Hey Clay. My ex broke up with me 11 weeks ago. I did two weeks NC and saw her in a coffee shop at lost it. I asked her to come back to me (no begging or pleading) but she refused. I have been giving her space and reaching out every two weeks or so since. We are at the stage where she is willing to meet, but is hesitant and says it wont bring her back to me so doesn't see the point. I have said it's as friends and not to worry... She seems agreeable to that. She said she doesn't want to upset me anymore, and friends might not work if she tells me she's seeing someone else.... Not sure if that means she's seeing someone or not, but it's irrelevant atm as I just want to go the friend route and build on the emotional connection to maybe bring her back... I believe she is avoidant as when things got a bit too serious she bolted...
Its crazy how I watched you in highschool exactly 10 years ago to get my ex back (which worked) but then life happened and we seperated, dated other people and reconnected. I now realize I want her back again and this time, for good. And here I am, 10 years later, watching your videos again. Thanks alot Clay!
@@ClayAndrewsofcourse we would remember clay, you're the one that gave us hope, and watching your videos is my coping mechanism after the breakup with my ex rn : (
True! I mistakenly went to no contact and things got MUUUCH WORSE! Before no contact he was in the stage "riding the dragon" after no contact he went to the very first stage where he wouldn´t even answer my messages... Honestly, without knowing, I put it much more difficult on myself.... And by the way, he never chased me when I was in no contact...Fortunately, I found Clay´s channel and now we are back to riding the dragon and going soon to the next stage... I am doing the work and he seems willing to try as well, so I have big hopes that we will make it at the end....
Man, after watching a lot of things on the internet I gotta say that your strategy makes most sense because it relies on both people communicating when they’re ready and if they both want to reestablish connection. No manipulations or tricks. We’ll see how it goes but it seems that instead of a breakup it was just a big argument. Thanks man.
right? its facts. hes not a snake oil salesman selling us on "no contact" or certain method. I like his methods alot. Some form of not being a robot and following a protocol. Every situation and people are maluable so its not a one size fits all method.
You're the best, Clay. My ex broke up with me about 4 months ago and I intuitively went no contact, but I was in so much pain since it was the best and healthiest relationship I've ever been in and I was totally blindsided by the breakup. At first I was skeptical about your approach but decided to give it a try, so after 2 months of NC I reached out to him. I felt he was kinda reluctant on our first dates so I was still skeptical, but it turns out the stages you describe seem to be pretty accurate... We've been reconnecting at an emotional level and on our last dates he was so clearly open and in love again, I'm really feeling like we're gonna get back together soon. Speaking in terms of attachment theory I could say he's more on the avoidant side and I'm more anxious, but we're both working on ourselves and if anything I believe this breakup could make our bond stronger. So now I came back to this video to get some insight on the last stages you describe and to thank you - a lot :) Just weeks ago I'd never guess I'd have him back to being all loving and tender, and had I stick to the NC bullshit I might actually never did.
Clay, it’s been almost two weeks since the breakup and I’m currently feeling the transition from the test drive to riding the dragon! We met up for the first time and there was a lot of smiling and giggling on her end. I really felt the emotional connection because she was so excited to tell me things that were going on in her life. She said she wants to get back together in the somewhat near future but wants us to work on ourselves. She is an avoidant so I think I am extremely lucky here considering how stubborn they can be sometimes. If anyone is reading this and is in a similar situation, my best advice is; listen to Clay, be the person they fell in love with at first, and trust the process!
I wish i came across your videos 3 months ago 😞 that stupid no contact rule put me further away with my ex. Now since im applying your advise, everything starting to get better 🙏
We were connecting and getting close... but it's never emotional or deep enough. I realize hes been closed off since the relationship even started. I can't figure out how to spend time with him and help his walls go down so we can connect. We were like at the end of Riding the Dragon and for some reason they're cold.. but they were never really warm either.. So I have no idea. It's LDR :( I feel hopeless
Thank you so much. Everywhere I’ve looked they’ve told me to do no contact but it just never felt right. I’m going to listen to your advice and ask them to hang out (just as friends) this weekend! Will come back to this comment in a few weeks or months when I’ve either moved on or we’ve gotten back together. My gut is telling me we will but I wanna make sure I do it right!
