Yes, she gets right to the tools of how to help. It is good to have examples, but usually people don't need a lot of examples, they are looking for how to handle situations.
Thank you. Tomorrow I have to deal with a sweet little narcissist. I didn't know she was one until she tried to gas light me and deflect from the issue at hand which was her condescending behavior towards me. She doesn't think I know as much as I do about these types. I thought it was very interesting. When I professionally and diplomatically set my boundaries with her her reaction was "frustration". How interesting is that. She could not get around me or win the argument, and I kept her focused on the real issue, and I would not let her gaslight me or distract from what she had done. This frustrated her. How interesting she told me she was frustrated instead of feeling humbled or wanting to change her arrogant behaviors.
I am 35 years old. Just last week I realized my own mother has been gaslighting me my entire life! She actually talked me out of going to college, made me feel like I made so many mistakes with simple things, like cutting up veggies! Telling me "o I didn't think you were serious about that." After I thought I was very clear. Then my mind would fall for it, thinking "maybe she is right. I was wrong. Then I would apologize and she would play victim. I am now seeing her favor one of my children over the other. That is where it ends. I am done.
Ok, your mother and my mother are the same, and I also just realized it. I'm now replaying my childhood over in my head to try to see how far back it goes. My mother cannot ever admit to twisting the truth to the extreme. She will never apologize for denying her own words. It makes me feel like I am losing my mind. If I try to talk to her about it, she will start by interrupting me so I can't get my words out in complete sentences. The more I try to speak the louder she gets. She gets even more frustrated when I start calling her out in the moment. Her words become evil, just mean and she practically begins to growl. I'm so tired. I love my mother. If, and when we do get along, it's really good. I had a therapist who basically told me that my life would be better off if I stop expect8ng my mother to hear what I am saying, and pretty much stop expecting much of anything from her. She said I should move on.
This is Jennifer Sinclair. I am just like you - my mother has gaslighted me my whole life and I have fought her all my life and still do. I will NEVER give in just to keep the peace.
That's sad. I hope you find a way to observe her gaslighting, and recognize it's who she is. Using your energy to refocus and find a way out of the relationship seems wise, right?
My husband would do this constantly. He would also hide things to confuse me. Wed get home from Target and items would be missing. I finally went back to the store. He had hidden the items behind the register. He never brought what I asked for. Hed tear up my grocery list and try to convince me that I my memory couldn't be trusted.
i'm reading this and thinking it was only me. I'd ask for something and he would constantly say they didn't have it or I got this instead or I forgot that. Just so weird so I learnt not to expect anything.
Thank you for this video. I can see this maybe working to help a person get clear for themselves. I really wish this worked to actually stop the process though. in my experience, no matter how calmly and clearly spoken, this just results in another round, a spiral out, that gets more ridiculous with each round. No matter how calm I stay at each moment.
I am currently experiencing this with my wife. Im tired of always having to prove my honesty and loyalty when I'm not doing anything. I've lost my appetite and get headaches from all of the extra stress. It's hard trying to deal with someone so childish. She ignores me whether phone calls or face to face talking and that makes me feel worried and sick to my stomach when I go to work
Is this something new for her, or has this been the case and become worse? Having someone in your life who is constantly accusing you of things, and questioning your truthfulness IS extremely stressful when you're not doing anything wrong. What steps are you going to take to change these dynamics? Join in at forrelationshiphelp.com/circles if you want to join the conversations and get support.
I just want to say I'm so happy I came across your videos. I lived and had 3 children with what you call a hijackal for over 15 years of my life. I finally broke free from the toxicity, but found myself in a relationship with another one again years later! Truthfully I believe focusing on myself is the best for me right now and realizing I don't always have to "save" people.
I'm so glad you found my videos, too, if it's helpful to you. It is a pattern that we can change: attracting #Hijackals. And, you're absolutely right! You do not have to "save" anyone but yourself. I wish you well.
Im in a similar situation, I haven’t left yet because of finances and my kids that I won’t leave behind. I’m so ready to be happy again and drop that burden off my shoulders!!!
Don't waste thought on those who will subvert your self-esteem, implant false memories, or just generally "destroy you from within". Your obsessive desire to reach a resolution with a gas lighter, to beg for emotional recognition or argue for respect only gives them more leverage and time to work you. That desire for a resolution on THEIR terms was created by them in the first place to better control you. Any true peace will have to come from within, on YOUR terms. Every meaningful change begins in mindfulness, so distance yourself mentally from a gaslighter. Forego second thoughts, sending textbook messages, and especially "getting the last word". Obsessing over their past manipulations only serves to increase the power they have over your self esteem: before you wanted to please them, now you want revenge. Your mental health belongs to YOU. surround yourself with good, straightforward people, and listen to your body. Do you grind your teeth, chew your nails, or get inexplicable back pains around certain people? Cut them loose. Cut yourself loose. You deserve peace, safety, and autonomy. You are braver than you realize.
Problem with this is that many narcissistic people have worked their way up into powerful positions, where they are 'the leader' of the group, or play some kind of decisive role (managers, priests, parents, doctors, groupleaders of all kind, and their flying monkeys) If you 'cut contact' with them, you cut contact with the group too. If you stay, they will continue to manipulate, gaslight, control, deny, lie, impose their 'realities', rage, play victim, ... and most people of the group don't see through it. They surf along on the waves of the narcissistic strategies.
OMG you hit it right on the head, perfect . I have said why are you making things up and then he just starts screaming very loud and he won't allow me to finish a sentence or a thought . I am really learning a lot from these videos . Even in a friendly group setting he does not allow anyone to finish their thought he is so overpowering , tall with a big voice. but if I address any demeaning behavior towards me he blows up so loud screaming and I say " stop abusing me " and he says you are abusing me. He also has conversations with other people about me and my feelings and actions , and we talked (it was hard) and I told him that he just made up the whole thing up because he didn't talk to me about it or ask me my thoughts and feelings. He just KEEPS DOING THAT , totally making stuff up. We have been together 46 yrs and this is the new him ever since he sold his company , it went to his head, I suppose . He is becoming very hard to live with. He has even told other people " All I do is scream at him for anything he does " , That has never happened , he is the only screamer who doesn't like to be questioned .
So difficult...and unexpected! When people retire from high-level jobs, there is nowhere for the power they may have had to go. So, it often shows up at home. It's surprising that he is doing this in public as well. What you're experiencing sounds like more than a transition from worklife to retirement, though. More extreme. How's his health?
My Sister does this stuff to me. And also uses these responses to gaslight when she is held accountable. If she writes to me " I am sorry you are blindly led." Then it is.."I never said that. You are misunderstanding my intension. If you would like to know what I meant I would love to have a conversation about it.". She uses therapy type scripts to abuse instead of just protect.😱🤯😱🤯😱
Great explanation. How YOU SHOULD THINK AND FEEL YES YES YES AND YES!! I'm sick of it, worn down and sick. The effect ts of this behaviour are so far reaching its unreal. If you challenge them brace yourself for the tsunami that's going to come back
Today I had a very ugly fight with someone. It started from a trivial disagreement and he started gaslighting me and I got irritated, I explained to him to stop that because it's irritating, he did even worse and also blame shifting. I saw how my anger was growing gradually the more he repeated the same mindgame, I started screaming at him so badly because I felt like he doesn't listen because he wasn't. Meantime he was talking very quiet and calm but with that voice he was telling me this: " see? You're not listening. That's your problem! Look who angry you are, that's your problem! you have mental problem" I explained why I become so angry, what triggerd me and he responsed "I don't understand why are you so angry" I felt like I was going to loose my mind because I repeated more then 6 times the reason I got so angry and he still told me that he doesn't understand why I'm so angry. Finally I told him to get out of my house and never come back and that I never want to see him again. He was not angry at all, he was sad. Now I feel so bad because I was reacting like that, I know he provoked me (he told me "I'm annoying you because I like to see how you react" I responsed "see? I told you, you are doing it on purpose and you know why I got angry" then he said "I have no idea why are you so angry") but I feel very guilty now because I couldn't control myself. I'm ashamed of myself 🥺 because should've handle the situation better. About him.. I feel bad that I treated him like that even though I can understand his part of guilt too. Now... I don't know how to get rid of this shame and guilt feeling. Has anyone any suggestions? I don't want to go to him and apologise because he for sure will not admit his part of fault in this and I don't want to end taking all the blame on me. Please, help. I will apreciate a lot 🥺
It's the aftermath of gaslightning, the whole feeling bad stuff. What you did was the right thing to do, if that person keeps on spreading over the lies about your existence to his/her new friends, there will always be that time where some of them disagree their ideal look on what the person said from the actual person. What matters is that you're free and away from that ignorant person, and free to heal both you and your reputation by yourself. Plus, there's still people there that has their full heart to believe you and hear your way, it's not too late to come back up and walk your mistakes proudly, because you peep survived the bumpy path.
