The first caller that said his friends don't care if he is late, is absolutely wrong, they do care they just don't tell you. We can all look the other way when it is an unexpected delay but behavior of consistently being late is disrespectful and just plain rude. Your wife isn't amused either!
I've learned pretty early on in life that being late tells people that you think their time is not valuable. It's very insulting. I cannot imagine being comfortable making people wait for me, at least not when it is preventable.
yeah my cousin and brother are both either super late or no show outings and although I obviously still love them both I just know not to make plans with them. I do care that they are late but I wouldn't tell that to their face.
@@marrrrrrrrrrrrry279For a no show , I would say something to their face . The other times , I would not bother as being disorganised is their flaw which is different to deliberate rudeness .
To the first caller. My husband and I used to be very much like you & your wife. About 10 years into our marriage I went and negotiated new “rules” when it came to events & trips. We come from different cultures. My family/culture plans & is very on time. His family/culture makes very loose plans and is never on time. It drove me crazy and felt very disrespectful to me. His family always felt on edge around me. So we called a truce. Our new “rules” is if it’s an event with my family and/or friends, he will absolutely be on time and not try & change the itinerary. He won’t bring up “if only we could see/do this” when he knows there is a plan. For some events, if he’s late, he’s uninvited and can’t pout about it. When it comes to things he plans or events/trips with his family & friends, I let him lead. If we are late, I say nothing. I don’t even get my heart rate up. If we miss our flight, not my problem. If his family plans to go to Disney but sit around and talk until 5 pm in the afternoon, I just enjoy sitting and talking with them. When it’s their last day of their trip and they are frantic because they got to do 1/4 of what they plan and how it sucks, I agree with them. My husband and I recently went on two trips that had to do with his HS & College reunions. He asked for my input on how I could most enjoy the trip. I picked a nice hotel walking distance from the events and told him when I was tired of making small talk with strangers, I would quietly excuse myself and walk to the hotel and I wanted him to stay as long as he wanted and not worry about me. I showed up to every event and had a good time knowing I could have an out when I needed it. When we’re were on our way home, he said he was so happy we went and set it up the way we did.
Absolutely. I am also in an intercultural marriage, and after years of being the self-designated family logistician (a job I hate lol), I had to drop expectations for certain events. For my husband’s plans with family, I passed the torch to him. I don’t mind taking the reins for our own vacation plans, but going with the flow of his plans for his family interactions has taken a lot of pressure off of me and makes everything more enjoyable. Since doing that, he has gotten better about contributing to planning just for us too, which has made it so much more fun! He has learned that a little planning creates the predictable/reliable structure of a trip, and I have learned to leave room for some spontaneity and chill time. It’s the best of both worlds!
Great solution! I never went on a trip with my (ex) husband that I didn't find myself planning a divorce as soon as I got home! I stuck it out for 20 years. If I had used your method, I would have enjoyed those 20 years a lot more!
Caller #2 - My dad wanted to be a farmer but he had to work a regular job to support his family. So he farmed on the side and was quite happy doing it. Life is a series of give-and-take situations.
He isn't taking on any leadership or mental work of decision making he's batting it back to his wife all the time. Leadership is showing up on time, planning and effectively communicating. He's doing none of it.
He outright said that his wife was critical when he was decisive. It doesn’t make him right, but anyone can tell you that it’s easy to yield to a critical partner in an attempt to “keep the peace”. It doesn’t work, not ever. That kind of person will then resent “having to do all the work“ call, even though it was their complaining which led to the situation. The answer is for the passive partner to pull up some courage and the critical partner to have some tolerance.
Agree with both inputs. For her who’s being critical but also still wants his input/thoughtfulness/presence, he could give her an a) and b) choice. It shows he considered and is present and is communicating his desires and it also narrows it down and allows her to make the final choice. Example: Her “where do we go to eat?” Him “ I’m thinking this restaurant or this other one” Her: “okay we can go to the first one” Him “great! I like the outdoor seating by the water and craving their house burger! Let’s go!”
@@RickRorose she doesn’t want him to make a decision. She wants him to make the decision that *she* would’ve made. This is a critical partner problem. Compromise will not address the actual issue. I have seen this in my own life: my wife will on the one hand complain about never having any time to herself, and on the other hand she will not take advantage of opportunities to have that time. She will micromanage to make sure things get done “her way”. For instance, it’s the end of the world if I handle bedtime and the kids are in bed a little later than she would prefer - because she is very insistent on following her routine for them. Rather than accept the opportunity to check out and have time for herself, she chooses instead to hang onto control and blame me for her choices. This is why we hear about “weaponized incompetence“: control-freak women(I only mention gender at all here because I have never, ever heard the term used by a man who wasn’t in the counseling/therapy field) simply will not be pleased by anything their husbands do unless it is 100% in line with their own methods and standards, so the husbands check out and let their wives be in charge thinking that that’s what will make their wives happy… after all, they’re unhappy with our decisions, so they’d be happy making their own decisions, right? But they’re not. They make all the important decisions, resent the responsibility and complain about how weak their men are. Or the alternative I guess would be to deal with an overly critical wife who isn’t ever happy with your leadership. Or the wife could look inward a little bit and ask why she acts that way…
In this instance yes, leadership is what you outlined but is much more more and sometimes can be situational. There’s no easy way to get through his situation. Also there’s delegation, to get tasks done that you know you’re not qualified for but can choose the right person for.
I want my husband to pick our restaurant because I won’t enjoy our meal if my husband is unhappy with the food. If he tells me a few places he really wants to eat, I can pick from those choices, then we’re both happy.
Perfect marriages or relationships simply don't exist. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to navigating them. What may be effective for Adam might not resonate with Peter. However, I've come to realize that there's always a solution to every problem. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such difficulties in our marriage that divorce seemed imminent. Despite the ordeal, we persevered, and today, we've triumphed over that rough patch, reunited and stronger than ever
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.
There is a difference between spontaneity, and failing to plan or refusing to plan. You can still have planned activities and also do spontaneous things or change plans.
Exactly. Like, plan one thing a day and/or one restaurant a day and where you’ll be staying. That’ll give a lot of time during the day to fit in things you see along the way
Every time he asks “why do you…” He answers with “well she…” Thats not how it works. Only when I got married did I figure out I actually had time management issues and consistency issues. And even certain cleanliness issues in the home. But I was able to dig deeper and realize it was actually because I never learned certain habits from my parents when I was young. I never developed that habit in our household. We were a family that was a little dysfunctional; traveling due to war, dad had to be away for work alot, mother was schizophrenic or hospitalized my whole life. But I soon learned it didn’t serve my home, my mental health, my husband, or my toddler. If you can’t see some blame on you.. you’ll never want to improve. That sounds like a 10 year old comment…. Im sorry. But the best of luck to you 🙏🏻
Yeah because he simps to his mostly female audience. If he didn’t, he’d lose subs and his channel wouldn’t grow. Dr. John is a total charlatan and you probably eat this garbage up, but then again you most likely have an IQ sub 80.
It’s kind of alarming to me how many calls there are where the partners are blatantly being abusive. The women aren’t sure they are being abused (because the abuser doesn’t admit it) and the men are just unaware that their behavior sucks. Most of the most absurd callers are from my state or the one to the north or south… it’s the same experience I had when I was married and I keep running into the same type of dude. If this is how it is out there… I’m perfectly happy with my Shiba Inus eating my dead body because I died alone.