Some very good points here and insightful. Well done. One of the thing I take exception with is these videos are about what the other person needs to feel safe. When do we as dumpees get to have our needs met? At some point the person we’re trying to repair a relationship with has to come over to our side and give us some of the things we need to continue the process. If it is constantly about what they need to feel safe that is a bottomless black hole. At some point even someone doing the right things and meeting the other persons needs is going to say fuck this I’m done and give up. Then the emotionally confused person is like “where’d he go?? - why isn’t he pursuing??” Honestly - I’d like to hear from the perspective of what the confused dumper should be doing on the other side to regain our trust respect and make it worthwhile to even think about giving them another chance after all the confusing texts breadcrumbs hot cold behavior and the pain they have inflicted. At some point no matter how much each other care, it’s no longer worth the dog and pony show and the dumpee says I’m out and is gone for good. I totally understand some relationships should be left alone. But sometimes there is confusion and lingering feelings and it’s worth working on. The dumpee is always assumed to have F’d up somehow and that’s not always the case. Many times it is, but there are many good honest well meaning people who have been cast aside like trash who didn’t deserve it. The dumpee tends to suffer more and it always comes back to us and our responsibility to fix things. Blame lies on both sides in a relationship but The dumper took it away they should be the ones to do majority of the heavy lifting and put it back In an otherwise healthy decent relationship ….IFFFFF….it’s to be saved.
I've been with my wife for 20 years and married for 14 years. We have 4 children and we are separated. I would like to earn her back. And would like to take your advice. I just need some help to get through things. Explain some stuff to see whats going on besides this. Peace
I really compare to riding the dragon fase so many mixed feelings she shows one day she loves me one day she wants distance. Then she asking questions again. Yesterday she texted me often suddenly and then out of nowhere she says I want no contact because I’m dreaming about you with another girl and it’s not good for her mental health.. the same night she texted me “I’m sitting so deep” and “nevermind sorry for texting” haven’t heard from her since 2days ago any advice?
Hey Clay! Commenting first to get ready for your video today. Thank you for all your videos as they're very helpful. I wanted to ask if you have any advice about my current situation. My gf of 3.5 yrs broke up with me March 2nd. It came outta left field. I haven't heard from her since, only bread crumbs from mutual friends. I reached out a couple times early on saying the door is open and I'm working on myself but idk what else to do. Idk if we will ever talk again or she just needs more space. I'm worries the more space between us the more she will never come back. I've really enjoyed working on myself and becoming a better person but I still miss my best friend.
They don't know what they want And you can't do much about it either 😅 They are confusing themselves with keeping hidden options, even when they have been caring in the relationship they are sabotaging it. Looking for the way out.
I went through all of this with my ex (5 1/2 years together, monogamous). He monkey branched, and 4 months later we started dating again, but he was still dating his rebound. (I knew this) They were calling it a "friends with benefits" relationship, and he wasn't giving her up. I got false hope that him and I starting to date again was going to make him want to be with just me, and that we could have a fresh start. But in the end, he wasn't going to give her up, and he said that he realizes that just one person isn't going to be all the things he needs, and he wants non-monogamous relationships now. (Seems like she got into his head with the whole idea). And he said he wanted me to "share" him with her. I ended up cutting it off. Went no contact 2 months ago, and he's starting to reach out, but I'm just being cordial and am meeting him on the energy level that he's giving me. I'm so lost with everything. Don't even know if they're still together, and don't know what to do. I'm just taking it one day at a time for now, I guess.
Hey there Clay, my question is if my ex and I have been apart for a year and he is supposedly back with his ex prior , why would he be offering to help me with my business and sending me a gift ?