You did the right thing, otherwise all he was ever going to do was continue trampling over your being. Your wellbeing must be the most important thing in your life. If he can't respect that, or your boundaries, then he doesn't deserve a spot on the roster - period.
The narc was "sad" only because it lost it's "toy"....Normal people don't do that crap to someone they care about. You did the right thing and dodged a bullet. Hope you didn't take it back.
I dont think people should stay with a narc. My ex boyfriend got worse with the gaslighting and being unreliable and emotionally instable, the more he felt being out of control over me. He abused my weak spots. I told him about my childhood experiences and he just used it against me. What a DEVIL!!! It was hell for me.
I have been trying to understand if I am the Narcissist or He is? I feel like if I just say ok it would just be ok. This seems to go along with what I learn in Narcissism 😞🤯. So tired, so many headaches. Thank you for all your information- you are such a joy to listen to
You're welcome! Your question is one that most people with #Hijackals ask at some time. First, the #Hijackal likely tells you that you are a #narcissist, because they are projecting their fears about themselves. Then, you get so worn down from being torn down and blamed for everything that it all gets very confusing. It is highly unlikely that you are a narcissist. Narcissists don't even entertain the question of their narcissism, in most cases.
Yes, gaslighting is designed for the very purpose of causing you to second-guess yourself and question your sanity. You may want to rethink the relationship, right?
Omg...thank you I'm meeting my daughter's father for income taxes ..and I have to deal with his gas lighting...this makes it sooo much easier. My father was a gaslighter too.🙄
My family members always put down my choices..everything from now I look, what I buy, what I wear, who my friends are, my spiritual path, etc. For example, I bought an ivy plant. I told my sister. She said, " e mail me a picture of it". I did, she responded, " that looks like you went outside and brought any old bush inside! I said, " I like it! ". I'm tired of all the put downs!!!! I can't even share about a plant......!!!!!!!
Oh, that's not good! I can understand your frustration, for sure. I hope you have supportive, well-balanced friends to turn to outside of these family members. Often, family members have a vested interest in scapegoating a person. It's often a good idea to stop turning to them for encouragement and support. Can you?
It's a shame when you have to bring it down to their level for eg not sharing anymore. I understand 💯, it's sad bc there's no support within your own family 🤷 & you have to protect yourself
My mom once messaged me not to tell her about my life, because "all [I] do is create crisis." Two years later, she scolded me for not telling her things, so I reminded her what she messaged me. She denied it up and down, "I would NEVER say that!" But she did. I was with my ex-husband when she messaged me that, and we had held multiple conversations about it, because my mother has been a pain point in my life. I want a mom that I can talk to, who wants to know me. Every relationship I've had ended up having gaslighting in it. The current one doesn't seem to have noticed I stopped sharing anything, and gets annoyed when I am noticably upset "out of nowhere," as if every single issue had been resolved and adequately addressed when they brushed me off. Like....no, dismissing me doesn't actually resolve the problem. It only stacks it up and makes the relationship less safe. I don't know if I've ever been attached to someone who was real with me. I am strictly honest, and it seems like I find the people who can't appreciate that in me. They want me to lie, I won't.
Yup.Sad to say I have been married going on 24 years and he's gotten worse at gaslighting me.I never noticed before but now its as plane as day right in front of my face
I'm glad that you're seeing the patterns, so that you can make decisions about how to proceed in the relationship. It's unhealthy and manipulative, for sure. I wish you well.
The effect this has one someone who's been exposed to it all their life, or for many years, especially to a child is very damaging - it changes a person, and causes harm to them in many different ways until they learn differently. It has caused me to not only distrust & question what I feel and know is true, but it has caused problems that are sometimes even more damaging, like constantly worrying that people will not believe me or take what I feel or believe seriously, this is an awful feeling so I'm ALWAYS explaining myself, constatly providing proof of why I feel that way, as I've had to do that all my life - I grew up thinking that every feeling or thought I have, or anything I say has to be proven to others. I feel like I have to be perfect. I've always researched and learned about things so that I am able to explain them with the best knowledge available, as I feel like I have to prove it. Throughout my life, whenever I think or feel anything, I PUT MYSELF DOWN as if I'm taking over what my mom did, so every thought, idea, or feeling I have, I look at it like it's bad, wrong, stupid, ignorant, or the like, and I spend so much time looking for validation in books, the internet, and from others, as I think that I need proof, that my knowledge & experience is never good enough, even when it's something I know & understand in reality. When we are children, we do not question what parents say, and MOSTLY, we learn from behaviors and how we're treated, and by example. Children live more in the subconcious up until they're about 11, so things get "downloaded" into their brain without their permission - there's no gate that has to be opened to allow that stuff in, it's open all the time. When we grow up, that programming is there, and unless we find out differently, we don't know any better. This is why people like Dr. Shaler are extremely important - the lesssons she teaches can change someone's life.
This happens to me all the time. And I am going through this all the time with my elderly mother. I have been in freeze response. I stopped livinf and have no self-respect. I have no self-respect.
I am totally being gas lighted.. I have to learn how not respond with emotions.. I am so adamant on standing up for myself. But then I eventually black down..
I find deep breathing helps center me if I feel triggered ..just helps slow the reaction to think more first. Good for you standing up for yourself. Respect is a two way street
It can be helpful to simply respond with "That's not the way I see it (remember it, feel, etc.)" You affirm yourself and hold your ground without arguing. Have you tried that?
@Dr. Rhoberta Shaler - Help for Toxic Relationships thank you so much for responding.. I did actually try this last night.. he laughed at me. And said yeah,ok, well, you're wrong. I repeated it again and also said. If you want to hear how I feel about I will be glad to share with you but until then continue but know I don't agree with anything you're saying... Long story short I backed down..
Is there a way to force my mom to realize that she doesn't know me better than me to the point where she faint?, because I feel so bad when she said those people love you because they don't know you. There's nothing I could possibly respond there, is it?
Mine hid things from me and said I must have forgot. Pawned the wedding band within 3/months of marriage. Married and I filed for divorce ...stalked, protection order, nothing but a nightmare.
Its all true. The psychological damage and loss of self that comes with having these people in your life is akin to torture with lasting scares. But why is the rain yellow?
I had weird crazymaking. My smart phone had broken and it was frustrating as I am learning to paint and I needed photos of landscapes and buildings on our country walk, a place which I never go to normally. I asked my boyfriend if I could use his phone to take photos on the way and then they could be sent to me afterwards. 1) he took the photos 'as it was his smartphone' and obviously when he did he would get the wrong view of the building or he would have a person blocking the view etc. He refused to take another photo without the person blocking the view. And when there was a lovely view (as I would have taken that pic if I had my phone) he moaned that I was controlling him. It was annoying as my phone had broken and he was just being awkward. It was ridiculous when he had a working phone. He is not a photographer and virtually never takes photos, and thinks it is weird that I like photography and wanted to take photos at all. He is really nuts sometimes. Oh and he didn't end me the photos to me. Just what is the point of this childish awkwardness on a country walk, who does that? ,I have never come across anyone who plays mind games with just taking a photo of a nice view.
Strange and sad, because it simply shows a need on his part for control. So blatant! I'm glad you saw it and are asking big questions about this guy. You may well dodge a bullet by seeing these tendencies early. I wish you well. Rhoberta
This is why it’s so IMPORTANT to rely only on yourself!-anything you need from them will only be a tug of war you’ll loose. No phone? fix it, replace it or LET IT GO. Using his only uses up your sanity.Your goals aren’t his goals, so he won’t let you achieve them.
You need to see it’s not about pictures. He’s not just “childish” he’s selfish and immature. “Awkward” people usually just aren’t sure what to do- he KNOWS what to do to mess things up and keep you from being strong and free. Photography is a great, powerful art. Pursue it instead of him and think of how different life could be.
What do you say when they say "I am worried about your mental health", how to respond to that if you are a person who does have challenges with depression, anxiety, and abandonment PTSD. The person is using these things to shut down the person, or to flip the situation around and take the issue off of them.
Good question! A response that I offer my clients is: "Thank you for your concern about my mental health. If and when I feel I need help, I'll look into it myself." There is no point ever in poking #Hijackals, right? So, this response is using my Personal Weather Report strategy: th-cam.com/video/mFCZohqaFMM/w-d-xo.html
I did not learn about all of this until I turned 55. After 2 years of reflecting, watching, listening & learning I had a very grievous revelation that almost every close relationship I ever had was with vulnerable narcissists. The emotional abuse that I now recognize has brought me to a place that I am defensive about every new possible friendship I may be entering into. And I long for new healthy friendships with healthy empathic people...is it possible?
