Thank you for putting into words how a DA feels and operates. It's incredibly validating. I unfortunately am a DA and it is so rough to start and commit to a relationship. I don't want to hurt anyone but I also have a need/desire for companionship. The only problem is I'm not able to let myself be 100% in the relationship, which sucks for the other person. Your channel has given me power in owning up to my problem areas and finding ways to be more secure and available. I'm not completely there yet but am able to recognize my patterns which I believe is the first step to healing!! Thank you a billion
I'm happy to hear you're working on yourself. FA here and I'm a work in progress too. 💗 Just to pick you brain a little, are you upfront about not wanting a relationship from the beginning? The comment you made about not wanting to hurt anyone but have a need/desire for companionship sounds exactly like my on and off again DA ex. I'm super upfront to everyone at least by the 3rd date so there are no mixed messages or hurt feelings, but my DA didn't do that. He came off as excited and open to a possible long-term relationship, expected exclusivity, yet didn't want the label after few months in and everytime I leave he comes back better and more available, but never with both feet in. We were talking about a mutual friend recently and I mentioned how this friend is casually seeing a woman who really cares about him and he's kind of ehh about her, but still keeps her around. I don't believe they have sex due to a condition he has, so it's not a sex thing. Anyway, when I said it wasn't cool that he keeps her in limbo he said "Well he's probably lonely and wants company." I was so annoyed and responded "That's not cool. She could be out there meeting someone who wants and values her and instead is sticking around doing kind things for someone who's lonely and just wants company?" Obviously I was projecting lol, but his opinion was really telling. I guess if both parties are aware there's a good possibility that it will never go anywhere then that's okay. But personally I stay single and prefer it because for one I truly like being alone and two, I never want someone to keep me around with no intentions other than good company and companionship.
I'm a DA and INTP. Can't speak for the other person but you can pick my brain. Loneliness sets in after a certain age after your creature comforts gets old. DA's are human too we all need to have human interaction. Unfortunately we're wired to be more logical then emotional. Do we want to be in a cave and left alone till we die? Some might. But I'm guessing the majority yearns for that human connection that isn't draining to them. We all want to be loved and understood. I guess the big question from a DA's point of view is what is a relationship? You might not like or understand that answer.
@@gurlycash7394 which is why communication is so important and it's very hard to communicate with my DA. I've known mine for over 20 years and he would always open up to me when we were friends but in a relationship not so much. Since we've known each other forever, I've seen him in relationships where they've lived together. He had such tumultuous relationships that the thought of a label freaks him out. We've had 3 cycles. One was in a relationship and 2 were in situationships. This past cycle he was talking about moving in together. I guess I'm very black and white. You're either together or you're not. I have no interest in being the woman a DA keeps for human interaction or companionship. We have brought our kids around each other, we're exclusive, but feels doesn't want anyone to need him for anything yet needs me a lot. It's just frustrating. It's like Thais has said, we show up to play the same game with 2 different sets of instructions. FA's don't do very well with gray areas. Now I'm in PDS working on myself. I can say for a fact that I will not enter back into this again without being on the same page. It's scary in the gray area...like living in a constant turbulent plane ride. I honestly wish I could do it because we love each other very much, but I'm breaking my own boundaries and making myself uncomfortable to ease his stress and worries over relationships and that won't work.
I guess my DA was not ready because man did he pull back over the most minor of emotional connections. We had one good day together where we really could have started to build momentum, but he bowed out instead. Talk about being nowhere near commitment. He kept talking about wanting to get married too. Oh hun, you ain't ready!
All these theories & concepts in human relationships are exhausting . I live on a farm & have great non verbal, telepathic relationships with my animals. They know that I love them, & they love me in return ; The only pain I experience is when they die. Shalom
I know the feeling, I feed my local birds, I know the crows love me, and I love them. Nothing complicated about it. Just pure telepathic love, no words, no complications, no game playing.
This is so true!! And listening to Thais all this while helped me be prepared for this slow progression without taking it personally. This has been the first time I've been in a stable relationship and the irony that it is with a DA! I distinctly remember the slow movement (took 4-5 months) from talking a little every day to 4 hours every day to talking less over the phone and being more together in person. This has been the best relationship of my life! I'd say nothing will make you want to be secure faster than being with a DA lol.
He has deactivated exactly once (I had no interest is finding out why). In that time, he still spoke to me but he'd put up a wall, was curt and pushing me away. That behavior lasted 3 days, after which, it has been business as usual. We're on the phone twice a week about an hour and spend the weekends together. Reaching here took a year. There are no tips. If they're having a good time with you, then you could be the devil and they will still stick around. So the real question is, are YOU having a good time? And what about YOU (not the DA) needs to change for that to happen? For some background, I've had professional help + done a lot of reprocessing work + this channel has been a blessing. But that was my journey to take, not the DAs.
You can’t have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy partner. What Thais’ videos do encourage the partner of the DA to accommodate the DA. That’s not healthy; that’s enabling.
