@@catherined6399 Okay! Can you start working on the (mis) belief that other people have to approve of what you want, need, think or feel in order for those things to matter?
Defensiveness is a telling sign of insecurity/low self-esteem. I used to be very defensive at times (because I was insecure and had low self-esteem). I've since learned that part of having good self-esteem is being ok with not needing approval from others. It's something that I share with people as well.
Sandra, I'm going to lovingly challenge that. It's not the people who are being mean or disrespectful that's making you defensive - it's your thoughts about what they are saying that is making you defensive. You think those things they are saying mean something about you, but they don't. You think you need to make them understand or see things differently, but they don't. Their words don't mean anything about you, unless you think they do.
Reader She's talking about taking responsibility for your own body, your own thoughts, your own feelings and their result, regardless of what other people are saying or doing. If they don't matter, if they're so mean, then what they say has zero worth. But responding and defending gives their words the power that they wanted from you.
@@juliakristinamah I've been in therapy a few years now and have learned that I am who I am because of my abusive parent. I feel like I have to defend myself so I don't get beaten or as a means of survival. Learning to not defend yourself is not easy. But, each time you ignore or walk away from a comment or critique you know was said to get a reaction from you, it becomes easier each time. I agree with Julia, I will think about the comment or critique a little bit, see what I can learn from it, and then move on. I find that the person making the comment feels unfulfilled because you have not responded or reacted. From there, they may continue by defending or justifying their statement, or worse try to get you into the discussion, for which I will respond either of two ways: 1) you are entitled to your opinion, or 2) if you feel this way, you truly do not know me. I would love more suggestions.
I hate when people act like they know me, like coworkers that literally my interaction trough the day is "hi" "bye" idk why people get this delusion that just cause you see somebody everyday you know them, lol. It's like they literally create a whole persona out of nothing cause you give them nothing.
I've always struggled with needing to be "right" and I end up being ashamed of myself after I go off on people I love. Its frustrating because they're the people I should be the least defensive with.
Yes, my mom always would remind me, "It's not whose right, it's what's right. " Meaning just let it go. Julie you are so right...Let people believe whatever they want.
Yes it getting defensive. By definition. Like having immune system is getting defensive against germs. Psychologically defending yourself is not bad thing. a lot people especially men 🖤 men believe they deserve abuse from ♀️ We have huge homeless problem in richest country in the world because of divorce court bias because men DIDN'T get defensive against the feminine mystic claiming what should be considered Rent unpaid labor
Great video, I just realized that at 62 that I am a highly defensive person. I have always pushed and attacked everyone I come in contact with and going back to my earliest memories. This stops now. My loving wife has mentioned over the years that I do not seem happy and now I understand that I have a character flaw that needs to be addressed and I know that I can fix it and it must be fixed so I can tell her honestly that yes now I am happy because I want to be happy and share my happiness with others. I intended to treat myself like a recovering addict, so now I can never again think that I am being attacked during any conversation. I will need counselling and many books/ your type of videos to insure I stay nice. I started to make amends to all the people I have ever known. Thank you and yes yes yes I have subscribed, rang that bell 🔔 and downloaded this video for mediate use ie: my new Mantra.
My insecurities are insane :) I often find myself comparing myself to other people that I don’t even know, but they ask me something in my head so I can defend myself. Then I realize I am drifted out of my present moment, then self criticism comes home. And I am really trying to be normal person. Everyday.
For me my biggest struggle is tone. I think I could argue on just about anything, even topics I wouldn't care about or become defensive over. But if you ask me a question with a underlining accusative tone, ohhh boy herrreee we go! You could ask "why are you drinking water?!" But having that accusative tone automatically takes my brain from a happy water drinking brain to "well hey why am I getting this negative tone for doing absolutely nothing to deserve it" In those moments is extremely hard to not react defensively because I'm confused on what I did to deserve that tone, and when I get confused I become frustrated. And it's this cycle that never ends.
You made this specific video when I needed it most. I can't thank you enough for how much your work has helped me change my life to one I love living. Your insight helps us fight the good fight and changes the world one healing heart at a time. God bless you
Illissa! This just filled my heart. I am so happy for you. And you are feeling good because YOU decided you wanted more. YOU decided you were willing to do the work to get to better. YOU decided your life was worth loving. Grateful to have you here.
Ilissa, I love your comment about Julia changing your life. You are a champ for taking action to work on areas that are leading to greater joy! And Julia IS awesome for the way her consistent videos and heart for helping people are making an impact!
Thank you. I really needed to hear this. I relate most to the first point. That someone has judged or criticised me and I don't like how they view me. What has shifted for me is that why do I need them to see me in a certain way if I know who I am? This is life changing for me. Thank you so much.
This happens for me when I am feeling misunderstood. Recently I had two conversations with family & friends where I was feeling angry because they didn’t seem to understand me. The bigger reveal from your vid is to look closer at ‘Why’ I feel I need for them to understand me?? Thank you
This video was helpful. People pleasing or caring about what others think of me is a problem I’m working on. I know that I am a loved and valuable person. I make efforts to make good choices in life. I’m focusing on trusting God to lead me in the right path. If others disagree with my decisions, that’s their opinion and none of my concern. I want to leave defensiveness and insecurities behind!
This hit on the spot for me when I realize I defend myself at work if someone challenges why I did something. I’m so looking forward to letting it go and saying to myself “that’s how they see it” starting now.
Being defensive- for lack of a better way to put it, is kind of a no brainer when at the workplace. Think about it: if say, a supervisor treats you openly differently than the other people and you're working your butt off to gain enough momentum to maybe be in the 'in crowd' at work... I tried the stay quiet approach for a long time. It hasn't done anything to help me in this situation. Sometimes you have to have a voice. Sometimes we have to use our voice. Because quite honestly (sometimes) if we keep quiet we run the risk of being negatively impacted, at work, by the people or person with the erroneous opinion of us. This is a very ambiguous thing, very nuanced.
Mine is DEFINITELY because I dont want someone to have "that view" of me. Asking why I need them to have this opinion of myself to make it ok is such great advice!! Its OK for someone to not like something I did!
What you have described is someone who is not fully committed to their beliefs or opinions and as such can be reminded of that uncertainty. That is the basis of defensive attitudes. Maturity teaches us to hold truths based upon our experiences, and while my truths may be fully correct, partially correct or not at all, it’s true for me and I don’t need to make my reality your reality. Your experiences have formulated your beliefs which may be different from mine and that’s ok. No need to “lose it” when someone disagrees, simply remind yourself of who you are.
I struggle with this thought alot. I feel shameful for thinking it at times because I feel as though this is my pride or ego talking...But I think the grim reality of it is, as long as you know your right though willing to see another perspective. That's all that matters, because at the end it's all perception. The other person could argue the sky is green when it's blue and throw a fit over it, you just have to talk a pause and a deep breath and go "I agree that your perception of the sky is green, but that's not mine" and walk away. Because even though you want oh so badly for that person to say "yes the sky is blue" you may never get it, but what you can get is price of mineld ending the convo.
I think we have a strong need for validation especially from people whom we consider important and we love, our parents, our spouses, our family and friends. I find myself defensive with my husband very often, I found this video on a Sunday in morning, by Sunday evening I had an outburst of defending my work ethic. And I mean a BAD outburst. I know my heart and intentions, and it is important to me what my husband thinks but at this point Im tired of arguing , rebuttaling and the heated discussions
There are some personalities that release an assault, a barrage of criticism....unsolicited 'advice' - i.e. go to a different grocer (no one goes to that one), cook from written recipes (sends an example of a written recipe for food you have made that they like), clean the floor differently (repeats floor cleaning methods), change your front door (informs about sales on approved doorbell cameras, etc), you have the wrong floor plan in your home (explains superiority of their personal floorplan), you drive the wrong car (buys a new car & insists to always be the driver), your husband is not good (invites only 2 of your family for a mom/daughter party and on arrival there are fathers and brothers in attendance), your dog is not good (tells you how to leash, control and pen dog before they come over), you need to go to different restaurants (tells you where to go for discount cards for best places), you need to plan more parties (they 'deserve' to have a party hosted for them), on & on & on. I've NEVER felt so GOOD about ME as when I FINALLY kicked them out of MY life in Dec after a year of this & begging them to stop. I Never defended myself. I never had the opportunity to speak! I have NO idea why they Ever texted or called me? I am my Own Best Friend now! It's true, we don't have to defend ourselves.
