I suppose, the "frightening" part comes from the switch & how easily appealing the fake childlikeness appesrs! However, when a grown adult entertains & embraces the childlike posture & behaviour from another grown adult, then something is fundamentally twisted inside both parties.
My ex husband’s voice changed all the time. I knew when he had his child voice I had to end the conversation while he was in this submissive state. I even pointed his voice change out to him multiple times and his response was always “what do you mean” in an even younger tone. It did not make me want to coddle him. Instead I felt very uncomfortable as an adult trying to get a toddler to be an adult. That would be inappropriate and so I would just stop and handle the adult situation or need on my own.
It grows old after time, because they only care about their own needs loke a real child. You can't have a relationship with a child. He wanted to be looked after, have his own way, be adored and cuddled. I felt like a mother for a long time before I worked out what he was doing, and he withdrew any partner intimacy.
And you are so right, I couldn't leave because subconsciously I couldn't understand how he could survive without me. He gave up work, said he was suicidal, and I supported hi until we split up. Of course, after discard he's miraculously better!
You are not alone in this. I had the same thing happen. So disappointing to realize your own needs will not be acknowledged or met, but great to see it as it was and….. exit.
Good lord I couldn't have phrased it better. This is exactly what happened in my relationship. She 1st love bombed me, then she became infantile (baby talk, childish manner) making me want to care for her (but she never cared for me when I had the flu or something), then she slowly withdrew sexual intimacy but still demanding massages, cuddles etc, then she became distant and finally she cheated on me.
It was your video that opened my eyes in 2013. I started making plans to escape my 30 year marriage. I was wise enough to do it in the down low .The universe had mercy on me when your video popped up out of nowhere! to show me the truth. Before that I had no clue . Knowledge is power
Right now, I am right in the middle of it. Been breaking up weekly, for over 3 years. Logically, I know I shouldn't even acknowledge a text, but i pity him for some reason. I can't take the way it makes me feel to ignore him.
Leave the narcissist to their fate. Nobody would come to save you as an adult... give them the same indifference. They will destroy you. Then leave you once you no longer have anything to feed off of.
I think that mentality, the no saviors mentality, is why we live in a world with so many abusers in the first place. No one is saving inner children who can still be saved and teaching them how to love and live better than what came before them. Inner children can be damaged and non-narcissistic, I think most people here are living proof of that. Without any nurturers, we'll only create more abusers over time.
@@ByrneBaby We are all have our own journey in the same boat. " Heal yourself" is the best advice. Some people play games and it becomes a no win competition where you learn how to lose because they hate their situational attachment and fear ..
I am 100% onboard with this analysis. My father was a narcissist and I have dated 4 narcissistic men as I felt I could help them, wanted to make things better for them. At 50yo now I have spent my romantic life with only these people at a gigantic cost to myself. I am in healing now. The last guy was a 50yo child. He never grew up, was angry, jealous, paranoid and contemptuous of everything. Being close to him I felt the void so clearly as like a black hole he gave off no energy. The relationship was was pure torture in it's clearest form and it made me say. No more. This is destroying me. 2 years out tomorrow and I am thriving in my goals and healing my own wounds. Narcs are dangerous, they should come with labels saying they are poisonous. I felt nothing coming from the narcissist and didn't know why. Now I know. Thank you.
Exactly. They want every ounce of your energy and will never give more back to you, than what is required, to suck even more out of you until you completely burn out. They never care, they only will discard and replace you, if they can. This not only happens in partnerships, but even nacissistic parents behave exactly like this and won't care, if they lose their only child to death. My own father tried to make me commit suicide by massive humiliation, when i was already in a severe depression and he talked to my doctor the day before and knew about how he should handle my, and how not. My mother did not protect me at all. She was on his side and this broke my broken heart even more. In families, there should be no sides, but i always was on the other side, even if i did everything for my parents. Now they lost me forever, but no to death. I am more alive, than ever, am starting my life all over again.
I’m usually sensitive enough to “pick up” someone’s energy even at hours old previous presence. With this person I don’t register any energy whether person is present or absent. Couldn’t figure it out. Your explanation makes sense: “…black hole w no energy.” Thank you. And, This vid helps w current decision making.
There are a lot of Channels about Narcissism but Mr. Vaknin is number one! Mr. Vaknin goes in depth on why they behave the way they do! Amazing work! 👏🏻
🎉 Congratulations Sam. I could not think of a more deserving Specialist as you. I have never known anybody who has the fountain of information that you possess and the accuracy of which you deliver it. I am much more enlightened because of it.
Wow! This video is a real eye opener! It explains my unhealthy mommy role with my narcissistic husband of 30 years. And, the guilt I feel when I think of leaving him.
I left after 20yrs and it was like abandoning a child at the side of the road and driving away. But I kept on driving and I am 100% glad I did. I wish I had done it years ago.
Thank you Sam for helping me understand the needy broken child in my sister. It gets to the point where it is not about saving the shared fantasy but saving yourself.
The realization of the envy that was present all along explains so much of their behavior. My little sister would appear in my dreams as a demon, before I came to realize her true nature, and mine.
I have memory loss after being with my ex boyfriend. The other time this happened to me is in my childhood in which there was violence and neglect. I am seeing a therapist but Professor Vaknin has been key to understanding this. Professor, these lectures you offer are invaluable. Thank you.
I suffered from memory loss and brain fog too. My therapist suggested walking I started at about 2 km per day in January now it's may I am at 10km per day. My memory is now fully back and some other ailments I had gone too
Yes they are extremely harmful because of their talent in destroying your organs (body parts) which ofcourse your life. Must abandon and don't enable. Have to because as Dr Vaknin says they are doing this unconsciously, it's just what their natural gift is which is extremely corrosive, an example is your memory loss.
