That’s what I my wife of 7 years 10+ years together said. My reply was, ok let me help load your stuff into a vehicle, best of luck with your new guy. 🤣👋
@@texasdazzlers Exactly, a lot of women will go with the best current offer, it doesn’t matter how much you love them, how much you have done for them or even who you are.
@@dabd8175 you've got.... some major issues 😒 maybe look inward, you don't *have* to just randomly lash out where it's not warranted, very disordered behavior
My husband’s childhood friend reached out to him and left a message. At the time my husband was so busy with work and family he forgot and/or didn’t return his phone call. My husband found out later that he had died of cancer. I think the friend was reaching out to tell my husband that he was very sick. Up to this date he feels guilty for not returning his phone call.
If I don't speak to somone regularly then I don't assume they're a friend. An acquaintance at best. But if someone disappears and the resurrects, I'm not giving them the time of day. If your life was fine without me then continue to be without me. I don't entertain one sided relationships be it romantic, friendship, business, etc. It's called boundaries
Learning the exact same. Such a liberating feeling. Like you can breathe easier. It can be very difficult but so worthwhile and gets much easier with time
40 years. Saw them through awful divorce, babysat kids and took them on vacation. When new hubby showed up and I began getting ghosted, only invited sometimes, then a no show again for a big event. It’s been seven years. I was tossed aside like trash. Last year I got several call, apologies, which I accepted. Then bit my tongue to not say “hey, let’s meet up”… because I now love myself enough to not be treated like I’m disposable if something better comes up.
I discarded a friend like yours did you, because I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with the father of my only son. I lost many contacts because of his suspicious jealousy. I really wanted to make our family work, but clearly could not. I wrote my friend some very secret notes towards the end of it, explaining my situation and that I was working on getting out. When I finally was out, she told me we did not have that much in common anymore, and she was right. Fast forward to today and we ended up in a meditation group together and are truly appreciating each other's presence. One thing I have learned, is the proof is always in the pudding. I forgave her, although it was painful, and she forgave me and we both did that work on our own. Also, I did nothing else that hurt her, and did nothing to reengage with her over the next eight years; we have friends in common, we saw eachother at some of the birthdays, were always polite. Anyways, props to you for actually being there for your friend when she needed you most. The worth of that goes into your karma bank regardless of whether she appreciated you or not. ❤
@@steelearmstrong9616how is wanting personal space narcissistic? How is not wanting to be on call 24/7 narcissistic? Like I genuinely want to know how you came to this conclusion, or what extremely specific personal experience is coloring your opinion here.
It's exhausting how so many people expect a response within an hour and get wildly offended if I take 12 hours to reply I'm single and dating is a nightmare. So many women can't handle the idea that I might want to spend my morning or evening NOT glued to my phone.
Friendships have to be cultivated or they die on the vine. But not all friendships are meant to last forever. Some friendships are seasonal and it's okay if they fizzle out and people move on with their lives. You don't have to have a "direct conversation" - just let the distance and geography slowly widen the gap. The friendship will naturally fade out over time.
One way realized the friendship was no longer working for me was 1. When she called, she talked nonstop about her life. I could mute her and after 30 minutes of her nonstop giving me advice, or telling me who she had been advising, or never asking me one thing about my life…and if she did, she gave unsolicited advice. For years, I tolerated this behavior, and I was not content to communicate in one direction. Good communication is you talk, listen when I talk…ask questions…
Cowardly though. Honesty is a good thing as people can move on and not waste their time. Time is more valuable than money. Don’t waste other peoples to be honest.
In reality, friendships also take work. Sometimes you also have periods when you don't quite like your friend and wish for new friends. But alot of times, sticking around will have you come out the other side with better appreciation for your friends and possibly with more friends if you also decided to not put all your feelings and need on one friend and chose to make time to explore. I don't know if this is unpopular opinion, but I don't really enjoy seeing stories about friend breakup not especially in a society filled with lonely people. Instead of breaking up, add new friends. There is no limit to how many friends one might have , so what's the point of breaking up.
I got ghosted by a ‘friend’ after years of supporting her (leaving her husband/moving out/health problems etc etc). It was so painful at the time. Now looking back I can see she did me a massive favour - her ghosting me made me realise what a people pleaser I was and how I had tolerated some pretty awful behaviour from her towards me over the years. As my husband always says to me: “You’ve got to stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”
One of my good male friends “broke up” with me because he wanted to take a new relationship with a girl he met seriously. I was super sad but I also knew that it was the right thing to do. 🥲 miss him a ton but he’s now engaged and close to starting a family. I’m really happy for him because this was all he ever wanted from life.
I’ve never had to break up with a friend but I have definitely had them fizzled out. Sometimes you grow apart and head down different paths and that’s ok.
I once broke up with my high school BFF who was a lying manipulating backstabbing coward and even other friends/acquaintances (because she didn't let me have any other support) and I felt SO FREE. I hadn't realised how much her bullying changed me.
I broke up with a friend of ten years, because she is very NARCISSISTIC and wants everything to revolve around her and her needs. In all those years, she kicked me out of her life several times, because of her ex-boyfriends, she never has been available to me, I am always the one who had to give in, help, console, give and she just took and took from me. The straw that broke the camel's back was in December when it gave me a big reprimand about something that happened 7 years ago, in which I did nothing wrong to her, but she expected me to ask for forgiveness on my knees... She filled my plate and I set limits for her that I had never set before, so she went crazy, blocked me and that was it. It was really a great relief that relationship ended, I freed myself from a parasite that sucked me in many sorts of ways and I don't miss it at all 😊
Well done 🥰 it’s hard because you don’t mind doing for others out of the goodness of your heart but not when it is demanded or expected. Sounds like you chose you first. Great choice. I’m finally getting there myself 😁
5-7 close friends?!?! That’s incredible. I have 0 near me and 1 who lives across the nation. I guess I must be strong because this is the way I’ve lived my entire life. You’ve got to learn to do things on you own
A lot has to do with geography and location. When I lived in the croweded big city, I had a lot of friends even close ones. Now in my small town, friends are very few--just not a lot of people around here.
Right. I have 1 friend but that's it and I'm in my 50's. It's just not high school anymore where you have tons of people you can call and hang out with.
She is hurt because her friend doesn't get together with her when her friend comes to town.I understand because I have been in that situation.She is now questioning whether or not to remain friends with the woman.Most people are only your friend when it is convenient for them.That is the sad reality.
There is a give-and-take in any relationship. Sometimes what you are expected to give is just too draining. I had a friend who was very very needy and she clung to me and demanded more and more of my time and attention . For the sake of my own health, I had to cut all ties with her.
I hate being ignored, and I hate ignoring others and think it's rude. I don't expect everyone to answer immediately, and I don't answer everyone immediately. On the other hand, I am not well-known like John is.
I think in a lot of groups, there is a 'well-known' person for whatever reason. It can get exhausting fending superficial connections off. Your cup can be full that it's not that deep and personal to you, but it can be for the other party no matter what you say because it's not what they want to hear. Anything with room for misinterpretation can start seeping into other facets of your life if there are loose ties connecting you. I've always lived in big cities so it's not unusual for that to happen and not replying is best.
oh, I agree with you. If you have access to me and my number, I wouldn't ignore you and or have the disrespect to ignore you. I would still take 2 seconds to say, "hey I'm busy and I'll reply later today." or "I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I'll reply when I'm ready." But I had a similar situation with the caller in this video. I had to rip the band aid off because that friend, unfortunately, shown me multiple times that she does not respect me. And I tried to work things out with her and communicated multiple times, but she just did not change, and I had to have more self-respect and self-love to acknowledge that she will not respect me like I respected her.
I disagree. It is only in the few years of humanity that we all have 24/7 access to everyone. It's not fair and it's not ok for everyone you've literally ever met to have access to poke in on you at any time and you're expected to respond "in a timely manner". No sorry.
@@7chanda I couldn't love your comment enough. Extroverts are literally killing introverts from taking away from them what they need to survive - solitude.
I just lost a friend after 31 years of friendship because he died. He moved away, moved back, moved away again, and moved back again. We tried to get together everytime he visited home. Most of the time, we could, but a few times life happened, and I didn't see him. I thought I missed him when he lived far away because we didn't talk very often, but nothing compares to the pain of never talking to him again. I would give anything to talk to him again. 😢
Same here. I just woke up with a long-term close friend as well. Been feeling guilty about it even though I knew it was the right thing. Hoping this will help
So glad the caller asked this question. Been going through something similar. Had a friend for years and began noticing that her bad behavior was rubbing off one me and giving me anxiety. I was also hoping this would turn into a great friendship but it just isn't.
A few years ago I had a 'breakup' with someone whom I had considered my best friend. This was a 25 year old friendship where I was 90% the initiator, I love entertaining (she hates it) so she has sat at my table for hundreds of meals, our children were friends (still are), she was really part of our family. Then she treated me so badly over a summer on 3 different occasions, I was deeply hurt by her but put my hurt aside and invited her and her boyfriend over for a meal. She came alone. We didn't communicate for 2 years after that and didn't see each other even though we live in a very small town (also Covid happened), she ignored my bday, but I messaged her on hers, wishing her happy birthday. I went through a difficult 2 years. Lots of tears, psychologist. I was devasted, but also felt very betrayed by her. After 2 years I found out from my daughter that this behaviour was brought on by something I supposedly said to her, which I don't know what I said because she never came and said that I hurt her feelings. She reached out on my second bday but by now 2 years had gone by, I was just starting to get over the pain that I was feeling, and I honestly felt that I could no longer trust her in our friendship. I was always the outgoing one, the talker, I told her almost everything, but I knew I could never go back to being open and vulnerable with her again. 4 years have passed, we have never spoken, we have seen each other twice in town with a polite 'hi'. Still hurting a little but I channelled my hurt into self-therapy and have become an artist in the last 4 years, which brings me a lot of joy.
I am so sorry. Something similar happened to me. What helped it realizing Jesus inviting everyone to his table, and he was poisoned. My counselor told me be very careful who you invite into your life and d into your home. What a lot of people don’t realize is that especially for women, many friendships last way longer than marriages do. It is often more devastating when they end. It is ok to grieve - maybe for the rest of your life.
Something similar happened to me, too. An older friend who always told me I was like a daughter to her. I've been a people-pleaser all my life, the first time I said no to her our relationship changed. We'd been through a lot together, been each other's confidant, a little refusal suddenly turned me into an enemy. I suffered a lot because of that
I had a friend who I found out lied about having stage 4 cancer. I am a cancer survivor. She also lied and had me believing her husband was abusive. I gently talked to her, and I told her with the history of lying, I was questioning the entire friendship. Trust is so important. If someone is a perpetual liar for attention, that is not a friend I want.
