I can't thank you enough for your thoughtful and intelligent videos. I knew that I had a very dysfunctional childhood, but never imagined how emotionally damaged I was. Your videos are extremely helpful and emotionally freeing. Now that I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman who has had a similar dysfunctional childhood we can work towards a healthy and fulfilling relationship. You help me to understand myself and my partners' attachment styles. Thank you again for your content!
@@jamesweinkauf8406 thank you for watching and providing a bit of your experience. I’m happy to hear that you are in a relationship in which you both can work towards a healthy and fulfilling connection. I’m very glad that the content has been helpful to you. 🙏❤️
If you express your concerns, they feel attacked and run. If you tell them you miss them, they feel smothered and run. They want you to just be a neutral wall that they can come to whenever and do whatever with on their terms without you showing any emotions. Avoidants are a f*cking mess.
Thank you for this, truly. I had a crush/situationship with a highly avoidant person. They used all these tactics on me. I thought I was a crazy, abusive person. It turns out that my attachment anxiety was being constantly triggered by this person and they were then blaming me for having feelings about the poor way they treated me. I know it’s due to their trauma history, but they refused to own the impact of that history on their behavior towards me. So I had to cut contact.
I took tests says I'm Secure and second was preoccupied feel like sometimes when you're with someone that supposedly has avoidant attachment Style when they go into their space needing or certain things you just feel like they're pulling away and now you try to discuss topics that in no way make you feel like you want to have a relationship but to them makes them feel stressed or that you're always trying to talk about problems or feeling attacked and then you kind of end up feeling like you can't talk about problems after you feel like you've given them space and you always set time to talk about problems and sometimes stuff does get resolved sometimes it can be very upfront but for some reason when they do push away topics it starts to feel like you're being pushed into the anxiousness when all you want is clarity I think the biggest thing I learned so far is that if I get another chance or not patience is the biggest key and not taking things personally and then after some time has gone by really evaluate whether this person who's doing this because of their attachment style and consciously and because of their trauma and stuff and that they're slowly willing to work on it agreeing to therapy and all that stuff or if it feels like an endless loop that won't go away. Plus I do wonder about people that are avoidance I wonder if they usually keep the opposite sex as friends especially people that used to be around just in case something doesn't go right
I have a library collection of your educational videos, am a devoted student, and I must say that this is the most enlightening video to date. Everything you explained happened to me in a three year relationship that crashed and burned weeks ago. Admittedly, my heart was shattered into broken bits and pieces. Initially, I started out with an Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style, researched and worked diligently to become Secure (which I am now). My ex is a Dismissive Avoidant,clueless about her attachment issues. My no-contact has been and will continue to be steadfast. I’m utilizing this experience as an opportunity for personal growth and comprehensive elevation. Blessings to you in abundance for your work. 🙏🏾
@@jonathanberkley6626 thank you for sharing a bit of your experience. Bravo on the progress you’ve made on your journey. I’m glad that the videos are helpful!
Perfect timing! My partner projects his fear of intimacy onto me. I don’t argue with him because I know it’s not true but knowing this now will make it easier to handle. My identity is not in what humans say about me but what God says about me!!
My avoidant partner (I felt at the moment) attacked my character and core values . I got defensive, stood up for myself and reacted poorly . I felt like I was being gaslit. Things ended between us and now there is a smear campaign about me going on in my ex partners friend group. I am seeing now that my avoidant partner projected in all ways talked about in this video. There is no contact between us now and I doubt they have the capacity to regroup and talk things out. But it’s a bit too late for both us now I’m so sure💔 Good luck to everyone else out there 🤞🏻
I just got in yet another fight with my husband about his constant projecting onto me. It’s like my mother all over again. They both accuse me of feelings, intentions, and behaviors that I don’t have or do, yet blind to their own feelings, intentions, and behaviors. It’s crazy making! I appreciate this explanation of something I experience and that there may be a way out of the nightmare go around. My mother has no intentions of self reflection- she said she’s going to the grave the way she is. I’ve told my husband if he doesn’t look into his unresolved trauma then I don’t want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who is constantly villianizing me. It’s highly triggering me as I was in the scapegoat role in my family.
