This explains why I was discarded and why I have been finding it hard to enjoy Christmas the last few years. I have been numb to Christmas and lost all the joy and fun. I am going to spoil myself this year.
Did my shopping alone , watching all the families and couples together made me feel so alone. It's the saddest feeling. I know I didn't do anything wrong and I made the right decison to leave and not get hoovered. But at times like this I can't shake the feeling that I deserved this somehow and I will die alone I can't imagine anyone ever being with me. I've always been discarded by many. Makes me think nothing will change because I can't imagine meeting healthy people who can be true and honest on all levels. I don't know if I would even recognize one
john garcia You will not die alone. Stay positive. Hold every thought captive. If your thoughts arent helping you change your thinking. Remember we have what we say..
You need to rid yourself of toxic people to make space for healthier people to come in to your life. It may feel empty now, but if there is no space, there is no room for healthier people to come in. It is better to have temporary space than toxicity in your life. Sending you healing, health, self-care and self-love ...
This Christmas has been so peaceful and calm, having put distance between myself and l the narcissists I am left with true authentic people for the first time in my life and its amazing. No arguing, no bad atmosphere, no negativity. Xx
This is such a source of strength for me right now, thankyou so much. My narc ruined EVERY CHRISTMAS, I developed several health conditions linked to anxiety and this was a wonderful reminder to how much better off I am on my own.
Thank you so much i am completely free of narcs from my life & have finally found the courage to go no contact. The amazing thing is once i set boundaries they choose to walk away. My 1st Christmas with just me & my children no stress were going to bake & make our own decorations. Thank you these videos have help me understand why i do what i do & how i can change :) xx
I'm developing my own rituals this year, I'm way beyond the constrictions of blind cultural-conditioning. Them fake in-laws, awkward conversations, everybody on devices, house quiet and tension-filled. And the part where the narcissist gets you alone and brings up the past traumas, you know that year end, toxic, play-by-play conversation. Hell No! I'm Ghandi this year NON-PARTICIPATION.
Hello Melanie. I know that you are probably extremely busy with your work and productions, but recently I have been watching your videos and I am now beginning to see the tactics of the narcissist manifest in real-time. I have a sibling that I am trying to clear from my life and energy -field and I believe she is in the beginning phase of the "Hoovering" technique. She's already sent a "flying monkey" who left a message at my door. No name or number. My neighbor said it was some "man" in a black car. She has a flair for the dramatic. And of course the note said that the matter was very "important" please call! I did what I said I wasn't gonna do and that was to have no contact at all with her.But first, she says that she had been trying to get in contact with me, and that when ever (you stop communication abruptly) that mean that you have relapsed).This used to be the case, when I was in active addiction, and she would discard me, pick back up with me , have familial engagements, and then discard me again! It would trigger feelings of worthlessness, resentment, anger, and frustration, and then very soon I would be lost in "Stinking-Thinking" and I would fold under pressure and succumb once again to self-destructive behavior. She never once looked at her own behavior, her lies and total disregard for my being (the discard at whim, with no warning or reason).As you might or might not know, the Veteran's Day Holiday in The U.S. just passed. I received no acknowledgement or recognition from her at all, nor from my young nephews! Do you see, the dirty-low-down game that is being played, Melanie? Of course you do, because I know you've seen it all before.She says: "I just want to make sure you're still alive?" Yeah, Freakin right! I stopped calling her. I stop texting her, and I unfollowed and blocked her on facebook. But back to the text: I promptly replied to her text, "Relapse on what, Knowledge" (that meaning knowledge of her deceit and duplicity). and I then replied:There's no weakness here." And I left it like that. She sends me her # but I delete it as soon as it comes across my phone. I have absolutely no interest in contacting her. Your videos have helped me to recognize and become conscious, of behaviors and treatment that I knew was being directed against me, but I was approaching the situation from a rationally, egotistically place. The narcissist has no boundaries, I remember you saying. You also said in your video: "How to outsmart a narcissist" that you can't confront or counter-act the narcissist from a place of unconsciousness. So, I have made the Conscious decision not to engage in a verbally combative way, because as you said: "The narcissist knows what wounds to smash open, and they will energize those old wounds and magnify their trauma not maximum intensity! (paraphrase). I will go on no further with you about the matter I just wanted to tell you that your teachings are right and exact.Well, that's what's been happening in the past few days. I becamecognizant of my lifetime of trauma and abuse at the hands of this person as November 6, 2017 and everything you said the narcissit will do or attempt top do has already manifested like clock work. I study Tarot and even the Tarot science is saying hey this is what's happening with this person. They are trying to trigger a downfall and a save, so that they can hook back into your soul at the weakest point. Melanie, I try to be a decent, and strong person, I don't bother anyone, nor I desire to cause pain in the lives of others. I hope you give thought to all that I have said. I would like to receive some quick insight from you concerning my situation. I thank you for your time, I will continue to watch your most invaluable video, and I will look into your training sessions, when time permits I will enroll. Once again thank you for your time and patienceSincerely, Andrew X
Makes so much sense. My narc totally spoiled Xmas, used the excuse that she didn't get breakfast. My mother noticed and put her in her place, but that night I endured the rage, her eyes were black and demonic. Then the 2 hour drive home the next day was torture.
The eyes I’ve seen it it wasn’t pleasant I’ve been in discards with her I’ve seen her yell but this last time was different it was out of no where with no reason just blacked out eyes uncontrollable yelling and not one time did she blink
Just got discarded. After giving his children gifts and having a special time with them. He Discarded me today. Right before Christmas. This isn't the first time either. I've spent more than one Christmas morning alone. 6.5 years w/him and he still spoils almost every holiday. But of course it's my fault. I've been crying all day non-stop. I need to find a way to get through this.
Avie Jane Huggs & love. The absolute b*stard! You have the strength within you to let this be for the last time. I really hope you're ok. Stay strong Love & Light xxx
Avie Jane dear Avid Jane..I my 3 year's with my Nark ex I didn't spend any Christmas or new years with him. I now know this isn't normal in a healthy relationship. only got one present for one of those Christmases too. 6/7th parts if the total relationship I was. on my own. unbelievable that I put up with this. I got silent treatment either by every time i be driving and he never spoke (I felt very uncomfortable) or the long gaps of when I didn't see him usually about a 2 weeks absence. I foolishly thought because I being strong and not taking Anthony rubbish from him but always felt relieved when he contacted me again. same pattern about 40 times. it will never change for you. let discovery of NPD be your closure. Anna
Avie Jane ...going ahead and enjoying your holiday is the best revenge they love it when they get the better of u they love it when they see u miserable....so dry your tears throw on a smile and enjoy your self like u said he has done this before.. I recommend u get narc.free for 2017....why stay with a frog ...when u can move forward and find a prince
Oh sweetheart, I can totally relate! I finally broke up with my narc fiance last September. For 4 1/2 years, the holidays were especially damaging to me because they were so emotionally important to me, and he knew it. I went overboard to please him, be generous to his kids, only to be treated like a nobody by him. I didn't realize at the time that I was ignoring myself. I didn't know that I was the one hurting myself the most by allowing someone like him to be a part of my life. Honey, hang in there. Even when you want to take him back, DON'T! Journal, listen to music, watch a youtube video about narcissists and hoovering. You have been spared by this 'discarding'. Don't ever let his "hoovering" bring you back to the chaos you have endured. It is finally over. Now the healing begins. I am still healing, and it is a beautiful magical process... a place of genuine self worth and self-love.
+Rose Kawczynski I totally agree. BE THANKFUL the discard has happened. We probably wouldn't have done it. Grab it with both hands. If anything the final discard is your start to a new life. It's your release from torturous relationship. You now can move now to find a normal relationship. Trust me you will. It's great. Took 8 months recovery after discard and discovery of Narcissism.
This is ALL true. I had this experience with a narc family member. Full on drama, destruction, triangulation off the scale. It has always been about this person. They still haven't changed years on! They are just finding other supply. I can now spot a narc a mile away. I am free, happy and surrounded by positive uplifting people who truly love and care. Your videos helped me understand what was going on. You are awesome!
Wow! You have characterized these behaviors so well!!! OMG!!! Your healing my reality! Thank you so very much from a WOMANS PERSPECTIVE!!!! Even with their attempts to ovewrite your comfort level or reality! Wow!
Been there witnessed it and got through it . Takes a lot of strength and working on it for this year as I love my family and Xmas. I t is love for my family that gets me through. As far as the narc it’s his loss as you can never please a narc at Xmas . Such a wonderful time to express love. Never let a narc ruin your Xmas . Fingers crossed we all receive the strength to get through it!
just came across the "love" story of Maria Callas and Ari Onassis, a very eclatant example of narcissist and codependent. my heart went out for her, she sacrificed her career to the altar of what she thought a great love, waited for him and would take him back. that could have been me till a few months back when my eyes were open. thanks Melanie and everybody in this great community. have a great new year!
This describes my sister to a T and explains why she avoided the big family reunion years ago. Although there may have been more reasons than just NPD as she's more BPD with NPD traits. Still, she has a knack for ruining Christmas and blaming it on others. Thank goodness she cut off contact years ago. Holidays are peaceful happy times for me now.
