I have NEVER felt like I belong in this world. Even as a very small child I always wondered why I was here and why no one cared about my feelings or noticed my distress. Shut out by my parents, completely ignored unless they wanted me to do something, no one to guide me or talk to me about anything. Withdrawal and searching my entire life for “ family “ has left me not wanting to have anything to do with other people in my old age. I feel this in a deep deep way.
I can relate to your story. Also I made my own family. My husband turned out to be a narcissist was horrible to me. My oldest son has now taken his father’s side. Thank god for my youngest son and his lovely family! I always feel seen heard. Included. No judgement. I’m at least trying to deal with being molested by my uncle and parents don’t believe me no proof!! My son however has validated my claims. As he noticed my uncle inappropriately with my cousin. That alone has helped my mental health. I am truly blessed.
I definitely can relate. Whole family turned against me for questioning narratives and standing up for myself. I’ve always felt this way until Jesus. I got saved at 22 and let me tell you the Bible actually talks about those of us who are called and chosen will go through these things. The enemy tried to use my family and upbringing to break me down and make me feel unworthy but the truth was always I was called out of my family and so are you guys on this thread. We were called out for a bigger purpose. What the enemy meant for evil Jesus will turn for the good. I didn’t grow up in church ect I was raised Jewish. I’m saying this to tell you guys just know there is a purpose greater than we all realize and you guys are called by God. We weren’t meant to fit in we were meant to stand out. The Bible says Gods people are peculiar to the people of this world. If this fits you just know this is biblical. Call out to Jesus as He loves you and can deliver you of the loneliness. He sent me friends my way randomly who were Christian’s and who’ve helped me and now I’m not alone and can be myself fully. Exactly who God intended us to be- go to church we are all broken. We don’t go there because we are perfect or healed. We go there to get healed and lift the weight of this pain out of us
I feel like I'm on the outside of a gigantic bubble looking in and seeing people living normal happy lives, advancing through life with jobs, friends, and family. And I'm doing everything I can to get into that bubble and live like everyone else, and no matter what I do or how hard I try, I just can't do it and what frustrates me the most is I just don't understand why it's impossible for me to do and have things that virtually everyone else can do and have
I think the Danish philosopher, Kirkegard, said something like: The tragedy of life is that it must be lived forward but can only be understood backward. Those of us who have managed to reach the time of our lives where we finally have some peace because we came to these realizations experienced much negativity before we understood that trying to be someone other than yourself is ultimately futile and horrible for your self-esteem.
I no longer feel the need to fit in, but I also have no friends because everybody sucks, people gaslight me or put me down. I don't feel shame, I just feel it's not worth spending a minute more with such people (hey, boundaries!), and so I have no friends. Maybe I haven't found my tribe, but I also haven't put any effort into it looking. I just hide at home and be a lonely dog lady. Sometimes I feel lonely not having someone to talk to, but I also feel very much at peace not having to deal with people who are unpleasant.
I can validate your feelings. After 2 years of therapy and unlearning and cutting off every unhealthy relationship I am just noticing this is my new normal. I find that in social settings people love me but I always get haters from peoples attention which really is these people want me to bow to them like we’re in high school. I will not and once I see them for who they are I do not fool with them. Because others beg to fit in so much they chase the mean people and because the mean people don’t like me it causes the decent people I could have a good relationship with to start acting funny. I’m like life is too short to be around evil, fickle people. I am an extrovert but after healing love a day home in peace. I have no close friends anymore because I realized those around me just love what I bring to a room and what I offer. I’m over it but I’ve learned from therapy I am thankful that I can speak truth or reality of my life. I am 45 and no longer have any close friends or friends at all for that matter. I cut toxic family off, and do not hang out at church because of the cult mentality and the leadership wanting you to chase them to fit in. I will not and until God sends a friend or mate I will not worry about it. I am over superficial. I am amazing as I am and it is a privilege (or will be at least) when someone gets me for a friend. It’s strange that we have a need to be accepted but the truth is I’m not fake PERIOD! I pray you stay comfortable in your truth.
People always had different beliefs and opinions most stupid /racist/ sexist but there were no social media and the insane propaganda that there is today and that creates a lot of friction because now you know everything that your neighbor / friend / relative etc thinks from their online presence and that makes it insufferable to keep contact with them if their beliefs make you sick you can't get past that so you remain a loner and you can't find the other loners that feel the same because they have already isolated themselves.
@silotx that is an excellent point I never thought about! It’s hard to break through and see each other’s humanity if I’ve seen they devalue people before I meet them. Hell, many may receive my digital social presence the same way. It makes it difficult, I think, to give each other the opportunity to be vulnerable because I am already protective. I see their beliefs and ideas before I see them live, and I think it makes the silos even greater. Really appreciate this thought, making me reflect on a lot of my general paranoia when entering new spaces
@@silotx that is probably true too but my experience is IN PERSON. The people I meet in person are fickle and shallow. I'm not on social media. I only have 100 FB friends because I know them (family/old friends). I do not watch other peoples pages so my genuine interactions over time is in person based off of how they move. Body language speaks so much louder than their lying lips. It is too many mean-spirited people. I smile at people and they get mad and don't even speak to you if they don't know you. You could be going to the same library book club for a few months and they will still act like they don't know who you are. People are prideful and selfish at their core and if something does not benefit them they turn their noses up or step over people. This is what I have observed. I often have people who do befriend or be nice to me but I cannot rock with someone who mistreats other people for no reason than just selfishness and pride. I am very sensitve to people who are just good people or need help. It takes nothing to just smile or say Good Morning. I speak to everyone and was taught manners and to be kind. No one has done anything to me that I have to be mean spirited or try to make them feel less than. These are the type of people I observe. I can spot them soon as I walk in a room because although they try to ignore you you can feel them burning holes through you because they are intrigued yet can't be nice and act cordial. They will ask about you but go around you because they really like you but they also are jealous or don't want others to like you. I also observe because I will talk to anyone they get mad because like High School they want you to come through them and chase after being their friend or knowing them, but like I said when I see that nice nasty or prideful attitude I do not fool with them. We need a campaign that promotes kindness and humility in 2024.
One aspect of this issue that is often overlooked (including in this video) is that if the abuse (but especially neglect) was severe enough and early enough, there is very little "authentic self", perhaps none at all. It never fully developed. And whatever identity the individual possesses is neither integrated nor their own...it's a fragmented and inconsistent mixture of adaptations to their family's pathology. Often, it's stuck at the stage of an infant...or whichever stage the mother severed the connection. As a result, being authentic is often impossible, no matter how accepting other people are.
I have been pondering just this, as well. So much therapy focuses upon the assumption that one possesses a coherent, good enough functioning self to be able to implement self love and all the tools, and be the parent to oneself, and so forth. My trauma is rooted in the early infant/baby , preverbal time frame, and when I try so hard to reach down to that suffering child within, I am completely overcome by the by this trauma field, and there is Only the screaming, sobbing child, and no self is present. And now, at 70, I am looking back on my whole life and how I've lived almost the entirety of it completely run by that trauma conditioning, and only now am I just beginning, for the first time, to begin to know aspects of authentic self outside the trauma distortion. I've only ever tried to change, distort, control, repress, to be what others want, so mommy would love me, but she hated me even more.
@pecosruby1 horrible mother! I'm sorry you went through this. Jesus heals and if not on this side of heaven, you will find yourself on the other side if you are His. Call on Him today and be saved. ❤
Probably 90% of what you've described is exactly who I am. And I can't see it ever changing. I think it's not really living. It's like you are just going thru the motions of life but you'll never actually be a real participant.
I went to therapy for 30 yrs with no results. Finally started to feel some growth when I started practicing self love and compassion (some call it re parenting) but that along with regulation exercises (deep breathing, imagery , vegal nerve soothing etc . Hope this helps . The self compassion thing sounds super cheesy but it actually works over time. Put a hand on ur heart and ask "lil buddy, what do u need right now) it sounds to easy to work but I've come to see it's the missing key . In therapy everyone was trying to fix my brain but if I'm disassociated then has zero effect... The self compassion seems to get u "on the map"
I’m also in my 40’s but I’ve found a few rare people who I feel comfortable with. It’s a very slow process because most people choose relationships by status and utility rather than safe connection.
Tim is the best on YT for explanation regarding Complex trauma and it's symptoms. I've watched others but they don't live up to Tim. I feel that i don't belong but as I've aged i care less.
This is one of my core wounds. Its resulted in intense self isolation from years of failed masking and looking for a new tribe. Ive been obsessed with eco/ intentional communities.
Same here. I've spent years putting my all into building alternative communities, but at the end of the day, you're still stuck with all the frailties of human relations with the added burden of internal politics and power plays. And you still have to conform to quasi-religious beliefs. When I started questioning the climate change doctrine, old friendships counted for nothing. I became a dangerous heretic to be shunned. The lesson I've learned from this is that you can't expect ideological communities to be your salvation. It's probably better to build your own social group organically, one person at a time.