Yes, it's possible! I understand your defensiveness and maybe even lack of trust. The good news is that working with someone like me who specializes in recovering from these relationships, you can rebuild your relationship life. I wish you well.
I am not saying those ppl are not what you say obviously they are and you are making a great point , but I also invite you to view further, what is the common denominator in all these relationships? You. What aspects of your personality feels called by engaging with these people ? What is the common denominator in all these people that made you to engage in a relationship with them in the first place? Thad is how you heal it and break the cycle. Until you don’t realize what is that treat that you are drown into you will keep facing similar situations
One response I have been using lately is to confirm and exaggerate their insinuation with saying: "Yes, how did you know?" Thus, not taking it personally or seriously. When people call you crazy, just confirm and agree with them. Boom, end of discussion. 😉😄
I love your examples of how you explain how to talk to gaslighters. This is the best examples I have heard and even if it doesn’t change the gaslighter it reaffirms to you the reality of how you think and feel. It reaffirms your view of yourself and you are the only one who knows how you feel and think.
Well posed, well stated and pleasantly delivered. Thank you Dr. Shaler. I think you are in the right profession (ha! But not trying to tell you what to think … wink!)
Oh, yes! Absolutely document EVERYTHING! You'll be so glad you did. If you haven't been documenting, go back in your memory and reconstruct as much as you can with approximate dates.
absolutely...I’ve been documenting behaviors and nasty dialogue for months about what I deal with. It’s reaffirming to revisit these recordings/writings to SAVE your sanity.
Yes exactly. I had abad incident today w parents. On way home i voice recorded the thibgs i could remember and from there jounaled it. This has sabed my sanity so many times.
I actually think leaving the job is better. Its been happening for 15 years in my job. Not enough was done to stop it. Not HR, not District Manager, or even the executive of the department. They have stacks and stacks of complaints recorded with no solution.
What would be a good response to this accusation? My bpd parent often accuses me of "talking too much" and "writing too much" (in text messages), and it's very, very hurtful, it's something I cannot truly prove differently, as it's her opinion. But she's only accused me of this since I began to try to make boundaries or pointed out that I was aware of being verbally abused, so she might be trying to stop me from defending myself, but I think she accuses me also because, in the past, I would try to explain myself when she accused me of other bad things - maybe that's what she's referring to, as in, she doesn't like what I had to say, and she knows that I make a good argument because I use common sense and am sincere, which is hard for her to argue with? This subject only comes up when her abuse is extreme, when she is "kicking me when I'm down", as her abuse gets worse when I'm sick, when she finds out I have a life problem, (I try not to tell her if I have any problem, big or small, because she attacks verbally & emotionally, and in my childhood up throughout my 20s, it included physical attacks) and she has never accused me of this under any other circumstances, like where she could give me an example of why she thinks I "talk too much". I think she does this when she knows she's being extremely abusive and wants to try to keep me from standing up for myself, because before I understood the abuse, I would try to explain myself when she wrongly accused me of something, or attacked my character. She would get paranoid and accuse me of things, and accuse me of things she thought I might do, in a future tense. The only times in my life where I think I might have talked more than "normal", was when I would try to convince her that I was not a bad person when she would accuse me of ridiculous things, and I would try to prove that I would never do those things, that I would never even think of doing those things. So, I think that is what she is referring to, in a covert way, like she thinks that shaming me will prevent me from calling her out on her abuse, or tell others, or try to explain myself? This is definitely not constructive criticism, and I do not believe that I talk too much or write too much, as I rarely use texting, and dislike long discussions - if anything, I do not speak up enough, or talk about things enough. I told my psychiatrist what she said, and he laughed, he said that is subjective, and something that is a "no win" type of argument, and he said, How do you gauge whether someone writes or talks too much? Do writers write too much, are they bad? Do teachers, lecturers, or reporters talk too much? I have never had anyone else tell me that I talk or write too much, only the opposite, but when she accuses me, it hurts really bad, she tells me that "other people" will not like it if I talk too much, and tells me to make sure I don't write too long of a text message to my son or other family members, because "they dont like to hear a bunch of crap". I rarely text my family members, and I rarely talk to them on the phone, I do not communicate enough, and the main reason for that is due to the dysfunction in my side of the amily. My husband talks to his parents & his sister daily, it's a ritual thing, if one day went by without him calling them or vise versa, they'd all think something bad happened. I talk to close family members about once every 4 or 5 months, and the conversations are not long at all. She very recently told me this, AFTER finding out that my husband & I were dealing with a difficult situation. She wanted to visit, but I had to cancel, and I told her that the reason why I did not feel like socializing was due to a difficult situation my husband and I had to deal with, and that I could not handle being shamed & blamed & verbally abused because of it, but I told her this in a nice & sincere way. Several days later, she had to know what was wrong, so we told her, but did not go into details, and she pushed & pushed, I quit answering my phone, she started calling my husband's phone. She caught me off guard, and I finally answered my phone, she went on & on about our situation, but I kept trying to change the subject. She told us what we should and shouldn't do, and said we needed to do a certain thing right away, and that she was going to call my husband every hour until he did it - my husband is a 61 year old adult, and I'm 52, so we don't need someone calling us every hour to remind us of doing something we have not decided to do yet. In this conversation, she told me, "But don't you (do what she suggested) with him, because you talk too much, and they dont want to hear a bunch of crap". A person that she does not know, but is telling us they don't want to hear my crap. I was already upset, and could not respond the way I really should have, so I told her that there would be no need for me to tell them something that did not apply to the situation. I wish I would've said, "At least I do not verbally & emotionally abuse people". If my mom seen this comment, she would use it to prove that I "write too much". It is long, but the only times in my life where I've ever talked or written a lot like this (as in a discussion) is when I'm discussing the abuse from her, because it is hurtful. Even though I can kind of forgive my mom for not acting like an adult when I was a child, I can't firgive her for not taking responsibility for her behavior after this many years, especially when she has been given hints by many people that she has a disorder. Even though I know I do not need to explain myself, her verbal & emotional abuse hurts me badly, it brings back all of the past abuse, the self doubt & criticism caused by it, and hurts because I don't have a supportive parent, but one that gets narcissistic supply from me, and if I speak up, I get shamed for that, too. Even though I shouldn't, I feel like I cannot communicate at all, not even one sentence, with any of my family, since she accuses me of talking too much. The time before last that she accused me, not long after, I went with her to a family function, a short car ride, and I did not say much, so she verbally abused me for being too quiet, and she did not stop talking tge entire time. I wish I had a parent who was interested in what I might have to say - I love to hear my own child's voice, no matter what he says. And my husband's parents always tell us both that "It's good to hear your voice." I thought my mom would get better with time, but it's obvious she never will at her age, BPD is nearly impossible to treat, and my Mom went to a doctor once and never went back.
I understand your story. #Hijackal mothers--narcissistic, anti-social, borderline--are competitive with their female children. That means they will do everything to "win" in every conversation and situation. This sounds very much like what your mother is doing. If your mother is diagnosed with BPD, she will not change without long-term, frequent therapy. You are giving your mother so much thought, and that is something you are in control of. Do you recognize how much "air-time" you are giving your mother in your head and heart? That's a way that you can stop her from controlling you: accept that your mother behaves this way, and distance yourself from her. She is unlikely to ever give you the approval you are longing for because that is one way she exerts control. It's who she is, and has nothing to do with who you are. I hope you realize that as it can bring you more peace. Focus on the people who bring you love and joy. Give them your time and energy. Your mother will not likely change, and may get worse as time goes on. You can change, though, and stop expecting her to be different. I know you'd like your mother to be loving, accepting, and approving, however, it's best to find that in other relationships. I hope that helps you. I wish you well.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Thank You VERY much. Yes, that makes sense. I have had many instances with her where, what should be a normal, casual converstion turns into some type of "competition" or at least it feels that way to me, she doesn't quit pushing unless she "WINS". She will even become extremely illogical, demanding that I "prove" or "explain" logical things that are sometimes ineffable, or things that we all just "know" without needing any proof - it's similar to arguing with someone about the sky being blue, then trying to force them to explain, in detail, WHY the sky is blue. A conversation like this actually happened where she wanted me to prove why a circle keeps it's shape when the radius/diameter is increased, she literally said that increasing a circle's size (making it larger) causes the shape to change into something that is not a circle anymore! (she knows better than this, but at the time, she was coming up with anything, even if it was illogical, to argue with, and I told her I did not want to argue). When I could not explain this good enough to please her, I asked people on Quora who were math & geometry professors & the like, about how could I have properly explained this (because I doubted myself, thinking that I should've been able to explain it in a way that she could understand), one person responded with just the facts (not actually how to explain it to someone), they just stated that when it's increased, it gets larger, and that it DOES stay the same shape, like I was trying to prove to my mom. Another one replied that a circle is a circle no matter the size, and again, they stated the basic facts of what a circle is, and thought that maybe that there was a mistake in my question, but they could not explain "why" any better than I could, they just stated the facts because the rest is just something that we all "know" according to how things work in this universe. It's like asking why two identical objects of the same weight will weigh twice the weight of one object when weighed together - WHO can really explain something like that? That is definitely crazymaking!