I love you for this...here's to self partnering....It all makes such sense....just the planning of it fills me with joy instead of the dread of worrying what the family think! Who I won't be seeing appart from my Mum who Is a milder Narc/ codependent who I have learnt to better handle as long as I don't romanticise our relationship! You fill my heart with joy...Happy Holidays in sunny Australia!
Melanie, yes here is to self-partnering and all the good stuff that goes with that! I am so pleased I help fill your heart with joy ... Bless and much love and happy holidays to you too Mel ... xoxoxox
Has anyone else experienced when you spend time with the narc, and you aren’t obsessing over them they FaceTime their friend, and rudely have a convo with them and aren’t present? The narc in my family will almost always bring a friend to family events to wait on her, take care of her kids, etc, a lot of times not even asking the host if they can bring a guest. Pattern is So strange
I wonder if anyone else was with a narcissist who convinced them that all celebrations such as birthdays, Christmas, everything, were dumb traditions carried out by emotion-based people and should be ignored? He immediately convinced me my family was my source of weakness when we met, and methodically led me to alienate myself from all family and friends. So all holidays were spent with me feeling alone and being ignored by him.
Liberty Thicket I don't know if it's narcissist behaviour, sounds more like a practical person. I'm the same way, but if my partner wants to celebrate, I let him celebrate without me and go to his family. Just talk to your partner this season, maybe he doesn't know or he feels the same way but doesn't want to tell you out of pride :)
21:29. I now declare and command within this powerful Quantum Healing Container (today) that I AM WORTH IT. I am worth knowing I am an Unlimited Being. Being honored and adored by all of creation. Because I exist. I now Know that the power of my Higher Self and Creation is Who I am. And is never reliant on unavailable or damaged others. It is between Me and Life to know how I am the source to Love and ACCEPT MYSELF warts and all, and come home to knowing my Higher Self Creation and my Inner Being have the power to release the past traumas, patterns, individuals and events that no longer serve me. To make space for Who I really am, I let go of toxic attachments. I come home to healing and loving Me. I come home to being love and generating it with Healthy Others. I open myself to receive and be love and truth, NOW. And so it is. And so it is. And so it is. Ameen.
I found your you tube channel just today and I cant tell you how thankful I am for what you do. I feel like your the only one who really understands what I've been dealing with for so long now and just hearing you speak brought tears to my eyes. My child has been at the mercy of a narcissistic mother and grandmother. They destroyed my life through my child and as you say, sometimes it feels like the hoop just gets even higher, that is an accurate analogy. It sucks, it hurts, and its worries me so much that my daughter will turn out to be like them if I cannot save her. Its sad what our judicial system allows to happen, how kids and fathers are left wounded forever at the mercy of vultures only after money. Narcissists thrive in the environment of the court system and its just not right. Sorry for going off on a rant just dealing with some very fresh open wounds, shes become quite good at using my child to hurt me. I hate it but keep doing what your doing, your a great person for helping the way you do. RH
you are doing God's commission, by spreading light in love. thank you for making your wisdom available to All Of us who need healing of the heart. I love you BACK🙂!
Hi Melanie. I love your insight, expertise, and understanding of a narcissist. I learned through therapy years ago in how to deal with a narcissist and I did resolve many unresolved issues; however your videos refresh my memory. My father was a narcissist. I now have the power and knowledge to properly handle whatever situation comes my way. I do have to catch myself on certain triggers, it does get easier w/time. I never give the narcissist power. I never feed it. Hard to do, but welll worth it. Thanks for your videos, very educational and inspiring!
Thank you Melanie. I've been cheated on 3 times and discarded before Christmas. I have much healing to do with NARP. Thank you for helping me heal at a heart level.
this chirstmas , i diddnt find the energy to put a christmas tree he was happy for tht he hates christmas , but i have kids , so i put my self aside one day bfore christmas i bought one while he was away , bought gifts , put them under the tree, next day made my kids turkey , n we had fun , he wanted to go out to familiy gatherings to look good for ppl, i refused to put on a show , so i stayed he went but came back soon he didnt feel like he was hvjng fun since we didnt join him, its just exhausting . everyday i choose to look at my kids , spend time with them they hold me down to my reality n keep me sane.
2 days b4 Christmas in 2017 my children saved me from my Narcissist of 18 yrs! They made him leave! It took 17 yrs to find out what he was! What was wrong all those yrs.! He ruined all holidays! Kept me from my sisters for 5yrs on holidays. But no more! 2018 Christmas I was able to have Christmas with my family and asked my father to come out to Calif. to finally see his Grandchildren and Great grandchildren. It was Beautiful!
Wow!! Same story over here. 17 years of marriage. 16 Christmases in a row have been a complete F-ing nightmare. Let's put it this way. He knows I love Christmas. So therefore would always tell me Christmas is for kids. Wouldn't want me to spend Christmas with ANY of my family. If I wanted to, he would say they are first priority, I always choose them, blah blah blah. (Guilt trip.) If I stayed home with him, missing my family, he wouldn't do jack shit with me for Christmas. So his expectation: "stop loving Christmas, otherwise you are stupid, Christmas is stupid, however even though I don't care about it or want to celebrate it, don't leave me on Christmas, otherwise I will blame you for leaving me in Christmas." I've spent countless Christmases fighting with him for HOURS before heading off to family's house without him. Where I had to explain to everyone else why I'm alone. And why my husband didn't come. No more. Been separated for about 2 months. Happiest, most freeing, most peaceful 2 months since I was single. (By the way, had to explain to my family: look, stop asking where he is. He's not here. I am. Homeboy's got problems. Let's move on.)
Hi Melanie, thanks for all your help over the last 12 months. It seems to take forever to find your 'true self' and to find self worth. This is a difficult time of year but your programme lessens the pain.
Had Christmas Eve at our house for my family and spent Christmas day with his. At first everything was just fine but All day while I was cooking and getting the house ready he gave me the silent treatment and slammed things around. HE was incredibly rude to my family and said inappropriate things to my adult children. I was so ashamed of him. I got the same treatment Christmas day too. Still have no idea what I did to piss him off. My feelings for him were hanging by a thread and that last thread finally broke. I feel nothing anymore for him....praying God will supply a way out for me.
Get away. It can save your life. You had to get to the point where you chose to make healthy changes. Now you get to carefully and quietly plan your getaway so it's as safe as possible. Be your best self! Shine! Vampires run from the light.
Yes plus I thought if I stop stressing over the bad points of what I thought was wrong (me thinking I was over dwelling) then we would not keep splitting. really that's your inner protection spotting the warning signs !!!
Today is Jan. 9, 2017, and I have just endured the worst holiday season of my life. It knocked me right off my feet, where I didn't even get dressed for a couple of days. I did the mental struggling you talk about and the pain just spiraled. The thing about hitting bottom is that you can use the energy to bounce back up towards the surface and into the light. I really don't think I would have been able to absorb the wisdom of this video without first experiencing all this deep pain and resolving that this would be the absolute last time I will ever expose myself in that way, and that it is possible to wall off from the hurtful person's actions without walling myself off from all the beauty and joy and love in life. This is something I have been trying to figure out for the 44 years of my marriage. This is year 45, which is a multiple of 9 (I admit I don't get all that number stuff, but I think it is quite a coincidence!) I did repeat your affirmation after you while staring at your beautiful Christmas ornaments (we didn't even have a tree this year) and I have hung a special ornament in my kitchen window to look at every day and remind myself of this gift to myself, this resolution to "self-partner" and no longer allow a fractured and damaged person to be in the driver's seat of my life. I'm taking the wheel, baby! And it is about time!
My narc mother kicked my family out on Christmasday.. And we packed up and travelled back home 800 km. Another time she kicked my brother and his family out Just the same One does not forget such things
everything you said , n what others have commented i have gone thru , i an still in this journey with a person that i can now say is a narc for 19 yrs , have 5 children , i have managed in my darkness to see the light the courage to see this videos , to acknowledge that i cant fix my relationship, i m tired , im broken into so many versions of who he wants me to , who i have become , and the me , i use to know there is no trace, i see pictures of ppl laughing , to remind me to laugh, he has drain me of the beauty , have tryed mny times to leave , but this addiction is stronger than me , its something hard to admit, to admit he never loved me , to know im sleeping with my enemy , to know tht when im down he pushes me lower , i have began to rebel, i began already to speak , i guessed the fear of dying has disappered , the fear of something happeining to me has dimished , wht else can he do he hasnt done before ,
Great video Melanie, I learned a lot. What helps me get through the holiday season, is my time at the gym and the book store. And just quiet time at home. I also learned to limit the time I spend with the narc. Then I focus on my own self-love and self-care.
