I went to dinner with my soon to be ex husband. He picked me up, drove to the restaurant he held my hand walking up the hill. Got seated started to talk, he asked me if i was going to change the ways. I told him i wasnt going to change. He got enraged and said lets go. Went to the car, drove away like a maniact. Driving crazy,speeding, telling people i was crazy. He has my daughter believing im crazy. I left 3 months ago, my adult kids i losst it. What do i do?
I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, and having watched this video I'm beginning to understand how its outward appearance can be mistaken for narcissism; the motives are entirely different, there is no intent to punish, hurt, but the need for escape, the silent periods, the difficulty in being attentive, in fact, many of the behaviours that are covered in this video, could easily be misinterpreted by anyone who thinks Avoidant Personality Disorder is trivial, that it is easy to control, when, in fact, it can be global, as it is in my case, I meet all seven criteria, have done since childhood. My internal turmoil is actually worsening BECAUSE I'm being branded a narcissist, so I totally agree with every point made in this video, there is nothing tacky about this analysis, but at the same time, it is distressing to discover why I am so misunderstood, knowing there is nothing I can do to correct that perception, which makes me feel worse than ever about myself!
They hate life with the self when we separate our'SELF. EVERYONE learns IT in their OWN way s. 🌟✨️🐎✨️🔥🎁🕊 IT does have to be painful in order to break free. IT might even be a painful truth inside self. Its ok. Bless'ed BE..❤🎉
Especially when their incarcerated & yall were tryna to fix it but it’s always seems like you weren’t enough.. I’m happy I found this video ! Now I know what he is but I still don’t know what I am … engaging into that energy then being okay with having a very bipolar relationship at a young age , trying to “hold him down “ at17 for 10years .
EXACTLY, where I am at NOW, and I’m working on GETTING OUT! Been living with a nasty roommate my whole married life’s and I just turned 56. Sad to realize how much time I’ve WASTED WITH HIM NOT LIVING MY BEST LIFE, no intimacy, no support, just faked everything to make it look like HE HAS THE PERFECT LIFE- Now it’s my turn and I am getting out to FINALLY HAVE PEACE & ENJOY what is left of MY LIFE!! After raising and giving everything I had emotionally/physically to my 3 kids that are (now grown adults 26, 22 20) and putting myself so last for all those years… Thank you so much Dr. Ramani - I’ve been listening for last 5 years and now I am focusing on my plan to GET OUT & BE FREE to live what’s left of my life HAPPY PEACEFUL & NO MORE EMOTIONAL ABUSE- just trying to Be Careful and STAY SAFE FROM HIM! It’s been a long time coming, trying to make sure I have anything important to me SAFELY OUT OF THE HOUSE… Electronic Sweep - Get a burner phone, important documents, been organizing details for years (voice recordings) & trying to plan for all the Secret Prep to get out ~ You have been Such A Key Clarifying and Calming Force - playing it out is so important!! “Sleeping with the Enemy” has hit home for me since that movie came out.
Yeah, that's kinda where I'm at rn. It's my parents so I'm still staying in minimal contact so if they have a real need that I can help with. I still care about them and wish things were in a healthier place for us both but I had to keep going on my healing journey moving forward without them. I actively invited them to do any type of introspection or any type of ownership of the behaviors over the past 5 years but there was either saying it's not a big deal or simply saying they don't remember or even better that I'm the one making up stuff. It really creams my corn sometimes but now that I'm minimal with them, I don't have to deal with that as much. My siblings have tried to get me to "just go back to the way things were" but they don't realize the emotional energy it took to carry that load all the time (actually they really do know, they just prefer that I deal with 90% of it so they can only carry a little of the load and live their lives). My mom especially is still trying to hold it all in hoping I'll come back to do her emotional work for her soon but it's starting to back up so much that it's starting to leak out accidently, my siblings can't handle even the little bit leaking and want me to "come back because you always dealt with them better". I didn't deal with it better, it took it's toll but my empathy kept me coming back for more. At one point I actually thought that's what a normal parent/adult child relationship was like. When I finally figured out that they were only disrespecting me and treating me poorly and treating my siblings way nicer, I realized they were just using my compassion to manipulate me into doing their emotional regulation for them so they didn't have to do it themselves. Now, I finally realized my parents are really okay, they have plenty of money for food, shelter, access to medical care, company from others, and they can still travel (which they do frequently). I can back down and just let everyone else pick up the nastiness parts forward. Of course, my mother already started a new smear campaign about how I'm being held hostage by my spouse or something just because I refused to share anything about my personal life anymore during my monthly check up on them calls....craziness. Spouse and I are actually kind of enjoying the drama free days in a row that we get and it's actually kinda nice. I feel this persons comment about when you don't share good or bad what's the point, but I still feel a duty to honor my parents by at least checking up and making sure they are okay. Not gonna engage in the drama anymore but making sure they are okay is I think fulfilling enough to be considered honoring and respecting them in their old age. Continuing to work on learning healthy boundaries with my growing kids so I can try to break this unhealthy cycle within the women of my family. Lots of love to all those out their suffering....we are not alone.
@tacocat510 wow, well said. You have a lot of insight and it's inspiring to see you taking a stand about caring for you and your own immediate family, instead of letting the family of origin keep using and abusing you. (Sometimes I have felt so fed up with being strong and gracious in the face of crazy attacks- though I feel my approach is good enough and healthy).
Sharing your wounds with anyone who has no or little emotional depth is risky. Best to keep wounds to oneself and work on them with a qualified professional OR someone who has proven that they love you unconditionally ( rare).
The reason why they have these traits in the first place is because they don't know how to sit with feelings such as shame and guilt, they feel that that reflects on themselves as individuals and it's so deep that they don't even consciously see this. So they refused to take any accountability for anything. If it's something that could cause them shame or guilt, count on them blame-shifting immediately and gaslighting and they will throw massive Tantrums if faced with reality
My sister told me that she didn’t like the person I had become when I told her I was no longer willing to tolerate her toxic behaviour. My response was “that’s ok, I like who I am and that’s all I’m worried about” She rolled her eyes and walked off. We no longer talk 😊
Good for you. I’m in therapy and I’m the process of doing so with my brother. I could have walked away more elegantly. But it wasn’t the wrong thing to do.
"Just because you FEEL guilty does not mean you ARE guilty." I use this phrase to remind myself that I'm allowed to make my own decisions even when others do not approve or agree.
You’re allowed to make your own mistakes and learn from them too! No one is perfect and the stupid monsters who destroy and decompose our lives have no grounds to stand on when it comes to making mistakes. How would we grow if we never made a mistake? We’d actually never do anything for fear of doing it wrong. My motto has been my whole life “You live and you learn” because life is all about learning and growing and building a good environment for us to be happy. There’s no reason to be angry even when you’re as poor as I am. I’m so poor ten dollars is a lot to me, but my life isn’t unhappy because I don’t let the evil monster win anymore. He took everything from me in every way possible and he still couldn’t completely break me. He’s so angry all the time but this fact makes him furious.
Yes I do. I have to click "Like" as soon as I start a video so that I know in the future whether I have seen the video already by looking at the "like" button. 😂😂
Yes, but I don't worry about it. It takes an exceptional memory to keep across that level of detail - which I used to have, but covid, head injury and age didn't help.
Just watched a neurologist speak about the power of trauma to affect memory loss/blocking out - apparently it's a protective mechanism our beautiful brains help us out with ❤️🩹
Short-term memory loss is a symptom of PTSD/CPTSD, so yes. It’s also easy to forget things if we don’t revisit them/process them. For example, this info can’t “digest” if you put more info on top. We haven’t been taught enough about quiet contemplation, but this is why silence while driving or out in nature is good.. allows thoughts to process and get stored into longer term memeory or discarded, as you/your brain sees fit.
Been there! For anyone else in a similar situation & with children... you can do it, it is hard and sometimes it gets harder but it's worth it! There is a better life. ❤
"You made me feel bad by feeling bad about the bad thing I did." Oof, slap. AKA: "I don't want you to resent me for doing things you don't like. I'm still gonna do them, but you're not allowed to dislike it."
This is the exact reason why I was able to be in an abusive relationship for so long bc my father and grandmother esp GMA would make me feel bad for feeling angry about something they did so when my GMA noticed my anger she would immediately switch to crying and pity plays that would disarm me. My dad didn’t as much do it to me, but I saw him do it to my mom whenever she’d try to leave.
… it’s sadistic… it’s patronising… it’s mocking… it’s sarcastic… it’s mean… they just don’t know how to be nice. They’re hopeless, really. Just imagine what it’s like being inside their heads. Must be complete chaos.
Knowing that he will treat every woman the same way he treated me is my greatest comfort and knowing that he got one of his supplies pregnant at his age (59) and went to prison for DV on me is really the cherry on top....bless his heart 🖤
I gave up my 86 acres to get away from my extreme and abusive narcissist. I've never been so happy in my life!!! Property can be gotten again. My life is awesomely wonderful!!! Remove yourself. You'll be so, so happy. It will be very difficult in the beginning, but well worth it. Don't worry, be happy. It will happen for you. God is on your side. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
@@johnnywriightKeep God first. Pray, pray, pray. God will be your shield. God can heal your wife. Most times narcissist have demons and the Lord can rebuke. Ask God to heal her and truly have faith that he will. Teach your son about God. God will carry you through this.
Sometimes God has so much love for us, when he sees the pain a narcissist inflicts on us, he’ll make sure we get out. Even if it was their idea. I feel so relieved, I actually feel guilty about it ..
If all this information had been available 20 years ago, my God, how many people would have been spared this bitter experience. The narcissist is a pathological liar and manipulator, this woman is a genius on the subject. Thank you! 😊
My experience is that even when you try to do everything the narcissist wants, they change what it is that they want. That realization was what catapulted me to make changes and eventually leave.
It requires a great deal of energy to keep up, I note. The Narcissist doesn't know who they are, what their needs are, no insight into anything! In fact, one admitted to me that the way my son was dealing with his issues was to be abusive. She was projecting her own qualities onto my son.
They are eternally (at least in this life) dissatisfied so nothing you do for them will ever be/could ever be good enough. They hurt (others) because they are hurt but we can’t heal their internal damage. We need to look to our own well-being because you can’t drink from an empty cup 💜
Yes!! For a whole year I did everything my in-laws always complained I didn't do (visit weekly, never cancel, etc) and guess what? They still dislike me and found new things I do wrong 😂😂
Not necessarily...they probably tried to tell u about that person from the start...the only way for u to get out is for them to leave u by yourself with that person SO U CAN SEE IT FOR YOURSELF...I guarantee if they love u they just waiting for u to make the choice because even though we end up being the victims we also end up using the people that we love for that person just to keep going back to that person...people are not going to keep trying to help u and changing their lives to help u if u aren't serious...trust me i know 100% and i don't blame them and i didnt do it on purpose but that IS WHAT HAPPENS!! Listen to me please, how else but to show u than to leave u all alone with them...that is the ONLY WAY 4 U TO SEE!! 🤗
@@lala5061I ended up begging for help getting out and went completely ignored until my ex reached out to my dad and asked him to get me out. That’s when I was finally believed.
For every person who is in a tough situation with a highly difficult individual.. my thoughts and prayers are with you. I do understand how very difficult the manipulations can be.
Thank you. Sometimes I wonder if this a test of my faith. I pray that God will not me descend into an evil level of retaliation with this person. Please Jesus let me not return unkindness with unkindness
I thought I was going too die, one day I got down on my knees begging god to come and get me , i went to woman aid for advice then I started to educate myself on narc abuse that was a turning point for me, the best decision I've ever made the narc doesn't bother me anymore, I focused on myself healing, that was a few years ago me now am loving life now, education saved myself. As for the narc and his flying monkey's they're in a very bad way they're world is falling apart, never give a narc access to you..
I remember when I told my narcissistic ex that I got approved for the house that I found for us. I was so excited like jumping up and down. He just came in the room and asked me why I was making so much noise. I told I got approved and he gave me a THUMBS UP and rolled his eyes. I knew than something was wrong. I had no idea what a narcissist was. I just thought it was jealousy and misery
Oh, never show your joy or happiness to them... I learnt that when I was a little girl. They get awfully envious of your joy. They are deeply unhappy inside and frustrated and can't stand that. Mostly unaware of this, obviously.
That gesture right there, the thumbs up, my ex used to give me when I start to talk excitingly about something. It would just shut me down and my mind goes blank, I freeze, It feels bad but at the same time I don't know what to do or say. so I would just walk away feeling sad. Later, he would come and talk to me like NOTHING happened at all!!
@@aichaakachab2451Oh .. this little sign must seem ugly to you all the time. I just gave to you my thumbs up with a very different feeling: it's from my heart ♡ to your heart ♡ .
@@aichaakachab2451 Yep, and don’t you dare show passion or conviction in anything or you’ll get hit with the dismissive “Ok, ok, calm down it’s not that serious.” All the while not so much as a mear glance in your direction
My covert of 43 years got sooo mad at me for not "complying" after a sad incident with a visit from our adult son. After son left I was sad about the incident and just wanted alone time. Narc had other "ideas" and kicked me out for not "complying ". I got a hotel room and eventually my apartment. He has tried getting me back home but after 43 years of absolute weirdness I can't stomach another bout of that insanity. Doing the best I can with what I have and GOD. Toro toro toro❤❤❤
I get this. My narcissist is my dad; he expects my absolute compliance to his unreasonable expectations(demands) and gets irritated because I don't "comply" Too bad for him!
Yay You, me too! Was in 27 years, called them out, paid like heck for that. Now I am living My Life. Finding my feet again and letting go, out 5 years now. In Trauma counseling, and never been more grateful in my life... PRICELESS ❤🎉
My mother & my ex husband is narcissist and imagine my mother in law is the head of the whole clang a covert narcissist. These people are cult vampires and stole my law businesses , my money, my children
Yeah the weirdness n insanity ..when we finally see this it's like your lighter n have joy again..they steal or Joy because they have none of their own😢
I never talked about anything emotional with my narc in 13 years. Believe it or not. It didn't matter they'll make up their own scenario and stalk you till THEY die.
