Let's talk about miscarriage | Regan Parker | TEDxPortland
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 ต.ค. 2022
- NOTE FROM TED: This talk contains a graphic description of miscarriage, which may be upsetting to viewers. TEDx events are independently organized by volunteers. The guidelines we give TEDx organizers are described in more detail here: storage.ted.com/tedx/manuals/t...
In this profoundly courageous talk, Regan aims to change the way we talk about pregnancy loss and miscarriage. She confronts the unmentionable, gives a voice to the unspoken, and challenges a taboo topic in our culture. Miscarriage happens in around 1 in 4 known pregnancies, with 85% of those happening in the first trimester. But do we talk about it? No. Why is that? One of the reasons is that we are taught to believe that pregnancy loss is private. Another is that it doesn't really matter because, "you can have another one." Women experiencing this tremendous loss need support, compassion, and understanding.
Miscarriage is part of the universal human experience and we can redefine how we
talk about it and support one another.
Regan was part of a historic 7,000+ attendee Year 10 experience. After three reschedules due to the Pandemic, our Core Organizing Team persevered through 1,164 days of planning and execution
to produce the event for Portland, OR.
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With special thanks to the University of Oregon for presenting partnership, a world class stage design provided by Meyer Pro Inc, an incredible legacy bound Event Book provided by Premier
Press and to the creative digital craft provided by Enjoy the Weather & Victory Creative. All of our Partners and event history can be found at TEDxPortland.com Regan is a mother, lawyer and author whose debut memoir, (Mis)carriage, pursues her deeply driven commitment to open the dialogue around pregnancy loss and to change the way we heal from miscarriage. She believes in the power of words and stories, and that healing can come from telling the truth. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
I had a remarkably similar experience, in particular with how the nurse handled telling us we'd lost our baby. My wife asked me not to tell anyone, because she didn't want to have to relive the loss by anyone offering their thoughts. I agreed, without hesitation because I wanted to protect her-- whatever she needed I would give her. I didn't talk to anyone about it for seven years. That nearly put me in the ground. People need to be allowed to grieve.
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I had a miscarriage a month ago and watching this has made me feel so seen and validated. Thank you x
Thank you for speaking up, I'll be 62 this year, my only pregnancy lasted a short 6 weeks, she was the first grandchild to my my parents, it was almost 20 years before she was briefly mentioned again, and only the last 5 or so years I can answer the "How many kids do you have?" I have 1 Angel baby and she would be 37 ........ there's so very much more to be said/released. 🙏 Thank you.
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I also had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. It is such a hard thing to experience pregnancy loss. Thank you for sharing your story.
100% to all of this. I had two losses (miscarriage and ectopic) and neither doctor gave me information on grief or counseling. I decided to join a support group on Facebook, and I was told that I needed to get over it and the amount of anger that I had was not "normal". I couldn't even grieve without being told that I was grieving the wrong way.
The friends that I decided to tell, just blew me off. Stating that I could just try again or at least I knew I could get pregnant (though they didn't know I was battling infertility). I was told that my pregnancies were not real since one was ectopic and that I should "get over it". The friends that I knew that had a loss told me that my loss couldn't compare to theirs since they were farther along. I was told mine could have been worse. I cried in my bathroom for months feeling alone and feeling guilty for crying knowing it could have been worse.
The ectopic almost killed me. I was bleeding internally for hours. I called my job to tell them that I needed to have surgery and I'll be in the hospital for several days. They found out it was due to pregnancy loss and I was treated with a lack of respect because it happened while I was on vacation. They all thought I did something to kill it. They made assumptions about my loss. I had a friend who told me she was pregnant after I gave her news of our ectopic. She thought it would be funny to say that hers was "actually in right spot". I realized that people can be so cruel in regards to pregnancy losses.
The surgeon who removed my ectopic blamed me for it. He yelled at my husband and me and said it was our fault. He was a OBGYN... The amount of hatred that I felt during this whole process is unreal. The amount of blame that was put on me just doesn't even seem real.
Giving you a big virtual hug 🫂You didn't deserve any of that. So sorry for your losses, I pray you'll have your rainbow baby soon.
