How To Deal With an Estranged Adult Child (Practical Advice that Actually Helps!)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ก.ย. 2024
- If you have an estranged child, you may be experiencing sadness, anxiety or other negative feelings. I hope that my message today brings you some hope and comfort.
So many women in our community and around the world are dealing with the sad reality of having estranged children. Perhaps there is just a distance and lack of communication or something more dramatic and sad.
If you are one of the women who are going through this experience hopefully this video will give you some guidance, kindness, and understand. There is no judgment here. We are here for each other. You are not alone.
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Are you dealing with an estranged child? What positive steps have helped you through this difficult time? Let's have a conversation!
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One of the most difficult parts is the shame. Waiting for ppl to ask about your family, Xmas is the worst. I feel like I have to hide, as if spending Xmas alone is shameful somehow. I feel if I tell the truth there’ll be judgment…..that I must’ve been a terrible mother. This is a life sentence, and I really don’t know what crime I’ve committed. Mistakes, certainly, but no crime.
So true. It is horrible.
I just give vague answers. Im waiting for the day their children realize how imperfect THEY'VE been. Our children have taught THEIRS a very negative way to treat their parents. And they think they won't feel that "sting". HA. Their actions will come home to roost. My 8 yr old grand daughter is all ready screaming at her mother the way her mother screams at me. And my daughter still claims her kids "won't act like that" to her. 🤦♀️
I have become numb and indifferent to this all. As sad as it is to say, I truly and honestly don't care to see or talk to any of them. But feeling that way has also released me from the sadness.
My daughter cut me out of her life when I finally stop being her private ATM. It was 5 yrs and I contacted her again and all she had to say was give me $800. Now after a total of 16 yrs i approached her again by saying I’m sorry things have been tense between us, that I love her and miss her. She messaged me back and said, “Well Send Me Some Money Then”. End of message.
I know I was a good mom. I’m took her on trips, volunteered in her class, her Girl Scout troop, made her homemade Halloween costumes, took her trick or treating, to church, to swimming at mountain park, to playground, always cooked homemade meals, always involved in her homework.
But when her dad and i divorced our relationship started going downhill. I never bad mouthed her dad in fact I purchased nice Christmas gifts for her to give him from her for Christmas. But I know longer had an income that could supply her with vacations etc but I still spent time with her. His family stepped in a started buying her any and everything she wanted. She then moved in with him because he kept the house cause I couldn’t afford it.
One day she said I want to move back home with dad, I want my bedroom back. I let her do it. Once she moved back in our family home with dad she slowly stopped wanting to see me. She would say I don’t want to come over because you mom don’t have a stereo, a tv or nice furniture. Anything to not visit. That was the start of the end. Then my in laws told me I would not see her because I could not afford to support her they way they could make sure dad supported her.
When she turned 16 she finally called me back. It was can we go shopping etc or will you give me money. Of course I took her shopping for clothes and make up because I wanted to buy things and spend time with her.
I paid monthly child support to dad and I paid it without ever missing a payment. I was not forced to pay, I paid it because she was my child, half my responsibility too.
I purchased her first used car, then another car. But still I did not get to see her very often.
After that it was how much money will you give me when I saw her. I tried but it was about the money. She got very mad in later years when I told her that I do not have a salary that can give her $ everytime she ask.
She’s now 46 yrs old and I have not seen her in about 16 yrs. She is now twice divorced with 3 kids but she will not let me see my grandchildren.
She did allow me to drop off Christmas presents, Birthday presents for the kids at her dads. Years later I found out by her second ex-husband that she took my name off and put her name on the gifts. He said she told the kids that grandma has not ever purchased you the kids any gifts.
@@ChrisWootenNorthCarolina dear Chris... i have an estranged relationship with my son and daughter-in-law. sometimes i think estranged children make you a convenient pocket parent. they may want money, then they put you back in their pocket after they get what they want. they may contact you and be so charming and say they will call soon. and they don't. back in the pocket they put you. meantime, you get your hopes up. i have tried with my son from age sixteen until age 37. i am 67. sometimes his getting my hopes up, only to be let down again is so painful. i have a councellor and i am reading 2 good books. done with the crying, and after done with the crying. i sent him s nice xmas card and nothing. i was one time pushed out physically by mt dil. i was sick in the bed a week, i was so upset. i kept thinking she would say she was sorry, but she never did. they have the rest of their lives. i have not as many years at age 66.i am sick and tired of manipulation. i am done setting my expectations so high. i am sick of being held as a hostage...for 27 years. i pray for them, but realize i need to concentrate on my husband i. don't let that little monkey use you like a bank...many kids today feel so entitled. they make me sick.
@@stephaniedegange2737 thank you. I don’t give money anymore. I’m retired now so I can’t afford to be her ATM. It hurts but I’m trying to live life without her and my grandkids. The kids don’t want to see me because they were told I never came around for birthdays Or Christmas because I did not care. That’s a lie but I learned that it does not go over too great to try to prove this. By proving it, you are telling the kids that mom lied to them. That’s not good nor believed. Of course I don’t believe in bashing a parent to the children. So I suffer in silence but I have more better days now. I’ve learned to go on without them even though it hurts. I try to fill my life with gardening or being out doors in nature. That seems to calm me. Nothing can take the pain away but I e learned to live with it and live the best I can. I cry less now than the first 5 yrs. I still have days when I see families in a restaurant together, Christmas is another hard time of the year too. Im coping and doing pretty good. We can’t lay down and die, we have to go on without them.
It’s been 4 years since my daughter has talked to me. I sent her a card letting her know I love her. That was last summer. No response. I love her and I pray for her and my grandchildren… Most of the time I’m ok, but there are days I cry and cry. Thank you for this
Big hugs to you. I'm going through the same thing, I haven't seen my daughter and grandkids for 2 years. I try to refuse to cry most days, but your right sometimes it just hits you out of nowhere 😢
I feel bad for you. My daughter is borderline personality. She doesn't let me see Her or my grandchildren. I got to go see her 2 years ago. She seemed jealous that the kids were showing me love. She lives out of State. When I had to go home ( after 3 days) I called to speak to the kids. She wouldn't let me talk to them, she still hasn't. I used to cry all the time, then I stopped. I have to work and make a living so I don't let myself dwell on it.
When I send the kids things, she doesn't let them thank me and she usually doesn't even acknowledge that they received them.
I understand, I am actually going to visit my estranged daughter this weekend, and I am terrified. I haven’t been allowed to visit since April of 2022.
borderline personality is inherited, they have at least one patent who is.
@@stephaay8437 Not necessarily. I'm bipolar (M38) but only my aunts are, not my parents. It's more about chances and potential. Still it can make a mess, create stress, resentment and make communication and understanding much more difficult. Many of us harbor resentment towards parents who didn't take our mental health seriously and get us treatment, got bad treatment (usually religious as they more often make things MUCH worse, especially for LGBTQ), or as a result of just not knowing what to do and screwing the pooch in one way or another. The latter happens because of a lack of societal education and understanding of mental health issues, so that is more an issue of the times in which one is raised and of course that should be taken into account. That can actually be communicated to one's adult child as a way to step into the greater conversation on the subject. Just that bit of humility can do WONDERS.
In the end, taking accountability and not being defensive when difficult topics are broached makes ALL the difference. Then again it makes all the difference in any deep and difficult conversations...
I think there is a time that you just have to let it go, and accept the fact that things are the way they are. There are a lot of terrible mothers who have devoted children. Then there are those mothers whose children want nothing to do with them, even though they have been the most loving and nurturing mothers. Sometimes, they will come back to you, and other times not. With regards to the grandchildren, they will be adults one day, and their parents will not have the same control over them. There is no shame in not having your adult child not wanting to be in your life. My friend's daughter has cut ties with her, and she just tells the truth if people ask where she is. You can't make someone be who you want, and you can't make someone want to love you, or be in your life. Love the people that love you.
This sums it all up very well... 6 mos worth of therapy.... thank you ..
As i said before, youve said here what it takes a therapist years to say! I hope youre helping others with your wisdom and insight. I DO feel ashamed my children dont care about us and dont bring it up.
If they do, i struggle w an answer...
You nailed it. I say to myself, "I lived quite happily and independently before I had my snooty daughter. I can do the same again". And I am doing it. It is her loss. Not mine."
Love the people who love you!
I cant get over it.... theyll have to live with it later... too late once coffin closes.
The most tragic thing is the lost time. All the days and years that could have been filled making new and happy memories are destroyed and nothing will bring them back. The opportunities to heal wounds, to understand each other and discover,perhaps, truths that aggravated the adult child´s childhood yet they are unaware of. Those opportunities for clarity and explaination are gone forever for the parent has been thrown away and has no chance to reveal aggravating factors that were at play at the time and the adult child is unaware of. And, even sadder, is I don´t think they will every realize it until the parent is long gone. The heart wrenching pain they will never know unless it happens to them. And the funny thing is, no mother every wants her child to go through what has been done to her.
It is good to know I’m not alone. Although I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. Thank you so much for this video. After 11 years apart this time and 7 years prior I’ve moved on. Always part of my heart even though she wishes to not be a part of my life. Hugs to all the other moms like me.
Yes it's sad that my daughter has no space in her life for me, no place in her happiness, her successes, her triumphs...I am tired of trying, stepping on eggshells, blaming myself.. I wish her all the happiness in the world and hope she can find peace in herself... And I will sacrifice my own needs and happiness, any rights and relations so she can find her peace.
@@bxxmb80 ,Terry, Sheila and all the moms with estranged adult children, it is extremely hard to move on in our own lives to find happiness , however I'm finding a little solace in knowing that there are so many loving and kind moms & dads out there . God give us strength to move on & to give to other kind human beings and animals who will return our love. Bless you all and thanks to Margaret who shares so much ❤
❤
no, she doesn't wish to be a part of your life, or you'd jump at the chance to mistreat her again. nice try, haha. you refuse to change yourself into a morally upright, kind, supportive person because you are envious. you refuse to apologize and make it up to your victims. and then come here to blubber. lol. have fun never seeing your grandchildren again. :)
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 if you have nothing kind or supportive to contribute here, then say nothing at all - wise words many years ago from my own mother... you never know what lies around the next corner of your own life. Those people commenting here are hurting...BE KIND!
Best video Ive seen on estrangement. The heartbreak of being cast away from a child you adore is endless. I need support for this awful situation and don’t know where to find it. This situation is the most embarrassing and shameful of my life. I was a loving good Mom. The good Ive been and done has been recast as evil. The pain at times is unbearable.
I know. This is very painful.
I understand.
Get Josh Coleman's book or Tina Gilbertson's book if you want to learn more and work towards reconciliation if possible.
I'm sorry you are experiencing and struggling with your situation. There IS support available; please check online and on TH-cam. Therapy can help too. I wonder about your shame, though. Not because I think you've done anything to deserve the estrangement. I struggled with shame most of my life but I conquered it. Also, there was a time when I believed my adult daughter was not valuing a relationship with me and I was angry about it. I know I was a great mother/parent; I literally went above and beyond for her childhood because the challenging circumstances demanded it of me and I overcame them for her sake. She was becoming estranged because of woke ideology influences and I realized that if she could consider devaluing me like that so easily, then I did not want a relationship with her. I stopped calling and would take days to respond to texts or return her calls and I behaved very uninterested in her and her life. She snapped out of her estrangement behaviors pretty darned quick (over a one-year period), let me tell you. I realize it could have gone the other way but I don't care. I will never tolerate her (or anyone else) treating me disrespectfully. Estrangement is disrespect at such a deep, core level. Get angry about it for your sake! Also, I have a very strong faith in God and I believe that all wrongs will eventually be made right; my role in that is to always remain honorable in my relationships with people to the best of my abilities and to let things play out in ways that show me other people's character. And then take it from there. I hope you find peace in your situation I truly want that for you.
