I Give Unsolicited Advice (How Do I Stop?)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 24 ก.ย. 2024
- I Give Unsolicited Advice (How Do I Stop?)
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I’ll never forget the time I was asked by a coworker “do you know you don’t let people talk?” I was around 20 years old and got defensive but as I got older I realized it’s true and I couldn’t believe no one had told me! Sometimes all you need is some maturity and someone to tell you to your face. Thanks Daniel! 😂
Thank you for telling my face. With sensitivity and love ❤I hear this 💕 thank you for sharing!
Ouch! It Hurts to be told that so bluntly and to the face but sometimes that's what we need. My brother recently told me I interuppt a lot and It hurt my feelings to hear that but I realized I really do if I'm excited about the convo and want to say smthng b4 I forget. I've worked on it and I feel like everytime I want to interrupt, I remember what my brother said. Truth hurts😂
Do you remember what you were thinking/feeling when you were doing all of the talking?
Yup, been there! Glad I fixed it!
Because like you said: You get defensive!
My husband always tells me: Let me finish. You will never guess where Im going from here. hehe Whether I do or dont, I know is super annoying to be interrupted bcs my bro does it to me 😂
She’s clearly a good friend. She recognizes her flaw and wants to fix it.
I agree!
I have ADHD and I interrupt constantly when I don't mean to. So I ask people to just tell me Im interrupting. I won't get offended. I actually really appreciate it.
Adhd too but I do realise after I interrupted 😅😅😅
Adhd here as well, I am very self-conscious about this!
ADHD here too and I’ve gotten so much better about it in the last 8 years. My partner also has ADHD and when I met him 8 years ago I realized how much I interrupted because he does it too and it was driving me nuts when I was on the other end of it lol
We’ve both almost completely stopped doing it now. And if I do interrupt now I immediately realize I did it so I can apologize, which I didn’t used to. So there is light at the end of the tunnel, even with ADHD.
Same
I don’t have ADHD and I do that. I think it’s from being raised in a family that takes a comment that should be summed up in two sentences and drags it into a story that lasts fooooor eeeevvveeeerrrrr.
I started telling myself don't give unsolicited advice or answer a question that has not been posed to you. I used to do that because I was thinking these people don't know and I'm going to enlighten them. I realized how arrogant it was when someone gave me unsolicited advice that I already knew.
I often say “I have information on that if you are interested I’m happy to share” that puts the ball in their court to inquire if they decide to do so
Do you get offended if they refuse?@@strawberryme08
Actually. The more quiet I got and the better listener I became, the more people opened up, and I REALLY was privy to a lot of their introspection. Amazing.
That’s the irony! The moment I shut up, everyone wanted my opinion on things! It’s fascinating!
Exactly
When I was a teen I wouldn't really speak much in school. I had been bullied so bad I was afraid to. Since I was so quiet though some people decided they could tell me things and they just felt that I wouldn't talk to anyone else. I had other kids I barely even knew sit down next to me and start telling me their fears and traumas. A lot of them started calling me their "school mom."
Yes!
My mom, who talks a lot about herself, and most things are comparative and self referential…when she talked with my sister-in-law, who said barely anything, she later said how interesting my sister in law was, despite hardly listening herself!
It shows the crazy projections, mental feats, our brains do…
We all want to feel heard, seen, understood, and sometimes we are like desperate little children. When someone listens to so much, we sometimes don’t see that we were so self focused, egocentric, we just feel good…and don’t realize we were a conversation hog.
I have one friend who always says, “are you looking to vent or are you looking for advice?” When I complain. I always appreciated that because I hate unsolicited advice.
You should double check that they aren't hinting that you vent A LOT. Not saying for sure you are, but make sure it's not a hint.
I do the same with my friends. The only reason why I ask is for two reasons. One is because there are times when people just need to have someone to listen to. Two ,I don't want to give advice without stepping emotional boundaries. I have been told that im very matter of fact tone 😂. I just mainly ask out of respect 🙏
I will be asking that question👍🏼
No, I hardly ever talk to him. He just has a high social IQ. @@Sven_Golly
I've always felt like if someone just begins dumping their issues on you without asking first if they can vent, then you are totally in your right to offer solutions to help them fix the issue. It's just as rude to expect someone to hold space for your problems and issues without first asking if they are up for that.
