Hey are you trying to attract love (sp) or get an ex back to you, the love specialist offers the best solutions in fixing,restoring broken relationships and attracting love 🌺
The obsessive loop can be hard to shake. Especially if you thought they were "the one". But over time reality of the situation takes over and it becomes easier to accept and move forward
Love this message Would someone worth having leave you and have you chase them? You need to believe you deserve someone who feels lucky to be with you. Anything less is not even a true loss
Most of the time, when the connection that felt so great and suddenly left with no answers has nothing to do with you. They could be going through their own wounds, traumas and working on healing themselves, or they might have reconnected with their past connections. No one owes you any explanations or closures if that is what you are looking for, what you could do is make that firm choice to hold yourself in a loving place, love yourself enough to walk away. You are enough!💜
You make it sound so easy…. I’m personally struggling to let go of a much loved friendship… we were never going to be together… that’s fine but she’s gone from my life ..I feel like a large part of me has been ripped out… I just don’t know how to get over it and fill the void.
Nah, people who claimed to care about another do owe honesty and closure when choosing to end something, especially when it’s out of the blue. We just need to accept that it may not be forthcoming. Too many people walking around thinking unaccountability is a virtue and no coach should be tacitly endorsing that kind of toxicity, well intentioned as they may be.
The dreaded loop of obsession…. Ah yes… hunting for the sense in fickleness. Been there done that. My statement was “Glad it happened sooner rather than later. Wasn’t meant to be”.
Yes that's what I said when my boyfriend threatened to leave me I told him if he leaves he wasn't mine to begin with and the sooner the better. Now that he ghosted me it still hurts and I've been in the loop
Everything happens for a reason. This person is not for you. Came in your life to learn this lesson. It will hurt but gives you so much strenght to move on and there are so many other people. Let them to be with there own demons and...give yourself the life and love you deserve. They will miss you for who you are and that will be there lesson ♥🍀
You deserve to be happy. You're allowed to move on from this chapter. If someone has treated you unfairly, understand that that's not a good person. See them for who they truly are, not for who you wish they were.
“Accept the illogical” love it! Also when you mentioned going back to see if you sent the wrong word or smiley face wow! It’s hilarious looking back but so true
It's hard to come up with a statement but one that has worked for me is "Don't disrupt the laws of the Universe" which means, you did what you did. The break up was meant for you both to grow and either: A. come back to eachother B. be with someone else or C. enjoy your own company. Don't force attraction.
They are not my friends. A real friend wouldn’t do what they did. They changed their mind about me/the relationship/s. It was. Now it is over. There are others out there who will love me and appreciate me and care about my wellbeing. Those people will come into my life and it will be amazing.
I had been there . It hurts a lot but I am glad that it happened to me. It really changed me alot as a person. I had no grudges for him. It's finally over
One year and 2 months of wonderful daily friendship. Got ghosted. I did not pursue him. We bumped into each other after 3 months.. he came to say hello and was friendly.. i was friendly back. He was surprised from my calm reaction. I did not mention anythijg about ghosting. Then i focused to recover my hurt side alone..and doing my best to do mindful decissions. The pain was severe as i was so happy and his ghosting was like pulling a rug from underneath because i never expected this lovely relation to end..nor this way. It was so confusing clash from within. Also him being friendly is more confusing. Then how it all abruptly ended as well. Im hoping to pull out of this ugly loop... apparently i acted my part well... did not show weakness but i hope i recover
It's ok to be hurt and show it. That's not weakness. Why would you pretend everything was cool when you met? That's saying it's ok to be a doormat. Confront him and call him out
You are always amazing.. I used to be trapped in the loop. The searching analysis.. etc. wow its mind blowing. " my partner would not do this to me".. CUT .. love this! Acceptance.. ahh. Could have saved me years ... It was the Dream!!
If humans are illogical and love is fickle (along with the prevalence of a throw-away culture), what’s the point of dating? Serious question. Is the pain worth the reward? And is there a reward anymore? Seems everyone wants shallow superficial connections to deep and meaningful. I’m so confused. Anyone else?
I know that it can feel like that. It has certainly degraded as have our manners and civil behavior around dating. However, there are many people who feel as you do. There are fine individuals who want a quality relationship with a meaningful connection. Hang in there. Please don’t let the negative make you fount the positive
I feel the exact way. I feel like giving up, it is so much work to weed out the wrong ones. I feel this way about finding good girlfriends too. Seems like humans, in general, are terrible at intimacy and connection.
I so understand your frustration and exhaustion with this, because I sometimes also feel at wit's end with all of these people who don't know what they want. But I think searching is worth it, if only because a life of pain avoidance is a life lived in very small parameters. There is nothing wrong with wanting a pain-free life, and contentment and balance are wonderful things to strive for. They can, however, also be found in relationships - I've had the good fortune before (and feel very blessed by fortune for those experiences). I do agree that throwaway culture is a thing, a thing that makes people far less considerate with another's feelings, and that sucks. But you know what? People who are clear about their values _and_ have good values have always been around, will always be around, and won't be derailed into insensitivity by how the general population behaves. Yes, it definitely takes effort to weed out the fakes and the purely self-interested. However, facing this challenge only makes the prize sweeter when you do find those wonderful humans who, to quote Susan, want the same thing as you and want it with you. Also, it may not be everyone's cup of tea, but a life of ups and downs is far more memorable and feels more vivid and rich than one lived in constantly safe but small parameters (take it from someone who suffers from anxiety of various kinds). I'm not saying this about ups and downs in order to defend rollercoaster situationships - those suck for sure - but to say that the search, with its excitement and hope paired with reality checks and sometimes incompatibility and sadness, may, retrospectively, make you feel better about a life lived fully. Even if you don't find the one for life, you A. will have had exposure to all kinds of people, and B. be able to say: I gave this my best shot. There is no guarantee of success, but you know how it goes - "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take". It's normal to feel depleted by the current dating landscape, and perhaps you could use a short break? But don't give up on your dream :) You yourself are worthy of getting your desires fulfilled, and, in the absence of that, to at least know you did your best for yourself. Even if that "best" means figuring out one day in the future that you're better off cultivating the connections to your friends and family. Just don't give up on searching for the best constellation for yourself :)
@@larissagonzales6075 I gave up for over five years then decided to start dating again only to get into a relationship to be ghosted and left heartbroken.