So true, I never mentioned anything negative about my mom, she passed a year before my ex and I met and married. He did not know her. After 11yrs of silent treatments, abuse, I finally divorced him. Months later, He texted me one night horrible things “you turned out just like your mom a user” hi was shocked. My mom worked entire life after dad died she raised 6 kids with no govt help. Divorcing a narc especially if you have kids with them, it’s never a final divorce. They seek to destroy you for leaving. It gets worse, but your day to day life is more peaceful
@@blessedhealthy Thank you, I appreciate it. It would likely work against my dad I'd he tried to retaliate, since he couldn't hide his Altzheimers for long. I just am obsessing about him playing the victim act, and what people think of me (he's "sympathetic" and convincing). We only live a mile apart, and in a smallish 40k population community. Word travels fast.
My narcissist puts me down in a subtle way, NOT in the obvious sing-song tone. This makes it harder for me to spot the insults, but he does it every time we are together. If I DO question what he said, he gaslights me by saying he didn't mean it that way. Emotionally, he is always in the dominant, control position. I understand this to be his severe abandonment issues. I am always slightly nervous around him, but if I pull away he hoovers me back: so sweet, gentle, never says those minimising things, and actually compliments me and is affectionate. Once I am hooked, he goes cold, distant and the veiled insults return. I have just ended our relationship. I miss him, I am doubting myself - but my own Messenger messages to myself over the years are an incredible "ick list".
Please run! Block him. He will never treat you right. They are abusive people with no empathy. He doesn't care about your feelings . None of them do. I delt with this . Joked about my appearance . It chipped away at my self esteem and eventually broke me. I don't know if you ever want to experience the true pain of what they are capable of. They won't care about hurting you. Please run don't look back you deserve a healthy relationship
Narcissistic also will lie about abuse or abandonment issues they suffered growing up and that’s why they do this or that. they are easily offended, don’t like rules or someone to tell them what to do, basically a difficult child, grows up to be a difficult adult. They blow things out of proportion to play victim. In their mind it’s their parents fault or a first love. Don’t keep rescuing him or someone will need to rescue you. They slowly kill your health each day. Agree block. There’s plenty of people who have been abandoned dealt with it, got healed and don’t treat their partners hot or cold. Take ‘em or leave him. I agree block
Dr. Ramani is my favorite. I can't find a local therapist who even recognizes narcissism as a real issue in my small town area. But listening to her is super super helpful. Thank you to you both of these women! 💕
I've been in and out of hospitals due depression. Went trough many counseling sessions over the past 10 years. Only now when I watched this video do I realize that I'm married to a narcissist. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me😭I've been told how immature I am and I ended up believe it. Thank you Lisa for this Video.
Definitely no remorse, no empathy, never! About 4 years ago, being in severe depression and on the edge of developing anorexia, I finally opened up to my mom about the pain in my childhood from her abandonment, emotional and physical abuse. She told me she was shocked and upset to hear that and she needed time to digest everything and she just left my house. She has never mentioned that again as if nothing ever happened. She has no interest to know how I felt or what exactly happened to me. Then I went no contact (or minimum contact). Thanks to Dr Ramani’s channel I learned about narcissists and everything cleared up for me. I finally started to heal. Radical acceptance is key.
My dad is the narcissist, and he blamed me, that "you misunderstood what I said/did" and that I had to apologize to him(I did, just to shut him up , I didn't mean the apology, nor will I, ever)and take the blame. It's all his fault. If he pulls it again, I will tell him that his version of "get with the program" is hugely wrong. and that he needs to grow up and shut the hell up. I did nothing to bring on any of the abuse. He's mistaken.
When tried to bring up something he said that hurt me when I was younger, he got up and left my place. After my dad passed, I brought something up to my mom that had hurt me when I was 14 yo, she blamed my dad, and she became the victim and started to cry. Nothing was ever discussed.
When you know what you are dealing with the situation becomes easier to control and digest. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, you really are a life changer (for the better)❤
After 5 exhausting years I now finally understand what's going on and am planning my departure. Only last night, as we were walking out the door to go out for the evening I was asked why I was never able to see things from anyone else's point of view. It was so absurd it was laughable, given our relationship, but It suddenly dawned on me how often he would pick a fight a few minutes before leaving the house just to upset me. Once you understand what you're dealing with it, it all starts falling into place, so many thanks to all the therapists who share their expertise and help us all.
Spooky. Literally the same happened to me last night. I was stupid enough to get into that conversation. It cost me 2 hours of pointless difficult conversation and a sleepless night.
I would LOVE!! A video on the fact that narcissists utilize the fact of doing all their abuse and cruelty behind closed doors… no one else has witnessed it except you.. and they deny it and even in therapy dance around the subject..the absolute best thing to do is GET AWAY from them leave them to their destinies
Damned right!! Always behind closed doors! I tried to control it by meeting in public, since the thing they covet most, is their facade. Everyone believes my dad, but finally his part-time healthcare worker saw his tantrum: him throwing a can of beans at her and screaming when she merely mentioned a helpful hint. But still, the scales tip his way. This is hell on earth.
@@CactusGal yep…! I totally understand your feelings of helplessness at their false ways!! But essentially they will be the ones to suffer from their behavior.. not us
I left my family and went no contact for mostly 40 years and was prompted to return to the family for my youngest son as he had no relatives left on my husband's side. We had limited contact and I could deal with it. My husband died 7years ago and recently my home was no longer available to me I have to move I had no where to go and now I am going to be living with my parents and I am not going to be able to make it work. I cried and cried and I felt like I was going to die. I had a lot to do and when I was packing up I was told I could only take a few things I was told there was no room for my things I had 2freezers full of food and when I found out that it was all spoiled my cairn terrier was frozen waiting for taxidermy and I was the bad one for being upset and I was told that I had to go I mean I was back in my childhood all of them against me. I left because my father sexually abused and never got believed then and still not believed I now think that my mom is a narcissist. Even though she was all about I had to go I caused her to feel stressed out and she didn't want to want to put up with my behavior I was upset about the way I was treated how dare I be so ungrateful I was just upset with a unreplacible thing my dog I was the bad one my animals had been left behind and they didn't have any problem with it and I was just trying to get them with me my mother gave me the money and her car to go get my animals I am now at my house and see how much I left behind and I can't fit NY animals and my stuff I was supposed to be back the next day and I am still here and I have not heard from them and I don't want to go back to the thing I was so happy to leave I saw so much more that I was good they want me stranded and the more I lable to make more sense of my life and I see the reality of the future for me is not good they want to destroy me and I am not going to be able to make it work I will have nothing and they will never be supportive only saying I am ungrateful as they roun my belongings and find my goals as bad for them I don't know what I am going to do but I am not going to back to the abuse my stuff is now 8hours away and I have no way to get it back to me and no where to go so I might be a suicidestory soon but it beats the life they have for me
Don't make the mistake of sharing your traumas to the narcissist. They will use it against you or to manipulate you, sometimes the same day you shared it with them. No shame to them as long as it hurts you and puts you in your place
I gave him results I have ADHD and he immediately starting making fun of me and I told my sister and she thought it was funny. I think my sister has NPD or high Narc traits and somebody in my family is a narc either my mom and dad they both suck so idk who it is.
Yes that was what happened when I shared with my daughter n law. I then according to her needed constant therapy and could not be around my grandson until I got it. Keep in mind I am a therapist and can easily see that she is a textbook therapist
I think my narcissist boyfriend is trying to talk to my best friend behind my back but I'm not certain and it's driving me nuts! She acts like she hates him but I still don't trust her she has a history of getting with two of my ex's. What do I do in this situation?
DO NOT TRY TO TEACH A NARCISSIST OR NARCISSISTIC PARTNER ABOUT THERAPEUTIC TECHNIQUES ETC.. 😩 I tried to tell my boyfriend about boundaries in relation to me needing them for him (which he ignores anyways of course) and now he uses that as a way to argue with me. Anytime I have a problem with something he says “well this is my boundary” and uses that as a circular reasoning tactic. He’ll take things I say all the time to defend myself and use them against me.
You now know he will use what ever you try to make the relationship better and turn it in a control issue ,stop sharing what know ,stop sharing period and if your willing and able walk away ❤.
Hahaha!!! They are very clever!! So he’s weaponising your request for boundaries and using it against you to shut you down!!😂 Tell him if he doesn’t like the drama, to stop creating it by being so childishly manipulative
Verbal abuse is a mind rape. Takes much longer to recover from then physical abuse. Verbally narcissist is able to hypnotize you into a single mass fantasy.
@@michelevarady6071 my heart goes out to you! I heard somewhere that narcissists don’t have relationships they have hostages. It can take a long time to detangle from them and get free but it’s possible!!!
My husband said he was “all out of empathy” when I asked him about his affair while I was undergoing cancer treatment. He had no apparent concern at that moment. I don’t think he wanted me dead-we had a 9 yr old & a teenager-but he was so consumed by lust, he really didn’t feel anything. Moment of hard cold truth.
@@Guidancewithgrace777I am over here hoping you are NOT with this guy. I don't care what vows you took. They are in vain if you are with a narc. They are not supposed to reap the benefits of marriage. Please stop this. You are abusing yourself and to be quite frank I'm sick of people forgiving and giving their body and love to the undeserving. It has to STOP.
Once tell a narcissist something terrible I was going through and I was surprised I could see in there face that they could not contain the joy of hearing my suffering. Their eyes became wide and big and I could see the smile and expectation to hear more of my demise. Their reaction was so shocking!
Yes You're not lying That's my mother I'm 42 lived in apartments my whole life my landlord threatened for me to get out ask him to fix stuff and he didn't want to told me to get out Long story short I end up finding a nice house and she came over turned her nose up looked around and said I thought you would never live in a house almost if like she was upset that I got one or I didn't deserve to live there when I thought she would be happy for me😢
My ex actually laughed! The only time he came alive and animated was when something horrible happened to me. 3 years of hell and I suddenly said I was already feeling suicidal and wanted to kill myself, his answer was: "maybe you should". He meant it. My brain and body and spirit went into shock. I just left him two weeks ago. I have a lot of work to do for my recovery but wow I'm so happy I finally left!🙏
I am determined to not engage with my ex boyfriend who is a total narcissist. 2024 is going to be a better, happier year for me without this RAT who I kept thinking would finally change. Thank you so much Dr. R for these talks.
@@mandi.monroe he kept coming to my door, after I told him many times don't just show up at my door uninvited, so I just ignored him giving him a taste of his own medicine. I had to completely disengage and it seems to have worked.
KNOW THIS, they WILL NOT MISS YOU, they will NOT sit around and reminisce about the past (most have no real memories because they have no empathy and without that emotional TIE to the past, they are missing that cog). They DO NOT LOVE...not you, not their own kids, NOT THEIR DOG! You cannot love them into wellness. They have a life long uncurable DISORDER!
Everything-just EVERYTHING to this! Off the bat all I wanted to say was “iddddkkkkk pretty sure the narcissist in my life loves their dog more than anything in life” - after thinking about that for a millisecond, a lightbulb went off over my head like a damn cartoon! “HOLY SHIT the only reason they love their dogs so much is because they show them that unapologetic adoration they not only love, they thrive-if not SURVIVE on!!!!” Wow. Words cannot describe the true appreciate I have for not only these videos, but this thread. I now know that I’m not crazy, most importantly NOT ALONE! 1.we are not TOO SENSITIVE 1.our feelings are fuuuuuucking valid 3.WE. ARE. ENOUGH!!!!!!!! 💕🫶happy healing everyone🫶💕
I relate so much to the "People who end up in good relationships had a lot of luck." When I met my husband I was only 19. Had been kept from going to school on the pretense of being 'homeschooled' which ended up me being a 13 year old not knowing how to read. I grew up so isolated, my mom put alarms on the doors that would go off if one of us kids opened it. We were so badly neglected that we were all severely under weight, my sister had to have her hair sheered off because it hadn't been brushed in years, all of us suffer from bad dental issues now such as losing teeth, etc. We all have really bad trauma from it and unfortunately the eldest of my siblings has sadistic tendencies and the youngest of my siblings has full blown narcissism: she's said things like "I don't see the point if the world doesn't recognize how great I am." and "How dare you come down to California without my permission." Yes, she actually has said those things. My husband thinks our isolation made her more obvious a narcissist than she would have been had she been allowed to socialize earlier. Well, back to the topic of my husband. I loved him so much after knowing him for only 3 months, which I think might be typical. I didn't know him as well as I do now, and I thank my lucky stars that we ended up working. 11 years later, married, and happy, protected, loved, accepted, safe. I got very lucky.
If you’ve never been with a narcissist, you WILL fall in their web. Nothing can help you unless you were interested in narcissism before hand and learned about it.
I dealt with one years prior and just started looking into it and then watched the Dr. Ramani before but didn't notice I was in til 2 months in but he seriously made changes no other man has made. I'm not sure of the PvP but he definitely has traits. And has pulled some of these tactics on me.
Exactly, humanity must change this. At least teenagers need to learn about understanding ones self and others, like basic psychology. Narcicissm has deeply impacted our societies.
I have finally learned not to confide in my mom. She might pretend to be sympathetic in the beginning just to pull the rug out from under me after I’ve opened up to her. It never fails. Ironically, she has latched onto this counter-narcissism movement because her second husband was an even worse narcissist than her. lol
I can relate as my mother and father were very covert narcissist..combine that with SA from another family member and you get me with PTSD and severe Generalized anxiety disorder..kind of glad your mother ran into someone worse so maybe she could realize how her behavior affected you
narcs don't only recognize when someone is playing them; they recognize when someone knows their game and won't play along. The volume also goes up then and the vindictiveness, smear campaigns, and retaliation are also turned up. Dealt with this with a narc supervisor for a few years. It was a hideous time but I learned a lot and could predict all of her moves once I knew how she behaved. She. hated. me. because I was on to her and her games. I was never disrespectful but also would not back down when I knew I was right; she couldn't stand that I had an opinion I dared express that differed from hers. I did my time and left and she tried her hardest to destroy me and others.