Husbands can feel grief as well. Sometimes couples experience grief differently and they can be like two drowning people without the tools to deal with something so overwhelming. My wife and I experienced two of these still-births. The first situation was at home in the bathroom and the fire department came and they put her in the drunk tank for an hour while she held our dead child while she was still connected to it while drunks were swearing and yelling at each other. The second time was in the hospital, but the nurse first said she heard a heartbeat and then saw that the cervix had breached and left abruptly without saying anything. A few minutes later a group of doctors came in and said we were going to have an abortion. They eventually put us in our own room and the deceased baby and we were alone and I recieved it in my hands when it came out. We both handled the grief differently. I felt that by letting go of the pain, I was letting go of the dead children so I would commune with the pain and held onto it. My wife withdrew and we had a sexless marriage for seven years and we divorced about a month and a half ago. I did not want the divorce; I love her very much, but she fell into a depression and started to lash out at me, was hyper aroused and blamed me for her unhappiness and all kinds of things that I had nothing to do with. Unfortunately, her support system was quick to validate her allegations about me as she scapegoated me for her unhappiness. We ended up having a child 10-years ago, but we had to keep trying after our still-births because we got married later in life and we had a short window. We never had time to heal as a couple and process the loss and we were soon parents with an infant doing our thing without fully processing our loss. It was hard to be close to God when you felt that it was unfair to be overwhelmed with such a tragedy twice. That can really make you feel alone, when you leave the Grace and Love of God. My heart goes out to this woman and I appreciate her bravery to tell her story and bring awareness to the pain. God be with her.
Thank you for sharing this. I just experienced a miscarriage yesterday (4/5/24) morning at 4am. I was in the bathroom by myself in so much pain. I was also at a loss of what to do after. My little one was 6 weeks and 5 days. I told myself not to look, but I just had to see. I will never forget what I saw. And no one around me understands what I went through, and I hate to burden them with it. So I pretended I'm fine, and cry whenever I'm alone.
Dear Sister, I feel you. I just had the same unfortunate experience, but I couldn’t look because I felt it ALL. I could only flush and am forever devastated and wounded for doing so! 😭😭😭 I keep asking myself how could you?! 😭😭 This will haunt me for life. I must cling to the cross of I’m ever going to forgive myself, even though I know there wasn’t anything else I could have done. However, I feel like such a coward for not even looking. 😞 I am praying for all of our complete healing: mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. 🙏🏾❤️💐
Thank you so much … the most traumatizing experience in my life… was alone through it all, thought I will be dead by morning from pain and blood loss..20 years, still can’t talk about it
Thank you for your words i could not muster up. I went through practically the same thing.
7w3d twin girls flushing them down the toilet, having no one to talk to and no resources no one asking me how i am doing. Nothing 😭😭😭 its been a little over 1 month since i miscarried
I just had an at home miscarriage at 17 weeks.. this has wrecked me to my core. Thankful for this talk and the ability to be seen.
I can't even imagine. I'm glad I don't know anyone who thinks miscarriage isn't a terrible, awful thing to happen to somebody. Whoever is out there saying it's not tragic has a big issue
I'm in tears 😢 😭 as I type this 😭 I went through almost the exact same experience, 1st trimester miscarriage that almost killed me on my bathroom floor. I lossed so much blood I had to be admitted to the hospital and given 2 bags of blood and iron infusions. I haven't been intimate with my husband in 7 months for fear of the same thing happening. I haven't been to any support groups and I've got a BEAUTIFUL 4 YEAR OLD BOY that I put all my time into almost codependent to him 😔 I hold on to HIM so tight. I lossed my baby girl through May 28th-June1st
I'm so sorry for your loss 🫂
I'm sorry for your loss
I'm so sorry... Hope you are doing well.
I'm so sorry. Please consider grief counseling to help you navigate the pain. Do it for you and your family. Your mate may be grieving too and might also be interested in receiving help to process this.
Sorry for big losd
Happened to me twice.. Same story..13 years gone by, but it still hurts.. Thank you for sharing..
I am in tears , I feel your pain. It’s a cluster of the strongest emotion you’ll ever deal with. The guilt , the pain, confusion, the hit after hit until you’re broken. Tryna put those pieces together on the aftermath, they feel like they don’t even fit together. It’s been 6 months for me the pain is the same; just the coping mechanism has changed .