There is nobody there. (No access to positive emotions. Only destructive defenses.) Lovely, is how you provide clarity to the narcissists’ delusion, who works to get you to buy in to their “mutual” fantasy. Thank you, for lighting up this mine field. Peter Pan never grows up, dead inside. Flee. Look forward and flee, never looking back. Love to you, very good sir. With gratitude. I can confidently say that you have made my day❤
Leaving the narcissist was heart wrenching. He seems so fragile. I struggle with the guilt sometimes. I’m a mother so I definitely felt pain walking away.He would have shattered my soul
I understand how you feel ladies. But remember that meanwhile you feel like this they are acting out with their grown man side and pursuing other women via sex workers or dating sites etc. They are not the child. It’s an illusion
Emotional 10 year old. I want a relationship with a grown up that knows their own mind and can share who they actually are, not some mask. It's been fake everything for 2 years.
It's the hard truth but at some point these people show us who they are and they are responsible for their part but we also play a role when we stay with them
@@LeahDyson-kq4bd Yes, even as a child of narcissistic parents, you can leave as soon as you wake up from the illusion. It took me 2 attempts and 38 years but now it was the final NO contact. I stopped missing them and only feel disgusted, when i am thinking about getting back to them, even half a year after my letters to say "farewell, we will never meet again".
They only act like a child to lure you in. Once they feel you are attached to them and you express your own needs they are irritated and annoyed. After all, you're only there for them.
I did feel like that for months... i still have misery understanding there was nobody there. I felt utterly alone with her but I will try to rewatch your videos
You break this down like nobody else. Im not surprised that many publications want your input. Good for you! I have known for a while now that the lights are on but nobody is home in there.
The good doctor said he himself is a narcissist so therefore according to your comment about them not being human it would be implying the doctor is not human..thus why listen to his advice? Mental disorders don't steal your humanity.
This is a PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT explanation about how WE are initially drawn to the NARC and how we unknowingly become co-dependent. I never heard it put like this but it all makes sense now. Thank you Sam.
Dear professor Vaknin, I don’t know how to thank you about this video and the way you explained one of the most difficult parts after I broke up with a narcissist… it was horrible to feel that I abandoned a damaged child. Your contribution to understand the deepest aspect of this relationship is enormous! After three years I have broken up and I am still single I feel I have still post traumatic things and I have still connection with the shared fantasy…. I have worked a lot but I find layers and layers during my therapeutic process. You are a unique specialist please continue to educate us!! thank you thank you
Im so "happy" to hear that. I was always saying that to my therapist that im ready to go when she is mean and hategul but then i see this lonely, sad, abused child that has been left behind again and again from early on...but then i realised i cannot save a the child of an adult who doesnt wanna have to do with this child i wanna save...
I'm glad for the the saved lives and souls of people who left me behind. I want to show that compassion towards my own choices of leaving some behind. To a child who never knew what they they could be, knowing some of themselves is possible, heartwarming and very very deep. Attachment can cause so much pain and difficult thoughts. I can somehow relate to you on both sides. Even Sam Vaknin videos are enriching to a lost person. I hope you both find your ways and warmth and comfort in whatever shape or form.
I saw and see this in my parents and in myself at times. I saw myself and a friend whom I adore playing int a shared fantasy and I called it as soon as I saw it. I was coming out of marriage with children and I had to recover from being in a relationship that became a family and a repeat of my own patterns of family. And for the first time, I saw how damaged i was. I had huge gaps in my memories. I left home and was put into the custody of the state when I was 15 years old. I have reconciled this within myself. Now I’m learning to heal, but the sweetest part of me has died in some ways and it needs to be resurrected. And that hurts so much the rebuilding is quite painful. Loosing my family and being the adult survivor of physical, emotional, and even sexual abuse has taken the sweetest and most productive and creative parts of me and put a weight that has caused wedges between me and the people I love most. And that makes it hard to let people close to me now. I red flag myself and refuse to dance that dance of a shared fantasy.
I relate with you. It's so painful 😖 It's so incredibly difficult to trust yourself with your plans and efforts working out and you being able to also make space for how much damage and baggage there exists.
Thank you Sam, you Are brave and your inner Voice Know The Truth -you Are Light for us broken Humans,. Thank you for leading us through darkness. You are Treasure for us, and don’t you dare doubt or even listen to this doubting voice . Love you and pray for you.All the best for you and your wife♥️🍀
It's amazing how this mental health disease works. I knew nothing about Narcissistic personality but I get the opportunity to learn from my ex wife. They are not able to feel inside happynes, they can't feel or to give love, they can't feel fulfilling life. They walk in life as zombie. I am not sure if they meet their true self. Mother nature punish them removing the positive feelings
Congratulations Sam on your new appointment...how you juggle it all I don't know! And great lecture, on point. Its truly a dilemma for people who have a loveable narcissist in their lives who keep messing up...as you say it's difficult to abandon a man/woman child who hasn't grown up!
Thank you SO much for explaining this! Omgosh I truly understand why I couldn't leave him no matter how dysfunctional I saw he was. I just lowered my expectations for him and remained in an affectionless relationship. He ended up cheating anyways and found 2 new mothers. I went no contact immediately, sensing this, despite his denial, and learned of all of the truths 8 months later. So glad I went completely NC no matter how much he tried to talk to me.
The most painful things are lack of empathy and an inability to love. But if it's not narcist's fault, we should feel sorry for them. It's extremely difficult to treat them like an ill person....
Good morning! Long ago I had a vision of my dad (the narcissist) while looking at him he was levitating in the air as a false yogi with false peace and tranquility, pretending to understand what I was talking about and to empathize with me. In my visual, this exposed his arrogance and perceived mental (air) superiority and also the error in his theology.
We would do this role play where he would say “can Shan come out to play?” And then tell me we’re childhood friends. He would do it after he triggered me. And I resented him bad for that. But this video just tells me so much. Thank you for this!
It was irresistible addictive! I was rendered into his mother and I fulfilled my role perfectly for years. But - sometimes the real intentions, motivations and manipulations broke through: callous, reckless, relentless, hatefull, envious…it was horrible see the change.