@@godislove4540 She always advocates leaving a relationship that is not serving you if they've tried different strategies and the needle isn't moving. She tries to bring awareness as to why different attachment styles do the things they do (trauma), and it's up to each person if they want to work on it or move on to another partner. She never wants anyone to stay in a relationship where they don't feel valued or seen or heard. -PDS team member
Overall, being in a relationship with a DA feels like walking on eggshells. You can do all the learning and trying to not personalise their actions but feels like one loses their individuality. There is a lot of compromise needed. When they cancel plans last moment, because of emotional bandwidth exhaustion, it is tough to stay patient. My DA partner is a very nice person, great son, brother, friend.. all this except when he is a romantic partner
Funny, I'm in a relationship with one now and it feels like I finally don't have too. My last long term relationship with with an anxiously attached partner with whom I felt as if I was walking on eggshells. Pretty much exactly the opposite. Relationships are so unique. 🤔🤔♥♥
@@sunbeam9222 Being AP or DA is considered a insecure attachment style, and it's good to work towards a secure attachment from either party. It should be a guide to help us identify our insecurities and work on them, especially in a relationship. It should not be a prescription to avoid a certain type because you are insecure in a particular way. Healthy relationships and healing relationships can occur between every combination of attachment style. If you're a DA or AP, you ought to try and work on yourself for the health of your own relationships. And it's even better to have open conversations with your partner about these things. Finding a relationship where you both take responsibility to work on yourselves for yourselves and each other is always going to be the best route towards a healthy and healing relationship.
@@sunbeam9222 due to your reply, I’m not sure you understand my point. But regardless, as long as you aren’t praying that one attachment style realizes it’s the other’s problem and not also their own.
Their lack of trust and distracting activities cause them to want to move very slowly. The world is scary in their stories. Those who refuse to do the work. Emotional phobics.
3 months in, still somewhat casual. Started with fireworks for both of us, but I've felt the pullback! I'm an AP so it's hard, but as I learn and grow myself it's getting easier! We text every day, go out fairly regularly... but yes I can see the unavailability. All this has shown me the unhealthy attachment in myself, and I'm healing. Your videos have helped so much! Understanding the why behind her hesitancy, and working on myself is the only reason I haven't imploded in anxiety and called it off. I appreciate the slow now, if you want something to last don't rush it!
Thais, this video is so spot on! I’m an AP with major codependent tendencies, I’ve been seeing my DA partner since a year now. On the 6th month mark.. we had this conversation about exclusivity and he told me he wanted to take things slow and build a strong friendship that turns into a relationship, it just felt right to me as I come from a history of being with partners who came off too strong in the beginning and left just as quick! I agreed to take the slow route… 6 months later, being a religious PDS student, taking therapy and watching Thais on TH-cam, meditating, journaling.. I’m asking for my needs and communicating in a way that’s considerate of both my needs and his(thanks to the scripts at PDS) my DA partner wants to spend more time with me, he calls me randomly, when he’s going into his shell for a few days he messages me saying “it’s nothing personal and I’m just having a hard time”, I let him be and work on my career, body and self development meanwhile. Being with any attachment style who isn’t actively working on themselves is hard, let’s not victimize DAs. They’re just as deserving of love as the rest of us. I truly feel for my DA partner and I’m willing to make this relationship a safe place for the both of us. To anyone who’s wondering if a DA+AP/FA can work, here’s a sign! ❤
I’ve been “talking /dating “ a DA for four years and he still wouldn’t move forward with a committed relationship. It’s so painful. I finally had to be done
I do want a relationship, I felt like to much of a failure still. I am aware of my inconsistency now, not fighting being vulnerable on a personal level anymore. I have made mistakes which I am aware of and changing now.
I’ve been with my DA for over a year now. At first he really wanted to spend time together would message and call when wanting to get to know me. This slowly died down and at first I didn’t get it and took it personal but now we see each other every 2 weeks sometimes weekly and don’t message everyday. When we are together things are great. When we are apart I do sometimes feel like I need more communication but I underhand as an AP he isn’t going anywhere and value our time together when we do meet. I notice DAs lack affection touch etc. This is my only issue as it’s my love language. I’m going to see how the next stage develops but love these videos to help guide me xxx
Same situation as mine,I just hope they'll be more open up by time and start to show a little bit more affection and initiative,that is a tiny little thing I miss here
@@toodismissive he’s been really vulnerable around me as I’ve allowed him too with no judgement but sometimes when he does it’s like the next day he’s embarrassed about it. Yea I love affection and I have expressed this many times and he does try x
@@hotpink3459 we both used to initiate spending time together. However we are no longer together now. He ended things out of the blue really random. I blocked him and moved on. Within a year I have met the love of my life, bought a house and expecting a baby. I don’t recommend being with a DA find someone secure that understands you and is willing to be patient x
I knew within 10 minutes of meeting that he was not emotionally available. So sad. We have an amazing connection, but he just pulled away. Currently, no contact
Same situation here. It was really confusing because he was so excited to meet and we had a great time together. When it was time to say good-bye, he was emotionally checked out already. Took 4 weeks to get a response of “I was just digesting everything…we’re not a good fit, let’s move on”. 😢.
