"We have to be the archaeologist of our own suffering..." But not with a pickaxe! Wow, that stood out to me, Sam. You've given us all so much information on which to ruminate. Thank you!
“The true self doesn’t need surgery, doesn’t need hormones, doesn’t need to be anything - it is.” We come home to that truth when we let go of the misunderstanding of who we thought we were”. You nailed it Sam!
So are there any trans people at all in the world? If i am a continuum of all that is, including the movement between masculine and feminine, am i a little bit different than the so called normal people - for example my parents?
@@KaiNovotnyMatejka we all have a divine masculine and feminine (part) inside of us. It depends on our "blueprint" (or copingmechanisms) , which side gets the biggest role in our life. I am a 63 year old woman and my masculine side is more dominant. I behave like a stereotype constructionbuilder at times although I am "built" like a small ,slim asian woman, am "hetero" and have 4 children. Never felt that I was in a wrong body though. Everybody is different. That makes us all the same😊
Thanks@@EugenieMacGillavry . But I don´t undestand why coping mechanisms should have such an impact on our lives. So you being masculine menas, that it is not your natural energy - that you miss something from the feminine side - because life made you this way? Or is it your natural energy you feel at home with - closest to your True Self as you can get?
After release from those prisons felt so good, God is teaching me how to truly love others. What I once thought was love was not even close. Better than anything and keeps getting better. Abundant life.
This is way beyond comforting, I'm tired of trying, it's ridiculous doing anything other than being. I love you very much Sam, painfully beautiful to hear all the echos of what used to be ❤
I think the hardest lesson we need to learn is understanding that we are not our thoughts. The inner dialogue is a conditioning when we were naked and vulnerable but it no longer serves us we must let it go!
Sam, you have deeply touched my heart. Your soul is absolutely beautiful. I wish as a mom I could take all of your pain, shame, sadness, away. "Terrified toddler" makes me want to vomit. I don't understand how people can mistreat something so precious. Jesus loves you so much. Accept who you really are in Christ. You are perfect with Him. NONE of us are enough. We are need something else. We will only find the love and grace we need in Him. You are a wonderful human. That is so rare.
@@melissapoole8580 Hi Melissa Good afternoon I hope my comment didn't sound as a form of privacy invasion your comment tells of a wonderful woman with a beautiful heart which led me to comment I don't normally write in the comment section but I think you deserve this complement. If you don’t mind can we be friends? Thanks God bless you….🌺🌺🌺
the way you can transfer your perspective in what you say is beautiful, you taking the time till it feels right again to share again is beautiful, thank you again
Be gentle, small changes everyday, habits , routines that hold us where we are. Change invites more change , before you know it, you're in motion and are being offered new pathways . It starts with you !
thank you Sam.. please don't listen to the mean people.. i think there are many more of us that think you are Amazing and Strong. Shame.. i know it well. He hurt me over and over and said "its ok" but it wasn't. so thank you for helping me to love myself and to not feel shame one day.
@@janetmesserschmidt5888 Hi Janet Good afternoon I hope my comment didn't sound as a form of privacy invasion your comment tells of a wonderful woman with a beautiful heart which led me to comment I don't normally write in the comment section but I think you deserve this complement. If you don’t mind can we be friends? Thanks God bless you….🌺🌺🌺
Good afternoon Sam from a cold windy West Yorkshire. Your video's help so many people as you express your thoughts so eloquently , and from the heart .Everyone will of couse take away certain insights from what you say , and in my case there was three things you said that resonated deeply within me . The first was '' When we have the jagged noise of self hate there is no stillness, just noise''., the second ''You're doing the work of your abusers'' , which I can identfy with , and the third was ''Let it fall into time where it belongs , that one sentence alone was so profound , easy to say but so hard to let go ,,but it is pivotal to healing . Thank you Sam xx
Even though you and I are two different humans with different experiences, you don’t know how helpful your videos have been for me. How beautifully spoken. I really appreciate this. God Bless you on your journey.
What a beautiful image, Sam 🙆 "An archaelogist of ourselves, digging gently into all those layers". When we find a way of loving ourselves, every experience is understood and the fear, pain, doubt, disappear. We finally are "at home" in ourselves. As you also said in the other video 💛 You speak in a very unique way, Sam. And I think you can reach many other souls. You speak as if it was poetry about reality.
That's beautiful indeed, it is like the phasing out of the phrase 'be still and know that I am god' doesn't even end with the word 'be' but with the stillness that comes after it.
Sitting in silence, thinking about all my past selves that were broken, desperate to feel comfortable, and needed someone to understand. That someone to understand is me. The expansive love I experienced when I had finally seen my past selves as apart of me changed my life deeply. I see ourselves having a deep internal light within us all. As we age and life scars us, layers are laid over that light. The light becomes hard to see, or almost even impossible. We have nothing to “reach” too. We have the peace we’ve wanted all along within us. The journey to get there is just like you said “being our own archeologist”. Slowly peeling, surfacing, and gently picking through our wound and traumas. We all have a shared internal light/paece. We have nothing to strive for that is outside ourselves. We are enough. We have always been enough.
Hate will always be there! But your courage to put yourself out there and be vulnerable is inspiring. I love listening to you! Thank you for your true sincerity and honesty to bring the things you talk about to light. I was so helped by your speaking! May God continue to heal you and bless you!
This really resonated with me. Modern life’s great religion is busyness and not being still. It’s a radical act to just be still and to know oneself. Thank you Sam for this beautiful reminder
Be still and know that I am… that’s beautiful and true. It can be so hard to step into the light and into the truth of our being but it’s only then that we can truly come alive. There is an undiscovered country within if we can set aside the lies of the past and step into the light of our authenticity. Thank you for your posts Sam. I don’t feel quite so alone.
I'm sorry I'm rushing to comment without even watching the video first but the title alone distills what I've been thinking lately. WOW. Incredible. I had/have this weird fascination with detransition despite not having that experience myself and it was a bit weird to me why that was. It has slowly dawned on me that what I so relate to is the deep craving to be seen, which then chased with a persona, a mask, all kinds of elaborate stories. Wow, Sam. I've been following for a long time and recently I've gone back to watch some of your older videos and the journey you've been on has been and is remarkable.
Amen! Be still and know that i am God! He is our Father God! We are his beloved Sons and daughters, he is our Abba Father. Your a beautiful man Sam. Be praying for you Sam.
Thank you, Sam, for being so transparent in your journey. You are changing the world for the better one video at a time! I’m in awe of your bravery❤. Sending you lots of love from Canada.
Prior to your acknowledgement that 'We are all transitioning', I was thinking that I identify so much with your personal journey ... while on the surface our lives look so different ... I have survived abuse, I have lost everything, and yet I am beginning to feel freer than I ever had because I lost ... I absolutely love the imagery in your words, the emotions / feelings in every word, I feel myself in your words, it is deeply cathartic and healing ... I would offer the folowing suggestion: perhaps you are writing a book within your videos ... if you have not thought of doing so, and do not visualize yourself as an author, just as a suggestion, write down each word that you have spoken here (just this video, for starters), don't change a word, write it all down and that would be a part, segment of the book to come ...... these words are magical, they are healing ... and if you want to think about it differently, just think of all the people in all walks of life that could use these healing words .... perhaps a TED Talk etc. may also be a part of your future ... Love to you my friend, and Thank you so much for being as courageous as you are and for walking this journey of life ... in my opinion ... true courage emerges from within us when we make a decision to face ourselves, in all our brokenness, and find ourselves, name ourselves worthy 🙂💜
Sir Sam, your eloquence with words & heart are pure poetry. Thank you for sharing your Self with us. I see you are becoming a healer. A beautiful beautiful, beloved wounded healer, standing in his light. Father to his baby boy self. Honest & earnest as all get out! Bless you! Glad i found ya today. ❤
I've just stumbled onto this and was shaken. I never knew that there was anything like this. How ignorant can one person be? BTW, I'm a 79-year old woman and suffer no illusions. However, my heart goes out to those in your shoes - or shall I say boots? 😊 What a lesson I learned today - thank you. I've subscribed because I want to learn more. You flipped me with Ram Das!
