I chased a woman I was in a relationship with years ago. I learned from that experience that you should never chase ANYONE. If you have to chase them, it means they're running away. In the years since, I've always pursued, but never chased a woman I had interest in. This taught me to be able to recognize the women who reciprocated my interest versus the ones that didn't do I wouldn't waste my time.
@@biancae1059I would say that chasing comes from a neediness and going after someone who is running away. Pursuing is to move towards someone who is moving away but not out of avoidance. They might not yet know you are interested. As the pursuer I have to watch out for when I switch to chasing. That will scare any securely attached woman away.
As I watch this enthralling video, it resurrects the painful memories of my recent breakup-a relationship of three years that ended just two months ago. The Man who meant everything to me decided to leave, plunging me into a vortex of heartache. Despite my desperate attempts to reconcile, I find myself trapped in a cycle of frustration and longing, unable to envision a life without him . Despite my efforts to move forward, I find solace in expressing my lingering affection for him here .
Releasing your grip on someone you deeply care about can be a formidable challenge. I found myself in a comparable predicament when my 5 year relationship came to an end. I exhausted every avenue to reunite with her, eventually turning to a spiritual advisor for guidance, whose intervention bring us back.
Thank you for your share! Give yourself credit for acknowledging that and putting yourself first! Keep up the great work and wishing you all the best on your healing journey! ❤🩹
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thanks Thais, your videos have given me the "closure" that I really couldn't get to for some reason (I am normally secure, but started to spiral emotionally). THAT was the wakeup call I needed. I stopped idealizing and reality jolted me out of this profoundly toxic relationship.
@@lindatannock funny because I find people who trigger me help me discover things about myself that were hidden deep inside. There are reasons for triggers and they usually stem from somewhere far before your relationship. When I'm triggered I sit in it until I figure out why. So oddly enough, I'm grateful for them.
I'm glad you're incorporating more of the importance of realizing when to walk away in your avoidance videos. I've been watching for years, just as a reminder of what to look for and prevent future heartbreak... Avoidants are great when you first meet them, but you have to know when to hold em and when to fold em.
Hi! First time I hear you mention the Flaw Finding is a temporary thing until Feelings are back online when the tide of Fears goes out. I'm really starting to map this all out Thank You Thais & PDS
so grateful i discovered before my DA asked me if they should continue to fight for us because my initial reaction was confusion as felt like i'd been the only one but instead reassured them & expressed appreciation at the time then reviewed our relationship through what i'd learned their perspective might be which helped me see the ways they probably had felt they'd "chased" me, etc i often remember a story thais has shared about DAs being unlikely to ever spontaneously write you a love poem but will ensure you always have your favorite ice cream in the fridge 💜 i get for some that's not "good enough" or whatever & imagine being an FA with c-ptsd plays a big part for me but better understanding how my DA *does* show they care & taking each other into consideration is priceless for me
That is sad that you consider ,,priceless" a form of love that is never clearly understood without a video,to decipher what those crumbs mean. Being someone with c-ptsd you deserve a positive,complex and new experience of how it is to receive a more abundant form of love,not to repeat the deprived of emotions lifestyle you had in childhood and be greatful for it.Sounds like pink glasses.
@GalaxySamsung9090Galaxy i see the majority of your comments have been targeting a fairly secure DA with negativity which i think is "sad" as is your condescending faux compassion replying to me 🤨 i've had suffocating, manipulative, "abundant" love from some who aren't DA before & *much* prefer the respectful, accepting, responsive love DAs offer plus how they naturally encourage & reinforce working on becoming more secure rather than expecting codependency & playing the blame game like those who criticize DAs often display you've no idea what caused my c-ptsd including if it's even from childhood & your presumptions show a fundamental lack of understanding about FAs, unsurprising as you also show you don't get DAs 👋
Sick and tired about hearing about Avoidants and how to deal with them, as if there's a snowball's chance in hell of having a successful relationship with them. In probably 99% of cases, there's no hope! I'll have to stop watching videos about Avoidants and move onto something else more fulfilling.
After 3 years of INTERACTING w/my DA.. L... From Entertaing a Situationship, to the lack of effort, to the Gaslighting, Deflecting, Projecting, merry-go-round 🎠, rollercoaster 🎢 behavior, for MY OWN PEACE, I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!! He doesn't want to go to therapy! He doesn't want to get a life coach, etc. DAs have to be Super INTENTIONAL about doing the WORK! Once the y pursue that, I think that's the ONLY WAY they will pursue us!
Nothing wrong with people experiencing painful trauma in their past...But there's a whole lot wrong with it when people refuse to work on their issues & live much healthier lives.
I would love to see in the comments section where a avoidant actual made it work with someone. We are looking for any glimmer of hope, but people tend to prove us right so nothing changes.
FA and AP can't make the DA do the work, be self-aware so walking away to work on ourselves and find a reciprocal Partner that is interested in self development is the success.
i would love to see in the comments section where avoidants aren't bashed because even when they've been vulnerable enough to share their perspective others often reply directly to them with negativity which sure isn't going to encourage them to share i'm an FA who prefers DAs (romantically & platonically) so have faced similar reactions just for even daring to share what pds has shared (like DAs are the attachment style *least* likely to be narcissists, have the highest completion rate, etc) let alone if positive personal experiences with DAs there are *lots* of success stories with DAs - thais has shared countless positive examples & even married a DA! the co-host of her podcast was a DA, there are DAs who coach & facilitate with pds, etc.
