You Must WALK AWAY From These People! (Heal From Toxic Breakups & Betrayal) | Dr. Ramani
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On Today's Episode:
By now, you are most likely aware of narcissistic behavior being grandiose, egotistical and charming. If many of us can describe a narcissistic person, then how do we fall into unhealthy relationships with people that have zero concern for our happiness or well being? If you’ve experienced a relationship with a narcissistic person or happen to be currently living through narcissistic abuse then you are familiar with the frustration, the gaslighting, and feeling totally lost on how to end it or get out of the relationship. There are very clear traps narcissists use to keep hold of the people they want to control. Dr. Ramani Durvasula is an expert in narcissism and clinical psychologist. She is also a repeat guest on the show, joining Lisa for the third time. She’s breaking down all the ways narcissists are trying to trap you, how to heal from narcissistic abuse to move on, and how to create better boundaries and a plan for revenge.
Check out Dr. Ramani's Podcast "Navigating Narcissism" here!: apple.co/3nrjnTL
SHOW NOTES:
Feeling Lost | What does moving on from a narcissistic relationship look like [1:02]
5 Traps to Avoid | Dr. Ramani breaks down 5 traps in narcissistic relationships [5:39]
Hoovering Trap | A powerplay tactic narcissist use to suck you in after you’ve left [9:38]
Avoid Enablers | Dr. Ramani explains how enablers make it harder to walk away [11:44]
The Hope Trap | Dr. Ramani reveals how narcissist trigger hope to keep you baited [13:44]
Trapped by Guilt | When vulnerable narcissists trap with the belief you can save them [15:24]
Responsibility | Dr. Ramani on why responsibility of being treated poorly is not on you [17:27]
Trauma Bonding | Why people hold onto the good things in bad relationships explained [21:47]
Breaking Triggers | Dr. Ramani explains why being alone for a whole year is necessary [25:35]
Danger of Control | Why controlling what someone wears is a dangerous dynamic [35:53]
Be Cherished | Dr. Ramani reveals why being cherished over desired is important [38:37]
Rebuilding Trust | Why it’s hard to rebuild trust for with yourself and tips for progress [42:00]
Boundaries | Dr. Ramani’s tips for setting boundaries when you don’t feel safe [55:21]
Revenge | Dr. Ramani explains the best form of revenge against a narcissist [57:25]
Self Efficacy | Dr. Ramani reveals how to heal from narcissistic abuse with indifference [1:04:38]
QUOTES:
“The hope is around, you are a better navigator of your own life, and you had the wisdom to extract the lessons from this really difficult experience.” [5:07]
“You can retain your empathy and compassion, and you can also preserve yourself, and your job on this earth is not to rescue another capable adult. That responsibility lies on them.” [17:03]
“Even if you try to teach them how you want to be treated, they ain't listening because they have no empathy. They don't care. You're merely an object to get them what they need.” [20:08]
“That time and becoming reacquainted while you're not in a relationship is where you find out that your legs can stand on their own.” [32:04]
“It's not just about the trust of the other, it's about that you have the right to set a boundary, and that's about trusting yourself.” [46:45]
“You may not be able to like, boom, set this line in the sand with this person, but that doesn't mean you have to sit here quietly and endure an uncomfortable situation, you can give yourself permission to leave, and it ain't your job to school that person anyhow.” [56:06]
“If you can think of revenge as you being your best self that shuts everybody down.” [59:04]
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What is your best tip for someone who needs some emotional healing?
I nod my head yes yes from the start already . From my experience , it never gets better and I hoped it would. I always thought the silent treatment he gave me that I did something wrong and ask him what did I do? This makes you go crazy thinking you did something wrong and make you feel sad. He cheated , abused me, hold leverage, threaten me, call me awful names and call my family names which he never met. “Looks challenged man” he is and he slowly grew on me. There were red flags already but I ignored it. They never want to leave you alone . They come to you when they’re ready. It took me so long to get over him with his ugly wicked nefarious satanic ass even though he was a waste man. When looking back I couldn’t believe now I actually had him in my life and he was 11 years older than me . He was immature grown boy not a real man. Ladies you will get over him . Healing takes time so go through the pain instead of holding it back
Don't blame yourself. Don't hold on to the pain
@@ChristianaSenibo agreed 💯 forgive yourself for the choices you made & things you did/didn't do before you knew what you know now❤️
Walk outside, do therapy, journal, talk to friends. Changes so much.
@@sunvavachi Excellent and tried and true!
The best revenge is living your best life. Absolutely.
This is SO true ...they seethe with envy but try and hide it by saying hmmm "your back to your old self again now "
But underneath demising their next move to crack the legs off your chair
So true ❤
❤😂100%
100%
This statement has become my new motto. Never would have thought of it on my own.
When you break up with a narcissist, you wake up the next day and say to yourself "oh, my God, I am alone...." Then, after many many more lonely mornings, you wake up and suddenly say to yourself, "oh, my God, I am FINALLY alone.....".
Truly!
It's bittersweet, like the melty morsels in a warm chocolate chip cookie 🍪☺️ I don't live in a constant stream of manipulation and gaslighting anymore. Soon I won't miss him at all.
Perfect!!!!
Alone and lonely are not to be confused. Yes you are alone which is a prerequisite to healing, growing and moving on.
@@privatename40 Just what I needed to read. Perfect thank you
When you can’t afford therapy…thank goodness for TH-cam and this doctor!
I know right
It’s a gift really.
❤🎉❤🎉
Foreal, I always hear therapy helps, baby I can’t afford that. 😢
Exactly
A Dr. Ramani video a day keeps a narcissist away!!!
Her and Patrick Teehan have saved my life.
Yep, Dr. Ramani and Patrick Teehan are so amazing and empowering. Wishing you peace, love and joy 🎉
@MaureenWHamblin-- Me too, her video's and his video's changed my life.
omg... I literally have two tabs open... this one with Dr. Ramani and Teehan on the other one...
Lol never heard of teehan .. will check after this video! But I agree about listening cto her EVERYDAY. The most insightful woman I have listened to regarding this subject. She is truly a God send. ❤❤❤
Yeah !!!!
This woman has helped me more than any friend, relative or therapist ever ❤ thank god for this woman
Amen 🙌🏽 I agree!!!
SAME!❤
My wife CAN show traits but she isn’t a true Narcy, you know how Doc says we all kinda have the traits and what not. But since I have learned the signs I had started calling her out on what she is doing things are way better now.
Same ❤
Same❤
I just filed for divorce after 31 years of adultery, devaluing, disrespect, and blaming to justify his affairs. I have watched Dr. Ramani for the last year, building courage to take that last step. I am finally free of a loveless marriage, starting to look forward to every new day. Maybe I will find a real love later on, but for now I am enough;) Don't tolerate being treated like you have no value and are less than. I am so glad I found these videos as they helped me to break away, know I am not alone, and I am not the broken one.
A strong hug to you. Mine were 30 years...you're not alone.
@@Ellevi14 I was 24 years in it and two back surgeries and digestive ISSUES with all the Sarcastic comments constant..it almost broke me....I was just beat down so much...no man will ever want me except for my body..DNT come home without meds or I will divorce you...what happens in the dark will come out to the light..no one can mock Jeh God..
26 for me. 3 years out and my life couldn’t be more full. So proud of you for finding your voice ❤️
30 for me...it hurts to know he didn't care..am still hurting but am hopeful that one day I'll heal
Peace of mind is worth more than anything.
Always a pleasure to have a conversation with you , Lisa! Thanks for having me again!
You are a lifesaver, Dr. Ramani. Thank you so much for all the work you do. Greetings from Spain. 💖
Your videos helped me leave and stay away and understand the situation I was in for 10 years. I finally left for good August 2020 thank you Dr
Are you taking any new patients?
Dr Ramani,
You have been a life saver!. I’ve always known there was something off with my relationship but could not pin-point it until I came across your videos. I finally left my 16+ year marriage about a month ago and slowly gaining my power back. This has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. Still working on healing. Hoping to join your healing program soon.