I am 64 and I had the same "ran into sam" unexpectedly, one day, a while back. God is using him in such a still, deep (profound) way.. it's so amazing to hear and watch. So inspired by his self awareness and ability to articulate the untangling of the cords that bound him. ❤ Nice to meet you here.. 💦 refreshing to hear, isn't it.
I'm sorry for your past wounds and the pain you carry. But Sam your discernment is profound. To listen to you is to be made warm in the soul. Thank you for such beautiful composition. Eloquent truth. You have a gift my friend.
Wow, it's mesmerizing to listen to you even if one is not from such a tough upbringing or abused; the way you have with words and speak truth from the source resonates with souls from all walks of life. It's all about self love; as we are all one, that means love for all; and we are all here to learn that. Please keep making videos as it is healing to many many souls, and hopefully to you as well.
Sam, so wonderful to see you and hear your voice and heart again. "I'm not a problem to be fixed." Wow. Thank you for this. I spend my days, and some nights trying to figure out how to fix and change myself. You've just given me the permission I've needed all my life, to no longer want or need to fix or change myself. Blessings 🙏🙏
My child recently asked me what transgender is. I took a deep breath and took a few steps back in my explanation. I live in a place where opinions swirl all around about transitioning, and some think it is ok to exclude parents from their children’s childhood. So I started with asking my child who they turn to when they are sick with a cold or fever or tummy ache or other malady. It’s us parents, not teachers or coaches. Then I asked my child what they wanted to be when they grow up. I compared that to what they answered 4, 3, 2, and 1 year ago. All answers were different and explained that as young people grow older, they have different ideas about things like that, favourite songs and favourite food. I also explained about genes that give us physical traits, and one set that determine our gender. Then I finally answered the question about transgender. I asked my child if they felt they were a gender different from what they were born with. They listed the things about themselves that they thought made them more of the opposite gender. I said that those don’t necessary mean they are the opposite gender, but those characteristics are like hair colour and height, determined not by the genes that make them a boy or a girl, but by the other genes. I said some people do things to themselves that are permanent, and some, not all, change their minds. I said if they feel they are transgender, we can make that change together, but not until they are closer to being settled into who they are. I’m trying to do my best for my child, and keeping my fingers crossed that I am. Thank you for being so honest about your experience. It is helping me to relate to all sorts of people, most especially to my child. It’s also allowing me to move forward with my own issues. If I fall, I can always get up again. ✌️
You have such a beautiful way of putting that what you live through into words. So clear and so to the point, so expressive. A process making it so recognizable for other going through this healing process of the fragments to just be. Send you my Love. There is so much joy in living 😊❤
I have never understood really the whole business of transition, etc. Your video is the the most helpful, useful, and deeply moving in its honesty and deep understanding of the human condition that I've ever, ever ,ever come across. Thank you for sharing what must have been an extremely traumatic life until this moment. My most sincere gratitude for revealing your deepest self to the world in order to help us understand the suffering that lies behind an appearance . Also to help us see how much love,respect, mercy,and compassion we are all in need of.Thank God for your life, you are living the best one now in its reality and you are so humble and truthful, my heart is so moved with your story. I love that saying of Ram Dass :we are walking each other home. Beautiful to see your closeness to God...be still... we all need this!❤❤❤Big hugs and lots of love and compassion ❤
Sam...I watch your videos and I fill with exuberance because I can see something in you that you are on the brink of seeing yourself. You are so close love. Just keep walking and talking and just be. I wake every morning naturally between 3 & 4 am. I have been doing this for decades. I don't do any formal meditation or prayers, I just sit in the silence and in that silence, I hear and am aware of everything. I AM and that is ALL there is. Don't seek what you already have and are. I just wish I could be in your presence and walk in the woods with you. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever come across. Much, much love.
Just found your channel. The wisdom you have about others and the self is of a kind unavailable to those who know the subject only academically. You’ve been to the gates of hell and stared through, you’ve been to the edge of the abyss and peered in. Yet you turned the other way and came back. I’m working my way through your videos and wanted you to know how thankful I am to you for sharing your experience
You are so lovely and wise. I like your idea of archeology. I have gone through a similar process of uncovering deep structures in my psyche and I wish I would have had that more gentle metaphor for what it was. Ongoing of course. Thank you as always. And much love to you.
“You misunderstood who you were… “ this says so much Sam. The paradox of not being to blame and yet having much to forgive yourself for was so helpfully explained. Thank you 🙏
I think your Honesty and Courage in Looking Within is..genuinely admirable. I don't Necessarily believe the search for Self leads to Understanding and Peace. Maybe Yes, maybe No. We can get lost in Our Minds and Narcissism can take over...self obsession. Again, please know I'm not trying to be cruel. Ultimately, we all handle things our own way.
I carried shame for most of my life. Jesus loved me when I was at my worst. Our paths are different but I hope you call out to the Savior. He has healed me from things that I didn't even know I was carrying. It takes time like the layers of an onion being peeled away. God's beautiful creation. Blessings and Peace that comes from the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit!
I find so much Beauty in your words. You are so wise. I’m not trans or de-transitioning. But I have always felt I have never fitted in. On the outside looking in not really belonging. Thank you Sam for just being you and opening up your life.
You have no reason to feel shame. The shame falls squarely on the shoulders of the people who destroyed the innocent child you were. Let go of the shame and give it to the people who truly own it.
Thank you for posting, you know you're thought of so often by many and your vulnerability makes us feel protective of you. You are SPIRIT, beautiful, strong, and resilient, and this journey is just one phase of the "forever" journey we're on. We all go through terribly painful, lonely, soul-crushing experiences and making it through all this together in LOVE seems to be why we're all here. Idk, but that's my theory, and hugs to you! I ordered a copy of the poetry book you read to us from ❤
Wow, especially what you said about actually being here, taking up space and being seen. Unfamiliar and terrifying if you're doing it for the first time. I love your truth. Thank you ❤❤❤❤❤
As I watch your videos and listen to your thoughts, I'm overwhelmed by how I feel so similarly and your words touch on my pain and experiences. I think you have so much to add to the world and your life and experiences can help so many. Your healing and insights that you are struggling to obtain, is what many of us want to obtain but are afraid of the process, the pain, the unknown. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You've made me want to be more authentic, more honest, more accepting.
I saw your eyes twinkle and a big grin when you spoke about the rain clouds coming. That was fun to see the playfulness in you come out. I was thinking that you might be ready to write a book about your discoveries. Your life started with a script that was not good for you, and you realized that. Then, you wrote a replacement script that looked like it would be good for you. Upon trying that script, you discovered this replacement wasn't right for you, either. Lessons were learned and you have written a script that does fit now. From my listening and watching, I do see the confident man coming through. No matter the cheekbones and jaw restructuring was done - XY genetics is unmistakable. This is coming from a woman who has seen men becoming more powerful because of understanding themselves and believing in God's love and high esteem for them. Sam, you are a blessing from God.
Thank you for giving me strength and helping our walk feel ok….but my arms wrap around you and then it’s like the wrap goes around me for a completely different shame.❤ please continue to lead the way …away from Shane. You’r e so full of wisdom, not lifting you up, but you don’t even understand how much truth is in you and it saves all of us. Bless you and thank you.
This all rings so true. Thank you. I use a mantra over and over again every day, "progress over perfection ". Slowly my life moves forward. Thank you Sam xxx
Thank you for sharing your story, I’m so sorry that you or anyone else had to go through childhood trauma, I have been in counseling for many years and have been helped tremendously by Tim fletchers videos as well as Gabor mate, not sure if you have listened to either of them but they are here on TH-cam. I hope nothing but the best for you.