You’re right, but asking them if they want your advice or just need to vent not only gives you permission but ALSO might bring some awareness and intention to their dumping. If they are perceptive, as John says. Dont be afraid to ask a dumper to think before they dump. Maybe they picked you because everyone else avoids them but never told them why?!
@@jilewa I like this, you make a good point. You never know when just listening could be the difference someone needs in feeling seen and heard. I suppose the important thing is being aware enough to recognize when it begins pushing your boundaries and finding a polite way to end it.
I had to literally tell someone I love “I find what works well for me is to wait to offer advice until it’s asked for. Otherwise you’re just judging and telling”
YES
I've always wanted to be there for others and find myself giving advice. I think it's out of just being compassionate and trying to help people grow. Many people aren't very self aware. I too have had to stop giving advice. Just love them wherever they are, even if it means you have to let them go.
I found that tucking my hands beneath me if I was sitting or behind me if I was standing, helped remind me to LISTEN and not speak.
Works very well for me.
because we talk with our hands!
If my friends offer unsolicited advice, I assume it comes from a good place, showing their care and genuine desire to help me. Even if I'm already familiar with their suggestions, it doesn't hurt to be humble and accept their advice with an open heart. Reading the comments here, I begin to understand why people in the West often end up feeling isolated and they are dying alone.
Exactly!
Then you don't understand the real problem, you've probably never been in that kind of relationship, and I say this as a Muslim living in Africa
@@boredshrimp9425 It's okay if you want to make assumptions about me, I don't mind. I simply share what I've experienced in my own life, and that's how I will respond to the given situation. Fortunately, I've never had problems with my friends over unsolicited advice in my 37 years of life. However, I understand that others may have different ways of responding to similar situations-it's their life and their decision.
“Just shut your mouth, just shut your mouth, just shut your mouth.” Thank you John for sharing this lesson with all of us! The lesson being: talk less, listen more. I had a meeting with a yoga teacher of mine when I was 29. Her and I weren’t that close, only knew her for a couple of months or so. And she still was brave and bold enough to be the first person to say to my face, “Mia- talk LESS, listen MORE.” I will never, ever forget that moment. I am now the last person to speak in any social setting. It also protects me as well because it allows me plenty of time to ‘read the room’ and see what people are like before I open my mouth.
I had this problem, but that was because people would complain to me too much. You are there to listen, not to problem solve. Just know that and it seems to fix the issue.
I’m a dude. But who ever married this man is lucky as hell
TOTALLY. I'm jealous of his wife. He's smart, cute, cool, and emotionally intelligent.
100%
Sometimes it's hard to not help, even with practical things.
Your friends need to understand when they tell personal stories, they open themselves up for suggestions to fix a problem, gossip, and many other interactions. You can ask if they are telling the story to vent or to find a fix. If you have friendships based on venting vs shared enrichment, it is time for distance and replacements. You have more to offer your relationships than parenting others. It is very freeing to find and engage in conversations and activities that are not personal development. You make choices as to what enters your life. Build friendships on shared interests and activities not personal stresses. Connect people with others. Who do you want to be?
It depends on the situation. Sometimes you are just looking to vent. If someone is always giving you advice on a regular basis, it comes off as if they think they’re so much smarter than you. I say this as a former advice giver. I still have to restrain myself with my spouse lol
Mad props to her for realizing it tho. 👏
I agree! She sounds incredibly self aware and kind. That's a good friend.
I'm 52 and struggling with the same issues. I need to listen. I need to stop offering advice. Thank you for reminder
Hmm me too. Its been a big problem for me for a long time....And still I find it very hard to just shut it.
What a lovely friend! I had a friend who non-stop gave unsolicited advice, so much so, it got to the point where it was just constant insults to everyone and people started to not want to be around her anymore. She 's never been self aware like this lovely caller is. I had to finally cut that friend out, and am actually so glad that I did.
I have a friend like that and soon I will be ending my friendship....*long time buddy but her opinions are just annoying me.
The biggest gift I can give people is to not show up. Or to leave early. I’ve realized a little of me goes a long way. I have “KYMS” tattooed on the back of my hand. It is there to remind me to Keep Your Mouth Shut.
You know when you resonate with something so simple, yet so powerful. It’s time to quiet down and begin listening.
Also, people will reveal so much when you’re quiet!
This is my same problem right now. Good call for sure! I've been consciously saying less. Most people (including me) know what our problems are and when we talk to others we are looking for empathy, not advice.