Thanks for video. Thanks all posts. I too have had lifetime dysfunction all family due to narc box and alienation of my dad who p passed in 2010 alone, terrible circumstance. Me guilt due to my blindness. Now elderly mom needy, sick but still it's all about her! Sad. Thank goodness I don't live under same roof. God bless us! You have to live it to believe it.
the worst Christmas for me was dropping my kids off at their dad's house and under the enormous tree was a mountain of presents plus tricycle for their half sister aged 3 while they each got one present. I felt sick to my stomach that they were being set up at their ages to feel emotions that by then they "knew" were "bad" eg jealousy. Here we are twenty odd years later and my older son is still dealing with these feelings
Though we have not met in person, you are beautiful inside and out! And you have a big, beautiful, Christmas Tree!! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you!!!🌲
You are so right! How many times did he just disappear on my BD, Mother's Day, but never on Father's Day because its in between his two sons birthdays so I gave them a triple party! And Christmas was universally criticized!i gave too many presents to the kids, the kids weren't opening the gifts fast enough(groan, after all that work wrapping and they couldn't stop to enjoy), or to back date Halloween was about going as long as you could to get the most candy, and then he forbid them to eat it!!!
what a wonderful inspiring holiday message Melanie. I like what you said about not revolving ourselves around the malfunctioning toxic person. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and many thx for the great work you do xo.
I believe in divine appointments… And here I am watching this on Christmas Day 2018… Even though I joined this program before Christmas last year, I never saw this video… I just now made it to module 2 yesterday driving in my car for the holidays and even module 3 because I didn’t Work the program consistently and now after about completing module 1 about 15 Times, I decided to move on to module 2 and it felt very empowering I think I was ready and I needed it it also gave me a new momentum for the new year to move on and be more consistent with my healing thank you so much Melanie and I hope you’re having a great time somewhere on another beach a year later. I see I’m the only person that has commented since two years ago on this video… I think it is a wonderful video and I’m not sure how it came across it I think it was in the email… Anyway it was perfect timing I’m not having another miserable Christmas I am loving myself and in bracing myself just for doing these modules on the road on being rewarded already! Thank you again and light and love to you… You were so beautiful… What do you use to make your teeth so white I want to go to the dentist and have something professional done to get mine. to look as beautiful and white is yours! I can’t afford veneers yet… Is that what you have or did you do some other kind of whitening system?
Hi DSP, I am so pleased you are doing well with NARP and feeling relief and your personal power return. Thank you and I am about to have a beautiful day on my local beach - with my lovely man and family. How wonderful you are embracing you. Yes, my teeth are veneers, I had them done many years ago! Christmas blessings to you xoxox
Thanks Melonie felt tingles of joy with the mantra as I lie in bed at my parents place just near you on the peninsular. My mother cold shouldered me from the moment I arrived and played my sister off from me. It's been painful and triggering and I did point out the behaviour this time. The work I've done with Narp and other clearing techniques has served me well and Ive dealt with the situation waaay better this time. Time for a walk to Pelican Point! Enjoy your break !! xx
yes thank you Melanie I did . The peninsular is a large part of my childhood. Home now *phew*. All the best for 2017! I certainly feel positive about a new start xx
I refused to go because my husband ruins every Xmas. He flirts publicly humilates and discards all of our daughter's and myself as well. That's just a small view of the picture. I stayed home after he told me I don't deserve a Xmas present. UGH. By the way my daughter's are married adults.
I go silent on false blame and denial. I've been "allowed" to: so far. I have 100 pounds on my narcissist and she still scares the heck out of me. I don't control and lie and steal and twist the truth or infer negative assumptions or threaten or try to validate false accusations they opportunities of temporary slips. My ex is a sick ticket. Classic. Every symptom and more. Yet, so much more. Sometimes; giving, never understanding, so confusing.
Thank you. Oponopono is a great way of healing yourself too. Thought I made it upon Christmas but no, a week later I was proved to be wrong. Won't happen again. i've learnt my lesson.
Melanie, this was such a powerful, meaningful, inspiring and heartfelt message and I can't thank YOU enough for making it and sending it out to all of us subscribers out here! Message well received and I just SO appreciate it and the timely topic and all that you discussed herein couldn't be anymore timely and fitting for me personally right now! Also, the mantra at the end I did along with you and that was powerful, beautiful and such a symbolic way to end out 2016 as well as to prepare as we face the approaching holday(s) that can indeed be incredibly triggering for so many of us with narcissistic abuse related issues that we are struggling with. Best wishes to you and yours & many many blessings to you Melanie as you relax these next couple of weeks on the beach in sunny and warm (I'm jealous....it's very cold and damp here where I'm at in North America, of course!) Australia!! ❤️and a big cyber hug from me to you and, wishing you a very Merry Christmas, too!! PR
Love this video. So spot on for my experience. I knew for many years something was off about our family narc. About a year ago I learned about Custer B and it literally opened my eye's to a whole new world of understanding. Finally had a ton of answers about so much. For years my brother and I just kind of went grey rock without even knowing what grey rock was. Just don't poke the bear so to speak. However grey rock didn't work out for either of us. It took years of grey rock to finally break down because Melanie is exactly right when she says they study us and get to know the boundaries that trigger our emotion. The holidays trigger a lot of negative emotions for me. I'm only 1.5 years no contact so still very fresh.
Hi Loupizza22 this video may explain things further for you sweetheart blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-grey-rock-alone-wont-keep-you-safe-from-narcissists/ love to you and your brother xoxox
Thank you for sharing this video about narcissism and Christmas! I used to be so miserable at Christmas!! Since I went no contact with the narcissistic relatives, Christmas is now joy, peace and happiness to look forward too!!!🎅
my narc used to torture me every blasted holiday, refuse to eat the meal i made, silent treatment. our first christmas he was nice 4 weeks straight as soon as he got his presents i got a 2 week silent treatment, kicked out of the bedroom in my own home. his excuse for his abuse that eventually became physical was his poor baby ass is alienated from his kids by his ex. i cant blame her and i think she is doing the right thing. be careful who cries about being alone/punished on Christmas or any holiday sometimes its the abuser whining. and i highly doubt his alienation is triggering his behavior problems cuz we met the first time weeks befor easter, we still lived separate and the minute i got out of work on that first easter he was all up my butt about bringing me easter dinner, if the separation from his kids was the cause of everything then that first easter he wouldn't have been up my rear end, he would have been upset and probably not hitting me up to bring me dinner. liars liars liars
joan baczek he faked the beginning I'm sure. It was difficult for him to keep up the facade then he knew he would slowly take off the mask of the angry monster
I was just discarded before Thanksgiving and I'm still broken. He discarded me for someone else w/his triangulation w/his ex, he kept saying he was done w/ and new supply he was working on it was so obvious when he would get text, his eyes would literally light up. I miss the Sweet Kind man I met and I knew but it was all a lie-?! He even came back to patch things up only to Final Discard me Again!! Pissed me off, that was the last straw and changed all my phone numbers and blocked him. Thanks again for your support and Reminding us their idiots!!! I keep Praying for Strength and heartbreak and in total disbelieve, broken and numb. What is your blog to help for healing?
Chiclet, it totally is possible to heal, and by turning inwards to do so we can create true Thriver Recovery. My blog is blog.melanietoniaevans.com ... hugs xoxox
my daughter is dating one and i spent chritmas by myself because i was sick fell asleep didnt dry her clthes..so no granddaughter who loves to visit me..very sad christmas
I was in tears listening to this. I desperatly needed this. my mother is the person who is a narc. Shes trying to use my 3 yr old son as a reason to be connected. ive been no contact for almost a month. my mom adores my son. but I just cant do it anymore. and I feel sick to my stomach about christmas. I just dont know what to do. I was planning on texting her saying we are coming and I dont want any drama or we will politly leave. that was my plan. now Im not sure
"Shes trying to use my 3 yr old son" is all you need to remember. If you weren't related to her, would you still interact with her? I know it's hard to let go of the obligation and guilt of withholding a grandchild from his grandmother, but in all honesty, you're really protecting him. And yourself! She's using your fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you and that's not good for either you OR your son. It can be very hard at first to say no and go against the instinct to comply for the sake of "preserving family bonds". I went though it with my ex. But in the long run it pays off and your immediate family will be far happier and healthier. Your son can't protect himself. He needs you to advocate for him and protect him. He may never understand what you've done for him, but he'll be so much better off for it. I hope things are going better for you now this year.
I changed my phone number, so he can hoover how ever long he wants...I'm not seeing anything, and this makes me feel good. I feel at peace staying out of any contact with him.
How do we go about taking responsibility for healing our wounds as opposed to blaming ourselves for attracting yet another narcissist into our lives? I've been working on healing for the past year and whenever I encounter yet another narcissist that seems to be drooling at the sight of me, I become very discouraged and think I attracted this type of person once again. Or an old narcissist contacts me and I get discouraged once again and I start blaming myself and my wounds and thinking "I thought I already healed that stuff so why is it happening again?!" Does anyone else go through this? Whenever something bad or negative comes my way, I think according to these laws of reflection and attraction that it's somehow my fault for bringing these into my outer reality and that if I was just healed enough or emotionally less wounded, or if my vibration was high enough, that I wouldn't attract any negative thing and my day would be sunny and rosy. Am I being too controlling here? Are there things in our outer reality that we just can't control if our vibration is still high? Like if we have healed and our vibration is high, can narcissists still come along and try to talk to us? Or am I still too wounded to have any positive thing come into my reality? Confused and discouraged in healing...
BhavZ I really really wish someone would actually address this because it's the dark side of this shiny "be the master of your own life" thing and I really don't think it should be overlooked. I mean maybe it does make sense in some way or maybe we just don't know quite that much about the dynamics in this world and there is something that we're overlooking. But I really wish there was an answer or at least thoughts on it.