I think that with women that like structure if a man surprises her with a trip well thought out it would really get her feeling like he cares about their relationship. I’m not super structured, but if my husband plans a little trip and he has one thing for us to do it really means a lot to me.
When the caller said I’m not allowed to see what my husband is spending sadly my bias took me to cheater. Then she mentioned her mother in law and realized she just married an immature man.
Nathan, bravo to you for calling in! ❤ Thank you for being vulnerable with John and ALL of us here in the chats. Many might not realize this, but it's a BIG deal...and it's a first step in the right direction.
Chronically late people are usually deeply in denial about how disrespectful their chronic lateness is to those around them. Its a way or signalling to others that you do not value and respect their time. It also communicates to them that the late person cannot be relied on.
He was quite clear: he's so scared of failure ("I can never do it right") that he won't even try to do anything properly at all. He's completely backed out of life and is blaming it on his wife 😂😂😂
I use to be guilty of this. It took a while to see it. I'm grateful everyone helped me understand, and being on time began to be the best thing that's ever happened to me.
@@kisumuflavourof maybe she made life a sickening burden with constant criticism and being a perfectionist. Nothing is ever good enough, choosing a partner is not a light task.
"This is how it's going to be"... Part of the mourning process I'm going through right now mourning the things that are lost in the past and the future.
Until you're married, you'll never know what it's like. How many go into it starry eyed and wind up with black and blue eyes. How many are tricked and then can't make a move without permission? Cannot be allowed to visit family or friends? It can be a nightmare!
That’s why you have to have clear communication while dating so that you know what to expect at least in the beginning and adjust accordingly with your spouse throughout the marriage. The key is INTENTIONALITY and ACCOUNTABILITY for both parties.
She may LIKE to plan but just because you like it doesn’t mean you want to do it every single time. “Oh she enjoys doing it!” “She thinks I️ ruin everything when I️ plan things!”. Yeah, she enjoys it because the stress is mitigated when she does it, therefore she enjoys the outcome more. But if he were to ACTUALLY plan something. She could see he can do things for himself. She can learn to trust his judgement. And I’m sure you’ll find out she doesn’t exactly LOVE to plan things. It doesn’t mean then he picks up all the planning but i think it’s be beneficial for both to plan stuff every once in a while.
Maybe. Or maybe she also needs to learn to chill out too. The issue on her side might be that everything has to be perfect all the time. That’s too stressful for anyone including her to live with that level of expectation. Expecting everything and everyone to be perfect is unreasonable.
The Brene Brown quote is "The story I'm telling myself is... " (Not "choosing to make up about you.") Just a stickler for accuracy 😅 that phrase changed my life, I didn't even realize I was telling myself stories. (Edited cause of typos)
Thank you for correcting that . I was thinking the same. They are different sentences with different meanings. The story I’m telling myself is a way of saying, “this is what I think/believe about reality right now. “ Maybe the truth is something else…
@@jackdeniston6150 Not a cop out. Just me perceiving the world through my filter, reflecting a reality that might be different from the other person’s “reality.” We don’t know what other people are thinking or fearing without telling them our own (vulnerability) and then letting them tell us theirs. Brené Brown encourages people to have honest communication and then to listen to the other person .
I took up an expensive pocketknife collecting habit to fill a void in my life. I was spending $500-1200 per month on those things. We are good financially but there are far better things to spend all that money on. My wife saw the statements and tolerated it. After talking with her I came to see how ridiculous that habit was. It was financial infidelity. I’m two months clean and the void I was filling is now filled with a satisfying relationship
@@elihollingsworth6852 being the sole provider for a family of five, frequently plunking down $300- $500 for a pocketknife without telling the wife seems a bit much in hindsight. Over 2 years it was probably $15,000. Spending your earned money on things you enjoy is not a bad thing for everyone, it was a bad thing for me because I knew I was chasing a dopamine high. Pocketknife buying is recognized as an addiction in the knife community. I’m glad to carry on with the 50 that I have and let they be the end of it
@@elihollingsworth6852500-1200 a month on pocketknives is an addiction hun. One once in a while, or a new model to collect, or a cool one from a trip = a fun collection. 12,000 a year or more is filling a void with shopping.
@@elihollingsworth6852I think that he spent all of that money on himself alone , but did not ever think of spending some of that on something for his wife , or asking her what they should spend money on together .
This guy doesn’t realize how serious his issue is. I was married to a guy like this. Key word being “was.” At least he has the self awareness to call and ask for insight.
I feel like John just starts rambling about situations for soooo long then asks people “am I on the money” and at which point the caller just awkwardly agrees just because how LONG John had already been rambling for
Nathan . Dr John is saying such good truths . You are two different individuals 10 years down the road. You wanting to work on your marriage is awesome!
Indeed, the status quo way of farming is a one way trip to debt, bankruptcy and chronic illness, I'm surprised there are still people who consciously choose to farm in that way like it's a dream of theirs.
I LOVED the question about dreams/hobbies! I think that couple is still going to clash about how much money to sink into it but it is a good idea to reframe the borrowing money discussion into values/safety.
This guy thinks he's great and he'd have no problem 'taking control'. He feels he doesn't have problems compared to other callers lol XD That's the first red flag, the fact that he drags other callers into it to feel superior to them.
my man hoped JD would take his side, omg.. hopefully he learns to take responsibility in their relationship and offer her the respect she deserves, so that they both change to be a berrer person for each other.
I hate schedules because my whole day is scheduled out and the bulk of my off work time as well. I just want to get off work and do whatever the heck I want to do in that moment.
He's not going to change because he's never been accountable for anything in his life, then his wife went along with whatever to keep the peace and now look at the situation. SMH.... Poor lady. 😢
I struggle with punctuality big time... probably due to my ADHD ( I've just turned 32, but I also only got diagnosed about 8/9 months ago... so I'm just starting to learn how to handle "myself", and I'm trying really hard to get better with things like... showing people I truly care about deeply, that me being late, not texting back, not picking up my phone, etc... doesn't mean I don't live them. I just have a weird way of staying connected to my loved-ones! I'm currently trying to educate them (or at least the very few that actually care...), and letting them know what kind of techniques I'm using, and what techniques they are more than welcome to use on me! Not saying this caller struggles with ADHD... I just wanted people to know that this one friend you have, who's always late, forgets about plans you've made together, etc... doesn't love you. More often than not, they cherish you very much, but things like ADHD - especially when it's undiagnosed until this person's late twenties, early thirties... or even later, can make people like me look like jerks! I'm sry that you have to deal with us... and at the same time - THANK YOU VERY MUCH! 🙏🏻
As someone who dated a man who was late all the time, and even after telling him how much I hated it to the point that after the 200th time, I would just cancel on the spot when he was late. But of course that alone didn't fix the issue, nothing did. So I walked away. I walked away because even after letting them know in several ways how disrespectful and hurtful it was, he always made excuses or gaslit me. He would also ask me why it was a big deal. It's funny because he would complain about his coworkers being late but never did get it himself.
My boyfriend is still friends with a woman who loathes me and would constantly tell my boyfriend to break up with me and find someone better for no reason. My boyfriend is 32 and 7 years older than me, and she's 3 years older than my boyfriend. I used to just laugh at it and assume she's jealous of our relationship. But its beginning to get more annoying since my boyfriend still hangs out with her and their other friends
Time Management is very important, Even in your personal life. I worked in HR in an IT environment and the Executive insisted that every staff member "sit through" a half hour in an Training Room on "Time Management" every 6 months - a continuous reFresher. WHY? Because we billed out our services 7xhours per day for 'Services rendered". I am a mature person now and to this day, I can be showered, make my bed, dressed grab different things plus keys and be OUT of my house. NO I am not a perfectionist...I am a quick PLANNER. I don't have to iron something before I leave... I simply "rush through" my tasks and get it done!