So much love to you!!! I too have been making videos about my detransition story recently and have been absolutely blown away by the overwhelming positive and supportive loving, empathetic comments I have received. You are so well spoken and articulate so well your story and perspective that it is and will continue to touch the hearts of those willing to hear! I too have gotten hate. Told many times "You weren't REALLY trans if you could go back to living as your birth sex. Real trans is forever!" they imply. I used to think the same as I know you did as well. Or you wouldn't have taken things as far as you and I did. I wasn't living it as long as you were, but I see a lot of similarities in your and my path of coming to the place we are now. "We have to be the archaeologists of our own suffering". I LOVE that! That's exactly what I have done over the past few years. Examining to great extremes every last little childhood experience that caused me to form the identity I did and why I felt the need to live as a woman and deny who I actually was. Going down this path has taught me profound and irreplaceable lessons in life that I would not have learned had I not done this. Losing my precious body parts in the process was a tragic side effect, but at least I am still alive and happy and free of the confusion that I lived with for my entire life now that I have mined enough of my underworlds to understand what made me who I became. Much love to you! I feel like we may have to talk sometime soon. ❤
Sam, you are one of the most bravest, articulate and authenic individuals I have ever listened to; What you are doing in the space, in this time, is touching thousands and I am confident bringing comfort to so many. Your message is universal, regardless of gender or background. Everyone has struggles and somtimes very deep issues that must be dealt wiith if one wants to live a life of joy. Thank you for you taking the time and energy to share your journey - it is not an easy thing. Peace be with you...
You are such a gentle soul, your words of wisdom are of great comfort... god holds you gently in the palms of his hands and loves you unconditionally 🙂
My God. Your introspection is piercing. Which in itself, is a powerful attribute to have. But your humble and truthful study of your-self or just the Self is mesmerizing. The way you analyze your personal faults has a certainty. An air of confidence and understanding. Yet compassion and loving. I've always had a fascination with self discovery. Ever digging to find the truth of oneself in every aspect. Like gardening, one is always busy at their task. Weeding out unwanted plants. Caring for the desired ones, planting new ones. There is landscaping to be done. Even architecture to be built. I was a lonely child. My patents did not know how to love me or my siblings. My mother was distant. She used guilt and shame as an all powerful weapon. I had little to no contact with other children. Affection was non existent and I never learned how to socialize. Combined with my father never teaching me how to ne a man, I grew up not knowing who I was. I took apsects of personalities i saw on TV.. what little I could from my father which was mostly aggresive bluster and seriousness. The rest I made up. Never learned to joke or not take myself seriously. Every light hearted joke at my expense was taken personally because I didnt know any other way to internalize it. I had crippling social anxiety. I struggled to make friends and spent my entire childhood and young adult life not knowing WHO I was. Eventually this fragile house of cards I called ME broke. Everything i ignored, covered and stuffed away came flooding to the surface like it was always going to do. Like a raging torrent I was overcome. Culminating in a failed relationship, loss ofy job and the birth of my daughter. This was my darkest hour. My "Dark night of the Soul". (not the birth of my daughter, but the anxiety of knowing i was not whole and had so much work to do, and because of that, I would fail as a father) Long story short I came face to face with my false self. That caricature I built of who I thought I was could not hold anymore. I made dramatic discoveries about my true Self. I buried myself in ancient mysteries, religion and even occult wisdom. I realized I was not my body, my past, my mistakes. Since then I have learned so much and came so far. To commemorate this time in my life I got a tattoo on my right forearm, a phrase that I believe contains deep philosophical insights. Written on the Temple of Apollo in Delphi, "Nosce te Ipsum" or Know Thyself. That I may never forget who I am, who I truly am. That was 12 years ago. I think i will subscribe to your channel Sam. I think there is so much I could learn and glean from your videos. While our paths and pain may be different in essense and magnitude, I believe that insights that have helped you may help me. I see a certain stoicism in you that I think helps you and draws me to your insights. The wellspring of strength you draw from to help you overcome your pain is powerful. Be it, God, be it your True Self, your spiritual guide, SOMETHING is there. I saw it your previous video when I first found the channel. Like a sixth sense i can just see it.
Thank you for sharing this. Yes, I hear you. I had a similar shattering of the false self and in emptiness began the discovery of truth . Beyond the constant naming and confining everything , in fear, reducing the world into a manageable story. Surrender to the mystery comes as a relief . I see so clearly now that the suffering endured is our resistance of the unknown. We fear the vastness of that mystery that also lives in us. Your comment under my last video got a great response. I'm glad you have now subscribed. I shall look forward to your comments . By the way, I'm thinking of launching a patreon for members where I can hold more intimate and open discussion in the form of a q and a. Thanks again.... and see if you can find your previous comment, read the responses.
@@Call-Me-Sam It means a great deal to hear back from you. Thank you for taking time to reply to me. Very true words about the surrender to the mystery of life and ourselves. Fear of the unknown is so pervasive. I lost so many years afraid .. hiding in a shell with no light to find the exit. I still have so much work to do yet I've come so far. Although time waits for no one and I'm not getting any younger.. At least I can say that i've started to learn to love the process. The ups AND downs. I'm glad I subscribed and I genuinely look forward to your videos. I'll keep an eye out for Patreon and I'll check out those replies.
I was going to comment my story and struggles but I dont want to burden anyone. I cope by isolating, I struggle with it now. But I am trying to recognize myself without judgment, I got two 30min therapy sessions from the free mental health clinic and I'm trying to see them as often as I can, it's helped to think about it and address it instead of ignoring myself and letting my negative thought patterns go on. I am struggling now but I have been through a lonely complicated and challenging life and I am still breathing. I am glad to be here, in some small way, with you. I feel grateful for you sharing your hard fought for wisdom and perspective. I am better off thanks to you, your courage, and your vulnerability. I hope I can find my peace and I hope I can share it with others like you have.
I relate to breaking down being a double edged sword, I have to quit my job over a month ago and ran out of money quick, I still don't have a job. I can't get out of my room even though I'm a 29 year old man. But I am taking my time and reflecting, sobering up, I am hoping.
You are here for a reason, something is wanted from you, why else would you exist ? getting past our self, letting go of what we think we want and who we think we are, and beginning to seek the truth beyond self, is where we discover our purpose ... keep asking questions, keep opening to the moment, feeling more deeply, seeing more clearly and your path will reveal itself. You are being invited into relationship, there you will find peace and fulfilment .
