@@donh1572 sometimes it’s not that simple & our own emotions can cloud our judgment. If you go into the relationship really guarded, your brain will find proof as to why it won’t work out. If you go in hopeful, your brian will find reasons to dismiss the ‘red flags’.
Good tips. I’ve found that people also often give themselves away very quickly, even in their dating profiles with statements such as: “I’m a very independent person” “I won’t have conflicts with the right person or if it’s meant to be” “My job/kid/hobby is my top priority” “I don’t want someone who is too needy” “Even though I have a profile on this dating site, I’m not looking for a relationship” Also they often want the “good parts” of APs (like being prioritized and having someone really pay close attention to their needs) without being asked to reciprocate. So, they might also hint at that by saying they don’t chase, but love to be chased, etc. So, even if they don’t know they’re avoidant, they’ve probably had some bad experiences and will try identify where the friction points have been. If we can listen closely, they’ll tell us :)
Dating apps in general I'd say are probably 80% avoidants. Unless a girl (or whatever you're into) essentially puts on their profile that they are looking for someone to settle down with and marry, they are usually avoidant, or so has been the case with the probably 2 dozen women I've met on dating apps in my lifetime. And those women who ARE looking for something serious, are the types who expect you to propose to them by like the 3rd date. I remember going on a date with a girl off bumble and she was extremely attractive, very bubbly/outgoing personality too, but literally the third date and she's already asking if i want kids and what their names would be. This was after talking/texting for maybe 3 weeks. Secure people don't need dating apps, myself included.
@ I often joke that the folks on dating apps are “the leftovers” - we all have issues :) As you imply, the secure people are all in relationships already, and have been for decades. And those who aren’t looking are either secretly avoidant or just aren’t available. That’s okay with me. I don’t mind someone who is flawed. I just want someone who is happy to put in half the effort I will. I’ve also definitely gotten the 3rd date marriage talk also haha, which I can deal with. It’s the 3rd date ghosting I can’t stand.
@@truthsmilesI’m 33 (though im gonna sound like a total boomer here) but I’ve gotten off dating apps and just started being friendly with women, and frankly everyone, everywhere I go.
Yeah! The only thing you need to do is differentiate between what they tell you that is true about themselves and what they think you think is the right answer that you want to hear
I’ll save myself the 8 months and literally just ask them. What’s your attachment style and are you aware of those and what they mean? I will never waste my time again with an avoidant partner. 2 years I already went through. Put through the wringer. Emotional abuse etc. But in the beginning she was absolutely amazing and everything I ever wanted. So yeah…I have no issues with asking. If that’s a turn off, cool, we probably aren’t a great fit then.
You can ask but it doesn’t mean you will get the full truth. In my experience many people think they are secure when they in fact are not… the only want to be sure is to observe in a long enough time frame to see their behavior pattern. Have you taken a deeper look at what the turning point was for your relationship? If she was amazing and then changed- why is that? A 2 year long relationship is plenty of time for you to spot the behavior so if I was working with you 1:1, I would ask you at what point things started to go south.
@ I was anxiously attached then. I knew nothing about attachment styles then , either. I was in a long term marriage where many of my wants and needs stopped being met long ago. So when I met her, I think I was basically emotionally starved. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I love hard. And deeply. She showed up for be in ways I hadn’t felt….maybe ever? It was amazing, yes. I felt seen and heard and validated and understood. And so did she. Once things got really settled and more serious though, intimacy..vulnerability, connection and chemistry etc…I started to see her pull away. She got scared of that. Her parents never modeled healthy love to her either. She has serious childhood trauma. BPD, DID, none of which I knew about and she didn’t know then either, she only knew she had multiple personalities. And yes, they all have names. It was a wild ride. She was hot and cold. Loving, then would pull away. Loved being intimate all the time, then don’t touch me. It was an exhausting roller coaster of emotions. We broke up and got back together 4 times. Lived together 6 months. But she could never reciprocate back to me, what I gave her. I was there in support of her mental health issues, I was loving and patient and empathetic. She was my best friend for a long time. But ultimately, it always ended up the same way. She’d allow those intense feelings for me to come back, fall in love with me again and after a few months, she’d run again. And the pattern would repeat. It was emotional abuse honestly. I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to choose myself because clearly she wasn’t choosing me back. I finally decided to work on my boundaries and my anxiety around abandonment trauma, and work towards a much healthier me. Realizing my worth and my heart and all the love I had to offer. So when she ran again, I told her I wasn’t going to chase her anymore. I was done. I blocked her and went no contact. That was three months ago. The grief is horrible some days, but I’m making it through, day by day. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. Letting her go. I was so in love with her. But maybe more in love with her potential and that beautiful heart of hers I saw in the first 6 months. I have empathy for her. I wish her love and happiness and healing. But she was killing me slowly. My mental health was so mad. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I don’t deserve that.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Unfortunately, sometimes you can’t do anything about it except walk away. If you feel that was the right thing for then that’s what needs to happen. Wish you love, healing, and happiness.
