You're absolutely right ma'am. It's exhausting for the empathetic people to do this even for a few days. The best route is to protect yourself and stop being their supplier.
I scrolled down to the comments to write EXACTLY what you wrote!!! When I read the description for this video I thought 'Well why not, give them a taste of their own medicine'. But then I remembered I tried it once and failed miserably.. I felt like a fraud, I didn't sell it very well and then I had to have a lie down afterwards. After listening to Doctor Ramani I realised you have to actually BE that type of person and I can't do it, nor do I want to. So she's absolutely right.
@@jeannedouglas9912not possible. You’ll penicillin yourself. Mold is mold. Unless you want to damage yourself more, just get out. When people play with this game, they get burnt. Many times survivors start off very brave and capable thinking they can dabble in this relationship, they’ll just see how it goes, it’s all fun and exciting, until it’s not, until they are broken down. Take that energy to a normal human being, don’t try to fix or teach or out smart a pseudo human being. Lay down with dogs, you’ll wake up with fleas. The damage you get will not be scars that you can heal, you just walk around with it, and learn to live with it. It is better to not get burned or get fifth degree burns by trying to penicillin a narcissist.
The problem with mold is pennecillin is also a derivative from mold. Cause vs cure? Perhaps the true empath would benefit from not allowing their emotions too much power? No contact seems to be the answer yet that abusive narc rage is so terrible it thwarts the innocent empaths need for no contact. That narc rage is very very very cruel and kinda creates a state of shock as so many can't fathom how or why such hateful and irrational rage can exist (without cause always).
Yes. I declined to renew the contract of my previous job as soon as the project leader gaslighted me. In addition, he is poor skilled so he is going to mess things up. 🏃💨💨
Family Court prevents escaping narcissist abuse. And to make matters worse, they just add to it. It’s brutal. I’m going through it right now holding on for dear life for my son 🙏🏼💙
Thank you! I always felt weird when being told "just beat them at their own game, do this and that" instead of "stop taking part in their game, here's how I can help you."
I did it ONCE before I went no contact with my family. It was hysterical. I fed my mother a few little nuggets of "don't tell anyone but...", completely outrageous things which can be easily disproven. Well, she leaned in, pretty much panting and drooling, and told a dozen people within a day, which of course backfired spectacularly on them, leaving her and my sister looking like utter fools. I know it's not prolonged, but it was so very rewarding and opened people's eyes to what their real motives are. :)
@Chahlie, If it opened some people's eyes, I don't think you did wrong, just as long as it doesn't become part of who you are. I can just imagine how rewarding it must have felt to reveal your mother's motives.
Yes, same, I did it to one of my exes 15 years ago and 2 of ex bosses at the very end of the contracts 😂😂, just to mess with them. Don't give a sh*t they lied their ass*s off with no shame..
Dr Ramani is such a blessing to so many of us. SO grateful for her information & compassion for those of us suffering the heinous evils of the narcissist.
This had a refreshing twist to it. I never really thought of asking myself 'could I really do this to another human being for an extended period of time'. Just the thought of it is nauseating. Like think about it. You have to have a level of mental awareness that is incredibly alert, has a decent level of attention to detail and continually be in that state whenever you're around this person so you can attack another person's perceived reality and do so when prompted. Gyah, just makes my skin crawl thinking about it.
I feel as though this is a misrepresentation. While abuse in any form is the big ick, bad habits support bad habits. Narcissism certainly isn’t a hyper-vigilant super power. The route to success the abuser chooses in the case they may see as a “short cut” or “cheat code” and excuse the inexcusable by calling it means to an end. It is neither hyper powerful nor incomprehensible evil.
@poochy, Malignant narcissists are hyper-vigilant. M Scott Peck wrote a book about the hope for curing human evil. What he describes as human evil while not naming it as such, is a clear description of Malignant Narcissism. Hope for curing it? None.
@@poochy This exercise just illustrated how those with empathy could not engage in this kind of behavior though as it hinges on the absence of empathy in order for those behaviors to manifest. And because it keeps manifesting absent of externalities this would make it part of personality and not behavior, which is a distinction that Dr Ramani has made on this channel as well. The result of engaging in such actions is abuse as it causes harm to the victim who is being gaslit. It's something that without experience or education we are incredibly vulnerable to as well as our interactions hinge on participants being capable of empathy. And those with a history of trauma are especially vulnerable to because of familiarity and high levels of empathy as survivors. And, another thing that this channel has highlighted is how well off these individuals are as, they're not beholden to empathy when it comes to seeking a better quality of life, increasing their ability to obtain wealth, power and control. This is not a super power as, once someone has experience and knowledge, they are less likely to be manipulated. But it is incredibly advantageous and the cost for that advantage is those in proximity suffer. That would necessitate them being evil and in fact, I would say that having an understanding of narcissists leads to a more precise definition of the word. Evil is those who have the absence of empathy and a need to have control and power over others. And history is teaming with examples showing this to be the case.
@@pascalbro7524hmm, what I am cautioning against is viewing narcissistic abuse in a positive light. You don’t need to have a personality disorder to engage in the behaviors associated with this abuse, and making the argument that this is a route to more power, wealth or status gives me pause. Even one instance of certain behaviors can be life-changing. When I have experienced this kind of behavior, it has primarily relied on ignorance. Not hyper-vigilance or my extreme vulnerability, but a simple white lie. It’s almost like a magic trick, relying much more on misdirection than a skill of any kind. The fact that it predicates on the good nature of the subject is what makes it evil imo. At best it’s a wager that the abuser is making, that their lie won’t be discovered. That their misrepresentation or feigned ignorance won’t come to light. Hopefully, the consequences will be suitable severe to discourage the behavior in question.
Does anyone else on here (whilst acknowledging the video disclaimer) treat these videos as a little form of daily therapy? My therapist of 8 years recently relocated so I am having a hard time finding a new one. Listening to Dr Ramanis work really helps foster a therapeutic space for me. It’s a time to learn and reflect, heal, and so many other important things. I’ve watched all of her videos dozens of times over, along with reading her books, and listening to her podcast, and they have been such a blessing. Everything is readably available and at basically no cost. Thank you so much Dr Ramani, for all the beautiful hard work you do, to help each and everyone of us start our journey in healing and prosperity ❤️
@Cooperfan54, Everytime you come to listen to a Dr Ramani video remember that you are not alone. There are many otgers around the world listening at exactly the same time. Remember you are part of a community of people who are also listening and healing, who understand where you've been and where you are in your journey of understanding and healing. Picture us all there with you, standing or sitting beside you,. We are together in this journey of learning and healing.
Great insight. It's not the occasional attempt to wrong-foot another person. Gaslighting is the sustained grinding down of another person's ability to accurately perceive themselves. Death by a thousand cuts; and the first cut is NOT the deepest.
Both my parents are/were narcissists and two weeks ago my Mother died which I thought would be a relief but it brought up so many mixed emotions. Unfortunately due to my Mother's cancer battle and being in hospital for months my Father was the worst in gaslighting I have ever seen or been aware of. When I tried to go against what he was saying was wrong or just a different opinion the rage that came back at me was terrifying to the point that as soon as my Mother's funeral is done I will be cutting contact with my Father. All this time he has been the loving caring compassionate man in public taking care of his wife, which he has done, but he has controlled every aspect of getting access to see my Mother and information about how she was doing etc and told the hospital that only he was allowed info about her care and how she was doing. It has made myself and my sister extremely ill and he has even banned my sister from attending the funeral or watching the Livestream online. Neither of us ever want to be anywhere near him again after the funeral cos we mentally and physically do not feel safe around him. I feel when my Mother died we lost both parents cos of his behavior. Going against or gaslighting a narcissist is definitely not worth it cos it will only hurt yourself not them.
rosiep , I am sorry for your deep loss. I'm glad you still talk to your sister. Get support for yourself . The journey of grief and healing is a long one .
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. You and your sister have each other to get through this tought time. It's time for you and sis to heal! I wish you both the best! ❤
I’m sorry for your loss. He can not deny you access to view online nor can he keep you from the funeral. Skip the viewing & slide in after everyone is seated. Leave after the ceremony. Most funeral homes will allow you access to your mother before anyone else arrives to give you closure.