Wow. I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother. She absolutely hates me and always has. What I have endured all of my life makes "Mommy Dearest" read like a bedtime story. Not an exaggeration, Mother does not do wire hangers. Anyway, I am a chameleon. I can fit in anywhere. Not the sort who blends in either, it's almost like I am in the spotlight all the time. Who am I? Authentic self? Umm, there isn't one. I am whoever is needed. However, I never belong. Every relationship is shallow and fleeting. I have been acting my entire existence. I will be 59 in a few days. I have far less sand in the top of my hourglass than is wasted at the bottom. Honestly, is it even possible to become someone at this stage in life? Sounds like a stupid question... All this time, all these things I have done and seen, yet still I am no body going nowhere. I could lie to myself and others, saying I do not care, but it does matter. I matter. Right?
yes, you matter ❤ one way to start is journaling to explore your history and thoughts and ideas. art can help, expressing yourself without needing words.
You definitely matter! You always deserved better! Now, parent yourself. Love yourself and meet all of your needs while giving yourself loving kindness. I wish I could give you a great big hug! Slow life down, less doing and just be. Explore your dreams and thoughts. Write down all the things you value in life. Stick close to your values and you will find yourself in them. YOU MATTER! You don't have to be like anyone else or please anyone else. Put yourself first. Ask yourself... do I want this? Do I want to do this thing? What will bring me joy?
I don't belong anywhere and at this stage have stopped seeking it. But somehow I rarely succumbed to peer pressure probably because I didn't really respect the opinion of the herd. Yet being the eternal outsiders isn't that fulfilling either.
This was validating. I watched it 4 times to get all the information cemented. I finally understand what it means to be shame based and where that shame comes from. Thank you. It seems the only way to get rid of shame is to discover who you are and live thoughtfully as that person. How do you find out who you are? What do YOU like/dislike? Why? What do you believe/not believe? Why? What are your preferences? Why? What are you good at? What do you find difficult? This takes self reflection. Perhaps even the most shame based person can answer at least some of these questions. Everytime you answer one, you find out more about who you are. Once you understand who you are, you can attempt to live accordingly. But it seems that there's always a psychopath lurking to lure you back into old patterns. It's an isolating, overwhelming journey. For those of us on this journey, we need to be kind and patient with each other and ourselves.
Great advice, this works, we have to rediscover ourselves, I’ve been doing this for years but I’m still by myself with my kids lol, I’m hoping one day it will change though, at least all of the baddies are out of my life now x
Google “safe people” you get a list of the characteristics of what makes a person safe. I’ve recently done this and it definitely helps me to grow my awareness as to who you should trust and who to run from. ❤
Both my parents beat me and my older brother and Verbally abused us. My brother has passed away. He would’ve been 70 today. We both had a difficult life in our adulthood. I try to fit in with church and other things, but I still feel like a lunar and I don’t fit in. But I keep trying.
I grew up in a home of constant fear, belittlement and occasional whippings (as well as seeing one brother mainly get beaten with belt to where there were bruises/welts). Anyway, I was very different and lonely when I left home. Got married but no real friends, worked and some liked me. It took a very long time to even accept people liked me. I still feel that, now, at 66. But, you/I and people like us have to realize we “do” fit in and are liked (most of time, anyway LOL) and we fit in just as much as anyone else. God Bless You and remember others love and like you, even when you don’t realize it!
Jesus can change you I can say this because He did it for me🙏I’m praying for all of us who went through this life that wasn’t really a life. God loves unconditional
Maybe that's why I ask my mother while standing in the kitchen in the seventh grade, if I was adopted. It was about the same time that I remember hitting myself in the face while standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom. I was always that kid. my name is Tom, but I was that kid. I peed the bed. I senior year and I stuttered really bad. But it all stopped after I left that toxic family. I graduated.
Same. ❤ The sad thing is that it just becomes “normal” and automatic for the toxic family to have the patterns they do. It’s like in evolutionary biology where an organism is shaped into a niche and if things change they go extinct. That feeling-that psychology-works like physical niches in nature. Everyone is underwater on the reef or etc. in their minds.
I did the same as a child felt adopted my Mom was very immersed with me and I peed in bed till age14. Today at 68 my life has been mostly healed through a 12 step group.
Don't know if I come off to strong, but people don't want to go deep. I don't think Im attracted to the same narcissistic people over and over. I think most people feel uncomfortable with it. So I end up conforming by keeping it light and superficial and I end up feeling alone even when getting to know someone
I try a bit, but I’m exhausted on my days off and have errands and my own things to get done, to feel good in myself, about myself. Filling my own cup. 🥰
As a natural extrovert, the shame kicks in after social events. I love connections, and I can make contact easily, but then...when I am on my way home I get severly insecure; "did I say something stupid", "did I read the room correctly", "i shouldn't have said this or that", "I was so dumb when..." And people often don't understand the extreme amount of shame, insecurity and anxiety that I feel. And that's the point where I need someone who can co-regulate and/or just sees my struggle. But people tend to say "you did fine", "don't be so insecure", "let it go". And that makes me feel even more alienated. And then I lock myself in the house and get sad and get more anxious for the next time. I started with drama therapy this year and that helps me a lot, because I learn how to stay connected even when things get hard and weird and scary in the connection. ❤
Hi! First time I read this! I also feel shame soon after a social event! And I don’t have to do much to gain this bad sensation: just enjoying the moment and chat with people.I like staying with people and laugh, but soon after I feel stupid, I feel that I messed up everything and I need to start from the beginning. This feeling of being wrong and the negative judgements I do on myself last up to the next social gathering ( that I try always to avoid). Now I clearly see that the judgements are my grandma and mama plus other members of the family’ s voices, now I can remember them saying that I was too friendly, too emotional, too lively; too empathetic; too smiling; too comprehensive; too generous; too curious; too active…. Today, writing to you and listing consciously their arsh comments I barely believe my memory! Why treating badly a kid for all these positive caractheristics? …But mine was a very religious family which intended to go to heaven by atoning for all sins of the world by avoiding every joyful aspect of life. Thank you for helping me better understanding a weird and painful reaction of mines.
Thank you @gember1382. You worded this so well. You did not deserve this and it is heartbreaking to feel this with you. It is a soul trap. Please do everything you can to attach to Jesus Christ. I cannot promise how it will go, and iI'm not saying it is simple, only that you will experience love from Him that no regular human is capable of. I have experienced His love for real. I still struggle, but I have hope and faith that came from our Creator.
Sometimes you have to tell people you don't want their comfort and reassurance, you just want them to hear you and try to see you when you are sharing. You need to tell them this, and if they do care they may be able to meet you in this way.
At 65, it’s easier to reject the world and find peace and comfort without people in my life. People are exhausting. I see no reason to pursue the unattainable.
YOU GUYS there is a ton of us who relate to this!!This means we are all fitting in with each other technically. So technically we are not such outsiders after all!! Also being well adjusted to an unhealthy society is not really such a great thing in general.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable s0urce here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, blizmyco. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
No one can feel connected if they can't be their authentic self. But there are people out there who are secure enough inside themselves they can let others be who they truly are and even appreciate them for it. They are few and far between, but they are out there.
That’s me. I’m perfectly happy on my own. We each have our own path through life and it doesn’t bother me that other people can be who they are. I would make a good hermit.
I feel this hard. I literally have tried everything possible to be as normal as possible. But when I factor in all of the abuse, trauma, neglect, bullying, being hyper sensitive, empathic, having a rare personality INFJ, being autistic with ADHD, I can’t help but to feel what I am feeling. With all that I have going on within adding to being diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety with PTSD, I feel like I am cursed. Despite all that I am dealing with, I put my best foot forward to be there for others, loving them, giving my undivided attention and loyalty. Finding common grounds is extremely difficult because I am already a part of the uncommon groups of people.
Oh my gosh, your post made me laugh so hard and kinda made me want to meet you because I too, am an INFJ, autistic, ADHD, with some background trauma but a really great upbringing in a happy family. It makes me wonder if we'd be great friends or bug the crap out of each other. I have never met anyone else with so many similarities to myself. Wanna chat?
@@ChristianOne Hi. Lol, how funny is that. Absolutely, I think we could easily become friends because we would understand each other, get mad then come back together and respect each other. Lol
@@Taurusboy07 I have never contacted anyone off a comment section. How do we do that? I'd ask for a phone # or something or Instagram acct or something but I don't want to have us putting personal info out to everyone. Any ideas?
My trauma has kept me a million miles away for the past 30+ years. Typicals typically don't like atypicals. But that's the hand I was dealt and keep the cards close to my chest. If friends are like coins, it's better to have four quarters than a hundred pennies. I got my quarters.
I think this why we love comedians....we admire people who can stand up in front of the world and reveal their weaknesses and in turn make us feel connected and able to laugh at our human frailty.
It’s my life always feeling lonely end up being isolated. I am crying listening to this. Not because of me but my daughter. I have passed on her the same thing. I can’t forgive myself.
I am experiencing the same kind of situation. Also I have a son of one and a half years and I am afraid of passing this problem on to him. Especially since I remember arguments with my ex in front of the baby, my ex screaming next to him, and me on my side, I am afraid of passing on my own trauma to him. It is a very sad life.
