5 Stages of Getting Back Together with Your Ex
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 เม.ย. 2018
- Go to relationshipinnergame.com to get help and advice with your relationship.
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Today, we are talking about the 5 Stages of Getting Back Together with Your Ex.
These stages cover the broad emotional range that your ex experiences during the process of reuniting with you.
The important thing to keep an eye on here is your ex's emotional reactance, which is their emotional resistance to interacting with you.
As their reactance changes, you'll notice that their responses and behaviors start to change too.
The lower their reactance becomes the more confused they get, and the more more their confusion decreases, the more likely they are to want to get back together with you.
Watch this video to learn about this strange meaning behind your ex's emotional state - แนวปฏิบัติและการใช้ชีวิต
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Hi Clay! Thanks for posting this up! When you were discussing the riding the dragon and crisis point, my mouth literally formed the letter "O", as I now understood why my ex was so hot and cold about 2 months ago, and recently we're most probably in the crisis point.
How i came to the realization that we were at the crisis point was, about a few days ago, there had been instances where I would bring up the topic of being back together. He still had the resistances. Giving a lot of reasons saying: I'm not the man for you coz i'm not good enough for you. We're living different worlds, yours is fast paced, I'm slow paced. We have different lifestyles. We have different circle of friends (Coz I'm outgoing, and he isn't). We'll just clash if we get back together again. You can date other men, I don't want to get your hopes up. I want you to be happy, in which on the latter 2 things, I said to him that, I wanted him, not anybody else. It even came to the point that he said that 'i'm letting you go". But after a few hours, he reached out, and we kept talking again.
We've been talking about 10 months now after we broke up almost a year ago. Our progression I can say is really slow. Probably because, he still wants to take his time since he is slow paced in things because he wants to be sure of himself. When we started talking about a 1 month and a few weeks of no contact after we broke up, i thought, we were just re-establishing the friendship that we lost before we were a couple. Well, things lead to another, the spark and emotional connection was still there, and it just got more intense as time passed by.
I really agree with you Clay that you just have to enjoy each other's company, and maintain the emotional connection, rather than the outcome. More importantly while I'm on this journey, I'm working on myself to be a better version of myself. :) Because if all else fails, and he doesn't realize how great it would be on getting back together, at least it won't sting too much, and I can move forward with things with my chin up high.. out of his life.
Yeah, a lot of people get really confused by that sort of thing, but when you understand the emotions, it all makes sense.
Thank you for posting your detailed story. I can now see this is going to be a long process and I'll have to be patient.
@@ClayAndrews hey clay im in a situation were my wife has separated from me she left like 2 months ago the first week she left it was confusing for her, but she got thru her coping qith us being separated. its a long story but our current situation now is we talk on the phone sometimes maybe once a day on average and texting seems what she perfers were she tells me she loves me just showing signs of affection but we had dates we went out together and recently we engaged in sex i dont call her and hound her our beg i just try to creat positive connections like you say. my problem is our encounters always mostly be no longer then 2 hrs and since she moved she hasnt spent the night 1 time is this normal far as being part of the stages
Hi Diana, I hope things are going well for you. Did you feel a huge difference to shift from The Riding The Dragon to The Crisis Point? Do you believe that your exe's signals can still be a bit mixed in The Crisis Point?
Diana Marie Zaulda. Diana. Are youf a filipina? I am only asking, because my wife of 10 years is. I think we are somewhere between stage 3-4. It vacillates.. I was never physically abusive... never cheated on her. We were mostly happy i would say 95% . She had always went to her Filipino parties out of town, even spent the night with her friend and husband as I worked every weekend 12 hour nights and I was ok with it.....Until 5 years ago or so. She started talking about this young man (who is a player, I know I have spoken with him after our initial issue.). She would mention him frequently. She would name drop and say with a grin... “He is such a dick”. I finally asked her after taking it for about two weeks... do you have a crush on this guy? She laughed at me and asked If i was jealous...i ssid maybe a little. Anyway long story short she continued saying she was doing nothing wrong. I became insecure. I sound a lot like your man. I now understand I had nothing to worry about it. Other things happened of course... justed wanted to reach out to you to see if he and I have any common issues
man as a kid i thought love was so easy, "its just a feeling." When i got older i realized that , that one feeling is actually every feeling , multiplied by 2 and ur on a one way street going the wrong way.
Stage One: 05:00 The "Wall of Reactance" - Give them time. Don't start surface-level conversation. Make sure it's connecting and engaging.
Stage Two: 09:00 The "Test Drive" - Focus on the connection, not getting back into a relationship. Don't let them think you have a hidden agenda
Stage Three: 13:00 "Riding The Dragon" - DO NOT GET PULLED INTO THEIR EMOTIONAL CONFUSSION. Understand they are confused, stay focused on what you want, keep building the connection, keep beating down the reactance, and build up the positive emotions towards your ex.
Stage Four: 16:37 The "Crisis Point" - Very little resistance left. They can't deny it. They don't feel emotionally ready. External factors could be affecting their judgment. They want to make sure they're making the right choice. They want you to make the choice for them. STAY FOCUSED! ONLY at THIS POINT, tell them that you want to be with them. ONLY AT THISSSSSSS POINT!!!!!! It will force them to confront what they actually want, which is to continue to build the strong connection between you and so they know that it will not be a mistake.
Stage Five: 21:30 "New Beginnings" - May have concerns; "What's going to be different?" Now you can directly talk about how you can make it work for the long term and make it successful. Make them feel comfortable and excited about being back together with you! :)
Remember: have QUALITY EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS WITH THEM. EMOTIONAL CONNECTION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!! PERIOD!