Another timely video, especially understanding dating my DA ex. We're working on navigating the pace, she has been showing more effort this time around which is good
DA can change if they are made aware of their patterns and see the damage. I used to be extremely DA years ago and no idea what made me lose feelings all of a sudden. I've been slowly improving over the years but didn’t gain complete awareness until I stumbled upon Thais' videos a few weeks ago. I've been making conscious efforts every day since to practise vulnerability and it's not as scary as I thought!
This sounds nice in theory, but from someone who dated a DA asking and talking about any of these things just scares them. And when u want to get closer to someone it’s hard to mention personal needs or anything about a progression as it makes them want to pull away. Even if they want to have the convos, they don’t handle the after well.
I definitely have noticed this as well with a DA I'm trying to be in a committed relationship with . The moment you bring up how you feel about something especially if it's negative . Like I'm just talking to you not fighting . I'm giving constructive criticism .
This is pretty much what happened in my just ended relationship with a DA. How ironic that I just got this now after everything is over, but it is a salve knowing how he reacted.
The same thing happened to me, though I still struggle with knowing if she is a DA or a FA. Regardless, it is nice to know that there is a logical explanation of the behavior.
I’m do my VERY BEST to remember that there is levels to how far leaning someone is DA. I’m sure some DA’s are functional I’ve just never experienced it. To my DA’s in the chat… for the love of GOD go to therapy so we can love you for the wonderful selves I’m sure you are.
I wonder if Da's are really aware how screwed up their behavior feels to their partners? And, if them being in denial is very prevalent in their own perspective of their relations. I know plenty of acquaintances they flat out refuse therapy/analysis, seems like they're reallt afraid not of positive outcome or change but this phobia they're 'crazy.'
Imo usually the texting starts to dwindle after the first few months. When commitment starts forming, they start pulling away. I’m Slightly AP with heaps of experience dating avoidants
We've been dating a month and a half and just started good morning and good night texts 😂 And we went from being physical to "friendly" now. I think that was the right decision, because we've seen each other 5 days out of the past week. And he's been taking care of me a lot. Really, removing the physical aspect has been huge.
It is not only the pace what matters, is also the unstability, the poor communication, and the lack of affective responsibility. My ex was cute, but he also was all I said, so just trying to suggest that a relationship will work without a commitment with psycho terapy, is a very very very bad idea.
Here's a tip. A long distance relationship with a DA is perfect from them. Like facetime, text, ect. Nothing in person. If you decide to close that in person proximity, and become physical closer, limit it to 2 full days or 5 days but no more than 6 hours a day. It's ok to tell them you have stuff to do now and go home or they should go home and recharge. And be prepare to see them physically every other week. Actually you should plan it that way. Until..........?
IME, a DA likes to keep all options open: having dated for 17 months, I've recently been informed that he is prolific on dating apps, and that while I've been his one constant, there has been a stream of other women he's been on one or two dates with that hasn't gone any further.
@@Adriana.Gabriela yes, I've called it quits. He's middle aged, has never had a committed relationship in his life. He's fully DA. He needs validation from multiple sources and I don't think that will change. It's been incredibly disappointing. He sought to meet my children, and then this.
@@yellowtheresunshinehe sounds more like a narcissist than DA. Remember DAs still feel/love you but find it hard to express and pull back when they do. They aren’t cheaters etc unless he isn’t into you fully
Your channel is so helpful! Have you done any videos on how the DA can show up for their secure partner? Or how they can understand our point of view since we are so naturally accommodating? I feel like I’ve learned a lot about them but I don’t know if they have material to help see things from my perspective.
DA’s don’t care about the their partner’s needs. If you look at the research, they don’t even have an emotional upset after a break up. They are kinda dead inside…
I’m not sure if there are any like that specifically but maybe! Some similar ones might be: “Top 5 tips when your partner is securely attached” & “how a secure person reacts if their da partner pulls away” They’re quiet when feeling things because of their fear of vulnerability but they do feel emotions even though they try repressing them to not feel hurt. It’s more of a protective mechanism than trying to actively shut the other person out, though it can come across this way. If a DA is open to healing, they can very much do so with the work and patience. It’s a scary thing for them and usually they feel “why am I like this” so healing would feel very freeing to them I’d think. They also like things like this brought up in a logical way where they know this isn’t saying “something is wrong with you you need to fix it” but rather to make it feel like “hey there’s this cool thing I’m learning about you wanna check it out?” Best of luck :)
My FA leaning Dismissive initiates meeting once a week. He is the one who asks to spend time together each time. We usually spend Saturday and Sunday together but he has now pulled back to one day a weekend instead of two.
My DA ex first said I love you in a text after I was pulling away. Then I had to break up with him in a text because he ghosted me when we were supposed to hangout. He left me hanging a few times. I spent too much time trying to make it work I should have seen the signs much earlier so that’s my fault.
@@abdulmateenmaher6956 he said I love you in a text and when I went to talk about it in person he totally shut down. DAs can say it, it’s not impossible. He always became passionate about morals and doing the right thing and yet was too scared of being vulnerable. He held everything in, even told me he though he was defective and not worthy of love. Which apparently is a DA core wound.