I am the youngest in a very large family. During family gatherings half of my sisters give me unsolicited life advice. I just stay quiet, smile and nod. Not sure if it's a woman thing loving to give advice like a mom or they still view me as the baby in the family thus giving me advice. I'm in my late 40's, happy, and pretty successful and experienced with smart healthy kids.
Me too 😂 except I am the youngest girl. They don't listen to me. The minute I try to speak, BAM it's turned back to them.. ridiculous and now they wonder why I am so distant, so quiet dont have the energy to be around them. I told myself enough! I have watched and listened to them for years and learned a lot and its rather humorous how little they do know. My husband's also from a rather large family, double mine and he too has been able to watch, listen and learn. We have a few kids of our own and it's so humbling to see traits come out in your own children that remind you of your own siblings and I have the hardest time finding patience to love them through this, I know what it did to me and don't want my others to struggle like I did until I finally realized, we dont get to choose our family, but our friends yes. I tell them: God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason.😅
@@tool-nh8mk OMG, I can relate to your comment soooo much. I have 3 older brothers and 8 older sisters(5 girls in a row were born then me). Most of my sisters are very strong minded, confident, whatever you want to call it. (Grew up seeing them argue and physically fight as teens). I am a pretty quiet introvert even with my family. I believe I am a good observer and I learn from my mistakes and especially others such as my sister! So I think I have a pretty good grasp of life through my observations. I keep my life pretty private and I am not on social media, so that actually helps that they don't know too much about my situation besides what I tell them. Not that I do not love my siblings but this is probably the best method to avoid potential drama or misunderstanding. Weddings or once a year gatherings is enough for me. My wife does not have any issues with anyone and after a day or two she now can understand why I keep my safe distance.
If you are getting unsolicited life advice, ask yourself what has been coming out of your mouth and who are you saying it to. Ask yourself what curated or noncurated image are you projecting visually when you show up. Busy bodies are drawn to a project like flies to dead meat. Are you acting and being a lost soul? Do you have engaging conversation to contribute to the group setting or are you a good listening participant. We all need better group social skills. Families really don't instruct youth in these skills any more. Even our language skills or lack there of broadcast our comfort levels, social development and so much more. If you get unsolicited personal advice, take a quick personal assessment. You posted this complaint so you opened yourself up. How you phrase what you say makes a big difference to you and others.
I know when I find myself lecturing my youngers it is because I want them to avoid the pain I have been through. See it as them wishing the best for you, but at the end of the day it is more about them than you.
Its so interesting reading all your different ways of being in conversations 😊
I am mostly the quiet observer my dad is, and relate to John’s approach, the older I get. What I find so hard is being cut off, spoken for and spoken over in groups. Sometimes it brings me close to tears. I dont speak up unless I have something I really want to say. I wonder if I need to take voice coaching to learn how to speak up?! I dont want to yell 😮
i REALLY struggled with the 'you should'! even trying to REMOVE this phrase from my conversations was HARD. my sneaky brain would do 'work arounds' by saying "you know what might help" or "have you tried...". i REALLY think Doctor John's advice to just SHUT UP for a while is the ONLY thing that helps. (i am still INSIDE thinking "You Should" 😱)
I'm trying to not let "You Should" fall from my mouth 😮 really trying 😊
I really appreciate that you started this conversation with the fact that some friendships disintigrate when you just can't listen to someone rehash the same problems over again for the 15th year in a row. I've had friendships before for years and years that slowly turned from a mutual friendship into me being her therapist about the same stupid relationship problems over and over again. Unfortunately I didn't handle it well, and basically ghosted her immediately after her boyfeiend dumped her (for the 20th time). I called her up a month later and apologized, and basically told her that I'm sorry I wasn't there for her, but I couldn't handle the emotional labor of carrying her through the same emotional hurricane for the 20th time when she never ever changes her behavior to fix the problem. It felt like she was always getting back together with him because she knew they'd break up 3 months later and she'd get another high of everyone in her life dropping everything to lick her wounds with her. I said "I live you, I still want to be your friend, but that's not something I'll do for you anymore". 5 years later we are still great friends, not as close, but we at least have this boundry to keep things healthier.
You are spending too much time focusing on what other people are doing not your own behavior
Disagree. Sometimes kids grow up just families where love is conditional and attention is scarce. These kids learn that simply BEING is not enough. That love has to be earned through what you do for others, and attention has to be won.