You're Welcome ;)
Thanks for summary, Alpha AF Music :-)
Clay Andrews no problem, I’m trying to get my ex back🤙🏽
Clay Andrews I take it back, I found someone better lol
But during the process of working on myself to get my ex back, I REALLY improved myself. The new girl that I started dating is a lot more fun than my ex. We’ll see where this goes👍🏽😉
This is awesome - my ex And i are at riding the dragon and crisis point but he is being pretty cruel - telling me he has no sexual feelings and just isn’t feeling it and loves me but in a different way. He is also depending on my financially bc he is not working so I am his “best friend and family” helping him and he keeps insisting there is nothing more - and then being really brutal about it - he drinks and then says horrible things about me that aren’t true that just cause distance and destroy the good times - I am trying to cut it off and let him have a come to Jesus moment. Not sure if that’s the right thing bc we are amazing together - but it’s like I dont want to accept abusive behavior. Ugh it’s def he is at crisis point !!!
Thanks for the summary. My ex and I are at the New Beginning stage. We're working on making things better and not repeating past mistakes
My ex and I officially got back together last night (Valentine's Day)😆 After 5 months post-breakup. We were together for 3 years. I focused on working on myself since he left. I guess he went through this entire spectrum of emotion before finally confessing his feelings days ago. Thank goodness, I dodged that reactance phase because I didn't fight the breakup and watched TH-cam videos instead of contacting him 😂
Congrats girl! What did you do while working on yourself? I'm hoping for the same outcome with my person 💖
@@kikideesttcjourney8310 Thank You! Well, the breakup wasn't easy to handle but I made sure he didn't see how messed up I was😂. He'll know you cried but don't let him see it, even if you hear that he's gone on dates with other people. I made new friends and engaged in different activities. I did things to make me feel better as a whole. Bought some new clothes, started going to the gym, hung out with friends at events, became more focused at work, etc. I even had therapy to help with my depression. I have lost 5kgs so far, since the breakup and I feel more attractive than I was even before I knew him. Even though you won't interact with your ex much, they WILL notice those changes in you. His friends would see how you've upgraded and tell your ex about it. He will see how other guys notice you and he will start to fear that he might lose you forever if he doesn't commit to you. He will then start to reach out to you and ask to see you more. When he does see you, he will feel more attracted to you and start to doubt his decision. That's basically the gist of it. It was a gradual process that took about 5 months for me. I'm still working on myself, even though we're back together. And make sure you're NOT doing all this for him but for YOURSELF. It's easier that way because it will feel more natural and he will not think you're faking it. That way, even if he hasn't asked to be with you again, you know he will miss out on being with an awesome version of you :)
haha after the first month i did that 2!!!! learned alot and making progress with myself love it alsosaying these likewise situation amazing :) :)
Wish I would have
I was not taking no for answer
Now 5 days I’m tired
Been a year I been trying to fix it
Me time his loss😔😔
I think my ex is at 200% reactance
I told you a million times not to exaggerate.
😂😂😂😂
My ex is on a whole other level of reactance
Love your sense of humour and find your videos incredibly helpful, thank you!
it’s creepy and so interesting how ACCURATE this is
Thanks for your feedback, Daniela. :-)
I'm at exes house now.
@@WilliamLeadbetter 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Did u boneeee her
Well, how did it go?
@@lr4569 he prolly did
Get out of there runnnnnnnnnnnn
Hey Clay I absolutely LOVE your channel! I'm at Stage 2 at the moment I was at Stage 1 through August now I'm at Stage 2... slowly trying to get to Stage 3...
did it work
Wow now that's what I call a volume! Nice 👌👍😊 and loud and lovely!
Your videos are the way advice should be given. There is an intelligent rational, and it really helps in understanding how to approach these types of situations we go through. Thanks!
Thanks, Dee. We truly appreciate your positive feedback. :-)
I believe my ex and I are at the crisis stage.. I pray everything goes well. ♥️
Being at the Crisis Stage can still be a bit vulnerable. Just be aware not to push him back towards the Wall of Reactance. Take things one step at a time while focusing on having a positive connection. All the best.
Sooo how did it go??
Update?
I'm literally going through this right now. Where's that roll your eyes emote. Very draining. Thank you for this much much appreciated. God bless 🙏 .
Omg lurking through your channel makes me realize that we were on crisis point then I went away for awhile 🤧🤧
Thank you! This Is the best video I have seen in these 1.5 Months since my breakup!! 🙌🏼
You're so welcome! Glad it helped. :-)
You are a genius! Your information is so accurate! Thank you for sharing 🙏🏾
You're welcome, Tashia. Your positive feedback is truly appreciated. :-)
Wow. This is spot on. Thank you for your guidance.☺️
You're welcome,Kaushalya. Glad that you were able to relate on our video. :-)
Very well explained
It feels like my ex is wobbling back and forth between stages “riding the dragon” and “crisis point”. She has said: she isn’t ready, I should see other girls, it’s too soon, she doesn’t want to lead me on, maybe we should be friends, I can’t lose you, she hopes the breakup wasn’t a mistake.
My ex is in the 20-40 stage right now. She is/was seeing someone else but has told me that he is boring and that she misses the times we had together. She has been reminiscing about us a lot lately. This video is helping me, thanks!
Hi Richard, it's great to hear that you were able to relate to our videos. Though your ex may have mentioned that she misses your time together, don;t forget to work on the Advanced Relational Skills still as that will help both of you to built a healthier dynamics. All the best. :-)
We broke up 9 months back. We had been through a lot of ups and downs ever since. I was tired of his hot and cold behavior. Now recently he told me that he can only be friends with me and that he is frustrated that I still like him and that he is not interested in me and that he has moved on and wish I move on too. But he has agreed to be friends with me and wrote to me “always only” friends. I think I have lost him and hurting so bad.
I can feel how painful this breakup is for you. Right now, your ex is not at the same emotional level as you. Whatever he is saying is coming from that place of emotional level. You can work on emotional connection to guide him to the same emotional level as you.