@@bbosc674 You are lucky because you still can affect your situation as your son is very young yet. My daughter is almost adult there is not much I can do. We talk about all of that but I don’t see it helping. I can tell you one thing I have learned too late. I only repeated the same pattern from my mother who was emotionally unavailable and the only thing that was important being good at school. The only thing kids need is unconditional love and having their mother being always there for them emotionally available. That’s enough I think. If getting that kids are able to get over everything in their life. Having bad father too.
My only son is 49. Breaks my heart that I see the same struggles in him because I didn't know how to be with people. It is like watching myself in a mirror. My heart is broken that I have passed this to him. I wish he had a healthy ,self confident mother. Breaks my heart for him.
I recently fully apologized and took full responsibility and accountability to my children for how my CPTSD from my childhood negatively effected them as well. I have apologized many times over the years but this time I told them in no uncertain terms that I really want them to know and understand it's not their fault and that I am willing to sit and listen and hear their pain and just keep apologizing and listening as much and as many times as they need to hear it. My kids deserved a whole parent not the half of a broken single parent who was never home cause I was the main bread winner in the house and had to work massive hours to provide for them. I will not gaslight my kids or make them question their sanity or deny their reality. I know what that feels like. These are not easy conversations to have but It seems to be really making a big positive difference for all of us. These are the conversations I needed my parents to be willing to have with me, they can't so I must forgive them and just know that they were too hurt themselves and they never got to have that conversation with their parents either. Its taking me a long time to get to this point, its not easy❤
Sexually abused as a young child, of the fifties, repressed for half of my life, people pleaser, never told about it by my parents, who had their own problems, I'm tired
You have just explained so much of my life! I had two or three epiphanies while listening to this and feel like I understand myself so much more. Thank you thank you thank you!
Joining a music club ten years ago, has saved my life. I reached out due to desperation, and now at least I'm able to join a band and go on stage a few times per year. I still feel like the stranger, I'm still unable to connect, but I'm welcome and respected, and they don't try to force me to open up, probably because many of them are teachers, and can read my issues like an open book. I really lucked out. But I still want to fix my issues.
In my healing journey self care and having a coach that keeps mirroring me and helping me stay in connection with myself, has helped me a lot. But still, every encounter, even if it's with friends, family or an activity that I like, there is always a voice in my head that tells me that I'm not good enough and that I they all are better, skinnier, more outgoing, funnier, etc. But I'm on my way...growing stronger each day...all by staying gentle with myself en constantly feeling and setting boundaries. It's a long long long way...but I'm proud of where I come from and where I am right now ❤
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! This is *my* prison. This feeling you describe is so strong in me that I even didn't thought about that much. I started to talk to the guards that keep me in shame and change them to protect me, as they should. They are allowed to keep me in check an warn me if "limbic-shadow-wolf" is trying to take all control again, but even he is more calm since he is allowed to be part of me and is more heard. I'll try now to follow your advice and find *one* person, which seems so hard, but there is a little spark on again. A couple of days ago it felt like a door opened in my chest. And somewhere i read a quote *"if life closes a door .... open it again, that is how doors work"* One quick tip, if I may, in exchange for all your help: Maybe turn the mic a little more upward and talk over it instead of kind into it. So you can reduce a little more the popping sounds and the overshooting of the audio level. Worth a try. Of course it depends on the characteristic of the mic. Audio is also a complex topic.
I used to have the desire to belong. But when I realized I was trying to impress the wrong people then I was awake to who I am and what I want. I don't want to fit in with a crowd and I have extreme trauma from childhood if anything it taught me to be more choosy with who I allow in my life
As someone who is completely blind and on the autistic spectrum, I had unrealistic restrictions and rules put on me as a child and as a teenager. I wasn’t allowed to touch and explore everything around me. I was taught to keep my hands to myself because “touching and exploring everything is socially awkward, and it’s not what sighted people do.” I wasn’t allowed to cry or get mad or have meltdowns. I wasn’t allowed to run into things. I wasn’t allowed to use sensory items. The list goes on. I’ve masked touching everything and crying for awhile now, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep silencing and restricting myself. I mean, touching everything is my way of expressing curiosity, even if I’m touching every single thing in public. Crying is a way of expressing many forms of emotions. Being through this plus many forms of abuse caused me CPTSD. Each day, I do what I can to heal my trauma, and be my true authentic self, and not mask my blind isms and my CPTSD.
Clearly you are an amazing person Sienna. I hope you do get to experience all the support and validation you have always deserved. My heart aches to know what you have had to suffer and endure. Your strength, courage, wisdom and self-compassion are such wonderful attributes. All the best always.
I don't know for sure but I believe the autism is a result of trauma as well as the other labels they put on it ,bpd ,did ,ADHD you know the ever popular therapy labels ! TRAUMA! Childhood developmental Traumas!
I'm crying reading your post. Starting your life with a horrible disability is hard enough and then not having the support you needed to thrive in your situation really sucks. I'm praying for you and that you find peace. God bless you.
@@beatrixbrennan1545 I don’t look at my blindness as a horrible disability, nor do I look at my autism as that either. I think CPTSD is the horrible mental illness that I despise so damn much.
Here’s a question for people out there: Who here has healed from trauma or made significant improvements? I’d be curious how they have achieved it and how it has changed their lives. The reason why I am asking is this: I see all these great videos about trauma and why people are the way they are. It helps me understand why I am how I am. But when it comes to concrete strategies to heal there is not much out there - most material around trauma is about how it happens and what it does.
Hi... I have had trauma (diagnosed with cptsd) that has stunted me... I found a wonderful christian therapist and have gone through emdr... would highly recommend... I feel a significance difference... still feel slightly stuck but still have alot of work to do
I have to deal with heavy trauma in childhood. Iam very very thankful for this videos and also some others. It is so much help in getting understanding. But from my experience, there is also a spiritual reality behind trauma. And I found out to deal with it solely with psychological strategies and in my own strength, can not address that issue. Some month ago I came across a fine Christian group for inner healing and deliverance. Jesus Christ can free us and heal us, and deal with things we can not. In christian deliverance are very effective strategies. But as with all things its important to find a good and solid place.
Read the book, "the body keeps the score", it explains how you can heal yourself through your body (which has stored the trauma and causes the physical reactions that make us feel the way we do). That and yoga have helped for me and trying to be my authentic self (not always people pleasing, but trying to listen to my own wants and needs more often). I also take (herbal) medicine for anxiety if I have something challening ahead or feel horrible amounts of shame. Also journaling, writing down all the worries and the lange amounts of shame helps reduce them. These are the things that have worked for me (along with accepting that while I am not where other people are in life I am WAY ahead of where I used to be, and since that is all I can do I stopped beating myself up for being "different"). I agree with you, that many of these videos only explain WHY these things happen, but they hardly ever give any advice or help on what to do about it. Fortunately this channeI seems to be different.
Christ alone can set you free and you can be free indeed from shame. The thing that made lasting change for me was confessing the things that brought me shame to another believer, she was 84 years old and a stranger to me, but after confessing my shame, I never felt shame over that again. Last year I chose to go on a carnivore diet and within 2 weeks my emotional heath noticeably improved. I wish you peace.
I really believed for a very long time that I was self sufficient and blessed with lesser needs 🤷🏻♀️😅 Thank you for teaching and helping me and others ❤
I don’t recommend “religious groups” as a means of connection…at least not right away. You can certainly practice your faith without being sucked into the “group” right away. While the idea is that there is a common interest there, oftentimes you will discover the commonality is actually “deep-rooted unresolved trauma“ as opposed to “we all love ourselves & each other”. These spaces are packed with individuals wearing masks (women especially). You will find yourself hurt if you haven’t established your own awareness around triggers as well as developed healthy emotional/behavioral regulation practices.
If you keep going back to the toxic family it literally is like reopening a wound & you can come close to losing your mind the more you keep trying to reconnect. What disgusted me about my family was things seemed worse after a sibling had passed & I naively thought it would bring people closer
This video is gold. Right now i feel content that i do not fit into this toxic world. Over the past decade, i have been praying and doing my own thing. I was never a joiner of bandwagons, in fact i would purposefully avoid them. If there was a blessing in all of this childhood trauma, this is one for me. I have found a way to better understand my parents and these videos of Tim's are helping me go to the next steps. I am still processing the emotional pain but its considerably less. The anger is being transformed. Feeling more blessed than slighted at the present time. Mom is 80 years old and we have a decent relationship for the most part. Dad passed away many years ago and nothing was resolved between us. Maybe it wasnt supposed to be. Praying that all of you here find peace and understanding in your journey. Take the time and dont rush. Some things cant be rushed. God bless.
I’m so glad I found this video after following a link from your talk on Devaluing and Discarding Phases of Codependency. Both shook me to my core. I have a lot of self reflection and learning to do. 🙏🏽
I have never felt like I belonged anywhere ever. Not even in my own family. When I was a victim of SA at the age of 4, a wall went down between me and the world, and cut me off from both the world and myself. I retreated into the world of the mind. Plus I was an unplanned and unwanted child that the rest of the family resented for even existing. So I was always isolated from them and given the very clear message that I should not exist, so the best thing I could do was try my best to fade into the woodwork and not remind people I was alive. I did my best. And then, there was the fact that I never went to kindergarten. So I was already behind my fellow students socially on my first day of Grade 1. Not long after that, I fell to the bottom of the pecking order and became the school pariah and got bullied and had no friends. I have lived my life extremely alone in all ways at all times. I have very good friends now but there's only so close they can get to me and I to them. Because I have never been all that close to anybody.
