Why Dismissive Avoidants Suddenly Leave A Relationship | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
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In this video, I’m going to talk about Why Dismissive Avoidants Suddenly Leave a Relationship
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Unless you're dealing with a DA whose actually working on their attachment style, my advice to anyone dealing with these people is to leave them alone. You will drive yourself crazy trying to get them to open up. I don't care how much you love them, love yourself first. It's not worth it. They have to want change for themselves, you can't want it for them.
I absolutely agree, the person who identifies with the DA attachment style also needs to recognizes their wound/pattern/behavior and work with the other party. Both people need to work together
ITA! I just dealt with a guy who is a classic dismissive avoidant a while back and it was like pulling teeth! Never again dude, I don’t have it in me to try to navigate how they’re feeling and if they even care. I’m a “fearful avoidant” myself. I have a hard enough time making it work with “regular” guys, let alone a guy who just clams up at every opportunity. It’s a lonely road dating one (who’s not getting treatment/progressing).
@@SK-no2pp very true so no way of ever addressing it to someone who doesn’t want to speak to you at all. What a shame a total shame indeed. It almost feels like ego attachment justified for the very things adults refuse to recognise that in fact it’s ego related. What a shame on the soul suffering Da’s that don’t even know it. Going through life thinking their happy but their not but in fact in the shade and shadows of false sense of safety
@@parrypapp5065 that's why we need to encourage or share our experiences with attachments styles so the people out there understand,you know share Thais videos and talk about why those issues are so important !!!
@@parrypapp5065 DA experience isn't soul less, often it is hard to talk to a AP when you having a issue with them.
DAs just decide things on their own, make a bunch of assumptions, and treat those assumptions as fact as they alter their behavior making you feel like they’re a stranger and distance themselves, or get into a rebound relationship.
The usually make the decisions for both people in the relationship :/
entirely.
100% they assume everything and their mind does cartwheels on how this will fail etc. I can't deal with someone like that especially when they do nothing to correct it. Then they run off to the next person.
@@SK-no2pp Yes 😂
exactly
If they leave, let them. Find someone that you are more compatible with.
My DA would find every way she could to sabotage what we had after she was so into me. If I blinked too hard she would say “That’s why we can’t be together!” It’s like walking on eggshells. And don’t express emotions to them. I was called crazy all the time when I would explain how I was feeling. It really was the worst thing ever.
I really tried to hold on because I felt we could be really good together, but it was exhausting. I don’t have time for it. I was finally ok with letting her go.
Having been immediately dumped by a DA, I say let them go. No matter how painful it is. Acknowledge the grief and pain of the loss for the relationship. Most importantly, also acknowledge and prioritize the pain and loss of YOURSELF if you continue with the DA. I lean towards secure, and I caught myself loosing that as I continued with the DA. So when my ex DA all of a sudden said he's flying out (he said this for the 4th time), in a split second I replied...."Good! When?" Never negotiate with them to stay. Let them go! It's going to fckn hurt, but might as well have COURAGE to go through the hurt of transitioning to a healthier you. You only have 1 life to live, imagine living the rest of your life in such misery. Is that the "value" you want to give yourself?
Hurt people hurt people. Release them with compassion, bless them from a distance, and hope the best for them. Its not your job to fix them. Its their job to fix themselves. And its your job to fix you too.
*we got this peeps!
i LOVE this comment...so much. My fvourite part is you saying you lean towards secure but were losing it. Holy smokes girl...SAME. Towards the end of the relationship I was checking my phone every 10 min to see if I got a text. I doubted my self worth and if I was even attractive...I was a miserable mess...and reverted back to my AP from years ago...almost as if she unravelled everything I worked for. Luckily the foundation is still strong...just needed a few touch-ups to the roof and windows. But never again.
Thanks again for you comment. Loved it.
Exactly!
im really happy for you you that you are at that stage u must feel better for it :) im finding it hard working out if the guy who i have been with is DA or FA hes broken up with me 4 times in 8 months but we always stay in contact and end up back together even tho we are not with anyone else and havnt been the entire time im not allowed to "label" it as that will give me false hope that its going somewhere :/ he didnt think he would end up falling in love with me and he is always telling me he loves me (until he switches very quick sometimes even within 2 hours of saying he loves me more then i love him) then the next minute its over :( he did this 2 weeks ago on the phone then said he was so sorry but he was blocking me and hung up, i was just shaking all evening, then i get a call in the night and he was saying how he loved me and he had felt so upset and guilty all evening and that he had been crying, he was really sweet for the week in phonecalls and txts but then the odd time it would be "i dont want to see you we are not together" and go very cold but then next day calling me a my pet name, this is so confusing to me as he says he still loves me alot i still really love him, he still puts kisses on and im still being very nice which i always have been and he says thats 1 of the things he loves about me is that i have never once been horrible to him, its just such a shit situation cuz hes not a bad person else i wouldnt be in love with him, we laugh till we cant breathe we can be ourselves round eachother have amazing sex loads of cuddles kisses lots in common he would cry and open up a little so thats why im finding it so hard to work out if he is da or fa, im just not coping very well atm, sorry to write such a big story
Same! I reverted back to my AP style. They’ll make anyone insecure. It doesn’t matter. You’ll be bending yourself like a pretzel. Not worth it.
Love your advice: " Release them with compassion, bless them from a distance, and hope the best for them. Its not your job to fix them. It's their job to fix themselves. And its your job to fix you too." Well said and succinct!!
I am secure dating an avoidant, taking it slow and it's beautiful to see him ask questions about his attachment style and him using me as a model for emotional work. I'm proud of him
@Queen queen We learn from each other in healthy relationships.
@@blueskies773 👏
is better if you run first, no matter how great is the DA, is a DA be sure that there is no anything more like depression, PTSD, BPD or bipolarity.
I've been dating a DA 6 months. She said from the start she goes slow. Sometimes she is so into me then she isnt. I feel like I'm her 2nd choice. She never discusses plans just says what she is doing so I have to work around her. When I mirror what she does she gets upset not realizing she does the same. She unable to communicate. Just says she doesn't want drama. It sucks cause I fell for her and hope we can work it out
That would be amazing!! That is some trust that the DA allowed and your partner must really love hou
it's exhausting. i'm exhausted.
I've just come to the conclusion that a DA is just an over glorified word for a person who is extremely selfish. Not worth the time and/or energy.
No it means the were hurt once and are afraid of getting too close again , so the become avoidant holding people at arms length. Calling them selfish, is a massive generalisation and simplification. Other attachment styles have their own problematic behaviours too, an insecure's clinginess could be viewed as selfish, especially when they try to isolate a person to keep them to theirselves. I believe empathy is they key to understanding all attachment styles. I'm formally DA... I wasn't "selfish" I was in pain and pushed it all down, Ive since healed my past hurt through therapy and am now pretty close to secure I think. Long story short, when we label people with blanket terms like "selfish", we fail to see them and only validate their dysfunctional need to push people away because they feel like no one understands them... and they even doubt their own feels... and the pushing down of emotions only deepens.
