#3 for me😕 it’s kept me out of relationships for 14 years. I'm trying to fix this problem now as I have found someone who makes me want to do right by her and fight through those fears. I don't want to ruin this relationship. 😅
Only an INFJ can create such a fantastic PDS and explain things so accurately so that I finally feel understood and relieved that the help exists! Thank you and God bless you!
My therapist told me I have FA attachment style. My biggest biggest biggest fear/nope feeling is having to give up on myself for someone else. Having to change myself and adapt to be accepted by the other, because evidently from my relationship with my parents and first ex boyfriend, I wasn't okay and lovable without adapting and pleasing them. They literally demanded and demand that I change, that I think like them, be different, give up on my own values and thoughts etc.
I have such a severe repulsion to demands that if I see anyone who thinks their anger, pleas, insults, manipulation, blackmailing, silent treatment, sense of urgency or "trying to communicate" are to get me to do anything, that would be the last they hear from me. Instant turn off.
@@Mississippian 100% I flipped that script of trying to adjust my mood, attitude, schedule, etc to accommodate someone else who isn’t willing to meet me half way: friends, family or relationships. Being able to vet someone means really being in tune with how you’re feeling and I think when I grew up people pleasing that part of my brain changed to having to learn to adapt constantly to change that there was no down time to process anything. And when my emotions got too much as a young adult I felt I had to escape in the form of shopping, going to movies, working multiple jobs and volunteering. I couldn’t sit still unless I got sick. Maybe I had leaned more towards an anxious/preoccupied attachment style before healing.
@@henryzhao4622 being demanding and needy is not communicating. It shows inability to self regulate and is extremely undesirable. No one wants to be with cranky adults who throw tantrums. Being repulsed by such behavior is hardly a trigger, plus, FAs can just walk away from such people. As you mentioned yesterday, maybe the person you asked on a date also felt this way? Good luck!
FA just broke up with me last month over this exact feeling of being trapped. I’m trying my best to be understanding and to let her go, but it is painful knowing that we were pretty compatible outside her deciding she needed to heal alone from the wounds she has from the past
@@sunbeam9222 I wish I could object, but you speak the truth. FAs don’t have a solid attachment strategy. It’s very crazy making and confusing. But for what it’s worth, imagine living with that crazy feeling 24/7 and you’re getting close to what it’s like being an FA.
High functioning FA leaning AA here, and I mostly relate to number three. No doubt the first two are probably present as well but more likely subconscious in my case. Perhaps because I tend to be attracted to those who are more avoidant than I am. I briefly dated an AA years ago & broke it off long before the commitment stage because I couldn’t handle their clinginess. I gave up on dating for years, though, due to fear of getting hurt & having what I used to call “a broken picker“.
Your videos are so incredibly helpful!! 🙏🙏 wondering if you might talk in some more depth some time about why trauma manifests as black or white thinking and how this can show up? this is very much the case for me as an AP...
Previously a FA that tests SECURE. Dated a DA and broke off the relationship with him. I'm not only reverting back to GA but I actually feel like I am becoming a DA and don't want to express myself anymore, show feelings and all that seems to entail the private side of DA's. Is this common?
can you speak about, or does anyone ever ask about, the reason we need attachment. I understand that a child and mother need to attach for the child to survive, and I supposed there may be a requirement for the father to attach so that the mother is in a safter situation to raise the child, but if you arent trying to get pregnant and arent raising a child, why would you need attachment? Looking at the messes people get in to, It would make much more sense to not need it. At the very least its an interesting discussion.
I think because this is how human bonding is formed and human society for that matter. Also with friends - you need attachement in order to create and maintain friendships, attachement has to do also with affection, if not we would all be as IA's or robots without bonding to anyone or anything and basically without caring too much. Now, attachement seen as a healthy thing, not as dependence, is good and healthy for a society. We needed it in tribes to survive, we need it in families (not only with the children, but in the couple, between spouses also to raise children, but not only.), and in society to basically build together and cooperate. I think attachement plays at least some part in it. Anyway, as I said, attachement, when it's healthy, is good and does not create problems or not so many (you may feel sad leaving a friend, for example, but these are feelings, not a tragedy that you cannot recover from). The problem is when it's unhealthy. Children are in a dependance situation. For a child, to be dependant to a certain degree, it's even healthy, it's how they survive, the problem is when it passes that age into adulthood. And yes, this is when attachement creates more problems (the dependance or the flight response or both sometimes). Anyway the good news is that it can be solved and healed, as this channel so well explains.
@@romanitza24 i think we should all be born with settings, and that if you want you should be able to xhange them to the off position. Then people wouldnt have to be lonely
Here’s a real life case study: There’s talk of how China’s 1 child policy from a couple decades ago is creating a panic. In 10 years they are headed towards a population collapse. So the bonds that family creates to teach each other how to support one another diminishes when the majority of society grows up disassociated. Every person becomes a commodity or their time and energy in youth is commodified but in older age they are not of use. And what happens is that single child now becomes the care taker. The care taker won’t have time to develop their own relationships or raise a family because they must work to support their aging parents who is in a care facility. Basically there aren’t enough people to match up with in society even if someone is available for a relationship. The statistics are staggering so it’s worth looking into.
Yikes. Truer words were never spoken. Thank God for PDS and the tools to heal. Resources like this mean that attachment trauma isn't a life sentence.
Fear of commitment and thereby fear of letting others down, being judged and abandoned.
#3 for me😕 it’s kept me out of relationships for 14 years. I'm trying to fix this problem now as I have found someone who makes me want to do right by her and fight through those fears. I don't want to ruin this relationship. 😅
Only an INFJ can create such a fantastic PDS and explain things so accurately so that I finally feel understood and relieved that the help exists! Thank you and God bless you!