You’re not alone.
It's good to know I'm not alone
Thank you for this. I have an estranged son and I am so glad to know I’m not alone.
Me too! Your not alone.
Yes you are not alone. They are missing g out of so much they do not know. It all stops when they stop it. So sad.
@@sophial.2438 lol Don't you think I've been doing that. Nothing gets resolved by pointing fingers. If you can't be constructive don't give advise.
@@lisac8509
Nothing gets resolved anymore either if the damage you did is too great to bridge!
Harsh life lessons!!
Plus Karma waiting in the wings.
Any harm or pain you caused another, especially your own child, will be coming back to you in this life or the next!
@@sophial.2438 oh okay! No healing going on at earth anymore.
I bear no malice or resentment. It's just that I am too old to live with covert narcissism, lies, manipulation, and abuse. What years are left belong to me, and the day I made that decision was one of the best of my life. It was like a huge load was lifted from me. I am free to use my voice and be my authentic self. I wish I had done it years ago. It has been my experience that by 'Mom bashing', kids absolve themselves of responsibility for their own actions. Turn the page. You don't deserve that abuse.
💯 agree!! 😊
Yes agree you have your happiness and life to live live it!..get on with living!
Wendy.... exactly where i am
Too much empathy as a mom. Like I wasn't good enough. I just can't. Windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror, I'm told. I'm glad she didn't have grandchildren. I wanted some but glad now she doesn't have any now. Her choice. 😢❤😊 Accept is the only way.
Thank you.
It's incredibly painful, profoundly gutting, to miss your adult child so much. Like many of you, I know I've tried everything to "fix" this. Honestly, I don't even know what's broken -- other than me right now. Hugs to all of you feeling the same.
I feel exactly that way.
I have four daughters and the youngest (2nd marriage)
My little angel knows I love her. But she only contacts me close to her birthday and Christmas
My other three are very close.
But I still miss my youngest.
And I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what happened.
Man do I feel that. So many of us out there makes me so sad💔. It's been almost two years and there are still days........😪
@@sugarskull2206 I understand that feeling. We never fought, she was lovely but I was the strict parent. She moved to Colorado. She seems to be doing great!!
I just don't know where to put all this unrequited love.
What have you tried?
Stop trying! You were a person BEFORE you had them and had purpose in God!! Give it all to Him and go find joy elsewhere.
If they don't come back during a pandemic and family deaths - they're not coming back. Hopefully my grandchildren will come looking for me someday - and I'll be here for them.
I have the same hope. Maybe write to them in a journal. This is something I am starting to do with the grandchildren I will never meet.
@@thehappywanderer6469 I know how you feel. I can't believe it happened to me either. Maybe leave the things you want your granddaughter to have in your Will. That way she will get them someday. Mostly they don't want our stuff.
Same for me!!! Same exact situaion!♥️
I pray for my grown children everyday .
It's been so hard not be able to know how to know how their doing or if their safe.
My prayer are with everyone here.
God please help us
We need your super natural help for ourselves & our children.
Please give us love strength and peace.💓
🙏🏽Amen
@@irismcq.3776 Happy Birthday to you! I hope you are celebrating and treating yourself very nicely!
Every child is born with a desperate need for their parents to love them.
I was abused by my parents as a child, and then gaslighted by my abusers, as if the abuse didn't happen. I tried desperately for the next 30 years to win their authentic love that would never come. In doing so, I abandoned myself. In adulthood, that self-denial (which was necessitated by my abuser's gaslighting) became too toxic for me to continue living in that state. My abusive parents - who were still lying about the abuse - had made it a binary choice: i had to end the abusive relationship with them or perish. I spent 2 years working with therapists to prepare to go no contact in a way that respected both my parents and myself. When i went no contact, i told them it was so i could heal. They said sorry but it was clear they had no intention of changing their abusive behavior. I tried reaching out from time to time but they were still abusive. Its been 4 years since our last conversation and Ive been able to heal my heart because of that time apart. I don't expect to speak to them ever again and I am at peace with that. Why don't I miss them? Because I never actually had parents, I had abusers. No one misses abusers.
If you abused your child, please do the self work to heal your own internal emotional wounds. It is difficult, but possible. Only then will you be able to interact with your child in a healthy way. And all children want desperately to be loved by their parents. Showing them that this is important to you as well, even late in the game, will make a massive difference.
Good luck to you.
sadly, the abusive parents on this channel won't read your comment because it undermines their narrative. ❤
I had to learn this truth in my heart.
Now learning to walk this out in my life....
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." -Mark Twain
that's literally what decent parents should do. failing to do this is failing as a parent
People tend to judge the parent : "there must have been SOMETHING you did....." even if they don't say it. (Which is why a lot of us don't share our pain about missing our child to other people } You know, sometimes it's really not you.............That's the hard part. We deserve to be happy and let go and not blame ourselves for our children's decisions. It does not necessarily mean we were failures of some kind.
I was a mother for a season.
@@barbarabuttler7647then came the ice age
There is a time to straiight up realize that you don't need to be badly treated, and enough is enough.
Yea, my day came. Done. You wanr your parents, it all on you and dont come running after the hearse
Yep. I got there. Im w awesome husband and dog who LOVE me!!!!
Yep, that's why most adult children go no contact with their parents. They straight up realize what they went through and are still going through as adults via parents, was/is abuse, neglect and bullying and don't need to be treated badly and enough is enough.
@@mixedlagmost?
@@chriscampbell9207 A dog will love anyone who feeds it.
Thank you Sandra. I live daily with abandonment.
I'm having the same situation. My heart goes out to all of you, because I know how I feel. I don't wish this hurt on anybody.
I put up with 20 years of my daughter using me, lying manipulation, disrespect and downright abuse. This last weekend I had had enough. I flew to Denver for my grandson's third birthday and my daughter decided to make it a dramatic event. She began her abuse. I said nothing. I asked if I should leave. She then blew up and very quietly. I took my things, got an Uber and flew home. I told you I never want to see or talk to her again and I mean it. I gave it all I had and there is nothing left. I actually feel quite relieved and ready to continue my life with my other children. I told my other children there's no need for their relationship to change or alter in any way because I am no longer connected to this specific daughter. I mean that with love .
I'm an estranged daughter. I finally cut ties because she took over my wedding, was racist, wanted to be part of everything i was involved in screamed at me when i waved my own bank account in my 20s (didn't get one until my fiance in my 30s said "her behavior isn't normal.") She used physical punishment against me until i was 20. I explained in an email the issues and my mom said "none of this happened".
If you're an estranged parent, you cannot dismiss the issues your children bring up. You may not remember any of it, but this is the stuff that sucks with us. We remember. I will never forget when my mom told me to "just smile" in response to telling her i felt like harming myself.
Listen to your children everyone. Do not discount what they say. Just because it's not a big deal to you doesn't mean that your words don't affect us. If one of your friends told you "you've hurt me", would you tell your friend "too bad, i didn't think it was a big deal. You need to buck up." I don't anyone would say those things.
I am so very sorry for you both. She doesn’t see it from your perspective and your pain is doing the same to you. You do not deserve this and I wish my daughter could articulate her pain so I could attempt to understand. The wall of silence is not healthy for anyone. Regrets will overwhelm one day💔💔💔
She might be way smarter and wiser than you are
so few of the abusive parents on this channel will read your comment, because it thwarts their own narrative. I hear you, I see you. ❤
I’m the one as a parent trying to get my daughter to tell me why she is estranged. I’ve acknowledged her feelings but she hasn’t expressed why until I insisted but all she said was I didn’t tell her about her real father in the right way. My husband at the time adopted her at 4 years old. I suppose she did not remember it. Basically she’s holding a grudge, she also lives with debilitating bipolar with mostly manic episodes. She has had to be in a mental hospital and I feel so sad for her and her struggles and want to be there for her.
It's been 5 years since my only child went NC. So far I've missed her wedding and birth of her first child. It didn't feel good to see social media pics of her dad and former side piece/now wife holding the infant. I was given up at birth before spending early years in foster care. I've sent gifts, baby things, and cash with no response. I've read in different sources that I'm supposed to write a letter of atonement after therapy. I've been in therapy since I was a teen, so maybe one day I'll work on an atonement letter explaining how having an inconsistent caregiver as a baby resulted in an insecure attachment style. The takeaway, of course, is that she didn't ask to be born.
I guess her silence speaks for itself. I've isolated myself, working from home and having 0 friends. If she sees this, just know that in your absence I'm making these years awful. Thanks
Not saying sorry, not waiting/wanting them to come back, not bitter, not angry, no longer sad. 15 years is long enough to be ignored. My life is now very different & I am truly at peace.
Like me. Knowing New Age doctrine memed dumping people instead of always respecting the woman who birthed you. My door is open. It is not up to me. Did that in the past. Yes days of unbearable sadness i have the tools for to manage. Life is often suffering. Gratitude meme. Let us try Truths and realiry.
Bless your sweet heart..... you just ask the Lord to give you HIS JOY every day... these kids are just people and some people are nice and some arent....
You go! Take back your life! I did and feel great!!!!
Sooooo prpud of you!!!!
Got same. Done w the crying.
My parents were far from perfect, but I can't imagine ever cutting them out of my life. I am an imperfect parent myself. Compassion and forgiveness grows for my parents everytime I make mistakes with my boys.
The hurt never goes away. No matter how many years. I have learned to accept it because thats the only choice.
First shock, then disbelief, then panic, then horror and deep sadness, then anger along with deep sadness. After that, you pick it up with some resolve. Grief is important, don't deny it. Do fill your life with other people.
Angela I totally agree. I have just started doing that and feel a sense of freedom. This is not our fault.
This is a great description.
I also felt embarrassed and guilty mixed in. I now am at peace but it has taken a long time and lots of tears. I feel God has her now and I can get on with my life.
Filling my life with other people is hard cause my daughter and grandkids were my life. I’m chronic illness and this has made me sicker
@@cathyakins4585 That is a heavy burden on you and your daughter. I understand too. I've had several health issues and even during chemo my adult children could not cope with me being ill. My friends helped me through that. Guess this was my wake up call to seek out my own life outside my children and their families. Reach out to friends, you may be surprised
My suggestion is to put your adult estranged child into God's hands - pray for them and your situation - he is the best equipped to deal with it.
Leave it in his hands and walk in peace 🙏❤️✝️
Amen
Yes......🙏♥️
Maybe their life is much better without you in it? She doesn't need yr prayer, she needs yr respect for her choices
Do you really think that you're being helpful? Or do you enjoy inflicting greater pain on those who are already in pain? I'm genuinely curious as to what makes people like you tick.
Thankyou x
It has been years since my children have spoken to me and I am thankfully through the worst of my grief. I am on the other side now and working my way toward healing. They may never have contact with me again, I don’t know. But, I can now live with that possible reality, because I have to. Just being able to know that ‘I can live with that’ reality is a massive step forward for me. I can live and I will live and I will be happy… no matter what!
This is exactly my situation with my son and my grandchildren. I shed many tears and heartache but I try now to remind myself it is not my fault and not for lack of trying.
@@carlosmorrison5590 I wish that was all we had to do. I did that yet still am estranged from my son. In fact I loved and supported him through his various adventures and schemes. Yet he still turned his back on me.
Hi dear
@@lucyterrier7905 do you truly think all of these people here as well as myself do not/have not self reflected?? Come on…you know better. You are here to stir the pot and make others feel bad. What is your case? You were not a good mother? I know I was and still am. He is not my only child. What is your mission here?
