Thing is, staying healthy only delays the inevitable. Whether we get cancer in our 30’s, a heart attack in our 50’s, a stroke in our 70’s, or dementia in our 90’s, it is very likely we will have a significant period of disability, often of a progressive variety, before we die. We need to know what resources are available before we find ourselves in such a situation; which, again, most people will at the end of life, whenever that comes for us.
Keep out of aged care facilities,once called nursing homes. Residents don't get respected, and very rarely will your dietary requirements will be considered. Create your own care plan away from aged care. Very pleased with the advice on the video. Never let bad lifestyle illnesses take over your life.
I am a youthful 67 year old that has seen what happens to people around me when they don't take care of themselves. Because I have no children and no spouse, I learned early on it is up to me to make sure I stay out of the nursing home. My siblings, who all live some distance away, do not want to discuss the topic, which is probably a good thing because I don't have to worry about how they will take care of me. They won't. I mean when your own brother says "Well, when you die, it'll probably be several days before anyone finds your body" that tells you something right there. It says no further discussion is necessary. Whatever plans I make are mine alone to make, and it will be up to whoever I have designated to decide what, if anything, to tell them should I become incapacitated or worse. (I have basically said, "use your own discretion; if they don't sound concerned or interested, then don't volunteer any information, just end the call.") It's sad, but that's the way it is. Meanwhile I try to stay active and take care of myself.
Mum and I talked this out 20 years ago (she's now 72), and I've talked it out with my own kids (I'm 50). You never know what's coming. Do your family a favour, be prepared.
Wow, 52 seems a bit premature. I’m surprised she was willing to have that conversation. At 50, I was just starting to travel the world. At 69, my husband and I are just now talking about these things as they are very relevant.
20 years ago, when Mom & Dad were 70, I asked them to move to my state so I could take care of them when they got old. Year after year they dismissed the idea, and stubbornly refused to give up the home they had loved for so long. Now they are 90.... Mom calls me 5 times a week crying about how hard it is. They have the money to afford a good nursing home, but she wants me to leave my job, home, and husband to come and be their care taker. When I said I couldn't do that, she stopped taking my calls. My heart is breaking, and I am furious at them for putting us all in the terrible situation. Please people - make a plan that doesn't involve jeopardizing your children's finances and marriage.
That’s a very selfish approach isn’t it - to assume your kids will be able to care for you and would want to and then react poorly when they can’t/don’t want to. My mother is the same, but she started when she was in her 50s. Wanted me to pay for her to move countries and support a mortgage for a separate home when I offered to have her live in our home with us - and this is before we bought our first home. When I told her that I can’t afford two mortgages, she told me that I don’t care about her and told my brother that I’m a bad child and she’s going to cut me from her will. It probably surprises no one that we are now estranged because I’ve come to realise that I can never please her and she will always expect me to sacrifice my own needs and those of my chosen family in order to serve her wishes. So I very much empathise with you.
Oh I hear you. My mum did the same. Tried to split me from my husband so she could stay in her house. Apparently she was told she had dementia but didn't tell anyone. I saw the signs as I was going through it with inlaws but she signed guardianship to my siblings and they wanted to follow her wishes. By law all perfectly fine and understandable... but so selfish. They tried two weeks on and off, long distance relationships with partners, health issues of their own. My baby sister learned a lot about our childhood abuse best left in the past. My mum is now in care and we can't fix the damage she's done.
I have made my plans and explained to my family I would like to be "out" as long as everyone is happy and is living their life but as soon as I restrict their life I will be perfectly content to be looked after by others. Take what you will from this video. We all age differently... myself I very possibly will have severe pain and will not be physically mobile nor mentally agile in my twilight years but I know I have support. And hopefully I will retain a happy, positive personality to help my support network make their decisions easier.
Fantastic video. I work in community aged care and my main driving force is keeping people at home to age in place. A lot of this information i wish my clients had heard 10-20 years ago!
Don't let it get to you. Had great aunt, lived to 99, alone in her own home 'til last couple of weeks. I was the only family member she'd let in- she was very intelligent, great fun and I learnt very early in our relationship that I had to give her space and respect the fact that she knew what suited her and gave her her best life.
My mother had to go into care. She had Alzheimer’s and after a fall, she broke several ribs and part of her upper back. I was her carer and I’m disabled, it became dangerous for her to be here as I just couldn’t cope anymore. I have so much guilt about it. Now I’m 60 and my disabilities are worse, but I’m on the NDIS now and have support. I’m also studying counselling, to help others. I think the one thing that would help people more than anything is effective pain relief. I have osteoarthritis and neuropathy, the pain relief I have is exhausting, it makes me want to sleep. And it doesn’t ease the pain that much. If people had a solution to their serious, chronic pain, everything would change. Great video!
When I work at nursing homes and some are going home I tell them " it was a pleasure caring and meeting you. But I mean this with love and respect stay out if you can." Encouragement and kindness goes a long way, keep in mind I tell those that are alert, healthier than others. This video is fantastic I told my mom I'm caring for her at home when her independence is limited. Not saying nursing homes are horrible but I personally do not want to live past 50
Remember don’t put someone in a nursing home because you want them to be safe. That’s a you issue. Yes they might get hurt or have an accident but you to could have an accident tomorrow too.
If your parent was found wandering lost on the freeway, or in the woods, or on the floor having fallen three days earlier, that’s a bit different from all the times I whack my head on things because I forget something is above my head.
I am so screwed. I have no kids, and my immediate family (brother, and a bunch of nieces and nephews) cannot be relied upon to pick up the mail, much less take care of me. I say this with the knowledge that I have to take care of _my_ mother with no help from any of them.
But if you have any money you KNOW that they will have their hands out when the will is read. If they think you are as poor as a church mouse, let them go on thinking that way. Leave your money elsewhere . . .
close friends, younger friends, friendly acquaintences at church, social club or art group often step up to help elders w/o a child or spouse to help. So make friends and keep socially active.