🐼
Oh trust me it was MY pleasure!!!! I absolutely adore you and our time together and you know the chair is always kept warm for you 😉 You are truly one of a kind ❤
From my personal experience….once I was able to leave my narcissistic relationship, I dated myself for two years! Yesss, I went to places he wouldn’t take me, changed my daily activities to include all of the things he wouldn’t want to do with me. I ventured out of my comfort zone, took the path less traveled, and at end of it I discovered my true potential, I found myself!!!!!❤
Fantastic to hear that it's encouraging for those of us still stuck or struggling to escape
How did you manage to leave?
I love what you shared,I escaped my narcassitic abusive relationship April 1 this year and I went no contact & im healing in solitude, I living with my mom who totally supports me but I'm going to do what has helped you,thank you so much. ❤ Keep loving u!
@@balanceskateboarding8807 I made a promise to myself that I would not stay with someone who did not see my value and treated me so badly….I made a list of all the reasons why I needed to leave….doing this helped me separate myself from him emotionally first! Then I spoke with my family…some understood and some didn’t….but in my support circle I found the help I needed to move out, go no contact and begin my journey to healing ❤️🩹 Hope this helps you
I wish i have the finance
I'm in year 3 of being divorced from a narcissist. I have to co-parent with him because of our 2 kids who are 12 and 13. It's been a struggle but he told me when we were divorcing I would never make it without him. I've since then bought my own home and upgraded my car all by myself. She's right, be successful, be your own navigator!!!
If you're planning on leaving a narcissist, plan, plan, plan! Be patient, get a better job, save money, build your support system. You can do it!
💖🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🥰
yes you can, narc translation : “you can definitely survive without me, but you can’t know that.” you are such a great mommy :,)!!! i hope you and your kids are blessed and very verry happy 🥺💗
@@kenyaonkoba9713 we are!! Thank you!! Now they get to know life outside of the narcissist grip!
❤❤❤
🙏🏾❤
The _hardest_ thing was to realize the person I fell totally in love with, never existed. He was a phantom and I'll never get the 'first week person' back because it was all a fascade. He idealized me and I felt for the first time in my life seen for who I was instead of being scapegoated. Then it turned slowly into a nightmare.
I totally hear that. I let myself date someone immediately after my last toxic "relationship" (which was a lot like you described) and this time I waited to even decide if I like them or not. I liked them enough to have dinner and go to the movies. And then at three weeks this new guy made rude comments to me (then later kissed me on the hands) and went on and on about his exes AGAIN. I just asked him "Gee, you sure seem to bring that up a lot. Is there something I should know?" and he kinda shrugged it off. I couldn't confront him exactly but I gave a fair space to be honest. Then I decided I didn't want to see him anymore. I quickly even forgot his name. Waiting makes it so easy. Sadly, I had a hard time waiting even three weeks. I have found the dating dynamic clearly changes at three weeks- in my experiences anyway. Now I have a hard three-week rule and I will test that out.
Wow, that's so perfectly described. Exactly. Falling in love with someone that never actually existed. Nailed it!
This was my exact experience. I kept thinking my new relationship was too good to be true....and it was. Lived in the nightmare 3 yrs waiting for him to change back into the person I experienced during the first weeks of our relationship but...it never happened. Being an avid listener to Dr. R helped me walk away and free myself from the narcissist. Now, I have a peaceful life.
@@lissabaker7782 same thing here. I remember feeling so silly literally googling "grumpy mean cynical husband mood disorders" out of desperation one day when I finally knew that it was not me that had an issue. Slowly, like following bread crumbs, I ended up on dr ramanis page, and it literally saved my life by waking me UP. Forever grateful.
You fell in love with yourself. He didn't see it for who you were, he told you the things you wanted to hear. You don't miss him, you miss what you thought about yourself the first week
I was more lonely in the relationship than I wasn't in a relationship. Being alone is the best thing ever. Embrace it
Ditto in my life
It's torture to be trapped in a lonely significant other relationship. I couldn't take it anymore. The loneliness forced me to go into therapy. After two years of weekly therapy, I was finally capable of exiting a 46 year marriage to a passive aggressive narcissist. Praise God!
Truth
Same. I just left a very abusive relationship with a malignant covert narcissist. During the relationship I felt more lonely than without it. Happy to be single, and have no plans to date any time soon. I need to work on myself so I don’t repeat this toxic pattern.
And when the human condition kicks in❓
The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I've had boyfriends that were abusive but it's just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it's something u can't even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex's did or what would hurt u most. That's what's so confusing then they blame u somehow because it's always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 10yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can't picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing. I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won't give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you! Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me.
oh, almost fell for this and felt bad for you. but it's an advertisement. may god bless you for preying on the vulnerable.
I was right with my ex i told her she was a narcissist and after 3 days I found out she was cheating on me with her best friend’s ex
"So many people were never taught how to be treated." - I resonated with this!
Love that quote. It takes a lot of guilt and societal pressure from one's shoulders.
YES THEY FAILED TO TEACH THAT IN KINDERGARTEN
Same. I never even heard that phrase "You treat people how to treat you" until I became an adult. I had a very abusive childhood and accepted treatment from others that I was familiar with in my childhood
I felt this!
My feels he was treated wrongly by his mother and siblings and now prefaced every argument with " that's what my family did to me" and uts become beyond ridiculous.
You will never be as lonely as you were in the relationship. Being alone does not equal loneliness🙏🏻
@@rosalindwhelan_actress be proud of you being the woman who was strong enough to choose you 👏🏻🙏🏻it took me 30 years. And strange enough I have not missed him for one minute either.
@@melanievanoorschot6505 such a true comment, I could never be lonelier than when I lay awake next to the man I stayed with (almost 30 years!). It hasn't been easy, the lies he's spread, how he's tried (but not succeeded!) in turning our kids against me, the $$$ issues. Now I find his maneuvers so transparent, although still working to protect myself. Sounds like you've come a long way - congratulations,
@@007suzanne so we have lost 60 years between us. I hope you will be able to learn and heal (if we ever do?). They will never stop abusing and using children for their own benefit. We will have to be strong mothers to help them find the way in the labyrinth created by their own father. Believe and you will succeed. 😘🙏🏻
Very true love this!
Thank you, you said it!!!
I spent my christmas with my three cats. I had peace. Peace. Peace…. And fun, when my cats played. They did not yell me, complained about my outlook (they never do), or controlled my eating or anything, etc. Peace and fun, can you imagine such a Christmas?
It's amazing how blind and selfish people can take away life's simplest things others takes for granted
❤️❤️❤️🧚
It’s a bittersweet ending
Sounds wonderful ❤️❤️
I felt this. So hard. My two fur baby boys did the same for me! I’m so glad you had them and they had you! 💜
Dr Ramani has saved me my life. Leaving the narcissist was the best decision I made. I continue to obsess over him but I know it will take time to heal. If it wasn’t for listening to her, I would still be trapped in that nonsense.
"IF you loved yourself, you would never allow anyone to treat u like that". A wise person once told me.. I live by it now. Mantra for life. Self love and healing childhood trauma is everything!
I’ve always wanted to leave but i’m afraid he will retaliate against me. He like’s to torture me by saying things about me that aren’t true. He’s one of the best liar’s I’ve ever known.
@@pennyamyot4215leave safely. Set up a exit plan. Because it will never end. Even 10 years later you think they learn and have understood what love is?
The answer is they don't love anyone or anything. So run.
@pennyamyot4215 you learn to know yourself better then the lies he spouts and detach his verbal abuse because you know you're nothing he's saying.....then you've succeeded in leaving...know yourself better and don't let him tell you otherwise. Good luck! ❤
@@silviamaslarova5995 as Dr ramani says its not people who Don love themselves a lot of people end up in this
“We really do gravitate towards the familiar even if it’s traumatic”. That is absolutely truth
Yes i can relate to this as well..
True..💯
You said it best. Change is scarier than predictable unpredictable behavior or events. I vowed that I would NEVER marry someone who drank... guess who I married? Someone just like my narcissistic emotionally abusive father.... who did not drink. As a child I thought it was the alcohol who made him his way, but learned that there are soooo many other red flags I allowed, because I thought that was 'normal'.
True…im in a third marriage for five years and im 60 now..he was alot like my dad who i loved very much but was so uncomfortable being around….my husband is worse to be around and its so stressful I’ve physically changed even….I unfortunately have no place to go or job …..so im stuck
I call it the “sin of familiarity” 😩😭
What sucks is that my husband acted like he cherished and respected me in the beginning but he slowly started to show his true colors throughout the yrs. Towards the end, he really showed his narcissism. Watch out for covert narcissists
Facts! My mother
That’s real ! The covert narcissist. On deep reflection looking thru they new eyes , did he cherish you in the beginning or “ love bomb” you ?