They did shut down. Because they are a cheaters. Wanting to explore new options and dating other people. But provoking and using the argument as an excuse for breaking up.
It's are for you to be seen as a friend if you're an ex they had a really good relationship with and loved. You're also only dropping the pressure for the time being, while you grow the positive feelings back. Once you have a better connection reestablished, you'll want to start flirting and the likes to make it more romantic.
@@markai2002 that’s a waste of time. You just have to be there and follow their intentions. As friendship they would want to have the cake and eat it too. Believe me
@@benithacalloway8286 Why would I believe you instead of a relationship coach with years of experience? If your ex did that, then that's truly terrible, but not all situations are the same, and Clay's advice has given me success.
Would you say 3 months is too long to wait to reignite with an ex? We haven’t shared any communications since the BU but have plans to potentially meet in a few weeks
She broke up 3 months ago i took her for granted i only sent 1 hello text after 1 month she was angry another hello text after second months she was angry now another month went by what to do how long shes going to be angry i didnt beg cry i did work on myself cause yes i had to be better... I put more details in comment section thx
@@benithacalloway8286 Please tell how ignoring someone will make them want to have a new relationship with you 💀 Will they miss you? Sure. Will that repair the hurt that is keeping them from connecting with you? No. It's really simple.
she broke up after 3 1/2 years to make experiences. i gave her space and went into meditation and spirituality to fix some broken abilities i had from my childhood. one month later she said she had sex with someone else because it was just easy going (we had troubles here for a long time) but she knows now, that she needs love to have sex. she says that she loves me more than anything and that i am family to her but at the same time she feels free now. i try just to be there for her and talk to her but not in a pushy way, she still has her space but its hurting me a lot and messing up my good/bad energy. its like she/we went through 4 of those 5 stages in a single week now. its exactly 8 days that we have contact again, we met and talked a lot, cried a lot, opened up in a totally new way. she also hopes that we find back together but she feels lost and confused atm. what shall i do? :(
If they don't want to connect or text at all when you reach out, they're probably an avoidant. I know reaching out within the first one to two weeks after I, an FA, cut everything off is honestly very horrible advice.
Clay, your videos give me hope. This crisis point combined with no contact is so scary! I feel like I’m losing him. In my situation I broke up with him. We remained close and talking on the phone for 6 months. When I approached getting together he had an initial backing off, but then warmed back up. Things were going really well. I wasn’t putting pressure on him and letting things unfold naturally. We had been connecting emotionally and laughing too, like we always had.. Work got busy for him and I took it the wrong way. Add in the crisis point to the mix. (Tho work could just have been crisis point in disguise) I reacted emotionally and did everything you’re not supposed to do. In my mind it felt like the tables had turned and now he was breaking up with me. Abandonment stuff got triggered and I panicked. Now we are not speaking at all. It all came out of nowhere. I guess I’m doing “no contact” now, but I’m truly using the time to work on myself with self help books, therapy, and meditation. I’m afraid there is no hope. I think NC is appropriate for us both to get space from what has felt like a cloud of drama. Is there any coming back from this? (Sorry for the long comment - no expectations on a reply)
Next check out this video on connecting emotionally with your ex: th-cam.com/video/iii7l2nS1a4/w-d-xo.html
Hey Clay. My ex broke up with me 11 weeks ago. I did two weeks NC and saw her in a coffee shop at lost it. I asked her to come back to me (no begging or pleading) but she refused. I have been giving her space and reaching out every two weeks or so since. We are at the stage where she is willing to meet, but is hesitant and says it wont bring her back to me so doesn't see the point. I have said it's as friends and not to worry... She seems agreeable to that. She said she doesn't want to upset me anymore, and friends might not work if she tells me she's seeing someone else.... Not sure if that means she's seeing someone or not, but it's irrelevant atm as I just want to go the friend route and build on the emotional connection to maybe bring her back... I believe she is avoidant as when things got a bit too serious she bolted...