Delony getting on the Whatever podcast would be awesome. I know thats super random and not in the same realm but i think he would have some wise words for everyone including the hosts on the show.
Those guys are cowards and they would never ever expose themselves to a wise, mature man telling them the truth about relationships and building character.
Hey Dr. John or commenters, quick question here. As someone who grew up in poverty and has struggled on their own to survive and become what I consider middle class. (and that's a hell of an achievement imo) How do I begin to build generational wealth?
I don't agree that most people get round grief. Grief is part of life. Beloved grandparents lost when you're a child, parents, pets, siblings, close friends, peers. The loss of a child is insurmountable, and stillbirth and miscarriage. Then there's grief and loss suffered by our loved-ones. Responding to grief teaches us empathy.
I hate when they say, "l think", he thinks his wife enjoys it every time, but i know we usually get tired and appreciate the help, he didn't know for sure coz it's convenient to him.
Marriage is a sacred union between two individuals, a promise of love, commitment, and companionship. A wedding is a celebration of this union, a joyous occasion where families and friends come together to witness and support the couple as they embark on their journey together, creating memories to cherish forever.
I like the really quick comment John made about the mother in law "you are disinterested in us being together" it's so true! The MIL doesnt respect their marriage. She sees him as her baby boy, not a grown married man with a family. Terrible self-centered woman who doesn't care to be aware of the damage she's doing.
I have never heard anyone saying anything like what the father of the bereaved child said that "most people have the opinion of avoiding grief for most of their life". Everyone suffers grief throughout their lives.
I would love to see John's feedback on Fair Play the book and game. I've found it gave me the terms to express the labor imbalance that was in my house.
Oh yah! I’m glad my husband cleans the house. He does his own laundry, he does the dishes and mops the floor, takes the trash and recycling out. I’ve never had to ask him to do other tasks around the house he does them of his own volition - repairs, changing the air filter, etc. I’ve heard good things about Fair Play and would recommend it for couples who don’t have this down.
Every guy I know who is married look so happy and fulfilled, and it feels like I’m being told I’m single in a million ways. For all men who are married, is marriage really the ultimate achievement? It’s very overwhelming for me when having to succumb to the pressure of finding someone to spend the rest of my life with because society seems to ostracize men who are single. Almost as if it’s a sin. Whenever I come across a married man, I always feel like I’m missing out, and making me question my self-worth.
It’s not at all what it is cracked up to be. First and foremost figure out what you want most in life. Chase after that, if you find someone who wants to come along for the ride, cool but don’t ever let it derail your authentic purpose and desired outcome for your life. I’ve been married, and believe me being single is an absolute blessing, enjoy it!
Marriage is about someone in your life that always has your back and you have theirs. You become a unit but you do not lose your own identities. Marriage is wonderful for sure, however it is necessary to find a person that you trust completely and trusts you completely. Take your time and choose wisely. Having said all this marriage is ever evolving and requires continuous renegotiation, this is the trick to a healthy happy marriage.
In the Bible it states it's actually better to stay single! And, that marriage is definitely not for everyone. Paul states this in the New Testament. When I found this out, I felt much better ❤❤
@@texuztweety Paul actually says it is good to stay single IF you can excercise self control. “But if they cannot excercise self control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion”. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9. Marriage is amazing when you find your best friend and make a lifetime commitment! ❤ It will have ups and downs (like any relationship) but if you’re with the right person it’s beautiful.
I am the spontaneous person in our 47 yr marriage, my husband is not…..so many many yrs ago he decided that if he planned the surprise, then both of us would be excited! Compromise for each other!
That’s one thing I would love too, farming life . I grew up in a city and I’m sick of it. My dad is a country guy (he didn’t raised me), and used to take me on weekends to the farms/mountains and stay there how to forget that peaceful life.
What's up with dudes wanting the trappings, honor, and title of leadership without doing any of the sacrifice, discipline, and responsibilities of a leader? I'm so over this. You don't just get to be a leader because you were born with a ween. Get over yourself.
Dr. John, can you disturb what needs to be disturbed on The Foster Care system and the devestation that kids have been through and what needs to be done for them? Thanks!
When you say you'll be somewhere at a certain time, be there! It shows a severe lack of respect to the other person. I get the dinner thing. When my wife asks, i say whatever she wants because im not going to lose sleep over it like she will.
Oh my gosh! The spending caller - that was my ex-husband - wanted me to budget for the family, but he refused to stick to it and had multiple hidden accounts. But, it was my fault that we weren't saving because I was in control of the budget. Thankfully, my new person is very open and I have access to all of his accounts, even though we aren't married yet.
Caller #3: get out. You would love to have a shared account with someone responsible. You need to get rid of that irresponsible leech and find a functional human, someone who doesn't need to be shut out of accounts. I've just gotten out of a legal battle with my ex partner who stole from me, ranked up debt in my name, drank too much, was cheating and hiding stuff. I found most of that out only after I got out. At the end I barely escaped physical violence. I have got several mental health and physical health issues though from that relationship that I will have to deal with for a long time. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
I disagree that couples can't have separate accounts as well as a joint account. I will always make sure I have an account of my own separate to a joint account. It's totally naive not to allow adults to tend to their own finances and spend what they want with some of their money. However, pilfering from the joint account, the agreed amounts that are for the family are a total NO. I would not just THAT man. And yes, there’s no reason to hide your personal account from your spouse.
Man: I got married and then I thought I would be THE LEADER. Woman: (snorts while laughing) Is that what you thought? Reaaaally? Who taught you that nonsense. We are supposed to be partners. Now what do you want to get for supper? Let’s decide. Man in Petulance: I don’t care. You pick it. Woman: Greek! Let’s go!
Not making excuses for my husband he has mentally abused me in front of kids. We have been in therapy it is hard but divorce would be worse neither option is great . I do not make excuses
He said “When we first got married I thought I would kind of plan to TAKE CONTROL. & then he said and “lead” When you take control you get your way, wants needs. When you lead like a loving husband your decisions meet your needs,wants & your wife’s & children’s needs and wants and the decisions are discussed jointly by you & your wife so that the needs & wants are met in a prioritized order of the individuals in the family. The order will change day by day. Sometimes minute by minute. Everyone’s needs & wants will be met by a loving Mom & Dad & a loving husband and wife. This guy gave up because leading lovingly takes work and no one wants to be controlled. She felt that control-not a loving lead right from the start. Do want Delony has said-CARE MAN At the end Delony said take your wife out and you say to her- I want YOU & I to plan what the next ten years look like. Don’t think if you can’t control then you will just throw all the weight of what should be both of your responsibilities & plans on your wife. 🙏ing for your marriage & children!!!
My life’s dream was always to earn a PhD. But our family’s values of not going into student loan debt and me being available to our kids when they were little meant that my dream waited. And it ended up waiting longer than I expected. But it was important to me and my husband held space for it. And now, at 47 I’ll be graduating with my masters. Next up: a PhD. Life is about sacrifices and compromises. Live in reality. Ruining the life you’ve worked hard for to have a dream would be so sad.