Have you tried talking to a therapist?
@@lucyterrier7905 Go away.
I, too, have said I'm sorry countless times. To persist is to live in a guilt-ridden state, and to be "begging" your adult child to accept your apology and "take you back" so to speak. It's humiliating, and I no longer feel is appropriate. There is shared responsibility for the causes of the estrangement. I ache to talk to him again; he has some wonderful qualities that I don't get to enjoy. But I'm done groveling.
Dont waste another day!! Begging ANYONE to love me--- aint happening here. I DESERVE love and respect and many others give me it and im so done w it
I dont beg or chase ANYONE kid or not
Do you know why you are sorry? Do you know what you did to screw up? Have you asked?
Adult children would never give up a primal relationship unless it was a last resort. As someone who dealt with a difficult parent, I can guarantee you they do not feel like you are listening to them so they give up talking to you and trying to explain.
@@TiffTheTyrantexactly I don't know why these parents decide to be blind willingly
relationships are like checking accounts... When 1 person keeps depositing and the other keeps withdrawing, there comes a time when you get tired of doing all the work. Sometimes it's healthy to just step away because you are tired of doing all the work.
I'm a PhD, Clinical Psychologist - truer words were never spoken.
@@RV-there-Yet I agree. But, I only ask for at least a text once a year. We care about them no matter how old they are. I see and hear from his friends more than I do from my son! Mother's usually (as intended anyways) have such a strong bond with those they gave birth to. Getting over being abandoned as a parent, as a person, as another human is really emotionally hard!
@@willworkforyarn4893 I couldn't agree more ~ it's gut wrenching at times. I read back over my comment from 4 months ago, & clearly I was in a strong, logical frame of mind- which is great. But I'm not always there, certainly not there today, as it's been almost 2 yrs now since any contact from my youngest son. It hurts SO MUCH, & I don't ever want to minimize the pain our mother's hearts endure. In fact, I'm rather angry that he sees fit to let me stew & wonder if all is well with his world~ but mostly I can't stop crying because my heart is broken all over again, which seems to be the cycle of it all. I'll be praying for you, for your son to reach out & spare you the wondering. I'm truly sad you're feeling what I am. Sending love & hugs from AZ~ Samantha
That's exactly where I'm at with my daughter. I told her that I'm keeping the same phone number and I'm going to be there for her if she needs my help, but otherwise I give up walking on eggshells, trying to push the river
I agree. Whenever you send a gift or a card, there's always that faint hope that your adult child will confirm or send a thank you text. Then when your child doesn't acknowledge your gift--you feel miserable all over again. For me--self care is no contact. When my grandaughter grows up if she wants to contact me her presents will be here for her in the form of money. That's all I can do. Sometimes, for your well being--you have to let go. And letting go isn't something that happens overnight; it's a gradual and very painful process. I plan on living the few remaining years living my life and not pining over adult children who are abusive.
I stopped contacting my mother when I finally accepted that my child (her grandchild) meant nothing to her. Forgotten birthdays, told to never share photos of my daughter for fear my infertile sibling will see them, years of badmouthing my deceased father, countless refusals to drive 30 minutes to see her grandchild, not asking how her grandchild is after she got Covid, refusals to ever help in any way and opting to go on a weekend away instead of helping when my wife was on crutches with a newborn. All I can do is be the best parent I can be and promise myself that I will not end up like her and be an attentive decent and supportive grandfather.
That’s sad that your mother did that to you. I am sorry,
This had to be a very difficult situation for your wife. I'm a mother of two adult children who don't speak to me. I'd never neglect a situation where I was needed. I'm so sorry
Oh how I wish that you lived near me! I would envelope your children in a coat of love! I retired and moved to be close to my daughter after she had a baby. She stopped talking to me after a couple of years of gaslighting me. Her son is turning 5 this week; haven’t seen him in 2 years. 😢
I am so very sorry! Have you asked her why??
I wish that you had tried forgiveness instead. So, when a parent falls outside your parameters of goodness and appropriateness you decide it is best for you to disown them?
It appears that you think your mother is being selfish/uncaring and so your response is to become selfish/uncaring in return. Very sad.
I'm 51 and neither of my parents were ever perfect. I know that none of their parents (my grandparents) were perfect. I know that I was not a perfect parent, and I know that my daughter and her husband are not perfect parents. I hope that one day you might find forgiveness in your heart for your mother and all of her faults.
My 55uear old daughter hasnt spoken to me for 15 years....but before that she called me one Father's Day and said, "Mom, I want to thank you for being both Mother and Father to all of us kids." As a single parent to 4 kids that is what I carry with me.... I know that is in her heart.
Shes got issues inside not related to you.. her thank you said how much she does love you. Pray for her as i think shes fighting her own demons
Please put her on any prayer chains you can as i know shes in pain. Billy Graham a worldwide prayer chain. God bless and heal her and you, dear mom. You can pray for me, too....
That is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard said to a single mom by her child.
@@tamararutland-mills9530 yes... and thats a kind soul and WILL be reunited...
Yes it is.
This video was helpful. In the past couple of years I have become aware that I am not alone. Thank you, Margaret.
Ha!! Ive heard this generatiom doesmt care and cam walk away... good bye brats
Thank you. My heart is broken. Your compassion and understanding towards the constant regrets and shame for disappointing them…broke me. I go to such dark places of not wanting to live and hold onto the love of my husband and other children. Plus, because I love my estranged son so much I would never want to burden his life with guilt of me hurting myself. I read a book that says you can’t give your estranged child the right to ruin your life. I say that to myself, but it doesn’t always work. Like I said, my heart is broken. I walk through life oftentimes with a smile, but the pain and emptiness is always there.
You will get better when you have had enough. You are putting the attention on him. Time to put the attention back on yourself. You will feel better as you go. Good luck, and love.
I am beyond sad, beyond angry. She cut me off, without explanation. I can't even ask. She told her stepfather that I crossed boundaries. She moved, she blocked me on all avenues, she loves him and not me. I begged, I cried, I apologized for what I don't even know.... As of now I am living with my furgirls in my car and if she knows she doesn't care. I am 64 years old, I pray each night that God lets her live long enough to find Him again even if it's too late for me. My only hope is to see her in heaven.
Being estranged from some of your family is not always a bad thing.
That's true, but when the estrangement concerns your own child - someone you created or raised their entire life and feel you did your best for and don't really understand why this has happened - the pain is intense and, for me anyway, just does not go away.
Well, I had an excellent therapist in my 20s who taught me to control my relationships. Going to a family party, always have an exit plan - you have another obligation. Even if you only stayed for 20 mins, you showed. If a family member was inappropriate on the phone, then there was someone at the door, and you had to go. Never get into a car with them. Always drive yourself so you can leave. Only children throw away relationships. Adults learn to navigate and control them. That way, should something change, you had an opportunity to be involved, and you still had access to information that you might need.
@@Sally-ih6ls it's terrible. Makes you feel like a real loser as a person.
It can actually be a big relief.
yes, sometimes it's necessary, but still terribly painful. especially with alcoholism and narcissism..
Crazy…..my parents are both in heaven, I can’t imagine doing this to them. No way. I just can’t imagine.
Same. To me, these are children who have no capacity for forgiveness and no ability to see all of the good their parent did for them and all the sacrifices that were made for them.
I would encourage you to watch some videos explaining narcissistic behavior and the ongoing damage it can cause.
Being a parent is not some magical transformation for a person. Many parents bring their damage into the relationship and the child becomes another generation of damage. Sometimes the only way to not pass on that damage is to make a clean break.
I am happy for you that you had good parents. But I encourage you to even attempt to imagine how bad it would have to be for you to break it off and understand that yes, that is some people's parents.
@@AllisonSmith73 I forgave my mother over and over. She'd lash out, I'd withdraw, she'd reach out and I'd forgive and reconnect. We went through this cycle several times until I hit my 30's and just didn't want to live in fear and shame and anxiety anymore. I grow healthier and happier every year I have this peace. I can understand how and why she is, I can even forgive her in my heart... But it doesn't mean I stick around to keep experiencing it.
@@TC-8789 What is "good parents"? My parents were two regular people with problems who did their best. Their parents were two regular people with problems who did their best. My parents both came from completely "dysfunctional" families but they both made it out alive and they both introduced their children to their parents who did the best they could and who were now grandparents.
My parents suffered under their parents but they each survived their childhood and still had love and respect for their parents. Only in recent times have parents become viciously demonized while the state takes more control from parents over their own children. Children are more spoiled than ever now and they have zero respect for parents. I have no idea how old you are but if you look at the television programming from the 70s and 80s and contrast it with the television programming from the 90s and early 2000s you will see HUGE differences in the way parents and children are portrayed. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have had a television in my home while I had children.
If television isn't enough, even the schools make it very clear to children in the classroom that parents are just a joke. No one would claim that teachers, in general, encourage children to respect their parents. This didn't just start.
Your mother would lash out... What did she do when she would lash out? What did lashing out look like to an outside observer? What precipitated the lashing out?
You didn't want to live in fear... Fear of what?
You didn't want to live in shame... Why had you felt shame?
You didn't want to live with anxiety anymore... Is all of your anxiety gone now? What about your mother caused you anxiety?
You grow healthier and happier every year you have the peace of being away from your mother. People in the comments keep saying that it's harder for the one who cuts contact than it is for the one who is cut off. Are they liars? Maybe they mean it's harder for the child to choose no contact with the parent (because they lose all of the benefits of having that parent). Children who cut off their parents are murdering them in their own hearts and many of the parents literally now have heart problems from the stress of being ignored by their child/children. I don't dare have my heart checked out.
I haven't seen or had a relationship with my adult children in 13 years and I was hundreds of miles away, with no way to phone them (even though I had sent them phones that they never received) when they decided they were finished with me (as teenagers). The only thing I know is that they were told that I stole a check for 5k. It never happened. It's someone else's word against mine. Who knows what else my children were told when I couldn't defend myself?
One day, you may see where all of this that is happening takes the next generations in human history. Have you ever heard of divide and conquer? It applies to families too and it is almost complete. When families are weak, the government becomes much more powerful and tyrannical.
It’s very humbling to have this type of estrangement. What puts salt on the wound is the judgement out there which is quite harsh. It does make you feel alone in this. It’s difficult for us moms to have an identity beyond our children. You think back on how you worked so hard to raise them . Our lives revolved around them. In the end they’re individuals and so are we. I struggle to reinvent my life without my child. Of course I haven’t given up hope but my grandchildren are getting older. I’ve missed so much. I’m determined to thrive in spite of it and not let it take away from my relationship with my other 3 children who are still in my life.
My daughter has been estranged for 9 years. I never thought other women had this problem, until I watched this youtube clip. She was born on Christmas day and this past Christmas was the first time she responded to me wishing her. Then she just cut ties again 🥵😥 the next day. I have been praying for years for reconcilliation and have now made peace that she has her own will. I can only wait and pray but must keep going on with my life. 😢😭🏥
I am so glad I found this channel. I raised 2 stepchildren who I loved very much. I sacrificed having my own because I feared they would be even more jealous. When they got married they totally focussed on their new family. The father, my husband was very hurt by the way they treated me.
Ignoring and disrespect. Today we are estranged more and more, some 6 years. The pain all these 35 years was unbearable. I removed myself by reinventing myself in a new profession late in life, which is very fulfilling. Still, I wish things would be different. But as long as no dialogue is possible, chances are slim. I feel such shame, singled out, always thought I was alone in this because of the stepmom situation. The worst is the judgement by other mothers who simply do not understand. I gave up long ago speaking about it. So glad I found this group!!!