Clay; you seriously know your stuff I had no idea I was in the right track of possibly getting my ex back just yesterday no lie I realized that we were at the “ crisis stage” and I was very direct with not wanting anyone but her because she’s is absolutely the love of my life and there is no one else when you know you know. And she was honestly receptive of hearing what I had to say usually she turns very cold when I express my love and deep conversations with her but she actually engaged in the conversation yesterday we have been broke up 8 months we were together for 4 yrs she was my fiancé and still is the love of my life our relationship ended due to a lack of communication and I honestly feels like she’s battling being with me for the sake of what ppl would have to say but I could careless... now to establish step 5
Clay, your info is excellent
I needed to see this, wish I had seen it sooner,
Hi there, it's never too late to learn things even if it didn't happen sooner. You still have the present moment to make a change in your life. :-)
Excellent video thank u very much. I saw my situation. In the crisis point i decided to not talk with him anymore. He hurt me very badly. I think that he wants me but a the same time he permits that other person influence in his decision.
Clay Andrews thank you so much for this vid and the one about compatibility I feel like you saved my life
You are very much welcome, Jacob. Glad that our vids and course have helped you a lot in your journey. :-)
she already has 2 guys she playing with ..why would she ever want to
come back. but she did tell my friend i hope one day when i am ready to
talk to her as friend . and that she will never go back to our
relationship. she wants me to be n hr life as friends . she made it
clear . she is younger than me. she hit a stage in her life where she
needed to explore . i had to let her go . and yes i am suffering
this cleared my head thank you
Glad to hear that our video had resonated with you, Mekiko. :-)
Clay, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we went through a bad break up over communication. We tried to stay friends and roommates for 3 months, I wish I saw this video during this stage. Because I think I was over barring and made his level go from 30 percent to 85 90 percent. On Christmas I found out he gifted another girl a necklace and walked out. When he returned home and when we hung out when he was drunk he was saying maybe I should date or see others. He seems to be stretching his way of seeing me. I tend to get emotional and he says I’m crazy . After watching your video I’m trying to give him more space and text him differently. I am still getting one word responses.
I hope to try and get back on track, I truly love him . He did go with me to take my car to the shop so he shows very little that he cares. I just want to move forward and try to do the right things to at least save our friendship and would love to get him back but positive on both ends.
This guy knows his shit !!!!
very very realistic !!!
Thanks alot for awesome video !!!
Thank you!
You are very welcome my friend. Actually I took notes from your amazing video and even showed my notes to couple of friends and they really liked it because it all make sense in real life.
This video is realistic because it is not based on two extreme ideas of
1) "no contact" makes the other party miss you
or
2) out of sight, out of mind....
It is a balance and life should be a balance !
Really liked this video!
Clay Andrews was
Bonjour p
Damn right I want her back
Hey Eric, sounds like a commitment and determination you have there. :-)
Clay, ur description or my ex's behaviour is spot on (mixed messages, changing mind, etc) Glad you reminded me not to get pulled into that. ! I am riding dragon at the mo and would say 55% reactance. :-)BTW you are v different kind of rel'ship advisor on youtube - genuine, sympatique, pleasant delivery, not like one of those wanna be cool guys !
Thanks for the kind words, Luci. :-) We truly appreciate that. Glad that our videos have helped you on your journey as well. All the best.
THIS is great!
Thanks Stephan!
Hi Clay, what do you do if after a 6 month relationship you did 2 weeks NC, were in the riding the dragon stage after breakup, sent the letter (really regret it now) and now are in the wall of reactance and he wont respond to my messages. any help would be great. Thanks :)
You are by far the best "break up" youtuber out there. I'm in a complex situation. We had a great relationship but broke up because of some things. Those have been forgiven. A week ago she told me she was living with her new bf. Since then they have broken up (yes in the last week) and we have maintained contact. She moved out 2 days ago and we have been texting lightly. It goes warm to cold, she will be in pleasant text convo but if I mention something a little too emotionally connected (like why I asked what colors she likes best on me) she will pull back and reply with a thumbs up emoji. Though prior there was talking about how she is doing in her transition through the current breakup. Hearing someone talk about the genuine confusing I know she is feeling (she has said part of her wants to say we can try again, she will always have admiration for me, I'm not the only one who feels we still have a connecting). Thank for being logical and helping me to know I need to allow her emotions to unfold.
Hi friend, do you need help to get your ex back to you??????
Watzap him now………………….
±2348073317460⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break-up.,.
My ex girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago. She has some mental health issues that get bad during the spring, and along with the virus thing right now, she’s just at a bad spot. We never had trust issues, cheating, or fighting. She ended it because she just has to focus on herself right now to make sure she’s safe. I’m confident that she still has feelings for me and loves me. We dated for six months. Her friends and family loved me as mine did her as well. I don’t know what to do in order to get her back.
wow same exact boat here 😔 pls give any updates
I hope you respond to my comment. I know this video was posted awhile ago. I am in the second stage. I ended our last conversation saying I had plans and it was nice talking to him because he was giving me short answers. Should I wait for him to reach out ? I dont want to annoy him
thank you so much man
Very good video. THANKS
we’re at stage 3 -> 4
Hi so based on what you have said it feels like I'm in the crisis point...i.e. he is in constant contact (him initiating mainly)..being affectionate with pet names hugs and kisses on and also more open. however i am concerned that I am being put in the so called friend zone. he has mentioned bout women checking him out or flirting with him (which later he told me it was a friend that he went out for drinks with)..or everytime i mention a male acquaintance his reaction has always been if i am sure it is just a friend etc. i am unsure if this is still the crisis point or is he labelling me as a friend ( as he has called us this before)??? what do i do?