The Covert is the most dangerous and clever of the bunch because their invalidation is harder to see.The victim doubts themselves,often questioning if their perceptions are real or imagined and this ongoing self doubt drives the victim to the edge.The best antidote to this self-doubt is to remember one thing
and that is....
TRUST YOURSELF!!!
If you feel you are being invalidated,then you are!And you must do what you need to do to get away from the abuser and if you can't get away,then learn some of these coping techniques to be able to tolerate the covert narcissist without letting these parasites drive you nuts.I have found that seeing their game ,not reacting and not taking anything they say seriously helps.The covert narc is often filled with sarcastic sideways putdowns.Notice them,KNOW YOU ARE NOT IMAGINING THEM AND IGNORE .Get into your own life as much as possible and strengthen yourself.Fall in love with you.
🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌
They always reveal themselves, you just missed the signs. Believing yourself to be a victim is self destructive and a fairytale.
My biggest learning takeaways from this life lesson are:
- always trust your gut
- establish strict boundaries early on and see if the person respects them
- listen to how the person describes people (narcissists view people as resources/tools and will generally not talk about inner personality traits as valuable)
- share a sad story with the person to see if they display empathy (they usually ignore the topic)
I have been out for a month and I would never go back. Not after I've learned the true face of the person I was with. It is like a blackhole consuming any light it can possibly get near.
Spot on! Blessings on your journey dear one, life is so beautiful and happy the further we get from the black hole 🙏
@@bodymindsoul60 thank you so much. Blessings on your journey also ❤❤❤
🙌🏽
Soooo true!!! They suck your energy!
All of the above/ been there/ great takeaways! Sending hugs- one month out is still tough/ I’m 3 months out- it gets better- all the best :) x
Solitude is so healing! I feel re-centered when I'm finally alone again. I require solitude daily
Yes just spent a year alone. Peace is so much better. And it takes time to heal and get over loneliness.
It feels so good being in my own company..
Yes, it's so scary for me because I depended on this guy to help me through my chronic pain over the years and I've just come down with autoimmune disorder, so I cannot leave the house during flu & cold season since I'm allergic to flu shot. So this guy that I'm giving up used to be so nice to me and then his psychiatrist started giving him more meds and he's become full on NPD and it blew my mind. I'm devastated 💔, but I'm going gray rock keeping my distance from him now. It's very hard to let go completely 😪
Yes, it's going to take a long time for me to heal & get over the loneliness because I'm trapped in my house with autoimmune disorder. So I contacted BetterHelp for therapy and they are helping me.
@@peggysterling57 hang in there Peggy. 🙏 Hope you find some good support from therapy. It's not easy but you can do it! Getting away from the toxic energy of a narcissist will surely be better for your health in the long run.
@@elcadejo44 thank you @Olive Teddy
You are worthy, valuable and loved, do not let your past define who you are. You do not need someone to be with you to know you are good enough, walk away from those people do not value and respect you , because you deserve the best. . By walking away form those people you are showing to the world how much you love yourself.
*Remind yourself every day how amazing you are and that you deserve the best*
P.D. You do not need to prove anything to anyone, not even to that narcist, when you seek revenge you let the other person win because they still control your mind and emotions, wish them good luck in your head and move on with your life and forget they ever existed this mindset heals wounds faster.
Love your comment!
Thank u
So true! That’ s a really good piece of advice👍
Such reassuring and helpful comments!
Great comment- how true the revenge seeking and other obsessive dwelling on someone is giving them power over your mind, energy and time is! It’s not a good way to do life as it adds nothing worthwhile to it.
If you are getting up out of bed in the morning, even if its later than you want... you are healing! *** Read that again*** I love you all, we got this!!
I want this screenshot on my mirror. We got this.
@@heatherwhatever7714 Hi Heater! Yes yes yes! Sending a big hug and much love your way! Dont give up ❤️ We will heal from this and come out stronger!
Oh my goodness! I’m struggling with this issue so much. Every morning as soon as I wake up, I feel so lost so I don’t want to wake up. By the time I wake up again, it gets late and I feel terrible afterwards. Your comment gives me hope ❤️ thank you!!!
@@peachpeonie Hi there! Stay strong ❤️ Its been almost a year for me and it does get better! I promise you! Take good care of yourself, stay hydrated, eat as good as you can even if you are not hungry and more important than anything, be patient and kind to yourself! It is a process, it will get better! Much much love your way and a big (covid free) hug ❤️❤️
@@gquiros2457 thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️
Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my four-year relationship. My beloved partner chose to leave, leaving me with an enduring sense of loss. Despite my unwavering efforts to reconcile, I find myself struggling with frustration and an inability to imagine a future without him. Though I’ve tried to erase him from my thoughts, his absence continues to haunt me, compelling me to share my feelings here.
Letting go of someone you deeply love is incredibly difficult. I was in a similar situation when my five-year relationship ended. I couldn't bring myself to let go and did everything in my power to get him back. In the end, I sought the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me reconnect with him.
That sounds intriguing! I'm curious how did you find this spiritual counselor, and what’s the best way for me to reach out?
Meet Fatherabulu, a renowned spiritual counselor known for his remarkable ability to reunite ex partners.
Thank you for sharing this valuable information."
in essence we fell in love with ourselves.
they mirrored every strength,
every beautiful quality
you have!
you are everything they are not !!
sending so much healing 💗
Yes absolutely!! He was definitely my shadow work, learned alot about myself
Excellent point!
Isn't falling in love with yourself narcissistic?
@DrRamani needs to pin this to the top. It's the exact analogy. I just learned the story behind the mythology of Narcissis and Echo. Never become THEIR ECHO. His only worth was the image of himself he fell in love with.
Love and healing back atcha!🥰
"You wanna stick it to a narcissist? Succeed." That's exactly what I needed! Thank you!!! Do what you want to do!
Yes!
The narcissist I had an affair with told me I was going to have a huge fall because I chose to end the affair because my convictions kicked in and I chose to turn to Jesus! I connected with this covert narcissist because he used my vulnerability with my mental health husband who has all the characteristics of a classic narcissist… I didn’t know that they both were this way until I just looked up what is a narcissist! SMH!!! I am an empathetic personality!
@@jeannetteroundtree2389 been there...we are innocent and they REAP what they sowed in due time...
Exactly! SUCCEED and love yourself and life and let them see this. They are far too jealous and want you to be miserable. They will react with worse behavior so be ready for it and make a plan of what to say when they misbehave. "Im not tolerating your bad behavior". Or make a face like HUH? and walk away and go on doing your own thing. Pack up your most precious items and either put them in storage or store at a family or friends house. They go after your personal things.
Yes! Wasn’t that the best?!
Great, as always!
One warning though: after years and years of narcissistic abuse, solitude can become addictive..
I was wondering about that... The first 6 months away I pushed myself to get out and socialize and be around people it's only been for the past month that I've gone into solitude mode I could care less about socializing right now I don't know what that means but she says solitude is good we'll see...
@@lisavansant961 Yeah, you'll see. I agree that it can be addictive and I've been in solitude for more than a year where after a year, I discovered this artistic side of me that I never knew. Essentially, I have reinvented myself as a professional painter just by being in solitude. Which is good. It is addictive. It is bad. The reason why I say bad is because of that icky feeling when you started to get into your head again. So yeah, give yourself permission to do anything because I promise you, your voice of intuition will return just like how I noticed that icky feeling after solitude.
So true
I have blocked and cut off all communication! I will never again give my siblings the chance to hurt me! I've been the family scapegoat since I was 15 yrs old. I'm 60 now and their games are OVER FOREVER!❤️
Same.. enough is enough then they still blame you for it.
Yay!! Ditto!!🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Also my children!
❤
Incredible person reading this, you have everything there is to succeed in life, whatever that is for you. Go after the life you truly want NOW! ✨
I believe in you! Love - Nat ❤️
❤️
Ty. U Made my day. ❤️🥺
Thank you Nathalie ❤️ I am here watching video and reading comments because I feel so defeated and drained at the moment. I read your comment and got goosebumps and now am feeling a little better.