It's very difficult. Seeing someone that was loving and a parent to my child, devolve into a very hateful person, completely broke me. Months later, still in therapy and recovering. Appreciate these videos. I feel lost...
How do you kill and starve these thoughts? I’m trying to just yell at my brain no! We’re not doing it anymore! I don’t feel like it’s very productive though. Like I think I’ve tried just about everything. As soon as I push it away, it pops right back up. Nothing helps, just a constant barrage of “ was it me?“ “ what did I do wrong?“ and how we went from bliss, excitement, and closeness. To discard, cold, and just wanting to move on. It’s the most illogical thing I’ve ever experienced. I don’t know what I did to deserve it..
Wonderful as always Susan. My statement is 'there was obviously something wrong with this situation/partnership that I'm just not seeing. It was for the best, even if I can't understand it right now.' Love to everyone going through this!
Great timing Susan! As for me, thinking that i’m a great catch to anyone who’s going to meet me and love me helped me a lot. I’m loyal, fully committed and honest in every way. Grateful to people who left my life because I wouldn’t have done it. And guess what, it’s their loss 😅
Susan, you are absolutely wonderful. I’ve been in the “loop” for years. Like your client, he was average in EVERY way, but for some reason I fell deeply in love with him. I still love him, but I know it is well past time that I let go and give myself a chance to find someone who will actually be emotionally available to me. Thank you for your wisdom and kindness. 🙏😊
This couldn't have come at a better time. I'm currently stuck in a loop of obsession after being ghosted. It just hurts there is no closure and getting over the what if is difficult.
I am in exactly the same situation... First guy I dated and liked so much in a loooong time, he told me he was into me and wanted to be with me long-term then, made future plans with me and then... he ghosted. It hurts so much!!!!!! I can't sleep at all and my self-esteem is horrible.
This is why we have to do the closure ourselves. It is very common to have a break up or be abandoned by someone who gives us no explanation. It’s impolite. It’s not kind. It’s thoughtless. But it happens. Knowing that, we need to do the work ourselves to free ourselves
That happened to me once. In the end I accepted that a decent person would never have done that and I actually had a lucky escape. That helped break the cycle!
I think it makes us feel less than like we are deficient or they wouldn't have left. I know deep down that isn't true. The issues are theirs not ours. Take care. X
I'm going to have to keep looping this video. I took your advice and wrote down what I thought was the reason for the demise and I also took some time to compare and contrast to past relationships and breakups. I was able to see it in a new light. She spoke a lot (way too much) about past relationships and I tried to show her that I was a better man and therefore would win the prize. I tried too hard, doing some things I'd never done before, which was part of the problem. But there was no winning either way, not with this one. She wasn't who I wanted her to be. Bullet dodged. Time to move on. Thank you Susan!
That description is/was me to a T. That loop is a mental headf****, until I recognise it. We have to stop doubting our worthiness and being loveable. That was me....I'm slowly changing that mindset/heartset and the sense of feeling lightness and hope is empowering. I hope you all find that also. Thank you Susan for your insights, wisdom and love 💝🙏
Oh Susan, your videos have given me strength and hope through the most painful breakup, and darkest time, of my life! It is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, to accept that a man who was once utterly besotted with me and so protective and tender towards me, now has no problem kicking me to the curb and acting like nothing happened. It is especially tough to let go of his family, who I became close to and who I know genuinely adored me. Several months later I still have moments where I’m swamped in the grief of missing him (as he used to be) and his family, but listening to your wise words immediately soothes me ♥️ it’s incredible to think that even though I’ve never met you, you’ve had a profound effect on my healing! THANK YOU!
Oh beautiful Anna, I can feel your heart fromt he words you write. I'm truly sorry for his inadequacy. Look what he missed out on... a loving and committed partner. Thank you for your thoughtful note. I am happy that something I've offered is of help. Keep moving forward. You are meant to be with an equal.
Keep going. Loverelationship can be as addictive as cocain. It hurts like hell we the loved one is gone. But believe me the experience is teaching you how to seek the security and unconditionally love within. ❤️
@@SusanWinter Thank you! It was lovely to read your kind words. And you are right - I totally deserve an equal, ie someone who loves as deeply and sincerely as I do 😊 Anyway, wishing you a blessed week, and keep up the wonderful work!
@@carlauchoaknoll Thank you, yes it does feel like an addiction - even though he’s behaved dishonourably in various ways and I know the full picture of him now, my heart still struggles to let go because I remember the way he used to be and the immense joy he gave me! I definitely need to love myself more - would be great to feel ‘whole’ and joyful as just me. Hope all is going well in your world 🥰
Thank you for this! Divorced after 20 yrs. and starting to date again. Quickly became too taken in by a woman who'd draw me in and then break dates. It left me confused, down on myself. Since watching this have been saying to myself "you're in the loop" whenever I begin to think of her/situation. It works! Able to concentrate and overall feel better. Journey back from divorce has been tough but you helped me take a step. Thank you!!
A year later and the spiral has only continued. It's been a nightmare. But I'm still trying. Am putting this video on a new playlist and will try to do even harder work within myself every day. I feel so destroyed.
This is exactly what I needed. I've been in this loop for more than two months now and since I've found your channel, you've helped me a lot on elaborating my feelings and emotions. Can't wait to watch this one after class, but couldn't wait to comment cause I just feel so grateful.
I was good enough for bed but not for a relationship. He told me I was not his type, too old and too big. Now I am obsessed with the thought about losing weight and having a glow up and then meet him „out of nowhere“ and then tell him I don’t want him because he is not good enough for me now…would be such a good feeling but it takes at least a year to lose all my weight etc..