So your relationships become this performance where you’re trying your show that you are worthy enough, good enough to deserve their love and attention.
That’s what I hear coming from her. That she’s been trying to prove to people that she’s worth caring about by trying to solve all their problems…and she’s starting to wake up to the fact that she’s doing it…and how embarrassing if is to be doing….
…and how annoying it is to be on the receiving end of.
You just have to stop….and just BE. The people who care about you do so in spite of all that other stuff….
…and you will never be able to do enough or have enough to win over those who don’t. The more you do, the more they’ll demand and the less they will appreciate it. Let them move on.
For everyone else? They just want to know that they are seen…they are heard…and feel like they matter. That’s all. That’s enough.
@@kellygreeniiGetting to hear other people's perspectives and ideas is a very constructive and even creative thing. Both talking and listening are gifts. Selfevidently. It is not wrong that you write a long comment full of your opinions, they are food for thought for those who want to read the comment, contributions to the thread. Reading is 100% voluntary. Thank you for caring, Kelly!
I hear this. Thank you for it! ❤
@@brightpage1020Excellent example response to that unsolicited piece of advice, if you are too shy to give your honest opinion! 😀
@PS_00700 That's really good unsolicited advice, all have to be perfect first before anything can be improved - and let's have no talking about it. Let the lobster talk about it and tell the truths! And as everything is somebody else's responsibility, and you need to be a mind-reader because you must first of all think about what could be offensive to somone, who is too sensitive to speak up and tell what they like or not. 🎗
I learnt the acronymn W.A.I. T. Why am I talking? This helped me to shut myself up and develop better social relationships.
Love that acronym! Thank you for sharing W.A.I.T.
Oooo can I use this please 😊
This is very clever, and something I need to implement.
@@SatipatthanaSakuraDragona Omg! It works 💯. Goodluck.
Love that!! ❤️
I’ve started asking “Are you venting or looking for a solution” I’ve also been practicing to not offer unwarranted/unsolicited suggestions unless I’m asked. If what they’re going through has not been my experience, I say that & don’t spew what I think would be helpful to them. It’s called humility.
I actually respond well to advice from close friends/family, even if I don't think it will work, I'm open to hearing perspectives I might not have thought of. So it's hard for me to wrap my brain around that other people don't like a different perspective/advice as well, without taking it offensively :s luckily I'm married to someone who is like me in this way. Our communication is always fantastic and it just seems to simplify everything 🤷♀️ because worst case, we can just explain why we don't think that perspective/advice is valid for our situation. Best case: it leaves us something to ponder over that might solve our problem.
Idk I think a lot of the time people already know what the problem is but they just kinda need to get it off their chest. Also to have their emotions validated. I mean I talk to myself all the time to work through my own problems 😊
I don't think it's about not being open to other perspectives. It's when you can't talk with a person at all without them cutting you off, shutting you up, and rip roaring into everything you did manage to say because they are the answer person. The one that always has all the answers.
That seems to be what the caller is saying is that she just can't stop herself ever and is to the point of being an annoyance rather than a friend on equal footing.
I have some loved ones that are like that. It's exhausting. Always leaves me wondering what I did or said wrong that sent them careening down the rabbit hole and hijacked two hours of my day just because I thought we were exchanging news of what's going on in our boring lives.
@@tinahochstetler2189 ahhh that actually makes sense. Okay, yes. I certainly try not to cut anyone off, and it is definitely exhausting when you can tell the person isn't actually hearing you out - they are just waiting to get their word in.
she seems like such a fun person!
This is good advice for me, as a 31 year old that gets wrapped up in things a little too much. Thank you John
OMG-I thought I had the answer for every body’s problem and I told them so -I have annoying af and finally realized it I’m 56 and finally shutting my mouth thx u excellent question
My favorite compliment is being told I’m weird. When my kids were teenagers they would tell me I’m weird and I would profusely thank them. Their response was an eye roll and “See, that’s what I mean.” One of my grandchildren came home upset because someone called him weird and my daughter had him FaceTime me so I could tell him how great being weird is, that I always thank people who tell me I’m weird. He responded “I like that, pretend an insult is a compliment.” I said, “No, it IS a compliment.” Now I have at least 2 grandkids who thank people who say they are weird. Their mom who hated that as a teenager is now sandwiched between 2 generations of people who consider weird a compliment. At this point, she gets it. 😊
Thank you for your insights and humility. I came here after having a mini falling out with a friend of mine, whom I found to be extremely intrusive with unsolicited advice. I do appreciate that you recognized the downsides of it.