@@chloehammond2836 Yes I agree to what you said. I told my DA I love her and she was like ..."stop saying that it scares me". I asked why and she replied that she is not a good person and loving her a mistake. I really felt bad for what she said. I told her I need to say it to her as I've been keeping it my heart for long time. She shut down after that.
I think 3 months can be the transitionmark from the dating stage to the honeymoon stage where some commitment is requiered. Sometimes the transition can be later than 3 months. Thais teaches that after the honeymoon stage comes the power struggle phase and after it the commitment phase.
That's about right. It's usually my make it or break it mark. However, as I get older I try to cut it closer to 3 dates to either end it because there's not enough there or if I'm going to keep it going then see where his head is at.
Mine sees me once in 3-4 weeks BUT.. He texts daily , several times a day and night!!!🙉 This must be his way of being constantly close while protecting himself from vulnerability 🤔
@user-gt4bz2zq7f I ended it due to a lack of communication. Don't compromise yourself if you want more time with your partner. Express your needs. Communicate. If it doesn't benefit you in your current relationship, it will benefit you in a future relationship.
@7:37 This is exactly what I experience when even my best friend tells me why don't you call or text me every week. It's pressure & I feel like I'm being forced into it instead of communicating naturally. I get that some people need more frequent communication and when I do give in to 'communicating more frequently' to meet their need, I don't actually say much. I just stay silent while they vent, rant, or just complain about how bad their day went.
2 months 4 dates, with periods of about 2 weeks no contact sprinkled in. When this girl needs my help I might hear from her. She mostly rebuffs any intimacy. Doesn't feel like a good vibe, I kind of just don't want to deal with her anymore, hopefully she doesn't blow up though.
Well, I can say from experience it hurts lol. But usually if they seem distinctly into it during the “good patches” they probably still have those feelings during the lows but are incapable of showing it during those times. It sucks to be on the receiving end
Well I get it. I try my best to be patient. We have been together for 4 years and been living together for 2 years. I’m waiting for proposal and marige. I’m a FA and still working on myself. Can you do a video on that or how can I say my needs and that I really want that with out scaring him off
#Intoxicated We don't have much with common except we come together fantastic the sex is. if she snaps at me is that disrespect? Makes me laugh. Always so busy and tired I just let her do her thing ya know. She works hard but I'm not sure its for me so I'm not sure how I feel about it. She gives me what I want in those moments butt says I have to spoon or I'm using her. I don't understand. Its so stressful at times and then incredible like being on a fun park. Scary and fun. Is that high risk behavior? But isnt some of life high risk? I drive the interstates and thats risky. International conferences get lonely ya know and its so temporary. I just delete the texts cause when I reread them I get depressed all over again. I miss em so much but I know its boring home life for another 6 months until the next conference. I don't think its too fast cause it takes months. Is this a good pace? What would you recommend to fix this complicated situation. Loving your insights. #Trying
Okay are you guys using Facebook tech to figure out exactly which videos to post, *and when to post them?* Get out of my head! No, wait, please stay in my head! 🤣🙏
By the time he was ready, I was done.
Thank you for putting into words how a DA feels and operates. It's incredibly validating. I unfortunately am a DA and it is so rough to start and commit to a relationship. I don't want to hurt anyone but I also have a need/desire for companionship. The only problem is I'm not able to let myself be 100% in the relationship, which sucks for the other person. Your channel has given me power in owning up to my problem areas and finding ways to be more secure and available. I'm not completely there yet but am able to recognize my patterns which I believe is the first step to healing!! Thank you a billion
I'm happy to hear you're working on yourself. FA here and I'm a work in progress too. 💗 Just to pick you brain a little, are you upfront about not wanting a relationship from the beginning? The comment you made about not wanting to hurt anyone but have a need/desire for companionship sounds exactly like my on and off again DA ex. I'm super upfront to everyone at least by the 3rd date so there are no mixed messages or hurt feelings, but my DA didn't do that. He came off as excited and open to a possible long-term relationship, expected exclusivity, yet didn't want the label after few months in and everytime I leave he comes back better and more available, but never with both feet in.
We were talking about a mutual friend recently and I mentioned how this friend is casually seeing a woman who really cares about him and he's kind of ehh about her, but still keeps her around. I don't believe they have sex due to a condition he has, so it's not a sex thing. Anyway, when I said it wasn't cool that he keeps her in limbo he said "Well he's probably lonely and wants company." I was so annoyed and responded "That's not cool. She could be out there meeting someone who wants and values her and instead is sticking around doing kind things for someone who's lonely and just wants company?" Obviously I was projecting lol, but his opinion was really telling.
I guess if both parties are aware there's a good possibility that it will never go anywhere then that's okay. But personally I stay single and prefer it because for one I truly like being alone and two, I never want someone to keep me around with no intentions other than good company and companionship.