My cancer diagnosis was an opportunity for my ex to show off what a great and caring person he was. But it was all fake, and a farce. It was almost as if it was the best thing that could happen to him, so he could show off. I never actually felt like he cared, he just showed up because that made him look good. The insults and bad behavior never stopped. Thank you both for talking about this subject, and giving survivors a place to grow in our healing. ❤
I fully understand this feeling. Mine too care of me though my high risk pregnancy with our daughter, I was in terrible pain due to huge fibroids, I couldn’t sleep at nights, and sometimes hardly in the day either,I’d cry myself to sleep every day, sometimes the pain was so bad and I was so exhausted I passed out, but this was his opportunity to shine. He’d be praised for taking care of me while I was sick but no one heard his comments when I asked for something to help me, or saw how annoyed he got when I asked for something, how entitled he felt to my money, and my things, how he was disrespecting me by cheating and lying while I’m there sick with his child. I’m sorry you had to go through this and I pray God heals your body, mind and soul from all of it! ❤
Thank you for saying that. I am in remission, and as long as I keep on top of my treatments, I don't expect it will come back. I have been out of this relationship since May of last year, divorce was finalized in August. I'm happier than I've ever been. 😊
I loved your statement...it is SOUL DRAINING. That is a great description.....my narcissist is a friend, and it feels at time exactly like that... Soul Draining.
When I was 5 I knew something was wrong with my mother. So the terrible things she said and did to me, made me get stronger. I knew it was her not me and that made her crazy. It didn’t make sense to me I found her behavior to be irrational. I did hate her for along time, I saw her as pure evil. I did forgave her, but I had to keep her out of my life. She was filled with poison and the antidote is to stay away from poisonous people.
Here’s some interesting feedback I thought of even before seeing this video: it’s almost like the narcissist creates insecurity in you, so you end up becoming sort of narcissistic, because you need that supply from others to validate and feel better about yourself. Almost like that reassurance that you aren’t the person, the narcissist was telling you that you were…. but for a narcissist, they are completely void of any internal reassurance, it makes me wonder how much damage could they have taken on to hollow them out so much so that they have to be “supply” consumers and never satisfied? My husband told me early on in our marriage how empty he felt all the time… He was describing his narcissism to me, but we both didn’t know what it was. 14 1/2 years later I figured it out and now we’re getting divorced. it’s devastating, even though he was psychologically and emotionally abusive, I still have empathy for his inner child, and I am so sad, even though he traumatized me and his family and even our couples counselor doesn’t understand or probably believe me.
Yes this idea resonates. I was raised by a narcissistic mother and I had to be exactly like her to be “loved”. I sought attention and validation from others and often things were all about me. I’m happy to say I have recovered but it’s been a long road. I think your comment is a reflection of how intelligent you are.
@@tanyacarlyle1422 thank you that’s very kind. Well, Sam Vaknin says narcissism is contagious. I believe it! I think when someone is being starved of empathy, they aren’t being seen, so they are essentially put into a kind of spiritual darkness, a void. It’s very sad. I also felt this way growing up-I think that’s what got me set up to be emotionally starved because I was used to it. I also felt controlled. I think my mother is narcissistic but not with NPD. My husband, YES HE IS…even though he took a multiple choice test from my psychotherapist that said “negative,” he was not fully & thoroughly evaluated-he insisted he just wanted a simple one & done TEST and it was after reading my diary…he was trying to discredit what I knew to continue to gaslight me. I think he took the test as his “masked” false self. Both he and our couples counselor (who doesn’t know about narcissism at all really) were telling me that I was not a therapist and I couldn’t diagnose a personality disorder. But I made very good point I think, “What’s a disorder? My psychotherapist friend says that a disorder is an exaggeration of normal behavior, so it’s a spectrum. When does it become a disorder? If you have a personality that causes you to live in the world and in your relationships in a way that you don’t like and it causes significant “disorder” in your life, and “disorders” your marriage…” But I know so much more about it now. I am constantly dealing with rumination 4 months post separation…conversations trying to explain reality to people who aren’t even there anymore… 🤦🏼♀️ I also realized that if Jesus said “the truth will set you free,” then if I am ruminating about needing others to know the truth for ME to be free, I’m giving my power away for my freedom, which I can only give to myself. Radical acceptance is hard.
My mother, ex husband and now ex fiance 😢..I'm so afraid to open up to anyone because I'm a narc magnet or at least that's how I feel. I'm so isolated.
When my Narcissistic father stopped talking to be for no apparent reason except small criticism, I wrote a highly critical email and haven’t heard from him in 7 years. They can be silent, but we can thrive without them. That’s what they hate.
My mom raged at me last night because I told her she made the right decision about a domestic case that happened when I was a child that she was sharing with me for the first time. She said she doesn't need my validation and I was insulting her. I'm still trying to understand how their brain works.
Honestly, you will never fully understand because our brain doesn't work that way. Observing it and knowing nothing you can do or not do to make it better. Freedom in that for me.
Nearly every person that has asked me for friendship has turned out to be a very lonely yet selfish person . I love the way God helps us to stand up to bullies in later life when we have wisdom.
Holy shit. All of the wrong things to say, I have said. And the reactions they said is exactly what happened! My husband's favorite is "You're out of control!" Only very recently did I finally realize what he meant! Because I asked him "Please, tell me how I am out if control? I dont understand?" And he could never really tell me what I was doing that was "out of control." I AM OUT OF HIS CONTROL! 💡💡💡💡
This happened to me when I was married to a narcissist, I found out I was pregnant so I told my best friend, my sister and a colleague at work first and got the happiness from them so when I told the narc and he was dismissive it didn't matter. I would definitely recommend this tactic for survival. Thank you, Dr Ramani and Lisa xx
I don't recall any joy from my narc ex at the news of our children, either, now that you mention that. 😢 I was too excited to notice, on the first 2. By the 3rd, I'd already planned on leaving and knew I had to stay years longer. I don't remember how I told him about our third. It was a terrible and abusive time, I have blocked it out. Life after the destruction of leaving one has been a hard road. Marriage to one takes it's toll though. I could easily be dead already on that route. He was trying to kill me.
It was a tough marriage, for 18 years and it's still not over 5 years later. The post separation abuse is real and using the things you love such as the children. I am so sorry for you but glad you and kids are still alive and have gotten away xx
"They get angry at the person showing the emotion Because theyre angry at the thing that brought up this bad feeling of shame. You made me feel bad, by feeling bad about the bad thing I did. " It makes so much sense looking back to times my ex would make me cry and then get irate and berate me for crying and tell me im manipulating him into feeling bad by crying.
Yup mine betrayed me and was surprised when I asked, admitted it but ONLY after he found some "excuse" to give me which ended up using my words against me and then tried defending his decision if the betrayal over and over. Ended up blaming me.
This is my marriage- completely and totally described. My jaw dropped several times during this talk. I’ve gone through upto 6 months of my husband’s silence- when he had accused me of deliberately getting pregnant to tie him down. Currently I’m going on day 5 of not talking to him- back then, it used to be torture. Now it’s a relief of not having to listen to his voice. The only thing keeping me sane is squirreling away money for a rainy day- I’m here for the ease of lifestyle for my kids.
Same here...I was self sufficient until he broke me down and I had a nervous breakdown (as I was raised by narcissist) now I went back to school and finish in January..as soon as I start work in my field..I am GONE
Then they resort to singing songs at you, laughing extremely loud, talking on the phone loud around you, and talking to themselves. It’s annoying until you just begin to hear them as background noise.
I totally relate to the silent treatment feelings! My mother in law does them and it was so painful in the beginning but after therapy I "enjoy the peace" of her absence 😅
You just described how my sheltered, immature, 20's self (raised on love stories) was wooed by my narc ex-hubby. It was eerily accurate. Realizing that love at first sight, soul mates, etc are make believe was a painful process.
I learned this the hard way when I tried to make a hobby into something lucrative. I ended up abandoning the idea because I stupidly believed that their validation mattered. It doesn't. Now I am doing something entirely different(thriller book author)and I do not discuss anything I am doing in regard to this, nor do I share any of the stuff I am doing otherwise. They never asked me anything about myself anyway but would always have a slick comment when I started to get too 'high' by advancing my skills with my hobby(custom cake decorating). I have really studied the situation and I have softly gone no-contact with the toxic people in the family as well as those who only pretended to be true friends when they needed something from me. Lesson learned!
I appreciate Lisa for bringing up narcissistic mothers! It is the quiet epidemic that no one wants to address and even Dr Ramani didn’t seem to shy away a little. Yes we know men are narcissistic but having a narcissistic mother impacts men & women so badly. Men that have narc mothers go on to hurt other women in someway & the cycle continues, we need to talk about it more!
Part of me as a man never recognizing a narcissist partner is because Narcissist disorder is only talked about by woman and how they are effected so i never listened
Dr Sherri Campbell goes deep into Narc Mothers. Danu Morrigan also gives good insight into Narc Mother s. Or NM. Dealing with NM takes strategy, patience, and prayer. I've been listening to Dr Ramani and working on my relationship with my NM. I even thought the NM was "changing".....😅Lol....fooled again....
Absolutely hidden as it’s so “ blaming “ The Work, Byron Katie fills in those gaps. Can’t lie to yourself, most do until they don’t. Live and learn 🪷🦉⚖️🐦⬛🤍🖤
The narcissit never wants to think that other people will 'find out that they are a bad person ... they become angry when they realize other people might suspect the truth in any way, shape or form ... then you become the person they focus on - because you are the person who let the secret out ...
I ended it 2 weeks ago and have gone no contact after being with him on and off for 44 years. The only part I can't figure out is how we can go on for so long not realizing thr extent of abuse. It makes me feel so stupid and desperate. But this feeling of freedom is indescribable!! I have been listening to you tube videos on narcicissm for a while but just discovered you today. You are awesome!
Don't feel stupid. I did too but with videos I found out that I was so trauma bonded and afraid..I stayed 50 years. Been gone 5 years and I am a new person. Finally have some peace in my life and so much closer to God !
@@GeriRogers I am also much closer to God and I know in time he will reveal why I had this person in my life for so long. Thank you for your comment. I hate to know so many have suffered like me but on the other hand it's comforting to know I am not alone.
I told my narcissistic brother that he was a narcissist and he hasn't spoken to me since. I'm much more at peace without him and his pathetic narcissm in my life. Talking with him was always a strain and if I presented a differing opinion, he couldn't take it. I don't cater to narcissm and narcissists, even in my own family.
My brother is similar and all my life, I have gotten hurt by his behavior but didn’t know it was narcissism until now. Our relationship has faded away because I haven’t catered to him in years and chose to express my hurts. They really don’t care once you no longer give them the same energy, attention, care. Their “love” is purely self-serving and transactional.
These comments raise an obvious question ... i can guess some ithe answers .. why does someone have NPD but a sibling doesn't .. when parenting issues are the cause
@@johncitizen9540 Because parenting issues are only part of the cause. Not everyone who has endured childhood trauma goes on to become a narcissist. It’s a choice or tendency of that individual, something I’m assuming is predetermined (before birth).
@@johncitizen9540Two siblings can be raised in the same household, but parenting can be extremely different for each child depending what role you are assigned. If you are the golden child for example you are more likely to become narcissisic, if you are the truth teller/ scapegoat you are more likely to leave the toxicity and seek therapy to heal. Another example boys are often coddled by their mothers growing up which could contribute to narcissism whereby girls are taught to cater to men.
Thank you so much Dr Ramani. Your videos are what I watch when I feel drawn to allow contact again. This is like an AA meeting for narcissistic abuse survivors.
I feel like this too! Mornings are so hard for me. I just play her TH-cam videos and that truly helps me to be ok with today. Helps me to remember it isn’t me, I didn’t do this, I didn’t deserve this and it is about them not me.
Don’t even tell a narcissist that you’re having a good day. They’ll make sure your day becomes a bad one just to regain their position of power over you.
Everything she teaches is spot on. I’ve survived past 3yrs listening to her online. Most therapists don’t take insurance of any sort (if a person even has insurance) and I never had 150-300 to apply to one session. She’s not emotionally charged but intellectually fluent in her understanding of all variables involved in the subject. I will always listen to refresh my knowledge and trying hard to apply to my life.
That mocking comment about seeing a therapist hit very close to home. My brother did that to me a few weeks back. I was in counseling to deal with 5 years of family shunning. I have not been invited or included in their family gatherings. I generally find out about them after the fact. He tried to tell me I was nuts, that it wasn’t happening and that he could “guarantee you that at least 3 of your siblings and our parents” would come to my counseling to straighten me out. Counsellor said that’s not how he works. The whole exchange with my flying monkey brother left me feeling sad and nauseated.
@@BA-vx7gb I need to learn how to not engage in these pointless painful talks. I do too much defending and explaining and hoping there’d be a smidgeon of empathy shown.
My ex husband reached the point of accusing me of sleeping with my dead father for me to react after I learnt from your videos not to take it personal ,not to engage,explain or react !silent treatment was his usual punishment not talking to you the whole day and expecting you to sleep with him because you are his wife!evil people no empathy or emotions.Divorced him eventhough he refused to sign the paperwork and walked out with nothing but my children, my health,peace,sanity and blessings after 17years of marriage
The sexual abuse they deal in is another hard aspect of having to be in a relationship with them. I hope you have support. And I wish you'd have kept the house and sent him packing. That was a bad mistake I made when leaving mine. I also was still protecting his image and didn't put cruelty and abuse on the divorce papers. That came back to bite me too. 😖
When she says that they get mad when something is wrong and you need help, like cancer... That hit home. My ex who I believe is on the narc spectrum hung up on me while I was 20 weeks pregnant because I felt a lot of pelvic pressure and I was terrified I was gonna lose the baby... I called him crying and asked him to come over and he said, "no", got mad and hung up on me.
I have a lot of sigma traits. Highly analytical, highly observant, extremely independent and self sufficient… That being said, I have been completely blind sided by narcissistic people. As in, I’m only now seeing the red flags I should have seen. Narcissistic people are no joke!!! Thank you very much for sharing your knowledge! It really helps as I put things together.