MANY men will come your way! Your job is to move quickly through them until the 'wheel' lands on a good, KIND one! Do not EVER believe you have attracted 'another narcissist' into your life because you are not yet healed!! You are healed the moment you are aware that you need to let go. Turning the 'bad guys' that come your way into SELF-abuse ( i 'attracted' yet another. . . into my life.) is part of the problem! You'll have to eliminate MANY before you land a like-minded guy. It's just how it is in life! Healing is 'not blaming' yourself for what comes into yourself from the 'outside'. I once asked a friend how she 'found' her wonderful guy. She said, 'they get three chances to behave like an !@#$#%. Third time they're OUT. When i met frank he just NEVER acted like an !@#$%* so i married him!
I think when you have healed and your vibration is high this is what the narcissist wants from you. your energy and happiness they want to take for themselves. They are like spiritual vampires... you will learn to expect it when you are happy and you will set firm rules within yourself (boundaries) stopping them from harming you. Hope that helps
Probably the better and stronger you are your light attracts those vampires. You are on the right track at recognizing them. There's just a lot of them out there.
If I was younger, I'd be outta here. Too many years invested. However, I want to encourage all the young people out there (50 and younger), GET OUT if your life becomes a distortion of your dream because of the lies of another. Too late for me. Not for YOU. Make what's left of your life BEAUTIFUL. God Bless.
Have you ever encountered a narcissist who knows how to give a three-part (full) apology, and appears to be completely remorseful, without any strings attached, at this time of year? My narcissistic mother came to me on the 23rd of December, and seemed genuine--even some of her behavior appears to display genuine remorse. She says she went to counseling, and is trying to change. Is this hoovering? I don't know. >_< I AM about to move out in less than a week! Perhaps she feels like she's losing control. I'm just confused, and need to gain some distance.
+DarthxErik , Classic pattern of abuser: 1. grooming/nice; 2. gets suddenly mad; can act-out bad, be verbally inappropriate, physical too; 3. acts sorry, sometimes deeply sorry for their behaviors; 4. promises to never do it again. Except they do. Imho, some part of them really is sorry; they really dislike what they do [unless the perp is closer to being a psychopath, where there''s n ability to sense what others feel, believes they're entitled to do whatever, etc.] But they cannot stop themselves repeating. Moving...sometimes far away, can really help. Having a PO Box in another town so they don't know exact location, helps. Setting limits on how they are allowed to contact you, and how often, helps. Limiting them contacting you, to only print [email, letters, texts], helps, and gives you time to think carefully about how or if to respond, and you have records of what they communicated, in case of need.
My ex and a former boss both used to give me the same exact guilty look before they were about to say or do something awful, like they were self aware and regretted their imminent actions but knew they couldn't help themselves. I wasn't able to identify this look for the longest time because I didn't quite understand what was happening at the time, but it was definitely guilt. So yeah, maybe some do actually have some kind of remorse before or after, although it's no excuse for the abuse. It doesn't really matter if their regret is genuine if they're not able to use it to stop hurting others.
as I'm listening to you -an other Christmas with NPD 2 yeah he refused to join the family meal while he started writing the great British novel lolol. NPD 3 went to planet "I feel suicidal ". No more NPDs for me. thanks Melanie
My narc made a hoover attempt by sending me a merry Christmas text after three months of complete silence. She then vanished after I sent her a merry Christmas text back. Nothing else was said. Why would she vanish after the hoover attempt.
Theresa Brewer wow ok I just thought that she would started a conversation after wishing me a merry Christmas. I was thinking that she was waiting for me to ask her how she was doing but I didn't want to get sucked back in so I didn't say anything more. thankyou.
Because you only echo'd the same generic greeting; because you did not even ask "how are you", her 'hook' broke...she lost the hook. She might try again. Only keeping it generic, short, dismissive, breaks the hooks. Avoiding sharing ANY personal information with narc.'s is very important; if you must lie to give a polite answer, sometimes it's necessary...like saying "everything's fine" if asked how you are...even if you are staggering under troubles.
My Narc abandoned me on Christmas day, and decided to give me the usual silent treatment out of the blue with no appearent reason. I was left alone on Christmas Eve with my tree and all the presents I bought for her ^_^ Fortunately I had already identified her as a NP and I had started to detach emotionally. Everytime I decide Ive had enough of it she reverts to being lovely and kind. its really disturbing... ^^"
i commented that before even seeing the.video hahaha. But I'm.used to this feeling now, as Melanie's videos always nail it. I am not surprised anymore as the Narcs behavior starts to be so predictable to me... ***sigh***
Thank you for your positive and kind words i truly connect with your words . its profound . i never imagined myself in this place but painfully here i am not as a sook but trying to make some sense of what the fuck has just happened to me . she left lied abused deceived and turned up two days before xmas in her boyfriends car . triangulating confusion between us all . i wanted to care but that would be fruitless and embarrassing . i will heal as you have alluded to . thanks again . Peace
My N canceled a big trip for Christmas last year. This year blocked me out after Halloween. I'm done with touching the hot burning stove for the last time.
I decided i would have Christmas day with my family and friends without him. He is not gonna be a meany scrooge to me or my family and friends. I am gonna make Christmas tamales on the eve. Looks like i do have some new 2018 goals to work towards. Self healing and love is what i to to teach myself because im mentally broken by him and im sick of it.
He destroyed my life after 35 years of marriage i was with him since i was 17 teen .he ran away with another woman she has nothing 2 offer him except sex
Can you please make a video of how to identify a narcissist because I feel sometimes, videos I find online are very vague. In our lifetime most of these traits are common in people (myself included) sometimes, we react badly if family members relatives are being pushy I am not a narcissist X) I have gone to a therapist and know for certain I am an empath. Thanks for the videos, really do enjoy them :) it's been helpful also some narcissist turn the table on you when you react or snap at their bad reactions.
Hi Melanie, I'm a new subscriber and I wanted to know how I can help my grandchildren..ages 9&6. We can only see the kids when our son comes exhausted and brings them over, she refuses to come to our home, which I assume makes the kids really confused.We barely get 2-21/2 hours with them a month..if that. We can't give them a special treat and it seems she tries to make visiting us a difficult thing.The youngest, blood grandchild to my husband is very confused and he seems to always want to make things for his mother (the narcissist) when he visits. His sister is not our blood grandchild but we love her so. She has started to be troublesome at school and puts things like, I don't know, I don't care on her tests or other papers. She is very bright. How can my husband and I help them in any way.
VCcoffee68 I feel so much for you and your family ... please know I have over the years created quite a few resources in regard to our children with narcissists. If you google my name + children + coparenting you will find a lot of information to help. And I hope it can ... xoxox
"stop walking around in fear, on broken glass, organizing our life around someone else's wounded, malfunctioning self" - WOW!!
This explains why I was discarded and why I have been finding it hard to enjoy Christmas the last few years. I have been numb to Christmas and lost all the joy and fun. I am going to spoil myself this year.
Defo do it....u desserve it 💖
Did my shopping alone , watching all the families and couples together made me feel so alone. It's the saddest feeling. I know I didn't do anything wrong and I made the right decison to leave and not get hoovered. But at times like this I can't shake the feeling that I deserved this somehow and I will die alone I can't imagine anyone ever being with me. I've always been discarded by many. Makes me think nothing will change because I can't imagine meeting healthy people who can be true and honest on all levels. I don't know if I would even recognize one
john garcia stop disregarding yourself and see what a miraculas change will happen in your life
they are mirroring to you how you feel about yourself...
I can relate. I just got rid of Xmas :)try it
john garcia You will not die alone. Stay positive. Hold every thought captive. If your thoughts arent helping you change your thinking. Remember we have what we say..
You need to rid yourself of toxic people to make space for healthier people to come in to your life. It may feel empty now, but if there is no space, there is no room for healthier people to come in. It is better to have temporary space than toxicity in your life. Sending you healing, health, self-care and self-love ...
This Christmas has been so peaceful and calm, having put distance between myself and l the narcissists I am left with true authentic people for the first time in my life and its amazing. No arguing, no bad atmosphere, no negativity. Xx
This is such a source of strength for me right now, thankyou so much. My narc ruined EVERY CHRISTMAS, I developed several health conditions linked to anxiety and this was a wonderful reminder to how much better off I am on my own.
Thank you so much i am completely free of narcs from my life & have finally found the courage to go no contact. The amazing thing is once i set boundaries they choose to walk away. My 1st Christmas with just me & my children no stress were going to bake & make our own decorations. Thank you these videos have help me understand why i do what i do & how i can change :) xx
I'm developing my own rituals this year, I'm way beyond the constrictions of blind cultural-conditioning. Them fake in-laws, awkward conversations, everybody on devices, house quiet and tension-filled. And the part where the narcissist gets you alone and brings up the past traumas, you know that year end, toxic, play-by-play conversation. Hell No! I'm Ghandi this year NON-PARTICIPATION.