@Call-Me-Sam You are right, there is a big difference between my depressed mind telling myself im a burden and what you are sharing with me. I can not say I have thought about it that way. As I type this I am thinking about how we are born with the ability to love and be loved, I was always drunkenly told growing up I was born as a 'happy accident,' but accidental or not, being born seems to me like an act of love in itself, before I could even think in language there were times were the only thing I needed to be was myself in the world and to receive and share that love, kindness and curiosity. I am thinking about how we are all born with an unspoken hope. It is difficult to think of positive things about myself but one thing I think I can say is that I have always been sensitive and kindhearted for better or worse, and I think I have, in small ways, shown the world some of the kindness I have refused to give myself. I have been told throughout my life, again for better or worse, that I am someone who is good to confide in, someone that listens, cares and at times I have even been called a good teacher. I am in the process of understanding the need to see the world outside of my own negative and narrow view. Even though I am apart of the world the world is still so much more vast than I can understand and I have to acknowledge my limitations. It is a view that does not hold up to any real scrutiny. But I do struggle to see past myself and my self-imposed limitations through avoidance, it feels like an inverted narcissism and I struggle with that guilt. It makes it more difficult to show up for myself but I am trying to give myself grace so I can heal and break out of these cycles. It is difficult and overwhelming to think through but I have been successfully sobering up and I have been thinking about, working through, and journaling my thoughts and memories. I have been trying to truly feel and understand and I have spent days now weeping because I'm finally asking myself these simple questions that I never wanted to think about out of some misguided idea of preservation, and I am glad that soberity is giving me the ability to feel this grief. I am hoping I can untangle myself and my positive memories from the negativity that seems tangled in every undistracted thought. I have gained some clarity and your videos have helped me with that. I think I understand what you mean when you say I am invited, I am hoping I show up. I am hesitating not to delete the first half of this comment because I hope I haven’t misunderstood you too much or taken to much of your time, I can be very oblivious at times. I am still learning from you and I appreciate your help and guidance. Thank you for your time and kindness. - Eric Gulick
Eric, you're doing great. Your comment shows insight, sensitivity and understanding. Sobriety is very helpful, well done . Trust your intuition, let that guide you forward into places that need to be explored. Reflecting on my own process over recent years, at the beginning of awakening there was already an understanding of the way forward and what I would have to go through to surrender. As the process unfolded, that initial understanding has not changed but has become clearer and clearer. It was my refusal that prolonged the suffering but maybe that was also an essential part of the process. I think deep down we already know the way, we just don't want to let go of the illusion that our lives are our own, that we can do what we want and all will be well. In the words of Thomas Merton " we gain only what we give up and if we give up everything, we gain everything " Take care and treat yourself with kindness, this is vital and really the beginning of radical self acceptance, which in turn is the beginning of the end of inner conflict If that makes sense. 😊
@Call-Me-Sam I will, thank you, Sam. Your words have been comforting and illuminating in a troubled moment in my life. I value what you have said to me greatly, and I am appreciative of you and your strength. I wanted to reply more quickly, my way to soberity has been a roller-coaster of feeling drained and apathetic one moment to feeling a racing claustrophobic anxiety the next. I have also had a lot to think about, thankfully. I do feel like I have been in conflict with myself. I have been rewriting this wondering what I want to say and how I want to say it. Being vulnerable can be terrifying I think, because you are letting go of control in a way. What you have said makes a lot of sense to me, to the extent I think the term synchronicity is fitting, I understand what you mean when you say follow your intuition because the voices and knowledge that I have found myself trying to pay attention to, particularly lately, have all dovetailed with each other in their humanity, they point in the same direction and make me feel like I am not alone among others. I feel like at some point I was set on a path, but a path with a fog so thick at times that I lose myself and my orientation, I believe I know what you mean when you say that in a way that you always knew the way but met resistance with yourself. I believe I am starting to deal with that refusal now. I find myself in doubt, I question my authenticity because I feel like I lack the ability and willpower to make these changes. I do feel in the way of myself, like there is a part of me that just wants to stay in comfort even if it is a harmful, false, and fading comfort. Other times, like right now writing this to you and thinking about what storms I have weathered, I know change will come one way or another, I know that I will do my best in the world and I can see my strength and intention and I know it will be a matter of time and focus. I looked into Thomas Merton, and I came across Merton's Prayer of Unknowing and I found another voice leading me to kindness. I will try to follow that kindness. You're an awesome person, Sam. I'm glad our paths have crossed. Remember always that you have helped me and many others in a very meaningful way.
a few weeks from 39, and I've never felt more comfortable with myself then I do now. it's strange, how much my attitudes on alot of things have really done a 180 in the past few years, but that change has helped me feel far more safe, happy, and hopeful. I've been spending more time in nature, being active, and just genuinely interacting with others and its all felt so good. Being surrounded by what's real and natural, it brings such peace. Keep loving yourself and keep moving forward ❤
Hello dear Sam. I ordered David Whyte: Essentials last week. It just arrived late yesterday so im looking forward to spending my weekend reading it. I have loooooved your quotes from his poems so i went ahead and bought the book. I also ordered The Body Keeps the Score that you've mentioned a time or two. That's one im going to have to read and digest in small portions as it goes quite deep. Much love and blessings to you!! Im so thankful for you and your willingness to candidly share your journey with all of us. You are a tremendous blessing. Thank you for being beautiful you. You're loved and appreciated by many. You really are. Myself included. ♥
Sam, each time that I have listened to you, I have learned about concepts like forgiveness of others as well as self. This video is deep, and very helpful. It's amazing and so kind that you would share all about your journey, to help others. I am humbled. And I am touched by your bravery. You deserve the best. I have subscribed. What you have to say is worthwhile. You are worthy.
Your words ring in my soul like a large bell! You are a wise, wise being who has been forged in fire! You have become a strong blade of discernment. I am in awe of your strength! Much love friend. Peter
You have an incredible way with words, Sam. I have been struggling with similar feelings, yet was lucky enough to not do anything irreversible. Our healing journeys are similar, though. I'd love to meet you, one day, perhaps. Thank you for being you. Incredibly lovable, incredibly precious.
Hello, Your channel is growing wonderfully! I hadn't seen any of your videos pop up in about 2 months and so I just did a search and am so happy to see how your channel is growing so great. Your content is so authentic. Thank you. Wishing you continued great blessings.
This video is profound. I'm in a dark night of the soul and it's exactly what I needed to hear. Trauma can be so crippling, erode one's self-worth. I desperately need to believe that I am not my trauma, I can create my own story, one of wholeness, self-worth, and hope. I always get so much from your videos. I hope they are as healing for you to make as they are for us to watch. Your honesty about this healing journey is so courageous and gives so much to the world. I wish you continued healing, plenty of time in nature, and a feeling of being loved, just as you are. Watching your videos, I am full of love for you - not romantic love - a deeper love that comes from someone revealing who they are, including the wounds they carry, and bearing witness to their truth and the totality of their being. Whatever god is, I can see that energy coming through you. Namaste...Mahina
Thank you so much for your videos! You helped me disidentify from my pain and find my innocence again.. I realized I had built much of my personality around my pain because I had being carrying it for so long. But what we are before anything is so pure that it cannot be tarnished by anything bad that has been done to us.
![[ ออกกอง ] วัยหนุ่ม 2544 โลกหลังลูกกรง..ทัวร์กองถ่ายหนังใน "คุกของจริง" | JUSTดูIT.](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/vB--aOkZCpw/mqdefault.jpg)
"We have to be the archaeologist of our own suffering..." But not with a pickaxe! Wow, that stood out to me, Sam. You've given us all so much information on which to ruminate. Thank you!
“The true self doesn’t need surgery, doesn’t need hormones, doesn’t need to be anything - it is.” We come home to that truth when we let go of the misunderstanding of who we thought we were”.
You nailed it Sam!
So are there any trans people at all in the world? If i am a continuum of all that is, including the movement between masculine and feminine, am i a little bit different than the so called normal people - for example my parents?
@@KaiNovotnyMatejka we all have a divine masculine and feminine (part) inside of us. It depends on our "blueprint" (or copingmechanisms) , which side gets the biggest role in our life. I am a 63 year old woman and my masculine side is more dominant. I behave like a stereotype constructionbuilder at times although I am "built" like a small ,slim asian woman, am "hetero" and have 4 children. Never felt that I was in a wrong body though. Everybody is different. That makes us all the same😊
Thanks@@EugenieMacGillavry . But I don´t undestand why coping mechanisms should have such an impact on our lives. So you being masculine menas, that it is not your natural energy - that you miss something from the feminine side - because life made you this way? Or is it your natural energy you feel at home with - closest to your True Self as you can get?
"Truth destroys the world you used to live in" has been my harsh, yet soothing guidance as well. Love you, Sam.
Amen, nothing more radical than being the person God made us to be.
Amen! I'm experiencing God's personal presence in my live and the power of prayer.
After release from those prisons felt so good, God is teaching me how to truly love others. What I once thought was love was not even close. Better than anything and keeps getting better. Abundant life.
Please, share more.@@kasch7574
@@johnbarnas879
Great to hear, can you share more?
This is way beyond comforting, I'm tired of trying, it's ridiculous doing anything other than being. I love you very much Sam, painfully beautiful to hear all the echos of what used to be ❤
I think the hardest lesson we need to learn is understanding that we are not our thoughts. The inner dialogue is a conditioning when we were naked and vulnerable but it no longer serves us we must let it go!