Same, i didn't expected a person i just helped would steal from me and bluntly lie in my face😅 The're sooo small, greedy and sneaky, i can't believe it
@kirkturnage3426 I'm very independent, very self aware and I was just pulled into this world (I've watched Dr. Ramani before and dealt with a narc online before this) but never did I think I'd be pulled in by one romantically. Also I thought my older sis was a socio but I think she leans more towards a narc.
Same here - just like everything in life look at as training/experience to make you more aware moving forward. It’s really a tough situation to be in when you consider yourself sane and competent and someone has you questioning those things about yourself.
Understand fully what she is talking about here. Wanting to be in control, not wanting to talk about their behavior and actions that stir up shame in them, never apologizing. Instead of saying you’re to sensitive ( which is kind), they say you’re bipolar or some other label that doesn’t apply. I’ve never been diagnosed as being bipolar, autistic, suicidal etc. I’m not taking any prescription medication. This person puts labels on me and isnt even qualified to do so. Especially when no one else in my life says that to me .this person stirs in me emotions that I don’t have when I’m with other people. They know how to push my boundaries. Person withholds affection, wants control and manipulation, verbal put downs know I’m being gaslighted. Unfortunately I can’t walk away when I have to coparent with him.
My mother did that with me, she would put labels on me and do false diagnostics when she is not qualified to do, not a medical professional, nothing. She accused me for YEARS of having an ''illness'' of ''hypersensitivity, that I ''refuse to get help'' and repeating on every roof top that I ''needed help'', to basically slander me.
I am 66 and have been dealing with this for 15 years i was told if i divorce him he will ruin me. I cannot take the control and manipulation any more. I have studied NPD for ten years he hits every mark, then of course Dr. Ramini is just incredible.
8:55 Thank you! This helped me understand why he did it, how he could be so disgusting and hateful to me for showing any signs of being hurt by a gut-wrenching betrayal. All because he didn't like anything making him feel like he wasn't the good guy. But that sure never stopped him from doing horrifically shitty things 🤔
This: " he didn't like anything making him feel like he wasn't the good guy but that surely didn't stop him from doing horrifically shitty things." I'll narcslate- he doesn't like you knowing/outting/confronting the fact he planned and enjoyed doing horrid shitty things. He prefers you a victim entangled in his claws thrashing around, constantly unsuspecting of his next attack. Also he'd like for you to routinely lash out (preferably in public) so he can say your irrational/unstable/crazy. No contact if you can.
When people act crappy, they always feel provoked - like they didn't start it. They always have an excuse; always have someone else to blame. (It's part of why they didn't grow up to be nicer; if it wasn't their fault, they have nothing to work on - so they remain around 6 years old in interpersonal development/resolution skills.)
Being a total recluse is so absolutely liberating and highly recommend to all that have and suffer from these all to common problems amongst the general public and society as a whole! ...no people to deal with equals no problems! Pure and very simple!! 😮😮😮😊😊
This explains why narcissistic people at work don't like it when I settle back and walk like I was in basic military training (expressionless focused) not able to read my emotion at all! ❤
My lord you are helping me this morning. My husband had a rage last night and is now ghosting me in the other bedroom. I’ll be punished this way all day I already know. It was such a little trigger that set him off. So quick the minute I got home from work yesterday… I’m at the indifference stage in our marriage. It’s very freeing.
@@marydipietro8124it takes time to enjoy him giving you silent treatment . We get mad at first at his baby attitude. Then we love it ! He'll always come back asking for things . It's gross . If he touches me I feel raped . Yet I'm married so it's.......nothing right . I had cops here 2 times today as he takes money away to controll me . See I had kids , he wouldn't watch ! So he wanted a house Wife. He drove the kids away . And treated me worse even beats me . I'm sick of it .
Sometimes for some of us who have been emotionally broken and they convinced us to spend any money we had, you become codependent. All I was left with is my retirement pension and it’s not enough to survive unless I go to a women’s shelter. Brings me so many tears because first when this nightmare started, I was the breadwinner. When we met he never told me he was about to file bankruptcy and when I found out after we got married I had to become the breadwinner and I had to buy a car for us and help with the purchase of our home and I spend everything I ever saved. Now I have to help with all the expenses and when I’m done my check is gone and that’s how I became codependent and now I don’t get enough to live on my own. It became shut up and put up or leave. 😢😢
I completely understand the indiffence phase of my ex-narc husband and our pathetic marriage. 36:05 36:06 . Did you then move into the phase where you would fantasize about them getting hit by an 18 wheeler? Or smashing their head in with a cast iron skillet? Well, i did...and that was when I knew I needed to leave. Good riddance! Divorced almost 7 years and found my peace. God bless you ❤
“You made me feel bad by feeling bad about the bad thing I did… how DARE you!”. So spot on. If the emotion doesn’t reflect poorly on them (in their mind) it isn’t gonna get the same response.
I can resonate with all Dr. Ramani has shared. I have kids by a Narcissist and he had 7 kids before our kids. It was a nightmare being with him but even more so leaving him. When I finally got out, I experienced the silver lining of knowing I’ll NEVER endure anyone like him again!!
This kinda put me on alert. I’m listening cuz I think my bf is a narcissist and he is JUST like this! He has 7 kids now. 4 broken families. And yet here I am trying to be #5 and I can’t even tell you why.
I know a three year old is more connected than a narcissist. I witnessed it. A four year old has more ability to connect and take responsibility, I witnessed that too. A five year old is more emotionally developed than a raging narcissist. That sounds harsh but I seen it and felt it before I understood narcissism and its horrendous traits.
I love Dr Ramani. After I gave birth and was struggling she really did help. I watched him get engaged a few months after I gave birth and now married to his now third wife (not who he was engaged with after I gave birth 🙃😬) within 3 years of my daughter being born was rough but hearing her explain how a narcissist thinks and works helps. He isnt even a real person to me now. Like I never personally met the real him. All while he was in those relationships he told me how much he wanted to be a family every once in awhile. 2 years old us not having any contact ❤️ In the end of the day I rather him just move on and forget we exist, its a blessing
I've been trying to walk away from this guy off and on for 13 years. I am finally standing my ground to him and he is realizing I am being serious this time. He's said so many hurtful things about me because of that and basically that no one will want me but him. I never thought he would be so cold. Trying not to take it personal because I know he's losing control and lashing out, but still hurts.
She is right about that. The voice never goes away. I know the voice it's right and I tell myself that is your mom talking, Not you. And it helps her stop talking. I try not to feed that beast by watching TH-cam videos like this. Ya"ll help.
Grieving who you thought the person would be is proving to be a little difficult. It’s hard to fathom a person can change in an instant and you feel like you never knew them. Literally longing for what used to be, but having to accept that what used to be was just a game. Your mind literally plays tricks on you.
I will never believe in myself either. My father hammered that into me my whole childhood. It was reenforced by a 30 year narcissistic marriage. I do believe in you Dr. Ramani.❤
9:34 my ex in a nutshell…My goodness this video is GOLD‼️ Radical Acceptance was the best part of this lesson❤ 1:26:25 I am finally after being in a relationship for 31 years I’m ready to be in my solitude ; be with me and really embrace it ‼️
I've had the time to learn so much since doing so ❤ Things if I'd known years back everything would be different. But I'm glad to know them now, and for Dr Ramani's videos. So helpful to know how to deal with these people, because there seems to be no shortage of them.
WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!
I just reported a scammer ⚠
I went to dinner with my soon to be ex husband. He picked me up, drove to the restaurant he held my hand walking up the hill. Got seated started to talk, he asked me if i was going to change the ways. I told him i wasnt going to change. He got enraged and said lets go. Went to the car, drove away like a maniact. Driving crazy,speeding, telling people i was crazy. He has my daughter believing im crazy. I left 3 months ago, my adult kids i losst it. What do i do?
I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, and having watched this video I'm beginning to understand how its outward appearance can be mistaken for narcissism; the motives are entirely different, there is no intent to punish, hurt, but the need for escape, the silent periods, the difficulty in being attentive, in fact, many of the behaviours that are covered in this video, could easily be misinterpreted by anyone who thinks Avoidant Personality Disorder is trivial, that it is easy to control, when, in fact, it can be global, as it is in my case, I meet all seven criteria, have done since childhood.
My internal turmoil is actually worsening BECAUSE I'm being branded a narcissist, so I totally agree with every point made in this video, there is nothing tacky about this analysis, but at the same time, it is distressing to discover why I am so misunderstood, knowing there is nothing I can do to correct that perception, which makes me feel worse than ever about myself!
what about a good ole beat down
Lisa, can you please mention both interviews in the title?
The only thing a narscissist is sorry about, is getting caught.... plain and simple
Absolutely
Or exposed
This is the correct answer
Not even lol
U could b scapegoating the wrong person
This is the scariest part of it. The narcissist cannot stand it when you’re calm and collected.
They hate life with the self when we separate our'SELF. EVERYONE learns IT in their OWN way s. 🌟✨️🐎✨️🔥🎁🕊
IT does have to be painful in order to break free. IT might even be a painful truth inside self. Its ok. Bless'ed BE..❤🎉
Reptilians. That’s all I can come up with. Anyone that is like this is a reptile.
Always stay calm then! Don't give them crap
Wish I had the discipline to stay calm
Especially when their incarcerated & yall were tryna to fix it but it’s always seems like you weren’t enough.. I’m happy I found this video ! Now I know what he is but I still don’t know what I am … engaging into that energy then being okay with having a very bipolar relationship at a young age , trying to “hold him down “ at17 for 10years .
When i stopped sharing good or bad information i felt like whats the point of being in this relationship anymore?!! Its empty.
Gray rock… leaving is soon after for sure. For me it was 3 months
EXACTLY, where I am at NOW, and I’m working on GETTING OUT! Been living with a nasty roommate my whole married life’s and I just turned 56. Sad to realize how much time I’ve WASTED WITH HIM NOT LIVING MY BEST LIFE, no intimacy, no support, just faked everything to make it look like HE HAS THE PERFECT LIFE- Now it’s my turn and I am getting out to FINALLY HAVE PEACE & ENJOY what is left of MY LIFE!! After raising and giving everything I had emotionally/physically to my 3 kids that are (now grown adults 26, 22 20) and putting myself so last for all those years…
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani - I’ve been listening for last 5 years and now I am focusing on my plan to GET OUT & BE FREE to live what’s left of my life HAPPY PEACEFUL & NO MORE EMOTIONAL ABUSE- just trying to Be Careful and STAY SAFE FROM HIM! It’s been a long time coming, trying to make sure I have anything important to me SAFELY OUT OF THE HOUSE…
Electronic Sweep - Get a burner phone, important documents, been organizing details for years (voice recordings) & trying to plan for all the Secret Prep to get out ~ You have been Such A Key Clarifying and Calming Force - playing it out is so important!!
“Sleeping with the Enemy” has hit home for me since that movie came out.
No sex no intimacy no real talk for over 5 years now!! Married since 1999 and it’s taken me a decade - I’m so ready to be ALONE!!!
Yeah, that's kinda where I'm at rn. It's my parents so I'm still staying in minimal contact so if they have a real need that I can help with. I still care about them and wish things were in a healthier place for us both but I had to keep going on my healing journey moving forward without them. I actively invited them to do any type of introspection or any type of ownership of the behaviors over the past 5 years but there was either saying it's not a big deal or simply saying they don't remember or even better that I'm the one making up stuff. It really creams my corn sometimes but now that I'm minimal with them, I don't have to deal with that as much. My siblings have tried to get me to "just go back to the way things were" but they don't realize the emotional energy it took to carry that load all the time (actually they really do know, they just prefer that I deal with 90% of it so they can only carry a little of the load and live their lives). My mom especially is still trying to hold it all in hoping I'll come back to do her emotional work for her soon but it's starting to back up so much that it's starting to leak out accidently, my siblings can't handle even the little bit leaking and want me to "come back because you always dealt with them better". I didn't deal with it better, it took it's toll but my empathy kept me coming back for more. At one point I actually thought that's what a normal parent/adult child relationship was like. When I finally figured out that they were only disrespecting me and treating me poorly and treating my siblings way nicer, I realized they were just using my compassion to manipulate me into doing their emotional regulation for them so they didn't have to do it themselves. Now, I finally realized my parents are really okay, they have plenty of money for food, shelter, access to medical care, company from others, and they can still travel (which they do frequently). I can back down and just let everyone else pick up the nastiness parts forward. Of course, my mother already started a new smear campaign about how I'm being held hostage by my spouse or something just because I refused to share anything about my personal life anymore during my monthly check up on them calls....craziness. Spouse and I are actually kind of enjoying the drama free days in a row that we get and it's actually kinda nice. I feel this persons comment about when you don't share good or bad what's the point, but I still feel a duty to honor my parents by at least checking up and making sure they are okay. Not gonna engage in the drama anymore but making sure they are okay is I think fulfilling enough to be considered honoring and respecting them in their old age. Continuing to work on learning healthy boundaries with my growing kids so I can try to break this unhealthy cycle within the women of my family. Lots of love to all those out their suffering....we are not alone.
@tacocat510 wow, well said. You have a lot of insight and it's inspiring to see you taking a stand about caring for you and your own immediate family, instead of letting the family of origin keep using and abusing you.
(Sometimes I have felt so fed up with being strong and gracious in the face of crazy attacks- though I feel my approach is good enough and healthy).
Sharing your woundedness with a narcissist is like cutting yourself in front of a shark.
So true
What a great way of putting it - this is going straight into my "toolbox".
Sharing your wounds with anyone who has no or little emotional depth is risky. Best to keep wounds to oneself and work on them with a qualified professional OR someone who has proven that they love you unconditionally ( rare).
Brilliant analogy
So true
"They don't like being held accountable." SPOT ON!