Doctor Ramani, please do not ever take down this video. In fact, it would be wonderful if you never took down any videos. I will need to play all of them for my grandchildren who will desperately need them. I think that this more than competently explains why malignant narcissists make for unfit parents.
While he was gaslighting me hard during his hoovering yesterday, I was watching him and thinking of your videos. He was such a textbook sadistic gaslighter narc. I ran down the stairs crying, rejecting his hoovering for the first time and didn't look back. He approached me to kiss me and for the first time I said to him 'no! If you dare even try to get me back again, you will have to deal with me!'. Thanks to you! Dr Ramani thank you! Greece
I don't understand why a person would want to intentionally choose narcissistic behaviours like gaslighting. Engaging with a narcissist is pointless, because I think they lack insight and will keep trying to punish/hurt you for standing up for yourself. It's a waste of time and effort, AND you don't benefit from it. They're not worth your time/effort. Dr. Ramani's DEEP technique has really helped me. Spending more time strengthening my boundaries and working on affirming and strengthening myself has helped me recognise the value of my inner peace.
I feel like I gaslighted one once. It was a situation where something I had said in the past was distorted and the distorted version had been communicated to the narcissist who threw the words back at me in a rage. I denied saying it (which was the truth), rather than explain that there had been conversation, but it didn't go the way they had been told. I used to feel guilty like I had lied or misled, but now I think it was the right choice because no matter what they wouldn't have believed me, and I was done trying to reason with them. I'm pretty sure that they still think I'm gas lighter and always will, but I don't care anymore.
Yeah, that's really the trick there. Deny it, and then invent another lie to make it look like they're covering up for something. At worse, you'll look equally guilty, since people won't know who to believe. If it's just the two of you, though, denying it will suffice. The only hold they'll have is making you feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If they keep needling you about being dishonest, day they're insane and all they do is repeat this line over and over and "that's not normal, are you sure you're ok?" The table for negotiation has shut down after a period of there being gaslighting with no improvement. You're not working to fix the relationship anymore, you're trying to get out. You're taking your privacy back. Say what you have to say to be safe.
Excellent. We want to be healthy dignified people. Gaslighting isn’t loving. It I has to do with a selfish motive. Our inner core is loving. We want to do everything we can to avoid this behavior. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Another point worth mentioning, is that you should not gaslight the gaslighter because that would require you to stoop down to their level of degeneracy.
I can tell someone has never been in a survival situation, because they nurse this silly notion about "stooping down". Life doesn't work that way. Sanctimonious victim shaming is the most nefarious.
@@Poodle_GunRegular lying/sugarcoating can be just as effective as gaslighting while trying to escape, and I’m not sure I ever would’ve tried to warp his brain _more_ on my way out. I didn’t take the comment as victim-shaming. Gaslighting is just an unhelpful and unnecessarily cruel method. Like, you don’t need to steal all their stuff and burn the house down when you leave, either. Is that victim-shaming?
@@Poodle_Gun You don’t have all of life’s answers, and you are wrong. Gaslighting is a very dangerous form of deceit and manipulation. Stooping to the level of the gaslighter diminishes everyone. Speaking truthfully and letting others be is a much more effective life strategy.
People that can't take what they dish out never cease to amaze (or disappoint) me. It is hard not to want to give them the same level of respect they give you.
I have done this to take the control away from the person who was manipulating me. It was NOT easy. I only did it on one issue, and for YEARS. Doing that allowed me to distance myself from them safely and exit the relationship without incident.
Thank you for clarifying that. I literally feel sick when I can't be honest or be myself. I also have no need for control or power over the other person at all and complicated suggestive questions or manipulations cost me too much energy, become annoying and ultimately I become ill, because the obstructionist literally causes stagnation in my flow. Unfortunately lot of people communicate like that, it shall be part of education and become conditioned. When I try to get in touch with my daughter and I set a boundary, she calls this distrust. So they gaslight me and I stagnate right away.
Just pre-ordered your book and signed up for your webinar tomorrow! Everything I can do to help me heal and cope is something I'm doing for me (self preservation and self love!) Therapy isn't cheap but I started going twice a month. And watching your videos and Dr. Carter's. Thank you, Dr. Ramani! Can't say it enough 🫶
Well, I was a bad match for my narcissistic husband of 53 years as I kept pushing back which I guess was a challenge for him but I have adapted most of your safe advice I guess out of self preservation but karma is a B and now that he is quite ill and both physically and mentally challenged it has been an interesting situation and arrival of the karma bus😎and I’m driving that bus BTW
If you do any of the abuse tactics back to them, that just gives them ammunition to feel truly justified about. Especially when defaming you towards others. It's bad enough when they manufacture that out of thin air or misrepresent or overdramatize events. Giving them something substantial just emboldens them, especially when they then try to gaslight you about being the narc/gaslighter instead.
I dont intend to turn em around. I will stop him and prevent him from taking away my kids. I have zero empathy now towards him. I am being the whole thing TOWARDS HIM. IM EVOLVING. I WILL BECOME THE WHOLE THING. I DONT CARE ABOUT MY SOUL ANYMORE. I JUST CARE ABOUT MY KIDS
I gaslight like hell about my reactive abuse or just abuse in general, I don’t want to make excuses. The narc mentions it, I act confused and as if I’ve done nothing wrong. It irritates the crap out of them. Feels good to return the favor! Before, he used to antagonize and touch me until I responded and then start recording. These days, I’m violent because I hate this person. Then he turns on a camera and I act confused about why he’s recording and deny everything that happened before the camera started rolling. He gets livid about this. I’ve asked him to leave my home several times btw. I know this isn’t healthy.
Yeswe can. I did. And it is working. Unfortunately i have to stop being ME. I have to act and TRANSPLANT A NEW PERSONALITY TO MYSELF. I am transforming myself into becoming a narcissist...but only to him. Coz i still feel so bad after doing to him what he did to me. It breaks my heart. But i have no choice. I will not allow him to take away my kids.
The hardest thing about getting into a 'close personal relationship' with someone with NPD (diagnosed by a clinical psychologist). is not only the realisation they did all these things BUT the mindlessness of what they did. The lying for no apparent point when the truth could have reached the same result. The manipulating for no real apparent gain in the long run. And so on. Initially you have self-disgust you were conned but honestly after awhile you realise what twisted and pointless minds they have
Stooping to the level of the narcissist by gaslighting them makes a person sick. Why would anybody want to do that? The only reason I think of would be that the victim is still trying to preserve the relationship instead of leaving.
Not gaslighting, but I angrily tried to hold my a-dad accountable for stuff he said and did a few times as a kid, because I was so sick of it. Even then I knew it was futile but I was very frustrated and obviously couldn’t leave at the time.
The religious abuser knows he received slander without question, now he's gone further down the road in his justification. He's made his own trap and he knows it. The only way out is to confess what he did but he won't. None of them will because they are scared to be sued for defamation. They have blindly protected each other in the lie.
I believe I have a parent who is a gaslighting narcissist and I lie to them about all kinds of random things that in a normal relationship, would be silly to lie about. Mostly, it's about making them think they have more control than they do, so I can have a part of my day/life where I can enjoy freedom to do normal things they have no clue about. If I need to, I lie about little things so they don't suspect what is really going on. Like if they hear the door open, I tell them I was checking to see how full the laundry basket was, so they don't have to deal with the laundry when maybe I was actually returning from an errand they are clueless about.
I told a lifelong friend I am not compatible with narcissism. She reacted she didn't like being judged then tossed me. I couldn't take listening to her gas light what's left of her family and a deluded idea she was shortchanged on an estate.
Just experienced this gas lighting technique by a youth at work: Issue: young woman at work kept talking in a super rude condescending way to me like I was an idiot.... Me: I would really appreciate if you could stop talking down to me in a condescending manner. Her: you make it sound like I'm out to get you!