Who cares what the adult kids think..they r grown making their own mistakes.
Step-parenting is a special kind of difficult. I know because I've done it. I imagine you did your absolute best for your stepchildren and I'm sorry you suffered and were rejected. That's terrible. You are not alone. Others understand what it's like. Keep reaching out for social support and keep focusing on yourself. Best to you.
Estranged is the word for it. When one is in one's 70's, and a widow, it's pretty hard.
I am 78 yrs old and also a widow. This hurts more than losing my husband of 50 yrs.
I wish I could give all you mom's a big hug!!! I feel your pain right threw the page
@@lauracicero-miller3238 That is so sweet - thank you!! :)
It's such a hard thing, you woman don't deserve this. It's so common, very sad
@@lauracicero-miller3238 Thank you for your kind reply. :)
I haven't had very little contact for almost nine years. With my daughter. Missed my grandkids growing up. It hurt worse till i seen its happening to most people. Im not feeding the anger. Im trying to avoid it. I called when both my sister's passed. She was angry. Said why are you calling me. I told her my sister died. She said she was sorry. I finally had to say enough. Im getting sick and i need sleep. I raised her loved her. I wasn't perfect. But im human. Im not going to apologize for that. I pray for my kids family. Thats all i can do. Talking to her aggravate her. Im giving her the only thing i can. Nothing left but to stay away. Especially when she said she will never see me. The rest of my life. I blame alot on social media. They convinced kids that they are victims. That we should be punished. I don't agree with that. Any parent who is greiving right now. Loves their children. And probably did the best they could. And needs to take comfort in that. We have them, raise them the best we can. And let them go. We need to remember that. And give ourselves credit for what we have done.
I cant say how very grateful i found this.Nothing really takes the pain away,it is just dulled in a way.Knowing someone at least understands and has been through this hell, it helps. My two sons and 2 grandsons i will never see again most likely.19 years since ive seen my sons.God bless everyone here.
I have not seen one of my adult daughters in almost 15 years and my other daughter comes in and out of my life for the past 24 years haven’t seen her this time for 4 years. I don’t get to see my grandkids either. My heart stays so broken. I pray for them every night. I try to move forward but 2 steps forward one back and on and on. I just don’t know what to do to heal
I'm very sorry Polly. I haven't seen my 29 y.o. Son in over 13 years. I no longer even try. I stopped begging him a year ago. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and pray for his well being. I did tell him the last time we talked that I can finally look at a picture of him without crying. He blocked me after that. Most of us Mother's here do not deserve this treatment from our children. We gave our all. As the saying goes, "they step on your toes when they are babies, and they step on your heart when they are grown." God Bless you too.
@@irismcq.3776 thank you Iris
@@cathyakins4585 i cant say ive healed.ive been in therapy and 2 drs.i gave up.i have my animals and my husband.he is dealing with estrangement from his daughter.its like its gets worse for so many.
@@cathyakins4585 really appreciate what parents can do even after going thru so much, the fact that you still pray for them daily speaks it all.
hope you have peaceful life forward
Please keep doing these videos they are so comforting. This is a heartache that will never go away.
At this point all I can do is pray for her and I ask God to take away my pain. It’s unbearable to realize I failed so many times as a single parent to my daughter, but I changed and have been a good mom for over 20 years now and I’m a changed person. I learned so much along the way but she’s never given me a second chance. I beat brain cancer 5 years ago and God gave me a second chance, and I wish she would too. Our time on earth is short, why hold grudges against those who love you. I can’t fix this. I can’t bear to walk away.
This was helpful. I especially liked number five, focus on yourself. My daughter stopped talking to me over a year ago over politics and I was crushed at first, just utterly heart broken, but as time went on I realized I didn't miss her drama, I didn't miss walking on egg shells, the constant digs thrown at me over her childhood and I was feeling guilty about not missing her but I realize now it's ok to focus on myself and try to be happy in spite of the falling out.
Politics? I've seen that happened, sad really. " the constant digs thrown at me over her childhood" Now thats different, obviously it bothered her....enough to drive her to do that. But if you're happy now good! She's happy, you're happy, everyone is happy. Good ending.
Alienating in adulthood, or even in the teen years of the child, over politics or over lifestyle changes, is NOT the kind of alienation the speakers here are talking about. Adult children of parental alienation receive in early life abusive messages and life-altering brainwashing because of a malignant narcissist parent who, often with a cohort of others, actually forms a cult of thinking to convince the children that the targeted parent is not worth their love, their time, even their thought. THAT is completely different from much of what I see in these comment streams. If you fell for the Trump Cult and now are alienated from your adult children, it is because you have been seduced into a social cult yourselves and you are basically deluded and crazy, and your kids are right to avoid you, especially if THEY have children they want to protect them from the cult you now represent. Similarly, if it is your kids who have joined the political/social cult of the Alt Right and you won't stand for their delusional ways, then you might decide to alienate yourselves from them out of self-interest. Still, it is always sad when families cannot work out such things. I am truly sorry for your suffering.
@@SBretiredteacher No, most did NOt have life altering trauma. I don't believe it.
@@lisac8509 Yes, Lisa, it is true. I'm talking about extreme parental alienation. If you search the topic on TH-cam, you will find all kinds of documentation of the science: yes, malignant narcissists who use alienation to control their families nearly always have childhood trauma that sparks the narcissistic personality. Often the alienating malignant narcissist cannot even remember the trauma consciously. I'm sorry, but there is significant social science research backing up this fact. This, to us who are not a part of the alt-right cults, is exactly what we are talking about with these people. In our view, there is a complete disconnect between TRUTH and OPINION/BELIEF. One is not the other. Many victims of cultist thinking simply cannot absorb information that comes to them unfiltered by the cult--be it Fox News, or crazy-assed religious pastors. People become so identified within their cults that they cannot "believe" the truth even if it hits them over the head, such as when a person like Ms. Hutchinson comes forward to tell you Trump really was OK with sending armed mobs up to the Capitol to kill Pence and the Dem leaders. To know whether you have a cult influencing your life and your thinking, go to these videos I'm talking about, and learn what sort of responses from cult leaders one would expect to happen if one dared to utter an "alternative fact" contrary to the cult belief in the presence of cult leaders. What do you think will happen????
@@SBretiredteacher Get deprogrammed.
This is a wonderful video and very needed in our world today. I haven’t seen my daughter or my grandchildren for almost 13 years. I received an email from her and her husband saying it was not healthy their family to have us around them and that was that. No conversation, no real explanation. I got great strength and comfort from my faith and I have had to surrender them all to the Lord. It is still sad though and at the time I literally thought I would die. It does get easier but never goes away.
Everything happens for a reason, every situation is a lesson from above, keep moving to keep a good heart it is all good, you all will survive this too.
Our children are loaned to us by God.
It doesn’t seem like it’ll ever get “easier”. My ENTIRE life since I was 17 has been about raising and loving my children....I can’t even imagine it getting easier......
Sorry Sherry, I really feel for you. I am more of a person who will not accept bad behavior from my adult child because I want to see my grand-children. I am currently in legal action with my kid and will go to the Supreme court if necessary. The grand-children have a right to see me.
It has been two years ago today that I last saw my three grandchildren and my daughter. Her and her husband took off with my grandchildren and I don't know where they are. My heart is broken 💔 and it hurts so bad.
I was estranged from my kids for 11 years. The pain nearly killed me. I had no support. Their father hates me so was enjoying every minute of my grief.
I cried every single day, I collapsed entirely, quit my job, lost my house, my cats, everything I cared about.
Somehow I managed to stay alive. I began going out and about and met some other ladies, one in particular has had difficult relations with her adult son and will never speak to one of her daughters again. She amazed me, how strong she was, how she could just carry on. She showed me life doesnt just end when they wont speak to you.
Fast forward a few years and the ice has finally melted. We had Christmas together for the second time. I got to hug my son, who is not doing well mentally (depriving a child of a loving parent ensures that child will struggle emotionally). What finally turned the tide, was my ex getting drunk one day and telling our daughter all of the manky sh*t he'd done. She said it was like he flipped a switch - she suddenly saw how hateful he is.
My advice to anyone going through this - YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It is almost an epidemic. Also, to this day I do not contact them first. I wait till they contact me, usually an sms which I respond to.
Its the worst pain a mother can have but it IS survivable. That child will one day mature enough to see the error of their ways. If they dont, set them free. Even if you have a private little ceremony to say goodbye to what should have been, its better than what i did which was essentially lose a decade of my life to grief. Best wishes to those reading this. There's hope.
So sorry x
Oh my gosh, so sorry for your pain. You have crawled up the hill and can now have the strength to support and help others who have gone through similar heartache.
Thank you!
For now, just thank you. The empty space feels like a vacuum constantly pulling back disabling moving forward.
But you must move forward. A group of friends who love and support you helps greatly. Deciding where and what you want to do next too. I refuse to sit and wait anymore for my son to come to his senses. I have come to mine.
@BlueHorseYellowCow 💙
@@thehappywanderer6469 TY. Yes .. to put it mildly, it can be difficult to be positive.
Of all days? Mine happened on Mother's Day by text message!! It is VERY VERY painful to not understand what exactly my Son was talking about because some of the things that were mentioned like "me being a no show to invites" have NEVER happened. I never get invited to any events, dinner or anything. I've reached out to him and told him that I was sorry for whatever he believes I did and also let him know as his mother I will NEVER EVER stop loving or caring about him. I even suggested we go to counseling to try and resolve this. It is definitely a soul crushing pain and extremely difficult as we were inseparable for several years. I pray one day? He'll reach out to me. Until then? I feel so empty. 😞 I love my Son, his wife and my 4 grandsons. Thank you for this video!! I will definitely seek help for myself cause I certainly need it to help me understand what went wrong. I don't drink, never done any drugs and thought that I have ALWAYS been a great Mom. My youngest Son agrees. I'm so confused and hurt right now. Hugs and prayers to all of you going thru this struggle. Much love to you all. 🙏
I went to a service for my son's mother in law. I expressed to my daughter in law that I regretted never meeting her. My son interjected & said that wouldn't of been a good idea, because I am "inappropriate". Another words, he held me up to her, & I didn't make the mark. I've cried for 2 days. If he only knew how difficult life was & how hard I worked to be a good mom. I'm gutted. All I ever wanted to be was a good mom.
Your son was inappropriate!! That does not mean you weren't a good mom. I hope you can see it's not you. So sorry he hurt you so. My daughter is hurtful too, but I recognize her narcissism.
@@rcomyns4664
I'm sure you were a good mum.
My son is 40 this year and for four years he has wanted nothing to do with me he gives no explanation.
My friends say it's because I was too good and did too much for him and now I am paying for it.
I'm sorry for you I think only a mum that goes through a similar situation can understand how you feel.
@@jeanwilson5029 I have only figured it out over the last 18 months; prior to that I thought I'd done something wrong though I hadn't, always put their needs above mine because their father never did. Learning about different types of narcissism, how to set boundaries and not engage, is helping mend my heart. I'm learning to breathe, take better care of myself and feel free of their worries. It's a whole lotta their stuff. We did our best, they are now adults and we don't have to be mommies anymore. I've gained far more respect not being there for their every need while taking the kicks in between. We deserve better! Stay well and be happy. xo
Where is the father?
A lot of men grow up with a single mom and carry major resentment because of that later in life.