Look eventually there will come a time when he has to make a choice between you and other women. if you are making progress though, then why don't you just keep making progress and not worry about the external things? Maybe he won't want to let those girls go if you talk about you're male friends, because he doesn't know if things between you and him will work out... maybe he watches dating sites and gets annoyed by the fact that you talk about other guys. or maybe the fact is that he talks about other girls in an attempt to make you jealous or something stupid like that. Either way, its pointless to over-analyze, and if you ARE making progress then just keep doing that and take all these external things with a grain of salt. If he is trying to make you jealous though then in my opinion you should feel very flattered that he's going through all that unnecessary bs to impress you.
Its not about a hunt or settle to easy.. No no no... Think of it like this: what makes you fall in love with a women or man? 1. Its feminimity or masculinity 2. Its charm, they need to find that they are drawn to you, that your energy is exciting and that you speaking honestly not walls to protect.. Men and women is not that different.. Figure this stuff up and just go with it.
Mind blowing information
It has to be best I have heard
My ex girlfriend has kept ringing me / texting overall a good feel to it
I said do you want to go for a coffee haven't heard from her
I don't think I stepped out of line but now think it may have been to early
I haven't contacted her either not because I am stubborn just feel I'm in limbo
She knows I'm a good guy but she has loads of options pretty girl
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@Clay Andrews Opinions of getting back with a possessive ex boyfriend? Ive been stuck at the Crisis Point/ New Beginnings stage for many months now..how do i deal with relationship anxiety? Would love to hear your thoughts thanks 🙏
Do you feel that having a possessive boyfriend and having relationship anxiety is something that is healthy for your well-being?
/
Great ideas... I can't even get up to bat...
Wow this is so what I’m going through,me and my ex split because of an argument she says she still has strong feelings for me and she wants to txt and call and she wants to spend time hanging out,but she’s adamant we’re not getting back together because we’ve had to many arguments in the past,hope she changes her mind
Contact him on WhatsApp+2347042103345
Hi Clay i was with my ex for 18 years we broke up 3 years ago, however we were still sleeping together i was sure we’d work things out a lot has happened,he moved on pretty quick and i only found out in August while were going in our first family holiday he was still seeing her however his relationship with her has been on and off,it only been over the last few month’s we’ve been getting on so well being able to communicate being open and honest with each other,he has said she help him when he was i a very dark place,i asked did he love her he said the only people that he loves are his kids and parents,i asked if you dont love her why did you get back with her,he replied because im lost,i know their relationship is rocky because she says your willing to drop everything for her(me)he hasn’t blended eith her family(kids)because he has said im not gonna play happy family’s with someone else’s kids when i cant do it with my own???she wanted to meet his parents he said no because they still think me and him are together(their old and not in the best health)and he told her they would never accept her because of me she has also asked for him to bring our kid’s to her house and he said no because i dont want them near her(which is true)she said they are your kids too and he replied im not gonna upset Paula…she wasnt happy 😬😬i asked him why does he do that and he said i don’t want to upset you and i just cant say no to you🤔🤔i said should we try and work things out(i really want to i love him so much)he said im not ready to try…i mad him feel unwanted or need in our relationship (putting my family before him trying to buy their love when they couldn’t give a shit about me….iv been working on myself for awhile now he has noticed big time….
I have mentioned about me going on dates and he said would i have to know about it,i said why,he saud because id be jealous.
Please im desperate i have no idea what to do its really taking a toll on me…when we’re together its like we never broke up
Please advise me
Much love
Paula x
Spot on. !
Thank you!
We are talking and it ebbs and flows... It so hard the instabilitie is maddening and triggering for bad communication cycles.
Opinions of getting back with a possessive ex boyfriend?
Help guys&girls I’m 24 and have recently got back in contact with an ex from 3, years ago we were together for 3 years and we were 21&19 when we split up but anyway we’ve been seeing other people obviously but I haven’t been able to shake the “she’s the one feeling “ even while I was dating previous partners we had a great relationship together and reason for separating was we weren’t on the same page but now we’re both different people we’ve both grown up as individuals and we hung out over the weekend(which was great) and have agreed to go out for a date sometime this week just wondering the do’s and don’ts when trying to rekindle a spark with a ex
Well it’s been a year!! How did it go? Still together?
How consistently should you message your ex at the riding the dragon stage? She now sees me as a friend again, but she had to tell her boss, who is a close friend of hers, that we're not back together. He saw me at her grandmother's funeral, so because of their close relationship I think he's concerned for her and I get the sense he is talking to her about the reasons not to get back together, making her confused now that we're both talking again.
Love your work Clay! I have a situation where when she's drinking or drunk we talk like everything is cool. She tells me we should hang out, we should play games together, she's happy that I'm happy, she was afraid I hated her, and that she thinks about me all the time. So basically her reactance is somewhere around 20%-60% but when she's sober she hardly if ever responds when I want to talk to her or play games. This confuses me as I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Do I just message her once a week? Once a month? What do I do when she doesn't respond? I don't want to bug her but I'm excited about our conversations when she is drunk and hopefully speaking her mind. I'm just happy to have her back and don't want to get her to 100% reactance again. Cause I would still love to have the drunk texts which makes me feel like she still cares, but the high reactance when not drunk is hurting me a bit. Thanks for the help Clay.
Hi Kyle, Drunk text may not be beneficial as the person may or may not be on their consciousness. It will just feed your expectations because it makes you feel cared but when your ex is sober, that is what we call reality. That is how you should be focusing your approach. To have a meaningful interaction without the influence of alcohol on her end. All the best.
@@ClayAndrews Thanks for taking time out and replying to my question! Rereading your books now and relearning a bunch of the lessons you layout. I have had meaningful conversations with her sober since my post so I feel that her wall of reactance is starting to come down a bit. She probably is around 15% or 35% but it sure does feel good to talk to her again :). Just focusing on keeping it fun and focusing on the connection. Thanks for all that you do! You really do help so many people who are struggling. All the best Clay!
