Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
I wonder how one can have healthy loving relationships if there is a repetition to attract people who aren’t loving and kind? Surely there’s a relationship between lack of self worth and allowing abusive people in?
Yeah my old counsellor revealed this trait to me that I was trying to work out who I was by copying whoever I was with; their mannerisms, intonations in speech, humour etc not completely I guess people still saw me as someone different than the other person but I don't know what they saw or who I just felt comfortable being second to the person I was modelling like a shadow fundamentally to be ignored
I've never heard someone put it in the exact words I've felt. My insecurities force me to take on the other person, be it a friendship or romantic. Become who I think they'll like. You're right that we need both, because even the nurturing and nourishing people I've gotten attached to, while they made me feel good about myself, I still did most things for them to like me. The self-love aspect was still missing. When we completely envelop someone in the beginning of a relationship, they're almost blown away at how kind and thoughtful we are. It comes across as selfless, but really were just trying to be liked so that maybe we can feel good about ourselves if only for an instant. I still need some actionable self-love techniques. I'm at the very beginning of my self-love Journey.
Well said.. My ex finally pointed this out towards the end. She was upset I took it as calling me boring because it turns out it's not what she was trying to say. I wish I had known these things... I wish I knew how damaging co-dependency can be.
This is why it’s so so important to find people who are ‘likeminded’. surround yourself with people YOU relate with and not people who you are familiar with. Crazy making
@James Soroe Where are you in your journey? I’m just starting. Thank you for your comment, it’s bang on with how I’ve conducted myself in relationships.
The problem is that, until codependents heal their core wounds and become aware of their self-abandoning behavior, they only know how to choose controlling and damaging people like those who programmed them that way in the first place. It's a catch 22.
This is so spot on! How do I even begin to love myself when all my experience with self and self love comes from a dysfunctional dynamic- A family that didn't value me, my thoughts, emotions and needs?
I agree , however, we can have a look through our circle of friends and actively spend more time with those that we know are healthy for us, and actively start distancing ourselves from the friends that are toxic. I believe family members and partners can be more complicated, yes, but even just spending more time with those that are healthy for us and less with toxic friends can already be a huge step forwards. This can happen even with deep core wounds still present, I believe
I totally agree with all of you. I almost thought he was going to deal with the actual issue and that is the fact that the very developmental cornerstone of our thought processes are "You are utterly and totally worthless." This infuses every thought and action we have. It's baked into our lives and minds. How do you step outside of THAT?
i feel healing codepdendency has a lot to do with putting my perspective of things first because growing up in a dysfunctional family with gaslighting present, what disconnected me from a sense of self was my feelings always being questioned and minimized.
Great insight. Family dynamics can be so challenging especially when our feelings are not welcome. I'm reminded of how important it is to talk about how we develop into a differentiated self. Thanks for commenting. Also, if you haven't already checked it out, you may be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community It is based on Self-Directed Healing which is geared toward strengthening sense-of-self. I welcome you joining us as a member.
that is so true... I always thought that I have to work on myself first and then go into the relationship... Now I know these two things can coexist together. It works even better, because through relationship you get to know yourself better.
I really needed this reminder today. That we need self-love simultaneously with loving connections. I've been pushing off a new romantic relationship due to fear of not having healed enough, fear of calling into codependency again, but also acknowledging that having loving connections supports your healing and growth. ❤
Thanks for the reflections. Glad this video spoke to you. I agree, we need both. If you like this video then you may also like to get in on the conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
The funny and self-defeating thing about people-pleasing and pretzel twisting to keep someone in a relationship or be what you think they need; is that they end up getting bored and ultimately leaving any way. Either way, might as well take responsibility for and be true to yourself. :)
People (empaths, codependets...), do all that people-pleasing and pretzel twisting to keep someone in a relationship unknowingly, it is a program they have had put inside their DNA, even if they are informed that they do it at all, and that such behaviour leads nowhere in a long run, it's still the only way they know how to relate to others in relationships. So even disclosing them this truth (that the other party will get bored), and they had experienced it themselves many times in the past, wont make them "snap out of it" and start acting in an assertive, high self-esteem, confident and cool way. Just sayin'.
Well....the main lesson is.....other people are other people period, they are responsible for themselves. Besides, codependents were perhaps brought up to be "people-pleasing and pretzel twisting". But eventually it is a mental and occasionally physical burden.
@izeizei @Samiha Islam Well it is not in their DNA; Co-Dependency comes from deficits in the upbringing f.e. an emotionally unavailable parent or neglect by parents. You then learn as a child that you have to people-please to get the attention of others
Wow! I have always believed in a soulmate, which I now understand is my desire for a savior to heal my attachment wound. This is going to take a bit to process, but it's so helpful to think about just looking for good, ordinary love, which seems more attainable.
Amy your comment is a light bulb moment for me! I have done the same thing only for a BFF rather than a soul mate. I have always longed for a "bosom friend" but like you stated above this is really 'my desire for a savior to heal my attachment wound." This is profound for me and takes the pressure off of looking for that person (which I have done for 40 plus years!) that will want to know me at the deepest level and where I can be fully known. And it is also a reminder that my 'savior' is always my Savior, Jesus Christ who is the only one that can totally meet my needs and heal my wounds! Thank you for your comment!!
@@amazinggrace4924 wow! Thank you. That is a fresh perspective on "savior" for me. Since i never loved or accepted myself I was always looking for someone out there...but need to look within. So how do i go about loving myself?
This is the most sane, rational take on "loving yourself" that I've ever seen. I was scapegoated by a narcissistic family who "spiritually bypassed" their own emotional avoidance. They held themselves up as spiritually superior (Buddhist) paragons of so called "lovingkindness" by telling me I'm dysfunctional because I just don't "love myself" enough. Meanwhile, they distance themselves from emotional connection by hiding behind their spiritual "perfection". It's scary.
I hear you. I can empathize with what you shared. Glad this video spoke to you. This is something we unpack in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Nicely expressed in how I feel: She demanded I conform to her reality, despite facts that she was wrong, she is simply delusional. It was a self betrayal to myself to accept her delusional reality as my own. Self betrayal....felt this before, never again, hard line, pop a flare and move on with the truth.
Perfectly said! I'm fed up of hearing the self love mantra and people acting like we only need ourselves. We also need others and we need to love and be loved.
Thanks for watching! And I couldn't agree more - connection, love, and being surrounded by others is part of survival and healthy thriving. I really appreciate this perspective. I want to invite you to join my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. The members and I discuss varying topics, including ones similar to this video. Your voice and perspective would be so welcome in the Community, and I encourage you to consider joining in on the conversations that we have regularly. www.alanrobarge.com/community Along with this, I recommend looking at course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. In this course are worksheets, videos, and other helpful information to figure out how you respond to distress in relationships and what you can do to create a more effective and healthier way of relating, not only to yourself but to others as well. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I appreciate the kind words. Glad to hear you love the content. Thank you for valuing my work. This topic also comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you like this video then you may also like the Community. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
9:14 "if you don't do this and don't do it in the right way you won't be able to be in a relationship . . It becomes an if, then." Wow, you ate that up sir!!!