Note to self: An episode worth rewatching! Lots of insight. 🤗
Thank you!!! I loved this advice!!! Realized, it's time I shut up and just be present.✨️💫💛
She genuinely sounds like a good person, and that's where this is coming from. I was like her in my 30's. I stopped, and my relationships are better. I ask what the friend needs from me, and act accordingly. I'll set boundaries, if I feel like things are getting out of control on either end.
She's going to be fine ❤
I resonated with this lady so much. I want her as my friend.
She's great tbh. Hopefully she realizes that.
@@Veracityseeker7 I think she will. She seems like she has discovered that she might benefit from some self discovery healing and is on that journey.
I will note that I used to ask the: “either one is fine but do you want me to just listen or problem solve?” To a friend and she would always say problem solve and it took me too long to realize that she really meant listen.
By the time I did realize, I was burnt out from our interactions of her constantly complaining/blaming everything around her but not doing anything about it and me trying to offer advice of how to improve her life. It was also on my end of realizing she didn’t feel like she could say just listen and I had to take a break in our friendship to reset to really be able to listen and not fall back into old habits of suggesting things.
So even if someone says they want your advice, more likely they want more someone to listen to them in proportion to problem solving.
I'm fine if people give me advice. People can be so rigid and weird about sorts of things. Just let people be them and give advice or not. The good thing about being given advice is that you can choose to ignore it.
Boy is this something I struggle with and it isn’t new. It has been my style since Je. High and I’m 63 years old.
This is my favourite call!!
Lovely people and embracing your strange and being non-anxious and a better friend x ❤
Wow! Great conversation and encouragement ❤❤❤ “I’m worth being a friend with” resonated deep with me. God surround me with wise counsel 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Sometimes people just want to vent and aren’t looking for anyone to “solve” the issue. However, a friend who only reaches out when venting or constantly dumps the same issue on you like a broken record while not being interested in hearing your advice is also not being a good friend. Actually these friends will sometimes have you upset with other people by telling you what they did then next thing you know they will be hanging out with them all cool.
Oh, this is so me. I really need to fix this about myself. Thanks for the call Taylor, thanks for the advice Dr. John
I tell people "that really sucks, I'm sorry you're going through that".
That's my go to as well. People will ask for answers if they truly want change.
Oh mate, I am trying to stop being that person also. When I was young, I had my tribe and we were growing together. It was helpful and positive, and people liked it. Now that I'm older, It's different. People don't want that they are who they are, and I get it.
I’ve had friends and family members give me unsolicited advice and found it very annoying and didn’t want to hang out with them as much tbh…
This was good. I remember hearing a statement that went something like "a real friend let's a friend talk and not try an one up them with a better story" I have been try that for a long time. Listen and hear what they say and be interested in it not you.
That poor man, I can’t imagine all the fear & trauma he’s been carrying alone.
I’m tired of the drama. I need more fun. Starting over to find fun friends at 42 is hard but worth it.
Same here Jessica!!
Great topic...
I was that way when i first started my health journey that i needed to save everyone. Lol i also realize that giving unsolicited advice on my part was a function of my anxiety and codependency...i feel anxious when people tell me their problems like i need to fix them...like john said..i feel like thats what i have to offer ..very slippery slope but i want to try rhis tips as well and just stay silent vs having to relate to them immediately with a story of my own or give advice.
One issue is codependency.
If I struggle with this addiction or compulsion, then my blurry boundaries mean if you are not okay, then I don't feel okay. In that case, it is natural to want to fix "our" problems. I'll know something is wrong because I'll feel triggered listening.
Long-term, regular triggering creates an emotional freeze requiring some thawing, and a pause on exposure to problematic, shall we say, folks, I believe.
Gotta sharpen up those boundaries and stay on my own property and don't let other people come visit with trash bags of issues to dump out.
My trauma-impacted past means I am sensitive to dumpers, and somehow they sniff me out! But the more I focus on maintaining my own property, including a room devoted to making my inner child happy,* the more I am selective about who gets the welcome mat.
*this has been the key to healing, along with mandatory, real, felt, articulated and validated (by a therapist, support group, recovery program, church) self-compassion.
ADHD here, I needed this!
I don’t answer questions I’m not asked. That is so good John.