Thank you for your heartfelt post. In reading your post i realized I can/am be that person telling you a better way to do things. My intent has not meant to be critical but to share my knowledge or save you from my bad experience. I have had issues with codependency and needing to be needed. I see now thru your post how I can be damaging those around me by possibly making them feel bad about themselves and I am going to work on changing that. Thank you for the thump on the head. 😎
@Beth Mitchell I gotta research that! Although, I'm pretty sure the experience speaks for itself. Who knew there was a diagnosis? She's raising a baby G.A.H.N. too! Sad.
Ever since my spiritual awakening the more my consciousness arises when I move among people I pay more attention to what they say and their words on the contrary I feel more defensive towards them because my feelings are important and I dont want them to hurt them. I feel I have to protect my sensitive core 🥺🥺🥺
My Therapist suggested that I watch this video and I did along with her. Two things really stuck out for me personally when listening to this, 1) My need or want to be right 2) Ego and wanting to be understood. WOW! These two right here were so on point. I didn't think that I was a egotistical person & never thought of it this way but it does make sense. Feeling like I have to defend my choices, or be judged , the way that I view things & more. I am working on me so that I can be the best me that I can. Having 'thin' skin is one of the areas I need to work on the other is listening. Thanks so much for this.
I grew up with people telling me who I am and not allowing me to be me. These were my authority figures so I had to take it. So as a young adult I had to start doing this thing where I said "no, that's not true about me, THIS is..." People took it as me being defensive but I always thought it was me just finally sticking up for myself and not taking abuse anymore. So am I being defensive when I do this?
As long as it’s coming from a place of authenticity and not insecurity, then that is exactly what you should do! I have had similar struggles going up and am 21 now, still fighting to know myself on a daily basis, and to discern properly if I should stand my ground in a situation, or take a step back and let things play out
Life becomes so much simpler when you realize you don't have to have an opinion on everything. A mark of maturity is choosing to be on the right side of an argument instead of the winning side. One way I tell if someone is really sorry vs gaslighting me is if they admit their intentions were good and apologize for failing in applying them instead of defending themselves by placing the blame on my "misunderstanding."
Thanks, im dealing with someone who isn't understanding my need to ask for space, tells me I'm selfish, also blaming me for something i didn't do & I'm massively struggling trying not to defend myself as i know that person won't listen 😢 glad I've come across this, I'll probably watch it a lot ❤
@@jillyjensen1776 I don’t think I get defensive anymore, but I am typically open as well - which can come across as being defensive. This is my biggest problem I think. For example, if a girl I am dating mentions something they notice about me, I am happy to explain my mindset regarding it - but this comes across as “defensive”. So instead of being open about my perspective, I’ve learned to just lovingly acknowledge people without explaining myself. To me, this feels worse - but it’s what most people want in response - just to be validated in their thoughts, rather than giving insight as to why.
Some people like myself just enjoy discourse I like engaging peoples thoughts and perspectives and understanding the way they view the world When disagreement occurs jokes come out and I typically make fun of their thought process to try to show them how ridiculous it is Most people dont respond too well "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy" Not mutually exclusive You can defend yourself, be right and be happy....
Julia someone very close to me is incredibly defensive. I can’t express my point of you with this person because this person will immediately defend their point of you and work hard to prove that I am wrong and they are right. Your video helps me.
The last one, I have the need to be understood, probably due childhood issues! 😕 Can you give some examples of frases we can use, that are not defensive?
This is a hard one for me. I’m always feeling the need to clarify. I feel quite misunderstood at times and am working on creating boundaries. I’m often told I’m too sensitive.
This video has helped me so much and now I know why I get super defensive even though I’m just a teenager. Throughout my life I have been criticized about the way I dress or the way that I look from someone, a specific someone, and that is what has led me to become extremely defensive. They don’t heavily criticize me anymore which is good, but something that has really opened my eye is that even when they made little comments about my hair for example, I would get extremely defensive even though they weren’t criticizing me. That’s when I knew, I wasn’t OK and I knew immediately that I needed to change my defensiveness.
It’s okay I hope your doing good, and everyone gets that way time to time, the fact that your acknowledging this is better because your going to become more self aware and suffer less because you know how to just listen and not assume that worst, or that someone’s put to get you for the way you dress or something, a lot of people aren’t self aware when it comes to this so have compassion and don’t judge others for not knowing better or being more self aware, but if it’s someone your dating and you tell them something that you might not agree with or like let them know not to get defense like try to teach or show them how not to be, and just be honest and supportive and let them know you not trying to attract them or that your out to get them you just want them to become better for the both of you
What I don’t like is a close family member judging my character and having false assumptions about my character which isn’t true. It just hurts your heart ❤️ especially if you have been kind and loving majority of the time in their lives. Or they bring up your past mistakes and throw it in your face, when they themselves have a lot to work on and mistakes they have also done. But, I’m learning not to waste energy clarifying my character to them. I think what you said is right. Allow them to think what they want of you and continue growing in your own journey. ❤
Hahaha! Last summer I bought a bloomin' onion at the state Fair, and needed to get it wrapped to go. They weren't totally prepared to do that easily, and so here I am apologizing and explaining why I made the request. The young gentleman looks at me and kindly says "ma'am, it's OK. No need to explain." I almost cried right there! I told him he was the first man who ever told me that. They were very nice people, and very accommodating. Can't tell you how great that simple comment made me feel!
@@juliakristinamah thank you! I didn't realize until just a few months ago how much I was feeling the need to defend and explain myself...to a certain individual especially, that it was so refreshing and eye-opening to be assured that it wasn't necessary for me to have to do that!
I'm so emotional and it's so hard to prove my self to my parents bc of that. They believe to know everything about me and we can't have a productive coversation. I'm college and it's still so difficult.
you will prove yourself to them over time. The way you live your life will show them. It took my mother 30 years to acknowledge that I'd picked the right career. Because her friends raved about me! I am a retired elementary art teacher, btw.
Thumbs up! Shutter down sounds like stonewalling and that along side defensiveness are two of the four horses of the apocalypse of a relationship. My friend and I have noticed that the pattern of defensiveness is a facet of immaturity and results in a toxic relationship. There's a lack of self-esteem from having inadequate quantity or quality of positive affirmations. CBT is urgently needed before being in a relationship. It's a matter of responsibility. Otherwise, there's a wake of suffering ex-love ones. The fear of being toxic should be higher than the fear of being attacked. The affirmation urgently needed is: don't take it personally. "People may attack you, criticize you or ignore you; they can crumple you out with their words, spit you out or even walk all over you, but remember, whatever they do or say, you will always keep your value." -- Frederik Imbo
This was great, it taught me that because I know who I am and my goals. I dont need their approval and them to understand my goals and purpose. Thank you 👏👏👏
I needed to hear this and accept that I get defensive more than I would like to. When people ask of my dreams and aspirations, if they don’t understand I feel I need to justify it to them. Same thing with my feelings, even if a person does not see my side but still may say “okay do you. I respect that” I still feel the need to go on and justify why that was my response.
The issue is in "feeling the need to go on and justify why that was my response." Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. It's in learning how to be okay with the small imperfections in understanding. Perfect understanding is rare and kinda unnecessary in most situations. Maybe make sure you don't lead a conversation to require perfect understanding. Or allow general understanding to be sufficient in social relationship.
Thank you so much for making this video. I had a chance to practice what I had learned from you. A few weeks after originally watching this, my boss pulled me into a meeting and pretty much lashed out at me and someone else over a misunderstanding. I managed to remain calm and didn't explain myself 😀. That made her even more furious LOL.
Agree. I went through this when I was in a relationship with a BPD. I was being smeared and it mattered to me. I finally let go, because it doesn't matter.
This is a message for nowadays where people are so defensive and intolerant of other's opinion. There is also a controlling trait in being highly defensive.
I’ve heard the phrase, “do you want to be right or do you want to be kind”. I want to be right 🤣 and I want to be agreed with! I still feel like I need others’ approval and understanding. Defensiveness for me all the time, especially at work maybe.
thank you so much for this wonderful video. As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, establishing boundaries and learning to respond rather than react has been a significant challenge for me. I am actively working on improving my communication skills. However, I find it difficult to articulate my thoughts when someone, like my sister, brings up past issues that have already been resolved or are unrelated to the current conflict. I understand that emotions might be high, but it's disheartening when, despite my efforts to improve and address concerns, I am consistently portrayed as the problem. This is especially hurtful when it comes from older relatives whom I had thought I could trust.