@@zombiemolly9711 *not* the "same mo" as not the same motivations, nor same best ways to deal with them & potential outcomes - admittedly *some* behaviors may *seem* similar if strictly focus strictly on superficialities but as one with c-ptsd partly from growing up & procreating with narcissists the fundamental differences are as clear as they are important imo narcissists want to control their "supply" & there's basically zero chance of a relationship with one being healthy whereas DAs want to protect themselves & the dynamic can actually encourage as well as reinforce *both* becoming more secure but unfortunately many prefer to play the blame game refusing to consider *their* part which will "prove [the DA] right so nothing changes"
They do some of the same actions, so to the recipient it appears and feels about the same. The only difference is really in the intent, and that’s only clear to the person who is doing the pull away, ghosting, and other behaviors. Both DA and narcissist are themselves unhealthy individuals with poor communication skills.
I feel also like not chasing may also be their love language in that they see you pull away and they know when THEY pull away they need space, so they give that to you in an attempt at treating how they prefer at times.
I recently had a relationship with an avoidant end after almost a year and I'm devastated because we both really enjoyed our time together and their was a definite connection. We never fought or argued, but he kept me at arms length and sabotaged things often. He was fearful and avoided committing fully to the situation. He often said he liked his freedom and alone time and didn't want to give that up and made excuses for not wanting to commit. Yet he often told me he was afraid of losing me, needed me and missed me, even after ending things. It has left me feeling lost, confused and very sad. I felt like we had something worth working on and building. I am not sure if he even realizes that he is an avoidant, I wouldn't even know how to bring it up to him at this point. I just really don't want things to end but I don't know if there is anything i can even do at this point.
I've been getting to know a guy for around 3 months that's really wonderful deep down behind the thick high walls of defense, however he's an obvious Avoidant that can't connect in a genuine meaningful way ever since he developed feelings for me so I'm probably going to gently drop the 💣 later because I've tried to bring up him suffering from having an avoidant attachment style & just been asking for bare basic emotional sharing & having a open dialogue but all he does is withdraw & unintentionally gaslight by sweeping it all under the rug.I'm sure it'll leave a big boo-boo on his ❤️ but I can't force people to go to therapy & do the self-work needed to recover ultimately😮💨🤷🏻♀️.Oh well it just opens up more 🚪s to try in life until eventually I open 1 with something healthy behind it👍🏻.
This is a good place to learn about the confusing behavior of this attachment style. I have empathy for my ex who was this. I seen one side of her that was such a wonderful person then it would change. We made it 34 years ubtil she walked the final time. I seen a very hurt person but on the other hand hurt people hurt people. Unless a person really decides that becoming vulnerable and with the support and love of a partner they are willing to do the work I feel that the relationship will not develop into a healthy satisfying experience. I wish her well but the experience ended in an indescribably painfull experience. You keep trying harder and harder and lose your personal perspective.
I just took your quiz with results saying I’m securely attached. That makes sense to me. I recently ended a one-year relationship after my partner said he thinks he’s just a lone wolf to the core and is happier alone but also said he really enjoys our time together too. He said he doesn’t think he can give me what I need. I had never heard of attachment styles until dealing with this. Everything was perfect with us aside from this sudden revelation. He even said I’m the first woman he’s considered being able to marry. We’re both in our late 40’s. Is this salvageable or move on?
Walk away dear, avoidant attachment styled people will SEEM normal & healthy at first but once they begin feeling more deeply attached, the fear will make them want to pull away.
So..what if you already told them they’re a DA lol..😂 I’m a FA and was like hey I’ve been learning about all this stuff and learned that I’m a fearful avoidant and I bet you’re a DA..would you be willing to learn more about this stuff? And he shockingly said “let me think about it” but never came back to it. That was probably a month or more ago. But our communication has gotten better I’d say. We’re not in a relationship but we’ve tried periodically off and on over the course of oh..30 years. We dated when we were 16, maybe 21, came back together after my husband died and he became single. We’re both in one 40’s now. It’s like we can’t stay apart but something is always “off.” I don’t know if that means we’re just totally wrong..yet something obviously works. It seems confusing for us both.
Wow, we have almost the same story 😂. We've known each other for 30 years, too (dated in high school. I was 17 & he was 16 lol). We were apart for 10 years. So, for the last 20 years, we've been off and on lol. He's DA and I'm FA lol. I tried telling him about attachment theory in 2021, and he seemed interested at first, even asking me to send him information on it. I sent him the info, and he said the DA & FA both sounded like him, to which i agreed cause at the time I had a hard time trying to figure out which one he was lol. I was very new to the attachment style world at the time, lol. Now I'm more versed in the subject, and I now believe he DA with a slightly secure side. But after I gave him the info and asked him what he thought about it, he kinda dismissed it lol and said something about not liking the idea of putting a label on himself. I think it made him feel like there was something "wrong" with him, like there's something else that's "negative" about him. Triggered his "I am bad" core wound. So needles to say, we never talked about it again. BUT if I'm specifically able to point out his avoidant behavior in a certain situation, he will look at it from my point of view and even agree with me and try to work on it, but he's still not ready to call himself an avoidant, let alone a dismissive avoidant lol
@@daniellediaz2516 oh wow! I feel so not alone and weird in this world! Yay! 😁 lol. Yeah mine said awhile ago how he doesn’t like labels..I don’t think he was talking about relationships but more about how I kinda label everything. I’m a psych major..so I do tend to analyze the shit out of everything. Trying to chill on that. But that kinda makes sense to my brain! In the meantime..we’re all just floating along on this rock, trying to figure things out I suppose 😂 good luck to us all!
