Protest Behavior and Unmet Emotional Needs in Relationships
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 ม.ค. 2017
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my TH-cam channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Protest Behavior and Unmet Emotional Needs in Relationships
In this video, I talk about how unmet emotional needs can result in protest behaviors. Protest behaviors are tactics we resort to that demand emotional connection and acknowledgement.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
I'm so sick of being like this I've stopped the relationship even though it hurts it but I don't think he can reciprocate and I hate the person I become so because of what I've learnt from tour videos I've decided to be on my own to heal it's took me fifty years to get hear and after being clean for eighteen months from addiction I am still suffering and it's time to end it .your information is the first time it's all made sense to me thank you so much I was told not to watch youtube or diagnose myself but this is literally saving my life thank you thank you thank you🔥🔥❤❤🌱🌱🌱
This COMPLETELY opened my eyes... hearing you describe this type of behavior was like listening to you narrate so many times in my life where I lost control of my emotions and basically had the adult equivalent of a temper tantrum. I am really glad you offered a doable/reasonable solution to hopefully avoid moments like this in the future. Thank you! I feel so ashamed and relieved at the same time lol
Thanks for the feedback. Glad to hear this was eye-opening and helpful. Many people can relate. Thanks for commenting.
Pretest behaviour may make relationships worse, but if your partner lack abilities to emotions connections, so no matter how hard you work on your relationships, it does not make sense.
My guy has alexithymia so, its kind of impossible
You are so understanding of emotional needs and I always feel like you are talking to me one on one. We LOVE YOU ALAN!
This is why it’s best to just break up. Not getting your needs met is an insufferable position. Imagine being lied to and disappointed but it’s your reaction that is the problem.
My empathy goes out to you. These situations are difficult, and like you said, it would be painful experiencing an attachment injury and then being blamed for it.
So many people have experience this exact situation, resulting in various attachment injuries and traumas.
We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. It's an online space that is focused on Self-Directed Healing Work that encourages learning, growing, and of course, healing. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Due to the nature of your comment, as well as the content of the video you watched, you might be interested in my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. I have taken the familiar trauma reactions of Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn and expanded them to include relating strategies. I created a RELATIONAL model for when we are triggered and flooded by too much or not enough intimacy and vulnerability. I mapped out a blueprint for how most of us respond. Which of these describe your relationships? Find out more by taking the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Exactly they get all annoyed about our reaction and disappear.
Make us feel bad for assertion
That is called reactive abuse.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTraumathe link with quiz isn’t opening
fantastic video as usual. thank you again. Just one thing.... many people watching this may not realise their partner is an addict and if they're codependent they might need specific focused help instead of trying to get their needs met from someone who can't fulfil them (addict) or won't fulfil them (narcissist). They need to learn how to get their needs fulfilled by someone who wants to and can fulfil them
outofthegoldfishbowl etcetera
This is true. It took me two years of research and suffering , but my partner, who has been in chronic pain, is both an addict and a narcissist.
The fact that he has a bone condition requiring double hip replacements made me excuse the addict tendencies, also narcissistic behavior.
But in hearing him and family speak of things and witnessing it myself I believe he is both.
It's very confusing as an empath- I mean the man is getting his second hip done next week and in theory should be pain free for the first time in four years.
Yet he has admitted abuse of alcohol drugs and also neglectful behavior to his first wife- so I have a sinking feeling that even after the surgery , selfish drug seeking and emotional unavailability will continue.
I hang on due to guilt (he needs someone to assist right after surgery) but I have also prepared myself to throw away the fairy tale I've told myself will finally unfold once he is pain free.
Very confusing but I need to stop lying to myself.
I highly doubt he will change
Wow! I definitely have an attachment trauma. Using my tongue to cut as a form of protest behavior is what I do to my fiancé. Poor guy. Wow!!! Eyes have been opened. No wonder I've been single most of my life! Makes me sick to learn about all of my dysfunctional behavior. I had no idea! Between this video and your other one on unmet needs I have learned so much. I am grateful for being enlightened but at the same time I feel like crying.
I hope you’ve been able to do the work. Realising is half of it! I realise I want more connection and I protested and then my ex disappeared. Granted I’ve been in abusive relationships anyway but I acknowledge my own dysfunction for the first time as opposed to solely being victim. It DOES indeed make you want to cry!
I hope you feel better
This guy just described every relationship I've had.
Indeed, the immediacy of my emotion takes over, I need so much help with that. It’s unbearable. Stress, tiredness, caffeine, all make it worse.
I already feel it coming . I can become very independent of anyone and if I’m not getting what I want , someone else will meet them .
Goodness.
I've done this so much over the years. Thank you Alan! This is invaluable.
That's hilarious when you go on about the fridge door!
Blimey, you have just explained something which I have never understood about myself-it has been so pernicious in my life and I never understood it until watching this, thank you
This is me and my partner. It always amazes me how people repeat the same dynamics endlessly through time.
Per usual, I feel you are literally talking specifically to me. Forever grateful to you and this channel!