I know the feeling of revenge. Let this pain motivate you to get better for yourself. When the time comes and you feel good you will not even care if he sees you or not. You deserve someone that loves you for you. And you deserve to love yourself.
This is so important to me right now! Who cares why they left the important thing is they are gone so move forward. No logical answer needed. The important part is it's over!
Dear Susan, wonderful video as usual. I would add one more important topic. What about mental health issues? What about if the other person has mental health issues, and that's why their behavior is so incongruent? This is the reason why, I believe, we have to vet people first before we jump into a long-term commitment. That's why open conversations about substantial topics are so necessary to happen on first dates. The obsession begins because, at the very beginning, the ones who now left were in the dynamic too. Consciously or unconsciously seduced the person who is now obsessing, letting with "the void" and no explanation. Is this ok? Of course not! It is not ok. If we can't love for whatever reason or are afraid to love, we must communicate it. It takes courage, yes. But it is so necessary. It allows the other person to help you or move on in peace, knowing what was going on. We must learn that we have emotional responsibility towards another human being. Wishing you a wonderful week, Alexandra
Hi Alexandra. Fantastic to read your thoughts on this topic. And yes, mental health issues are an entirely different ball game. The experience can create automatic hot and cold, along with mixed messages. Regardless of the origin, we must be able to extract ourselves from the mental loop. Reframing the thoughts and catching them in the first place is off in the beginning of that transformation. Thanks again for your commentary
Alexandra, I've noticed your comments on Susan's videos before, and I find it so cool that you analyze and think about these topics from so many angles. It's, I think, an enrichment for the world :) I'm obviously no dating specialist, but I've been in this kind of situation before, on both ends. All I can say is that mental health issues like depression and anxiety make for good explanations of someone's behavior, but the person who is confronted with a partner predisposed to these illnesses ought to carefully think for themselves whether they are okay with the proportion of their needs that this partner is able to fulfill for them. Also, having a mental illness that still leaves your logic and empathy mostly intact means you still have the responsibility to act considerately towards other people's feelings. Up to a certain degree of disease severity, I think it's not an excuse for behaving at the emotional maturity level of a 12-year-old and feeling entitled to other people constantly forgiving you while you don't work on yourself. (I only talk about these two mood disorders because I don't have experience with any others and barely any with personality disorders). Speaking from my experience, many conundrums and crises of depression and anxiety can be handled by communicating openly, vulnerably (with discernment) and both partners having a solution-oriented mindset. Of course, there always are different situations, so it's certainly wise to assess them on a case-by-case basis.
I'm a dude and this channel is so great. This is so true. I keep going around in circles trying to find answers.. and I already know the answer. I was a shitty partner for a lot of the relationship and couldn't keep a positive vibe and was rude often. But my mind keeps going back to the what if this, what if that, what if what if what if. And I already know why. I didn't show up. The thought loop is your brain trying to solve a problem to make sense of it's new reality.
I'm currently in this crazy loop. I’d say I'm even in two loops. One of them has been going on for many years. It seemed I had already been out of this obsession but then I caught myself with it again and now I’ve got one more. I know that I takes time to go out of this circle. I had already been going through it so many times but I can’t grasp why I find myself in such mental condition again and again. I feel like I need working on this problem because It destroys my life. I sincerely hope your advises will help, thanks♥️
Hey Susan, just wanted to let you know that you’re one of the most amazing people I’ve never met. Yet, you’ve had a significant impact on my life! I left a great relationship four months ago and after about 4-5 years of either chasing love or infatuation, I have no started finding peace within myself and what I have to offer to this world. I don’t know when or how I’ll find my next love, or even have the capacity within me to hold it it dear to my heart - I just hope your words and wisdom stay true to my soul regardless of how things turn out. I just turned 24 and life seems beautiful. I hope it stays that way. Hope I heal from my obsession with first love/attachment and grow as I go.
Tanay!! Thank you For your beautiful message. You are only 24, and already so wise. True, we haven't met in person but please know how grateful I am that you've found your way to this community. Big hug!!
Your content is so helpful, I look back at the person I love and feel nothing but shame, and guilt. It’s so comforting knowing I’m not the only one, and I can fix myself
Thanks Susan. I’ve recently told someone I’m dropping it because I feel like I’m becoming too serious way too soon. So I gave that statement and now I can move on.
Alex! Hello my dear man! Well I’m happy to know that you were interested in someone. That’s a very good sign and I’m even happier to know that you extricated yourself from a dead end situation. That is brilliant. I’m proud of you. Sending you a big hug from the other side of the pond
Thank youuuuu always 🕊🕊 but how can you forgive your self and move on. Forgive your self for putting your self in this situation where you felt disrespected
Reham, you entered in good faith. You believed what you were shown at the time. Who wouldn't? Had your lover not been good at reeling you in, you wouldn't have moved toward them. So please forgive yourself. You gave it a shot based on the information you had at the time. When we know more, we make new choices. As you have, by moving on
I’m stuck In the loop so badly , I obsess over it day in and day out . Even tho we aren’t speaking I go look at his socials constantly it’s actually torture and it’s exhausting and I just can’t do it anymore… but I can’t stop
Thank you so much for understanding. It's such a painful experience and it's very difficult getting out of the loop. Accept the illogical... end of story.
Godly timing Susan.. do you think you could possibly discuss how addictive this obsession is? Even when I know what I need to do but I’m unable to break away?
I recently watched a video that explains the neuroscience behind this quite excellently, it was on Brianna McWilliam's channel. She very convincingly illustrates just how much emotional rollercoasters are like slot machines, and I'm saying this as a neuroscientist myself :) It helped me feel less self-conscious and less like it feeling so awful was somehow my "personal shortcoming". Understanding this helped me finally cut ties with that one friend that had been giving me mixed signals for ages but, whenever asked, always said they were not into anything serious, and then promised to never do the mixed signs again...which always lasted until a few months later. Thanks, but no thanks. My mind deserves strengthening nourishment, not weakening addiction.