Awesome Andrew! Thrive on Dear One xoxox
Hello Melanie. I know that you are probably extremely busy with your work and productions, but recently I have been watching your videos and I am now beginning to see the tactics of the narcissist manifest in real-time. I have a sibling that I am trying to clear from my life and energy -field and I believe she is in the beginning phase of the "Hoovering" technique. She's already sent a "flying monkey" who left a message at my door. No name or number. My neighbor said it was some "man" in a black car. She has a flair for the dramatic. And of course the note said that the matter was very "important" please call! I did what I said I wasn't gonna do and that was to have no contact at all with her.But first, she says that she had been trying to get in contact with me, and that when ever (you stop communication abruptly) that mean that you have relapsed).This used to be the case, when I was in active addiction, and she would discard me, pick back up with me , have familial engagements, and then discard me again! It would trigger feelings of worthlessness, resentment, anger, and frustration, and then very soon I would be lost in "Stinking-Thinking" and I would fold under pressure and succumb once again to self-destructive behavior. She never once looked at her own behavior, her lies and total disregard for my being (the discard at whim, with no warning or reason).As you might or might not know, the Veteran's Day Holiday in The U.S. just passed. I received no acknowledgement or recognition from her at all, nor from my young nephews! Do you see, the dirty-low-down game that is being played, Melanie? Of course you do, because I know you've seen it all before.She says: "I just want to make sure you're still alive?" Yeah, Freakin right! I stopped calling her. I stop texting her, and I unfollowed and blocked her on facebook. But back to the text: I promptly replied to her text, "Relapse on what, Knowledge" (that meaning knowledge of her deceit and duplicity). and I then replied:There's no weakness here." And I left it like that. She sends me her # but I delete it as soon as it comes across my phone. I have absolutely no interest in contacting her. Your videos have helped me to recognize and become conscious, of behaviors and treatment that I knew was being directed against me, but I was approaching the situation from a rationally, egotistically place. The narcissist has no boundaries, I remember you saying. You also said in your video: "How to outsmart a narcissist" that you can't confront or counter-act the narcissist from a place of unconsciousness. So, I have made the Conscious decision not to engage in a verbally combative way, because as you said: "The narcissist knows what wounds to smash open, and they will energize those old wounds and magnify their trauma not maximum intensity! (paraphrase). I will go on no further with you about the matter I just wanted to tell you that your teachings are right and exact.Well, that's what's been happening in the past few days. I becamecognizant of my lifetime of trauma and abuse at the hands of this person as November 6, 2017 and everything you said the narcissit will do or attempt top do has already manifested like clock work. I study Tarot and even the Tarot science is saying hey this is what's happening with this person. They are trying to trigger a downfall and a save, so that they can hook back into your soul at the weakest point. Melanie, I try to be a decent, and strong person, I don't bother anyone, nor I desire to cause pain in the lives of others. I hope you give thought to all that I have said. I would like to receive some quick insight from you concerning my situation. I thank you for your time, I will continue to watch your most invaluable video, and I will look into your training sessions, when time permits I will enroll. Once again thank you for your time and patienceSincerely, Andrew X
Yassss
Makes so much sense. My narc totally spoiled Xmas, used the excuse that she didn't get breakfast. My mother noticed and put her in her place, but that night I endured the rage, her eyes were black and demonic. Then the 2 hour drive home the next day was torture.
The eyes I’ve seen it it wasn’t pleasant I’ve been in discards with her I’ve seen her yell but this last time was different it was out of no where with no reason just blacked out eyes uncontrollable yelling and not one time did she blink
Just got discarded. After giving his children gifts and having a special time with them. He Discarded me today. Right before Christmas. This isn't the first time either. I've spent more than one Christmas morning alone. 6.5 years w/him and he still spoils almost every holiday. But of course it's my fault. I've been crying all day non-stop. I need to find a way to get through this.
Avie Jane
Huggs & love. The absolute b*stard! You have the strength within you to let this be for the last time. I really hope you're ok.
Stay strong
Love & Light xxx
Avie Jane
dear Avid Jane..I my 3 year's with my Nark ex I didn't spend any Christmas or new years with him. I now know this isn't normal in a healthy relationship. only got one present for one of those Christmases too. 6/7th parts if the total relationship I was. on my own. unbelievable that I put up with this. I got silent treatment either by every time i be driving and he never spoke (I felt very uncomfortable) or the long gaps of when I didn't see him usually about a 2 weeks absence. I foolishly thought because I being strong and not taking Anthony rubbish from him but always felt relieved when he contacted me again. same pattern about 40 times. it will never change for you. let discovery of NPD be your closure. Anna
Avie Jane ...going ahead and enjoying your holiday is the best revenge they love it when they get the better of u they love it when they see u miserable....so dry your tears throw on a smile and enjoy your self like u said he has done this before.. I recommend u get narc.free for 2017....why stay with a frog ...when u can move forward and find a prince
Oh sweetheart, I can totally relate! I finally broke up with my narc fiance last September. For 4 1/2 years, the holidays were especially damaging to me because they were so emotionally important to me, and he knew it. I went overboard to please him, be generous to his kids, only to be treated like a nobody by him. I didn't realize at the time that I was ignoring myself. I didn't know that I was the one hurting myself the most by allowing someone like him to be a part of my life. Honey, hang in there. Even when you want to take him back, DON'T! Journal, listen to music, watch a youtube video about narcissists and hoovering. You have been spared by this 'discarding'. Don't ever let his "hoovering" bring you back to the chaos you have endured. It is finally over. Now the healing begins. I am still healing, and it is a beautiful magical process... a place of genuine self worth and self-love.
+Rose Kawczynski
I totally agree. BE THANKFUL the discard has happened. We probably wouldn't have done it. Grab it with both hands. If anything the final discard is your start to a new life. It's your release from torturous relationship. You now can move now to find a normal relationship. Trust me you will. It's great. Took 8 months recovery after discard and discovery of Narcissism.
This is ALL true. I had this experience with a narc family member. Full on drama, destruction, triangulation off the scale. It has always been about this person. They still haven't changed years on! They are just finding other supply. I can now spot a narc a mile away. I am free, happy and surrounded by positive uplifting people who truly love and care. Your videos helped me understand what was going on. You are awesome!
Awesome Shiera!! I am delighted they helped you hun!! love and blessings to you xoxox
Got to feel it to heal it. Peace. It gets better.
Wow! You have characterized these behaviors so well!!! OMG!!! Your healing my reality! Thank you so very much from a WOMANS PERSPECTIVE!!!! Even with their attempts to ovewrite your comfort level or reality! Wow!
Been there witnessed it and got through it . Takes a lot of strength and working on it for this year as I love my family and Xmas. I t is love for my family that gets me through. As far as the narc it’s his loss as you can never please a narc at Xmas . Such a wonderful time to express love. Never let a narc ruin your Xmas . Fingers crossed we all receive the strength to get through it!
just came across the "love" story of Maria Callas and Ari Onassis, a very eclatant example of narcissist and codependent. my heart went out for her, she sacrificed her career to the altar of what she thought a great love, waited for him and would take him back. that could have been me till a few months back when my eyes were open. thanks Melanie and everybody in this great community. have a great new year!
This describes my sister to a T and explains why she avoided the big family reunion years ago. Although there may have been more reasons than just NPD as she's more BPD with NPD traits. Still, she has a knack for ruining Christmas and blaming it on others. Thank goodness she cut off contact years ago. Holidays are peaceful happy times for me now.
I love you for this...here's to self partnering....It all makes such sense....just the planning of it fills me with joy instead of the dread of worrying what the family think! Who I won't be seeing appart from my Mum who Is a milder Narc/ codependent who I have learnt to better handle as long as I don't romanticise our relationship! You fill my heart with joy...Happy Holidays in sunny Australia!
Melanie, yes here is to self-partnering and all the good stuff that goes with that! I am so pleased I help fill your heart with joy ... Bless and much love and happy holidays to you too Mel ... xoxoxox
Melanie Tonia Evans
Aiza
Has anyone else experienced when you spend time with the narc, and you aren’t obsessing over them they FaceTime their friend, and rudely have a convo with them and aren’t present? The narc in my family will almost always bring a friend to family events to wait on her, take care of her kids, etc, a lot of times not even asking the host if they can bring a guest. Pattern is So strange
Thank you, Melanie, for helping me get through this trauma.
My pleasure Eammon xoxo
I wonder if anyone else was with a narcissist who convinced them that all celebrations such as birthdays, Christmas, everything, were dumb traditions carried out by emotion-based people and should be ignored? He immediately convinced me my family was my source of weakness when we met, and methodically led me to alienate myself from all family and friends. So all holidays were spent with me feeling alone and being ignored by him.
Liberty Thicket I don't know if it's narcissist behaviour, sounds more like a practical person. I'm the same way, but if my partner wants to celebrate, I let him celebrate without me and go to his family. Just talk to your partner this season, maybe he doesn't know or he feels the same way but doesn't want to tell you out of pride :)
Bookmarked, saved, added to favourites etc etc...need to watch this over and over in the next few days! Thank you xx
21:29.
I now declare and command within this powerful Quantum Healing Container (today) that I AM WORTH IT. I am worth knowing I am an Unlimited Being. Being honored and adored by all of creation. Because I exist. I now Know that the power of my Higher Self and Creation is Who I am. And is never reliant on unavailable or damaged others. It is between Me and Life to know how I am the source to Love and ACCEPT MYSELF warts and all, and come home to knowing my Higher Self Creation and my Inner Being have the power to release the past traumas, patterns, individuals and events that no longer serve me. To make space for Who I really am, I let go of toxic attachments. I come home to healing and loving Me. I come home to being love and generating it with Healthy Others. I open myself to receive and be love and truth, NOW. And so it is. And so it is. And so it is. Ameen.