Yes yes I deed....I always wanted to become a high professional sychocology!!!!!
Careful, narcissists can escalate to domestic violence. Wishing everyone safety and love
Very true. I was very much trauma bonded and actually escalated things to a point of no return because I knew that once a line is crossed my self-preservation instinct will kick in and I will break free from the "spell". I would not recommend this because our physical fights were terrifying, but it was a wakeup call for me.
Narcissist abuse is akin to living in a domestic violence situation. In my state domestic violence includes nonphysical factors and behaviors.
My recent relationship ended when the narc became physically violent! A horribly traumatic experience that I am continuing to recover from 14 months later. X
@@melw3313 I have travelled that road too - almost word for word. Mine told me that I was a manipulative user and shoved me into walls when I finally went to retrieve some of my belongings! Trust your instincts. If you felt vulnerable, then you probably were! X
Very true! It did for me and being in denial of me being a domestic abuse survivor kept me there for a whole other year and things only got worst..
Nine months ago I separated from my narcissistic husband. And doctor Ramani and her videos are the only thing that have helped me understand and now heal.
I find it very sad that there is considered a class of people who will never grow, and never really experience genuine happiness..
Crippled by their fear and or circumstances. It really IS sad 😞
Such a generous, generous human being. Dr. Ramani, and the wealth of knowledge and experience she shares has been a huge part of me leaving a 25 year nightmare.
Having had narcissistic or codependent parents makes it difficult to “learn the lesson.” Many people get stuck in trauma bonds because they are subconsciously familiar to their childhood experiences with their parents. You can *know* that a relationship is toxic but you’re addicted to it. Addictions are HARD to overcome. It’s not just about choice.
I think because Will and Jada is normal to me, I don't have a sixth sense about narcs. On a subconscious level, nothing seems off. I don't have my sixth sense screaming at me to run. Looking for signs that someone is good or bad only gets us so far. People hide things. Humans rely mostly on their intuition. People with good parents have good marriages. On paper, we may have had the same process, but the results are different because my intuition was skewed from the get go.
I don’t think people seek toxic , Family narcissistic Old Childish family orientating feeling .. Many don’t even know like myself what Narcissistic people or Narcissism , many Can’t live alone or , can’t manage to afford to be alone .. Trying to get away from your main Narcissistic attackers , you have to run and many run unto another narcissistic group of people .. it’s about The fear of being alone and doing things on your own .. Aswell as the inner Human ego to fight others ..
Absolutely agree
I’ve been in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship for 7 years. I am listening as I pack my things from my childhood home which I purchased with my abuser. I got the go ahead to move in to my first rental home by myself today and these videos have helped me gain the strength to do so
Sending you so much love!! SO much strength you already have!
Congrats! Best wishes ❤
@@katiegirl33 thank you so much love❤️❤️❤️
@@sister2mysoul thank you! 💕💕
You are extremely inspiring and strong. Wishing you so much support and blessings !
Im so happy to hear my own life experience with this video. 42 years and finally I said enough, even old (66) I do have to free my self from all the verbal and emocional abuse. Thank you
Same. Now Im planning to move forward together with my dogs. But the sad thing is im a housewife, no job.. not enough savings and not driving.
I stayed for 45 years when he died 1o month ago I had to learn who I am thank god I'm retired with own house 2 grown daughters and animals but I'm old and tired but learning to be happy a bit lonely without the eggshells but I will get better I know
Same here
39yrs😢
Same here
Bingo! This video is where I am in my journey! Divorced from a narcissist of 26 years, moved halfway across the country and at 60+ years old, I find myself nervous about making all new friends. This gives me encouragement!
You got this Karla!
💪power to you!
You got this!
💕💕💕
You just gave me strength to make it though this day. Day 4 of no contact. Even small steps equal movement towards peace...right?
One big danger is believing the lie that one person is singularly responsible for the health of another and or the relationship. The more he/she acts out the more friends family blame the other for not fixing it. It took years for me to realise that it was not my job to fix something l didn’t break. NARCS break relationships, people, partners, careers, children, reputations. We can’t actually fix something that is not our realm of responsibility. Knowing one is powerless over people, places and things is a life saver. Shaming is rampant in a society obsessed with perfection. I did not fail when l left the narcissist, l succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. People who survive narcissist abuse are physical, psychological, spiritual, ninjas. Be proud that life/childhood tested you and you emerged victorious, stronger and wiser than this world in general will ever acknowledge.
I love the way you expressed all of this. So true and beautifully said.
@Jennifer Moore, Good points. The narcissist makes big messes in a relationship, - it's a one way aggression from them, and then they expect the person who they attacked, to fix it! Without any explanation from them for the nastiness.
@@tarahj478 rfvsdhjh
Bravo, Jennifer, very well said! 👏🏽
The hardest part of being in a narcissitic relationship for me is knowing that you at one point genuinely loved them and that they CAN be a kind person. At the same time, you also know that they will never know what TRUE love is and the "love" they give is unhealthy. I also feel like these narcissitic relationships are sad because they often are comprised of two traumatized individuals longing for love.
Based on my own experiences, their kind side is only a facade. It is not genuine. They are only nice when they want something from you. Their mean side is their true self.
The kind moments are copying behaviours, done to get something for themselves. They have zero empathy so they don't care. They may act kind because they want to show someone else up, or take down your boundaries. But you are correct Dr Sam vaknin has videos on the attraction of people to narcs and many have a fantasy they can rescue them or fix them, and others trade the abuse to avoid abandonment.
@@joywebster2678 mine only hugs me right before he asks for sex and only tells me he loves me because he wants to hear it back. If I don't respond, he'll ask. I'm so exhausted from the lack of affection/ connection and loneliness. My last 2 relationships were with narcs too. I'm so burned-out from these soul and energy stealing incubus.
For me the hardest part was looking back and realizing while I was fully opening my heart, and trusting them with it, and we had (well...now I know a lot was just "I had") so many happy times ..there was real love...but it went from so amazing to just totally derailed and toxic even though we cared still. But just that alone cannot keep a relationship alive.
The love wasnt faked..but the bad, projecting, paranoia etc. took over after a while..then add alcohol & other things to it and It just crashed that much faster and really traumatically (I'm sitting here questioning if that is an actual word..my brainfog is super ...foggy today. 🤦♀️ plus he knew what I went thru as a kid /teenager and it gave me PTSD to have to experience basically the same thing with the insane paranoia and me walking on eggshells (I'm not gonna get specific..but just really crazy stuff..ok I could go on forever .sorry about how long this is!
Basically (since I tend to go off topic a lot,) realizing that you were experiencing all this great stuff all while thinking your partner is right there with you, and has the same level or care and respect for you as you do for them....then when you look back you realize so much was just not the way you thought at ALL. I think, tho, it helps the healing process if you're trying to just get all that stuff out for good.
@@tarahj478 I know exactly what you are going through. It is very hard. Hang in there. 💗
1:17 To get lost is to learn the way …
5:10 You are a better navigator of your own life …
6:20 The 5 traps - hope, fear, pity, guilt & comfort
17:00 Your job on this earth is not to rescue another capable adult
17:35 So many people were not taught how to be treated (well)
19:31 Getting your power back & healing despite: money, fear, culture, children, your mental real estate
21:15 Narcissist 1.0 vs Survivor 1.0, 2.0, 3.0
22:00 Trauma bonding - childhood coping mechanism & the ick list
26:17 Detox x 1 year: uncensor yourself & cut the cycle (self-talk, feel into your body how safe you are now & celebrate 🎉❤ to break the trauma bond & re-wire your brain)
38:07 Being cherished (you) vs desired (I)
41:31 Not trusting yourself & over correcting 🚩Slowly taking down the walls and barb wire over time + learning how to have boundaries + trusting yourself again + baby steps with flexing your social muscles + reflecting (journalling wins)
54:01 Honouring your instinct & practicing boundary setting
56:16 Revenge - vindictive vs being your best self (finding your BLISS) 🔥
1:03:59 Self-efficacy as a call to action & breaking out mindset
1:05:25 Healing ❤️🩹 goal - indifference
1:07:05 Dr. Ramani Contact Info
“Be The Hero of Your Own Life”
Thanks 👍
You're an absolute legend for this. Thank you so much ❤️🙏
Thank you so much for sharing ❤️
I want to thank my Narcissist ex for pushing me to become the greatest version of myself by telling me how useless I am and how shitty of a mother I am. I am a single mom to a beautiful healthy baby boy who has a bad ass mother! He’s the loser here 💪🏽
@@melw3313 Aww. Thank you. Your words made my day! 🦋🙂
Yes!! Proud of you Sis.