Sam, you have deeply touched my heart. Your soul is absolutely beautiful. I wish as a mom I could take all of your pain, shame, sadness, away. "Terrified toddler" makes me want to vomit. I don't understand how people can mistreat something so precious. Jesus loves you so much. Accept who you really are in Christ. You are perfect with Him. NONE of us are enough. We are need something else. We will only find the love and grace we need in Him. You are a wonderful human. That is so rare.
@@melissapoole8580 Hi Melissa Good afternoon I hope my comment didn't sound as a form of privacy invasion your comment tells of a wonderful woman with a beautiful heart which led me to comment I don't normally write in the comment section but I think you deserve this complement. If you don’t mind can we be friends? Thanks God bless you….🌺🌺🌺
the way you can transfer your perspective in what you say is beautiful, you taking the time till it feels right again to share again is beautiful, thank you again
Sam, your videos are changing my life for the better. Thank you for sharing. I fall asleep listening to your posts. Xx
I'm happy to be a help, thank you very much for letting me know .X
My life has had so.much pain, I struggle every day. X
I'm sorry. Don't doubt that change is possible.
I need change. My life is crushing my soul
Be gentle, small changes everyday, habits , routines that hold us where we are. Change invites more change , before you know it, you're in motion and are being offered new pathways .
It starts with you !
thank you Sam.. please don't listen to the mean people.. i think there are many more of us that think you are Amazing and Strong. Shame.. i know it well. He hurt me over and over and said "its ok" but it wasn't. so thank you for helping me to love myself and to not feel shame one day.
@@janetmesserschmidt5888 Hi Janet Good afternoon I hope my comment didn't sound as a form of privacy invasion your comment tells of a wonderful woman with a beautiful heart which led me to comment I don't normally write in the comment section but I think you deserve this complement. If you don’t mind can we be friends? Thanks God bless you….🌺🌺🌺
Good afternoon Sam from a cold windy West Yorkshire. Your video's help so many people as you express your thoughts so eloquently , and from the heart .Everyone will of couse take away certain insights from what you say , and in my case there was three things you said that resonated deeply within me . The first was '' When we have the jagged noise of self hate there is no stillness, just noise''., the second ''You're doing the work of your abusers'' , which I can identfy with , and the third was ''Let it fall into time where it belongs , that one sentence alone was so profound , easy to say but so hard to let go ,,but it is pivotal to healing . Thank you Sam xx
Been waiting on one of these! Cheers from Sweden you beautiful being🍀☕️
You really should write a book. You have a talent for using words to explain the undescribable.
Even though you and I are two different humans with different experiences, you don’t know how helpful your videos have been for me. How beautifully spoken. I really appreciate this. God Bless you on your journey.
What a beautiful image, Sam 🙆
"An archaelogist of ourselves, digging gently into all those layers".
When we find a way of loving ourselves, every experience is understood and the fear, pain, doubt, disappear.
We finally are "at home" in ourselves. As you also said in the other video 💛
You speak in a very unique way, Sam. And I think you can reach many other souls.
You speak as if it was poetry about reality.
That's beautiful indeed, it is like the phasing out of the phrase 'be still and know that I am god' doesn't even end with the word 'be' but with the stillness that comes after it.
Perfect . Thank you for sharing this
Sitting in silence, thinking about all my past selves that were broken, desperate to feel comfortable, and needed someone to understand. That someone to understand is me. The expansive love I experienced when I had finally seen my past selves as apart of me changed my life deeply.
I see ourselves having a deep internal light within us all. As we age and life scars us, layers are laid over that light. The light becomes hard to see, or almost even impossible. We have nothing to “reach” too. We have the peace we’ve wanted all along within us. The journey to get there is just like you said “being our own archeologist”. Slowly peeling, surfacing, and gently picking through our wound and traumas.
We all have a shared internal light/paece. We have nothing to strive for that is outside ourselves. We are enough. We have always been enough.
Beautifully stated , thank you so much for sharing this.
Its not about becoming something
but to find out what you ARE ALREADY
@@Call-Me-Sam thank you for sharing your heart to the world Sam
Thank you. Just working it out as I go. I'm this helps others with similar experiences and questions.
Hate will always be there! But your courage to put yourself out there and be vulnerable is inspiring. I love listening to you! Thank you for your true sincerity and honesty to bring the things you talk about to light. I was so helped by your speaking! May God continue to heal you and bless you!
Thank you. God bless you too
This really resonated with me. Modern life’s great religion is busyness and not being still. It’s a radical act to just be still and to know oneself.
Thank you Sam for this beautiful reminder
Be still and know that I am… that’s beautiful and true. It can be so hard to step into the light and into the truth of our being but it’s only then that we can truly come alive. There is an undiscovered country within if we can set aside the lies of the past and step into the light of our authenticity. Thank you for your posts Sam. I don’t feel quite so alone.
I'm sorry I'm rushing to comment without even watching the video first but the title alone distills what I've been thinking lately. WOW. Incredible. I had/have this weird fascination with detransition despite not having that experience myself and it was a bit weird to me why that was. It has slowly dawned on me that what I so relate to is the deep craving to be seen, which then chased with a persona, a mask, all kinds of elaborate stories.
Wow, Sam. I've been following for a long time and recently I've gone back to watch some of your older videos and the journey you've been on has been and is remarkable.
ps, i love your eyes.. those eyes have seen so much and learned. 💙
Its soul suffered
Amen! Be still and know that i am God! He is our Father God! We are his beloved Sons and daughters, he is our Abba Father. Your a beautiful man Sam. Be praying for you Sam.
We are made complete in HIM who is The Head of ALL principalities and powers Colossians 2
Thank you, Sam, for being so transparent in your journey. You are changing the world for the better one video at a time! I’m in awe of your bravery❤. Sending you lots of love from Canada.
Prior to your acknowledgement that 'We are all transitioning', I was thinking that I identify so much with your personal journey ... while on the surface our lives look so different ... I have survived abuse, I have lost everything, and yet I am beginning to feel freer than I ever had because I lost ... I absolutely love the imagery in your words, the emotions / feelings in every word, I feel myself in your words, it is deeply cathartic and healing ... I would offer the folowing suggestion: perhaps you are writing a book within your videos ... if you have not thought of doing so, and do not visualize yourself as an author, just as a suggestion, write down each word that you have spoken here (just this video, for starters), don't change a word, write it all down and that would be a part, segment of the book to come ...... these words are magical, they are healing ... and if you want to think about it differently, just think of all the people in all walks of life that could use these healing words .... perhaps a TED Talk etc. may also be a part of your future ... Love to you my friend, and Thank you so much for being as courageous as you are and for walking this journey of life ... in my opinion ... true courage emerges from within us when we make a decision to face ourselves, in all our brokenness, and find ourselves, name ourselves worthy 🙂💜
Sir Sam, your eloquence with words & heart are pure poetry. Thank you for sharing your Self with us. I see you are becoming a healer. A beautiful beautiful, beloved wounded healer, standing in his light. Father to his baby boy self. Honest & earnest as all get out! Bless you! Glad i found ya today. ❤
You're an amazing soul❤
Thank you for eloquently translating your experiences to become a guiding light for others.
I've just stumbled onto this and was shaken. I never knew that there was anything like this. How ignorant can one person be? BTW, I'm a 79-year old woman and suffer no illusions. However, my heart goes out to those in your shoes - or shall I say boots? 😊 What a lesson I learned today - thank you. I've subscribed because I want to learn more. You flipped me with Ram Das!
I am 64 and I had the same "ran into sam" unexpectedly, one day, a while back. God is using him in such a still, deep (profound) way.. it's so amazing to hear and watch. So inspired by his self awareness and ability to articulate the untangling of the cords that bound him. ❤
Nice to meet you here.. 💦 refreshing to hear, isn't it.
I'm sorry for your past wounds and the pain you carry. But Sam your discernment is profound. To listen to you is to be made warm in the soul. Thank you for such beautiful composition. Eloquent truth. You have a gift my friend.