Excellent, and that's their problem the issue continue and nothing is Done!!!! ## not in my damn life 💯
The reason why they have these traits in the first place is because they don't know how to sit with feelings such as shame and guilt, they feel that that reflects on themselves as individuals and it's so deep that they don't even consciously see this. So they refused to take any accountability for anything. If it's something that could cause them shame or guilt, count on them blame-shifting immediately and gaslighting and they will throw massive Tantrums if faced with reality
Amen
They always is accountability. . Karma always has an address.
They WONT be held accountable!
Love starved as a child and the need to fill a void.
My mom is like that
Me. I'll be 40, and yet the second I read ever emotional, and weak he used it. I'm too tired to have walls up. I'll just stay to myself
My sister told me that she didn’t like the person I had become when I told her I was no longer willing to tolerate her toxic behaviour. My response was “that’s ok, I like who I am and that’s all I’m worried about”
She rolled her eyes and walked off.
We no longer talk 😊
Good for you. I’m in therapy and I’m the process of doing so with my brother. I could have walked away more elegantly. But it wasn’t the wrong thing to do.
If it makes you happy, if it feels good to give and you feel appreciated for your generosity, do it. Anything else, flush the toilet.
Well done.😊
I'm so sorry I hope your sister grows
Bravo
"Just because you FEEL guilty does not mean you ARE guilty." I use this phrase to remind myself that I'm allowed to make my own decisions even when others do not approve or agree.
You’re allowed to make your own mistakes and learn from them too! No one is perfect and the stupid monsters who destroy and decompose our lives have no grounds to stand on when it comes to making mistakes. How would we grow if we never made a mistake? We’d actually never do anything for fear of doing it wrong. My motto has been my whole life “You live and you learn” because life is all about learning and growing and building a good environment for us to be happy. There’s no reason to be angry even when you’re as poor as I am. I’m so poor ten dollars is a lot to me, but my life isn’t unhappy because I don’t let the evil monster win anymore. He took everything from me in every way possible and he still couldn’t completely break me. He’s so angry all the time but this fact makes him furious.
Excellent comment!! I wrote that down to say to myself when having a rough spot. Great insight there! You're very perceptive.
Emotions vs Logic.
@@pricedrops9472 exactly!
@@annmarieknapp that's awesome, I hope it does help you like it's helped me. Gives me even a few seconds to just breath before I respond 💕
Does anyone else have short term memory loss? I forgot I watched this video four months ago, and now I got an hour into it and just remembered. 😢
Yes I do. I have to click "Like" as soon as I start a video so that I know in the future whether I have seen the video already by looking at the "like" button. 😂😂
Yes, but I don't worry about it. It takes an exceptional memory to keep across that level of detail - which I used to have, but covid, head injury and age didn't help.
Just watched a neurologist speak about the power of trauma to affect memory loss/blocking out - apparently it's a protective mechanism our beautiful brains help us out with ❤️🩹
😂
Short-term memory loss is a symptom of PTSD/CPTSD, so yes.
It’s also easy to forget things if we don’t revisit them/process them. For example, this info can’t “digest” if you put more info on top.
We haven’t been taught enough about quiet contemplation, but this is why silence while driving or out in nature is good.. allows thoughts to process and get stored into longer term memeory or discarded, as you/your brain sees fit.
I had to truly be done before I took my 4 kids and left. No money, no support but I knew I had to go. I was done. BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE!!!
Been there! For anyone else in a similar situation & with children... you can do it, it is hard and sometimes it gets harder but it's worth it! There is a better life. ❤
Power and happiness to you!
I did the EXACT same thing! Thank goodness I trusted my intuition and left. Best decision ever!!
How did you get a place to live if you had no money?
@@MrsK976stayed with friends. Luckily I had friends. Nightmare
"You made me feel bad by feeling bad about the bad thing I did." Oof, slap. AKA: "I don't want you to resent me for doing things you don't like. I'm still gonna do them, but you're not allowed to dislike it."
Yup just about sums it up. Your their punching bag. Their designated thing to do whatever at will. How dare a thing complain?!
Heads I win, tales you lose is the game and they're just 'lookin for someone who's willing to play' exactly that game.
This is exactly my boyfriend. Hung up on me when I tried to confront him, and he’s ghosting me now.
@@marcilk7534 oof, that’s my ex husband. You don’t want or need ten years of that.
This is the exact reason why I was able to be in an abusive relationship for so long bc my father and grandmother esp GMA would make me feel bad for feeling angry about something they did so when my GMA noticed my anger she would immediately switch to crying and pity plays that would disarm me. My dad didn’t as much do it to me, but I saw him do it to my mom whenever she’d try to leave.
The acronym D.E.T.A.C.H = Don't Even Try And Change Her/Him. ♥️
Wow
Yes🎉
That is so good!👍🏼🙌🏼👊🏼❤️
… it’s sadistic… it’s patronising… it’s mocking… it’s sarcastic… it’s mean… they just don’t know how to be nice. They’re hopeless, really. Just imagine what it’s like being inside their heads. Must be complete chaos.
They're just always in plotting mode. It's exhausting to deal with someone who is always looking to take advantage of others.
Knowing that he will treat every woman the same way he treated me is my greatest comfort and knowing that he got one of his supplies pregnant at his age (59) and went to prison for DV on me is really the cherry on top....bless his heart 🖤
Not chaos. Tactical to get and keep empowerment and control .
😂😂😂😂
They are always agitated. Exhausting for them and for anyone they are with
I gave up my 86 acres to get away from my extreme and abusive narcissist. I've never been so happy in my life!!! Property can be gotten again. My life is awesomely wonderful!!!
Remove yourself. You'll be so, so happy. It will be very difficult in the beginning, but well worth it. Don't worry, be happy. It will happen for you. God is on your side.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I can’t by my decision leave my son with her.
@@johnnywriightKeep God first. Pray, pray, pray. God will be your shield. God can heal your wife. Most times narcissist have demons and the Lord can rebuke. Ask God to heal her and truly have faith that he will. Teach your son about God. God will carry you through this.
999{{)o)lllll)lllllllllllllll)ll)
Well I'm niot sure God even gets involved seriously. God allows msny things for many reasons.
Sometimes God has so much love for us, when he sees the pain a narcissist inflicts on us, he’ll make sure we get out. Even if it was their idea. I feel so relieved, I actually feel guilty about it ..
If all this information had been available 20 years ago, my God, how many people would have been spared this bitter experience. The narcissist is a pathological liar and manipulator, this woman is a genius on the subject. Thank you! 😊
It was. M.S magazine did an article in the 80s about toxic masculines who have the same traits.
My experience is that even when you try to do everything the narcissist wants, they change what it is that they want. That realization was what catapulted me to make changes and eventually leave.
It requires a great deal of energy to keep up, I note. The Narcissist doesn't know who they are, what their needs are, no insight into anything! In fact, one admitted to me that the way my son was dealing with his issues was to be abusive. She was projecting her own qualities onto my son.
They are eternally (at least in this life) dissatisfied so nothing you do for them will ever be/could ever be good enough. They hurt (others) because they are hurt but we can’t heal their internal damage. We need to look to our own well-being because you can’t drink from an empty cup 💜
Me too. You can never satisfy them... hoping my plans fall in place & I get to leave soonest
Yes!! For a whole year I did everything my in-laws always complained I didn't do (visit weekly, never cancel, etc) and guess what? They still dislike me and found new things I do wrong 😂😂
The “Demon Possessed,” are always upping the Anti! 🙏🏻🕊🍃When you, Capitulate… And Submit… Then, THEY WANT MORE! = The Next CHUNK of your SOUL!
When you’re stuck in a relationship like this it’s scary how quickly your “friends and family” will turn on you.
Not necessarily...they probably tried to tell u about that person from the start...the only way for u to get out is for them to leave u by yourself with that person SO U CAN SEE IT FOR YOURSELF...I guarantee if they love u they just waiting for u to make the choice because even though we end up being the victims we also end up using the people that we love for that person just to keep going back to that person...people are not going to keep trying to help u and changing their lives to help u if u aren't serious...trust me i know 100% and i don't blame them and i didnt do it on purpose but that IS WHAT HAPPENS!! Listen to me please, how else but to show u than to leave u all alone with them...that is the ONLY WAY 4 U TO SEE!! 🤗
@@lala5061I ended up begging for help getting out and went completely ignored until my ex reached out to my dad and asked him to get me out. That’s when I was finally believed.
Sometimes family and other people buy their bs.
Friends and family are the most toxic.
Honestly you probably cried to them and still stayed so they pulled back. Counseling is my suggestion.
It’s exhausting and there is nothing like the peace you will get when they are gone! Don’t have them back!!
No one “completes me”. Someone can add joy to my life but I am not less than a person without them
Well said
Exactly
Ma hús and told me with hím I ám everything without hím I ám nothing…..it was strange heart g that……Still I ám in marriage
For every person who is in a tough situation with a highly difficult individual.. my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I do understand how very difficult the manipulations can be.
Thank you so much❤
That's kind of you, gracias
Thank you. Sometimes I wonder if this a test of my faith. I pray that God will not me descend into an evil level of retaliation with this person. Please Jesus let me not return unkindness with unkindness
Thank you! We all need prayerd and good thoughts while we all go through the healing.
I thought I was going too die, one day I got down on my knees begging god to come and get me , i went to woman aid for advice then I started to educate myself on narc abuse that was a turning point for me, the best decision I've ever made the narc doesn't bother me anymore, I focused on myself healing, that was a few years ago me now am loving life now, education saved myself. As for the narc and his flying monkey's they're in a very bad way they're world is falling apart, never give a narc access to you..
Narcs say “calm down” and also “you’re fine” minimizing the effect of their abuse.
I remember when I told my narcissistic ex that I got approved for the house that I found for us. I was so excited like jumping up and down. He just came in the room and asked me why I was making so much noise. I told I got approved and he gave me a THUMBS UP and rolled his eyes. I knew than something was wrong. I had no idea what a narcissist was. I just thought it was jealousy and misery
Oh, never show your joy or happiness to them... I learnt that when I was a little girl. They get awfully envious of your joy. They are deeply unhappy inside and frustrated and can't stand that. Mostly unaware of this, obviously.
That gesture right there, the thumbs up, my ex used to give me when I start to talk excitingly about something. It would just shut me down and my mind goes blank, I freeze, It feels bad but at the same time I don't know what to do or say. so I would just walk away feeling sad. Later, he would come and talk to me like NOTHING happened at all!!
@@aichaakachab2451Oh .. this little sign must seem ugly to you all the time. I just gave to you my thumbs up with a very different feeling: it's from my heart ♡ to your heart ♡ .
@aichaakachab2451 it's very dismissive. I'm so glad that chapter in my life is closed forever
@@aichaakachab2451 Yep, and don’t you dare show passion or conviction in anything or you’ll get hit with the dismissive
“Ok, ok, calm down it’s not that serious.” All the while not so much as a mear glance in your direction
My covert of 43 years got sooo mad at me for not "complying" after a sad incident with a visit from our adult son. After son left I was sad about the incident and just wanted alone time. Narc had other "ideas" and kicked me out for not "complying ". I got a hotel room and eventually my apartment. He has tried getting me back home but after 43 years of absolute weirdness I can't stomach another bout of that insanity. Doing the best I can with what I have and GOD. Toro toro toro❤❤❤
I get this. My narcissist is my dad; he expects my absolute compliance to his unreasonable expectations(demands) and gets irritated because I don't "comply" Too bad for him!
❤
Yay You, me too! Was in 27 years, called them out, paid like heck for that. Now I am living My Life. Finding my feet again and letting go, out 5 years now. In Trauma counseling, and never been more grateful in my life... PRICELESS ❤🎉
My mother & my ex husband is narcissist and imagine my mother in law is the head of the whole clang a covert narcissist. These people are cult vampires and stole my law businesses , my money, my children
Yeah the weirdness n insanity ..when we finally see this it's like your lighter n have joy again..they steal or Joy because they have none of their own😢
I never talked about anything emotional with my narc in 13 years. Believe it or not. It didn't matter they'll make up their own scenario and stalk you till THEY die.
That's For SURE!!!! ALL about Them Them THEM!
Ugh So sick of hearing talking about "them ,& ALL the stories I heard 10 Million times!!
So true, I never mentioned anything negative about my mom, she passed a year before my ex and I met and married. He did not know her. After 11yrs of silent treatments, abuse, I finally divorced him. Months later, He texted me one night horrible things “you turned out just like your mom a user” hi was shocked. My mom worked entire life after dad died she raised 6 kids with no govt help. Divorcing a narc especially if you have kids with them, it’s never a final divorce. They seek to destroy you for leaving. It gets worse, but your day to day life is more peaceful
Just because somebody looks calmer Then you dosent Mean they are correct.
I am not generalising but often calm people can be the sneakiest
@noneofyourbuizness it's covert abuse.
But other people will amuse the clam person is correct. So best to try and calm down and leave...before they call the police.
@@noneofyourbuizness🌋YEEEES ! THATS SO RIGHT !
And it doesn't mean they are calm at all lol
if they don't feel in control, then insecurity kicks in, turns into anxiety, and ultimately rage.
This has to be the truth
I just detached from my dad after he threatened me. I'm living in terror. My dad's 93, and I'm 62. This sucks in the most unreal way.
@@CactusGal praying for your safety
@@blessedhealthy Thank you, I appreciate it. It would likely work against my dad I'd he tried to retaliate, since he couldn't hide his Altzheimers for long. I just am obsessing about him playing the victim act, and what people think of me (he's "sympathetic" and convincing). We only live a mile apart, and in a smallish 40k population community. Word travels fast.
So true
My narcissist puts me down in a subtle way, NOT in the obvious sing-song tone. This makes it harder for me to spot the insults, but he does it every time we are together. If I DO question what he said, he gaslights me by saying he didn't mean it that way.
Emotionally, he is always in the dominant, control position. I understand this to be his severe abandonment issues. I am always slightly nervous around him, but if I pull away he hoovers me back: so sweet, gentle, never says those minimising things, and actually compliments me and is affectionate. Once I am hooked, he goes cold, distant and the veiled insults return.
I have just ended our relationship. I miss him, I am doubting myself - but my own Messenger messages to myself over the years are an incredible "ick list".