You can weed them out easily when you start asking their relationship goals and seeing their actions towards those goals
@@donh1572 sometimes it’s not that simple & our own emotions can cloud our judgment. If you go into the relationship really guarded, your brain will find proof as to why it won’t work out. If you go in hopeful, your brian will find reasons to dismiss the ‘red flags’.
Good tips. I’ve found that people also often give themselves away very quickly, even in their dating profiles with statements such as:
“I’m a very independent person”
“I won’t have conflicts with the right person or if it’s meant to be”
“My job/kid/hobby is my top priority”
“I don’t want someone who is too needy”
“Even though I have a profile on this dating site, I’m not looking for a relationship”
Also they often want the “good parts” of APs (like being prioritized and having someone really pay close attention to their needs) without being asked to reciprocate. So, they might also hint at that by saying they don’t chase, but love to be chased, etc.
So, even if they don’t know they’re avoidant, they’ve probably had some bad experiences and will try identify where the friction points have been. If we can listen closely, they’ll tell us :)
Dating apps in general I'd say are probably 80% avoidants. Unless a girl (or whatever you're into) essentially puts on their profile that they are looking for someone to settle down with and marry, they are usually avoidant, or so has been the case with the probably 2 dozen women I've met on dating apps in my lifetime. And those women who ARE looking for something serious, are the types who expect you to propose to them by like the 3rd date. I remember going on a date with a girl off bumble and she was extremely attractive, very bubbly/outgoing personality too, but literally the third date and she's already asking if i want kids and what their names would be. This was after talking/texting for maybe 3 weeks.
Secure people don't need dating apps, myself included.
@ I often joke that the folks on dating apps are “the leftovers” - we all have issues :)
As you imply, the secure people are all in relationships already, and have been for decades. And those who aren’t looking are either secretly avoidant or just aren’t available.
That’s okay with me. I don’t mind someone who is flawed. I just want someone who is happy to put in half the effort I will.
I’ve also definitely gotten the 3rd date marriage talk also haha, which I can deal with. It’s the 3rd date ghosting I can’t stand.
@@truthsmilesI’m 33 (though im gonna sound like a total boomer here) but I’ve gotten off dating apps and just started being friendly with women, and frankly everyone, everywhere I go.
Yeah! The only thing you need to do is differentiate between what they tell you that is true about themselves and what they think you think is the right answer that you want to hear
I’ll save myself the 8 months and literally just ask them. What’s your attachment style and are you aware of those and what they mean? I will never waste my time again with an avoidant partner. 2 years I already went through. Put through the wringer. Emotional abuse etc. But in the beginning she was absolutely amazing and everything I ever wanted. So yeah…I have no issues with asking. If that’s a turn off, cool, we probably aren’t a great fit then.
You can ask but it doesn’t mean you will get the full truth. In my experience many people think they are secure when they in fact are not… the only want to be sure is to observe in a long enough time frame to see their behavior pattern.
Have you taken a deeper look at what the turning point was for your relationship? If she was amazing and then changed- why is that? A 2 year long relationship is plenty of time for you to spot the behavior so if I was working with you 1:1, I would ask you at what point things started to go south.
@ I was anxiously attached then. I knew nothing about attachment styles then , either. I was in a long term marriage where many of my wants and needs stopped being met long ago. So when I met her, I think I was basically emotionally starved. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I love hard. And deeply. She showed up for be in ways I hadn’t felt….maybe ever? It was amazing, yes. I felt seen and heard and validated and understood. And so did she. Once things got really settled and more serious though, intimacy..vulnerability, connection and chemistry etc…I started to see her pull away. She got scared of that. Her parents never modeled healthy love to her either. She has serious childhood trauma. BPD, DID, none of which I knew about and she didn’t know then either, she only knew she had multiple personalities. And yes, they all have names. It was a wild ride. She was hot and cold. Loving, then would pull away. Loved being intimate all the time, then don’t touch me. It was an exhausting roller coaster of emotions. We broke up and got back together 4 times. Lived together 6 months. But she could never reciprocate back to me, what I gave her. I was there in support of her mental health issues, I was loving and patient and empathetic. She was my best friend for a long time. But ultimately, it always ended up the same way. She’d allow those intense feelings for me to come back, fall in love with me again and after a few months, she’d run again. And the pattern would repeat. It was emotional abuse honestly. I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to choose myself because clearly she wasn’t choosing me back. I finally decided to work on my boundaries and my anxiety around abandonment trauma, and work towards a much healthier me. Realizing my worth and my heart and all the love I had to offer. So when she ran again, I told her I wasn’t going to chase her anymore. I was done. I blocked her and went no contact. That was three months ago. The grief is horrible some days, but I’m making it through, day by day. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. Letting her go. I was so in love with her. But maybe more in love with her potential and that beautiful heart of hers I saw in the first 6 months. I have empathy for her. I wish her love and happiness and healing. But she was killing me slowly. My mental health was so mad. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I don’t deserve that.
Thank you for sharing your story with me.
Unfortunately, sometimes you can’t do anything about it except walk away. If you feel that was the right thing for then that’s what needs to happen.
Wish you love, healing, and happiness.
Solid idea. I wouldn’t have known what it was but still good idea.
Thank you l, I appreciate the feedback ❤️