I have been dealing with a relationship similar to that in my life. It is ongoing, but keeping a healthy distance and not asking them about their issues/giving them any open door to complain about new things has helped. I try to keep things positive.
@@ashlieleavelle the point of my comment is that 99% of women will accuse their exes of being abusive in some form or fashion. It IS very typical. Just ask 10 women in your life what caused them to break up with their last man. I would bet money that 9 out of 10 use the word "abusive" or "controlling" when they start talking.
A season, a reason or a lifetime... It's all good. I tend to be someone that's very invested in my friends. I also find that a number of those friends are not as invested in me. Its those friends that i put less time into the relationship and then they just naturally fall away. It's painful at times but it's also a part of life. I'm more at ease now than in the past and I'm happy that i have the sense to care for myself properly.
This is normal. We tend to form friendships based on who and where we are in life, and in your case, your ships have passed each other for now. No need to burn bridges. Keep the door open because just you might circle back to each other.
I like this. And if you feel like the texts and emails are stressful, another commenter suggested to say something like, “I’m taking a break from texting.” Something along those lines isn’t necessarily burning a bridge but controlling one behavior.
All of my friends have come and gone throughout my entire life. I'm 46 now. I'm realizing that I'm not exactly in the minority of people who's friends come & go throughout their lives. Heartbreaking but true for so many people throughout this life ....
My best friend of well, since 1992, doesn’t have anything to do with me anymore. She’s had keys to my apartment, knows my immediate family, she knows everything about me. I wished her Merry Christmas this past Christmas. She did text me back, but she will not meet me for lunch, and I have no idea why. It’s hurt me so much. However, I know I haven’t done anything to her. I’ve been there for her for some horrible things in her life. But, I finally have accepted it. As much as it hurts, and I will probably never know the answer, I have had to accept it. I now have a wonderful friendship with my best friend in the world, she has a new grandbaby, and I’m enjoying the life I have now. I had to let her go. If she ever needs me, she knows where I am.❤
I font agree with your last sentence, you’re selling yourself short to leave the door open to someone who made it obvious they want nothing to do with you
I have a friend actively doing this to me. I have asked what is going on, if I’ve done anything to offend her and she always comes back with everything is normal and fine. We’re been there for each other for some significant things. Good and bad. It hurts so bad.
Was ghosted by someone I considered a very good friend 12 years ago. I have no idea why. Might seem odd, but I still dream about reuniting and asking "why." I think my brain is just trying to work through unresolved hurt and that triggers the dream.
Every so many years, I did a "relationship house cleaning" where I examined my relationships to let go of those that were unhealthy, one-sided friendships. I would remain friendly when bumping into them and engage in conversation, but I would no longer initiate contact for activities and just let things fade slowly. I would occasionally get calls or emails from them, but they were always what they had been in past - When they were only in need of something/a favor I could do. After a couple of years, they seemed to have gotten the message.
I had to end a friendship that was 20+ years long. We never had much in common. We lived 1000s of miles away from each other, and didn't see each other for years. She would call me her best friend, and yet didn't ever ask about my life, didn't remember my children's names, she wouldn't share details about her life, yet she would expect me to just know things about her and her family. I realized we were not friends and she was toxic. It got to the point where she would text me every morning between 3 and 5 am, saying the exact same thing every morning. She would copy and paste every morning, while I was sleeping. It was too much, it felt like the twilight zone, and I dreaded looking at my phone. I had to eventually tell her I was taking a break from texting, and I just never could bring myself to ever text her again. I do not regret not speaking to her again, it was a relief, and something I had to do for my sanity.
I had to drop two girlfriends of 30+ years friendship for this very same reason. Both of them would call me at lunch (at least not when sleeping like yours, my condolences for that). I dropped their behinds and I don’t regret it at all.
@@irinacar I'm glad you were able to end toxic friendships as well. It's not easy, but necessary for our own health. Thank you for your condolences, that really was strange to go through. Have a blessed day!
This is a good reminder. I am so fortunate to have a set of girlfriends that can pick up where we left off 3,6,9 months ago and there isn’t any animosity or weirdness from either side. I cherish this now that I live out of state. It’s my turn to reach out to these wonderful ladies! I’ve been hibernating way too long 😊
Those kind of friends are awesome! There’s one friend that I only talk to a couple times and when we’re back together that’s exactly how it is. It’s nice because you’re busy with life and raising kids, etc
Life happens, priorities change especially when you have children. I was never lucky enough to find a good mate and have kids like my friends did. But i understsnd when you a family they are your 1st priority as they should be. Nothing but love and best wishes for my friends ftom the past.
Good advice, John, but I feel like she really doesn’t want this friend in her life anymore. She was looking for advice on how to cut her out of her life.
Yeah, ignoring one person versus the hundreds he has in his life wasn't a great comparison at all. It's best that she sends a message and block the woman's number if she feels she can no longer be friends. But ignoring messages and phone calls is just cruel.
@@uscitizen3252 Yeah, this wasn't "Oh one or both of us has exploded in popularity/renown and are now just thoroughly overwhelmed with the number of people demanding our time." This was "oh, we now have a geographic divide that *I* try to bridge when I'm near her, but she doesn't." That is a deliberate choice. And it sounds like this has always been an unequal relationship, but it's only become obvious to her, now that the geography has made it more obvious. Luckily for the caller, the geographic distance will make it much easier for her to bow out gracefully, if she doesn't want a confrontation of any kind. If she does, she should just say "Oh hey, how come you didn't tell me when you were in town?" and let that conversation roll how it will, and just accept that, by the end of it, you might not be friends anymore.
@@verngrl Yes thank you. I usually love Johns advice n maybe this one hits me harder bc I had similar situation but was on the receiving end.. John talked too much about his own situation to the point where it was like enough already. We get your point and it was clear to me anyway that the caller has more to say but needed more time for John to pull it out of her with the additional questions he often asks. A huge part of this is the trip the friend n her boyfriend or husband made that was very close by but never informed her ahead of time that they would be in the area. Another key question is how long ago was here move and how far away? 3 hr car ride or 4 hr plane ride. Big difference. She also never said that the friend says anything rude or expressed unrealistic expectations of a return text/email or call. How many does she actually send without a response over how long a time period. 3 in a few days? 30 in a say? 3 in a week and you just feel weird bc you haven't returned it yet? Is she finding it hard to return the communication bc she is.going through the motions bc she is angry and hurt that the friend didn't ask to see her upon her visit to the area? I tbink she should have asked as maybe there was a really good reason? Or if you didn't like the reason you could easily say that as well and that it surprised you as you can't possibly imagine going where she lives and not wanting to see her. People who like each other as friends presumably do and live further away from each other now are usually eager for the opportunity to see one another. Not an obligation of course just want to. That obviously changed how the caller viewed the friendship and is not looking for reasons to end it. John is not only a man and men's friendships are very different and he also sounds like has far more going on then the average person n far more friends n acquaintances. Often he gives advice to people even men going through something very challenging and asks if they have good/close friends and when they often say they do as almost nobody wants to say no to this even if they don't or aren't quite sure what a close friend means, and then he urges the person to make plans with their friend (s) and actually tell them what's going on and what you need from them. He doesn't even say ask them but tell them..and sometimes he even urges them to tell their friends I might need help with them kids or someone to talk when I need to even at 12 am. WTF! Very few people, even close friends are going to do that. Especially male friend's. People have work the next day. They'll likely expect you to suck it up n text the next day and maybe they can talk to you on way home from work or go out for a beer a few days later. Their life is just as busy n hectic most likely..but if he thinks or expects friends to do this for people then people better stop getting rid of friends without conversation and problem solving and just pass off hurt feelings as "friends for a season" etc. Why not have the big conversation? Why is that so hard or have to be dramatic or confrontational and even if it turned out to be which we really can prevent it from being,at least we know and aren't guessing. These new friends may not be any better and what happens when they move or you move again? Yes some friendships can't survive a move, or marriage or children etc but many can all it usually takes is an honest n kind conversation. This woman is saying away from conflict and will continue to do this in many other areas of her life. If she were over the friend and was really just feeling guilt n unsure how to end it she would have sounded much happier with John's advice.
I think you are right about John’s advice missing the mark. It may be because women’s friendships are often more nuanced and complicated than friendships between men. Women have larger social circles, and often confide many personal or intimate details to a few friends, and often will keep in touch far more frequently. Many men can not understand why women speak to each other so frequently, and are themselves content with family interactions, and a few superficial friendships. To put it simply, despite his many skills, I don’t believe John had the skill set to deal with this particular subject, but wanted to give an answer. So he resorted to dealing with his own non related friendship issues, and we never had an opportunity to hear more about the caller’s story, and her resultant anxieties. I have only broken off 2 friendships in my life, ( and I am 65) and it caused me a lot of guilt , regret and anxiety. It had to be done, but it was a difficult decision and my life is much better without them.
I've had to do that twice- for a reason. Both were terrible gossips. One I walked in on while she was talking about the shirt I was wearing and how she thought the sleeves were too short. Another had been making comments about me on FB and my bff saw her back and forth messages with another person. I don't tolerate two faced people. I just stopped talking to them. I won't have ppl in my life that treat me badly, including family. ✌✌
I was ghosted by a friend 20+ years ago. She lived in another state and suddenly changed her phone number. I was totally gutted. Her husband friended me on FB, but never mentioned the sudden end. It took me years, but I finally stopped hurting. Then a year ago, she reached out to me on FB, asking me to call her. It took me a few weeks to finally decide to call her. She sounded exactly the same but too many years and too much hurt kept me from reestablishing friendship. I didn't ask why she ghosted me, honestly no longer cared. Thankful for the friends I have. ❤️
4:12 thank you so much Dr. Delony I needed to hear this today. Life gets super busy and as an adult my free time becomes so valuable. This couple down the street gets mad because I don't just drop everything to hang out with them. Like you I have a small handful of people (family, girlfriend, best friend that is like a brother) that I want to spend all my free time with and that couple is NOT on that list.
friends are friends for a reason; friends are friends for a season; some - very few friends, are friends for life. You are blessed if you have 3 of these. But remember - not every acquaintance is a friendship. I have a friendly-acquaintanceship with many. But true friendships are both directions. True friendship is a 2-way street.
There are chapters in life that people move in and out of…. We change, they change in ways that don’t always match up, Be kind to everyone you’ll always have friends.