Dr. Ramani good day from Jamaica 🙏🇯🇲. Thank you for your guidance. I have not been in sàme space, with the narcissist Melford Edgar Morris for the past 20 years, however the effects of the evil I encountered for ten years still hurt my blessed nervous system. I read The Bible alot, so I ask God to be my warrior, so I ask him to gaslight him back. Genesis 20. Have a pleasant day ♥️
When I gaslight a gaslighter they denied and projected and called me nutz lol 😂 I learned that after you do they know your on to them and they eventually leave and or try to tear you down
It is like asking for them to turn up the heat when they know you know. Meanwhile, since they can't seem to take blame themselves, they have got you doing things you've already legitimately got to complain about with them. And they're kind of right. You can't get revenge, and you can't argue with crazy without going there yourself. There will be no winners here. 🤔
Dr. Ramani I don't think you will read this comment, but I am going to try to thank you anyway. 2 days ago I left the narcissist. Got most of my stuff out, had a quick conversation and left. I was with him for 20 years. Had it not been for your videos I would have never realized, learned about my situation and made a plan to get out. I am not gonna lie, I am terrified. I feel anxious and lost. 20 years of a life established gone in 2 days. I don't know what the future holds but I truly know that it will be better without him. Change is painful and disorienting and don't quite know how I feel right now or frankly who I am. But I know that I will try to be patient and kind to myself. It's very easy for me to feel guilty and overwhelmed about everything and I am dealing as best I can. But thanks to your knowledge and your willingness to share it I am finally out of a relationship that had no future and was filled with constant lies, chaos and anxiety. Thank you sincerely ❤
Keep safe, don't let him in! If he's a Narcissist he will try everything to get you back because he cares about his "good image" outside. His mask is about to fall off now that you are gone. You were his main supply and he will come back with tricks and stalk you. I kept away and went no-contact but he tried with hoovering many months. Now it's been over a year, I had to move very far away until he finally gave up. Keep safe🙏🏻🕯 To be free from a Narc is the best for your life❤
If I end up taking this specialty in medical school you will literally be the reason I pick it. Thank you so much for your wisdom. You saved my life from chronic illness. You made me aware of things my body knew but my mind and heart could not accept. I went into university to study engineering and I am definitely going to finish what I started and use those skills to my advantage (programming is fun! 😁) but life may have different plans for me in my older years and your guidance definitely helped shift my focus about what’s truly important. I have a new obsession with biology that has changed everything about how I see the world. Again thank you for everything Dr. Ramani! I say this with the utmost sincerity, truly may God bless you 🙏🏼
It's exhausting enough to deal with narcissist individuals. Plus it's just not in my nature to do something that I know doesn't set well with me. I'll pass on stopping to their level. Thank you, Dr Ramani for the videos you've been a blessing in helping me maintain my santinty.
Whenever I've done the intentional sarcastic lie to do a impression of them hoping they notice... I notice my tone match theirs suddenly and then remember this tone of theirs and then it becomes very obvious when they are lying. I remember being on call once with my daughter and I could here my ex in the background talking to one of her care clients saying "No, no took your money, I think you just have a very active imagination", this ladies money was gone and I knew my ex was the type to do this also and this is what she would say to me when I would find anything out that had psychical evidence to go along with it. Even now I get told to go and get help and not run away from it yet when going to places for "help" they tell me I'm dealing with a narcissistic women and don't believe her and yet she has it in her to make out I have the problem. She was part of a cult and her father Elvin Mayo is well known for his actions and now my daughter lives with her and her mothers auntie, the other cult leader. The system is setup to help women so much that they can get away with abuse and another level.
I appreciate how you chose to say that even people who do not have an abusers mindset can also gaslight. Although I do have to say, I get you do work with NPD, really I wish we, as a society as well, just call them what they are..ABUSERS who chose to abuse over and over and over again. and of course they project and turn it around on the empathetic people..that is all part of their psychological/emotional/verbally twisted mind games. Half the time, an abuser like my mother, doesn't even know what it means..just as my father and brother.
You are beyond a life saver Dr. Ramani. Many times I wanted to gaslight the person but it ended up exhausting me. After listening to you I understand why
My comment at the beginning of the video is: Don't gaslight a gaslighter. They've had practice and are better at it, and you WILL lose. Also, they don't believe the TRUE things you say about them. How can you get them to believe lies about them? The only way to beat a narcissist is by going full no-contact
These videos are so helpful and it is so helpful knowing that being on the receiving end of this stuff is not just me. The problem with gaslighting the Gaslighter is you have to become a lesser person to engage in it and that is a price not worth paying.
The golden child can gaslight the gaslighter with ease if they are aware of their own position within the dynamic. My brother has taken hold of the family and has been very successful by being complicit and then loading the gun but passing it to other family members to fire,
If your brother is like the Golden Child of my family, then I think Gaslighters can Gaslight each other. Those are the only times where I've ever seen my grandiose narcissstic parent apologize to anyone - when her Golden Child would DARVO her (your own medicine must be bitter-tasting) and she'd be fawning at my Sister within minutes to get back to homeostasis with her "precious baby".
i absolutely have no interest in gaslighting anyone lol, and it sounds like i'm on the right track, so i'll just say that i love that turtleneck sweater!!!! so fuzzy and fluffy!! I've got a housecoat and a hoodie of that same fuzziness, and it's just delightful to wear always.
This is Diane Leclair from Vancouver BC Canada I want to order your new book because the course comes free with it .I hope to get more people interested in gaslighting then they are in the idea of narcissism I suppose it's because they don't understand the difference between basic healthy self-interest as opposed to these NPD people who love to control and make us think that we are crazy when all along they themselves are the crazy making manipulators of their evil projections on to us
Your right! I feel like gaslighting is so painful even my own councellour does gaslighting on me! i have been aware it ever since i been watching your channel for over 2 years
I had a beauty of a gas lighting experience on Tuesday. I had been working for my daughter up until the 21st when she fired me. The reasons could be several but it's typical of her to be even more hostile around the holidays. But she called me on this past Tuesday to get me to help her with her two small children while she ran some errands. Because I know that she is horrible and a danger to the kids, I put my sense of justice and my pride aside and went to help her. I stayed for 7 hours. After she did her errands, she decided that she wanted to go shopping so she dropped my grandson and I off at the playground at the mall. She gave me directions as to where it was in the mall and some cash for admittance. She did not discuss where we would meet back up. I assumed that it would be in the same place that I was dropped off. At 3pm, I texted her and said that my grandson was tired and when can she pick us up. She said in about 5 minutes. I said good and where shall we meet - downstairs? At that point, I started to get my grandson ready and in the stroller to trek back through the mall to the parking garage. In the meantime at 3:08, she texted and I quote, "I can meet you on the upper level." But I didn't get it until I was already on the ground level. Eventually she did come down to get us. We all got in the van and got on the freeway and that is when she started her toxic, evil crap. She started in grinding me as to why I didn't meet her at the upper level after we had discussed it when she dropped us off. She wanted to know where the failing in our communication was at, was it that I forgot, or was it that I deliberately didn't follow instructions? She kept on about it as if it was a huge event like I wrecked her car. I told her that she never mentioned where we would meet and she claimed that we did and around and around we went. So when I got home, I went back through the text messages and saw the text at 3:08, where she said that she "can" meet us up top. So I texted her: "If you already had it as your reality that you told me that you were picking me on the upper level, why did you text..." I never received a reply. I thought is was scary evil to invent a scenario and then accuse me of something that I didn't do just so that Miss toxic can blame me and grind me and cast me in a bad light of being either irresponsible, forgetful, or disagreeable. My daughter frightens me and I'm terrified for the welfare of my grandchildren.
I would stay in close contact with the grandchildren as they they really need you. You are the light that shines on them. Be there for them I know it must be hard that your daughter is such sad person and don't take any responsibility to her own actions. ❤
Some one else mentioned about being there for your grandkid/s. Which is a good plan. If they are old enough to comprehend and apply it, giving her phone number and contact details (address) and phone number that they can store somewhere- even if it is in secrete. No one should have to be underhanded or play games to do this, but let’s be honest the level playing ground is always tipped in favour to the antagonistic person. That way should anything unsavoury happen they have another adult who cares about them as a back up. Whether it be next week, next year or when they meet the teenage years. A safe place to just to touch base…. Or another option should ‘some time’ out be needed for the child. So many people turn a blind eye and sometimes thinks another friend or family member will or has step up…. Then it comes apparent that no one offered any support or help.