@@blueblackhusky ahhh that’s crazy because I’ve been watching her videos too! When I understood my attachment style & his it all made sense. He’s an avoidant & im anxious lol 🤷🏻♀️ I have to look for the one you’re talking about though.. I hope I find some of that peace.
Thank you so much for this. I have been struggling with this for over a year. (I got dumped during lockdown right before the holidays and my ex and his family were my bubble. it was super hard!) Because of this and being isolated and not being able to go out and do the usual post break up things I was instead stuck at home ruminating and crying and hurting. This video was so helpful. I just wanted to add that when I go back and ruminate its also the "I should have said that or I should have done this". Too often I hold back and dont speak up. I am trying to change this but it definitely adds to the loop of obsession cause if I had said something at the appropriate time it would have ended the behavior loop right there. Thank you. Your videos are straightforward and helpful.
Oh I’m so happy to hear this! You know I’ve just realized that it is not available in every country. We are trying to get the statistics on some of the changes as to where it’s offered. I know here in the US it is good and then I heard Australia and the UK work with the link. I’m so happy that you got something out of it and thank you for sharing this with me
I've currently let go of both people past & present. I drew a picture the other day that represented emotions, there was a lightning bolt moment which was finding out that im obsessed about relationships & couldn't work out why or how, your videos showed up at the right time. my other picture was a burning candle which means passion for me and there was a chariot which I had seen coming in fast. Been doing alot of healing as of lately.
My angle on the obsessive loop is being alone and depressed and looking for a home to live in and not being able to choose one. I keep falling back into wanting to die. I wonder how I would apply this in this situation ?
I know all these things, but hearing you just now, on the day I needed to hear it most, gives me much energy to let something go. You are special! Thank You.
Hey Susan, I couldn't have asked for more right now. Confessed during lockdown and keep thinking of the what ifs. All this looking back wondering what could be different, searching for answers I can totally relate to that! And I need to free my mind from that and accept the illogical circumstances so I don't keep exhausting myself. And I will watch this every day until finally I feel like I can carry on, so thank you so much!
I'm taking notes as fast as I can and creating mantras for myself to shake off this latest infatuation. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, for helping me find a way out of this well-meaning but WAY-sticky brain. Meanwhile I'm working on healing from the childhood wounds that built these painful tracks into my head. I've had one magnificent partner until he died; I've got an improving shot at finding another, and/or meanwhile growing more content with my singleness and friends. Again, thank you.
They lost someone who loved them. You lost someone who didn't love you. So who really lost something?
Exactly this! We lost nothing!
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
Wow 👏
Powerful
He is the one who lost out.
I love the part you said Susan about "This is not my partner - my partner wouldn't do this to me."
Hey are you trying to attract love (sp) or get an ex back to you, the love specialist offers the best solutions in fixing,restoring broken relationships and attracting love 🌺
±2348089808728⏯⏯???????
The obsessive loop can be hard to shake. Especially if you thought they were "the one". But over time reality of the situation takes over and it becomes easier to accept and move forward
Brilliantly stated John. Thanks for being a part of my TH-cam family
@@SusanWinter absolutely. Your channel has gotten me through some tough times. And for that I am truly thankful
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
Yes indeed
I wish the reality of the situation would hurry up already! Caught in a loop right now.
Love this message
Would someone worth having leave you and have you chase them?
You need to believe you deserve someone who feels lucky to be with you. Anything less is not even a true loss
I think we need to all write that and put it on our refrigerator to read every day. I love what you said
So beautifully said ! Thanks for those words !
" Anything less is not even a true loss" SO TRUE. Reminds me of the quote "not everything you lose is a loss"
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
I thought I was the only one torturing myself 😵💫
Most of the time, when the connection that felt so great and suddenly left with no answers has nothing to do with you. They could be going through their own wounds, traumas and working on healing themselves, or they might have reconnected with their past connections. No one owes you any explanations or closures if that is what you are looking for, what you could do is make that firm choice to hold yourself in a loving place, love yourself enough to walk away. You are enough!💜
You make it sound so easy…. I’m personally struggling to let go of a much loved friendship… we were never going to be together… that’s fine but she’s gone from my life ..I feel like a large part of me has been ripped out… I just don’t know how to get over it and fill the void.
Thank you so much. Felt your words
@@deantaylor1512 Same. Things will never be the same
Nah, people who claimed to care about another do owe honesty and closure when choosing to end something, especially when it’s out of the blue.
We just need to accept that it may not be forthcoming. Too many people walking around thinking unaccountability is a virtue and no coach should be tacitly endorsing that kind of toxicity, well intentioned as they may be.
@@77Creation TRUE
The dreaded loop of obsession…. Ah yes… hunting for the sense in fickleness. Been there done that. My statement was “Glad it happened sooner rather than later. Wasn’t meant to be”.
Love this Jean. thanks
Yes that's what I said when my boyfriend threatened to leave me I told him if he leaves he wasn't mine to begin with and the sooner the better. Now that he ghosted me it still hurts and I've been in the loop
That's been my sentence as well. "I'm so glad it happened now and not a year from now"
Everything happens for a reason. This person is not for you. Came in your life to learn this lesson. It will hurt but gives you so much strenght to move on and there are so many other people. Let them to be with there own demons and...give yourself the life and love you deserve. They will miss you for who you are and that will be there lesson ♥🍀
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
😢🙏🏽❤️
You deserve to be happy. You're allowed to move on from this chapter.
If someone has treated you unfairly, understand that that's not a good person. See them for who they truly are, not for who you wish they were.