@Jenishabadoo Im also a psychology lover, lol. Its so funny that we have these things in common 😅. So until I read your comment, I was a little embarrassed to say I've been in this dynamic for 2 decades but you sharing your situation, made me feel safe to share mine lol. Thank you for that! 😊✨️. I'm wishing us the best of luck as well!! 🤍
fellow FA (& cognitive sciences nerd 🤓) with a DA who isn't fond of "labels." though i haven't *directly* told them i'm very sure they're a DA, i've shared many times how similar they & my adult child are separately from sharing how my adult child agreed they're a DA & how much better understanding their perspective has improved our relationship - which is all true! i've also shared several times about how frustrating i find it that many (including some other "coaches," etc) seem more interested in playing the blame game than actually understanding others or working on their own issues (partly to hopefully help prevent triggering their "defective"/etc wounds if they look into it but mostly because it really does get to me) we didn't meet quite as long ago as y'all, but the 7yrs since we did have included a fair bit of on/off again with an undeniable connection that we both always return to though since i discovered pds & started working on things more our relationship overall has been progressing *knock on wood* 😇 i've also realized i've always personally preferred DAs romantically & platonically
What should an avoidant (who knows they are an avoidant and does their best to stop themselves from running away when things are difficult) but their anxious partner is often commenting that they are always doing what is easiest for them, and the anxious want to say “if I did what was easiest for me I would be single, but i stay because i love you even though it’s not easy” but doesn’t say that because it would cause more issues? What should they do? Keep their mouth shut and just shove it down like they do everything else. Say something? If the latter, how do you express it?
thank you for sharing this 💜 i'm an FA whose loved my DA for nearly 7yrs but only discovered pds about 1.5yrs which has helped me start to better understand where they're coming from & though i admittedly still struggle a lot, i can't imagine ever saying something as invalidating so idk how much my perspective might help *personally* i'd really appreciate my partner telling me what you expressed (though definitely when things are calm rather than when either of us are upset) & never want them to "keep their mouth shut & just shove it down like they do everything else" as that just feeds my anxiety so even unpleasant things are better than a vacuum does the anxious person know about attachment theory as well? i've found dynamics with DAs can naturally encourage & reinforce working on becoming more secure as the more i grow the more i can respect DAs needs without personalizing them which seems to increase how comfortable DA is as well imo an avoidant *absolutely* deserves to not only share their perspective but have their efforts validated - my DA asked me once if they should keep fighting for us which confused me as honestly had no idea what they were referring to but when reviewed our relationship through their pov i could see things differently perhaps the avoidant approaching this subject from a place of reassuring the anxious one vs defending themself might help it be received? something like "i know you've often said i just do what's easiest for me so might not understand how hard i actually try for our relationship because i love you & i want to reassure you that if i were only concerned with what's easiest i'd be single" if the avoidant feels safe enough, it seems it'd probably also be good to share how having their efforts minimized & disregarded impacts them as i imagine it'd be incredibly discouraging & make them less inclined to open up or eventually even continue trying to make the relationship work which it doesn't appear either want
I would like to talk to my ex again but it hurts so much I just don't see myself being able to do it. I have an anxious attachment this is just been so hard... I miss him. I would like to tell him but I know he doesn't care.
As a DA, I find chasing disrespectful. When I need space and someone comes chasing after me, I feel threatened. And I would never do it to another person.
Well then y'all should set clear and healthy boundaries with people, letting them know what are your thresholds instead of letting people blindly give you more of what you don't want thinking they're trying to win you over. Be an adult and say what you need instead of ghosting, stonewalling and gaslighting.
@@ClearandHealthyBoundaries well I'm a woman, and setting boundaries only works with other women. The moment you set a boundary with a man, especially an anxious man, he takes it as a challenge to overcome.
I’m very familiar with attachment styles. I was getting to know this man . Very nice and respectful man. I knew right away he was avoidant. I’m NOW secure (used to be anxious) He completely opened up to me and his inner world on how an avoidant thinks. Long story short we were talking for a month and then he told me all of a sudden he was moving states! When the night before he told me loved me 🙄. The day he was leaving he expressed how he really didn’t want to leave but that he had to. He ended up leaving and said it was because he was getting too attached to me and that he couldn’t fall in love because that would mess him up emotionally. Smh.
Be thankful he's gone, you dodged a cannonball😅.I've been getting to know an avoidant guy for 3 months & he's been pulling back BAD because I honestly 💭 he's developed feelings of love for me...I'm going to have to likely gently drop the 💣 soon & walk away.I hope it doesn't set off panic in him eventually when he realizes I'm gone😅.
