Ending Obsession: Disconnecting the ‘partner’ from the ‘dream’
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 24 ม.ค. 2022
- Carina writes, “Dear Susan, I´d describe myself as a reasonable woman. Still, I spent the past year trying to get over a love that never happened. I´ve seen all your videos and read your eBook Breakup Triage. But I´m not able to disconnect the man from the dream. There is this small part in me that can´t let go. Do you have any advice for hopeless cases? Where does this destructive craving come from? Thank you!”
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He is NOT the only one!! The dream still stands just with a more WORTHY and DESERVING man! ✨🌈 thank you so much for this message
I'm going to put that on my mirror. "The dream still stands" . Thanks!
I know you’re going to find the perfect match with that attitude!! 🤗
Your right! Work your magic! Live at all coasts!!!
Karina, the reason that you are stuck in this obsession is because the relationship never happened.
If you would have experienced the relationship, you would have experienced the stress, drama, disagreements, anger and frustrations that ALL relationships have (along with the love and good stuff) and you would have seen that in many ways he is just another man, with many of the problems all men (and women) have.
Signed,
a man.
Are you always so positive !!?? Signed a woman ;)
@@michelledehaen8997 The dream and the person are inseparable.
When that person moved on, Karina would be wise to find another person and create a different dream with them based on their relationship.
So rather than seeking ‘the’ dream seek a new dream with a new person.
For her to seek ‘the’ dream with a different person is impossible and it attempts to deny the reality of the special connection with the last person and tries to shoehorn the new person’s into a past dream she had for someone else.
This point could not possibly be more important. I went through a breakup about a month ago and have been reviewing this concept. Stacking the most recent one next to three other women, including my longest and most significant relationship, it was fascinating to observe that at least fleetingly, the intensity of the emotion and heartbreak was almost directly proportional to how much I DIDN'T experience, not how much I did. The longest one was the easiest because I had already experienced all the negative. There was no idealization. In one woman's case, even though she's become a friend, she's an utter nightmare in long-term relationships, and seeing that from the sidelines totally shattered the dream and ironically, allowed for me being her friend. I am simply not interested romantically, having seen what actuality is.
Thankyou for your comment. I wish I had read it 8months ago and followed the advice. I'm in the same boat as Karina. Anyhow I can't do anything about the time I've already wasted. Trying to work on myself now one day at a time.
@@bp51082 I feel the ending of short term relationships hurt more because we never got to live the dream.
The best way to forget about someone is to hyper-focus on what makes you happy and do those things immediately. You will then discover that you have never be happier and that person becomes irrelevant.
That’s wonderful advice
Amen! Great advice.
This is exactly what I experienced. A dream, a planned future in my head. A home together, holidays, a wonderful life together.
We are both mature and single so I thought it meant something. Alas he flaked out on me.
Thank you, wise Susan 💕
Went through the same thing last year. There's always someone better.
I was in the exactly same place Carina was in. I met an incredibly charming, charismatic, and sexy person who was my ideal guy. He activated my dream, even though we were never in a relationship. When that fell through I was devastated, obsessed, you name it. I still met other people and had my fun, but he no one quite measured up and he always stayed in the back of my mind. I met him in 2010. I didn't "get over" him until 2018, when I finally developed strong feelings for someone else. Hopefully, it doesn't take Carina the same amount of time to meet someone else who pieces her dream back together. Long story short: there's always someone after the one who got away. It's okay to mourn and lick your wounds, though, and it's okay whether you "get over" this person or not. Until then, accept that you had strong feelings for someone - and that's nothing to shame yourself for.
Do you think you would have gotten over him if you had no other prospects?
@@Pacifica74 Nope. Not in the slightest, and I had been around the block between 2010 and 2018.
Loved the trailer / movie analogy, Susan, is happening to me and helped me to understand better how I feel and how to get over it, sometimes we get anxious and hyped because the movie we wait for so long seems to be very far away, but it will eventually come! And even if it gets cancelled another great movie will be produced
That's a good way to view it . So bass we mourn the potential of what could be. Not what it actually was..