Thank you 🙏
“Accept the illogical” love it! Also when you mentioned going back to see if you sent the wrong word or smiley face wow! It’s hilarious looking back but so true
Bruised self esteem and ego, Feeling of rejection and regret, missing out on real life
It's hard to come up with a statement but one that has worked for me is "Don't disrupt the laws of the Universe" which means, you did what you did. The break up was meant for you both to grow and either: A. come back to eachother B. be with someone else or C. enjoy your own company. Don't force attraction.
They are not my friends. A real friend wouldn’t do what they did. They changed their mind about me/the relationship/s. It was. Now it is over. There are others out there who will love me and appreciate me and care about my wellbeing. Those people will come into my life and it will be amazing.
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***.
I am trying to shake it. I am in my 40's and just lost a relationship that made me feel incredible like no other. 😢
I had been there . It hurts a lot but I am glad that it happened to me. It really changed me alot as a person. I had no grudges for him. It's finally over
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
One year and 2 months of wonderful daily friendship. Got ghosted. I did not pursue him. We bumped into each other after 3 months.. he came to say hello and was friendly.. i was friendly back. He was surprised from my calm reaction. I did not mention anythijg about ghosting. Then i focused to recover my hurt side alone..and doing my best to do mindful decissions. The pain was severe as i was so happy and his ghosting was like pulling a rug from underneath because i never expected this lovely relation to end..nor this way. It was so confusing clash from within. Also him being friendly is more confusing. Then how it all abruptly ended as well. Im hoping to pull out of this ugly loop... apparently i acted my part well... did not show weakness but i hope i recover
It's ok to be hurt and show it. That's not weakness. Why would you pretend everything was cool when you met? That's saying it's ok to be a doormat. Confront him and call him out
Bless you, exactly what I needed to hear.
happy to read this, D Michaels
You are always amazing.. I used to be trapped in the loop. The searching analysis.. etc. wow its mind blowing. " my partner would not do this to me".. CUT .. love this! Acceptance.. ahh. Could have saved me years ... It was the Dream!!
ZEN MAIDEN!! Hiya doll. Great to see your comment here. You're living proof that this works.
Thank you. So helpful. Blocked and deleted his number despite how painful. 🤔
That's so true your mind goes around and around trying to figure out what happened. I haven't met someone or dated in 3yrs. I'm ready now.. over it
If humans are illogical and love is fickle (along with the prevalence of a throw-away culture), what’s the point of dating? Serious question. Is the pain worth the reward? And is there a reward anymore? Seems everyone wants shallow superficial connections to deep and meaningful. I’m so confused. Anyone else?
I know that it can feel like that. It has certainly degraded as have our manners and civil behavior around dating. However, there are many people who feel as you do. There are fine individuals who want a quality relationship with a meaningful connection. Hang in there. Please don’t let the negative make you fount the positive
@@SusanWinter Thanks for those thoughtful words, Susan. I’ve been trying to find a way to stop thinking that way as well
I feel the exact way. I feel like giving up, it is so much work to weed out the wrong ones. I feel this way about finding good girlfriends too. Seems like humans, in general, are terrible at intimacy and connection.
I so understand your frustration and exhaustion with this, because I sometimes also feel at wit's end with all of these people who don't know what they want. But I think searching is worth it, if only because a life of pain avoidance is a life lived in very small parameters.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a pain-free life, and contentment and balance are wonderful things to strive for. They can, however, also be found in relationships - I've had the good fortune before (and feel very blessed by fortune for those experiences). I do agree that throwaway culture is a thing, a thing that makes people far less considerate with another's feelings, and that sucks. But you know what? People who are clear about their values _and_ have good values have always been around, will always be around, and won't be derailed into insensitivity by how the general population behaves.
Yes, it definitely takes effort to weed out the fakes and the purely self-interested. However, facing this challenge only makes the prize sweeter when you do find those wonderful humans who, to quote Susan, want the same thing as you and want it with you. Also, it may not be everyone's cup of tea, but a life of ups and downs is far more memorable and feels more vivid and rich than one lived in constantly safe but small parameters (take it from someone who suffers from anxiety of various kinds).
I'm not saying this about ups and downs in order to defend rollercoaster situationships - those suck for sure - but to say that the search, with its excitement and hope paired with reality checks and sometimes incompatibility and sadness, may, retrospectively, make you feel better about a life lived fully. Even if you don't find the one for life, you A. will have had exposure to all kinds of people, and B. be able to say: I gave this my best shot. There is no guarantee of success, but you know how it goes - "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take".
It's normal to feel depleted by the current dating landscape, and perhaps you could use a short break? But don't give up on your dream :) You yourself are worthy of getting your desires fulfilled, and, in the absence of that, to at least know you did your best for yourself. Even if that "best" means figuring out one day in the future that you're better off cultivating the connections to your friends and family. Just don't give up on searching for the best constellation for yourself :)
@@larissagonzales6075 I gave up for over five years then decided to start dating again only to get into a relationship to be ghosted and left heartbroken.
It's very difficult. Seeing someone that was loving and a parent to my child, devolve into a very hateful person, completely broke me. Months later, still in therapy and recovering. Appreciate these videos. I feel lost...
Hey how are you doing now?
How do you kill and starve these thoughts? I’m trying to just yell at my brain no! We’re not doing it anymore! I don’t feel like it’s very productive though. Like I think I’ve tried just about everything. As soon as I push it away, it pops right back up. Nothing helps, just a constant barrage of “ was it me?“ “ what did I do wrong?“ and how we went from bliss, excitement, and closeness. To discard, cold, and just wanting to move on. It’s the most illogical thing I’ve ever experienced. I don’t know what I did to deserve it..
Love the explanation that it is our ego which is bruised, and we need to come to a place of acceptance. Never easy...
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
Wonderful as always Susan. My statement is 'there was obviously something wrong with this situation/partnership that I'm just not seeing. It was for the best, even if I can't understand it right now.' Love to everyone going through this!
I’m so glad you’re going through the healing prioress! So much love to you!