Good video, there is so much fear around this topic. I'm 72. In my experience, many seniors have a complete mental block about nursing homes, they have heard all sorts of horror stories, and just refuse to think about this option. Not to mention the many younger people who can't imagine themselves being frail, old and living with chronic illness, without shuddering. (The exceptions to this are the wonderful people, young and old, in the health professions who work with the frail elderly, and see them as normal everyday people whose lives have value and significance. ) I had to help my ailing parents a lot in their later years, then my mother spent her final 6 years in aged care due to dementia. I visited her 3 times a week in the nursing home, spoke on every visit with staff and residents, got to know them too, advocated for my mum -- and others -- and in the process learned a lot about nursing homes. I could write a book about it ... but the bottom line is that if you make it into your eighties, it becomes increasingly likely that, unless you are very rich indeed, or have at least 2 children as your carers, your final home will be in aged care. Even more, so if you reach your nineties. Hoping to "die suddenly in my own home" is no more than a wish; and a wish isn't a plan. Sadly, the current situation with people entering aged care is that most people go in against their will. They go in because they are forced to by events. I have only known 2 people who entered a nursing home by conscious positive choice, a couple who planned it well in advance. This is ideal -- because you get to shop around for the establishment you want, the room(s) you want, at the price you want, in the locality you want - just like shopping to buy a house. You have many months to mentally prepare to move. BUT if you are forced by events, you will end up in whatever nursing home has a vacant room at that time. It may be a sunless room, in a residence with a shortage of facilities, in a location where your loved ones can't easily visit; but you won't have a choice. And you will be deeply stressed by being forced to move, losing 90% of your possessions, losing contact with your existing social network and health professionals, and all this with virtually no warning or preparation. Why is this the usual way people enter nursing homes? The event most likely to send you into a nursing home is being sent to hospital, and the event most likely to put you in hospital, (especially if you are a woman) is a fall. If you end up in hospital after a fall, just being in bed itself will reduce your strength. If you don't recover to a certain baseline of physical or mental competency, the social worker may deem that it is not safe for you to return to your home. You will not be allowed to leave the hospital until a safe place for you to live has been arranged -- this usually means in aged care. From this point on, the patient may never spend another day in their home again. This is why in my view, more than anything else, FALLS prevention is the most important thing you can do for yourself, to avoid the trauma of abrupt removal to a nursing home at a time when you are in a weakened convalescent state, and not mentally or emotionally prepared. So if you have unsteadiness and balance problems, get treatment; and if you are not improving, start inspecting nursing homes. At least in the process of finding a safer place to live, you will be in charge. Some nursing homes are DEFINITELY better than others, they are worth hunting down to get onto their waiting list. >Just had to mention, re quitting smoking and abusing alcohol to "stay out of a nursing home". Stopping doing these things will extend a person's lifespan -- which makes it more likely, not less likely, that they may need nursing-home-level care as the years progress. And as nursing homes ( and hospitals) don't permit smoking or alcohol abuse, I think most smokers/alcoholics would prefer to keep on drinking or smoking right up until the day they have to enter a nursing home (or hospital) -- when they know they will be forced to stop.
I would hate to go into a nursing home. I have been a private person all my life and I am not a good mixer. I prefer my own company as so-called friends tend to let you down. I am 77 years old and in poor health but I would rather be dead than have to be imprisoned in a nursing home full of people I do not know or wish to know.
@@robertbarnier45 Not necessarily- it depends what is causing the 'poor health'. I'm an enthusiastic carnivore myself, but it's not the answer to every health problem.
My mums only 61 and just had a terminal diagnosis of pancreatic cancer & blood clots in her right foot/leg. Im trying my best at her home as she dosnt want to go bk into hospital or paliative care.
also we hadnt talked for nearly 10 years... once i herd i put the past behind us, at the end of the day our parents are usually the ones who help us get this far in life they walked the halls with us while we were babies, they deserve the same humanity
My sincere condolences. If she is willing and it's available in you area, you could look into home palliative and/or hospice care. It might not be nessassary right now, but good to have in the back of your mind
Why is she resisting palliative/hospice care? I worked in assisted living facilities, and more recently had a couple prolonged family tragedies, and my experiences with hospice have been nothing but wonderful. They focus on comfort and quality of life when medicine can’t provide a cure. ❤
@sarahwatts84 *big hugs* my sincere condolences. You've been through a lot, I know. Please look after yourself and reach out to others when you need it. *more hugs*
Quitting smoking and drinking is beneficial to ones health, but with a 50 or so plus person, its going to be more difficult. You hear, "but I'm too old and set in my ways to quit now," "thats the only fun I have left," and the most unusual one I've heard, "My cigarettes are my only friends." I'm 62 and my wife is soon turning 60, so we think about these issues in your video. We have an extra room downstairs which could become our bedroom, a bathroom downstairs, talked about making said bathroom more senior friendly, and there is a meals on wheels in our community if we need that.
Particularly brilliant video! Good work, Sam! I've been thinking about a nursing home these days, and after watching this, I'd rather put the effort into stay out! Scary either way!!
GREAT advice!! One REALLY good point to cover (maybe in another video?) be sure, 100% sure, YOU select an EPOA and EG who YOU TRUST, especially due to lack of capacity with dementia. My sister prematurely DUMPED my dad into a nursing home and believes she has now fulfilled her 'obligation'. She sold his first home to move him 3 hours away from any "familiarity".. Bought another home, the poor old bugger only got to live just over 1 year in, to be put into a hospital after a dementia episode (it SHOULD be expected) AGAINST HIS WILL. He knew it was not his home, he objected to it!!! Little did he know he would NEVER return to this "new" house. He is now in his second nursing home. She sold this new house 12 months later.. Herself and her estranged daughters lived only 15 minutes away and NEVER visited him for his first birthday in a facility. He should and could have remained in his home for the rest of his life, being cared for. Finally, he had his mobile phone removed from him AFTER he could still answer his calls and ALL of his musical instruments he no longer has been given ANY access to. Basically, he is institutionalised.. If a jury heard and saw the evidence I have on her financially, socially abusing him. They would put her and her VERY young boyfriend in jail!!!! Stay friends with your friends, remain in "community" so others can site and monitor you and your "so called" carers/family members. Reach out to people you can TRUST, but stay vigilant and protect yourself. Elder abuse is RIFE here and globally.. if anything be sure to have 2 POA and EG, so they both are held accountable in fulfilling their roles with YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART ALWAYS... He is now left with one lousy couch out of all of his belongings and nothing but pictures in frames of people and life he once knew. He was robbed of EVERYTHING. Freedom GONE!!! Be careful.. rethink also while you have the chance to change your POA and EG, if you have any gut feelings the person you appointed, CHANGE IT. YOU have the right to, without ANY explanation. Protect yourself while you still can.
my grandad turned 80 last year, and he's going blind due to a brain tumour putting pressure on his optic nerve. He had surgery to remove it recently, but is running into complications because it effected his pituitary gland so his hormones are out of wack now. He's also bipolar and had an episode about a year ago when he came of his meds and tried to run away and ended up in a psychiatric ward. I worry about what's going to happen, because he's lost so much of his independence now after loosing the ability to drive. My grandma, (who turns 80 this year too, her only major health issue is high blood pressure though), and him are in a pretty toxic codependent relationship, they should have broken up decades ago, so my grandma has absolutely no bother to care for him, but also if he got admitted to a nursing home she'd be all alone and that wouldn't be good either because she'd just waste away mentally even more than she already does. She's a very depressive woman and does hardly any of the things you should do as you age to stay sharp, doesn't even read anymore even though she could, just walks the dog (and the dog has a disease and can hardly walk now, so this was the only exercise she or my grandad got and it has reduced), watches tv, cooks food, repeat. They are both so deeply miserable and stuck in their mindset and situation. Being with my partner now, I just can't even imagine how I'd feel if we'd been together for that long, and I was going blind and had a brain tumour, and she didn't even care to visit me in hospital- it would break my heart. Sorry for having a bit of a rant, but it's so frustrating watching people who won't help themselves!
I'm 39 and believe doing these things as early as possible. Personally, I wouldn't mind going to a care home. My father always says he's going to go for a walk in the woods and fight a bear.
Mum (mid 70s) has always said she does not want her kids to care for her, and will be part of the planning. She is already in an 'over 55s lifestyle village', but my step dad who is 11 years older and does not want to move to a higher level of care even though he has health and dementia concerns that are escalating.
All of those are very good points, but you also have to be prepared for them not to necessarily work. My grandmother was very active even after retirement and never smoked a single cigarette or drank alcohol in her life, had a large vegetable garden she tended to and made all of her meals from scratch. That didn't prevent her from getting very severe vascular dementia. Since this has a genetic component, even if I'm still young I worry what will happen to me since I don't have children (and I don't plan on having any) who can care for me in my old age.