Ugh. I had a brother who you just never knew when he'd show up when plans were made. I worked online and had meetings at set times. This was long before people actually thought of online work as a "real job." So, I was staying with my elderly mother on a month-long visit (not a vacation) and I had a two hour and 15 minute window where we four "kids" were going out to dinner. I live abroad and my sister had flown in from another state. Everyone was supposed to be there at 1 pm. We waited and waited and waited. Instead of going out to dinner on time and have him meet us at the restaurant my mother and sister insisted we had to wait for him. He finally shows up an hour late. I am frustrated and explain that I can't go because it's too short of a time frame. They don't get it. I tell them I have to stay now. So, no apologies from anyone as they head out the door. I was so angry I gave them all a tongue lashing about how rude it was as they all left me at home to go to dinner. They were back 2 hrs later. My brother (the one who was late) was the only one thoughtful enough to bring me back something to eat. Yeah, I had issues with my family. As the middle child, I felt ignored. Some people think back and remember the wonderful times. All I feel is a gnawing resentment. I wonder why.
President Jimmy Carter told the story about how his wife was always late and how this drove him crazy. One anniversary his gift to her was a letter stating how much he loved her and as his anniversary gift to her was never again to criticize her for being late. The surprise to him was how he felt within himself at releasing that angst and frustration.
People who are neurodivergent (adhd/autism) have these issues (not making excuses). Everyone needs to learn coping skills. However, the nasty comments add to the shame of the individuals in the neurodivergent community. Some people are trying.
My husband doesn't want to help plan vacations in advance, but when we get somewhere, then he starts researching and asks "oh, are we going to this place?". It would make me crazy. Now I just leave gaps in our itinerary so we can insert new things into the schedule when we get there. I also let him plan the meals, since where we eat is more of a big deal to him, then. me. I just gotta eat before I get hangry. Its all about communication and finding how to compromise for each other and also carrying snacks. Lol
I love to be spontaneous but like John sometimes that doesn't work so well if all the hotels are full and you end up at Arby's for dinner. But I've learned that some planning actually makes the trip more fun.
Second caller: RUN. I saw this exact thing play out-alcoholism, debt, and an enabling mother in law-with my uncle. He wound up a 55 year old divorced meth addict in his mom’s extra room. LEAVE NOW!
The third caller just doesn't want to acknowledge that her husband's behavior isn't going to change. I get the feeling she is invested in being a martyr. I don't like the idea of divorce, but for the sake of her children she needs to leave.
Alarms and being realistic 😂 as someone with adhd i dont overload my schedule, because tjings will take longer than expected, and i use multiple alarms. Prepare to be prepared alarms, warming Larm, tjis absolutely the latest u can start getting ready alarms, and race it! Anything with packing i pack the night before. Always add extra time for driving. Youre gonna be late sometimes but itcwont be a trait. Its also important to know the difference between something 10 minutes wont matter to, and something where really u shoukd act like thr start time is 30 mins earlier.
30:37 I think wanting to buy land for your family is much different than this guy wanting to start a business. Her husband is trying to start a business. There are risks and debt involved with starting a business. I think she needs to decide if she trust her husband’s ability to make it successful and if it's worth the financial risk for their family. she should encourage her husband to write a business plan so they have a clear vision of what this business looks like and how long it will take to be profitable .
A person who is always chronically late or backs out of plans last second pisses me off. It’s a pet peeve of mine. If you are gonna be late, then have the decency to let me know. If you are gonna cancel last minute because something happened then have the decency to reschedule. Life happens. I understand that, but it’s also a different story if they just all of a sudden decided to do something else, they’ve scheduled something else to do instead that day. Like when I plan to hang out with someone a certain day first and then decide to have a haircut I will plan around it.
First caller saying that his problems ale small in comparison to the others and there I AM hearing his story as if it was my husband calling. And I know its not him cause he doesnt speak english. Thanks doc, advices for this man helped me to round up whats inside my head and how to comunicate things to my spause. Sorry for mistakes, english is not my native
Just because your friends didn’t complain about you being late, doesn’t mean they weren’t bothered by it!
Absolutely.
Omg yes… we’re all annoyed and inconvenienced by THAT friend…
The first caller that said his friends don't care if he is late, is absolutely wrong, they do care they just don't tell you. We can all look the other way when it is an unexpected delay but behavior of consistently being late is disrespectful and just plain rude. Your wife isn't amused either!
I've learned pretty early on in life that being late tells people that you think their time is not valuable. It's very insulting. I cannot imagine being comfortable making people wait for me, at least not when it is preventable.
Thank you!
yeah my cousin and brother are both either super late or no show outings and although I obviously still love them both I just know not to make plans with them. I do care that they are late but I wouldn't tell that to their face.
My sister was always late and I have two close friends who are usually late . I love them and we make jokes about it , but resent the rudeness .
@@marrrrrrrrrrrrry279For a no show , I would say something to their face . The other times , I would not bother as being disorganised is their flaw which is different to deliberate rudeness .
To the first caller. My husband and I used to be very much like you & your wife. About 10 years into our marriage I went and negotiated new “rules” when it came to events & trips. We come from different cultures. My family/culture plans & is very on time. His family/culture makes very loose plans and is never on time. It drove me crazy and felt very disrespectful to me. His family always felt on edge around me. So we called a truce.
Our new “rules” is if it’s an event with my family and/or friends, he will absolutely be on time and not try & change the itinerary. He won’t bring up “if only we could see/do this” when he knows there is a plan. For some events, if he’s late, he’s uninvited and can’t pout about it.
When it comes to things he plans or events/trips with his family & friends, I let him lead. If we are late, I say nothing. I don’t even get my heart rate up. If we miss our flight, not my problem. If his family plans to go to Disney but sit around and talk until 5 pm in the afternoon, I just enjoy sitting and talking with them. When it’s their last day of their trip and they are frantic because they got to do 1/4 of what they plan and how it sucks, I agree with them.
My husband and I recently went on two trips that had to do with his HS & College reunions. He asked for my input on how I could most enjoy the trip. I picked a nice hotel walking distance from the events and told him when I was tired of making small talk with strangers, I would quietly excuse myself and walk to the hotel and I wanted him to stay as long as he wanted and not worry about me. I showed up to every event and had a good time knowing I could have an out when I needed it. When we’re were on our way home, he said he was so happy we went and set it up the way we did.
Awesome ideas for managing family and travels!!
Absolutely. I am also in an intercultural marriage, and after years of being the self-designated family logistician (a job I hate lol), I had to drop expectations for certain events. For my husband’s plans with family, I passed the torch to him. I don’t mind taking the reins for our own vacation plans, but going with the flow of his plans for his family interactions has taken a lot of pressure off of me and makes everything more enjoyable. Since doing that, he has gotten better about contributing to planning just for us too, which has made it so much more fun! He has learned that a little planning creates the predictable/reliable structure of a trip, and I have learned to leave room for some spontaneity and chill time. It’s the best of both worlds!
Great solution! I never went on a trip with my (ex) husband that I didn't find myself planning a divorce as soon as I got home! I stuck it out for 20 years. If I had used your method, I would have enjoyed those 20 years a lot more!
Brilliant ❤
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Caller #2 - My dad wanted to be a farmer but he had to work a regular job to support his family. So he farmed on the side and was quite happy doing it. Life is a series of give-and-take situations.
So true
Exactly. ❤❤❤
Is your dad Dwight Schrute?