It is sooo crazy seeing the parallels between this “dual mothership” phenomenon and my actual relationships. When I broke up with my previous grandiose partner I told my friend “It’s going to sound weird to say this, but it feels more like he is my child than my boyfriend.” And I remembered having this distinct, almost maternal love and even “worrying” about him after breaking up like a mom would. His mother actually passed away 2 weeks after we first started dating. And he would always tell me I had long hair like his mom. In my more recent relationship with a different guy, I remember during an argument telling him “I’m not your mom and I’m not going to wait on you hand and foot like your mom does.” And I also told him I wasn’t his mom when it felt like he was being resistant or almost weirdly defiant towards me as if he was rebelling against his mother.
Same here. My narcissistic husband of 30 years is basically a spoiled, defiant child. He has always expected me to take care of him like a mother would. I am preparing to leave him, but I hate to admit, there's a part of me that worries about how he will do the day to day things I always take care of. 😢
@@annjohnson8437 I completely understand that strange worried/maternal feeling. I have been there. I separated from mine 2 years ago and started over completely but I can say that it has definitely gotten easier over time. Now I can look back on it from a distance and see it for what it was. Good on you for choosing yourself. Narcissists are great at survival and adaptation when it comes down to it. He can figure it out and not at your expense. We can't live to be a crutch for someone else, and there is no amount of loving him that will make him healthy. And vice versa. The only one who can "save" us is ourselves.
Thank you for explaining this, this way. It makes so much more sense and will make it more manageable to deal with some key people in my life. ❤ Thank you.
🤯 wow.. my ex totally did this infantalization thing.. my mind is blown to hear you talk about this. I kept going back n forth with whether my ex was a narc or just avoidant … now I see it 😮
The more I watch your videos the more I cannot believe how GOOD my narc was at this mess. He was no where near a doctor but Dr V hits the behaviors on the head act by act. Don’t know how I couldn’t see it
Congratulations on your success! That’s great news. “Narcissism pays”…haha! Thank you for sharing your knowledge and insight. You are so very helpful. 🙏
"The child inside you is drawn, is attracted, is linked to the child inside her" is an answer that came to me after months of desperately asking myself "why am I being drawn to her like that, like I never was before with anyine, wanting to be by her side, especially when she is (apparently) going (internally) through hard times? Drawn, attracted with the power of two magnets attracting each other...?" And with that answer and - through it - understanding why I was acting that way in the past year or so, finally came some silence and peace of mind within the mental, emotional and rational turmoil that was my mind at the time. Her inner child showed (towards me, but most likely not only towards me) a vulnerability, a need for love, care and attention that I, or better said my inner child knew very well - as I missed those things in my own childhood, and, in time, I sort of brushed those unmet needs under the rug, locked them behind doors, with some nasty effects on my self, my emotional and social development over the long term. And that inner child was ready to offer them to anyone needing them, as he knew very well what that one is in need of. It took me about 6 months into our relationship to slowly realise that something is not ok with her. A lot of 'somethings'. Some of them slipping into suprarealism. I started looking for answers. Dr. Vaknin's channels being one of the many sources, on YT and other platforms and sites. In another 6 months after that I came to the (somewhat educated and amateurish) guess or belief that I am dealing most likely with BPD with some NPD traits. I could be somewhat wrong, but not by much, as I've been talking with a sum of people educated and licensed in psychology and psychiatry. At some point she went for a while to therapy (I went to therapy also, independently from her and, for a while, without her knowledge, and it was the best choice I took in a while). Her therapist after about 6 months of seeing her issued to her a report stating PTSD - as her life has been filled with trauma and narcissistic abuse in past relationships. She stopped therapy after a while, as 'I am talking for 40 minutes and she, the therapist, doesn't tell me anything on how to fix all that' (It doesn't work like that, in therapy the psychotherapist just keeps a 'mirror' in front of you, and you are the one doing the work, the fixing once you get to understand things about yourself) My therapist stated that, from my stories, most likely there is some form of *PD at play with her. So, there. A very brief account in a very very tight nutshell.
Children with ACE's have usually also been affected by alcohol, as a foetus in the womb. Alcohol is a toxin (hence the word 'intoxicated' and the most commonly ingested toxin in the world! When mothers drink alcohol in pregnancy, the alcohol freely crosses the placenta and kills the brain cells of the developing foetus, resulting in both physical and neurological disabilities. These disabilities are referred to as Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD). Therefore in addition to the impact of stress, trauma and abuse on the developing brain there is often also organic brain damage, caused by mothers drinking alcohol in pregnancy.
This video was very true and I realized that I was dealing with the narcsisst's 'inner child' and I thought several times he was going to kill me (from the soul). Now I am in distance so I have felt many times that's the reason I did not get anything physical as abuse. However, the wound is deep and I never realized how much damages I have received already. 'Childlike feature' also applies to the narcsisst I was dealing with. This video perfectly explained why. I felt exactly as if I was abandoning a child if I leave the narcsisst. So I am already settled that it was very severe case and it was the best thing I have done that I escaped before the narcsisst killed me.
You work is so important. I experienced narcessistic abuse and couldn t put a lable on it. Now I know it wasn t my fault how it went. And I m so greatful. Since I m now so aware of narcessistic traits I can spot those people very well. There are so many of them. Don t know how to cope with that realisation at the moment. I m grateful that I can spot them but sometimes I fear that I become their victim again. Some of my coworkers seem to be narcessists... So greatful for your explanations.
no no no no no. i am still so much in denial that this is her. her serial child-likeness was so off-putting and I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why. but I always felt this need to protect her. i hate all of this. all of it. but when i finally come to acceptance, it will be so beautiful and so damn freeing.
Sam, Can you discuss how to deal with narcissistic adult children. I don't know how we got here, but there must be a path to co exist without abandoning one self. No one ever talks about dealing with Narcissistic grown children and yet grandchildren get thrown into the mix and it becomes very complicated. It is excruciating having to let go of grandchildren but, on the other side, the peace is amazing and reinvigorating once you mentally move on from the nonsense.
@@samvaknin It's very difficult indeed but I'm also ready to enjoy my life . Your videos have opened my eyes and enabled me to see things for what they really are....this helped me to heal enough to see the other side. I continue watching your videos to remind myself often of the confusion I once felt. Thank you Ps It took a long time to gain enough strength to go no contact ....I finally arrived.