Why do people end it with friends who “they don’t have anything in common with”? That makes no sense to me. None. I love to meet and know and have interesting people around. That would be so boring if someone was in the same life path/place as me.
*My friend of 14 years,* his fiancé told him that she slept with me and also another mutual friend after he broke up with her for cheating. He confronted me and made this huge scene in front of mutual friends. Weeks later when the dust settled she admitted that she lied to ruin his friendships and cause drama since she was angry with him. She was successful and It worked because we’re no longer friends and I didn’t care to mend the friendship after he realized she lied.
I wouldn’t let that witch of a person do that to your friendship. Yah you can tell him you’re hurt by what he did. And that it’s going to take some time for him to build trust, but give the witch what she wants? Nah. I’m way too stubborn to let some psycho get what she wants lol.
@@francestaylor9156 Yeah, we spoke after he found out she lied. I sucked because her confronted me in front of a bunch of other mutual friends who I’ve known for over 7 years, they kinda ganged up on me. That was the last time I saw all of them and I honestly didn’t care to mend those either. I had to convince him that if he believed half of what she said then it’s not worth it to keep company around that you don’t trust. I’m good, life goes on. I’ll at least attend their funerals since I’m on good terms with their parents.
I got blocked and ghosted by a very good friend of 25 years. I contacted her in a regular basis and I was there for her through many hardships and a messy divorce, move, etc. No explanation or discussion, just blocked and moved aside. It took a long time to get over it and was a very painful process
I told an old friend recently that I felt like the just in case friend. And every time we hung out, she was on social media the entire time. Totally addicted to people liking her post. We were really good friends before our children were born. But we are totally different people now.
I’ve learned to just be me in these cases and let them play out. If the person trying to contact you values you enough, they will learn you and operate with you accordingly (ie, not get annoyed when it takes you 3+ days to respond to a text). If they don’t value you a whole lot, they will move on and it will be good for both of you.
Me and my best friend have known each other since we were 8. Both 41 now and we went through a rough patch a few years ago due to family stuff and reconnected again 2 years ago. Best thing that happened. She is divorced now and her ex was a part of the problem. It makes me sad that we didnt talk for 2 years but im so glad we connected again. She is my ride or die!
Have a friend of 59 years. We still have a shared history and sense of humor. I still enjoy talking to her, but we have nothing in common anymore about religion, morality or politics. There are many topics we can't discuss anymore. We don't live near each other and I'm beginning to think we are phone friends but no longer visiting friends.
People use the word "friend" to loosely. Learn the difference between friends and associates. People often call someone a friend when that person just sees them as an associate.
Times change and people do too. Simple as that so, don't make it a bigger deal than what it is. Look busy with your life and she will get the hint. Goodluck
@wordsalad01 As someone who was ghosted from a friend who was several states away, I'd have to disagree. Wasn't expecting a sit-down. But some kind of acknowledgment would have been more kind. I've accepted the situation, but I took the ghosting part as a huge disrespect to me and whatever legitimate friendship we may have had. Because that's the thing. I now question whether there was anything genuine about what was a very important and formative friendship for me. There's no closure. In my case, it wasn't about being kind, it was 100% about what was easier for that person. An avoidant person being avoidant. It's cruel. Maybe it's different person to person. But I am one who prefers the truth. I would at least have been able to maintain some kind of respect for the other person if they could have just said they didn't want me in their life anymore. Instead, I feel discarded and treated like trash. It's hard for me to now not think of that person as trash, even knowing their personal wounds and avoidant behavior. Best of luck to them in their life I guess. I'll never know.
@@wordsalad01I don’t think bitter is a word that should be thrown around so easily. The poster sounds hurt and there’s nothing wrong with feeling hurt. She’s dealing with it in her own time and way. I think it’s important to be aware of responding to messages and being thoughtful of the language and intentions ones response. Maybe be a little kinder. Have a blessed day yourself 😊
@wordsalad01 I am admittedly bitter; I disagree on the incredibly part. But yes, I am still hurt and angry, something I know I need to work on. But I did not call my former friend trash, I said it was hard for me not to think of them that way. I know that is largely my emotions talking, but I think ghosting someone is trashy behavior. I think in some of the other comments on here, people are using ghosting in the wrong context. It's defined in the dictionary as "the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication." This was what happened in my situation. Not a natural fizzle. While I do think there was an element of growing apart at play which did need to be addressed, we were in regular contact, literally in one of those ongoing text conversations that lasted several days, and they just stopped replying and ignored me continually from that point. That's where my issue is. That's what I'm upset about - what I consider to be cowardice and disrespect to just cut off like that. I think I would have preferred they had told me to F-off. For me, that would have been more kind. It would have been a period at the end of a sentence rather than a question mark. But as Dr. John always says, behavior is a language, and that's essentially what they communicated in ghosting me the way they did.
@wordsalad01 I kind of trauma dumped in here a bit, having felt all the emotions come up when seeing some comments, so for that, I apologize. But it felt a bit cathartic to say all that in an anonymous public place. Thank you for your insights and perspective. I appreciate it.
After my grandmother passed away a few months ago, I noticed that the behavior of my grandfather and cousin had changed drastically. They actively stole from an inheritance that my grandmother left for her grandchildren. When called out, instead of correcting the discrepancy, they doubled down by calling out the people who noticed their wrongdoing and moving forward with their plans. It was at this time that I had an epiphany. My cousin's values collide with my own. We have diametrically opposite goals and don't appreciate loved ones in the same way. She also doesn't respect family members who are younger than her. My mother and grandfather (dad's father) encouraged a reunification. After the text messages came from my cousin to say that the money shaved wasn't a big deal and that the inheritance was never ours to get, it was a real watershed moment that I chose to leave the message on read, not to respond to any further messages from her, and disassociate myself from her from then on. Some things don't require a conversation if events leading to the break have already been negative. Just let it rest.
I have no friends because im tired of getting hurt and backstabbed. The only friend I thought cared just stopped texting and calling me for no reason 😢.
My wife and I needed this! 😂 We’ve been friends with a neighbor couple who live about 2 blocks away, for about 2 years. Recently, the guy admitted to me that he wanted to have an affair, had been talking to an old flame about having an affair. I told him that he needed to block this ex and tell his wife everything and work through it with her. My wife also said that if he didn’t tell his wife, she would. After a week, we know that he told his wife something (not sure how much of the truth, but that’s between them), and now the guy still wants to be my friend, but is disrespecting my wife. I think it’s time to break up this friendship, our wives can still be friends, but this guy is not who I thought he was.
I enjoy friendships, but they can't be too overwhelming or demanding. I can't be someone's be-all and end-all. I had a lady befriend me and she literally started taking over my life. She starting acting cray-cray and I just had to ghost her. I also need friends whose moral compasses align somewhat close to mine. Peace out.
Just set up boundaries. I told my former best friend, "I don't need a best friend." We didn't have anything in common anymore. 5 years later, we are different people and have reconnected. Growth is so important.
I have a "friend" like that. It always bothered me how unavailable she was but I was always available. I ended the friendship over email when I didn't have the courage to change it over the phone when meeting in person failed. She reached out years later saying she'd changed. We became friends again but she is worse now. I've learned to be open about how I feel but not push anyone away. I set boundaries and let people walk away because my boundaries don't fit their agenda.
So crazyyyyy, I was literally just having this inner dialogue with myself so went on YT to look for advice, and this was on my home page, uploaded 2hrs ago! Taking it as a sign!!!
I had this conversation with someone recently. It was a newer friendship but I think it’s all the same. Don’t do what Dr John is saying because not responding is just ghosting people and that’s rude as hell. Being an actual grown up is just telling the truth and you can do it nicely. I gave this guy plenty of hints but he didn’t pick up on them so when he texted me again I simply told him I had been busy lately, which was true, but ended it with I know you’re a good guy but let’s be honest we really don’t have much in common our outings consist of “catching up” because we don’t have much to discuss so I’ll do us both a favor and end the friendship here. I wish you nothing but the best. And wouldn’t you believe it he has a grown up response. He said “yeah I get it, thank you for telling me and not just blow me off. I wish you the best too”. it’s harder in our heads to end things then to actually end them or create a boundary depending on the situation. Even if a person is hurt because they felt differently than you that’s something they have to deal with at that point. It’s not your responsibility to walk them through their feelings.
This is one of the most wholesome replies I've ever read on a social media. Totally agree, we are adults, we are supposed to behave as such. If we deal with people whom we can have a confrontation with, why not?
Describing the Why behind the “where in your body…” question was super helpful to me. I saw a therapist after a particular trauma who insisted on opening with that question and I absolutely hated it. It always stopped me. I’d give it serious thought, but it just was not a helpful exercise for me. I now realize that she was likely more interested in what she thought she was achieving than actually hearing me. Maybe not. Who knows. Regardless, thank you.
As a massage therapist and recovering from significant trauma, body based questions have been so important in my work and life. It's not always comfortable for me but it has always been meaningful in sorting things out. Most people know more about their car than their own body.
Thanks John for the clear words. Together with the term "recovering people pleaser" your advice to Lisa about "from now on feel guilty when you overstep your own boundaries" was just spot on and very helpful to me for keeping and protecting my professional time boundaries. Some of my former clients try to reach out, want to "just chat and meet for coffee", practically always meaning: wanting to talk about their issues and get my professional coaching advice, but from now on for free. Great video, thanks a lot! Greetings from Germany!
Friendships don't necessarily demand something if they are based in general commitment to accept people where they will meet you. If you reach out and have a heart free of expectation, or give yourself freedom not be burdened by everyone else's expectation it makes relationships so much easier to navigate.
As soon as I completed the construction of my 4 million dollar custom home, a lifelong dream of mine. I lost 2 close friends. One was a friend of 15 years. The other was my closest cousin who had also wanted to build his dream home but couldn’t due to financing. I didn’t change, I remained humble. It seemed envy and jealousy changed them
Could be, but, maybe not. When we were young, we dropped two different couples when they moved to big homes in the suburbs. The reason was that we didn't reciprocate and invite them to our tiny, ugly house. We decided, (and perhaps, rightfully), that we were a drag on their new lives. In retrospect, that might not have been true.
@@deedebdoo It was obvious. One of my friends never even came to see my new house. I invited him and his wife for dinner and he was being odd and aloof. Never ended up coming. I guess he didn’t want to be seen as less than in front of his wife which is pretty insecure
What a great topic. I often worry that I’m not a great friend but I also don’t put pressure on people to do things with/for me. I’ve had friendships that have been on years long breaks but have reconnected. And others that are done. People change.