This is an aweful lot of work for someone who doesnt want to show up. I been studying this for a few months now and it seems its easier to just let her go versus getting hurt.
Yes, just run.
They don't contribute to the relationship you end up doing all the work. They get into receiving a lot. Then they run for the hills when you set boundaries or say NO!. Nah I'll pass thanks.
I dated a DA for nearly 7 months. She was also on anti depressants and although I asked for my needs, all I got was flip flopping. I used to be an AP and it took 5 years to learn a secure style. Entering I was secure...I left a miserable, miserable anxious mess. Once the relationship was over I slept better, finally lost the covid weight I put on, picked up my music again, got back into my yoga routine. I was in love with the potential. Great person, did the best with what she knew how...but holy fucking damaged.
My part? Towards the middle I started to people please and my boundaries needed to be firmer. Wouldn't have matter at all. The fact that I feel so good a month into my break up I have my answer. The end of the relationship woke her up...she finally realized that she is a DA....and hey....if she ever fixes herself and wanted to work on things consciously, she'd be amazing. But as it stood..THE most TOXIC relationship of all time
If your idea of a toxic relationship is one with a DA then I hope you never date someone with a Cluster B personality disorder. Now they are seriously toxic and crazy-making.
@@grayhalf1854 i dated someone with both. And covert narc tendencies 🙃
@@winbu1483 yikes
@@grayhalf1854 cluster b is much better than avoidants.At least they are not cold as ice as the DA
Problem is, as an AP, I have shown all my vulnerabilities, had deep conversations, made my needs clear many times. But my DA partner just tends to still slip away eventually.
Same for me. It’s frustrating…
@@lilianamarques8242 it is
They all do that,. It's a fools errand.
patience. Work on yourself first.
Just run from DAs altogether. It's not even worth TRYING to make it work, the juice simply is not worth the squeeze. Unless the DA is actively working their ass off to become a former DA- which they will not do just because you ask them- there is only one way to win with a DA and that's to completely abandon everything you need and want in a relationship and accept that you'll never get any of it from them. The FA or AP partner does all the work while the DA sits back and demands their way. Any time they don't get their way they hold the whole relationship hostage by disappearing until they "feel better."
It's like having a relationship with a spoiled toddler. They have absolutely no room for another person's existence, feelings, or needs whatsoever, so don't bother thinking you'll be able to resolve conflicts with them- they'll just turn anything you say around on you and make it all about them. It doesn't matter what a good communicator you are, anything that confronts their behavior in even the gentlest way is "criticism" in their world.
They'll sulk their way through Christmases, birthdays, and events that are important to you or simply not show up at all if they "don't feel like it," punishing you for "making them go" if they do show up. Promises they make disappear into thin air as soon as those promises become inconvenient to how they feel or what they want, but don't dare hold them to their word because you're "not respecting their space." They spend the entire relationship competing with you and preoccupied with their "space," never appreciating the relationship at all, but then getting mad at you when you stop giving.
They take and take all of the love you have to give and give nothing back. They create whatever story about you makes you the enemy to justify their behavior and then proceed to treat you as if that story is true- without ever consulting you about it, by the way- all the way out the door.
When the FA or AP finally starts setting firmer boundaries and telling the DA "no" to doing all the work in the relationship, the DA gets vindictive and spiteful and sabotages everything, leaving their exhausted partner to clean up their messes while they walk away with no consequences or remorse. Many times they will pull stunts like moving out without telling you or just ghost you altogether. However they leave, it will be like you never mattered to them at all. And you will never ever get an apology or any accountability from a DA. Not ever.
FAs and APs, do yourselves a favor and just heal yourself, then go find someone secure. Leave DAs to work their shit out alone- or with each other. If you're going to bang your head against that wall trying to make it work with a DA you might as well just go be with a narcissist. There isn't much of a difference.
My DA has ended our relationship 3 times in just under 4 years. Yet he is the one that eventually always comes back. The pain of the breakup hurts me so deep to my core. I want to start a family soon and I don't have the luxury of time. And I know the dating pool is full of DAs. I worry I'm just going go get abandoned over and over again and miss out on being a mum. I'm so heartbroken.
Secures tend to stay in relationships long term which means the leftovers tend to be DA. And so I think we a lot more DA's in the dating market as you said
You are allowing yourself to be abused. Do you really want to marry someone like this only to find yourself divorced and possibly raising children on your own? Do you want to subject children to this? You have to put yourself and potential offspring first. I am sorry your window for children is closing. But this guy sounds like a narcissist. Recognize that you have to find out why you are attracted to someone like this so that you can find someone ready for comittment. Find a good therapist. It may be the best money you ever spend if you are serious about a relationship. Perhaps as time goes on there are fewer secure types available. I am not in a position to know if that is true. However, there may be more than you realize. There are some videos that might help you better identify good dating partners. Best wishes
Same. But God's timing is perfect. Out of billions of men you only need 1. Pray
Oof, I felt that. Hope you heal and find a man that deserves you and get to become a mother.
I'm right there with you!
My relationship with my DA ex was absolutely consumed by his needs. All we ever argued about (and by argued, I mean he constantly picked fights about) was *his* needs, *his* boundaries, *his* space, *his* schedule. I gave and gave and gave to that relationship and it was never enough. Then, whenever I tried to assert my own needs and resolve why they weren't getting met, he would hijack the conversation and make that about *his needs* too. There was no room for me at all, and he didn't care. "I, me, my" were his obsession 24/7. Ugh. I'll never get involved with a DA again. It was exhausting, he took from me til I had nothing left to give myself and then blew up the whole relationship and disappeared. I got literally nothing out of it. And of course, he's never bothered to apologize or own up to his shitty behavior. I mean, why would he? *He* got everything he wanted.
That’s exactly how I felt too
Don't confuse DA and narcissist. He's more of a narcissist than a DA according to what you wrote
mine was so similar - I felt controlled by his needs - for his space, his dating schedule, what he would share in terms of activities together, everything became circumscribed once we began to be comfortable with each other - I let him have the rope to dictate things because I sensed his unease, but figuring he was 'normal' and would work out comfort levels over time - (never heard of a DA before) but I realize now how controlled every aspect of the relationship was for me - yuck. Then as soon as I expressed a need of mine to get him to compromise more to the middle, such as how I wanted to do things concerning the relationship - boom he blew it up. Just walk people. No one wants to have a relationship where the rules are dictated to you and you have no say and then your concerns over what could happen are not concerns they're actually you perceiving this person doesn't have what it takes and will ditch at the first sign something like work is expected of them. They're like the baby in the womb getting all their needs met and that's how they like it - don't you dare try anything else.