Absolutely!
I’m so proud of you ❤ I was told the same thing
Ever so often I was told I was a lousy stepmother. He wanted me to say they were my kids not stepkids. It would make him so mad. They have a mom they love and I have my own grown children I pushed out of my own lady parts. I love and cared for his like a mom but the truth is I am their step mom. They didn't even call me mom and it's absolutely ok. If we loved and respected each other (the kids) why did a title matter so much?
So why when I left did he ask "what am I going to say to the kids??"
My response was easy...."tell them you've been trying to get me to leave for a long time and I finally heard you. Loud and clear. " 👌
I LOVEEE this episode! Just one week away and I’m so much at peace with myself. Just went to a salon and had myself pampered and then had a nice dinner outside all by myself. It felt amazing!
Congratulations on making the change..I feel much more sane on my own as well. Free of drama!
Tłumaczenie angielsko-polskie
I’m happy you got out and are healing. I’m still stuck but am planning my exit.
@@anthonybanks4568 same
Hold out for being cherished!!! My partner and I were both in previous narcissistic relationships (him more than me). It’s taken a lot of work on our end to not bring our old wounds into the relationship and helping each other heal. A lot of tough conversations and patience but being in a loving supporting relationship is so freeing. We both talk about how wonderful it is to feel like we can be ourselves with each other and how we can communicate without fear of ramifications. We have a lot of mutual love and respect for each other and we allow each other to have their own opinions and perceptions. Life is so fun and fulfilling with him. His love and affirmation has healed my heart in so many ways, just as mine has done for him. It wasn’t an easy road to get here but our journeys have made us so thankful for each other. Don’t lose hope and don’t settle. Don’t believe the abuser and bully, you deserve to be cherished!
Ty🥰❤️
I don't know what it feels like to be cherished.
@@sallyb470 Maybe start with cherishing and nurturing yourself. Start the process of getting cherished by others by taking small steps to cherish yourself. If you don't know how to start, look up "how to start cherishing ourselves."... you eventually attract what you're looking for, because they'll be a reflection of what you're doing already--cherishing yourself.
You give such hope for the future, thank you! ❤️
A King will always cherish because he will be chivalrous. All Queens should be cherished and they will find their knights and help them to become a King.
Love that, 'if you are getting out of bed every morning you are healing'. Many days I don't feel like I am making any progress and I get down on myself. In love with someone who didn't have the time of day for me, only wanted to sleep with me. Hurts like heck, but I'm trying...
That is not your fault. Just start again being much wiser.
I’m wishing you joy in waking up each morning knowing you are free
It's growing pains. That's why it's uncomfortable. To believe and invest into something that wasn't real. Forgive yourself and remember the person you were before you met your ex. Give God the appreciation of letting you see that evil in that person. The longer the relationship goes on, the deeper you become ensnared. I have rules I live by when dating.
1. Never give more then I'm willing to lose.
2. Never let a relationship outweigh the love I have for myself.
If the relationship breaks those rules, I walk everytime.
It's worked for me. God bless. Good luck
I find that that the first step to healing is to give yourself permission to heal, instead of the alternative which is to hold on to the past, blame yourself and think you don't deserve better. I love this from today's episode “It's not just about the trust of the other, it's about that you have the right to set a boundary, and that's about trusting yourself.”
how do you learn to trust yourself and experiences, because im so afraid of being not self aware, and being that guy who actually IS toxic, and doesn’t listen. how to you discern a smear campaign from quality critique. the narc has left me confused with little to no self trust. but i don’t even want to give them that power. i blame myself for having no self trust. :/
I like the way you think. However, I will forever say the first step in healing is forgiveness
Why you don’t allow yourself time to heal you can make it worse by falling back in 🙌🏽
@@kenyaonkoba9713 Start with following through on promises you make to yourself. Small promises first and build up. Just my opinion.
I have taken my life back on one treat me that way again im a person not a thing I that should be treated better ! No,No one will ever do thimgs u did to me ever!
As an individual having experienced this. Believe her words 100%. Hats off to Lisa for covering on this topic. Really no one can understand this unless having experienced it.
I no this is crazy I'm experiencing it now he just discarded me I new I should of did it first but I couldn't then he left 😢the only bad thing is we have a baby together I no he did the best thing was leaving
I left my narc! Two days ago! 🙌🏽 This video is spot on because I used the anger as fuel and succeeded at leaving and securing my own life instead of spewing the anger or showing him he’d get to me. No turning back. No contact ‼️
Congratulations! It is hard but stick with it.
@@gingerreynolds2017 the peace of mind I have had the past week compared to the past 12 years is worth not looking back!!
@@QueenKS1012 Congrats, but depending on the type you had; watch your back cause the narc may set out to destroy any new relationships you have if they find out through other contacts. You might even know it’s being done.
@@blu_rey8656 definitely don’t put anything past him
It's a process. I regressed a few times before I actually got him out of my system. It's a strange experience breaking up with a narcissist .. he turned up at my place unannounced today:(
Dr. Ramani is the BEST. I just downloaded her new book.. “. It’s Not You”… Financially I am not in the place for therapy… Dr. Ramani is my therapist. Even if I wake up sad in the middle of the night. I will listen to her. It’s all about Self Love-Self Care…Remember we deserve to be treated with love and respect. It begins with US🥰
Literally me right now. Sad, middle of the night. 4th Dr Ramani video with 4 more in the queue
What website did you download her book?
To anyone seeking to have a successful relationship, whether it's the 1st, 2nd or 3rd, first deep dive into your own past, work out your own issues with your own self, face your own demons, your own traumas, your excess baggage you have been carrying from your family of origin, resolve all this first, and only then embark on a new relationship. Otherwise it's likely to end up the same way 🙏
Yes yes yes yes! So true
Amen!!!!
Yes..I totally agree. I was doing this when I met my ex. My mistake was not completely healing from every past hurt and ignoring all the bad signs from him. Time to do better next time around.
I 100% agree - being single, no sex or dating for a year, has been so empowering and liberating and I'm actually celebrating it with my friends in March - and I encourage my other friends to spend the time with themselves and find themselves after a relationship because I want to feel whole on my own and have better boundaries and feel safe and comfortable with them. It's really such a great feeling as scary as it is at first - if you've never been completely on your own - you need to do it so you can feel comfortable not to make compromises that hurt you for a relationship or safety. Best advice.
Correct.
LOVE THIS ❤️
It's a good standard to give yourself! Keep on keeping on, brother! We got this..
Bahahaha whatever
With years in isolation, i have no friends and I have also discovered my son is a narcissist and his father I was always the carer the fixer the joker I put myself last then he stole all the money from the sale of my house! my brother was a narcissist as was my father but we didn't have the knowledge back then I live in the UK in SomersetNow but because of their actions i am in second rate accommodation
Even when you are out of the relationship, your head is still in it, constantly ruminating, reliving it, waging war in your own head, fighting in your head, justifying why you left, trying to remember all the bad things that happened...yip, and mine was only a friendship, not even nearly as bad as most people who are married or have narc families. It's exhausting.
Same here. Took me more than two decades to figure it out and realize it was not my fault and THEY were the screwed up. I Just left…. Boom went no contact.
I'm doing all you describe but I feel so so grateful for finding Dr Ramani who showed me the way to save my soul! ❤️
Mine was just a course mates not even friends but their abuse is demonic I blocked them all
yup.
I’m going through that now. 4.5 years of being friends/lovers. From all the conversations we’ve had and the behaviors I’m starting to believe he is a covert narcissist but I’m not sure 100 percent. I care and love him as a friend now but I can’t just turn my back on him.
Heres your challenge, Dr. Rimini: Having spent 37 years in this type relationship, I believe this info should be taught in school, beginning in secondary, more intensively in high school. If you could develop a course for young people, the world would be a better place. Thank you for what you've taught me
I spent 26 years with a narcissistic mother who made my life hell. Deep depression forced me to pack up and move to another country. And from that I learned so much about myself. I definitely agree that anyone getting out of a toxic relationship needs to spend time with just themself. Yes it's lonely but it's also liberating at the same time, and you'll come out the best version of yourself.
