You only control yourself. What you see is what you get. Nagging him to care about his health is not going to make him change. Cut your losses if you cannot handle the behaviors. If triple bypass didn't wake him up, you won't make a dent. Men don't like ultimatums either.
I’ve been with someone like this! You become their mother and they do not change. SO GLAD I LEFT!! I left for many reasons but this was one of the main ones. He had the same “won’t take charge” behavior in every area of our lives. I feel for her, it’s hard to leave but very doable. She deserves better.
And his nurse, psychologist, chef, personal trainer, cheerleader, and emotional tampon. It’s exhausting and too much for once person. When ppl gain that much weight they’re usually chronically depressed.
Been there done that. Walk away NOW. It only gets worse. It will devastate you and your children in ways you can't see right now. Don't walk away. RUN!!!
He’s not in a relationship to become the best version of himself and to be a great husband. He’s in a relationship so you can be his mother. Him being an obese diabetic and loosing interest on dates is only the tipping point there are multi millionaires who are in great shape and behave the exact same way.
I relate to this so much because I’m the guy in this scenario! Im working on it, and it’s just as hard as fighting any other addiction/mindset change. The last thing I would want to do is drag anyone else along while I figure my stuff out. This guy is obviously not in a healthy place in life, and as hard as it will be for this woman, she is definitely making the right decision! ❤
I don't know if you have found him on TH-cam yet but there is a guy named Dr Mike, his channel is called Renaissance Periodisation. He is educated in health and fitness (not sure his degrees) he looks like a meat head but is a sweetheart. As long as you can show yourself compassion and have patience you will be successful in your health goals
This is so sad. He’s committing slow suicide and wants a companion along for the ride so he won’t die alone. I hope he can get the help he needs, but it won’t be through marrying someone in a completely different place in life. You will move on, and your kids will move on, honey. The disappointment won’t compare to the heartbreak of watching this man slowly die.
Crazy when a woman is obese and a man says this everyone in the comments is calling him a bad husband and saying he needs to lead by example. This channel is a joke.
He deserves better than this terrorist who wants to change this man from who he is. If you don’t love him enough to stay then leave. But don’t make it his problem. It’s yours
I am further down the road. Dr. D, you are so unbelievably bang on. I have the utmost respect for such a difficult call your guest made. Reaching out to you helped many of us, for that I am certain. Thank you both for your grace and honesty. Good parents, both of you. What a gift. ❤
*It’s safe to say that he’s demonstrated* that he clearly does not care about his health. If he dies due to his carelessness then that shouldn’t be on your conscious.
🇬🇧 I’ve just spent two years with an alcoholic. Best thing I did was leave. One day I’ll get a call saying he’s died. Whatever I accept into my life I put in my child’s life. I’m not prepared to do that.
When I was with a guy exactly like this, I had the same “not wanting to disappoint other people and loo like another failed relationship.” But that’s just not the case and most won’t see it that way though I promise, now I’m happily married to an amazing man. Also, even though the kids like him, they rather see their mother happy in their eyes you come first. They will understand. I totally sympathize with this lady. I’ve been here and I’m so much happier. Now there is hope. ❤
@aprilporter770 This issue seems very common in marriage. Husband not eating right....very comfortable. He seems to be over 50. You usually don't tell a younger man to eat and watch his health.
One of the hardest lessons to learn is that we can’t expect “us” out of them. We CANNOT change anyone other than ourselves and how we respond. One of my favorite quotes is…we are only treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated.
You are not throwing away a good person who has been good to you and your children. You can't change what each of you are responsible for. He is responsible for his choices and health and you have a long ways to go yet being responsible for your children till they can be on their own. At this time those two relationships are not compatible. You are not a bad person to own the friend zone and keep the intimate relationships away from your children. Stand strong and trust your instincts in how you show your children what a woman looks like. This guy knows this relationship is out of reach for him but it doesn't stop hope.
Think about where you find these men. If you found him at the gym you probably have similar values, if you found him at church and that's important to you it may be someone with similar values.
My dad always says this same thing. Like if you meet someone in a bar don't be surprised if he has a drinking problem or if you are with someone cheating don't be surprised when he cheats on you etc.
It does. My dad had a 5 bypass and the woman he’s with now is NOTHING like this. This man has no idea how lucky he is. My dad lives to support the woman he’s with and she does nothing. And makes him buy them fast food still and refuses to cook or do anything for him. My dad is nearing 80 but she doesn’t care. She just rather live off him and get everything after he dies.
Hopefully this lady actually sat down with the guy and had an honest conversation. While it’s not likely, he could have been one of those rare situations where a wake up call is what he’s needed to get his act together. Dude lost his first wife and is clearly still suffering from the trauma of that. None of that is anyone else’s problem and it’s on him to get better. However, the caller did say he’s a good man and her kids adore him. And while she may have given hints or clearly set him up to get better - sometimes men need to actually be told directly. If she goes “I love you but I can’t be in this relationship anymore if you don’t start doing X Y and Z. Or I need “A B and C” to make me happy in this relationship. And if she has that conversation and he still won’t change, then yeah fair enough. It’s time to get out and break up amicably. However I get this sense that the caller is already given up and looking for any excuse to get out. Which again is perfectly within her right. But if she actually loves him and thinks he’s worth fighting for - then I hope she at least gave a last ditch effort by sitting down with him and having this hard discussion.