@@rideoutlondon I’m in a similar situation , how did it turn out ? Can you please lmk
@@Anjinmo9284 Badly I wasn’t emotionally there to be her friend so we are not talking atm
Its crazy how I watched you in highschool exactly 10 years ago to get my ex back (which worked) but then life happened and we seperated, dated other people and reconnected. I now realize I want her back again and this time, for good. And here I am, 10 years later, watching your videos again. Thanks alot Clay!
I’m honored that you would even remember me from that long ago!
That’s a good story. How’s it it going?
@@ClayAndrewsofcourse we would remember clay, you're the one that gave us hope, and watching your videos is my coping mechanism after the breakup with my ex rn : (
This makes a lot more sense than "oh yeah, just go no contact. Say nothing forever and theyll chase you".
True! I mistakenly went to no contact and things got MUUUCH WORSE! Before no contact he was in the stage "riding the dragon" after no contact he went to the very first stage where he wouldn´t even answer my messages... Honestly, without knowing, I put it much more difficult on myself.... And by the way, he never chased me when I was in no contact...Fortunately, I found Clay´s channel and now we are back to riding the dragon and going soon to the next stage... I am doing the work and he seems willing to try as well, so I have big hopes that we will make it at the end....
Man, after watching a lot of things on the internet I gotta say that your strategy makes most sense because it relies on both people communicating when they’re ready and if they both want to reestablish connection. No manipulations or tricks. We’ll see how it goes but it seems that instead of a breakup it was just a big argument. Thanks man.
right? its facts. hes not a snake oil salesman selling us on "no contact" or certain method. I like his methods alot. Some form of not being a robot and following a protocol. Every situation and people are maluable so its not a one size fits all method.
You're the best, Clay. My ex broke up with me about 4 months ago and I intuitively went no contact, but I was in so much pain since it was the best and healthiest relationship I've ever been in and I was totally blindsided by the breakup. At first I was skeptical about your approach but decided to give it a try, so after 2 months of NC I reached out to him. I felt he was kinda reluctant on our first dates so I was still skeptical, but it turns out the stages you describe seem to be pretty accurate... We've been reconnecting at an emotional level and on our last dates he was so clearly open and in love again, I'm really feeling like we're gonna get back together soon. Speaking in terms of attachment theory I could say he's more on the avoidant side and I'm more anxious, but we're both working on ourselves and if anything I believe this breakup could make our bond stronger. So now I came back to this video to get some insight on the last stages you describe and to thank you - a lot :) Just weeks ago I'd never guess I'd have him back to being all loving and tender, and had I stick to the NC bullshit I might actually never did.
Update??
Clay, it’s been almost two weeks since the breakup and I’m currently feeling the transition from the test drive to riding the dragon! We met up for the first time and there was a lot of smiling and giggling on her end. I really felt the emotional connection because she was so excited to tell me things that were going on in her life. She said she wants to get back together in the somewhat near future but wants us to work on ourselves. She is an avoidant so I think I am extremely lucky here considering how stubborn they can be sometimes. If anyone is reading this and is in a similar situation, my best advice is; listen to Clay, be the person they fell in love with at first, and trust the process!
this is so accurate it's crazy...
I wish i came across your videos 3 months ago 😞 that stupid no contact rule put me further away with my ex. Now since im applying your advise, everything starting to get better 🙏
We were connecting and getting close... but it's never emotional or deep enough. I realize hes been closed off since the relationship even started. I can't figure out how to spend time with him and help his walls go down so we can connect. We were like at the end of Riding the Dragon and for some reason they're cold.. but they were never really warm either.. So I have no idea. It's LDR :( I feel hopeless
Thank you so much. Everywhere I’ve looked they’ve told me to do no contact but it just never felt right. I’m going to listen to your advice and ask them to hang out (just as friends) this weekend! Will come back to this comment in a few weeks or months when I’ve either moved on or we’ve gotten back together. My gut is telling me we will but I wanna make sure I do it right!
Update?