Beautifully stated Nicholas. And I’m so happy that you happen to open up my channel today and see the exact video that you needed to watch.
@@Muchjoy.. Exactly. We mourn getting so close to the goal that we want. The person failed us. But the dream is still alive and we simply recast with a new leading partner
Projecting ideal qualities onto them because “that’s what you want in your dream.” Wow! I never thought of it that way for some reason. That helped it truly click. I’m projecting the future partner traits I desire onto them instead of discerning if they have them or not!
👏🏻
We suffer more in imagination than in reality. - Marcus Aurelius
Now see this is EXACTLY what I needed at the right time...you have divine timing right here Susan 🙏🏽
Agreeeed ! She does
So happy to read this and I'm thrilled that we both were synced up to divine timing
Im in this exact situation. Its day one with no contact . 😞😞😩
@@trishmorris4220 yeah its like I didnt even date this girl but like I REALLY thought she was into me lmfao I was so wrong....
This just happened to me this last year
Shortly before the new year I realized I was grieving the potential of “what could have been”
What freed me was seeing I needed an upgrade and I was keeping myself stuck! The obsession stopped and I feel free
….if he pops into my head I quickly put things back into perspective visualizing an upgrade 😁
Hardly🤔 of him anymore!!
Always love your informative content 🌹
That sounds like fabulous progress! I’m so proud of you!
I wish i could do the same it’s not an obsession anymore it’s a nightmare which keeps eating me inside 😢
I met someone like 10 years ago and nothing ever happened. I also thought after that if it wasn't him it was because I deserved an upgrade. He was popping up in my dreams every so often years after and it was driving me nuts. I haven't dream about him in like a year or so and I only hope he is gone from my dreams for good.
Susan Winter has the BEST relationship advice in all of the internet. Thank you Susan.
You’re so sweet! Thank you, Ryan!
I filled so many spaces of what he was in my head. He was the dream, now he’s gone. I’m grieving that lost of the dream and with my dream, we both lost each other.
The bus analogy helped. When we think someone is the end-all-be-all, that’s what our brain says, “This is what you believe, so it must be true,” and solidifies that belief.
Happy to hear that you liked it!
I adore you Susan but i have to disagree in some points.
Sometimes we don‘t fell in love only by the dream and projection we had about a person. We also fell (deeply) in love just because this human being is how it is. It‘s the small things who make them unique and that‘s the reason why it hurts to let them (and the dream) go. I miss how he sees the world through his eyes. How he sees the nature and make pictures of it. How he laugh about insider jokes with me or how he sees my world through his eyes and understands me. How he can speak through music and he likes cat‘s as much as i do. :( Yes, there are sooo many men out there, but no one is like him (or her) . That‘s it‘s so hard, because those persons we fell in love are special and we opened up our heart because of that.
but how can one be sure that there is no one like him or her on the planet?. may be if you let go, the Universe will send you a much more better person, who is exactly on the same wave as you are...the true love is always about happiness, if we suffer, it is always an attachment in place...
the hard part is knowing how difficult it is to find someone else like that, even though we know that person exists
@@nataliatkachuk2458 I agree with that completely. I‘m dating a man who has all those qualities i‘m looking for (and even better). Letting go of something which isn‘t working is key to look and go forward with your (love)life.
I agree! I fell in love with a client who had all the qualities, mannerisms and personality I liked… The person we were around is irreplaceable. I guess idealization was at work, but still… The loss really hurt!
Our brains are so powerful at creating these types of thoughts. Sometimes I wish there was button I could push to stop my brain from all of that lol
Hello dear Do you need help in restoring your relationship and getting back with your lovers? I recommend you to a love expert who is capable of helping you fix your relationship within Few days He also assisted me out too....
Save his contact 👇 and Watsap him to know how
*十19789358886⏭⏭⏭_ ^^_**________*
Keep the Dream but you need to let go of "The One". Thinking that he or she is The only One for you puts you in a toxic loop of thoughts that prevents you from letting go. Keep the Dream but have faith that the role is more suited to another person. 💕
💯 Boundaries are so important to establish to make sure you know when you do meet that perfect cast mate!