@@sabias3932bears, beets, battle star galactica 💫
@@sabias3932bears, beets..battlestar gallactica
He isn't taking on any leadership or mental work of decision making he's batting it back to his wife all the time. Leadership is showing up on time, planning and effectively communicating. He's doing none of it.
That's what cracks Smith a bought a lot of men. They want the title and the honor of leadership, without the responsibilities
He outright said that his wife was critical when he was decisive.
It doesn’t make him right, but anyone can tell you that it’s easy to yield to a critical partner in an attempt to “keep the peace”.
It doesn’t work, not ever. That kind of person will then resent “having to do all the work“ call, even though it was their complaining which led to the situation.
The answer is for the passive partner to pull up some courage and the critical partner to have some tolerance.
Agree with both inputs. For her who’s being critical but also still wants his input/thoughtfulness/presence, he could give her an a) and b) choice. It shows he considered and is present and is communicating his desires and it also narrows it down and allows her to make the final choice. Example:
Her “where do we go to eat?”
Him “ I’m thinking this restaurant or this other one”
Her: “okay we can go to the first one”
Him “great! I like the outdoor seating by the water and craving their house burger! Let’s go!”
@@RickRorose she doesn’t want him to make a decision. She wants him to make the decision that *she* would’ve made.
This is a critical partner problem. Compromise will not address the actual issue.
I have seen this in my own life: my wife will on the one hand complain about never having any time to herself, and on the other hand she will not take advantage of opportunities to have that time. She will micromanage to make sure things get done “her way”. For instance, it’s the end of the world if I handle bedtime and the kids are in bed a little later than she would prefer - because she is very insistent on following her routine for them. Rather than accept the opportunity to check out and have time for herself, she chooses instead to hang onto control and blame me for her choices.
This is why we hear about “weaponized incompetence“: control-freak women(I only mention gender at all here because I have never, ever heard the term used by a man who wasn’t in the counseling/therapy field) simply will not be pleased by anything their husbands do unless it is 100% in line with their own methods and standards, so the husbands check out and let their wives be in charge thinking that that’s what will make their wives happy… after all, they’re unhappy with our decisions, so they’d be happy making their own decisions, right? But they’re not. They make all the important decisions, resent the responsibility and complain about how weak their men are.
Or the alternative I guess would be to deal with an overly critical wife who isn’t ever happy with your leadership.
Or the wife could look inward a little bit and ask why she acts that way…
In this instance yes, leadership is what you outlined but is much more more and sometimes can be situational. There’s no easy way to get through his situation. Also there’s delegation, to get tasks done that you know you’re not qualified for but can choose the right person for.
Guy who can't lead claims he wants to lead 🙄
Guy who can’t get himself someplace on time wants to be the leader. Who’s going to follow that?
I want my husband to pick our restaurant because I won’t enjoy our meal if my husband is unhappy with the food. If he tells me a few places he really wants to eat, I can pick from those choices, then we’re both happy.
SAME!
Same. Me too.
That makes me want to vomit
I learned that the hard way as well. My husband is way more picky when it comes to food, so I find it easier to let him choose the place.
How long have you been together and has this always been a thing?
This 1st call is a hot mess. He wants a marriage but minimal effort and doesn’t understand why the wife is frustrated to hell.
He's a manchild
This! I got frustrated at him and it’s just a 5min call😩
Perfect marriages or relationships simply don't exist. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to navigating them. What may be effective for Adam might not resonate with Peter. However, I've come to realize that there's always a solution to every problem. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such difficulties in our marriage that divorce seemed imminent. Despite the ordeal, we persevered, and today, we've triumphed over that rough patch, reunited and stronger than ever
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks.
You definitely should. You wont regret it
This stuff is satanic
There is a difference between spontaneity, and failing to plan or refusing to plan. You can still have planned activities and also do spontaneous things or change plans.
Exactly. Like, plan one thing a day and/or one restaurant a day and where you’ll be staying. That’ll give a lot of time during the day to fit in things you see along the way
Every time he asks “why do you…”
He answers with “well she…”
Thats not how it works. Only when I got married did I figure out I actually had time management issues and consistency issues. And even certain cleanliness issues in the home. But I was able to dig deeper and realize it was actually because I never learned certain habits from my parents when I was young. I never developed that habit in our household. We were a family that was a little dysfunctional; traveling due to war, dad had to be away for work alot, mother was schizophrenic or hospitalized my whole life. But I soon learned it didn’t serve my home, my mental health, my husband, or my toddler. If you can’t see some blame on you.. you’ll never want to improve. That sounds like a 10 year old comment…. Im sorry. But the best of luck to you 🙏🏻
This caller was not expecting Dr John’s call out hahaha
He came on here thinking he was gonna throw his wife under the bus
Yeah because he simps to his mostly female audience. If he didn’t, he’d lose subs and his channel wouldn’t grow. Dr. John is a total charlatan and you probably eat this garbage up, but then again you most likely have an IQ sub 80.
lots of the guys who call in do
It’s kind of alarming to me how many calls there are where the partners are blatantly being abusive. The women aren’t sure they are being abused (because the abuser doesn’t admit it) and the men are just unaware that their behavior sucks. Most of the most absurd callers are from my state or the one to the north or south… it’s the same experience I had when I was married and I keep running into the same type of dude. If this is how it is out there… I’m perfectly happy with my Shiba Inus eating my dead body because I died alone.
This show only throws men under the bus. Women can do no wrong on this show.
I think that with women that like structure if a man surprises her with a trip well thought out it would really get her feeling like he cares about their relationship. I’m not super structured, but if my husband plans a little trip and he has one thing for us to do it really means a lot to me.
I would be over the moon if my husband planned a trip and all the details (not fly by the seat of your pants). I would feel very loved.
When the caller said I’m not allowed to see what my husband is spending sadly my bias took me to cheater. Then she mentioned her mother in law and realized she just married an immature man.
Spoiled little boy his whole life - he will NEVER change.
@@davinasquirrel7672Mama’s boys never do as Mum will always be put ahead of the wife and kids .
There's nothing worse than a mommy's boy. Believe me, I know.
Nathan, bravo to you for calling in! ❤ Thank you for being vulnerable with John and ALL of us here in the chats. Many might not realize this, but it's a BIG deal...and it's a first step in the right direction.
Chronically late people are usually deeply in denial about how disrespectful their chronic lateness is to those around them. Its a way or signalling to others that you do not value and respect their time. It also communicates to them that the late person cannot be relied on.
He was quite clear: he's so scared of failure ("I can never do it right") that he won't even try to do anything properly at all. He's completely backed out of life and is blaming it on his wife 😂😂😂
I use to be guilty of this. It took a while to see it. I'm grateful everyone helped me understand, and being on time began to be the best thing that's ever happened to me.
@@kisumuflavourof maybe she made life a sickening burden with constant criticism and being a perfectionist. Nothing is ever good enough, choosing a partner is not a light task.
This describes my husband exactly!
John, you are gifted in discernment.
Maybe today. But not always.
I hate the Kelly talking bs. Just let John do his thing.
@@robinjaimenobodies perfect
Towards women. Yes. Towards men, he is super biased and pushes against he "egalitarian" world view.
@@robinjaime that gets on my nerves too. And then, she did the exact thing after complained about him doing.
@@robinjaimewhaaat? The show would not be the same without the Kelly & John banter. I miss him making up what tattoos she has 😄
"This is how it's going to be"... Part of the mourning process I'm going through right now mourning the things that are lost in the past and the future.