Yeah, most types of dementia can't be helped and it's very unfortunate. But dementia also isnt a natural part of the aging process. And if you say it might not work, many people won't even bother trying. I wanted people in there 30s 40s 50s to be able to show this video to their parents and it have them be able to debate it as little as possible 😁😁
In my area at least there are a lot of free local concerts put on by community bands and even if you aren't the biggest social butterfly (like myself) they can be a really easy and pleasant way to get out and at least engage with others as an audience member. I'm still pretty young but I can't count the number of times seeing a community band or theater performance has helped me raise my head in the throes of a depressive funk. Plus a lot of the band members are senior citizens as well so everyone wins in the "taking steps to avoid the nursing home" game.
I love it when young people think they have it all figured out but have not experienced this part of life yet! They have NO experience being old! Quit scolding old people!
She’s not scolding, she’s educating. It sounds like she told some truths that hit close to home for you. Maybe pause and realize you need to make some changes. Stubbornness doesn’t serve you well.
@@missmayflower I have been a nurse for 28 years and, no, she does not exactly know what she is talking about! Yes, taking care of yourself is important as is keeping mobile! However , over the years I have seen people very active and healthy fall to some horrible disease! My mother was a health nut and ate well and exercised everyday and got lymphoma and alzheimer’s disease! Maybe the children of old people should go to their parent’s house and help them clean and downsize their house!
@@robertbarnier45 Actually you may well already know it as it's pretty easily available for the intelligent and with it older person. The point is that this feels like being lectured to by someone who just isn't old enough to know the other side of the story. I come from a long lived family, most of whom got well into their 80s, several into their 90s, a couple over 100. A couple of great aunts managed to live alone until weeks before they died aged 95 and 99. One was a complete extrovert, the other an introvert who avoided people as much as possible. Both just got on with the lives they'd been leading for the rest of their time on earth. You can not allow for all the things that can happen. Someone once said that life is what happens while you're making other plans, and it's as true at 70, 80, 90 as when you are 30 or 40.
I have wonderful children. They have assured me I will be well cared for. And for that reason. I would never expect them to wipe my arse. In fact, No one will ever wipe my arse but me. I believe in the right to die before I become a burden. If they want to help me, then I will ask them to fly me to a country that will let me die at my chosen time. What quality of life is there when you sit in a wheelchair or lie in a bed collecting sores?
My mother went into a nursing home at age 95, after the hospital said she couldn't go home any more. The private nursing home was beautiful, the staff were lovely and my mother was in a good place for her last 3 years. I go to ballet, yoga etc as I don't want to end up on a walking frame. My advice is to get your financial affairs in order as greedy unscrupulous siblings will try to get in the elder person's ear when they're past making decisions.
My mom is the same way, but she's had loved ones in nursing homes and has struggled with daily operations and administration and all that fun stuff - I think it's as much for me as it is for her. Fortunately, she's doing a lot of what you're suggesting (except for the cigarettes, but she has "cut way back").
When we think about our own death, we do begin to think about how people will go on after we go. That behaviour you called childish is a natural reaction of detachment to wanting to make it easier on others when we do die. We can see this type of behaviour come out slightly if we are going on a lengthy trip away or moving location. We begin to reduce interactions with others starting from the people further outside our circle of influence so it makes it easier for not only us to move away but for them to be at ease in you going. I know that might seem absurd in this day and age with how many tools we can use to keep in touch with each other but the reaction or instinct to feel like pushing people away or isolating ourselves is natural and can be intense when it's our final travel arrangements to the great unknown. It's something that can happen with terminally ill people. Sometimes people display this reaction with humour or they appear to become grumpy or even down right A-holes and "Lash out" This can happen when the "kids" are displaying way too much attachment that the person begins to fear that their death is causing too much pain and suffering on them, no one really wants to go out leaving a horrid mess behind so they'll be that A-Hole in a weird bid to set people free in a form of misfiring altruism. If we can understand this we can utilise all your advice to check ourselves if it's our twilight time or if we are the kids and this phenomenon slaps us in the face from our loved ones.
1. Avoid frailty, Eat real food, eat animal protein, to help maintain muscle mass. Exercise include resistance training and HIIT as well as aerobic. 2. Support cognition. Eat animal fat your Bain is mostly fat. Intermittent fasting. Induce ketosis, your brain loves ketones. Remain socially active, help others. 3. Avoid type 2 diabetes, minimise sugar and carbs. Not only is diabetes not inevitable, it can be controlled and reversed with diet. 4. Avoid injury. Use a hand rail on stairs, balance training. 5. Support your immunity. Zinc and selenium. Avoid statins after 70, LDL supports immunity in elderly people. 6. Get a power of attorney, while you still can, it’s now a major endeavour. 7. Children who can fight your corner. Believing that any third party is interested in your needs and wants to protect you is delusional. This is all easier than it looks, with the exception children, who need to be planned rather early for best results!
Being rich is also a good idea as it allows you to do all the activity/travelling stuff and avoid sitting at home by yourself. Above all, afford a car as public transport in the UK outside cities is dreadful, so you can forget fancy ideas about going to most things, especially evening events, regular classes or shows, unless you have a tolerant neighbour or friend who will happily take you. (Hint, you know you've overdone it when they dive behind the hedge when they see you coming.) It probably helps too if you haven't spent large chunks of your life looking after YOUR parents and other elderly or incapacitednfamily members, and have been able to work most of your life. And of course actually having children to 'look after' you is fine, so long as a) you get on, which is not a given and b) they live reasonably near. A friend of mine had 3 children, reasoning that there would be someone to look after her and her husband in old age. Only one still lives at home, and tht's because he has his own problems. The other 2 have got about as far away as they can. So in their late 60s they are still 'caring'. And try not to get ill. You can't avoid all the available diseases jst by being 'sensible', which may be why quite a lot of older people think 'What the Hell' when it comes to dietary restriction. I remember 2 seemingly very healthy active friends who died of early onset dementia before their 60th birthdays, one who died before 70 of MND, not to mention several incaoacitated by serious arthritis. Oh- and our old friend cancer, which has mysteriously struck down the husband of a friend- lung cancer, never smoked, lived a healthy out door life, now late 60s, in his last weeks of life. Before say 50 I'd probably have been nodding along with this video- now I realise that it isn't that easy and never predict the things that are lying in wait for you.
9:53 could you possibly consider a teeny tinnyyyy edit? Being honest with one’s self isn’t always about self centred or useless family. Sometimes it’s just not viable and there are some circumstances that generations prior to mine (I’m a 1990’s babbbbyyy 😂) understand and empathise less with than others. I love my family, I am grateful and I love my parents they’re my best friends. However my dad prior to 2020, didn’t have a good understanding of mental health. I have ADHD and autism, but wasn’t diagnosed until my 30’s. I was originally dx with Borderline and my dad did not understand. He didn’t understand the first two either but more so than BPD. While heavily self-ending he was organising a holiday i was not included on, I asked him how he was about to leave a heavily unstable daughter for a holiday and he asked me at what point he got to live his life - I don’t know dad, when you decided to adopt did they give you the receipt so you could give me back if you didn’t like what you ended up with. I’m doing the best I can here. When I became physically unwell with ehlers danalos syndrome he understood that easier as my mum is chronically ill. But I always understood; it wasn’t a question it wasn’t a fear simply an understanding lol that I would work, save up to buy a block of four flats and have everyone live in it so I could care for them all before and after work. I was young when I first thought that was what would happen and it never occurred to me it wouldn’t. I spent the five years I was healthy caring for other peoples families and when my own needed me I wasn’t well enough. So it isn’t always selfishness or uselessness that means someone can’t be relied on
Yeh, I was planning at add that idea as well, coz we have a similar issue in my family... but we had some technical issues while editing and lost a lot it...