@@jamiekelly6518SHES GOT DUMPED AGAIN 10X
Some very good points here and insightful. Well done. One of the thing I take exception with is these videos are about what the other person needs to feel safe. When do we as dumpees get to have our needs met? At some point the person we’re trying to repair a relationship with has to come over to our side and give us some of the things we need to continue the process. If it is constantly about what they need to feel safe that is a bottomless black hole. At some point even someone doing the right things and meeting the other persons needs is going to say fuck this I’m done and give up. Then the emotionally confused person is like “where’d he go?? - why isn’t he pursuing??” Honestly - I’d like to hear from the perspective of what the confused dumper should be doing on the other side to regain our trust respect and make it worthwhile to even think about giving them another chance after all the confusing texts breadcrumbs hot cold behavior and the pain they have inflicted. At some point no matter how much each other care, it’s no longer worth the dog and pony show and the dumpee says I’m out and is gone for good. I totally understand some relationships should be left alone. But sometimes there is confusion and lingering feelings and it’s worth working on. The dumpee is always assumed to have F’d up somehow and that’s not always the case. Many times it is, but there are many good honest well meaning people who have been cast aside like trash who didn’t deserve it. The dumpee tends to suffer more and it always comes back to us and our responsibility to fix things. Blame lies on both sides in a relationship but The dumper took it away they should be the ones to do majority of the heavy lifting and put it back In an otherwise healthy decent relationship ….IFFFFF….it’s to be saved.
The no contact is really effective I done it less than 30days thanks very much
I've been with my wife for 20 years and married for 14 years. We have 4 children and we are separated. I would like to earn her back. And would like to take your advice. I just need some help to get through things. Explain some stuff to see whats going on besides this. Peace
I really compare to riding the dragon fase so many mixed feelings she shows one day she loves me one day she wants distance. Then she asking questions again. Yesterday she texted me often suddenly and then out of nowhere she says I want no contact because I’m dreaming about you with another girl and it’s not good for her mental health.. the same night she texted me “I’m sitting so deep” and “nevermind sorry for texting” haven’t heard from her since 2days ago any advice?
Hey Clay! Commenting first to get ready for your video today. Thank you for all your videos as they're very helpful. I wanted to ask if you have any advice about my current situation. My gf of 3.5 yrs broke up with me March 2nd. It came outta left field. I haven't heard from her since, only bread crumbs from mutual friends. I reached out a couple times early on saying the door is open and I'm working on myself but idk what else to do. Idk if we will ever talk again or she just needs more space. I'm worries the more space between us the more she will never come back. I've really enjoyed working on myself and becoming a better person but I still miss my best friend.
Never tell your ex you’re working on yourself. They’ll know. Give her silence of no contact also to friends and family
They don't know what they want And you can't do much about it either 😅
They are confusing themselves with keeping hidden options, even when they have been caring in the relationship they are sabotaging it. Looking for the way out.
Yep fearful disorder
Love to swe a video on how to handle each stage
I went through all of this with my ex (5 1/2 years together, monogamous). He monkey branched, and 4 months later we started dating again, but he was still dating his rebound. (I knew this) They were calling it a "friends with benefits" relationship, and he wasn't giving her up. I got false hope that him and I starting to date again was going to make him want to be with just me, and that we could have a fresh start. But in the end, he wasn't going to give her up, and he said that he realizes that just one person isn't going to be all the things he needs, and he wants non-monogamous relationships now. (Seems like she got into his head with the whole idea). And he said he wanted me to "share" him with her. I ended up cutting it off.
Went no contact 2 months ago, and he's starting to reach out, but I'm just being cordial and am meeting him on the energy level that he's giving me. I'm so lost with everything. Don't even know if they're still together, and don't know what to do. I'm just taking it one day at a time for now, I guess.
Hey there Clay, my question is if my ex and I have been apart for a year and he is supposedly back with his ex prior , why would he be offering to help me with my business and sending me a gift ?
He wants to connect with you. He’s not over you.