6:22 I can understand the bf's lack of motivation to change after his wife died. I was widowed at 24 and it took a long time to WANT to live, but thank God I do, but the caller can't make her bf want to live.
I REALLY REALLY appreciate John for digging into masculinity and femininity. It's something that I have noticed missing from the show a lot. The truth is men and women are just not the same. Not by the law. Not by biology. We are just not the same. You are probably going to get attacked for this a lot John.
@@aina3387 Good luck with that lol. You may as well ask for a divorce, my guy. It's nearly impossible to explain to women that we are different, without hurting her feelings. You will never have as much credibility as the government to women, and the government will always say you are the same. It's a losing battle. I'd save your breath and marriage. lol. It's something you have to address before you marry her, not after. Despite it being reality, women don't care. They love their fantasy world and they can take your house and kids if you try to disagree.
@@JesseGraham-l9s IDK what you got out of what he said, but I *am* a woman, lol. I liked how he said that women want men step up rather than always put it on them to figure out what to do. His example is "She would like me to say "Hey, I'm feeling like steak tonight, what do you think about that? And that's very different than "okay, whatever you want" and now the whole thing rests on (her)."
Well so this is the problem with saying masculinity and femininity... those words don't actually mean anything. They just mean traits or characteristics typically associated with being masculine or feminine. That's all. Depending on which year it is, things that are typically associated with masculine can then become associated with feminine. For example, the color pink used to be a masculine color. Now it's associated with the feminine. The only differences between men and women are biological. Every other trait is a function of socialization, parenting, and an individual's temperance. What John described was the socialization he received as a man. Society told him happy wife, happy life so suppress your needs. He wasn't born that way. He was taught to behave that way. This is also why he has the ability to change.
This lady desserves to life the life she wants to live. She also has the right to choose a person who she frels is compatible with and right for her. It may be scary for her to let go of this person but she will feel the freedom it will give her.
Dr Gabor has a term for this. Counterwill. He attributes it to children but I think it applies to everyone. Don’t no one want to be told what to do. Imagine how hard it is to change yourself let alone someone else. You have good intentions for him and he remains in charge of what to do
Why do these people who are only dating have such a issue breaking things off? If you are only dating and asking yoursef if you should break up you should break up. Also why are all these people moving in with boyfriends and girlfriends when kids are invoved? Its so selfish.
I've always said if you divorce or break up after having children, you shouldn't begin dating again until your kids are at least 18 and old enough to leave home. Selfishness doesn't override stressing out your kids.
Realizing that you and your partner aren't on the same path and going your separate ways isn't a failure. Don't listen to other people, they don't get a vote. Especially the nutjobs and whackadoodles here in the comment section.
My sister did this very same thing she left, and he kept doing what he was doing and he’s no longer on this earth But she wasn’t gonna sit there and watch it and I don’t blame her still hurts her to this day, but you have to do what’s good for you no one wants to sit there and watch someone not care about themselves, but then they want you to take care of them
I just got out of a relationship like this… it boggled my mind because I told him “I’m afraid you’re going to die. I’m scared to create a future with you and have kids with you. Don’t you want to be there for me and our kids one day? Don’t you want to be able to play with them?” Nothing… he wouldn’t eat well unless it was made for him… this wasn’t the only reason we ended things, but it had me in tears sometimes and I was begging him to care… it made me feel unloved that he wouldn’t make effort to be healthier. I wasn’t looking for overnight abs, it wasn’t even physical… I wanted him to live a long and healthy life with me. It was such a shock.
I just went through the same thing. I had to do what is best for me. I do not want to be a mom to the man I am with. He’s a really good man. But he has learned helplessness. Makes me feel like he is in his feminine energy.
Relationships definitely are pass or fail. You either make it until you die or the relationship dies and fails. Usually chose a bad partner and ignored red flags early or it's actions you're both making during the relationship that kills it.
I would disagree with this. The goal is to find the right person. If you are in a relationship with the wrong person, you don't fail because you ended it. The goal is to find out if they're the right person. I treat breakups like successes. I got to know you, I got to understand your values, and I found out that we weren't a good fit. That is a success. The true failure is to stay in a relationship with the wrong person.
Holy crud…… this is almost exactly my life…….. it kept being more and more like it…… My boyfriend and I have almost been together 2 years. He has type one diabetes. He has gained a lot of weight since we started dating. He doesn’t work out and can’t really exercise in certain temperatures otherwise he gets really low when working out. I like to walk my dogs. I’m lazy too sometimes. But I would rather jump off a bridge than be unable to walk 5 miles in a day at 25. He drinks coke instead of juice to raise his blood sugar. Won’t eat good things to raise it. “Because it doesn’t work the same” also says he’s not big on valentines. Shocking.
Juice often times has every bit the sugar that coke does. Both are bad. This woman needs to run. He's bringing her down. A person that values exercise can't be with someone that wants to sit down all day.
"I was raised that every world problem is mine - I caused it..." "I need to shut my mouth and do whatever "she" says...whoever that she is" Hit's hard. It's the same way for me. The women I've dated or female friends I have really don't like how that affects them and what it puts on them. They don't understand this is how I was programmed and it's taken me a long time to understand it myself. I thought I was always doing the right thing. Very illuminating. Best of luck to the caller in her situation.
