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You spend all your time trying get them to love you; making yourself small- so you don’t upset them, because they already curse at you, yell at you & call you insulting names. You often don’t have a self esteem because they never taught you to love yourself, so you never have the self esteem to go against them
I was shamed, not valued, not nurtured, heavily criticized, & manipulated by my "victimized" narcissist mother. She missed out on realizing and enjoying her great kid-ME!
My mother too, she wouldn't know a good thing if it hit her in the face. She literally is blind and has no idea what she had in a family or what she could have learned or anything. Ironically we have disabilities in my family with children having autism and other comorbidities and yet we can see more clearly than she can, my son is severely disabled and in a wheelchair and he has more idea than she does. It just goes to prove, some people never get it.
Childhood with NPD Parents : What childhood? ....😐 Anyone else glad when your 'childhood' was finally over? Many Blessings of healing to everyone here🙏
@@carolnahigian9518 that’s the way they triangulate they get their power from taking away the scapegoats power. Just like a succubus they try to take your soul. They love it when bad happens I always remember my moms smirk when she seen my pain.
@@Mudpie68 My mom gets so tickled with herself when she is successful in her manipulations. Her smile is so creepy. She looks mad and hungry. Just her normal smile in family pics. Now she can't maipulate me and she has gone low contact because I am toxic. Muhahaha!
@@EricaEricaBoberica oh my yes mine would grit her teeth while tickling me past the point of me not even being able to beg her to stop anymore because I couldn’t breathe as she held me down unmercifully and through gritted teeth asking me “what’s wrong you want me to stop?” Talking through her teeth like a serpent holding back her forked flickering tongue. And I’ll never forget her eyes they would change when she was doing these things like she couldn’t contain her evil it was leaking out of her clenched teeth. Still makes me frightened. And anxious.
Just when I think there cannot be any more insight on the trauma that I have experienced and endured since childhood as a result of being raised by a narcissistic parent, Jerry drops another bomb video giving me more clarity on the most insidious and horrific of all abuses Narcissistic abuse! A million thanks to you Jerry.
This made me feel normal...I felt like an idiot feeling unloved by my own parents. They are narcissistic for a fact. I pity them but I know it's not normal and I will have pure love and support for my children. It's an evil spirt out there. I hope we all meet good spirits only.
Jerry lays it out in a way that cuts through the circular narcissistic residue of the memories. When I watch him, I can see what happened and how I tried to cope and how I struggle in a clear way without everything getting gaslighty and hard to hold focus on like it usually does. ❤ much gratitude, Jerry
You feel virtually powerless. Your life is not your own. You feel voiceless, invisible, unheard. You are unable to identify your feelings but you are emotional. Highly triggered, anxious but you will hide it. Learn not to care even in crazy situations. Loyal to people when it is not reciprocated or deserved. You feel depressed or anxious rather than angry (anger turned inwards) You experience hypervigilance but don't know why You may be successful but not happy Authority figures will cause difficulty because you will project your experience with your parents onto the authority figure You don't know how to deal with gaslighting or distortion, it triggers self-doubt.
At age 52, my self-esteem is very low, sadly. Grew up with a father prone to terrifying (so they felt to me) rage outbursts and what could be cutting criticism. Sometimes he’d praise me and my sister highly, but at other times terrify us with his rage, or hurt us with cutting criticism and with his frequent tone of irritation and impatience.
At 55 I don't know what I want. Literally for 44 years it was keeping the narc psycho father from blowing up on the daily. I was responsible for keeping everyone safe. Now that I don't have anyone to protect, I'm absolutely lost.
I feel similarly, male age 52. My father had periodic explosive and unpredictable anger that terrified me. Cutting criticism at times also. Worst in my middle school years. Since I can remember I’ve been highly fearful. Until recently, I attributed that fear to my natural temperament (my mother is reserved), but now I wonder, having learned more about narcissism and verbal abuse, if it was exacerbated or caused by my father’s treatment of me.
When you're a kid whatever you're experiencing is just how the world is. You don't question it. What your parents say is important is the only thing that is. In the days of 1 TV and no Internet living in the country as an only child there's no dissenting voice.
Absolutely @jerry. When I finally went to therapy & began to unravel what happened in our home as I grew up, it was only THEN that I realized that life in our house was largely "upside down" & thus very unhealthy & damaging. But as a kid, it was like you said ... "just life" & the only 'normal' my brother & I knew. The kid(s) can't always perceive that things are fairly off... or, WAY OFF. All those years go by in a child - teen's life & THEN sadly, he or she often has to spend time in therapy, + also work a continual recovery, survival-self-protection, & re-learning program for the rest of his or her life as a result of the damage done in childhood. I'm very grateful to have found my way to therapy, but it's still sad when one learns & sees "what might have been" if they had had healthy parents. It seems that was, & STILL IS very, rare in this broken world. I'm very thankful for the professionals on YT endeavoring to help people figure out what actually happened, & then work on healing.
I can't remember much of my childhood. When I do access a memory, it's most often one that's negative. That says a lot. On the rare occasion that I hear someone say "Oh I had a great childhood," I am always in utter awe & amazement that a happy childhood could actually happen.
It’s my opinion that the narcissistic parent has an intense hatred for the same sex child, and sees the child as 100% their competition. And a competitor is someone we try to destroy. There are no boundaries or empathy for your problems growing up. Because the narcissist parent truly does not care.
My mother hated me openly as long as she lived. The way she looked at me. I was the only girl, maybe it was because I became a true Christian at age 12, because it got worse as life went on.
My mother used to "play the tiny violin" when I was a child and seeking solution or support or having a hard time. She did it to all of us and hummed a little tune and played the invisible violin on her fingers. Mocking her children if they had a problem or complaint or concern. She also frequently reminded us that "well...life sucks and then you die".... Never was very good at offering comfort or helping her children work through sibling miscommunications and debates. She also reminded me often that if we don't have expectations of people then we can't be disappointed. She also found joy in doing things like playing this odd game of "podittle" while driving. If we passed by a car that was missing a light... She would say "podittle" and punch us in the arm with a fist (and made sure to jut her middle knuckle out to have the most painful impact).... But it was done under the guise of a funny game to play while driving (like "I spy" but with punching and bruises) She was also horrible about her role as a grandmother. Constantly undermined me, alienated my first child and was drinking way too much. Narcissistic? The pros thought so. But my entire family is enmeshed. I cut contact years ago. When I have told my therapists these stories.... They usually show pity and empathy and are disturbed that my mother did things like that. It was normalized for me and many people have NO idea why I decided to become estranged from the family of origin. My siblings enabled and couldn't face it. My older sister outright told me she did not have the emotional capacity to face the estrangement with me even though she was just as traumatized by her upbringing than I was. I feel alone in my estrangement. Many people don't have the ability to wrap their minds around it. I learned the hard way not to rely on anyone or expect anyone to truly "get it". Even the person I'd considered my closest friend...that claims to understand and wants to be supportive .. doesn't *truly* get it and offers suggestions or advice that suggests I should forgive. What they don't realize is just how much I have forgiven... or was exposed to, or had to protect my children from...And what I had to process through in order to not be bitter or angry in this life. I have forgiven. That doesn't mean I have a relationship again though. It's called self respect and boundaries.
That’s similar to my childhood. I have six siblings and was the scapegoat kid. I’m the 4th of seven kids- dead center. My husband and I went to live in Germany for six years and my very enmeshed family ‘s wheels began to fall off. The scapegoat kid (me) had physically left and now there was a lack of scapegoat and perceived abandonment. My very narcissistic brother told me, “He’s taking you away from the family” when I got married and then repeated the same thing when we were preparing to move overseas. My mother died a year after we were living in Germany. I began a journey of healing and I began to dig into the possible reasons my mother was so narcissistic. She grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and a very depressed and anxious mother. My grandfather was cruel in his dealing with his wife and children and may have been sexually abusive towards my mother (based on some very peculiar stories she related). I’m a retired police officer, so understanding the warning signs of potential sexual abuse was a part of my training. My mother was abusive emotionally with all of us, but very physically abusive with the youngest two. She used to tell us, “I hit you because I love you,”. The youngest of my siblings once yelled at her as a four year old as she was spanking him, “I hate you because I love you.” Imagine that. He felt the natural need to love her, but her abuse clouded that need. My mother ruled with an iron fist when we were kids. She told us all sorts of stories, insisting she saw “the devil” one sunny day when she was a kid. She began to relate stories (in our teens) that the house was haunted by a tribe of Indians. She said she heard footsteps in the house while we were in school, said she saw shadows and heard voices and claimed she saw UFOs. She claimed she had telekinesis- the ability to move objects with her mind. As we grew the stories became more imaginative until we were old enough to move away. At that point she began to triangulate against boyfriends, girlfriend, fiancés and in laws. She tried her best to drive them away. Today my siblings don’t talk to me. I wrote notes to each of my six (per Jerry’s advice). I explained my intention not to participate in triangular communication but to remain open to truthful conversation. No one responded to my letters. As my study of psychology continues, I find comfort in understanding what dynamics are occurring. While it’s unfortunate I don’t have a relationship with my siblings, I understand they must do their own work to heal themselves. I can ‘live with’ the fact that they choose not to face the neglectful and abusive childhood we lived. It doesn’t upset me, but rather reaffirms my own commitment to myself in healing. Your story is very similar to mine and I wish all the best to you. Sometimes there’s only one person in a big family who ‘gets it’ and you are the one. Never see that as an indication that you’re the problem. You’re the one who has thus far seen the truth.
Your situation is very similar to mine. It is very hard to find common ground with others when raised this way. I'm 59 and it is still a struggle. I am grateful for my grandparents who took over raising me between 4-8 otherwise is unimaginable. I would have been eaten up by now. I agree, to have gotten this far, forgiveness is baked in. There is NO way to get this far without it. However, outside the narcist bubble looking in, you appear to the world as the ungrateful, uncaring, mean spirited person. It is a hard path that we are on. Knowing my narcistic parents via YEARS of them talking about themselves and observing them, it's painful to KNOW how they are portraying me to family and friends. KNOW that you are STRONG to be capable of how you conduct your life. I feel like every step I take in self respect and boundaries is a small but silent victory （＾∀＾●）ﾉｼ
@@smartasafox3714 agreed. It’s difficult when the very people who abuse you are family. I’m about your age and have been on my own healing path since 2016. That’s when my mother died and I sought out answers. As for myself, it doesn’t bother me if they malign me. I don’t rotate in their circles- either psychically or spiritually. I won’t risk my eternity to be so petty. Stay the course and fight the good fight as Paul said.