This was an incredibly relatable video. The suffering is so painful but, it is comforting to know that you're not alone and that others do know what this experience is like.
I’m definitely one of these people. It’s forced me to work on myself instead of spending time with others. But the benefit is that I’m not restricted by what others think. I can read, speak and spend my time here exactly the way I want, learning all the spiritual lessons I need to learn without being ridiculed. 👍🏻
Adult children of alcoholic or other dysfunctional family systems aka , ACA or ACOA plenty of resources online you can find some of these people your looking for big secret you can do the work yourself !
For me it started with a traumatic experience when I was 3 yrs old. After that incident I didn’t feel safe and attached to my mom to the extreme. Fear of abandonment. This fear stayed and is still present. I’ve worn masks all my life, I’ve learned to read individuals and groups, knowing what would make me fit in. And it always worked. I was never rejected but I never made a connection. I had an extremely lonely childhood and was a lonely teenager. To this day I wear masks when I’m in social situations. The only place where I can truly be who I am is when I’m with my direct family and with my boyfriend. I’ve never been able to take off the mask and still have the feeling that I don’t belong.
You described my childhood so well, and when a man came around that gave me "what I was longing for" I fell for it, but have realized he is a narcissist, in Christianity divorce is so frowned upon. But through my healing process I have learned I am not being authentic to myself in this relationship, trying to re-learn who I am.
Thank you so much for the clear and insightful information you share. It has had a profound impact on me as I navigate this complex journey of healing from C-PTSD. Your guidance means so much.
Wow just when I thought id heard the best then I listen to this man and he is so meek and well educated I am so thankful! I had no idea as to why things happen in my life going way back thank u I am listening to every single talk u give ❤❤❤❤
Same age and also feel the same way. But I truly believe now that we have become aware at least we aren’t headed in the wrong direction anymore. Not lost and confounded! We’re in this together. Let’s heal in whatever time we have left. I’m trying my best 😢.
This is the best, most in depth explanation I have ever heard. I finally feel understood and liberated from all the tortuous self doubt I've lived with. At least now I can see a way forward. Thank you so much! ❤️
I have not been accepted anywhere and around any group, even with my faith as a Christian. It hurts when ex have pushed you further into shame by not accepting you in fact being cruel and abusive. At 32, I’m completely alone with no one and nobody to care. If I died no one will know for at least a month or more only because I wouldn’t have paid rent. Then they wouldn’t find anyone to report my death to. I will die alone and with no one to know that I did. Honestly I’m ok with this, I’m just tired of trying hard and it’s just not working for me
I'm 65, have been a very committed Christian since I was a teenager, never married, have no family. At this point you look ahead. Have decided not to have a funeral. What's the point?
You were able to help me break through a complete block I was struggling with. The information points people to ways that are positive for themselves and others. Thank you.
With this I realize how far I've made it. I'm not a prisoner of myself anymore. I don't try to fit in. I still look for authentic ppl but I don't feel need to fit in. People either like me for who I am or they don't. I'm glad I came across this video.
It's hard to find a "safe" person out there that I would comfortable being vulnerable with. This has resulted in rejection in the past. I will follow your advice and try again. Thank you
I constantly deel like this- And have felt like this all my life... My family is dysfunctional to the nth degree.... Lots and lots of abuse, lack of boundaries, lack of physical safety itself since I was four... I'm always trying to find a group or something where I feel like I'm part of a family
I’m so tired. I put so much energy into feeling like fitting in and creating a group that makes me feel safe and it almost worked out! But then some new ppl came into the group and it immediately made me react badly over time. And now I’m back to being alone. Also ps, the healing list goes all the way to the letter r? 😅😭 there’s so much to do and will it even help us heal for good or will we always be in a battle?
Truth hurts at first but is so healing when you look back. Be you and dont try to fit into the world it hurts far more than anyones anyone's judgement or opinion
Your right and I am 90. He just described my whole life Conceived out rape. rejected by both presents BUT I Have serviced with the whole world against me There is a new world coming
I'm just cherry picking your content at the present time, but DAMN it speaks to me and my situation!! Thank you so much for putting this content out there. I am grateful for the insights I am receiving. God Bless
Oh my gosh. I have ALWAYS felt like there was something wrong with me. Only accepted if I’m perfect, skinny, popular, performing or achieving. With men, it’s only physical. 😞
When I was 11, I went to the Shriners hospital for children, and was fitted with a rather large, bulky back brace(instead of surgery). It fit under my shirts, but a metal bar stuck out on my chest enough it was noticable. I was in band, so I was a nerd too. So I only had a couple friends, but none were all that close friends. I never had a date until far after school (20). And the relationships I've had over the years were terrible. 12 years ago I ended up with a son out of one relationship. His mom had legal issues (drugs) so I got custody. He has been the only reason for me to do anything. Unfortunately 2 years ago she went missing. Presumably dead. Local crack heads were acting weird around the time of her disappearance, but no proof of anything. Mixed feelings about it. angry, sad, depressed, but also a sense of relief (she won't show up methed out in the middle of the night).... But I haven't been talking to anyone about anything. I don't want to put my mask on. I'm a mechanic, I can fix anything, but I cannot fix myself.
Relationships are needed for healing? I don't think this is true for all people. I'm almost 50 and have zero true friends. I've always been an an introvert and this world simply is not for outsiders. Once I learned to stop trying to conform and fit in groups my life became so much easier. I also learned the true meaning of self love.
I have NEVER felt like I belong in this world. Even as a very small child I always wondered why I was here and why no one cared about my feelings or noticed my distress. Shut out by my parents, completely ignored unless they wanted me to do something, no one to guide me or talk to me about anything. Withdrawal and searching my entire life for “ family “ has left me not wanting to have anything to do with other people in my old age. I feel this in a deep deep way.
I hear you
I can relate to your story. Also I made my own family. My husband turned out to be a narcissist was horrible to me. My oldest son has now taken his father’s side. Thank god for my youngest son and his lovely family! I always feel seen heard. Included. No judgement. I’m at least trying to deal with being molested by my uncle and parents don’t believe me no proof!! My son however has validated my claims. As he noticed my uncle inappropriately with my cousin. That alone has helped my mental health. I am truly blessed.
I definitely can relate. Whole family turned against me for questioning narratives and standing up for myself. I’ve always felt this way until Jesus. I got saved at 22 and let me tell you the Bible actually talks about those of us who are called and chosen will go through these things. The enemy tried to use my family and upbringing to break me down and make me feel unworthy but the truth was always I was called out of my family and so are you guys on this thread. We were called out for a bigger purpose. What the enemy meant for evil Jesus will turn for the good. I didn’t grow up in church ect I was raised Jewish. I’m saying this to tell you guys just know there is a purpose greater than we all realize and you guys are called by God. We weren’t meant to fit in we were meant to stand out. The Bible says Gods people are peculiar to the people of this world. If this fits you just know this is biblical. Call out to Jesus as He loves you and can deliver you of the loneliness. He sent me friends my way randomly who were Christian’s and who’ve helped me and now I’m not alone and can be myself fully. Exactly who God intended us to be- go to church we are all broken. We don’t go there because we are perfect or healed. We go there to get healed and lift the weight of this pain out of us
Same.
Are we twins? 🤓😎
I feel like I'm on the outside of a gigantic bubble looking in and seeing people living normal happy lives, advancing through life with jobs, friends, and family. And I'm doing everything I can to get into that bubble and live like everyone else, and no matter what I do or how hard I try, I just can't do it and what frustrates me the most is I just don't understand why it's impossible for me to do and have things that virtually everyone else can do and have
I relate 100%
Same here! 😢
Same here
Me too, but I feel I am trapped in a bubble and cannot get out of it and other people live free with their families.
Same!! 🫂
All of us who feel completely seen by this should form a group… but then we will want to disconnect again 🤣
😁🙏🏽💯
Hahaha😂
haha, good one Fannie ;)
I would be interested in such a group. Maybe a FB or Google Chat group.
Count me in
I no longer expect to fit in and feel a sense of belonging in any group. I’m me. If I can fit in, great. If not, then fine, I’m good to stay alone.
that feels so wise, it must give lots of peace, that insight, thanku for sharing, greetings from Belgium
Same here
I think the Danish philosopher, Kirkegard, said something like: The tragedy of life is that it must be lived forward but can only be understood backward. Those of us who have managed to reach the time of our lives where we finally have some peace because we came to these realizations experienced much negativity before we understood that trying to be someone other than yourself is ultimately futile and horrible for your self-esteem.
Same!
That’s where I’m at too.