Thank you so much for this! I have taken the self love idea very literally, only realizing now that healing doesn’t have to come from being alone with all my energy focused inward. I can remain in my marriage, love my family, and still take steps to care for myself.
Great insight and clarity around giving yourself permission to take care of yourself. I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Well said. People would say to me, “When you love yourself, that’s when you’ll meet someone.” I alway found that extremely hurtful. I’d look around at people in relationships and say, “All these people love themselves?” With a high divorce rate and all these people love themselves?” It was as though they got to make a proclamation that they indeed love themselves because they are in a relationship. Let’s ignore the fact their partner is on drugs, lazy, cheating etc... I’ve been waiting to hear what you just said for a long, long time. Thank you!
Carolynn, I see you were very engaged in the material by what you wrote. There are many people, just like you, who are interested in a deeper conversation about this material. I created the online Improve Your Relationships 8-week program with to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress. The invitation is to engage throughout the week with resources I provide and through sharing our stories in the community and more importantly through offering support and encouragement to others. These are the ways I offer others to feel connected in this work and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits. The various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program. Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question. Please consider joining us! www.alanrobarge.com/community
“Having to love yourself first” sometimes becomes a condition! Love is unconditional don’t put conditions on yourself this will only further put u into self doubt. Thankyou for this video it was great.
I'm glad that this one resonated with you - thank you for watching and engaging in the content. Please help me spread the word by sharing this with someone who you think needs to hear this currently.
Thanks Alan! I was beginning to fall into the mistake of putting self love on a pedestal above and beyond any other love/friend/family relationship. And I was also starting to feel the pain of encapsulating myself in that "jail"! Thanks for clarifying we all need both.., water and sun and other forms of emotional nourishment. Thanks again!!!
Years of doing this has been the cause of so much rensentment and self betrayal. I am really ready to stop these deep rooted behaviors of codependency but it feels and has been all about survival. The part where we have to love ourselves is to be kind and non judgmental that we do this and have.
what I don't understand is that I didn't behave like an addict. I did have control, I didn't message or call all the time, had few but not 0 boundaries, gave a lot of space, had my own interests and even then, that wasn't enough. I did express my love in a polite way, didnt have addictions, didn't abuse physically or mentally. I know people who are high maintenance, egoistic, crazy, drug addicts in relationships but nothing I did was good enough. I thought I did work on myself barring mild love addiction and very mild codependent tendencies.
If you dont know or love yourself....its going to hard for you to recognize healthy and nurturing relationships because you are not aware of the programming of denying yourself and pleasing others to be liked.
I hear it all the time, just love yourself. How? Nobody tells you HOW to love yourself or what that even means. Do I? Don’t I? How do I start to love myself? How will I know when I love myself? I got tired of hearing it when a relationship would end, so I took a year off from dating to see if I love myself. That was 22 years ago, I still haven’t dated anyone.
I'm reminded of something many of us don't learn or don't hear about when it comes to loving ourselves -- that it's about Both allowing love in for ourselves and allowing love in from others. Self-love is a combination of both. Now, there are also skills many of us didn't get to learn about self-love. We learn so much from each other in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's so validating when others can understand and relate with us. Thank you for sharing your experience. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
You're welcome. Glad this spoke to you. This content evolves out of the Improve Your Relationships Community Program. If you'd like to learn more click on the following link: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I can't say I have no self love but I have realized I always need reassurance and validation; and this is what makes me codependent and maybe a bit too much in relationships....to the point that when a man I love or even just friends don't respond the way I like or expect, severe anxiety is triggered within me. This realization is liberating and I must work on it to be healthier emotionally and mentally.
This happens to a lot of us; you're not alone. My empathy goes out to you. The reason I created the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I’ve been stuck in the self love only phase for over a year. It’s scary and difficult to connect with others out of fear of letting my codependency behaviors badly affect more ppl. I realize I was the problem and I pushed the ppl I care about the most away with my dysfunctional relating. Thank you for letting me know I need new connections too. It’s part of the whole human experience.
I can tell you tuned into this content by what you shared. I hear you about getting stuck and many can relate. Some of the popular messages around self-love and be confusing and/or unhelpful. Thanks for your reflections. Also, if you like this content then you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in the Community. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I struggle with codependency and loving my self. I have moments where I'm comfortable in my body, but if someone I love traumatizes me or insults my body, I instantly feel worthless and its like everything I've worked hard for to feel positive has disappeared. I strongly feel my own codependency and behaviors stem from looking at myself and feeling rejected. 😪I need to heal, I desperately need to heal.
Good insights. Reflecting on our patterns like this is helpful. We all show up with certain behaviors when there is some anxiety, fear or uncertainty in the relationship. If you're interested in understanding more about attachment behavior then you may wan to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Here's the link. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I am glad to hear that. It is not helpful when a coach say : "you do not need anybody just yourself," when isolated and no money to run away. A loving person could help a lot to be able to focus in that difficult situation.
Thank you Alan! You’ve helped my sister heal through a traumatic breakup and understand how to heal from codependency. Very thoroughly and practically explained 👌🏼
hybridxyx I don’t believe we are designed to survive alone. Like many species in the animal kingdom we are social animals. We are supposed to be part of a social network / community/ family, just as animals have their flocks & packs & prides. It’s wired into our primitive brain as a survival strategy - safety in numbers. To say we don’t need any kind of emotional enrichment or support from another human being would be like saying it’s okay to keep a chimp or a baboon or an elephant in a cage all on its own.
I'd say I agree. But, it's just way too difficult to meet ppl these days. And, every time I try, I wind up regretting it. So for me, I just can't allow myself to need other ppl anymore. I've become an extreme hermit, but it's the only way I can function in this cruel world. I live w/ a dog & a cat & that's enough for me
This is a major heads up. Receiving has been challenging for me and never paired it to the "love yourself" concept...until now. Thank YOU so much for this essential morsel along my journey towards wholeness and freedom!
I think knowing oneself is the biggest barrier to being in a true relationship. It’s very difficult to recognise whether or not you love someone when your metric for being in relationship is the feedback you get from pleasing someone. I struggle with this especially because I never seem to experience strong romantic attraction. All relationships then feel like a business decision rather than an emotional connection. I think the answer may be in rebalancing the nervous system so that you are predominantly in parasympathetic mode where you feel safe and able to feel and receive love.