Thank you for the prayer. I was in analysis paralysis for 4 months or longer when with the N and without this is a beast.
I found your you tube channel just today and I cant tell you how thankful I am for what you do. I feel like your the only one who really understands what I've been dealing with for so long now and just hearing you speak brought tears to my eyes. My child has been at the mercy of a narcissistic mother and grandmother. They destroyed my life through my child and as you say, sometimes it feels like the hoop just gets even higher, that is an accurate analogy. It sucks, it hurts, and its worries me so much that my daughter will turn out to be like them if I cannot save her. Its sad what our judicial system allows to happen, how kids and fathers are left wounded forever at the mercy of vultures only after money. Narcissists thrive in the environment of the court system and its just not right. Sorry for going off on a rant just dealing with some very fresh open wounds, shes become quite good at using my child to hurt me. I hate it but keep doing what your doing, your a great person for helping the way you do.
RH
you are doing God's commission, by spreading light in love. thank you for making your wisdom available to All Of us who need healing of the heart. I love you BACK🙂!
Hi Melanie. I love your insight, expertise, and understanding of a narcissist. I learned through therapy years ago in how to deal with a narcissist and I did resolve many unresolved issues; however your videos refresh my memory. My father was a narcissist. I now have the power and knowledge to properly handle whatever situation comes my way. I do have to catch myself on certain triggers, it does get easier w/time. I never give the narcissist power. I never feed it. Hard to do, but welll worth it. Thanks for your videos, very educational and inspiring!
Thank you Melanie. I've been cheated on 3 times and discarded before Christmas. I have much healing to do with NARP. Thank you for helping me heal at a heart level.
James, you re so welcome ... NARP will help you achieve this so much! xoxoxo
this chirstmas , i diddnt find the energy to put a christmas tree he was happy for tht he hates christmas , but i have kids , so i put my self aside one day bfore christmas i bought one while he was away , bought gifts , put them under the tree, next day made my kids turkey , n we had fun , he wanted to go out to familiy gatherings to look good for ppl, i refused to put on a show , so i stayed he went but came back soon he didnt feel like he was hvjng fun since we didnt join him, its just exhausting . everyday i choose to look at my kids , spend time with them they hold me down to my reality n keep me sane.
2 days b4 Christmas in 2017 my children saved me from my Narcissist of 18 yrs! They made him leave! It took 17 yrs to find out what he was! What was wrong all those yrs.! He ruined all holidays! Kept me from my sisters for 5yrs on holidays. But no more! 2018 Christmas I was able to have Christmas with my family and asked my father to come out to Calif. to finally see his Grandchildren and Great grandchildren. It was Beautiful!
Wow!! Same story over here. 17 years of marriage. 16 Christmases in a row have been a complete F-ing nightmare. Let's put it this way. He knows I love Christmas. So therefore would always tell me Christmas is for kids. Wouldn't want me to spend Christmas with ANY of my family. If I wanted to, he would say they are first priority, I always choose them, blah blah blah. (Guilt trip.) If I stayed home with him, missing my family, he wouldn't do jack shit with me for Christmas. So his expectation: "stop loving Christmas, otherwise you are stupid, Christmas is stupid, however even though I don't care about it or want to celebrate it, don't leave me on Christmas, otherwise I will blame you for leaving me in Christmas." I've spent countless Christmases fighting with him for HOURS before heading off to family's house without him. Where I had to explain to everyone else why I'm alone. And why my husband didn't come. No more. Been separated for about 2 months. Happiest, most freeing, most peaceful 2 months since I was single. (By the way, had to explain to my family: look, stop asking where he is. He's not here. I am. Homeboy's got problems. Let's move on.)
you just made my day so much better. thank you. love you too
This was an amazing help. Thankyou for sharing you knowledge and compassion. I am very grateful.
All of the above happens on Christmas. Thanks for being here, Melanie.
My pleasure viclloyd1 xoxox
Hi Melanie, thanks for all your help over the last 12 months. It seems to take forever to find your 'true self' and to find self worth. This is a difficult time of year but your programme lessens the pain.
I am so pleased I can help kentoxymoron ... keep healing, you've got this!! xoxox
Had Christmas Eve at our house for my family and spent Christmas day with his. At first everything was just fine but All day while I was cooking and getting the house ready he gave me the silent treatment and slammed things around. HE was incredibly rude to my family and said inappropriate things to my adult children. I was so ashamed of him. I got the same treatment Christmas day too. Still have no idea what I did to piss him off. My feelings for him were hanging by a thread and that last thread finally broke. I feel nothing anymore for him....praying God will supply a way out for me.
Get away. It can save your life. You had to get to the point where you chose to make healthy changes. Now you get to carefully and quietly plan your getaway so it's as safe as possible. Be your best self! Shine! Vampires run from the light.
Send him a lump of coal
They're jealous you care about making yiur family happy and don't want you to have any support.
Your NARP program is life saving thank you dear Melanie
You are so welcome and I am really pleased it is helping you JF - Thrive on Dear One xoxox
the more painful triggers are the "good memories" it Makes me feel I messed up a good thing....that I didn't do enough and I gave up too soon.
secular society
I used to make miss my ex Nark but no longer because they are false.
Yes plus I thought if I stop stressing over the bad points of what I thought was wrong (me thinking I was over dwelling) then we would not keep splitting. really that's your inner protection spotting the warning signs !!!
Wow! The new for the rest of my life ! 💥💥💥💥
Thank you, we love you!
Today is Jan. 9, 2017, and I have just endured the worst holiday season of my life. It knocked me right off my feet, where I didn't even get dressed for a couple of days. I did the mental struggling you talk about and the pain just spiraled. The thing about hitting bottom is that you can use the energy to bounce back up towards the surface and into the light. I really don't think I would have been able to absorb the wisdom of this video without first experiencing all this deep pain and resolving that this would be the absolute last time I will ever expose myself in that way, and that it is possible to wall off from the hurtful person's actions without walling myself off from all the beauty and joy and love in life. This is something I have been trying to figure out for the 44 years of my marriage. This is year 45, which is a multiple of 9 (I admit I don't get all that number stuff, but I think it is quite a coincidence!) I did repeat your affirmation after you while staring at your beautiful Christmas ornaments (we didn't even have a tree this year) and I have hung a special ornament in my kitchen window to look at every day and remind myself of this gift to myself, this resolution to "self-partner" and no longer allow a fractured and damaged person to be in the driver's seat of my life. I'm taking the wheel, baby! And it is about time!
My narc mother kicked my family out on Christmasday.. And we packed up and travelled back home 800 km. Another time she kicked my brother and his family out Just the same One does not forget such things
everything you said , n what others have commented i have gone thru , i an still in this journey with a person that i can now say is a narc for 19 yrs , have 5 children , i have managed in my darkness to see the light the courage to see this videos , to acknowledge that i cant fix my relationship, i m tired , im broken into so many versions of who he wants me to , who i have become , and the me , i use to know there is no trace, i see pictures of ppl laughing , to remind me to laugh, he has drain me of the beauty , have tryed mny times to leave , but this addiction is stronger than me , its something hard to admit, to admit he never loved me , to know im sleeping with my enemy , to know tht when im down he pushes me lower , i have began to rebel, i began already to speak , i guessed the fear of dying has disappered , the fear of something happeining to me has dimished , wht else can he do he hasnt done before ,
Great video Melanie, I learned a lot. What helps me get through the holiday season, is my time at the gym and the book store. And just quiet time at home. I also learned to limit the time I spend with the narc. Then I focus on my own self-love and self-care.
lots of love Melanie, may all the love you give out, come back to you one hundred fold. xxxxx
Awww thank you nux dtx, and so much love to you too darling one xoxo
Thanks for video. Thanks all posts. I too have had lifetime dysfunction all family due to narc box and alienation of my dad who p passed in 2010 alone, terrible circumstance. Me guilt due to my blindness. Now elderly mom needy, sick but still it's all about her! Sad. Thank goodness I don't live under same roof. God bless us! You have to live it to believe it.
My dad the narcissist gave me the exact same gift as the year before a corner palm sander. since he was required to give a gift this was his way of it
thanks for the insights and reminders.
the worst Christmas for me was dropping my kids off at their dad's house and under the enormous tree was a mountain of presents plus tricycle for their half sister aged 3 while they each got one present. I felt sick to my stomach that they were being set up at their ages to feel emotions that by then they "knew" were "bad" eg jealousy. Here we are twenty odd years later and my older son is still dealing with these feelings
Screw him, have your own Christmas without him
For me present trauma triggers the past ones going way back
transform into radiance.......beautiful
God Bless You, you are so wonderful. Thank you so much....