Great timing Susan! As for me, thinking that i’m a great catch to anyone who’s going to meet me and love me helped me a lot. I’m loyal, fully committed and honest in every way. Grateful to people who left my life because I wouldn’t have done it. And guess what, it’s their loss 😅
I am loyal and fully committed too but these values don't mean much for some people.
Accept the illogical and move forward
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
Susan, you are absolutely wonderful. I’ve been in the “loop” for years. Like your client, he was average in EVERY way, but for some reason I fell deeply in love with him. I still love him, but I know it is well past time that I let go and give myself a chance to find someone who will actually be emotionally available to me. Thank you for your wisdom and kindness. 🙏😊
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
So glad to read someone else has been in the loop for a long time, over a year for me
This couldn't have come at a better time. I'm currently stuck in a loop of obsession after being ghosted. It just hurts there is no closure and getting over the what if is difficult.
I am in exactly the same situation... First guy I dated and liked so much in a loooong time, he told me he was into me and wanted to be with me long-term then, made future plans with me and then... he ghosted. It hurts so much!!!!!! I can't sleep at all and my self-esteem is horrible.
This is why we have to do the closure ourselves. It is very common to have a break up or be abandoned by someone who gives us no explanation. It’s impolite. It’s not kind. It’s thoughtless. But it happens. Knowing that, we need to do the work ourselves to free ourselves
That happened to me once. In the end I accepted that a decent person would never have done that and I actually had a lucky escape. That helped break the cycle!
I think it makes us feel less than like we are deficient or they wouldn't have left. I know deep down that isn't true. The issues are theirs not ours. Take care. X
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
Susan is easy to listen and learn from, because she is so kind in her delivery. Many happy awakenings.
"you cannot recapture anybody from the loop" SO TRUE!
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
Exactly! It's not love. It's a self created loop. The same loop you got through into it will take to get out of it.
It's really hard to stay strong sometimes
I'm going to have to keep looping this video.
I took your advice and wrote down what I thought was the reason for the demise and I also took some time to compare and contrast to past relationships and breakups. I was able to see it in a new light.
She spoke a lot (way too much) about past relationships and I tried to show her that I was a better man and therefore would win the prize. I tried too hard, doing some things I'd never done before, which was part of the problem. But there was no winning either way, not with this one. She wasn't who I wanted her to be. Bullet dodged. Time to move on. Thank you Susan!
That description is/was me to a T. That loop is a mental headf****, until I recognise it. We have to stop doubting our worthiness and being loveable. That was me....I'm slowly changing that mindset/heartset and the sense of feeling lightness and hope is empowering. I hope you all find that also. Thank you Susan for your insights, wisdom and love 💝🙏
Oh Susan, your videos have given me strength and hope through the most painful breakup, and darkest time, of my life! It is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, to accept that a man who was once utterly besotted with me and so protective and tender towards me, now has no problem kicking me to the curb and acting like nothing happened. It is especially tough to let go of his family, who I became close to and who I know genuinely adored me. Several months later I still have moments where I’m swamped in the grief of missing him (as he used to be) and his family, but listening to your wise words immediately soothes me ♥️ it’s incredible to think that even though I’ve never met you, you’ve had a profound effect on my healing! THANK YOU!
Oh beautiful Anna, I can feel your heart fromt he words you write. I'm truly sorry for his inadequacy. Look what he missed out on... a loving and committed partner. Thank you for your thoughtful note. I am happy that something I've offered is of help. Keep moving forward. You are meant to be with an equal.
Keep going. Loverelationship can be as addictive as cocain. It hurts like hell we the loved one is gone. But believe me the experience is teaching you how to seek the security and unconditionally love within. ❤️
@@SusanWinter Thank you! It was lovely to read your kind words. And you are right - I totally deserve an equal, ie someone who loves as deeply and sincerely as I do 😊 Anyway, wishing you a blessed week, and keep up the wonderful work!
@@carlauchoaknoll Thank you, yes it does feel like an addiction - even though he’s behaved dishonourably in various ways and I know the full picture of him now, my heart still struggles to let go because I remember the way he used to be and the immense joy he gave me! I definitely need to love myself more - would be great to feel ‘whole’ and joyful as just me. Hope all is going well in your world 🥰
@@annamallard2730 Thank you ! I am calibrating my Self-love 😎
God bless you. 💋
Hoping that all of us are able to get out of this mess that we have inadvertently found ourselves in 😔
you make the kind of content that you can like before watching because you always make good content
Thank you Harley
true
If that person is meant to be, they will find one reason to stay. Let that shit go.
Thank you for this! Divorced after 20 yrs. and starting to date again. Quickly became too taken in by a woman who'd draw me in and then break dates. It left me confused, down on myself. Since watching this have been saying to myself "you're in the loop" whenever I begin to think of her/situation. It works! Able to concentrate and overall feel better. Journey back from divorce has been tough but you helped me take a step. Thank you!!
A year later and the spiral has only continued. It's been a nightmare. But I'm still trying. Am putting this video on a new playlist and will try to do even harder work within myself every day. I feel so destroyed.
This is exactly what I needed. I've been in this loop for more than two months now and since I've found your channel, you've helped me a lot on elaborating my feelings and emotions. Can't wait to watch this one after class, but couldn't wait to comment cause I just feel so grateful.
I’m so glad that I was able to help! What did you think about the video
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
@@SusanWinter enlightening as always... hard at some points, sometimes it's not easy to face reality
This was so adequate. It really helps to see this mechanism of it beeing ilogical
Thanks Helle
I was good enough for bed but not for a relationship. He told me I was not his type, too old and too big. Now I am obsessed with the thought about losing weight and having a glow up and then meet him „out of nowhere“ and then tell him I don’t want him because he is not good enough for me now…would be such a good feeling but it takes at least a year to lose all my weight etc..
I know the feeling of revenge. Let this pain motivate you to get better for yourself. When the time comes and you feel good you will not even care if he sees you or not. You deserve someone that loves you for you. And you deserve to love yourself.