The pieces not fitting together is such a good way of describing it 💔
Thank you. I had 2 miscarriages and don’t feel I have grieved properly - it has left me feeling bitter when I see a baby or pregnant woman. I know that’s not right but I think it’s because I didn’t deal with how I was feeling. I often think about what could have been. You have highlighted such an important area and I hope we can all talk and listen more about our loss x
I needed this, i just lost my baby on Monday, i am resting.
It’s a pain that eats me alive everyday. And I was told by my mother, “well now you don’t have to worry about it.” I will never forget that. I lost my baby. And I don’t get to grieve.
I am so sorry for your loss, and for the response you received from your mother. I’m sure she meant well, just did not have the appropriate language to express her intention. If you can find it in your heart, give her some grace. Praying for your compete healing as well. 🙏🏾❤️
I cried listening to your story. A month ago I nearly died suffering a miscarriage at 9 weeks pregnant. I got to the A&E with severe bleeding, they had to throw away most of my clothes…I had emergency surgery to stop the bleeding and remove what was left from my pregnancy. The doctor said “I’m sorry for your loss “ . And everyone did and somehow it was comforting l people that they care…or at least pretend they do. I was in labour, in such pain I never imagine someone can have. While they were preparing me for surgery, explaining the risks etc I was asked if I would like to have a funeral for my baby or if I want they to dispose of it in an I can’t remember what way. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t have the strength to ask my partner and he was also shocked and worried about what was going on with me so I said “no”.
All I wanted was for the physical pain to stop. Also, the machines I was connected to were sounding alarmingly and I knew I’m not in a great shape.
I heard one of the dr saying on a low voice “we have to move her now (to the operating theatre) as she might deteriorate suddenly”. AlthoughI had other general anaesthetics before, this time I was not nervous and all I wanted was to be asleep and not feel any pain.
Because the physical side was so traumatic, when I woke up and I wasn’t in pain anymore and I wasn’t bleeding I felt so lucky. I was discharged the next day and once the physical shock went…I realised what had happened.
And yes. We don’t talk about it, we are though to keep it secret under 3 months and that it’s very common. But …we dreamed, we made plans, we went through all of that storm of feelings and in the end we feel like that didn’t happen…The only proof is our pain. And although the physical pain is gone, we can’t even talk about the grief.
Did I make the wrong decision by not having a funeral? In that moment I didn’t even know you can have a funeral for such a small baby. I have a name in mind and I wasn’t strong enough until now to even light a candle for my Anna 💔
Dearest Regan,
This resonates with me so deeply as I sit here a day later after I too was offered the option to go home with the aide of medication to begin the labor process of what they said would resemble a heavy menstrual cycle. What occurred was not merely akin to a menstrual cycle and my heart, mind, body and soul aches with pain. 😭😭😭😭
I don’t know you personally Regan Parker, but I see me in your entire story starting with the devastating loss of a child whom you immediately loved early in the womb. I resonate with the cold and callouss treatment you experienced at the hands of so called medical professionals, as well as with the isolation you experienced from friends and family. I never saw any of it coming and I screamed at the top of my lungs for the first time as I listened to your powerful story this morning. I want to thank you for your bravery. Thank you for bringing awareness to the agonizing pain we are left to live with. Thank you for speaking out about the subpar medical care we received when informed of the death of our child, and thank you for speaking to the unnecessary and social taboos that are associated with women who suffer what we’ve suffered; starting with the labeling of it “miscarriage” as it implies that there was some sort of failure, or mishap on our part. This is a huge misnomer and needs to be addressed and excavated as it is defaming and dismissive of our agony and loss.
Dear God, heal the shattered hearts of women like myself and my dear sister, Regan Parker. We need to feel the balm that is Jesus right at this very moment. I ask that you bind up the wounds of our souls and to catch every tear we cry. You know that this is an insurmountable emotional, spiritual, and physical pain that no one could begin to fathom unless they’ve sat where we would now and forevermore dwell. Oh but how You oh God, in your omniscience and omnipotence, truly do know all about the pain we are toiling with. Your Word says you are close to the broken hearted for you too have experienced suffering on the cross at Calvary. You grieved your only begotten Son when he gave his life so that we may be set free! Your love is a radical love even in and through your permissible will. So God I ask that you would open the eyes of our hearts so that we may see you through and in all of this pain. Help us, Lord! 🙌🏾🙏🏾 This is my prayer for every woman who has lost a child be it during pregnancy or post pregnancy, may You, the one and true sovereign God, give us each a peace that surpasses all human understanding, until we meet our children again in Glory. Amen. 🙏🏾 ❤
Regan, keep telling your story. Keep living. And keep trusting God.