Great insight. Feeling safe sounds important here for sure. Glad this video sparked reflection for you. Thanks for commenting. If you like this video and you would like to learn more about these dynamics then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
the thing is, for a codependent, it's crucial to cultivate at least some level of a relationship with one-self or at least being aware of the concept of first love FIRST before being in a relationship. But in the meantime, being nourished by the love coming from family members and friends is something that can be let in
Alan's integrity, probity, and wide-ranging thoughtfulness have yielded fine and lasting insights. Truly rare but commonsensical (common sense isn't very common). Hard won, and honest.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings you benefit. If you haven't already heard about it, since you like the videos, I want to also share about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. These are the kind of topics that come up in the conversations in the Community. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Incredible . Every word spoken. Amazing that this was posted five years ago - as it is extremely relevant today I feel like, maybe more now than ever? Well, relevant to myself . Thank you - and here’s to getting past this
I truly feel like your emphasis not only on the negatives of codependency but also the positives was very helpful. I never realized how much I prioritize putting others before myself which has ultimately resulted in my loss of self and the development of codependency. Thank you for this video. I truly feel like it opened my eyes to the possibility of improvement but not refusing relationships as a whole. I cannot thank you enough for this. It truly helped me address many insecurities I have, while also helping me understand that it is alright and to redirect that energy. Thank you for this video! 😭❤
I appreciate the meaningful comment. Thank you for sharing this video was eye opening for you. Many of us can relate with putting others above ourselves. Since this video was helpful, you may also like taking the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thanks for a view that is so different to what the mainstream tries to ram down our throats. I know that I love myself and I know my worth. I have a lot of love to give too. Just because another person doesn’t know how to receive love, isn’t a ‘me’ problem. I choose to work on a relationship because I don’t give up easily and believe in giving things a go particularly if you care for the other person. If there is a mutual consent that things aren’t working then time to move on.
Alan, it's 2021. Amongst all those "love yourself" videos, I couldn't find a bit of truth. I found my reality and my truth within your words. You are so accurate, its almost scary. You are so sensitive to human nature, and you put that subject in such perspective. You are so clever, almost a mind reader.
Winter I'm glad to hear this video deeply resonated for you. I appreciate the feedback. Yes, self-care means both allowing in self-love and positive regard in from others simultaneously. It's not like we need to be fully "cooked" and "ready" before we can start having relationships. We explore this topic further in the learning community I created, Improve Your Relationships. We learn more about ourselves through relationships and members have reported learning a lot through the conversations in it. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, as we practice creating relationships it's important to understand the different ways that attachment distress shows up for people. Things make a lot more sense. I recently created a course on this. If you'd like to learn more take The Four Attachment Distress Responses. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Thanks for the comment.
Thak you sooooo much, this is very helpful and validating because I started feeling not ok when I feel that I need love, support, encouragement and validation from those who matter, and because of what I hear that we need to love ourselves first I start wondering if I am really loving myself!!
Im so glad this video didnt said as some other video " leave your partner cuz u need to heal yourself first" like this video actually include, both and that's good, like it's legit helping to understand better how have been with my partner right now.
Thank you for this video, I’ve been mostly alone for 4 years after my my marriage broke down… and I definitely needed time to heal and figure myself out… but I definitely need to start letting people, slowly and cautiously back into my life.
so trusting how i feel and learning to set boundaries when i feel im not feeling respected i think is the message to my inner children that today i am taking care and honoring how they feel, and that creates a harmonious self love affirming message to myself. then i can chose to be with people where the connection flows naturally or better, its an organic process!
Great summary. Glad to see you connected with this video. So important that we're talking about honoring ourselves. Yes the self-nurturing is an organic process. Thanks for your comment. Please also share this video with friends who may find it helpful.
Thank you SO much for this video, Alan. You are talking about some very important stuff. The covert shame that can come out of self help practices/perspectives can be so detrimental to healing
I want to say that the overuse or misuse of "love yourself" can be materialistic, like seeing it as a thing to have that will make you happier. It's just starting to be clear to me that it's a process. Thanks for teaching me, Alan.
I can relate more to Finding out who you are and Accepting yourself. When I hear it, or someone writes that they are busy with taking care of themselves and loving themselves, it sounds so selfish to me. Like person is just self-centered. There should be a balance in this self-love.
This is a really balanced approach to healing relationships-it avoids labeling behavior and points out the interactive nature of self growth. Thanks, Alan!
LOVED listening to this, Alan, so few professionals are able to articulate the tricky navigation on the codependency recovery pathway. You speak and share beautifully. I’d love to interview you. You’re brilliant. Deepest thanks. ❤❤
I recently lost my mom, and found that I really have no sense of who I am without her. She was the one person on this earth who knew me better than anybody including myself 🥺. I have years of work to do
Empathy goes out to you. I'm sorry to hear your mom died. I'm reminded that we need gentleness for ourselves especially when grieving. One day at a time.
Alan, the construction noise is so apropos to the topic and who I believe you represent! It is so REAL! You are so real, honest and super insightful on this topic of balancing self-love with love and support from others. We can be swayed so shifty to an extreme, all the while losing sight of other important aspects or factors that create our world! I am thoroughly enjoying the expansion you are showing all of us!!! Thank you for being you and fulfilling your purposes in this world by sharing with us these marvelous nuggets of wisdom!!!😍
Jennifer, thank you for the reflections and the supportive feedback. I appreciate you letting me know you value my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know this video was helpful.
Thank you for valuing my work and efforts. Glad it is of benefit for you. Also, this content evolves out of our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. To support the continuation of this content consider becoming a member. Learn more here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Ima just use this as a place to talk about what I’m going through. I don’t have much of a relationship with my family due to being shipped off to a boarding school at the age of 5. When I graduated I moved back home away from all my peers and adult mentors. Leaving me to try to squeeze myself into the family I was away from for 12 years. I feel completely separated from them and have no friends back home. Then I meet this girl at the job I started. It’s a factory so we work swing shifts and work with the same people all the time. So we would see each other at work often then I started staying at her dads house until we got our own apartment. But pretty much for the better part of 9 months we’ve been together nonstop. And for someone who feels that’s they don’t have a understanding of who they are and mental health issues that I’ve yet to find clarification on, this was something very comforting for me. Receiving love from a woman that I never got from my own mother or father. Feeling wanted got me addicted to her so quickly. But I’ve always had a sense of paranoia thinking she’ll cheat on me or want to talk with her exes. Every time her phone dings I look at it or check it every time she’s not around. I constantly cross boundaries that I shouldn’t . And I don’t know how to stop because I’m so afraid of being cheated on or not wanted. I’m away from her now writing this and I’ve felt nothing but anxiety all day and it’s quite crippling. When I’m not with her I feel so lost and overwhelmed. I have no life outside of her. Not much family and no friends and no hobbies. The perfect concoction for a leach of a boyfriend. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever struggled with. And I want to get over it. I want her to feel like she has a life outside of me and I don’t want to be suffocating anymore. It’s just so hard to resist touching her all the time or wanting attention from her. I truly hate that I’m like this. I hate that I’m suffocating the person I love. And I hate that she’s my only source of that love. I need help with this a lot.
I decided focus on myself, and do not let absorb any poison, because the big problem is : I don't know how to distinguish genuine kindness from toxic? Any advice.
it is so hard, i know what you mean. you can rely on your feelings, if you feel strange negative feeling from other person, that is most probably your inner guidance system telling you that something is not allright. the truth is that you will feel comfortable with an authentic person, thats how i can distinguish who is authentic and honest and who is not. somehow i sense their vibe and how i feel around them, i watch them, let them speak, listen to their words and then i mute their voice off and try to read their body language and observe their actions.