@@junepeyer1200 thank you so much for the kind words of validation and understanding. I felt compelled to comment here because Jerry has been inspirational to my healing process and journey of self enlightenment. My mother also had a strange childhood but much of the history of her experiences were never disclosed. My father also was a functional alcoholic with a complicated family of origin. I was the first to point to the dysfunctional pattern and the first to break free and the first to go to therapy. I'm slowly working my way towards true peace and acceptance. I wish you didn't relate to my experience... But I truly appreciate you sharing with me and the understanding you have offered. Cheers to you. 🤍
@@lilaworley8935 I suppose the silver lining of it is that because we had those similarities, we can also heal in similar ways. 😊 I was the first to go to therapy too! At the tender age of like 8 (well- 2nd grade). My mother used to say I wasn’t learning as fast as the other siblings and having a lisp (which I do to this day and is suspected to be a sign of trauma from my childhood) I went to the school psychologist. How’s that for an ‘identified patient’? !!! Turns out I spilled the beans during my few meeting with the school psych and my mother was mad. She told me I shouldn’t have told the school psychologist…. Blamed me for telling the truth….well-- i do to this day and i don’t care who dislikes the truth.
I spent decades bashing my head against the brick wall of a grandiose narc parent who treated me as the scapegoat in the family. It's just been in the last five years that I have actively educated myself on the subject. Initially it was devastating to understand the damage done, how the abuse bled down through the years and infected so many aspect of life. This late in the day, I have come to accept that the whole experience has been one of my main lessons in this life and I have committed myself to understand it all completely.
@@karlabritfeld7104 Two other siblings - but she used their names and catered to their needs. My role included being a servant to one brother who never had to lift a finger. My schooling was average, creative, only one to pass exams: “You’re just too big for your boots!” The other two dropped out. No achievement was ever good enough. We three have all had/have addictions. The ‘family’ is a study in dysfunction, no drugs or alcohol used by parents. Two siblings never married, one divorced. She was no mother and belittled/excluded me wherever she possibly could. People don’t believe it: “But you’ve turned out well.” No I didn’t. It just looks that way, painted house broken foundations - just like it was modelled to us. The turmoil has been this life’s education and I’ve accepted that. Siblings still lost in the dust.
@@karlabritfeld7104 My sister - while abused - was the Golden child and she turned into a mini-mom. She's as nasty and miserable but refuses to grasp her unacceptable behavior and that it's a result of the abuse she endured. She'd rather stay in the FOG and keep believing Scapegoat me is why our whole family was/is unhappy.
Growing up in a home with a narcissistic parent gets worse as the children get older; because they begin to stop idolizing the other parent and want to start to separate and the aging narc parent will have no part of it. As a result the rage fits and crazy making begins to escalate and many people describe it as feeling like they are locked in a cage or being suffocated. This is when children begin to get depressed, angry, anxious, self harm, self sabotage, develop eating disorders because the narc parent body shames and has zero boundaries. This is also when the NP begins to alienate the children from the other parent and each other, guilts, shames, tracks, invades their privacy, gaslights, installs cameras, monitor cell phones due to paranoia and the narcissistic stare worsens. Often the golden child and scapegoat become interchangeable based on the level of supply they are offering. For any parent that recognizes any of these signs the sooner you develop an exit plan and leave the better chance your children have to lead normal healthier and happier lives.💛 When choosing a therapist it is crucial that you find one that understands narcissism or else they can cause more harm then good.💛 Jerry thank you for your continued education because the more the other parent can become educated early on the more they can educate their children and provide them with the tools needed to keep themselves safe moving forward.💛 Your series the key to overcoming narcissistic family rules helped me tremendously along my healing path and I would recommend that everyone that resonates with any of these signs in this video check that series out online as well.💛
I didn't know what the name "narcissist" meant until this year, but I figured out how things worked with my parents 30 years ago. I learned the work arounds and the truths that I needed. (I can even remember saying, "well that's not how I remember it." But one of the nice side effects of learning that my childhood was dominated by two narcissistic parents is that the issues I have struggled with are normal given my childhood. Validation is healing. Also knowing the name of things like trama bonding help me not to be confused by my own reactions. I am still hypervigilant (I used to call myself paranoid but now I know the difference). I have also notice I rarely get angry anymore because I can connect what I see and feel with a knowledge of narcissistic behavior and abuse response. Knowledge is a beautiful thing when you can use it to heal.
I grew up with narcissistic parents but my mom is the worst. My dad wasn't that bad. My dad is no longer here but my mom is and I finally just cut complete ties. At 52 she is still treating me terrible. I am the scapegoat and she has NEVER treated me ok. She is controlling, manipulative, and if I don't go with what she wants, she is sure to punish me. I am on a start to healing and I will be ok. I will NEVER go back or have contact again. My mom sabotaged every attempt I have done to be successful, which has made it so difficult to do anything. She is smothering, humiliates me in front of people, has never said anything positive about me except shockingly once, she beat me down as a child so badly that I missed out on many opportunities. My patents were divorced and my dad was a alcoholic. I was stuck raising my siblings, and she would play mental games with me as a teenager, throwing me in jail for things she lied about. It wasn't as bad as I am sure others but it was bad and I tried to commit suicide when I was 12. I am sorry any child or adult has to go through this.
Prison. One warden and one guard. At first, I thought the guard was the warden and the warden the guard. I found out later it was actually the opposite. The narc had us all convinced she was the victim in all things, and dad was the bad guy. She destroyed the family. She did not destroy me. I resolved at age 4 that she would not. She tried to murder me a few times. Didn't work! She's 100 now... still abuses the family that chooses to stick around. I'm 3000+ miles away from all that. 😅
Growing up i knew my family was extremely toxic but I didn't know about mental illness or personality disorders and because of my lack of knowledge I stayed longer than I should have with my toxic family. If i would have known what i know now i would have demanded cps to take me away from the abuse. All i can do now is deal with the ptsd and trauma. I have went no contact with my family and it's the best thing I have ever done for myself. My family will never change and im not going to waste any of my precious time trying to get them to change or see my point of view. My heart goes out to any people who has been abused by a narcissist or toxic parent. Remember that parents and any family members are supposed to love you and protect you and respect you and act empathetic towards you and never judge you or be critical in a unless manner that is no help to you, like name calling or attacking your appearance.
My nan and grandad attacked My appearance a few times, but I'm not sure what to think of it, once I let my beard and hair grow, they were saying I looked homeless, not the first time they insulted how I look, not sure if that even counts as narcissism?
So on point . We were expected to put on the 'happy family' performance for everyone and god help us if we didn't do it well enough . Being my mother's scapegoat I was told that I didn't have 'the right' to be angry or have any emotional displays of any kind . I have experienced depression since a young child - raged at and threatened almost daily with extreme violence . My throat muscles were so tight that it was painful to swallow for years . During those years I was so unhappy , confused but had no clue what was going on with these angry violent , lying people . My few friends never talked of anything similar going on at their homes and I never witnessed such behaviour in others' homes . After marrying , my horrible acting MIL displayed pretty much the same traits as my father even to the point of saying the exact same things despite being raised hundreds of miles from where he grew up . That really piqued my interest . Through study and investigation I learned I was dealing with overt narcissists. - I was 25 then . It was some years again before I figured out my covert narc mother - another sneaky , lying , violent , two faced kettle of fish there . Children should NOT have to grow up with these monstrous acting people .
No Pavla you are 💯correct they should not.💛 God bless🙏 By taking time to heal your own childhood wounds you will be helping to break the cycle and in return your healing will help future generations as well.💛🙏💪✨🕊️
Growing up with a narc mother was an unmitigated nightmare. I was falsely accused of sins I never committed then humiliated for not accepting guilt for the things I never did. My mother did this a lot. She would know something important was going to happen then take it away from me or deny access to it deliberately. This happen many, many times. She was a hateful, mentally deranged person filled with rage who never got any mental health treatment.
I discovered my mother was evil reptile when I hit 40 and financially devastated, that was my lowest point when I was discarded and my name smeared.. because reptiles never get off their phones, gossiping.... no family, no friends... lonely af, but I've been this way all my life, so I got used to it. Yes, growing up was exactly like Mr. Wise described in this video.
I am 47. I went no contact 7 years ago. It was a few months before my 40th. That was a birthday present to myself. I was a truly broken soul when I had enough
I was 60 when I realized I was badly raked over by narc parents. yes, I wish I found out at least 10 years ago or 30 years ago . But yeah, you pegged my life to a T
Yep, just realising this more so now I'm in my 50's....i wasn't allowed to be me...i didn't have a voice. I know my parents are old fashioned but i wasn't allowed to grow...not allowed to show any feelings etc etc etc.... so much to it...
Right before I turned 60 I figured out our narcissistic mother….I’m buckled up for the wild ride, just went NC. She’s still going strong at almost 90 yrs old!
I hear you. Mine is 88 and her carefully maintained exterior and self congratulation about it hides a twisted mess inside. But you can't tell them that, of course. They know absolutely everything - particularly about those things they will never have the courage to truly look at. I tolerate her monologues - er, phone calls - every couple of months. Haven't phoned her for the best part of ten years.
My husband is 65 and up until 2 months ago, he refused to acknowledge his narc family, his malignant step father, his enabler mom, his golden child sister, his lost child sister, and his mascot sister. The entire dysfunctional family, he was, by the way the scapegoat. Abused emotionally and physically. He is still relates to his abuser.
I just recently have realized my parents, especially my mom, was narcissistic and I'm in my 50s. Yes, smothering, tyraranical, controlling, critical, but not much love bombing, nor any love and comfort. No, Independence was not allowed, unless you count keeping quiet and out of the way, but not out of sight. Yes, hiding much anxiety in life. I never panicked in emergencies, but did not associate that trait with narcissistic abuse. Yes, hypervigilant, but have been called paranoid by significant others in my life. Sad that only this late in life I am gaining so much insight. I am so thankful for these videos.
I can relate to every word of that. And of oxurse growing up, since we didn't have access to these tools, we felt like it was all just us, we were wrong, or something was wrong with us. It sometimes felt like going crazy. Having to shut down to survive. Oy. It was bad. Often we don't know how bad until someone truly good enters our life and reflects thya back to us. Personally, I found yoga, hypnotherapy and breathwork to be so helpful. Once I realized what had happened to me, those techniques began to help me heal the wounds, release the trauma and be kmy true self.
Jerry, I can’t thank you enough for acknowledging the negative outcomes for children who grow into adults, who had no choice in selecting their parents, and are therefore raised by narcissistic parents who don’t have a clue, they are narcs! Once I realized who they were, I did my best to understand what they probably endured as children w their parents (my grand parents). It’s a sad story all the way around if you as me. Hearing the truth w our ears and seeing you speak truth, is very VERY healing indeed. Thanks again for helping us🦋🌸🌼⭐️
Some of them were too spoiled and they turned into rotten adults. My wicked “mother “ is an example of that. I can’t feel sorry for someone as deliberately cruel as her and the one who dared to call himself my “father “. He was a malignant narcissist and enjoyed my pain.