Unfortunately the way modern society has adopted and romanticised about monogamy has helped develop 'the one' complex, and while it suits some people it has resulted in a lot of pain and suffering with infatuation and limerence.
thanks for sharing this. I just got out of a toxic relationship with a controlling partner, I realized that I was attached to the dream and the whole idea of getting married and having kids, but never saw who he really was, a jealous obsessed man that wants me to change everything in my life to please him.
@ Aries, yes this is who my husband is. And I’m constantly thinking he will one day change or be the man I thought he was according to his fake love, broken promises but in reality he is not what I truly wanted.
So glad this video popped up. 40 or some years ago I was obsessing about a person I had a short relationship with it was long distance he got married and had kids and then he got divorced recently so I contacted him on Facebook and he replied I even wanted to have a new relationship with him however he stated we were too far apart I'm still obsessing about this man so good to hear this not sure if I want a new relationship at all too hard
Have you been obsessing over this person for 40 years continuously, or have you had other relationships since him?
I love this way of looking at it. You know, it's almost like we are taking the object of our desire hostage- unknown to them, probably unwanted (to the extent that we are obsessing over them). They have no choice; we've taken them on this ride that they didn't ask for. We are imposing our dream on this other person!
Had a strong crush once and overwhelming emotions every time I was around him. I acknowledged that I had the feelings and got a unique friendship out of it with my old crush. To get over the feelings, I accepted the reality that he wasn’t the one for me. It took weeks to get over, but I learned to let him have the life he wanted. He eventually married and we parted as friends.
It’s such a challenge and painful situation to go through but it’s good that you were able to retain a friendship.
Two days ago I was thinking about how to disconnect a certain person from the "dream" that I wanted, and I even considered for writing an email to you, and then this video came !!
Thank you Susan, I love your content, it is really helpful for my process of letting go.
Isn’t it funny how things work out sometimes? Thank you for being such a sweet follower!
Thank you. I have been struggling for 30 years with obsessive thoughts.
The clarity with which you describe things is just wow!!!
Incredibly effective advice. Your videos allowed me to see the illusion that I was trapped in for months, in the matter of days.
But why is it, Susan, that most people we know (or I know) are in a relationship, but for some of us, even though we are attractive and worthy, it is so bloody hard to meet someone, let alone have a relationship? xxx
Wow. Just wow. So accurate for me 🙏🏼
Thank you Susan, this could not have come at a better time. This is the first time I have heard the movie/preview analogy and this was the real click for me. Thank you for everything you do.
Thank you for this sweet comment! I’m glad it resonated with you! Always pleased when I learn that I’ve helped someone!
Such insightful advice in this video! Love it.
Thank you so much. Really put things into perspective. ❤🙏
Love you Susan thank you so much I’m so grateful for you
Thank you Susan ! Great video, as always ! It is a painful but necessary process.
Susan you are really helpful, love your videos
spot on!!!
Thank you for this video. Its very comforting and gives hope to have relationship with a real person :)
You’re amazing Susan
They’re your trailer, not your movie! I’ll never forget that analogy! Thank you 😊
Hello dear Do you need help in restoring your relationship and getting back with your lovers? I recommend you to a love expert who is capable of helping you fix your relationship within Few days He also assisted me out too....
Save his contact 👇 and Watsap him to know how
*十19789358886⏭⏭⏭_ ^^_**________*
Thank you Thank you!! I have felt like I was absolutely losing my mind!!
So true...ur words n advise has been life changing for me. I have watched and read all of ur words and they certainly gave me the knowledge of what was happening to me n my love life. Confused for a long time ...n hurting for a long time..8 years of heartache n lies...now for the past year I can breathe...I can be happy for MY DREAM to happen with someone that truly deserves to want it live it and love it with me. Challenge is finding that special someone...Thank u again Susan ❤
.Ty
Kristin Marie, Thank you. I am grateful to read that after eight years you’ve had a breakthrough. That is a really long time to yearn for someone. But you’re not the first nor the last. Sometimes due to specific circumstances it is very hard to extract ourselves from a love that has been lost, despite our valiant efforts. Congratulations on this new attitude and perspective. Heartfelt thanks for the kind words
Just wondering about the partner you were obsessing over, were the character traits you found so attractive the same as your own, or were they traits that you wish you had?