One thing I know from experience is that even if you ARE compatible, if one of you decides you don’t WANT to be compatible it turns into emotional abuse very quickly because no effort the other person makes will please the unsatisfiable one. I’m currently having to accept the bitter truth that I’ve spent the last 3-5 years being the only one genuinely trying to save this sinking ship of a relationship
Compatibility is key is a relationship. A bird and a fish can fall in love with each other but if their relationship requires them to live together it means one of them will have to die. It's hard when you like living healthy and your partner doesn't care about how gaining weight they gain. The caller has valid points. But it pisses me off if a man called like this then the comments starts saying he never loved her in the first place
Seriously, though, you are right. When a man calls up with the same complaint, john tells him he is a disgrace. Total double standard, as he tries to sell books to women.
@@stephengallagher2209 yes, I've seen he favours women's concerns more than men's. According to him, women have preferences while men have something wrong with them.
My boyfriend of 9 years has ups and downs in depression and medical flareups. I have 4 medical conditions that are all disabling but I decided to push through a full time job because that's one of my top values. He is a part-time student with just the start of a new unknown payment part-time job at his college. He spends days at a time in bed for most or half of the day, then a few days of work for 1/2 a day, then back to being in bed. I'm at my wit's end.
I'm not really sure what his dietary choices have to do with masuline v feminine energy but it sounds like they really are not compatible. He sounds complacent with putting minimal effort into himself and it bothers her. I just wonder how this is similar to the caller the other day saying how his wife was overweight and she was unhappy. It seemed she was given grace for her lifestyle but this guy wasnt given the same for his.
the masculinity and femininity wasnt about the diet. it was about taking charge. hes quite passive and doesnt make any decisions. thats not the masculine energy women tend to be attracted to as per the studies John mentioned
Kim sounds like a nice lady with a good head on her shoulders. It's rough the kids like her BF, so I get her hesitation. But, she can't stay with him for the kids. He is not taking care of himself and that's on him. She will end up being his nurse and just grow to resent him. It's a lesson learned. That's what relationships are. Lessons.
Exercise is only maybe 10% of weight loss. It's what you eat and don't eat that determines health. Please look at videos by Dr Ken Berry about the keto/carnivore low carb spectrum of eating.
@@linuxisbetter0marriages can fail. Relationships, on the other hand, are just experiences. If they end, they end. It usually means that one of the parties is growing. There's absolutely no reason why a relationship should last "forever."
He's searching for a friend. He's not showing any love in life. He seems miserable, obese, eats crap, doesn;t love himself, so he couldn;t love others either. I couldn't be with such person, makes me depressed. Thast guy has zero interest in her. A man is initating excited to impress a woman he adores, this one is just having her as a backup plan.
I agree but when a man has had the love of his life pass away and dealing with health issues he needs a friend/companion. Seems to me she still chasing love.
She sounds like she lacks boundaries; I am surprised Dr. John didn’t say that when she said she’d stay in a bad relationship or with someone she doesn’t love anymore FOR them. That is a lack of boundaries. Our kids are separate from us
Also, when women argue about trivial bs like where you're eating, guys just say whatever you want because they dont want a theological hour long debate over a meal that takes 10 mins to eat.
If you’re not happy then go, but I hope she’s not trying to find “like this, but better.” This guy lost his wife and had a major health problem, maybe he just wants to enjoy his time the way he chooses because he doesn’t feel anything is guaranteed. I don’t know their relationship, but she had three kids and it sounds like he embraced them, to the degree he won over someone who didn’t want to be won over by him. That’s not an abundant commodity, but you’re about to wipe the slate clean over his diet. I hope it’s worth the risk.
It may not be that he doesn't want to care about his health, it could be that he doesn't know how. If someone else/the lady in his life, as John mentioned, (mom, cafeteria lady, wife) has always been in charge of healthy food prep, he wouldn't know because never had to use that part of the brain and figure it out. If she REALLY cared she should be a better girlfriend and cook for him or with him (at least once a week) to show him how to prepare healthy meals. Make it into family fun night or turn it into a "challenge" with both families, switching houses every other week. They probably both need grief counseling to deal with loss of thier spouses because divorce is like a death. Giving up on him and the relationship does not seem like the answer, especially since they and thier children are invested in it.
She should have never introduced the kids before she was sure they were compatible. She does cross fit - She can find a stud at her gym that can run laps around her and she can be in her feminine vs. This guy who is pounding big macs and is a "nice" guy.
..... accompanying a human going through the dying process seems to be a theme in my life .... this time the person is my husband ..... not easy .... he simply does not know how to take care of himself and there is only so much I can do ... I do, after all, have to take care of myself too ...
We call that being a hospice care wife. Men will use you to provide them comfort in the end. You have to increase yourself worth and heal that codependency. You deserve to be loved for who you are not what you provide.