What is overlooked or isn't said enough in those trite self-love messages is that it's also about knowing yourself how you want to be treated and how you receive love from others, and that how to have healthy loving connections that serve your self-identified emotional needs is and should be inherent in this practice. Because loving treatment of self reflects in how you wish to be treated by others. Learning how to have healthy connections is inherent in the practice of self-love. But that's hard to fit in trite sayings.
redfullmoon, the concepts around practicing self love are much more intricate, certainly. I see you were very engaged in the material by what you wrote. There are many people, just like you, who are interested in a deeper conversation about this material. I created the online Improve Your Relationships 8-week program with to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress. The invitation is to engage throughout the week with resources I provide and through sharing our stories in the community and more importantly through offering support and encouragement to others. These are the ways I offer others to feel connected in this work and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits. The various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program. Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question. Please consider joining us! www.alanrobarge.com/community
I'm getting that membership on the 5 th of June when I get paid this is the best self help videos thank you for helping others through your videos good knows your helping me
I come from a great and loving family but I have been bullied most of my life. I didn't realize I was codependent until my therapist said I was today because of how I act in relationships. I wish I would have known sooner.
Many of us wake up to this fact at someone point in our lives and that time is the perfect time. Please know that there is support for learning how to heal and grow through the community I started. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for that kind feedback. I'm glad this video was helpful and offered clarity. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. Members have reported learning new skills of better relating with greater ease by being among others learning as well. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community Another resource you might like for building relationship skills and understanding attachment behaviors is The Four Attachment Distress Responses course. We can better understand ourselves and others if we know about the different ways we manage distress. To learn more take the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Diana, thank you for the supportive comment. We talk more about strategies on how to be self loving while allowing positive experiences of relating in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check us out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I so much appreciated this distinction ! I have often experienced that this mantra is being used as a way to actually end an inquiry, to even make someone wrong “well you just have to learn to love yourself”.! It has become such an accepted solution to every inner problem. And one is left with an unsatisfied feeling. So you get hypnotized /conditioned on to a new level :
Glad this video sparked reflection for you. It's helpful to challenge these messages and core beliefs. Thank you for engaging in this content. You might also be interested in taking The Attachment Distress Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz We also talk more in depth about needing both self-love and positive regard from others simultaneously in the Improve Your Relationship community. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my work. Glad you like this video. Also, if you like this video you may like joining in on the conversations around topics like this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks for the kind words and thanks for valuing my effort. This topic also comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you so much for all your videos. You are always very clear and understanding. It feels like you really have a great insight about what's going on within us. You are very helpful. Thank you 🙏
I appreciate the kind words. Thanks for valuing my efforts to offer quality content. Glad it's helpful. This content evolves out of the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. Check out the Community: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you. I found this video really helpful. I've always felt so unsure about getting in a relationship. Recently, I discovered my core wound and I'm looking to develop relationships with people more. I've just been stopping myself because I'm not sure if I'm 'ready'. Hearing this really gave me some clarity. It helped me feel more sure of myself in wanting to develop relationships. Thank you again
Eric, I'm glad to hear this one resonated for you. Many can relate and that is a wide belief that we have to be 'ready' before we start relationships. We can't grow by locking ourselves in a room until we're 'cooked' and ready to relate with others. Good for you for being open to this awareness. Since you liked this video you may also be interested in a course I recently created. You can learn more by taking The Attachment Distress quiz to find out what your response to relationship stress is: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also, if you'd like to learn more ways to engage or support the continuation of these videos, check out these options: Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
I’ve said to my therapist and friends, I’ve never lost who I was, I know exactly what I like and how I feel, and enjoy doing what makes me happy, taking care of my responsibilities, handling my own emergencies, and tending to my personal to-do list. I do not develop my self-esteem from my ability to help other people. I mean it’s a relief if you’re able to when somebody really needed it (I don’t want to be driving down the road and just happen to see my mom stranded on the shoulder because her car broke down and I just keep driving. That’s cold). However, I DO NOT like constantly being “needed”. Not everything is an emergency, dagnabbit. You can make some changes to prevent some of those “emergencies”. Internal locus of control. What I need to learn is what to do when people badger you if you don’t do ___. That’s the problem I keep encountering. The counterforce is strong and I don’t have any clue what to do when somebody is doing any and everything to drive me to the actions and behaviors they want out of me. And yes, I say no and tell the other person exactly how I feel, try to compromise, etc etc. Only thing I can think of to make them stop doing it is magic. Petunia Durseley shouted at Harry Potter to go cook the bacon and Harry waved his wand. Petunia stopped shouting, went to the kitchen and cooked it herself, and Harry went back to sleep.🤷🏽♀️Everybody lived happily and got along just fine.
Love yourself first. Funny...my ex used to use that term as the reason to be narcissistic and self indulgent while putting my needs on the back burner. BTW, it took me awhile to cultivate, but yes my garden grows! 😊
Thank you so much, I do need to accept myself more. It is just so difficult. I find myself focused on everything and NOTHING at the same time. Does that make sense?
I hear you. It does make sense. Many of us can relate. Glad this video resonates. Thanks for valuing my work. If you like this video then you may also like getting in on the conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I think I got your point! Self-love is not the opposite of love, it is not a means nor a prerequisite for love with others. Self-love in these ways would become some form of conditional self-love, that would follow the same theme of conditional love we received in childhood, right?
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
I wonder how one can have healthy loving relationships if there is a repetition to attract people who aren’t loving and kind? Surely there’s a relationship between lack of self worth and allowing abusive people in?
I just realized that in the absence of someone for me to adapt to, I don't have a clear sense of who I am and it causes me a lot of anxiety.
Jamie E omg YES
Me too!
Jamie E same 😢❤️
And me
Yeah my old counsellor revealed this trait to me that I was trying to work out who I was by copying whoever I was with; their mannerisms, intonations in speech, humour etc not completely I guess people still saw me as someone different than the other person but I don't know what they saw or who I just felt comfortable being second to the person I was modelling like a shadow fundamentally to be ignored
I've never heard someone put it in the exact words I've felt. My insecurities force me to take on the other person, be it a friendship or romantic. Become who I think they'll like. You're right that we need both, because even the nurturing and nourishing people I've gotten attached to, while they made me feel good about myself, I still did most things for them to like me. The self-love aspect was still missing. When we completely envelop someone in the beginning of a relationship, they're almost blown away at how kind and thoughtful we are. It comes across as selfless, but really were just trying to be liked so that maybe we can feel good about ourselves if only for an instant. I still need some actionable self-love techniques. I'm at the very beginning of my self-love Journey.
James Soroe Very well put. Same here.
Well said.. My ex finally pointed this out towards the end. She was upset I took it as calling me boring because it turns out it's not what she was trying to say. I wish I had known these things... I wish I knew how damaging co-dependency can be.
This is why it’s so so important to find people who are ‘likeminded’. surround yourself with people YOU relate with and not people who you are familiar with. Crazy making
@James Soroe Where are you in your journey? I’m just starting. Thank you for your comment, it’s bang on with how I’ve conducted myself in relationships.
Family relationships like parents or siblings also apply to it
Finally, someone who doesn't gloss over this by just saying codependency is being addicted to an addict.
Amen❤🎉😅
The problem is that, until codependents heal their core wounds and become aware of their self-abandoning behavior, they only know how to choose controlling and damaging people like those who programmed them that way in the first place. It's a catch 22.
This is so spot on!
How do I even begin to love myself when all my experience with self and self love comes from a dysfunctional dynamic- A family that didn't value me, my thoughts, emotions and needs?