Lightbearer it is a sad story all around; which is often keeps us stuck in these toxic relationships longer then we should. Oftentimes recognizing and accepting that they are not capable of change, but that we are is the first step needed to move forward along our own healing paths.💛 God bless 🙏💪🕊️✨
@@Goldenheart2911 you are absolutely correct! Life is too short to think there is hope for our parents, and other narc family members. While I’ve moved on, in the tiny backdrop of my mind, I want to believe I can help them and they can be healed. Then I realize they are only mirroring fake behaviors. It’s kinda of sad they can’t be helped. Thanks again for your kind and supportive words. Best wishes🌼🍀☺️
@@Albacore877 You’re so welcome. I did not grow up with a Narcissistic parent, but my children did, and I now understand that I grew up as a member of a narcissistic/ codependent generational system that kept on repeating itself from one generation to the next. I pray that by finally recognizing and accepting that I could not save the Nex from himself or anyone else and removing my children from the toxicity and undergoing my own codependency healing that the cycle will end with me. Only time will tell.💛 I’m sorry that you had to endure growing up with a Narc parent. It is definitely not anything anyone wants, deserves or desires. My prayer is that through your own education, awakening and awareness you can move forward and live a much healthier and happier life.🙏💪🕊️✨ Jerry is amazing and his work has helped me tremendously along my healing path and I’m sure his teachings will do the same for you as well. 💛 God bless🙏
My CRAZY MAW was a SPOILED BRAT... NO ABUSE.... SADLY my father who was loving HAD BEEN THE INDENTURED SERVANT IF COLD BRUTAL GREEDY PARENTS WHO USED HIM AND HIS BABY BROTHER AS UNPAID PLUMBERS AND ELECTRICIANS IN THEIR LARGE PLUMBING BUSINESS....
My narcissistic father must be the reason why so many women have told me, “I don’t feel a connection with you” and “I want to get to know the real you” 😔
At age 52 I too am becoming aware of the significance of my father’s verbal abuse (rage outbursts that terrified me and my younger sister, cutting criticism at times, an irritated, impatient tone of voice so often) on my sense of self and my life’s course. He definitely has narcissistic tendencies, I’ve recently learned.
He is speaking from my heart I grew up like this and never learned how to recognice what narcissision is all about only in lot later years of my life. to late now to change this but I can live with it. For better or worse or what ever comes.
I'm 65, and just learning I suffer with C PTSD... from living 27 years with my narcissistic husband. I never knew what my 2 children and I lived through.
Most people don't even know what a narcissist is and your correct about not coming to that realization until your older, that's what just happened to me. It ruined my life. Of course the narcissistic world we live in holds me responsible.
I pray that things are better for you. I pray that you choose peace, joy, and healing for you in Jesus' name. You deserve it. You can't help what you grew up in, but you can choose to get and be better for you. You honestly owe that to yourself.
Check out the spiritual side of this to, I want to add. Some are litteral satanists in disguise. Im 36 to now, it took too long to realize. A lot in my life has been severely damaged.
I knew something was odd since I was a small child. But I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. I didn't understand why I couldn't be myself (still can't) in front of them. I was humiliated and beaten all the time. The didn't allow me to be myself. They loved me for a while and hated me afterwards. They were never completely happy, always wanted more. I looked around and saw different families. I could talk to my friends' mums and be myself. And I was completely powerless. It was never ending fight/flight/freeze (in my case freeze most of the time). I was depressed all my life. And now I feel very angry. I can't wait to be alone. There will be a chance to start building my life at last.
it took me years to learn my mother was a narcissist, I thought of her as a dr Jekyll and Hyde. When you are 50 or 60 when you find out your parent is a narcissist I feel this is way too late as too much damage has been done, and you will find it more difficult to go no contact.
It's never too late. And in the meanwhile you can continue to learn and process this information, and try things like breathwork, yoga, hypnotherapy, etc to work on releasing trauma from the body and clearing those subconscious patterns.
As a person who is 62 we should also consider the fact that the internet has made it extremely easy to find such relevant information to things that were not available as we were growing up. The stuff that be the doctor's or not, adults would never tell us but I should also add that I instinctively knew this and bet that most of us did when we were growing up, But because my parents were more subtle about it, I doubted it for years.
Thank you Jerry for sharing your wisdom and experience w us🙏🏼💕. Your voice on these issues is so helpful. I was 60 when I googled “ why does a parent pit her children against one another”? And narcissism is the first thing that came up. I suffered anxiety my entire life and decided to get therapy and it changed my life. Thank you for sharing you knowledge on TH-cam.
Every single one of these traits appiies. And fortunately I can say I have been able to change all of them to some extent at least. I can sometimes be genuinely happy about successes. I can allow myself to feel other emotions than depression, the only "emotion" permissible with my parents. I can deal differently with gaslighting. I can sometimes relax around people and sometimes feel the world is a lot nicer than I had been brought up to believe. I still have a very hard time with authority figures. I'm crying right now. This video was so on point.
You are such a gift, Jerry. I would not be where I am on my healing journey without you. I am not where I want to be yet, but videos like this keeps getting me closer. ❤
Good example Jerry! I live in Los Angeles, so I'm probably one of those that doesn't "see" the crazy things people do. Another example of this was about a month ago a guy with a gun came into a fast food restaurant attempting to rob it. The people eating there were unfazed, he even screamed and waved his gun at the cashiers, but they ignored him too. In the end, he gave up and left.
Just found your channel and this is some of the best, if not best that I have come across, explanations on what’s it like to grow up with narcissistic parent(s) and the scars that it leaves on their kids. So here I am, at 60 years old and finally realizing how much time I wasted on caring so much about what my mother thinks etc,.. and realized that she is not thinking of me. She is constantly thinking about how everything affects her and doesn’t have the ability to “relate” to people, or “empathize” at all. It doesn’t matter what she thinks regarding anything in my life, because she doesn’t understand me, or my life. She will never be able to give me a “fair” assessment on anything. It’s clouded by her inability to see and feel from another person’s perspective. I think the kids who are the most sensitive in such an environment with narcissistic parents, suffer the most. Sure, all siblings are affected, but it’s different. The sensitive person, I believe, has more self-awareness regarding their feelings and actions, and so suffer more from their warped view of themselves. The other siblings end up acting similar to the narcissistic parent and don’t even see any connection. I have this in my own family. I moved where my sister is and the more I have gotten to know her, I realize that she is extremely similar to my own mother. I used to care so much about that relationship, to the extreme really, and it turns out, she is just as clueless and as self-centered as our mother. I didn’t see it before as much because I hadn’t spent that much time with her. She appears to people to be empathetic because she has this affinity for animals in the extreme, HOWEVER, she has much less for humans. It’s extremely disturbing when people believe animals are more deserving than humans. Don’t get me wrong, I adore animals and have 4, but I also know that humans and animals are not equal.
My life. Well, theirs. I've also had panic attacks and histeria crisis (sorry if it's not the way to describe it). I am aware of my feelings, I always get them out, but I pay the price: silent treatment, gossiped about, if I do things, I´m evil, if I don't I'm evil as well. There is absolutely nothing I can do or not to not be evil for my parents. Never good enough.
Yes and both of mine are now dead...just imagine! Standing before God 😮😮 'do not provoke your children to anger' with Gaslighting I now say to NGC sister...'NO WAY'! That stops her..ha ha hee
You are 5000% dead on! My mother was the queen of gaslighting. I waited a whole year after I came out to tell my parents. Smart move. When I sat them down and told told, my mother's first words were, " How do you know you're gay?" We discussed it for a while. She tried to conclude the conversation with, "You're not gay. You're just confused." I started yelling at her that I was gay. After a year of being out, I knew you couldn't put the toothpaste back into the tube. She never accepted it.
Does anyone else feel like they are being reparented by Jerry when they watch his videos? He really soothes my Inner Child. Jerry, you’re amazing, truly, the work you are doing here. ❤ 🙏
Not to mention that a narcissistic mother will try to destroy her son's marriage for 40+ years and will eventually turn her son's daughter against his wife, who has been the scapegoat since marrying into this dystunctional family. It never ends.
Similar happening in my family. I'm the daughter. Both parents spoke I'll of my sister in law and it influenced me. I set a boundary but Mum cunning and began lunch with SIL and making sure I knew I was excluded and not welcome at family events. Specifically Christmas and a recent event told me I wasn't invited. Making out like SIL rejects me. Except I speak with bro and SIL on occasion so I know Mum lying. I've gone no contact but she is using bro as flying monkey. Awful. Not sure how she is with bro and SIL
It is mind boggling that you gather so much information about narcissistic parents and their hurt to their children which it was very hard for me even to spot them in my mind. I can't get rid of the feelings of not wanted, unvalidated. It turned into some sort of anxiety attacks. I feel like i do everything wrong and i will be punished. I project every thing my narcissistic mother caused to everyone else. Even walking on the streets i fear will be punished and doing the wrong thing, i will not be loved. It overwhelmingly hurts me deep inside.
Yes, exactly. Most people take their life's autonomy for granted. I have to fight for the right to own my life. Yes to everything you have said .. I sometimes feel so translucent energetically, that's how it is when you haven't been able to form a connection with sense of self. I have such difficulty with gaslighting, I wasn't sure if it's just because I have lost the ability to stand up for myself in those instances ... I live in a town of seemingly very narcissistic men who tend to think that they always have the right of way wherever they go?? One day I was walking through a parking lot and about you walk through a crosswalk when this guy actually turned short of his turn to what seemed to me like run his car into me... So I smacked the side of his car so that he would stop, and going only 5 mph, perfectly clear day, he rolls down his window and says without any emotion, "sorry I didn't see you" he couldn't even look me in the eye when he said it .. I couldn't even speak, I was so flustered because I knew he was lying , but at the same time was too overwhelmed and my voice shut down. I honestly don't know how he couldn't see me, he certainly didn't see the actual turn because I wasn't on the path of the roadway, I was about to cross the main entrance into the grocery store!! Anyways, I'm still angry about it obviously... That was such in your face gaslighting, it was gross. He wanted to dehumanize me, that's all. Typical narcissistic town
If anyone who went th rough this tapped while wathing your very helpful videos they would start the self healing process right then and then with your course and live help they would clearly get the other side most need and appreciate. You can all learn eft techniques for free and start utilizing your negatives for the positive. Sharing good stuff is caring, much love and thank you for being one of us, we spread love in many ways and the end goal is joy~
Thank you . The only problem i find with focusing on the family is the exclusion of other elements . Peers school teachers and other adults. In a lot of complex trauma there is a constellation of abuse
I had a narcisitic father and mother. They starved me, they hit me, destroyed me, did stuff you wont believe. they killed my dog for nothing. I grew ill because off them, i got this colitis/ilitis that stayed forever, and had cost me over time a my liver. I ran off as a teenager. No one helped me... I was piss poor. And i lived in the attic off an old shed, next to a grave yard. But i felt like the King, I was free. it was like a never ending relieve.