People who affirm the lies of gaslighting narcissists and #Hijackals are what we call "flying monkeys." They need to be ignored while keeping distance from them.
Yes, people often say "just cut contact with them". But not everyone is married to a narc. Many narcs are in powerful positions, where they impose their will with all kinds of narcissistic strategies. It's very destructive.
Mine will go down a laundry list of insults and every sentence starts with “You think”.. Over and over and over he says You think Im doing this and you think im doing that or you think this is going on and it goes on and on. into a word salad argument. He is a pain in the ass.
What do you say when they put you down viciously , when you say " No .. that not the way I saw it " My mother would say " Well you must be stupid / delusional etc ." How do you cope with a nasty put down that leaves you crushed . That is hard to be calm ,, because it's such a personal attack.
Yes, it is difficult. And, it is intended to be a personal attack. What can help is to stop expecting the Hijackals to behave differently and reframe what they say to you--at least, in your mind--as "this is not about who I am, it's about who they are." Really, most of what they say about you in situations like that is what they are afraid is true of them. It's projection.
Thankyou for the video it was very informative. Im being gaslighted by my family and ex girlfriend because I'm taking medication they don't agree with from ny doctor. I have had addiction issues but the meds im on or specifically made for addiction problems. Anyway I find out my parents have been gaslightinf me along with my ex girlfriend and alm of my ex friends it is so horrible. I dknt eben know if our 4 year relationship was real or if my parents hired her. I 100% have recently found out they have been communicating and gaslighting me behind my back. I wldnt wish this on my worst enemy.
My brother has been very violent when we were kids, ( used to strangle me, throw me through stairs, smash my head on the walls) he also beated up his partners and almost runned over one of them with a route motorcycle. Well, the thing is I came back 4 years ago to my hometown and my brother whom I did not talk to for about 15 years ( always had bad relationship with him) started gaslighting me " we used to have a great relationship" "We were always playing" he made me doubt, I played along until I started loosing sleep, feel pain stomach, he started to engage me on his responsabilities with no boundaries. My mom passed away one year ago and he clearly has an agenda about it. Watching this vídeos I realised he is a narcisistic, I'm scared of him.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Thank you for your reply. I can't at the moment. We are in the same building ( we inheritated it but still did not go through the court, if I leave he might take over the apartments)
i learned that being alone is the best thing in the world. nobody can manipulate you. anyone that tries their sociopathic nonsense on me will get a proper GPT response: "I am sorry for the confusion, but I am actually an AI language model, and I don't have a physical existence. Is there anything else I can assist you with?" repeat this on every response until they go away. best way to get rid of psychos.
It sure does! In fact, if someone starts out with name-calling, I would express a boundary right there: "When a conversation begins with name-calling, I withdraw as I know that little good can come from a conversation that starts that way. I'm withdrawing from the conversation now. We can talk again when there is calmness and mutual respect." (That last part is only if you want to solve the issue or think there is a hope of doing so.)
The BIG gaslight! How to deal with it is to neutrally and quietly respond with: "Actually, that's not true. I know myself better than anyone as I know what I think, feel, need, want, and remember." Just say it each time. The #Hijackal will likely say something dismissive, but hold your ground anyway and don't believe what they try so hard to convince you is true about yourself. I wish you well.
My husband was raised by a hyjackal mother and we currently live with his family. There are moments of peace. Then it builds. Then she attacks me through my children or my husband. We are working towards moving out and improving our finances. Is there any advice for us?
as I listen to this, I wonder if I am a hijackal, but my therapist confirmed my husband was emotionally abusive. However, I do get extremely aggravated because he disagrees with whatever I say and has an opposite opinion. And I find myself defining his emotions saying he is trying to power over me or be smarter than me. So does that make me behave like a hijackal?
They also define your beliefs and what you must believe. If you complain about their nuisance and behavior they think that is what you believe and they double down on that behavior. Meaning whichever language you use they do what they want to do and behave as they want to behave. Then why you need their approval? We can also do what we want to do and be as we want to be... I am talking about case in corporate hijackle. They decide what you should do in career, how much salary you should take, what your career goals should be... They won't ask. Asking you about your career goals is like giving power to you. They don't want. Only way to deal is not to play their game or simply define what you want and if you can't get walk away. Don't stay in any relationship where you are not honoured and respected. Where your needs are not met. If they can't take atleast 50% responsibility for relationship then you release the grip on that as well. You feel lighter and better. I
Good question! I think that, when anyone suggests something about ourselves, we are wise to first be self-reflective. Following that, if we are unsure if what they are saying is true about us, ask a trusted friend. Hijackals gaslight others because they can. They are looking for power over their prey. When we check within or with others we trust, we begin to see the gaslighting for what it is. I hope that helps.
Thank you so much forbyour heart to help others! You're an encouragement. What do you recommend for someone who expresses their feelings in humility to a hijackal, and the hijackal tells that person they shouldn't share their feelings, or have no right to do so?
You're so welcome! Sadly, Hijackals love it when you are vulnerable, raw, and open to them. When you share your feelings, they will take that as a moment to have power over you. They'll deny your feelings, as you mentioned, or weaponize your feelings by blaming you for them at the time, or later in a conversation with others. Nasty!
@@ForRelationshipHelp thank you for the reply. I try to refrain from ever saying someone or somethis hopeless, but a narcissist or hijackal may be close. It's sad, and shows me they have so much inner brokenness they don't even realize and it's not only hurting themselves, but so many others. While I never give up on people, I have been facing the emotional trauma I carry caused by my narcissistic father, and at 46 yrs old, I am finally feeling some freedom. It is helping recognize that my boss is so similarly toxic and threatening, and I am putting boundaries in place with both him and my father. I'm tired of feeling powerless as an adult woman. Your podcasts and videos are definitely helping me. Blessings to you!
Never share your feelings with that person again, without first preparing for their worst response possible. Keep expectations realistic, and when emotional support is needed, go to someone trustworthy, someone who has your best interest at heart (and a mature understanding of the issue when seeking advise). And pray! God can change hearts!
The truth is we are not perfect and some people may not accept the reality of our imperfections and even gaslighters would say i dont expect you to be perfect
I recognize things you are saying. in me. I'm a gaslighter. and I don't want to be. there are tons of advise for these who suffers from persons like me. but we are also victims. I don't want to be like that. and I haven't found anyone who would help us, me. piece of advice? help? thank you.
Good insight! The important thing is to learn to use my Personal Weather Report masterfully so that you will not consider gaslighting others, if you're in that habit. Here's a video I did about it: th-cam.com/video/mFCZohqaFMM/w-d-xo.html
I am really happy that you are recognizing this in yourself. People who do this, might also be really good folks having a couple of bad moments i reckon i might have done it myself in the past, ( i am still in therapy healing from parental negligence), the AMAZING thing is that you have noticed it good luck hun ❤
Hi i live in Sweden and here is not any knowledge about narssesistic upbringing and adult relationship i try to explain but it get the opposite that a dont have fact want fysisk prove dont know how psychological it is .I need to speak to a terapeut or concoler about my experience i dont have somebody to talk to and so hard alone and heal all alone .Is there Someone ? 💕
My question for you is this, why would I put so much effort into this relationship to go around in circles with someone like that? If you are in a relationship like this just get out!
Some people are not quite ready to leave and need suggestions. Some people just realized what's happening and need time to process. Everyone is at different stages of understanding and action.
I hate gaslighter they want control over me .it's sick if they want my attention over .that narccistic. I make self poster to keep me silent when they do gaslighting to me .now they do with yelling and loudly.
You're right! Hijackals are so used to their behaviors, thoughts, motivations, fears, etc. that they respond quite automatically. You'll know how aware a Hijackal is by where they choose to engage in a behavior and where they know better, usually.
Do you think people's criticism, or attempt to get you to second guess yourself, could come through non-verbal.means? Example Getting uncharacteristically quiet, or , smirking in s "knowing" way, or when right as you're focused on something, asking "WHAT are you DOING? or "Why are you doing it THAT way?" That happens to me with one friend. When I explain that I feel like she's judging me or that it's unnerving and feels like she's criticizing me, denies it and says, "Oh you're imagining that. That's your insecurity,." That it's all in my head and I am trying to tell her what she thinks. But she isn't offering feedback. She's just testing me to see what my answer is." But the smirk is there, and there's no reassurance or undetstanding of what I am struggling with. .It's "Oh pppffftttlllpppt! ha ha...You are crazy." I then think, "Damn. I am crazy." I second guess what I am sensing. Am I just "paranoid" and insecure?