I agree. Two negatives don’t make a positive. Once one realizes what is going on, smartly shift away from them. It doesn’t matter if they miss you or not. You matter ❤
Doc, I’ve got a situation, this Sunday I’m supposed to go have brunch with my father-in-law, ok but I know my narc husband has been running his mouth about me to all his family his sisters will be there he is also a twin to one of his sisters they are all narcs , the only way I’ve considered going is taking my own vehicle, then my husband said that’s just weird. What do you think?
Thank you for this very timely reminder as I descend the stairs to deal with it. I sense a confrontation coming and as I was mentally preparing and practicing (lol we all do that💜), I momentarily contemplated the 'gaslighting' approach but my heart and soul truly isn't in it. Will save this video for next time though in case I'm not so sure...
I have at times wanted to tell my narcissist mom she has dementia when she rages at me. I can't do it though, because I know it would be a lie and also cruel. She has plenty of actual problematic behaviors I could call her out about without making up something. However, I've learned the hard way there is no point in confronting her about her actual bad acts unless I want a big taste of DARVO. The only way to handle people like this is walk away if you can.
In Thanksgiving: ( USA 🇺🇸) : btw: Doctor Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D.: ( awareness- mental health- information ℹ️ fabulous) : thank you 🙏: again: thank you 🙏
Narcissism is someone’s coping mechanism for past trauma. I think i may be a super empath. Even though i have suffered at the hands of someone i believe has NPD, been gaslighted and more, my inner love tells me that i should forgive this person and try to help heal them. That is the part that hurts most. I know i can show this person the love, trust and kindness that they missed, but they are too set in their ways to let me in.
Narcisist can be such perfectionists that you can simply make them question past present and future tense USAGE of the term "gaslight", it throws them for such a loop, they as individuals or a group leave you alone for a few days to try and figure it out enough to continue hoovering.
I’m incapable of gaslighting anyone, let alone someone that’s been gaslighting me. When I’m confronted with something, panic physically overwhelms me because confrontation terrifies me. I can’t speak when this happens so I have to wait until the event is over and I’ve had a chance to recover from it. From there my overly thoughtful, hyper empathetic nature takes over and I take the blame regardless of whether I did something wrong or not. If I did, after introspecting for hours, I’ll sincerely apologize and try to make things right. If I didn’t but I’m scared of the abuse I’ll suffer if I try to confront my accuser/abuser I, very uncomfortably, insincerely apologize as convincingly as I can.
If you cant leave right away. Yes!! I had so much fun when i learned to do it back. Kept me sane. But it felt wrong in the beginning as a good heart. 😂
Gosh I wish you were our family court mandated Coparenting counselor. She doesn’t even see through him and I was hoping she would. She lets him do this stuff to me multiple sessions already. I’ve tried denying his false accusations, defending myself, completely keeping quiet, keeping it simple and telling him no I never said that or no that never happened. Because it legitimately didn’t. And the more he gets away with it, the more he does it to me and the more I have to be subject to it. Even if I say please stop, I can’t get away from it because of family court. They end up believing him and I get told that Im not being accountable for what he says (which are piled lies). His voice turns my stomach. I’m really trying to keep my head up. Your videos at least help me understand it so I could try to deal with it better. ❤️
That was so enlightening! Thank you. I first thought, oh dear, why wouldn’t we give them a taste back…what’s with the lack of empowering survivors? Why do we always need to be such flowers? I want to be Wonderwoman! Do you have a younger sister who has a different mindset?😆 But once you explained it, I can see that their motives are totally different than mines/ours. They seek power and control over another. We do not. We simply want justice. Which we will receive. Divine justice. The universe has a way of balancing things out. It’s just beyond our control. Btw, your make up is very lovely today, tan looks fresh and rosy which suits you and the eyes are delicately done and gorgeous. 👍💕
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Can you please make a video on how to handle a boss who gaslights and is narcissistic? It would be very helpful. Thanks again. ❤
I was immediately like "No, because you're better than that, and also because they will feel like you're starting a power struggle, and they will fight."
Should I ghost a ghoster? Yes Recently I spit out all the poison to the actual toxic narcissist person in my life, and she admitted the facts and "apologized", but also said the usual bullshit narcissists say" If my words hurted you , I'm sorry, I am responsible for what I say but not for how you feel about what I say", and after that started spitting venom on me for all the things I did bad to her (in her twisted mind). So after this talk I realized how selfish and ego centered this person was and all the affection and love which was left for her went to 100 to 3. Now I'm finally ready to move on and forget such a toxic narcissist fake person and remove her from my life
I'm a month into a gaslighting episode, being on the receiving end from someone beloved. Now the problem is that the gas-lighter here is not aware that the one who is being gas-lighted already is aware of the fact and therefore the gas-lighting has no effect on me. So where does the quest of the gas-lighter actually end in case its victim does not give up? Is there a chance of patch-up between these, albeit after passage of some time?
You can't make a narcissist doubt their reality. They create their own reality, so they can't possibly be wrong.
That has been my experience.
You can tell them the truth and they still won't believe it. They do just make up their own reality
True. A narcissist will get triggered by you by not complying with her/his truth.
Don't forget to forget the narcissist who forgets you.
They don't forget to forget you...and that's gaslighting at its quietest! 😂
Youngblood ,thanks for the reminder. The narcissists are all agitating at the same time !
@@cc1k435 , yup , very true. Thanks
The narcissist probably won’t forget you if they got the most amount of recourses from you compared to someone else.
@@greg9069 I'm sorry , what do you mean by recourses?
You're absolutely right ma'am. It's exhausting for the empathetic people to do this even for a few days. The best route is to protect yourself and stop being their supplier.
They absolutely exhaust you to the point of resentment!!!
I scrolled down to the comments to write EXACTLY what you wrote!!! When I read the description for this video I thought 'Well why not, give them a taste of their own medicine'. But then I remembered I tried it once and failed miserably.. I felt like a fraud, I didn't sell it very well and then I had to have a lie down afterwards. After listening to Doctor Ramani I realised you have to actually BE that type of person and I can't do it, nor do I want to. So she's absolutely right.
Narcissism is like black mold. If you don't get rid of it, it takes over, causing severe health problems and then eventually death.
Maybe it's a good idea to turn it around into a pennecillan of sorts?
@@jeannedouglas9912Not that simple....
@@jokendrick2124PPL must be aware of gray rocking. It's like hydrogen bomb against a narc.
@@jeannedouglas9912not possible. You’ll penicillin yourself. Mold is mold. Unless you want to damage yourself more, just get out. When people play with this game, they get burnt. Many times survivors start off very brave and capable thinking they can dabble in this relationship, they’ll just see how it goes, it’s all fun and exciting, until it’s not, until they are broken down. Take that energy to a normal human being, don’t try to fix or teach or out smart a pseudo human being. Lay down with dogs, you’ll wake up with fleas.
The damage you get will not be scars that you can heal, you just walk around with it, and learn to live with it. It is better to not get burned or get fifth degree burns by trying to penicillin a narcissist.
The problem with mold is pennecillin is also a derivative from mold. Cause vs cure? Perhaps the true empath would benefit from
not allowing their emotions too much power? No contact seems to be the answer yet that abusive narc rage is so terrible it thwarts the innocent empaths need for no contact. That narc rage is very very very cruel and kinda creates a state of shock as so many can't fathom how or why such hateful and irrational rage can exist (without cause always).
The best part of knowing a narcissist AND deleting him/her outbof your life is........integrity
If someone is repeatedly gaslighting you, the relationship is detrimental to our overall wellbeing and we should exit it. Thank you dr Ramani ❤
Of course.
Yes. I declined to renew the contract of my previous job as soon as the project leader gaslighted me. In addition, he is poor skilled so he is going to mess things up. 🏃💨💨
Easier said than done when the parent is the narc.