You're welcome, Kyle. :-) Glad that you took the moment to re-read our books as well.
My spouse left a year ago. After 3 months she came back then left again.... then came back and pushed me away again a month ago. It was super hot, she stayed at my place a night every week and then with no warning, pushed me away again. The past month we don't talk much during the week. She won't respond but we went out every weekend and she spent the night weekend before last but now she seems more distant and cold than ever...
It seems like she goes from stage 2 to stage 3 and then back to 2.... wtf???
Hi Clay,
My ex and I broke up 4 months ago so that he could work on himself as an individual. Outside of logistical things, we really haven’t spoken. I reached out in a friendly, lighthearted way and got a response that wasn’t terrible. He said he was open to meeting for lunch but wanted to be upfront about not wanting to get into anything serious(not sure if he meant with conversation or relationship). I’m guessing this is around 70-80%? Is meeting up something I should be doing to gauge the connection or do you wait until it’s something they suggest without you reaching out?
Hi Tara, It seems like your ex sets the expectations that he is not ready to have that talks about the relationship or getting back together. You can have a lighthearted in-person conversation and take things from there. From there, you can gauge where he is at a personal level emotionally. All the best.
Hi Clay! I do want my ex back because of the connection and attraction we have. Right now I’m in the riding out stage. Can you let me know a little more about that ?
Hi Emily, You can check our video here to know more about the Riding The Dragon Phase. :-) >>> th-cam.com/video/_kkoGM1Vid0/w-d-xo.html
Hi Clay,
So I think I’m already at the crisis point haha. I dated a girl for a couple months before she left me to go back to her ex. I was basically the rebound... However they didn’t last as the guys a POS and everybody but her knew that until now... Our first time talking again we got right down to it and cleared the air about much of our emotions and what the hell happened. It kinda feels like we never stopped dating except for the sexual bits. However she’s saying how she’s not ready to date and I’m too good for her. But still wants to hang out, yet at the same time is sorta suggesting we shouldn’t. She’s the one who restarted contact, about 2 weeks after her last breakup. And she’s the one to initiate texts. Ha oh god
Hi Clay. I really appreciate your video. That opens my mind about what is after breakup.. we were long distance and he broke up with me because I was being too needy and jealous sometimes. He said he wants to be friends and know each other on a different level.
Since broken up he called almost once everyday but conversation was very short and casual. Is that the test drive stage? What can I do to get to the next stage? Thanks
Hi Evalyn, It could be that your ex is at the Test Drive phase. In which he is trying to open himself but still may have some hesitation to invest fully. Make sure that you have worked on your jealousy and being needy. That is where the Advanced Relational Skills that we teach can be truly helpful for you. All the best.
@@ClayAndrews thank you! I appreciate your reply and I'll look into it.
I’m at the first stage, and it hurts 7 years and i don’t know how to live without him..... he wants me to leave him forever and at this point i have no choice.
Hi Lady in red, we understand that breakups are never easy and can be truly emotional. I hope you'll find some time to heal so you'd pull your emotional balance back. Sending more positive energies on your end.
How long should I give him before messaging him if he is at stage one? And also what do I do when we don’t have mutual friends nor work together nor live close... we can not just randomly/accidentally bump into each other either...
You are a genius man😄😄
Thanks for the compliment, Hassan. :-)
Thank u tomuch
The only thing that I wished this discussion would have also covered, was these particular stages while the ex is dating someone else. It adds a very thick layer of complexity, that I wish I had some semblance of an idea of what to do.
Connection before relationship
I was wondering what effect a contested divorce can have on ever reconciling? Right now, she is at 60% to 80% reactiveness right now and I worry it can go back to 100%
What if she's married?
we still have feelings for each other and we still like each other alot I just need to know what to say to her to back like do i ask if she want to go out with my or do I ask if she wants us to get back together?
Hey Ozi oof , It is best that you focus on the quality of your connection. Once your ex reached the New Beginnings phase, you may lean on the idea of getting back together. Remember to focus on the process so enjoy the moment of being together. :-)
Hi, we have chatted on another recording. My ex has gone from test drive to wanting to see me, as far as I know he is still in the relationship with the woman he cheated on me with, who he got together with about a month after our break up. But he sent me an email saying he, wants to salvage something from our three years together and that he feels he'll never be able to make up for what he did. What stage is he at?
Iv just started talking to my ex after 5 months of been blocked, she does reply but one word text like your saying, she taking her time reading the text too, sometimes it will be a day later, but I'm not blocked and she has admitted she misses us, but says she better on her own, but is this still a good sign she is at least talking to me again, and also I'm finding it hard what to say
My ex and I haven't talked in a year. I called him 4 weeks ago and got him to unblock me (initially called with *67). Left him a voicemail. Anyway so shocked he called finally! I was able to secure a meetup July 4th. It went well...he said "he wanted to be friends"...
On July 16th we hung out and he was playful and talked about our past. We hugged...he responds to texts now. We are suppose to hang out this weekend. We texted 3 hours last night.
Anywho...your vids are helpful. I am glad he is receptive...finally.
Hey Chris, That's truly a great news. Hope things will move forward positively between you and your ex. We are rooting for both of you. :-)
Hey clay so me and my ex blocked each other on sc when we broke up this was outhe only way of communication about 2 months after this I wanted her back so I unblocked her but she didn't unblock me about a week or 2 ago she unblocked me on sc and added me back on insta a week after she added me back i texted her for a while but she only gave short replies such as ori,k,ya,no i texted her a week or 2 after that and she stil gave me short replies .a friend told me the reason that she added me back was to talk to me please answer clay I need ur expert opinion
Helooooo
Hi Bobby, I am not sure how you approach your messages but I would rather recommend using open-ended questions instead of asking questions answerable by yes or no. It seems like your ex is at the Test Drive phase as well.