I agree , however, we can have a look through our circle of friends and actively spend more time with those that we know are healthy for us, and actively start distancing ourselves from the friends that are toxic. I believe family members and partners can be more complicated, yes, but even just spending more time with those that are healthy for us and less with toxic friends can already be a huge step forwards. This can happen even with deep core wounds still present, I believe
@@hildeyogaanddance6919 "circle of friends", lucky you.
I totally agree with all of you. I almost thought he was going to deal with the actual issue and that is the fact that the very developmental cornerstone of our thought processes are "You are utterly and totally worthless." This infuses every thought and action we have. It's baked into our lives and minds. How do you step outside of THAT?
Lore M. Ipsum start reprogramming by taking care of yourself.
i feel healing codepdendency has a lot to do with putting my perspective of things first because growing up in a dysfunctional family with gaslighting present, what disconnected me from a sense of self was my feelings always being questioned and minimized.
Great insight. Family dynamics can be so challenging especially when our feelings are not welcome. I'm reminded of how important it is to talk about how we develop into a differentiated self. Thanks for commenting.
Also, if you haven't already checked it out, you may be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community It is based on Self-Directed Healing which is geared toward strengthening sense-of-self. I welcome you joining us as a member.
that is so true... I always thought that I have to work on myself first and then go into the relationship... Now I know these two things can coexist together. It works even better, because through relationship you get to know yourself better.
I really needed this reminder today. That we need self-love simultaneously with loving connections. I've been pushing off a new romantic relationship due to fear of not having healed enough, fear of calling into codependency again, but also acknowledging that having loving connections supports your healing and growth. ❤
Thanks for the reflections. Glad this video spoke to you. I agree, we need both.
If you like this video then you may also like to get in on the conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
The funny and self-defeating thing about people-pleasing and pretzel twisting to keep someone in a relationship or be what you think they need; is that they end up getting bored and ultimately leaving any way. Either way, might as well take responsibility for and be true to yourself. :)
Em C al
Em C A VERY good point, I say!
People (empaths, codependets...), do all that people-pleasing and pretzel twisting to keep someone in a relationship unknowingly, it is a program they have had put inside their DNA, even if they are informed that they do it at all, and that such behaviour leads nowhere in a long run, it's still the only way they know how to relate to others in relationships. So even disclosing them this truth (that the other party will get bored), and they had experienced it themselves many times in the past, wont make them "snap out of it" and start acting in an assertive, high self-esteem, confident and cool way. Just sayin'.
Well....the main lesson is.....other people are other people period, they are responsible for themselves. Besides, codependents were perhaps brought up to be "people-pleasing and pretzel twisting". But eventually it is a mental and occasionally physical burden.
@izeizei @Samiha Islam Well it is not in their DNA; Co-Dependency comes from deficits in the upbringing f.e. an emotionally unavailable parent or neglect by parents. You then learn as a child that you have to people-please to get the attention of others
Wow! I have always believed in a soulmate, which I now understand is my desire for a savior to heal my attachment wound. This is going to take a bit to process, but it's so helpful to think about just looking for good, ordinary love, which seems more attainable.
Amy your comment is a light bulb moment for me! I have done the same thing only for a BFF rather than a soul mate. I have always longed for a "bosom friend" but like you stated above this is really 'my desire for a savior to heal my attachment wound." This is profound for me and takes the pressure off of looking for that person (which I have done for 40 plus years!) that will want to know me at the deepest level and where I can be fully known. And it is also a reminder that my 'savior' is always my Savior, Jesus Christ who is the only one that can totally meet my needs and heal my wounds! Thank you for your comment!!
@@amazinggrace4924 wow! Thank you. That is a fresh perspective on "savior" for me. Since i never loved or accepted myself I was always looking for someone out there...but need to look within. So how do i go about loving myself?
Amy Curtis Same, guilty 🥺
Soulmate as a cure for the attachment wound. Wow, that's so me. Thank you for putting words to such an important insight.
Amy Curtis dame here
This is the most sane, rational take on "loving yourself" that I've ever seen. I was scapegoated by a narcissistic family who "spiritually bypassed" their own emotional avoidance. They held themselves up as spiritually superior (Buddhist) paragons of so called "lovingkindness" by telling me I'm dysfunctional because I just don't "love myself" enough. Meanwhile, they distance themselves from emotional connection by hiding behind their spiritual "perfection". It's scary.
neptunesdreams sounds like a real head fake glad you are out of that environment
Sounds like the cult I was in :/ glad you got out too!
I know this feeling. I’m so sorry. My family is the same.
I love that: Self Love and Relationships for Humans are like Sun and Water for the Garden.
Thank you, I hate being a codependent and have suffered way too much because of this,
I hear you. I can empathize with what you shared. Glad this video spoke to you.
This is something we unpack in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Nicely expressed in how I feel: She demanded I conform to her reality, despite facts that she was wrong, she is simply delusional. It was a self betrayal to myself to accept her delusional reality as my own. Self betrayal....felt this before, never again, hard line, pop a flare and move on with the truth.
Perfectly said! I'm fed up of hearing the self love mantra and people acting like we only need ourselves. We also need others and we need to love and be loved.
Thanks for watching! And I couldn't agree more - connection, love, and being surrounded by others is part of survival and healthy thriving. I really appreciate this perspective.
I want to invite you to join my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. The members and I discuss varying topics, including ones similar to this video. Your voice and perspective would be so welcome in the Community, and I encourage you to consider joining in on the conversations that we have regularly. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Along with this, I recommend looking at course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. In this course are worksheets, videos, and other helpful information to figure out how you respond to distress in relationships and what you can do to create a more effective and healthier way of relating, not only to yourself but to others as well. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Such a great definition of loving yourself. It's almost more like being honest with yourself. I love it thank you
I appreciate the kind words. Glad to hear you love the content. Thank you for valuing my work.
This topic also comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you like this video then you may also like the Community. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Allan is one of the Best Healers...so genuine and knowledgeable.
Thanks for the kind words.
9:14 "if you don't do this and don't do it in the right way you won't be able to be in a relationship . . It becomes an if, then." Wow, you ate that up sir!!!
Glad it speaks to you.
I love this. “WE NEED CONNECTION BEYOND OURSELVES.” Factz 💯
“We need BOTH”
Yes
Thank you so much for this! I have taken the self love idea very literally, only realizing now that healing doesn’t have to come from being alone with all my energy focused inward. I can remain in my marriage, love my family, and still take steps to care for myself.
Great insight and clarity around giving yourself permission to take care of yourself. I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Well said. People would say to me, “When you love yourself, that’s when you’ll meet someone.” I alway found that extremely hurtful. I’d look around at people in relationships and say, “All these people love themselves?” With a high divorce rate and all these people love themselves?” It was as though they got to make a proclamation that they indeed love themselves because they are in a relationship. Let’s ignore the fact their partner is on drugs, lazy, cheating etc... I’ve been waiting to hear what you just said for a long, long time. Thank you!
Carolynn, I see you were very engaged in the material by what you wrote. There are many people, just like you, who are interested in a deeper conversation about this material. I created the online Improve Your Relationships 8-week program with to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress.