I'm a DA and INTP. Can't speak for the other person but you can pick my brain. Loneliness sets in after a certain age after your creature comforts gets old. DA's are human too we all need to have human interaction. Unfortunately we're wired to be more logical then emotional. Do we want to be in a cave and left alone till we die? Some might. But I'm guessing the majority yearns for that human connection that isn't draining to them. We all want to be loved and understood. I guess the big question from a DA's point of view is what is a relationship? You might not like or understand that answer.
@@gurlycash7394 which is why communication is so important and it's very hard to communicate with my DA. I've known mine for over 20 years and he would always open up to me when we were friends but in a relationship not so much. Since we've known each other forever, I've seen him in relationships where they've lived together. He had such tumultuous relationships that the thought of a label freaks him out. We've had 3 cycles. One was in a relationship and 2 were in situationships. This past cycle he was talking about moving in together. I guess I'm very black and white. You're either together or you're not. I have no interest in being the woman a DA keeps for human interaction or companionship. We have brought our kids around each other, we're exclusive, but feels doesn't want anyone to need him for anything yet needs me a lot. It's just frustrating. It's like Thais has said, we show up to play the same game with 2 different sets of instructions. FA's don't do very well with gray areas. Now I'm in PDS working on myself. I can say for a fact that I will not enter back into this again without being on the same page. It's scary in the gray area...like living in a constant turbulent plane ride. I honestly wish I could do it because we love each other very much, but I'm breaking my own boundaries and making myself uncomfortable to ease his stress and worries over relationships and that won't work.
Wow proud of you! So rare to see DA's actually seeing these videos.
The point about talking about things intellectually rather than emotionally was bang on!
I guess my DA was not ready because man did he pull back over the most minor of emotional connections. We had one good day together where we really could have started to build momentum, but he bowed out instead. Talk about being nowhere near commitment. He kept talking about wanting to get married too. Oh hun, you ain't ready!
All these theories & concepts in human relationships are exhausting . I live on a farm & have great non verbal, telepathic relationships with my animals. They know that I love them, & they love me in return ; The only pain I experience is when they die. Shalom
I know the feeling, I feed my local birds, I know the crows love me, and I love them. Nothing complicated about it. Just pure telepathic love, no words, no complications, no game playing.
This is so true!! And listening to Thais all this while helped me be prepared for this slow progression without taking it personally. This has been the first time I've been in a stable relationship and the irony that it is with a DA!
I distinctly remember the slow movement (took 4-5 months) from talking a little every day to 4 hours every day to talking less over the phone and being more together in person. This has been the best relationship of my life! I'd say nothing will make you want to be secure faster than being with a DA lol.
So great to hear your experience :) Thank you for sharing!
Do you have any tips? Did your partner deactivate at all when you began talking 4 hours? How often do you talk now?
He has deactivated exactly once (I had no interest is finding out why). In that time, he still spoke to me but he'd put up a wall, was curt and pushing me away. That behavior lasted 3 days, after which, it has been business as usual.
We're on the phone twice a week about an hour and spend the weekends together. Reaching here took a year.
There are no tips. If they're having a good time with you, then you could be the devil and they will still stick around. So the real question is, are YOU having a good time? And what about YOU (not the DA) needs to change for that to happen?
For some background, I've had professional help + done a lot of reprocessing work + this channel has been a blessing. But that was my journey to take, not the DAs.
You can’t have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy partner. What Thais’ videos do encourage the partner of the DA to accommodate the DA. That’s not healthy; that’s enabling.
@@godislove4540 She always advocates leaving a relationship that is not serving you if they've tried different strategies and the needle isn't moving. She tries to bring awareness as to why different attachment styles do the things they do (trauma), and it's up to each person if they want to work on it or move on to another partner. She never wants anyone to stay in a relationship where they don't feel valued or seen or heard.
-PDS team member
Overall, being in a relationship with a DA feels like walking on eggshells. You can do all the learning and trying to not personalise their actions but feels like one loses their individuality. There is a lot of compromise needed. When they cancel plans last moment, because of emotional bandwidth exhaustion, it is tough to stay patient. My DA partner is a very nice person, great son, brother, friend.. all this except when he is a romantic partner
Funny, I'm in a relationship with one now and it feels like I finally don't have too.
My last long term relationship with with an anxiously attached partner with whom I felt as if I was walking on eggshells. Pretty much exactly the opposite. Relationships are so unique. 🤔🤔♥♥
@@sunbeam9222 Being AP or DA is considered a insecure attachment style, and it's good to work towards a secure attachment from either party.
It should be a guide to help us identify our insecurities and work on them, especially in a relationship.
It should not be a prescription to avoid a certain type because you are insecure in a particular way. Healthy relationships and healing relationships can occur between every combination of attachment style.
If you're a DA or AP, you ought to try and work on yourself for the health of your own relationships. And it's even better to have open conversations with your partner about these things.
Finding a relationship where you both take responsibility to work on yourselves for yourselves and each other is always going to be the best route towards a healthy and healing relationship.
@@sunbeam9222 due to your reply, I’m not sure you understand my point. But regardless, as long as you aren’t praying that one attachment style realizes it’s the other’s problem and not also their own.