Brilliant as always, going from shore to shore but didn' cure the sore. I have the similar issues. Thank you Susan💕
Excellent. This makes so much sense.
Glad you enjoyed it
A wonderful video, thank you so much Susan!
Glad you enjoyed it!
Love this, Susan! I tend to be one who pushes to meet/go-on-a-date with a person of interest sooner than later, and sort of "get it out of the way" to see if there's actual vibes/energy/chemistry. I find there's a bit of pressure if you prolong meeting, and one can sort of build-up this "idea", or "dream" in relation to this video, of a person, and that's not fair to them, and most importantly, not fair to you.
In this day and age, meeting someone sooner rather than later can be beneficial for a number of reasons but your point is spot on!
So awesome. Thanks!
Much love to you!
Such great timing 🙏🏻
💕
“ Preview to a coming attraction… “
Brilliant! Giddyup!
I truly adore your content and how much you put inside this so-called chaotic world. From a psychological perspective, we have to use our subconscious mind, and our psychological principle needs to change our lives or even get over somebody else. Our subconscious mind will overpower our actions and thoughts at a conscious reality. We have to remind ourselves the Hemingway's iceberg theory, and there will be the key for us to move on and change our lives.
Wishing you a lovely week, Susan! :)
Alexandra
The staple gun analogy is good it's helpful to zoom out separate the dream from the person. I don't agree that someone better will necessarily come along because of my impossible idealisation of a partner but at least I can see it's not about them personally
Hello dear Do you need help in restoring your relationship and getting back with your lovers? I recommend you to a love expert who is capable of helping you fix your relationship within Few days He also assisted me out too....
Save his contact 👇 and Watsap him to know how
*十19789358886⏭⏭⏭_ ^^_**________*
Yes you filled in the blanks in your mind.
Thank you very much Susan i just discovered your channel and your videos are helping a lot!
You’re welcome! Thank you for taking the time to send me that nice message!
Thank you for doing this video this was exactly what I needed
😊
I love you Susan! Thanks so much for the difference you are making in our lives.
You’re support means the world to me!
This clarification from you has helped me so much!
I’m so pleased to hear that, Alex!
This is Gold. Thank you, Susan!
You’re very welcome
Hi Susan. This helps so much. I think people don't talk enough about those situationships that break your soul. Like FWB deals. When someone falls in love with someone who tells you for some reason they don't like you, and you forced things, that it isn't the right timing... You get obsessed with knowing the why and you also feel like you won't even desire someone else...
It’s kinda like in tv shows where someone has a love interest that gets killed off because of things the actor did off set and then the show goes on and the love interest is replaced with another actor … either way the show must go on. Thank you 😊
Thank you, Susan. I used to use a book analogy. With that, this person was just the foreword and not the actual story.
Fantastic analogy. I like that very much
Wonderful advice. Thank you Susan!!!
You’re very welcome
Susan you are Dat Truth !!
😊😊😊😊
... You've really saved my sanity Susan.
You've freed me.
I needed this , thank you for the ebook. 🙏
You are welcome! So happy to read your commentary
Thankyou so much!
You’re welcome
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ THIS. Recasting, not rewriting!! Fantastic!!
🤗
Facts. Thanks so much
Hey Susan :) love this topic!
Happy to read this Dominic and thank you
Such a wise advice
You’re so sweet! Thank you for being a great fan!
Thank u 💋💝
I love your advice
🥰
You are right we couldn't create those obsession into our minds and heart and you are very true. I acknowledge all the works you have done and you are doing as well. I don't know maybe our brain was circuited that way that we dream about someone about future. I already learned my lesson as well Susan.