@@TabooEducation oh no! I hope it resolved so you don’t loose more of your hard work, I know a lot goes into these! I meant to also add thank you for the work you do and sharing content like this. But I’ve not long woken up in the U.K. haha! I was adopted and always felt a great fear of abandonment with death being the greatest abandonment possible - make it make sense it’s not like one chooses to do it right? My family, you know well meaning, they didn’t have YT and internet if you wanted to know something you asked someone who knew or read a book and often neither were particularly accessible to working class, high school educated east end of London kids. I think they recognised they needed to do ^something^to help me be okay with one of life’s inevitable things, but the what wasn’t clear lol so they would talk about their funeral and what they wanted in a weird more-joke-come-serious-morbid tone that my neurodivergent brain couldn’t understand at all. At the same time, while family members outside of our “core” close group passed, I was never exposed to that and always had to stay behind. The first funeral I attended was my uncles. I call him half of my anchor and I’m crying writing this even though it’s been nearly ten years. My mother is the other half of my anchor. They ground and calm me, idk how else to explain they keep my anchored lol I could not keep my insides in. Everything spilled out all the time I didn’t know what to do, everyone else seemed to keep their insides in, why couldn’t I. Why was I like this. At the service, I had uncontrollable ugly sobs and hyperventilating all the way through it was mortifying I wanted to hop on to the cremation thingy with the coffin ha! By the time the wake came I was so drained, when I went to order my drink at the bar (my aunt had put money behind it) I said I was “with the wedding party”. I don’t know what was more traumatising the death or the experience of death care, if that makes sense. We are all imperfect people, making difficult decisions with incomplete information. I’ve never blamed my family for how they handled things, only look to understand it so I can understand myself but boy has working through my difficulties with death been hard. Your channel and ask a morticians have been so beneficial in this. No one wants to answer my questions in the times I actually had access to funeral and death care workers (when a loved one has died which is understandable). I didn’t know this was a genre on TH-cam until a bout of insomnia lol So all of that is to say thank you so eternally for what you’re doing here! 💕💕
This is a fair statement. I work in aged care, and the reality is that the children of many of my residents are not particularly young themselves. Often residents have very high care needs and their children are in their 50s, 60s and 70s themselves and the physical requirements of caring for another are a big ask. Sometimes if there are younger children, those children have other responsibilities: I have parents in their late 70s and I am only in my early 40s. However I have two young children and a job. I cannot afford to give up work to care for my parents full time and I also cannot afford a bigger hometown the two bedroom home I have to comfortably accommodate two extra adults. I do know families that have been irrevocably destroyed by elderly parents demanding that their children leave their marital homes (and young children) to live with them and care for them full time. I understand the desire to not leave the home they lived in their whole life, but not at the expense of ruining their children's marriage or breaking up family homes. I wish there were more options for aging-in-place and for setting up better supports for informal carers, but thry don't exist.
@thesensationaladventuresof1150 I'm so glad you have found the channel helpful! Please know, if you ever have a question, even if it's not directly related to the video, you can always add it to the comments and I will do my best to reply. ❤️
This video should be mandatory viewing for when people go to collect their free bus pass in the UK. Sadly too late for my family. A common thing I think people forget is we are having babies later as well so when you are in your 80s your children might have toddlers still it's not conducive to providing you with informal care.
Do u have any idea how much these services cost! Most people retired do not have this much money to pay for all these services! As a nurse for years i can assure you people don’t just put people their parents in a nursing home because they were bad parents! NO ONE CAN AFFORD NURSING HOMES NOW OR HOME HEALTH CARE! MEDICAID NURSING HOMES ARE HORRIBLE!
Stop eating sugar , high carb food, eat like a caveman!I reversed my own mental decline that way. I live on an island with an active volcano, I know where all the fissures are, there will be no senior care home for me, thank you!
In the States its just the money. assisted living if you have the money. bad smelling nursing home if not, and you would be lucky to find a space. Interesting wig
But, seriously, there are lots of people our age who ARE stubborn, unreasonable old fools and they do need to be called out for behaviour that is hurting themselves and their families. No need to take it all as a personal insult, because it isn’t. You have to admit that she makes very good points about how a person can improve their future prospects. Just take what’s useful from it and forget the rest. A video a stranger makes isn’t going to ALL be relevant.
@@TabooEducation Yes! But also aknowledging that. There are so many nephews and friends taking care of the elders. Even if it's just the ones that are at the emergency contact part of a medical form.
That's so true. I don't have kids. And I certainly will not burden my sister's children. So I have to make the plan myself. Currently, I 'm thinking about renewing my passport so that I can go to a country that permits assisted dying if that course of action is what I choose.
@@renzo6490 , yes, and I live in one of them. But it can be put into motion only for individuals who have just six months to live. So a victim of ALS, for example, might have to exist--against his or her will/choice-- with devastating, debilitating effects of the illness for several years. In such a case, the ALS victim who wants to end his/her life sooner, through euthanasia, would have to go abroad. That's my understanding.
![fellow fellow - พรุ่งนี้ไม่มีใครรู้ feat. INK WARUNTORN [OFFICIAL MV]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/QP6JyjYx_W0/mqdefault.jpg)
"Use it or lose it". I'm retired; but, I'm still working. That's what keeps me going. I'll be 76 years old this summer. I'm still doing my own work.
An important part of making your home safe is not hoarding. This is a huge problem these days.
Thing is, staying healthy only delays the inevitable. Whether we get cancer in our 30’s, a heart attack in our 50’s, a stroke in our 70’s, or dementia in our 90’s, it is very likely we will have a significant period of disability, often of a progressive variety, before we die. We need to know what resources are available before we find ourselves in such a situation; which, again, most people will at the end of life, whenever that comes for us.
Keep out of aged care facilities,once called nursing homes. Residents don't get respected, and very rarely will your dietary requirements will be considered. Create your own care plan away from aged care. Very pleased with the advice on the video. Never let bad lifestyle illnesses take over your life.
I am a youthful 67 year old that has seen what happens to people around me when they don't take care of themselves. Because I have no children and no spouse, I learned early on it is up to me to make sure I stay out of the nursing home. My siblings, who all live some distance away, do not want to discuss the topic, which is probably a good thing because I don't have to worry about how they will take care of me. They won't. I mean when your own brother says "Well, when you die, it'll probably be several days before anyone finds your body" that tells you something right there. It says no further discussion is necessary. Whatever plans I make are mine alone to make, and it will be up to whoever I have designated to decide what, if anything, to tell them should I become incapacitated or worse. (I have basically said, "use your own discretion; if they don't sound concerned or interested, then don't volunteer any information, just end the call.") It's sad, but that's the way it is. Meanwhile I try to stay active and take care of myself.