LOL I love the cover image of a snail 😂
Same 😂
snaaaaaaaails snailing 6
Their lack of trust and distracting activities cause them to want to move very slowly. The world is scary in their stories. Those who refuse to do the work. Emotional phobics.
3 months in, still somewhat casual. Started with fireworks for both of us, but I've felt the pullback! I'm an AP so it's hard, but as I learn and grow myself it's getting easier! We text every day, go out fairly regularly... but yes I can see the unavailability. All this has shown me the unhealthy attachment in myself, and I'm healing. Your videos have helped so much! Understanding the why behind her hesitancy, and working on myself is the only reason I haven't imploded in anxiety and called it off. I appreciate the slow now, if you want something to last don't rush it!
Thais, this video is so spot on! I’m an AP with major codependent tendencies, I’ve been seeing my DA partner since a year now. On the 6th month mark.. we had this conversation about exclusivity and he told me he wanted to take things slow and build a strong friendship that turns into a relationship, it just felt right to me as I come from a history of being with partners who came off too strong in the beginning and left just as quick! I agreed to take the slow route… 6 months later, being a religious PDS student, taking therapy and watching Thais on TH-cam, meditating, journaling.. I’m asking for my needs and communicating in a way that’s considerate of both my needs and his(thanks to the scripts at PDS) my DA partner wants to spend more time with me, he calls me randomly, when he’s going into his shell for a few days he messages me saying “it’s nothing personal and I’m just having a hard time”, I let him be and work on my career, body and self development meanwhile.
Being with any attachment style who isn’t actively working on themselves is hard, let’s not victimize DAs. They’re just as deserving of love as the rest of us. I truly feel for my DA partner and I’m willing to make this relationship a safe place for the both of us. To anyone who’s wondering if a DA+AP/FA can work, here’s a sign! ❤
I’ve been “talking /dating “ a DA for four years and he still wouldn’t move forward with a committed relationship. It’s so painful. I finally had to be done
Same here gf 😂
I do want a relationship, I felt like to much of a failure still. I am aware of my inconsistency now, not fighting being vulnerable on a personal level anymore.
I have made mistakes which I am aware of and changing now.
I’ve been with my DA for over a year now. At first he really wanted to spend time together would message and call when wanting to get to know me. This slowly died down and at first I didn’t get it and took it personal but now we see each other every 2 weeks sometimes weekly and don’t message everyday. When we are together things are great. When we are apart I do sometimes feel like I need more communication but I underhand as an AP he isn’t going anywhere and value our time together when we do meet. I notice DAs lack affection touch etc. This is my only issue as it’s my love language. I’m going to see how the next stage develops but love these videos to help guide me xxx
Good luck on the next stage and thank you for sharing!
Same situation as mine,I just hope they'll be more open up by time and start to show a little bit more affection and initiative,that is a tiny little thing I miss here
@@toodismissive he’s been really vulnerable around me as I’ve allowed him too with no judgement but sometimes when he does it’s like the next day he’s embarrassed about it. Yea I love affection and I have expressed this many times and he does try x
When did it start to die down? Also, do you both initiate spending time together?
@@hotpink3459 we both used to initiate spending time together. However we are no longer together now. He ended things out of the blue really random. I blocked him and moved on. Within a year I have met the love of my life, bought a house and expecting a baby. I don’t recommend being with a DA find someone secure that understands you and is willing to be patient x
I knew within 10 minutes of meeting that he was not emotionally available. So sad. We have an amazing connection, but he just pulled away. Currently, no contact
Same situation here. It was really confusing because he was so excited to meet and we had a great time together. When it was time to say good-bye, he was emotionally checked out already. Took 4 weeks to get a response of “I was just digesting everything…we’re not a good fit, let’s move on”. 😢.
I'm sorry to you both. I know how damn painful that can be.
@@MH-rq6jy poor you...
Many das come on strong and then pull back
Another timely video, especially understanding dating my DA ex. We're working on navigating the pace, she has been showing more effort this time around which is good
DA can change if they are made aware of their patterns and see the damage. I used to be extremely DA years ago and no idea what made me lose feelings all of a sudden. I've been slowly improving over the years but didn’t gain complete awareness until I stumbled upon Thais' videos a few weeks ago. I've been making conscious efforts every day since to practise vulnerability and it's not as scary as I thought!
Good for you! Same I’m starting to allow myself to feel more emotional vulnerable
This sounds nice in theory, but from someone who dated a DA asking and talking about any of these things just scares them. And when u want to get closer to someone it’s hard to mention personal needs or anything about a progression as it makes them want to pull away. Even if they want to have the convos, they don’t handle the after well.
Did they understand that they were DA and were they working to improve it? That makes a difference imo
You're right. Recovering DA here
It's not they, it's the one you dated, and you may have played a role in that. No need to generalize based on your own experience.
I definitely have noticed this as well with a DA I'm trying to be in a committed relationship with . The moment you bring up how you feel about something especially if it's negative . Like I'm just talking to you not fighting . I'm giving constructive criticism .
@@gabbyvargas6861 That sounds like a Narcissist or a man who isn't interested in a relationship with you.