This is me! ! Somebody says something to me, or doesn't tell me something that's about me, and I get so defensive! I start going off, and when my Dad was alive I really did this with him and I acted like I was being mistreated, acting like a total idiot, and I still do it today! I still do it to this day, every day! Thank you for this video! Thank you!I'm going to study this video, because I need to change this behavior! I need to stop this behavior! I WANT TO STOP!
I've been watching a few of your videos here and there, going through counseling myself for things. Honestly it's just really hard to realize what needs to be focused on to begin dealing with things. But I've found a combination of your videos and my appointments help to let me explore issues like the one you talked about above better. So thank you for sharing these with us all.
Really glad you're finding them helpful. And honestly, it doesn't matter where you start or what you focus on. Just one foot in front of the other everyday and that's exactly what you're doing. GOOD on you.
I'm a brand new viewer, subscribed today. I have been in therapy for years and it's been tremendously helpful. I LOVE your videos! Thank you for what you do!!!
Stand your ground. Do not be moved. Do not bow, submit or obey. Find a way to get away from bullies and predators. Feeling a need to be right means you require external validation. Instead, trust yourself and validate yourself. For facts, do research. Use evidence and proven facts if needed to verify your conclusion.
I’ve been struggling and continue to struggle with my choice to step back a little from racing and competitions to allow myself to heal from multiple sports injuries. When people say I could still compete and just hobble through the pain just at a lower capacity or performance level, I find myself defending myself and either agreeing to do another and re-injuring myself (or getting a new one) or refusing to do another and having them get an attitude with me. I even got guilted about not doing a race recently because a teammate raced by themselves when nobody else joined him. 🤷🏽♀️We’re all injured now. My therapist says - as you mentioned - I don’t need their permission. She also pointed out that it’s not my job to make sure this other person is okay doing the race. And _I’d_ like to point out that - regardless of which choice is right or wrong - it’s nobody else that has to deal with consequences (like injuries) but you. If others really care about you, they wouldn’t put you in a position where you have to literally defend yourself from negative outcomes.
People that are hurt tend to project their psychological dramas on others. We often recreate situations from the past in order to learn to overcome or master them.
I’d like to say I want to be understood but if I’m being honest, I think I want to be right. Self boundaries are helping with both. Accepting other people have different rule books is also allowing me to look at things differently
I love the way you teach !! You have helped me so very much work through so many issues I have had along the years . You have Helped me refresh a few ways to change my mindset when I was wanting to just give in and give up on myself or the people I care for . You are such a beautiful soul and so kind to help others .
I noticed that I have a problem with all 3 from time to time but wanting to be understood stands out the most. It was something I came to realize from another one of Julia's videos but have been neglecting to work on.
I have struggled with this since childhood and use to get in to so much trouble and felt confused at times. I haven’t been able to stick up for my self as I would get in to trouble when I did and I think that had caused me to over justify and defend my self. Thank you so much again Julia Kristina! Been looking for a good vid on this! Your keep me going while I am waiting to see a therapist🙂 thank you 😊
Really good video. I can get very triggered because of sensitivity about myself and a lack of constant identity. I can be very strong and independent generally, but if I feel someone is making me feel bad for being myself, for having emotions and passion, for not being a 'typical, conventional' person - that can really upset me and make me feel defensive
Thank you so much for this video. I live in a rural area and can't find the right psychologist for me. I am about to take a trip to see my family and I seem to always be on the defense. Thanks again!!!
Anita - I'm so glad we found each other! All the best on your trip, and I'm glad you'll be able to make good use of some of the mindset shifts from this talk. Sending hugs!
"if we truly know who we are"... Yeah. Right...How many individuals does one encounter who is keenly self-aware or even conscientious on a level beyond the very surface layer? It's a great paradox we face in our heavily commercialized, consumer-based society. Our image and thoughts are influenced and dictated to on a level that could only produce the psychologically fractured mess we've become as a whole. So, that 1st trope of "knowing thyself" is extremely difficult for the vast majority of individuals....The key is to be able to critically examine one's criticism being hurled toward us. ..Carefully & objectively take a look and see if any of it makes sense, take it into consideration & formulate any, if necessary adjustments based on the information. Criticism stings. But can creatively be looked at as a progress report. Of course, the judgemental party also would need to take into consideration the source of their opinions or judgments. Are they being righteous or solipsistic? This takes sophistication and work. Both of which are rarities exercised in this heavily pressurized world we live in. The question, however...is what's important to a group or individual in this life...What's really important?
@Jafar Martin...well phrased! Another thought to consider is that "the judgmental party" may not be interested (usually the case) in changing. Many relationships we have are just micro representations of the world. The onerous is on us to learn how to engage without losing ourselves in the process. Very few relationships one has is willing to make adjustments to accommodate your perspective. You may find willingness to accommodate if the relationship is close and important enough (not necessarily). Most importantly we will need to learn to know ourselves and our boundaries and also learn how to maintain that being while engaging in relationships and with the world.
This works in normal discussions with diverse opinions. But if you’ve been attacked directly and bullied then you have to stand up not for yourself alone but for justice , if not then you will be the everlasting doormat .
Pete Walker got an alternative take on defensiveness, his take is there are different types of defenses we push because of abondent depression. And once you remove this ultimate sadness within you, then you no longer need to defend because there is no pain to be reminded about via people. This isnt really anything he has said but its the message I could see hidden in his book. And something iv seen myself experience through the experience of healing cptsd. Its like i have the ultra instinct now.
I feel like I need people to understand me and I don't feel like they do no matter how much I try to explain myself. I also feel like I have to get my point across on things and no one takes me serious, like I don't know what I am talking about. Things always seem to end up as a debate if I voice my opinion about something, so I usually just don't talk. And your right it doesn't matter what they think but I have a hard time in the moment and I get frustrated and then defensive if someone doesn't understand me.
Love your channel Julia..thank you so much for all your loving wisdom... I find myself defensive around rude snd disrespectful people..my family included . .if I cannot have a compassionate conversation without being slammed with their nonsense. .I'm gone...I have no time for their fear tactics anymore..self love and rrspect for myself has made me so much happier and peaceful...love me or leave me alone...is my motto..☺💖
Thank you so much, I heard someone comment on being defensive, I don't understood well, to me it's just clarifying, after your video, now I understood. It's always bitter feelings as they still don't understand...
I have watched this video several times now! I have found your identification of the three different areas of defensiveness really helpful! Thanks so much! I have found the combination of the wisdom in this video and the re-visiting of a visualisation that I used in an EMDR session a few years ago to be so powerful in dealing with the issue of defensiveness recently. It's been a life line just when I needed it! Thanks again!
Good job. You are right on in what you said & some things that I have lived by for a long time. Recently, a couple of relatives ganged up on me and UNJUSTLY accused me of being racist. It has really ticked me off, especially since racism is something that I have stood up AGAINST for over 50 years. It has actually hurt my relationship with them. I am having a difficult time getting past it (as in, it has caused me to have feeling of dislike for 2 people that I have liked very much). I now see them as sanctimoniously condescending.
Wow? That question.. what do I need to prove, if I know who I am? Just what I needed to hear. I always felt the urge to have others on the same page or be understood or even liked and accepted. This has been a struggle since my youth. So the question now is; who am I? Why am I unsure of myself when I hit criticism and judgy pushy people? I guess I dont want to die lol on their mountain. Lol :) not my mountain.
I'm just happy to be here :) I ask these questions all the time. There's just something about being still that makes all the difference. It's ok not to have all the answers. But it IS important to have clue. If you dont onow who you are, others define that for you. And that's never fun. Been there. We live, we learn.. and hopefully we get wisdom.
Wanting to be right was probably the biggest one in my life. However, I have a looser grip on this one as I get older. I have more of a tendency now to hear another view and then dissect it to try and learn more about it. I feel this helps me move into more of a place about being less wrong about a topic. Now, it's more about how others view me. However, as I build my identity, this becomes less of a thing.