I hear what you're saying and the pain of being on the receiving end is palpable and real but it also sounds as if you may have abandoned yourself in "some" ways (not all ways) in order to maintain the connection. There needs to be clarity when it comes to boundaries and personal timelines in place in order to take inventory so you can accurately and honesty assess what is acceptable to you and for you in a relationship. DAs often lack the capacity to be vulnerable because it triggers their core wounding and reminds them that "feeling" and "expression" and "communication" were not considered, allowed or maybe even ignored by their initial caregivers so they learn to associate vulnerability with lack of safety when what they really need is to re-program themselves and their fears. I am not making excuses for DAs; in fact they are bar none, the most difficult people to deal with in a relationship dynamic because collectively, DAs don't seem willing, open, comfortable or self aware enough to take a deeper dive into themselves and their own behaviors to have enough compassion to see how their behaviors and actions affect their own lives and impact the people who care about them. It's a complete disconnectedness that no other attachment style has.... and it's painful for those on the receiving end. Trust me... I do know this. But in the end, its not a "you" problem, it's a "them" problem. And I'm not saying DAs aren't worth the effort because everyone deserves a chance, but there also has to be a willingness to work through conflict and an attempt to at least "TRY" to facilitate an open channel of communication and resolution. There are no guarantees in life however, by shutting down and leaving (which is the DA's classic move), they rob themselves and their partners of ever having the opportunity to collectively work through rupture or conflict in a healthy way. Without a willingness to collaborate, the relationship is one-sided and ultimately unfulfilling for both partners.... Just my .02
A very emotional abusive relationship to be cut out and assumed the worst of. Definitely helpful to learn about this to avoid them in future.
My DA ex actually dumped me 2 weeks before our wedding, went to our honeymoon alone and decline my suggestions to go to therapy too...I would also agree with people here to not continue with people that avoid the to work on themselves, if you have any anxious attachment please be aware and get help. I am in therapy for years and I saw a huge impovement on my anxiety. I could never manage such an avoidant before ! I know they have a charm but its too much pain.. Lean toward someone more secure if they dont want to get better. They can hurt you too much...
This literally just happened to me and I was stressing about what was wrong with me when I didn’t think this was something to end things. It was definitely time to have a conversation. We are not going to work things out because of the disrespect I received from him but I appreciate this breakdown.
My DA ex that I dated for 1.5 months, left me out of the blue because she told me that I was suffocating her. She told me that I was controlling and even though I just wanted to love and care for her. She moved on rather quickly and is spending time with her friends and potential love interest from the past. Now I feel the blame for being a horrible person even though I know it was her insecurities in play. That is worst hurt you can feel is to be blamed for to be too caring and loving and then her acting like nothing happend. I wish I could get over it.
I'm kind of amazed that after 4.3k views, there are 0 "dislikes." She must have hit the nail on the head
I had a great bonding experience with my DA in his Love Language. It was an experience where we showed how comfortable we were with each other, a glimpse of good intimacy and connection. Afterward it awakened his sense of being in a relationship and being excited and really wanting to see more of me... for 2 weeks... and then started opening his dating apps again. Eventually he just told me he started seeing someone else (not true) and ended things with me immediately. It is so odd where you can go from having such a beautiful bonding experience with someone, to severing the attraction immediately and fleeing. At the very least I expected him to show more respect. He could have just asked for space, but no he RAN!
Just went through a break up with one today. It took everything out of me. I hope more people take the time to learn more about their attachment style and educate themselves. I’m completely empty and have nothing left. He took everything from me.
how are you feeling? mine left me 4 weeks ago but properly 2 weeks ago and im just a mess
@@itsbritneybitch69 it gets better..with time...u realize....they are really ill....and u deserve better... move on...slowly..but permanently....t
Walk away from these people and don't look back because even if they return they will pretend like nothing happened. They don't want to address the problems, so they will keep leaving after you invest more time and emotions in them while hoping for change.
Totally can relate 💔
sounds like a bipolar thing too. too much to handle and very little return.
Dated a DA for 8 months. After meeting the parents there was a lot of discussion from him about how he could be "treating me better with feelings". In addition, he started to really nitpick me and there didn't seem to be anything I could correct before he moved on to a new issue. I was staying at his place almost every night and one day suggested I could use a key to make things easier (but not asking to move in) and that basically broke us after two months of feeling like I could never do enough to make him finally "flip the switch" and open up to me. So. hard.
This exact thing happened to me too. Dear god i was a mess at first. But working to heal yourself and detaching from them helps a lot.
My mum's a dismissive avoidant. It was so painful to always be rejected and it's so strange how you are helping heal that with understand I wasn't rejected for needing a hug or crying when I'd hurt myself. She really didn't know how to handle it so instead of nurture she had to walk away to cope. It makes so much sense and i actually have so much empathy and forgiveness thanks to you. It's easy not to beat myself up for it as being worthy of rejection. Thank you💖🥰🙏
I took my da back 3x. He just ended it again. Hurts really bad because when he's "on" he is absolutely incredible. But I can't handle this.
It makes me an AP.
Yep, mine left all of a sudden when we never had been closer. I think that's it, as a DA he left he got scared. He says I am 'scary' although I am very loving person...no conflict. Yes, as a DA he pulls away. This is years on, he has pulled away many times, so everyone knows we are together. He pulls away and doesn;t work on it with me. This was so sudden, out of nowhere. It has been 6 weeks now, I see him sometimes, he looks at me with love, he does say he cares about me. He hates conflict and has learned helplessness...It does make me feel like I'm unloveable, but he always put me on a pedestal so I know it wasn't me, except being an anxious and trying to fix it, but I do try and give him time...
*hugs*
@@MadameSenator Ah, thank you. We did work through this, although it was months of heartbreak. It happened so suddenly, that's what hit me hard. I am learning to be more patient and less needy and he has been taking me places and treating me much more like a partner. In this case [not all] I knew there was something there, although I would not set myself up to go through this perpetually. Thanks
Update?
The idea of rebonding with them sounds impossible. They cut me off and never turned back. Your videos have helped me SO much to understand him and how it happened. But he would never even understand the concept of rebonding.