This is pretty much what happened in my just ended relationship with a DA. How ironic that I just got this now after everything is over, but it is a salve knowing how he reacted.
The same thing happened to me, though I still struggle with knowing if she is a DA or a FA. Regardless, it is nice to know that there is a logical explanation of the behavior.
I’m do my VERY BEST to remember that there is levels to how far leaning someone is DA. I’m sure some DA’s are functional I’ve just never experienced it. To my DA’s in the chat… for the love of GOD go to therapy so we can love you for the wonderful selves I’m sure you are.
I wonder if Da's are really aware how screwed up their behavior feels to their partners? And, if them being in denial is very prevalent in their own perspective of their relations. I know plenty of acquaintances they flat out refuse therapy/analysis, seems like they're reallt afraid not of positive outcome or change but this phobia they're 'crazy.'
@@adamfindlay7091 I have an unprofessional theory that DA’s are people with Narcissistic traits
Imo usually the texting starts to dwindle after the first few months. When commitment starts forming, they start pulling away. I’m Slightly AP with heaps of experience dating avoidants
I love PDS, but the pacing and texting bit seems to go against a lot of your previous videos…and against my experiences dating DAs and FAs
I’ve noticed they cannot identify or verbalize what they need. The question baffles them
We've been dating a month and a half and just started good morning and good night texts 😂 And we went from being physical to "friendly" now. I think that was the right decision, because we've seen each other 5 days out of the past week. And he's been taking care of me a lot. Really, removing the physical aspect has been huge.
So… you went from having sex to abstaining? How’d that conversation go and are you still dating or just friends now?
It is not only the pace what matters, is also the unstability, the poor communication, and the lack of affective responsibility. My ex was cute, but he also was all I said, so just trying to suggest that a relationship will work without a commitment with psycho terapy, is a very very very bad idea.
Here's a tip. A long distance relationship with a DA is perfect from them. Like facetime, text, ect. Nothing in person. If you decide to close that in person proximity, and become physical closer, limit it to 2 full days or 5 days but no more than 6 hours a day. It's ok to tell them you have stuff to do now and go home or they should go home and recharge. And be prepare to see them physically every other week. Actually you should plan it that way. Until..........?
IME, a DA likes to keep all options open: having dated for 17 months, I've recently been informed that he is prolific on dating apps, and that while I've been his one constant, there has been a stream of other women he's been on one or two dates with that hasn't gone any further.
It’s a safety net. The other women aren’t interested in him so it goes nowhere 😂
You've been together for a almost a year and a half, and he's going on dates with other women? That's not "being a DA", that's called cheating.
@@Adriana.Gabriela yes, I've called it quits. He's middle aged, has never had a committed relationship in his life. He's fully DA. He needs validation from multiple sources and I don't think that will change. It's been incredibly disappointing. He sought to meet my children, and then this.
@@yellowtheresunshinehe sounds more like a narcissist than DA. Remember DAs still feel/love you but find it hard to express and pull back when they do. They aren’t cheaters etc unless he isn’t into you fully
@@yellowtheresunshine ah, sorry. I misinterpreted your comment
Your channel is so helpful! Have you done any videos on how the DA can show up for their secure partner? Or how they can understand our point of view since we are so naturally accommodating? I feel like I’ve learned a lot about them but I don’t know if they have material to help see things from my perspective.
DA’s don’t care about the their partner’s needs. If you look at the research, they don’t even have an emotional upset after a break up. They are kinda dead inside…
I’m not sure if there are any like that specifically but maybe! Some similar ones might be: “Top 5 tips when your partner is securely attached” & “how a secure person reacts if their da partner pulls away”
They’re quiet when feeling things because of their fear of vulnerability but they do feel emotions even though they try repressing them to not feel hurt. It’s more of a protective mechanism than trying to actively shut the other person out, though it can come across this way. If a DA is open to healing, they can very much do so with the work and patience. It’s a scary thing for them and usually they feel “why am I like this” so healing would feel very freeing to them I’d think. They also like things like this brought up in a logical way where they know this isn’t saying “something is wrong with you you need to fix it” but rather to make it feel like “hey there’s this cool thing I’m learning about you wanna check it out?” Best of luck :)
@@Em-so1le thank you!!
@@sunbeam9222 Because they walk amongst us but try to appear like the living. Education is protection.
@@sunbeam9222 If you say so. 😉 And what is it that you are seeking by contacting me and commenting on my posts?
The snail thumbnail, PDS got jokes hahahahaha
Yeah, talkative, charismatic, open about his life, job, childhood, laughs about things, but emotionally distant 🙈
My FA leaning Dismissive initiates meeting once a week. He is the one who asks to spend time together each time. We usually spend Saturday and Sunday together but he has now pulled back to one day a weekend instead of two.
What a relevant video at this moment 😅
So informative! Thanks.
My DA ex first said I love you in a text after I was pulling away. Then I had to break up with him in a text because he ghosted me when we were supposed to hangout. He left me hanging a few times. I spent too much time trying to make it work I should have seen the signs much earlier so that’s my fault.