OH, YES! That's what #Hijackals do to gain control! She'll say whatever she wants, and then tell you you're wrong for how you interpret it, or that she's just kidding, or you're being unreasonably sensitive, so...... Sounds like a great person to spend less time with!
@@ForRelationshipHelp Thank you. I am bad at picking friends. I am so lonely I attach too easily. I need to be more careful. She had me convinced *I* was the one trying to say what she was thinking. I was just trying to get clarity. Gaslighting is abuse. My new motto: If it feels confusing and icky, it probably is.
@@rain3743 Good motto! You can observe someone's behavior--free of rose-colored glasses and wishful thinking---and see if you look forward to being with them, and want to stay around them. Usually, when you honor your "gut" in these circumstances, you recognize you feel unsafe around them.
Humans communicate more nonverbally than they do verbally - Body language, facial & micro expressions, and we are born with the ability to understand nonverbal communication, and unlike languages, it is universal. Your body's reaction does not lie to you like people do, you're right, if it feels icky, it IS. Also, people who were abused as children, and/ or who had a parent with a mental disorder, are often times more aware of, and better at reading nonverbal communication, because they literally had to as a child, like looking at their mother's face in trying to determine if she's angry or not, because facial expressions are more reliable than words. Kids do this because they try to gauge their parents to know what to expect, especially when they fear their parents rages, and then try to act appropriately as to not further enrage the abusive parent, or to please the parent. For abused kids, it's even more of a survival skill than it is for people in general. Trust how other's behavior makes you feel, your body does not lie like words do.
Finally someone who clearly explains how to respond and not just talk talk talk around it for 15 minutes.
This comment made me so excited and I haven’t even watched the video yet
Completely agree! Many videos and this is the first to offer tools to help navigate gaslighting. Thank you!
Omg yes!! Had to get through so many videos to get here!!
Yes, she gets right to the tools of how to help. It is good to have examples, but usually people don't need a lot of examples, they are looking for how to handle situations.
I have tried this for years, my spouse is so toxic it just does not work but by affirming my own truth it still helps me somewhat
Thank you. Tomorrow I have to deal with a sweet little narcissist. I didn't know she was one until she tried to gas light me and deflect from the issue at hand which was her condescending behavior towards me. She doesn't think I know as much as I do about these types. I thought it was very interesting. When I professionally and diplomatically set my boundaries with her her reaction was "frustration". How interesting is that. She could not get around me or win the argument, and I kept her focused on the real issue, and I would not let her gaslight me or distract from what she had done. This frustrated her. How interesting she told me she was frustrated instead of feeling humbled or wanting to change her arrogant behaviors.
I am 35 years old. Just last week I realized my own mother has been gaslighting me my entire life! She actually talked me out of going to college, made me feel like I made so many mistakes with simple things, like cutting up veggies! Telling me "o I didn't think you were serious about that." After I thought I was very clear. Then my mind would fall for it, thinking "maybe she is right. I was wrong. Then I would apologize and she would play victim. I am now seeing her favor one of my children over the other. That is where it ends. I am done.
I'm happy to hear that you see the abuse so clearly now. This is the beginning of a new era for you!
Ok, your mother and my mother are the same, and I also just realized it.
I'm now replaying my childhood over in my head to try to see how far back it goes.
My mother cannot ever admit to twisting the truth to the extreme. She will never apologize for denying her own words. It makes me feel like I am losing my mind.
If I try to talk to her about it, she will start by interrupting me so I can't get my words out in complete sentences.
The more I try to speak the louder she gets.
She gets even more frustrated when I start calling her out in the moment.
Her words become evil, just mean and she practically begins to growl.
I'm so tired.
I love my mother. If, and when we do get along, it's really good.
I had a therapist who basically told me that my life would be better off if I stop expect8ng my mother to hear what I am saying, and pretty much stop expecting much of anything from her.
She said I should move on.
What you described is critisizing, not gaslighting.
@@zion367 It's actually both.
The solution is clear - get out, while the getting's good....
This is Jennifer Sinclair. I am just like you - my mother has gaslighted me my whole life and I have fought her all my life and still do. I will NEVER give in just to keep the peace.
That's sad. I hope you find a way to observe her gaslighting, and recognize it's who she is. Using your energy to refocus and find a way out of the relationship seems wise, right?
My husband would do this constantly. He would also hide things to confuse me. Wed get home from Target and items would be missing. I finally went back to the store. He had hidden the items behind the register. He never brought what I asked for. Hed tear up my grocery list and try to convince me that I my memory couldn't be trusted.
My ex boyfriend also did things like that. He also stole money and jewelry from me. 😠
i'm reading this and thinking it was only me. I'd ask for something and he would constantly say they didn't have it or I got this instead or I forgot that. Just so weird so I learnt not to expect anything.
Thank you for this video. I can see this maybe working to help a person get clear for themselves. I really wish this worked to actually stop the process though. in my experience, no matter how calmly and clearly spoken, this just results in another round, a spiral out, that gets more ridiculous with each round. No matter how calm I stay at each moment.
Good god this is so right on point. Thank you!
You are so welcome
Why i started writing everythng down that i can remember Asap after the toxic incident
Good!
I am currently experiencing this with my wife. Im tired of always having to prove my honesty and loyalty when I'm not doing anything. I've lost my appetite and get headaches from all of the extra stress. It's hard trying to deal with someone so childish. She ignores me whether phone calls or face to face talking and that makes me feel worried and sick to my stomach when I go to work
Is this something new for her, or has this been the case and become worse? Having someone in your life who is constantly accusing you of things, and questioning your truthfulness IS extremely stressful when you're not doing anything wrong. What steps are you going to take to change these dynamics?
Join in at forrelationshiphelp.com/circles if you want to join the conversations and get support.
This is something I thought I could change about May partner , but once I think I’ve finally proven there is some new thing that makes me “awful”.
I just want to say I'm so happy I came across your videos. I lived and had 3 children with what you call a hijackal for over 15 years of my life. I finally broke free from the toxicity, but found myself in a relationship with another one again years later! Truthfully I believe focusing on myself is the best for me right now and realizing I don't always have to "save" people.
I'm so glad you found my videos, too, if it's helpful to you. It is a pattern that we can change: attracting #Hijackals. And, you're absolutely right! You do not have to "save" anyone but yourself. I wish you well.
Im in a similar situation, I haven’t left yet because of finances and my kids that I won’t leave behind. I’m so ready to be happy again and drop that burden off my shoulders!!!
They are shit and don't support us or our feelings
@@yanetyyy6036 I havent left yet. trying to find ways to protect myself and respond well meanwhile
Everyone needs to end such a relationship or friendship in a way there is no reopening that door ever again.
Be free.
Don't waste thought on those who will subvert your self-esteem, implant false memories, or just generally "destroy you from within". Your obsessive desire to reach a resolution with a gas lighter, to beg for emotional recognition or argue for respect only gives them more leverage and time to work you. That desire for a resolution on THEIR terms was created by them in the first place to better control you. Any true peace will have to come from within, on YOUR terms. Every meaningful change begins in mindfulness, so distance yourself mentally from a gaslighter. Forego second thoughts, sending textbook messages, and especially "getting the last word". Obsessing over their past manipulations only serves to increase the power they have over your self esteem: before you wanted to please them, now you want revenge. Your mental health belongs to YOU. surround yourself with good, straightforward people, and listen to your body. Do you grind your teeth, chew your nails, or get inexplicable back pains around certain people? Cut them loose. Cut yourself loose. You deserve peace, safety, and autonomy. You are braver than you realize.
Tldr version: win by not playing.
Problem with this is that many narcissistic people have worked their way up into powerful positions, where they are 'the leader' of the group, or play some kind of decisive role (managers, priests, parents, doctors, groupleaders of all kind, and their flying monkeys) If you 'cut contact' with them, you cut contact with the group too. If you stay, they will continue to manipulate, gaslight, control, deny, lie, impose their 'realities', rage, play victim, ... and most people of the group don't see through it. They surf along on the waves of the narcissistic strategies.
OMG you hit it right on the head, perfect . I have said why are you making things up and then he just starts screaming very loud and he won't allow me to finish a sentence or a thought . I am really learning a lot from these videos . Even in a friendly group setting he does not allow anyone to finish their thought he is so overpowering , tall with a big voice. but if I address any demeaning behavior towards me he blows up so loud screaming and I say " stop abusing me " and he says you are abusing me. He also has conversations with other people about me and my feelings and actions , and we talked (it was hard) and I told him that he just made up the whole thing up because he didn't talk to me about it or ask me my thoughts and feelings. He just KEEPS DOING THAT , totally making stuff up. We have been together 46 yrs and this is the new him ever since he sold his company , it went to his head, I suppose . He is becoming very hard to live with. He has even told other people " All I do is scream at him for anything he does " , That has never happened , he is the only screamer who doesn't like to be questioned .