בוקר טוב שושן ✨💖 כמה ידע אתה מעביר. בתור קורבן לנרקיס, שעברה את זה בצורה אפילו הירואית יש לומר , חייב שיהיה כמה שיותר ידע על הנושא כדי שאנשים יבינו במהירות היכן הם באמת נמצאים. כי אחד הדברים הראשונים שהנרקיס שודד ממך הוא את חוש ההתמצאות . תודה ❤
Pretty sure i am a covert malignant narcissist. I am considering going to a doctor for a diagnosis, but based on past experience, i am dubious of the veracity of some healthcare professionals. I don't know if the label would do more harm than good, as society views people like me as a monster. I have only told my father of my suspicions thus far..
This makes me so sad. A walking grave. Ugh. I wish we could turn back time and protect those innocent little babies so they wouldn’t be emotionally screwed forever. 😢
I’m all out of hope One more bad dream Could bring a fall When I'm far from home Don't call me on the phone To tell me you're alone It's easy to deceive It's easy to tease But hard to get release Eyes without a face (Les yeux sans visage) Eyes without a face (Les yeux sans visage) Eyes without a face Got no human grace You're eyes without a face I spent so much time Believing all the lies To keep the dream alive Now it makes me sad It makes me mad at truth For loving what was you Eyes without a face (Les yeux sans visage) Eyes without a face (Les yeux sans visage) Eyes without a face Got no human grace You're eyes without a face When you hear the music, you make a dip Into someone else's pocket then make a slip Steal a car, go to Las Vegas Ooh, gigolo pool Hanging out by the state line Turning holy water into wine Drinkin' it down, oh I'm on a bus, on a psychedelic trip Reading murder books, tryin' to stay hip I'm thinkin' of you, you're out there so Say your prayers Say your prayers Say your prayers Now I close my eyes And I wonder why I don't despise Now all I can do Love what was once So alive and new But it's gone from your eyes I'd better realize Eyes without a face (Les yeux sans visage) Eyes without a face (Les yeux sans visage) Eyes without a face Got no human grace You're eyes without a face Such a human waste You're eyes without a face And now it's getting worse
My ex did this and I wanted to ask him several times to stop because I was very aware of this regressive effect it had on me. He also called me and himself by some cute childlike variation of our names. It kind of disarms. This is why I never expected he had such a cruel, cold and harsh nature.
Yess…I was so tired of being his mother. It started feeling like I was sleeping with a child. It was uncomfortable and I felt shame. Then, it finally got to the point where the sex completely stopped. I still loved him but I didn’t understand what I was feeling until after the discard. He was addicted to sex and porn so I felt I had to sleep with him sometimes but it was like every month or every other month. I knew we couldn’t go on like this I felt shame and uncomfortability.
It’s like a ghost child wandering from one relationship to the next , doing damage along the way, this is a narcissist to me.
Frightening as very few people can turn their backs on a 'child'
I suppose, the "frightening" part comes from the switch & how easily appealing the fake childlikeness appesrs! However, when a grown adult entertains & embraces the childlike posture & behaviour from another grown adult, then something is fundamentally twisted inside both parties.
@@roseaduke8835 well put, simply get real. leave fantasy where an adult plays being a kid
This is exactly what happens.
They become your child and its very difficult to abandoned a damaged child.
My ex husband’s voice changed all the time. I knew when he had his child voice I had to end the conversation while he was in this submissive state. I even pointed his voice change out to him multiple times and his response was always “what do you mean” in an even younger tone. It did not make me want to coddle him. Instead I felt very uncomfortable as an adult trying to get a toddler to be an adult. That would be inappropriate and so I would just stop and handle the adult situation or need on my own.
It grows old after time, because they only care about their own needs loke a real child. You can't have a relationship with a child. He wanted to be looked after, have his own way, be adored and cuddled. I felt like a mother for a long time before I worked out what he was doing, and he withdrew any partner intimacy.
And you are so right, I couldn't leave because subconsciously I couldn't understand how he could survive without me. He gave up work, said he was suicidal, and I supported hi until we split up. Of course, after discard he's miraculously better!
Exactly what happened with my ex narc also. They beg you not to leave then eventually they abandon when getting a better supply
Wow. Mine is the opposite; my wife of 17 years. It’s always in the giver, the pleaser and she will abandon me and not reciprocate in anything we do.
You are not alone in this.
I had the same thing happen.
So disappointing to realize your own needs will not be acknowledged or met, but great to see it as it was and….. exit.
Good lord I couldn't have phrased it better. This is exactly what happened in my relationship. She 1st love bombed me, then she became infantile (baby talk, childish manner) making me want to care for her (but she never cared for me when I had the flu or something), then she slowly withdrew sexual intimacy but still demanding massages, cuddles etc, then she became distant and finally she cheated on me.
It was your video that opened my eyes in 2013. I started making plans to escape my 30 year marriage. I was wise enough to do it in the down low .The universe had mercy on me when your video popped up out of nowhere! to show me the truth. Before that I had no clue . Knowledge is power
@@superfly1111 yes, the sooner the better , afterwards you will only ask why didn’t I do this sooner
I'm
This title hit so close to home. I was clinging to my ex, ignoring my mental health completely just to avoid hurting her
This is even more lame not leaving for fear of hurting his family !
Right now, I am right in the middle of it. Been breaking up weekly, for over 3 years. Logically, I know I shouldn't even acknowledge a text, but i pity him for some reason. I can't take the way it makes me feel to ignore him.
Leave the narcissist to their fate. Nobody would come to save you as an adult... give them the same indifference. They will destroy you. Then leave you once you no longer have anything to feed off of.
You are the narcissist. No feelings.
I think that mentality, the no saviors mentality, is why we live in a world with so many abusers in the first place. No one is saving inner children who can still be saved and teaching them how to love and live better than what came before them.