That's unheard of from a DA to say " I Love You" from my experience its one of the most vulnerable place to find themselves.
@@abdulmateenmaher6956 he said I love you in a text and when I went to talk about it in person he totally shut down. DAs can say it, it’s not impossible. He always became passionate about morals and doing the right thing and yet was too scared of being vulnerable. He held everything in, even told me he though he was defective and not worthy of love. Which apparently is a DA core wound.
@@chloehammond2836 Yes I agree to what you said. I told my DA I love her and she was like ..."stop saying that it scares me". I asked why and she replied that she is not a good person and loving her a mistake. I really felt bad for what she said. I told her I need to say it to her as I've been keeping it my heart for long time. She shut down after that.
I believe for everybody the 3 months mark also marks the transition from the dating & honeymoon stage to the commitment stage. Is this right?
Id say so as Ive only ever had flings and they always fizzle out before the 3 month mark is acheived
I think 3 months can be the transitionmark from the dating stage to the honeymoon stage where some commitment is requiered. Sometimes the transition can be later than 3 months.
Thais teaches that after the honeymoon stage comes the power struggle phase and after it the commitment phase.
Nope that s the power struggle stage
That's about right. It's usually my make it or break it mark. However, as I get older I try to cut it closer to 3 dates to either end it because there's not enough there or if I'm going to keep it going then see where his head is at.
What about a DAs pace from a committed relationship to marriage? What is typical?
My DA ex was good with meeting up once every 2 weeks (during 4 years together).
Mine was good with once a month. 🙄(Granted he traveled a lot for work.) I would have liked once every 2 weeks.
Are you still together?
@@SK-no2pp No. I ended it.
Mine sees me once in 3-4 weeks
BUT..
He texts daily , several times a day and night!!!🙉
This must be his way of being constantly close while protecting himself from vulnerability 🤔
@user-gt4bz2zq7f I ended it due to a lack of communication. Don't compromise yourself if you want more time with your partner. Express your needs. Communicate. If it doesn't benefit you in your current relationship, it will benefit you in a future relationship.
How about if the behavior goes away as time goes on
@7:37
This is exactly what I experience when even my best friend tells me why don't you call or text me every week.
It's pressure & I feel like I'm being forced into it instead of communicating naturally.
I get that some people need more frequent communication and when I do give in to 'communicating more frequently' to meet their need, I don't actually say much. I just stay silent while they vent, rant, or just complain about how bad their day went.
Yeah. I'm Secure leaning AP and I cannot believe how needy some people are for constant contact. Texting every single day would exhaust me.
2 months 4 dates, with periods of about 2 weeks no contact sprinkled in. When this girl needs my help I might hear from her. She mostly rebuffs any intimacy. Doesn't feel like a good vibe, I kind of just don't want to deal with her anymore, hopefully she doesn't blow up though.
My DA text all day everyday for almost 2 years. I’m an FA so except for the times I ran for days/weeks.
What if it’s been 9 to 10 months and they are on and off again?
Well, I can say from experience it hurts lol. But usually if they seem distinctly into it during the “good patches” they probably still have those feelings during the lows but are incapable of showing it during those times. It sucks to be on the receiving end
3 years with a DA then broke up with me… awesome
Well I get it. I try my best to be patient. We have been together for 4 years and been living together for 2 years. I’m waiting for proposal and marige. I’m a FA and still working on myself. Can you do a video on that or how can I say my needs and that I really want that with out scaring him off
You need to work on being Secure. Not FA.
Thanks for the direct reply. That is true
Do DAs normally love bomb in the beginning few months of a relationship?
Mine definitely did, to the point where I thought (FA) he’s an AP 😅
Mine did the first month. The chase was unreal and then after 3 months she ghosted and disappeared
@@cinotna5938 how did it go once he stopped ?
@@nishanttn 😟
I’ve had more issues with FAs love bombing than DA. But definitely an avoidant trait
#Intoxicated We don't have much with common except we come together fantastic the sex is. if she snaps at me is that disrespect? Makes me laugh. Always so busy and tired I just let her do her thing ya know. She works hard but I'm not sure its for me so I'm not sure how I feel about it. She gives me what I want in those moments butt says I have to spoon or I'm using her. I don't understand. Its so stressful at times and then incredible like being on a fun park. Scary and fun. Is that high risk behavior? But isnt some of life high risk? I drive the interstates and thats risky. International conferences get lonely ya know and its so temporary. I just delete the texts cause when I reread them I get depressed all over again. I miss em so much but I know its boring home life for another 6 months until the next conference. I don't think its too fast cause it takes months. Is this a good pace? What would you recommend to fix this complicated situation. Loving your insights. #Trying
Okay are you guys using Facebook tech to figure out exactly which videos to post, *and when to post them?* Get out of my head!
No, wait, please stay in my head!
🤣🙏
Haha, sorry Rand!
Heh. They never want to move slow sexually. 😂
If it is a girl then it is the opposite!
Knowledge is power 💪🏼❤️🔥🔥 thank you Thais 🩵
Basically every one of my relationships!😅
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