I totally understand that we don’t need to prove ourselves to anyone because how they view us doesn’t matter if we know we’re above that but it’s harder for me because I’m having this issue with someone at work so it feels like my reputation is on the line with my boss
I have recognized that I gaslight my partner by denying or questioning complaints they make about my behavior. Usually she will say "You said/did something two weeks/a month ago, and it made me feel bad/sad/disgusted/disappointed." Now, if what she claims I said or did, didn't actually happen, or I genuinely can't remember it, or I remember it differently, how can I genuinely respond or respectfully disagree without her feeling like I'm questioning her reality and subsequently gaslighting her? If I genuinely remember the event or what I said, then of COURSE I will acknowledge it and her feelings. I care about and love her deeply, and want to better myself by being present in these moments, so that she feels acknowledged. What I don't want is to be in a position where I'm always blindly accepting every complaint or criticism she communicates, especially when she uses absolute language ("you always... you never... you do/say XYZ every time... ).
I struggle with these. I’m more passionate about things that are based on my values of right and wrong. I find it confusing that our world seems to be in a state of moral relativism and people justify the awful things they do. I don’t want to be around people who think that anything goes. I’m very defensive about right and wrong and the truth. Good video.
Unfair judgement and unwanted critiquing is something that makes me withdraw pretty fast. I don't necessarily get defensive, but tend to get confused and overwhelmed by these kinds of personalities. I like to support my friends' ideas and decisions, (unless they're dangerous of course), and have never understood some people's need to be critical of any idea that doesn't belong to them. Hmm...wait a sec... you just covered that ...."the need to be right" lol I hope these 'judges' I know see your video! (she says as she shares this video to Facebook)
Thank you for sharing it! That means the world to me. And yeah, I agree - unwanted criticism doesn't feel good at all. I'm trying to be mindful of not doing it for that exact reason ;-)
I have often been told I am defensive mainly at work where there needs to be trouble shooting ..from watching your video I feel not really the need to be right but I feel I have to explain myself and defend the words others may say about me...this is really something I need to work on because I felt disrespected at times and other people are taking it as it was just correction this is a hard pill to digest...
By not defending myself I ended up believing what people were telling me about myself, during my teen years. It has diminished my self esteem. If you don’t respond back and don’t stand up for yourself, something eventually will stay inside of you that you originally did not have.
Thats lack of identity, what is best is to find yourself, tu know you. To have a strong knowledge abiut yourself, because if you are full of yourself nobody can put something else inside of you. I'm working on it too, I hope this helps
As crestons wife speaking people who don't respect themselves won't respect themselves or others because hurting people inside hurt and disrespect others because they don't like or respect themselves and allow themselves to be walked on if we can't respect ourselves we can not expect others to respect us so if ywe have recovered from that and I have thankfully for 5 or 6 years I don't allow myself to be around those types of people because I don't want to be the person that I used to be I don't want to be like them the person I used to be around the people I used to be I'd rather be around people who like and respect themselves as I do otherwise don't expect people to like or respect you if you don't and don't expect people to like and respect you either because they know they don't respect themselves so they won't respect others around them and so that's why people withdraw from them and most walk away from them
I didn’t even realize I am so defensive, so hardwiredly defensive it is like so dang difficult for me to stop it. I feel the need to defend things I want in life or to explain why I want them when maybe I just dreamed of it my whole life and I don’t want to prove or defend why it’s a good idea, I just want it.
For me, it's actually CPTSD triggers set off. I get defensive when I'm being berated, everything I say is questioned &/or gaslight. I literally have to defend my psyche from abuse & MANY PEOPLE get defensive because they're having to defend their SAFETY not just their Ego. This was very reductive & dismissive of trauma + the responses that come with it.
Yes. And additionally if you are dependent on others for necessities, their opinions of you actually can determine whether you can survive. What if you're disabled and your family or government thinks you can work but you can't? Or what if youre an an employee and your boss thinks you're responsible for someone else's mistake and threatens to fire you? What if you're a quéer teen and your parents want to kick you out on the street but you want a roof over your head? Sometimes it is necessary to convince someone of who you are so you can get or maintain access to resources, connections, or other necessities to survive.
So many therapists make the mistake of assuming everyone is in a safe environment with access to and control of the things they need to live, but this is not true for the majority of people on earth.
I think a more helpful approach would be to help you navigate these different situations instead of assuming you always have autonomy and that one approach will always work. To show you how to determine when it is safe to advocate for yourself or when it is safer to fawn and placate. Or to tell when you are actually threatened versus when you are triggered by a situation that isn't actually dangerous. And how to regulate in that instance. Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD is not perfect, but it is applicable to this topic I think.
I need more positive people in my life, all of my intermediate family are fools, they always always blame me, it's always my fault, they are in the right always, and having a voice can't happen. I need some more consulting to deal with negative people like this, cuz I'm letting them sabotage my happiness.
Defense exist in the presence of offense. Being defensive is basically a defense mechanism, its a protection. When do we need to defend/protect ourselves? In the event of an attack right? If you look at it properly, you get defensive when you fear being attacked or feeling hurt. I believe we all have to go within ourselves and figure out what is it we fear so much that we find the need to defend ourselves? I fear rejection, shame and abandonment due to not being good enough. Im afraid others fail to see me for the person i am, flawed and all, but still more than good enough. I'm afraid of being perceived as inadequate and eventually be rejected. So i hsve to make sure others know what i believe, my opinion, thoughts and feelings.
Which one of these mindset shifts did you need to have most today?
I needed the third more ! I struggle a lot with this one, but not really the other ones.
The first one, why I need people to think current way.
"If I know who I am, that's what matters. "
@@catherined6399 Okay! Can you start working on the (mis) belief that other people have to approve of what you want, need, think or feel in order for those things to matter?
@Ange Lom Do you know why that is?
Never defend yourself to others because other people don’t really have the right to determine your value or worth. 🔥
So true and people are free and allowed to have their opinion
@@mireillelebeau2513 yes, yes and YES!!
Amen!
You're so right but it's so easy to get caught up in wanting people to like you and wanting them to see your value.
UNLEASHING POTENTIAL - PSYCHOLOGY VIDEOS
what I think is,
opinion
you think is
" the right to determine "
Defensiveness is a telling sign of insecurity/low self-esteem. I used to be very defensive at times (because I was insecure and had low self-esteem). I've since learned that part of having good self-esteem is being ok with not needing approval from others. It's something that I share with people as well.
Yikes..with that being said, Then I must have low self esteem and insecurity.
EDIT: did I just get defensive? 🤔🤪
Because people don't wanna be disrespected their insecure?
So according to you is becáis of insecurities??? Imagine using this statement in court 😂😂😂
When everyone you know is calling you a lousy person, then I might be able to take you seriously.
If you have no defense your not secure by definition it's like saying having a physical immune system means you have weak immune system
You don't need other people's attention or validation to exist or be happy. I live by this mantra. 😊
Love this.
Mean and disrespectful people make me defensive.
Sandra, I'm going to lovingly challenge that. It's not the people who are being mean or disrespectful that's making you defensive - it's your thoughts about what they are saying that is making you defensive. You think those things they are saying mean something about you, but they don't. You think you need to make them understand or see things differently, but they don't.
Their words don't mean anything about you, unless you think they do.
Reader She's talking about taking responsibility for your own body, your own thoughts, your own feelings and their result, regardless of what other people are saying or doing. If they don't matter, if they're so mean, then what they say has zero worth. But responding and defending gives their words the power that they wanted from you.
Yes they just make me angry.
Sandra DiBiaso I concur . I believe that we human critters need respect
@@alexismorgan3543 blah blah blah blah. It doesn't give them power it makes them look weak and even weaker when you DNT tolerate the B.s
These thoughts can come from having a physically and emotionally abusive parent.
Totally. We're definitely not born defensive!
@@juliakristinamah I've been in therapy a few years now and have learned that I am who I am because of my abusive parent. I feel like I have to defend myself so I don't get beaten or as a means of survival. Learning to not defend yourself is not easy. But, each time you ignore or walk away from a comment or critique you know was said to get a reaction from you, it becomes easier each time. I agree with Julia, I will think about the comment or critique a little bit, see what I can learn from it, and then move on. I find that the person making the comment feels unfulfilled because you have not responded or reacted. From there, they may continue by defending or justifying their statement, or worse try to get you into the discussion, for which I will respond either of two ways: 1) you are entitled to your opinion, or 2) if you feel this way, you truly do not know me. I would love more suggestions.
@@barefoot_reality_creator Use the narc's favorite "apology" line: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
YES!, by not having your opinion heard. 😕
Exactly 😞😢😔
I think it is best to not care so much what others think, it's harder than it sounds though. Thank you for the video.
