As I was reading I didn't get the impression that Vanessa was especially smart compared to the small number of peers we meet (Jenny and her afterschool activity mate) I got the feeling that she was a Depressed kid using the idea of being smarter than everyone else to cope with her loneliness and social akwardness "the reason I'm alone is because I'm just too smart for my peers, not that I'm Depressed and antisocial" type of cope. I felt that Strain basically gassed her up with the whole, you're so special your not like the other girls thing to take advantage of her because it played into her self image.
There's a bit of an issue of telling not showing with this novel to be honest, so it's really hard to tell ultimately I think. Sometimes the "not like other girls thing" is true, and is precisely what makes one more vulnerable. And other times it is not.
I'd recommend it be taught In highschools, we teach kids how to identify bad touches, don't take candy from stranger, don't get Into rides with them, but do we teach kids how they can be manipulated, when they are young and stressed out feeling insecure, not everyone that comes and cheers them up and says "but your a pretty or your so smart and talented" has Thier best interest in mind, for me the book really highlights the struggle of being young and innocent and how kids can easily become "victim" volunteeraly and shows the sign and techniques predators use on them.
In the beginning you mentioned contradictions regarding how Vanessa feels about him, and i assume you're referring to details such as Vanessa being disgusted by his body; his fat belly and sweat stains and his oldness; while at the same time repeatedly claiming she wanted him, she wanted him to touch her etc... Even being turned on and masturbating to the memory of it as an adult. In my opinion this is purposefully done to show that in reality she **didn't** want him. She especially didn't want sex with him. She of course had confusing feelings about it, even at 15 she did receive physical pleasure from what he did to her - which is common in rape & sexual assault - we don't choose how our bodies react to stimulation and at that age we are full of hormones, complicating the whole experience even more. But she never wanted to touch him, even when she was getting pleasure from things like him going down on her. She didn't want sex from him, what she really wanted but couldn't recognize or express at that age (or really ever, thanks to the psychological damage) was simply love, attention, validation, admiration. Reassurance that she was lovable. It's really that simple, though more complex to understand when you're in that position. He saw this need in her and he exploited it. Most of this is obvious to most readers I'm sure but, that's why her feelings for him seem contradicting. She wasn't really attracted to him, she just needed to be loved. In reality she was disgusted by him and every sexual act was rape. Not only statutory rape but "rape rape" as she described it. Even several of the scenes when she was in her twenties were obviously rape as well, but then she found herself craving it despite still being disgusted by him. At that point she was also disgusted with herself, she saw herself through his eyes and she was too old. So, still even then she was only seeking validation. All because of the severe damage he inflicted to her self esteem and self image.
The reason he emphasizes her "maturity" and womanhood is because he wants her to think that's what he sees in her. It's a common tactic of older men preying on young girls. They're justifying their attraction, it's not really what they think. His little slips like asking her to call him Daddy are there to show the truth he's trying to hide from her - that he's attracted to her because she's a little girl, not because she's mature for her age. It's not a contradiction, it's him lying.
When you talk about the descriptions of her dissociating during sex, you say there are times when she enjoys sex with him I disagree. She enjoys when he goes down on her, when he's the one touching her but she doesn't enjoy touching him or having sex with him at any point.. again just in my opinion. I think the reason she "enjoys" things like him going down on her is because her body reacts and physically it feels good. It also feels good emotionally because she's being doted on and feels desired. But I think it's clear from her inner thoughts that she's uncomfortable with it too, she just wants the attention and she's confused. The reason I think this is because I've been there. The book depicts the confusion and conflicting thoughts really well.
Well there are, in fact, cases where the victim desires the predator, because that's what grooming can do: I am one of those victims, and trust me that very fact is, in itself, incredibly traumatising/psychologically violent. Everything I said in that video came from literal lived experience. I would've preferred a more committed stance with regards to this in My Dark Vanessa's portrayal, but it's fine. Putney, by Sofka Zinovieff, does a better job of this.
@@ThePurpleBookWyrm I'm not arguing against your experience or saying you're wrong at all. This is just my interpretation of the book, also coming from my own similar (but different in ways from yours) experience. I appreciated the video! Definitely love deep dives into books like this. This book just made me think A LOT because of things I've been through myself. I listened to the audiobook once and then I started reading the physical book and taking notes/making journal entries on points I can relate to and my interpretations. So again, everything I wrote is my own interpretation from my own POV with my own experiences in mind.