Robbing a boy of his father because he was a bad man or you lost the fee fee’s for him is handicapping your sons for life and ultimately jades them.
you WERE a good mom ...and still are. We have to remember as we feel helpless in these situations, that our adult children CHOSE this... we would NEVER do this to them.... We are good people - flawed and with fragilities and insecurities - but GOOD moms... Love yourself ... and don't take this shame he is trying to cast upon you into your heart... love love LOVE yourself
My oldest son has not spoke to me for over twenty-five years, no contact with his daughter since she was two. Have tried to reach out but received anger in return so I stopped. The loss of him has torn my heart out but my tears have stopped at last. There are four grandchildren that I do not know and never will. Mistakes I made I know but who hasn’t? I have no anger about this just hurt…massive soul hurt and pain
These adult children better hope their children don’t follow their example. You reap what you sow, what goes around comes around, etc.
Children learn from their parents how to treat people. They will learn this from them also.
@@luciem5372Every child has two parents and most children receive a great deal more "parenting" from public schools and the television than they do from either parent.
Adult children who do this know full well what they are doing. It speaks volumes about their values.
They're..... doing what makes them happy
@@RepentImmediatelyOftentimes with no regard for the welfare and feeling of others. The collective narcissism of young adults these days is so very destructive.
Excellent move 97% of the time estrangement is caused by covert abuse and the abuser still trying to claim victim, while the abused is invalidated by society.
You did the right thing dear
I'm the 3 percent then.
@@flemutter7211 where did you get this number?
I’m happy I found this video. My adult child has severe depression , anxiety, personality disorder, etc and his condition only worsens. He gets angry at me and stops calling for months at a time. I live in fear every moment of every day that I will get a call from the authorities saying he has committed suicide. The nights are the worst. I know that he is suffering terribly from his condition and from loneliness, poverty, and despair. I would do anything to help him if I only knew the answer. Instead I grieve the loss of a relationship, and the sadness , fear, and helplessness I feel is unbearable. The pain of it all is destroying my health and will to live. And I am becoming angry at the lack of care available for persons with mental disabilities
Carol, mental illness can be such a dreadful thing, not only for the person affected directly, but for his family and friends. I'm sure you already understand that your son needs medical attention and most likely medications to help get his illness more stabilized. But he may not come to this realization until he is jailed or hospitalized - even then, folks with mental illnesses can have a hard time staying on the meds that are making them better. So while it may be impossible for you to help him, you can help yourself. Unwind yourself from the hurricane that is your son's life. This is the best way you can help your son - restoring your own mental wellness. Seek counselling - a therapist or a member of your church clergy may be able to help or could refer you to someone else. Isolation hurts, so reach out for help; there are wonderful TH-cam channels and online support networks that can give you assistance. Your strength and your willingness to seek assistance will also be excellent examples for your son. I have bipolar disorder type II and anxiety. The most helpful thing for me has been my faith in God and an incredible church community. We are small but we call consider us "church family". I hope this helps, Carol. I know this is difficult.
I have a brother with Borderline personality disorder. He was my best friend until 20-23 y.o. when the illness took complete hold of him. He pushed away the whole family including his loving parents and me. He is full of hatred and paranoia about some imaginary harm that is being done to him. Once I mentioned that maybe he needs medical help. He got so angry that he started to threaten suicide unless I repent for my words. Under the family’s pressure I had to apologize and promise not to talk about it again. We all were scared. For 3 years he worked as a MD but now he cannot stand people, lives alone in a shack and is totally destitute. He blames everybody for everything. The only person he communicates a little with is his (religious) wife who lives close by and brings him food. Thanks God for her! But she also suffers from his accusations and unpredictable temper. I have the same fears as you. The only thing for you (as I see it) is to live not far from him and maybe offer him your help with some practical things (going shopping or smth. else). Practical life for them is very hard. He will still blame you for no reason (be prepared) but at least you will know how he is. Avoid talking about your relationship with him at all. They are not critical and are in denial. Also - if possible get in contact with his neighbours or landlord. Explain the situation, exchange phone numbers. Look for local groups of parents who are in the similar situation.
I’m so sorry! I just left my son from a visit screaming at me to leave and he abused me the whole time I was there. He has been diagnosed with ptsd but Im thinking he might be bipolar too. I am also worried about suicide. He isn’t speaking to anyone in our family now. I will pray for your son too. Im glad we found this blog !
@@auntbee4753 There is lots of information on youtube about Borderline Personality Disorder (Bipolar disorder is different). Psychologists, psychiatrists give lectures about different aspects of it and how to approach it. I recently found lectures by A.J. Mahari who is very down-to-earth and says some useful practical things because she suffered from it herself and (miraculously) recovered which is rare. She often even gives individual answers in comments section. The most poignant are thousands of comments from members of the families under each episode. Often they are from men who are married to wives with BPD, live in hell and cannot leave because of the children. Every story is soul crushing. You will find a huge community of people who are related to BPD person. The only treatment as I understand is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) because medications don’t work. It’s a relatively new method of psychotherapy. They say it is effective, but it can take several years. Problem is that you cannot push BPD patient to undergo treatment. Most of them are in denial. Still - lectures are important because you will better know what you are dealing with and also because you can get rid of codependency meaning that your son’s disease will not completely determine your life. There are also books for relatives like “Stop walking on eggshells” and others.
@@Vic-on5ic Thank you! I will definitely look up these you tubers ! This is all so new and scary. It’s so good to get advice and steered in the right direction.Thank you!
We have an adult son who was close to us until he married into a well to do family, then we weren’t good enough anymore. So after three years of trying to work it out we cut ties. I was sending gifts to our granddaughters even though we were not allowed to see them, their mother sent one of our gifts back and wrote don’t send anymore stuff! So we have learned to move on without them now after Being told don’t send anything, clearly they weren’t giving it to the girls! He said before we cut ties that we weren’t allowed to say anything to him or his wife even when we felt hurt by them and their actions. We hope someday our granddaughter’s will seek us.
They probably will, and you'll be there for them.
I can totally relate to your story. The email telling me to NEVER send cards or presents to my grandchildren 6 years ago is still painful especially on their birthdays. I did sit still and listen to my daughter's grievances for over 1 hour as my other adult daugher sat next to me. I did write down everything while it was fresh in my mind and most of it doesn't make sense to me to this day :(
Why not send a birthday check towards the grandchild’s college fund and some age appropriate stickers?
I told my mother if she continued sending things I wouldn't talk to her for a long time. She did anyways and we haven't talked for a few years now. If people set boundaries you should respect them.
Im sorry but this adult child needs to grow up!!! Just let go... pray grandkids will soon be with you with time....
I've never had children and sometimes feel scared that I won't have anyone to help me if I am bed ridden or on the deathbed but I guess it doesn't matter whether you have had kids or not. When I hear stories like this, it makes me sad. I've heard of so many seniors struggling financially and where are their adult kids? Why can't they move in with their family? I think a mother would have had to have done something really bad for their kids to disconnect from them but in most cases that I've heard, they haven't. There are just so many selfish kids. I hope anyone affected by this can resolve it or find peace.
It's your responsibility to provide for yourself financially. And unless you're EXTREMELY sheltered, you'll know that many, many parents are essentially paychos.
@@RepentImmediately - what is paychos?
You know what I think...I think therapists try to connect every problem a person has to their childhood. And their mother. The other thing is that no matter what happened in regards to a divorce or bad relationship in the marriage, the woman is blamed. If the woman stays in a bad situation, she is criticized for that, if she leaves, then she is responsible for the repurcussions of that too. The other reason I think this is common is that young people are so stressed now and don't know how to handle their own lives, they want a place to lay blame and their mother is the easiest.
I totally agree with you! I recently came to same conclusion about psychotherapy. I encouraged my daughter to have therapy sessions instead of taking medications for her depression. I was happy when she started to do so. Now she is blaming us for her problems distorting everything that happened in her childhood. She didn't do that before. I understand that the only strategy for her therapist is to dig into her childhood in order to find or create "dirt". And yes, it's always mother's fault. I also agree with the stressfullness of life of young people today and the lack of emotional development and strengthening of character.
🙌🏾💯
I fully agree... In his final text to me, my son wrote "my therapist validated my perspective". Thanks, therapist ... for harming both my son and me... There is the issue of my son having really no clue about parenthood at the age of 23 (without children)... and for a therapist to not encourage my son to consider other perspectives is terrible, and essentially a disservice to my son (and me). I think many therapists practically encourage discarding a parent. I am somewhat lucky in that my son did not just vanish .. he took the time to write me and explain why he needed space... He unfortunately accidentally became aware of venting I was going about his partner - who has borderline personality disorder ..and they had essentially negatively affected a long-awaited and expensive vacation we all took together... My son did write that a reconciliation may be possible in the future - for that I am so grateful. I keep reminding myself that no matter what MY perspective is on the things he has pointed out as issues - HIS FEELINGS are valid ... feelings are always valid. If I don't keep that respectfully in mind if I get a chance to reconcile ... the chance will be lost - perhaps forever... I hope this helps someone out there.... My 💔 is with all of those parents suffering this ....
Boy did you hit many nails right on the head!! My son often wanted to know why I didn't stay married to his father. I was not allowed that choice by his father. He "threw" us out, even packed the U-haul so it would go quicker!! I didn't even date anyone while raising my son. I really just lived for the 2 of us in a healthy way. I never bad-mouthed and never really regretted the divorce either. Why would I force someone to make them live with me?! My son always seemed to have a close relationship with his father, at least after being ignored until he was about 14 anyways. Us mothers really do catch all the blame and pain.
Totally.
For many reasons and some I'm not even aware of I'm sure my eldest daughter went no contact right before the birth of my first grandchild - my son's son . At the time she said I had to decide between seeing her or the grandchild . I didn't give her any answer - she had always been at odds with her brother since they were young but I didn't know the animosity ran so deep . It's been 10 years now . I'm not happy with the situation but don't miss her any more or even think of her daily . I'm somewhat relieved that her drama isn't part of my life . I don't expect to ever see her again . Lately I've been concerned about how my will should be drawn up . I find I really don't have the same level of embarrassment about the situation that I used to have . This is a sad situation for aging parents to be in however .
Being in a situation that is very similar to yours, and after not seeing or hearing a word from my adult daughter in eight years, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot reward negative behavior, hence, I am disinheriting her in my will. This pain has been overwhelming. I have called her, texted her and left her voicemails to no avail. She has my only grand-daughter who is now in College. My grand-daughter only talks to me on her birthday and Christmas, need I say more. Because of my daughter abandoning me for reasons unknown to me it has broken my heart. It’s very hard to not think about her. She is my blood. I can only pray that someday she will remember that she has a Mother that loves her.
My Dh and I are in similar situation. We drew up our wills and left it all to relatives (cousins). If they pass away before us their children inherent. So sad but someone needs to be in charge. I pray for my 2 kids everyday. It gets a little easier but still some sad moments. I send birthday and holiday wishes. Sometimes a holiday package. I never hear back but I do what I feel is right and I will never let it appear that I don't care. Their behavior belongs to them.
I cut my daughter who treated me terrible out of my will. I'm giving everything to my son who I have a wonderful relationship with. If he doesn't survive me I left everything to the Humane Society were we adopted a Kitten 😺.
I can understand where you are coming from. I have got to the stage where I have had enough. The drama has been going on for years and I have trued everything to improve our relationship and gave got nowhere. I have done alot of work on myself in recent years to overcome a traumatic childhood and dealing with guilt about leaving their father. I am nit allowing them to undermine my peace of mind anymore. Ive realised I might have to accept that I wont be part of my grandchildren's lives but will still send them cards and presents.
I’d leave her nothing. Not wanting to be part of the family means she’s not part of the family. If you weren’t important than your stuff and house aren’t either right?