A long time friend of mine in the same profession failed at more than one job I referred to her. A great person who allows the perfect to be the enemy of the good enough. We drifted apart
Listening to Johns advice was such a comfort to me. I have had to end long friendships a few times. Recently, someone who I considered a close friend betrayed me on top of doing something over & over that I told her several times was very annoying. Here is what it was. A pet peeve of mine is when someone preaches to me. Especially because this person wasn't living a Christ like life. I was fine with it, though it seemed so hypocritical. She started preaching to me when we would go on a day trip, together. I would tell her that if I wanted a bible thumping sermon, I would go to church for it. Also told her that if she continued, I would have to stop spending time with her. No effect. She would begin speaking louder & louder. This would be during a 2-hour drive. We would be in her car so I couldn't get away. The last time she did this, I told her that I wouldn't be taking any more day trips with her. She and I had been friends for almost 7 years, had spoken of some very private, personal things. One thing in particular, which I had never told anyone before. She blabbed it all over town. I was so hurt, especially since I had told her that it was very private, that she was the only person I had ever told. So, it was definitely her. On top of the preaching, then the blabbing. I had helped her clean her house countless times; she wouldn't help me with my house. That was it for me, I was done. Sadly, it's been 4 years, I don't even miss her, never did. It was actually a relief.
I must say that COVID did me a favor. Three friends who I met monthly for dinner but were starting to show me we didn’t have too much in common anymore. Post-COVID, no one has tried to start up again. My life is good and I don’t miss them.
This video helped me so much; not dealing with a difficult friend but trying to navigate through setting healthy boundaries with my family 🤍 thank you Dr. Delony for your kindness and wisdom
Similar thing happened to my wife. She had a best friend, she was her maid of honor. After wedding my wife tried to stay in touch for years, no response. The friend reached out last year for the first time in a decade, I told my wife you can do what you want but I suggested just letting her go.
Same here, I didn’t officially say goodbye, only not make any contact. I would not call it a breakup, but moving a friend from Tier 1 zone to Tier 2. It’s not toxic relationship but simply our paths have gone to different direction
Sounds like the friend isn't respecting the relarionship as a friend. My sister went through this with a close childhood friend and it eventually just fades away anyway as people move on.
Friends go in different directions. I used to talk to my best friend, daily. One day, I asked him if he knew you could take out 401k penalty free. He took $100k and I barely hear from him for the next two years. I heard from him when the money was gone. Last year, he took $75k home equity. I don't hear from him anymore. I'm guessing he will contact me the end of 2025 telling me he is losing his home.
In some way shape or form, we have all been on both sides of this story. I appreciate John for acknowledging that it's really her that needs to do the work on her anxiety and how she responds to that friend. This was really helpful to me in two ways. It showed me how to manage my anxiety when I am unable to respond or be the person that I want to be and to just show up how I can, effectively communicating in a way that is not final. It also shows me that a lot of people who have broken up with me did not have these tools, and I should not take it personal
I moved a few times, and I still miss many of the friendships. They didn't travel and I only traveled back "home". I cut strings with two people without regrets. Recently, I reconnected with someone I met in 1977, and he lives in Spain. I am blessed with newer and old friends and treasure each of them.
You can outgrow friends and that’s ok. As we all change and grow, everyone isn’t willing to be on that journey with you…and most times, moving them out of the way for your inner peace is best anyway.
This woman isn’t saying so, but I’m sure she is pissed off at her friend for all the times she hasn’t been there. It is so hard for women to express anger toward friends. I am in the same situation.
You don’t have to stayed tied to a friendship that takes more from you (significantly) than you get out of it. You don’t have to give ANY explanation if it’s only going to suck you back in. It’s OK to walk away. I’ve tried the fade out….and it took me years…..but I recently walked away from an unhealthy friendship without turning back. It was exactly what I needed to do.
I had a friend since grade 8. She ghosted me a few years back & it hurt like hell. I suspected it was her husband who made her (we had very different political views) but who knows. It’s fine now, her loss, she lost that friend who would have taken a call from her at 3am.
I handled by saying we need to take a break. I blocked her phone, removed from fb friends, sent a text saying adult things. My expectations aren’t being met … in fact you’ve put me last when you’re in town.
Although I completely understand where the caller is coming from, I'd like to hear what her friend's reason was. Maybe the friend was in a hurry and on a tight schedule when they were in town, and that's why they didn't say anything? Or maybe the friend has bad social cues that she is completely unaware that her actions are hurting the caller. I really hope they talk about it and the caller can stand her ground. If the person is a true friend, she would understand. If she brushes off the caller's feeling and accuses her of being hypersensitive, then she's not a friend.
You did your friend a favor. Friends who do petty things like the way you do is unacceptable and toxic. I wonder what you do to people whom you work with to get your way.
@@dabd8175 when toxic people are toxic aka not being truthful and not meeting certain characteristics of what a friend is, then to protect oneself, one does the boundary thing.
I didnt really break up with 2 friends....but after years of letting them use me, I drew the line. They quit calling. One woman was a so-called friend for over 20 years.
Necessary Endings by Dr. Henry Cloud.....Answers who, why, where , how etc. A long time sincere relationship can be ended in a healthy way. Doesn't mean is is easy or doesn't hurt.
Silence is golden, especially in this situation. Seems like it’s best to let it fizzle out and leave it be. Explanations are not needed. If there is not courtesy to let you know she is in town but you always let them know when you’re in town, then the writing is on the wall. Let it go and move on.
I think it’s best to just stop being available always be busy and have other plans. Don’t respond to texts or every text and take longer to if you do redoing. I don’t think having the talk will be beneficial
I sooo need this one!!! I have trouble with the let go!!! When bad things happened and I’m like yikes! Had a friend that told me they have feelings for me and I’m like no no no. It has hurt me so much and told him to befriend me! Ugh. People need to be honest! Teach that so answer and say why then leave! COWARDS ARE SO UNATTRACTIVE ! Be honest! I feel like I need to answer too. I’m trying to be better with letting it go!
I kind of grow out of friends as I get older. I have stopped taking to « old friends » that I have known for more than 20 years. We just don’t have anything in common anymore. Sad but true.
I tried to let a friendship phase out but with text groups, facebook and proximity it felt like I was trapped into this friendship. I HAD to be blunt and tell them I wasn’t the friend they needed and I was sorry but I had to cut off all contact. It was brutal I am sure. And my other friends thought it was harsh but I needed this person out of my head and life. I was done with the drama they created and we had nothing in common anymore. I didn’t feel valued anyway in the relationship. So I texted a long text that was real and never replied to their text after. I blocked on Facebook and left the text group. It was done and I had SO much relief! It was a great! It is hard to break up with a friend. I hope this is the only time I will have to do that.
@@Lauren-vd4qe there's always underlying reasons. Poor mental health or physical health. I don't abandon ppl u been friends with for years. Especially best friends. If they screw u over in an unforgivable way that's different and it's unspoken u don't speak anymore. Maybe it's different for guys but breaking up is weird.
If you have someone in your life who's important to you and suddenly they stop talking to you, ask them what's up. Otherwise in a year or two you might catch yourself missing them & not knowing what happened. Maybe they're depressed.
Imagine your own father you see once a year coming to town, and doesn’t bother calling you to stop in and have lunch. Sibling lived in town and he saw them, but I did not know. My relationship…
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‘We just don’t have that much in common anymore’ is what my longtime friend told me. It was heartbreaking but she was right.
That’s what I my wife of 7 years 10+ years together said. My reply was, ok let me help load your stuff into a vehicle, best of luck with your new guy. 🤣👋
@@DansyoungGood on you , mate ! I will bet her mouth dropped open .
It happens, and it doesn’t necessarily mean anyone did anything wrong. People change.
@@texasdazzlers Exactly, a lot of women will go with the best current offer, it doesn’t matter how much you love them, how much you have done for them or even who you are.
@@dabd8175 you've got.... some major issues 😒 maybe look inward, you don't *have* to just randomly lash out where it's not warranted, very disordered behavior
My husband’s childhood friend reached out to him and left a message. At the time my husband was so busy with work and family he forgot and/or didn’t return his phone call. My husband found out later that he had died of cancer. I think the friend was reaching out to tell my husband that he was very sick. Up to this date he feels guilty for not returning his phone call.
Whoa... that's intense.. damn.
When was the last time they had talked? Why feel guilty about someone you havn't talked to in 40 years?
If I don't speak to somone regularly then I don't assume they're a friend. An acquaintance at best. But if someone disappears and the resurrects, I'm not giving them the time of day. If your life was fine without me then continue to be without me. I don't entertain one sided relationships be it romantic, friendship, business, etc. It's called boundaries
@@user_abcxyzz sir, i think everyone will create boundaries with you
It's natural the way he feels, but it's not his fault, he didn't know the nature of the call.
I’m learning to let others down instead of always letting myself down to please others.
That sounds incredibly freeing. I’m not there yet. Good for you, that’s awesome!
Learning the exact same. Such a liberating feeling. Like you can breathe easier. It can be very difficult but so worthwhile and gets much easier with time
40 years. Saw them through awful divorce, babysat kids and took them on vacation. When new hubby showed up and I began getting ghosted, only invited sometimes, then a no show again for a big event. It’s been seven years. I was tossed aside like trash. Last year I got several call, apologies, which I accepted. Then bit my tongue to not say “hey, let’s meet up”… because I now love myself enough to not be treated like I’m disposable if something better comes up.
I discarded a friend like yours did you, because I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with the father of my only son. I lost many contacts because of his suspicious jealousy. I really wanted to make our family work, but clearly could not. I wrote my friend some very secret notes towards the end of it, explaining my situation and that I was working on getting out. When I finally was out, she told me we did not have that much in common anymore, and she was right. Fast forward to today and we ended up in a meditation group together and are truly appreciating each other's presence. One thing I have learned, is the proof is always in the pudding. I forgave her, although it was painful, and she forgave me and we both did that work on our own. Also, I did nothing else that hurt her, and did nothing to reengage with her over the next eight years; we have friends in common, we saw eachother at some of the birthdays, were always polite. Anyways, props to you for actually being there for your friend when she needed you most. The worth of that goes into your karma bank regardless of whether she appreciated you or not. ❤
Good for you! There's no inner peace without self respect. 👍
@@wordsalad01 Seven months, I'd understand. Seven years? Nah.
All friends are disposable.
Maybe the husband was controlling who she could contact.
I think we ALL need to get comfortable with the idea that a phone is a convenience, not an obligation.