Wow, it's mesmerizing to listen to you even if one is not from such a tough upbringing or abused; the way you have with words and speak truth from the source resonates with souls from all walks of life. It's all about self love; as we are all one, that means love for all; and we are all here to learn that. Please keep making videos as it is healing to many many souls, and hopefully to you as well.
Sam, so wonderful to see you and hear your voice and heart again. "I'm not a problem to be fixed." Wow. Thank you for this. I spend my days, and some nights trying to figure out how to fix and change myself. You've just given me the permission I've needed all my life, to no longer want or need to fix or change myself. Blessings 🙏🙏
My child recently asked me what transgender is. I took a deep breath and took a few steps back in my explanation. I live in a place where opinions swirl all around about transitioning, and some think it is ok to exclude parents from their children’s childhood. So I started with asking my child who they turn to when they are sick with a cold or fever or tummy ache or other malady. It’s us parents, not teachers or coaches. Then I asked my child what they wanted to be when they grow up. I compared that to what they answered 4, 3, 2, and 1 year ago. All answers were different and explained that as young people grow older, they have different ideas about things like that, favourite songs and favourite food. I also explained about genes that give us physical traits, and one set that determine our gender. Then I finally answered the question about transgender. I asked my child if they felt they were a gender different from what they were born with. They listed the things about themselves that they thought made them more of the opposite gender. I said that those don’t necessary mean they are the opposite gender, but those characteristics are like hair colour and height, determined not by the genes that make them a boy or a girl, but by the other genes. I said some people do things to themselves that are permanent, and some, not all, change their minds. I said if they feel they are transgender, we can make that change together, but not until they are closer to being settled into who they are. I’m trying to do my best for my child, and keeping my fingers crossed that I am. Thank you for being so honest about your experience. It is helping me to relate to all sorts of people, most especially to my child. It’s also allowing me to move forward with my own issues. If I fall, I can always get up again. ✌️
A beautiful human being. Thank you.
♥️🙏🏻 So beautiful, thank you.
You have such a beautiful way of putting that what you live through into words. So clear and so to the point, so expressive. A process making it so recognizable for other going through this healing process of the fragments to just be. Send you my Love. There is so much joy in living 😊❤
After another long day I'm back in my tent listening to these brilliant videos. Every time I learn something new. Thank you x
I have never understood really the whole business of transition, etc. Your video is the the most helpful, useful, and deeply moving in its honesty and deep understanding of the human condition that I've ever, ever ,ever come across. Thank you for sharing what must have been an extremely traumatic life until this moment. My most sincere gratitude for revealing your deepest self to the world in order to help us understand the suffering that lies behind an appearance . Also to help us see how much love,respect, mercy,and compassion we are all in need of.Thank God for your life, you are living the best one now in its reality and you are so humble and truthful, my heart is so moved with your story. I love that saying of Ram Dass :we are walking each other home. Beautiful to see your closeness to God...be still... we all need this!❤❤❤Big hugs and lots of love and compassion ❤
Sam...I watch your videos and I fill with exuberance because I can see something in you that you are on the brink of seeing yourself. You are so close love. Just keep walking and talking and just be. I wake every morning naturally between 3 & 4 am. I have been doing this for decades. I don't do any formal meditation or prayers, I just sit in the silence and in that silence, I hear and am aware of everything. I AM and that is ALL there is. Don't seek what you already have and are. I just wish I could be in your presence and walk in the woods with you. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever come across. Much, much love.
You are kind, thank you. Yes, I feel it, emptiness, stillness, peace . Yet the presence of sorrow is so deep.
@@Call-Me-Sam Stay with it Sam. Let the sorrow just drain itself. It will. Allow yourself to let it go.
Love the archeologist metaphor it's so true!
Just found your channel. The wisdom you have about others and the self is of a kind unavailable to those who know the subject only academically. You’ve been to the gates of hell and stared through, you’ve been to the edge of the abyss and peered in. Yet you turned the other way and came back. I’m working my way through your videos and wanted you to know how thankful I am to you for sharing your experience
Thank you for letting me know. I am glad these videos help . I wish you peace .
You are light ❤
Thank you, Sam. Thank you for just being you❤️
You are so lovely and wise. I like your idea of archeology. I have gone through a similar process of uncovering deep structures in my psyche and I wish I would have had that more gentle metaphor for what it was. Ongoing of course. Thank you as always. And much love to you.
“You misunderstood who you were… “ this says so much Sam. The paradox of not being to blame and yet having much to forgive yourself for was so helpfully explained. Thank you 🙏
I think your Honesty and Courage in Looking Within is..genuinely admirable. I don't Necessarily believe the search for Self leads to Understanding and Peace. Maybe Yes, maybe No. We can get lost in Our Minds and Narcissism can take over...self obsession. Again, please know I'm not trying to be cruel. Ultimately, we all handle things our own way.
What do you mean by "self "
I carried shame for most of my life. Jesus loved me when I was at my worst. Our paths are different but I hope you call out to the Savior. He has healed me from things that I didn't even know I was carrying. It takes time like the layers of an onion being peeled away. God's beautiful creation. Blessings and Peace that comes from the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit!
Amen! J♥️E♥️S♥️U♥️S♥️🫂♥️🔥
You are making an assumption here.
I find so much Beauty in your words. You are so wise.
I’m not trans or de-transitioning. But I have always felt I have never fitted in. On the outside looking in not really belonging. Thank you Sam for just being you and opening up your life.
Me too
You have no reason to feel shame. The shame falls squarely on the shoulders of the people who destroyed the innocent child you were. Let go of the shame and give it to the people who truly own it.
This moves me to tears. Heartfelt 🙏.
Thank you for posting, you know you're thought of so often by many and your vulnerability makes us feel protective of you. You are SPIRIT, beautiful, strong, and resilient, and this journey is just one phase of the "forever" journey we're on. We all go through terribly painful, lonely, soul-crushing experiences and making it through all this together in LOVE seems to be why we're all here. Idk, but that's my theory, and hugs to you! I ordered a copy of the poetry book you read to us from ❤
I agree..... Love, relationship, selflessness , the divine invitation that so few accept. Thank you for your support and hugs X
Sending you the warmest hug from another Soul becoming Authentic, True Self.
Wow, especially what you said about actually being here, taking up space and being seen. Unfamiliar and terrifying if you're doing it for the first time. I love your truth. Thank you ❤❤❤❤❤
As I watch your videos and listen to your thoughts, I'm overwhelmed by how I feel so similarly and your words touch on my pain and experiences. I think you have so much to add to the world and your life and experiences can help so many. Your healing and insights that you are struggling to obtain, is what many of us want to obtain but are afraid of the process, the pain, the unknown. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You've made me want to be more authentic, more honest, more accepting.
Meaningful, as always. Thank you for sharing.
I saw your eyes twinkle and a big grin when you spoke about the rain clouds coming. That was fun to see the playfulness in you come out. I was thinking that you might be ready to write a book about your discoveries. Your life started with a script that was not good for you, and you realized that. Then, you wrote a replacement script that looked like it would be good for you. Upon trying that script, you discovered this replacement wasn't right for you, either. Lessons were learned and you have written a script that does fit now. From my listening and watching, I do see the confident man coming through. No matter the cheekbones and jaw restructuring was done - XY genetics is unmistakable. This is coming from a woman who has seen men becoming more powerful because of understanding themselves and believing in God's love and high esteem for them. Sam, you are a blessing from God.
I admire you so much. Yes, please live your life the way it pleases you! So happy you are alive and feel like living! Your life matters ❤
You have helped me and probably so many more with your very personal stories. I think there is a book in you. Thank you.
I think you say a lot of wise things. I’m here to watch you heal and become whole and your story has filled me with compassion for trans people. ❤
Thank you for giving me strength and helping our walk feel ok….but my arms wrap around you and then it’s like the wrap goes around me for a completely different shame.❤ please continue to lead the way …away from Shane. You’r e so full of wisdom, not lifting you up, but you don’t even understand how much truth is in you and it saves all of us. Bless you and thank you.