Yes but... it is complicated when we have been lured into giving up our financial independence.
Family Court prevents escaping narcissist abuse. And to make matters worse, they just add to it. It’s brutal. I’m going through it right now holding on for dear life for my son 🙏🏼💙
Thank you! I always felt weird when being told "just beat them at their own game, do this and that" instead of "stop taking part in their game, here's how I can help you."
Lemana ,True !
The best way to BEAT a game is to not even PLAY! 🙏🏽
@@alxdgr8806that’s what I did. I never engaged. I only solve the problem!
I did it ONCE before I went no contact with my family. It was hysterical. I fed my mother a few little nuggets of "don't tell anyone but...", completely outrageous things which can be easily disproven. Well, she leaned in, pretty much panting and drooling, and told a dozen people within a day, which of course backfired spectacularly on them, leaving her and my sister looking like utter fools.
I know it's not prolonged, but it was so very rewarding and opened people's eyes to what their real motives are. :)
@Chahlie, If it opened some people's eyes, I don't think you did wrong, just as long as it doesn't become part of who you are. I can just imagine how rewarding it must have felt to reveal your mother's motives.
Great strategy! Thanks, buddy!
I know my training says don’t do that back to them but I’m gonna anyway.
First it's done to us, then we do it to others, then we order it done.
Yes, same, I did it to one of my exes 15 years ago and 2 of ex bosses at the very end of the contracts 😂😂, just to mess with them. Don't give a sh*t they lied their ass*s off with no shame..
Tempting though! I can imagine they’ll just project it back. Fruitless. They don’t care. It’ll hurt you more than it will them.
Dr Ramani is such a blessing to so many of us. SO grateful for her information & compassion for those of us suffering the heinous evils of the narcissist.
This had a refreshing twist to it. I never really thought of asking myself 'could I really do this to another human being for an extended period of time'. Just the thought of it is nauseating.
Like think about it. You have to have a level of mental awareness that is incredibly alert, has a decent level of attention to detail and continually be in that state whenever you're around this person so you can attack another person's perceived reality and do so when prompted. Gyah, just makes my skin crawl thinking about it.
I feel as though this is a misrepresentation. While abuse in any form is the big ick, bad habits support bad habits. Narcissism certainly isn’t a hyper-vigilant super power.
The route to success the abuser chooses in the case they may see as a “short cut” or “cheat code” and excuse the inexcusable by calling it means to an end. It is neither hyper powerful nor incomprehensible evil.
@poochy,
Malignant narcissists are hyper-vigilant.
M Scott Peck wrote a book about the hope for curing human evil. What he describes as human evil while not naming it as such, is a clear description of Malignant Narcissism. Hope for curing it? None.
@@poochy This exercise just illustrated how those with empathy could not engage in this kind of behavior though as it hinges on the absence of empathy in order for those behaviors to manifest.
And because it keeps manifesting absent of externalities this would make it part of personality and not behavior, which is a distinction that Dr Ramani has made on this channel as well.
The result of engaging in such actions is abuse as it causes harm to the victim who is being gaslit.
It's something that without experience or education we are incredibly vulnerable to as well as our interactions hinge on participants being capable of empathy. And those with a history of trauma are especially vulnerable to because of familiarity and high levels of empathy as survivors.
And, another thing that this channel has highlighted is how well off these individuals are as, they're not beholden to empathy when it comes to seeking a better quality of life, increasing their ability to obtain wealth, power and control.
This is not a super power as, once someone has experience and knowledge, they are less likely to be manipulated. But it is incredibly advantageous and the cost for that advantage is those in proximity suffer.
That would necessitate them being evil and in fact, I would say that having an understanding of narcissists leads to a more precise definition of the word. Evil is those who have the absence of empathy and a need to have control and power over others. And history is teaming with examples showing this to be the case.
@@pascalbro7524hmm, what I am cautioning against is viewing narcissistic abuse in a positive light. You don’t need to have a personality disorder to engage in the behaviors associated with this abuse, and making the argument that this is a route to more power, wealth or status gives me pause. Even one instance of certain behaviors can be life-changing.
When I have experienced this kind of behavior, it has primarily relied on ignorance. Not hyper-vigilance or my extreme vulnerability, but a simple white lie. It’s almost like a magic trick, relying much more on misdirection than a skill of any kind. The fact that it predicates on the good nature of the subject is what makes it evil imo.
At best it’s a wager that the abuser is making, that their lie won’t be discovered. That their misrepresentation or feigned ignorance won’t come to light. Hopefully, the consequences will be suitable severe to discourage the behavior in question.
That's a lot of work and I'd rather just stay away from the lunatics. 😂
Does anyone else on here (whilst acknowledging the video disclaimer) treat these videos as a little form of daily therapy? My therapist of 8 years recently relocated so I am having a hard time finding a new one. Listening to Dr Ramanis work really helps foster a therapeutic space for me. It’s a time to learn and reflect, heal, and so many other important things. I’ve watched all of her videos dozens of times over, along with reading her books, and listening to her podcast, and they have been such a blessing. Everything is readably available and at basically no cost. Thank you so much Dr Ramani, for all the beautiful hard work you do, to help each and everyone of us start our journey in healing and prosperity ❤️
@Cooperfan54,
Everytime you come to listen to a Dr Ramani video remember that you are not alone. There are many otgers around the world listening at exactly the same time. Remember you are part of a community of people who are also listening and healing, who understand where you've been and where you are in your journey of understanding and healing. Picture us all there with you, standing or sitting beside you,. We are together in this journey of learning and healing.
A true empath will get physically ill plus plus plus if they ever gaslight a gaslighter. It is so disturbing to peace.
Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Mark Twain
Great insight. It's not the occasional attempt to wrong-foot another person. Gaslighting is the sustained grinding down of another person's ability to accurately perceive themselves. Death by a thousand cuts; and the first cut is NOT the deepest.
Love this! Well said!Thank you!
Gray rocking works so well. One must know it.
Both my parents are/were narcissists and two weeks ago my Mother died which I thought would be a relief but it brought up so many mixed emotions. Unfortunately due to my Mother's cancer battle and being in hospital for months my Father was the worst in gaslighting I have ever seen or been aware of. When I tried to go against what he was saying was wrong or just a different opinion the rage that came back at me was terrifying to the point that as soon as my Mother's funeral is done I will be cutting contact with my Father. All this time he has been the loving caring compassionate man in public taking care of his wife, which he has done, but he has controlled every aspect of getting access to see my Mother and information about how she was doing etc and told the hospital that only he was allowed info about her care and how she was doing. It has made myself and my sister extremely ill and he has even banned my sister from attending the funeral or watching the Livestream online. Neither of us ever want to be anywhere near him again after the funeral cos we mentally and physically do not feel safe around him. I feel when my Mother died we lost both parents cos of his behavior. Going against or gaslighting a narcissist is definitely not worth it cos it will only hurt yourself not them.
rosiep , I am sorry for your deep loss. I'm glad you still talk to your sister. Get support for yourself . The journey of grief and healing is a long one .
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. You and your sister have each other to get through this tought time. It's time for you and sis to heal! I wish you both the best! ❤
I’m sorry for your loss. He can not deny you access to view online nor can he keep you from the funeral. Skip the viewing & slide in after everyone is seated. Leave after the ceremony. Most funeral homes will allow you access to your mother before anyone else arrives to give you closure.
My condolences.....
I'm sorry for your loss. It is okay to have mixed feelings. You feel the way you feel and grief takes time and comes in different ways. ❤
Doctor Ramani, please do not ever take down this video. In fact, it would be wonderful if you never took down any videos. I will need to play all of them for my grandchildren who will desperately need them. I think that this more than competently explains why malignant narcissists make for unfit parents.
They are worse than unfit as a parent. They'll steal their child's life, extinguish their light, and more if it means they benefit in some way.
While he was gaslighting me hard during his hoovering yesterday, I was watching him and thinking of your videos. He was such a textbook sadistic gaslighter narc. I ran down the stairs crying, rejecting his hoovering for the first time and didn't look back. He approached me to kiss me and for the first time I said to him 'no! If you dare even try to get me back again, you will have to deal with me!'.