They did shut down. Because they are a cheaters. Wanting to explore new options and dating other people. But provoking and using the argument as an excuse for breaking up.
Hey clay
Dropping the emotional pressure don’t you think that may make them comfortable to keep you on a Frien zone
Or the Far Zone 🤣
It's are for you to be seen as a friend if you're an ex they had a really good relationship with and loved. You're also only dropping the pressure for the time being, while you grow the positive feelings back. Once you have a better connection reestablished, you'll want to start flirting and the likes to make it more romantic.
@@Photo-ms1mo yep 😀
@@markai2002 that’s a waste of time. You just have to be there and follow their intentions. As friendship they would want to have the cake and eat it too. Believe me
@@benithacalloway8286 Why would I believe you instead of a relationship coach with years of experience? If your ex did that, then that's truly terrible, but not all situations are the same, and Clay's advice has given me success.
Would you say 3 months is too long to wait to reignite with an ex? We haven’t shared any communications since the BU but have plans to potentially meet in a few weeks
3 months is definitely not too long. To be honest no amount of time is too much, and less than 3 months can be too soon a lot of times
@@Jakuboooooooooo well said. Feeling positive about this!
@@Unxpektedhow did it go?
She broke up 3 months ago i took her for granted i only sent 1 hello text after 1 month she was angry another hello text after second months she was angry now another month went by what to do how long shes going to be angry i didnt beg cry i did work on myself cause yes i had to be better...
I put more details in comment section thx
You broke no contact that’s why. Go back to no contact and give it time
@@benithacalloway8286 No offense but you give the worst advice, please avoid doing that
@@markai2002 elaborate please. Correct me
@@benithacalloway8286 Please tell how ignoring someone will make them want to have a new relationship with you 💀 Will they miss you? Sure. Will that repair the hurt that is keeping them from connecting with you? No.
It's really simple.
@@markai2002 psychology found that space distance make human forget the bad part
she broke up after 3 1/2 years to make experiences. i gave her space and went into meditation and spirituality to fix some broken abilities i had from my childhood. one month later she said she had sex with someone else because it was just easy going (we had troubles here for a long time) but she knows now, that she needs love to have sex. she says that she loves me more than anything and that i am family to her but at the same time she feels free now. i try just to be there for her and talk to her but not in a pushy way, she still has her space but its hurting me a lot and messing up my good/bad energy. its like she/we went through 4 of those 5 stages in a single week now. its exactly 8 days that we have contact again, we met and talked a lot, cried a lot, opened up in a totally new way. she also hopes that we find back together but she feels lost and confused atm. what shall i do? :(
If they don't want to connect or text at all when you reach out, they're probably an avoidant. I know reaching out within the first one to two weeks after I, an FA, cut everything off is honestly very horrible advice.
They may just not want to be with you. It doesn't make them avoidant.
Clay, your videos give me hope. This crisis point combined with no contact is so scary! I feel like I’m losing him.
In my situation I broke up with him.
We remained close and talking on the phone for 6 months. When I approached getting together he had an initial backing off, but then warmed back up.
Things were going really well. I wasn’t putting pressure on him and letting things unfold naturally. We had been connecting emotionally and laughing too, like we always had.. Work got busy for him and I took it the wrong way. Add in the crisis point to the mix. (Tho work could just have been crisis point in disguise) I reacted emotionally and did everything you’re not supposed to do. In my mind it felt like the tables had turned and now he was breaking up with me. Abandonment stuff got triggered and I panicked.
Now we are not speaking at all. It all came out of nowhere. I guess I’m doing “no contact” now, but I’m truly using the time to work on myself with self help books, therapy, and meditation.
I’m afraid there is no hope. I think NC is appropriate for us both to get space from what has felt like a cloud of drama.
Is there any coming back from this?
(Sorry for the long comment - no expectations on a reply)
That's an unrealistic advice to say the least 🙄
How so?
Because what Clay says it will just push your Ex further away in 90% of cases