@@ThePurpleBookWyrm I know it's possible for the victim to desire the predator, I was one. I just think the author meant to portray Vanessa as not truly wanting the sexual parts of their relationship. I think that's why the author writes her to be disgusted by him several times, and dissociating during sex etc. In my opinion, the author wrote it to show that what Vanessa really wanted was the attention and validation, not the sex. But of course it's complicated and confusing in her mind.
loved this . also think our culture is obsessed with victimhood. and i get why some women hesitate to tell their stories especially about famous predators because you will be the victim forever. just look at a poor samantha geimer. she is asking to move on and still is used as a prop in a pervert roman polanski's story. and still she is told that she is not angry enough
Thank you! 🙂 Indeed, it's a complex, and delicate subject. I feel like there aren't any easy answers on an individual level, because it just touches a person in such a deeply intimate (and painful) way.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this book from the perspective of someone who has experienced a parallel situation. I also had a similar relationship when I was 12-18 and want to read this book, but at 25 I still find myself fighting the spell of older men that show me attention. I think this would be a heartwrenching read that would be like holding a mirror up to the aspects of myself that I can't stand due to those years of manipulation. That one person made me feel like a god growing up, so anyone that shows me that same kind of "worship" or "you're something special" notion, either invokes rage in me OR I start to romanticize them a whole lot. I guess I'm saying I may need to couple this book with a therapist :') and memory IS a fickle bitch, my god.
Well, I mean... I'm literally at the psych clinic (partly) because of this, so yeah consulting a psychologist isn't the worst idea in the world, if you feel the need. 😉 I'd be lying too if I said reading MDV (and then Putney, which I found even more heart-hitting) had nothing to do with me finally deciding to file a complaint against my abuser. That's the power of such stories.
@@ThePurpleBookWyrm Ah I'm so glad to have clicked on your review of this! I wasn't going to approach this novel with much caution and after listening to what you have to say on it, i've decided to save it for a later date where I have support to help tackle facing these complex emotional experiences. Though it seems well worth the difficulty to read. Thank you for all your input and personal sharing, and here's to you for taking action!!
The cover for "My Dark Vanessa" is so beautiful! I usually give books away when I'm finished with them, but this is one of the few I'm going to keep! I've seen a different version with only "cartoony" red hair on the cover. Not good. MDV is definitely worth reading, although it almost felt like a short story to me. I'm not a fast reader by any means and even I finished it in no time (probably bc the writing does seem "basic" at times.) It took me f o r e v e r to finish "Dune" (hope the Timothee Chalamet/Zendaya movie still comes out this year!) 📚📚👩🏻📚📚📚
Yes, this beautiful cover is way better than the other one, I completely agree! 🙂 And I'm also largely with you on the writing - but then I guess I didn't really read it for the writing haha. I haven't read Dune yet but it's on this year's TBR: I'm very excited to get into it, and before the movie comes out (assuming it still comes out this year, though if it doesn't then that just gives me more time to read the books lol). From what I've been following, the adaptation seems cautiously promising. 😄
I read this book a few weeks ago and can't really get it out of my head for the same reason you decided to publish such a personal review. I relate to all your criticisms of this book- again coming from a similar place. I actually have a lot more to say about this topic and the way Vanessa is portrayed but am too nervous to share it here. I admire your openness about your past. I don't think I could talk about it so openly- and yes, I have been left very scarred by the perception others had of me back then and even now if I talk about it (over twenty years later).
Thank you for this comment. I'm so sorry you feel like you can't take the risk of talking about this more openly, but I completely understand why. It makes me all the more glad to be able to give voice to our type of experience, if that makes sense. 🌼
In my experience there are very few people who truly understand this grey area you refer to. I am some years older than you and in some ways, it is only now that I understand what impact it's actually had on me. I simply wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with it- and quite crucially neither was he. Working out the toxicity of the situation whilst recognising that love can and does exist alongside the 'wrong' is a very tough challenge. MDV is a good attempt at articulating that.