I no longer feel the need to fit in, but I also have no friends because everybody sucks, people gaslight me or put me down. I don't feel shame, I just feel it's not worth spending a minute more with such people (hey, boundaries!), and so I have no friends. Maybe I haven't found my tribe, but I also haven't put any effort into it looking. I just hide at home and be a lonely dog lady. Sometimes I feel lonely not having someone to talk to, but I also feel very much at peace not having to deal with people who are unpleasant.
People have become so obnoxious that finding a normal polite person without an agenda is like finding a needle in a haystack.
I can validate your feelings. After 2 years of therapy and unlearning and cutting off every unhealthy relationship I am just noticing this is my new normal. I find that in social settings people love me but I always get haters from peoples attention which really is these people want me to bow to them like we’re in high school. I will not and once I see them for who they are I do not fool with them. Because others beg to fit in so much they chase the mean people and because the mean people don’t like me it causes the decent people I could have a good relationship with to start acting funny. I’m like life is too short to be around evil, fickle people. I am an extrovert but after healing love a day home in peace. I have no close friends anymore because I realized those around me just love what I bring to a room and what I offer. I’m over it but I’ve learned from therapy I am thankful that I can speak truth or reality of my life. I am 45 and no longer have any close friends or friends at all for that matter. I cut toxic family off, and do not hang out at church because of the cult mentality and the leadership wanting you to chase them to fit in. I will not and until God sends a friend or mate I will not worry about it. I am over superficial. I am amazing as I am and it is a privilege (or will be at least) when someone gets me for a friend. It’s strange that we have a need to be accepted but the truth is I’m not fake PERIOD! I pray you stay comfortable in your truth.
People always had different beliefs and opinions most stupid /racist/ sexist but there were no social media and the insane propaganda that there is today and that creates a lot of friction because now you know everything that your neighbor / friend / relative etc thinks from their online presence and that makes it insufferable to keep contact with them if their beliefs make you sick you can't get past that so you remain a loner and you can't find the other loners that feel the same because they have already isolated themselves.
@silotx that is an excellent point I never thought about! It’s hard to break through and see each other’s humanity if I’ve seen they devalue people before I meet them. Hell, many may receive my digital social presence the same way. It makes it difficult, I think, to give each other the opportunity to be vulnerable because I am already protective. I see their beliefs and ideas before I see them live, and I think it makes the silos even greater. Really appreciate this thought, making me reflect on a lot of my general paranoia when entering new spaces
@@silotx that is probably true too but my experience is IN PERSON. The people I meet in person are fickle and shallow. I'm not on social media. I only have 100 FB friends because I know them (family/old friends). I do not watch other peoples pages so my genuine interactions over time is in person based off of how they move. Body language speaks so much louder than their lying lips. It is too many mean-spirited people. I smile at people and they get mad and don't even speak to you if they don't know you. You could be going to the same library book club for a few months and they will still act like they don't know who you are. People are prideful and selfish at their core and if something does not benefit them they turn their noses up or step over people. This is what I have observed. I often have people who do befriend or be nice to me but I cannot rock with someone who mistreats other people for no reason than just selfishness and pride. I am very sensitve to people who are just good people or need help. It takes nothing to just smile or say Good Morning. I speak to everyone and was taught manners and to be kind. No one has done anything to me that I have to be mean spirited or try to make them feel less than. These are the type of people I observe. I can spot them soon as I walk in a room because although they try to ignore you you can feel them burning holes through you because they are intrigued yet can't be nice and act cordial. They will ask about you but go around you because they really like you but they also are jealous or don't want others to like you. I also observe because I will talk to anyone they get mad because like High School they want you to come through them and chase after being their friend or knowing them, but like I said when I see that nice nasty or prideful attitude I do not fool with them. We need a campaign that promotes kindness and humility in 2024.
One aspect of this issue that is often overlooked (including in this video) is that if the abuse (but especially neglect) was severe enough and early enough, there is very little "authentic self", perhaps none at all. It never fully developed. And whatever identity the individual possesses is neither integrated nor their own...it's a fragmented and inconsistent mixture of adaptations to their family's pathology. Often, it's stuck at the stage of an infant...or whichever stage the mother severed the connection. As a result, being authentic is often impossible, no matter how accepting other people are.
I have been pondering just this, as well. So much therapy focuses upon the assumption that one possesses a coherent, good enough functioning self to be able to implement self love and all the tools, and be the parent to oneself, and so forth. My trauma is rooted in the early infant/baby , preverbal time frame, and when I try so hard to reach down to that suffering child within, I am completely overcome by the by this trauma field, and there is Only the screaming, sobbing child, and no self is present. And now, at 70, I am looking back on my whole life and how I've lived almost the entirety of it completely run by that trauma conditioning, and only now am I just beginning, for the first time, to begin to know aspects of authentic self outside the trauma distortion. I've only ever tried to change, distort, control, repress, to be what others want, so mommy would love me, but she hated me even more.
Ouch. That is painful to read.
@pecosruby1 horrible mother! I'm sorry you went through this. Jesus heals and if not on this side of heaven, you will find yourself on the other side if you are His. Call on Him today and be saved. ❤
@OR so powerful what you wrote.
@@OR65693 nope do not agree at all the self is always there waiting to be welcomed
Probably 90% of what you've described is exactly who I am. And I can't see it ever changing. I think it's not really living. It's like you are just going thru the motions of life but you'll never actually be a real participant.
true
perhaps God can change it? I only know that He can use it - for the good
Ugh yes and it makes u feel so alone. But we are not alone we have so much power and awareness to come out of this!
I went to therapy for 30 yrs with no results. Finally started to feel some growth when I started practicing self love and compassion (some call it re parenting) but that along with regulation exercises (deep breathing, imagery , vegal nerve soothing etc . Hope this helps . The self compassion thing sounds super cheesy but it actually works over time. Put a hand on ur heart and ask "lil buddy, what do u need right now) it sounds to easy to work but I've come to see it's the missing key . In therapy everyone was trying to fix my brain but if I'm disassociated then has zero effect... The self compassion seems to get u "on the map"
Existing...not truly living.
Thank you. Watching from Alaska.
🤔
At 71, I've been peeling this onion my whole life.
I felt like this since I was 6. I'm now 48. The cycle has not ended. It's devastating.
I’m also in my 40’s but I’ve found a few rare people who I feel comfortable with. It’s a very slow process because most people choose relationships by status and utility rather than safe connection.
Tim is the best on YT for explanation regarding Complex trauma and it's symptoms. I've watched others but they don't live up to Tim.
I feel that i don't belong but as I've aged i care less.
Anna Runkle explains it very well also.
This is one of my core wounds. Its resulted in intense self isolation from years of failed masking and looking for a new tribe. Ive been obsessed with eco/ intentional communities.
Same here. I've spent years putting my all into building alternative communities, but at the end of the day, you're still stuck with all the frailties of human relations with the added burden of internal politics and power plays. And you still have to conform to quasi-religious beliefs. When I started questioning the climate change doctrine, old friendships counted for nothing. I became a dangerous heretic to be shunned.
The lesson I've learned from this is that you can't expect ideological communities to be your salvation. It's probably better to build your own social group organically, one person at a time.
Good for you to be this aware! 👏🏼
Wow. I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother. She absolutely hates me and always has. What I have endured all of my life makes "Mommy Dearest" read like a bedtime story. Not an exaggeration, Mother does not do wire hangers. Anyway, I am a chameleon. I can fit in anywhere. Not the sort who blends in either, it's almost like I am in the spotlight all the time. Who am I? Authentic self? Umm, there isn't one. I am whoever is needed. However, I never belong. Every relationship is shallow and fleeting. I have been acting my entire existence. I will be 59 in a few days. I have far less sand in the top of my hourglass than is wasted at the bottom. Honestly, is it even possible to become someone at this stage in life? Sounds like a stupid question... All this time, all these things I have done and seen, yet still I am no body going nowhere. I could lie to myself and others, saying I do not care, but it does matter. I matter. Right?
yes, you matter ❤ one way to start is journaling to explore your history and thoughts and ideas. art can help, expressing yourself without needing words.
You definitely matter! You always deserved better! Now, parent yourself. Love yourself and meet all of your needs while giving yourself loving kindness. I wish I could give you a great big hug! Slow life down, less doing and just be. Explore your dreams and thoughts. Write down all the things you value in life. Stick close to your values and you will find yourself in them. YOU MATTER! You don't have to be like anyone else or please anyone else. Put yourself first. Ask yourself... do I want this? Do I want to do this thing? What will bring me joy?
your self-awareness and honesty is very special
You matter! Even if it doesn't feel like it. ❤
Is it a possibility that you can find your authentic self, love yourself like your life depends upon it. Kamala Ravicant.
I don't belong anywhere and at this stage have stopped seeking it. But somehow I rarely succumbed to peer pressure probably because I didn't really respect the opinion of the herd. Yet being the eternal outsiders isn't that fulfilling either.
This was validating. I watched it 4 times to get all the information cemented. I finally understand what it means to be shame based and where that shame comes from. Thank you. It seems the only way to get rid of shame is to discover who you are and live thoughtfully as that person. How do you find out who you are? What do YOU like/dislike? Why? What do you believe/not believe? Why? What are your preferences? Why? What are you good at? What do you find difficult? This takes self reflection. Perhaps even the most shame based person can answer at least some of these questions. Everytime you answer one, you find out more about who you are. Once you understand who you are, you can attempt to live accordingly. But it seems that there's always a psychopath lurking to lure you back into old patterns. It's an isolating, overwhelming journey. For those of us on this journey, we need to be kind and patient with each other and ourselves.