Paria, thanks for the feedback. I'm glad to hear this video resonated with you. Thank you for valuing my work. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
You make me laugh Alan. I so love the fridge talk. Your so intelligent.
i think i maybe a pouter lol man you are such a Godsend. i am learning about myself without the shame, thank you!
Brilliant! Thank you for all of it.
Glad my work delivers value. Thank you for valuing my effort.
This topic also comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I would really appreciate more videos on how to deal with attachment trauma during dating :)
You are brilliant Your works are highly professional and deep talanted You are so generous to give it all to us for free Thank you
Man this is me to a tee. Thank you so much.
This definitely describes my behavior, and I've been picking up on it more recently with a few people
I LOVE your insights. they are soooooo helpful. do you have any "scripts" or healthy prompts to use when trauma is activated, you feel an unmet need? I need help with exactly what to say in these moments when trauma mind has hijacked me. thank you for distilling such complex info esp when feeling overwhelmed and in pain. blessing and lifesaver.
Wow yup there's guilt here now :( thanks for the mirror though I needed to see it
Great video. Thank you! I did this many times before I realized. Now I stop myself and work on me. Lol!
Helen Bright
Yep, me too! Threshold crossed. I wish you well on your journey
I am enjoying the videos in which the more anxious or ambivalent partner is described, as would likely be experienced by the more unavailable partner.
However, I'm trying to find more videos focusing on situations explaining the dysfunctionality of the more avoidant/unavailable partners stance, as well as their protest behaviors, and their impact when they are dealing with unmet needs or conflict.
Thank you for helping us navigate relationships!
Me too
Best channel of it's kind, very full of useful information! I think some people may need a "splashier" way to be presented the information though, maybe like the ASAPScience method (illustrated videos). Is there a podcast available for these? I think these are ideal for that.
Groundbreaking insight.
Thank you, I'm so glad you relate with the content. We talked about this topic in the Community, I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Thank you for the comment. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
She broke up with me few months ago but continued living with me because of the dogs. After breakup she made romantic gifts to me and for a while she was very nice to me. But since the status was "off" I couldn't react properly and it felt weird. Now shes avoidant like normal and I still cannot approach her in any way, because of the "off" status. Its very strange, but it always felt strange with her. I decided to just move on. Somehow I get the feeling that when I am gone she will show up again. As far as I know myself this will be too late.
I love your videos and Ok i get whats being said. Buuuuut Sometimes .... our mates ARE knowingfully purposefully behaving crassly or rudely by anyones standards once too often and are testing our limits and boundaries w these kinds of buttonpushing behaviors. In that case?Hey they do deserve to be schooled SOMEtimes) a heartfelt apology can do wonders to defuse when we have disappointed eachother. Yes we DO need to recognize our own bad behaviors and know when weve crossed the line. Its not always innocent
oh so, so true!
When you realize you have tried and done all the wrong things for years in hope to connect. Now it's too late but the only thing you can do is learn from what happened and grow as a person.
Thank you for sharing with me and for engaging int he content.
Since this resonated with you, I recommend considering my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
So much insight in these videos! Alan, is there a difference between feeling like your needs are not being met and actually not having them met. Many times I'm unsure if I'm upset because my partner is not showing up for me or if I'm just upset because it FEELS this way BECAUSE of my attachment trauma history. Hope that makes sense.
Wow sorta confusing
Sometimes people gaslith and says there is connection , and there is not
My problem is ex-partners would do dumb shit, that I think is common sense, so yes I “protested”. Like c’mon... imagine never having dinner together and when you finally do, they walk in w other ppl!? To me that’s common sense to not do that and I’d like to be w someone who has basic common sense
Yes.
This applies to my bio family. Unkind cruel rejection and gossip. Triggered me recently. Ughhhhh
I don't think my ex was inadequate or critiquing him I just can't take the vicitm mentality thinking and blame and called him out on it. When I did I was made out like I was mean, negative and abusive 😔
This sounds really difficult. Thank you for sharing and for engaging with the video. I appreciate that you value my work.
Many of our emotional states-of-mind are linked to or impacted by past trauma. This is often referred to as emotional flashbacks. Then, we find ourselves responding to these emotional triggers in predictable ways. I realized I needed to create a course to explain this further.
I have taken the familiar trauma reactions of Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn and expanded them to include relating strategies. I created a RELATIONAL model for when we are triggered and flooded by too much or not enough intimacy and vulnerability. I mapped out a blueprint for how most of us respond. Which of these describe your relationships?
Do you fight and yell and demand attention?
Do you withdraw, isolate, and keep others at “arm’s length”?
Do you stand silent with “big eyes” and go inside yourself?
Do you quickly smooth things over, cover up your hurt, and appear agreeable?
When our attachment bonds are compromised, distress shows up as fear and anxiety. Many of us will default to one of the Four Responses to manage this distress, specifically our Fight reaction becomes Poking, Flight becomes Running, Freeze becomes Hiding, and Fawn becomes Submitting.
Here is the link to the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
omg I think I should just give up and stay alone forever... why shouldn't they know they have "failed"? I just can't deal with it anymore.