The invitation is to engage throughout the week with resources I provide and through sharing our stories in the community and more importantly through offering support and encouragement to others. These are the ways I offer others to feel connected in this work and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits.
The various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program.
Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question.
Please consider joining us!
www.alanrobarge.com/community
“Having to love yourself first” sometimes becomes a condition! Love is unconditional don’t put conditions on yourself this will only further put u into self doubt. Thankyou for this video it was great.
I'm glad that this one resonated with you - thank you for watching and engaging in the content.
Please help me spread the word by sharing this with someone who you think needs to hear this currently.
Thanks Alan! I was beginning to fall into the mistake of putting self love on a pedestal above and beyond any other love/friend/family relationship. And I was also starting to feel the pain of encapsulating myself in that "jail"! Thanks for clarifying we all need both.., water and sun and other forms of emotional nourishment. Thanks again!!!
Years of doing this has been the cause of so much rensentment and self betrayal. I am really ready to stop these deep rooted behaviors of codependency but it feels and has been all about survival. The part where we have to love ourselves is to be kind and non judgmental that we do this and have.
what I don't understand is that I didn't behave like an addict. I did have control, I didn't message or call all the time, had few but not 0 boundaries, gave a lot of space, had my own interests and even then, that wasn't enough. I did express my love in a polite way, didnt have addictions, didn't abuse physically or mentally. I know people who are high maintenance, egoistic, crazy, drug addicts in relationships but nothing I did was good enough. I thought I did work on myself barring mild love addiction and very mild codependent tendencies.
If you dont know or love yourself....its going to hard for you to recognize healthy and nurturing relationships because you are not aware of the programming of denying yourself and pleasing others to be liked.
I hear it all the time, just love yourself.
How? Nobody tells you HOW to love yourself or what that even means.
Do I? Don’t I? How do I start to love myself? How will I know when I love myself?
I got tired of hearing it when a relationship would end, so I took a year off from dating to see if I love myself. That was 22 years ago, I still haven’t dated anyone.
I'm reminded of something many of us don't learn or don't hear about when it comes to loving ourselves -- that it's about Both allowing love in for ourselves and allowing love in from others. Self-love is a combination of both. Now, there are also skills many of us didn't get to learn about self-love. We learn so much from each other in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's so validating when others can understand and relate with us. Thank you for sharing your experience. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Spot on, this was my life
Glad this resonates.
thank you... it really is a lifelong journey to be as honest as possible with yourself and others..
You're welcome. Glad this spoke to you.
This content evolves out of the Improve Your Relationships Community Program. If you'd like to learn more click on the following link:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
I can't say I have no self love but I have realized I always need reassurance and validation; and this is what makes me codependent and maybe a bit too much in relationships....to the point that when a man I love or even just friends don't respond the way I like or expect, severe anxiety is triggered within me.
This realization is liberating and I must work on it to be healthier emotionally and mentally.
This happens to a lot of us; you're not alone. My empathy goes out to you.
The reason I created the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I’ve been stuck in the self love only phase for over a year. It’s scary and difficult to connect with others out of fear of letting my codependency behaviors badly affect more ppl. I realize I was the problem and I pushed the ppl I care about the most away with my dysfunctional relating. Thank you for letting me know I need new connections too. It’s part of the whole human experience.
I can tell you tuned into this content by what you shared. I hear you about getting stuck and many can relate. Some of the popular messages around self-love and be confusing and/or unhelpful. Thanks for your reflections.
Also, if you like this content then you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in the Community. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I struggle with codependency and loving my self. I have moments where I'm comfortable in my body, but if someone I love traumatizes me or insults my body, I instantly feel worthless and its like everything I've worked hard for to feel positive has disappeared. I strongly feel my own codependency and behaviors stem from looking at myself and feeling rejected. 😪I need to heal, I desperately need to heal.
Good insights. Reflecting on our patterns like this is helpful. We all show up with certain behaviors when there is some anxiety, fear or uncertainty in the relationship. If you're interested in understanding more about attachment behavior then you may wan to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz.
Here's the link.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I am glad to hear that. It is not helpful when a coach say : "you do not need anybody just yourself," when isolated and no money to run away. A loving person could help a lot to be able to focus in that difficult situation.
Thanks for the comment and thanks for valuing my effort. It's important to keep talking about this.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma congrats!
Thank you Alan! You’ve helped my sister heal through a traumatic breakup and understand how to heal from codependency. Very thoroughly and practically explained 👌🏼
Thank you for validating my feelings and explaining it all so clearly and rationally. I need other people to survive, period. I cannot survive alone.
hybridxyx I don’t believe we are designed to survive alone. Like many species in the animal kingdom we are social animals. We are supposed to be part of a social network / community/ family, just as animals have their flocks & packs & prides. It’s wired into our primitive brain as a survival strategy - safety in numbers. To say we don’t need any kind of emotional enrichment or support from another human being would be like saying it’s okay to keep a chimp or a baboon or an elephant in a cage all on its own.
This is the best explanation I’ve heard on self love and co dependency. It clicked. Thank you
finding the right people to grow with is important
This is a really great video "self love is to know thyself" creating and maintaining an identity outside of yourself in relationship
Wow your description of codependency dynamic makes so much sense
I'd say I agree. But, it's just way too difficult to meet ppl these days. And, every time I try, I wind up regretting it. So for me, I just can't allow myself to need other ppl anymore. I've become an extreme hermit, but it's the only way I can function in this cruel world. I live w/ a dog & a cat & that's enough for me
me too
It's ok
This is a major heads up. Receiving has been challenging for me and never paired it to the "love yourself" concept...until now. Thank YOU so much for this essential morsel along my journey towards wholeness and freedom!
I think knowing oneself is the biggest barrier to being in a true relationship. It’s very difficult to recognise whether or not you love someone when your metric for being in relationship is the feedback you get from pleasing someone. I struggle with this especially because I never seem to experience strong romantic attraction. All relationships then feel like a business decision rather than an emotional connection. I think the answer may be in rebalancing the nervous system so that you are predominantly in parasympathetic mode where you feel safe and able to feel and receive love.
Great insight. Feeling safe sounds important here for sure. Glad this video sparked reflection for you. Thanks for commenting.
If you like this video and you would like to learn more about these dynamics then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
the thing is, for a codependent, it's crucial to cultivate at least some level of a relationship with one-self or at least being aware of the concept of first love FIRST before being in a relationship. But in the meantime, being nourished by the love coming from family members and friends is something that can be let in
It applies for all kind of relationship,even family relationships
Alan's integrity, probity, and wide-ranging thoughtfulness have yielded fine and lasting insights. Truly rare but commonsensical (common sense isn't very common). Hard won, and honest.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings you benefit.