I went to a serious Liberal Arts college and learned that the first thing to do in a conversation and hear what is being said by the other person is to shut up .
Great advice, this woman sounds genuine, I can tell she hurts, but she knows what to do, Great advice here!!!!!!!
Oh no this one’s for me. Gee whiz. I best listen up. Sorry for anyone I annoyed! 💔 I will listen to how to stop in time ✋
I had to learn that when people talk to me about their problems, they don't want answers. Wow didn't know that but I figured it out. Just listen and hope they get out of their mess.
This one hit me. Im just like her and kohn always giving advice. Ive been working on it. But its hard not to gove advice when my friends come to me complaining.
I understand and empathize. I had some friends who were “ask holes”. They often complained about the same problems, actually asked for advice, and then did absolutely nothing to move forward or change. Rinse and repeat and repeat and repeat. I had to learn, the hard way, that those were relationships I had grown out of even though I still care about them as human beings. Growth is a wild ride.
On the opposite side, I ended a 20 year friendship last year when I discovered he was using drugs. Boundaries.
Well you’re a great friend 👀
Did the drugs impact the friendship? Did the drugs make him a bad person?? Alcohol is a drug, caffeine is a drug.. it’s all about perspective. 20 years, is a long time.
If someone asks for advice, give it even if unpopular!!
Regarding friendships and relationships. If you are going down the right path for you and someone else is going down a path that you think is wrong or is very different from you, then CUT IT OFF!
I laughed when I saw this title because the best piece of advice I ever got and I apply this to my life is:
NEVER THINK YOURSELF ABOVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE.
I have learned more from that than probably anything else in life.
The problem with people is that people think they know it all, and when someone says something TO you, that you never asked for, it can be life-changing...
How do you tell a friend they are giving unsolicited advice?
"I hear that you care and because you care you are trying to help me. I appreciate you caring, but I wasn't looking for advice here. I just want to vent and you're the person I feel safe venting to."
Such a great response!! Thank you!@@CCBBAA1
“I really appreciate your care and the time you are taking to share your concerned input, but I wonder if you’re so busy solving me that you can no longer feel me? It would help me more if you could just feel me, now. Thanks.”
Or: “How’s the air up there, Blowhard? I’m down here. Hi. 👋 - from one of the little people below your position 😂 🙃🤪😜.”
They be like “🧐”
I said S.T.F.U. They quit giving me advice and talking to me in general. Problem solved I guess.
“Hey, please stop giving unsolicited advice.”
What a great gift I got today!!!!! I keep telling myself WAIT!! Why Am I Talking! I heard/ read this somewhere and tried to implement it but I realize I need to imprint it in my head💞❣️
Here is one for you. I don't drink alcohol. If alcohol is a major part of your life, then we would not be friends!! We just don't jive.
If this example speaks to this caller, then use it.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 63, my life was horrible….as a woman, I am now embarrassed how I was acting my whole life. I withdrew, isolated, Covid was my best friend. I’m still isolating because I don’t know how to make friends at 68.
I’m on the other side. For everything that I say, my friend has to say something of how I can fix it, even though it’s not broken. Sometimes people just want to chat, there doesn’t need to be unsolicited advice all the time. It can be an innocent conversation and it made me feel like everything I was doing was wrong because “the way she would have handled or said” is completely different than mine. Like he said, it feels that they know everything and it can seem arrogant.
Props to Taylor for being self aware. And it also made me realize I need to let my friend know if I want her in my life!
I have more than one like that in my life. love them dearly. But it's exhausting.
And the one actually gets very upset when I'm not taking his advice for a nonexistent problem that I didn't ask for advice on and am not having a problem with.
What an awesome piece of *solicited* advice!
Omg that was me and my relationships. Still trying not to give unsolicited advice. It really helps you become less anxious. Believe God is the God for everyone
410K subs?!?!?!....Holy cow, the channel is BLOWING UP!!!....Congrats man!!
Now this is the video that has hit home with me this is me 100%
This lady needed to be told the same advice that men get told. "Do you want me to listen or do you want advice?" Simple as that. This lady didn't need to hear about Cub Scout Dad.
Be yourself and stop worrying about it.
My issue is I can't emotionally handle people dumping their feelings on me. I NEED to release that negative energy somehow, and finding solutions is how I do that. I WILL take on your negative emotions, it feels like a negative energy transfer to just vent with no feedback.