Inner children can be damaged and non-narcissistic, I think most people here are living proof of that. Without any nurturers, we'll only create more abusers over time.
@@ByrneBaby Bravo!! 👏👏
You are correct 💯%
@@ByrneBaby We are all have our own journey in the same boat. " Heal yourself" is the best advice. Some people play games and it becomes a no win competition where you learn how to lose because they hate their situational attachment and fear ..
I am 100% onboard with this analysis. My father was a narcissist and I have dated 4 narcissistic men as I felt I could help them, wanted to make things better for them. At 50yo now I have spent my romantic life with only these people at a gigantic cost to myself. I am in healing now. The last guy was a 50yo child. He never grew up, was angry, jealous, paranoid and contemptuous of everything. Being close to him I felt the void so clearly as like a black hole he gave off no energy. The relationship was was pure torture in it's clearest form and it made me say. No more. This is destroying me. 2 years out tomorrow and I am thriving in my goals and healing my own wounds. Narcs are dangerous, they should come with labels saying they are poisonous. I felt nothing coming from the narcissist and didn't know why. Now I know. Thank you.
Exactly. They want every ounce of your energy and will never give more back to you, than what is required, to suck even more out of you until you completely burn out. They never care, they only will discard and replace you, if they can.
This not only happens in partnerships, but even nacissistic parents behave exactly like this and won't care, if they lose their only child to death.
My own father tried to make me commit suicide by massive humiliation, when i was already in a severe depression and he talked to my doctor the day before and knew about how he should handle my, and how not.
My mother did not protect me at all. She was on his side and this broke my broken heart even more. In families, there should be no sides, but i always was on the other side, even if i did everything for my parents.
Now they lost me forever, but no to death. I am more alive, than ever, am starting my life all over again.
I’m usually sensitive enough to “pick up” someone’s energy even at hours old previous presence. With this person I don’t register any energy whether person is present or absent. Couldn’t figure it out. Your explanation makes sense: “…black hole w no energy.” Thank you. And, This vid helps w current decision making.
Very informative elegant awareness respected Sir!🎉
There are a lot of Channels about Narcissism but Mr. Vaknin is number one! Mr. Vaknin goes in depth on why they behave the way they do! Amazing work! 👏🏻
🎉 Congratulations Sam. I could not think of a more deserving Specialist as you. I have never known anybody who has the fountain of information that you possess and the accuracy of which you deliver it. I am much more enlightened because of it.
you do realize that he is a narcissist?🤨
Wow! This video is a real eye opener! It explains my unhealthy mommy role with my narcissistic husband of 30 years. And, the guilt I feel when I think of leaving him.
Yes, mommy and slave in one person
@@z32luvr squirreling away money to leave.
I left after 20yrs and it was like abandoning a child at the side of the road and driving away. But I kept on driving and I am 100% glad I did. I wish I had done it years ago.
Thank you Sam for helping me understand the needy broken child in my sister. It gets to the point where it is not about saving the shared fantasy but saving yourself.
The realization of the envy that was present all along explains so much of their behavior. My little sister would appear in my dreams as a demon, before I came to realize her true nature, and mine.
It is all about the jealousy and envy.
@@davedoe4932 eye opening when you finally see them for who they are.
@@professorchaos9 I think it all comes down to jealousy.
@@davedoe4932 Dreams are so powerful
I have memory loss after being with my ex boyfriend. The other time this happened to me is in my childhood in which there was violence and neglect. I am seeing a therapist but Professor Vaknin has been key to understanding this. Professor, these lectures you offer are invaluable. Thank you.
I suffered from memory loss and brain fog too. My therapist suggested walking I started at about 2 km per day in January now it's may I am at 10km per day. My memory is now fully back and some other ailments I had gone too
Yes they are extremely harmful because of their talent in destroying your organs (body parts) which ofcourse your life. Must abandon and don't enable. Have to because as Dr Vaknin says they are doing this unconsciously, it's just what their natural gift is which is extremely corrosive, an example is your memory loss.
@@nnnsandra Thank you for the advice. ☺️
@@LordMondegrene interesting, thanks.
There is nobody there.
(No access to positive emotions. Only destructive defenses.)
Lovely, is how you provide clarity to the narcissists’ delusion, who works to get you to buy in to their “mutual” fantasy.
Thank you, for lighting up this mine field.
Peter Pan never grows up, dead inside. Flee. Look forward and flee, never looking back. Love to you, very good sir.
With gratitude. I can confidently say that you have made my day❤
My mother did that to me every time I was leaving she started to be helpless she shapeshifting nonstop .
Witches
Leaving the narcissist was heart wrenching. He seems so fragile. I struggle with the guilt sometimes. I’m a mother so I definitely felt pain walking away.He would have shattered my soul
Yes! I'm going through this now. Just terrible guilt. I had to get a restraining order and I feel so guilty, but had to protect me and our son
I understand how you feel ladies.
But remember that meanwhile you feel like this they are acting out with their grown man side and pursuing other women via sex workers or dating sites etc.
They are not the child. It’s an illusion
@@SassySlater ✅
So, narcissist know us more than we did.
Used it against us.
Hell.
Lesson learned. 🙏🏻
WOW, this gets rid of the "smoke and mirrors" confusion very quickly ... thank you Prof for your clear explanation of this subject matter !!
Emotional 10 year old. I want a relationship with a grown up that knows their own mind and can share who they actually are, not some mask. It's been fake everything for 2 years.
It's the hard truth but at some point these people show us who they are and they are responsible for their part but we also play a role when we stay with them
@@LeahDyson-kq4bd Yes, even as a child of narcissistic parents, you can leave as soon as you wake up from the illusion.
It took me 2 attempts and 38 years but now it was the final NO contact. I stopped missing them and only feel disgusted, when i am thinking about getting back to them, even half a year after my letters to say "farewell, we will never meet again".
They only act like a child to lure you in. Once they feel you are attached to them and you express your own needs they are irritated and annoyed. After all, you're only there for them.