I don’t know what “masculine” or “feminine” has to do with this, John. Very few people, male or female, want a wet blanket spouse who always says “whatever you want, dear.” When we’re both bringing new ideas and plans to the table, life is exciting and fun.
this isn't about his weight gain though. this is about him taking care of his health, taking control of his life. that really detracts you from someone, makes you lose respect for them when they won't take control of their own life no matter how much you try to help. you can't help people who don't want to help themselves -- is one of life's biggest learning lessons. (to be fair, I don't know what video you're referring to; this is the first one i've seen of his actually. but what I say about this video still stands.)
Basically women need men to make choices for them so that they can shut them down. Or, if the decision turns out to be bad, they can blame their man for it so that they don’t have to feel the blame. It’s utterly exhausting.
If you value exercise there's nothing worse than being with a person that wants to sit all the time. It's unbelievably unmotivating. Move on and he can concentrate on fast food and watching tv. Life is all about that do nothing lifestyle.
I bet if she says am gone, he gonna get out of his trance. I suspect he has not faced the death of his first wife and grieved. I know because my bf is a widow too and won't make decisions but he is willing to be keto and work out and do what I say nutritionally because I helped him loose weight already twice and got all his numbers right on his metabolic panel. Too bad this guy of hers won't even try.
I kinda feel like you told this woman what she wanted to hear. On the flip side, it sounds like this guy has shown up for her and her kids. He’s not into fitness. Did you ever consider he doesn’t choose a restaurant because there’s judgement from her? I want hibachi. All that, butter and oil and unhealthy stuff??? He’s not a bad guy. But maybe a gym bro will make her happier. A hundred bucks says her next guy won’t be able to keep it in his pants either.
She knew he was fat and ate fast food all day when she got with him. However, she was in a bind after the divorce. Now that she's in a better position, time to leave him for being exactly who he was when you met him.
I would like to show my girlfriend this clip....im a cigarette smoker I smoke a lot of cigarettes I'll admit. But my girlfriend is a drinker and she's super overweight. But she keeps trying to tell me I don't want to watch you die..... As if she's the Pinnacle of health...... And I don't know how to tell her in a nice way bb u ant that healthy u might die b4 me
This is the epitome of you need a partner, not a project.
Completely agree
She needs a man, is what she needs.
Spot on
Women LOVE a project though🙄🙄
@@BD-1-And-Only are you a woman? That's like if I said all men like football. I don't like a project.
Dating is so we can see if we are a match. If we aren't, then let that person go to find their person and we ours.
That part!
But people date and marrt and years later go through this.
You only control yourself. What you see is what you get. Nagging him to care about his health is not going to make him change. Cut your losses if you cannot handle the behaviors. If triple bypass didn't wake him up, you won't make a dent. Men don't like ultimatums either.
I’ve been with someone like this! You become their mother and they do not change. SO GLAD I LEFT!! I left for many reasons but this was one of the main ones. He had the same “won’t take charge” behavior in every area of our lives. I feel for her, it’s hard to leave but very doable. She deserves better.
THEIR NOT “there mother”
@@lorrainea.285 thanks I missed that typo ♥️
And his nurse, psychologist, chef, personal trainer, cheerleader, and emotional tampon. It’s exhausting and too much for once person. When ppl gain that much weight they’re usually chronically depressed.
He’s totally checked out. Leave.
Been there done that. Walk away NOW. It only gets worse. It will devastate you and your children in ways you can't see right now. Don't walk away. RUN!!!
“Relationships aren’t pass / fail.” Truth bomb.
IKR? Of all the kind and helpful things he said in this conversation, that was the most brilliant ❤💜
He’s not in a relationship to become the best version of himself and to be a great husband. He’s in a relationship so you can be his mother. Him being an obese diabetic and loosing interest on dates is only the tipping point there are multi millionaires who are in great shape and behave the exact same way.
The worst part about it is they’re usually gaslighters as well.
“You’re going to leave me while I’m sick and in poor health?” “You never loved me.”
I relate to this so much because I’m the guy in this scenario! Im working on it, and it’s just as hard as fighting any other addiction/mindset change. The last thing I would want to do is drag anyone else along while I figure my stuff out. This guy is obviously not in a healthy place in life, and as hard as it will be for this woman, she is definitely making the right decision! ❤
I don't know if you have found him on TH-cam yet but there is a guy named Dr Mike, his channel is called Renaissance Periodisation. He is educated in health and fitness (not sure his degrees) he looks like a meat head but is a sweetheart. As long as you can show yourself compassion and have patience you will be successful in your health goals
@@am5635Thanks for the suggestion. I am trying to get healthier. I'll have to check that out.
This is so sad. He’s committing slow suicide and wants a companion along for the ride so he won’t die alone. I hope he can get the help he needs, but it won’t be through marrying someone in a completely different place in life. You will move on, and your kids will move on, honey. The disappointment won’t compare to the heartbreak of watching this man slowly die.
He needs Jesus
Crazy when a woman is obese and a man says this everyone in the comments is calling him a bad husband and saying he needs to lead by example. This channel is a joke.
He needs a carnivore diet. Change his life in 2 weeks
The Jezus and diet narcissists are at it again in full force. I would ask for a bit of empathy, but you're probably incapable.
He deserves better than this terrorist who wants to change this man from who he is. If you don’t love him enough to stay then leave. But don’t make it his problem. It’s yours
Its kinda like with alcoholics: two can live together fine... but if one isnt a drinker.... yea thats not likely to last long.