💯💯👏🏽💯
👆👆👆👆👆
The user pointed above she’s a life saver. I’ve been married to a narcissist for more than 16 years anytime I want to live he acts like he has changed but every time things get worst until 24 years of marriage I couldn’t live because I do much loved him 😢. I started looking for a solution then I met GODDESS SEELAH which told me to not give up on him with her help now my narcissistic husband is like a baby 😂. Are you suffering from it?? Are you dating a narcissist?? Check out the user above she will help you. ✅..
it was not liberating to me and it is soul crushing to me to be alone all the time......
@@artsylady3187 I feel you
@@artsylady3187 I feel you
Dr Rameni saved me, I spent the first lockdown listening to her on youtube. My eyes were opened, finally I understood everything.
I left my narcissist, moved hundreds of miles away & created a new life for myself. Blocked him & all his associates on all platforms, so no hoovering opportunities were available to him.
Enjoying my freedom
Same..:: 70 days in!!!!!
Congratulations. Day 2 away!!! I listened to some programs on my iPad for the first time without having to wear earbuds, it was nice.
Same...38 days! I had the best Valentine's day by myself, I showered myself with self love all day!
Dr Ramini is a life saver! She’s helped me to forgive myself and to see things clearly, 20 years after leaving the relationship!
I finally understand and am still learning and having realisations with every video of hers that I watch! I love and feel so much gratitude for this Lady’s work and how she is sharing it with the world. 💗
Which videos you watched please? I need this. To forgive mysleft. I am ready to divorce.
@@klarach8590 watch as many as you have to to understand yourself. I’ve watched very many. It’s a process I’ve had to go through - very slowly it seems.
@@MissQuite thank you
Please never stop this conversation, I’ve been following Dr Ramani for years but the interaction you two have every time you speak takes her message to a whole new level! Thank you, both of you ❤
God placed this woman in my algorithm at the perfect time that I needed to educate myself about narcissists. I have been married to a narcissist for 12 years and I have been I great suffering since then. 😮💨😣😣 This sheds the light I needed during my darkest times. Thank you. 🙏🏽
❤️
I hope you are finding your path to peace. 🙏🏻
Jesus Christ is your Only Hope! Rest in his Love and peace! Call out to him and Ask him to reveal himself to you. Get a Bible and Start Reading in The Gospels and Especially the Gospel of John. Obey the Gospel Message and Get saved, then ask Jesus to lead you out of the trap of the Narcissist’s Control over your heart and emotions. He will give you wisdom and a Peace that surpasses understanding.🙏🙏🙏💕
❤
Bibi King, I suggest that you watch all of Dr Ramani's videos. It will all become clear in time. You will be free. Hugs.
My favorite point she made was the VERY important difference between being desired and cherished ❤️ Great episode 🙏
Loved that part. This video really is a life saver
I “abandoned” him over a year ago. I left our house with our son and the clothes on my back and started over. IT WAS difficult emotionally but it was worse to stay. It kept getting worse and more abusive especially if I stood up for myself. I HAD TO LEAVE, TO SURVIVE. Self compassion helped I am loving myself and seeing more and more how abusive he was the farther away from him I am. I’m LEARNING to have boundaries and self compassion lessons are being learned❤️
wow that must of been hard but you did it good fir you
I didddd it also..after 24 years and I ran AWAY from the toxic people...the cat was a issue..my sickness was a issue...The guy would watch movies in the office...not spend time with me...talk about private things behind other's back.my back...yell... screaming in the truck...what happens in the house stays in the house...no one will ever want you except for your body...The people who hurt me..knew I would be hurt if they hurt me and I saw the games, no respect for me, driving fast and knowing that I deal with Chronic pains..and said let go of the MONEY..when I see the games I want to run AWAY..my own son acted the same way..he was narc and this other person had zero and with my help he turned around and hurt me by taking money selling me a lemon that had ISSUES and Family member said give it back and he can resell it when it had ISSUES..My x was one. my daughter..my son..all the best to all but I am taking care of ME...it hurts me...real hard..He scream in my face terrible thing so much...I DNT like sneaky lier people..what happens in the dark will come out to the light..no one can mock Jeh and.
Yes Jennifer I felt your pain because I to have dealt with a narcissist for years and I did everything how they want things done and they still found fault in me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so unhappy on the inside. I also found out he talked about me like a dog to his family. I couldn’t stay with him another second. I left and moved to another state with my church and family. I am in the process of looking for a place. I am living with my niece and have never been happier. I will never go back and have to deal with emotional abuse again.
@@anais457 I’m proud of us!
Self compassion
I'm 62 and have gone no contact with my narc mother and narc sister. It is extremely painfulful and I mourn the people who they could have been, but I am never going to allow the people who they truly are hurt me again.
Because you’re in family you think you have to stayin relationship with them. I was married into a family mother-in-law sister-in-law abuse. Family full of narcissist. I’ve only been out three weeks and I’m 64. Started when I was 21. Don’t cast your pearls before swine.time to cut everyone off like you said that’s a protection and we’re not meant to be in a relationship with people that harm us.
I used to wonder why I had to meet my abusive ex. Why he had to tear me down so much that I felt I'd need years of therapy to recover. How is that fair? But recently I flipped the narrative to something more positive. I truly believe I met him because my entire life I have lacked boundaries. Last month it hit me: "how can I expect others to respect my boundaries if I don't honour them myself?" That revelation was huge for me and I feel like my life has completely changed since then. My (narcissistic) ex continues to harass me almost daily since our break up HALF A YEAR AGO. even tonight he is hounding me to call him. But I no longer respond. I don't need him to respect my boundaries... but I do know now that I am going to respect my boundaries and remain no contact. For my own sanity!!!! I have never felt so good. Been binging Dr Ramani for DAYS! Funny how this video just popped up. Knowledge is power in the course of healing
Love that. Yes!!!
Proud of you!! Block him.
Same, I feel like he was sent to me to finally make peace with my narc mother. I grew up saying " it's not me it's you", I was right!
Same, the narc in my life made me realise my mother is one. Suddenly my entire life made sense. Now I have zero tolerance for ANY nonsense.
Yes, it's not hurry up and heal. Take your time to heal. It was 9 years ago for me since the relationship, and I've been alone ever since. I didn't trust anyone and especially not myself for not falling for it again. But I have been in therapy and learning how to trust myself and others again and I now feel stronger and wiser than ever. Don't give up when you feel lost, you've been through something horrible. But you can do this. You got the courage!
Blessings Pauline! Hope you are living your best life 🙏🏼💖
I’m not even a quarter through the video and everything she has already said is so accurate 🙄
Yessssss!! Same. I'm relating to a lot of these comments. We got this yall! We're worth so much more ❤❤❤
The emotionally sadistic narcissist derives enjoyment from hurting someone. More than physical abuse, they are experts at manipulating people's emotions until they feel broken. They intimidate their partners to prevent them from expressing criticism or disapproval of their actions and decisions😔✨☘️🙏
AMEN WELL SAID
I had flashbacks and dissociation because of all the control (what I wore was part of it) and yelling at me. When I went places after leaving him, I had to tell myself “He’s not here now and he’s not yelling at me”. Good advice. It has taking me many years to get over his abuse. It sticks with a person. If someone tells you that it’s over, and just let it go, just remember they don’t understand.
I’ve never liked that phrase “you teach people how to treat you.” I’m so glad Dr. Romani discussed it in this video. For me, it has always had a dismissive victim blaming tone to it too.
My boyfriend was sick from cancer and medical complication for years and I never knew he was a narcissist before he passed away. I was under the impression that everyone gets screamed at in relationships until I met my current boyfriend a year ago. I still feel on my guard all the time, but it is so nice to finally settle into feeling safe and not being in trouble and criticised all the time. I wish I found the "stay single for a year" advice sooner and I definitely would have done that, but I got lucky with a sweetheart of a man. Dr. Ramani has really helped me work through a lot and I am very thankful for all of her work.