I did feel like that for months... i still have misery understanding there was nobody there. I felt utterly alone with her but I will try to rewatch your videos
You break this down like nobody else. Im not surprised that many publications want your input. Good for you! I have known for a while now that the lights are on but nobody is home in there.
Correction, somebody is home in there but its not a human
The good doctor said he himself is a narcissist so therefore according to your comment about them not being human it would be implying the doctor is not human..thus why listen to his advice? Mental disorders don't steal your humanity.
@@holisticcatmomHow would you describe that entity that is home but not human according to your experience? I’m curious.)
This is a PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT explanation about how WE are initially drawn to the NARC and how we unknowingly become co-dependent. I never heard it put like this but it all makes sense now. Thank you Sam.
I don't know why but i like Your "ok, bonbonim, shoshanim" and so on so much, that I start smiling and laughing like a child each time i hear it🤣🙈.
Dear professor Vaknin, I don’t know how to thank you about this video and the way you explained one of the most difficult parts after I broke up with a narcissist… it was horrible to feel that I abandoned a damaged child. Your contribution to understand the deepest aspect of this relationship is enormous! After three years I have broken up and I am still single I feel I have still post traumatic things and I have still connection with the shared fantasy…. I have worked a lot but I find layers and layers during my therapeutic process. You are a unique specialist please continue to educate us!! thank you thank you
Watch the NA Healing playlist.
At last the explanation I've been searching for.
Sadly this describes my parent very well. Thanks for the insight.
Im so "happy" to hear that. I was always saying that to my therapist that im ready to go when she is mean and hategul but then i see this lonely, sad, abused child that has been left behind again and again from early on...but then i realised i cannot save a the child of an adult who doesnt wanna have to do with this child i wanna save...
❤❤❤❤
I'm glad for the the saved lives and souls of people who left me behind. I want to show that compassion towards my own choices of leaving some behind. To a child who never knew what they they could be, knowing some of themselves is possible, heartwarming and very very deep. Attachment can cause so much pain and difficult thoughts. I can somehow relate to you on both sides. Even Sam Vaknin videos are enriching to a lost person. I hope you both find your ways and warmth and comfort in whatever shape or form.
Дуюе дякую Вам, пане професоре Сем Вакнін, за пояснення цього складного питання.
youre welcome
Fascinating ! My x narc cannot relate to small children and babies
Correct, my N husband abandoned his 8 children and damaged my 2 sons
Congratulations! Couldn’t go to a more deserving man! 🎉🎉
I saw and see this in my parents and in myself at times. I saw myself and a friend whom I adore playing int a shared fantasy and I called it as soon as I saw it. I was coming out of marriage with children and I had to recover from being in a relationship that became a family and a repeat of my own patterns of family. And for the first time, I saw how damaged i was. I had huge gaps in my memories. I left home and was put into the custody of the state when I was 15 years old. I have reconciled this within myself. Now I’m learning to heal, but the sweetest part of me has died in some ways and it needs to be resurrected. And that hurts so much the rebuilding is quite painful. Loosing my family and being the adult survivor of physical, emotional, and even sexual abuse has taken the sweetest and most productive and creative parts of me and put a weight that has caused wedges between me and the people I love most. And that makes it hard to let people close to me now. I red flag myself and refuse to dance that dance of a shared fantasy.
I relate with you. It's so painful 😖
It's so incredibly difficult to trust yourself with your plans and efforts working out and you being able to also make space for how much damage and baggage there exists.
Congratulations on your new appointment Prof. Sam!
Congratulations Sam your talks are enlightening ..they feel surreal and too much to bear and yet it all adds up ..thank you.
🎉 Congrats Professor Sam! Sail across the pond and I'll buy you a drink.
Thank you Sam, you Are brave and your inner Voice Know The Truth -you Are Light for us broken Humans,.
Thank you for leading us through darkness. You are Treasure for us, and don’t you dare doubt or even listen to this doubting voice . Love you and pray for you.All the best for you and your wife♥️🍀
Professor you read them like a book! It all applies to my ex narc. Astonishing how they're all the same! Thanks for enlightening us.
It's amazing how this mental health disease works. I knew nothing about Narcissistic personality but I get the opportunity to learn from my ex wife.
They are not able to feel inside happynes, they can't feel or to give love, they can't feel fulfilling life. They walk in life as zombie. I am not sure if they meet their true self. Mother nature punish them removing the positive feelings
Congratulations Sam on your new appointment...how you juggle it all I don't know! And great lecture, on point. Its truly a dilemma for people who have a loveable narcissist in their lives who keep messing up...as you say it's difficult to abandon a man/woman child who hasn't grown up!
Pro. Sam Vaknin at its best! Thank you for another great intellectually stimulating video, great content!
Thank you SO much for explaining this! Omgosh I truly understand why I couldn't leave him no matter how dysfunctional I saw he was. I just lowered my expectations for him and remained in an affectionless relationship. He ended up cheating anyways and found 2 new mothers. I went no contact immediately, sensing this, despite his denial, and learned of all of the truths 8 months later. So glad I went completely NC no matter how much he tried to talk to me.
Thank you, Dr. Vaknin! All your lectures are insight-packed and this one did not disappoint. The learning on this one is deep and enlightening.💚
Spot on with the maternal instinct kicking in. When you step back and analyze the situation, it’s a bit gross. Had to leave and go cold turkey.
The most painful things are lack of empathy and an inability to love. But if it's not narcist's fault, we should feel sorry for them. It's extremely difficult to treat them like an ill person....
Feeling sorry for them does not help them or you.. it drains you of energy and life while they remain untouched and apathetic to your constant giving.
Yes narcissist is perfect imitator
Good morning! Long ago I had a vision of my dad (the narcissist) while looking at him he was levitating in the air as a false yogi with false peace and tranquility, pretending to understand what I was talking about and to empathize with me. In my visual, this exposed his arrogance and perceived mental (air) superiority and also the error in his theology.
We would do this role play where he would say “can Shan come out to play?” And then tell me we’re childhood friends. He would do it after he triggered me. And I resented him bad for that. But this video just tells me so much. Thank you for this!