@@dianeshoemaker6591 thank you for sharing your personal experience. That sounds very difficult to navigate. Good for you for sticking up for yourself. I hope things improve. ❤️
Avoidants can hide behind polyamorous language and non-monogamous relationship dynamics the same way narcissists can manipulate 'therapy speak' to get what they want.
@@Txbunny it’s a colloquial term that refers to people using terminology and ideas often arrived at in therapy (“attachment styles” “boundaries” etc.) to manipulate the actions of other people. A recent example would be how the actor Jonah Hill misused the concept of boundaries (the jurisdiction and responsibility we have over ourselves) as controlling behavior towards his girlfriend. The difference here is similar to “I’m comfortable wearing these kinds of clothes out in public” (boundary) vs. “I’m comfortable with you wearing these clothes out in public” and making someone responsible for changing their behavior to suit your preferences. You get to decide who you interact with, you don’t get to dictate their behavior. It’s warping the meaning and misusing the concept.
I've watched a lot of videos and read a lot trying to figure out what happened to my 3+ year relationship that seems to have finally came to an end last month. All of the behaviors describe my ex to the letter, including false accusations that I was involved with other women, which was the excuse she used to finally call it quits. Even the flirting and excessive drinking (which she would sometimes do in front of me). The only time I went on one date is when she stonewalled me for over a month, no communication for over a month with no warning which made me believe the relationship was over and I needed to move on.
Hi TH-cam community! I am distraught because I am on a break from my D/A bf as a result of projections, he also believes i am just justifying myself if i try to point them out (e.g. how can i be at fault that u are in a bad job situation etc), it's very similar to what a narcissist would do, but he usually isnt thst way (we have been together 6 years). I would like to make him understand he is dumping on me, even though we r currently not talking, as he walked away in a blmaing kind of way, and thst is very hurtful to me. Whst do u guys think?
Show him these videos. If he doesn't want to heal, he won't. You Must let him know that you don't want to take away his independence. You simply want to be a safe place for him to open up to. He doesn't feel safe with you. It's about GROWING TOGETHER so that you can both be better. Let him know that you just want to be better at loving him.
@@bellis-l5u thank you for asking your question. In this case it does sound like they are using this word as a way of dismissing or concerns and avoiding the discomfort or shame, they might feel in addressing issues head on.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachmentcorrect. Another favorite one they use when they get annoyed / frustrated / uncomfortable with the emotions arising in them is to “stop complaining” “Drama” is one version of it. ^ that’s another
They were literally taught that showing their emotions or "getting emotional" was just them being dramatic. Back that up with experiencing or witnessing emotional manipulation by caregivers &/or others acting emotional.... while others experiencing emotions are also shut down, rejected, or punished... this is common among the abusive experiences that create Avoidants. This is NOT rocket science people. Until someone creates opportunities for them to safely learn otherwise >>> emotion=drama. (*edited for hurried typos) ...and I will add that really "over the top" emotional displays read 99.9% as attempted manipulation.
Another beautiful, helpful and educational video. Thank you. 16:25 My experience is that people who project don't ask for opportunities for growth, they believe that the other should change, and growth is usually reserved for people who are victims of others' projections. But I can open to a possibility that there are some people who are willing to withdraw their projections. Your work practice confirms that, doesn't it? 🙂
@@mn9120 thank you for sharing your perspective. I would say that’s probably accurate. People who are in the midst of a projection, as a defense, are not really open to growth, because they are defending against self reflection.
I believe I may have been vilianized. I got blocked by my (in my opinion FA) while we were messaging about the good memories of our relationship. I have no idea because I haven't been told why that happened so I'm assuming she felt threatened in some way.
I've had the weirdest situations where women I've had a casual relationship with and we both agreed not to have a relationship have said to me they believe I want a relationship. And then I've had women I've just hung out with do the same. I've told them I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP and it seems like they're just projecting their desire for a relationship onto me. They've acted avoidant while I try to remain friends with them and then when they tell me "you want a serious relationship" I get so angry that they just made this crap up when we've previously AGREED WE BOTH DON'T. It HAS to be projection. I forgot that avoidants exist too. The more close you become and act, then more they run away. Next time this happens I'm just going to say "I get it, you're avoidant, running away from feelings you have for a relationship, and are projecting your desire for a relationship onto me. I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that." Mark Manson talks about this in his books - needy people will project their feelings onto you when there's no basis for it then regret it when you walk away.