I pulled back away from responding to my ex that now we just don't communicate at all, its like we both to stubborn to give in,,idk but I am starting to loose the hope of ever getting him back .
Hi Nicole, If we use the words ”my ex is too stubborn to engage in an interaction with me”-that tells more about where YOUR level of emotional acceptance is (or lack of) and that you’re struggling with Empathy, Acceptance and the Advanced Relational Skills. How you respond/react to things is a reflection on where YOU are at in your 5 individual stages. We recommend that you start working on the Advanced Relational Skills that we talk about inside www.exsolutionprogram.com :-) All the best.
Will you please do a video on what to do “if the woman was the the one who broke up and now regrets it. Men are proud and turned off by chasing so I feel I’m stuck.
NO ONE ELSE IS POSTING VIDEOS OF WHEN THE WOMAN BREAKS UP AND REGRETS IT !!
The break up was messy - lasted over a month . I was stubborn and wouldn’t answer his texts and calls and told him not to contact, but I would reply sometimes always reinforcing the breakup. we rehashed everything I said and he said by text which made it worse. I kept saying not to contact me. He didn’t beg or ask me to change my mind. He sent my clothes to me with a kind break up letter., which I recieved a day after the confusing, muddled, icky rehashing. I texted him how much I loved his letter. He texted me short but positive texts the next 2 days, then stopped. I regret what I did, and apologized for the mean things I said in the rehashing phase but reiterated that it was over. I wanted him to chase. I feel I really hurt him and his pride and fear he’s keeping in touch as a back up. Or he’s easing back into a relationship, I don’t know if he’ll chase me now. In the 3 short texts we’ve engaged in he has not brought up the past. I don’t know whether I should ask him to get back together or just let sleeping dogs lie. And see if he takes the lead. I feel if I do that, I will be perceived as desperate and chasing and using masculine energy.
WHAT SHOULD WOMEN IN THIS SITUATION Will you please do a video on what to do “if the woman was the the one who broke up and now regrets it.
NO ONE ELSE IS POSTING VIDEOS OF WHEN THE WOMAN BREAKS UP AND REGRETS IT !!
The break up was messy - lasted over a month . I was stubborn and wouldn’t answer his texts and calls and told him not to contact, but I would reply sometimes always reinforcing the breakup. we rehashed everything I said and he said by text which made it worse. I kept saying not to contact me. He didn’t beg or ask me to change my mind. He sent my clothes to me with a kind break up letter., which I recieved a day after the confusing, muddled, icky rehashing. I texted him how much I loved his letter. He texted me short but positive texts the next 2 days, then stopped. I regret what I did, and apologized for the mean things I said in the rehashing phase but reiterated that it was over. I wanted him to chase. I feel I really hurt him and his pride and fear he’s keeping in touch as a back up. Or he’s easing back into a relationship, I don’t know if he’ll chase me now. In the 3 short texts we’ve engaged in he has not brought up the past. I don’t know whether I should ask him to get back together or just let sleeping dogs lie. And see if he takes the lead. I feel if I do that, I will be perceived as desperate and chasing and using masculine energy.
WHAT SHOULD WOMEN IN THIS SITUATION DO??????
Thank you so much for your advice! Please make a video for us❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ DO??????
Thank you so much for your advice! Please make a video for us❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Hey Susan, Maybe this video of ours is something that you are looking for. >> th-cam.com/video/fzkSd8kzl54/w-d-xo.html
What if we started having small text conversations again (after active and practical no contact). The first time he was at work and was answering after about an hour everytime it was a nice short conversation. The second time he answered quite quickly but after sending me about 4 messages he broke of the conversation by saying Sure 👍🏻. Is that hot and cold behavior (riding the dragon) or test drive phase?
We didn't have any negativity or say anything about the relationship....
My ex has said that we aren't meant to be together right now, but that she doesn't know what the future holds and maybe we can get back together down the track. There is resistance around texting and messaging as she said that we can message here and there but not everyday as she doesn't want to get my hopes up. She said she thought we were meant to be, but now she is not really sure. We argued alot the last year of our relationship and slowly she lost hope. I'm so confused.
Hi Clay, if we are at 100% would it be wise to give her a few weeks space before trying to reach out? We spoke last week and she said she is happier without me, doesn't miss me and wants me to stop contacting her. I haven't spoke to her since
We are so stuck in stage 4. Me and my ex husband started seeing ea other 2 months ago. He’s confused and angry at himself for his affair. Yesterday he told me to leave him alone and move on.
It seems like he still needs to forgive himself so we can move forward positively.
She says she’s not ready when I asked her to FaceTime me. I said I understand but not ready for what? To communicate with me? And she said it doesn’t matter. But still contacts me for no reason. What could this mean?