If you haven't already heard about it, since you like the videos, I want to also share about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. These are the kind of topics that come up in the conversations in the Community. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Finally someone keeping it real and not bullshiting people who are trying to be better humans
Incredible . Every word spoken. Amazing that this was posted five years ago - as it is extremely relevant today I feel like, maybe more now than ever? Well, relevant to myself . Thank you - and here’s to getting past this
I truly feel like your emphasis not only on the negatives of codependency but also the positives was very helpful. I never realized how much I prioritize putting others before myself which has ultimately resulted in my loss of self and the development of codependency. Thank you for this video. I truly feel like it opened my eyes to the possibility of improvement but not refusing relationships as a whole. I cannot thank you enough for this. It truly helped me address many insecurities I have, while also helping me understand that it is alright and to redirect that energy. Thank you for this video! 😭❤
I appreciate the meaningful comment. Thank you for sharing this video was eye opening for you. Many of us can relate with putting others above ourselves.
Since this video was helpful, you may also like taking the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thanks for a view that is so different to what the mainstream tries to ram down our throats. I know that I love myself and I know my worth. I have a lot of love to give too. Just because another person doesn’t know how to receive love, isn’t a ‘me’ problem. I choose to work on a relationship because I don’t give up easily and believe in giving things a go particularly if you care for the other person. If there is a mutual consent that things aren’t working then time to move on.
Glad this video spoke to you. Thank you for the meaningful reflections. We can't talk enough about relationships.
Alan, it's 2021. Amongst all those "love yourself" videos, I couldn't find a bit of truth. I found my reality and my truth within your words. You are so accurate, its almost scary. You are so sensitive to human nature, and you put that subject in such perspective. You are so clever, almost a mind reader.
Winter I'm glad to hear this video deeply resonated for you. I appreciate the feedback. Yes, self-care means both allowing in self-love and positive regard in from others simultaneously. It's not like we need to be fully "cooked" and "ready" before we can start having relationships. We explore this topic further in the learning community I created, Improve Your Relationships. We learn more about ourselves through relationships and members have reported learning a lot through the conversations in it. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Also, as we practice creating relationships it's important to understand the different ways that attachment distress shows up for people. Things make a lot more sense. I recently created a course on this. If you'd like to learn more take The Four Attachment Distress Responses. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thanks for the comment.
Thak you sooooo much, this is very helpful and validating because I started feeling not ok when I feel that I need love, support, encouragement and validation from those who matter, and because of what I hear that we need to love ourselves first I start wondering if I am really loving myself!!
Im so glad this video didnt said as some other video " leave your partner cuz u need to heal yourself first" like this video actually include, both and that's good, like it's legit helping to understand better how have been with my partner right now.
Thank you for this video, I’ve been mostly alone for 4 years after my my marriage broke down… and I definitely needed time to heal and figure myself out… but I definitely need to start letting people, slowly and cautiously back into my life.
Thank you! I agree that we need both! You are the first to say it!
so trusting how i feel and learning to set boundaries when i feel im not feeling respected i think is the message to my inner children that today i am taking care and honoring how they feel, and that creates a harmonious self love affirming message to myself. then i can chose to be with people where the connection flows naturally or better, its an organic process!
Great summary. Glad to see you connected with this video. So important that we're talking about honoring ourselves. Yes the self-nurturing is an organic process. Thanks for your comment. Please also share this video with friends who may find it helpful.
Thank you! I so very much appreciate the complexity you highlight.
Thank you SO much for this video, Alan. You are talking about some very important stuff. The covert shame that can come out of self help practices/perspectives can be so detrimental to healing
I want to say that the overuse or misuse of "love yourself" can be materialistic, like seeing it as a thing to have that will make you happier. It's just starting to be clear to me that it's a process. Thanks for teaching me, Alan.
I can relate more to Finding out who you are and Accepting yourself. When I hear it, or someone writes that they are busy with taking care of themselves and loving themselves, it sounds so selfish to me. Like person is just self-centered. There should be a balance in this self-love.
"We need both" Thank you for saying that. I love your videos.
This is a really balanced approach to healing relationships-it avoids labeling behavior and points out the interactive nature of self growth. Thanks, Alan!
LOVED listening to this, Alan, so few professionals are able to articulate the tricky navigation on the codependency recovery pathway. You speak and share beautifully. I’d love to interview you. You’re brilliant. Deepest thanks. ❤❤
This is exactly what has happened through my life it's amazing how you know me so well in all your videos. Thanks for the wise guidance.
Thanks for letting me know this video resonated so much for you. Please also share this video with a friend. Appreciate the encouraging comments.
Paradigm shift encountered! Thank you, Alan!
Thank you! Finally someone who sees this properly! We are taught early in our lives how to treat or love ourselves by our caregivers....
Thank you. It creates a lot of pressure to have the idea that I should always be able to be happy on my own.
I recently lost my mom, and found that I really have no sense of who I am without her. She was the one person on this earth who knew me better than anybody including myself 🥺. I have years of work to do
Empathy goes out to you. I'm sorry to hear your mom died. I'm reminded that we need gentleness for ourselves especially when grieving. One day at a time.
Alan, the construction noise is so apropos to the topic and who I believe you represent! It is so REAL! You are so real, honest and super insightful on this topic of balancing self-love with love and support from others. We can be swayed so shifty to an extreme, all the while losing sight of other important aspects or factors that create our world! I am thoroughly enjoying the expansion you are showing all of us!!! Thank you for being you and fulfilling your purposes in this world by sharing with us these marvelous nuggets of wisdom!!!😍
Jennifer, thank you for the reflections and the supportive feedback. I appreciate you letting me know you value my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know this video was helpful.
I can’t help but feel such a strong distain for those who put me though this hell as a young child and young adult. Where is their punishment?
I just wanna say, thank you man. Thank you for all this free gold.
Thank you for valuing my work and efforts. Glad it is of benefit for you.
Also, this content evolves out of our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. To support the continuation of this content consider becoming a member. Learn more here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Great explanation... I always felt self love alone as the ultimate answer seemed off. Thank you!
Wow! This is one of the best videos I have come across EVER, and it's exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so much!! 👍😀
Ima just use this as a place to talk about what I’m going through. I don’t have much of a relationship with my family due to being shipped off to a boarding school at the age of 5. When I graduated I moved back home away from all my peers and adult mentors. Leaving me to try to squeeze myself into the family I was away from for 12 years. I feel completely separated from them and have no friends back home. Then I meet this girl at the job I started. It’s a factory so we work swing shifts and work with the same people all the time. So we would see each other at work often then I started staying at her dads house until we got our own apartment. But pretty much for the better part of 9 months we’ve been together nonstop. And for someone who feels that’s they don’t have a understanding of who they are and mental health issues that I’ve yet to find clarification on, this was something very comforting for me. Receiving love from a woman that I never got from my own mother or father. Feeling wanted got me addicted to her so quickly. But I’ve always had a sense of paranoia thinking she’ll cheat on me or want to talk with her exes. Every time her phone dings I look at it or check it every time she’s not around. I constantly cross boundaries that I shouldn’t . And I don’t know how to stop because I’m so afraid of being cheated on or not wanted. I’m away from her now writing this and I’ve felt nothing but anxiety all day and it’s quite crippling. When I’m not with her I feel so lost and overwhelmed. I have no life outside of her. Not much family and no friends and no hobbies. The perfect concoction for a leach of a boyfriend. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever struggled with. And I want to get over it. I want her to feel like she has a life outside of me and I don’t want to be suffocating anymore. It’s just so hard to resist touching her all the time or wanting attention from her. I truly hate that I’m like this. I hate that I’m suffocating the person I love. And I hate that she’s my only source of that love. I need help with this a lot.