Please don't doubt yourself. Stay strong! You've done the right thing. Sending love ❤
Dang, I feel like we were with the same man! 😅 I lived with a guy just like that for 2 years. It was horrible.
Please run! Block him. He will never treat you right. They are abusive people with no empathy. He doesn't care about your feelings . None of them do. I delt with this . Joked about my appearance . It chipped away at my self esteem and eventually broke me. I don't know if you ever want to experience the true pain of what they are capable of. They won't care about hurting you. Please run don't look back you deserve a healthy relationship
He may be an dismissive avoidant
Narcissistic also will lie about abuse or abandonment issues they suffered growing up and that’s why they do this or that. they are easily offended, don’t like rules or someone to tell them what to do, basically a difficult child, grows up to be a difficult adult. They blow things out of proportion to play victim. In their mind it’s their parents fault or a first love. Don’t keep rescuing him or someone will need to rescue you. They slowly kill your health each day. Agree block. There’s plenty of people who have been abandoned dealt with it, got healed and don’t treat their partners hot or cold. Take ‘em or leave him. I agree block
Dr. Ramani is my favorite. I can't find a local therapist who even recognizes narcissism as a real issue in my small town area. But listening to her is super super helpful. Thank you to you both of these women! 💕
send link to her channel and books to your local therapists .....at least one will reeducate
I've been in and out of hospitals due depression. Went trough many counseling sessions over the past 10 years. Only now when I watched this video do I realize that I'm married to a narcissist. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me😭I've been told how immature I am and I ended up believe it.
Thank you Lisa for this Video.
Oh yes. It's been super helpful ❤🙏
My dad told me I'm immature numerous times. I finally said I SURVIVED CANCER, IM MATURE. That shut him down right away and I felt better.
Can you find one elsewhere and do zoom calls?
Definitely no remorse, no empathy, never! About 4 years ago, being in severe depression and on the edge of developing anorexia, I finally opened up to my mom about the pain in my childhood from her abandonment, emotional and physical abuse. She told me she was shocked and upset to hear that and she needed time to digest everything and she just left my house. She has never mentioned that again as if nothing ever happened. She has no interest to know how I felt or what exactly happened to me. Then I went no contact (or minimum contact). Thanks to Dr Ramani’s channel I learned about narcissists and everything cleared up for me. I finally started to heal. Radical acceptance is key.
Oh my gosh yesss to your radical acceptance is key remark. I started practicing that, with setting boundaries, that’s how I’ve healed.
My dad is the narcissist, and he blamed me, that "you misunderstood what I said/did" and that I had to apologize to him(I did, just to shut him up , I didn't mean the apology, nor will I, ever)and take the blame. It's all his fault. If he pulls it again, I will tell him that his version of "get with the program" is hugely wrong. and that he needs to grow up and shut the hell up. I did nothing to bring on any of the abuse. He's mistaken.
When tried to bring up something he said that hurt me when I was younger, he got up and left my place. After my dad passed, I brought something up to my mom that had hurt me when I was 14 yo, she blamed my dad, and she became the victim and started to cry. Nothing was ever discussed.
🎉💪🏼🙌🏼💯
When you know what you are dealing with the situation becomes easier to control and digest. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, you really are a life changer (for the better)❤
After 5 exhausting years I now finally understand what's going on and am planning my departure. Only last night, as we were walking out the door to go out for the evening I was asked why I was never able to see things from anyone else's point of view. It was so absurd it was laughable, given our relationship, but It suddenly dawned on me how often he would pick a fight a few minutes before leaving the house just to upset me. Once you understand what you're dealing with it, it all starts falling into place, so many thanks to all the therapists who share their expertise and help us all.
Spooky. Literally the same happened to me last night. I was stupid enough to get into that conversation. It cost me 2 hours of pointless difficult conversation and a sleepless night.
I would LOVE!! A video on the fact that narcissists utilize the fact of doing all their abuse and cruelty behind closed doors… no one else has witnessed it except you.. and they deny it and even in therapy dance around the subject..the absolute best thing to do is GET
AWAY from them leave them to their destinies
Or in therapy they act like you are the problem and they are doing everything they can but you won't accept it xx
@@KellyLouiseWiafe yep! Exactly..!😪
Damned right!! Always behind closed doors! I tried to control it by meeting in public, since the thing they covet most, is their facade. Everyone believes my dad, but finally his part-time healthcare worker saw his tantrum: him throwing a can of beans at her and screaming when she merely mentioned a helpful hint. But still, the scales tip his way. This is hell on earth.
@@CactusGal yep…! I totally understand your feelings of helplessness at their false ways!! But essentially they will be the ones to suffer from their behavior.. not us
I left my family and went no contact for mostly 40 years and was prompted to return to the family for my youngest son as he had no relatives left on my husband's side. We had limited contact and I could deal with it. My husband died 7years ago and recently my home was no longer available to me I have to move I had no where to go and now I am going to be living with my parents and I am not going to be able to make it work. I cried and cried and I felt like I was going to die. I had a lot to do and when I was packing up I was told I could only take a few things I was told there was no room for my things I had 2freezers full of food and when I found out that it was all spoiled my cairn terrier was frozen waiting for taxidermy and I was the bad one for being upset and I was told that I had to go I mean I was back in my childhood all of them against me. I left because my father sexually abused and never got believed then and still not believed I now think that my mom is a narcissist. Even though she was all about I had to go I caused her to feel stressed out and she didn't want to want to put up with my behavior I was upset about the way I was treated how dare I be so ungrateful I was just upset with a unreplacible thing my dog I was the bad one my animals had been left behind and they didn't have any problem with it and I was just trying to get them with me my mother gave me the money and her car to go get my animals I am now at my house and see how much I left behind and I can't fit NY animals and my stuff I was supposed to be back the next day and I am still here and I have not heard from them and I don't want to go back to the thing I was so happy to leave I saw so much more that I was good they want me stranded and the more I lable to make more sense of my life and I see the reality of the future for me is not good they want to destroy me and I am not going to be able to make it work I will have nothing and they will never be supportive only saying I am ungrateful as they roun my belongings and find my goals as bad for them I don't know what I am going to do but I am not going to back to the abuse my stuff is now 8hours away and I have no way to get it back to me and no where to go so I might be a suicidestory soon but it beats the life they have for me
Don't make the mistake of sharing your traumas to the narcissist. They will use it against you or to manipulate you, sometimes the same day you shared it with them. No shame to them as long as it hurts you and puts you in your place
The narcissist's place for me is subservient, just because he is male, doesn't mean he is superior.
I gave him results I have ADHD and he immediately starting making fun of me and I told my sister and she thought it was funny. I think my sister has NPD or high Narc traits and somebody in my family is a narc either my mom and dad they both suck so idk who it is.
Yes that was what happened when I shared with my daughter n law. I then according to her needed constant therapy and could not be around my grandson until I got it. Keep in mind I am a therapist and can easily see that she is a textbook therapist
Yes I didn't know anything about Narcissistic personalities until I got out of the relationship.
I think my narcissist boyfriend is trying to talk to my best friend behind my back but I'm not certain and it's driving me nuts! She acts like she hates him but I still don't trust her she has a history of getting with two of my ex's. What do I do in this situation?
With the bad news, they use your weakness against you.
👍👍👍
Thanks to her videos i understood i was in a narcissistic family and i m not the crazy one who deserves abuse .Im in no contact now .
Me as well. 👍
she's great. Good luck with no contact ❤
I feel you…
Same
Me too. Stay strong. Self care. You deserve to be nice to you.
DO NOT TRY TO TEACH A NARCISSIST OR NARCISSISTIC PARTNER ABOUT THERAPEUTIC TECHNIQUES ETC.. 😩 I tried to tell my boyfriend about boundaries in relation to me needing them for him (which he ignores anyways of course) and now he uses that as a way to argue with me. Anytime I have a problem with something he says “well this is my boundary” and uses that as a circular reasoning tactic. He’ll take things I say all the time to defend myself and use them against me.
Please do not marry him. Run. Thank goodness you are seeing this NOW.
You now know he will use what ever you try to make the relationship better and turn it in a control issue ,stop sharing what know ,stop sharing period and if your willing and able walk away ❤.
lol typical
Hahaha!!! They are very clever!! So he’s weaponising your request for boundaries and using it against you to shut you down!!😂 Tell him if he doesn’t like the drama, to stop creating it by being so childishly manipulative
RUN!
That makes so much sense . One second trying say let’s run away get married. Next abusing me verbally , back and forth all day long . Exhausting
Same.
Verbal abuse is a mind rape. Takes much longer to recover from then physical abuse. Verbally narcissist is able to hypnotize you into a single mass fantasy.
@@melodyjane71Same! It’s a.m roller coaster ride. I’m currently waking up to this yo-yo game playing.
@@michelevarady6071 my heart goes out to you! I heard somewhere that narcissists don’t have relationships they have hostages. It can take a long time to detangle from them and get free but it’s possible!!!
My husband said he was “all out of empathy” when I asked him about his affair while I was undergoing cancer treatment. He had no apparent concern at that moment. I don’t think he wanted me dead-we had a 9 yr old & a teenager-but he was so consumed by lust, he really didn’t feel anything. Moment of hard cold truth.
I hope no one has to undergo this. I pray for you and your heart and body….
I've been there sis. Stay strong.
My husband also told me that he lost empathy for me too. That I used it all up. It hurt me to my core. Because he betrayed me and I forgave him.
@@Guidancewithgrace777I am over here hoping you are NOT with this guy. I don't care what vows you took. They are in vain if you are with a narc. They are not supposed to reap the benefits of marriage. Please stop this. You are abusing yourself and to be quite frank I'm sick of people forgiving and giving their body and love to the undeserving. It has to STOP.
That's dark. Hope you got away
Once tell a narcissist something terrible I was going through and I was surprised I could see in there face that they could not contain the joy of hearing my suffering. Their eyes became wide and big and I could see the smile and expectation to hear more of my demise. Their reaction was so shocking!
Yes, they love it :(
Yes You're not lying That's my mother I'm 42 lived in apartments my whole life my landlord threatened for me to get out ask him to fix stuff and he didn't want to told me to get out Long story short I end up finding a nice house and she came over turned her nose up looked around and said I thought you would never live in a house almost if like she was upset that I got one or I didn't deserve to live there when I thought she would be happy for me😢
My ex actually laughed! The only time he came alive and animated was when something horrible happened to me. 3 years of hell and I suddenly said I was already feeling suicidal and wanted to kill myself, his answer was: "maybe you should". He meant it. My brain and body and spirit went into shock. I just left him two weeks ago. I have a lot of work to do for my recovery but wow I'm so happy I finally left!🙏
omg same...
Yes it's demonic! . JESUS WILL RETURN , X SEPERATE THE Sheep from the Goats!. There is a place for us all.
I am determined to not engage with my ex boyfriend who is a total narcissist. 2024 is going to be a better, happier year for me without this RAT who I kept thinking would finally change. Thank you so much Dr. R for these talks.
Girl I'm so mad I wasted (rang in the) my New Year with his ass.
I hope you have kept that determination friend. ❤
@@mandi.monroe he kept coming to my door, after I told him many times don't just show up at my door uninvited, so I just ignored him giving him a taste of his own medicine. I had to completely disengage and it seems to have worked.
KNOW THIS, they WILL NOT MISS YOU, they will NOT sit around and reminisce about the past (most have no real memories because they have no empathy and without that emotional TIE to the past, they are missing that cog). They DO NOT LOVE...not you, not their own kids, NOT THEIR DOG! You cannot love them into wellness. They have a life long uncurable DISORDER!
Everything-just EVERYTHING to this! Off the bat all I wanted to say was “iddddkkkkk pretty sure the narcissist in my life loves their dog more than anything in life” - after thinking about that for a millisecond, a lightbulb went off over my head like a damn cartoon! “HOLY SHIT the only reason they love their dogs so much is because they show them that unapologetic adoration they not only love, they thrive-if not SURVIVE on!!!!” Wow. Words cannot describe the true appreciate I have for not only these videos, but this thread. I now know that I’m not crazy, most importantly NOT ALONE!
1.we are not TOO SENSITIVE
1.our feelings are fuuuuuucking valid
3.WE. ARE. ENOUGH!!!!!!!!
💕🫶happy healing everyone🫶💕
I relate so much to the "People who end up in good relationships had a lot of luck." When I met my husband I was only 19. Had been kept from going to school on the pretense of being 'homeschooled' which ended up me being a 13 year old not knowing how to read. I grew up so isolated, my mom put alarms on the doors that would go off if one of us kids opened it. We were so badly neglected that we were all severely under weight, my sister had to have her hair sheered off because it hadn't been brushed in years, all of us suffer from bad dental issues now such as losing teeth, etc. We all have really bad trauma from it and unfortunately the eldest of my siblings has sadistic tendencies and the youngest of my siblings has full blown narcissism: she's said things like "I don't see the point if the world doesn't recognize how great I am." and "How dare you come down to California without my permission." Yes, she actually has said those things. My husband thinks our isolation made her more obvious a narcissist than she would have been had she been allowed to socialize earlier. Well, back to the topic of my husband. I loved him so much after knowing him for only 3 months, which I think might be typical. I didn't know him as well as I do now, and I thank my lucky stars that we ended up working. 11 years later, married, and happy, protected, loved, accepted, safe. I got very lucky.
Not lucky, God blessed you.He saw the depth of your heart..
Imagine someone telling you that you need permission to visit a state, an adult?
You have been through a lot, stay strong and close to God. Wishing you all the best.😊
You made my day. You deserved that love and so much more.
Absolutely not Luck! God gave you that Blessing. He saw all of the pain from your childhood.
If you’ve never been with a narcissist, you WILL fall in their web. Nothing can help you unless you were interested in narcissism before hand and learned about it.
I dealt with one years prior and just started looking into it and then watched the Dr. Ramani before but didn't notice I was in til 2 months in but he seriously made changes no other man has made. I'm not sure of the PvP but he definitely has traits. And has pulled some of these tactics on me.