I really appreciate your review. I also lived through something quite similar, though not a teacher, and I was 9 - 13. It was so, so difficult to read, but like you, it told a story more similar to what I experienced. I’ve never read something that told this kind of story... it is quite difficult to describe why something that was legally abuse didn’t feel like abuse (I understand why you don’t consider it to have been abuse, but I’m not sure what else to call it). It seems uncommon to hear a story of someone who cared for their someone who did this to them. For me, it has only been in my adulthood that I realized how wrong it was, and I feel that I struggle with the contrast of how much I cared for him, vs how wrong it was. Vanessa seemed to struggle with the same feelings of knowing that it is wrong, and she’s unsure and sometimes uncomfortable with the sexual relationship after it starts, but she just needs to be needs. I resonated with what you said about never knowing Strane. We only really know what Vanessa, then Taylor, tell us about him. He’s quite a manipulator and that’s clear, but we only know what they tell us about him, and as such he’s not really a whole person. The manipulation and twisting of feelings and events, as well as Strane’s hot/cold games were familiar to me. Sorry for the wall of text, and thank you for sharing part of your story. I’m not sure how you feel about it today, it’s a strange place to be. Thanks for your book review!! If you’d care to hear more about my story, kitkaboodleandfamily.blogspot.com/2020/07/trigger-warning-sexual-abuse.html?m=1 it helps me to know other people out there have had a relationship like this (which I certainly consider abuse for myself, and it legally is, but each person gets to label it how they want).
Thank you for your thoughtful and respectful comment. 🙂 I did read your story: I'm sorry you had to go through that at such a young age, and yes, I can see a couple similarities with my own (the hot and cold or, as I call them "yo-yo" dynamics for example, though they took a different shape in my case). Like I said in my review, I don't consider myself a rape victim (despite the Law's stance on it in my country), though I do feel more and more comfortable labelling aspects of that relationship as outright emotional abuse. In any case I'm glad you enjoyed the review, and that those of us intimately familiar with this type of story can reach out to one another like this.
I made similar experiences in the age of 13.And I can understand Vanessa and her behaviour completely. When I read the book, I thought it is me, how she behaved and how she justified the relationship. Same as she, I never felt abused and I wad aware of being abused when I was 25 but even somebody would ask me to sue this person, I won't. I still don't feel hate ahainst him.
@@claudiaweber4564 Hey, I just noticed your comment. I have now come around to the conclusion, both intellectual and emotional, that I am a rape/sexual abuse victim (still feels too early to call myself a "survivor" of anything though), and have decided to pursue legal action against my abuser. However, I would not say I hate him; I just feel incredibly angry, hurt and confused, because even though he is clearly a predator, he might've still also loved me in his perverted way. I think only a tiny minority of such individuals are what are commonly called "sociopaths", incapable of genuine human emotion, and thus I believe even predators can in fact love their victims in a profoundly tainted sort of way, which makes processing such experiences so much more messy and complicated. In any case I understand the way you feel, I am sorry this happened to you, and wish you all the best on your road to healing.
This book has so many interesting and complex readings. as you mention you come from a similar experience. I'm just an average reader. I think in the book is quite clear that Vanessa came to realise that she was being groomed that's why the disembodiment in her sexual encounters in her twenties and her reaction to the "he just touch her knee" reaction. She was upset because Strane was doing the same to other girls, then obviously understanding that she wasn't as special as Strane told her she was. I see Vanessa as a victim as she mentions "I'm Mark for life" and she got kicked out of school, her carrier opportunities were minimised, she was always under his shadow, and was unable to distance herself from the bond with that man she wasn't free. He knew he was doing something wrong and started to cover his own back with those email. And I think her family kind of fail her, I understand she came from a working class background, and her family probably didn't know any better but her mum knew there was something going on and decided to ignore it. I was confused by the ending because she could see and she admitted to the rape in a very subtle way earlier in the book, she didn't like that other people judge her but only because she judges herself very harshly not because she isn't either a victim or a survivor. Really enjoyed your review.
Well, I mean "marked for life" can be taken both in a positive and a negative sense (or even in a relatively neutral/statement of fact way, I suppose); I didn't find that sentence particularly damning in and of itself personally, but I get how someone else could see it that way. And like I said, I agree the disembodiment scene in her twenties was very convincing, which I didn't think was the case at all with those in her teenage years, weirdly enough. Chalk it up to an issue with the writing itself, perhaps? I'm not quite sure she ever does agree she was in fact raped though? Abused, in a more general sense, perhaps, yes. But I remember her clearly rejecting the labels of surviver or rape victim, until the very end. In any case, I'm glad you found the review interesting, and for sharing your own views on the book! 🙂
Sure, but it still doesn't change the fact that it doesn't result, by itself, in the same amount of trauma or equates to actually being raped or in an abusive relationship. 🤷🏻♀️ That's what I meant.