Great advice, this works, we have to rediscover ourselves, I’ve been doing this for years but I’m still by myself with my kids lol, I’m hoping one day it will change though, at least all of the baddies are out of my life now x
Google “safe people” you get a list of the characteristics of what makes a person safe. I’ve recently done this and it definitely helps me to grow my awareness as to who you should trust and who to run from. ❤
That is why blacksheep can’t go back! Thank you Tim!
Both my parents beat me and my older brother and Verbally abused us. My brother has passed away. He would’ve been 70 today. We both had a difficult life in our adulthood. I try to fit in with church and other things, but I still feel like a lunar and I don’t fit in. But I keep trying.
Hold on please, we have to find joy in little things in life, i am trying to❤
I grew up in a home of constant fear, belittlement and occasional whippings (as well as seeing one brother mainly get beaten with belt to where there were bruises/welts). Anyway, I was very different and lonely when I left home. Got married but no real friends, worked and some liked me. It took a very long time to even accept people liked me. I still feel that, now, at 66. But, you/I and people like us have to realize we “do” fit in and are liked (most of time, anyway LOL) and we fit in just as much as anyone else. God Bless You and remember others love and like you, even when you don’t realize it!
Same.. I'm 35 and dreading life ahead
Jesus can change you I can say this because He did it for me🙏I’m praying for all of us who went through this life that wasn’t really a life. God loves unconditional
❤❤❤
Maybe that's why I ask my mother while standing in the kitchen in the seventh grade, if I was adopted. It was about the same time that I remember hitting myself in the face while standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom. I was always that kid. my name is Tom, but I was that kid. I peed the bed. I senior year and I stuttered really bad. But it all stopped after I left that toxic family. I graduated.
Well done!!!!
🎉✨☄️🌞
Same. ❤ The sad thing is that it just becomes “normal” and automatic for the toxic family to have the patterns they do. It’s like in evolutionary biology where an organism is shaped into a niche and if things change they go extinct. That feeling-that psychology-works like physical niches in nature. Everyone is underwater on the reef or etc. in their minds.
I did the same as a child felt adopted my Mom was very immersed with me and I peed in bed till age14. Today at 68 my life has been mostly healed through a 12 step group.
@@annettebicer7555
Three things in common.
1. Im 68, 2. we both peed the bed till late. 3. 12 step program is helping me to help others. 👍
Don't know if I come off to strong, but people don't want to go deep. I don't think Im attracted to the same narcissistic people over and over. I think most people feel uncomfortable with it. So I end up conforming by keeping it light and superficial and I end up feeling alone even when getting to know someone
I try a bit, but I’m exhausted on my days off and have errands and my own things to get done, to feel good in myself, about myself.
Filling my own cup.
🥰
As a natural extrovert, the shame kicks in after social events. I love connections, and I can make contact easily, but then...when I am on my way home I get severly insecure; "did I say something stupid", "did I read the room correctly", "i shouldn't have said this or that", "I was so dumb when..."
And people often don't understand the extreme amount of shame, insecurity and anxiety that I feel. And that's the point where I need someone who can co-regulate and/or just sees my struggle. But people tend to say "you did fine", "don't be so insecure", "let it go". And that makes me feel even more alienated. And then I lock myself in the house and get sad and get more anxious for the next time.
I started with drama therapy this year and that helps me a lot, because I learn how to stay connected even when things get hard and weird and scary in the connection. ❤
Hi! First time I read this! I also feel shame soon after a social event! And I don’t have to do much to gain this bad sensation: just enjoying the moment and chat with people.I like staying with people and laugh, but soon after I feel stupid, I feel that I messed up everything and I need to start from the beginning. This feeling of being wrong and the negative judgements I do on myself last up to the next social gathering ( that I try always to avoid). Now I clearly see that the judgements are my grandma and mama plus other members of the family’ s voices, now I can remember them saying that I was too friendly, too emotional, too lively; too empathetic; too smiling; too comprehensive; too generous; too curious; too active…. Today, writing to you and listing consciously their arsh comments I barely believe my memory! Why treating badly a kid for all these positive caractheristics? …But mine was a very religious family which intended to go to heaven by atoning for all sins of the world by avoiding every joyful aspect of life. Thank you for helping me better understanding a weird and painful reaction of mines.
Thank you @gember1382. You worded this so well. You did not deserve this and it is heartbreaking to feel this with you. It is a soul trap. Please do everything you can to attach to Jesus Christ. I cannot promise how it will go, and iI'm not saying it is simple, only that you will experience love from Him that no regular human is capable of. I have experienced His love for real. I still struggle, but I have hope and faith that came from our Creator.
Sometimes you have to tell people you don't want their comfort and reassurance, you just want them to hear you and try to see you when you are sharing. You need to tell them this, and if they do care they may be able to meet you in this way.
At 65, it’s easier to reject the world and find peace and comfort without people in my life. People are exhausting. I see no reason to pursue the unattainable.
There is no good in chasing the unattainable.
You are in my prayers
I'm in the same boat. The game is rigged. The rules keep changing. I just don't want to play anymore.
YOU GUYS there is a ton of us who relate to this!!This means we are all fitting in with each other technically. So technically we are not such outsiders after all!! Also being well adjusted to an unhealthy society is not really such a great thing in general.
I had to read a long time to get to the first HOPEFUL and positive comment 😮😊❤👍🏻 thank you 🙏🏻
❤❤Thank you.
What a gem you are lora.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable s0urce here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, blizmyco. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. blizmyco
Microdosing helped me get out of the pit of my worst depressive episode, a three year long episode, enough to start working on my mental health.
No one can feel connected if they can't be their authentic self. But there are people out there who are secure enough inside themselves they can let others be who they truly are and even appreciate them for it. They are few and far between, but they are out there.
That’s me. I’m perfectly happy on my own. We each have our own path through life and it doesn’t bother me that other people can be who they are. I would make a good hermit.
I feel this hard. I literally have tried everything possible to be as normal as possible. But when I factor in all of the abuse, trauma, neglect, bullying, being hyper sensitive, empathic, having a rare personality INFJ, being autistic with ADHD, I can’t help but to feel what I am feeling. With all that I have going on within adding to being diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety with PTSD, I feel like I am cursed. Despite all that I am dealing with, I put my best foot forward to be there for others, loving them, giving my undivided attention and loyalty. Finding common grounds is extremely difficult because I am already a part of the uncommon groups of people.
Oh my gosh, your post made me laugh so hard and kinda made me want to meet you because I too, am an INFJ, autistic, ADHD, with some background trauma but a really great upbringing in a happy family. It makes me wonder if we'd be great friends or bug the crap out of each other. I have never met anyone else with so many similarities to myself. Wanna chat?
@@ChristianOne Hi. Lol, how funny is that. Absolutely, I think we could easily become friends because we would understand each other, get mad then come back together and respect each other. Lol
@@Taurusboy07 I have never contacted anyone off a comment section. How do we do that? I'd ask for a phone # or something or Instagram acct or something but I don't want to have us putting personal info out to everyone. Any ideas?
@@ChristianOne It is hard. I left several responses but I noticed they deleted them each time.
Me too
My trauma has kept me a million miles away for the past 30+ years. Typicals typically don't like atypicals. But that's the hand I was dealt and keep the cards close to my chest. If friends are like coins, it's better to have four quarters than a hundred pennies. I got my quarters.
That’s lovely. May you always be surrounded by healthy relationships that wish you nothing but the best.
I have 1 penny
Only Makes sense if you are from the U.S
I'm 49 yrs old but this man talks straight to the heart
I think this why we love comedians....we admire people who can stand up in front of the world and reveal their weaknesses and in turn make us feel connected and able to laugh at our human frailty.
It’s my life always feeling lonely end up being isolated. I am crying listening to this. Not because of me but my daughter. I have passed on her the same thing. I can’t forgive myself.
I am experiencing the same kind of situation. Also I have a son of one and a half years and I am afraid of passing this problem on to him. Especially since I remember arguments with my ex in front of the baby, my ex screaming next to him, and me on my side, I am afraid of passing on my own trauma to him. It is a very sad life.
@@bbosc674 You are lucky because you still can affect your situation as your son is very young yet. My daughter is almost adult there is not much I can do. We talk about all of that but I don’t see it helping. I can tell you one thing I have learned too late. I only repeated the same pattern from my mother who was emotionally unavailable and the only thing that was important being good at school.
The only thing kids need is unconditional love and having their mother being always there for them emotionally available. That’s enough I think. If getting that kids are able to get over everything in their life. Having bad father too.
My only son is 49. Breaks my heart that I see the same struggles in him because I didn't know how to be with people. It is like watching myself in a mirror. My heart is broken that I have passed this to him. I wish he had a healthy ,self confident mother. Breaks my heart for him.