@@ZoranaKnezevic-p8o I set boundaries like in healthy relationships. So I acknowledge their fears and what behaviours they believe to be 'relationship like' e.g. one was the fact I complimented her, same as I do with all of my other friends LITERALLY IN FRONT OF HER. The fact is, many people project their investments onto other people, it's written about in Mark Mansons book 'Models'. If we've both agreed that we don't want a relationship and you start projecting an idea that the other person does when they have 1. told you directly they don't. 2. Haven't re-asked them but AVOIDED THEM instead - then hate to say it buddy but they are probably..... avoidant as this video points out. If you fail to see that in the eyes of healthy communication this person is still acting this way I'm assuming you're just trolling or projecting a sense of anger you may have from people who you've felt are avoidant onto me. I've also had a therapist confirm it's likely projection so I'm quite certain you're just projecting your anger onto others in the comments.
@@ShadowSnake141 sounds like you're dealing with APs to me. I've had this play out CONSTANTLY in casual relationships with APs (before I understood attachment styles). They'll often keep things casual until they learn that I'm seeing other women as well. Then they'll get angry with me despite the fact that they're seeing other people as well. This usually comes out of a need for control, and APs typically exhibit this trait. DAs will just keep it casual or walk away.
@@ShadowSnake141 it’s possible that they are projecting their own desires onto you. But if this keeps happening over and over again to you and you notice that it’s a pattern, you are the common denominator. So maybe there’s some thing about the way you’re approaching friendship, with these people that feels like more than friendship to them. So you can just ask them, what leads you to think that? Be curious. It may be that there are miscommunications going on, and both of you are making assumptions without clarifying with each other.
Why is hard, when I want to talk about my concern because it's bothering me so much he'll just reply why am I getting too much drama, thinking negative when I just want to clarify things. I always think his feelings but what about mine?
Hmmm... My AP ex was this way. She was always projecting her issues onto me telling me I needed therapy despite being an alcoholic and prescription drug abuser. She was a misandrist who started fights for no reason and didn't like my commitment to fitness and martial arts (although she respected my career as a personal trainer and martial arts instructor). Sounds like APs have a similar projection issues.
@@sifublack192 this video was focused on avoidant attachment, because that was the inquiry, but you are correct, anxious people often have the exact same projections
Every test I take says either FA, leaning anxious, or secure with anxiety. I wonder sometimes if I feel as though I withdraw after being treated badly, namecalled, or my partner lashes out, and I was hurt. This makes me feel like a dismissive avoiding individual.. but most of the time, I feel secure unless they lash out at me. Call me names or hurt me. The quiz on the site said open heart, other attachment quizzes label me as secure or a FA/AP What is going on any suggestions?
I can't thank you enough for your thoughtful and intelligent videos. I knew that I had a very dysfunctional childhood, but never imagined how emotionally damaged I was. Your videos are extremely helpful and emotionally freeing. Now that I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman who has had a similar dysfunctional childhood we can work towards a healthy and fulfilling relationship. You help me to understand myself and my partners' attachment styles. Thank you again for your content!
@@jamesweinkauf8406 thank you for watching and providing a bit of your experience. I’m happy to hear that you are in a relationship in which you both can work towards a healthy and fulfilling connection. I’m very glad that the content has been helpful to you. 🙏❤️
If you express your concerns, they feel attacked and run. If you tell them you miss them, they feel smothered and run. They want you to just be a neutral wall that they can come to whenever and do whatever with on their terms without you showing any emotions. Avoidants are a f*cking mess.
Thank you for this, truly. I had a crush/situationship with a highly avoidant person. They used all these tactics on me. I thought I was a crazy, abusive person. It turns out that my attachment anxiety was being constantly triggered by this person and they were then blaming me for having feelings about the poor way they treated me. I know it’s due to their trauma history, but they refused to own the impact of that history on their behavior towards me. So I had to cut contact.
@@quinrich8441 thank you for watching and sharing a bit of your experience. I’m glad that the content has been helpful and provided some clarity. 🙏❤️
I went through the same thing. I started lashing out and insulting, which I never do otherwise.