I am very stuck right now, I am an AP Empath: although being with my DA partner for 14yrs I feel that I have taken on many of the DA traits, and that does NOT feel like "Me", so my own personal mental health is struggling as a result. We have been completely sexless for 8yrs (partners doing). How can I possibly bridge this type of intimacy gap?
What if they are not an ex-just an acquaintance. There was a strong physical attraction there. A seed of fear was planted in this persons head and now the person has become avoidant. They respond to text messages and claim they still “want to hang out sometime.” Do you think no contact for a while will work and then when they see eachother again the attraction can be reignited? The longest there has been “no contact was only 2/12 weeks. I’m thinking it needs a few months to dissipate the fear the avoidant has
If they're not willing to do the work to gradually recover, walk away & stay away... People with healthy secure attachments get tired of these unhealthy dynamics in not too long & understand that it isn't our place to try to be someone else's therapist or to try to save them from themselves.Seek a relationship that's healthy & reciprocal in nature so it's fulfilling for both people❤️🩹👍🏻👍🏻.
Hello Thais. I feel that i an FA leaning heavily towards being dismissive. I have been interested in a man that i believe is dismissive. I believe based on my interactions with him, that he also has a strong interest in me as well. We have discussed the possibility of going out but haven't taken the initiative to do so yet. This has gone on for several years. I recall you had done a video on dismissive and dismissive relationship patterns previously. You said these patterns can change if the parties involved are willing to do the work. Could you possibly do another video on that topic? The content you consistently put out has been so beneficial to me. Thank you❤❤❤
This compelling video brings back terrible memories of my recent breakup after four years of dating. My dearest friend made the decision to go, and I was left with an inexhaustible hurt. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him, much as I keep trying to make amends. I'm frustrated. I want to write about how much I miss him here because I can't seem to get him out of my head.
I understand how hard it is to let go of someone you love; after a five-year relationship ended, I was unable to simply let him go; instead, I tried everything to get him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance.
I appreciate you providing this important information; I've just checked him up online. striking I just checked Father Obah Eze online, and wow, he's really genuine. Thank you so much again ❤
@@Mia1827 nice spam, if you check your history, you said a 7 year relationship in your last post, but now say 5 year. Each of your posts has the same thread- you post some bs story then someone responds about "father obe". This is misleading spam so everyone reading this should report you
@@360ODYSY there's a difference between being chased and being pursued. She has every right to want to be pursued by men, because that's what men are supposed to do. Chasing someone implies that the other person is running away, and I agree that no one should be chasing anyone else.
I've experienced it. One particular FA/DA can't fully consistently commit, but regrets leaving and returns after several months. That cycle repeated 6-7 times... thing is, he can't prevent his pull away. So I move on.
Hi i tried to do no contact for 30 days and started to have a casual talk until i tried to ask about the relationship and he didnt liked the way i tried to talk and he said that i dont want to be a relationship with you. I told him that thank you for giving me the closure i need. Can this still be worked to get back? What should be done? The ex is an FA.
A question my ex is in a new relationship and yet sharing self sabotaging and sad quotes even a post about avoidant vs anxious, I’ve had missed calls a lot lately one hung up soon as I said hello, I’m wondering if this is all her?
Well I can’t say if this is her but the DA will typically rebound, monkey branch to help with the pain they’re feeling. They’ll also want to keep you in their orbit, fearing losing you altogether. Don’t look too much into that. You could be future rebound, validation hits, ways to soothe their pains. Avoidants want to be and feel loved too, they just can’t maintain it for too long.
@@salvomig2368 thank you for your insights I knew most of this but yeah it might not be her but I gathered it’s a rebound I am hurting in this although I’ve been working on understanding our attachment styles and healing and mental health ofc I miss my girl but i appreciate you saying this it feels I’m still in her orbit yet we haven’t spoke in months
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I chased a woman I was in a relationship with years ago. I learned from that experience that you should never chase ANYONE. If you have to chase them, it means they're running away.
In the years since, I've always pursued, but never chased a woman I had interest in. This taught me to be able to recognize the women who reciprocated my interest versus the ones that didn't do I wouldn't waste my time.
Another incredible and much appreciated share from Sifu! Thank you, I appreciate your consistent support and shares! 💜
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool you're welcome! Thanks for the daily, consistent content!
What’s the difference between chasing and pursuing?
@@biancae1059I would say that chasing comes from a neediness and going after someone who is running away.
Pursuing is to move towards someone who is moving away but not out of avoidance. They might not yet know you are interested.
As the pursuer I have to watch out for when I switch to chasing. That will scare any securely attached woman away.
@@stevenmorris5562 thank you! 😊 I understand this clearly!
As I watch this enthralling video, it resurrects the painful memories of my recent breakup-a relationship of three years that ended just two months ago. The Man who meant everything to me decided to leave, plunging me into a vortex of heartache. Despite my desperate attempts to reconcile, I find myself trapped in a cycle of frustration and longing, unable to envision a life without him . Despite my efforts to move forward, I find solace in expressing my lingering affection for him here .
Releasing your grip on someone you deeply care about can be a formidable challenge. I found myself in a comparable predicament when my 5 year relationship came to an end. I exhausted every avenue to reunite with her, eventually turning to a spiritual advisor for guidance, whose intervention bring us back.