I am further down the road. Dr. D, you are so unbelievably bang on. I have the utmost respect for such a difficult call your guest made. Reaching out to you helped many of us, for that I am certain. Thank you both for your grace and honesty. Good parents, both of you. What a gift. ❤
*It’s safe to say that he’s demonstrated* that he clearly does not care about his health. If he dies due to his carelessness then that shouldn’t be on your conscious.
If the lifestyles and health habits don't align and one person isn't willing to change, pretty big red flag and deal breaker in my books.
Yes, it's time to call it quits.
🇬🇧 I’ve just spent two years with an alcoholic. Best thing I did was leave. One day I’ll get a call saying he’s died. Whatever I accept into my life I put in my child’s life. I’m not prepared to do that.
When I was with a guy exactly like this, I had the same “not wanting to disappoint other people and loo like another failed relationship.” But that’s just not the case and most won’t see it that way though I promise, now I’m happily married to an amazing man. Also, even though the kids like him, they rather see their mother happy in their eyes you come first. They will understand. I totally sympathize with this lady. I’ve been here and I’m so much happier. Now there is hope. ❤
The guy is a widower. He's probably been depressed for a long time. It's sad. Hopefully, he gets help.
You're literally dealing with a marriage issue in dating.
Or is it a dating issue in marriages? Ahh?
@aprilporter770 This issue seems very common in marriage. Husband not eating right....very comfortable. He seems to be over 50. You usually don't tell a younger man to eat and watch his health.
One of the hardest lessons to learn is that we can’t expect “us” out of them.
We CANNOT change anyone other than ourselves and how we respond. One of my favorite quotes is…we are only treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated.
My therapist asked me, what do l need from her. I said, l need you to give me permission to leave.
You are not throwing away a good person who has been good to you and your children. You can't change what each of you are responsible for. He is responsible for his choices and health and you have a long ways to go yet being responsible for your children till they can be on their own. At this time those two relationships are not compatible. You are not a bad person to own the friend zone and keep the intimate relationships away from your children. Stand strong and trust your instincts in how you show your children what a woman looks like. This guy knows this relationship is out of reach for him but it doesn't stop hope.
Have not watched yet.
My call:
If you have to ask, then you probably already know.
RUN WHILE IT'S A BULLET YOU CAN DODGE!!!
I'm so glad that you're talking about all of it and not just some of it
Think about where you find these men. If you found him at the gym you probably have similar values, if you found him at church and that's important to you it may be someone with similar values.
My dad always says this same thing. Like if you meet someone in a bar don't be surprised if he has a drinking problem or if you are with someone cheating don't be surprised when he cheats on you etc.
I don't know what triple bypass means but it sounds like he almost died and is willing to go back
It means they replaced / or fixed 3 arteries on his heart
It does. My dad had a 5 bypass and the woman he’s with now is NOTHING like this. This man has no idea how lucky he is. My dad lives to support the woman he’s with and she does nothing. And makes him buy them fast food still and refuses to cook or do anything for him. My dad is nearing 80 but she doesn’t care. She just rather live off him and get everything after he dies.
Hey, a cross fitter almost went a whole minute without saying she is a cross fitter 👏
He’s self destructive
Don’t let him destroy you
You’ll be dragged down his lonely destructive road …
Hopefully this lady actually sat down with the guy and had an honest conversation. While it’s not likely, he could have been one of those rare situations where a wake up call is what he’s needed to get his act together.
Dude lost his first wife and is clearly still suffering from the trauma of that. None of that is anyone else’s problem and it’s on him to get better. However, the caller did say he’s a good man and her kids adore him.
And while she may have given hints or clearly set him up to get better - sometimes men need to actually be told directly. If she goes “I love you but I can’t be in this relationship anymore if you don’t start doing X Y and Z. Or I need “A B and C” to make me happy in this relationship.
And if she has that conversation and he still won’t change, then yeah fair enough. It’s time to get out and break up amicably.
However I get this sense that the caller is already given up and looking for any excuse to get out. Which again is perfectly within her right. But if she actually loves him and thinks he’s worth fighting for - then I hope she at least gave a last ditch effort by sitting down with him and having this hard discussion.
6:22 I can understand the bf's lack of motivation to change after his wife died. I was widowed at 24 and it took a long time to WANT to live, but thank God I do, but the caller can't make her bf want to live.
My ex was a project. No job, ate like garbage, 36 years old and verbally abusive.
Last 5 months and that was way too long
I agree most kids think they know every but my teenage brother is very wise & I will never underestimate him
Hey Kim, you are not his mother. He is who he is.
8:35...perfect. You're awesome for that right there.
And momma that called in- you got this. Doc was right on here.
❤❤❤
You got this mama out there 💓 such a good talk, all the things I never hear in the world between grown people. So good for us
Poor lady. Men cheat bc they like sneaking around; that’s it. You are a great mama!! Count your blessings
I REALLY REALLY appreciate John for digging into masculinity and femininity. It's something that I have noticed missing from the show a lot. The truth is men and women are just not the same. Not by the law. Not by biology. We are just not the same. You are probably going to get attacked for this a lot John.
I really liked that part. In fact, I want to copy down what he said and give it to my fiance to explain my thoughts on certain things.