Level****
Exactly, humanity must change this. At least teenagers need to learn about understanding ones self and others, like basic psychology. Narcicissm has deeply impacted our societies.
Narcissists hurt you like you’re being stabbed over and over again.
Not if you get away..yes it hurts but you don't deserve it.
I have finally learned not to confide in my mom. She might pretend to be sympathetic in the beginning just to pull the rug out from under me after I’ve opened up to her. It never fails.
Ironically, she has latched onto this counter-narcissism movement because her second husband was an even worse narcissist than her. lol
I can relate as my mother and father were very covert narcissist..combine that with SA from another family member and you get me with PTSD and severe Generalized anxiety disorder..kind of glad your mother ran into someone worse so maybe she could realize how her behavior affected you
Yes yes same here with my mom and her second husband
narcs don't only recognize when someone is playing them; they recognize when someone knows their game and won't play along. The volume also goes up then and the vindictiveness, smear campaigns, and retaliation are also turned up. Dealt with this with a narc supervisor for a few years. It was a hideous time but I learned a lot and could predict all of her moves once I knew how she behaved. She. hated. me. because I was on to her and her games. I was never disrespectful but also would not back down when I knew I was right; she couldn't stand that I had an opinion I dared express that differed from hers. I did my time and left and she tried her hardest to destroy me and others.
My cancer diagnosis was an opportunity for my ex to show off what a great and caring person he was. But it was all fake, and a farce. It was almost as if it was the best thing that could happen to him, so he could show off.
I never actually felt like he cared, he just showed up because that made him look good. The insults and bad behavior never stopped.
Thank you both for talking about this subject, and giving survivors a place to grow in our healing. ❤
I fully understand this feeling. Mine too care of me though my high risk pregnancy with our daughter, I was in terrible pain due to huge fibroids, I couldn’t sleep at nights, and sometimes hardly in the day either,I’d cry myself to sleep every day, sometimes the pain was so bad and I was so exhausted I passed out, but this was his opportunity to shine. He’d be praised for taking care of me while I was sick but no one heard his comments when I asked for something to help me, or saw how annoyed he got when I asked for something, how entitled he felt to my money, and my things, how he was disrespecting me by cheating and lying while I’m there sick with his child.
I’m sorry you had to go through this and I pray God heals your body, mind and soul from all of it! ❤
@@nerrissarichards I'm sorry you had to go through that. My heart goes out to you. ❤️
Absolutely, they only do things if someone else notices.
I'm so sorry you went through this. Did your cancer treatment go OK? Did you get out?
Thank you for saying that. I am in remission, and as long as I keep on top of my treatments, I don't expect it will come back.
I have been out of this relationship since May of last year, divorce was finalized in August.
I'm happier than I've ever been. 😊
Being with a narcissist is soul draining….. was with one for 20 years
I loved your statement...it is SOUL DRAINING. That is a great description.....my narcissist is a friend, and it feels at time exactly like that... Soul Draining.
Im so proud of you that you left ❤❤ brave
When I was 5 I knew something was wrong with my mother. So the terrible things she said and did to me, made me get stronger. I knew it was her not me and that made her crazy. It didn’t make sense to me I found her behavior to be irrational. I did hate her for along time, I saw her as pure evil. I did forgave her, but I had to keep her out of my life. She was filled with poison and the antidote is to stay away from poisonous people.
They relish the pain they're causing because it makes them feel powerful
Here’s some interesting feedback I thought of even before seeing this video: it’s almost like the narcissist creates insecurity in you, so you end up becoming sort of narcissistic, because you need that supply from others to validate and feel better about yourself. Almost like that reassurance that you aren’t the person, the narcissist was telling you that you were…. but for a narcissist, they are completely void of any internal reassurance, it makes me wonder how much damage could they have taken on to hollow them out so much so that they have to be “supply” consumers and never satisfied?
My husband told me early on in our marriage how empty he felt all the time… He was describing his narcissism to me, but we both didn’t know what it was. 14 1/2 years later I figured it out and now we’re getting divorced. it’s devastating, even though he was psychologically and emotionally abusive, I still have empathy for his inner child, and I am so sad, even though he traumatized me and his family and even our couples counselor doesn’t understand or probably believe me.
I believe you. Hugs.
Yes this idea resonates. I was raised by a narcissistic mother and I had to be exactly like her to be “loved”. I sought attention and validation from others and often things were all about me. I’m happy to say I have recovered but it’s been a long road. I think your comment is a reflection of how intelligent you are.
@@tanyacarlyle1422 thank you that’s very kind. Well, Sam Vaknin says narcissism is contagious. I believe it! I think when someone is being starved of empathy, they aren’t being seen, so they are essentially put into a kind of spiritual darkness, a void. It’s very sad. I also felt this way growing up-I think that’s what got me set up to be emotionally starved because I was used to it. I also felt controlled. I think my mother is narcissistic but not with NPD. My husband, YES HE IS…even though he took a multiple choice test from my psychotherapist that said “negative,” he was not fully & thoroughly evaluated-he insisted he just wanted a simple one & done TEST and it was after reading my diary…he was trying to discredit what I knew to continue to gaslight me. I think he took the test as his “masked” false self. Both he and our couples counselor (who doesn’t know about narcissism at all really) were telling me that I was not a therapist and I couldn’t diagnose a personality disorder. But I made very good point I think, “What’s a disorder? My psychotherapist friend says that a disorder is an exaggeration of normal behavior, so it’s a spectrum. When does it become a disorder? If you have a personality that causes you to live in the world and in your relationships in a way that you don’t like and it causes significant “disorder” in your life, and “disorders” your marriage…” But I know so much more about it now. I am constantly dealing with rumination 4 months post separation…conversations trying to explain reality to people who aren’t even there anymore… 🤦🏼♀️ I also realized that if Jesus said “the truth will set you free,” then if I am ruminating about needing others to know the truth for ME to be free, I’m giving my power away for my freedom, which I can only give to myself. Radical acceptance is hard.
My mother, ex husband and now ex fiance 😢..I'm so afraid to open up to anyone because I'm a narc magnet or at least that's how I feel. I'm so isolated.
Well said. Ending my 4+ year relationship required 2 years of mourning prior to the final goodbye...
When my Narcissistic father stopped talking to be for no apparent reason except small criticism, I wrote a highly critical email and haven’t heard from him in 7 years. They can be silent, but we can thrive without them. That’s what they hate.
My mom raged at me last night because I told her she made the right decision about a domestic case that happened when I was a child that she was sharing with me for the first time. She said she doesn't need my validation and I was insulting her. I'm still trying to understand how their brain works.
Honestly, you will never fully understand because our brain doesn't work that way. Observing it and knowing nothing you can do or not do to make it better. Freedom in that for me.
You never will get it. Her mind (and all narcs) is a moving target. You'd be better off trying to nail Jell-O to the wall.
@@Sunset-87 Correct. It's always going to be a lose-lose situation.
Hang in there…. It might take you until your last breath to figure her out. ✌️🙏
Yes, praise or kind words are always "condescending". It's a no-win.
Nearly every person that has asked me for friendship has turned out to be a very lonely yet selfish person . I love the way God helps us to stand up to bullies in later life when we have wisdom.
I feel like if somebody has to ask for your friendship it’s kind of weird and suspicious. Friendship should just come naturally.
Holy shit. All of the wrong things to say, I have said. And the reactions they said is exactly what happened! My husband's favorite is "You're out of control!"
Only very recently did I finally realize what he meant! Because I asked him "Please, tell me how I am out if control? I dont understand?"
And he could never really tell me what I was doing that was "out of control."
I AM OUT OF HIS CONTROL! 💡💡💡💡
This happened to me when I was married to a narcissist, I found out I was pregnant so I told my best friend, my sister and a colleague at work first and got the happiness from them so when I told the narc and he was dismissive it didn't matter. I would definitely recommend this tactic for survival. Thank you, Dr Ramani and Lisa xx
I'm so sorry.
I don't recall any joy from my narc ex at the news of our children, either, now that you mention that. 😢 I was too excited to notice, on the first 2. By the 3rd, I'd already planned on leaving and knew I had to stay years longer. I don't remember how I told him about our third. It was a terrible and abusive time, I have blocked it out.
Life after the destruction of leaving one has been a hard road. Marriage to one takes it's toll though. I could easily be dead already on that route. He was trying to kill me.
It was a tough marriage, for 18 years and it's still not over 5 years later. The post separation abuse is real and using the things you love such as the children. I am so sorry for you but glad you and kids are still alive and have gotten away xx
If you knew you needed to tell these other people first you knew what a horrible person he was yet you got pregnant anyway?
@@KAT-dg6elI thought the same. Why bring a child into the toxicity? I wouldn't my child to have that dna.
They project their fears and limitations onto you. They don't believe in themselves, so they don't want you to believe in yourself.
Bingo! It hurts them for you to be sure of yourself so they attempt to make you feel insecure like them.
"They get angry at the person showing the emotion Because theyre angry at the thing that brought up this bad feeling of shame. You made me feel bad, by feeling bad about the bad thing I did. "
It makes so much sense looking back to times my ex would make me cry and then get irate and berate me for crying and tell me im manipulating him into feeling bad by crying.
Yup mine betrayed me and was surprised when I asked, admitted it but ONLY after he found some "excuse" to give me which ended up using my words against me and then tried defending his decision if the betrayal over and over. Ended up blaming me.
Of****
This is my marriage- completely and totally described. My jaw dropped several times during this talk. I’ve gone through upto 6 months of my husband’s silence- when he had accused me of deliberately getting pregnant to tie him down. Currently I’m going on day 5 of not talking to him- back then, it used to be torture. Now it’s a relief of not having to listen to his voice.
The only thing keeping me sane is squirreling away money for a rainy day- I’m here for the ease of lifestyle for my kids.
Same here...I was self sufficient until he broke me down and I had a nervous breakdown (as I was raised by narcissist) now I went back to school and finish in January..as soon as I start work in my field..I am GONE
I hope you leave soon for the children. I grew up with a Narcissist mother. I'm still suffering today because of it!!
Then they resort to singing songs at you, laughing extremely loud, talking on the phone loud around you, and talking to themselves. It’s annoying until you just begin to hear them as background noise.
Keep saving , good luck.
I totally relate to the silent treatment feelings! My mother in law does them and it was so painful in the beginning but after therapy I "enjoy the peace" of her absence 😅
You just described how my sheltered, immature, 20's self (raised on love stories) was wooed by my narc ex-hubby. It was eerily accurate. Realizing that love at first sight, soul mates, etc are make believe was a painful process.
I do think they exist, just not in the way society has made us view them.
I learned this the hard way when I tried to make a hobby into something lucrative. I ended up abandoning the idea because I stupidly believed that their validation mattered. It doesn't. Now I am doing something entirely different(thriller book author)and I do not discuss anything I am doing in regard to this, nor do I share any of the stuff I am doing otherwise. They never asked me anything about myself anyway but would always have a slick comment when I started to get too 'high' by advancing my skills with my hobby(custom cake decorating). I have really studied the situation and I have softly gone no-contact with the toxic people in the family as well as those who only pretended to be true friends when they needed something from me. Lesson learned!
I appreciate Lisa for bringing up narcissistic mothers! It is the quiet epidemic that no one wants to address and even Dr Ramani didn’t seem to shy away a little. Yes we know men are narcissistic but having a narcissistic mother impacts men & women so badly. Men that have narc mothers go on to hurt other women in someway & the cycle continues, we need to talk about it more!
Women of narc mothers def have the ability to hurt others too. Regardless of gender, being raised by a narcissist is so damaging.
My mom was a narc and the suffering was agonizing. I believe she legitimately deserves prison time for what she’s done.
Part of me as a man never recognizing a narcissist partner is because Narcissist disorder is only talked about by woman and how they are effected so i never listened
Dr Sherri Campbell goes deep into Narc Mothers. Danu Morrigan also gives good insight into Narc Mother s. Or NM. Dealing with NM takes strategy, patience, and prayer. I've been listening to Dr Ramani and working on my relationship with my NM. I even thought the NM was "changing".....😅Lol....fooled again....
Absolutely hidden as it’s so “ blaming “ The Work, Byron Katie fills in those gaps. Can’t lie to yourself, most do until they don’t.
Live and learn 🪷🦉⚖️🐦⬛🤍🖤
Narcissists want you to feel guilty as if everything is your fault.
Never expected to overhear a conversation with my narcissistic husband attempting to have me put in jail ... this was the last straw!
The narcissit never wants to think that other people will 'find out that they are a bad person ... they become angry when they realize other people might suspect the truth in any way, shape or form ... then you become the person they focus on - because you are the person who let the secret out ...
I ended it 2 weeks ago and have gone no contact after being with him on and off for 44 years. The only part I can't figure out is how we can go on for so long not realizing thr extent of abuse. It makes me feel so stupid and desperate. But this feeling of freedom is indescribable!! I have been listening to you tube videos on narcicissm for a while but just discovered you today. You are awesome!
We aren’t aware because they are cunning and wily, know how to mess with us and isolate us, have us living on a roller coaster & treading on eggshells
Don't feel stupid. I did too but with videos I found out that I was so trauma bonded and afraid..I stayed 50 years. Been gone 5 years and I am a new person. Finally have some peace in my life and so much closer to God !
@@GeriRogers I am also much closer to God and I know in time he will reveal why I had this person in my life for so long. Thank you for your comment. I hate to know so many have suffered like me but on the other hand it's comforting to know I am not alone.
You do what you can with the information you had at that time.
Never feel stupid, repay them with having a great life ❤
Congrats ! Mine waited patiently....stay strong when he tries to come back.
The danger zone of leaving has to take into account the possibility of murder.
So many these days.
but must be done secretly with the help of police and a solicitor.
They don’t like to lose control of you,,,ur their slave to them…yeah watch them when u leave.
I told my narcissistic brother that he was a narcissist and he hasn't spoken to me since. I'm much more at peace without him and his pathetic narcissm in my life. Talking with him was always a strain and if I presented a differing opinion, he couldn't take it. I don't cater to narcissm and narcissists, even in my own family.