Avoidants are anxious in a big suit of armor
I think that's a very accurate description of a fearful avoidant.
I took tests says I'm Secure and second was preoccupied feel like sometimes when you're with someone that supposedly has avoidant attachment Style when they go into their space needing or certain things you just feel like they're pulling away and now you try to discuss topics that in no way make you feel like you want to have a relationship but to them makes them feel stressed or that you're always trying to talk about problems or feeling attacked and then you kind of end up feeling like you can't talk about problems after you feel like you've given them space and you always set time to talk about problems and sometimes stuff does get resolved sometimes it can be very upfront but for some reason when they do push away topics it starts to feel like you're being pushed into the anxiousness when all you want is clarity I think the biggest thing I learned so far is that if I get another chance or not patience is the biggest key and not taking things personally and then after some time has gone by really evaluate whether this person who's doing this because of their attachment style and consciously and because of their trauma and stuff and that they're slowly willing to work on it agreeing to therapy and all that stuff or if it feels like an endless loop that won't go away.
Plus I do wonder about people that are avoidance I wonder if they usually keep the opposite sex as friends especially people that used to be around just in case something doesn't go right
@@taylorbee4010 true
I have a library collection of your educational videos, am a devoted student, and I must say that this is the most enlightening video to date. Everything you explained happened to me in a three year relationship that crashed and burned weeks ago. Admittedly, my heart was shattered into broken bits and pieces. Initially, I started out with an Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style, researched and worked diligently to become Secure (which I am now). My ex is a Dismissive Avoidant,clueless about her attachment issues. My no-contact has been and will continue to be steadfast. I’m utilizing this experience as an opportunity for personal growth and comprehensive elevation. Blessings to you in abundance for your work. 🙏🏾
@@jonathanberkley6626 thank you for sharing a bit of your experience. Bravo on the progress you’ve made on your journey. I’m glad that the videos are helpful!
Perfect timing! My partner projects his fear of intimacy onto me. I don’t argue with him because I know it’s not true but knowing this now will make it easier to handle. My identity is not in what humans say about me but what God says about me!!
My avoidant partner (I felt at the moment) attacked my character and core values . I got defensive, stood up for myself and reacted poorly . I felt like I was being gaslit. Things ended between us and now there is a smear campaign about me going on in my ex partners friend group. I am seeing now that my avoidant partner projected in all ways talked about in this video. There is no contact between us now and I doubt they have the capacity to regroup and talk things out. But it’s a bit too late for both us now I’m so sure💔
Good luck to everyone else out there 🤞🏻
@@NovaSky333 I’m sorry that happened to you. It sounds like a very painful experience. Sending you big hugs on the journey.
I just got in yet another fight with my husband about his constant projecting onto me. It’s like my mother all over again. They both accuse me of feelings, intentions, and behaviors that I don’t have or do, yet blind to their own feelings, intentions, and behaviors. It’s crazy making! I appreciate this explanation of something I experience and that there may be a way out of the nightmare go around. My mother has no intentions of self reflection- she said she’s going to the grave the way she is. I’ve told my husband if he doesn’t look into his unresolved trauma then I don’t want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who is constantly villianizing me. It’s highly triggering me as I was in the scapegoat role in my family.
@@dianeshoemaker6591 thank you for sharing your personal experience. That sounds very difficult to navigate. Good for you for sticking up for yourself. I hope things improve. ❤️
Avoidants can hide behind polyamorous language and non-monogamous relationship dynamics the same way narcissists can manipulate 'therapy speak' to get what they want.
What is this therapy speak? I’m curious because I feel like I know what it means and that it might apply to my situation. Could you clarify? 🙏🏼
@@Txbunny it’s a colloquial term that refers to people using terminology and ideas often arrived at in therapy (“attachment styles” “boundaries” etc.) to manipulate the actions of other people. A recent example would be how the actor Jonah Hill misused the concept of boundaries (the jurisdiction and responsibility we have over ourselves) as controlling behavior towards his girlfriend. The difference here is similar to “I’m comfortable wearing these kinds of clothes out in public” (boundary) vs. “I’m comfortable with you wearing these clothes out in public” and making someone responsible for changing their behavior to suit your preferences. You get to decide who you interact with, you don’t get to dictate their behavior. It’s warping the meaning and misusing the concept.