There is nobody to interpret your world. They don't talk to u or care how u feel...unless u feel bad and then .SCORE! They join your school bullies ..and u feel u have no solid ground to stand on....they isolate u....😢 dismissive, controlling...love is conditional..begrudge the food we ate...we all were very thin. Telling others how 'miserable' we are...telling us they did so...etc..GC sister said, I try SO hard 2 please him.' powerles.😮 GAD...I need this course
My mom told me about one time my dad mistreated me when I was a baby. I was about 3 years old, and something happened that scared me and I got angry and cried. She said my dad screamed in my face pulled my arm down to the ground and told me to “shut up!” I just screamed louder, so he really screamed so loudly that I went totally silent. My mom finally went to break us up and did tell him that was “way too harsh” (after the traumatic damage was already done to my brain). That was one of the answers for me that I could never find in my memory, and I still can’t. My dad is a narcissist and has always been very abusive. At least now I know so I can place things in my mind properly.
Depression, anxiety, and hypervigelience but NEVER anger! Sounds about right. The one way to trigger my narc parents and stepparents was to get angry. God forbid I actually get angry with them. 🙄
You nailed it Jerry 🔨My husband is entranced with his parents. It’s like a spell. I kid you not- I saw it with my own two eyes. It was the most bizarre thing i had ever seen. 🤯🤯🤯
My husband is TERRIFIED to confront his mom. His dad, who was a wonderful man, always told the children before he left for work "Don't upset your mother." He didn't see anything unusual about this. But, now that she has caused problems in our marriage for almost 40 years and turned our daughter against us 5 years ago, he has finally seen the light. Still, he is TERRIFIED to confront her, but at the same time defends her.
@@susanfeis592 that’s awful, I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this family drama. IDK how your Mother could get your daughter on her side and against you?? I’m in disbelief. The positive in this is that your Father has finally seen the real person of who your Mother is. That is a blessing, for sure. IDK if he will do anything at this point but he at least sees her “ugly” side. I wish you all the best Susan. I hope you’re daughter realizes she’s on the wrong side.🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻
@@susanfeis592 my narc father tried to turn my kids 27 and 22 against me with money. Keeping secrets about this behind my back. It all blew up over a year ago about a rather large monetary wedding gift followed with verbal abuse to my child. Last thing I said to my narc dad was he was not going to destroy my family like he destroyed his family. He is a sick, evil man. It has been hard healing but getting better every day.
Excellent video! Can you do a follow up on sibling rivalry with a narcissistic parent? Always found it debilitating but also pretty fascinating. My mother would divide and conquer. Encourage me my brother sister to snitch on each other compete for her affection lie to one about the other while simultaneously throw herself into fake tears swearing she just wanted us all to get along. I was the one who would call her out on it and tried to opt out of her games perhaps a scape goat but now happily no contact. The way me and my siblings turned out is very different from one another yet all fell into codependent relationships and sibling rivalry that never seemed to end until again I went NC
4:46 '...my life is not my own's.' These were the same words I blurted out when I was walking along with my mother on a Sunday afternoon when I was 6 or 7 yrs old. I only vaguely recalled feeling a bit sad thinking my family just consisted of two people as compared to my friends' whom I always saw had 2 or more siblings on my visits. My father passed away when I was barely 2 or 3 yrs old. These words just came out of the blue. My mother dismissed it as something I picked up from adult conversations. That was my initial inkling and among many other interactions convinced myself I could not approach my mother for explaining things in life without being made slighted or ridiculed. Needless to say, I developed the Avoidant style into adulthood making me ill at ease and difficult at intimacy.
I think my late father may have had narcissistic traits. Never occurred to me, but one day when I was having counselling it was suggested. I can relate to just about everything you have said.
I knew our parents, especially my mother, had a huge problem. Everything revolved around her and if she did not get her way, look out. I was in my 50‘s when I stumbled across info on the internet about npd and gaslighting, which I had never heard of. However it described my mothers behaviour exactly..she blatantly lied about stuff that happened. Voiceless, invisible, unheard……sadly our family unit ticks all the boxes. Lots of fallout. By high school I was having breathing issues from the stress, at the time thought I had a medical issue…thank you for your work on this, so helpful.
This is a devastating huge problem in this world... Today we can actually see by being on social media how many of us there really are who've experienced and been affected from this trauma...I know narcissistic personality disorder has been around longer than we have.But I don't understand though as devastating ,destructive and damaging as it is to a person and every part of their being, not just people we associate with, run into, It's families, inside a home, with no way out, no help , no advice, no one to hear you. Just take it what ever it may be, day after day year after year.....Why wasn't this made more of a big deal? Or a broader topic /discussion, made more available to reach so many thats unknowing like the other mental health diagnosis? Why are hundreds and thousands of people today just as myself (until 4yrs ago finally) almost clueless of what why and how about this ? Especially it moreso being inside our own house with narcissistic parents.
True i never felt like my life was mine. Even as a mother if i did something that my narcissist mom dad brother or sister didn't like they would call CPS on me my mom did it over a hundred times they told me at one point she was calling em multiple times a day with everything under the sun and when they came out nothing was wrong. My dad did it my first mothers day cause i told him i wouldn't do something
I wish I could find information on what being the child of a highly sensitive person and malignant narcissist is like and the problems it can create. My children turned on me, the HSP, when their father, the narcissist, discarded me and sued for divorce. He died. My children were 50 by that time but cut me off. It is so troubling that they never told me why they cut me off. I have not seen or heard from my adult daughters nor my grandchildren in years. It is just baffling and creates a constant state of grief for the deaths with no funeral.
Thank you so much for your hard work in bringing this sad situation into light. When your a child living with these types of people. You are a blessing to so many for helping build self confidence and strength to continue on in life with Jesus as our parent we will be ok. 🙏💝
I figured it out in my fifties but all my life I felt like the out downs and telling me how stupid I am is wrong. Apparently every single problem in the family is entirely my fault. Wow. Okay then. Must have caused my moms death from an aneurysm too ….. my father is and always has been an abusive cut throat ass. I can honestly say I hate him. I’ve gone no contact and I won’t even go to his funeral when he dies.
I’m sorry you’ve suffered so much. I hope you feel you’re in a better place in life now. Interesting that you figured it out in your 50s, I am a 52-year-old man and am figuring out that my father’s rage outbursts (terrifying to my younger sister and me) and periodic harsh criticism (he seemed to have dual personalities, I now realize, could offer high praise and encouragement at times, could be jovial, funny, and charming, at other times could terrify us with rage-the look in his eyes, the way he pursed his mouth-and unsettle us and render us ill-at-ease with his frequent tone of irritation and impatience) were more harmful that I previously believed. Since college, I’ve struggled a lot in life (growing up, fairly high academic achievement masked my many issues, even from myself), especially my very low self-esteem and my high fear level.
Thank you Jerry. What you are doing for a whole lot of people is very valuable. Your content in particular has been a big help to me. I've learned to self-differentiate and it has really helped me to take back some control. I understand narcissistic traits quite well now, and it prepares me every day for what I encounter as I am subjected to a carer role for the parent with narcissistic traits, and the half-siblings who show many of the same traits. I also understand that I was raised by a covert/vulnerable narcissist and how it has affected me and my life and determined so much for me up to now (I am sixty). You are well-ahead of the curve in terms of the help available from the health service in my country, and I will happily sign up to your core course of learning as soon as I'm in a position to do that. Thank you once again. You deserve many thanks.
Wow. You truly have excellent insight. And it isn't just one or two here and there, but quite a number of great insights picking up on whats actually going on beneath the surface symptoms. Quite illuminating - Puts pieces together that otherwise wouldn't have been put in for me, and i read a fair bit on this subject. Really helpful. Thank you! ...and gosh, i tick so many of the boxes listed here! Have to almost stop the video so that the fluttering sensation in my chest subsides.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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Great video, Many Blessings to you ! 💛🙏& Thank you
I'm taking the class.
You spend all your time trying get them to love you; making yourself small- so you don’t upset them, because they already curse at you, yell at you & call you insulting names. You often don’t have a self esteem because they never taught you to love yourself, so you never have the self esteem to go against them
Bullseye
I have very low self-esteem. My father’s rage outbursts terrified me as a boy.
Agreed💯
This
❤yes❤
I was shamed, not valued, not nurtured, heavily criticized, & manipulated by my "victimized" narcissist mother. She missed out on realizing and enjoying her great kid-ME!
Same with my mother..took me 27years to see through it. And now I'll doend god knows how long undoing her damage
Very well said 🥺🥺🥺 sometimes I wish I could go back in time and see myself as a kid - and save her 😭
My mother too, she wouldn't know a good thing if it hit her in the face. She literally is blind and has no idea what she had in a family or what she could have learned or anything. Ironically we have disabilities in my family with children having autism and other comorbidities and yet we can see more clearly than she can, my son is severely disabled and in a wheelchair and he has more idea than she does. It just goes to prove, some people never get it.
Same here.
I’m very sorry you suffered that as a girl.
Childhood with NPD Parents : What childhood? ....😐
Anyone else glad when your 'childhood' was finally over? Many Blessings of healing to everyone here🙏
It’s never over as you age a memory will body slam you and you feel like that sad unloved and lonely scared little self all over again.
no one believed a RELATIVE / s@x - assaulted me__ i was not believed: then Scapegoated.
@@carolnahigian9518 that’s the way they triangulate they get their power from taking away the scapegoats power. Just like a succubus they try to take your soul. They love it when bad happens I always remember my moms smirk when she seen my pain.
@@Mudpie68 My mom gets so tickled with herself when she is successful in her manipulations. Her smile is so creepy. She looks mad and hungry. Just her normal smile in family pics. Now she can't maipulate me and she has gone low contact because I am toxic. Muhahaha!
@@EricaEricaBoberica oh my yes mine would grit her teeth while tickling me past the point of me not even being able to beg her to stop anymore because I couldn’t breathe as she held me down unmercifully and through gritted teeth asking me “what’s wrong you want me to stop?” Talking through her teeth like a serpent holding back her forked flickering tongue. And I’ll never forget her eyes they would change when she was doing these things like she couldn’t contain her evil it was leaking out of her clenched teeth. Still makes me frightened. And anxious.
Just when I think there cannot be any more insight on the trauma that I have experienced and endured since childhood as a result of being raised by a narcissistic parent, Jerry drops another bomb video giving me more clarity on the most insidious and horrific of all abuses Narcissistic abuse! A million thanks to you Jerry.
This made me feel normal...I felt like an idiot feeling unloved by my own parents. They are narcissistic for a fact. I pity them but I know it's not normal and I will have pure love and support for my children. It's an evil spirt out there. I hope we all meet good spirits only.
Jerry lays it out in a way that cuts through the circular narcissistic residue of the memories. When I watch him, I can see what happened and how I tried to cope and how I struggle in a clear way without everything getting gaslighty and hard to hold focus on like it usually does. ❤ much gratitude, Jerry
It's like the most giant rotten onion I must peel layer after rotted layer trying to find the safe healthy center that I KNOW is in their.... Lol
You feel virtually powerless.