@@ThePurpleBookWyrm They discuss several times how the grooming began much earlier than him touching her knee. He started giving her attention, and she understood the attention felt good, but when the attention gets physical, each touch is a test to see if the child will let them go further.
I also think that these girls, who might have been more adjusted, less isolated, knew that the leg touch thing would have spiraled into other, more abusive/rapy stuff going on. I wonder, too, if Vanessa felt a type of envy towards them for having the knowledge and self-respect to say no. Self-respect is the wrong word but there was a sort of isolation and loneliness when you never feel seen. It was probably that desperation that made her crave that attention.
I hope you're doing better now, I was horrified hearing the bits of your experience as a victim myself. Abusers never stop at one victim. Theres always more. I think that was incredibly accurate, a lot of this. Including thinking of very odd and random things during abuse. Knowing this trauma, I hear it in your story. Anyway, Hope you are well. ❤️🩹.
Great to read! 🙂 I most definitely think it's a great conversation starter, and I imagine book clubs will be having grand old times with this in the future. 😁
A very personal review, indeed. It is a complex issue, I hope you have been able to move on from your Vanessa-esque relationship, something Vanessa hadn't been able to do "I'm still stuck here, I can't move on."
This is an awesome video! I subscribed. I just read this book and I really 'enjoyed' it, again not sure if that's the right word but you know what I mean haha. I am definitely going to need a light and happy read after this one.
Hello Mam, Its really interesting to hear about the book. Can i ask you one suggestion that is it applicable for me to choose this book as my degree research work/project?
I guess it all depends on the focus of your research degree, but I don't see why you couldn't use such a book, and others like it (Putney is another excellent one to check out). 😉
As I was reading I didn't get the impression that Vanessa was especially smart compared to the small number of peers we meet (Jenny and her afterschool activity mate) I got the feeling that she was a Depressed kid using the idea of being smarter than everyone else to cope with her loneliness and social akwardness "the reason I'm alone is because I'm just too smart for my peers, not that I'm Depressed and antisocial" type of cope. I felt that Strain basically gassed her up with the whole, you're so special your not like the other girls thing to take advantage of her because it played into her self image.
There's a bit of an issue of telling not showing with this novel to be honest, so it's really hard to tell ultimately I think. Sometimes the "not like other girls thing" is true, and is precisely what makes one more vulnerable. And other times it is not.
I'd recommend it be taught In highschools, we teach kids how to identify bad touches, don't take candy from stranger, don't get Into rides with them, but do we teach kids how they can be manipulated, when they are young and stressed out feeling insecure, not everyone that comes and cheers them up and says "but your a pretty or your so smart and talented" has Thier best interest in mind, for me the book really highlights the struggle of being young and innocent and how kids can easily become "victim" volunteeraly and shows the sign and techniques predators use on them.
Trauma can stunt your psychological growth at the age of the initial trauma.
In the beginning you mentioned contradictions regarding how Vanessa feels about him, and i assume you're referring to details such as Vanessa being disgusted by his body; his fat belly and sweat stains and his oldness; while at the same time repeatedly claiming she wanted him, she wanted him to touch her etc... Even being turned on and masturbating to the memory of it as an adult.
In my opinion this is purposefully done to show that in reality she **didn't** want him. She especially didn't want sex with him. She of course had confusing feelings about it, even at 15 she did receive physical pleasure from what he did to her - which is common in rape & sexual assault - we don't choose how our bodies react to stimulation and at that age we are full of hormones, complicating the whole experience even more. But she never wanted to touch him, even when she was getting pleasure from things like him going down on her.
She didn't want sex from him, what she really wanted but couldn't recognize or express at that age (or really ever, thanks to the psychological damage) was simply love, attention, validation, admiration. Reassurance that she was lovable. It's really that simple, though more complex to understand when you're in that position. He saw this need in her and he exploited it. Most of this is obvious to most readers I'm sure but, that's why her feelings for him seem contradicting. She wasn't really attracted to him, she just needed to be loved. In reality she was disgusted by him and every sexual act was rape. Not only statutory rape but "rape rape" as she described it.
Even several of the scenes when she was in her twenties were obviously rape as well, but then she found herself craving it despite still being disgusted by him. At that point she was also disgusted with herself, she saw herself through his eyes and she was too old. So, still even then she was only seeking validation. All because of the severe damage he inflicted to her self esteem and self image.