Hi there and thank you so much. I know you are a very strong supporter both here on TH-cam and on Instagram. I think you’re correct; that is how our brain works. We latch onto something or someone and consider that to be the epitome of partnership. Get when they leave, we have a hard time recalibrating
@@SusanWinter Hmmm yes and i learned my lesson so i won't be falling for something a obsession like that anymore. I'm a strong supporter of you because you are great. You are charitable to many and we are thankful for you. I don't know whether others worried for you or not but I'm worried that you are alone with your pet nikka. I always thought that you are beautiful and definitely deserved a good husband.
Thank you so much Susan that was my story for many years and. I couldn’t make sense out it , but you nailed for me today much appreciated 😘😘
I’m happy to hear that you’re no longer in that emotionally draining place!
@@SusanWinter Thank you 🙏
Amazing video, Susan. I needed this today. Thank you 🌹🌹🌹
Hello dear Do you need help in restoring your relationship and getting back with your lovers? I recommend you to a love expert who is capable of helping you fix your relationship within Few days He also assisted me out too....
Save his contact 👇 and Watsap him to know how
*十19789358886⏭⏭⏭_ ^^_**________*
Thank you for helping me to curb a suicidal heartbreak. I cannot truly express my gratitude 😘
I’m so sorry to hear that you went through so much pain! I hope everything is looking brighter for you!
The movie analogy was a perfect example!!!
Glad you thought so!
Thank you thank you thank you. I needed this TODAY. Its going to help me heal from a relationship that is stalling on the runway. I needed to hear this!!! I didnt want to let go of him aka my perfect future.
Yay! I'm so happy to read this and Mel, you are very welcome
@@SusanWinter you are amazing. I cant say that enough!
Hey Susan,
I also have been stuck for the past year, thank you thank you thank you 🙏🏽,
He was just a trailer, not the movie 🙌🏽
I am so glad to hear that I was able to help! Awesome things are just around the corner for you!
Yes, I agree. We want the dream we created. We fall for the dream. We get obsessed with the dream. In my case, I woke up when I saw with my own eyes how the special person in my dreams bad mouth me. She got me banned from a Facebook group even when she was not the admin and I did nothing but wished her many more happy years with her partner. She ruined my reputation lol I was obsessed with my dream and she was the star in my beautiful story. I made her ego be bigger than anyone can imagine. My dream fell apart after what happened. I woke up since and now I have attracted a beautiful soul mate into my life. This soulmate is my reality, not a dream. I just needed to wake up to see what was in front of me. Now I dream with my eyes open. And I am the star in this beautiful story.
They are your trailer. Not your movie.
Dear lord ..I needed to hear that. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing, Susan! The movie analogy helps a bunch. I'm still in the process of changing the casting roles because, the person I've had before wasn't the movie. Just the trailer.👑💯
I’m sure you’ll be a great casting director! Best of luck!!!
@@SusanWinter Thanks! Will do 🙂
This is usefull thanks I find myself slowly accepting reality
Hello dear Do you need help in restoring your relationship and getting back with your lovers? I recommend you to a love expert who is capable of helping you fix your relationship within Few days He also assisted me out too....
Save his contact 👇 and Watsap him to know how
*十19789358886⏭⏭⏭_ ^^_**________*
Remember my beautiful ones, your the star of your movie, not them, they are just extras. I send you love and support, you are enough 🙏🏻❤️
That’s so beautifully said!
@@SusanWinter thank you Susan, that means a lot to me, feel free to use it ❤️🙏🏻
Hello dear Do you need help in restoring your relationship and getting back with your lovers? I recommend you to a love expert who is capable of helping you fix your relationship within Few days He also assisted me out too...
Save his contact 👇 and Watsap him to know how......
*十19789358886⏭⏭⏭_ ^^_**_________*
Bless you
🙏
@@SusanWinter so grateful for you. I’ve been so obsessed and depressed. I was engaged to this guy 20 years ago, and then we got got back together for a year. He ghosted and blocked me after we had a disagreement over politics. Your insight into separating the person from the dream is so helpful.
Needed to hear this!💕
Hi Susan. Can you make a video about limerance. How a person who gets into one limerance experience to another can attain a more secure attachment with ourselves.