Thank you for sharing your story. This is the most unimaginable pain, made worse by the fact that there is so little support during (while making these unimaginable decisions) and following (when we’re grieving, still testing pregnancy positive etc). The only way this changes is by us continuing to have this discussion. Thank you for your bravery. Saying out loud what happened is what is helping me heal too 🫶
You're right. I was given statistics of why I probably miscarried.
NO one supported me. It was the biggest heart break. My miscarriage was due to my doctor's ignorance about thyroid medication and pregnancy and yet most drs will support the doc and say "we don't actually know".
The doctor who I had to see a couple weeks after my loss put me in a room full of baby photos. Good frick they are callused
I feel your pains, it isn't talked about in a helpful way at all.
I made a memory rock for my baby, gender never disclosed.
My mother couldn't understand and minimized it all, she was supposed to be a support but wasn't.
We definitely need better support! Xx
Loss is very painful. Hugs for you. I hope you're coping well
@@aurycoo thank you. Xx
It was 8 yrs ago this month.
I have 2 beautiful children, but the loss of my first never leaves. I wanted my first too. Just as Regan Parker says in this talk.
Take care Aury
After my first child pregnancy and miscarriage l don't trust on Dr!!!! I don't find honest opinion they just looking for money 💲. Hope find hope and faith on someone but during my painful process they never care, they just said try again and again until you get a baby.... Baby are lives mother's have heart illusions,,but they don't care our pain or feeling. I hugs 🤗 you all the mommies whom are angels mom !!! We were privileged to carry angels in our bellies! Let's growth with our experiences!!
@@eblingmorales7787 you're absolutely right 💓
Love and hugs to you and all mommies who have angels awaiting them
It makes 13 years this past Sunday… I needed this!! ❤❤❤❤❤
I lost my baby at 8 weeks 5 days ago and had the procedure done. I feel so empty and sad. Thank you for sharing this.
Finally, let's all speak up from now on! Allow the grief, comfort another and seek those who should be doing more in the medical field.
I have experienced this heartbreak, alongside a relationship loss. I decided to write a program for women to help them through the journey for these exact reasons! Thank you for sharing your voice
You can email me for more info if u like ❤
I lost my baby at 8weeks 😭😭 I imagine how my baby would look like 😖😓. I'm hoping for a rainbow 🌈 baby soon 💗
😭Nothing compares to this trauma. I also had to watch my baby in the toilet bin. It's still the most painful experience ever.
I’m condolences and prayers to you, sister. It’s ok to not be ok. But with God, we will be ok. 🙏🏾❤️
I was 11 weeks, 3 days pregnant when I lost our little one (who had died at 8 weeks) on 9th may 2024.
We'd found out they were dead unexpectedly on the 1st May.
I suppose i want them to be remembered, because they mattered to me.
I suppose that 8 days between finding out little one had passed and actually physically having a miscarriage was the most lonely and painful thing.
I suppose I treasured that bit of extra time with them 👼
I know that i miss them.
And im sorry to all others who have experienced/ will experience the same.
To the angels 👼🥂💓💫💫💫
You are not alone ! Thank You for this wonderful talk, I feel you ! I would like to add in regressive societies, women are made to feel terrible about a miscarriage, they are looked down upon such an incident. Just wish no one goes through this
Thank you for putting words into what I feel. Been looking for words after we lose our baby boy.
Thank you with Love Light and Grace
Thank you for speaking up. God bless you
Thank you for your courage to tell everyone parents!The pain is same together!Be strong every day😍and change life to your experience🌺
Wonderful words ❤️
Just found out on Friday that I had "delayed" or "silent miscarriage". Now i wait to get my d&c next week and i hate life right now. Doctors told me I could never get pregnant when I was in my 20's now I am 33. Always wanted to be a mom but gave up hope it would never happen.