@@aina3387 Good luck with that lol. You may as well ask for a divorce, my guy. It's nearly impossible to explain to women that we are different, without hurting her feelings. You will never have as much credibility as the government to women, and the government will always say you are the same. It's a losing battle. I'd save your breath and marriage. lol. It's something you have to address before you marry her, not after. Despite it being reality, women don't care. They love their fantasy world and they can take your house and kids if you try to disagree.
@@JesseGraham-l9s IDK what you got out of what he said, but I *am* a woman, lol. I liked how he said that women want men step up rather than always put it on them to figure out what to do. His example is "She would like me to say "Hey, I'm feeling like steak tonight, what do you think about that? And that's very different than "okay, whatever you want" and now the whole thing rests on (her)."
@@aina3387 lol whew. Thank god.
Thought John was about to have another caller with a problem that is nearly impossible to fix
Well so this is the problem with saying masculinity and femininity... those words don't actually mean anything. They just mean traits or characteristics typically associated with being masculine or feminine. That's all. Depending on which year it is, things that are typically associated with masculine can then become associated with feminine. For example, the color pink used to be a masculine color. Now it's associated with the feminine.
The only differences between men and women are biological. Every other trait is a function of socialization, parenting, and an individual's temperance.
What John described was the socialization he received as a man. Society told him happy wife, happy life so suppress your needs. He wasn't born that way. He was taught to behave that way. This is also why he has the ability to change.
This lady desserves to life the life she wants to live. She also has the right to choose a person who she frels is compatible with and right for her. It may be scary for her to let go of this person but she will feel the freedom it will give her.
Yes, and the guy they are talking about also has the right to choose how he lives.
Dr Gabor has a term for this. Counterwill. He attributes it to children but I think it applies to everyone. Don’t no one want to be told what to do. Imagine how hard it is to change yourself let alone someone else. You have good intentions for him and he remains in charge of what to do
Why do these people who are only dating have such a issue breaking things off? If you are only dating and asking yoursef if you should break up you should break up. Also why are all these people moving in with boyfriends and girlfriends when kids are invoved? Its so selfish.
I've always said if you divorce or break up after having children, you shouldn't begin dating again until your kids are at least 18 and old enough to leave home. Selfishness doesn't override stressing out your kids.
Just like the song by Neil Sedaka said, "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.". It doesn't matter if they're "only dating" it still hurts.
Realizing that you and your partner aren't on the same path and going your separate ways isn't a failure. Don't listen to other people, they don't get a vote. Especially the nutjobs and whackadoodles here in the comment section.
Relationships are not PASS/FAIL - I like this.
If you aren’t married why is this even a conversation
My sister did this very same thing she left, and he kept doing what he was doing and he’s no longer on this earth
But she wasn’t gonna sit there and watch it and I don’t blame her still hurts her to this day, but you have to do what’s good for you no one wants to sit there and watch someone not care about themselves, but then they want you to take care of them
I just got out of a relationship like this… it boggled my mind because I told him “I’m afraid you’re going to die. I’m scared to create a future with you and have kids with you. Don’t you want to be there for me and our kids one day? Don’t you want to be able to play with them?” Nothing… he wouldn’t eat well unless it was made for him… this wasn’t the only reason we ended things, but it had me in tears sometimes and I was begging him to care… it made me feel unloved that he wouldn’t make effort to be healthier. I wasn’t looking for overnight abs, it wasn’t even physical… I wanted him to live a long and healthy life with me. It was such a shock.
"Low Level Hospice Nurse"...Woo! That's thaa Comment That Got Me...
Just ordered your book. I am so looking forward to it.
I just went through the same thing. I had to do what is best for me. I do not want to be a mom to the man I am with. He’s a really good man. But he has learned helplessness. Makes me feel like he is in his feminine energy.
BEST ADVISE EVER!
Relationships definitely are pass or fail. You either make it until you die or the relationship dies and fails. Usually chose a bad partner and ignored red flags early or it's actions you're both making during the relationship that kills it.
I would disagree with this. The goal is to find the right person. If you are in a relationship with the wrong person, you don't fail because you ended it. The goal is to find out if they're the right person. I treat breakups like successes. I got to know you, I got to understand your values, and I found out that we weren't a good fit. That is a success. The true failure is to stay in a relationship with the wrong person.
Holy crud…… this is almost exactly my life…….. it kept being more and more like it…… My boyfriend and I have almost been together 2 years. He has type one diabetes. He has gained a lot of weight since we started dating. He doesn’t work out and can’t really exercise in certain temperatures otherwise he gets really low when working out. I like to walk my dogs. I’m lazy too sometimes. But I would rather jump off a bridge than be unable to walk 5 miles in a day at 25. He drinks coke instead of juice to raise his blood sugar. Won’t eat good things to raise it. “Because it doesn’t work the same” also says he’s not big on valentines. Shocking.
Juice often times has every bit the sugar that coke does. Both are bad. This woman needs to run. He's bringing her down. A person that values exercise can't be with someone that wants to sit down all day.
Was this prevalent BEFORE you entered the relationship?
Probably yes, and you thought you could change him.