I recently fully apologized and took full responsibility and accountability to my children for how my CPTSD from my childhood negatively effected them as well. I have apologized many times over the years but this time I told them in no uncertain terms that I really want them to know and understand it's not their fault and that I am willing to sit and listen and hear their pain and just keep apologizing and listening as much and as many times as they need to hear it. My kids deserved a whole parent not the half of a broken single parent who was never home cause I was the main bread winner in the house and had to work massive hours to provide for them. I will not gaslight my kids or make them question their sanity or deny their reality. I know what that feels like.
These are not easy conversations to have but It seems to be really making a big positive difference for all of us. These are the conversations I needed my parents to be willing to have with me, they can't so I must forgive them and just know that they were too hurt themselves and they never got to have that conversation with their parents either. Its taking me a long time to get to this point, its not easy❤
You can apologize to your child at any age. Take a look at Allergy Free and More, Jessica Anderson
Sexually abused as a young child, of the fifties, repressed for half of my life, people pleaser, never told about it by my parents, who had their own problems,
I'm tired
Hello 👋Beautiful Lady 🌹..How are you and the weather condition like ?
You have just explained so much of my life! I had two or three epiphanies while listening to this and feel like I understand myself so much more. Thank you thank you thank you!
I just know that being a novelty eventually becomes old and lonely. I want to be myself but also heard and respected.
Wow I feel like someone understands my plight in life when listening to this
Great analysis of why and how human beings become uncomfortable in their own skin and life. Thank you.
Yes he's really nailed it.
Joining a music club ten years ago, has saved my life. I reached out due to desperation, and now at least I'm able to join a band and go on stage a few times per year.
I still feel like the stranger, I'm still unable to connect, but I'm welcome and respected, and they don't try to force me to open up, probably because many of them are teachers, and can read my issues like an open book. I really lucked out.
But I still want to fix my issues.
In my healing journey self care and having a coach that keeps mirroring me and helping me stay in connection with myself, has helped me a lot. But still, every encounter, even if it's with friends, family or an activity that I like, there is always a voice in my head that tells me that I'm not good enough and that I they all are better, skinnier, more outgoing, funnier, etc. But I'm on my way...growing stronger each day...all by staying gentle with myself en constantly feeling and setting boundaries. It's a long long long way...but I'm proud of where I come from and where I am right now ❤
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
This is *my* prison. This feeling you describe is so strong in me that I even didn't thought about that much.
I started to talk to the guards that keep me in shame and change them to protect me, as they should. They are allowed to keep me in check an warn me if "limbic-shadow-wolf" is trying to take all control again, but even he is more calm since he is allowed to be part of me and is more heard.
I'll try now to follow your advice and find *one* person, which seems so hard, but there is a little spark on again. A couple of days ago it felt like a door opened in my chest. And somewhere i read a quote *"if life closes a door .... open it again, that is how doors work"*
One quick tip, if I may, in exchange for all your help:
Maybe turn the mic a little more upward and talk over it instead of kind into it. So you can reduce a little more the popping sounds and the overshooting of the audio level. Worth a try. Of course it depends on the characteristic of the mic. Audio is also a complex topic.
You trying to give him shame about this? The irony is so huge
@@Clevelandsteamer324 Who do you mean?
I'm blown away by your method of explaining these issues! It's eclipsing years of therapy and giving me some hope. Thank you so much 😊
I'm feeling so called out right now
This is the most thorough overview, I have ever heard.
I used to have the desire to belong. But when I realized I was trying to impress the wrong people then I was awake to who I am and what I want. I don't want to fit in with a crowd and I have extreme trauma from childhood if anything it taught me to be more choosy with who I allow in my life
@1:35 because of constant worry if we are enough . . . worry if we’ve done something to offend others . . .
As someone who is completely blind and on the autistic spectrum, I had unrealistic restrictions and rules put on me as a child and as a teenager. I wasn’t allowed to touch and explore everything around me. I was taught to keep my hands to myself because “touching and exploring everything is socially awkward, and it’s not what sighted people do.” I wasn’t allowed to cry or get mad or have meltdowns. I wasn’t allowed to run into things. I wasn’t allowed to use sensory items. The list goes on. I’ve masked touching everything and crying for awhile now, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep silencing and restricting myself. I mean, touching everything is my way of expressing curiosity, even if I’m touching every single thing in public. Crying is a way of expressing many forms of emotions. Being through this plus many forms of abuse caused me CPTSD. Each day, I do what I can to heal my trauma, and be my true authentic self, and not mask my blind isms and my CPTSD.
@@siennaprice1351 - hugs and love.
Clearly you are an amazing person Sienna. I hope you do get to experience all the support and validation you have always deserved. My heart aches to know what you have had to suffer and endure. Your strength, courage, wisdom and self-compassion are such wonderful attributes. All the best always.
I don't know for sure but I believe the autism is a result of trauma as well as the other labels they put on it ,bpd ,did ,ADHD you know the ever popular therapy labels ! TRAUMA!
Childhood developmental Traumas!
I'm crying reading your post. Starting your life with a horrible disability is hard enough and then not having the support you needed to thrive in your situation really sucks. I'm praying for you and that you find peace. God bless you.
@@beatrixbrennan1545 I don’t look at my blindness as a horrible disability, nor do I look at my autism as that either. I think CPTSD is the horrible mental illness that I despise so damn much.
You have pretty much described my whole life.
Mine too !
Mine too !
Mine too !
I want out of this hell-hole; I've never been allowed to be authentic. Finding a tribe seems impossible
So sorry
Here’s a question for people out there:
Who here has healed from trauma or made significant improvements? I’d be curious how they have achieved it and how it has changed their lives.
The reason why I am asking is this: I see all these great videos about trauma and why people are the way they are. It helps me understand why I am how I am. But when it comes to concrete strategies to heal there is not much out there - most material around trauma is about how it happens and what it does.
Hi... I have had trauma (diagnosed with cptsd) that has stunted me... I found a wonderful christian therapist and have gone through emdr... would highly recommend... I feel a significance difference... still feel slightly stuck but still have alot of work to do
I have to deal with heavy trauma in childhood. Iam very very thankful for this videos and also some others. It is so much help in getting understanding. But from my experience, there is also a spiritual reality behind trauma. And I found out to deal with it solely with psychological strategies and in my own strength, can not address that issue. Some month ago I came across a fine Christian group for inner healing and deliverance. Jesus Christ can free us and heal us, and deal with things we can not. In christian deliverance are very effective strategies. But as with all things its important to find a good and solid place.
Read the book, "the body keeps the score", it explains how you can heal yourself through your body (which has stored the trauma and causes the physical reactions that make us feel the way we do). That and yoga have helped for me and trying to be my authentic self (not always people pleasing, but trying to listen to my own wants and needs more often). I also take (herbal) medicine for anxiety if I have something challening ahead or feel horrible amounts of shame. Also journaling, writing down all the worries and the lange amounts of shame helps reduce them. These are the things that have worked for me (along with accepting that while I am not where other people are in life I am WAY ahead of where I used to be, and since that is all I can do I stopped beating myself up for being "different").
I agree with you, that many of these videos only explain WHY these things happen, but they hardly ever give any advice or help on what to do about it. Fortunately this channeI seems to be different.
Christ alone can set you free and you can be free indeed from shame. The thing that made lasting change for me was confessing the things that brought me shame to another believer, she was 84 years old and a stranger to me, but after confessing my shame, I never felt shame over that again. Last year I chose to go on a carnivore diet and within 2 weeks my emotional heath noticeably improved. I wish you peace.
The answer is jesus christ. God made us. Only He can fix us in the end. Thats been the key for my healing journey
Jeff Young. Reinventing your life. The source of this material. Great stuff
❤
@lindsay5305 right ❤
We all should have a Tim in our life 🙏 we feel less alone
I really believed for a very long time that I was self sufficient and blessed with lesser needs 🤷🏻♀️😅
Thank you for teaching and helping me and others ❤
I’ve learned more in this video than YEARS of therapy! Thank you for this post! Now subscribed
I don’t recommend “religious groups” as a means of connection…at least not right away. You can certainly practice your faith without being sucked into the “group” right away. While the idea is that there is a common interest there, oftentimes you will discover the commonality is actually “deep-rooted unresolved trauma“ as opposed to “we all love ourselves & each other”. These spaces are packed with individuals wearing masks (women especially). You will find yourself hurt if you haven’t established your own awareness around triggers as well as developed healthy emotional/behavioral regulation practices.
Wow! This just cleared up a lot of things about my childhood. I’m 68 years old and Tim just got to the root of it all for me. THANKS SO MUCH!
Good for you! ❤
If you keep going back to the toxic family it literally is like reopening a wound & you can come close to losing your mind the more you keep trying to reconnect. What disgusted me about my family was things seemed worse after a sibling had passed & I naively thought it would bring people closer
This video is gold.