Strength and courage to you sister, love that dress btw
It's a hurt that can be with us always 💔 the pain becomes my best friend
I have no words for your appreciation 👍
Thank you
What an important talk, thank you very, very much for sharing your experience. 🌻
whats so important in this?
This is real raw and the truth.
Thank you... I understand you... Each word spoken... Thank you!
Thank you 🙏💚💚💚
Thankyou for sharing
Thank you...
Thank you ❤
You are welcome
About 2 months ago I had a MC at 10 weeks. It took my body another month to realize it. Went to first US appt at about 8 weeks and baby was measuring at 6 weeks, and hard to find the heartbeat.
I was having a hard time passing the tissue on my own, and so much pain. I needed to get rushed to the ER for a D&C. This is our first month trying again since
The way my OB handled telling me and notifying me was not ideal. I got my results from the last US before she called me to tell me and it was horrible.
First off, I am so sorry for your loss. May God touch and heal every part of you that is hurting.
Secondly, I am also sorry to hear that you too experienced subpar medical treatment at the hands of a physician. This is becoming way too common and it is mortifying. If you have it in you, I would encourage you to shed light on this and not let these people get away with such callous and uncompassionate treatment of women who already have to live with such devastating news. Praying for your complete healing as well. 🙏🏾❤️
Sending love and hugggg
Sendingggg u lotssssss offf lotssssss offffff loveeee and hugggggggg...... U beautiful and a survivor woman❤❤❤❤
Oof this is what I needed today
i can understand your pain .
ooohhhh.......are you gonna go cry in the corner now???? 😆😆🤣🤣
I feel seen!! ❤❤❤❤❤
This is so sad.
Sending love your way and yout baby. From a grieving mother
7 weeks after 4 blighted ovums and I'm terrified. This popping up made me so sad :(
We need to inform women their rights and options. And help grieve. There's not much information so happy she did this. Read many comments where women flushed the toilet realizing immediately after what they just did.
Same thing happened to me
The BIRTH RATE has plummeted over the past 2 years, as the RATE of miscarriages has been skyrocketing ... pity this otherwise profound brand new talk doesn't talk about it. Also, summer heat seems to greatly increase the Risk of Miscarriage. "Number of live births in the European Union (EU27) from 2009 to 2021". 4.6 MM then, 4.0 MM now. USA: 2022 is lowest in a decade.
i want to highlight the incredible intolerance on her end. you can NOT expect another person to do, what YOU deem right. if you have a friend who had a miscarriage, who does NOT want to talk about it, thats HER choice. people grief differently and people cope differently, some dont even care, how hard that might sound to you.
Nice bro
Regan, would you mary me beautiful ? 🌹
That is inappropriate, Ahmed.
أنت سكران يا باشا
If society alows the abortion as a problem so simple to solve.....why is It going to care about a miscarriage?
It’s not the same at all
Not the same miscarriage is not intentional most of the times it's a wanted pregnancy. The problem is in the first two words (if society) who gives a frick about society! Society does not even knows what it wants.
I had a miscarriage last month but I don’t relate to this woman. We lost our babies around the same time and I just don’t relate to her. Yes I wanted my baby but I don’t grieve for it.
Don’t let this woman make you feel less or a monster if your miscarriage doesn’t affect you as deeply as other mothers.
I've had 6 and I'm heartbroken, but I know 8 week's will never be the same as a full term baby
When are we gonna talk about Mrcarriage
Must be hard. But at 8 weeks, the fetus barely even looks distinguishable from other mammal fetuses.
Not sure how much 'thriving' you can see on an ultrasound.
Well it was supposed to be her 11 week ultrasound but she had already miscarried by then. You can actually see the fetus moving around and responding to the ultrasound. I just had my 11 week ultrasound and the baby didn’t like being poked by the camera/ultrasound equipment, so it would squirm and wiggle away. Pretty cute surprisingly.
Unkind comment
Ooohhhhh miscarriage...........just get her a juice box😆😆🤣
male spotted, opinion ignored
I couldn’t stop crying.
I know a person with same problem🥹🥹🥹
I wonder what all the mothers did before social media???🤔 They sat at home and didn't tell everyone their business.
Would you be happy if everyone bottled up their emotions? Would that make YOU, PERSONALLY more comfortable?