I agree...I think this is really bad advice because it sounds like he's advocating that transparent communication of any kind from the partner with needs is a problem.
I am trying to figure out exactly what it is about this particular audio that feels so upsetting.. I cannot quite put my finger on it.. Perhaps it is because so many of the other ones have been so unbelievably validating to what has been going on in my relationship but this seems to take it away somehow.. this relationship has often elicited protest behavior in me yet none of my prior relationships have ever done that... I frequently feel like I'm screaming to be heard, seen and understood and end up being told I am having a tantrum, I am too sensitive.. too emotional and many other things... so at what point do you not feel that you are making things worse as you mentioned in this audio but just that is how it is and perhaps it should not be so?
Terry K. Harrigan maybe your partner is a narc. Maybe he /she is cheating. gambling. alcoholic. debting... an addict. I which case you could try Al Anon or study narcissism to see if that feels familiar
Terry K. Harrigan I am grieving this with my husband, who is passive aggressive and narcissistic as well as fearful/dismissive and avoidant. Its terrible bc after three years of separation he will STILL say he loves me and wants to be together. WE sre not divorced and hes financially supportive but that's it. Theres no empathy, compassion or guilt but hes goid at blaming, shaming, controlling and manipulating the situation as I left due to the abuse. please take care of yourself bc it will hinder your health as did mine. Luckily, Ive done a lot of inner work for 4 years and I'm ready to go for good.
Sometimes we meet people that are not healthy and they trigger our own wounds. In this case it is okay to draw a line and walk away.
Terry K. Harrigan I think He isnt talking about toxic partners. , He should have specified in the video though that what he is saying doesnt apply to Narc or other toxic partners. I think he is talking about 2 partners where one is a emotionally healthy partner and the other is playing out their dysfunctional neediness pattern due to childhood attachment trauma.
Alan should have mentioned this , because, Yes this video might seem invalidating towards some peoples dysfunctional emotional lifetime experience. I am also a sufferer of Narcissistic abuse due to my narc parents.
hey this is amazing!
Crazier yet is when I
my needs have been met in the beginning but then taken away….yet he still wants to be with me.🤷🏼♀️
I hear you.
Great video, but I'm confused because on another video you said that it's natural for our nervous systems to be lit up when we feel the emotional disconnect. Was the video that you mentioned the straight face experiment. So is it natural to feel the uncomfortability of disconnect, and protest our feeling of disconnect much like the child in the experiment? Sorry, I'm confused
Sitting on a cupboard door😂
Therapists need to realize more often than they do that if some ones to your office or watches your TH-cam videos they are doing the best they can. Even if someone has some sort of attachment issue I’m pretty sure they are willing to talk about it but the outcome with their partner sucks. It’s the partner who is an asshole in this context.
Is protest behavior the same as manipulative behavior? Like acting distant and cranky if sex didn’t occur on the proper day/on schedule?
I already did the protest behaviour and now everything is over. I feel awful about myself.
I hear you and can empathize. I can understand this space. I hope you can allow in some self-compassion. Thanks for connecting with this video and responding.
If you want to learn more about our default behaviors that can show up as protest and keep us from staying emotionally open then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Take the quiz to learn more:
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I don’t understand why it’s important to defend thoughtless behavior
Refrig door! Ha.
Glad you like that one.
Subconscious. Its called subconscious
It’s very insightful but I always end up curious about how to handle it if it’s not expressing the needs to your partner, I understand great part of it is making yourself aware of your own traumas but are my needs something I have to provide to myself or can I actually expect from a partner to give me certain security through things that are important Specifically to me (like calling at certain times, etc)? I’m really confused :/
I hear you and thanks for your question. While I cannot always answer questions directly due to the range of conditions and history unique to each situation, I do value your exploration and curiosity. We grow by asking questions.
I created a system of submitting questions as ideas that I might explore on future videos. If you would like your question to be considered, please submit it via my website by going to www.alanrobarge.com/questions
Also due to the nature of your question, you might be interested in taking the quiz about The Four Attachment Distress Responses. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you so much, this quiz is really helpful!!!!
We're both pouting right now. He's on drugs and neglectful and supposed to be going to rehab. Im pisses hes lieimg again hes pissed that I'm pissed.
Walk away. Cut off. No contact.
I cannot quite agree on this. If you state to your partner that you want more emotional connection and support from them and instead of taking it seriously they are pushed away by this absolutely normal request, it is not your trauma speaking, it is you two being way too different to stay partnered. If your partner invites you to a dinner and bring two other people with them without warning, it's your partner's irresponsibility in providing full context for a meetup, and not your trauma again because being invited somewhere that is not a party or similar thing without being told about others automatically implies that this is going to be just for the two of us. Otherwise it is as if I ask a guy out for a drink without telling hi
m that I actually have two more dates at the same bar at the same time.
Great insight. I see you were engaged with this content by what you shared. It's so good that we're talking about skillfully communicating our requests for emotional connection. Thanks for commenting.
If you aren't already aware of it, you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Educating ourselves on attachment distress can help us learn new relating skills.