It was irresistible addictive! I was rendered into his mother and I fulfilled my role perfectly for years. But - sometimes the real intentions, motivations and manipulations broke through: callous, reckless, relentless, hatefull, envious…it was horrible see the change.
When my narc tried to come back after a breakup. She would use the sweet child like voice to get me back.. it does work.😮
Thank You for the enlightenment.😇❤🕊
Peace Love Happiness Kindness and Light to you, your family and to everyone reading this.
GOD BLESS💯💪🙏❤🌞🕊
It is sooo crazy seeing the parallels between this “dual mothership” phenomenon and my actual relationships.
When I broke up with my previous grandiose partner I told my friend “It’s going to sound weird to say this, but it feels more like he is my child than my boyfriend.” And I remembered having this distinct, almost maternal love and even “worrying” about him after breaking up like a mom would.
His mother actually passed away 2 weeks after we first started dating. And he would always tell me I had long hair like his mom.
In my more recent relationship with a different guy, I remember during an argument telling him “I’m not your mom and I’m not going to wait on you hand and foot like your mom does.” And I also told him I wasn’t his mom when it felt like he was being resistant or almost weirdly defiant towards me as if he was rebelling against his mother.
Same here. My narcissistic husband of 30 years is basically a spoiled, defiant child. He has always expected me to take care of him like a mother would. I am preparing to leave him, but I hate to admit, there's a part of me that worries about how he will do the day to day things I always take care of. 😢
@@annjohnson8437 I completely understand that strange worried/maternal feeling. I have been there. I separated from mine 2 years ago and started over completely but I can say that it has definitely gotten easier over time. Now I can look back on it from a distance and see it for what it was. Good on you for choosing yourself. Narcissists are great at survival and adaptation when it comes down to it. He can figure it out and not at your expense. We can't live to be a crutch for someone else, and there is no amount of loving him that will make him healthy. And vice versa. The only one who can "save" us is ourselves.
Thank you for explaining this, this way. It makes so much more sense and will make it more manageable to deal with some key people in my life. ❤ Thank you.
🤯 wow.. my ex totally did this infantalization thing.. my mind is blown to hear you talk about this. I kept going back n forth with whether my ex was a narc or just avoidant … now I see it 😮
The more I watch your videos the more I cannot believe how GOOD my narc was at this mess. He was no where near a doctor but Dr V hits the behaviors on the head act by act. Don’t know how I couldn’t see it
On point. Feeling trapped. Really needed to hear this today 🙏🏻
Beautifully presented. Thanks for your time and effort ✌
Congratulations on your success! That’s great news. “Narcissism pays”…haha!
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and insight. You are so very helpful. 🙏
"The child inside you is drawn, is attracted, is linked to the child inside her" is an answer that came to me after months of desperately asking myself "why am I being drawn to her like that, like I never was before with anyine, wanting to be by her side, especially when she is (apparently) going (internally) through hard times? Drawn, attracted with the power of two magnets attracting each other...?"
And with that answer and - through it - understanding why I was acting that way in the past year or so, finally came some silence and peace of mind within the mental, emotional and rational turmoil that was my mind at the time.
Her inner child showed (towards me, but most likely not only towards me) a vulnerability, a need for love, care and attention that I, or better said my inner child knew very well - as I missed those things in my own childhood, and, in time, I sort of brushed those unmet needs under the rug, locked them behind doors, with some nasty effects on my self, my emotional and social development over the long term. And that inner child was ready to offer them to anyone needing them, as he knew very well what that one is in need of.
It took me about 6 months into our relationship to slowly realise that something is not ok with her. A lot of 'somethings'. Some of them slipping into suprarealism. I started looking for answers. Dr. Vaknin's channels being one of the many sources, on YT and other platforms and sites.
In another 6 months after that I came to the (somewhat educated and amateurish) guess or belief that I am dealing most likely with BPD with some NPD traits. I could be somewhat wrong, but not by much, as I've been talking with a sum of people educated and licensed in psychology and psychiatry.
At some point she went for a while to therapy (I went to therapy also, independently from her and, for a while, without her knowledge, and it was the best choice I took in a while). Her therapist after about 6 months of seeing her issued to her a report stating PTSD - as her life has been filled with trauma and narcissistic abuse in past relationships. She stopped therapy after a while, as 'I am talking for 40 minutes and she, the therapist, doesn't tell me anything on how to fix all that' (It doesn't work like that, in therapy the psychotherapist just keeps a 'mirror' in front of you, and you are the one doing the work, the fixing once you get to understand things about yourself)
My therapist stated that, from my stories, most likely there is some form of *PD at play with her.
So, there. A very brief account in a very very tight nutshell.
@whatap-Professor_Samvak Agreed. Where to...?
One of your best videos!
Profound. Thank you so much ❤
Good morning prof sam vakim thankque for bring up the whole subject for better understanding to the majority people tks for all valuable talk
Congrats on your appointment. Thank you for the data. Helps keep on track. Strengthening.
Another brilliant explanation. Thank you!
great video, just subscribed. describes my experience exactly!
Children with ACE's have usually also been affected by alcohol, as a foetus in the womb. Alcohol is a toxin (hence the word 'intoxicated' and the most commonly ingested toxin in the world! When mothers drink alcohol in pregnancy, the alcohol freely crosses the placenta and kills the brain cells of the developing foetus, resulting in both physical and neurological disabilities. These disabilities are referred to as Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD). Therefore in addition to the impact of stress, trauma and abuse on the developing brain there is often also organic brain damage, caused by mothers drinking alcohol in pregnancy.
There are no studies to support this, but I agree that this hypothesis is worth studying.
My daughter is a narcissist and I did not drink alcohol in my pregnancy!
This is what I needed to hear. Thank you for explaining it so well.
My lord, my ex to the T. She was like an adorable child. This was broke my heart the most after she blindsided and discarded me.
Thanks for sharing your knowledge with us.