I think all houses should be accessible. Seriously, even if you die young, you might break your leg, have surgery and be nonweightbearing for weeks.
Absolutely
Yes! It just makes sense. Even if it’s from the perspective of resale - it makes your home accessible to a larger population of potential buyers.
Mum and I talked this out 20 years ago (she's now 72), and I've talked it out with my own kids (I'm 50). You never know what's coming. Do your family a favour, be prepared.
Wow, 52 seems a bit premature. I’m surprised she was willing to have that conversation. At 50, I was just starting to travel the world. At 69, my husband and I are just now talking about these things as they are very relevant.
20 years ago, when Mom & Dad were 70, I asked them to move to my state so I could take care of them when they got old. Year after year they dismissed the idea, and stubbornly refused to give up the home they had loved for so long. Now they are 90.... Mom calls me 5 times a week crying about how hard it is. They have the money to afford a good nursing home, but she wants me to leave my job, home, and husband to come and be their care taker. When I said I couldn't do that, she stopped taking my calls. My heart is breaking, and I am furious at them for putting us all in the terrible situation. Please people - make a plan that doesn't involve jeopardizing your children's finances and marriage.
I hear you
That’s a very selfish approach isn’t it - to assume your kids will be able to care for you and would want to and then react poorly when they can’t/don’t want to. My mother is the same, but she started when she was in her 50s. Wanted me to pay for her to move countries and support a mortgage for a separate home when I offered to have her live in our home with us - and this is before we bought our first home. When I told her that I can’t afford two mortgages, she told me that I don’t care about her and told my brother that I’m a bad child and she’s going to cut me from her will. It probably surprises no one that we are now estranged because I’ve come to realise that I can never please her and she will always expect me to sacrifice my own needs and those of my chosen family in order to serve her wishes.
So I very much empathise with you.
Oh I hear you. My mum did the same. Tried to split me from my husband so she could stay in her house. Apparently she was told she had dementia but didn't tell anyone. I saw the signs as I was going through it with inlaws but she signed guardianship to my siblings and they wanted to follow her wishes. By law all perfectly fine and understandable... but so selfish. They tried two weeks on and off, long distance relationships with partners, health issues of their own. My baby sister learned a lot about our childhood abuse best left in the past. My mum is now in care and we can't fix the damage she's done.
I have made my plans and explained to my family I would like to be "out" as long as everyone is happy and is living their life but as soon as I restrict their life I will be perfectly content to be looked after by others. Take what you will from this video. We all age differently... myself I very possibly will have severe pain and will not be physically mobile nor mentally agile in my twilight years but I know I have support. And hopefully I will retain a happy, positive personality to help my support network make their decisions easier.
Fantastic video. I work in community aged care and my main driving force is keeping people at home to age in place.
A lot of this information i wish my clients had heard 10-20 years ago!
I’m only 49 but, as an introvert, I feel personally attacked. lol
🤣 oddly enough, so did I!! Damn health interfering with our hibernation!
Love it! I’m a 52yr young introvert and I felt attacked too!!
Don't let it get to you. Had great aunt, lived to 99, alone in her own home 'til last couple of weeks. I was the only family member she'd let in- she was very intelligent, great fun and I learnt very early in our relationship that I had to give her space and respect the fact that she knew what suited her and gave her her best life.
My mother had to go into care. She had Alzheimer’s and after a fall, she broke several ribs and part of her upper back. I was her carer and I’m disabled, it became dangerous for her to be here as I just couldn’t cope anymore. I have so much guilt about it. Now I’m 60 and my disabilities are worse, but I’m on the NDIS now and have support. I’m also studying counselling, to help others. I think the one thing that would help people more than anything is effective pain relief. I have osteoarthritis and neuropathy, the pain relief I have is exhausting, it makes me want to sleep. And it doesn’t ease the pain that much. If people had a solution to their serious, chronic pain, everything would change. Great video!
When I work at nursing homes and some are going home I tell them " it was a pleasure caring and meeting you. But I mean this with love and respect stay out if you can." Encouragement and kindness goes a long way, keep in mind I tell those that are alert, healthier than others. This video is fantastic I told my mom I'm caring for her at home when her independence is limited. Not saying nursing homes are horrible but I personally do not want to live past 50
Remember don’t put someone in a nursing home because you want them to be safe. That’s a you issue. Yes they might get hurt or have an accident but you to could have an accident tomorrow too.
How dare she, she could need care before her mother.
@@suewilson6034who? Your comment seems to be misplaced.
If your parent was found wandering lost on the freeway, or in the woods, or on the floor having fallen three days earlier, that’s a bit different from all the times I whack my head on things because I forget something is above my head.
You can fall and die in a nursing home too.
I am so screwed. I have no kids, and my immediate family (brother, and a bunch of nieces and nephews) cannot be relied upon to pick up the mail, much less take care of me. I say this with the knowledge that I have to take care of _my_ mother with no help from any of them.
I know the feeling...
But if you have any money you KNOW that they will have their hands out when the will is read. If they think you are as poor as a church mouse, let them go on thinking that way. Leave your money elsewhere . . .
close friends, younger friends, friendly acquaintences at church, social club or art group often step up to help elders w/o a child or spouse to help. So make friends and keep socially active.
@@theresemalmberg955 Money? What money?
@@marianlinden9736 I have friends with kids I'm relatively close to. Fingers crossed.
Outstanding ideas and a good reminder to get prepared. A grateful 60 something year old in Florida.
Thanks for reminding me that I need to buy non slip mats for the bath and shower! Thanks Sam, you’re a gem 👍
Good video, there is so much fear around this topic. I'm 72. In my experience, many seniors have a complete mental block about nursing homes, they have heard all sorts of horror stories, and just refuse to think about this option. Not to mention the many younger people who can't imagine themselves being frail, old and living with chronic illness, without shuddering. (The exceptions to this are the wonderful people, young and old, in the health professions who work with the frail elderly, and see them as normal everyday people whose lives have value and significance. )
I had to help my ailing parents a lot in their later years, then my mother spent her final 6 years in aged care due to dementia. I visited her 3 times a week in the nursing home, spoke on every visit with staff and residents, got to know them too, advocated for my mum -- and others -- and in the process learned a lot about nursing homes. I could write a book about it ... but the bottom line is that if you make it into your eighties, it becomes increasingly likely that, unless you are very rich indeed, or have at least 2 children as your carers, your final home will be in aged care. Even more, so if you reach your nineties. Hoping to "die suddenly in my own home" is no more than a wish; and a wish isn't a plan.
Sadly, the current situation with people entering aged care is that most people go in against their will. They go in because they are forced to by events. I have only known 2 people who entered a nursing home by conscious positive choice, a couple who planned it well in advance. This is ideal -- because you get to shop around for the establishment you want, the room(s) you want, at the price you want, in the locality you want - just like shopping to buy a house. You have many months to mentally prepare to move. BUT if you are forced by events, you will end up in whatever nursing home has a vacant room at that time. It may be a sunless room, in a residence with a shortage of facilities, in a location where your loved ones can't easily visit; but you won't have a choice. And you will be deeply stressed by being forced to move, losing 90% of your possessions, losing contact with your existing social network and health professionals, and all this with virtually no warning or preparation.