Thanks to you! Dr Ramani thank you! Greece
Well done. Keep it in you!! You got this!!!❤❤
I don't understand why a person would want to intentionally choose narcissistic behaviours like gaslighting. Engaging with a narcissist is pointless, because I think they lack insight and will keep trying to punish/hurt you for standing up for yourself. It's a waste of time and effort, AND you don't benefit from it. They're not worth your time/effort.
Dr. Ramani's DEEP technique has really helped me.
Spending more time strengthening my boundaries and working on affirming and strengthening myself has helped me recognise the value of my inner peace.
What’s the DEEP
@1961fuzzy Don't Defend
Don't Engage
Don't Explain
Don't Personalize
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Healing from gaslighting is so hard because I DO wonder, "Is she right? Am I narcissistic?"
You wouldn’t be questioning yourself being a narcissist, if you were a narcissist. You’d be projecting it onto someone else!
I feel like I gaslighted one once. It was a situation where something I had said in the past was distorted and the distorted version had been communicated to the narcissist who threw the words back at me in a rage. I denied saying it (which was the truth), rather than explain that there had been conversation, but it didn't go the way they had been told. I used to feel guilty like I had lied or misled, but now I think it was the right choice because no matter what they wouldn't have believed me, and I was done trying to reason with them. I'm pretty sure that they still think I'm gas lighter and always will, but I don't care anymore.
Yeah, that's really the trick there. Deny it, and then invent another lie to make it look like they're covering up for something. At worse, you'll look equally guilty, since people won't know who to believe. If it's just the two of you, though, denying it will suffice. The only hold they'll have is making you feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If they keep needling you about being dishonest, day they're insane and all they do is repeat this line over and over and "that's not normal, are you sure you're ok?"
The table for negotiation has shut down after a period of there being gaslighting with no improvement. You're not working to fix the relationship anymore, you're trying to get out. You're taking your privacy back. Say what you have to say to be safe.
Excellent. We want to be healthy dignified people. Gaslighting isn’t loving. It I has to do with a selfish motive. Our inner core is loving. We want to do everything we can to avoid this behavior. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Another point worth mentioning, is that you should not gaslight the gaslighter because that would require you to stoop down to their level of degeneracy.
I can tell someone has never been in a survival situation, because they nurse this silly notion about "stooping down". Life doesn't work that way. Sanctimonious victim shaming is the most nefarious.
@@Poodle_GunRegular lying/sugarcoating can be just as effective as gaslighting while trying to escape, and I’m not sure I ever would’ve tried to warp his brain _more_ on my way out.
I didn’t take the comment as victim-shaming. Gaslighting is just an unhelpful and unnecessarily cruel method. Like, you don’t need to steal all their stuff and burn the house down when you leave, either. Is that victim-shaming?
@@Poodle_Gun You don’t have all of life’s answers, and you are wrong.
Gaslighting is a very dangerous form of deceit and manipulation. Stooping to the level of the gaslighter diminishes everyone.
Speaking truthfully and letting others be is a much more effective life strategy.
We can't gaslight, we care too much. We try "get them back" during moments of weakness and it lasts 5mins before we feel bad.
You're the wise Indian auntie I never had. Mine were narc. Thank you Doc!
People that can't take what they dish out never cease to amaze (or disappoint) me. It is hard not to want to give them the same level of respect they give you.
Your brain isn't wired to do that level of mental gymnastics
@@Poodle_Gun haha no it is not
Gaslighting a gaslighter will bring all the smoke.
I have done this to take the control away from the person who was manipulating me. It was NOT easy. I only did it on one issue, and for YEARS. Doing that allowed me to distance myself from them safely and exit the relationship without incident.
Thank you for clarifying that. I literally feel sick when I can't be honest or be myself. I also have no need for control or power over the other person at all and complicated suggestive questions or manipulations cost me too much energy, become annoying and ultimately I become ill, because the obstructionist literally causes stagnation in my flow. Unfortunately lot of people communicate like that, it shall be part of education and become conditioned. When I try to get in touch with my daughter and I set a boundary, she calls this distrust. So they gaslight me and I stagnate right away.
Just pre-ordered your book and signed up for your webinar tomorrow! Everything I can do to help me heal and cope is something I'm doing for me (self preservation and self love!) Therapy isn't cheap but I started going twice a month. And watching your videos and Dr. Carter's. Thank you, Dr. Ramani! Can't say it enough 🫶
Well, I was a bad match for my narcissistic husband of 53 years as I kept pushing back which I guess was a challenge for him but I have adapted most of your safe advice I guess out of self preservation but karma is a B and now that he is quite ill and both physically and mentally challenged it has been an interesting situation and arrival of the karma bus😎and I’m driving that bus BTW
Don't turn into him.
If you do any of the abuse tactics back to them, that just gives them ammunition to feel truly justified about. Especially when defaming you towards others.
It's bad enough when they manufacture that out of thin air or misrepresent or overdramatize events. Giving them something substantial just emboldens them, especially when they then try to gaslight you about being the narc/gaslighter instead.
I wouldn't want to do anything that resembles narcissistic behavior.
Don't hang out with narcissists then, because sooner or later you might. 😢
@@cc1k435 Don't even listen to one or you might.
I dont intend to turn em around. I will stop him and prevent him from taking away my kids. I have zero empathy now towards him. I am being the whole thing TOWARDS HIM. IM EVOLVING. I WILL BECOME THE WHOLE THING. I DONT CARE ABOUT MY SOUL ANYMORE. I JUST CARE ABOUT MY KIDS
I gaslight like hell about my reactive abuse or just abuse in general, I don’t want to make excuses. The narc mentions it, I act confused and as if I’ve done nothing wrong. It irritates the crap out of them. Feels good to return the favor! Before, he used to antagonize and touch me until I responded and then start recording. These days, I’m violent because I hate this person. Then he turns on a camera and I act confused about why he’s recording and deny everything that happened before the camera started rolling. He gets livid about this. I’ve asked him to leave my home several times btw. I know this isn’t healthy.
Yeswe can. I did. And it is working. Unfortunately i have to stop being ME. I have to act and TRANSPLANT A NEW PERSONALITY TO MYSELF. I am transforming myself into becoming a narcissist...but only to him. Coz i still feel so bad after doing to him what he did to me. It breaks my heart. But i have no choice. I will not allow him to take away my kids.
Thank you for this. This is a big topic and I can't wait to hear all you've got to say about it at the workshop.
The hardest thing about getting into a 'close personal relationship' with someone with NPD (diagnosed by a clinical psychologist). is not only the realisation they did all these things BUT the mindlessness of what they did. The lying for no apparent point when the truth could have reached the same result. The manipulating for no real apparent gain in the long run. And so on. Initially you have self-disgust you were conned but honestly after awhile you realise what twisted and pointless minds they have
Dr Ramani, come over for xmas if you want. Actually had this conversation today! Exhausting
Stooping to the level of the narcissist by gaslighting them makes a person sick. Why would anybody want to do that? The only reason I think of would be that the victim is still trying to preserve the relationship instead of leaving.
Not gaslighting, but I angrily tried to hold my a-dad accountable for stuff he said and did a few times as a kid, because I was so sick of it. Even then I knew it was futile but I was very frustrated and obviously couldn’t leave at the time.
Thank you. Dr. Ramani, for your clear, eloquent explanations of these complex topics! 🙏
The religious abuser knows he received slander without question, now he's gone further down the road in his justification. He's made his own trap and he knows it. The only way out is to confess what he did but he won't. None of them will because they are scared to be sued for defamation. They have blindly protected each other in the lie.
Dr. Ramani, tkank you for all you public work. I like your explanations and suggestions. Se you tomorrow on Zoom.
I've totally done it!
I believe I have a parent who is a gaslighting narcissist and I lie to them about all kinds of random things that in a normal relationship, would be silly to lie about. Mostly, it's about making them think they have more control than they do, so I can have a part of my day/life where I can enjoy freedom to do normal things they have no clue about. If I need to, I lie about little things so they don't suspect what is really going on. Like if they hear the door open, I tell them I was checking to see how full the laundry basket was, so they don't have to deal with the laundry when maybe I was actually returning from an errand they are clueless about.