Your life is not your own.
You feel voiceless, invisible, unheard.
You are unable to identify your feelings but you are emotional.
Highly triggered, anxious but you will hide it.
Learn not to care even in crazy situations.
Loyal to people when it is not reciprocated or deserved.
You feel depressed or anxious rather than angry (anger turned inwards)
You experience hypervigilance but don't know why
You may be successful but not happy
Authority figures will cause difficulty because you will project your experience with your parents onto the authority figure
You don't know how to deal with gaslighting or distortion, it triggers self-doubt.
Thank you! 💯 for me 🙃
It showed up later in life with severe health problems.
You described my life at 38. I have minimal contact with my mother. She’s a malignant narc.
Wow!!! WELL SAID !!!!
no contact. no contact.
54 years old and I JUST FOUND OUT after years of working on me! I am actually a kind and funny and honest person. My mother is a narcissist.
Low self esteem is the biggest symptom
At age 52, my self-esteem is very low, sadly. Grew up with a father prone to terrifying (so they felt to me) rage outbursts and what could be cutting criticism. Sometimes he’d praise me and my sister highly, but at other times terrify us with his rage, or hurt us with cutting criticism and with his frequent tone of irritation and impatience.
Wait what? You recieved praise?? What's that like?
Not feeling good enough. Ever!
At 55 I don't know what I want. Literally for 44 years it was keeping the narc psycho father from blowing up on the daily.
I was responsible for keeping everyone safe. Now that I don't have anyone to protect, I'm absolutely lost.
You have yourself to protect!! That’s number one. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do? Anything that lights up your eyes?
I pray things are better for you now in Jesus' name.
I feel similarly, male age 52. My father had periodic explosive and unpredictable anger that terrified me. Cutting criticism at times also. Worst in my middle school years. Since I can remember I’ve been highly fearful. Until recently, I attributed that fear to my natural temperament (my mother is reserved), but now I wonder, having learned more about narcissism and verbal abuse, if it was exacerbated or caused by my father’s treatment of me.
Dad treats me, I"m 60, the same way, he is a miserable and impossible to deal with, so I don't, for my own protection.
When you're a kid whatever you're experiencing is just how the world is. You don't question it. What your parents say is important is the only thing that is. In the days of 1 TV and no Internet living in the country as an only child there's no dissenting voice.
Absolutely @jerry. When I finally went to therapy & began to unravel what happened in our home as I grew up, it was only THEN that I realized that life in our house was largely "upside down" & thus very unhealthy & damaging. But as a kid, it was like you said ... "just life" & the only 'normal' my brother & I knew. The kid(s) can't always perceive that things are fairly off... or, WAY OFF. All those years go by in a child - teen's life & THEN sadly, he or she often has to spend time in therapy, + also work a continual recovery, survival-self-protection, & re-learning program for the rest of his or her life as a result of the damage done in childhood. I'm very grateful to have found my way to therapy, but it's still sad when one learns & sees "what might have been" if they had had healthy parents. It seems that was, & STILL IS very, rare in this broken world. I'm very thankful for the professionals on YT endeavoring to help people figure out what actually happened, & then work on healing.
I can't remember much of my childhood. When I do access a memory, it's most often one that's negative. That says a lot. On the rare occasion that I hear someone say "Oh I had a great childhood," I am always in utter awe & amazement that a happy childhood could actually happen.
It’s my opinion that the narcissistic parent has an intense hatred for the same sex child, and sees the child as 100% their competition. And a competitor is someone we try to destroy. There are no boundaries or empathy for your problems growing up. Because the narcissist parent truly does not care.
Not at all. The narcissistic parent hates all of their kids, male or female
My mother hated me openly as long as she lived. The way she looked at me. I was the only girl, maybe it was because I became a true Christian at age 12, because it got worse as life went on.
@@karlabritfeld7104 They sure do. The only thing that differs is how that hate manifests in their behavior toward that child.
Wow.
These creatures should not be allowed to procreate. Horrible.
My mother used to "play the tiny violin" when I was a child and seeking solution or support or having a hard time. She did it to all of us and hummed a little tune and played the invisible violin on her fingers.
Mocking her children if they had a problem or complaint or concern.
She also frequently reminded us that "well...life sucks and then you die"....
Never was very good at offering comfort or helping her children work through sibling miscommunications and debates.
She also reminded me often that if we don't have expectations of people then we can't be disappointed.
She also found joy in doing things like playing this odd game of "podittle" while driving. If we passed by a car that was missing a light... She would say "podittle" and punch us in the arm with a fist (and made sure to jut her middle knuckle out to have the most painful impact).... But it was done under the guise of a funny game to play while driving (like "I spy" but with punching and bruises)
She was also horrible about her role as a grandmother. Constantly undermined me, alienated my first child and was drinking way too much.
Narcissistic? The pros thought so. But my entire family is enmeshed.
I cut contact years ago.
When I have told my therapists these stories.... They usually show pity and empathy and are disturbed that my mother did things like that.
It was normalized for me and many people have NO idea why I decided to become estranged from the family of origin. My siblings enabled and couldn't face it. My older sister outright told me she did not have the emotional capacity to face the estrangement with me even though she was just as traumatized by her upbringing than I was.
I feel alone in my estrangement.
Many people don't have the ability to wrap their minds around it. I learned the hard way not to rely on anyone or expect anyone to truly "get it". Even the person I'd considered my closest friend...that claims to understand and wants to be supportive .. doesn't *truly* get it and offers suggestions or advice that suggests I should forgive.
What they don't realize is just how much I have forgiven... or was exposed to, or had to protect my children from...And what I had to process through in order to not be bitter or angry in this life.
I have forgiven. That doesn't mean I have a relationship again though. It's called self respect and boundaries.
That’s similar to my childhood. I have six siblings and was the scapegoat kid. I’m the 4th of seven kids- dead center. My husband and I went to live in Germany for six years and my very enmeshed family ‘s wheels began to fall off. The scapegoat kid (me) had physically left and now there was a lack of scapegoat and perceived abandonment. My very narcissistic brother told me, “He’s taking you away from the family” when I got married and then repeated the same thing when we were preparing to move overseas.
My mother died a year after we were living in Germany. I began a journey of healing and I began to dig into the possible reasons my mother was so narcissistic.
She grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and a very depressed and anxious mother. My grandfather was cruel in his dealing with his wife and children and may have been sexually abusive towards my mother (based on some very peculiar stories she related). I’m a retired police officer, so understanding the warning signs of potential sexual abuse was a part of my training. My mother was abusive emotionally with all of us, but very physically abusive with the youngest two. She used to tell us, “I hit you because I love you,”.
The youngest of my siblings once yelled at her as a four year old as she was spanking him, “I hate you because I love you.” Imagine that. He felt the natural need to love her, but her abuse clouded that need.
My mother ruled with an iron fist when we were kids. She told us all sorts of stories, insisting she saw “the devil” one sunny day when she was a kid. She began to relate stories (in our teens) that the house was haunted by a tribe of Indians. She said she heard footsteps in the house while we were in school, said she saw shadows and heard voices and claimed she saw UFOs. She claimed she had telekinesis- the ability to move objects with her mind. As we grew the stories became more imaginative until we were old enough to move away.
At that point she began to triangulate against boyfriends, girlfriend, fiancés and in laws. She tried her best to drive them away.
Today my siblings don’t talk to me. I wrote notes to each of my six (per Jerry’s advice). I explained my intention not to participate in triangular communication but to remain open to truthful conversation. No one responded to my letters.
As my study of psychology continues, I find comfort in understanding what dynamics are occurring. While it’s unfortunate I don’t have a relationship with my siblings, I understand they must do their own work to heal themselves. I can ‘live with’ the fact that they choose not to face the neglectful and abusive childhood we lived. It doesn’t upset me, but rather reaffirms my own commitment to myself in healing.
Your story is very similar to mine and I wish all the best to you. Sometimes there’s only one person in a big family who ‘gets it’ and you are the one. Never see that as an indication that you’re the problem. You’re the one who has thus far seen the truth.
Your situation is very similar to mine. It is very hard to find common ground with others when raised this way. I'm 59 and it is still a struggle. I am grateful for my grandparents who took over raising me between 4-8 otherwise is unimaginable. I would have been eaten up by now. I agree, to have gotten this far, forgiveness is baked in. There is NO way to get this far without it. However, outside the narcist bubble looking in, you appear to the world as the ungrateful, uncaring, mean spirited person. It is a hard path that we are on. Knowing my narcistic parents via YEARS of them talking about themselves and observing them, it's painful to KNOW how they are portraying me to family and friends. KNOW that you are STRONG to be capable of how you conduct your life. I feel like every step I take in self respect and boundaries is a small but silent victory （＾∀＾●）ﾉｼ
@@smartasafox3714 agreed. It’s difficult when the very people who abuse you are family. I’m about your age and have been on my own healing path since 2016. That’s when my mother died and I sought out answers. As for myself, it doesn’t bother me if they malign me. I don’t rotate in their circles- either psychically or spiritually. I won’t risk my eternity to be so petty.
Stay the course and fight the good fight as Paul said.
@@junepeyer1200 thank you so much for the kind words of validation and understanding.
I felt compelled to comment here because Jerry has been inspirational to my healing process and journey of self enlightenment.
My mother also had a strange childhood but much of the history of her experiences were never disclosed.
My father also was a functional alcoholic with a complicated family of origin.
I was the first to point to the dysfunctional pattern and the first to break free and the first to go to therapy.
I'm slowly working my way towards true peace and acceptance.
I wish you didn't relate to my experience... But I truly appreciate you sharing with me and the understanding you have offered. Cheers to you. 🤍
@@lilaworley8935 I suppose the silver lining of it is that because we had those similarities, we can also heal in similar ways. 😊 I was the first to go to therapy too! At the tender age of like 8 (well- 2nd grade). My mother used to say I wasn’t learning as fast as the other siblings and having a lisp (which I do to this day and is suspected to be a sign of trauma from my childhood) I went to the school psychologist. How’s that for an ‘identified patient’? !!!
Turns out I spilled the beans during my few meeting with the school psych and my mother was mad. She told me I shouldn’t have told the school psychologist…. Blamed me for telling the truth….well-- i do to this day and i don’t care who dislikes the truth.
I spent decades bashing my head against the brick wall of a grandiose narc parent who treated me as the scapegoat in the family. It's just been in the last five years that I have actively educated myself on the subject. Initially it was devastating to understand the damage done, how the abuse bled down through the years and infected so many aspect of life. This late in the day, I have come to accept that the whole experience has been one of my main lessons in this life and I have committed myself to understand it all completely.
Do you have siblings? I used to think it was only me that my narcissistic mother emotionally abused and neglected. Nope, it was all Four children.
@@karlabritfeld7104 Two other siblings - but she used their names and catered to their needs. My role included being a servant to one brother who never had to lift a finger.