I hope the man that assaulted you and made you hate men is in jail
"I was raised that every world problem is mine - I caused it..." "I need to shut my mouth and do whatever "she" says...whoever that she is"
Hit's hard. It's the same way for me. The women I've dated or female friends I have really don't like how that affects them and what it puts on them. They don't understand this is how I was programmed and it's taken me a long time to understand it myself. I thought I was always doing the right thing. Very illuminating.
Best of luck to the caller in her situation.
This episode was SO GOOD
Awesome show and advice, on so many levels!
One thing I know from experience is that even if you ARE compatible, if one of you decides you don’t WANT to be compatible it turns into emotional abuse very quickly because no effort the other person makes will please the unsatisfiable one. I’m currently having to accept the bitter truth that I’ve spent the last 3-5 years being the only one genuinely trying to save this sinking ship of a relationship
Compatibility is key is a relationship. A bird and a fish can fall in love with each other but if their relationship requires them to live together it means one of them will have to die.
It's hard when you like living healthy and your partner doesn't care about how gaining weight they gain. The caller has valid points.
But it pisses me off if a man called like this then the comments starts saying he never loved her in the first place
A bird and a fish can fall in love? Really? Name one occasion that happened in the history of the planet.
Seriously, though, you are right. When a man calls up with the same complaint, john tells him he is a disgrace. Total double standard, as he tries to sell books to women.
@@stephengallagher2209 a bird and a fish can't fall in love, I don't know if you've heard of something called an analogy
@@stephengallagher2209 yes, I've seen he favours women's concerns more than men's.
According to him, women have preferences while men have something wrong with them.
You’ve described my ex…frustrating when everything is your responsibility…good to know that now before kids.
My boyfriend of 9 years has ups and downs in depression and medical flareups. I have 4 medical conditions that are all disabling but I decided to push through a full time job because that's one of my top values. He is a part-time student with just the start of a new unknown payment part-time job at his college. He spends days at a time in bed for most or half of the day, then a few days of work for 1/2 a day, then back to being in bed. I'm at my wit's end.
Nice devil horns I mean hand statue in the back ground🤘🏽…
Hmm I never noticed it before....
😭 awesome video, thanks eh!🇨🇦
Would he be saying this if they were married?
I'm not really sure what his dietary choices have to do with masuline v feminine energy but it sounds like they really are not compatible. He sounds complacent with putting minimal effort into himself and it bothers her.
I just wonder how this is similar to the caller the other day saying how his wife was overweight and she was unhappy. It seemed she was given grace for her lifestyle but this guy wasnt given the same for his.
the masculinity and femininity wasnt about the diet. it was about taking charge. hes quite passive and doesnt make any decisions. thats not the masculine energy women tend to be attracted to as per the studies John mentioned
That's like me asking if I should get back into dating and relationships when I know that I'm not relationship material. 😂
You're not married yet. It's not till death do us part. .
So eye opening
This is like when a couple is not equally yoked by religion. This miss match of lifestyle is to much to over come.
Kim sounds like a nice lady with a good head on her shoulders. It's rough the kids like her BF, so I get her hesitation. But, she can't stay with him for the kids. He is not taking care of himself and that's on him. She will end up being his nurse and just grow to resent him. It's a lesson learned. That's what relationships are. Lessons.
Exercise is only maybe 10% of weight loss. It's what you eat and don't eat that determines health. Please look at videos by Dr Ken Berry about the keto/carnivore low carb spectrum of eating.
BUT exercise is a very important part of mental health, and mental health affects how you eat and the choices that you make.
where he asks for you to throw a buck or two his way and those posts pictures of his wife with a Chanel bag. Unsubscribed after I saw that.
Relationships are not pass or fail. What're they?
A relationship lol
@@hollypinque5349 A relationship can fail or succeed though right?
@@linuxisbetter0marriages can fail. Relationships, on the other hand, are just experiences. If they end, they end. It usually means that one of the parties is growing. There's absolutely no reason why a relationship should last "forever."
He's searching for a friend. He's not showing any love in life. He seems miserable, obese, eats crap, doesn;t love himself, so he couldn;t love others either. I couldn't be with such person, makes me depressed. Thast guy has zero interest in her. A man is initating excited to impress a woman he adores, this one is just having her as a backup plan.
I agree but when a man has had the love of his life pass away and dealing with health issues he needs a friend/companion. Seems to me she still chasing love.
That's the problem I had in my marriage. I'm not a take charge kind of guy and that contributed to my marriage failing.
My first husband had serious heart problems but he didn’t take it seriously. He ended up dieing of sudden heart failure 2 years into our marriage.
You can’t care more about his health than he does. It may be best to just leave and focus on yourself.
I feel this lady. I feel similar feelings, but different situations..😢 relating to the kids part of it..);
She sounds like she lacks boundaries; I am surprised Dr. John didn’t say that when she said she’d stay in a bad relationship or with someone she doesn’t love anymore FOR them. That is a lack of boundaries. Our kids are separate from us
Writing my letter to myself in 2010. This is going to be hard.
She’s likely overbearing which is why he lets her make all the decisions. Doesn’t help that she was also divorced previously.
Also, when women argue about trivial bs like where you're eating, guys just say whatever you want because they dont want a theological hour long debate over a meal that takes 10 mins to eat.