Why is this the usual way people enter nursing homes? The event most likely to send you into a nursing home is being sent to hospital, and the event most likely to put you in hospital, (especially if you are a woman) is a fall. If you end up in hospital after a fall, just being in bed itself will reduce your strength. If you don't recover to a certain baseline of physical or mental competency, the social worker may deem that it is not safe for you to return to your home. You will not be allowed to leave the hospital until a safe place for you to live has been arranged -- this usually means in aged care. From this point on, the patient may never spend another day in their home again.
This is why in my view, more than anything else, FALLS prevention is the most important thing you can do for yourself, to avoid the trauma of abrupt removal to a nursing home at a time when you are in a weakened convalescent state, and not mentally or emotionally prepared. So if you have unsteadiness and balance problems, get treatment; and if you are not improving, start inspecting nursing homes. At least in the process of finding a safer place to live, you will be in charge. Some nursing homes are DEFINITELY better than others, they are worth hunting down to get onto their waiting list.
>Just had to mention, re quitting smoking and abusing alcohol to "stay out of a nursing home". Stopping doing these things will extend a person's lifespan -- which makes it more likely, not less likely, that they may need nursing-home-level care as the years progress. And as nursing homes ( and hospitals) don't permit smoking or alcohol abuse, I think most smokers/alcoholics would prefer to keep on drinking or smoking right up until the day they have to enter a nursing home (or hospital) -- when they know they will be forced to stop.
I live with my daughter and she has no compassion for me.I also live in a bad neighborhood where if i walk around they will rob me.
I would hate to go into a nursing home. I have been a private person all my life and I am not a good mixer. I prefer my own company as so-called friends tend to let you down. I am 77 years old and in poor health but I would rather be dead than have to be imprisoned in a nursing home full of people I do not know or wish to know.
Change your diet. Carnivore will help
@@robertbarnier45 Not necessarily- it depends what is causing the 'poor health'. I'm an enthusiastic carnivore myself, but it's not the answer to every health problem.
My mums only 61 and just had a terminal diagnosis of pancreatic cancer & blood clots in her right foot/leg. Im trying my best at her home as she dosnt want to go bk into hospital or paliative care.
also we hadnt talked for nearly 10 years... once i herd i put the past behind us, at the end of the day our parents are usually the ones who help us get this far in life they walked the halls with us while we were babies, they deserve the same humanity
My sincere condolences. If she is willing and it's available in you area, you could look into home palliative and/or hospice care. It might not be nessassary right now, but good to have in the back of your mind
Why is she resisting palliative/hospice care? I worked in assisted living facilities, and more recently had a couple prolonged family tragedies, and my experiences with hospice have been nothing but wonderful. They focus on comfort and quality of life when medicine can’t provide a cure. ❤
Mum passed yesterday 😪
@sarahwatts84 *big hugs* my sincere condolences. You've been through a lot, I know. Please look after yourself and reach out to others when you need it. *more hugs*
Great video!! Very helpful, practical and also funny 😆. This will be useful. Thank you!!
Quitting smoking and drinking is beneficial to ones health, but with a 50 or so plus person, its going to be more difficult. You hear, "but I'm too old and set in my ways to quit now," "thats the only fun I have left," and the most unusual one I've heard, "My cigarettes are my only friends." I'm 62 and my wife is soon turning 60, so we think about these issues in your video. We have an extra room downstairs which could become our bedroom, a bathroom downstairs, talked about making said bathroom more senior friendly, and there is a meals on wheels in our community if we need that.
Particularly brilliant video! Good work, Sam! I've been thinking about a nursing home these days, and after watching this, I'd rather put the effort into stay out! Scary either way!!
GREAT advice!! One REALLY good point to cover (maybe in another video?) be sure, 100% sure, YOU select an EPOA and EG who YOU TRUST, especially due to lack of capacity with dementia. My sister prematurely DUMPED my dad into a nursing home and believes she has now fulfilled her 'obligation'. She sold his first home to move him 3 hours away from any "familiarity".. Bought another home, the poor old bugger only got to live just over 1 year in, to be put into a hospital after a dementia episode (it SHOULD be expected) AGAINST HIS WILL. He knew it was not his home, he objected to it!!! Little did he know he would NEVER return to this "new" house. He is now in his second nursing home. She sold this new house 12 months later.. Herself and her estranged daughters lived only 15 minutes away and NEVER visited him for his first birthday in a facility. He should and could have remained in his home for the rest of his life, being cared for. Finally, he had his mobile phone removed from him AFTER he could still answer his calls and ALL of his musical instruments he no longer has been given ANY access to. Basically, he is institutionalised.. If a jury heard and saw the evidence I have on her financially, socially abusing him. They would put her and her VERY young boyfriend in jail!!!! Stay friends with your friends, remain in "community" so others can site and monitor you and your "so called" carers/family members. Reach out to people you can TRUST, but stay vigilant and protect yourself. Elder abuse is RIFE here and globally.. if anything be sure to have 2 POA and EG, so they both are held accountable in fulfilling their roles with YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART ALWAYS... He is now left with one lousy couch out of all of his belongings and nothing but pictures in frames of people and life he once knew. He was robbed of EVERYTHING. Freedom GONE!!! Be careful.. rethink also while you have the chance to change your POA and EG, if you have any gut feelings the person you appointed, CHANGE IT. YOU have the right to, without ANY explanation. Protect yourself while you still can.
Fabulous content video! It’s all covered so let’s pay attention.
my grandad turned 80 last year, and he's going blind due to a brain tumour putting pressure on his optic nerve. He had surgery to remove it recently, but is running into complications because it effected his pituitary gland so his hormones are out of wack now. He's also bipolar and had an episode about a year ago when he came of his meds and tried to run away and ended up in a psychiatric ward. I worry about what's going to happen, because he's lost so much of his independence now after loosing the ability to drive. My grandma, (who turns 80 this year too, her only major health issue is high blood pressure though), and him are in a pretty toxic codependent relationship, they should have broken up decades ago, so my grandma has absolutely no bother to care for him, but also if he got admitted to a nursing home she'd be all alone and that wouldn't be good either because she'd just waste away mentally even more than she already does. She's a very depressive woman and does hardly any of the things you should do as you age to stay sharp, doesn't even read anymore even though she could, just walks the dog (and the dog has a disease and can hardly walk now, so this was the only exercise she or my grandad got and it has reduced), watches tv, cooks food, repeat. They are both so deeply miserable and stuck in their mindset and situation. Being with my partner now, I just can't even imagine how I'd feel if we'd been together for that long, and I was going blind and had a brain tumour, and she didn't even care to visit me in hospital- it would break my heart. Sorry for having a bit of a rant, but it's so frustrating watching people who won't help themselves!
Love her videos. Don't understand why she doesn't get more likes.
This is solid advice for everyone at any age!!!
I'm 39 and believe doing these things as early as possible. Personally, I wouldn't mind going to a care home. My father always says he's going to go for a walk in the woods and fight a bear.
Hmmm. Sounds like an excellent care home !
Mum (mid 70s) has always said she does not want her kids to care for her, and will be part of the planning. She is already in an 'over 55s lifestyle village', but my step dad who is 11 years older and does not want to move to a higher level of care even though he has health and dementia concerns that are escalating.