Same.
You aren’t dead yet. You can let that baggage go (who or whatever it is) and not mourn your future!
Me too. 100%
Until you're married, you'll never know what it's like. How many go into it starry eyed and wind up with black and blue eyes. How many are tricked and then can't make a move without permission? Cannot be allowed to visit family or friends? It can be a nightmare!
This comment was (unintentionally) poetic and also VERY TRUE!
That’s not marriage at all. That’s straight up abuse and slavery. Leave!
That’s why you have to have clear communication while dating so that you know what to expect at least in the beginning and adjust accordingly with your spouse throughout the marriage. The key is INTENTIONALITY and ACCOUNTABILITY for both parties.
@@lw1814You can do all of that and more and often it's not enough.
Ain't that the truth! 😄
She may LIKE to plan but just because you like it doesn’t mean you want to do it every single time. “Oh she enjoys doing it!” “She thinks I️ ruin everything when I️ plan things!”. Yeah, she enjoys it because the stress is mitigated when she does it, therefore she enjoys the outcome more. But if he were to ACTUALLY plan something. She could see he can do things for himself. She can learn to trust his judgement. And I’m sure you’ll find out she doesn’t exactly LOVE to plan things. It doesn’t mean then he picks up all the planning but i think it’s be beneficial for both to plan stuff every once in a while.
Maybe. Or maybe she also needs to learn to chill out too. The issue on her side might be that everything has to be perfect all the time. That’s too stressful for anyone including her to live with that level of expectation. Expecting everything and everyone to be perfect is unreasonable.
Weaponised incompetence!
I can't believe John said that the solution to his poor planning was for his wife to do it all☠️
Never understood anxiety is from feeling unsafe. My ex was “the nice drunk”🤦🏽♀️.
The Brene Brown quote is "The story I'm telling myself is... " (Not "choosing to make up about you.") Just a stickler for accuracy 😅 that phrase changed my life, I didn't even realize I was telling myself stories. (Edited cause of typos)
This makes so much more sense haha! The way John phrases it has always sat weirdly with me 😅😂
Thank you for correcting that . I was thinking the same. They are different sentences with different meanings.
The story I’m telling myself is a way of saying, “this is what I think/believe about reality right now. “ Maybe the truth is something else…
@@dtschuor459 that is a really good way to phrase that 👍
Yeah because His is more accurate and takes personal responsibility. Browns is more a ´outside of yourself copout´
@@jackdeniston6150 Not a cop out. Just me perceiving the world through my filter, reflecting a reality that might be different from the other person’s “reality.” We don’t know what other people are thinking or fearing without telling them our own (vulnerability) and then letting them tell us theirs. Brené Brown encourages people to have honest communication and then to listen to the other person .
I took up an expensive pocketknife collecting habit to fill a void in my life. I was spending $500-1200 per month on those things. We are good financially but there are far better things to spend all that money on. My wife saw the statements and tolerated it. After talking with her I came to see how ridiculous that habit was. It was financial infidelity. I’m two months clean and the void I was filling is now filled with a satisfying relationship
Buy low, Sell high or trade for fire sticks 😂
I'm confused as to what exactly is wrong with you spending your money on something you enjoy
@@elihollingsworth6852 being the sole provider for a family of five, frequently plunking down $300- $500 for a pocketknife without telling the wife seems a bit much in hindsight. Over 2 years it was probably $15,000. Spending your earned money on things you enjoy is not a bad thing for everyone, it was a bad thing for me because I knew I was chasing a dopamine high. Pocketknife buying is recognized as an addiction in the knife community. I’m glad to carry on with the 50 that I have and let they be the end of it
@@elihollingsworth6852500-1200 a month on pocketknives is an addiction hun. One once in a while, or a new model to collect, or a cool one from a trip = a fun collection. 12,000 a year or more is filling a void with shopping.
@@elihollingsworth6852I think that he spent all of that money on himself alone , but did not ever think of spending some of that on something for his wife , or asking her what they should spend money on together .
"Dreams have to be attached to values, otherwise your dreams will kill you."
I don’t think marriage is for everyone it’s so complicated
Yup
Gotta be a great team player
Seems impossible to me.
Very true
i won't consider marriage without a prenup
So happy full video is up. My Wednesday was weird without Delony’s craziness’s. This show gets me through most of my life adventures!!!! 😂❤
“This is just the way it’s gonna be” is soulless
This guy doesn’t realize how serious his issue is. I was married to a guy like this. Key word being “was.” At least he has the self awareness to call and ask for insight.
I feel like John just starts rambling about situations for soooo long then asks people “am I on the money” and at which point the caller just awkwardly agrees just because how LONG John had already been rambling for
😅
Yeah ive noticed that too lately.. he also sometimes laughs at people inappropriately. Love the guy but..
@53:13 "Conflict deferred is conflict amplified"😮💨🔥
Love the kindness Doctor John speaks to every caller! Thank you Doctor John
Caller #3 - Marriage problem not a financial problem.
Nathan . Dr John is saying such good truths . You are two different individuals 10 years down the road. You wanting to work on your marriage is awesome!
Yessssss to regenerative farming!! Thank you for bringing this up
- Midwestern Science Teacher
Indeed, the status quo way of farming is a one way trip to debt, bankruptcy and chronic illness, I'm surprised there are still people who consciously choose to farm in that way like it's a dream of theirs.
I LOVED the question about dreams/hobbies! I think that couple is still going to clash about how much money to sink into it but it is a good idea to reframe the borrowing money discussion into values/safety.
This guy thinks he's great and he'd have no problem 'taking control'. He feels he doesn't have problems compared to other callers lol XD
That's the first red flag, the fact that he drags other callers into it to feel superior to them.
A caller like him turns into the other callers down the road. Self/awareness.
If the first caller was winging it on vacations and then things didn't work out, yeah, that was his fault.
my man hoped JD would take his side, omg.. hopefully he learns to take responsibility in their relationship and offer her the respect she deserves, so that they both change to be a berrer person for each other.
Dr. Delony, we need an episode every day!!!😊
I hate schedules because my whole day is scheduled out and the bulk of my off work time as well. I just want to get off work and do whatever the heck I want to do in that moment.
Welcome to adulthood.
He's not going to change because he's never been accountable for anything in his life, then his wife went along with whatever to keep the peace and now look at the situation.
SMH.... Poor lady. 😢
Manchild. I just hear somebody who never grew up. Hear a lot of entitlement. Pathetic.
I struggle with punctuality big time... probably due to my ADHD ( I've just turned 32, but I also only got diagnosed about 8/9 months ago... so I'm just starting to learn how to handle "myself", and I'm trying really hard to get better with things like... showing people I truly care about deeply, that me being late, not texting back, not picking up my phone, etc... doesn't mean I don't live them. I just have a weird way of staying connected to my loved-ones!
I'm currently trying to educate them (or at least the very few that actually care...), and letting them know what kind of techniques I'm using, and what techniques they are more than welcome to use on me!
Not saying this caller struggles with ADHD... I just wanted people to know that this one friend you have, who's always late, forgets about plans you've made together, etc... doesn't love you. More often than not, they cherish you very much, but things like ADHD - especially when it's undiagnosed until this person's late twenties, early thirties... or even later, can make people like me look like jerks!
I'm sry that you have to deal with us... and at the same time - THANK YOU VERY MUCH! 🙏🏻
Adhd isn't real. Its a bs excuse.