I decided focus on myself, and do not let absorb any poison, because the big problem is : I don't know how to distinguish genuine kindness from toxic? Any advice.
it is so hard, i know what you mean. you can rely on your feelings, if you feel strange negative feeling from other person, that is most probably your inner guidance system telling you that something is not allright. the truth is that you will feel comfortable with an authentic person, thats how i can distinguish who is authentic and honest and who is not. somehow i sense their vibe and how i feel around them, i watch them, let them speak, listen to their words and then i mute their voice off and try to read their body language and observe their actions.
Follow your gut it does not lie
1st rule: acts speaks louder than words.
You sir are a genius and i wish you only good things. You are helping so many people! ❤
What is overlooked or isn't said enough in those trite self-love messages is that it's also about knowing yourself how you want to be treated and how you receive love from others, and that how to have healthy loving connections that serve your self-identified emotional needs is and should be inherent in this practice. Because loving treatment of self reflects in how you wish to be treated by others. Learning how to have healthy connections is inherent in the practice of self-love. But that's hard to fit in trite sayings.
redfullmoon, the concepts around practicing self love are much more intricate, certainly. I see you were very engaged in the material by what you wrote. There are many people, just like you, who are interested in a deeper conversation about this material. I created the online Improve Your Relationships 8-week program with to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress.
The invitation is to engage throughout the week with resources I provide and through sharing our stories in the community and more importantly through offering support and encouragement to others. These are the ways I offer others to feel connected in this work and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits.
The various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program.
Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question.
Please consider joining us!
www.alanrobarge.com/community
I'm getting that membership on the 5 th of June when I get paid this is the best self help videos thank you for helping others through your videos good knows your helping me
This is powerful stuff! Wow!
GREAT explanation, thank you!
I come from a great and loving family but I have been bullied most of my life. I didn't realize I was codependent until my therapist said I was today because of how I act in relationships. I wish I would have known sooner.
Many of us wake up to this fact at someone point in our lives and that time is the perfect time. Please know that there is support for learning how to heal and grow through the community I started. www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you!
The process to have a better life is a lifetime one. Your videos are so informative and amazing. Thank you
By far the best explanation of this that I have herd. Thank you for the clarity and kindness that you’ve included in this explanation! Very gracious.
Thank you for that kind feedback. I'm glad this video was helpful and offered clarity. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. Members have reported learning new skills of better relating with greater ease by being among others learning as well. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Another resource you might like for building relationship skills and understanding attachment behaviors is The Four Attachment Distress Responses course. We can better understand ourselves and others if we know about the different ways we manage distress. To learn more take the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
This is the most real and comprehensive presentation on self love. Thank you so much!
Diana, thank you for the supportive comment. We talk more about strategies on how to be self loving while allowing positive experiences of relating in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check us out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you so much!! You hit the nail on the head! I'm so glad you said this. Since you are a psychotherapist I'm really excited to watch your channel.
This is a great perspective.
Best video I’ve come across!
I am so greatful for your willingness to share your knowledge
Thank you for the kind comment and thank you for valuing my effort.
I so much appreciated this distinction !
I have often experienced that this mantra is being used as a way to actually end an inquiry, to even make someone wrong “well you just have to learn to love yourself”.!
It has become such an accepted solution to every inner problem.
And one is left with an unsatisfied feeling.
So you get hypnotized /conditioned on to a new level :
Glad this video sparked reflection for you. It's helpful to challenge these messages and core beliefs. Thank you for engaging in this content. You might also be interested in taking The Attachment Distress Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
We also talk more in depth about needing both self-love and positive regard from others simultaneously in the Improve Your Relationship community. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Bless you!
Beautiful video! This gentlemen is so articulate! So amazing.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my work. Glad you like this video.
Also, if you like this video you may like joining in on the conversations around topics like this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Best explanation of self love yet!! 👍
Thanks for the kind words and thanks for valuing my effort.
This topic also comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is very helpful :)
Your wisdom and knowledge is freakin amazing!!!! P.x
Thank you so much for all your videos. You are always very clear and understanding. It feels like you really have a great insight about what's going on within us.
You are very helpful. Thank you 🙏
I appreciate the kind words. Thanks for valuing my efforts to offer quality content. Glad it's helpful.
This content evolves out of the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. Check out the Community: www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you for your link. I will surely check this.
Thank you. I found this video really helpful. I've always felt so unsure about getting in a relationship. Recently, I discovered my core wound and I'm looking to develop relationships with people more. I've just been stopping myself because I'm not sure if I'm 'ready'. Hearing this really gave me some clarity. It helped me feel more sure of myself in wanting to develop relationships. Thank you again
Eric, I'm glad to hear this one resonated for you. Many can relate and that is a wide belief that we have to be 'ready' before we start relationships. We can't grow by locking ourselves in a room until we're 'cooked' and ready to relate with others. Good for you for being open to this awareness. Since you liked this video you may also be interested in a course I recently created. You can learn more by taking The Attachment Distress quiz to find out what your response to relationship stress is: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Also, if you'd like to learn more ways to engage or support the continuation of these videos, check out these options:
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
Yes, that was helpful. Ty
Glad this is helpful. Thanks for valuing my effort.
I’ve said to my therapist and friends, I’ve never lost who I was, I know exactly what I like and how I feel, and enjoy doing what makes me happy, taking care of my responsibilities, handling my own emergencies, and tending to my personal to-do list. I do not develop my self-esteem from my ability to help other people. I mean it’s a relief if you’re able to when somebody really needed it (I don’t want to be driving down the road and just happen to see my mom stranded on the shoulder because her car broke down and I just keep driving. That’s cold). However, I DO NOT like constantly being “needed”. Not everything is an emergency, dagnabbit. You can make some changes to prevent some of those “emergencies”. Internal locus of control. What I need to learn is what to do when people badger you if you don’t do ___. That’s the problem I keep encountering. The counterforce is strong and I don’t have any clue what to do when somebody is doing any and everything to drive me to the actions and behaviors they want out of me. And yes, I say no and tell the other person exactly how I feel, try to compromise, etc etc. Only thing I can think of to make them stop doing it is magic. Petunia Durseley shouted at Harry Potter to go cook the bacon and Harry waved his wand. Petunia stopped shouting, went to the kitchen and cooked it herself, and Harry went back to sleep.🤷🏽♀️Everybody lived happily and got along just fine.
Love yourself first. Funny...my ex used to use that term as the reason to be narcissistic and self indulgent while putting my needs on the back burner. BTW, it took me awhile to cultivate, but yes my garden grows! 😊
Life Saver, thank you so much. My hero!
Thank you Alan!
Thank you so much, I do need to accept myself more. It is just so difficult.
I find myself focused on everything and NOTHING at the same time. Does that make sense?
I hear you. It does make sense. Many of us can relate. Glad this video resonates. Thanks for valuing my work.
If you like this video then you may also like getting in on the conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I think I got your point! Self-love is not the opposite of love, it is not a means nor a prerequisite for love with others. Self-love in these ways would become some form of conditional self-love, that would follow the same theme of conditional love we received in childhood, right?