My compromise to myself and others is to ask them what they want upfront and let them know up front I'm not the best with venting but I'll try. If it's too much I will let them know. I have had people I barely know who dumps their emotions on me and I told them straight up it's overwhelming me and they never listen so I just tell them at that point to seek a profession and that I'm not one of them.
I'm around my FIL 3-4 days a week, and he gives unsolicited advice All. The. Time. I've got to where I can't vent or open up around him, because I'm tired of the constant lectures.
What great advice and a great question!
I am getting better at this. I wait for people to ask.
You can still ask people the odd thought-provoking question, without actually advising them though.
A question that makes the person think can be way more effective than giving advice, because the person finds the solution themselves.
It's also not a bad idea to point out patters to friends who find themselves in the same kind of situation, over and over again.
⭐ If you speak a lot, Is fine, that's how you are. If you figure out people don't like that about you, just don't socialize with those people. Maybe you are more competitive than those.
Idk why this is a problem. If someone wanted to help me or warn me about something, I would gladly appreciate it. But hey everyone likes different things so I respect that.
Einstein said it you will only have a very few friends in your life as these people are meant to come and go and you learn and move on. I am 52yrs old and can say I only have 3 true friends I can count on and they can count on me too. But everyone else is just a part of your life’s journey….
Well if this isn’t hitting me on the face like a truck… I don’t know what is. Trying to help someone who is not asking me for help was led me to many miserable moments. And I do it hoping someone will care for me enough to help me when I’m not seeing it
I’m on the spectrum (high functioning). Apparently, this is a problem we all have
I have a friend like this who i adore to death but sometimes i hesitate to share anything about my life situations to her. She is "so helpful" that it pains me. Coming from someone who is nearing her 30s while this friend is barely 21, i sometimes feel like she thinks she knows better than me via what she has read rather than what she has actually experienced. And this is a given, i hope no one draws conclusions or solutions to others issues without being asked to especially if they don't fully understand or know exactly WHAT they are going through... 😂
I have a problem using “you” when I’m not talking specifically about the person I’m currently speaking with. I am not trying to give advice but just trying to have general ideological conversations. For example I’ll say “sometimes you just have to get through it”. I don’t mean that YOU specifically need to do those things and I suppose it’s more of me having an internal dialogue externally. I recognize this as an issue and I’m working on it.
Thank you for this.
All unsolicited advice = criticism. Insert a roadblock by asking "Are you open to feedback about X?" if they say "yes", proceed. If they say "no", then you change the subject and it's on you to deal with changing the way you think about it.
I think whay John said about asking what they want from from you advice or to vent is quite apt...
The only thing I can say about unsolicited advice is that a lot of the times when i have gotten it the person giving the advice didn't understand the scope of the problem....
One time in particular comes to mind is... when i was in my late 20s i was catching up with someone I had used to be close with but we had drifted apart. When work came up he just suggests in a blasé tone just to quit he was sure my parents could help me.... but he didn't know since we stopped talking i had been diagnosed with 2 autoimmune diseases one of the medications i am on literally cost 2.5 grand a month and I wasn't sure i could just quit and still be covered for my meds
I have friend who has so much advice to give that I don’t even get to finish my comment. Often she interrupts to give advice about something I'm not even talking about. I love her a lot so I just ignore it. Maybe I would be doing her a favor if told her.
Looking for a therapist - adding to checklist: therapist who sings the answers 🤣🤣🤣🤣 love it
LOL. This is my former friend right here (except without the repeated problems, it was just at any point she could fit in advice)…and she lives in…Alberta Canada 😂 But seriously, constantly analyzing other people’s behaviour is a sure fire way to be a pain in the ass. But she seems to be very self aware and willing to reflect so good for her!
I thought this was a confession by our Dr. Delony, here.
I have to remember to talk to ppl and reach out. I’ve had a few ppl over my lifetime think I was a mute. 😳
The "do you want to rant or do you want a solution?"
Sometimes I talk too much on purpose so that people leave me the hell alone. Only sometimes tho
I definitely could use this one!
Unsolicited advice is criticism
It is very easy. Remind yourself that you have nothing worthwhile to offer the world and realize you can't be trusted. Nothing that comes out of a person who has this need to violate others with unsolicited advice is worth anything or wanted, and such a person can't be trusted in any matter. So, realize that everything that is automatic or feels good is bad. So you have to learn to bend over backward to stop being an a-hole.