Remarkable! How did you discover a spiritual counselor.
The spiritual counselor is Suzanne Ann Walters .
I appreciate this invaluable information; I've just searched for her online .
It’s amazing someone can do it so fast.
"Hidden" reasons or not, after a YEAR of this, I had no choice but to walk away...my sanity depended on it.
Thank you for your share! Give yourself credit for acknowledging that and putting yourself first! Keep up the great work and wishing you all the best on your healing journey! ❤🩹
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thanks Thais, your videos have given me the "closure" that I really couldn't get to for some reason (I am normally secure, but started to spiral emotionally). THAT was the wakeup call I needed. I stopped idealizing and reality jolted me out of this profoundly toxic relationship.
@jaffrey1319 did you notice how they could chase before they became slightly into you.. it sucks how fast they turn off the switch
@@jaffrey1319I'm glad you walked away. It's so easy for your mental health to start spiralling, no matter how secure you are normally!
@@lindatannock funny because I find people who trigger me help me discover things about myself that were hidden deep inside. There are reasons for triggers and they usually stem from somewhere far before your relationship. When I'm triggered I sit in it until I figure out why. So oddly enough, I'm grateful for them.
I'm glad you're incorporating more of the importance of realizing when to walk away in your avoidance videos. I've been watching for years, just as a reminder of what to look for and prevent future heartbreak... Avoidants are great when you first meet them, but you have to know when to hold em and when to fold em.
😅
But she has always done that. She always makes sure to talk about boundaries .
Not wanting them to chase me,just put in the effort and communicate!
All the discussions about communication during the relationship, what happened? Sadly she left, and nothing for 8 months. 😕
Hi! First time I hear you mention the Flaw Finding is a temporary thing until Feelings are back online when the tide of Fears goes out.
I'm really starting to map this all out
Thank You Thais & PDS
so grateful i discovered before my DA asked me if they should continue to fight for us because my initial reaction was confusion as felt like i'd been the only one but instead reassured them & expressed appreciation at the time then reviewed our relationship through what i'd learned their perspective might be which helped me see the ways they probably had felt they'd "chased" me, etc
i often remember a story thais has shared about DAs being unlikely to ever spontaneously write you a love poem but will ensure you always have your favorite ice cream in the fridge 💜 i get for some that's not "good enough" or whatever & imagine being an FA with c-ptsd plays a big part for me but better understanding how my DA *does* show they care & taking each other into consideration is priceless for me
That is sad that you consider ,,priceless" a form of love that is never clearly understood without a video,to decipher what those crumbs mean.
Being someone with c-ptsd you deserve a positive,complex and new experience of how it is to receive a more abundant form of love,not to repeat the deprived of emotions lifestyle you had in childhood and be greatful for it.Sounds like pink glasses.
@GalaxySamsung9090Galaxy i see the majority of your comments have been targeting a fairly secure DA with negativity which i think is "sad" as is your condescending faux compassion replying to me 🤨
i've had suffocating, manipulative, "abundant" love from some who aren't DA before & *much* prefer the respectful, accepting, responsive love DAs offer plus how they naturally encourage & reinforce working on becoming more secure rather than expecting codependency & playing the blame game like those who criticize DAs often display
you've no idea what caused my c-ptsd including if it's even from childhood & your presumptions show a fundamental lack of understanding about FAs, unsurprising as you also show you don't get DAs 👋
I’m finally walking away from a DA. It’s too painful to keep trying and get nothing in return.
Sick and tired about hearing about Avoidants and how to deal with them, as if there's a snowball's chance in hell of having a successful relationship with them. In probably 99% of cases, there's no hope! I'll have to stop watching videos about Avoidants and move onto something else more fulfilling.
Yup, that’s always a choice 👍🏽
Hi Thais. Been tuning in to you for a while now. Just want to say how much I appreciate you 🙏
After 3 years of INTERACTING w/my DA.. L... From Entertaing a Situationship, to the lack of effort, to the Gaslighting, Deflecting, Projecting, merry-go-round 🎠, rollercoaster 🎢 behavior, for MY OWN PEACE, I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!!
He doesn't want to go to therapy! He doesn't want to get a life coach, etc. DAs have to be Super INTENTIONAL about doing the WORK! Once the y pursue that, I think that's the ONLY WAY they will pursue us!
Who cares if an so-called "avoidant" chases or not, the world is full of regular people without mental and emotional trauma
Nothing wrong with people experiencing painful trauma in their past...But there's a whole lot wrong with it when people refuse to work on their issues & live much healthier lives.
I would love to see in the comments section where a avoidant actual made it work with someone. We are looking for any glimmer of hope, but people tend to prove us right so nothing changes.
FA and AP can't make the DA do the work, be self-aware so walking away to work on ourselves and find a reciprocal Partner that is interested in self development is the success.
i would love to see in the comments section where avoidants aren't bashed because even when they've been vulnerable enough to share their perspective others often reply directly to them with negativity which sure isn't going to encourage them to share
i'm an FA who prefers DAs (romantically & platonically) so have faced similar reactions just for even daring to share what pds has shared (like DAs are the attachment style *least* likely to be narcissists, have the highest completion rate, etc) let alone if positive personal experiences with DAs
there are *lots* of success stories with DAs - thais has shared countless positive examples & even married a DA! the co-host of her podcast was a DA, there are DAs who coach & facilitate with pds, etc.