I never realized so many others were suffering this crippling pain
After being estranged by all three of my beloved children who are in their mid forties - it takes all of my energy and strength to try to recover and take care of myself. I am 75 years old. It is of some comfort that I was in a 12 step program for people like myself who had to live with an alcoholic who was their father who abandoned us all, and who was never available. I learned that no motter what a good mom I was, and how successful and hopefully happy they are, they are still adult children of an alcoholic. I did many things right as a parent, but I could not fix this fact. I wasn't the gutter drunk or dope addict, . I stood by them and supported them in every way, yet I got treated as if I was the abanoning parent by my own children.
Can definitely relate.
Things changed for me after I got saved. It all made sense, Jesus dying on the cross for me. Miracles happened. I am a child of God. I pray for your salvation and your children's. Jesus came for the sick. Mark 2:17 On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Yeah, you must have been a peach,LOL Children don't let go of their parental bond without severe issues, in your case all of your children cut ties. Its time to take a good look at what you did, or didn't do and take accountability.
You exposed them to an alcoholic.... that's not good parenting
@@DanaLuvsNatureyour religious cult probably drove your kids away
Yes, this does help. Makes me realize that I am not the only mama in the world in this situation. Good advice, too. Thanks.
Thank you for this post. It is a very necessary topic. My own daughter has not spoken to me in almost 5 years. The hurt I feel is beyond description. There is no 'one size fits all' solution for parent and adult children relationship difficulties. At the same time everyone can't be 'bad parents'. Your advise is well thought out and creates a space for thoughtful discussion and realistic expectations. Bless you
I think what really 'cured' me of wrestling with the whys and whats - was when I looked over the years and realized that they were not very nice to anyone and I was merely just one of many I had watched over the years suffer from their treatment. So I decided not to take my two daughter's hostility personally - it didn't matter how I had helped them along - made no difference - so I took my life back and am quite content with having done whatever I could for them and now I look after me!
It’s a them thing, not a me thing. I see this too. Others have suffered this situation with them as well in my case. Also, estrangement is a pattern in the person’s family who wants the estrangement.
A few rules of thumb in these conflicts:
1) Who expresses a desire for reconciliation? If it is the child and the parent refuses, you know the parent is not taking responsibility for their "side of the street" - and vice versa.
2) Who is willing to get counseling? The party who refuses is usually responsible for perpetuating the dysfunction.
3) Who experiences confusing toxic shame? The abuser typically will not.
As a daughter who has gone no contact, I have tried to reconcile and get help for our relationship, but the last time I experienced the unexpected punch to my gut of confusing toxic shame was the last straw.
This helps. As the mom I have tried and felt all these things with my child. Thanks for putting it into perspective. Hope you’re feeling better as well.
My son and I went to counseling. I let him choose since that is the only way he would go. It was a blame game toward me that blew my mind. I walked away the first time we went feeling like a lady divorcing her abusive husband. I knew I had to put it behind me and move on!.
I went to excellent counseling with my mother (and I paid for it all) and after a year and a half, both the therapist and I gave up. She was not capable of opening up, sharing, being truthful, etc. we ended counseling. Of course, she went home and told her flying monkeys the exact opposite of what reality actually was. Mother simply couldn't handle the truth; being truthful. (She had lived her whole life not being authentic & truthful and didn't know any other way of living)
So because you were blamed you became estranged from your son? I could never do such a thing, and I have been blamed like crazy. My son has schizophrenia. If he wants to go to counseling, I will go. I will not risk loosing him. I'd rather apologize for my part and genuinely promise not to repeat whatever it was. @@elsiesilvey5166
As the mom ive done all the work. They have no problems. I move on to other means of joy. When they wake up and get real with themselves they can do their work. Ive placed that in Gods hands.
It is soul crushing to be estranged from your child. My only adult son will not talk to me, it’s been a year now and it pains me every second of the day. Tears don’t stop. Oh god please give me strength.
Several years ago I snapped and it finally hit me that my mother was sucking the life out of me. When I finally got away from her I stopped feeling suicidal. My therapists say it sounds like she has narcissistic personality disorder and books I’ve read about that resonate. I could say more but it’s hard to explain. It’s hard not having a mother, but she never was one. She kept me alive but tore me down psychologically.
Same with me, just went no contact a few months ago. Enough is enough
The narc narrative given out by therapist is what is keeping healing from happening. So easy to blame the other person.
@@44ARISEandSHINE44 They are looking for an excuse and they are getting it.
@@lisac8509 You've completely missed the point and glossed over the fact that her mother was mentally draining her. Many therapists will listen and take their client's words as the truth. They will be the outside perspective whom breaks us outta the conditioning. As our parent's kids, it's hard for us to accept that our parents were the ones emotionally manipulating and gaslighting us all this time. People aren't stupid but will doubt their sanity if the attacker is a close loved one
As a mom of three young kids, I see the makings of people who will dump their parents in the cheapest nursing home they can find.
The life is fair at the end, you get what you put in.
My parents especially my mom done so much and sacrificed so much for me, I will give her my one eye if I needed to. Because I grew up experiencing and feeling the unconditional love, I will always love my mom. I know how to give because my mom gave me everything she had and more.
Thank you for your continued support concerning this subject.
“I’m going to live joyfully. I want you to see me living joyfully. I’m going to live my life.” They have tried to harm me, and I’m going to live my life. I made choices as best I could all along the way. I’m a human and will no more take a life sentence of estrangement for mistakes that I take responsibility for apologize and change. I have been doing things to take myself out of the hurt. (This is all true what you’re saying.) One empty chair doesn’t need to have you neglect your whole table. Live a healthy and happy life and move on. Exactly!
I remember many years ago reading a column about quite a large percentage of parents with adult children saying that, had they to do it again, would not. At the time I thought this was terrible. I was a young father thinking all was possible. But now, 40 years later, I totally get it.
So true!
I agree. Some wounds never heal. "Many a heart is broken by words left unspoken"
Yep.
Me too! I should have just raised dogs 🐕 🙄 my dog loves me.
I sometimes pray that my daughter will get pregnant and become a mother herself.
The cruel behaviour can be displayed by mother's too. I have a very long sad story of my mother's narcissistic manipulative behaviour. She couldn't even behave well when my beloved husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She continued with her lies and manipulation to try to get my attention back on her. I called her out for the liar she was and received a letter the next day banning me from "her" family. My father, brother and sister swallowed her lies and I never heard from them again, even when my darling Ian died. I moved to another town with no regrets. If I hear she has died, I won't shed a single tear - I'll know instead that there's one less bully in the world.
My mom had NPD too, Along with siblings. I married a narc and my kids have NPD. All my life I’m a scapegoat to all family members. I can’t bare the pain at times.
I have to say that "soul-crushing" is such an accurate description of how this feels. It compares to NOTHING I've ever weathered before. I am generally a happy positive person, and I find myself in what I cannot deny is - depression. I have rapid cycled through the initial stuff... the shame and guilt and feelings of worthlessness... to some anger ...and largely bewilderment. I have let out what I would call primal wailing; sounds came from me that almost scared me. Absolute despair and the emptiest sadness .. I am not trying to be negative; just sharing what this feels like.. I'm only one month into it.... not knowing if it will be ongoing or end in a reconciliation is difficult. I am trying not to lose myself...but it's hard to feel the spirit to do - for instance - artwork...but I am trying. And I do stay connected socially. I am from an abusive family, so I essentially have no family, and this estrangement is from my only child - my son. My heart goes out to all those other parents who are suffering along with me ... and I pray for peace and health for all of us...
I hope the situation has resolved for you by now. I have had several "falling outs" with my daughter over the years that eventually mended, but I am going through another bad one right now. It is especially hard because there are grandchildren involved whom I love (and love me) very much, yet I cannot see them because they are so young and under their mother's full control. I know they are suffering as much as their Papa and I are by this time of separation. I am still praying and believing for a reconciliation before too much more time passes. We never know how much time we have here on this earth, and my grandkids are still young enough to fully forget who I am if too much time goes by without seeing me.
I’m going through a terrible rift with my daughter & can’t see my grandson & I am in so much pain , it feels like a nightmare & she has cut off communication with me.
Thank you God is keeping score😊
And you also will be in Our Prayers
You need to ((reclaim your worth as a separate human being aside from being a mother!)) Please start to look for JOY in other ways... other people who DO LOVE and honor you!
I had lots of anger& resentment towards my mom, to the point I cut her off my life for years. As my kids got older, I felt emptiness in me and realized I have to forgive her, after all she's still my mom. I prayed hard and ask the holy spirit to guide me and heal me and take all my hurt feelings towards her. With in a month of praying for the holy spirit to come into my being, I called my mom and told her I love her and whatever hurt and anger we had for each other, we have to let go.
Prayers above all things can help rid of all our hurt feelings and of course we have to do something too to be physically and mentally stable for us to function.
Call on God and pray and talk to him for guidance.
Best post here. So Proud of you Sister! Pray for me too, I need to step up to the plate. I pray for my moms salvation and my father though he passed, it hurts so bad.
You did the right thing its amazing how prayer can change our hearts and give us the strength to do what is right may God continue to bless you and your family
Thanks. Please include me in your prayers and I will continue to pray for all of you. Thanks for this post ❤
Amen! Praise God for a happy post!
God Bless both you and your mom.
religious delusions can make you do dangerous and stupid things.
It's not always the parent fault. Sometimes the other parent alienates the children from their other parent when they are very young. You won't notice it until they are adults and start accusing you of things you know nothing about. They refuse to believe you. It hurts but you still have to move on and find happiness in your life. I pray you will find that peace.
Sometimes the kid is just a jerk. No parent to blame.
My ex husband caused me so much trouble,after my son had been to his house for a week he came home spat in my face,called me a wh...e this was what my husband called me everyday.Although it was many years ago now and my son went on to hit me l sort of forgave him as l knew it would please my ex to see the rift.Later my son turned to religion and started preaching at me.l now no longer speak to him, my ex caused the rift between us all.
We as parents are being undermined by the public school system. Not to mention other family members who are jealous . My inlaws alienated my children through out their childhood. It has come home to roost . My kids are woke. We are conservative and have been told if we don't change our world view they will have nothing to do with us 😢
This happened to me. It's so upsetting and unfair and there's nothing you can do about it. They wouldn't believe you if you told them.
@@noramckay3342 true and it can follow you all your life.
Self awareness , no defense, real listening, empathy and genuine amends.
excellent advice
100% and also respect for space. If adult child needs time and space don't try to force them to talk to you, especially if it's not that long
I’m sure this has happened for centuries, but I am convinced that it is happening exponentially more in recent history.
It is a sign of the times we are living, and a reason to rekindle & insure our relationship with our Heavenly Father. 😢
It's happening more because we don't live on farms with 30 siblings anymore. My first job in my career required a 1000 mile relocation.
Jesus called his disciples to leave their families behind in order to follow him, did he not?
religious abuse is often a reason for people having to escape. Blaming god for bad behaviour doesn't make you immune to consequences
Thank you for your perspective and wisdom. This trend does seem to be multiplying exponentially.
@@hommy1614 it is not a "trend". this dismissal of the validity of leaving an abuser is a pretty pathological form of gaslighting
I’m so glad to have found this podcast . I have looked for years looking for guidance , help or just looking for someone to understand. I have looked searched googled and never found any one to talk with , here on line . She is borderline Abusive to me . This is validating . I raised my daughter as a single mom . I went to school and worked . I never did anything horrific . I know I made mistakes , things I wish I could change . I do see a therapist weekly . I have for years . I finally have found one that is helping immensely!! One step at a time . She helps me see the little things , I may do that cause my daughter to react . We do keep in contact via text . So I’m not completely cut out . She has been angry with me for years . She has never told me why 😔. It’s terrible , heart breaking . It’s lonely , it’s embarrassing. It’s so convoluted. Just finding this today , is so helpful . I’m not alone 😢😢
Thank you .. thank you I know how this makes me feel . I know there are others , feeling the pain alone .