It happened so suddenly a month after I moved out of our old apartment. Ghosted me for a week (after talking everyday), so I didn’t bother him, then I reached out and got a huge text message ending the friendship immediately without even the thought of talking it out or literally any care or understanding for how that would absolutely destroy me (I have bpd). He knew that and we even had a discussion earlier on our friendship that was basically “if our friendship ever ends please don’t ghost me, give be the respect of being an actual human and talk to me (even if it can’t be fixed)”
He knew that and cut it off in literally the most painful and triggering way possible for someone with bpd. It’s been years now and I still feel fragile to ever trust anyone again. Sad part is, I think he completely moved on and has never/will never look back.
I still don’t understand how we could be best friends and in one week of silence (which may not sound long, but for someone with bpd and messaging multiple times a day-it is a long time). I was lowkey impressed with myself and did everything not to reach out, but I guess he was hoping I would never reach out again and things would just stop and live happily ever after.
I know those with bpd can be overwhelming in their platonic and romantic relationships-which is why I tools years to do the work to not exhibit those negative traits often.
I never knew about avoidant attachment style then, it may have made things easier and I could have mentally prepared more.
Bpd is a lot, but DA is subtly more cruel and hard hitting. I don’t think I’ll ever let anyone get that close to me again.
When someone knows your vulnerabilities and the power they have over you-and still Chooses to hurt you in the deepest and most tailored way possible…
I wonder if DAs have any idea of how much damage they leave in their wake after they’re gone. And if they do feel guilty for doing it that way to someone they said they once cared for-then don’t they deserve that guilt? They rarely give other closure when they split so I feel like guilt is getting off easy in comparison.
Hug u @tspeak
Thank you for responding to this, it's been a year since I made that comment and I completely forgot about it. It was really good looking back and seeing my emotional state and understanding from them. I am happy to say that I have officially "released" and forgiven him from within. Even if I never see him or get to tell him I forgive him, I'm in such a better place now and have accepted the choices he believed he needed to make. There is no spite or sour feelings anymore. Still hurts sometimes, but I never felt more relief in my chest than the day I finally let those feelings escape me. I know it may not always stay like this, but it feels good to know that I made it here and that this point does exist. Of course, I still miss him at times, but I don't regret having had that connection. Your videos taught me a lot about how he might be thinking. I do have pity in the most sincere way for him, and hope he can find the joy he deserves too. Thank you for being a part of helping during my healing journey (which i guess will always still be taking place haha)
@@mandimandi365
He's ghosted me for three weeks after three years he's done it before I'm not chasing him this time I'm done I need peace in my life
Hope you were able to get out.
Any update?
I'm a DA. I'm in this video and I hate it. I don't know how to be a better person :/
This makes so much sense why the DA I was friends and dated kept telling me to marry someone rich. He liked me for 6 months when he first met me but didn’t tell me, I didn’t like him and was dating someone else at the time, so he became my friend and we bonded. There was a lot of inadvertent vulnerability between us bc we were friends and spent so much time at our job together but the minute we kissed and started dating and got closer and closer he pulled away only to come back then we’d have a vulnerable amazing night together I met all his friends, but then he’d pull away only to come back again. This happened so much. He hadn’t had a girlfriend in 7 years and he was 31. There was one point where I suggested let’s be friends with benefits (I liked him and just wanted to keep him somehow. Stupid I know, but I didn’t know about attachment theory) and he said no, that never works and I’ve been on both sides. And he said YOU wouldn’t be able to handle it. I asked him why he think I wouldn’t be able to handle it, expecting he’d say the Stock answer “girls get more attached after sex” not what he said, his answer was really odd he said “because say we decide to continue hooking up and we are not in a relationship. That means you can date any guy you want right? I said “yea I guess” and he said “Right so say you meet someone you really like and you want to spend time with them, you’ll no longer want to see me, you’ll date someone better than me and then leave me, you won’t stay with me right?” I hesitated and said “well if we are just fwb then no I suppose not” and he said “right exactly. That’s why it won’t work.” It struck me as odd bc I’m like did he just say he thinks I’ll want someone better than him? Does he like me and want more but he isn’t even aware? It was just weird.
But I brushed it off and then a few months later we decide we both like each other more and we’d date again but he told me you’re probably going to marry a rich guy, you’re absolutely gorgeous and I don’t make that much money, you’ll leave me for some handsome rich guy and someone better. I’m not even that special” he repeated this throughout our friendship drunk and sober and I never understood it. Like he didn’t even give us a chance to actually be in a relationship. But we were very close and knew each other well so it makes sense why he’d be afraid so early on bc of our friendship there was already a lot of vulnerability and pressure and that scared him? Idk but it was the oddest dynamic I’ve ever experienced.
You made it clear you wouldn’t mind leaving him if someone better roles around. Typical
@@manuelsanchezdeinigo3959 He opened that door. Men who do that in normal dating? It would be a hint to the girl that HE doesn’t want to invest in only her. I get DA’s don’t see this but he is rejecting her (before she does him but that is an assumption. He didn’t ask her what she wanted).
DAs lack self love. That’s why it’s so hard for us to give love because we don’t love ourselves first. Even those of us who are highly accomplished on paper downplay it and feel anyone can attain it and that’s it’s nothing special. His lack of self love was so blatantly apparent but I am not saying that you should have known that.
@punchdrunkbunny right exactly! And that’s how I interpreted it and why I answered the way I did. I took it to mean he was rejecting me so I certainly wasn’t going to say “no I wouldn’t leave you even tho we are only FWB” how dumb is that? I didn’t know Attachment theory at the time. To me it just looked like a rejection.
@C Murph thanks, yea you’re right it is lack of self love and thank you for explaining it to me. What id like you DAs to realize is that you don’t have to love yourself completely, that’s a life long never ending process. We want to love you, we want to show you that you matter and give you the care and sweetness and support you deserve. We want you to see yourself though our eyes and how amazing we think you are, just as you are. You’re more than enough for us. When you allow love in, you naturally learn how to love yourself more. A baby doesn’t love themselves when they’re born, but by virtue of being born they are deserving of love and learn how to love though their adults.
Oh I feel this so much I actually was thinking about this and wanted to talk about it then you make this video!
4:25 all that you listed is definitely my experience :( believing "I don't have the tools," 'not having the emotional literacy to describe the experiences,' 'feeling its not going to end well anyways,' 'learned helplessness,'
Can you do a video on a DA who's also a young widower? My partner struggles to process his emotions about his loss and obviously that has a huge impact on our relationship. It would be interesting to hear how childhood attachment traumas intersect with adulthood trauma, such as losing a loved one, and what to do about it.
Yes, that's something I would like to hear more about also. As a DA myself, it has taken me years to process the emotions of losing a loved one, and it HAS affected my life in a negative way.
I will bring this suggestion back to Thais and the team for consideration. Thank you
-PDS team member
I am so done with avoidant men. They drive me crazy. Until they are on therapy, I don't want them. And unfortunately, they come to me like moth to a flame and it ends the same EVERY time - they completely damage the connection because "they are scared", and worse yet, they are not able to discuss it.