Agreed - on both points!
No need to explain yourself , defend yourself or prove yourself as long as you KNOW YOURSELF
I hate when people act like they know me, like coworkers that literally my interaction trough the day is "hi" "bye" idk why people get this delusion that just cause you see somebody everyday you know them, lol. It's like they literally create a whole persona out of nothing cause you give them nothing.
I've always struggled with needing to be "right" and I end up being ashamed of myself after I go off on people I love. Its frustrating because they're the people I should be the least defensive with.
Yes, my mom always would remind me, "It's not whose right, it's what's right. " Meaning just let it go. Julie you are so right...Let people believe whatever they want.
I've learned a longtime ago the best way to respond to criticism is handle it with grace and kindness.
How?
“Do you always want to be right or do you want to be happy?”
- H. Jackson Brown Jr.
I would prefer to be both, and it IS possible to be both.
@MARJAN You don't have to listen to me, but I'm just saying that it's totally possible.
Susan Jeffers also used this quote in her books. Loved her books a few years ago💜
I first heard it on Dr Phil.
It's not being defensive, its setting boundaries. People are only going to do what you allow them to do.
Yes it getting defensive. By definition. Like having immune system is getting defensive against germs. Psychologically defending yourself is not bad thing. a lot people especially men 🖤 men believe they deserve abuse from ♀️
We have huge homeless problem in richest country in the world because of divorce court bias because men DIDN'T get defensive against the feminine mystic claiming what should be considered Rent unpaid labor
Great video,
I just realized that at 62 that I am a highly defensive person. I have always pushed and attacked everyone I come in contact with and going back to my earliest memories.
This stops now.
My loving wife has mentioned over the years that I do not seem happy and now I understand that I have a character flaw that needs to be addressed and I know that I can fix it and it must be fixed so I can tell her honestly that yes now I am happy because I want to be happy and share my happiness with others.
I intended to treat myself like a recovering addict, so now I can never again think that I am being attacked during any conversation. I will need counselling and many books/ your type of videos to insure I stay nice. I started to make amends to all the people I have ever known.
Thank you and yes yes yes I have subscribed, rang that bell 🔔 and downloaded this video for mediate use ie: my new Mantra.
My insecurities are insane :) I often find myself comparing myself to other people that I don’t even know, but they ask me something in my head so I can defend myself. Then I realize I am drifted out of my present moment, then self criticism comes home. And I am really trying to be normal person. Everyday.
Show them with your actions who you are. Stay Focused!
I've been called stubborn all my life and this is why. I have some internal NEED to be right and to be understood.
Hi Sharon, how are u? Have you overcome this feeling?
I can’t definitely relate to that! I want to remember to pause and breathe🧘♀️🙏🏽
I can stand being wrong or different. I want to be seen for what I really am.
For me my biggest struggle is tone.
I think I could argue on just about anything, even topics I wouldn't care about or become defensive over.
But if you ask me a question with a underlining accusative tone, ohhh boy herrreee we go!
You could ask "why are you drinking water?!" But having that accusative tone automatically takes my brain from a happy water drinking brain to "well hey why am I getting this negative tone for doing absolutely nothing to deserve it"
In those moments is extremely hard to not react defensively because I'm confused on what I did to deserve that tone, and when I get confused I become frustrated. And it's this cycle that never ends.
You made this specific video when I needed it most. I can't thank you enough for how much your work has helped me change my life to one I love living. Your insight helps us fight the good fight and changes the world one healing heart at a time. God bless you
Illissa! This just filled my heart. I am so happy for you. And you are feeling good because YOU decided you wanted more. YOU decided you were willing to do the work to get to better. YOU decided your life was worth loving. Grateful to have you here.
Ilissa, I love your comment about Julia changing your life. You are a champ for taking action to work on areas that are leading to greater joy! And Julia IS awesome for the way her consistent videos and heart for helping people are making an impact!
Thank you. I really needed to hear this. I relate most to the first point. That someone has judged or criticised me and I don't like how they view me. What has shifted for me is that why do I need them to see me in a certain way if I know who I am? This is life changing for me. Thank you so much.
Yes, yes and YES!! Jumping up and down cheering for you Joanna.
Relate able!, yes, right! 😼
I relate to this as well. Thank you!! ❤️
It took me a long time to realize that my argumentative nature ultimately stems from my insecurities.
This happens for me when I am feeling misunderstood. Recently I had two conversations with family & friends where I was feeling angry because they didn’t seem to understand me. The bigger reveal from your vid is to look closer at ‘Why’ I feel I need for them to understand me?? Thank you
I just want to be seen and heard.
This video was helpful. People pleasing or caring about what others think of me is a problem I’m working on. I know that I am a loved and valuable person. I make efforts to make good choices in life. I’m focusing on trusting God to lead me in the right path. If others disagree with my decisions, that’s their opinion and none of my concern. I want to leave defensiveness and insecurities behind!
This hit on the spot for me when I realize I defend myself at work if someone challenges why I did something. I’m so looking forward to letting it go and saying to myself “that’s how they see it” starting now.
Being defensive- for lack of a better way to put it, is kind of a no brainer when at the workplace. Think about it: if say, a supervisor treats you openly differently than the other people and you're working your butt off to gain enough momentum to maybe be in the 'in crowd' at work... I tried the stay quiet approach for a long time. It hasn't done anything to help me in this situation. Sometimes you have to have a voice. Sometimes we have to use our voice. Because quite honestly (sometimes) if we keep quiet we run the risk of being negatively impacted, at work, by the people or person with the erroneous opinion of us. This is a very ambiguous thing, very nuanced.
Mine is DEFINITELY because I dont want someone to have "that view" of me. Asking why I need them to have this opinion of myself to make it ok is such great advice!! Its OK for someone to not like something I did!
Amen Autumn!!
What you have described is someone who is not fully committed to their beliefs or opinions and as such can be reminded of that uncertainty. That is the basis of defensive attitudes. Maturity teaches us to hold truths based upon our experiences, and while my truths may be fully correct, partially correct or not at all, it’s true for me and I don’t need to make my reality your reality. Your experiences have formulated your beliefs which may be different from mine and that’s ok. No need to “lose it” when someone disagrees, simply remind yourself of who you are.
The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.
Sometimes I get tired of stepping aside when I know that I am right. When do I get to be recognized for being right?
I struggle with this thought alot. I feel shameful for thinking it at times because I feel as though this is my pride or ego talking...But I think the grim reality of it is, as long as you know your right though willing to see another perspective. That's all that matters, because at the end it's all perception. The other person could argue the sky is green when it's blue and throw a fit over it, you just have to talk a pause and a deep breath and go "I agree that your perception of the sky is green, but that's not mine" and walk away. Because even though you want oh so badly for that person to say "yes the sky is blue" you may never get it, but what you can get is price of mineld ending the convo.
I think we have a strong need for validation especially from people whom we consider important and we love, our parents, our spouses, our family and friends. I find myself defensive with my husband very often, I found this video on a Sunday in morning, by Sunday evening I had an outburst of defending my work ethic. And I mean a BAD outburst. I know my heart and intentions, and it is important to me what my husband thinks but at this point Im tired of arguing , rebuttaling and the heated discussions
Inner peace
Hmmmmm you are not always right
@@Alex-jr1zs I never said that I was always right. Are YOU?
There are some personalities that release an assault, a barrage of criticism....unsolicited 'advice' - i.e. go to a different grocer (no one goes to that one), cook from written recipes (sends an example of a written recipe for food you have made that they like), clean the floor differently (repeats floor cleaning methods), change your front door (informs about sales on approved doorbell cameras, etc), you have the wrong floor plan in your home (explains superiority of their personal floorplan), you drive the wrong car (buys a new car & insists to always be the driver), your husband is not good (invites only 2 of your family for a mom/daughter party and on arrival there are fathers and brothers in attendance), your dog is not good (tells you how to leash, control and pen dog before they come over), you need to go to different restaurants (tells you where to go for discount cards for best places), you need to plan more parties (they 'deserve' to have a party hosted for them), on & on & on. I've NEVER felt so GOOD about ME as when I FINALLY kicked them out of MY life in Dec after a year of this & begging them to stop. I Never defended myself. I never had the opportunity to speak! I have NO idea why they Ever texted or called me? I am my Own Best Friend now! It's true, we don't have to defend ourselves.
Yikes! Sounds like you need some new, supportive friends in your life!