May God bless you my friend❤
yes!!! sam your messages and monologues are so honest and beautiful! ❤❤ I’m praying for you!
This all rings so true. Thank you. I use a mantra over and over again every day, "progress over perfection ". Slowly my life moves forward. Thank you Sam xxx
Thank you for sharing your story, I’m so sorry that you or anyone else had to go through childhood trauma, I have been in counseling for many years and have been helped tremendously by Tim fletchers videos as well as Gabor mate, not sure if you have listened to either of them but they are here on TH-cam. I hope nothing but the best for you.
You are amazing. God bless you. 💜
So much love to you!!! I too have been making videos about my detransition story recently and have been absolutely blown away by the overwhelming positive and supportive loving, empathetic comments I have received. You are so well spoken and articulate so well your story and perspective that it is and will continue to touch the hearts of those willing to hear! I too have gotten hate. Told many times "You weren't REALLY trans if you could go back to living as your birth sex. Real trans is forever!" they imply. I used to think the same as I know you did as well. Or you wouldn't have taken things as far as you and I did. I wasn't living it as long as you were, but I see a lot of similarities in your and my path of coming to the place we are now. "We have to be the archaeologists of our own suffering". I LOVE that! That's exactly what I have done over the past few years. Examining to great extremes every last little childhood experience that caused me to form the identity I did and why I felt the need to live as a woman and deny who I actually was. Going down this path has taught me profound and irreplaceable lessons in life that I would not have learned had I not done this. Losing my precious body parts in the process was a tragic side effect, but at least I am still alive and happy and free of the confusion that I lived with for my entire life now that I have mined enough of my underworlds to understand what made me who I became. Much love to you! I feel like we may have to talk sometime soon. ❤
Hi LaRell. I wish you well as you heal.
Hi Sam, thank you for sharing your precious thoughts with us ❤
Sam, you are one of the most bravest, articulate and authenic individuals I have ever listened to; What you are doing in the space, in this time, is touching thousands and I am confident bringing comfort to so many. Your message is universal, regardless of gender or background. Everyone has struggles and somtimes very deep issues that must be dealt wiith if one wants to live a life of joy. Thank you for you taking the time and energy to share your journey - it is not an easy thing. Peace be with you...
You are a remarkable human being. Thank you
It was nice to see you smile at the end of the video.
You are such a gentle soul, your words of wisdom are of great comfort... god holds you gently in the palms of his hands and loves you unconditionally 🙂
Thank you for sharing your journey.
What a journey Sam? You made it ❤ welcome home
You are such a beautiful man Sam. Please don’t forget how much you’ve helped me ❤
Thank you Sam ❤️
My God. Your introspection is piercing. Which in itself, is a powerful attribute to have. But your humble and truthful study of your-self or just the Self is mesmerizing. The way you analyze your personal faults has a certainty. An air of confidence and understanding. Yet compassion and loving.
I've always had a fascination with self discovery. Ever digging to find the truth of oneself in every aspect. Like gardening, one is always busy at their task. Weeding out unwanted plants. Caring for the desired ones, planting new ones. There is landscaping to be done. Even architecture to be built.
I was a lonely child. My patents did not know how to love me or my siblings. My mother was distant. She used guilt and shame as an all powerful weapon. I had little to no contact with other children. Affection was non existent and I never learned how to socialize. Combined with my father never teaching me how to ne a man, I grew up not knowing who I was. I took apsects of personalities i saw on TV.. what little I could from my father which was mostly aggresive bluster and seriousness. The rest I made up. Never learned to joke or not take myself seriously. Every light hearted joke at my expense was taken personally because I didnt know any other way to internalize it. I had crippling social anxiety. I struggled to make friends and spent my entire childhood and young adult life not knowing WHO I was.
Eventually this fragile house of cards I called ME broke. Everything i ignored, covered and stuffed away came flooding to the surface like it was always going to do. Like a raging torrent I was overcome. Culminating in a failed relationship, loss ofy job and the birth of my daughter. This was my darkest hour. My "Dark night of the Soul". (not the birth of my daughter, but the anxiety of knowing i was not whole and had so much work to do, and because of that, I would fail as a father)
Long story short I came face to face with my false self. That caricature I built of who I thought I was could not hold anymore. I made dramatic discoveries about my true Self. I buried myself in ancient mysteries, religion and even occult wisdom. I realized I was not my body, my past, my mistakes. Since then I have learned so much and came so far. To commemorate this time in my life I got a tattoo on my right forearm, a phrase that I believe contains deep philosophical insights. Written on the Temple of Apollo in Delphi, "Nosce te Ipsum" or Know Thyself. That I may never forget who I am, who I truly am. That was 12 years ago.
I think i will subscribe to your channel Sam. I think there is so much I could learn and glean from your videos. While our paths and pain may be different in essense and magnitude, I believe that insights that have helped you may help me. I see a certain stoicism in you that I think helps you and draws me to your insights. The wellspring of strength you draw from to help you overcome your pain is powerful. Be it, God, be it your True Self, your spiritual guide, SOMETHING is there. I saw it your previous video when I first found the channel. Like a sixth sense i can just see it.
Thank you for sharing this. Yes, I hear you. I had a similar shattering of the false self and in emptiness began the discovery of truth . Beyond the constant naming and confining everything , in fear, reducing the world into a manageable story.
Surrender to the mystery comes as a relief . I see so clearly now that the suffering endured is our resistance of the unknown. We fear the vastness of that mystery that also lives in us.
Your comment under my last video got a great response. I'm glad you have now subscribed.
I shall look forward to your comments .
By the way, I'm thinking of launching a patreon for members where I can hold more intimate and open discussion in the form of a q and a.
Thanks again.... and see if you can find your previous comment, read the responses.
@@Call-Me-Sam It means a great deal to hear back from you. Thank you for taking time to reply to me. Very true words about the surrender to the mystery of life and ourselves. Fear of the unknown is so pervasive. I lost so many years afraid .. hiding in a shell with no light to find the exit. I still have so much work to do yet I've come so far. Although time waits for no one and I'm not getting any younger.. At least I can say that i've started to learn to love the process. The ups AND downs.
I'm glad I subscribed and I genuinely look forward to your videos. I'll keep an eye out for Patreon and I'll check out those replies.
I was going to comment my story and struggles but I dont want to burden anyone.
I cope by isolating, I struggle with it now.
But I am trying to recognize myself without judgment, I got two 30min therapy sessions from the free mental health clinic and I'm trying to see them as often as I can, it's helped to think about it and address it instead of ignoring myself and letting my negative thought patterns go on. I am struggling now but I have been through a lonely complicated and challenging life and I am still breathing.
I am glad to be here, in some small way, with you. I feel grateful for you sharing your hard fought for wisdom and perspective. I am better off thanks to you, your courage, and your vulnerability.
I hope I can find my peace and I hope I can share it with others like you have.
I relate to breaking down being a double edged sword, I have to quit my job over a month ago and ran out of money quick, I still don't have a job. I can't get out of my room even though I'm a 29 year old man. But I am taking my time and reflecting, sobering up, I am hoping.
You are here for a reason, something is wanted from you, why else would you exist ? getting past our self, letting go of what we think we want and who we think we are, and beginning to seek the truth beyond self, is where we discover our purpose ... keep asking questions, keep opening to the moment, feeling more deeply, seeing more clearly and your path will reveal itself. You are being invited into relationship, there you will find peace and fulfilment .
@Call-Me-Sam You are right, there is a big difference between my depressed mind telling myself im a burden and what you are sharing with me. I can not say I have thought about it that way. As I type this I am thinking about how we are born with the ability to love and be loved, I was always drunkenly told growing up I was born as a 'happy accident,' but accidental or not, being born seems to me like an act of love in itself, before I could even think in language there were times were the only thing I needed to be was myself in the world and to receive and share that love, kindness and curiosity. I am thinking about how we are all born with an unspoken hope. It is difficult to think of positive things about myself but one thing I think I can say is that I have always been sensitive and kindhearted for better or worse, and I think I have, in small ways, shown the world some of the kindness I have refused to give myself. I have been told throughout my life, again for better or worse, that I am someone who is good to confide in, someone that listens, cares and at times I have even been called a good teacher. I am in the process of understanding the need to see the world outside of my own negative and narrow view. Even though I am apart of the world the world is still so much more vast than I can understand and I have to acknowledge my limitations.