All good tips. Luck is the most important in my experience. Aussie Bob. 😊
All of those are very good points, but you also have to be prepared for them not to necessarily work. My grandmother was very active even after retirement and never smoked a single cigarette or drank alcohol in her life, had a large vegetable garden she tended to and made all of her meals from scratch. That didn't prevent her from getting very severe vascular dementia. Since this has a genetic component, even if I'm still young I worry what will happen to me since I don't have children (and I don't plan on having any) who can care for me in my old age.
Yeah, most types of dementia can't be helped and it's very unfortunate. But dementia also isnt a natural part of the aging process.
And if you say it might not work, many people won't even bother trying. I wanted people in there 30s 40s 50s to be able to show this video to their parents and it have them be able to debate it as little as possible 😁😁
That’s why this education is important, so we can think about these things ahead of time and put plans into place.
In my area at least there are a lot of free local concerts put on by community bands and even if you aren't the biggest social butterfly (like myself) they can be a really easy and pleasant way to get out and at least engage with others as an audience member. I'm still pretty young but I can't count the number of times seeing a community band or theater performance has helped me raise my head in the throes of a depressive funk. Plus a lot of the band members are senior citizens as well so everyone wins in the "taking steps to avoid the nursing home" game.
I love it when young people think they have it all figured out but have not experienced this part of life yet! They have NO experience being old! Quit scolding old people!
Absolutely! I’m 69 and am very put off by this video.
She’s not scolding, she’s educating. It sounds like she told some truths that hit close to home for you. Maybe pause and realize you need to make some changes. Stubbornness doesn’t serve you well.
@@missmayflower I have been a nurse for 28 years and, no, she does not exactly know what she is talking about! Yes, taking care of yourself is important as is keeping mobile! However , over the years I have seen people very active and healthy fall to some horrible disease! My mother was a health nut and ate well and exercised everyday and got lymphoma and alzheimer’s disease! Maybe the children of old people should go to their parent’s house and help them clean and downsize their house!
Get real. You’ll need some of this information
@@robertbarnier45 Actually you may well already know it as it's pretty easily available for the intelligent and with it older person. The point is that this feels like being lectured to by someone who just isn't old enough to know the other side of the story. I come from a long lived family, most of whom got well into their 80s, several into their 90s, a couple over 100. A couple of great aunts managed to live alone until weeks before they died aged 95 and 99. One was a complete extrovert, the other an introvert who avoided people as much as possible. Both just got on with the lives they'd been leading for the rest of their time on earth. You can not allow for all the things that can happen. Someone once said that life is what happens while you're making other plans, and it's as true at 70, 80, 90 as when you are 30 or 40.
Great style, something different. You look great in a historic outfit.
Oldies. Get an Apple Watch. If you live alone & have a fall the watch will save you. Truth. Aussie Bob
I have wonderful children. They have assured me I will be well cared for. And for that reason. I would never expect them to wipe my arse. In fact, No one will ever wipe my arse but me. I believe in the right to die before I become a burden. If they want to help me, then I will ask them to fly me to a country that will let me die at my chosen time. What quality of life is there when you sit in a wheelchair or lie in a bed collecting sores?
Get a bidet installed on your toilet and wiping your arse is a non issue. 😊
@@janetbransdon3742Good idea! I’m going to look into that.
Yes!
Hi Nikki!
My mother went into a nursing home at age 95, after the hospital said she couldn't go home any more. The private nursing home was beautiful, the staff were lovely and my mother was in a good place for her last 3 years.
I go to ballet, yoga etc as I don't want to end up on a walking frame. My advice is to get your financial affairs in order as greedy unscrupulous siblings will try to get in the elder person's ear when they're past making decisions.
Excellent advice 💜👍
My mom is the same way, but she's had loved ones in nursing homes and has struggled with daily operations and administration and all that fun stuff - I think it's as much for me as it is for her.
Fortunately, she's doing a lot of what you're suggesting (except for the cigarettes, but she has "cut way back").
When we think about our own death, we do begin to think about how people will go on after we go. That behaviour you called childish is a natural reaction of detachment to wanting to make it easier on others when we do die. We can see this type of behaviour come out slightly if we are going on a lengthy trip away or moving location. We begin to reduce interactions with others starting from the people further outside our circle of influence so it makes it easier for not only us to move away but for them to be at ease in you going. I know that might seem absurd in this day and age with how many tools we can use to keep in touch with each other but the reaction or instinct to feel like pushing people away or isolating ourselves is natural and can be intense when it's our final travel arrangements to the great unknown. It's something that can happen with terminally ill people. Sometimes people display this reaction with humour or they appear to become grumpy or even down right A-holes and "Lash out" This can happen when the "kids" are displaying way too much attachment that the person begins to fear that their death is causing too much pain and suffering on them, no one really wants to go out leaving a horrid mess behind so they'll be that A-Hole in a weird bid to set people free in a form of misfiring altruism. If we can understand this we can utilise all your advice to check ourselves if it's our twilight time or if we are the kids and this phenomenon slaps us in the face from our loved ones.
Interesting insights.
1. Avoid frailty, Eat real food, eat animal protein, to help maintain muscle mass. Exercise include resistance training and HIIT as well as aerobic.
2. Support cognition. Eat animal fat your Bain is mostly fat. Intermittent fasting. Induce ketosis, your brain loves ketones. Remain socially active, help others.
3. Avoid type 2 diabetes, minimise sugar and carbs. Not only is diabetes not inevitable, it can be controlled and reversed with diet.
4. Avoid injury. Use a hand rail on stairs, balance training.
5. Support your immunity. Zinc and selenium. Avoid statins after 70, LDL supports immunity in elderly people.
6. Get a power of attorney, while you still can, it’s now a major endeavour.
7. Children who can fight your corner. Believing that any third party is interested in your needs and wants to protect you is delusional.
This is all easier than it looks, with the exception children, who need to be planned rather early for best results!
Being rich is also a good idea as it allows you to do all the activity/travelling stuff and avoid sitting at home by yourself. Above all, afford a car as public transport in the UK outside cities is dreadful, so you can forget fancy ideas about going to most things, especially evening events, regular classes or shows, unless you have a tolerant neighbour or friend who will happily take you. (Hint, you know you've overdone it when they dive behind the hedge when they see you coming.) It probably helps too if you haven't spent large chunks of your life looking after YOUR parents and other elderly or incapacitednfamily members, and have been able to work most of your life. And of course actually having children to 'look after' you is fine, so long as a) you get on, which is not a given and b) they live reasonably near. A friend of mine had 3 children, reasoning that there would be someone to look after her and her husband in old age. Only one still lives at home, and tht's because he has his own problems. The other 2 have got about as far away as they can. So in their late 60s they are still 'caring'. And try not to get ill. You can't avoid all the available diseases jst by being 'sensible', which may be why quite a lot of older people think 'What the Hell' when it comes to dietary restriction. I remember 2 seemingly very healthy active friends who died of early onset dementia before their 60th birthdays, one who died before 70 of MND, not to mention several incaoacitated by serious arthritis. Oh- and our old friend cancer, which has mysteriously struck down the husband of a friend- lung cancer, never smoked, lived a healthy out door life, now late 60s, in his last weeks of life. Before say 50 I'd probably have been nodding along with this video- now I realise that it isn't that easy and never predict the things that are lying in wait for you.
Great video!
Thank you!
9:53 could you possibly consider a teeny tinnyyyy edit? Being honest with one’s self isn’t always about self centred or useless family.