My therapist told me I have FA attachment style. My biggest biggest biggest fear/nope feeling is having to give up on myself for someone else. Having to change myself and adapt to be accepted by the other, because evidently from my relationship with my parents and first ex boyfriend, I wasn't okay and lovable without adapting and pleasing them. They literally demanded and demand that I change, that I think like them, be different, give up on my own values and thoughts etc.
I have such a severe repulsion to demands that if I see anyone who thinks their anger, pleas, insults, manipulation, blackmailing, silent treatment, sense of urgency or "trying to communicate" are to get me to do anything, that would be the last they hear from me. Instant turn off.
Exactly!
@@Mississippian 100%
I flipped that script of trying to adjust my mood, attitude, schedule, etc to accommodate someone else who isn’t willing to meet me half way: friends, family or relationships. Being able to vet someone means really being in tune with how you’re feeling and I think when I grew up people pleasing that part of my brain changed to having to learn to adapt constantly to change that there was no down time to process anything. And when my emotions got too much as a young adult I felt I had to escape in the form of shopping, going to movies, working multiple jobs and volunteering. I couldn’t sit still unless I got sick. Maybe I had leaned more towards an anxious/preoccupied attachment style before healing.
@@MississippianLMFAO people asking you to communicate triggers you, time to look in the mirror. Communicating is what is owed beteeen two people
@@henryzhao4622 being demanding and needy is not communicating. It shows inability to self regulate and is extremely undesirable. No one wants to be with cranky adults who throw tantrums. Being repulsed by such behavior is hardly a trigger, plus, FAs can just walk away from such people. As you mentioned yesterday, maybe the person you asked on a date also felt this way? Good luck!
FA just broke up with me last month over this exact feeling of being trapped. I’m trying my best to be understanding and to let her go, but it is painful knowing that we were pretty compatible outside her deciding she needed to heal alone from the wounds she has from the past
@@sunbeam9222 I wish I could object, but you speak the truth. FAs don’t have a solid attachment strategy. It’s very crazy making and confusing.
But for what it’s worth, imagine living with that crazy feeling 24/7 and you’re getting close to what it’s like being an FA.
Its interesting to watch the difference between FAs and DAs reasons for the fear of commitment!!
High functioning FA leaning AA here, and I mostly relate to number three. No doubt the first two are probably present as well but more likely subconscious in my case. Perhaps because I tend to be attracted to those who are more avoidant than I am. I briefly dated an AA years ago & broke it off long before the commitment stage because I couldn’t handle their clinginess. I gave up on dating for years, though, due to fear of getting hurt & having what I used to call “a broken picker“.
Rhank you for the Share Thais, It's so interesting how our wounds hold us back to receiving the things we want.
Your videos are so incredibly helpful!! 🙏🙏 wondering if you might talk in some more depth some time about why trauma manifests as black or white thinking and how this can show up? this is very much the case for me as an AP...
Previously a FA that tests SECURE. Dated a DA and broke off the relationship with him. I'm not only reverting back to GA but I actually feel like I am becoming a DA and don't want to express myself anymore, show feelings and all that seems to entail the private side of DA's. Is this common?
Commitment goals right now is work on me. ;)
can you speak about, or does anyone ever ask about, the reason we need attachment. I understand that a child and mother need to attach for the child to survive, and I supposed there may be a requirement for the father to attach so that the mother is in a safter situation to raise the child, but if you arent trying to get pregnant and arent raising a child, why would you need attachment? Looking at the messes people get in to, It would make much more sense to not need it. At the very least its an interesting discussion.
I think because this is how human bonding is formed and human society for that matter. Also with friends - you need attachement in order to create and maintain friendships, attachement has to do also with affection, if not we would all be as IA's or robots without bonding to anyone or anything and basically without caring too much. Now, attachement seen as a healthy thing, not as dependence, is good and healthy for a society. We needed it in tribes to survive, we need it in families (not only with the children, but in the couple, between spouses also to raise children, but not only.), and in society to basically build together and cooperate. I think attachement plays at least some part in it. Anyway, as I said, attachement, when it's healthy, is good and does not create problems or not so many (you may feel sad leaving a friend, for example, but these are feelings, not a tragedy that you cannot recover from). The problem is when it's unhealthy. Children are in a dependance situation. For a child, to be dependant to a certain degree, it's even healthy, it's how they survive, the problem is when it passes that age into adulthood. And yes, this is when attachement creates more problems (the dependance or the flight response or both sometimes). Anyway the good news is that it can be solved and healed, as this channel so well explains.
@@romanitza24 i think we should all be born with settings, and that if you want you should be able to xhange them to the off position. Then people wouldnt have to be lonely
Here’s a real life case study:
There’s talk of how China’s 1 child policy from a couple decades ago is creating a panic. In 10 years they are headed towards a population collapse. So the bonds that family creates to teach each other how to support one another diminishes when the majority of society grows up disassociated. Every person becomes a commodity or their time and energy in youth is commodified but in older age they are not of use. And what happens is that single child now becomes the care taker. The care taker won’t have time to develop their own relationships or raise a family because they must work to support their aging parents who is in a care facility. Basically there aren’t enough people to match up with in society even if someone is available for a relationship.
The statistics are staggering so it’s worth looking into.
@@karenKristal haha oh just wait, it’s coming! Careful what you wish for though 😂
this is so me.
Enneagram 2 and 9 are codependant
YES
Is this specifically for FAs who were in codependent relationships or anybody that was in a codependent relationship?
Anyone get triggered by a crush asking on a date?
Commitment of all types, not just romantic?
Yes all types
Yes