DAs make you chase and chase, they are tricky for even the securely attached. My ex pulled the classic DA move of ending it after one conflict. It was the best relationship I'd ever had in my life before then, unfortunately though the DA is testing you using this tactic what they don't understand is they errode the trust and safety in the relationship by doing it. I love my DA but I have to respect myself more and when they deactivate it's like you don't exist and didn't mean anything to them.
this is what happened to me, i don't know why he told me he wants to marry me and couldnt imagine life without me (December week 1, 2021 -- THEN two weeks later telling he's fallen out of?) AND THEN GHOSTED ME..WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER 2 YRS WHAT...IM DYING OVER HERE and suffering... i dont know what went wrong
That literally happened to me! The exact same scenario! Together for almost 2 years, discussed marriage and kids down the line once we settled in our careers and after one incident and family issues he was dealing with, he ghosted me and I’m still hurt even a couple months later..
@@nilijahmoore6467 what happened??? Did he reach out? How long has it been
Yup. Everything was perfect, really.. We both acknowledged that. He planned to marry me. But suddenly he realised he was "lying to himself" about being in love with me, he just "had love" for me and therefore we couldn't be in a relationship anymore. And when I asked for him to think about this decision he said no, he made up his mind and he ruined what we would have had anyway by initiating this break up as we could never go back to what we previously had. This was all done over text too, it was a long-distance relationship and he refused to phone me.
@@HeavenlyEchoVirus it’s ok fuck them
I just want to say your videos mean so much to me and help me understand my ... well I guess my ex now and help me understand myself. I’m really appreciative of all the knowledge you share and once my heart is less broken I would love to take some of your courses. Please don’t stop making videos they help soooo much.
This is such an informative and helpful video. My partner is a DA and since I've started following your videos I've been able to understand him and his relationship style better.
Learned helplessness strikes again.
I know how unethical it sounds, but it might actually help if the anxious attached person be casually dating other people on the side. I was introduced to a dating app by a friend a couple of years ago when me and my DA partner were on a break. Back then I didn't know about attachment styles and just thought I'd been dumped and was trying to move on. I went on a few dates including dating a fellow AP for a short time (I became more secure, they became more anxious. So it didn't last). When my DA reached out to me I obviously came across more secure and confident, and we got back together. I know it wasn't right but I occasionally used the dating app to chat with other women and went on one date while I was with the DA. I had no intention of taking things further, but the effect it had on my security meant that the DA felt less pressured and needed. I think there's something to be said for dating multiple people if you're anxious.
I really appreciate you offering this, as it made me pause and re-evaluate my original stance. As an AP working on becoming more secure, talking to/dating more than one person is something I've done outside of a committed relationship. However, I usually become attached to one person (not in an unhealthy way) and when I do, find that I have zero desire to explore other opportunities. Perhaps as I become more secure and enter into my next monogamous relationship, that desire to explore may slowly develop? I always thought devoting energy to multiple people at once would be too much for an AP, but maybe not. Or maybe it depends on the person. Good thought - thank you!
Using others to become more secure is very egoistic
@@user-og8mu4ff4m the problem with being AP is that they can often have an scarcity mindset which creates feelings of despair. They can and usually do put their eggs in one basket and treat the person they date like nobody else matters in the world. From the pedestal they can only look down on you and failure to keep them happy can be agonising to the AP. So often a relationship is lost because of over-investing in a partner.
If you were brought up to be an AP then it's a lot of work trying to alter the mindset, but it's essential if you want to have any chance of a happy and fulfilling relationship. You need to be reassured that there are options available to you and that you're capable of meeting someone else if your relationship ends. It'll make you more likely to be properly present. Obviously you shouldn't be dating other women if your relationship is officially exclusive, but it's in the early dating stage when you need to practice an abundance mindset. After that there's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex and going out on socials with them.
@@donaczella I wasn't suggesting taking full advantage of somebody who may have feelings for you by offering false hope of a future that you know won't happen. You need to know who else is out there and get experience and understanding of the market if you want to know your true worth. I also wasn't suggesting that you continue to date once your relationship has become exclusive. Just continue dating and don't rush for exclusivity until you're sure about the right partner and sure about yourself.
Yes it is egotistical, but everything that we do to improve self esteem is. If you think this is bad then just look at the statistic of women with backup boyfriends despite being in a committed relationship. In those cases the backup partner is given just enough breadcrumbs to give them hope and they wait for long periods with no guarantee she'll ever come back. She progresses with her life and career and family while the backup boyfriend gets older without progressing in life.
@@Moonie787 Yes it is a little messed up, but to be fair the way humans connect, the codes and conventions, the stories that we tell ourselves when it comes to love and dating and what's right and wrong, and the way we accept and dismiss people and partners' words and actions based on pop culture/unqualified opinions/bogus expectations/controlling religious expectations and ideals etc etc, everything we believe and take for granted is pretty messed up.
The purpose of the dating experiment was never to seek outside validation but rather the opposite. It was a way to help escape the scarcity mindset and stop treating the DA like they were 'the one' by not seeing them as 'the one'. When talking on the dating app I would advertise that I was meeting new friends and casual dating and not looking for anything serious. I had no intention of taking it further than that, although if I had met someone incredible on there who was secure and a better match then that could have changed everything.
It was a lot like the early dating stage or courting, where you are honest with those you meet that you are dating other people two and testing the water, which is pretty standard practise. It does mean that for all intents and purposes, the relationship with the DA then takes more of the form of an early dating relationship, which is no different to the way the AP/DA relationship ever was. DA's are commitment-phobes and work hard to keep the relationship at surface level. So it's also a good way to come to terms with how the DA sees relationships in the first place.
Learned helplessness yessss!!!!! Victim identity 360 degrees
Hi thais. Why do DA assume that a relationship will not work out? Why do they often talk like I am going to marry someone else in the future. Its been 8 months dating with him and and he keeps on making jokes about me choosing someone else. Today I told him that it hurts me and he said sorry. 😭 I love him❤️
They talk that way because it matches their negative beliefs about relationships. They don’t believe it will work out- so it doesn’t. Self-fulfilling prophesy.
Dismissive Avoidant’s have a deep subconscious assumption of emotional abandonment (their partner will reject them eventually). So they think once their partner finds out that their is something inherrently wrong with them (which isn't true) the partner will leave and want to be with someone else.
-PDS team member
@@sshuteandrew precisely. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.
As a DA, I would do this to kinda test the other persons interest in the relationship. So if other persons response is like yours ( hurtful, mad) I would guage the relationship as genuine. Just a weird way of doing things.
@@dclarke2179 thats kinda hurts man ... Plz don't do it to your loved one.