Sometimes it’s just not viable and there are some circumstances that generations prior to mine (I’m a 1990’s babbbbyyy 😂) understand and empathise less with than others.
I love my family, I am grateful and I love my parents they’re my best friends. However my dad prior to 2020, didn’t have a good understanding of mental health.
I have ADHD and autism, but wasn’t diagnosed until my 30’s. I was originally dx with Borderline and my dad did not understand. He didn’t understand the first two either but more so than BPD.
While heavily self-ending he was organising a holiday i was not included on, I asked him how he was about to leave a heavily unstable daughter for a holiday and he asked me at what point he got to live his life - I don’t know dad, when you decided to adopt did they give you the receipt so you could give me back if you didn’t like what you ended up with. I’m doing the best I can here.
When I became physically unwell with ehlers danalos syndrome he understood that easier as my mum is chronically ill.
But I always understood; it wasn’t a question it wasn’t a fear simply an understanding lol that I would work, save up to buy a block of four flats and have everyone live in it so I could care for them all before and after work. I was young when I first thought that was what would happen and it never occurred to me it wouldn’t.
I spent the five years I was healthy caring for other peoples families and when my own needed me I wasn’t well enough.
So it isn’t always selfishness or uselessness that means someone can’t be relied on
Yeh, I was planning at add that idea as well, coz we have a similar issue in my family... but we had some technical issues while editing and lost a lot it...
@@TabooEducation oh no! I hope it resolved so you don’t loose more of your hard work, I know a lot goes into these!
I meant to also add thank you for the work you do and sharing content like this. But I’ve not long woken up in the U.K. haha!
I was adopted and always felt a great fear of abandonment with death being the greatest abandonment possible - make it make sense it’s not like one chooses to do it right? My family, you know well meaning, they didn’t have YT and internet if you wanted to know something you asked someone who knew or read a book and often neither were particularly accessible to working class, high school educated east end of London kids.
I think they recognised they needed to do ^something^to help me be okay with one of life’s inevitable things, but the what wasn’t clear lol so they would talk about their funeral and what they wanted in a weird more-joke-come-serious-morbid tone that my neurodivergent brain couldn’t understand at all.
At the same time, while family members outside of our “core” close group passed, I was never exposed to that and always had to stay behind.
The first funeral I attended was my uncles. I call him half of my anchor and I’m crying writing this even though it’s been nearly ten years. My mother is the other half of my anchor. They ground and calm me, idk how else to explain they keep my anchored lol
I could not keep my insides in. Everything spilled out all the time I didn’t know what to do, everyone else seemed to keep their insides in, why couldn’t I. Why was I like this.
At the service, I had uncontrollable ugly sobs and hyperventilating all the way through it was mortifying I wanted to hop on to the cremation thingy with the coffin ha! By the time the wake came I was so drained, when I went to order my drink at the bar (my aunt had put money behind it) I said I was “with the wedding party”.
I don’t know what was more traumatising the death or the experience of death care, if that makes sense.
We are all imperfect people, making difficult decisions with incomplete information. I’ve never blamed my family for how they handled things, only look to understand it so I can understand myself but boy has working through my difficulties with death been hard.
Your channel and ask a morticians have been so beneficial in this. No one wants to answer my questions in the times I actually had access to funeral and death care workers (when a loved one has died which is understandable). I didn’t know this was a genre on TH-cam until a bout of insomnia lol
So all of that is to say thank you so eternally for what you’re doing here! 💕💕
This is a fair statement.
I work in aged care, and the reality is that the children of many of my residents are not particularly young themselves.
Often residents have very high care needs and their children are in their 50s, 60s and 70s themselves and the physical requirements of caring for another are a big ask. Sometimes if there are younger children, those children have other responsibilities: I have parents in their late 70s and I am only in my early 40s. However I have two young children and a job. I cannot afford to give up work to care for my parents full time and I also cannot afford a bigger hometown the two bedroom home I have to comfortably accommodate two extra adults.
I do know families that have been irrevocably destroyed by elderly parents demanding that their children leave their marital homes (and young children) to live with them and care for them full time. I understand the desire to not leave the home they lived in their whole life, but not at the expense of ruining their children's marriage or breaking up family homes.
I wish there were more options for aging-in-place and for setting up better supports for informal carers, but thry don't exist.
@thesensationaladventuresof1150 I'm so glad you have found the channel helpful! Please know, if you ever have a question, even if it's not directly related to the video, you can always add it to the comments and I will do my best to reply.
❤️
This video should be mandatory viewing for when people go to collect their free bus pass in the UK. Sadly too late for my family. A common thing I think people forget is we are having babies later as well so when you are in your 80s your children might have toddlers still it's not conducive to providing you with informal care.
Do u have any idea how much these services cost! Most people retired do not have this much money to pay for all these services! As a nurse for years i can assure you people don’t just put people their parents in a nursing home because they were bad parents! NO ONE CAN AFFORD NURSING HOMES NOW OR HOME HEALTH CARE! MEDICAID NURSING HOMES ARE HORRIBLE!
This is an Aussie based channel. Our healthcare system is different from yours. So yes, they can.
This is a great video!
This video has done its job if it gets people talking 😊
Thanks
❤❤ Thankyou so much!
Stop eating sugar , high carb food, eat like a caveman!I reversed my own mental decline that way. I live on an island with an active volcano, I know where all the fissures are, there will be no senior care home for me, thank you!
In the States its just the money. assisted living if you have the money. bad smelling nursing home if not, and you would be lucky to find a space. Interesting wig
I’m 70. I don’t need to be talked down to as though I’m a toddler.
I agree. I’m 69 and I know all this stuff that she’s talking about. She’s annoying! She seems to have issues.
@@yol.7177 I’m all for well meaning advice, but I resent being spoken to like I’m an unreasonable stubborn old fool.
@@teresasmith4383 Agreed. I would have preferred if she had just given advice on health and financial issues without all the judgment and assumptions.
@@yol.7177 Agreed. I clicked on the video to learn something, not get chewed out like I’ve been naughty all day.
But, seriously, there are lots of people our age who ARE stubborn, unreasonable old fools and they do need to be called out for behaviour that is hurting themselves and their families. No need to take it all as a personal insult, because it isn’t. You have to admit that she makes very good points about how a person can improve their future prospects. Just take what’s useful from it and forget the rest. A video a stranger makes isn’t going to ALL be relevant.
Not everybody has kids
Nope. Even more reason to work on maintain independence
@@TabooEducation Yes! But also aknowledging that. There are so many nephews and friends taking care of the elders. Even if it's just the ones that are at the emergency contact part of a medical form.
That's so true. I don't have kids. And I certainly will not burden my sister's children. So I have to make the plan myself. Currently, I 'm thinking about renewing my passport so that I can go to a country that permits assisted dying if that course of action is what I choose.
@@dorothybarrett1853
11 U.S . states allow physician assisted dying.
@@renzo6490 , yes, and I live in one of them. But it can be put into motion only for individuals who have just six months to live. So a victim of ALS, for example, might have to exist--against his or her will/choice-- with devastating, debilitating effects of the illness for several years. In such a case, the ALS victim who wants to end his/her life sooner, through euthanasia, would have to go abroad. That's my understanding.
A colostomy is not paid for after 75
Where? Sounds like USA. Most of us have better healthcare than them.
Total rubbish
Death and dying videos, what with you, Wally? Great 😶