This is understandable to me, especially if you can’t leave (yet).
Thank you Dr. Ramani.
I told a lifelong friend I am not compatible with narcissism. She reacted she didn't like being judged then tossed me. I couldn't take listening to her gas light what's left of her family and a deluded idea she was shortchanged on an estate.
Just experienced this gas lighting technique by a youth at work:
Issue: young woman at work kept talking in a super rude condescending way to me like I was an idiot....
Me: I would really appreciate if you could stop talking down to me in a condescending manner.
Her: you make it sound like I'm out to get you!
Isn't it sick that those of us who really want to be fair are the very ones who attract these people?
Thank you Dr Ramani for all your helpful advice 💐
Dr. Ramani good day from Jamaica 🙏🇯🇲. Thank you for your guidance. I have not been in sàme space, with the narcissist Melford Edgar Morris for the past 20 years, however the effects of the evil I encountered for ten years still hurt my blessed nervous system. I read The Bible alot, so I ask God to be my warrior, so I ask him to gaslight him back. Genesis 20. Have a pleasant day ♥️
Thanks for this. I wouldn't do it back but it stops me having to wish i could. Channel helps so much, really does.
This is exactly why I keep to myself.
When I gaslight a gaslighter they denied and projected and called me nutz lol 😂 I learned that after you do they know your on to them and they eventually leave and or try to tear you down
It is like asking for them to turn up the heat when they know you know. Meanwhile, since they can't seem to take blame themselves, they have got you doing things you've already legitimately got to complain about with them. And they're kind of right. You can't get revenge, and you can't argue with crazy without going there yourself. There will be no winners here. 🤔
@@cc1k435 I know thats right
Dr. Ramani I don't think you will read this comment, but I am going to try to thank you anyway. 2 days ago I left the narcissist. Got most of my stuff out, had a quick conversation and left. I was with him for 20 years. Had it not been for your videos I would have never realized, learned about my situation and made a plan to get out.
I am not gonna lie, I am terrified. I feel anxious and lost. 20 years of a life established gone in 2 days. I don't know what the future holds but I truly know that it will be better without him. Change is painful and disorienting and don't quite know how I feel right now or frankly who I am. But I know that I will try to be patient and kind to myself. It's very easy for me to feel guilty and overwhelmed about everything and I am dealing as best I can. But thanks to your knowledge and your willingness to share it I am finally out of a relationship that had no future and was filled with constant lies, chaos and anxiety. Thank you sincerely ❤
Keep safe, don't let him in!
If he's a Narcissist he will try everything to get you back because he cares about his "good image" outside. His mask is about to fall off now that you are gone. You were his main supply and he will come back with tricks and stalk you. I kept away and went no-contact but he tried with hoovering many months.
Now it's been over a year, I had to move very far away until he finally gave up.
Keep safe🙏🏻🕯
To be free from a Narc is the best for your life❤
Brilliant
Excellent advice Dr. Ramani. I missed the workshop!
If I end up taking this specialty in medical school you will literally be the reason I pick it. Thank you so much for your wisdom. You saved my life from chronic illness. You made me aware of things my body knew but my mind and heart could not accept. I went into university to study engineering and I am definitely going to finish what I started and use those skills to my advantage (programming is fun! 😁) but life may have different plans for me in my older years and your guidance definitely helped shift my focus about what’s truly important. I have a new obsession with biology that has changed everything about how I see the world.
Again thank you for everything Dr. Ramani!
I say this with the utmost sincerity, truly may God bless you 🙏🏼
Let's be real, it isn't a pie. It's a bakery.
An all-hours bakery in a terrible neighborhood you got lost in, where all the goodies turn out to be tainted. 😂
@@cc1k435 Yes! And it just keeps serving you and forcing you to eat.
😂🤘
It's exhausting enough to deal with narcissist individuals. Plus it's just not in my nature to do something that I know doesn't set well with me. I'll pass on stopping to their level. Thank you, Dr Ramani for the videos you've been a blessing in helping me maintain my santinty.
2 top favorite gaslighting phrases black mold uses
1. That never happened.
2. Everbody saw, heard, knows, etc. .
😂
Whenever I've done the intentional sarcastic lie to do a impression of them hoping they notice... I notice my tone match theirs suddenly and then remember this tone of theirs and then it becomes very obvious when they are lying.
I remember being on call once with my daughter and I could here my ex in the background talking to one of her care clients saying "No, no took your money, I think you just have a very active imagination", this ladies money was gone and I knew my ex was the type to do this also and this is what she would say to me when I would find anything out that had psychical evidence to go along with it.
Even now I get told to go and get help and not run away from it yet when going to places for "help" they tell me I'm dealing with a narcissistic women and don't believe her and yet she has it in her to make out I have the problem.
She was part of a cult and her father Elvin Mayo is well known for his actions and now my daughter lives with her and her mothers auntie, the other cult leader.
The system is setup to help women so much that they can get away with abuse and another level.
You matter ❤. Don't let or give the narcissist your mental and physical health. You deserve everything. ❤️❤️
I appreciate how you chose to say that even people who do not have an abusers mindset can also gaslight.
Although I do have to say, I get you do work with NPD, really I wish we, as a society as well, just call them what they are..ABUSERS who chose to abuse over and over and over again.
and of course they project and turn it around on the empathetic people..that is all part of their psychological/emotional/verbally twisted mind games. Half the time, an abuser like my mother, doesn't even know what it means..just as my father and brother.
You are beyond a life saver Dr. Ramani. Many times I wanted to gaslight the person but it ended up exhausting me. After listening to you I understand why
My comment at the beginning of the video is: Don't gaslight a gaslighter. They've had practice and are better at it, and you WILL lose.
Also, they don't believe the TRUE things you say about them. How can you get them to believe lies about them?
The only way to beat a narcissist is by going full no-contact
One of my fav videos from Dr R in a while (and i watch almost all of her contest, she the GOAT)
These videos are so helpful and it is so helpful knowing that being on the receiving end of this stuff is not just me. The problem with gaslighting the Gaslighter is you have to become a lesser person to engage in it and that is a price not worth paying.
You helped save my life. It's still difficult gray rocking, disengaging, and starting over. Thank you.
The golden child can gaslight the gaslighter with ease if they are aware of their own position within the dynamic. My brother has taken hold of the family and has been very successful by being complicit and then loading the gun but passing it to other family members to fire,
If your brother is like the Golden Child of my family, then I think Gaslighters can Gaslight each other. Those are the only times where I've ever seen my grandiose narcissstic parent apologize to anyone - when her Golden Child would DARVO her (your own medicine must be bitter-tasting) and she'd be fawning at my Sister within minutes to get back to homeostasis with her "precious baby".
i absolutely have no interest in gaslighting anyone lol, and it sounds like i'm on the right track, so i'll just say that i love that turtleneck sweater!!!! so fuzzy and fluffy!! I've got a housecoat and a hoodie of that same fuzziness, and it's just delightful to wear always.
😂👍 enjoying the lighter things in life again, ahhh such joy 😉
This is Diane Leclair from Vancouver BC Canada I want to order your new book because the course comes free with it .I hope to get more people interested in gaslighting then they are in the idea of narcissism I suppose it's because they don't understand the difference between basic healthy self-interest as opposed to these NPD people who love to control and make us think that we are crazy when all along they themselves are the crazy making manipulators of their evil projections on to us
Again. Have a wonderfull day!!!
My Narcissistic Sister has demons and constantly cuts me out of the family
Your right! I feel like gaslighting is so painful even my own councellour does gaslighting on me! i have been aware it ever since i been watching your channel for over 2 years
I don't know what I'd do without you ❤
With the costs of gas barely affordable, why would I want to waste precious resources for petty reasons?