My brother is similar and all my life, I have gotten hurt by his behavior but didn’t know it was narcissism until now. Our relationship has faded away because I haven’t catered to him in years and chose to express my hurts. They really don’t care once you no longer give them the same energy, attention, care. Their “love” is purely self-serving and transactional.
These comments raise an obvious question ... i can guess some ithe answers .. why does someone have NPD but a sibling doesn't .. when parenting issues are the cause
@@johncitizen9540 Because parenting issues are only part of the cause. Not everyone who has endured childhood trauma goes on to become a narcissist. It’s a choice or tendency of that individual, something I’m assuming is predetermined (before birth).
@@johncitizen9540Two siblings can be raised in the same household, but parenting can be extremely different for each child depending what role you are assigned. If you are the golden child for example you are more likely to become narcissisic, if you are the truth teller/ scapegoat you are more likely to leave the toxicity and seek therapy to heal. Another example boys are often coddled by their mothers growing up which could contribute to narcissism whereby girls are taught to cater to men.
I left 3 of 4 of my siblings. They are flying monkey's
Thank you so much Dr Ramani. Your videos are what I watch when I feel drawn to allow contact again. This is like an AA meeting for narcissistic abuse survivors.
I feel like this too! Mornings are so hard for me. I just play her TH-cam videos and that truly helps me to be ok with today. Helps me to remember it isn’t me, I didn’t do this, I didn’t deserve this and it is about them not me.
Don’t even tell a narcissist that you’re having a good day. They’ll make sure your day becomes a bad one just to regain their position of power over you.
They are without a doubt, witches and sorcerers.
Everything she teaches is spot on. I’ve survived past 3yrs listening to her online. Most therapists don’t take insurance of any sort (if a person even has insurance) and I never had 150-300 to apply to one session. She’s not emotionally charged but intellectually fluent in her understanding of all variables involved in the subject. I will always listen to refresh my knowledge and trying hard to apply to my life.
I have a narsistic mother and ex. I have left both of them. They are both alike.
Thank you for your information and advice.
Good side having a narcissistic abuse is become stronger once you overcome
Remember the devil disguises himself as an angel of light. So remember who is behind the mask.
I learned that “nice” people can be so mean . So easy to be taken in by the narcisitic tricks
@@Clover12346👍👍👍
Amen 🙏🏾 Right answer.
That mocking comment about seeing a therapist hit very close to home. My brother did that to me a few weeks back. I was in counseling to deal with 5 years of family shunning. I have not been invited or included in their family gatherings. I generally find out about them after the fact. He tried to tell me I was nuts, that it wasn’t happening and that he could “guarantee you that at least 3 of your siblings and our parents” would come to my counseling to straighten me out. Counsellor said that’s not how he works. The whole exchange with my flying monkey brother left me feeling sad and nauseated.
@@BA-vx7gb I need to learn how to not engage in these pointless painful talks. I do too much defending and explaining and hoping there’d be a smidgeon of empathy shown.
The same way you deal with your three year old crying child is how you deal with an adult yelling narcissist.
@@_SKY_BLUE_...yup big babies
My ex husband reached the point of accusing me of sleeping with my dead father for me to react after I learnt from your videos not to take it personal ,not to engage,explain or react !silent treatment was his usual punishment not talking to you the whole day and expecting you to sleep with him because you are his wife!evil people no empathy or emotions.Divorced him eventhough he refused to sign the paperwork and walked out with nothing but my children, my health,peace,sanity and blessings after 17years of marriage
Doing this soon! Glad to know I don't need his signature.
The sexual abuse they deal in is another hard aspect of having to be in a relationship with them. I hope you have support. And I wish you'd have kept the house and sent him packing. That was a bad mistake I made when leaving mine. I also was still protecting his image and didn't put cruelty and abuse on the divorce papers. That came back to bite me too. 😖
You are brave, and a survivor! So proud of you!
@@CactusGal thank you,it means a lot
@@queenrrainy4625 We need to support one another, especially when we're "down" ourselves.
When she says that they get mad when something is wrong and you need help, like cancer... That hit home. My ex who I believe is on the narc spectrum hung up on me while I was 20 weeks pregnant because I felt a lot of pelvic pressure and I was terrified I was gonna lose the baby... I called him crying and asked him to come over and he said, "no", got mad and hung up on me.
I hope you’re ok and you got the power to leave him huni x
Doctor Ramani is a god send ❤ so much love and respect for what she has done for the narcissistic abuse community & psychology. Thank you so much 😊
So look where you were 10 years ago and look where you are now! What changed?1
18:52
I now know ! That's where I am now.....over 50 years of covert abuse.....now I am free woth a future .😊
With
Yes . .
she is awesome! She has helped me immensely. Dr. Ramani doesn't judge the victims who cannot or are not ready to leave.
Dr Ramani is one of my heroes and mentors and saved my life. ❤
❤
I have a lot of sigma traits. Highly analytical, highly observant, extremely independent and self sufficient… That being said, I have been completely blind sided by narcissistic people. As in, I’m only now seeing the red flags I should have seen. Narcissistic people are no joke!!! Thank you very much for sharing your knowledge! It really helps as I put things together.
Same, i didn't expected a person i just helped would steal from me and bluntly lie in my face😅
The're sooo small, greedy and sneaky, i can't believe it
Yeah. You just described my life..I have been targeted by Narcissists for 23 years
@kirkturnage3426 I'm very independent, very self aware and I was just pulled into this world (I've watched Dr. Ramani before and dealt with a narc online before this) but never did I think I'd be pulled in by one romantically. Also I thought my older sis was a socio but I think she leans more towards a narc.
Same here - just like everything in life look at as training/experience to make you more aware moving forward. It’s really a tough situation to be in when you consider yourself sane and competent and someone has you questioning those things about yourself.
Understand fully what she is talking about here. Wanting to be in control, not wanting to talk about their behavior and actions that stir up shame in them, never apologizing. Instead of saying you’re to sensitive ( which is kind), they say you’re bipolar or some other label that doesn’t apply. I’ve never been diagnosed as being bipolar, autistic, suicidal etc. I’m not taking any prescription medication. This person puts labels on me and isnt even qualified to do so. Especially when no one else in my life says that to me .this person stirs in me emotions that I don’t have when I’m with other people. They know how to push my boundaries. Person withholds affection, wants control and manipulation, verbal put downs know I’m being gaslighted. Unfortunately I can’t walk away when I have to coparent with him.
My mother did that with me, she would put labels on me and do false diagnostics when she is not qualified to do, not a medical professional, nothing. She accused me for YEARS of having an ''illness'' of ''hypersensitivity, that I ''refuse to get help'' and repeating on every roof top that I ''needed help'', to basically slander me.
Dr. Ramani is on point on narcissists. I literally just got out of a relationship with someone like this, literally! This is crazy!
Thank God you are out! I wish you the best in your healing ❤
Too bad I can't divorce my dad(narcissist) as my Mom divorced his sorry ass!
Congratulations! 🙂
I am 66 and have been dealing with this for 15 years i was told if i divorce him he will ruin me. I cannot take the control and manipulation any more. I have studied NPD for ten years he hits every mark, then of course Dr. Ramini is just incredible.
8:55 Thank you! This helped me understand why he did it, how he could be so disgusting and hateful to me for showing any signs of being hurt by a gut-wrenching betrayal.
All because he didn't like anything making him feel like he wasn't the good guy. But that sure never stopped him from doing horrifically shitty things 🤔
This: " he didn't like anything making him feel like he wasn't the good guy but that surely didn't stop him from doing horrifically shitty things."
I'll narcslate- he doesn't like you knowing/outting/confronting the fact he planned and enjoyed doing horrid shitty things. He prefers you a victim entangled in his claws thrashing around, constantly unsuspecting of his next attack. Also he'd like for you to routinely lash out (preferably in public) so he can say your irrational/unstable/crazy.
No contact if you can.
@@jayrodriguez4119 Thank you! I have been fully no contact for over 3 months now. Also, I love that word, "narcslate" and may have to steal it.
When people act crappy, they always feel provoked - like they didn't start it. They always have an excuse; always have someone else to blame. (It's part of why they didn't grow up to be nicer; if it wasn't their fault, they have nothing to work on - so they remain around 6 years old in interpersonal development/resolution skills.)
She said “ I DON’T WANT A DAMN ROSETTA STONE to interpret this relationship” 🙌🏾👏🏾😂😂😂😂
DR. Ram!! 🚶🏾♀️😅
🤣🤣🤣
Being a total recluse is so absolutely liberating and highly recommend to all that have and suffer from these all to common problems amongst the general public and society as a whole! ...no people to deal with equals no problems! Pure and very simple!! 😮😮😮😊😊
This explains why narcissistic people at work don't like it when I settle back and walk like I was in basic military training (expressionless focused) not able to read my emotion at all! ❤
"When "love" is dependent on never getting close." Wow.💡
I refuse to walk in the narrative of who you think I am.
I just love watching Dr Ramani talk. She’s so engaging and warm. Even from the computer screen.
❤
My lord you are helping me this morning. My husband had a rage last night and is now ghosting me in the other bedroom. I’ll be punished this way all day I already know. It was such a little trigger that set him off. So quick the minute I got home from work yesterday… I’m at the indifference stage in our marriage. It’s very freeing.
No judgement, why do you stay with him?
What are you concerned about? Think a minute. Why do you feel bad because he’s sulking over something he did his own self. Enjoy the peace and quiet
@@marydipietro8124it takes time to enjoy him giving you silent treatment . We get mad at first at his baby attitude. Then we love it ! He'll always come back asking for things . It's gross . If he touches me I feel raped . Yet I'm married so it's.......nothing right . I had cops here 2 times today as he takes money away to controll me . See I had kids , he wouldn't watch ! So he wanted a house Wife. He drove the kids away . And treated me worse even beats me . I'm sick of it .
Sometimes for some of us who have been emotionally broken and they convinced us to spend any money we had, you become codependent. All I was left with is my retirement pension and it’s not enough to survive unless I go to a women’s shelter. Brings me so many tears because first when this nightmare started, I was the breadwinner. When we met he never told me he was about to file bankruptcy and when I found out after we got married I had to become the breadwinner and I had to buy a car for us and help with the purchase of our home and I spend everything I ever saved. Now I have to help with all the expenses and when I’m done my check is gone and that’s how I became codependent and now I don’t get enough to live on my own. It became shut up and put up or leave. 😢😢
I completely understand the indiffence phase of my ex-narc husband and our pathetic marriage. 36:05 36:06 . Did you then move into the phase where you would fantasize about them getting hit by an 18 wheeler? Or smashing their head in with a cast iron skillet? Well, i did...and that was when I knew I needed to leave. Good riddance! Divorced almost 7 years and found my peace. God bless you ❤
“You made me feel bad by feeling bad about the bad thing I did… how DARE you!”. So spot on. If the emotion doesn’t reflect poorly on them (in their mind) it isn’t gonna get the same response.
I can resonate with all Dr. Ramani has shared. I have kids by a Narcissist and he had 7 kids before our kids. It was a nightmare being with him but even more so leaving him. When I finally got out, I experienced the silver lining of knowing I’ll NEVER endure anyone like him again!!
This kinda put me on alert. I’m listening cuz I think my bf is a narcissist and he is JUST like this! He has 7 kids now. 4 broken families. And yet here I am trying to be #5 and I can’t even tell you why.
Every word I've been dealing with for 16 years. Now he's called it quits. Now the healing process starts for me.
I know a three year old is more connected than a narcissist. I witnessed it. A four year old has more ability to connect and take responsibility, I witnessed that too.
A five year old is more emotionally developed than a raging narcissist. That sounds harsh but I seen it and felt it before I understood narcissism and its horrendous traits.
I love Dr Ramani. After I gave birth and was struggling she really did help. I watched him get engaged a few months after I gave birth and now married to his now third wife (not who he was engaged with after I gave birth 🙃😬) within 3 years of my daughter being born was rough but hearing her explain how a narcissist thinks and works helps. He isnt even a real person to me now. Like I never personally met the real him. All while he was in those relationships he told me how much he wanted to be a family every once in awhile.
2 years old us not having any contact ❤️ In the end of the day I rather him just move on and forget we exist, its a blessing
I've been trying to walk away from this guy off and on for 13 years. I am finally standing my ground to him and he is realizing I am being serious this time. He's said so many hurtful things about me because of that and basically that no one will want me but him. I never thought he would be so cold. Trying not to take it personal because I know he's losing control and lashing out, but still hurts.
She is right about that. The voice never goes away. I know the voice it's right and I tell myself that is your mom talking, Not you. And it helps her stop talking. I try not to feed that beast by watching TH-cam videos like this. Ya"ll help.
So pleased ist helping my homie! Appreciate you!
Grieving who you thought the person would be is proving to be a little difficult. It’s hard to fathom a person can change in an instant and you feel like you never knew them. Literally longing for what used to be, but having to accept that what used to be was just a game. Your mind literally plays tricks on you.
Don't walk, RUN!!!
I will never believe in myself either. My father hammered that into me my whole childhood. It was reenforced by a 30 year narcissistic marriage. I do believe in you Dr. Ramani.❤
It’s a good start! 💜
Well you need to change that because if you don't believe in yourself no one else will😮
9:34 my ex in a nutshell…My goodness this video is GOLD‼️ Radical Acceptance was the best part of this lesson❤ 1:26:25 I am finally after being in a relationship for 31 years I’m ready to be in my solitude ; be with me and really embrace it ‼️
I've had the time to learn so much since doing so ❤
Things if I'd known years back everything would be different. But I'm glad to know them now, and for Dr Ramani's videos. So helpful to know how to deal with these people, because there seems to be no shortage of them.
And congratulations on your new life 🎉🌻
best of luck on this next chapter of your life! enjoy!
@@MsWest-tf6xu Giiiirl tell me about it 🤷🏽♀️It’s like they coming out the woodwork 😂
@@MsWest-tf6xu Awww thank you 🙏🏽 one day at a time ❤️