Please please keep this education going .
Borderline disorder is terrible. It ruins the lives of many people, especially the relatives of the patient.
My daughter is angry with me and I have no idea what I have or have not done. I have asked her and get no reply. Like a lot of other people have said I always put the children first and maybe I did teach them/her that I am not important. I have provided hours of childcare, cooking etc in fact at times I felt like the hired help....unpaid of course. Seeing how many others are estranged is a revelation and a comfort. Maybe I was as bad as I have been made to feel, its devastating.
Many of the posts on here remind me of my daughter. I am no expert and mean no disrespect to anyone but there seems to be a lot of adult children showing signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. My daughter has been diagnosed with this and it is very difficult to have a 'nornal' relatiinship with sufferers. Theres a lot of info online and I have joined an online suppirt group. Just a thought.
It has been over 10 years now that I received a letter from my daughter stating she was informing me that she no longer wanted a relationship with her father and me. Hard letter to read and accept the words written. She spoke of how I took her brother's side and favored him over her, something she had repeatedly stated throughout her life, even telling me she should have been an only child. Now after many years, I have come to understand a statement she once made. We were discussing our relationship amid my tears when I quietly asked her if there was anything I could do or say that would make her understand just how much we loved her. After a heart-wrenching long pause, she said No Mom you can't. Looking back I can see my mistake was in not packing up my emotional bags and leaving right then. But over the course of many years I would repeat my plea and be rejected it took her letter to free me from the emotional abuse. I am not saying it was easy not by a long shot but over time I came to the conclusion it was her decision, not mine and I needed to live with it.
I was able to give her and my pain to the Lord knowing He is able to do what needs to be done in both our hearts.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope that you’re OK.
@@Pamela-ny7jz No not really. My short comment can never explain things. The emotional abuse was real on both sides I am sure but walking away is not the way to deal with it. No one ever heals.
My mother cut me off because I told her she hurt me. She would rather lose me than acknowledge that she hurt me. I dont even want her to say sorry, not that she ever would but just some indication that she gets it. But nothing, martyred radio silence. Nearly 3 years now.
You Mom would tell absolutely different story why she did this. It always happens: people do not hear each other and constantly misinterpret the message from another person.
I hope you have a relationship now.
I am experiencing this for the first time and it is devestating. I am even attacked when I am completley away from them. I cannot win.
It's like fighting against the wind it is a no-win situation. For my sanity I I just have to let it go.
Some children choose to estrange themselves from over controlling and narcissistic mothers, because they are tired of the gaslighting, manipulation and crazy making. So.... it is not just about the adult child having some type of unclear "issue" of their own making. Often, adult children leave when they finally conclude that the parent refuses to discuss the issues, refuses see the relationship accurately, and denies that they have had any role to play in the dysfunction and therefore refuses to make positive changes because they remain unmotivated to change.... i.e. The adult child leaves for self-preservation.
I totally agree. My mom says she has no idea why I cut her out of her life despite me spending my entire adult life trying to tell her. There was another youtuber who said. Adult children never cut out healthy families. There needs to be a lot of self reflection by all parties.
My adult son got mad because I don't allow drug use in my house. He called me a bitch, controlling, narcissist, and then went through all my family members and put them down. Then he turned to his dad my husband and told off everyone on his side of the family. He also in the passed destroyed the house and beat up his dad and the cops took him to the mental hospital. He's 30 years old and everything is my fault always. So now he's back with my mom because she has no rules.
Well you're original if nothing else. I see you've used all the popular buzzwords ...I'm sure they make you feel justified in your actions and attitude...one thing you might do is examine yourself and see where maybe your character could use some adjustment
I haven't spoken to my 31 year old son for months. Mother's day came and went and he was silent, then my birthday, and still nothing. I'm devastated. I pushed aside the pain and humiliation for months, but I lost it on my birthday last week. Now I'm trying to climb out of this deep sadness.
😢 your not alone ….. try to move through the grieving process……there is no cheating
The process ….. it is like a death
I never dreamed I will die with a broken heart. My husband said rejection is God's protection.
Rejection is God's protection. That is interesting. I've often wondered if my children's rejection of me is protection from something worse that might have been. God knows.
This is something i have lived with for 4 years. It’s the most heartbreaking, unbearable thing to live with. My daughter and grandson left and i have no idea where they are. The hurt can never be explained in words.
The amount of times I have to hear from estranged parents that "i don't know what happened, they never told me. It just happened out of the blue." And it be a LIE. because estrangement is not something thats just decided on a whim. You don't just up and walk away from family after a mild spat. My own mother , who I'm now no contact with, I spent years. years trying to hope she'd be better. That she'd respect me as an adult. Respect my boundaries. Respect my wishes of her and not play games with me or my family. And each time she not only refused but made me seem crazy for asking simple things like DONT WITHOLD MY MAIL. DONT OPEN MY TAX RETURNS. DONT WITHOLD MY MEDICAL BILLS THAT COULD PUT ME INTO DEBT IF I DONT PAY THEM. DONT HIDE MY WALLET AND COMPLAIN WHEN I CANT CONTRIBUTE TO RENT BECAUSE I HAVE TO ORDER A NEW CARD. And that's just things as an adult in the few years I recontacted her.
The amount of physical and verbal abuse I endured as a child under the guise of "discipline" is sickening that left scars with me that exist to this day. Your children didn't estrange you as some petty retaliation for some menial argument like you people want to believe. they've spent years trying to talk tonyou and you've been too high and mighty as a parent to actually listen and consider their opinion valuable to the point they don't feel you as a safe person anymore. I WISH I could have a relationship with my mom. But the way she is, it would be one sided. there is no mutual respect from her end and I won't subject myself or my children to the same things I grew up with.
Perfectly said. The denial and dismissive attitude and blaming their children without asking WHY their child is taking the actions they are/behaving the way they are is the #1 sign the parent is abusive in some way and doesn't want to own it. Saying that their children estranged because, "Their feelings got hurt." or that the child "just wants to be in control" is so ridiculous. I don't want to be in control and it takes A LOT to hurt my feelings. I just don't want to put up with BS behavior and abuse and that's too big an ask. Estranged parents have to know or at least have some clue and if they genuinely do not then their lack of effort to truly understand shows they have a serious mental defect of some kind and that is not their child's fault or within the ability of their off-spring to fix. Estranged parents have a parent/them problem and they need to fix it before their off-spring will want to renew a relationship with them. No one walks away from loving and healthy so clearly the child didn't view the parent as such and the parent denying that will not fix anything.
Don't assume anything about someone else.
Amen!!!
"It be a lie"? Address your own situation and MYOB. This is for parents, not you.
Oh yeah, sure, it's always the parents fault.
Appreciate this perspective of focussing on ourselves. I won't keep on crying. I've been through the grief with one child who has complex personality and mental health issues. Now my daughter is becoming self righteous and basically dissatisfied with me. Her housemate who goes weekly to a therapist and does an awful lot of belly button staring, has really driven a wedge between us. It's the Millennium bug that's really poisonous. Fear of triggers. Belief in the fragility of the self rather than resilience. They're afraid of uncomfortable feelings and believe all negative emotions must be avoided. This is not building a healthy society.
What you are saying is so true about society today
Spoken like narcissist 😂
Very helpful. My son’s father degraded me to my son since my son was about four years old. When he was 16 my son completely discarded me. The funny thing is I thought I was going to get the mother of the year award. I really thought I did a great job until he was about 14, and I was struggling financially, and became Sort of impatient and jaded. So it’s been 12 years now that he treats me horribly. And I just became a grandmother seven months ago and have yet to meet my grandchild. The only thing I know how to do is to build a new life for myself. It’s so hard to see my friends with their children, knowing that they made more mistakes than I did, yet their children love them. I cry just talking about this. He compares my relationship to my mother, which was not good. However, in my case, my mother truly did not love me. She put men in front of me, yet I rarely dated. There really is no comparison, but he likes to make it a comparison. It really does create for painful life.
All I have to say is living 2600+ miles away and only talking to each other on special occasions has certainly improved our relationship. Now when we talk on the phone, we no longer argue over stupid stuff.
Yesterday I was deeply grieving and sobbing all day. It's been 18 months and my daughter recently too further steps to cut off all family members she'd kept in contact with during the time she'd primarily only had me cut off. It made me realize she won't come around like I thought she would. Since she couldn't even come up with any reason on why she's doing this it's left everyone shell-shocked and baffled. I've been suffering and grieving so deeply but yesterday I decided, death is easier than this. Because in a death there is closure. So I'm working to convince myself she died because then I don't have to torture myself wondering if she's OK, if she's safe, if she's the dead young woman on the news, if she's ever coming back, why she's doing this etc. Because there isn't a real reason. So I felt losing a child to death, there's a reason they aren't around, you don't worry constantly and torture yourself over if they're OK. She's just as gone as death so I'm going to tell myself she died. I'm taking her off my insurance, she apparently doesn't need me or want me in her life she's almost 19 now, so fine, get your own insurance then. Taking her off as a beneficiary on my life insurance etc. She wants to be dead to me, so be it. I can't mentally nor emotionally handle the extreme grief and uncertainty. In my dreams I see her and throw my arms around her and sob but in real life I can't. She's just gone now. After a year and half and her changing her number recently. Blocking my sister whose always doted on her and been there for her and shared a close relationship w her. Refusing to give anyone a reason or explain why she's doing this, I just can't take it. It's killing me. I can't live w all the unanswered questions and the recent steps to further cement the total cut off from anyone on my whole side of the family was a wake up call that this may never end. So, I came to the realization I must think of her as having died to have any sense of closure and stop constantly torturing myself. I know I didn't do anything nor did her little brothers nor my family. I never even made her babysit, not once despite her being much older. Let her have a happy and free teen life to enjoy being a kid. She only had a couple chores and I didn't really make her do them regularly. I never harmed her physically, did everything I could when a bad anxiety disorder kicked in for her, took her to therapies, got meds for her, did everything to care for her. She got mad one day called me by my first name and kicked a box across the room at age 17 so I tried taking her phone for 2 days and she ran off to her Dads who was never really present in her life. The 2 of them them made threats about destroying my life, career, having her brothers taken away if I didn't sign withdraw papers to allow her to live w him and go to a different HS for her senior year. I went ahead and did it, knowing it wasn't in her best interest to try to protect her younger brothers from trauma over it. She started her new school and began telling outrageous lies about me. Lies of a false childhood filled w outrageous abuse that never occurred. Got a boyfriend using these stories and cemented friendships using these lies. Now a year and half later I hear she's deeply involved in his family, still with them and suddenly she chops off all communication w everyone and blocks them so I think what's happened is she built a new adult course on a foundation of lies to elicit sympathy and manipulate people into feeling bad for her and now she's so deep into it she's absolutely terrified if any of these people met us or talked to us that they'd question her horror stories and she'd lose the boyfriend and new friends over it. They'd look at her like most people would finding out they'd been told such insane lies and that her whole lifestory was false. So it's easier for her to cut us all off and hide away then to tell her new friends and family she's created that everything she ever told them of her life story isn't true. That she wasn't abused, had a middle class life, a loving doting involved mother. She's caught herself in a web of lies and is willing to throw everyone who dearly loves her away to protect the lies and relish in the love, pity, poor you treatment she's getting w the lies. I don't think I'll ever see her again because as long as her identity in the circles of her boyfriend, his family, all her new friends is all built on being this victim of terrible abuse she's got no recourse or way to return. Even if she gets pregnant and realizes what it'd be like for her child to do it to her and becomes filled w guilt, she will have to stay away cause her bf would never let his child around such, "monsters". A teen girls lies to make friends at a new school have now turned into an adult woman whose severed all ties w her whole family to continue the lies. I think I have to just let her go, in my heart, in my mind, and think of her as having died the day she snuck the ride to her Dads house being angry she was in trouble and having her phone taken as a punishment. She's made her bed, chosen to make me dead to her, told insane and hurtful lies about me and my family, so if that's what she wants, fine. I'll put a small marker in my yard and tell myself it's her grave so I can mourn her being dead to us as we are to her. Telling myself she died is easier than the torture of not knowing and all these questions wo answers. She's gone either way. Death has closure, whatever this is, does not.