This video was very true and I realized that I was dealing with the narcsisst's 'inner child' and I thought several times he was going to kill me (from the soul). Now I am in distance so I have felt many times that's the reason I did not get anything physical as abuse. However, the wound is deep and I never realized how much damages I have received already. 'Childlike feature' also applies to the narcsisst I was dealing with. This video perfectly explained why. I felt exactly as if I was abandoning a child if I leave the narcsisst. So I am already settled that it was very severe case and it was the best thing I have done that I escaped before the narcsisst killed me.
Thank you for this analysis. This is very insightful.
this happened to me last week with my uncle he acted like a kid and I felt a pull towards him even tho he is a psychopathic narcissist always plotting
So bleak, yet fascinating. Do they love their own children or is this too a smokescreen?
Watch the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
@samvaknin Will do-thanks!
Very sobering thank you
You work is so important. I experienced narcessistic abuse and couldn t put a lable on it. Now I know it wasn t my fault how it went. And I m so greatful. Since I m now so aware of narcessistic traits I can spot those people very well. There are so many of them. Don t know how to cope with that realisation at the moment. I m grateful that I can spot them but sometimes I fear that I become their victim again. Some of my coworkers seem to be narcessists... So greatful for your explanations.
no no no no no. i am still so much in denial that this is her. her serial child-likeness was so off-putting and I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why. but I always felt this need to protect her. i hate all of this. all of it. but when i finally come to acceptance, it will be so beautiful and so damn freeing.
Sam,
Can you discuss how to deal with narcissistic adult children.
I don't know how we got here, but there must be a path to co exist without abandoning one self.
No one ever talks about dealing with Narcissistic grown children and yet grandchildren get thrown into the mix and it becomes very complicated.
It is excruciating having to let go of grandchildren but, on the other side, the peace is amazing and reinvigorating once you mentally move on from the nonsense.
No contact.
@@samvaknin It's very difficult indeed but I'm also ready to enjoy my life .
Your videos have opened my eyes and enabled me to see things for what they really are....this helped me to heal enough to see the other side.
I continue watching your videos to remind myself often of the confusion I once felt.
Thank you
Ps It took a long time to gain enough strength to go no contact ....I finally arrived.
Congratulations 👏 🎉
Congratulations! !
And thank you for this Video, I'm grateful to run across it. WoW.
No pun intended Doctor.
בוקר טוב שושן ✨💖 כמה ידע אתה מעביר. בתור קורבן לנרקיס, שעברה את זה בצורה אפילו הירואית יש לומר , חייב שיהיה כמה שיותר ידע על הנושא כדי שאנשים יבינו במהירות היכן הם באמת נמצאים. כי אחד הדברים הראשונים שהנרקיס שודד ממך הוא את חוש ההתמצאות . תודה ❤
It’s like ‘Chucky’ in that movie.
Pretty sure i am a covert malignant narcissist. I am considering going to a doctor for a diagnosis, but based on past experience, i am dubious of the veracity of some healthcare professionals. I don't know if the label would do more harm than good, as society views people like me as a monster. I have only told my father of my suspicions thus far..
Brilliant!
This makes me so sad. A walking grave. Ugh. I wish we could turn back time and protect those innocent little babies so they wouldn’t be emotionally screwed forever. 😢
Congratulations 🎉🎉🎉
Really profound insights. Thanks Sam 👍
Thanks! This is spot on! I've experienced it myself, very true.
Fascinating.
Powerful lesson sir...TYSM 😊
I’m all out of hope
One more bad dream
Could bring a fall
When I'm far from home
Don't call me on the phone
To tell me you're alone
It's easy to deceive
It's easy to tease
But hard to get release
Eyes without a face
(Les yeux sans visage)
Eyes without a face
(Les yeux sans visage)
Eyes without a face
Got no human grace
You're eyes without a face
I spent so much time
Believing all the lies
To keep the dream alive
Now it makes me sad
It makes me mad at truth
For loving what was you
Eyes without a face
(Les yeux sans visage)
Eyes without a face
(Les yeux sans visage)
Eyes without a face
Got no human grace
You're eyes without a face
When you hear the music, you make a dip
Into someone else's pocket then make a slip
Steal a car, go to Las Vegas
Ooh, gigolo pool
Hanging out by the state line
Turning holy water into wine
Drinkin' it down, oh
I'm on a bus, on a psychedelic trip
Reading murder books, tryin' to stay hip
I'm thinkin' of you, you're out there so
Say your prayers
Say your prayers
Say your prayers
Now I close my eyes
And I wonder why
I don't despise
Now all I can do
Love what was once
So alive and new
But it's gone from your eyes
I'd better realize
Eyes without a face
(Les yeux sans visage)
Eyes without a face
(Les yeux sans visage)
Eyes without a face
Got no human grace
You're eyes without a face
Such a human waste
You're eyes without a face
And now it's getting worse
This song should be my ex's anthem. I left after a 50+ year marriage or the black hole would have swallowed me.
My ex did this and I wanted to ask him several times to stop because I was very aware of this regressive effect it had on me.
He also called me and himself by some cute childlike variation of our names. It kind of disarms. This is why I never expected he had such a cruel, cold and harsh nature.
Thank you for your open access approach 🎉
This was tough to hear but i already knew smh
שמואל אתה הכי גבר שיש, אוהבים אותך 🌱
Yess…I was so tired of being his mother. It started feeling like I was sleeping with a child. It was uncomfortable and I felt shame. Then, it finally got to the point where the sex completely stopped. I still loved him but I didn’t understand what I was feeling until after the discard. He was addicted to sex and porn so I felt I had to sleep with him sometimes but it was like every month or every other month. I knew we couldn’t go on like this I felt shame and uncomfortability.
Hansel and Gretel
Congratulations🎉🎉🎉
I dated a guy who justified his immature behavior by saying "You must become like little children to enter the kingdom of Heaven".
Whoa! Sounds like he was good at manipulating. A good talker! 😂😂😂
Yikes!😬
He clearly didn't represent the true Kingdom of Heaven.
Christian covert narcissist!!
My ex said the exact same
We embryos stick together - made me laugh out loud
So helpful!!! 😸