@@SofiaGogo This is good advice. And I was just about to tell her the same thing
I’m terribly sorry for your experience. But like the other commentators said, use it to fuel “a better you.”
maybe it was one sided & you were mislead. whatever the reason, you have to unpack it & sit with it & keep pushing. Thank you Susan
Correct. Unpack it and sit with it.
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
now thats good timing! I thought about this all day and suddenly you upload a new video :)
love it. thanks dominic
This is so important to me right now! Who cares why they left the important thing is they are gone so move forward. No logical answer needed. The important part is it's over!
My new mantra is- If you don't want me I won't let myself want you ❤
I am stuck in this loop so badly and I'm ready to get over it.
Listen to this again. Just give yourself the answer. YOur mind will stop when it has resolve
@@SusanWinter thank you for the kind and insightful words
Accept it for what it is. The fantasy was just that...A fantasy.
I hope you're out of the loop and feeling way better. Signed, someone in the loop right now.
Wow, your definition of obsession sounds so spot on
Thank you, Hannah!
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
Dear Susan,
wonderful video as usual.
I would add one more important topic. What about mental health issues? What about if the other person has mental health issues, and that's why their behavior is so incongruent? This is the reason why, I believe, we have to vet people first before we jump into a long-term commitment. That's why open conversations about substantial topics are so necessary to happen on first dates.
The obsession begins because, at the very beginning, the ones who now left were in the dynamic too. Consciously or unconsciously seduced the person who is now obsessing, letting with "the void" and no explanation. Is this ok? Of course not! It is not ok. If we can't love for whatever reason or are afraid to love, we must communicate it. It takes courage, yes. But it is so necessary. It allows the other person to help you or move on in peace, knowing what was going on.
We must learn that we have emotional responsibility towards another human being.
Wishing you a wonderful week,
Alexandra
Hi Alexandra. Fantastic to read your thoughts on this topic. And yes, mental health issues are an entirely different ball game. The experience can create automatic hot and cold, along with mixed messages. Regardless of the origin, we must be able to extract ourselves from the mental loop. Reframing the thoughts and catching them in the first place is off in the beginning of that transformation. Thanks again for your commentary
Alexandra, I've noticed your comments on Susan's videos before, and I find it so cool that you analyze and think about these topics from so many angles. It's, I think, an enrichment for the world :)
I'm obviously no dating specialist, but I've been in this kind of situation before, on both ends. All I can say is that mental health issues like depression and anxiety make for good explanations of someone's behavior, but the person who is confronted with a partner predisposed to these illnesses ought to carefully think for themselves whether they are okay with the proportion of their needs that this partner is able to fulfill for them. Also, having a mental illness that still leaves your logic and empathy mostly intact means you still have the responsibility to act considerately towards other people's feelings. Up to a certain degree of disease severity, I think it's not an excuse for behaving at the emotional maturity level of a 12-year-old and feeling entitled to other people constantly forgiving you while you don't work on yourself. (I only talk about these two mood disorders because I don't have experience with any others and barely any with personality disorders).
Speaking from my experience, many conundrums and crises of depression and anxiety can be handled by communicating openly, vulnerably (with discernment) and both partners having a solution-oriented mindset. Of course, there always are different situations, so it's certainly wise to assess them on a case-by-case basis.
I'm a dude and this channel is so great. This is so true. I keep going around in circles trying to find answers.. and I already know the answer. I was a shitty partner for a lot of the relationship and couldn't keep a positive vibe and was rude often. But my mind keeps going back to the what if this, what if that, what if what if what if. And I already know why. I didn't show up. The thought loop is your brain trying to solve a problem to make sense of it's new reality.
I needed to hear this message years ago when, after 20 years, the ex threw me out. Made everything terrible. What a shock. Thank you!!
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
needed this one..
Hi Michael. Glad that it worked for you
I'm currently in this crazy loop. I’d say I'm even in two loops. One of them has been going on for many years. It seemed I had already been out of this obsession but then I caught myself with it again and now I’ve got one more. I know that I takes time to go out of this circle. I had already been going through it so many times but I can’t grasp why I find myself in such mental condition again and again. I feel like I need working on this problem because It destroys my life. I sincerely hope your advises will help, thanks♥️
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
I am the same fool I am here
I wish I had seen this video about two years ago.
Robert., thanks for that. I wish I knew this 20 years ago
Thank you! Perfect time Susan. Just needed this. Yes the ego has been bruised. And mind has been obsessing.Lots of love.
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
Hey Susan, just wanted to let you know that you’re one of the most amazing people I’ve never met. Yet, you’ve had a significant impact on my life!
I left a great relationship four months ago and after about 4-5 years of either chasing love or infatuation, I have no started finding peace within myself and what I have to offer to this world.
I don’t know when or how I’ll find my next love, or even have the capacity within me to hold it it dear to my heart - I just hope your words and wisdom stay true to my soul regardless of how things turn out. I just turned 24 and life seems beautiful. I hope it stays that way.
Hope I heal from my obsession with first love/attachment and grow as I go.
Tanay!! Thank you For your beautiful message. You are only 24, and already so wise. True, we haven't met in person but please know how grateful I am that you've found your way to this community. Big hug!!
@@SusanWinter big hug!
Tanay you are not alone, i feel just like you. I am 27. I hope life has some unexpected and beautiful things in store for us
I can say your first paragraph about her for me. She is amazing
Thank you so much Susan. I was suffering now I can at least sleep a little well❤
Your content is so helpful, I look back at the person I love and feel nothing but shame, and guilt. It’s so comforting knowing I’m not the only one, and I can fix myself
this was so great Susan and exactly what i needed to hear, infatuation can feel like groundhog day when not dealt with !! thank you so much
Thanks Susan. I’ve recently told someone I’m dropping it because I feel like I’m becoming too serious way too soon. So I gave that statement and now I can move on.