My ex also had health issues and is also a narc. I never got yelled at so much. I figured it was the disease but he's mean to everyone. He has no friends and I really think he just used me to go with him to the hospital and help him recover. He seems to only want women for sex and care.
these videos are literally keeping me alive and are saving me from spiralling down. it's been a year since I was discarded by a narcissist and the PTSD is real! I wish I new all this before. Thank you Lisa and Dr.Ramani for you are life savers xx
❤🩹
What she said about being alone for a while true but, fair warning once you learn to live on your own you’ll get addicted and avoid people.
This resonates with me, it’s quite true, I need people less and less. Love my own company. 💕
I’m addicted
It’s just pure bliss
Omg this is an amazingly accurate description of my healing process. :) I hope this video will make it to everyone who needs it. ❤️
My first step of getting out of the relationship was when I finally asked myself after putting all my energy into the relationship: Hey what about ME? What about MY needs / hurts?
Same Andrea. I've asked myself the same questions. I feel a sense of community with the people that relate to this video because it has been TOUGH in this type of relationship and so depressing. A lot of questioning yourself. This video was my saving grace, honestly. To feel validated and not insane... it's amazing ❤
Same for me when I realised I had a voice an opinion too. But they don’t like that one bit. Discarded after over 30 odd years off marriage been over 3 years now definitely in a much better place 🙏
I have a narcissistic mother who I walked away from 6 years ago and I struggle everyday. I've read books, watched podcasts, but I still suffer. I have peace, but I'm afraid of regretting my decision. I don't see my father or brother because of her either, I just couldn't stand the abuse anymore. I hope you all heal, it's definitely hard to recover or know what to do. My mom wouldn't go to therapy with me because she said there is nothing wrong with her and I'm the one who needs the therapy. She's so sick, but will never face it.
Don't feel regret cutting out the people that choose chaos in your life. I cut all of mine also including my only son. It was the best decision for me due to me being an empath. Find your tribe in other places. Facebook group's or friends help when your lacking that supportive person in your life.
So proud of you. I feel guilt to see my narcissistic mother once a week since she’s now dying of cancer.
@@AlonaBallardBuckeyeJeans u r there for her so u r a good person . it is hard.but dont let the guilt upset u bc u had to protect yourself to be as strong as you have become.
I had to double check that this wasn't a comment I had written.
A lovely woman who was a member of our community choir had always worn a sari. We heard that her husband had died and then she stopped wearing a sari and wore trousers. Someone asked about the change. She answered that because her husband had insisted she wear a long dress at all times, she had settled on wearing a sari because no one would ask her about it. Once he died, she looked so much happier and said she could now wear what she wanted to.
I love this! But what a shame she had to go through this ❤
I have been craving to wear perfume and white color without any anxiety. My only white dress is hanging there for ages😞 i left him 4 years back but came back due to social pressure and stigma of divorce. Back to the zero square.
@@shakilaasghar7486😢
@@shakilaasghar7486 You deserve better. You should be allowed to wear perfume and white. I know it’s hard but leave if you ever want to live a life on your own terms.
I love the advice for being single for 1 year. The solitude is ESSENTIAL! Because it takes time for you to realize you’re actually beautiful company, and it’s important to realize that you always have the power to do better for yourself by yourself ❤️
This woman has helped me immensely, cannot thank the universe enough for bringing her to us all 🙏
Agreeeeeeee
A saving angel ❤
I left a narcissist almost 2 years ago, this summer I'm taking my redemption tour to Europe to make new memories. My ex was not a good "travel buddy". I will most likely go alone, but meet friends while there. I like this idea of recontextualizing the places that hold "bad" memories.
It is such an amazing idea! Love it! You are going to have so much fun. The best part about travelling alone is that you dont have to compromise. You will be able to do whatever you want without someone pouting next to you. Total bliss! Have a great trip!
Beautiful Tiffany! May you experience the thrill of adventure, joy, and laughter - I’m imagining you and your inner child exploring Europe - no bullies allowed!!💜
fall in love with 'ROME' i did. The trevi ⛲ fountain, sistine chapel, spanish steps, Roman colosseum, Pont de Angeles to CastelSant'Angelo, st.Peter's square by via de reconciliacion, piazza navona, pantheon...
Have a great time! Traveling alone and meeting friends sounds perfect and very low pressure after what you went through. Take time to take pictures and savor the beauty around you. I hope to do something similar soon. :)
@@Violets14 me too was meant to do Europe last year but with Covid sad hopefully soon 🙏
Just hearing Dr. Ramani talking for an hour has settled my anxiety, and rise my intelligence and my sense of safety up a few knotchs. Thank you for hosting this conversation and for your testimony Lisa.
These talks rise the collective consciousness.
❤
I am in fourth year of healing and learned to love eating out alone,walks in the parks are so pleasant and I wake up feeling good each day. I had forgotten what I enjoyed doing and lived in the shadow of a man who I can see now never respected me at all. When you learn to love yourself , alone is not lonely. I can recognize the red flags now and pay attention to the energy and my gut feeling when I get around people like the narcissist I left. Knowledge and time alone was so necessary.
So true Marianne ,when I get that feeling around someone Im gone.
@38:16, I just sat and wept when she said you want to be cherished and that is missing in every narcissistic relationship. When I was in the middle of it, I didn't realize.
Doctor Ramani is doing such an excellent job. ♥️♥️♥️
her come up>
She is amazing...
Yes thank you before Doctor Ramani I would feel so embarrassed for getting terrified and reverting to a child like state. She is a good combination of smart and innocent.
It has been 12 months of no dating, just being with myself since the complete breakup. When I say complete breakup, I mean, I discovered the complete cut of all games, hope and trauma bonding 12 months ago.
And to be honest, I want to do another 12 months. The inner evolution I have experienced was so good, I want to go even deeper for a full 24 months ❤️❤️ (it was an 8 year relationship)
You are amazing! Thank you for sharing this
8 years for me too. 6 weeks no contact. Know the hoover is coming, this time I'm educated and clear that it's abuse.
After getting out of a narcissistic relationship I can say this video is completely accurate of what it’s like, you have to stay strong.
Sharp
Ladies, such great info. I was financially destroyed. Bankruptcy next month and no where to go. No family, no good job. Can you please cover this. Everyone advises movec on but what if they robbed you of your inheritance and forced you into Bankruptcy and homelessness? We need this talk as soon as possible. Lots of love ❤ 😍 💖
Unfortunately, I can relate. 😞
Someone told me a long time ago. "Desperate people do desperate things in desperate situations!" I clung to those words, and when I was ready to break free and continue life, I did. It's possible. I got a job, looked for shelters, food and water on a daily basis, sleeping in my auto, bathing in the dark. Until I got some paychecks and found an apartment. First night in my apartment, I spent it thanking God for all His Blessings. I slept on the floor. I don't advise anyone to do this, unless they don't have a choice. It was hard but worth it.
Exact same thing happened to me. It's horrible. He told me to walk to a shelter. Next day, he discarded all of my personal property. I slept outside for 40 nights - on the ground. Finally asked for help, found a job and an apartment. Few people understand how they make false promises, you keep trusting them and then when they see nothing else to gain from you, they throw you away like trash. You are not alone. It's called coercive control and there needs to be laws against this. I realize my only option is to go through the courts to recover the money and property he stole from me.
My parents left me destitute...I bought my first car at 16 for 150 dollars..and lived in it...at my place of work....I later became a real estate investor...and am successful....it can be done good luck...t
This happened to me 10 years ago, a much needed discussion, indeed. Blessings 🙏
These types of videos in addition to therapy, have helped me heal from an abusive relationship that almost drove me to suicide around spring 2021. I've found myself again and it's like a whole different reality.
This woman need to get some kind of an award because she is saving generations of people.
💚🤗
That’s amazing to hear … I have contemplated those thoughts before what saved me everyday would be my children … but I had to leave and I’m working on healing away from my children’s father …it’s only been a week but I’m not EVER going back !!
I feel taking time to learn who you are, allow yourself to get to know you again and be kind to yourself.
I can vouch that this works after over 20 years of being in an abusive narcissist relationship.
It's just over 2 years of being by myself and I'm really still coming out my shell and learning its okay to be me and I can do it safely.
Glad to hear that!😀❤
My vulnerable narcissist ex husband who used to beat me regularly used to use the phrase "you teach people how to treat you" as an excuse to blame me for the abuse. He told me I had it coming because I taught him to abuse me like that.. by being "abusable" I guess? I appreciate Dr Ramani for pointing out the dangers of that phrase
This is very common for the perpetrators of violence to blame the victim ,even while they are beating the victim!!!