What a sad story. As a complete stranger reading your attempt to explain this situation to yourself, the analysis you have given makes perfect sense and seems very plausible to me. Playing the victim card is a powerful step & does have all sorts of ramifications. One day she may have a crisis of some sort which makes her grow up enough to admit her part in creating the situation she is now in, but that may not happen either. Pride is a terrible thing & that alone may prevent her from returning even if her life collapses with all the lies she has told. I am very sorry for you & wish you some kind of mental peace. The strategy you have chosen is a reasonable reaction to an awful situation. Best wishes, I really feel for you.
I'm not sure about #2 - Don't cut off in response. Each time a mother reaches out and hopes for a response, she takes the risk of having her heart broken just a little bit more. I think this should not be a hard and fast rule, but one that may need to be rethought over time, especially if the kids make it clear they really do not want contact.
I guess it would be personal choice. I still call my son from time to time to tell say hi and tell him I love him. It is his choice to not respond. It is my choice to let him know I am still here if he decides to reply. I don't know why he stopped talking to me, so why not let him know I am here if he wants to begin again.
I sent too many emails, apparently, and now she doesn't want us to come near her. She even went to the police when she saw me at the grocery store and thought I was "stalking" her! I'll always love her, but it's time for me to move on for the sake of my sanity.
I think you're right ... my son blocked me so that I cannot even text him - let alone call if I have a medical emergency... and I decided to try - against all hope - to text him again yesterday which was his 24th birthday ...only to find I am still (of course) blocked... It renewed my pain ... I am profoundly depressed today - all anew
Yeah and that is also kind of stalking
@@gusmonster59 no you are disrespecting his decision to be in no contact. See, this is why none of you would get it. You are imposing this on him. His decision is clearly not to talk. But you are like, I’ll call him anyway. What do you want to hear? “Don’t call me mom!” he doesn’t need to say that
Saying you're sorry a million times (whether it's a parent, child or anyone) means nothing if you repeat the same mistakes.
Saying you’re sorry a million times means nothing even if you do not repeat the same mistakes.
@@tamararutland-mills9530 if the person is genuine, it's easier for me to forgive.
That's right. It must be sincere and the offense ~ not repeated.
So true. You can't expect to just say "sorry" and for things to bounce back.
Listen to them. Children don't just leave.
Truth be told, before cutting ties, children usually communicate a million times what they need.
Estranged parents are usually unable to fully see another person. The pain is too hard to bear for a child. That's why they leave most of the time.
Funny enough, that never gets talked about.
I was on my own at 14, raised 2 children on my own working 3 jobs and was a break glass ceiling woman with zero help. Mistakes do not correct a lifetime of abuse overnight. It takes a lot of work and dedication to rebound. Stop being so hard on people.
It has so much to do with modern psychology encouraging people to create tough boundaries. Unfortunately when our kids choose to feel anger towards us, there is nothing we can do until their life experiences teach them better.
I’m estranged from my family now for 14 years. I opened up to my mother when I was 30 about my want for children and how my husband doesn’t want them. A few months went by and we went to their house for Mother’s Day. My mother told me that her and my sister were not cooking because they are mothers. The guys were all in the garage hanging out and drinking beer. My mother and sister were on the couch watching movies. I cooked the meal with my then 5 year old niece. That day I finally understood all the gaslighting from my mother throughout the years. Her cruelty veiled in the shroud of motherhood. Mothers are suppose to be supportive and loving....right? Even as adults your mother should not take your pain and turn it into bullets and shoot you with it later. There were several things she did like that and that was the last time I dealt with her in person. I went through alcoholism for years and my 30s were hell. She never reached out. She just was always spreading lies and saying I told ya so; she was always a problem. Two sides to the story. I am glad now I am no longer in their circle to be abused. I cut her loose.
Donna Carino thank you. I am sure there are good mothers on here. But also, sometimes you don’t know the full story from the child’s perspective. When a child says they are no contact with family. Please don’t say...how can you do that to your mother? There may be several reasons. But there are reasons. And yes I regret nothing. They all know my address and phone number. They know that they don’t want to hear the reasons because they don’t want to be on the outs with mom....she controls them all with her games. Cruel games.
@@donnacarino2844 Yes. Let us all heal. I have always let them all know my phone number and address. They know my husband's number as well. My father has contacted my husband. My father always knows that the door is open at the house for hashing it out. He doesn't want to anger mom. My sister doesn't want to anger mom either. I am stronger now than ever before. I am always willing to have her here to talk it out. She won't because she knows I will bring up things that won't make her look good. That is her deal. I am no longer under her power.
@@donnacarino2844 I don't think it a victory. I think it more of creating space for a different reality with more positivity about life. Some would say that it is a loss. It is a new way. Maybe not better, but new. Many beat themselves up for not fitting what cultural norms want them to be, or what that person expects them to be. We all are growing. For me, I let people I work with know that they are ok just as they are. I also let them know that they can choose who they want in their life and who to lose if they need to lose them. We all are ok, no matter what is in our past, or what we are in this state of being right in the moment. I wish all mothers that are estranged from children to heal. I also wish all children of that situation to heal. I think that this woman who put this up on her channel wishes well for all of us. I don't wish no hurt on Mothers. I want the best for mothers and for them to understand that they need to hear their children as individuals with their own load as adults. We all want love from mothers.
@@donnacarino2844 you are a very caring woman and thank you for that! Thank you!
Holy moly Honey ... I’ll be a Mom to you if you like.
I cannot believe this is so common. I could list many faults of my psrents but I would never have the heartlessness to ignore them. I feel like Im surviving everyday, not living. Thank ypu for your kind advice💗
Thanks for sharing!
I can understand you are in pain. I hope you find healing and growth. Please understand that it is not heartless to want to make wise decisions of who to talk to and the influences we want to be around, whatever relation. Having a voice and choice to stop and think and choose whether or not to respond to someone, not automatically doing it out of fear, unnecessary guilt, or obligation. It's healthy to want to do things from a more genuine motivation, to be kind instead of nice, honest and deep instead of superficial. It's okay to not respond when your body is screaming "this isn't safe right now": anxiety, heart-racing, etc. every time you receive a message. It's okay to listen to our bodies and the warning clues, especially when others' words or behaviors in any relationship have been harmful and not changing. Putting our own needs and that of our children as a higher priority than our parents' or family members' feelings is healthy to find our our purpose in life. It doesn't mean we don't still care, but it just needs to look different now, and that's okay. It's disrespectful for parents or others to not encourage this differentiation and autonomy for young or grown children, to help them fulfill their mission in life separate from us. It can still be lovingly connected with mutual respect, mutual warmth and interest, and mutual accountability and change. I am blessed to have this with other extended family, and it has meant the world to me. I hope you find healing in your relationships too.
There is a difference between having faults which we ALL do, and being abusive. It took me 63 years to finally cut contact with my abusive parent. It wasn't heartless, it was self-preservation. I knew it was the right thing to do when I realized that the nocturnal panic attacks I was having stopped along with the contact.
I am childless, and when I lived in Mexico, I noticed some of my friends had children they had no contact with at all. I think the worst for them was the grandchildren. I never pried, never asked, but one day a friend brought her son to my office, and I realized why she didn't have a relationship with him. He was rude and disrespectful. Before she died, she told me that her children and grandchildren only called her to ask for money. So while she was alive, she gave each one a sizable sum and told them they would not be in her will.
She shouldn’t have given them anything
Estranged adult children are very challenging, thank God for friends who helped fill the gap!🙏🏼❤️✝️
You are so pretty ❤️
Hello how're you doing?
Most likely their childhood was very challenging as well!
narc parents are challenging and traumatizing
Exactly!!!!!
I appreciate your thoughts and gentle care. The pain of being estranged from my adult daughter is akin to having lost my other daughter to death. Unlike cancer ravaging a body, this is her conscious choice. The pain is as excruciating.
Physical death easier
I come from a dysfunctional family. My ex comes from a dysfunctional family. We divorced when our twins were 3. My kids have been bathed in the dysfunction of me and my ex, and all our intergenerational trauma, even as we loved our kids, did all sorts of things for them, and tried to validate their feelings along the way. It’s no surprise that they have mistrust and attachment issues. I am grieving for them, me, my ex, and my kids’ future kids, because this stuff gets passed down unwittingly even when there are good intentions.
The bottom line was I wasn't a good mom. No excuses! Instead of enjoying my children, I found working full time, loveless marriage and exhaustion trying to survive I just couldn't focus on them; having ADHD and being pulled in different directions; I simply failed. They felt neglected and I don't fault them on it. I was alone in a city I hated, but stayed for them; got sick with CA and sepsis. Now with Covid, I see and speak with one daughter in the city; my other daughter lives in another city and is busy with her life, but calls; I rarely hear from my son. I live with my shame. I failed as a mother. This is my story and experience.
Out of nearly every mother on here, you are the closest one to regaining your children's love and respect. Why? Because you tell the truth to yourself. And only then, can we heal and heal with our loved ones.
Wow you are amazing. How truthful you are, you deserve forgiveness from your children. What a humble post. I hope Jesus heals you all and you live as a family on earth then an eternal family in Heaven. This is an older post so hopefully, my prayer for you, even if late, has you all reconcilled
You are one of very FEW moms who take responsibility that admit they had a part in the estrangement. You are a really terrific person and should be very proud of yourself.
I wish my mother would realize what she did like you can. But don't focus on shame after this realization, be kind to yourself ❤
Please be kind to yourself and forgive YOURSELF. Pour out your heart to the Heavenly Father, who loves you and will forgive & help you to change everything around through prayer, faith and the pure Words of Christ. He will help you & ensure that things will turn out in the best way possible. There is enough love to go around. There is power in forgiveness. You will see wonderful changes if you choose to reach out to God in faith.
There are no words to explain the pain and what it does to your self esteem, identify and health
Sending love and light to everyone experiencing this unimaginable experience
I'm almost 71 and my 31 year old girl hasn't talked to me in a year. I feel so abandoned at a time when I really need her.
Can I get some context? Me and mom don't get along can you give me pointers
Oh so sad why do our adult children do this to us when we get to be in our seventies or late sixties and they don't need us they'd throw us away like garbage not realizing they'll be the same age someday and it could happen to them by their children
Did you say no when asked for money?
@@pamelameltonhuff583 reap what you sow.... their day will come
She's not your responsibility....you sound like you think she's YOUR mom.
I haven't spoken with my daughter in 16 months. I have a since of sadness but also relief. I no longer feel I am walking on eggshells and pretending to be what someone else wants me to be, I am living my authentic life and that's all I can do. Maybe one day she will join me in that.
I wish there was a support group cause so many like this
Im cheering for you! Be your true beautiful self!
Its been the same time for me, I’m moving out of state. I want her to know I’m leaving. Her addiction has taken over. She is homeless. I’m always looking for her but can’t find her.
Wonderful!!!!!!!!!