It is a view that does not hold up to any real scrutiny.
But I do struggle to see past myself and my self-imposed limitations through avoidance, it feels like an inverted narcissism and I struggle with that guilt. It makes it more difficult to show up for myself but I am trying to give myself grace so I can heal and break out of these cycles.
It is difficult and overwhelming to think through but I have been successfully sobering up and I have been thinking about, working through, and journaling my thoughts and memories. I have been trying to truly feel and understand and I have spent days now weeping because I'm finally asking myself these simple questions that I never wanted to think about out of some misguided idea of preservation, and I am glad that soberity is giving me the ability to feel this grief. I am hoping I can untangle myself and my positive memories from the negativity that seems tangled in every undistracted thought. I have gained some clarity and your videos have helped me with that. I think I understand what you mean when you say I am invited, I am hoping I show up. I am hesitating not to delete the first half of this comment because I hope I haven’t misunderstood you too much or taken to much of your time, I can be very oblivious at times. I am still learning from you and I appreciate your help and guidance. Thank you for your time and kindness. - Eric Gulick
Eric, you're doing great. Your comment shows insight, sensitivity and understanding. Sobriety is very helpful, well done . Trust your intuition, let that guide you forward into places that need to be explored.
Reflecting on my own process over recent years, at the beginning of awakening there was already an understanding of the way forward and what I would have to go through to surrender. As the process unfolded, that initial understanding has not changed but has become clearer and clearer. It was my refusal that prolonged the suffering but maybe that was also an essential part of the process.
I think deep down we already know the way, we just don't want to let go of the illusion that our lives are our own, that we can do what we want and all will be well.
In the words of Thomas Merton " we gain only what we give up and if we give up everything, we gain everything "
Take care and treat yourself with kindness, this is vital and really the beginning of radical self acceptance, which in turn is the beginning of the end of inner conflict If that makes sense. 😊
@Call-Me-Sam I will, thank you, Sam. Your words have been comforting and illuminating in a troubled moment in my life. I value what you have said to me greatly, and I am appreciative of you and your strength.
I wanted to reply more quickly, my way to soberity has been a roller-coaster of feeling drained and apathetic one moment to feeling a racing claustrophobic anxiety the next. I have also had a lot to think about, thankfully. I do feel like I have been in conflict with myself. I have been rewriting this wondering what I want to say and how I want to say it. Being vulnerable can be terrifying I think, because you are letting go of control in a way.
What you have said makes a lot of sense to me, to the extent I think the term synchronicity is fitting, I understand what you mean when you say follow your intuition because the voices and knowledge that I have found myself trying to pay attention to, particularly lately, have all dovetailed with each other in their humanity, they point in the same direction and make me feel like I am not alone among others. I feel like at some point I was set on a path, but a path with a fog so thick at times that I lose myself and my orientation, I believe I know what you mean when you say that in a way that you always knew the way but met resistance with yourself. I believe I am starting to deal with that refusal now. I find myself in doubt, I question my authenticity because I feel like I lack the ability and willpower to make these changes. I do feel in the way of myself, like there is a part of me that just wants to stay in comfort even if it is a harmful, false, and fading comfort. Other times, like right now writing this to you and thinking about what storms I have weathered, I know change will come one way or another, I know that I will do my best in the world and I can see my strength and intention and I know it will be a matter of time and focus. I looked into Thomas Merton, and I came across Merton's Prayer of Unknowing and I found another voice leading me to kindness. I will try to follow that kindness. You're an awesome person, Sam. I'm glad our paths have crossed. Remember always that you have helped me and many others in a very meaningful way.
Thanks so much for sharing.
a few weeks from 39, and I've never felt more comfortable with myself then I do now. it's strange, how much my attitudes on alot of things have really done a 180 in the past few years, but that change has helped me feel far more safe, happy, and hopeful. I've been spending more time in nature, being active, and just genuinely interacting with others and its all felt so good. Being surrounded by what's real and natural, it brings such peace. Keep loving yourself and keep moving forward ❤
Love,Light,and Blessings to you Sam. I have been doing similar detransitioning from my life story and finally feel I have the right to offer Blessings
Bless you too. I'm happy for your progress. Thank you.
You are such a lovely person in such a transcendent place. Thank you for sharing your story❤. I hope to be more like you one day.
Thank you, Sam.
Hello dear Sam. I ordered David Whyte: Essentials last week. It just arrived late yesterday so im looking forward to spending my weekend reading it. I have loooooved your quotes from his poems so i went ahead and bought the book. I also ordered The Body Keeps the Score that you've mentioned a time or two. That's one im going to have to read and digest in small portions as it goes quite deep.
Much love and blessings to you!! Im so thankful for you and your willingness to candidly share your journey with all of us. You are a tremendous blessing. Thank you for being beautiful you. You're loved and appreciated by many. You really are. Myself included. ♥
Self love is truly hard… and in my experience not always satisfying. I am so proud of you.
Your thoughts demonstrate such wisdom and insight.
Sam, each time that I have listened to you, I have learned about concepts like forgiveness of others as well as self. This video is deep, and very helpful. It's amazing and so kind that you would share all about your journey, to help others. I am humbled. And I am touched by your bravery. You deserve the best. I have subscribed. What you have to say is worthwhile. You are worthy.
Thank you
Sam! Thank you for sharing your soul, your wisdom, your heart. I could listen to you all day. Thank you.
Love the sound of the water in the background Sam. What an incredible healing surrounding, for your powerful words. I see you Sam💚 God everywhere💚.
Nameste. Much respect and gratitude to you Sam for speaking truth that I hear- and will share. Biggest love to you.
Thank you
your videos make me cry the tears i never knew still needed to be shed
bless you
Ashéa 🤍
Your words ring in my soul like a large bell! You are a wise, wise being who has been forged in fire! You have become a strong blade of discernment. I am in awe of your strength! Much love friend.
Peter
So nice to see and hear you again.😊
You have an incredible way with words, Sam. I have been struggling with similar feelings, yet was lucky enough to not do anything irreversible. Our healing journeys are similar, though. I'd love to meet you, one day, perhaps. Thank you for being you. Incredibly lovable, incredibly precious.
So very well said indeed. Thank you. 🌈
Hello, Your channel is growing wonderfully! I hadn't seen any of your videos pop up in about 2 months and so I just did a search and am so happy to see how your channel is growing so great. Your content is so authentic. Thank you. Wishing you continued great blessings.
This video is profound. I'm in a dark night of the soul and it's exactly what I needed to hear. Trauma can be so crippling, erode one's self-worth. I desperately need to believe that I am not my trauma, I can create my own story, one of wholeness, self-worth, and hope. I always get so much from your videos. I hope they are as healing for you to make as they are for us to watch. Your honesty about this healing journey is so courageous and gives so much to the world. I wish you continued healing, plenty of time in nature, and a feeling of being loved, just as you are. Watching your videos, I am full of love for you - not romantic love - a deeper love that comes from someone revealing who they are, including the wounds they carry, and bearing witness to their truth and the totality of their being. Whatever god is, I can see that energy coming through you. Namaste...Mahina
Thank you so much. I wish you peace .
I see the same energy.
You’re such a kind and beautiful being. Thank you!❤🙏😇
I appreciate the wisdom and pure honesty in your videos. The brave act of open vulnerability is part of the healing process.
Thank you so much for your videos! You helped me disidentify from my pain and find my innocence again..
I realized I had built much of my personality around my pain because I had being carrying it for so long. But what we are before anything is so pure that it cannot be tarnished by anything bad that has been done to us.
Amen !