Thank you for sharing the abuse you didn’t ask for. Narcs are never accountable.
Oh my god 😢
My best wishes to you for coming out of this. I hope you are able to live your best life now onwards. ❤️❤️
Please heal, you never let a man or a woman put hands on you, you have low self-esteem
"Revenge is you get the CAT you always wanted" YES!!! thank, you!!!
And my beautiful Standard Poodles get to sleep in my room in the house 🏠I own.
I get to set the air-conditioning at the temperature I want!
Awe so true lol
I left my Narc family and reaching out to my friends and families only shattered my heart further. Everyone, literally abandoned me.
I'm sorry to hear that
I lost everything too. Don’t give up, wait it out and build yourself up. There are people who will love you and recognize your amazingness. Also, some of the people I lost eventually saw the truth and came back into my life very sorry for getting duped by the narc. God will restore your life. Keep your circle small. Be willing to make safe friendships. I’m 54 and I have been adopted into a wonderful family who truly loves me just the way I am. Believe in yourself and put the effort you used to put on to the narc into yourself and others who receive your positive energy. Throw off all the gaslighting you’ve heard for years from those who only want to use you as a source and a scapegoat. You are wonderful and worthy!! Absolutely have boundaries as high as the wall of China toward questionable people. There’s always a great set of people out there that we can allow in our lives. Find those people, there are healthy, lovely people out there. A barista, a store clerk, a bank teller, a client, a child, etc. look around your daily life and start showing kindness and it will be returned and it is so healing. Also it’s better to get “rejected “ by a stranger than to give people so many chances and then get rejected. We don’t have to feel like we’re missing out on someone because there are lines of people who are worth it. I’ve found that a lot of people I had thought were quirky, the wrong age, wrong religion, status, etc. weren’t my type of people. But “misfits” have been the best and most empathetic people I’ve had the pleasure to get to know. And I’m proud to be a unique misfit myself. Love people and they will return the love. But drop the red flag people immediately before you attach in any way. Never fear those upfront tough choices. If you are wrong to avoid someone be aware that it’s up to them to prove you were wrong if they care enough. Build some close friendships first before looking for love. Friends will always be there with you through all your efforts to find love, if you only look for a good lover you will not have anyone to support you when those relationships don’t work out. Just my experience. ❤
Same
Yeah family is the worst ive been dealing with it too it's very hard.
@@paulcooper5748 Same here. I'm grateful to be clearing out all of these people (even though it hurts) because I can use this space for people who love me. You will make it too. Keep going❤
I’d never thought I would have a hero in my adult years, but it turns out that I do. It’s Dr. Ramani! Thank you so much.
The urge to get revenge is so strong. It’s the hardest part! Also, I think it’s difficult when you leave a narcissist because you often lose friends and acquaintances, and your legacy gets to be written by the narc.
Now I pray psalm 35 and 36 against them. It is comforting to know they will have to give an account to God for every vile word and deed.
Your legacy will not be written by the narc. Most people will know it’s phony and most people including these friends you speak of will see the truth if they don’t already know it. From the moment you leave the narcissist and start a new life you have just changed your legacy to something far better than you had before. I understand that urge for revenge - big time! but that urge will continue to diminish as you live on without them. Remember the best revenge is truly living your own life a good life. The narcissist knows that you dumped them and have no use for them and it kills them! So focus on your own future. And yes they will still have to face karma in the end. I wish you the best, you can do it!🙏🏽🥰
+Dana Williams thank you for your words. I needed to hear that.
Yes love bombing devalue discard smear campaign flying monkeys. These people are so predictable.
It’s terrible. That is why they need to have a special place in hell!
EXACTLY, Dr. Ramani. I was taught to know narcissistic love throughout my whole childhood, so that’s why I unknowingly sought out narcissists for partners as an adult. I did it until it nearly killed me, I got into therapy, and my therapist directed me to you. Then I learned. I’ll never go back to the way it was. I have boundaries now, confidence, self worth. I am no longer narc bait. Thank you for helping to save my life! ❤️❤️❤️
Jess,You don't need a narcissist in your life....
Limerance plays a massive part in being magnetically drawn to toxic people, too, for me. Thank you so much for this. I’m getting much better at identifying unhealthy relationships and getting out of them, and am actively taking steps to get out of the unhappy relationship I’ve been in for 15 years, though the stress feels like it’s killing me. I just want to be alone and dream of living in a tent in the middle of a field. What I’ve learned, which seems obvious to those who haven’t been through this, is that nothing in your life is going to work / grow when your environment is poison. I’ve gone from being romantic, passionate and sociable to feeling constantly deflated, totally isolated, angry and reactive. Before I die I just want to experience some peace and pure happiness which I know I’m capable of feeling.
I can relate to that. It becomes worse for me when I can't help but be reactive and defensive with the people who actually love me. It feels hope less at times because I isolate myself from new people out of fear of what they can do to me, and I isolate myself from loved ones out of the fear of what I can do to them. Living alone feels like the only peaceful option.
I hope you get your tent in the field on a meadow on a mountain with a stream nearby.
I relate fully to this
I celebrate every day knowing that I am free and thanks to people like Dr. Ramani, I have learned how to spot the wolves and protect myself! I know that I can trust myself and my instincts…I won’t allow anyone to gaslight me ever again.
Lol, my dream is to be alone (with food being delivered) for a full year. No one talking to me, bothering me, no one else's needs but my own. I totally understand wanting to be in a tent in a field.
Zero contact with unhealthy people.
I remember the first time I experienced an honest conversation about me and my narc's relationship, and my brain seemed so confused that my narc didn't jump out from somewhere and start gaslighting me immediately.
My therapist just casually stated some obvious fact about the relationship, and I just sat there like "you just said that like there are no consequences. Like that's something you can just say without immediately being belittled and devalued". It felt so strange. That I was allowed to believe in and think about the truth of the reality.
I love Dr. Ramani. I spent my life loving others and neglecting myself when I should have done the opposite.. every time I hear her I get a piece of myself back. God bless you
Ramani’s advice to wait at least a year after leaving a relationship with your ex is gold. My narc was my parent. It took me 8 years after leaving to KIND OF figure out who I am. Still working through trust issues and codependency. But having hobbies that are unique to me, without thinking if my parent (or ex) would have approved, feels very freeing. You don’t realize how much of you isn’t you until you get out. Not that having shared interests are bad, but feeling shame for liking something they don’t? Red flag. Getting ridiculed for liking something they don’t? Burning bush.
Not seeing, calling is the easy part. The hardest part, for me, has been to not contact them in my mind and in my heart. I have had to forbid myself from saying her name, because it makes it"real" for awhile. All transgressions are forgiven and a better life is possible No contact means NONE Thanks for your work
When she gets into your brain, put her out by thinking of a dancing clown.
Oh !! I just realized I do this ! I carry on conversations in my head with him all day. What a wake up call. And now that I'm aware of it I can stop it
"This is like saying to the person who got punched in the face, well, does your face really need to be in the way?" 19:26 "The world of mental health is not serving...people...going through narcissitic abuse well...we put all the responsibility on (them) and they are already blaming themselves...the abuser is the one behaving badly." 18:25 "You mistrust your own judgment...and you tend to overcorrect...that's fine." 43:50. Thank you.
I decided (against the urging of all my friends) to commit to solitude for at least a year after my divorce. It was the best decision I ever made. Now it’s been two and a half years, and I am continuing to heal. I won’t consider dating until I feel whole. Interestingly, there were a lot of men who asked me out at first, when I was the most wounded. Those type of men no longer approach me.
Well,"those types of men "are intimidated
by strong women.
SAME! It was like they could smell blood in the water when I was fresh out. My ex Narc hunted down a young, single mother recently divorced. Predators...
Totally experienced the same thing as a man. I knew I had healed a lot when I attracted women who were whole and independent.
@@missminti Do you almost want to warn her? Makes me sad to think about divorcing then getting into a relationship with a narcissistic person. I wish she had taken time for herself to heal.
keep to yourself love
"Give myself the permission to leave". That was so impactful. So small but so massive at the same time. We don't have to sit and take what doesn't feel good. Both in smaller situations and the bigger picture in relationships as well.