@@r_and_aDA are often confused with Narcissists. … … same MO… different feelings.
@@zombiemolly9711 *not* the "same mo" as not the same motivations, nor same best ways to deal with them & potential outcomes - admittedly *some* behaviors may *seem* similar if strictly focus strictly on superficialities but as one with c-ptsd partly from growing up & procreating with narcissists the fundamental differences are as clear as they are important imo
narcissists want to control their "supply" & there's basically zero chance of a relationship with one being healthy whereas DAs want to protect themselves & the dynamic can actually encourage as well as reinforce *both* becoming more secure but unfortunately many prefer to play the blame game refusing to consider *their* part which will "prove [the DA] right so nothing changes"
They do some of the same actions, so to the recipient it appears and feels about the same. The only difference is really in the intent, and that’s only clear to the person who is doing the pull away, ghosting, and other behaviors. Both DA and narcissist are themselves unhealthy individuals with poor communication skills.
I feel also like not chasing may also be their love language in that they see you pull away and they know when THEY pull away they need space, so they give that to you in an attempt at treating how they prefer at times.
I recently had a relationship with an avoidant end after almost a year and I'm devastated because we both really enjoyed our time together and their was a definite connection. We never fought or argued, but he kept me at arms length and sabotaged things often. He was fearful and avoided committing fully to the situation. He often said he liked his freedom and alone time and didn't want to give that up and made excuses for not wanting to commit. Yet he often told me he was afraid of losing me, needed me and missed me, even after ending things. It has left me feeling lost, confused and very sad. I felt like we had something worth working on and building. I am not sure if he even realizes that he is an avoidant, I wouldn't even know how to bring it up to him at this point. I just really don't want things to end but I don't know if there is anything i can even do at this point.
I've been getting to know a guy for around 3 months that's really wonderful deep down behind the thick high walls of defense, however he's an obvious Avoidant that can't connect in a genuine meaningful way ever since he developed feelings for me so I'm probably going to gently drop the 💣 later because I've tried to bring up him suffering from having an avoidant attachment style & just been asking for bare basic emotional sharing & having a open dialogue but all he does is withdraw & unintentionally gaslight by sweeping it all under the rug.I'm sure it'll leave a big boo-boo on his ❤️ but I can't force people to go to therapy & do the self-work needed to recover ultimately😮💨🤷🏻♀️.Oh well it just opens up more 🚪s to try in life until eventually I open 1 with something healthy behind it👍🏻.
This is a good place to learn about the confusing behavior of this attachment style. I have empathy for my ex who was this. I seen one side of her that was such a wonderful person then it would change. We made it 34 years ubtil she walked the final time. I seen a very hurt person but on the other hand hurt people hurt people. Unless a person really decides that becoming vulnerable and with the support and love of a partner they are willing to do the work I feel that the relationship will not develop into a healthy satisfying experience. I wish her well but the experience ended in an indescribably painfull experience. You keep trying harder and harder and lose your personal perspective.
I just took your quiz with results saying I’m securely attached. That makes sense to me. I recently ended a one-year relationship after my partner said he thinks he’s just a lone wolf to the core and is happier alone but also said he really enjoys our time together too. He said he doesn’t think he can give me what I need. I had never heard of attachment styles until dealing with this. Everything was perfect with us aside from this sudden revelation. He even said I’m the first woman he’s considered being able to marry. We’re both in our late 40’s. Is this salvageable or move on?
Run!!
Walk away dear, avoidant attachment styled people will SEEM normal & healthy at first but once they begin feeling more deeply attached, the fear will make them want to pull away.
We had the attachment style talk and my textbook DA wife thinks she's 100% secure...
Lol, I've had "that" talk before...
That's so common, being self-aware is tough but to avoidant even their own truths must be very counter-productive in lide
So..what if you already told them they’re a DA lol..😂 I’m a FA and was like hey I’ve been learning about all this stuff and learned that I’m a fearful avoidant and I bet you’re a DA..would you be willing to learn more about this stuff? And he shockingly said “let me think about it” but never came back to it. That was probably a month or more ago. But our communication has gotten better I’d say. We’re not in a relationship but we’ve tried periodically off and on over the course of oh..30 years. We dated when we were 16, maybe 21, came back together after my husband died and he became single. We’re both in one 40’s now. It’s like we can’t stay apart but something is always “off.” I don’t know if that means we’re just totally wrong..yet something obviously works. It seems confusing for us both.