So difficult...and unexpected! When people retire from high-level jobs, there is nowhere for the power they may have had to go. So, it often shows up at home. It's surprising that he is doing this in public as well. What you're experiencing sounds like more than a transition from worklife to retirement, though. More extreme. How's his health?
My Sister does this stuff to me. And also uses these responses to gaslight when she is held accountable. If she writes to me " I am sorry you are blindly led."
Then it is.."I never said that. You are misunderstanding my intension. If you would like to know what I meant I would love to have a conversation about it.". She uses therapy type scripts to abuse instead of just protect.😱🤯😱🤯😱
Gosh! My sis does the same!
Omg, I'm gaslight to the moon. I already thought that, but you confirmed it 🙏❤🙏❤🙏❤🙏❤
Also...I am new to your channel but Hijackals is brilliant. It's so helpful.
Welcome! I'm glad you're finding value here, and that you like my term, Hijackals®.
Great explanation. How YOU SHOULD THINK AND FEEL YES YES YES AND YES!! I'm sick of it, worn down and sick. The effect ts of this behaviour are so far reaching its unreal. If you challenge them brace yourself for the tsunami that's going to come back
Im going to have to face this today. Please pray for my marriage and for all marriages and families.
Today I had a very ugly fight with someone. It started from a trivial disagreement and he started gaslighting me and I got irritated, I explained to him to stop that because it's irritating, he did even worse and also blame shifting.
I saw how my anger was growing gradually the more he repeated the same mindgame, I started screaming at him so badly because I felt like he doesn't listen because he wasn't.
Meantime he was talking very quiet and calm but with that voice he was telling me this: " see? You're not listening. That's your problem! Look who angry you are, that's your problem! you have mental problem" I explained why I become so angry, what triggerd me and he responsed "I don't understand why are you so angry" I felt like I was going to loose my mind because I repeated more then 6 times the reason I got so angry and he still told me that he doesn't understand why I'm so angry.
Finally I told him to get out of my house and never come back and that I never want to see him again. He was not angry at all, he was sad. Now I feel so bad because I was reacting like that, I know he provoked me (he told me "I'm annoying you because I like to see how you react" I responsed "see? I told you, you are doing it on purpose and you know why I got angry" then he said "I have no idea why are you so angry") but I feel very guilty now because I couldn't control myself. I'm ashamed of myself 🥺 because should've handle the situation better. About him.. I feel bad that I treated him like that even though I can understand his part of guilt too.
Now... I don't know how to get rid of this shame and guilt feeling. Has anyone any suggestions? I don't want to go to him and apologise because he for sure will not admit his part of fault in this and I don't want to end taking all the blame on me. Please, help. I will apreciate a lot 🥺
It's the aftermath of gaslightning, the whole feeling bad stuff. What you did was the right thing to do, if that person keeps on spreading over the lies about your existence to his/her new friends, there will always be that time where some of them disagree their ideal look on what the person said from the actual person.
What matters is that you're free and away from that ignorant person, and free to heal both you and your reputation by yourself. Plus, there's still people there that has their full heart to believe you and hear your way, it's not too late to come back up and walk your mistakes proudly, because you peep survived the bumpy path.
You did the right thing, otherwise all he was ever going to do was continue trampling over your being. Your wellbeing must be the most important thing in your life. If he can't respect that, or your boundaries, then he doesn't deserve a spot on the roster - period.
The narc was "sad" only because it lost it's "toy"....Normal people don't do that crap to someone they care about. You did the right thing and dodged a bullet. Hope you didn't take it back.
I dont think people should stay with a narc. My ex boyfriend got worse with the gaslighting and being unreliable and emotionally instable, the more he felt being out of control over me. He abused my weak spots. I told him about my childhood experiences and he just used it against me. What a DEVIL!!! It was hell for me.
Oh, yes! Sadly, that's what they do. Your healthy response was leaving. Good for you.
Omg, I'm so sorry. I have been in the same position. I've been keeping to myself for 7 years, now
You are right! You should be proud of being so strong and doing what’s hard, but right for you.
Yes, they want to label you as "in control". :(
I have been trying to understand if I am the Narcissist or He is? I feel like if I just say ok it would just be ok. This seems to go along with what I learn in Narcissism 😞🤯. So tired, so many headaches. Thank you for all your information- you are such a joy to listen to
You're welcome!
Your question is one that most people with #Hijackals ask at some time. First, the #Hijackal likely tells you that you are a #narcissist, because they are projecting their fears about themselves. Then, you get so worn down from being torn down and blamed for everything that it all gets very confusing.
It is highly unlikely that you are a narcissist. Narcissists don't even entertain the question of their narcissism, in most cases.
I have been dealing with this my whole life. My mother and now my husband and I am just realizing all this. I have been asleep for way to long.
It's always good when you realize that there's a pattern you'd like to change. I wish you well with this.
Rhoberta, I like your channel, your teaching style is very helpful, Thank You.
You're very welcome!
This is helpful. I will try this.
I feel like I’m not even sure If I remember things correctly anymore.
Yes, gaslighting is designed for the very purpose of causing you to second-guess yourself and question your sanity. You may want to rethink the relationship, right?
@@ForRelationshipHelp Yeah that seems like the best decision
Omg...thank you I'm meeting my daughter's father for income taxes ..and I have to deal with his gas lighting...this makes it sooo much easier. My father was a gaslighter too.🙄
You're welcome!
Some of these kind of people will give you the silent treatment instead of getting angry.This is a form of Controll or trying to get out of their lie.
Thank you this really clear up my mind. I would share this to the people who's the same situation as me.
You are so welcome
My family members always put down my choices..everything from now I look, what I buy, what I wear, who my friends are, my spiritual path, etc. For example, I bought an ivy plant. I told my sister. She said, " e mail me a picture of it". I did, she responded, " that looks like you went outside and brought any old bush inside!
I said, " I like it! ". I'm tired of all the put downs!!!! I can't even share about a plant......!!!!!!!
Oh, that's not good! I can understand your frustration, for sure. I hope you have supportive, well-balanced friends to turn to outside of these family members. Often, family members have a vested interest in scapegoating a person. It's often a good idea to stop turning to them for encouragement and support. Can you?
You can share with me, if you want. ☺
It's a shame when you have to bring it down to their level for eg not sharing anymore. I understand 💯, it's sad bc there's no support within your own family 🤷 & you have to protect yourself
My mom once messaged me not to tell her about my life, because "all [I] do is create crisis." Two years later, she scolded me for not telling her things, so I reminded her what she messaged me. She denied it up and down, "I would NEVER say that!" But she did. I was with my ex-husband when she messaged me that, and we had held multiple conversations about it, because my mother has been a pain point in my life. I want a mom that I can talk to, who wants to know me.
Every relationship I've had ended up having gaslighting in it. The current one doesn't seem to have noticed I stopped sharing anything, and gets annoyed when I am noticably upset "out of nowhere," as if every single issue had been resolved and adequately addressed when they brushed me off. Like....no, dismissing me doesn't actually resolve the problem. It only stacks it up and makes the relationship less safe.
I don't know if I've ever been attached to someone who was real with me. I am strictly honest, and it seems like I find the people who can't appreciate that in me. They want me to lie, I won't.
Thank you for the video! Very clear and well explained. Trying to learn from it.
This is so helpful!!! Thank you!
You're so welcome!
Yup.Sad to say I have been married going on 24 years and he's gotten worse at gaslighting me.I never noticed before but now its as plane as day right in front of my face
I'm glad that you're seeing the patterns, so that you can make decisions about how to proceed in the relationship. It's unhealthy and manipulative, for sure. I wish you well.
I like listening to you. This is my mom. I don't talk with her anymore. She's used a smear campaign against me. Btw, you have such nice skin.
Thank you. I'm glad you've found peace by removing yourself from a toxic relationship.
The effect this has one someone who's been exposed to it all their life, or for many years, especially to a child is very damaging - it changes a person, and causes harm to them in many different ways until they learn differently. It has caused me to not only distrust & question what I feel and know is true, but it has caused problems that are sometimes even more damaging, like constantly worrying that people will not believe me or take what I feel or believe seriously, this is an awful feeling so I'm ALWAYS explaining myself, constatly providing proof of why I feel that way, as I've had to do that all my life - I grew up thinking that every feeling or thought I have, or anything I say has to be proven to others. I feel like I have to be perfect. I've always researched and learned about things so that I am able to explain them with the best knowledge available, as I feel like I have to prove it. Throughout my life, whenever I think or feel anything, I PUT MYSELF DOWN as if I'm taking over what my mom did, so every thought, idea, or feeling I have, I look at it like it's bad, wrong, stupid, ignorant, or the like, and I spend so much time looking for validation in books, the internet, and from others, as I think that I need proof, that my knowledge & experience is never good enough, even when it's something I know & understand in reality.