The reason he emphasizes her "maturity" and womanhood is because he wants her to think that's what he sees in her. It's a common tactic of older men preying on young girls. They're justifying their attraction, it's not really what they think. His little slips like asking her to call him Daddy are there to show the truth he's trying to hide from her - that he's attracted to her because she's a little girl, not because she's mature for her age. It's not a contradiction, it's him lying.
When you talk about the descriptions of her dissociating during sex, you say there are times when she enjoys sex with him I disagree. She enjoys when he goes down on her, when he's the one touching her but she doesn't enjoy touching him or having sex with him at any point.. again just in my opinion. I think the reason she "enjoys" things like him going down on her is because her body reacts and physically it feels good. It also feels good emotionally because she's being doted on and feels desired. But I think it's clear from her inner thoughts that she's uncomfortable with it too, she just wants the attention and she's confused. The reason I think this is because I've been there. The book depicts the confusion and conflicting thoughts really well.
Well there are, in fact, cases where the victim desires the predator, because that's what grooming can do: I am one of those victims, and trust me that very fact is, in itself, incredibly traumatising/psychologically violent. Everything I said in that video came from literal lived experience. I would've preferred a more committed stance with regards to this in My Dark Vanessa's portrayal, but it's fine. Putney, by Sofka Zinovieff, does a better job of this.
@@ThePurpleBookWyrm I'm not arguing against your experience or saying you're wrong at all. This is just my interpretation of the book, also coming from my own similar (but different in ways from yours) experience. I appreciated the video! Definitely love deep dives into books like this. This book just made me think A LOT because of things I've been through myself. I listened to the audiobook once and then I started reading the physical book and taking notes/making journal entries on points I can relate to and my interpretations. So again, everything I wrote is my own interpretation from my own POV with my own experiences in mind.
@@ThePurpleBookWyrm I know it's possible for the victim to desire the predator, I was one. I just think the author meant to portray Vanessa as not truly wanting the sexual parts of their relationship. I think that's why the author writes her to be disgusted by him several times, and dissociating during sex etc. In my opinion, the author wrote it to show that what Vanessa really wanted was the attention and validation, not the sex. But of course it's complicated and confusing in her mind.
loved this . also think our culture is obsessed with victimhood. and i get why some women hesitate to tell their stories especially about famous predators because you will be the victim forever. just look at a poor samantha geimer. she is asking to move on and still is used as a prop in a pervert roman polanski's story. and still she is told that she is not angry enough
Thank you! 🙂 Indeed, it's a complex, and delicate subject. I feel like there aren't any easy answers on an individual level, because it just touches a person in such a deeply intimate (and painful) way.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this book from the perspective of someone who has experienced a parallel situation. I also had a similar relationship when I was 12-18 and want to read this book, but at 25 I still find myself fighting the spell of older men that show me attention. I think this would be a heartwrenching read that would be like holding a mirror up to the aspects of myself that I can't stand due to those years of manipulation. That one person made me feel like a god growing up, so anyone that shows me that same kind of "worship" or "you're something special" notion, either invokes rage in me OR I start to romanticize them a whole lot. I guess I'm saying I may need to couple this book with a therapist :') and memory IS a fickle bitch, my god.
Well, I mean... I'm literally at the psych clinic (partly) because of this, so yeah consulting a psychologist isn't the worst idea in the world, if you feel the need. 😉 I'd be lying too if I said reading MDV (and then Putney, which I found even more heart-hitting) had nothing to do with me finally deciding to file a complaint against my abuser. That's the power of such stories.
@@ThePurpleBookWyrm Ah I'm so glad to have clicked on your review of this! I wasn't going to approach this novel with much caution and after listening to what you have to say on it, i've decided to save it for a later date where I have support to help tackle facing these complex emotional experiences. Though it seems well worth the difficulty to read. Thank you for all your input and personal sharing, and here's to you for taking action!!