Though we have not met in person, you are beautiful inside and out! And you have a big, beautiful, Christmas Tree!! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you!!!🌲
Thank you Danielle and Happy New Year to you too hun xoxox
Melanie Tonia Evans You are welcome! And best wishes for the New Year!🍭
Outstanding! ❤
20222 and beyond 🙏❤️
You are so right! How many times did he just disappear on my BD, Mother's Day, but never on Father's Day because its in between his two sons birthdays so I gave them a triple party! And Christmas was universally criticized!i gave too many presents to the kids, the kids weren't opening the gifts fast enough(groan, after all that work wrapping and they couldn't stop to enjoy), or to back date Halloween was about going as long as you could to get the most candy, and then he forbid them to eat it!!!
what a wonderful inspiring holiday message Melanie. I like what you said about not revolving ourselves around the malfunctioning toxic person. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and many thx for the great work you do xo.
Hi Marie, you are so welcome. I am so pleased that resonated strongly with you and wishing you a wonderful Christmas and holiday time! xoxoxo
I just got rid of Christmas :) too easy!
oh hi Melanie, good morning! same to you... Have a great holiday seasons!! and lets continue to keep Shining! (; ☆☆ ♡
Hi Martha, shine on too dear one!! Happy Holidays! xoxoxo
I believe in divine appointments… And here I am watching this on Christmas Day 2018… Even though I joined this program before Christmas last year, I never saw this video… I just now made it to module 2 yesterday driving in my car for the holidays and even module 3 because I didn’t Work the program consistently and now after about completing
module 1 about 15 Times, I decided to move on to module 2 and it felt very empowering I think I was ready and I needed it it also gave me a new momentum for the new year to move on and be more consistent with my healing thank you so much Melanie and I hope you’re having a great time somewhere on another beach a year later. I see I’m the only person that has commented since two years ago on this video… I think it is a wonderful video and I’m not sure how it came across it I think it was in the email… Anyway it was perfect timing I’m not having another miserable Christmas I am loving myself and in bracing myself just for doing these modules on the road on being rewarded already! Thank you again and light and love to you… You were so beautiful… What do you use to make your teeth so white I want to go to the dentist and have something professional done to get mine. to look as beautiful and white is yours! I can’t afford veneers yet… Is that what you have or did you do some other kind of whitening system?
Hi DSP, I am so pleased you are doing well with NARP and feeling relief and your personal power return. Thank you and I am about to have a beautiful day on my local beach - with my lovely man and family. How wonderful you are embracing you. Yes, my teeth are veneers, I had them done many years ago! Christmas blessings to you xoxox
Thanks Melonie felt tingles of joy with the mantra as I lie in bed at my parents place just near you on the peninsular. My mother cold shouldered me from the moment I arrived and played my sister off from me. It's been painful and triggering and I did point out the behaviour this time. The work I've done with Narp and other clearing techniques has served me well and Ive dealt with the situation waaay better this time. Time for a walk to Pelican Point! Enjoy your break !! xx
Cindy you are so welcome and enjoy the beautiful Peninsula. Bless dear one! xoxox
Cindy Vallet like it when my mom has attention on the others because I'm more relaxed
yes thank you Melanie I did . The peninsular is a large part of my childhood. Home now *phew*. All the best for 2017! I certainly feel positive about a new start xx
yes Theresa i guess for me it depends on whether I'm picking up on triangulating behaviour. I hope your christmas was peaceful :)
I refused to go because my husband ruins every Xmas. He flirts publicly humilates and discards all of our daughter's and myself as well. That's just a small view of the picture. I stayed home after he told me I don't deserve a Xmas present. UGH. By the way my daughter's are married adults.
I go silent on false blame and denial. I've been "allowed" to: so far. I have 100 pounds on my narcissist and she still scares the heck out of me. I don't control and lie and steal and twist the truth or infer negative assumptions or threaten or try to validate false accusations they opportunities of temporary slips. My ex is a sick ticket. Classic. Every symptom and more. Yet, so much more. Sometimes; giving, never understanding, so confusing.
Thank you. Oponopono is a great way of healing yourself too. Thought I made it upon Christmas but no, a week later I was proved to be wrong. Won't happen again. i've learnt my lesson.
Melanie, this was such a powerful, meaningful, inspiring and heartfelt message and I can't thank YOU enough for making it and sending it out to all of us subscribers out here! Message well received and I just SO appreciate it and the timely topic and all that you discussed herein couldn't be anymore timely and fitting for me personally right now! Also, the mantra at the end I did along with you and that was powerful, beautiful and such a symbolic way to end out 2016 as well as to prepare as we face the approaching holday(s) that can indeed be incredibly triggering for so many of us with narcissistic abuse related issues that we are struggling with. Best wishes to you and yours & many many blessings to you Melanie as you relax these next couple of weeks on the beach in sunny and warm (I'm jealous....it's very cold and damp here where I'm at in North America, of course!) Australia!! ❤️and a big cyber hug from me to you and, wishing you a very Merry Christmas, too!! PR
Thank you Phoenix Rising for your gorgeous message - and I am so pleased you joined me in the mantra!! Big warm hugs back to you xoxoxo
Merry merry Christmas everyone!
Love this video. So spot on for my experience. I knew for many years something was off about our family narc. About a year ago I learned about Custer B and it literally opened my eye's to a whole new world of understanding. Finally had a ton of answers about so much. For years my brother and I just kind of went grey rock without even knowing what grey rock was. Just don't poke the bear so to speak. However grey rock didn't work out for either of us. It took years of grey rock to finally break down because Melanie is exactly right when she says they study us and get to know the boundaries that trigger our emotion.
The holidays trigger a lot of negative emotions for me. I'm only 1.5 years no contact so still very fresh.
Hi Loupizza22 this video may explain things further for you sweetheart blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-grey-rock-alone-wont-keep-you-safe-from-narcissists/ love to you and your brother xoxox
thank you so much you have no idea how much your video Help I will always keep you in my prayers
hi Avie Jane, stay Strong. and take Your power back. good luck!!, and lots of Love too.. take good care.
Thank you for sharing this video about narcissism and Christmas! I used to be so miserable at Christmas!! Since I went no contact with the narcissistic relatives, Christmas is now joy, peace and happiness to look forward too!!!🎅
my narc used to torture me every blasted holiday, refuse to eat the meal i made, silent treatment. our first christmas he was nice 4 weeks straight as soon as he got his presents i got a 2 week silent treatment, kicked out of the bedroom in my own home. his excuse for his abuse that eventually became physical was his poor baby ass is alienated from his kids by his ex. i cant blame her and i think she is doing the right thing. be careful who cries about being alone/punished on Christmas or any holiday sometimes its the abuser whining. and i highly doubt his alienation is triggering his behavior problems cuz we met the first time weeks befor easter, we still lived separate and the minute i got out of work on that first easter he was all up my butt about bringing me easter dinner, if the separation from his kids was the cause of everything then that first easter he wouldn't have been up my rear end, he would have been upset and probably not hitting me up to bring me dinner. liars liars liars
joan baczek he faked the beginning I'm sure. It was difficult for him to keep up the facade then he knew he would slowly take off the mask of the angry monster
thank you Melanie, your words are a gift. Happy Christmas to you.
My pleasure Daisy Doogle, bless you and happy Holiday season!
Thanks again, Melanie :)
you don't HAVE 2 b around anyone who disrespects you. period.
I was just discarded before Thanksgiving and I'm still broken. He discarded me for someone else w/his triangulation w/his ex, he kept saying he was done w/ and new supply he was working on it was so obvious when he would get text, his eyes would literally light up. I miss the Sweet Kind man I met and I knew but it was all a lie-?! He even came back to patch things up only to Final Discard me Again!! Pissed me off, that was the last straw and changed all my phone numbers and blocked him. Thanks again for your support and Reminding us their idiots!!! I keep Praying for Strength and heartbreak and in total disbelieve, broken and numb. What is your blog to help for healing?
Chiclet, it totally is possible to heal, and by turning inwards to do so we can create true Thriver Recovery. My blog is blog.melanietoniaevans.com ... hugs xoxox
my daughter is dating one and i spent chritmas by myself because i was sick fell asleep didnt dry her clthes..so no granddaughter who loves to visit me..very sad christmas
To the lady marrying herself~ You go girl! 💕
I was in tears listening to this. I desperatly needed this. my mother is the person who is a narc. Shes trying to use my 3 yr old son as a reason to be connected. ive been no contact for almost a month. my mom adores my son. but I just cant do it anymore. and I feel sick to my stomach about christmas. I just dont know what to do. I was planning on texting her saying we are coming and I dont want any drama or we will politly leave. that was my plan. now Im not sure
Madeline Hunt there will be drama if you go...have a peaceful christmas without. Good luck!
"Shes trying to use my 3 yr old son" is all you need to remember. If you weren't related to her, would you still interact with her? I know it's hard to let go of the obligation and guilt of withholding a grandchild from his grandmother, but in all honesty, you're really protecting him. And yourself! She's using your fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you and that's not good for either you OR your son. It can be very hard at first to say no and go against the instinct to comply for the sake of "preserving family bonds". I went though it with my ex. But in the long run it pays off and your immediate family will be far happier and healthier. Your son can't protect himself. He needs you to advocate for him and protect him. He may never understand what you've done for him, but he'll be so much better off for it. I hope things are going better for you now this year.
Thank you Melanie!