Fearful DAs are just very hard to communicate with. They say everything is ok, when u know they are not, and they pull away from u when u try to get close/try to talk them.
So much valuable sense in such a short video. Thank you very much!🙏🏻☺️
Glad you liked this one and you are so welcome :)
-PDS team member
Mine ended things by text!! He was a different culture. Muslim and Christian. I’m still confused about what went wrong.. but, I’ve moved on.
Thank you for these videos! It's really helping me to better understand my ex who is a DA (I am FA). I can see the traits, and it's like a textbook of what happened. Her and I are still friends, and we got talking about this stuff when we hung out this week. She didn't know that she is DA, and she doesn't like labels of any kind. Your advice about how she might be feeling hit the nail on the head, and I think that she might have started to see it in herself. I'm following your advice about how to repair the relationship between her and I. I don't know that her and I will get back together, and it definitely won't happen unless she is willing to commit to working on herself (and I am committed to working on myself), but going through this process is helping me to heal from what happened in our relationship and in my past.
Thank you so much for the videos. They really help me understand and have more empathy for both myself & another.
So much pain...I really do feel for anyone carrying weight like this.
I can relate to carrying pain from childhood experiences.
And if this person allowed me to, I'd love to be there.
I really try/want to understand and these videos do wonders for it all.
Infinite gratitude!
This describes my spouse 💯. It's super tough to deal with.
How did you even get married!
Oh they absolutely can be those fear while married. After you get married is also when a lot more is needed from them. And now they can feel locked in and in danger. It really does happen with married partner
@@SK-no2pp Totally missed all signs. I'm just being educated on Attachment Styles. Now I'm reflecting back and noticing all the red flags.
@@laurrelei yes. I don't see any other solution than to separate or Divorce. It's too draining at this point. I can't pour any more of myself into a relationship with the other person refusing to do anything.
@@SK-no2pp yes I'm surprised they don't do commitment. They become more codependent as well.
Nothing is a problem when someone shares their problems, listens to its partner in times of conflicts and try to improve themselves..then u can have a fulfilling relationship with anyone..but sadly my partner didn't..😔
My DA jumped into another relationship
They all do, they have orbiters (Deactivating strategy and usually betas they've boned before). My DA ad 10 blokes on her Facebook would "like" anything she posted for years.
Same thing happened to me..:/
This made sooo much sense ❤️ and right on time I was kinda ruminating about this very topic lately! I cannot wait for that rebonding course 🥳🥳
It would be lovely to have a video for help with getting through the process after breakup for the anxious from a DA who was slowly turning more secure 🙌🏼
It’s tricky to know what they were thinking when they were showing up slowly being more vulnerable and open and very loving, just still not able to communicate properly.
Very confusing times x thank you
How is this dynamic when you have an off and on relationship with a DA? They often comeback and just leave out of nowhere.
Yeah seems the person that just dumped me had DA tendencies. Never really opened up and kept mentioning I had expectations when I wanted to see her and talk to her more. When I thought we got closer then she closed off and kept me at arms length. That hurts the most especially since I would tell her that’s how it felt. She also never took accountability for things she said or did that affected me. I poured some feelings out last week and she didn’t acknowledge anything but texted me saying: well you said a lot here. This obviously isn’t going to work. I really really wanted it too and good luck. I wish I was the one you wanted. When I was like wtf? I called and she didn’t answer and then she responded in anger and was like I don’t wanna talk right now maybe we can talk tomorrow. I said cool when you want to let someone care about you let me know. Haven’t heard from her and now I’m doing no contact.
To me she just sounds like a sociopath. You dodged a bullet.
my ex is fa leaning dismissive, everytime he would break up with me he would say about trying to be friends but how would i feel when he eventually got a girlfriend, that really hurt as he would never label us cuz apparently that would lead me to think it was going somewhere and give me false hope :/
then he would come back, did that 3 times then the last time he was crying telling me how in love with me he was but that he wanted to find someone near his age to have kids with (even tho i could have them)
now he doesnt even want to know me, he said at the break up we could have contact and hang out sometimes and he doesnt even want me texting him now and its been 2 weeks since we discussed staying in contact, im just a bloody mess and it hurts
My DA ex said she doesn’t want me texting her either . She got into a relationship after a week. Just stay no contact and keep watching these videos. I’m still trying to figure out if mine will come back after the rebound so we can talk
Run from this garbage, you deserve better.
It is extremely hard to put these tools into action with someone who is unwilling to work on themselves.
AP here (and ENFJ if that matters to anyone). In a span of 3 days my 6 month relationship with a DA fell apart. This video and the rest on this channel have been very helpful for me to understand certain things. Setting clear boundaries, especially on my end since I behaved as if I had none, is on the top of my priorities next time around.
I want to ask though: I understand that my continual feelings of guilt (still acting like it’s my fault she pulled away, blaming myself for missing signs and failing to communicate my needs earlier when this was always a shared responsibility) are preventing me from moving on entirely. I also can’t seem to find an explanation for my relationship anxiety in early childhood memories, and I’m mostly drawing it up to first relationship cluelessness. Any advice for Anxious Preoccupied folks to not blame themselves long after a relationship ends? And is it possible to discover an insecure attachment style without understanding where the core wound comes from?
Yes, this!! Still struggling here.
Your questions are spot on for me as well about the relationship ending, guilt, lack of communicating needs/boundaries. However, I do know where mine stem from in childhood. From what I understand, it does not have to be 1 or 2 big incidents and could be little things you picked up unconsciously that you are still not aware of but they got you to this place. So now, you can start from here to change these behaviors, might not ever fully understand what led you here.
Hmm you don’t need to shoulder responsibility for her/his emotions and inability to show up for you in a meaningful way. In order to receive love, you do not need to prove yourself and your worthy. You are always lovable. You know that there were other reasons the relationship ended besides failing to communicate your needs earlier. Both people play a role in the relationships end. The avoidant person also has the free will to do the inner work, and reach out to you, to try again. Blaming yourself will just cause unnecessary self deprecation. You should change the narrative to, you did the best you could with what you knew, and moving forward you will continue to heal and learn
The wound comes from somewhere. It might be from your primary caregivers, or it may be due to a previous relationship. Since you’re aware you’re anxious preoccupied the best can do is to do the coursework and begin your journey of self improvement
@@SK-no2pp Thank you (and everyone else who’s commented so far)! I have found it’s easy to let the past creep in like a dark cloud, but the truth that I did try my best helps shine light on all of it, so thank you. Not sure what the “coursework” is for an anxious preoccupied, but learning to love myself, improve on my strengths, and recognize my weaknesses have been helpful these past few months
If they don't do any work they will be stuck in the power struggle phase. Fearful they need to control because their parents dismissed them and their feelings. ( Some may have alexithymia). It's painful to the partner. They have shoved their feelings down and are not present.