My schooling was average, creative, only one to pass exams: “You’re just too big for your boots!” The other two dropped out. No achievement was ever good enough.
We three have all had/have addictions. The ‘family’ is a study in dysfunction, no drugs or alcohol used by parents. Two siblings never married, one divorced. She was no mother and belittled/excluded me wherever she possibly could. People don’t believe it: “But you’ve turned out well.” No I didn’t. It just looks that way, painted house broken foundations - just like it was modelled to us.
The turmoil has been this life’s education and I’ve accepted that. Siblings still lost in the dust.
@@karlabritfeld7104 My sister - while abused - was the Golden child and she turned into a mini-mom. She's as nasty and miserable but refuses to grasp her unacceptable behavior and that it's a result of the abuse she endured. She'd rather stay in the FOG and keep believing Scapegoat me is why our whole family was/is unhappy.
Growing up in a home with a narcissistic parent gets worse as the children get older; because they begin to stop idolizing the other parent and want to start to separate and the aging narc parent will have no part of it. As a result the rage fits and crazy making begins to escalate and many people describe it as feeling like they are locked in a cage or being suffocated.
This is when children begin to get depressed, angry, anxious, self harm, self sabotage, develop eating disorders because the narc parent body shames and has zero boundaries. This is also when the NP begins to alienate the children from the other parent and each other, guilts, shames, tracks, invades their privacy, gaslights, installs cameras, monitor cell phones due to paranoia and the narcissistic stare worsens. Often the golden child and scapegoat become interchangeable based on the level of supply they are offering.
For any parent that recognizes any of these signs the sooner you develop an exit plan and leave the better chance your children have to lead normal healthier and happier lives.💛
When choosing a therapist it is crucial that you find one that understands narcissism or else they can cause more harm then good.💛
Jerry thank you for your continued education because the more the other parent can become educated early on the more they can educate their children and provide them with the tools needed to keep themselves safe moving forward.💛
Your series the key to overcoming narcissistic family rules helped me tremendously along my healing path and I would recommend that everyone that resonates with any of these signs in this video check that series out online as well.💛
It’s definitely spiritual abuse; those idiots can easily trigger hatred and resentment.
That’s horrible for somebody’s spirit😡😡
true:::!!!
Can sum it up in a sentence. It's like being micromanaged by a malicious idiot and being abandoned at the same time.
🤣
"micromanaged by a malicious idiot" Absolutely perfect.
I didn't know what the name "narcissist" meant until this year, but I figured out how things worked with my parents 30 years ago. I learned the work arounds and the truths that I needed. (I can even remember saying, "well that's not how I remember it." But one of the nice side effects of learning that my childhood was dominated by two narcissistic parents is that the issues I have struggled with are normal given my childhood. Validation is healing. Also knowing the name of things like trama bonding help me not to be confused by my own reactions. I am still hypervigilant (I used to call myself paranoid but now I know the difference). I have also notice I rarely get angry anymore because I can connect what I see and feel with a knowledge of narcissistic behavior and abuse response. Knowledge is a beautiful thing when you can use it to heal.
Once again spot on Jerry. 61 and still trying to sort this absolute mess out. What a waste
67 and yes...all distortion and revenge....confusion...
I grew up with narcissistic parents but my mom is the worst. My dad wasn't that bad. My dad is no longer here but my mom is and I finally just cut complete ties. At 52 she is still treating me terrible. I am the scapegoat and she has NEVER treated me ok. She is controlling, manipulative, and if I don't go with what she wants, she is sure to punish me. I am on a start to healing and I will be ok. I will NEVER go back or have contact again. My mom sabotaged every attempt I have done to be successful, which has made it so difficult to do anything. She is smothering, humiliates me in front of people, has never said anything positive about me except shockingly once, she beat me down as a child so badly that I missed out on many opportunities. My patents were divorced and my dad was a alcoholic. I was stuck raising my siblings, and she would play mental games with me as a teenager, throwing me in jail for things she lied about. It wasn't as bad as I am sure others but it was bad and I tried to commit suicide when I was 12. I am sorry any child or adult has to go through this.
thats my stepmon...my mother died when i was a baby
❤🩹
They are all authority. I was trained to submit. I see them everywhere, even after no contact. It gets better slowly. 🐌
Prison. One warden and one guard. At first, I thought the guard was the warden and the warden the guard. I found out later it was actually the opposite. The narc had us all convinced she was the victim in all things, and dad was the bad guy. She destroyed the family. She did not destroy me. I resolved at age 4 that she would not. She tried to murder me a few times. Didn't work! She's 100 now... still abuses the family that chooses to stick around.
I'm 3000+ miles away from all that. 😅
Same. Same. 😢😢😢
Growing up i knew my family was extremely toxic but I didn't know about mental illness or personality disorders and because of my lack of knowledge I stayed longer than I should have with my toxic family.
If i would have known what i know now i would have demanded cps to take me away from the abuse.
All i can do now is deal with the ptsd and trauma.
I have went no contact with my family and it's the best thing I have ever done for myself.
My family will never change and im not going to waste any of my precious time trying to get them to change or see my point of view.
My heart goes out to any people who has been abused by a narcissist or toxic parent.
Remember that parents and any family members are supposed to love you and protect you and respect you and act empathetic towards you and never judge you or be critical in a unless manner that is no help to you, like name calling or attacking your appearance.
My nan and grandad attacked My appearance a few times, but I'm not sure what to think of it, once I let my beard and hair grow, they were saying I looked homeless, not the first time they insulted how I look, not sure if that even counts as narcissism?
So on point . We were expected to put on the 'happy family' performance for everyone and god help us if we didn't do it well enough . Being my mother's scapegoat I was told that I didn't have 'the right' to be angry or have any emotional displays of any kind . I have experienced depression since a young child - raged at and threatened almost daily with extreme violence . My throat muscles were so tight that it was painful to swallow for years . During those years I was so unhappy , confused but had no clue what was going on with these angry violent , lying people . My few friends never talked of anything similar going on at their homes and I never witnessed such behaviour in others' homes . After marrying , my horrible acting MIL displayed pretty much the same traits as my father even to the point of saying the exact same things despite being raised hundreds of miles from where he grew up . That really piqued my interest . Through study and investigation I learned I was dealing with overt narcissists. - I was 25 then . It was some years again before I figured out my covert narc mother - another sneaky , lying , violent , two faced kettle of fish there . Children should NOT have to grow up with these monstrous acting people .
No Pavla you are 💯correct they should not.💛 God bless🙏 By taking time to heal your own childhood wounds you will be helping to break the cycle and in return your healing will help future generations as well.💛🙏💪✨🕊️
I hope you've gotten therapy. These issues don't just go away. ❤
Growing up with a narc mother was an unmitigated nightmare. I was falsely accused of sins I never committed then humiliated for not accepting guilt for the things I never did. My mother did this a lot. She would know something important was going to happen then take it away from me or deny access to it deliberately. This happen many, many times. She was a hateful, mentally deranged person filled with rage who never got any mental health treatment.
I discovered my mother was evil reptile when I hit 40 and financially devastated, that was my lowest point when I was discarded and my name smeared.. because reptiles never get off their phones, gossiping.... no family, no friends... lonely af, but I've been this way all my life, so I got used to it. Yes, growing up was exactly like Mr. Wise described in this video.
I’m sorry you’ve suffered so much. I hope you find healing and that life improves for you.
I am 47. I went no contact 7 years ago. It was a few months before my 40th. That was a birthday present to myself. I was a truly broken soul when I had enough
I'm 51. I went no contact in 1994. Feels good. 😎
I was 60 when I realized I was badly raked over by narc parents. yes, I wish I found out at least 10 years ago or 30 years ago . But yeah, you pegged my life to a T
Yep, just realising this more so now I'm in my 50's....i wasn't allowed to be me...i didn't have a voice. I know my parents are old fashioned but i wasn't allowed to grow...not allowed to show any feelings etc etc etc.... so much to it...
Right before I turned 60 I figured out our narcissistic mother….I’m buckled up for the wild ride, just went NC. She’s still going strong at almost 90 yrs old!
I hear you. Mine is 88 and her carefully maintained exterior and self congratulation about it hides a twisted mess inside. But you can't tell them that, of course. They know absolutely everything - particularly about those things they will never have the courage to truly look at. I tolerate her monologues - er, phone calls - every couple of months. Haven't phoned her for the best part of ten years.
@@wayneelliott1180 We have to be siblings!
What a relief to go no contact, right?
@@karlabritfeld7104 I won’t feel safe until she’s six feet under…that is the God’s honest truth!
It appears so!!!
My husband is 65 and up until 2 months ago, he refused to acknowledge his narc family, his malignant step father, his enabler mom, his golden child sister, his lost child sister, and his mascot sister. The entire dysfunctional family, he was, by the way the scapegoat. Abused emotionally and physically. He is still relates to his abuser.
I just recently have realized my parents, especially my mom, was narcissistic and I'm in my 50s. Yes, smothering, tyraranical, controlling, critical, but not much love bombing, nor any love and comfort.
No, Independence was not allowed, unless you count keeping quiet and out of the way, but not out of sight. Yes, hiding much anxiety in life. I never panicked in emergencies, but did not associate that trait with narcissistic abuse. Yes, hypervigilant, but have been called paranoid by significant others in my life. Sad that only this late in life I am gaining so much insight. I am so thankful for these videos.
I’m a 52-year-old man and am only learning a lot of this now as well.
I can relate to every word of that. And of oxurse growing up, since we didn't have access to these tools, we felt like it was all just us, we were wrong, or something was wrong with us. It sometimes felt like going crazy. Having to shut down to survive. Oy. It was bad. Often we don't know how bad until someone truly good enters our life and reflects thya back to us.
Personally, I found yoga, hypnotherapy and breathwork to be so helpful. Once I realized what had happened to me, those techniques began to help me heal the wounds, release the trauma and be kmy true self.
Jerry, I can’t thank you enough for acknowledging the negative outcomes for children who grow into adults, who had no choice in selecting their parents, and are therefore raised by narcissistic parents who don’t have a clue, they are narcs!
Once I realized who they were, I did my best to understand what they probably endured as children w their parents (my grand parents). It’s a sad story all the way around if you as me.
Hearing the truth w our ears and seeing you speak truth, is very VERY healing indeed. Thanks again for helping us🦋🌸🌼⭐️
Some of them were too spoiled and they turned into rotten adults. My wicked “mother “ is an example of that. I can’t feel sorry for someone as deliberately cruel as her and the one who dared to call himself my “father “. He was a malignant narcissist and enjoyed my pain.