@@foolgazer Thank you. And I too hope you get the support you need on your healing journey. 🙂
The cover for "My Dark Vanessa" is so beautiful! I usually give books away when I'm finished with them, but this is one of the few I'm going to keep! I've seen a different version with only "cartoony" red hair on the cover. Not good. MDV is definitely worth reading, although it almost felt like a short story to me. I'm not a fast reader by any means and even I finished it in no time (probably bc the writing does seem "basic" at times.) It took me f o r e v e r to finish "Dune" (hope the Timothee Chalamet/Zendaya movie still comes out this year!) 📚📚👩🏻📚📚📚
Yes, this beautiful cover is way better than the other one, I completely agree! 🙂 And I'm also largely with you on the writing - but then I guess I didn't really read it for the writing haha. I haven't read Dune yet but it's on this year's TBR: I'm very excited to get into it, and before the movie comes out (assuming it still comes out this year, though if it doesn't then that just gives me more time to read the books lol). From what I've been following, the adaptation seems cautiously promising. 😄
I read this book a few weeks ago and can't really get it out of my head for the same reason you decided to publish such a personal review. I relate to all your criticisms of this book- again coming from a similar place. I actually have a lot more to say about this topic and the way Vanessa is portrayed but am too nervous to share it here. I admire your openness about your past. I don't think I could talk about it so openly- and yes, I have been left very scarred by the perception others had of me back then and even now if I talk about it (over twenty years later).
Thank you for this comment. I'm so sorry you feel like you can't take the risk of talking about this more openly, but I completely understand why. It makes me all the more glad to be able to give voice to our type of experience, if that makes sense. 🌼
In my experience there are very few people who truly understand this grey area you refer to. I am some years older than you and in some ways, it is only now that I understand what impact it's actually had on me. I simply wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with it- and quite crucially neither was he. Working out the toxicity of the situation whilst recognising that love can and does exist alongside the 'wrong' is a very tough challenge. MDV is a good attempt at articulating that.
@@silmarilontheshore2232 Yes, I wholeheartedly agree!
I really appreciate your review. I also lived through something quite similar, though not a teacher, and I was 9 - 13. It was so, so difficult to read, but like you, it told a story more similar to what I experienced. I’ve never read something that told this kind of story... it is quite difficult to describe why something that was legally abuse didn’t feel like abuse (I understand why you don’t consider it to have been abuse, but I’m not sure what else to call it). It seems uncommon to hear a story of someone who cared for their someone who did this to them. For me, it has only been in my adulthood that I realized how wrong it was, and I feel that I struggle with the contrast of how much I cared for him, vs how wrong it was. Vanessa seemed to struggle with the same feelings of knowing that it is wrong, and she’s unsure and sometimes uncomfortable with the sexual relationship after it starts, but she just needs to be needs.
I resonated with what you said about never knowing Strane. We only really know what Vanessa, then Taylor, tell us about him. He’s quite a manipulator and that’s clear, but we only know what they tell us about him, and as such he’s not really a whole person. The manipulation and twisting of feelings and events, as well as Strane’s hot/cold games were familiar to me.
Sorry for the wall of text, and thank you for sharing part of your story. I’m not sure how you feel about it today, it’s a strange place to be.
Thanks for your book review!! If you’d care to hear more about my story, kitkaboodleandfamily.blogspot.com/2020/07/trigger-warning-sexual-abuse.html?m=1 it helps me to know other people out there have had a relationship like this (which I certainly consider abuse for myself, and it legally is, but each person gets to label it how they want).
Thank you for your thoughtful and respectful comment. 🙂 I did read your story: I'm sorry you had to go through that at such a young age, and yes, I can see a couple similarities with my own (the hot and cold or, as I call them "yo-yo" dynamics for example, though they took a different shape in my case). Like I said in my review, I don't consider myself a rape victim (despite the Law's stance on it in my country), though I do feel more and more comfortable labelling aspects of that relationship as outright emotional abuse.
In any case I'm glad you enjoyed the review, and that those of us intimately familiar with this type of story can reach out to one another like this.
I made similar experiences in the age of 13.And I can understand Vanessa and her behaviour completely. When I read the book, I thought it is me, how she behaved and how she justified the relationship. Same as she, I never felt abused and I wad aware of being abused when I was 25 but even somebody would ask me to sue this person, I won't. I still don't feel hate ahainst him.
@@claudiaweber4564 Hey, I just noticed your comment. I have now come around to the conclusion, both intellectual and emotional, that I am a rape/sexual abuse victim (still feels too early to call myself a "survivor" of anything though), and have decided to pursue legal action against my abuser. However, I would not say I hate him; I just feel incredibly angry, hurt and confused, because even though he is clearly a predator, he might've still also loved me in his perverted way. I think only a tiny minority of such individuals are what are commonly called "sociopaths", incapable of genuine human emotion, and thus I believe even predators can in fact love their victims in a profoundly tainted sort of way, which makes processing such experiences so much more messy and complicated. In any case I understand the way you feel, I am sorry this happened to you, and wish you all the best on your road to healing.