Still bugs me and it’s been over a year since my ex DA left me out of the blue. I was perfectly happy and very self confident in myself before she came along and I was very cautious and took things slow and she initiated the relationship and claimed she loved me and wanted to get married and as soon as I accepted that she turned around and ran away and I was chasing her and then she left! Still makes no sense and it aggravates me even after a year of separation and learning about all this.
True love never die don't give up anything in life all hope is not lost.
Love's is life, i know a powerful man that can help you get back your ex or crush forever within 48hours without stress and delay. he helped me too immediately.
Text him via WhatsApp
Do not let anyone come in between you and your relationship goal. Get them back to you and make their love strong like the ocean
I can connect you to someone who helped me attract my ex partner back to me after separation
I'd like to know why DAs stay..... 🤔 🤔
8 years and I'm always wondering if he really wants to stay.. Especially after learning about attachment...
And today after 8years I asked him to meet one of /my main needs/boundaries ... For him to communicate better when he needs space to alleviate my anxiousness...... Let's see how it goes... 🤔🤞🏻
If after 8 years he's still not communicating, you got your answer, these people rarely change, sounds like your carrying the relationship. Been there done that, if that's happening that's love on his terms only. Xx
Hi Thais! Thank you so much, you are helping me to get better. I want to be clear about some questions:-
1.Should we priorities people, if we should then on the basis of what?
2. Do common interest play a role in conversations? If I am a family man and my friend too but she became a friend man so what we will talk about now?
Please answer these question or reply it :)
vid begins at 0:00 ;)
I left a da seemingly out of nowhere. Was becoming anxiously attached myself. I tried to get them to communicate because they were using the silent treatment in every conflict. I felt burnt out and said I didn’t know how it would work anymore. And they basically said I was in the wrong.
Is it fair to say. generally speaking, that the more traumatic a childhood it was, the more avoidant a person is?
Great question
FAs actually are associated with the most trauma. I would say AAs and DAs just each have their own different 'flavor' of trauma
@@skwerl81 Fa's have more a variety of trauma's, Da's and Aa's can have a lot of trauma, but it is consistent trauma.
But Fa's can be made through more INTENSITY
Nope
Nope that would not be fair to say in general
Great to watch your videos Thais. Very clear and full of information I’m learning so much from watching these. Would like to take some of the courses as they are sure to be enlightening. 👍🥰
Love your content Thais! Are there any videos on 2 anxious attachment individuals together?
It's never "out of nowhere", it's a blind spot for the AP who's in denial big time and avoids conflict. I tried to discuss things for months prior to leaving, they wouldn't have it, shut down any discussion immediately by deflecting or ingratiating.
Let's all just be friends guys.😅 Not every problem/disagreement should be a breaking point. I argue wiff my friends all the time but for some reason, those arguments are the ones that bring us closer, mainly because they're just hilarious when we reflect on them. I just wish it was also like that in dating.... You know, just date your best friend😅
This OR the DA never speaks whats in their mind and what they are resentful about- so, still not out of nowhere but the partner or friend can’t mindread
My AP friends won't listen when I tell them it'll never work out between us and they need to move on and find a girlfriend so they won't be stuck waiting for me. 🤷♀️
Yeah same is happening in my relationship , I tell her and she doesn't understand. If we break up and tell the issue again. She'll act like it's her first time hearing my issue.
Grab them by the ear girl. Iss the only proven way APs will surely listen😁👍. I know this from experience😉.......
Buhh on a serious note, juss tell him straight
Thank you Thais 💖 I’m really struggling to apply boundaries. this short informative video was so precise. I benefited From listening as I gain perspective Empressdivine
Boundaries can be tough especially if we are coming from an upbringing where there where we didn;t know we had boundaries. You will get there the more you expose yourself. I'm happy the video benefitted you Empress!
-PDS team member
While Thais is doing the Lord's work I can't imagine going back to a DA with all the needs and expectations of their partner that will have to be dialed way down and in all likelihood never met to their satisfaction - better to cut your losses and move on to a healthier individual, imo
I would very much appreciate professional such as yourself speaking on these topics from a perspective of marriage rather than dating. In my particular case my husband Prior to me only had relationships that lasted a couple weeks, which I should have been a red flag. Prior to me only had relationships that lasted a couple weeks. We Had what I would consider a fairy tale 1st couple of years , having gotten married a year and a 1/2 in period At about the 3 year mark I started noticing changes But it wasn't until about the 7th year that things became extreme. Resulting in him asking for a divorce in 2018. We went through one week of intense therapy with a Christian couple Team. Who diagnosed my husband as DA, sex addict , alcoholic. My husband did not want to do the work , I continued with a year of therap and we have been separated for the last 4 and a 1/2 years. My husband swings in-and-out But I I'm so lost about what to do
Thank you for this video, Thais. My question is why do they want to remain friends with their exes after they leave the relationship? He wants to continue doing things as we did when we were dating only as friends.
I can chime in here as a DA. It's partly that I don't like abrupt change, but mostly that I still quite appreciate the person, and we had fun together, but the pressure of intimacy was simply too much in a relationship, too much pressure and too many expectations, it all becomes too much. With friendship those expectations and all that pressure is gone. There is room to breathe again.
As a recovering DA what the comment or below said is true. I usually had no problem remaining friends. I usually do like the people enough to be friends
What is the difference between a DA and a covert narristic? Or are they the same? Also do DA do they ever come back? Or there too scared or embarrassed too come back
Thanks
Hey please see this video that Thais has made that will give you some insight into your question: th-cam.com/video/juzU3XDblYQ/w-d-xo.html
-PDS team member
As a rule, no. DA’s don’t come back. When they are done, they are done. They already have very little hope or belief in a relationship so a break up puts them into a deeper pool of disbelief.
Their intentions and what drives them
I’m a DA ... I personally don’t come back the person who I have fallen out with has to come back to me , it’s a fear of rejection so to prevent I usually make other put forth effort all the time
@@jasminelanders3177 Why can't you not overcome that fear? Everyone gets rejected and it isn't the end of the world. In fact it makes you stronger in the long run. We all try to avoid painful situations but sometimes you just have to face it.
I’m a FA, my DA wants to take a break from the relationship, she said it’s because she knows she has problems, and she can’t provide me a healthy relationship right now because she’s emotionally unstable, and that she needs to work on her issues and process her trauma first, and then come back to me when she’s ready. However, she said she doesn’t know how long this would take, because there’s a lot she needs to process, such as fleeing war, being separated from her family, her father going mentally crazy because of the war…etc. IT IS A LOT! But I’m still wondering if this is a common thing for a DA to say? Or is this just an excuse to break up? Because when we discussed boundaries for the break, she said she still wants to hangout but only as friends, and that we both have freedom to see other people or hookups, but we’re not allowed to be in any relationship. Which it kinda makes me think that maybe she just wants to sleep around? But when I confronted her that, she said she’s not going to see other people, all she wants to do is to focus on her self growth. I just don’t know what this means..