Lightbearer it is a sad story all around; which is often keeps us stuck in these toxic relationships longer then we should. Oftentimes recognizing and accepting that they are not capable of change, but that we are is the first step needed to move forward along our own healing paths.💛 God bless 🙏💪🕊️✨
@@Goldenheart2911 you are absolutely correct! Life is too short to think there is hope for our parents, and other narc family members. While I’ve moved on, in the tiny backdrop of my mind, I want to believe I can help them and they can be healed. Then I realize they are only mirroring fake behaviors. It’s kinda of sad they can’t be helped. Thanks again for your kind and supportive words. Best wishes🌼🍀☺️
@@Albacore877 You’re so welcome. I did not grow up with a Narcissistic parent, but my children did, and I now understand that I grew up as a member of a narcissistic/ codependent generational system that kept on repeating itself from one generation to the next.
I pray that by finally recognizing and accepting that I could not save the Nex from himself or anyone else and removing my children from the toxicity and undergoing my own codependency healing that the cycle will end with me. Only time will tell.💛 I’m sorry that you had to endure growing up with a Narc parent. It is definitely not anything anyone wants, deserves or desires. My prayer is that through your own education, awakening and awareness you can move forward and live a much healthier and happier life.🙏💪🕊️✨
Jerry is amazing and his work has helped me tremendously along my healing path and I’m sure his teachings will do the same for you as well. 💛 God bless🙏
My CRAZY MAW was a SPOILED BRAT...
NO ABUSE....
SADLY my father who was loving HAD BEEN THE INDENTURED SERVANT IF COLD BRUTAL GREEDY PARENTS WHO USED HIM AND HIS BABY BROTHER AS UNPAID PLUMBERS AND ELECTRICIANS IN THEIR LARGE PLUMBING BUSINESS....
My narcissistic father must be the reason why so many women have told me, “I don’t feel a connection with you” and “I want to get to know the real you” 😔
Omg spot on! I never knew until my 50's!! Healing now but it's still a struggle.
I also was in my 50s. Why no contact with my narcissist mother and it was the most freeing moment ever.
I pray that things are better for you. I pray your strength in the Lord in Jesus' name. AMEN.
At age 52 I too am becoming aware of the significance of my father’s verbal abuse (rage outbursts that terrified me and my younger sister, cutting criticism at times, an irritated, impatient tone of voice so often) on my sense of self and my life’s course. He definitely has narcissistic tendencies, I’ve recently learned.
He is speaking from my heart I grew up like this and never learned how to recognice what narcissision is all about only in lot later years of my life. to late now to change this but I can live with it. For better or worse or what ever comes.
I'm 65, and just learning I suffer with C PTSD... from living 27 years with my narcissistic husband. I never knew what my 2 children and I lived through.
Most people don't even know what a narcissist is and your correct about not coming to that realization until your older, that's what just happened to me. It ruined my life. Of course the narcissistic world we live in holds me responsible.
I pray that things are better for you. I pray that you choose peace, joy, and healing for you in Jesus' name. You deserve it. You can't help what you grew up in, but you can choose to get and be better for you. You honestly owe that to yourself.
Also, we did not have the interweb back when many of us were growing uo, so we did not have an easy way to find out.
This is so validating. Thank you. I'm 36 and waking up to this.
Check out the spiritual side of this to, I want to add.
Some are litteral satanists in disguise.
Im 36 to now, it took too long to realize. A lot in my life has been severely damaged.
me too...im glad i found this channel
I knew something was odd since I was a small child.
But I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong.
I didn't understand why I couldn't be myself (still can't) in front of them.
I was humiliated and beaten all the time.
The didn't allow me to be myself.
They loved me for a while and hated me afterwards.
They were never completely happy, always wanted more.
I looked around and saw different families. I could talk to my friends' mums and be myself.
And I was completely powerless.
It was never ending fight/flight/freeze (in my case freeze most of the time).
I was depressed all my life.
And now I feel very angry.
I can't wait to be alone.
There will be a chance to start building my life at last.
You might want to check out some coaching or benefit from this program
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
This list perfectly describes my life experience
it took me years to learn my mother was a narcissist, I thought of her as a dr Jekyll and Hyde. When you are 50 or 60 when you find out your parent is a narcissist I feel this is way too late as too much damage has been done, and you will find it more difficult to go no contact.
It's never too late.
And in the meanwhile you can continue to learn and process this information, and try things like breathwork, yoga, hypnotherapy, etc to work on releasing trauma from the body and clearing those subconscious patterns.
As a person who is 62 we should also consider the fact that the internet has made it extremely easy to find such relevant information to things that were not available as we were growing up. The stuff that be the doctor's or not, adults would never tell us but I should also add that I instinctively knew this and bet that most of us did when we were growing up,
But because my parents were more subtle about it, I doubted it for years.
Hypnotic. So true. Thank you so much!!?🤗
Thank you Jerry for sharing your wisdom and experience w us🙏🏼💕. Your voice on these issues is so helpful. I was 60 when I googled “ why does a parent pit her children against one another”? And narcissism is the first thing that came up. I suffered anxiety my entire life and decided to get therapy and it changed my life. Thank you for sharing you knowledge on TH-cam.
My "father" is a narcissist. The mother and brother know it but still stand up for him eventually. Its a mess. Good riddance to them all
Absolutely…, If I was aware about narc mothers behaviour even though I was feeling not right I wouldn’t end up with life long pain and suffering 😢😢😢
Every single one of these traits appiies. And fortunately I can say I have been able to change all of them to some extent at least. I can sometimes be genuinely happy about successes. I can allow myself to feel other emotions than depression, the only "emotion" permissible with my parents. I can deal differently with gaslighting. I can sometimes relax around people and sometimes feel the world is a lot nicer than I had been brought up to believe. I still have a very hard time with authority figures. I'm crying right now. This video was so on point.
You are such a gift, Jerry. I would not be where I am on my healing journey without you. I am not where I want to be yet, but videos like this keeps getting me closer. ❤
Good example Jerry! I live in Los Angeles, so I'm probably one of those that doesn't "see" the crazy things people do. Another example of this was about a month ago a guy with a gun came into a fast food restaurant attempting to rob it. The people eating there were unfazed, he even screamed and waved his gun at the cashiers, but they ignored him too. In the end, he gave up and left.
That was a salon, but the video was funny, no one cared and he just left, lol.
What's this got to do with Los Angeles and narcissists???
Just ignore them and they go away.
Just found your channel and this is some of the best, if not best that I have come across, explanations on what’s it like to grow up with narcissistic parent(s) and the scars that it leaves on their kids. So here I am, at 60 years old and finally realizing how much time I wasted on caring so much about what my mother thinks etc,.. and realized that she is not thinking of me. She is constantly thinking about how everything affects her and doesn’t have the ability to “relate” to people, or “empathize” at all. It doesn’t matter what she thinks regarding anything in my life, because she doesn’t understand me, or my life. She will never be able to give me a “fair” assessment on anything. It’s clouded by her inability to see and feel from another person’s perspective. I think the kids who are the most sensitive in such an environment with narcissistic parents, suffer the most. Sure, all siblings are affected, but it’s different. The sensitive person, I believe, has more self-awareness regarding their feelings and actions, and so suffer more from their warped view of themselves. The other siblings end up acting similar to the narcissistic parent and don’t even see any connection. I have this in my own family. I moved where my sister is and the more I have gotten to know her, I realize that she is extremely similar to my own mother. I used to care so much about that relationship, to the extreme really, and it turns out, she is just as clueless and as self-centered as our mother. I didn’t see it before as much because I hadn’t spent that much time with her. She appears to people to be empathetic because she has this affinity for animals in the extreme, HOWEVER, she has much less for humans. It’s extremely disturbing when people believe animals are more deserving than humans. Don’t get me wrong, I adore animals and have 4, but I also know that humans and animals are not equal.
My life. Well, theirs.
I've also had panic attacks and histeria crisis (sorry if it's not the way to describe it).
I am aware of my feelings, I always get them out, but I pay the price: silent treatment, gossiped about, if I do things, I´m evil, if I don't I'm evil as well. There is absolutely nothing I can do or not to not be evil for my parents. Never good enough.
I’m sorry you’ve suffered so much. I hope you find healing.
I feel the Lord started revealing this to me in my late 30's. But I wasn't sure what was going on then exactly.
Yes and both of mine are now dead...just imagine! Standing before God 😮😮 'do not provoke your children to anger' with Gaslighting I now say to NGC sister...'NO WAY'! That stops her..ha ha hee
'I never said ..'..and I simply state...'NO...WAY..'..she says..'what'? And I know. I've won that interaction.
Anyway..I'm coming ..I'm on me way
You are 5000% dead on! My mother was the queen of gaslighting. I waited a whole year after I came out to tell my parents. Smart move. When I sat them down and told told, my mother's first words were, " How do you know you're gay?"
We discussed it for a while. She tried to conclude the conversation with, "You're not gay. You're just confused."
I started yelling at her that I was gay.
After a year of being out, I knew you couldn't put the toothpaste back into the tube.
She never accepted it.
Realised in my 40s. Suspected it to be so in my 30s
Same here.
Does anyone else feel like they are being reparented by Jerry when they watch his videos? He really soothes my Inner Child. Jerry, you’re amazing, truly, the work you are doing here. ❤ 🙏
I appreciate the way you calmly, thoroughly explain things
Not to mention that a narcissistic mother will try to destroy her son's marriage for 40+ years and will eventually turn her son's daughter against his wife, who has been the scapegoat since marrying into this dystunctional family. It never ends.
Similar happening in my family. I'm the daughter. Both parents spoke I'll of my sister in law and it influenced me. I set a boundary but Mum cunning and began lunch with SIL and making sure I knew I was excluded and not welcome at family events. Specifically Christmas and a recent event told me I wasn't invited. Making out like SIL rejects me. Except I speak with bro and SIL on occasion so I know Mum lying. I've gone no contact but she is using bro as flying monkey. Awful. Not sure how she is with bro and SIL
It is mind boggling that you gather so much information about narcissistic parents and their hurt to their children which it was very hard for me even to spot them in my mind. I can't get rid of the feelings of not wanted, unvalidated. It turned into some sort of anxiety attacks. I feel like i do everything wrong and i will be punished. I project every thing my narcissistic mother caused to everyone else. Even walking on the streets i fear will be punished and doing the wrong thing, i will not be loved. It overwhelmingly hurts me deep inside.
AWESOME INFORMATION, APPRECIATES. ONE WISH IS TO STOP GENERATIONAL SUFFERING OF INNOCENT LIVING HUMANS as well as their gorgeous pets. 🌎👭🌏
Yes, exactly. Most people take their life's autonomy for granted. I have to fight for the right to own my life. Yes to everything you have said .. I sometimes feel so translucent energetically, that's how it is when you haven't been able to form a connection with sense of self. I have such difficulty with gaslighting, I wasn't sure if it's just because I have lost the ability to stand up for myself in those instances ...
I live in a town of seemingly very narcissistic men who tend to think that they always have the right of way wherever they go?? One day I was walking through a parking lot and about you walk through a crosswalk when this guy actually turned short of his turn to what seemed to me like run his car into me... So I smacked the side of his car so that he would stop, and going only 5 mph, perfectly clear day, he rolls down his window and says without any emotion, "sorry I didn't see you" he couldn't even look me in the eye when he said it .. I couldn't even speak, I was so flustered because I knew he was lying , but at the same time was too overwhelmed and my voice shut down.