As someone who dated a man who was late all the time, and even after telling him how much I hated it to the point that after the 200th time, I would just cancel on the spot when he was late. But of course that alone didn't fix the issue, nothing did. So I walked away. I walked away because even after letting them know in several ways how disrespectful and hurtful it was, he always made excuses or gaslit me. He would also ask me why it was a big deal. It's funny because he would complain about his coworkers being late but never did get it himself.
My boyfriend is still friends with a woman who loathes me and would constantly tell my boyfriend to break up with me and find someone better for no reason. My boyfriend is 32 and 7 years older than me, and she's 3 years older than my boyfriend. I used to just laugh at it and assume she's jealous of our relationship. But its beginning to get more annoying since my boyfriend still hangs out with her and their other friends
Life isn't what I thought it would be either. 😂
I think the Brene Brown phrase is: “The story I tell myself is…”
Nice work, as always, Dr John. You rock, man
Dr Delony, I’d LOVE a scholarship for your marriage weekend!!! My husband and I sure need it😢
Time Management is very important, Even in your personal life. I worked in HR in an IT environment and the Executive insisted that every staff member "sit through" a half hour in an Training Room on "Time Management" every 6 months - a continuous reFresher. WHY? Because we billed out our services 7xhours per day for 'Services rendered". I am a mature person now and to this day, I can be showered, make my bed, dressed grab different things plus keys and be OUT of my house. NO I am not a perfectionist...I am a quick PLANNER. I don't have to iron something before I leave... I simply "rush through" my tasks and get it done!
Delony getting on the Whatever podcast would be awesome. I know thats super random and not in the same realm but i think he would have some wise words for everyone including the hosts on the show.
Those guys are cowards and they would never ever expose themselves to a wise, mature man telling them the truth about relationships and building character.
F that podcast.
Caller N1 has no accountability, I feel sorry for his wife. I am pretty sure he will ignore everything the Dr. Is saying.
He's a 15-year-old boy and a 42-year-old man's body. That's why John thought he was so young.
Hey Dr. John or commenters, quick question here. As someone who grew up in poverty and has struggled on their own to survive and become what I consider middle class. (and that's a hell of an achievement imo) How do I begin to build generational wealth?
I don't agree that most people get round grief. Grief is part of life. Beloved grandparents lost when you're a child, parents, pets, siblings, close friends, peers. The loss of a child is insurmountable, and stillbirth and miscarriage. Then there's grief and loss suffered by our loved-ones. Responding to grief teaches us empathy.
The BEST mental health show on the planet!
Thanks for posting the actual video
I feel for Ann! I had the same issue and tired out my ex was a closet alcoholic. Get out fast if he doesn’t care.
Great work, God bless.
I hate when they say, "l think", he thinks his wife enjoys it every time, but i know we usually get tired and appreciate the help, he didn't know for sure coz it's convenient to him.
“Maybe he can’t do what he wants to do” yeah, maybe can’t. Welcome to being an adult.
The first caller is a man-child King baby. I was shocked when he revealed he was 42 years old. He literally sounds like he's 25. Grow up.
🎯🎯🎯👍🏾
Marriage is a sacred union between two individuals, a promise of love, commitment, and companionship. A wedding is a celebration of this union, a joyous occasion where families and friends come together to witness and support the couple as they embark on their journey together, creating memories to cherish forever.
I like the really quick comment John made about the mother in law "you are disinterested in us being together" it's so true! The MIL doesnt respect their marriage. She sees him as her baby boy, not a grown married man with a family. Terrible self-centered woman who doesn't care to be aware of the damage she's doing.
51:45
Dr. Delaney , could you please address the topic of jealousy in a marriage.
The first guy is insufferable.
Caller number 1: just don’t be ignorant and start thinking of possible outcomes ahead of time.
Thanks for noticing the posting mistake this morning
Edit: His audio sounds rough?
Yes I noticed that also it sounds pretty bad
I have never heard anyone saying anything like what the father of the bereaved child said that "most people have the opinion of avoiding grief for most of their life". Everyone suffers grief throughout their lives.
I would love to see John's feedback on Fair Play the book and game. I've found it gave me the terms to express the labor imbalance that was in my house.
Oh yah! I’m glad my husband cleans the house. He does his own laundry, he does the dishes and mops the floor, takes the trash and recycling out. I’ve never had to ask him to do other tasks around the house he does them of his own volition - repairs, changing the air filter, etc. I’ve heard good things about Fair Play and would recommend it for couples who don’t have this down.
Every guy I know who is married look so happy and fulfilled, and it feels like I’m being told I’m single in a million ways. For all men who are married, is marriage really the ultimate achievement? It’s very overwhelming for me when having to succumb to the pressure of finding someone to spend the rest of my life with because society seems to ostracize men who are single. Almost as if it’s a sin. Whenever I come across a married man, I always feel like I’m missing out, and making me question my self-worth.
Same brother. Life keeps me busy so i cant think about it as much as you do. Damn, im glad im still alive.
It’s not at all what it is cracked up to be. First and foremost figure out what you want most in life. Chase after that, if you find someone who wants to come along for the ride, cool but don’t ever let it derail your authentic purpose and desired outcome for your life.
I’ve been married, and believe me being single is an absolute blessing, enjoy it!
Marriage is about someone in your life that always has your back and you have theirs. You become a unit but you do not lose your own identities. Marriage is wonderful for sure, however it is necessary to find a person that you trust completely and trusts you completely. Take your time and choose wisely. Having said all this marriage is ever evolving and requires continuous renegotiation, this is the trick to a healthy happy marriage.
In the Bible it states it's actually better to stay single! And, that marriage is definitely not for everyone. Paul states this in the New Testament. When I found this out, I felt much better ❤❤
@@texuztweety Paul actually says it is good to stay single IF you can excercise self control. “But if they cannot excercise self control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion”. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9. Marriage is amazing when you find your best friend and make a lifetime commitment! ❤ It will have ups and downs (like any relationship) but if you’re with the right person it’s beautiful.
She enjoys it bc she’s knows when she does it, it will be successful and she can potentially have a good time.
I am the spontaneous person in our 47 yr marriage, my husband is not…..so many many yrs ago he decided that if he planned the surprise, then both of us would be excited! Compromise for each other!
That’s one thing I would love too, farming life . I grew up in a city and I’m sick of it. My dad is a country guy (he didn’t raised me), and used to take me on weekends to the farms/mountains and stay there how to forget that peaceful life.
What's up with dudes wanting the trappings, honor, and title of leadership without doing any of the sacrifice, discipline, and responsibilities of a leader? I'm so over this. You don't just get to be a leader because you were born with a ween. Get over yourself.
Dr. John, can you disturb what needs to be disturbed on The Foster Care system and the devestation that kids have been through and what needs to be done for them?
Thanks!
When you say you'll be somewhere at a certain time, be there! It shows a severe lack of respect to the other person.
I get the dinner thing. When my wife asks, i say whatever she wants because im not going to lose sleep over it like she will.
Oh my gosh! The spending caller - that was my ex-husband - wanted me to budget for the family, but he refused to stick to it and had multiple hidden accounts. But, it was my fault that we weren't saving because I was in control of the budget. Thankfully, my new person is very open and I have access to all of his accounts, even though we aren't married yet.
Caller #3: get out. You would love to have a shared account with someone responsible. You need to get rid of that irresponsible leech and find a functional human, someone who doesn't need to be shut out of accounts.