Best DA 101 video ever.
Maybe they leave because they get tired of being blamed for issues that aren’t theirs, but of their partner who is projecting. Just saying.
Thank you Thais!!!
What if your dismissive avoidant is your mom. Who refuses to try to work on the relationship and ends relationship rather then trying to work on the relationship. My mom is cold rejecting and when I call her out on it she doesn’t know how to fix it so her response is why would you want to be in a relationship with her if you are angry with her because she keeps rejecting you and is cold to you. Why can’t she grow up and stop acting like a child instead she discards you and claims relationship is beyond repair. Mom my ass!
Can you do a rebounding video?
I will bring this video suggestion back to Thais and the team for consideration. Thank you
-PDS team member
Thais can you help me win her back? She has pulled back to just friends after 6 months of my needy and anxious behavior.
Thank you for your very helpful videos, Thaïs. One question: How can I distiguish a person with a secure attachement style from a DA just in the beginning of dating? Thank you! 🤗
I am also interested in the answer. Any chance to know from the beginning?
have them take the attachment style test
I made an INNOCENT mistake while out with my best friend and told my DA as soon as I saw him. He deactivated and dumped me. He has told me since that he is devastated and incredibly hurt. I'm now in day 9 NC. Is there anything else I should do????
My partner used to have this attachment style until I used a love spell. Super helpful.
Hey same problem here! Would love to know about your love spell ?!
@@policeman1386 Oh yes, I got the spell from a psychic. I can suggest him to you 😇
@@policeman1386 Do not let anyone come in between you and your relationship goal. Get them back to you and make their love strong like the ocean
@@policeman1386 I can connect you to someone who helped me attract my ex partner back to me after separation
What.xap
Hello Thais I love your videos. Do you think a DA can become secure if he/she tried to fix their issues, or will they stay a DA but learn how to navigate and deal with themselves/partners?
Hello, Does this course apply to people with same sex relationship as well?
yesfor sure :)
-PDS team member
Thank you 😊
What if a DA is behaving in this way and doesn’t recognise their attachment style would you tell them ? Would you say hey I believe you may have this attachment style which is why this has ended and mention the things that they do ?
She did a video on how to suggest attachment style theory. I would never tell an avoidant person hey I think you’re dismissive avoidant. Or I think you may have this style. Let them come to the conclusion on their own. Look up Thais recent video on this
@@SK-no2pp thank you. That’s really helpful
If the DA feels it's pointless or they feel helpless or they dont trust, is there a way to give them hope that working on it could be beneficial? Or do they just have to come to that on their own?
That would mean you’re trying to prove and convince someone to give you /the relationship a chance. You can lead the horse to the water, but you can’t make it drink. It’s best to work on your own attachment style - work towards becoming secure and model that behavior for a DA. We cannot do the work in someone else’s healing journey or try to speed it up. Sometimes, addressing these wounds is very painful for them.
Taking time to earn their trust and show you accept them for the person they are and want them to work on themselves for their sake and not yours.
@@SK-no2pp I hear that. Do work on self. But you cant model anything for them if they arent an actual presence in your life. If you dont live together or see each other.
@@ShimmerSoulSong I agree. This is a choice they (DA) make, even it’s it’s not the best. There’s ways to take accountability, for your side of the fence, there’s videos on that on this channel. How to reconnect with a DA etc. But after that, I would not chase anybody.
We really need to come to that conclusion on our own. Although you can reassure us
Wish she’d stick to the thread instead of jumping all o we the place… so confusing to listen to
Thais, is all you say in the video also true for fearful avoidant leaning DA you would say?
It fuckin hurts tho😔
6:46
Hi Thais, do these videos apply to NARCISSIST AND PSYCHOPATHS?
AP: "I'm going to fix this poor DA that looks so lonely and abrasive."
DA: "oh yeah? How are you going to do that?"
AP: " By eventually forcing the DA to be more like me!"
DA: "But you're fake. You're only nice to people so you can feel good about yourself."
AP: "How dare you mirror how I feel about myself!"
DA: "So, basically you want to heal a DA so you can heal yourself. How charming."
AP: "You're cruel and hateful and not nice and I don't like you!"
DA: "OK, good luck with that!"
The most hilarious and disturbing part about comments from AP's towards DA's is subconsciously AP's treat their real selves the way DA's treat them, which is why AP's have worn a mask their whole lives to be something they arent.
DA's simply remind them of this in real life, and AP's lose their shit.
DA's force AP's to take a deep hard look at their inner selves, and AP's just can't handle it.
We APs treat ourselves like we dont matter. Rejecting ourselves before others can cause it hurts less.. DAs pretend they are special and perfect to hide that they dont matter and project their bad traits on others like you just did. LOL Get it right dude.
@Alessa Gillespie even though this appears combative, for some reason I really like it.
You start with vulnerability, and then expertly craft that into a subtle suggestion to cause doubt, and then conclude with the assertion of being correct.
It's brilliant, really.
I think I like you.
Out of curiosity, is this what you really think, or are you just thinking out loud?
@@eminemstrash2021 not combative but, I tend to talk in a direct style. youre not the first to notice. Yes this is how I feel and notice from others. DA comments are often direct too and if I give it time, usually helpful and not cruel unless I have annoyed him then it will be condescending and preachy. I like to throw in a dismissive comment like Bye! that irks him .
Continually disappointed in Thais still not acknowledging that aromantic is an orientation. Not everyone is DA that doesn't want romantic love and not everyone is afraid of it. SMH.
Why would she address an orientation so uncommon for a general video? You’d have to buy her course to work through that.
What does aromatic have to do with anything? The school is about having healthy relationship with ones self and with others. If you identify like that than you need to set healthy boundaries. Every person falls in love, trusts, and develops romantic feelings at different timelines and stages based on their attachment style, trauma history, and personal preferences.
@@thisanonymous5956 it's not in the course either
@@grrlinglasses Please learn what aro is before commenting. Not every person falls in love it's precisely the point and isn't about boundaries at all.
@@ronmexico8383 I'm secure thanks
My partner used to have this attachment style until I used a love spell. Super helpful.
True love never die don't give up anything in life all hope is not lost.
Love's is life, i know a powerful man that can help you get back your ex or crush forever within 48hours without stress and delay. he helped me too immediately.
Text him via WhatsApp
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