I honestly don't know how he couldn't see me, he certainly didn't see the actual turn because I wasn't on the path of the roadway, I was about to cross the main entrance into the grocery store!! Anyways, I'm still angry about it obviously... That was such in your face gaslighting, it was gross. He wanted to dehumanize me, that's all. Typical narcissistic town
So many assholes in this world, that's why I remain reclusive.
If anyone who went th rough this tapped while wathing your very helpful videos they would start the self healing process right then and then with your course and live help they would clearly get the other side most need and appreciate. You can all learn eft techniques for free and start utilizing your negatives for the positive. Sharing good stuff is caring, much love and thank you for being one of us, we spread love in many ways and the end goal is joy~
Yes. This is accurate.
B I N G O...spot on. Another stellar video ~
Knew very wrong something was very wrong.
Thank you .
The only problem i find with focusing on the family is the exclusion of other elements . Peers school teachers and other adults. In a lot of complex trauma there is a constellation of abuse
Absolutely. Bullied at school, come home to be bullied by father.
Dziękujemy.
My gosh, this is scarily accurate. Every single point has hit a nerve
😥🙏
Thanks i AM Open my eyes at 48 years old... everything you Said happen in my childwood and youth
52 and opening my eyes now too.
I had a narcisitic father and mother. They starved me, they hit me, destroyed me, did stuff you wont believe. they killed my dog for nothing.
I grew ill because off them, i got this colitis/ilitis that stayed forever, and had cost me over time a my liver. I ran off as a teenager. No one helped me... I was piss poor. And i lived in the attic off an old shed, next to a grave yard. But i felt like the King, I was free. it was like a never ending relieve.
Thank you so much 😊 God bless you❤
There is nobody to interpret your world. They don't talk to u or care how u feel...unless u feel bad and then .SCORE! They join your school bullies ..and u feel u have no solid ground to stand on....they isolate u....😢 dismissive, controlling...love is conditional..begrudge the food we ate...we all were very thin. Telling others how 'miserable' we are...telling us they did so...etc..GC sister said, I try SO hard 2 please him.' powerles.😮
GAD...I need this course
My mom told me about one time my dad mistreated me when I was a baby. I was about 3 years old, and something happened that scared me and I got angry and cried. She said my dad screamed in my face pulled my arm down to the ground and told me to “shut up!” I just screamed louder, so he really screamed so loudly that I went totally silent. My mom finally went to break us up and did tell him that was “way too harsh” (after the traumatic damage was already done to my brain).
That was one of the answers for me that I could never find in my memory, and I still can’t.
My dad is a narcissist and has always been very abusive.
At least now I know so I can place things in my mind properly.
Depression, anxiety, and hypervigelience but NEVER anger!
Sounds about right.
The one way to trigger my narc parents and stepparents was to get angry. God forbid I actually get angry with them. 🙄
You have a great day, and be your Wise self. Thank you, Jerry.
You nailed it Jerry 🔨My husband is entranced with his parents. It’s like a spell. I kid you not- I saw it with my own two eyes. It was the most bizarre thing i had ever seen. 🤯🤯🤯
My husband is TERRIFIED to confront his mom. His dad, who was a wonderful man, always told the children before he left for work "Don't upset your mother." He didn't see anything unusual about this. But, now that she has caused problems in our marriage for almost 40 years and turned our daughter against us 5 years ago, he has finally seen the light. Still, he is TERRIFIED to confront her, but at the same time defends her.
@@susanfeis592 that’s awful, I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this family drama. IDK how your Mother could get your daughter on her side and against you?? I’m in disbelief. The positive in this is that your Father has finally seen the real person of who your Mother is. That is a blessing, for sure. IDK if he will do anything at this point but he at least sees her “ugly” side. I wish you all the best Susan. I hope you’re daughter realizes she’s on the wrong side.🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻
@@susanfeis592 my narc father tried to turn my kids 27 and 22 against me with money. Keeping secrets about this behind my back. It all blew up over a year ago about a rather large monetary wedding gift followed with verbal abuse to my child. Last thing I said to my narc dad was he was not going to destroy my family like he destroyed his family. He is a sick, evil man. It has been hard healing but getting better every day.
Excellent video! Can you do a follow up on sibling rivalry with a narcissistic parent? Always found it debilitating but also pretty fascinating. My mother would divide and conquer. Encourage me my brother sister to snitch on each other compete for her affection lie to one about the other while simultaneously throw herself into fake tears swearing she just wanted us all to get along. I was the one who would call her out on it and tried to opt out of her games perhaps a scape goat but now happily no contact. The way me and my siblings turned out is very different from one another yet all fell into codependent relationships and sibling rivalry that never seemed to end until again I went NC
I second that request! I grew up in a very similar situation. I’ve been NC with my sibling for over 3 years now.
The triangulation was vicious in my family. My siblings are stuck in brutal, nasty competition with me to this day, i had to go no contact.
We had the same mother.
4:46 '...my life is not my own's.' These were the same words I blurted out when I was walking along with my mother on a Sunday afternoon when I was 6 or 7 yrs old. I only vaguely recalled feeling a bit sad thinking my family just consisted of two people as compared to my friends' whom I always saw had 2 or more siblings on my visits. My father passed away when I was barely 2 or 3 yrs old.
These words just came out of the blue. My mother dismissed it as something I picked up from adult conversations. That was my initial inkling and among many other interactions convinced myself I could not approach my mother for explaining things in life without being made slighted or ridiculed. Needless to say, I developed the Avoidant style into adulthood making me ill at ease and difficult at intimacy.
I think my late father may have had narcissistic traits. Never occurred to me, but one day when I was having counselling it was suggested. I can relate to just about everything you have said.
Very educational. Thank you for putting this together. God bless and keep you brother! 🤍🙏🏻
Thank you, Jerry, for being one of the healing forces in my life. May God bless and keep you and your very important work in this world.
I knew our parents, especially my mother, had a huge problem. Everything revolved around her and if she did not get her way, look out. I was in my 50‘s when I stumbled across info on the internet about npd and gaslighting, which I had never heard of. However it described my mothers behaviour exactly..she blatantly lied about stuff that happened. Voiceless, invisible, unheard……sadly our family unit ticks all the boxes. Lots of fallout. By high school I was having breathing issues from the stress, at the time thought I had a medical issue…thank you for your work on this, so helpful.
This is a devastating huge problem in this world... Today we can actually see by being on social media how many of us there really are who've experienced and been affected from this trauma...I know narcissistic personality disorder has been around longer than we have.But I don't understand though as devastating ,destructive and damaging as it is to a person and every part of their being, not just people we associate with, run into, It's families, inside a home, with no way out, no help , no advice, no one to hear you. Just take it what ever it may be, day after day year after year.....Why wasn't this made more of a big deal? Or a broader topic /discussion, made more available to reach so many thats unknowing like the other mental health diagnosis? Why are hundreds and thousands of people today just as myself (until 4yrs ago finally) almost clueless of what why and how about this ? Especially it moreso being inside our own house with narcissistic parents.
True i never felt like my life was mine. Even as a mother if i did something that my narcissist mom dad brother or sister didn't like they would call CPS on me my mom did it over a hundred times they told me at one point she was calling em multiple times a day with everything under the sun and when they came out nothing was wrong. My dad did it my first mothers day cause i told him i wouldn't do something
I relate to so much of this. Im now 58 & realized in the last 2 yrs that my mom is a narcisist
I wish I could find information on what being the child of a highly sensitive person and malignant narcissist is like and the problems it can create. My children turned on me, the HSP, when their father, the narcissist, discarded me and sued for divorce. He died. My children were 50 by that time but cut me off. It is so troubling that they never told me why they cut me off. I have not seen or heard from my adult daughters nor my grandchildren in years. It is just baffling and creates a constant state of grief for the deaths with no funeral.
Me, too.
Ohhhhh Thank you for this Video !
Thank you so much for your hard work in bringing this sad situation into light. When your a child living with these types of people. You are a blessing to so many for helping build self confidence and strength to continue on in life with Jesus as our parent we will be ok. 🙏💝
I figured it out in my fifties but all my life I felt like the out downs and telling me how stupid I am is wrong. Apparently every single problem in the family is entirely my fault. Wow. Okay then. Must have caused my moms death from an aneurysm too ….. my father is and always has been an abusive cut throat ass. I can honestly say I hate him. I’ve gone no contact and I won’t even go to his funeral when he dies.
I’m sorry you’ve suffered so much. I hope you feel you’re in a better place in life now. Interesting that you figured it out in your 50s, I am a 52-year-old man and am figuring out that my father’s rage outbursts (terrifying to my younger sister and me) and periodic harsh criticism (he seemed to have dual personalities, I now realize, could offer high praise and encouragement at times, could be jovial, funny, and charming, at other times could terrify us with rage-the look in his eyes, the way he pursed his mouth-and unsettle us and render us ill-at-ease with his frequent tone of irritation and impatience) were more harmful that I previously believed. Since college, I’ve struggled a lot in life (growing up, fairly high academic achievement masked my many issues, even from myself), especially my very low self-esteem and my high fear level.
Thank you Jerry. What you are doing for a whole lot of people is very valuable. Your content in particular has been a big help to me. I've learned to self-differentiate and it has really helped me to take back some control. I understand narcissistic traits quite well now, and it prepares me every day for what I encounter as I am subjected to a carer role for the parent with narcissistic traits, and the half-siblings who show many of the same traits. I also understand that I was raised by a covert/vulnerable narcissist and how it has affected me and my life and determined so much for me up to now (I am sixty). You are well-ahead of the curve in terms of the help available from the health service in my country, and I will happily sign up to your core course of learning as soon as I'm in a position to do that. Thank you once again. You deserve many thanks.
I did not realize it until I was in my diagnosing class for my MFT degree reading the DSM. Bing Bing came into my head.
Ugh, New York!! I hate that city. Been there to visit four or five times. No more
Honesty, it could of been alot worst I m happy I saw a specialist
Wow. You truly have excellent insight. And it isn't just one or two here and there, but quite a number of great insights picking up on whats actually going on beneath the surface symptoms. Quite illuminating - Puts pieces together that otherwise wouldn't have been put in for me, and i read a fair bit on this subject. Really helpful. Thank you! ...and gosh, i tick so many of the boxes listed here! Have to almost stop the video so that the fluttering sensation in my chest subsides.
Well I'm 76 yrs o. I only learned my family structure is narcissistic 4 yrs ago.
Thank you, Jerry. I appreciate this free training. Truly, outstanding! Eileen
❤
Thank you Mr. Wise. I am so thankful you are talking about this.
This vid was so right on spot! You put words into what happened to me.
Thanks for watching, Helena!
SPOT ON...
I can see the hurt you have gone through.
Bless your soul