When we are children, we do not question what parents say, and MOSTLY, we learn from behaviors and how we're treated, and by example. Children live more in the subconcious up until they're about 11, so things get "downloaded" into their brain without their permission - there's no gate that has to be opened to allow that stuff in, it's open all the time. When we grow up, that programming is there, and unless we find out differently, we don't know any better. This is why people like Dr. Shaler are extremely important - the lesssons she teaches can change someone's life.
A lot of what you've said is me too! Don't doubt yourself, I'll try not to too ❤
This happens to me all the time. And I am going through this all the time with my elderly mother. I have been in freeze response. I stopped livinf and have no self-respect. I have no self-respect.
Chronic gaslighting is directed towards me, from a loved one in the family. Worn down, and never believed him, or played the fool.
Spot on . Thank you so much .
I am totally being gas lighted.. I have to learn how not respond with emotions.. I am so adamant on standing up for myself. But then I eventually black down..
I find deep breathing helps center me if I feel triggered ..just helps slow the reaction to think more first. Good for you standing up for yourself. Respect is a two way street
It can be helpful to simply respond with "That's not the way I see it (remember it, feel, etc.)" You affirm yourself and hold your ground without arguing. Have you tried that?
@Dr. Rhoberta Shaler - Help for Toxic Relationships thank you so much for responding.. I did actually try this last night.. he laughed at me. And said yeah,ok, well, you're wrong. I repeated it again and also said. If you want to hear how I feel about I will be glad to share with you but until then continue but know I don't agree with anything you're saying... Long story short I backed down..
Is there a way to force my mom to realize that she doesn't know me better than me to the point where she faint?,
because I feel so bad when she said those people love you because they don't know you.
There's nothing I could possibly respond there, is it?
Mine hid things from me and said I must have forgot. Pawned the wedding band within 3/months of marriage. Married and I filed for divorce ...stalked, protection order, nothing but a nightmare.
Yes, gaslighting. So nasty! Getting away from them can be a nightmare, I agree. However, staying can be worse. I wish you well.
Thank you Dr ❤️
Its all true.
The psychological damage and loss of self that comes with having these people in your life is akin to torture with lasting scares.
But why is the rain yellow?
I had weird crazymaking. My smart phone had broken and it was frustrating as I am learning to paint and I needed photos of landscapes and buildings on our country walk, a place which I never go to normally. I asked my boyfriend if I could use his phone to take photos on the way and then they could be sent to me afterwards. 1) he took the photos 'as it was his smartphone' and obviously when he did he would get the wrong view of the building or he would have a person blocking the view etc. He refused to take another photo without the person blocking the view. And when there was a lovely view (as I would have taken that pic if I had my phone) he moaned that I was controlling him. It was annoying as my phone had broken and he was just being awkward. It was ridiculous when he had a working phone. He is not a photographer and virtually never takes photos, and thinks it is weird that I like photography and wanted to take photos at all. He is really nuts sometimes. Oh and he didn't end me the photos to me. Just what is the point of this childish awkwardness on a country walk, who does that? ,I have never come across anyone who plays mind games with just taking a photo of a nice view.
Strange and sad, because it simply shows a need on his part for control. So blatant! I'm glad you saw it and are asking big questions about this guy. You may well dodge a bullet by seeing these tendencies early.
I wish you well.
Rhoberta
This is why it’s so IMPORTANT to rely only on yourself!-anything you need from them will only be a tug of war you’ll loose. No phone? fix it, replace it or LET IT GO. Using his only uses up your sanity.Your goals aren’t his goals, so he won’t let you achieve them.
You need to see it’s not about pictures. He’s not just “childish” he’s selfish and immature. “Awkward” people usually just aren’t sure what to do- he KNOWS what to do to mess things up and keep you from being strong and free. Photography is a great, powerful art. Pursue it instead of him and think of how different life could be.
Your amazing!
Thank you.
100 % better than my anger management
What do you say when they say "I am worried about your mental health", how to respond to that if you are a person who does have challenges with depression, anxiety, and abandonment PTSD. The person is using these things to shut down the person, or to flip the situation around and take the issue off of them.
Good question! A response that I offer my clients is: "Thank you for your concern about my mental health. If and when I feel I need help, I'll look into it myself." There is no point ever in poking #Hijackals, right? So, this response is using my Personal Weather Report strategy: th-cam.com/video/mFCZohqaFMM/w-d-xo.html
I did not learn about all of this until I turned 55. After 2 years of reflecting, watching, listening & learning I had a very grievous revelation that almost every close relationship I ever had was with vulnerable narcissists. The emotional abuse that I now recognize has brought me to a place that I am defensive about every new possible friendship I may be entering into. And I long for new healthy friendships with healthy empathic people...is it possible?
Yes, it's possible! I understand your defensiveness and maybe even lack of trust. The good news is that working with someone like me who specializes in recovering from these relationships, you can rebuild your relationship life. I wish you well.
Yes it's possible. Same here, 55 years to learn the lesson. I'm now 56 and happy to be alive and well.
I am not saying those ppl are not what you say obviously they are and you are making a great point , but I also invite you to view further, what is the common denominator in all these relationships? You. What aspects of your personality feels called by engaging with these people ? What is the common denominator in all these people that made you to engage in a relationship with them in the first place? Thad is how you heal it and break the cycle. Until you don’t realize what is that treat that you are drown into you will keep facing similar situations
Thanks for this....
Gaslighting triggers the life out of me .....was gaslit by my parents my whole life.
Good content👌
I really like the hyjackyl thing ❤
One response I have been using lately is to confirm and exaggerate their insinuation with saying:
"Yes, how did you know?"
Thus, not taking it personally or seriously.
When people call you crazy, just confirm and agree with them. Boom, end of discussion. 😉😄
Maybe the most damaging thing they do. And yes.. it wears you down. I just agreed knowing none of it was true.
I love your examples of how you explain how to talk to gaslighters. This is the best examples I have heard and even if it doesn’t change the gaslighter it reaffirms to you the reality of how you think and feel. It reaffirms your view of yourself and you are the only one who knows how you feel and think.
Good video. Thank you.
Well posed, well stated and pleasantly delivered. Thank you Dr. Shaler. I think you are in the right profession (ha! But not trying to tell you what to think … wink!)
It’s been 30 years and I’m just realizing that she is a gas light er and now she is becoming a counselor, and it is getting much worse now .
Oh, dear! That's not good. I hope some excellent supervisor catches those tendencies she may have before any more time passes.
Great video!!
Thanks, Tracy! Time to re-connect and catch up?
Start recording and documenting everything because they will stop at nothing to bring you down
Oh, yes! Absolutely document EVERYTHING! You'll be so glad you did. If you haven't been documenting, go back in your memory and reconstruct as much as you can with approximate dates.
absolutely...I’ve been documenting behaviors and nasty dialogue for months about what I deal with. It’s reaffirming to revisit these recordings/writings to SAVE your sanity.
Yes exactly. I had abad incident today w parents. On way home i voice recorded the thibgs i could remember and from there jounaled it. This has sabed my sanity so many times.
This tiring . But I did it for a while , but it’s exhausting and not a way to live
I actually think leaving the job is better. Its been happening for 15 years in my job. Not enough was done to stop it. Not HR, not District Manager, or even the executive of the department. They have stacks and stacks of complaints recorded with no solution.
What would be a good response to this accusation? My bpd parent often accuses me of "talking too much" and "writing too much" (in text messages), and it's very, very hurtful, it's something I cannot truly prove differently, as it's her opinion. But she's only accused me of this since I began to try to make boundaries or pointed out that I was aware of being verbally abused, so she might be trying to stop me from defending myself, but I think she accuses me also because, in the past, I would try to explain myself when she accused me of other bad things - maybe that's what she's referring to, as in, she doesn't like what I had to say, and she knows that I make a good argument because I use common sense and am sincere, which is hard for her to argue with?
This subject only comes up when her abuse is extreme, when she is "kicking me when I'm down", as her abuse gets worse when I'm sick, when she finds out I have a life problem, (I try not to tell her if I have any problem, big or small, because she attacks verbally & emotionally, and in my childhood up throughout my 20s, it included physical attacks) and she has never accused me of this under any other circumstances, like where she could give me an example of why she thinks I "talk too much".