Thank you for your heartfelt post. In reading your post i realized I can/am be that person telling you a better way to do things. My intent has not meant to be critical but to share my knowledge or save you from my bad experience. I have had issues with codependency and needing to be needed. I see now thru your post how I can be damaging those around me by possibly making them feel bad about themselves and I am going to work on changing that. Thank you for the thump on the head. 😎
@Beth Mitchell I gotta research that! Although, I'm pretty sure the experience speaks for itself. Who knew there was a diagnosis? She's raising a baby G.A.H.N. too! Sad.
@Beth Mitchell Bingo
Yes. I am happy that you finally kept this person away from you. So toxic and controlling! Totally undetstand!!!
Ever since my spiritual awakening the more my consciousness arises when I move among people I pay more attention to what they say and their words on the contrary I feel more defensive towards them because my feelings are important and I dont want them to hurt them. I feel I have to protect my sensitive core 🥺🥺🥺
My Therapist suggested that I watch this video and I did along with her. Two things really stuck out for me personally when listening to this, 1) My need or want to be right 2) Ego and wanting to be understood. WOW! These two right here were so on point. I didn't think that I was a egotistical person & never thought of it this way but it does make sense. Feeling like I have to defend my choices, or be judged , the way that I view things & more. I am working on me so that I can be the best me that I can. Having 'thin' skin is one of the areas I need to work on the other is listening. Thanks so much for this.
I grew up with people telling me who I am and not allowing me to be me. These were my authority figures so I had to take it. So as a young adult I had to start doing this thing where I said "no, that's not true about me, THIS is..." People took it as me being defensive but I always thought it was me just finally sticking up for myself and not taking abuse anymore. So am I being defensive when I do this?
You are not being defensive when you do that Kara! You are standing your sacred ground and stating who YOU are, and that is amazing.
Omg this was exactly me, except I didn't start standing up for myself until I was in my 20s.
No. Keep doing it. I'm the same way. I stand up for me and idc what people say.
Same
As long as it’s coming from a place of authenticity and not insecurity, then that is exactly what you should do! I have had similar struggles going up and am 21 now, still fighting to know myself on a daily basis, and to discern properly if I should stand my ground in a situation, or take a step back and let things play out
Life becomes so much simpler when you realize you don't have to have an opinion on everything. A mark of maturity is choosing to be on the right side of an argument instead of the winning side.
One way I tell if someone is really sorry vs gaslighting me is if they admit their intentions were good and apologize for failing in applying them instead of defending themselves by placing the blame on my "misunderstanding."
Thank you. My defensiveness is ruining my relationship so i need to figure out my issue and this is the most help I've had so far.
Thanks, im dealing with someone who isn't understanding my need to ask for space, tells me I'm selfish, also blaming me for something i didn't do & I'm massively struggling trying not to defend myself as i know that person won't listen 😢 glad I've come across this, I'll probably watch it a lot ❤
So, basically, pick your battles. Which 'battle' with other people is worth disturbing your peace?
Absolutely. That's the key question to ask ourselves.
When they are imposing on your peace.
A few of them actually.
I always get super defensive about questions -- i cannot stand the simplist of inquirys from people I'm close with.😫
Same. Petty criticisms from other half bait me and I defend myself. How do I stop? What should I say instead?
@@jillyjensen1776 I don’t think I get defensive anymore, but I am typically open as well - which can come across as being defensive. This is my biggest problem I think. For example, if a girl I am dating mentions something they notice about me, I am happy to explain my mindset regarding it - but this comes across as “defensive”. So instead of being open about my perspective, I’ve learned to just lovingly acknowledge people without explaining myself. To me, this feels worse - but it’s what most people want in response - just to be validated in their thoughts, rather than giving insight as to why.
Some people like myself just enjoy discourse
I like engaging peoples thoughts and perspectives and understanding the way they view the world
When disagreement occurs jokes come out and I typically make fun of their thought process to try to show them how ridiculous it is
Most people dont respond too well
"Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy"
Not mutually exclusive
You can defend yourself, be right and be happy....
It is possible to be both right and happy depending on the situation - I agree Jim.
Great points as always! Intimidation through questioning is a ploy that people often use.
Yes- that absolutely can happen and we can decide if we want to take the bait . Good to have you here Robert.
You are so good to listen to. Problems seem so simple.
Lol. They seem simple to her bc that's her perception, bc this stuff not easy for me
Julia someone very close to me is incredibly defensive. I can’t express my point of you with this person because this person will immediately defend their point of you and work hard to prove that I am wrong and they are right. Your video helps me.
Point of VIEW.
The last one, I have the need to be understood, probably due childhood issues! 😕
Can you give some examples of frases we can use, that are not defensive?
That is a great topic for a TH-cam video! Duly noted. Thank you!
69LOLIN Great comment !
This is a hard one for me. I’m always feeling the need to clarify. I feel quite misunderstood at times and am working on creating boundaries. I’m often told I’m too sensitive.
This video has helped me so much and now I know why I get super defensive even though I’m just a teenager. Throughout my life I have been criticized about the way I dress or the way that I look from someone, a specific someone, and that is what has led me to become extremely defensive. They don’t heavily criticize me anymore which is good, but something that has really opened my eye is that even when they made little comments about my hair for example, I would get extremely defensive even though they weren’t criticizing me. That’s when I knew, I wasn’t OK and I knew immediately that I needed to change my defensiveness.
It’s okay I hope your doing good, and everyone gets that way time to time, the fact that your acknowledging this is better because your going to become more self aware and suffer less because you know how to just listen and not assume that worst, or that someone’s put to get you for the way you dress or something, a lot of people aren’t self aware when it comes to this so have compassion and don’t judge others for not knowing better or being more self aware, but if it’s someone your dating and you tell them something that you might not agree with or like let them know not to get defense like try to teach or show them how not to be, and just be honest and supportive and let them know you not trying to attract them or that your out to get them you just want them to become better for the both of you
What I don’t like is a close family member judging my character and having false assumptions about my character which isn’t true. It just hurts your heart ❤️ especially if you have been kind and loving majority of the time in their lives. Or they bring up your past mistakes and throw it in your face, when they themselves have a lot to work on and mistakes they have also done. But, I’m learning not to waste energy clarifying my character to them. I think what you said is right. Allow them to think what they want of you and continue growing in your own journey. ❤
Hahaha! Last summer I bought a bloomin' onion at the state Fair, and needed to get it wrapped to go. They weren't totally prepared to do that easily, and so here I am apologizing and explaining why I made the request. The young gentleman looks at me and kindly says "ma'am, it's OK. No need to explain." I almost cried right there! I told him he was the first man who ever told me that. They were very nice people, and very accommodating. Can't tell you how great that simple comment made me feel!
I love this Janice! And you never have to explain why you want your blooming onion wrapped ;-)
@@juliakristinamah thank you! I didn't realize until just a few months ago how much I was feeling the need to defend and explain myself...to a certain individual especially, that it was so refreshing and eye-opening to be assured that it wasn't necessary for me to have to do that!
Umm, English old lady here, please tell me, what is a blooming onion?
@Traci K here's a link
Blooming onion g.co/kgs/Hr7LGh
Counselling and cookery brilliant I had to look it up.
Yea this definitely resonates with me. I hate when people have a view of me that I feel like doesn’t depict who I really am.
I'm so emotional and it's so hard to prove my self to my parents bc of that. They believe to know everything about me and we can't have a productive coversation. I'm college and it's still so difficult.
you will prove yourself to them over time. The way you live your life will show them. It took my mother 30 years to acknowledge that I'd picked the right career. Because her friends raved about me! I am a retired elementary art teacher, btw.
Hi Christina, because of you and anyone like you on TH-cam my life gets better in quality. Thank you ☺️
Thumbs up! Shutter down sounds like stonewalling and that along side defensiveness are two of the four horses of the apocalypse of a relationship. My friend and I have noticed that the pattern of defensiveness is a facet of immaturity and results in a toxic relationship. There's a lack of self-esteem from having inadequate quantity or quality of positive affirmations. CBT is urgently needed before being in a relationship. It's a matter of responsibility. Otherwise, there's a wake of suffering ex-love ones. The fear of being toxic should be higher than the fear of being attacked. The affirmation urgently needed is: don't take it personally. "People may attack you, criticize you or ignore you; they can crumple you out with their words, spit you out or even walk all over you, but remember, whatever they do or say, you will always keep your value." -- Frederik Imbo
Thank you so much. We do not need other people to aaprove of our decisions and validate our individuality.