I'm sorry to report people do that every day. 😂
I had a beauty of a gas lighting experience on Tuesday. I had been working for my daughter up until the 21st when she fired me. The reasons could be several but it's typical of her to be even more hostile around the holidays. But she called me on this past Tuesday to get me to help her with her two small children while she ran some errands. Because I know that she is horrible and a danger to the kids, I put my sense of justice and my pride aside and went to help her. I stayed for 7 hours. After she did her errands, she decided that she wanted to go shopping so she dropped my grandson and I off at the playground at the mall. She gave me directions as to where it was in the mall and some cash for admittance. She did not discuss where we would meet back up. I assumed that it would be in the same place that I was dropped off. At 3pm, I texted her and said that my grandson was tired and when can she pick us up. She said in about 5 minutes. I said good and where shall we meet - downstairs? At that point, I started to get my grandson ready and in the stroller to trek back through the mall to the parking garage. In the meantime at 3:08, she texted and I quote, "I can meet you on the upper level." But I didn't get it until I was already on the ground level. Eventually she did come down to get us. We all got in the van and got on the freeway and that is when she started her toxic, evil crap.
She started in grinding me as to why I didn't meet her at the upper level after we had discussed it when she dropped us off. She wanted to know where the failing in our communication was at, was it that I forgot, or was it that I deliberately didn't follow instructions? She kept on about it as if it was a huge event like I wrecked her car. I told her that she never mentioned where we would meet and she claimed that we did and around and around we went. So when I got home, I went back through the text messages and saw the text at 3:08, where she said that she "can" meet us up top. So I texted her: "If you already had it as your reality that you told me that you were picking me on the upper level, why did you text..." I never received a reply. I thought is was scary evil to invent a scenario and then accuse me of something that I didn't do just so that Miss toxic can blame me and grind me and cast me in a bad light of being either irresponsible, forgetful, or disagreeable. My daughter frightens me and I'm terrified for the welfare of my grandchildren.
I would stay in close contact with the grandchildren as they they really need you. You are the light that shines on them. Be there for them I know it must be hard that your daughter is such sad person and don't take any responsibility to her own actions. ❤
Some one else mentioned about being there for your grandkid/s. Which is a good plan. If they are old enough to comprehend and apply it, giving her phone number and contact details (address) and phone number that they can store somewhere- even if it is in secrete. No one should have to be underhanded or play games to do this, but let’s be honest the level playing ground is always tipped in favour to the antagonistic person. That way should anything unsavoury happen they have another adult who cares about them as a back up. Whether it be next week, next year or when they meet the teenage years. A safe place to just to touch base…. Or another option should ‘some time’ out be needed for the child. So many people turn a blind eye and sometimes thinks another friend or family member will or has step up…. Then it comes apparent that no one offered any support or help.
I agree. Two negatives don’t make a positive. Once one realizes what is going on, smartly shift away from them. It doesn’t matter if they miss you or not. You matter ❤
Doc, I’ve got a situation, this Sunday I’m supposed to go have brunch with my father-in-law, ok but I know my narc husband has been running his mouth about me to all his family his sisters will be there he is also a twin to one of his sisters they are all narcs , the only way I’ve considered going is taking my own vehicle, then my husband said that’s just weird. What do you think?
Thank you for this very timely reminder as I descend the stairs to deal with it. I sense a confrontation coming and as I was mentally preparing and practicing (lol we all do that💜), I momentarily contemplated the 'gaslighting' approach but my heart and soul truly isn't in it. Will save this video for next time though in case I'm not so sure...
I have at times wanted to tell my narcissist mom she has dementia when she rages at me. I can't do it though, because I know it would be a lie and also cruel. She has plenty of actual problematic behaviors I could call her out about without making up something. However, I've learned the hard way there is no point in confronting her about her actual bad acts unless I want a big taste of DARVO. The only way to handle people like this is walk away if you can.
You can make an example of a situation with a gaslighter and walk away. 🙏
In Thanksgiving: ( USA 🇺🇸) : btw: Doctor Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D.: ( awareness- mental health- information ℹ️ fabulous) : thank you 🙏: again: thank you 🙏
In Thanksgiving: ( USA 🇺🇸) : btw: The Presentation: ( Awareness- Mental Health- Information ℹ️ Fabulous) is wonderful: again: wonderful
Narcissism is someone’s coping mechanism for past trauma. I think i may be a super empath. Even though i have suffered at the hands of someone i believe has NPD, been gaslighted and more, my inner love tells me that i should forgive this person and try to help heal them. That is the part that hurts most. I know i can show this person the love, trust and kindness that they missed, but they are too set in their ways to let me in.
I think all of us who have been through the abuse do think about doing this at some point.
Narcisist can be such perfectionists that you can simply make them question past present and future tense USAGE of the term "gaslight", it throws them for such a loop, they as individuals or a group leave you alone for a few days to try and figure it out enough to continue hoovering.
I’m incapable of gaslighting anyone, let alone someone that’s been gaslighting me. When I’m confronted with something, panic physically overwhelms me because confrontation terrifies me. I can’t speak when this happens so I have to wait until the event is over and I’ve had a chance to recover from it.
From there my overly thoughtful, hyper empathetic nature takes over and I take the blame regardless of whether I did something wrong or not. If I did, after introspecting for hours, I’ll sincerely apologize and try to make things right.
If I didn’t but I’m scared of the abuse I’ll suffer if I try to confront my accuser/abuser I, very uncomfortably, insincerely apologize as convincingly as I can.
Thank you 😍
If you cant leave right away. Yes!!
I had so much fun when i learned to do it back.
Kept me sane.
But it felt wrong in the beginning as a good heart.
😂
It’s not good for your soul, but it’s good for surviving and becoming stronger.
I want to speak with on Zoom session how should I arrange it? I need your HELP! Will wait for your reply.
Thank you 😊👍✌️❤️🌈🌹🙏
Gosh I wish you were our family court mandated Coparenting counselor. She doesn’t even see through him and I was hoping she would. She lets him do this stuff to me multiple sessions already. I’ve tried denying his false accusations, defending myself, completely keeping quiet, keeping it simple and telling him no I never said that or no that never happened. Because it legitimately didn’t. And the more he gets away with it, the more he does it to me and the more I have to be subject to it. Even if I say please stop, I can’t get away from it because of family court. They end up believing him and I get told that Im not being accountable for what he says (which are piled lies). His voice turns my stomach. I’m really trying to keep my head up. Your videos at least help me understand it so I could try to deal with it better. ❤️
That was so enlightening! Thank you. I first thought, oh dear, why wouldn’t we give them a taste back…what’s with the lack of empowering survivors? Why do we always need to be such flowers? I want to be Wonderwoman! Do you have a younger sister who has a different mindset?😆
But once you explained it, I can see that their motives are totally different than mines/ours. They seek power and control over another. We do not. We simply want justice. Which we will receive. Divine justice. The universe has a way of balancing things out. It’s just beyond our control.
Btw, your make up is very lovely today, tan looks fresh and rosy which suits you and the eyes are delicately done and gorgeous. 👍💕
Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Can you please make a video on how to handle a boss who gaslights and is narcissistic? It would be very helpful. Thanks again. ❤
She has! Search previous videos
@M_SC Thank you. I will check for it.
I was immediately like "No, because you're better than that, and also because they will feel like you're starting a power struggle, and they will fight."
Should I ghost a ghoster? Yes
Recently I spit out all the poison to the actual toxic narcissist person in my life, and she admitted the facts and "apologized", but also said the usual bullshit narcissists say" If my words hurted you , I'm sorry, I am responsible for what I say but not for how you feel about what I say", and after that started spitting venom on me for all the things I did bad to her (in her twisted mind).
So after this talk I realized how selfish and ego centered this person was and all the affection and love which was left for her went to 100 to 3.
Now I'm finally ready to move on and forget such a toxic narcissist fake person and remove her from my life
Best is to totally ignore them..as they don’t exist!
I never seated to his GL. I recognize it, and let it go
I'm a month into a gaslighting episode, being on the receiving end from someone beloved. Now the problem is that the gas-lighter here is not aware that the one who is being gas-lighted already is aware of the fact and therefore the gas-lighting has no effect on me. So where does the quest of the gas-lighter actually end in case its victim does not give up? Is there a chance of patch-up between these, albeit after passage of some time?