Alex! Hello my dear man! Well I’m happy to know that you were interested in someone. That’s a very good sign and I’m even happier to know that you extricated yourself from a dead end situation. That is brilliant. I’m proud of you. Sending you a big hug from the other side of the pond
Thank youuuuu always 🕊🕊 but how can you forgive your self and move on. Forgive your self for putting your self in this situation where you felt disrespected
Reham, you entered in good faith. You believed what you were shown at the time. Who wouldn't? Had your lover not been good at reeling you in, you wouldn't have moved toward them. So please forgive yourself. You gave it a shot based on the information you had at the time. When we know more, we make new choices. As you have, by moving on
I’m stuck In the loop so badly , I obsess over it day in and day out . Even tho we aren’t speaking I go look at his socials constantly it’s actually torture and it’s exhausting and I just can’t do it anymore… but I can’t stop
Hi are you doing any better now? I’m in the same situation and I do t want this anymore.
@@vinyassa44 YES ! It’s taken some time but I’m getting better
Love how it's said like it's so easy to just do it because I've watched the video. I'm still traumatised.
Thank you so much for understanding. It's such a painful experience and it's very difficult getting out of the loop. Accept the illogical... end of story.
Great video
thanks DJ
Godly timing Susan.. do you think you could possibly discuss how addictive this obsession is? Even when I know what I need to do but I’m unable to break away?
I recently watched a video that explains the neuroscience behind this quite excellently, it was on Brianna McWilliam's channel. She very convincingly illustrates just how much emotional rollercoasters are like slot machines, and I'm saying this as a neuroscientist myself :) It helped me feel less self-conscious and less like it feeling so awful was somehow my "personal shortcoming". Understanding this helped me finally cut ties with that one friend that had been giving me mixed signals for ages but, whenever asked, always said they were not into anything serious, and then promised to never do the mixed signs again...which always lasted until a few months later. Thanks, but no thanks. My mind deserves strengthening nourishment, not weakening addiction.
@@blueblackhusky ahhh that’s crazy because I’ve been watching her videos too! When I understood my attachment style & his it all made sense. He’s an avoidant & im anxious lol 🤷🏻♀️ I have to look for the one you’re talking about though.. I hope I find some of that peace.
I love watching your old videos. Some just kick back to reality. Humans are unpredictable indeed
Susan is on point boy
Thank you so much for this. I have been struggling with this for over a year. (I got dumped during lockdown right before the holidays and my ex and his family were my bubble. it was super hard!) Because of this and being isolated and not being able to go out and do the usual post break up things I was instead stuck at home ruminating and crying and hurting. This video was so helpful. I just wanted to add that when I go back and ruminate its also the "I should have said that or I should have done this". Too often I hold back and dont speak up. I am trying to change this but it definitely adds to the loop of obsession cause if I had said something at the appropriate time it would have ended the behavior loop right there. Thank you. Your videos are straightforward and helpful.
Today i finished your 'How to grow together'. It's beautiful! Thank you!😊
Oh I’m so happy to hear this! You know I’ve just realized that it is not available in every country. We are trying to get the statistics on some of the changes as to where it’s offered. I know here in the US it is good and then I heard Australia and the UK work with the link. I’m so happy that you got something out of it and thank you for sharing this with me
I needed this video. I was just ghosted after a 6 year relationship. Thank you for making this video.
Thank you Susan. Really needed this TODAY. I love you so much!
One of your best videos yet. Thank you Susan!
Love your top Susan! Beaut! *chef kiss
Thank you!
you said everything I am dealing with since 2017, for everyday
excellent!
Thanks Susan. You look great in that shirt!
Thank you Catherine the great!
Thank you so much your words helped me through some confusing times
I love reading this. Thank you
Letting go and starting from starch is hard. Now I’m learning to enjoy the ride for the NEXT bus.
Thank you Susan. You always come at the right time saying exactly what we needed to hear. I have to save myself and get out of the loop.
Thank you, Susan. I needed to hear this today.
I’m so happy to read this. Thanks Scott
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
I've currently let go of both people past & present. I drew a picture the other day that represented emotions, there was a lightning bolt moment which was finding out that im obsessed about relationships & couldn't work out why or how, your videos showed up at the right time. my other picture was a burning candle which means passion for me and there was a chariot which I had seen coming in fast. Been doing alot of healing as of lately.
Thank you Susan. I keep listening to you and trying to work on myself and my issues.
Susan you are great. I adore the way you put it for me to understand. Thank you
Cute dress!💞💗
You are the truth & very helpful you nailed it on the DOT, thank you a lot
My angle on the obsessive loop is being alone and depressed and looking for a home to live in and not being able to choose one. I keep falling back into wanting to die. I wonder how I would apply this in this situation ?
I know all these things, but hearing you just now, on the day I needed to hear it most, gives me much energy to let something go. You are special! Thank You.
Hey Susan, I couldn't have asked for more right now. Confessed during lockdown and keep thinking of the what ifs. All this looking back wondering what could be different, searching for answers I can totally relate to that! And I need to free my mind from that and accept the illogical circumstances so I don't keep exhausting myself. And I will watch this every day until finally I feel like I can carry on, so thank you so much!
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
This really makes sense. Why would they come back if you’re the same person that they left.
susan ur the best
Excellent.
Thank you Susan
Wonderful! Thanks
💕
+2349015122652⏮⏮⏮⏮ Hello it's v works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break up..***
I'm taking notes as fast as I can and creating mantras for myself to shake off this latest infatuation. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, for helping me find a way out of this well-meaning but WAY-sticky brain. Meanwhile I'm working on healing from the childhood wounds that built these painful tracks into my head. I've had one magnificent partner until he died; I've got an improving shot at finding another, and/or meanwhile growing more content with my singleness and friends. Again, thank you.
Well said
🙏
You just saved me a whole lotta stress queen ily
Thank you Susan Winter i just got rid of my obsession from ur video and other videos
God Bless you for doing this beautiful job !! So many golden hearts are saved !!! Thanks
I really appreciate that. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. That’s my goal
thank you a lot Susan