This was great, it taught me that because I know who I am and my goals. I dont need their approval and them to understand my goals and purpose. Thank you 👏👏👏
I needed to hear this and accept that I get defensive more than I would like to. When people ask of my dreams and aspirations, if they don’t understand I feel I need to justify it to them. Same thing with my feelings, even if a person does not see my side but still may say “okay do you. I respect that” I still feel the need to go on and justify why that was my response.
The issue is in "feeling the need to go on and justify why that was my response." Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. It's in learning how to be okay with the small imperfections in understanding. Perfect understanding is rare and kinda unnecessary in most situations. Maybe make sure you don't lead a conversation to require perfect understanding. Or allow general understanding to be sufficient in social relationship.
Thank you so much for making this video. I had a chance to practice what I had learned from you. A few weeks after originally watching this, my boss pulled me into a meeting and pretty much lashed out at me and someone else over a misunderstanding. I managed to remain calm and didn't explain myself 😀. That made her even more furious LOL.
Agree. I went through this when I was in a relationship with a BPD. I was being smeared and it mattered to me. I finally let go, because it doesn't matter.
This is a message for nowadays where people are so defensive and intolerant of other's opinion. There is also a controlling trait in being highly defensive.
I’ve heard the phrase, “do you want to be right or do you want to be kind”. I want to be right 🤣 and I want to be agreed with! I still feel like I need others’ approval and understanding. Defensiveness for me all the time, especially at work maybe.
I want to be right and kind
I hear you April! And I think the important question to ask ourselves is why we need others to think we're right?
thank you so much for this wonderful video. As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, establishing boundaries and learning to respond rather than react has been a significant challenge for me. I am actively working on improving my communication skills. However, I find it difficult to articulate my thoughts when someone, like my sister, brings up past issues that have already been resolved or are unrelated to the current conflict. I understand that emotions might be high, but it's disheartening when, despite my efforts to improve and address concerns, I am consistently portrayed as the problem. This is especially hurtful when it comes from older relatives whom I had thought I could trust.
Wow! I'm 60 years old and I've never heard this before. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is me! ! Somebody says something to me, or doesn't tell me something that's about me, and I get so defensive! I start going off, and when my Dad was alive I really did this with him and I acted like I was being mistreated, acting like a total idiot, and I still do it today! I still do it to this day, every day! Thank you for this video! Thank you!I'm going to study this video, because I need to change this behavior! I need to stop this behavior! I WANT TO STOP!
I've been watching a few of your videos here and there, going through counseling myself for things. Honestly it's just really hard to realize what needs to be focused on to begin dealing with things.
But I've found a combination of your videos and my appointments help to let me explore issues like the one you talked about above better.
So thank you for sharing these with us all.
Really glad you're finding them helpful. And honestly, it doesn't matter where you start or what you focus on. Just one foot in front of the other everyday and that's exactly what you're doing. GOOD on you.
I'm a brand new viewer, subscribed today. I have been in therapy for years and it's been tremendously helpful. I LOVE your videos! Thank you for what you do!!!
Joe! So great to have you here and for your super kind words. Good to connect with you.
Stand your ground. Do not be moved. Do not bow, submit or obey. Find a way to get away from bullies and predators. Feeling a need to be right means you require external validation. Instead, trust yourself and validate yourself. For facts, do research. Use evidence and proven facts if needed to verify your conclusion.
I’ve been struggling and continue to struggle with my choice to step back a little from racing and competitions to allow myself to heal from multiple sports injuries. When people say I could still compete and just hobble through the pain just at a lower capacity or performance level, I find myself defending myself and either agreeing to do another and re-injuring myself (or getting a new one) or refusing to do another and having them get an attitude with me. I even got guilted about not doing a race recently because a teammate raced by themselves when nobody else joined him. 🤷🏽♀️We’re all injured now. My therapist says - as you mentioned - I don’t need their permission. She also pointed out that it’s not my job to make sure this other person is okay doing the race. And _I’d_ like to point out that - regardless of which choice is right or wrong - it’s nobody else that has to deal with consequences (like injuries) but you. If others really care about you, they wouldn’t put you in a position where you have to literally defend yourself from negative outcomes.
People that are hurt tend to project their psychological dramas on others. We often recreate situations from the past in order to learn to overcome or master them.
I’d like to say I want to be understood but if I’m being honest, I think I want to be right. Self boundaries are helping with both. Accepting other people have different rule books is also allowing me to look at things differently
I love the way you teach !! You have helped me so very much work through so many issues I have had along the years . You have Helped me refresh a few ways to change my mindset when I was wanting to just give in and give up on myself or the people I care for . You are such a beautiful soul and so kind to help others .
Back again thank you.
I noticed that I have a problem with all 3 from time to time but wanting to be understood stands out the most. It was something I came to realize from another one of Julia's videos but have been neglecting to work on.
I have struggled with this since childhood and use to get in to so much trouble and felt confused at times. I haven’t been able to stick up for my self as I would get in to trouble when I did and I think that had caused me to over justify and defend my self. Thank you so much again Julia Kristina! Been looking for a good vid on this! Your keep me going while I am waiting to see a therapist🙂 thank you 😊
Yay Julie! I'm so grateful it connected. So happy to have you here.
Yay Julie! I'm so grateful it connected. So happy to have you here.
Of all the things that feel screwed up in my life, this is not one of my problems. I still enjoyed the video and appreciate what you do.
Really good video. I can get very triggered because of sensitivity about myself and a lack of constant identity.
I can be very strong and independent generally, but if I feel someone is making me feel bad for being myself, for having emotions and passion, for not being a 'typical, conventional' person - that can really upset me and make me feel defensive
I can understand that Karen. Are you good with not being a 'typical, conventional' person? If you are, then does it matter if not everyone else is?
Thank you so much for this video. I live in a rural area and can't find the right psychologist for me. I am about to take a trip to see my family and I seem to always be on the defense. Thanks again!!!
Anita - I'm so glad we found each other! All the best on your trip, and I'm glad you'll be able to make good use of some of the mindset shifts from this talk. Sending hugs!
"if we truly know who we are"... Yeah. Right...How many individuals does one encounter who is keenly self-aware or even conscientious on a level beyond the very surface layer? It's a great paradox we face in our heavily commercialized, consumer-based society. Our image and thoughts are influenced and dictated to on a level that could only produce the psychologically fractured mess we've become as a whole. So, that 1st trope of "knowing thyself" is extremely difficult for the vast majority of individuals....The key is to be able to critically examine one's criticism being hurled toward us. ..Carefully & objectively take a look and see if any of it makes sense, take it into consideration & formulate any, if necessary adjustments based on the information. Criticism stings. But can creatively be looked at as a progress report. Of course, the judgemental party also would need to take into consideration the source of their opinions or judgments. Are they being righteous or solipsistic? This takes sophistication and work. Both of which are rarities exercised in this heavily pressurized world we live in. The question, however...is what's important to a group or individual in this life...What's really important?
@Jafar Martin...well phrased! Another thought to consider is that "the judgmental party" may not be interested (usually the case) in changing. Many relationships we have are just micro representations of the world. The onerous is on us to learn how to engage without losing ourselves in the process. Very few relationships one has is willing to make adjustments to accommodate your perspective. You may find willingness to accommodate if the relationship is close and important enough (not necessarily). Most importantly we will need to learn to know ourselves and our boundaries and also learn how to maintain that being while engaging in relationships and with the world.
Me me me me! Working on being able to take constructive criticism. As well 😑
It is NOT easy, right kayles091? Definitely something I'm working on too ;-) #inthistogether
This works in normal discussions with diverse opinions. But if you’ve been attacked directly and bullied then you have to stand up not for yourself alone but for justice , if not then you will be the everlasting doormat .
After you stand up for yourself, then get away from the bullies and people that don't respect you.
Pete Walker got an alternative take on defensiveness, his take is there are different types of defenses we push because of abondent depression. And once you remove this ultimate sadness within you, then you no longer need to defend because there is no pain to be reminded about via people. This isnt really anything he has said but its the message I could see hidden in his book. And something iv seen myself experience through the experience of healing cptsd. Its like i have the ultra instinct now.