Really well put
That’s something that narcissist would say
@@steelearmstrong9616how is wanting personal space narcissistic? How is not wanting to be on call 24/7 narcissistic? Like I genuinely want to know how you came to this conclusion, or what extremely specific personal experience is coloring your opinion here.
It's exhausting how so many people expect a response within an hour and get wildly offended if I take 12 hours to reply
I'm single and dating is a nightmare. So many women can't handle the idea that I might want to spend my morning or evening NOT glued to my phone.
@@steelearmstrong9616your response is something an anxiously attached person who has been hurt by a narcissistic avoidantly attached person would say.
Friendships have to be cultivated or they die on the vine. But not all friendships are meant to last forever. Some friendships are seasonal and it's okay if they fizzle out and people move on with their lives. You don't have to have a "direct conversation" - just let the distance and geography slowly widen the gap. The friendship will naturally fade out over time.
Yes. All of this.
One way realized the friendship was no longer working for me was 1. When she called, she talked nonstop about her life. I could mute her and after 30 minutes of her nonstop giving me advice, or telling me who she had been advising, or never asking me one thing about my life…and if she did, she gave unsolicited advice. For years, I tolerated this behavior, and I was not content to communicate in one direction. Good communication is you talk, listen when I talk…ask questions…
that is sooo mean !
Cowardly though. Honesty is a good thing as people can move on and not waste their time. Time is more valuable than money. Don’t waste other peoples to be honest.
@@Portia620If you are the one always initiating contact then you have to let it fade. I hate feeling like I’m bothering someone.
Most of my long-term best friends we don’t have much in common, but we just enjoy the way we think and each other’s lives
Thats the way it should be 🩷
In reality, friendships also take work. Sometimes you also have periods when you don't quite like your friend and wish for new friends. But alot of times, sticking around will have you come out the other side with better appreciation for your friends and possibly with more friends if you also decided to not put all your feelings and need on one friend and chose to make time to explore.
I don't know if this is unpopular opinion, but I don't really enjoy seeing stories about friend breakup not especially in a society filled with lonely people. Instead of breaking up, add new friends. There is no limit to how many friends one might have , so what's the point of breaking up.
Same with mine. 35 years of friendship, we are all so different but we love what each of us brings to the table.
Yeah. Like people I can text with jokes but they are states away, are they friends? Or?
I got ghosted by a ‘friend’ after years of supporting her (leaving her husband/moving out/health problems etc etc). It was so painful at the time. Now looking back I can see she did me a massive favour - her ghosting me made me realise what a people pleaser I was and how I had tolerated some pretty awful behaviour from her towards me over the years.
As my husband always says to me: “You’ve got to stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”
One of my good male friends “broke up” with me because he wanted to take a new relationship with a girl he met seriously. I was super sad but I also knew that it was the right thing to do. 🥲 miss him a ton but he’s now engaged and close to starting a family. I’m really happy for him because this was all he ever wanted from life.
Sounds like he’s obsessed with the girl and terrified of losing her. That’s no way to live life.
Sorry but they doesn’t make any sense. Married people have friends too.
You did the right thing. Many married couples don't have individual friendships with the opposite sex.
@@karaa7595I was raised, as a single woman, to not have male friends who are married
All that tells me is that he probably liked you more than a friend and doesn't want temptation.
I’ve never had to break up with a friend but I have definitely had them fizzled out. Sometimes you grow apart and head down different paths and that’s ok.
When it feels good to have them out of your life- that's a good sign 👍👍
Yes it makes me feel
POWERFULLY HAPPY
I once broke up with my high school BFF who was a lying manipulating backstabbing coward and even other friends/acquaintances (because she didn't let me have any other support) and I felt SO FREE. I hadn't realised how much her bullying changed me.
I broke up with a friend of ten years, because she is very NARCISSISTIC and wants everything to revolve around her and her needs. In all those years, she kicked me out of her life several times, because of her ex-boyfriends, she never has been available to me, I am always the one who had to give in, help, console, give and she just took and took from me.
The straw that broke the camel's back was in December when it gave me a big reprimand about something that happened 7 years ago, in which I did nothing wrong to her, but she expected me to ask for forgiveness on my knees...
She filled my plate and I set limits for her that I had never set before, so she went crazy, blocked me and that was it. It was really a great relief that relationship ended, I freed myself from a parasite that sucked me in many sorts of ways and I don't miss it at all 😊
Well done 🥰 it’s hard because you don’t mind doing for others out of the goodness of your heart but not when it is demanded or expected.
Sounds like you chose you first. Great choice.
I’m finally getting there myself 😁
filled your plate? I'm not familiar with that phrase.
Similar thing happened to me, when you set boundaries with Narcs you see another side to them.
5-7 close friends?!?! That’s incredible. I have 0 near me and 1 who lives across the nation.
I guess I must be strong because this is the way I’ve lived my entire life. You’ve got to learn to do things on you own
A lot has to do with geography and location. When I lived in the croweded big city, I had a lot of friends even close ones. Now in my small town, friends are very few--just not a lot of people around here.
Right. I have 1 friend but that's it and I'm in my 50's. It's just not high school anymore where you have tons of people you can call and hang out with.
@@astrozoo exactly. Plus, John is John. A guy like that is gonna have a lot of people in his life. Great freaking guy!
I got two friends. I don’t see them. We talk. Via phone and text.
Same
She is hurt because her friend doesn't get together with her when her friend comes to town.I understand because I have been in that situation.She is now questioning whether or not to remain friends with the woman.Most people are only your friend when it is convenient for them.That is the sad reality.
There is a give-and-take in any relationship. Sometimes what you are expected to give is just too draining. I had a friend who was very very needy and she clung to me and demanded more and more of my time and attention . For the sake of my own health, I had to cut all ties with her.
I hate being ignored, and I hate ignoring others and think it's rude. I don't expect everyone to answer immediately, and I don't answer everyone immediately. On the other hand, I am not well-known like John is.
I think in a lot of groups, there is a 'well-known' person for whatever reason. It can get exhausting fending superficial connections off. Your cup can be full that it's not that deep and personal to you, but it can be for the other party no matter what you say because it's not what they want to hear. Anything with room for misinterpretation can start seeping into other facets of your life if there are loose ties connecting you. I've always lived in big cities so it's not unusual for that to happen and not replying is best.
oh, I agree with you. If you have access to me and my number, I wouldn't ignore you and or have the disrespect to ignore you. I would still take 2 seconds to say, "hey I'm busy and I'll reply later today." or "I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I'll reply when I'm ready."
But I had a similar situation with the caller in this video. I had to rip the band aid off because that friend, unfortunately, shown me multiple times that she does not respect me. And I tried to work things out with her and communicated multiple times, but she just did not change, and I had to have more self-respect and self-love to acknowledge that she will not respect me like I respected her.
I disagree. It is only in the few years of humanity that we all have 24/7 access to everyone. It's not fair and it's not ok for everyone you've literally ever met to have access to poke in on you at any time and you're expected to respond "in a timely manner". No sorry.
Please stop assuming ppl are ignoring you. It’s not all about you😊 ❤
@@7chanda I couldn't love your comment enough. Extroverts are literally killing introverts from taking away from them what they need to survive - solitude.
I just lost a friend after 31 years of friendship because he died. He moved away, moved back, moved away again, and moved back again. We tried to get together everytime he visited home. Most of the time, we could, but a few times life happened, and I didn't see him. I thought I missed him when he lived far away because we didn't talk very often, but nothing compares to the pain of never talking to him again. I would give anything to talk to him again. 😢
CRAZY timing, as I began contemplating breaking up with a friend just a few minutes ago. God must be telling me something.
Same here. I just woke up with a long-term close friend as well. Been feeling guilty about it even though I knew it was the right thing. Hoping this will help
There's no easy way do what's best for you. The other person will have to take it no matter how nice you try to do it.
You two are both right for sure.
So glad the caller asked this question. Been going through something similar. Had a friend for years and began noticing that her bad behavior was rubbing off one me and giving me anxiety.
I was also hoping this would turn into a great friendship but it just isn't.
A few years ago I had a 'breakup' with someone whom I had considered my best friend. This was a 25 year old friendship where I was 90% the initiator, I love entertaining (she hates it) so she has sat at my table for hundreds of meals, our children were friends (still are), she was really part of our family. Then she treated me so badly over a summer on 3 different occasions, I was deeply hurt by her but put my hurt aside and invited her and her boyfriend over for a meal. She came alone. We didn't communicate for 2 years after that and didn't see each other even though we live in a very small town (also Covid happened), she ignored my bday, but I messaged her on hers, wishing her happy birthday. I went through a difficult 2 years. Lots of tears, psychologist. I was devasted, but also felt very betrayed by her. After 2 years I found out from my daughter that this behaviour was brought on by something I supposedly said to her, which I don't know what I said because she never came and said that I hurt her feelings. She reached out on my second bday but by now 2 years had gone by, I was just starting to get over the pain that I was feeling, and I honestly felt that I could no longer trust her in our friendship. I was always the outgoing one, the talker, I told her almost everything, but I knew I could never go back to being open and vulnerable with her again. 4 years have passed, we have never spoken, we have seen each other twice in town with a polite 'hi'.
Still hurting a little but I channelled my hurt into self-therapy and have become an artist in the last 4 years, which brings me a lot of joy.
honest , your friend left because you droned on and on and on and on
I am so sorry. Something similar happened to me. What helped it realizing Jesus inviting everyone to his table, and he was poisoned. My counselor told me be very careful who you invite into your life and d into your home. What a lot of people don’t realize is that especially for women, many friendships last way longer than marriages do. It is often more devastating when they end. It is ok to grieve - maybe for the rest of your life.
I understand your reaction, perfectly. Of course you can't trust that person again.
Something similar happened to me, too. An older friend who always told me I was like a daughter to her. I've been a people-pleaser all my life, the first time I said no to her our relationship changed. We'd been through a lot together, been each other's confidant, a little refusal suddenly turned me into an enemy. I suffered a lot because of that
What did you say to her that hurt her feelings?
I had a friend who I found out lied about having stage 4 cancer. I am a cancer survivor. She also lied and had me believing her husband was abusive. I gently talked to her, and I told her with the history of lying, I was questioning the entire friendship. Trust is so important. If someone is a perpetual liar for attention, that is not a friend I want.
That is definitely someone you need to ditch. What a pathological liar. You can't do anything with zero trust.
I have been dealing with a relationship similar to that in my life. It is ongoing, but keeping a healthy distance and not asking them about their issues/giving them any open door to complain about new things has helped. I try to keep things positive.
" She also lied and had me believing her husband was abusive" so you were friends with a typical woman?.............