If you’re not happy then go, but I hope she’s not trying to find “like this, but better.” This guy lost his wife and had a major health problem, maybe he just wants to enjoy his time the way he chooses because he doesn’t feel anything is guaranteed. I don’t know their relationship, but she had three kids and it sounds like he embraced them, to the degree he won over someone who didn’t want to be won over by him. That’s not an abundant commodity, but you’re about to wipe the slate clean over his diet. I hope it’s worth the risk.
It may not be that he doesn't want to care about his health, it could be that he doesn't know how. If someone else/the lady in his life, as John mentioned, (mom, cafeteria lady, wife) has always been in charge of healthy food prep, he wouldn't know because never had to use that part of the brain and figure it out. If she REALLY cared she should be a better girlfriend and cook for him or with him (at least once a week) to show him how to prepare healthy meals. Make it into family fun night or turn it into a "challenge" with both families, switching houses every other week. They probably both need grief counseling to deal with loss of thier spouses because divorce is like a death. Giving up on him and the relationship does not seem like the answer, especially since they and thier children are invested in it.
She should have never introduced the kids before she was sure they were compatible. She does cross fit - She can find a stud at her gym that can run laps around her and she can be in her feminine vs. This guy who is pounding big macs and is a "nice" guy.
..... accompanying a human going through the dying process seems to be a theme in my life .... this time the person is my husband ..... not easy .... he simply does not know how to take care of himself and there is only so much I can do ... I do, after all, have to take care of myself too ...
I'm so sorry. Praying for you both.
We call that being a hospice care wife. Men will use you to provide them comfort in the end. You have to increase yourself worth and heal that codependency. You deserve to be loved for who you are not what you provide.
@@ineedhoez or perhaps it is a sacred and holy act of Love ...
I don’t know what “masculine” or “feminine” has to do with this, John. Very few people, male or female, want a wet blanket spouse who always says “whatever you want, dear.” When we’re both bringing new ideas and plans to the table, life is exciting and fun.
Amazing how different the responses are here compared to those in the other Deloney video, "Not Attracted to My Wife Anymore After Her Weight Gain." 🙄
Tell me about it.
this isn't about his weight gain though. this is about him taking care of his health, taking control of his life. that really detracts you from someone, makes you lose respect for them when they won't take control of their own life no matter how much you try to help. you can't help people who don't want to help themselves -- is one of life's biggest learning lessons. (to be fair, I don't know what video you're referring to; this is the first one i've seen of his actually. but what I say about this video still stands.)
Her only question at this moment should be:
1) Do you have Life Insurance?
2) What exactly is your Net Worth.
Basically women need men to make choices for them so that they can shut them down. Or, if the decision turns out to be bad, they can blame their man for it so that they don’t have to feel the blame. It’s utterly exhausting.
I can definitely see how he has a heavily female audience. He spends alot more time on validating than problem solving
Exactly!
12:09 well parents 12:44 I'm just sad
If you value exercise there's nothing worse than being with a person that wants to sit all the time. It's unbelievably unmotivating. Move on and he can concentrate on fast food and watching tv. Life is all about that do nothing lifestyle.
I bet if she says am gone, he gonna get out of his trance. I suspect he has not faced the death of his first wife and grieved. I know because my bf is a widow too and won't make decisions but he is willing to be keto and work out and do what I say nutritionally because I helped him loose weight already twice and got all his numbers right on his metabolic panel. Too bad this guy of hers won't even try.
Your kids come first.
His wife died. His kids are grown. He has nothing to lose. If his health declines and he dies, he sees his wife again.
He shouldn't be in a relationship then. He's being dishonest and wasting her time.
As soon as I saw the title on the thumbnail, i knew the answer was "no". If you have to ask..........
He is addicted to fast foods. He wont change. Leave him now. His problems will haunt you not him. You arent his Mom. Good luck!
I did live in your shoes...fully..diabetic denier and heart patient and obese eating crap. He died from TBI at 65. It was ugly after 40 yrs married.
I kinda feel like you told this woman what she wanted to hear. On the flip side, it sounds like this guy has shown up for her and her kids. He’s not into fitness. Did you ever consider he doesn’t choose a restaurant because there’s judgement from her? I want hibachi. All that, butter and oil and unhealthy stuff??? He’s not a bad guy. But maybe a gym bro will make her happier. A hundred bucks says her next guy won’t be able to keep it in his pants either.
Don't read the TH-cam comments
She knew he was fat and ate fast food all day when she got with him. However, she was in a bind after the divorce. Now that she's in a better position, time to leave him for being exactly who he was when you met him.
People get married and go through this. It isn't a big deal.
Walk away hes nor worth your time
He doesn't want to date his mommy. He needs to leave her in the dust.
She was dumb from the beginning. She knew he was unhealthy and still dated him. She still thought “oh I can change him”
You don't know how he was 2 years ago. Stop projecting.
That's what I'm thinking lol
I would like to show my girlfriend this clip....im a cigarette smoker I smoke a lot of cigarettes I'll admit. But my girlfriend is a drinker and she's super overweight. But she keeps trying to tell me I don't want to watch you die..... As if she's the Pinnacle of health...... And I don't know how to tell her in a nice way bb u ant that healthy u might die b4 me