"I need to die on that mountain!!" OMG you are so funny !!!! haha thank you for another great video :)
Glad you liked it Catherine ;-)
I feel like I need people to understand me and I don't feel like they do no matter how much I try to explain myself. I also feel like I have to get my point across on things and no one takes me serious, like I don't know what I am talking about. Things always seem to end up as a debate if I voice my opinion about something, so I usually just don't talk. And your right it doesn't matter what they think but I have a hard time in the moment and I get frustrated and then defensive if someone doesn't understand me.
Love your channel Julia..thank you so much for all your loving wisdom... I find myself defensive around rude snd disrespectful people..my family included . .if I cannot have a compassionate conversation without being slammed with their nonsense. .I'm gone...I have no time for their fear tactics anymore..self love and rrspect for myself has made me so much happier and peaceful...love me or leave me alone...is my motto..☺💖
Thank you so much, I heard someone comment on being defensive, I don't understood well, to me it's just clarifying, after your video, now I understood. It's always bitter feelings as they still don't understand...
Thank you Julia.
Absolutely Karlene - thanks for being here.
The expression on your face for this video is the perfect response to someone who is on the attack. Love it!
I have watched this video several times now! I have found your identification of the three different areas of defensiveness really helpful! Thanks so much!
I have found the combination of the wisdom in this video and the re-visiting of a visualisation that I used in an EMDR session a few years ago to be so powerful in dealing with the issue of defensiveness recently. It's been a life line just when I needed it! Thanks again!
Good job. You are right on in what you said & some things that I have lived by for a long time. Recently, a couple of relatives ganged up on me and UNJUSTLY accused me of being racist. It has really ticked me off, especially since racism is something that I have stood up AGAINST for over 50 years. It has actually hurt my relationship with them. I am having a difficult time getting past it (as in, it has caused me to have feeling of dislike for 2 people that I have liked very much). I now see them as sanctimoniously condescending.
Wow? That question.. what do I need to prove, if I know who I am? Just what I needed to hear. I always felt the urge to have others on the same page or be understood or even liked and accepted. This has been a struggle since my youth. So the question now is; who am I? Why am I unsure of myself when I hit criticism and judgy pushy people? I guess I dont want to die lol on their mountain. Lol :) not my mountain.
SO much good insight here. And I think your question of 'who am I' is a big one for many among us. Glad you're on this journey now!
I'm just happy to be here :)
I ask these questions all the time. There's just something about being still that makes all the difference. It's ok not to have all the answers. But it IS important to have clue. If you dont onow who you are, others define that for you. And that's never fun. Been there. We live, we learn.. and hopefully we get wisdom.
So much good stuff in this video! Truth!
Wanting to be right was probably the biggest one in my life. However, I have a looser grip on this one as I get older. I have more of a tendency now to hear another view and then dissect it to try and learn more about it. I feel this helps me move into more of a place about being less wrong about a topic. Now, it's more about how others view me. However, as I build my identity, this becomes less of a thing.
I totally understand that we don’t need to prove ourselves to anyone because how they view us doesn’t matter if we know we’re above that but it’s harder for me because I’m having this issue with someone at work so it feels like my reputation is on the line with my boss
I have recognized that I gaslight my partner by denying or questioning complaints they make about my behavior. Usually she will say "You said/did something two weeks/a month ago, and it made me feel bad/sad/disgusted/disappointed."
Now, if what she claims I said or did, didn't actually happen, or I genuinely can't remember it, or I remember it differently, how can I genuinely respond or respectfully disagree without her feeling like I'm questioning her reality and subsequently gaslighting her?
If I genuinely remember the event or what I said, then of COURSE I will acknowledge it and her feelings. I care about and love her deeply, and want to better myself by being present in these moments, so that she feels acknowledged. What I don't want is to be in a position where I'm always blindly accepting every complaint or criticism she communicates, especially when she uses absolute language ("you always... you never... you do/say XYZ every time... ).
I struggle with these. I’m more passionate about things that are based on my values of right and wrong. I find it confusing that our world seems to be in a state of moral relativism and people justify the awful things they do. I don’t want to be around people who think that anything goes. I’m very defensive about right and wrong and the truth. Good video.
Unfair judgement and unwanted critiquing is something that makes me withdraw pretty fast. I don't necessarily get defensive, but tend to get confused and overwhelmed by these kinds of personalities. I like to support my friends' ideas and decisions, (unless they're dangerous of course), and have never understood some people's need to be critical of any idea that doesn't belong to them.
Hmm...wait a sec... you just covered that ...."the need to be right" lol I hope these 'judges' I know see your video! (she says as she shares this video to Facebook)
Thank you for sharing it! That means the world to me. And yeah, I agree - unwanted criticism doesn't feel good at all. I'm trying to be mindful of not doing it for that exact reason ;-)
@@juliakristinamah how do you deal with unwanted criticism?
I have often been told I am defensive mainly at work where there needs to be trouble shooting ..from watching your video I feel not really the need to be right but I feel I have to explain myself and defend the words others may say about me...this is really something I need to work on because I felt disrespected at times and other people are taking it as it was just correction this is a hard pill to digest...
A great way to practice this is next time someone asks “where have you been” just say “busy! How’ve you been?”
By not defending myself I ended up believing what people were telling me about myself, during my teen years. It has diminished my self esteem. If you don’t respond back and don’t stand up for yourself, something eventually will stay inside of you that you originally did not have.
Thats lack of identity, what is best is to find yourself, tu know you. To have a strong knowledge abiut yourself, because if you are full of yourself nobody can put something else inside of you. I'm working on it too, I hope this helps
As crestons wife speaking people who don't respect themselves won't respect themselves or others because hurting people inside hurt and disrespect others because they don't like or respect themselves and allow themselves to be walked on if we can't respect ourselves we can not expect others to respect us so if ywe have recovered from that and I have thankfully for 5 or 6 years I don't allow myself to be around those types of people because I don't want to be the person that I used to be I don't want to be like them the person I used to be around the people I used to be I'd rather be around people who like and respect themselves as I do otherwise don't expect people to like or respect you if you don't and don't expect people to like and respect you either because they know they don't respect themselves so they won't respect others around them and so that's why people withdraw from them and most walk away from them
I didn’t even realize I am so defensive, so hardwiredly defensive it is like so dang difficult for me to stop it. I feel the need to defend things I want in life or to explain why I want them when maybe I just dreamed of it my whole life and I don’t want to prove or defend why it’s a good idea, I just want it.
For me, it's actually CPTSD triggers set off. I get defensive when I'm being berated, everything I say is questioned &/or gaslight. I literally have to defend my psyche from abuse & MANY PEOPLE get defensive because they're having to defend their SAFETY not just their Ego. This was very reductive & dismissive of trauma + the responses that come with it.
Yes. And additionally if you are dependent on others for necessities, their opinions of you actually can determine whether you can survive. What if you're disabled and your family or government thinks you can work but you can't? Or what if youre an an employee and your boss thinks you're responsible for someone else's mistake and threatens to fire you? What if you're a quéer teen and your parents want to kick you out on the street but you want a roof over your head? Sometimes it is necessary to convince someone of who you are so you can get or maintain access to resources, connections, or other necessities to survive.
So many therapists make the mistake of assuming everyone is in a safe environment with access to and control of the things they need to live, but this is not true for the majority of people on earth.
I think a more helpful approach would be to help you navigate these different situations instead of assuming you always have autonomy and that one approach will always work. To show you how to determine when it is safe to advocate for yourself or when it is safer to fawn and placate. Or to tell when you are actually threatened versus when you are triggered by a situation that isn't actually dangerous. And how to regulate in that instance. Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD is not perfect, but it is applicable to this topic I think.
I need more positive people in my life, all of my intermediate family are fools, they always always blame me, it's always my fault, they are in the right always, and having a voice can't happen. I need some more consulting to deal with negative people like this, cuz I'm letting them sabotage my happiness.
Defense exist in the presence of offense. Being defensive is basically a defense mechanism, its a protection. When do we need to defend/protect ourselves? In the event of an attack right? If you look at it properly, you get defensive when you fear being attacked or feeling hurt. I believe we all have to go within ourselves and figure out what is it we fear so much that we find the need to defend ourselves? I fear rejection, shame and abandonment due to not being good enough. Im afraid others fail to see me for the person i am, flawed and all, but still more than good enough. I'm afraid of being perceived as inadequate and eventually be rejected. So i hsve to make sure others know what i believe, my opinion, thoughts and feelings.