Does it make since that I feel like my ex husband (Divorced Sep 2018 after 19 yrs) could be in the middle of stage 3 and 4. We have been seeing ea other since June. Let me add he broke up with his affair/rebound relationship just ended the beginning of Aug. I’ve done the self transformation since last September, haven’t dated anyone. Talked to a few just on FB but that’s it. Of course I want us to get back together, I’ve always loved him since 2000. We have 4 children together. 17, 15, 11, and 8 yr olds. I’m 47 and he is 46: what do you think Clay:) oh by the way we have had a lot of emotional connection since June:)
Hi Mandi, I am not quite familiar with how your situation progressed over time (as compared to our course members in our exclusive community where we closely interact with them). If you feel that you are in the middle of stage 3 and 4, be sure to be more aware not to push his wall back. Focus on building positive interactions and changing the dynamics of being with you. (even in messaging). All the best
Hey Coach I am in a situation that I don’t know what to do first of all my recent ex change her number the good thing I still see her three times a week on a group from church so we broke up on December 2018 she blocked me. For a whole month She unblock me but she told me to give her time that she doesn’t want to talk to me I didn’t respect that. I was trying to talk to her but she wouldn’t respond so I stop texting her I Text her the third day no response. Couple days pass by after we talked just a little bit But it seems that she wasn’t there in little conversation we had. I also messed up by bringing up the break up it was stupid of me. telling her if she doesn’t want to talk to me she could go ahead and block me she wouldn’t do it So we would talk here and then the other following week I brought up the break up I know ur going to say.. that was a stupid idea.. so I brought up the break up again she got mad I told her if she doesn’t want to talk to me she can block me she blocked me. When that I realize a lot of stuff about me I also had a bad day at work they laid me off. So I was mad.. and she hasn’t unblock me at all which today is March 9 2019. On March 4, 2019 she had change her number. I’m sure because I called private couple times I’m sure she felt anxious that she can’t get no space. I’m sure she lost some interest..but the thing is where we go to church she has two friends an there married. Does two girls they support her a lot I don’t know if they are giving her advice what to do which will be kind of dumb if she is taking advice from their friends. so now I got nothing left with no number but we still see each other three times a week. Is there anyway I could flip that what I’m doing right now I dress way better different. I am more confidence I’m centered I’m thinking more Straight. I see her looking at me here and then which I try not to look at her at all but the question is what can I do in this situation or to get her to like me because I don’t want to approach to her since she did that pretty much on changing her number what’s your best advice in order for me to flip that problem that I have? Throughout this time it’s been three months I change so much I build my confidence I went to the process. I did look for her 3 times through out does months ? The reason for the break up was because I got on her apps and I was browsing around something I should’ve never done. I had download an app of Yahoo mail to get to her mail the was the first on December 2018 I confront about some stuff which it was nothing bad my thoughts weren’t thinking positive that day I disrespected her with words. I had erase that of yahoo. An just about now on feb 15 I downloaded to get something from my mail but it actually open an when back to her yahoo mail an she got the Notification on her phone saying someone from another device her open her Yahoo when I noticed that it took me to her email I try to talk to her on church but I couldn’t I got a phone Texter I explained everything that it was an accident that I didn’t know it was going to take me inside her mail. I’m sure she didn’t believe me. It sucks and it’s crazy how that happened thing I couldn’t of done just be honest with her what happened. Throughout the three months we were getting back together twice and it didn’t happen because of those accidents so what can I do from now on what’s your advice?
P.s we were actually getting married to she knows I have a ring for her because she had try it on already before this happen
I’m in between dragon and the crisis point . He will text me and answer long text but it’s when he finally gets a day off work he hasn’t made plans to see me though he told me he wants too . This is way to confusing .
you might need to be the one to set up a date... unfortunately... or you could ask something like "hey are you just too tired after work to come see me or something like that?" (now you don't have to say it just like this I'm just trying to give you something to brainstorm with here) the key is to have a bunch of empathy and understanding towards your ex whether they are a male or female, this way they will actually want to open up to you and maybe even talk about deeper things. So work on your empathy as he goes through these stages of getting back together with you. To be honest, as a guy I would be to tired to make plans with an ex if I had just got off work or something like that. So you might actually need to be the one to ask him on a date and not just be like "hey I'm free"
Hope this helps, all the best.
What is your ex wants you to come over acted like he was very excited to see me. Wanted to b intimate right away. Next day he has told a new gf he didnt tell me about that I was coming over. She kept calling he said shes trying to keep us from being intimate and laughed. I had broke up with him. Dont know if he was trying to get revenge or make her or me jealous. Told him tell her no worries were not. He should of known i wouldnt get intimate if hes intimate with someone else. I also told him i was leaving. He said Really and his face showed he didnt like what i said or i was leaving???
Ur amazing clay thank you so so much
You’re welcome 😊
+15159940279
Genius
Thanks!
Clay, I am pretty sure I pushed it from crisis point to wall of reactance. I moved to a new city, and I unknowingly pushed her again, is it really over? I did not know she was going through her own problems, and I pushed her. please help me out.
Pretty sure I'm between Riding the Dragon and Crisis point. He's very hot and cold, and there's been a "friend" trying to shift my ex away and towards others. I've been focusing on trying to have positive interactions and high-quality connections, but that can get hard when some days he is more than happy to talk and conversation flows, and other days he is closed off and will respond with short replies or not at all. I know he still wants me around since he does invite me to group events and group settings, and in those group events we've split off to hang out one on one, but it's like he doesn't want to make plans that are strictly one-on-one hang outs. I've got no idea what to do to try and keep building positive interactions and how to get past all of this and into stage 5.
Idk how to help since I'm probably around stage 2 with a recent breakup but stay strong!
Same here, my ex wife left me 3 months ago and we have started going out. For family meals with our kids and enjoying time as a family. Then the next day or two is cold. But then is happy to text all day the following. Then the next day makes sure her point that it’s over is said again. Then all the way back to be warm and wanting to cuddle me.
I am certainly in the ride the dragon stage, I need to try and stay level headed. She has confessed to being confused about everything. So I am trying to concentrate on quality time, quality emotional conversations and making those connections once again.
What do u do if they are emotionally detatched & they ended it ??
They don't want you so move on
i think im somewhere in btw crisis stage and new beginning. Me and my ex talked our feelings out finally after 6 months of breakup. we cleared everything out and he tried to dig me saying that i deserve better and i can have anyone since i told him i went out with bunch of guys after i broke up just to distract myself. i told him how much he makes me happy and how much i still feel the connection also i want to be with him and i dont want to start giving any titles to our new beginning and we should just start getting to know each other and go with flow. he was happy to hear. we are in long distance. after that we sorted all he seems like not putting much energy in texting. he texted few days but then we didnt have much to talk. i called him once and he missed it saying i was busy with work. hes always working. been 2 days he didnt text and i hoping that i need to be patient and give him time although i dont know how to keep that quality emotional bond btw us.