This book has so many interesting and complex readings. as you mention you come from a similar experience. I'm just an average reader. I think in the book is quite clear that Vanessa came to realise that she was being groomed that's why the disembodiment in her sexual encounters in her twenties and her reaction to the "he just touch her knee" reaction. She was upset because Strane was doing the same to other girls, then obviously understanding that she wasn't as special as Strane told her she was.
I see Vanessa as a victim as she mentions "I'm Mark for life" and she got kicked out of school, her carrier opportunities were minimised, she was always under his shadow, and was unable to distance herself from the bond with that man she wasn't free. He knew he was doing something wrong and started to cover his own back with those email. And I think her family kind of fail her, I understand she came from a working class background, and her family probably didn't know any better but her mum knew there was something going on and decided to ignore it.
I was confused by the ending because she could see and she admitted to the rape in a very subtle way earlier in the book, she didn't like that other people judge her but only because she judges herself very harshly not because she isn't either a victim or a survivor.
Really enjoyed your review.
Well, I mean "marked for life" can be taken both in a positive and a negative sense (or even in a relatively neutral/statement of fact way, I suppose); I didn't find that sentence particularly damning in and of itself personally, but I get how someone else could see it that way.
And like I said, I agree the disembodiment scene in her twenties was very convincing, which I didn't think was the case at all with those in her teenage years, weirdly enough. Chalk it up to an issue with the writing itself, perhaps?
I'm not quite sure she ever does agree she was in fact raped though? Abused, in a more general sense, perhaps, yes. But I remember her clearly rejecting the labels of surviver or rape victim, until the very end.
In any case, I'm glad you found the review interesting, and for sharing your own views on the book! 🙂
It was a touch on the knee that started Vanessa's relationship. If the other girls had let it go further, it could have happened again.
Sure, but it still doesn't change the fact that it doesn't result, by itself, in the same amount of trauma or equates to actually being raped or in an abusive relationship. 🤷🏻♀️ That's what I meant.
@@ThePurpleBookWyrm They discuss several times how the grooming began much earlier than him touching her knee. He started giving her attention, and she understood the attention felt good, but when the attention gets physical, each touch is a test to see if the child will let them go further.
I also think that these girls, who might have been more adjusted, less isolated, knew that the leg touch thing would have spiraled into other, more abusive/rapy stuff going on. I wonder, too, if Vanessa felt a type of envy towards them for having the knowledge and self-respect to say no. Self-respect is the wrong word but there was a sort of isolation and loneliness when you never feel seen. It was probably that desperation that made her crave that attention.
I hope you're doing better now, I was horrified hearing the bits of your experience as a victim myself. Abusers never stop at one victim. Theres always more. I think that was incredibly accurate, a lot of this. Including thinking of very odd and random things during abuse.
Knowing this trauma, I hear it in your story. Anyway,
Hope you are well. ❤️🩹.
this video is amazing, thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you! :)
Wow. This was such an interesting review. Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings regarding this story!
Your thought provoking review was honest and captivating. There are many more questions to be asked than answers given.
definitely want to read this soon. it sounds really interesting and i like all the conversations that its bringing up.
Great to read! 🙂 I most definitely think it's a great conversation starter, and I imagine book clubs will be having grand old times with this in the future. 😁
A very personal review, indeed. It is a complex issue, I hope you have been able to move on from your Vanessa-esque relationship, something Vanessa hadn't been able to do "I'm still stuck here, I can't move on."
Oh yes, quite a lot has changed in my psyche since that 2020 review... 😅 I've since filed an (ongoing) lawsuit against my rapist and abuser.
@@ThePurpleBookWyrm I hope you get a satisfactory outcome and can move on with the rest of your life.
This is an awesome video! I subscribed. I just read this book and I really 'enjoyed' it, again not sure if that's the right word but you know what I mean haha. I am definitely going to need a light and happy read after this one.
Thank you! 🙂
Hello Mam,
Its really interesting to hear about the book.
Can i ask you one suggestion that is it applicable for me to choose this book as my degree research work/project?
I guess it all depends on the focus of your research degree, but I don't see why you couldn't use such a book, and others like it (Putney is another excellent one to check out). 😉
I just finished reading it and all I can say is that is was so pathetically sad that she revolved her entire life on Strane.