@nickdipaolofan5948 She had her Husband sent to jail and it came out she was not abused by him. She is far from typical.
@@ashlieleavelle the point of my comment is that 99% of women will accuse their exes of being abusive in some form or fashion. It IS very typical. Just ask 10 women in your life what caused them to break up with their last man. I would bet money that 9 out of 10 use the word "abusive" or "controlling" when they start talking.
A season, a reason or a lifetime... It's all good. I tend to be someone that's very invested in my friends. I also find that a number of those friends are not as invested in me. Its those friends that i put less time into the relationship and then they just naturally fall away. It's painful at times but it's also a part of life. I'm more at ease now than in the past and I'm happy that i have the sense to care for myself properly.
This is normal. We tend to form friendships based on who and where we are in life, and in your case, your ships have passed each other for now. No need to burn bridges. Keep the door open because just you might circle back to each other.
Unfortunately people aren't this mature.
I like this. And if you feel like the texts and emails are stressful, another commenter suggested to say something like, “I’m taking a break from texting.” Something along those lines isn’t necessarily burning a bridge but controlling one behavior.
All of my friends have come and gone throughout my entire life. I'm 46 now. I'm realizing that I'm not exactly in the minority of people who's friends come & go throughout their lives. Heartbreaking but true for so many people throughout this life ....
My best friend of well, since 1992, doesn’t have anything to do with me anymore. She’s had keys to my apartment, knows my immediate family, she knows everything about me. I wished her Merry Christmas this past Christmas. She did text me back, but she will not meet me for lunch, and I have no idea why. It’s hurt me so much. However, I know I haven’t done anything to her. I’ve been there for her for some horrible things in her life. But, I finally have accepted it. As much as it hurts, and I will probably never know the answer, I have had to accept it. I now have a wonderful friendship with my best friend in the world, she has a new grandbaby, and I’m enjoying the life I have now. I had to let her go. If she ever needs me, she knows where I am.❤
Is shs still alive?
Why not ask her why she is behaving this way?
I font agree with your last sentence, you’re selling yourself short to leave the door open to someone who made it obvious they want nothing to do with you
I have a friend actively doing this to me. I have asked what is going on, if I’ve done anything to offend her and she always comes back with everything is normal and fine. We’re been there for each other for some significant things. Good and bad. It hurts so bad.
Was ghosted by someone I considered a very good friend 12 years ago. I have no idea why. Might seem odd, but I still dream about reuniting and asking "why." I think my brain is just trying to work through unresolved hurt and that triggers the dream.
Accept it, free yourself and move on. It happened because it was meant to happen.
Every so many years, I did a "relationship house cleaning" where I examined my relationships to let go of those that were unhealthy, one-sided friendships. I would remain friendly when bumping into them and engage in conversation, but I would no longer initiate contact for activities and just let things fade slowly. I would occasionally get calls or emails from them, but they were always what they had been in past - When they were only in need of something/a favor I could do. After a couple of years, they seemed to have gotten the message.
I had to end a friendship that was 20+ years long. We never had much in common. We lived 1000s of miles away from each other, and didn't see each other for years. She would call me her best friend, and yet didn't ever ask about my life, didn't remember my children's names, she wouldn't share details about her life, yet she would expect me to just know things about her and her family. I realized we were not friends and she was toxic. It got to the point where she would text me every morning between 3 and 5 am, saying the exact same thing every morning. She would copy and paste every morning, while I was sleeping. It was too much, it felt like the twilight zone, and I dreaded looking at my phone. I had to eventually tell her I was taking a break from texting, and I just never could bring myself to ever text her again. I do not regret not speaking to her again, it was a relief, and something I had to do for my sanity.
I had to drop two girlfriends of 30+ years friendship for this very same reason. Both of them would call me at lunch (at least not when sleeping like yours, my condolences for that). I dropped their behinds and I don’t regret it at all.
@@irinacar I'm glad you were able to end toxic friendships as well. It's not easy, but necessary for our own health. Thank you for your condolences, that really was strange to go through. Have a blessed day!
Sometimes you need to weed the garden.
20 plus yrs! DAYUM! Sounds like u really struggled with boundary issues. I get it.
@@nancysteen9111 yes. I love that.
This is a good reminder. I am so fortunate to have a set of girlfriends that can pick up where we left off 3,6,9 months ago and there isn’t any animosity or weirdness from either side. I cherish this now that I live out of state. It’s my turn to reach out to these wonderful ladies! I’ve been hibernating way too long 😊
Those kind of friends are awesome! There’s one friend that I only talk to a couple times and when we’re back together that’s exactly how it is. It’s nice because you’re busy with life and raising kids, etc
Life happens, priorities change especially when you have children. I was never lucky enough to find a good mate and have kids like my friends did. But i understsnd when you a family they are your 1st priority as they should be. Nothing but love and best wishes for my friends ftom the past.
Good advice, John, but I feel like she really doesn’t want this friend in her life anymore. She was looking for advice on how to cut her out of her life.
Yeah, ignoring one person versus the hundreds he has in his life wasn't a great comparison at all. It's best that she sends a message and block the woman's number if she feels she can no longer be friends. But ignoring messages and phone calls is just cruel.
That's not what she said.
@@uscitizen3252 Yeah, this wasn't "Oh one or both of us has exploded in popularity/renown and are now just thoroughly overwhelmed with the number of people demanding our time." This was "oh, we now have a geographic divide that *I* try to bridge when I'm near her, but she doesn't." That is a deliberate choice. And it sounds like this has always been an unequal relationship, but it's only become obvious to her, now that the geography has made it more obvious. Luckily for the caller, the geographic distance will make it much easier for her to bow out gracefully, if she doesn't want a confrontation of any kind. If she does, she should just say "Oh hey, how come you didn't tell me when you were in town?" and let that conversation roll how it will, and just accept that, by the end of it, you might not be friends anymore.
@@verngrl Yes thank you. I usually love Johns advice n maybe this one hits me harder bc I had similar situation but was on the receiving end.. John talked too much about his own situation to the point where it was like enough already. We get your point and it was clear to me anyway that the caller has more to say but needed more time for John to pull it out of her with the additional questions he often asks. A huge part of this is the trip the friend n her boyfriend or husband made that was very close by but never informed her ahead of time that they would be in the area. Another key question is how long ago was here move and how far away? 3 hr car ride or 4 hr plane ride. Big difference. She also never said that the friend says anything rude or expressed unrealistic expectations of a return text/email or call. How many does she actually send without a response over how long a time period. 3 in a few days? 30 in a say? 3 in a week and you just feel weird bc you haven't returned it yet? Is she finding it hard to return the communication bc she is.going through the motions bc she is angry and hurt that the friend didn't ask to see her upon her visit to the area? I tbink she should have asked as maybe there was a really good reason? Or if you didn't like the reason you could easily say that as well and that it surprised you as you can't possibly imagine going where she lives and not wanting to see her. People who like each other as friends presumably do and live further away from each other now are usually eager for the opportunity to see one another. Not an obligation of course just want to. That obviously changed how the caller viewed the friendship and is not looking for reasons to end it. John is not only a man and men's friendships are very different and he also sounds like has far more going on then the average person n far more friends n acquaintances. Often he gives advice to people even men going through something very challenging and asks if they have good/close friends and when they often say they do as almost nobody wants to say no to this even if they don't or aren't quite sure what a close friend means, and then he urges the person to make plans with their friend (s) and actually tell them what's going on and what you need from them. He doesn't even say ask them but tell them..and sometimes he even urges them to tell their friends I might need help with them kids or someone to talk when I need to even at 12 am. WTF! Very few people, even close friends are going to do that. Especially male friend's. People have work the next day. They'll likely expect you to suck it up n text the next day and maybe they can talk to you on way home from work or go out for a beer a few days later. Their life is just as busy n hectic most likely..but if he thinks or expects friends to do this for people then people better stop getting rid of friends without conversation and problem solving and just pass off hurt feelings as "friends for a season" etc. Why not have the big conversation? Why is that so hard or have to be dramatic or confrontational and even if it turned out to be which we really can prevent it from being,at least we know and aren't guessing. These new friends may not be any better and what happens when they move or you move again? Yes some friendships can't survive a move, or marriage or children etc but many can all it usually takes is an honest n kind conversation. This woman is saying away from conflict and will continue to do this in many other areas of her life. If she were over the friend and was really just feeling guilt n unsure how to end it she would have sounded much happier with John's advice.
I think you are right about John’s advice missing the mark. It may be because women’s friendships are often more nuanced and complicated than friendships between men. Women have larger social circles, and often confide many personal or intimate details to a few friends, and often will keep in touch far more frequently. Many men can not understand why women speak to each other so frequently, and are themselves content with family interactions, and a few superficial friendships. To put it simply, despite his many skills, I don’t believe John had the skill set to deal with this particular subject, but wanted to give an answer. So he resorted to dealing with his own non related friendship issues, and we never had an opportunity to hear more about the caller’s story, and her resultant anxieties. I have only broken off 2 friendships in my life, ( and I am 65) and it caused me a lot of guilt , regret and anxiety. It had to be done, but it was a difficult decision and my life is much better without them.
I've had to do that twice- for a reason. Both were terrible gossips. One I walked in on while she was talking about the shirt I was wearing and how she thought the sleeves were too short. Another had been making comments about me on FB and my bff saw her back and forth messages with another person. I don't tolerate two faced people. I just stopped talking to them. I won't have ppl in my life that treat me badly, including family. ✌✌
I was ghosted by a friend 20+ years ago. She lived in another state and suddenly changed her phone number. I was totally gutted. Her husband friended me on FB, but never mentioned the sudden end. It took me years, but I finally stopped hurting. Then a year ago, she reached out to me on FB, asking me to call her. It took me a few weeks to finally decide to call her. She sounded exactly the same but too many years and too much hurt kept me from reestablishing friendship. I didn't ask why she ghosted me, honestly no longer cared. Thankful for the friends I have. ❤️
4:12 thank you so much Dr. Delony I needed to hear this today.
Life gets super busy and as an adult my free time becomes so valuable. This couple down the street gets mad because I don't just drop everything to hang out with them. Like you I have a small handful of people (family, girlfriend, best friend that is like a brother) that I want to spend all my free time with and that couple is NOT on that list.
friends are friends for a reason; friends are friends for a season; some - very few friends, are friends for life. You are blessed if you have 3 of these. But remember - not every acquaintance is a friendship. I have a friendly-acquaintanceship with many. But true friendships are both directions. True friendship is a 2-way street.