I've just gotten out of a legal battle with my ex partner who stole from me, ranked up debt in my name, drank too much, was cheating and hiding stuff. I found most of that out only after I got out. At the end I barely escaped physical violence. I have got several mental health and physical health issues though from that relationship that I will have to deal with for a long time. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
Yes my husband and I have complete joint accounts. We budget together bc we’re a team. This whole situation is sketchy af
I disagree that couples can't have separate accounts as well as a joint account. I will always make sure I have an account of my own separate to a joint account.
It's totally naive not to allow adults to tend to their own finances and spend what they want with some of their money. However, pilfering from the joint account, the agreed amounts that are for the family are a total NO. I would not just THAT man. And yes, there’s no reason to hide your personal account from your spouse.
Man: I got married and then I thought I would be THE LEADER.
Woman: (snorts while laughing) Is that what you thought? Reaaaally? Who taught you that nonsense. We are supposed to be partners. Now what do you want to get for supper? Let’s decide.
Man in Petulance: I don’t care. You pick it.
Woman: Greek! Let’s go!
Not making excuses for my husband he has mentally abused me in front of kids. We have been in therapy it is hard but divorce would be worse neither option is great . I do not make excuses
He said “When we first got married I thought I would kind of plan to TAKE CONTROL. & then he said and “lead”
When you take control you get your way, wants needs.
When you lead like a loving husband your decisions meet your needs,wants & your wife’s & children’s needs and wants and the decisions are discussed jointly by you & your wife so that the needs & wants are met in a prioritized order of the individuals in the family. The order will change day by day. Sometimes minute by minute. Everyone’s needs & wants will be met by a loving Mom & Dad & a loving husband and wife. This guy gave up because leading lovingly takes work and no one wants to be controlled. She felt that control-not a loving lead right from the start.
Do want Delony has said-CARE MAN
At the end Delony said take your wife out and you say to her- I want YOU & I to plan what the next ten years look like.
Don’t think if you can’t control then you will just throw all the weight of what should be both of your responsibilities & plans on your wife.
🙏ing for your marriage & children!!!
My life’s dream was always to earn a PhD. But our family’s values of not going into student loan debt and me being available to our kids when they were little meant that my dream waited. And it ended up waiting longer than I expected. But it was important to me and my husband held space for it. And now, at 47 I’ll be graduating with my masters. Next up: a PhD. Life is about sacrifices and compromises. Live in reality. Ruining the life you’ve worked hard for to have a dream would be so sad.
Ugh. I had a brother who you just never knew when he'd show up when plans were made. I worked online and had meetings at set times. This was long before people actually thought of online work as a "real job."
So, I was staying with my elderly mother on a month-long visit (not a vacation) and I had a two hour and 15 minute window where we four "kids" were going out to dinner. I live abroad and my sister had flown in from another state. Everyone was supposed to be there at 1 pm. We waited and waited and waited. Instead of going out to dinner on time and have him meet us at the restaurant my mother and sister insisted we had to wait for him. He finally shows up an hour late.
I am frustrated and explain that I can't go because it's too short of a time frame. They don't get it. I tell them I have to stay now. So, no apologies from anyone as they head out the door. I was so angry I gave them all a tongue lashing about how rude it was as they all left me at home to go to dinner. They were back 2 hrs later. My brother (the one who was late) was the only one thoughtful enough to bring me back something to eat.
Yeah, I had issues with my family. As the middle child, I felt ignored. Some people think back and remember the wonderful times. All I feel is a gnawing resentment. I wonder why.
We need someone like you in Ireland!
Every man should listen to this podcast just to see how much work marriage is and it’s not for everyone
President Jimmy Carter told the story about how his wife was always late and how this drove him crazy. One anniversary his gift to her was a letter stating how much he loved her and as his anniversary gift to her was never again to criticize her for being late. The surprise to him was how he felt within himself at releasing that angst and frustration.
People who are neurodivergent (adhd/autism) have these issues (not making excuses). Everyone needs to learn coping skills. However, the nasty comments add to the shame of the individuals in the neurodivergent community. Some people are trying.
Yes, this!!! Have some tolerance for differences. I don't know ANYONE who likes being late or does it on purpose!
Being late is another form of attention seeking. And disrespectful/rude.
My husband doesn't want to help plan vacations in advance, but when we get somewhere, then he starts researching and asks "oh, are we going to this place?". It would make me crazy. Now I just leave gaps in our itinerary so we can insert new things into the schedule when we get there. I also let him plan the meals, since where we eat is more of a big deal to him, then. me. I just gotta eat before I get hangry. Its all about communication and finding how to compromise for each other and also carrying snacks. Lol
I love to be spontaneous but like John sometimes that doesn't work so well if all the hotels are full and you end up at Arby's for dinner. But I've learned that some planning actually makes the trip more fun.
One of the last callers. How is it taking from the family when he is the provider! That's my issue with my husband.
Loved the episode! Was the audio buggy?
Second caller: RUN. I saw this exact thing play out-alcoholism, debt, and an enabling mother in law-with my uncle. He wound up a 55 year old divorced meth addict in his mom’s extra room. LEAVE NOW!
The third caller just doesn't want to acknowledge that her husband's behavior isn't going to change. I get the feeling she is invested in being a martyr.
I don't like the idea of divorce, but for the sake of her children she needs to leave.
What a cool new intro.
how do people manage to be on time though 😭 to me it’s the most difficult thing in the world
Some people say (don't know if it's true) that it's a symptom of ADHD. It's just how the brain works for some people.
@@meetandinspiretime blindness - yes. But it is managable! You just got to figure out what the system is that works for you
Literally just came here to say that you might be suffering from time blindness and might want to check yourself out for ADHD. 😅
It's literally the most disrespectful thing to be Late
Regardless of excuses and so called ADHD cr.ap
Alarms and being realistic 😂 as someone with adhd i dont overload my schedule, because tjings will take longer than expected, and i use multiple alarms. Prepare to be prepared alarms, warming Larm, tjis absolutely the latest u can start getting ready alarms, and race it! Anything with packing i pack the night before. Always add extra time for driving.
Youre gonna be late sometimes but itcwont be a trait. Its also important to know the difference between something 10 minutes wont matter to, and something where really u shoukd act like thr start time is 30 mins earlier.
30:37 I think wanting to buy land for your family is much different than this guy wanting to start a business. Her husband is trying to start a business. There are risks and debt involved with starting a business. I think she needs to decide if she trust her husband’s ability to make it successful and if it's worth the financial risk for their family.
she should encourage her husband to write a business plan so they have a clear vision of what this business looks like and how long it will take to be profitable .
A person who is always chronically late or backs out of plans last second pisses me off. It’s a pet peeve of mine. If you are gonna be late, then have the decency to let me know. If you are gonna cancel last minute because something happened then have the decency to reschedule. Life happens. I understand that, but it’s also a different story if they just all of a sudden decided to do something else, they’ve scheduled something else to do instead that day. Like when I plan to hang out with someone a certain day first and then decide to have a haircut I will plan around it.
Full video= hello!!! Back to my Wednesday routine now...!
Awesome episode 👍
First caller saying that his problems ale small in comparison to the others and there I AM hearing his story as if it was my husband calling. And I know its not him cause he doesnt speak english. Thanks doc, advices for this man helped me to round up whats inside my head and how to comunicate things to my spause. Sorry for mistakes, english is not my native