I've watched a lot of videos and read a lot trying to figure out what happened to my 3+ year relationship that seems to have finally came to an end last month. All of the behaviors describe my ex to the letter, including false accusations that I was involved with other women, which was the excuse she used to finally call it quits. Even the flirting and excessive drinking (which she would sometimes do in front of me). The only time I went on one date is when she stonewalled me for over a month, no communication for over a month with no warning which made me believe the relationship was over and I needed to move on.
OMG THIS! Such a great explanation - thank you! I'm trying to learn and understand more about a DA in my life.
@@CatEyez13 I’m glad the video was helpful!
Hi TH-cam community! I am distraught because I am on a break from my D/A bf as a result of projections, he also believes i am just justifying myself if i try to point them out (e.g. how can i be at fault that u are in a bad job situation etc), it's very similar to what a narcissist would do, but he usually isnt thst way (we have been together 6 years). I would like to make him understand he is dumping on me, even though we r currently not talking, as he walked away in a blmaing kind of way, and thst is very hurtful to me. Whst do u guys think?
Show him these videos. If he doesn't want to heal, he won't. You Must let him know that you don't want to take away his independence. You simply want to be a safe place for him to open up to. He doesn't feel safe with you. It's about GROWING TOGETHER so that you can both be better. Let him know that you just want to be better at loving him.
Why do they say it’s “drama” when you bring up issues even in a gentle way? How do you handle that?
Drama is a word they use to keep you from shining light on their intolerable behavior.
@@bellis-l5u thank you for asking your question. In this case it does sound like they are using this word as a way of dismissing or concerns and avoiding the discomfort or shame, they might feel in addressing issues head on.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachmentcorrect. Another favorite one they use when they get annoyed / frustrated / uncomfortable with the emotions arising in them is to “stop complaining”
“Drama” is one version of it. ^ that’s another
They were literally taught that showing their emotions or "getting emotional" was just them being dramatic.
Back that up with experiencing or witnessing emotional manipulation by caregivers &/or others acting emotional.... while others experiencing emotions are also shut down, rejected, or punished... this is common among the abusive experiences that create Avoidants. This is NOT rocket science people.
Until someone creates opportunities for them to safely learn otherwise >>> emotion=drama.
(*edited for hurried typos)
...and I will add that really "over the top" emotional displays read 99.9% as attempted manipulation.
@@Terquoiz24 thank you I understand but how do I create an opportunity for him to feel safe?
Your hair looks absolutely gorgeous!
@@lenovoovonel3771 aww thank you 🙏
Very good video with real examples to help us understand!! Thanks for your good job!
@@SummitMan165 I’m glad the video was helpful!
12 minutes into the video. already a great video on that topic. appreciated
@@rob3oy658 I am so glad that you like it. Thank you for watching.❤️
your videos are really good.
Good stuff
Another beautiful, helpful and educational video. Thank you. 16:25 My experience is that people who project don't ask for opportunities for growth, they believe that the other should change, and growth is usually reserved for people who are victims of others' projections. But I can open to a possibility that there are some people who are willing to withdraw their projections. Your work practice confirms that, doesn't it? 🙂
@@mn9120 thank you for sharing your perspective. I would say that’s probably accurate. People who are in the midst of a projection, as a defense, are not really open to growth, because they are defending against self reflection.
1000% being villanized. feels like im going insane. she says same. its weirdest thing ever
I've had the same experience with an extreme DA. It was crazy-making.
@@M123xyz thank you for watching and sharing your experience. 🙏
So helpful
I believe I may have been vilianized. I got blocked by my (in my opinion FA) while we were messaging about the good memories of our relationship. I have no idea because I haven't been told why that happened so I'm assuming she felt threatened in some way.
He is always, busy!
do they know they're emotionally vulnerable?
@@rachelsavard851 if they know it, then they are more likely fearful avoidant. If they don’t know it, then they’re more likely dismissive avoidant.