There are chapters in life that people move in and out of…. We change, they change in ways that don’t always match up, Be kind to everyone you’ll always have friends.
Why do people end it with friends who “they don’t have anything in common with”?
That makes no sense to me. None.
I love to meet and know and have interesting people around. That would be so boring if someone was in the same life path/place as me.
If you cannot relate to someone, it's very difficult to keep a genuine friendship, that goes for relationships too
"It's not you, it's me" - George Costanza
Terrible phrase.
@@FreeSpirit47”it’s not me ,it’s you”. Fixed it for you
@@crazysolo95 Just as despicable. That's a retort I would expect from a juvenile, not a mature guy,
@@crazysolo95 Love this.. because it's true!
@@FreeSpirit47 I’m trolling you old fart. I’m doing better than you know
*My friend of 14 years,* his fiancé told him that she slept with me and also another mutual friend after he broke up with her for cheating. He confronted me and made this huge scene in front of mutual friends. Weeks later when the dust settled she admitted that she lied to ruin his friendships and cause drama since she was angry with him. She was successful and It worked because we’re no longer friends and I didn’t care to mend the friendship after he realized she lied.
I wouldn’t let that witch of a person do that to your friendship. Yah you can tell him you’re hurt by what he did. And that it’s going to take some time for him to build trust, but give the witch what she wants? Nah. I’m way too stubborn to let some psycho get what she wants lol.
@@francestaylor9156 Yeah, we spoke after he found out she lied. I sucked because her confronted me in front of a bunch of other mutual friends who I’ve known for over 7 years, they kinda ganged up on me. That was the last time I saw all of them and I honestly didn’t care to mend those either. I had to convince him that if he believed half of what she said then it’s not worth it to keep company around that you don’t trust. I’m good, life goes on. I’ll at least attend their funerals since I’m on good terms with their parents.
I got blocked and ghosted by a very good friend of 25 years. I contacted her in a regular basis and I was there for her through many hardships and a messy divorce, move, etc. No explanation or discussion, just blocked and moved aside. It took a long time to get over it and was a very painful process
I told an old friend recently that I felt like the just in case friend. And every time we hung out, she was on social media the entire time. Totally addicted to people liking her post.
We were really good friends before our children were born. But we are totally different people now.
"i feel guilty when i violet my own boundaries" is such a wise thing to say
I’ve learned to just be me in these cases and let them play out. If the person trying to contact you values you enough, they will learn you and operate with you accordingly (ie, not get annoyed when it takes you 3+ days to respond to a text). If they don’t value you a whole lot, they will move on and it will be good for both of you.
Taking more than a day to reply to a friend's text is downright rude but is perfectly ok if he/she is just an acquaintance.
Me and my best friend have known each other since we were 8. Both 41 now and we went through a rough patch a few years ago due to family stuff and reconnected again 2 years ago. Best thing that happened. She is divorced now and her ex was a part of the problem. It makes me sad that we didnt talk for 2 years but im so glad we connected again. She is my ride or die!
Have a friend of 59 years. We still have a shared history and sense of humor. I still enjoy talking to her, but we have nothing in common anymore about religion, morality or politics. There are many topics we can't discuss anymore. We don't live near each other and I'm beginning to think we are phone friends but no longer visiting friends.
People use the word "friend" to loosely. Learn the difference between friends and associates. People often call someone a friend when that person just sees them as an associate.
An acquaintance.
For men it's called "buddy."
Totally agree
Times change and people do too. Simple as that so, don't make it a bigger deal than what it is. Look busy with your life and she will get the hint. Goodluck
That's shitty. That's called ghosting. We should communicate with someone if we are going to do them dirty like that.
@wordsalad01 As someone who was ghosted from a friend who was several states away, I'd have to disagree. Wasn't expecting a sit-down. But some kind of acknowledgment would have been more kind. I've accepted the situation, but I took the ghosting part as a huge disrespect to me and whatever legitimate friendship we may have had. Because that's the thing. I now question whether there was anything genuine about what was a very important and formative friendship for me. There's no closure. In my case, it wasn't about being kind, it was 100% about what was easier for that person. An avoidant person being avoidant. It's cruel.
Maybe it's different person to person. But I am one who prefers the truth. I would at least have been able to maintain some kind of respect for the other person if they could have just said they didn't want me in their life anymore. Instead, I feel discarded and treated like trash. It's hard for me to now not think of that person as trash, even knowing their personal wounds and avoidant behavior. Best of luck to them in their life I guess. I'll never know.
@@wordsalad01I don’t think bitter is a word that should be thrown around so easily. The poster sounds hurt and there’s nothing wrong with feeling hurt. She’s dealing with it in her own time and way. I think it’s important to be aware of responding to messages and being thoughtful of the language and intentions ones response. Maybe be a little kinder.
Have a blessed day yourself 😊
@wordsalad01 I am admittedly bitter; I disagree on the incredibly part. But yes, I am still hurt and angry, something I know I need to work on. But I did not call my former friend trash, I said it was hard for me not to think of them that way. I know that is largely my emotions talking, but I think ghosting someone is trashy behavior.
I think in some of the other comments on here, people are using ghosting in the wrong context. It's defined in the dictionary as "the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication." This was what happened in my situation. Not a natural fizzle. While I do think there was an element of growing apart at play which did need to be addressed, we were in regular contact, literally in one of those ongoing text conversations that lasted several days, and they just stopped replying and ignored me continually from that point. That's where my issue is. That's what I'm upset about - what I consider to be cowardice and disrespect to just cut off like that. I think I would have preferred they had told me to F-off. For me, that would have been more kind. It would have been a period at the end of a sentence rather than a question mark. But as Dr. John always says, behavior is a language, and that's essentially what they communicated in ghosting me the way they did.
@wordsalad01 I kind of trauma dumped in here a bit, having felt all the emotions come up when seeing some comments, so for that, I apologize.
But it felt a bit cathartic to say all that in an anonymous public place.
Thank you for your insights and perspective. I appreciate it.
I hate people that break friends ship by just not answering calls.
What’s the alternative?
A longwinded chat to reach the same conclusion.
After my grandmother passed away a few months ago, I noticed that the behavior of my grandfather and cousin had changed drastically. They actively stole from an inheritance that my grandmother left for her grandchildren. When called out, instead of correcting the discrepancy, they doubled down by calling out the people who noticed their wrongdoing and moving forward with their plans. It was at this time that I had an epiphany. My cousin's values collide with my own. We have diametrically opposite goals and don't appreciate loved ones in the same way. She also doesn't respect family members who are younger than her. My mother and grandfather (dad's father) encouraged a reunification. After the text messages came from my cousin to say that the money shaved wasn't a big deal and that the inheritance was never ours to get, it was a real watershed moment that I chose to leave the message on read, not to respond to any further messages from her, and disassociate myself from her from then on. Some things don't require a conversation if events leading to the break have already been negative. Just let it rest.
I have no friends because im tired of getting hurt and backstabbed. The only friend I thought cared just stopped texting and calling me for no reason 😢.
That hurts.
@Bright_Broccoli yes it makes me sad because she's been in my life since college and we've been through so much together
I feel that, almost all of my "friends" stopped communicating with me after I moved.
I’m so sorry. You deserve community and support. I hope you find it. But I’m proud of you for taking care of yourself and prioritizing your needs.
Have you made attempts to call her?
My wife and I needed this! 😂 We’ve been friends with a neighbor couple who live about 2 blocks away, for about 2 years. Recently, the guy admitted to me that he wanted to have an affair, had been talking to an old flame about having an affair. I told him that he needed to block this ex and tell his wife everything and work through it with her. My wife also said that if he didn’t tell his wife, she would. After a week, we know that he told his wife something (not sure how much of the truth, but that’s between them), and now the guy still wants to be my friend, but is disrespecting my wife. I think it’s time to break up this friendship, our wives can still be friends, but this guy is not who I thought he was.
sucks honestly, but your wife should have minded her own business
@@commentatorefautitivo- what?! He’s force to be an honest person with his wife and you blame OP’s wife? Madness.
I enjoy friendships, but they can't be too overwhelming or demanding. I can't be someone's be-all and end-all. I had a lady befriend me and she literally started taking over my life. She starting acting cray-cray and I just had to ghost her. I also need friends whose moral compasses align somewhat close to mine. Peace out.
Just set up boundaries. I told my former best friend, "I don't need a best friend." We didn't have anything in common anymore. 5 years later, we are different people and have reconnected. Growth is so important.
I once had a therapist who kind of derides adults who talk of BFF’s. In retrospect I kind of agree. Is there an official rating scale?
I have a "friend" like that. It always bothered me how unavailable she was but I was always available. I ended the friendship over email when I didn't have the courage to change it over the phone when meeting in person failed.
She reached out years later saying she'd changed. We became friends again but she is worse now.
I've learned to be open about how I feel but not push anyone away. I set boundaries and let people walk away because my boundaries don't fit their agenda.
So crazyyyyy, I was literally just having this inner dialogue with myself so went on YT to look for advice, and this was on my home page, uploaded 2hrs ago! Taking it as a sign!!!
I had this conversation with someone recently. It was a newer friendship but I think it’s all the same. Don’t do what Dr John is saying because not responding is just ghosting people and that’s rude as hell. Being an actual grown up is just telling the truth and you can do it nicely. I gave this guy plenty of hints but he didn’t pick up on them so when he texted me again I simply told him I had been busy lately, which was true, but ended it with I know you’re a good guy but let’s be honest we really don’t have much in common our outings consist of “catching up” because we don’t have much to discuss so I’ll do us both a favor and end the friendship here. I wish you nothing but the best. And wouldn’t you believe it he has a grown up response. He said “yeah I get it, thank you for telling me and not just blow me off. I wish you the best too”. it’s harder in our heads to end things then to actually end them or create a boundary depending on the situation. Even if a person is hurt because they felt differently than you that’s something they have to deal with at that point. It’s not your responsibility to walk them through their feelings.
💯 love this!
@@luludee1300 some poeple are just not worth responding to. some text messages are not even worth reading. so the ghost
This is one of the most wholesome replies I've ever read on a social media. Totally agree, we are adults, we are supposed to behave as such. If we deal with people whom we can have a confrontation with, why not?
Describing the Why behind the “where in your body…” question was super helpful to me.
I saw a therapist after a particular trauma who insisted on opening with that question and I absolutely hated it. It always stopped me. I’d give it serious thought, but it just was not a helpful exercise for me. I now realize that she was likely more interested in what she thought she was achieving than actually hearing me. Maybe not. Who knows.
Regardless, thank you.