Wow, we have almost the same story 😂. We've known each other for 30 years, too (dated in high school. I was 17 & he was 16 lol). We were apart for 10 years. So, for the last 20 years, we've been off and on lol. He's DA and I'm FA lol. I tried telling him about attachment theory in 2021, and he seemed interested at first, even asking me to send him information on it. I sent him the info, and he said the DA & FA both sounded like him, to which i agreed cause at the time I had a hard time trying to figure out which one he was lol. I was very new to the attachment style world at the time, lol. Now I'm more versed in the subject, and I now believe he DA with a slightly secure side. But after I gave him the info and asked him what he thought about it, he kinda dismissed it lol and said something about not liking the idea of putting a label on himself. I think it made him feel like there was something "wrong" with him, like there's something else that's "negative" about him. Triggered his "I am bad" core wound. So needles to say, we never talked about it again. BUT if I'm specifically able to point out his avoidant behavior in a certain situation, he will look at it from my point of view and even agree with me and try to work on it, but he's still not ready to call himself an avoidant, let alone a dismissive avoidant lol
@@daniellediaz2516 oh wow! I feel so not alone and weird in this world! Yay! 😁 lol. Yeah mine said awhile ago how he doesn’t like labels..I don’t think he was talking about relationships but more about how I kinda label everything. I’m a psych major..so I do tend to analyze the shit out of everything. Trying to chill on that. But that kinda makes sense to my brain! In the meantime..we’re all just floating along on this rock, trying to figure things out I suppose 😂 good luck to us all!
@Jenishabadoo
Im also a psychology lover, lol. Its so funny that we have these things in common 😅. So until I read your comment, I was a little embarrassed to say I've been in this dynamic for 2 decades but you sharing your situation, made me feel safe to share mine lol. Thank you for that! 😊✨️. I'm wishing us the best of luck as well!! 🤍
fellow FA (& cognitive sciences nerd 🤓) with a DA who isn't fond of "labels." though i haven't *directly* told them i'm very sure they're a DA, i've shared many times how similar they & my adult child are separately from sharing how my adult child agreed they're a DA & how much better understanding their perspective has improved our relationship - which is all true!
i've also shared several times about how frustrating i find it that many (including some other "coaches," etc) seem more interested in playing the blame game than actually understanding others or working on their own issues (partly to hopefully help prevent triggering their "defective"/etc wounds if they look into it but mostly because it really does get to me)
we didn't meet quite as long ago as y'all, but the 7yrs since we did have included a fair bit of on/off again with an undeniable connection that we both always return to though since i discovered pds & started working on things more our relationship overall has been progressing *knock on wood* 😇 i've also realized i've always personally preferred DAs romantically & platonically
Same off n on 10 years
really liked this video
What should an avoidant (who knows they are an avoidant and does their best to stop themselves from running away when things are difficult) but their anxious partner is often commenting that they are always doing what is easiest for them, and the anxious want to say “if I did what was easiest for me I would be single, but i stay because i love you even though it’s not easy” but doesn’t say that because it would cause more issues? What should they do? Keep their mouth shut and just shove it down like they do everything else. Say something? If the latter, how do you express it?
thank you for sharing this 💜 i'm an FA whose loved my DA for nearly 7yrs but only discovered pds about 1.5yrs which has helped me start to better understand where they're coming from & though i admittedly still struggle a lot, i can't imagine ever saying something as invalidating so idk how much my perspective might help
*personally* i'd really appreciate my partner telling me what you expressed (though definitely when things are calm rather than when either of us are upset) & never want them to "keep their mouth shut & just shove it down like they do everything else" as that just feeds my anxiety so even unpleasant things are better than a vacuum
does the anxious person know about attachment theory as well? i've found dynamics with DAs can naturally encourage & reinforce working on becoming more secure as the more i grow the more i can respect DAs needs without personalizing them which seems to increase how comfortable DA is as well
imo an avoidant *absolutely* deserves to not only share their perspective but have their efforts validated - my DA asked me once if they should keep fighting for us which confused me as honestly had no idea what they were referring to but when reviewed our relationship through their pov i could see things differently
perhaps the avoidant approaching this subject from a place of reassuring the anxious one vs defending themself might help it be received? something like "i know you've often said i just do what's easiest for me so might not understand how hard i actually try for our relationship because i love you & i want to reassure you that if i were only concerned with what's easiest i'd be single"
if the avoidant feels safe enough, it seems it'd probably also be good to share how having their efforts minimized & disregarded impacts them as i imagine it'd be incredibly discouraging & make them less inclined to open up or eventually even continue trying to make the relationship work which it doesn't appear either want
I would like to talk to my ex again but it hurts so much I just don't see myself being able to do it. I have an anxious attachment this is just been so hard... I miss him. I would like to tell him but I know he doesn't care.
As a DA, I find chasing disrespectful. When I need space and someone comes chasing after me, I feel threatened. And I would never do it to another person.
I agree. I can be interested in someone but if they start chasing too hard I completely lose interest. You have to have a balance.
Well then y'all should set clear and healthy boundaries with people, letting them know what are your thresholds instead of letting people blindly give you more of what you don't want thinking they're trying to win you over. Be an adult and say what you need instead of ghosting, stonewalling and gaslighting.
@@ClearandHealthyBoundaries well I'm a woman, and setting boundaries only works with other women. The moment you set a boundary with a man, especially an anxious man, he takes it as a challenge to overcome.
read the forbidden book Magnetic Aura on Borlest, and you'll see the secrets they're keeping from us.
I’m very familiar with attachment styles. I was getting to know this man . Very nice and respectful man. I knew right away he was avoidant. I’m NOW secure (used to be anxious) He completely opened up to me and his inner world on how an avoidant thinks. Long story short we were talking for a month and then he told me all of a sudden he was moving states! When the night before he told me loved me 🙄. The day he was leaving he expressed how he really didn’t want to leave but that he had to. He ended up leaving and said it was because he was getting too attached to me and that he couldn’t fall in love because that would mess him up emotionally. Smh.