He’s the trailer , he’s not my movie!! I LOVE that!!! I’ve been there and the click does happen!! And you do realise that he wasn’t the one…that he wasn’t as great as you thought! He’s gone but the dream is still alive waiting to come true!! ❤️❤️❤️
Hello dear Do you need help in restoring your relationship and getting back with your lovers? I recommend you to a love expert who is capable of helping you fix your relationship within Few days He also assisted me out too....
Save his contact 👇 and Watsap him to know how
*十19789358886⏭⏭⏭_ ^^_**________*
I cannot do that person fit like a perfect puzzle piece to me. Nobody else came close! And I dont want anyone else! They had ALL and EVERYTHING on my checklist and SOME!!! Everything they KNEW my every desire and needs and filled every little detail without me having to teach them or tell them.
It just came naturally to him and he liked to be that way he enjoyed it.
Yes this is exactly my case
😞
Is anyone having success in romance these days? My Mom is a pianist and organist, and she’s not played a wedding in many years at church. Sad. We just all have to keep watching videos to try to assuage broken heart after broken heart.
It's also called unrequited love.💔
She's right, you know
I hope to see a new video on older women younger men. They are my favorite and it has been some time since the last video on this topic :)
Mark, you are correct. Considering that was my entry into this field I haven't had a lot of commentary on that lately so I will take your suggestion to heart. Any specific conversation?
@@SusanWinter That is a great question. You have covered a lot of great areas of this topic which I listen to repeatedly. I really do not know but crave more of this topic as it is something that I have been after since you and I had our session a couple of years ago.
Hi Susan
My motto now is WWSWD - What would Susan Winter do?
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My ex broke up with me by changing his number and I still love him 4 years later. I’m obviously obsessed and addicted to him but am not stupid so I have blocked him every time he’s tried to get in touch. 2 years ago he stopped trying. I cannot understand why my love is stronger than ever, he had great points that I loved but was so, so unkind and the opposite of what I want to be around. It is exhausting. I am not even interested in other men. They don’t light me up like he did. Life is a bizarre quagmire of pain. I’m 39 and here for my children but fk me I’m ready for this to be over.
Most problems can be talked through if people are open to communicating with the other person.and both really want to improve the situation.
Cannot get over someone I had to walk away from due to personal commitments. It has destroyed me for 20 years of grief to the point I scare my therapist re my safety.
it really sucks when it's someone you work with. can never get away it seems.
so true
so true...Ladies...we need an extra video on that i guess...
That is a difficult situations. Can you ask for a transfer?
@@SusanWinter no I can't, unless I get a job at a different location. Doesn't help that others point out the things she does. I've asked some to stop and they have. Such a mental war. Thanks for asking.
Can you do a video about being in love with the idea of a person?
Mam I love you
My 20year husband one day pack the bag and moved out to be with other woman. Completely shocked. No explain nothing. 1month was horrible. Trying to follow my buddah. We went through so much hard time to build up our life. Now we have got pretty much everything. He signed up great job he has been wanting. We both happy then right after sign on the new job, he left. I feel like I build up and gave all to this new young lady... so hopeless and despondent.. really heartbroken. After sudden walked away, he came and said we are finished..then hurried to leave again. I am left crying....
Sometimes it's really very hard to forgot an individual who are our soulmates maybe or partners or good friends. You are right definitely with our partners we imagined a future and when we come to know it is not going to happen it's a heartbreak. I imagined a future with a girl for many many years and I don't know whether those dreams will come true or not. If it doesn't happen then i have to be strong and move on.
Believe in your vision and trust that it would not be given to you if it were not to be fulfilled
@@SusanWinter hmmm thanks ☺️👍 susan.
Is this someone you've asked out before?
@@blueseptember2174 no but I dreamed.
@@antoerickson4152 why not?
I have not read your book yet, but I will. Question: Is this related to 'Limerence' ? I just ended an emotional relationship, very long distance so we never really got together (just a very large number of e-mail texting), and I am wondering if I was mostly addicted to all those wonderful chemicals running through my body when 'I was in love'. Those chemicals made me feel 40 years younger and had an incredible effect on my physical body [weight loss, energy, physical strength]. Is your concept related to 'Limerence' or how does it differ?