My pleasure Martha - happy holidays! xoxox
I changed my phone number, so he can hoover how ever long he wants...I'm not seeing anything, and this makes me feel good. I feel at peace staying out of any contact with him.
Spend weeks cleaning, days cooking, shopping. Working your ass off doing everything a narcissist will tell you for not doing enough.
How do we go about taking responsibility for healing our wounds as opposed to blaming ourselves for attracting yet another narcissist into our lives? I've been working on healing for the past year and whenever I encounter yet another narcissist that seems to be drooling at the sight of me, I become very discouraged and think I attracted this type of person once again. Or an old narcissist contacts me and I get discouraged once again and I start blaming myself and my wounds and thinking "I thought I already healed that stuff so why is it happening again?!" Does anyone else go through this? Whenever something bad or negative comes my way, I think according to these laws of reflection and attraction that it's somehow my fault for bringing these into my outer reality and that if I was just healed enough or emotionally less wounded, or if my vibration was high enough, that I wouldn't attract any negative thing and my day would be sunny and rosy. Am I being too controlling here? Are there things in our outer reality that we just can't control if our vibration is still high? Like if we have healed and our vibration is high, can narcissists still come along and try to talk to us? Or am I still too wounded to have any positive thing come into my reality? Confused and discouraged in healing...
BhavZ I really really wish someone would actually address this because it's the dark side of this shiny "be the master of your own life" thing and I really don't think it should be overlooked.
I mean maybe it does make sense in some way or maybe we just don't know quite that much about the dynamics in this world and there is something that we're overlooking.
But I really wish there was an answer or at least thoughts on it.
MANY men will come your way! Your job is to move quickly through them until the 'wheel' lands on a good, KIND one! Do not EVER believe you have attracted 'another narcissist' into your life because you are not yet healed!!
You are healed the moment you are aware that you need to let go. Turning the 'bad guys' that come your way
into SELF-abuse ( i 'attracted' yet another. . . into my life.) is part of the problem! You'll have to eliminate MANY
before you land a like-minded guy. It's just how it is in life! Healing is 'not blaming' yourself for what comes into
yourself from the 'outside'. I once asked a friend how she 'found' her wonderful guy. She said, 'they get three chances to behave like an !@#$#%. Third time they're OUT. When i met frank he just NEVER acted like an
!@#$%* so i married him!
I think when you have healed and your vibration is high this is what the narcissist wants from you. your energy and happiness they want to take for themselves. They are like spiritual vampires... you will learn to expect it when you are happy and you will set firm rules within yourself (boundaries) stopping them from harming you. Hope that helps
Probably the better and stronger you are your light attracts those vampires. You are on the right track at recognizing them. There's just a lot of them out there.
If I was younger, I'd be outta here. Too many years invested. However, I want to encourage all the young people out there (50 and younger), GET OUT if your life becomes a distortion of your dream because of the lies of another. Too late for me. Not for YOU. Make what's left of your life BEAUTIFUL. God Bless.
Have you ever encountered a narcissist who knows how to give a three-part (full) apology, and appears to be completely remorseful, without any strings attached, at this time of year? My narcissistic mother came to me on the 23rd of December, and seemed genuine--even some of her behavior appears to display genuine remorse. She says she went to counseling, and is trying to change. Is this hoovering? I don't know. >_< I AM about to move out in less than a week! Perhaps she feels like she's losing control. I'm just confused, and need to gain some distance.
+DarthxErik , Classic pattern of abuser: 1. grooming/nice; 2. gets suddenly mad; can act-out bad, be verbally inappropriate, physical too; 3. acts sorry, sometimes deeply sorry for their behaviors; 4. promises to never do it again.
Except they do. Imho, some part of them really is sorry; they really dislike what they do [unless the perp is closer to being a psychopath, where there''s n ability to sense what others feel, believes they're entitled to do whatever, etc.]
But they cannot stop themselves repeating.
Moving...sometimes far away, can really help.
Having a PO Box in another town so they don't know exact location, helps.
Setting limits on how they are allowed to contact you, and how often, helps.
Limiting them contacting you, to only print [email, letters, texts], helps, and gives you time to think carefully about how or if to respond, and you have records of what they communicated, in case of need.
My ex and a former boss both used to give me the same exact guilty look before they were about to say or do something awful, like they were self aware and regretted their imminent actions but knew they couldn't help themselves. I wasn't able to identify this look for the longest time because I didn't quite understand what was happening at the time, but it was definitely guilt. So yeah, maybe some do actually have some kind of remorse before or after, although it's no excuse for the abuse. It doesn't really matter if their regret is genuine if they're not able to use it to stop hurting others.
Actions speak louder than words ... She has to do a huge action, not just words.
My narc left April 2019, abandined me, our 30th wedding anniversary us Christmas Day. Hoping won't be too tough. .
Do you have pet birds? I hear birds in the background! They sing so pretty!!🦅
No I don't Danielle lol xoxox
It sounded like birds singing in the background! LOL!🦅
as I'm listening to you -an other Christmas with NPD 2 yeah he refused to join the family meal while he started writing the great British novel lolol. NPD 3 went to planet "I feel suicidal ". No more NPDs for me. thanks Melanie
this is so true
My narc made a hoover attempt by sending me a merry Christmas text after three months of complete silence. She then vanished after I sent her a merry Christmas text back. Nothing else was said. Why would she vanish after the hoover attempt.
Patrick Pepin she is trying to get you to start trying to contact her so she can get supply from your wanting to be with her.
Theresa Brewer wow ok I just thought that she would started a conversation after wishing me a merry Christmas. I was thinking that she was waiting for me to ask her how she was doing but I didn't want to get sucked back in so I didn't say anything more. thankyou.
Because you only echo'd the same generic greeting; because you did not even ask "how are you", her 'hook' broke...she lost the hook.
She might try again. Only keeping it generic, short, dismissive, breaks the hooks. Avoiding sharing ANY personal information with narc.'s is very important; if you must lie to give a polite answer, sometimes it's necessary...like saying "everything's fine" if asked how you are...even if you are staggering under troubles.
Makes sense as to why narcs never like Christmas
My Narc abandoned me on Christmas day, and decided to give me the usual silent treatment out of the blue with no appearent reason. I was left alone on Christmas Eve with my tree and all the presents I bought for her ^_^
Fortunately I had already identified her as a NP and I had started to detach emotionally. Everytime I decide Ive had enough of it she reverts to being lovely and kind. its really disturbing... ^^"
i commented that before even seeing the.video hahaha. But I'm.used to this feeling now, as Melanie's videos always nail it. I am not surprised anymore as the Narcs behavior starts to be so predictable to me... ***sigh***
Thank you for your positive and kind words i truly connect with your words . its profound . i never imagined myself in this place but painfully here i am not as a sook but trying to make some sense of what the fuck has just happened to me . she left lied abused deceived and turned up two days before xmas in her boyfriends car . triangulating confusion between us all . i wanted to care but that would be fruitless and embarrassing . i will heal as you have alluded to . thanks again . Peace
is there any data on any narc. who got help and changed and healed.the child hood trauma?
My N canceled a big trip for Christmas last year. This year blocked me out after Halloween. I'm done with touching the hot burning stove for the last time.
I decided i would have Christmas day with my family and friends without him. He is not gonna be a meany scrooge to me or my family and friends. I am gonna make Christmas tamales on the eve. Looks like i do have some new 2018 goals to work towards. Self healing and love is what i to to teach myself because im mentally broken by him and im sick of it.
god bless you
He destroyed my life after 35 years of marriage
i was with him since i was 17 teen .he ran away with another woman she has nothing 2 offer him except sex
Can you please make a video of how to identify a narcissist because I feel sometimes, videos I find online are very vague. In our lifetime most of these traits are common in people (myself included) sometimes, we react badly if family members relatives are being pushy I am not a narcissist X) I have gone to a therapist and know for certain I am an empath.
Thanks for the videos, really do enjoy them :) it's been helpful also some narcissist turn the table on you when you react or snap at their bad reactions.
_Amazing!!!
Yes december used to be hard
Thank you beautiful woman. Happy holidays 🌲 We'll see you in 2017! Year of the LOVE WARRIORS ❤
findingnemo How do you kmow that it is the year of love warriors? :) is it some prediction?
Bless findingnemo - I can't wait to share 20017 with you! xoxoxo
She was good the Christmas before granted she didn’t get me much but kids had fun and we had a good time I think
Hi Melanie, I'm a new subscriber and I wanted to know how I can help my grandchildren..ages 9&6. We can only see the kids when our son comes exhausted and brings them over, she refuses to come to our home, which I assume makes the kids really confused.We barely get 2-21/2 hours with them a month..if that. We can't give them a special treat and it seems she tries to make visiting us a difficult thing.The youngest, blood grandchild to my husband is very confused and he seems to always want to make things for his mother (the narcissist) when he visits. His sister is not our blood grandchild but we love her so. She has started to be troublesome at school and puts things like, I don't know, I don't care on her tests or other papers. She is very bright. How can my husband and I help them in any way.
VCcoffee68 I feel so much for you and your family ... please know I have over the years created quite a few resources in regard to our children with narcissists. If you google my name + children + coparenting you will find a lot of information to help. And I hope it can ... xoxox
i love the fake her
4:30