Be thankful he's gone, you dodged a cannonball😅.I've been getting to know an avoidant guy for 3 months & he's been pulling back BAD because I honestly 💭 he's developed feelings of love for me...I'm going to have to likely gently drop the 💣 soon & walk away.I hope it doesn't set off panic in him eventually when he realizes I'm gone😅.
I am very stuck right now, I am an AP Empath: although being with my DA partner for 14yrs I feel that I have taken on many of the DA traits, and that does NOT feel like "Me", so my own personal mental health is struggling as a result. We have been completely sexless for 8yrs (partners doing). How can I possibly bridge this type of intimacy gap?
When would it be correct to chase someone who's pulling away? Why are they pulling away in the first place?
Fear of emotional intimacy & getting hurt again.
Some know themselves quite or very well, so:
What would be the most likely outcome if you send them a link to this video?
best!!!
What if they are not an ex-just an acquaintance. There was a strong physical attraction there. A seed of fear was planted in this persons head and now the person has become avoidant. They respond to text messages and claim they still “want to hang out sometime.”
Do you think no contact for a while will work and then when they see eachother again the attraction can be reignited? The longest there has been “no contact was only 2/12 weeks. I’m thinking it needs a few months to dissipate the fear the avoidant has
If they're not willing to do the work to gradually recover, walk away & stay away... People with healthy secure attachments get tired of these unhealthy dynamics in not too long & understand that it isn't our place to try to be someone else's therapist or to try to save them from themselves.Seek a relationship that's healthy & reciprocal in nature so it's fulfilling for both people❤️🩹👍🏻👍🏻.
Hello Thais. I feel that i an FA leaning heavily towards being dismissive. I have been interested in a man that i believe is dismissive. I believe based on my interactions with him, that he also has a strong interest in me as well. We have discussed the possibility of going out but haven't taken the initiative to do so yet. This has gone on for several years. I recall you had done a video on dismissive and dismissive relationship patterns previously. You said these patterns can change if the parties involved are willing to do the work. Could you possibly do another video on that topic? The content you consistently put out has been so beneficial to me. Thank you❤❤❤
This compelling video brings back terrible memories of my recent breakup after four years of dating. My dearest friend made the decision to go, and I was left with an inexhaustible hurt. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him, much as I keep trying to make amends. I'm frustrated. I want to write about how much I miss him here because I can't seem to get him out of my head.
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this format really suits me
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Sucks when the man is the avoidant. Men need to be the pursuers! So if I have to pursue a man it makes me feel masculine. Not attractive!
If you care more about affirming your gender than chasing your love interest he is better off without you
@@360ODYSY No! I’m better off without his toxic a$$!
@@360ODYSY you must be an avoidant man and didn’t like hearing the truth on how your behavior effects a woman and the relationship.
Exactly. As a woman chasing a man is gross. I show interest and I reciprocate it would be nice if they take the lead
@@360ODYSY there's a difference between being chased and being pursued. She has every right to want to be pursued by men, because that's what men are supposed to do. Chasing someone implies that the other person is running away, and I agree that no one should be chasing anyone else.
Even if i want to move on and run away, i can't. We have kids. 😩
Oh my God. Seriously we need a video about what happens when you have kids. Co parenting seems like it will be disaster.
Heu guys have you seen a video where an avoidants tries to get back with their SP ?
Or are we just completely disillusioned
I've experienced it. One particular FA/DA can't fully consistently commit, but regrets leaving and returns after several months. That cycle repeated 6-7 times... thing is, he can't prevent his pull away. So I move on.
this video’s take really clicks with some of the things I've been reading in ebook magnetic aura from Borlest
Hey Lulu ily
Hi i tried to do no contact for 30 days and started to have a casual talk until i tried to ask about the relationship and he didnt liked the way i tried to talk and he said that i dont want to be a relationship with you.
I told him that thank you for giving me the closure i need.
Can this still be worked to get back? What should be done?
The ex is an FA.
A question my ex is in a new relationship and yet sharing self sabotaging and sad quotes even a post about avoidant vs anxious, I’ve had missed calls a lot lately one hung up soon as I said hello, I’m wondering if this is all her?
Well I can’t say if this is her but the DA will typically rebound, monkey branch to help with the pain they’re feeling. They’ll also want to keep you in their orbit, fearing losing you altogether. Don’t look too much into that. You could be future rebound, validation hits, ways to soothe their pains. Avoidants want to be and feel loved too, they just can’t maintain it for too long.
@@salvomig2368 thank you for your insights I knew most of this but yeah it might not be her but I gathered it’s a rebound I am hurting in this although I’ve been working on understanding our attachment styles and healing and mental health ofc I miss my girl but i appreciate you saying this it feels I’m still in her orbit yet we haven’t spoke in months
@@salvomig2368 Yeah, no. Most DAs abandon relationships completely after a breakup. The rebounders are a tiny percentage of DAs.
Not true. They do. But it looks like breadcrumbs…
Lol. FA's don't chase... they stalk 😂