Hi Daria, we understand that some people are struggling in keeping that level of connection with their ex. And that is something that we cover in-depth inside the Communications module in the Ex Solution Program. It's true that you have to be patient and if it seems like she don't have that emotional capability to connect in a particular moment, you can try on the other days. Also, try to gauge your approach. Maybe there's something that you have to change as well.
Now the question is is it better to slowly and smart go towards them or stay in no contact and send a letter.
How can I make it look like that I am safe to talk to if she keeps on giving me these blunt replies? Im trying to keep it cool with the way I talk and text to her. I mean how should I even get the conversations going?
Hi Darren, You have to revisit how you have approached your ex. At the same time, we have to look into the emotional capability of the other person to interact. It doesn't mean that we are ready, that will go the same with our ex as well. Sometimes they have their own hesitations that is why they put their wall of reactance up. Try to understand where she is coming from emotionally. Not just your personal intent.
Clay,
I heard my boyfriend might want to separate from mutual friends, so I brought it up. I was set on moving out, but As if by intervention, we were unable to break our lease we are still in the same place living together sharing a bed etc. but giving each other space. We catch ourselves helping in a relationship fashion and trying to still make each other laugh from a show or a post, but we haven’t talked about where we stand since that day. What stage might this be? Does a conversation need to be had? Why are we holding back from connection, is it just the principle of the breakup even though we both don’t want it? I think I made the mistake of bringing up what I heard from someone else before talking about it, and now we are broken up. Help!
Peyton Didelotte just tell him you want him back it’s clear u do
Before you even got to the "riding the dragon" stage of the video I thought to myself my ex feince is about 60%-40% and I was spot on with what you said. However, last night we sent a few texts back and forth and she said "it's confusing because it feels normal when we are together but neither of us want a relationship." my response to that was "I never said I don't want a relationship but I do want to feel wanted and valued first"... What do I do now? How can I get to the next stage? Should I continue doing what I am doing and maybe take some benifits away from her next time I see her, that way she understands she has to give a little more to earn those benefits?
Or should I somehow open the topic back up and see if she will talk about her confusing feelings and comfort her, showing her I understand?
Help me ! I’m so confused as to what the heck is going on. I was with my ex for 9 years. We moved across the country together and after I saw that things weren’t working, I decided to go back home for us to have some space. He told me that we should just end things because it would be better for both of us. Well he ended up coming back home too, lives 10 minutes from me. We’ve been broken up now for 5 months but we’ve stayed in contact the whole time and have even stayed intimate. Some days are fine, but some days he gets angry and says he doesn’t want me back. I feel like deep down he’s considering it but is scared and still is angry for the way I left. He’s been texting me but it’s just one word responses most of the time. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Kasey, It seems like your ex is at the Test Drive phase. Focus on building positive interactions with him and if he seemed disconnected, be okay with it. Take the moment to step back and just respect his wish for space.
Don’t know what stage I’m at... just got back in contact after couple weeks and we are friends and connecting thru text, broke up a month ago and she is very positive she just wants to be friends(we are meeting up this week)
Ended on good terms so a lil confused
Hey Meriwether Amil, you can check this video to evaluate what stage you might be in this process. >> th-cam.com/video/2CDX0K_qCpw/w-d-xo.html . All the best.
I need follow up on how to strengthen the emotional connection
We were at stage 3 like 2 months ago. we even went on a date etc. it was fun.. now 2 months later shit is even worse then before? He just didn’t know what he wanted or what he needed anymore. And because of this and because his mother doesn’t like me, he thinks it’s just not possible to be together again and that’s when he started ghosting on me! Even though he liked our conversations.. He even admitted that he still thinks about me 6 months post break-up.. and he can’t figure out why?? So he ignored me. I was sooooo confused. I kept asking questions about why he so suddenly ghosted on me.. cuz the connection was there I mean wtf. But it’s like he just really wants to fight his feelings because he knows in his head that it’s not ever gonna work. But now as from today he blocked me everywhere. Probably because I kept asking him. This is even worse than the break-up itself. He has never blocked me before. I’m in shock. How can I solve this
My ex and I have texted everyday , seen each other about once or twice a week, we have slept together but he tells me it’s more than that, we have gone out to places and hung out. Is this a good sign? When do we make that step towards getting back together? It’s been a month now. Even though he is still worried I’ll get emotional again. So he is feeling it out. Makes sense
Alyse Hiltbrunner hi Alyse, just try to stay calm. Keep things positive at any cost, try to understand his point of view. I’m not at this point yet and maybe ill never be, but I exercise and go on massages to relax and stay calm. It seems like it's working.
We have two children together and we keep getting back and forth one min he tells me give time and then there is no chance and he says if i keep contacting he wont see the children i am so confussed on what to do! As in 22 days our baby will be one and want to be at some kind of friendship he left me with no explanation just never come home one day we have had alot if changes in our life we moved bought a business had a baby and lots more? Seriously what can i do because the children need us both! His family said dont contact him then he will miss me amd children bur our son is 7 amd always wants his dad i need some advise?
Also we argued alot about spending time becaise he was so busy with work x
Even after a period of no contact, reaching out and having a fight and going back in no contact. Is there still a way for winning them back? I’ve really messed it up and I want to show him that I’ve changed. But he is cold and ignoring...
Hi Hannelore, The chance will always be there but we have to understand that it is a process that you both have to go through. Doing Passive No Contact is not enough but it is about putting the Advanced Relational Skills into practice that would make a huge difference.
My ex and I have been talking on the phone for hours every day we’re building the emotional connection and I feel like we are past riding the dragon point and we are at the crisis point she continues to mention that we are broke up but continue to say how much she cares about me and how much I mean to her and she wants me in her life we also are intimate with each other and have stayed together once recently but I live in a different city five hours away it’s very complicated what do I do?