Right now i feel content that i do not fit into this toxic world. Over the past decade, i have been praying and doing my own thing. I was never a joiner of bandwagons, in fact i would purposefully avoid them. If there was a blessing in all of this childhood trauma, this is one for me. I have found a way to better understand my parents and these videos of Tim's are helping me go to the next steps. I am still processing the emotional pain but its considerably less. The anger is being transformed. Feeling more blessed than slighted at the present time. Mom is 80 years old and we have a decent relationship for the most part. Dad passed away many years ago and nothing was resolved between us. Maybe it wasnt supposed to be. Praying that all of you here find peace and understanding in your journey. Take the time and dont rush. Some things cant be rushed. God bless.
100% on another one of Tim’s quizzes. Great…😅
100 % club ⭐️😅
@@mercurialgirl yes! What a Friday night!
@mercuriagirl yh me too...😢
I’m so glad I found this video after following a link from your talk on Devaluing and Discarding Phases of Codependency. Both shook me to my core. I have a lot of self reflection and learning to do. 🙏🏽
This has been my problem my whole life. Thanks; well described
OUTSTANDING! Thank you!!!🙏 ❤
I have never felt like I belonged anywhere ever. Not even in my own family. When I was a victim of SA at the age of 4, a wall went down between me and the world, and cut me off from both the world and myself. I retreated into the world of the mind. Plus I was an unplanned and unwanted child that the rest of the family resented for even existing. So I was always isolated from them and given the very clear message that I should not exist, so the best thing I could do was try my best to fade into the woodwork and not remind people I was alive. I did my best. And then, there was the fact that I never went to kindergarten. So I was already behind my fellow students socially on my first day of Grade 1. Not long after that, I fell to the bottom of the pecking order and became the school pariah and got bullied and had no friends.
I have lived my life extremely alone in all ways at all times.
I have very good friends now but there's only so close they can get to me and I to them.
Because I have never been all that close to anybody.
This was an incredibly relatable video. The suffering is so painful but, it is comforting to know that you're not alone and that others do know what this experience is like.
I'm so grateful for Tim Fletcher's knowledge ❤
I’m definitely one of these people. It’s forced me to work on myself instead of spending time with others. But the benefit is that I’m not restricted by what others think. I can read, speak and spend my time here exactly the way I want, learning all the spiritual lessons I need to learn without being ridiculed. 👍🏻
Because I was told for most of my life that I was worthless and I never should have been born or that I should have been grateful for being abused.
Tim, I love the clarity and simplicity of your explanations. Thank you. ❤
What is the definition of "connect?" What does that mean? And where are these "safe" people who are going to want to know us? I haven't met any yet.
Yes. Same things I was thinking.
Adult children of alcoholic or other dysfunctional family systems aka , ACA or ACOA plenty of resources online you can find some of these people your looking for big secret you can do the work yourself !
Thank you. I am definitely healing this shame, after I leave this house, for the umpteenth time.
Thanks for this presentation. Have been waiting my whole life (I'm 59) for someone to clearly explain all this.
For me it started with a traumatic experience when I was 3 yrs old.
After that incident I didn’t feel safe and attached to my mom to the extreme. Fear of abandonment.
This fear stayed and is still present.
I’ve worn masks all my life, I’ve learned to read individuals and groups, knowing what would make me fit in. And it always worked. I was never rejected but I never made a connection. I had an extremely lonely childhood and was a lonely teenager.
To this day I wear masks when I’m in social situations. The only place where I can truly be who I am is when I’m with my direct family and with my boyfriend.
I’ve never been able to take off the mask and still have the feeling that I don’t belong.
Thank you
Wow. Feels like he’s talking about my life 🥹
You described my childhood so well, and when a man came around that gave me "what I was longing for" I fell for it, but have realized he is a narcissist, in Christianity divorce is so frowned upon. But through my healing process I have learned I am not being authentic to myself in this relationship, trying to re-learn who I am.
I have given up fitting in. I’m spending time getting to know and love myself instead.
YES!
it's not shame, it's realization of reality, a lot of people don't accept others for who they are, it's reality, it's what it is
Introverts are the strongest 💪
Thank you so much for the clear and insightful information you share. It has had a profound impact on me as I navigate this complex journey of healing from C-PTSD. Your guidance means so much.
I am very grateful to you for making this video. It clarified so much of my past and present.
Wow just when I thought id heard the best then I listen to this man and he is so meek and well educated I am so thankful! I had no idea as to why things happen in my life going way back thank u I am listening to every single talk u give ❤❤❤❤
I am 50 , recently diagnosed and am realizing I do not have time to recover. Life is impossible and unbearable.
Hang in there fellow traveler. You are not alone now. We feel your pain. Keep coming back. I know it's hard. I feel it's unbearable too. 😢
Same.😢
Same age and also feel the same way. But I truly believe now that we have become aware at least we aren’t headed in the wrong direction anymore. Not lost and confounded! We’re in this together. Let’s heal in whatever time we have left. I’m trying my best 😢.
There’s always time to make your life better than it is currently.
This is the best, most in depth explanation I have ever heard. I finally feel understood and liberated from all the tortuous self doubt I've lived with. At least now I can see a way forward. Thank you so much! ❤️
Wow excellent
I have not been accepted anywhere and around any group, even with my faith as a Christian. It hurts when ex have pushed you further into shame by not accepting you in fact being cruel and abusive. At 32, I’m completely alone with no one and nobody to care.
If I died no one will know for at least a month or more only because I wouldn’t have paid rent. Then they wouldn’t find anyone to report my death to. I will die alone and with no one to know that I did. Honestly I’m ok with this, I’m just tired of trying hard and it’s just not working for me
I'm 65, have been a very committed Christian since I was a teenager, never married, have no family. At this point you look ahead. Have decided not to have a funeral. What's the point?
You were able to help me break through a complete block I was struggling with. The information points people to ways that are positive for themselves and others. Thank you.
Excellent teaching and I do see myself in some of the descriptions. I will have to listen to it again to get more out of it.
Thank you so much for this!
I too am an INFJ.. and suffered physical, mental and emotional abuse. I understand
With this I realize how far I've made it. I'm not a prisoner of myself anymore. I don't try to fit in. I still look for authentic ppl but I don't feel need to fit in. People either like me for who I am or they don't. I'm glad I came across this video.
Rejection, rejection, rejection! We all end up alone!!!! 🙏🙏🏾🙏
It's hard to find a "safe" person out there that I would comfortable being vulnerable with. This has resulted in rejection in the past. I will follow your advice and try again. Thank you
I constantly deel like this- And have felt like this all my life... My family is dysfunctional to the nth degree.... Lots and lots of abuse, lack of boundaries, lack of physical safety itself since I was four... I'm always trying to find a group or something where I feel like I'm part of a family
I'm so grateful for this video,i've struggled with this my whole life and still learning to heal it,thank you❤
In spiritual warfare we call this " the spirit of rejection" you can cast it out through forgiveness ❤
That’s was deep. I felt like you could read my mind. Thank you. It felt like a therapy session.
I’m so tired. I put so much energy into feeling like fitting in and creating a group that makes me feel safe and it almost worked out! But then some new ppl came into the group and it immediately made me react badly over time. And now I’m back to being alone.
Also ps, the healing list goes all the way to the letter r? 😅😭 there’s so much to do and will it even help us heal for good or will we always be in a battle?
Truth hurts at first but is so healing when you look back. Be you and dont try to fit into the world it hurts far more than anyones anyone's judgement or opinion
Wow! Thanks Tim. Best video yet. So helpful! I’m 50 years old and just realizing this. God bless you sir!
Your right and I am 90. He just described my whole life Conceived out rape. rejected by both presents BUT I Have serviced with the whole world against me There is a new world coming
I like not fitting in. It’s a comfortable place for me. I enjoy solitude and don’t try anymore because it feels wrong.
I'm just cherry picking your content at the present time, but DAMN it speaks to me and my situation!! Thank you so much for putting this content out there. I am grateful for the insights I am receiving. God Bless
Oh my gosh. I have ALWAYS felt like there was something wrong with me. Only accepted if I’m perfect, skinny, popular, performing or achieving. With men, it’s only physical. 😞
We’re not “trying” , Sis. We’re doing the thing!
When I was 11, I went to the Shriners hospital for children, and was fitted with a rather large, bulky back brace(instead of surgery). It fit under my shirts, but a metal bar stuck out on my chest enough it was noticable. I was in band, so I was a nerd too. So I only had a couple friends, but none were all that close friends. I never had a date until far after school (20). And the relationships I've had over the years were terrible. 12 years ago I ended up with a son out of one relationship. His mom had legal issues (drugs) so I got custody. He has been the only reason for me to do anything.
Unfortunately 2 years ago she went missing. Presumably dead. Local crack heads were acting weird around the time of her disappearance, but no proof of anything. Mixed feelings about it. angry, sad, depressed, but also a sense of relief (she won't show up methed out in the middle of the night)....
But I haven't been talking to anyone about anything. I don't want to put my mask on. I'm a mechanic, I can fix anything, but I cannot fix myself.
I have never come across anything that so closely describes my inner world. I feel a little less alone today.
Relationships are needed for healing? I don't think this is true for all people. I'm almost 50 and have zero true friends. I've always been an an introvert and this world simply is not for outsiders. Once I learned to stop trying to conform and fit in groups my life became so much easier. I also learned the true meaning of self love.