As a massage therapist and recovering from significant trauma, body based questions have been so important in my work and life.
It's not always comfortable for me but it has always been meaningful in sorting things out.
Most people know more about their car than their own body.
Thanks John for the clear words. Together with the term "recovering people pleaser" your advice to Lisa about "from now on feel guilty when you overstep your own boundaries" was just spot on and very helpful to me for keeping and protecting my professional time boundaries. Some of my former clients try to reach out, want to "just chat and meet for coffee", practically always meaning: wanting to talk about their issues and get my professional coaching advice, but from now on for free.
Great video, thanks a lot! Greetings from Germany!
Friendships don't necessarily demand something if they are based in general commitment to accept people where they will meet you. If you reach out and have a heart free of expectation, or give yourself freedom not be burdened by everyone else's expectation it makes relationships so much easier to navigate.
As soon as I completed the construction of my 4 million dollar custom home, a lifelong dream of mine. I lost 2 close friends. One was a friend of 15 years. The other was my closest cousin who had also wanted to build his dream home but couldn’t due to financing. I didn’t change, I remained humble. It seemed envy and jealousy changed them
Could be, but, maybe not. When we were young, we dropped two different couples when they moved to big homes in the suburbs. The reason was that we didn't reciprocate and invite them to our tiny, ugly house. We decided, (and perhaps, rightfully), that we were a drag on their new lives. In retrospect, that might not have been true.
@@deedebdoo
It was obvious. One of my friends never even came to see my new house. I invited him and his wife for dinner and he was being odd and aloof. Never ended up coming. I guess he didn’t want to be seen as less than in front of his wife which is pretty insecure
What a great topic. I often worry that I’m not a great friend but I also don’t put pressure on people to do things with/for me. I’ve had friendships that have been on years long breaks but have reconnected. And others that are done. People change.
A long time friend of mine in the same profession failed at more than one job I referred to her. A great person who allows the perfect to be the enemy of the good enough. We drifted apart
Listening to Johns advice was such a comfort to me. I have had to end long friendships a few times. Recently, someone who I considered a close friend betrayed me on top of doing something over & over that I told her several times was very annoying.
Here is what it was.
A pet peeve of mine is when someone preaches to me. Especially because this person wasn't living a Christ like life. I was fine with it, though it seemed so hypocritical. She started preaching to me when we would go on a day trip, together. I would tell her that if I wanted a bible thumping sermon, I would go to church for it. Also told her that if she continued, I would have to stop spending time with her. No effect. She would begin speaking louder & louder. This would be during a 2-hour drive. We would be in her car so I couldn't get away. The last time she did this, I told her that I wouldn't be taking any more day trips with her.
She and I had been friends for almost 7 years, had spoken of some very private, personal things. One thing in particular, which I had never told anyone before. She blabbed it all over town. I was so hurt, especially since I had told her that it was very private, that she was the only person I had ever told.
So, it was definitely her.
On top of the preaching, then the blabbing. I had helped her clean her house countless times; she wouldn't help me with my house.
That was it for me, I was done.
Sadly, it's been 4 years, I don't even miss her, never did. It was actually a relief.
Sounds like you handled it perfectly.
@@truthbetold6942
I must say that COVID did me a favor. Three friends who I met monthly for dinner but were starting to show me we didn’t have too much in common anymore. Post-COVID, no one has tried to start up again. My life is good and I don’t miss them.
This video helped me so much; not dealing with a difficult friend but trying to navigate through setting healthy boundaries with my family 🤍 thank you Dr. Delony for your kindness and wisdom
Similar thing happened to my wife. She had a best friend, she was her maid of honor. After wedding my wife tried to stay in touch for years, no response. The friend reached out last year for the first time in a decade, I told my wife you can do what you want but I suggested just letting her go.
Same here, I didn’t officially say goodbye, only not make any contact. I would not call it a breakup, but moving a friend from Tier 1 zone to Tier 2. It’s not toxic relationship but simply our paths have gone to different direction
Have the talk with your "friend " . If she's a friend she will understand, and if not you've done your part.
Sounds like the friend isn't respecting the relarionship as a friend. My sister went through this with a close childhood friend and it eventually just fades away anyway as people move on.
Friends go in different directions. I used to talk to my best friend, daily. One day, I asked him if he knew you could take out 401k penalty free. He took $100k and I barely hear from him for the next two years. I heard from him when the money was gone. Last year, he took $75k home equity. I don't hear from him anymore. I'm guessing he will contact me the end of 2025 telling me he is losing his home.
This is a great topic!
In some way shape or form, we have all been on both sides of this story. I appreciate John for acknowledging that it's really her that needs to do the work on her anxiety and how she responds to that friend. This was really helpful to me in two ways. It showed me how to manage my anxiety when I am unable to respond or be the person that I want to be and to just show up how I can, effectively communicating in a way that is not final. It also shows me that a lot of people who have broken up with me did not have these tools, and I should not take it personal
I'm sure this has been so helpful for many of us! Thanks...🥰
57 years, and nothing in common but history. Sad, but I hate the way I feel when I'm around them.
I moved a few times, and I still miss many of the friendships. They didn't travel and I only traveled back "home". I cut strings with two people without regrets. Recently, I reconnected with someone I met in 1977, and he lives in Spain. I am blessed with newer and old friends and treasure each of them.
You can outgrow friends and that’s ok. As we all change and grow, everyone isn’t willing to be on that journey with you…and most times, moving them out of the way for your inner peace is best anyway.
This woman isn’t saying so, but I’m sure she is pissed off at her friend for all the times she hasn’t been there. It is so hard for women to express anger toward friends. I am in the same situation.
You don’t have to stayed tied to a friendship that takes more from you (significantly) than you get out of it. You don’t have to give ANY explanation if it’s only going to suck you back in. It’s OK to walk away. I’ve tried the fade out….and it took me years…..but I recently walked away from an unhealthy friendship without turning back. It was exactly what I needed to do.
I had a friend since grade 8. She ghosted me a few years back & it hurt like hell. I suspected it was her husband who made her (we had very different political views) but who knows.
It’s fine now, her loss, she lost that friend who would have taken a call from her at 3am.
I handled by saying we need to take a break. I blocked her phone, removed from fb friends, sent a text saying adult things.
My expectations aren’t being met … in fact you’ve put me last when you’re in town.
Lol. Nice.
yikes , well thats telling....
Although I completely understand where the caller is coming from, I'd like to hear what her friend's reason was. Maybe the friend was in a hurry and on a tight schedule when they were in town, and that's why they didn't say anything? Or maybe the friend has bad social cues that she is completely unaware that her actions are hurting the caller. I really hope they talk about it and the caller can stand her ground. If the person is a true friend, she would understand. If she brushes off the caller's feeling and accuses her of being hypersensitive, then she's not a friend.
You did your friend a favor. Friends who do petty things like the way you do is unacceptable and toxic. I wonder what you do to people whom you work with to get your way.
@@dabd8175 when toxic people are toxic aka not being truthful and not meeting certain characteristics of what a friend is, then to protect oneself, one does the boundary thing.
When friends walk away from you and treat you as if you are disposable it’s painful 😢 🇨🇦
Yes, I feel this...I say I am a recovering overgiver.
I didnt really break up with 2 friends....but after years of letting them use me, I drew the line. They quit calling. One woman was a so-called friend for over 20 years.
No John, good people don't just ghost. That's such a disgusting way to handle relationships.
I agree
I don’t agree. There are no breakups in friendship. You just fizzle out. Breakups are for committed romantic relationships
@nehneh5488 why?
Why not simply let the friendship die out?
Necessary Endings by Dr. Henry Cloud.....Answers who, why, where , how etc. A long time sincere relationship can be ended in a healthy way. Doesn't mean is is easy or doesn't hurt.
There are 3 people, when they call, I don’t answer, if they leave a voicemail, I wait a few days to listen, or not.
Silence is golden, especially in this situation. Seems like it’s best to let it fizzle out and leave it be. Explanations are not needed. If there is not courtesy to let you know she is in town but you always let them know when you’re in town, then the writing is on the wall. Let it go and move on.
I think it’s best to just stop being available always be busy and have other plans. Don’t respond to texts or every text and take longer to if you do redoing. I don’t think having the talk will be beneficial
I sooo need this one!!! I have trouble with the let go!!! When bad things happened and I’m like yikes! Had a friend that told me they have feelings for me and I’m like no no no. It has hurt me so much and told him to befriend me! Ugh.
People need to be honest! Teach that so answer and say why then leave! COWARDS ARE SO UNATTRACTIVE ! Be honest!
I feel like I need to answer too. I’m trying to be better with letting it go!
I kind of grow out of friends as I get older. I have stopped taking to « old friends » that I have known for more than 20 years. We just don’t have anything in common anymore. Sad but true.
I tried to let a friendship phase out but with text groups, facebook and proximity it felt like I was trapped into this friendship. I HAD to be blunt and tell them I wasn’t the friend they needed and I was sorry but I had to cut off all contact. It was brutal I am sure. And my other friends thought it was harsh but I needed this person out of my head and life. I was done with the drama they created and we had nothing in common anymore. I didn’t feel valued anyway in the relationship. So I texted a long text that was real and never replied to their text after. I blocked on Facebook and left the text group. It was done and I had SO much relief! It was a great! It is hard to break up with a friend. I hope this is the only time I will have to do that.
Learning how to use focus settings on my phone was the best thing ever
At least say something. Letting a former friend hang when they don't yet know they're a former friend is cruel, IMO.
That's all I wanted. I can accept her reason as her own, but I dont like guessing the reason. Worse.
Don't break up with friends that's weird
I agree with you . I would not break up with a friend , only a partner .
if pple treat you badly or with no respect then you shd off them.
@@Lauren-vd4qe there's always underlying reasons. Poor mental health or physical health. I don't abandon ppl u been friends with for years. Especially best friends. If they screw u over in an unforgivable way that's different and it's unspoken u don't speak anymore. Maybe it's different for guys but breaking up is weird.
How hard is it to just tell someone you aren’t attached to them anymore?
My friend sent me a nasty gossipy text (about me). I completely ghosted her. She was a difficult person to deal with anyway, so it was for the best.
Just do it and keep going. I gotten dumped so many times that it is what is.
If you have someone in your life who's important to you and suddenly they stop talking to you, ask them what's up. Otherwise in a year or two you might catch yourself missing them & not knowing what happened. Maybe they're depressed.
Imagine your own father you see once a year coming to town, and doesn’t bother calling you to stop in and have lunch. Sibling lived in town and he saw them, but I did not know. My relationship…