I've had the weirdest situations where women I've had a casual relationship with and we both agreed not to have a relationship have said to me they believe I want a relationship. And then I've had women I've just hung out with do the same. I've told them I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP and it seems like they're just projecting their desire for a relationship onto me. They've acted avoidant while I try to remain friends with them and then when they tell me "you want a serious relationship" I get so angry that they just made this crap up when we've previously AGREED WE BOTH DON'T. It HAS to be projection. I forgot that avoidants exist too. The more close you become and act, then more they run away.
Next time this happens I'm just going to say "I get it, you're avoidant, running away from feelings you have for a relationship, and are projecting your desire for a relationship onto me. I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that."
Mark Manson talks about this in his books - needy people will project their feelings onto you when there's no basis for it then regret it when you walk away.
No, you’re probably leading them on with relationship-like behaviors. Stop gaslighting them and take their concerns seriously.
@@ZoranaKnezevic-p8o I set boundaries like in healthy relationships. So I acknowledge their fears and what behaviours they believe to be 'relationship like' e.g. one was the fact I complimented her, same as I do with all of my other friends LITERALLY IN FRONT OF HER.
The fact is, many people project their investments onto other people, it's written about in Mark Mansons book 'Models'. If we've both agreed that we don't want a relationship and you start projecting an idea that the other person does when they have 1. told you directly they don't. 2. Haven't re-asked them but AVOIDED THEM instead - then hate to say it buddy but they are probably..... avoidant as this video points out. If you fail to see that in the eyes of healthy communication this person is still acting this way I'm assuming you're just trolling or projecting a sense of anger you may have from people who you've felt are avoidant onto me. I've also had a therapist confirm it's likely projection so I'm quite certain you're just projecting your anger onto others in the comments.
@@ShadowSnake141 sounds like you're dealing with APs to me. I've had this play out CONSTANTLY in casual relationships with APs (before I understood attachment styles). They'll often keep things casual until they learn that I'm seeing other women as well. Then they'll get angry with me despite the fact that they're seeing other people as well. This usually comes out of a need for control, and APs typically exhibit this trait. DAs will just keep it casual or walk away.
@@sifublack192 I appreciate the information here and it gives me more to look into, thanks for this 💪🏾
@@ShadowSnake141 it’s possible that they are projecting their own desires onto you. But if this keeps happening over and over again to you and you notice that it’s a pattern, you are the common denominator. So maybe there’s some thing about the way you’re approaching friendship, with these people that feels like more than friendship to them. So you can just ask them, what leads you to think that? Be curious. It may be that there are miscommunications going on, and both of you are making assumptions without clarifying with each other.
Why is hard, when I want to talk about my concern because it's bothering me so much he'll just reply why am I getting too much drama, thinking negative when I just want to clarify things. I always think his feelings but what about mine?
Hmmm... My AP ex was this way. She was always projecting her issues onto me telling me I needed therapy despite being an alcoholic and prescription drug abuser. She was a misandrist who started fights for no reason and didn't like my commitment to fitness and martial arts (although she respected my career as a personal trainer and martial arts instructor). Sounds like APs have a similar projection issues.
thank you 😂
@@sifublack192 this video was focused on avoidant attachment, because that was the inquiry, but you are correct, anxious people often have the exact same projections
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment yes, which is why I found it interesting that APs exhibit similar behaviors.
Every test I take says either FA, leaning anxious, or secure with anxiety. I wonder sometimes if I feel as though I withdraw after being treated badly, namecalled, or my partner lashes out, and I was hurt. This makes me feel like a dismissive avoiding individual.. but most of the time, I feel secure unless they lash out at me. Call me names or hurt me.
The quiz on the site said open heart, other attachment quizzes label me as secure or a FA/AP
What is going on any suggestions?
@@Amber_Liedel you might find this video helpful: Can Attachment Styles Change Depending On Your Partner?
th-cam.com/video/IIBgD3Z3efk/w-d-xo.html
Can you make a video on how to deal with an anxiously attached partner?
@@airla-sophia I think you’ll like this video. 6 Signs of Anxious Partner + Six Tips to Embrace It
th-cam.com/video/gOAnqlS8QeQ/w-d-xo.html
I don’t really like the testimonials….not to undermine the helpfulness of this video. But I find them a bit disruptive.
Because everyone else does, including Kalama Haris
Thank you Briana that was very helpful to get this breakdown of anxious and avoidant interactions and projections