I think she does this when she knows she's being extremely abusive and wants to try to keep me from standing up for myself, because before I understood the abuse, I would try to explain myself when she wrongly accused me of something, or attacked my character. She would get paranoid and accuse me of things, and accuse me of things she thought I might do, in a future tense. The only times in my life where I think I might have talked more than "normal", was when I would try to convince her that I was not a bad person when she would accuse me of ridiculous things, and I would try to prove that I would never do those things, that I would never even think of doing those things. So, I think that is what she is referring to, in a covert way, like she thinks that shaming me will prevent me from calling her out on her abuse, or tell others, or try to explain myself?
This is definitely not constructive criticism, and I do not believe that I talk too much or write too much, as I rarely use texting, and dislike long discussions - if anything, I do not speak up enough, or talk about things enough. I told my psychiatrist what she said, and he laughed, he said that is subjective, and something that is a "no win" type of argument, and he said, How do you gauge whether someone writes or talks too much? Do writers write too much, are they bad? Do teachers, lecturers, or reporters talk too much?
I have never had anyone else tell me that I talk or write too much, only the opposite, but when she accuses me, it hurts really bad, she tells me that "other people" will not like it if I talk too much, and tells me to make sure I don't write too long of a text message to my son or other family members, because "they dont like to hear a bunch of crap". I rarely text my family members, and I rarely talk to them on the phone, I do not communicate enough, and the main reason for that is due to the dysfunction in my side of the amily. My husband talks to his parents & his sister daily, it's a ritual thing, if one day went by without him calling them or vise versa, they'd all think something bad happened. I talk to close family members about once every 4 or 5 months, and the conversations are not long at all.
She very recently told me this, AFTER finding out that my husband & I were dealing with a difficult situation. She wanted to visit, but I had to cancel, and I told her that the reason why I did not feel like socializing was due to a difficult situation my husband and I had to deal with, and that I could not handle being shamed & blamed & verbally abused because of it, but I told her this in a nice & sincere way. Several days later, she had to know what was wrong, so we told her, but did not go into details, and she pushed & pushed, I quit answering my phone, she started calling my husband's phone. She caught me off guard, and I finally answered my phone, she went on & on about our situation, but I kept trying to change the subject. She told us what we should and shouldn't do, and said we needed to do a certain thing right away, and that she was going to call my husband every hour until he did it - my husband is a 61 year old adult, and I'm 52, so we don't need someone calling us every hour to remind us of doing something we have not decided to do yet. In this conversation, she told me, "But don't you (do what she suggested) with him, because you talk too much, and they dont want to hear a bunch of crap". A person that she does not know, but is telling us they don't want to hear my crap. I was already upset, and could not respond the way I really should have, so I told her that there would be no need for me to tell them something that did not apply to the situation. I wish I would've said, "At least I do not verbally & emotionally abuse people".
If my mom seen this comment, she would use it to prove that I "write too much". It is long, but the only times in my life where I've ever talked or written a lot like this (as in a discussion) is when I'm discussing the abuse from her, because it is hurtful. Even though I can kind of forgive my mom for not acting like an adult when I was a child, I can't firgive her for not taking responsibility for her behavior after this many years, especially when she has been given hints by many people that she has a disorder. Even though I know I do not need to explain myself, her verbal & emotional abuse hurts me badly, it brings back all of the past abuse, the self doubt & criticism caused by it, and hurts because I don't have a supportive parent, but one that gets narcissistic supply from me, and if I speak up, I get shamed for that, too.
Even though I shouldn't, I feel like I cannot communicate at all, not even one sentence, with any of my family, since she accuses me of talking too much. The time before last that she accused me, not long after, I went with her to a family function, a short car ride, and I did not say much, so she verbally abused me for being too quiet, and she did not stop talking tge entire time. I wish I had a parent who was interested in what I might have to say - I love to hear my own child's voice, no matter what he says. And my husband's parents always tell us both that "It's good to hear your voice." I thought my mom would get better with time, but it's obvious she never will at her age, BPD is nearly impossible to treat, and my Mom went to a doctor once and never went back.
I understand your story. #Hijackal mothers--narcissistic, anti-social, borderline--are competitive with their female children. That means they will do everything to "win" in every conversation and situation. This sounds very much like what your mother is doing.
If your mother is diagnosed with BPD, she will not change without long-term, frequent therapy.
You are giving your mother so much thought, and that is something you are in control of. Do you recognize how much "air-time" you are giving your mother in your head and heart? That's a way that you can stop her from controlling you: accept that your mother behaves this way, and distance yourself from her. She is unlikely to ever give you the approval you are longing for because that is one way she exerts control. It's who she is, and has nothing to do with who you are. I hope you realize that as it can bring you more peace.
Focus on the people who bring you love and joy. Give them your time and energy. Your mother will not likely change, and may get worse as time goes on. You can change, though, and stop expecting her to be different. I know you'd like your mother to be loving, accepting, and approving, however, it's best to find that in other relationships.
I hope that helps you. I wish you well.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Thank You VERY much. Yes, that makes sense. I have had many instances with her where, what should be a normal, casual converstion turns into some type of "competition" or at least it feels that way to me, she doesn't quit pushing unless she "WINS". She will even become extremely illogical, demanding that I "prove" or "explain" logical things that are sometimes ineffable, or things that we all just "know" without needing any proof - it's similar to arguing with someone about the sky being blue, then trying to force them to explain, in detail, WHY the sky is blue.
A conversation like this actually happened where she wanted me to prove why a circle keeps it's shape when the radius/diameter is increased, she literally said that increasing a circle's size (making it larger) causes the shape to change into something that is not a circle anymore! (she knows better than this, but at the time, she was coming up with anything, even if it was illogical, to argue with, and I told her I did not want to argue). When I could not explain this good enough to please her, I asked people on Quora who were math & geometry professors & the like, about how could I have properly explained this (because I doubted myself, thinking that I should've been able to explain it in a way that she could understand), one person responded with just the facts (not actually how to explain it to someone), they just stated that when it's increased, it gets larger, and that it DOES stay the same shape, like I was trying to prove to my mom. Another one replied that a circle is a circle no matter the size, and again, they stated the basic facts of what a circle is, and thought that maybe that there was a mistake in my question, but they could not explain "why" any better than I could, they just stated the facts because the rest is just something that we all "know" according to how things work in this universe. It's like asking why two identical objects of the same weight will weigh twice the weight of one object when weighed together - WHO can really explain something like that? That is definitely crazymaking!
I feel like narcissists and gaslighters use these same tactics. What if someone is affirming lies?
People who affirm the lies of gaslighting narcissists and #Hijackals are what we call "flying monkeys." They need to be ignored while keeping distance from them.
The last woman who gaslighted me got me fired. And now I'm dealing with another 1. Ugh I hate these people.
Oh, that's so difficult! They love to exert power--overt and subtle--in the workplace often.
Yes, people often say "just cut contact with them". But not everyone is married to a narc. Many narcs are in powerful positions, where they impose their will with all kinds of narcissistic strategies. It's very destructive.
Mine will go down a laundry list of insults and every sentence starts with “You think”.. Over and over and over he says You think Im doing this and you think im doing that or you think this is going on and it goes on and on. into a word salad argument. He is a pain in the ass.
What do you say when they put you down viciously , when you say " No .. that not the way I saw it "
My mother would say " Well you must be stupid / delusional etc ." How do you cope with a nasty put down that leaves you crushed . That is hard to be calm ,, because it's such a personal attack.
Yes, it is difficult. And, it is intended to be a personal attack. What can help is to stop expecting the Hijackals to behave differently and reframe what they say to you--at least, in your mind--as "this is not about who I am, it's about who they are." Really, most of what they say about you in situations like that is what they are afraid is true of them. It's projection.
Thanks very helpful 'uk
You're very welcome!
Thankyou for the video it was very informative. Im being gaslighted by my family and ex girlfriend because I'm taking medication they don't agree with from ny doctor. I have had addiction issues but the meds im on or specifically made for addiction problems. Anyway I find out my parents have been gaslightinf me along with my ex girlfriend and alm of my ex friends it is so horrible. I dknt eben know if our 4 year relationship was real or if my parents hired her. I 100% have recently found out they have been communicating and gaslighting me behind my back. I wldnt wish this on my worst enemy.
That sounds very difficult. Now that you realize what has been happening, how will you approach it differently?
Dude the exact same thing Is happening to me, it's bad.
My brother has been very violent when we were kids, ( used to strangle me, throw me through stairs, smash my head on the walls) he also beated up his partners and almost runned over one of them with a route motorcycle. Well, the thing is I came back 4 years ago to my hometown and my brother whom I did not talk to for about 15 years ( always had bad relationship with him) started gaslighting me " we used to have a great relationship" "We were always playing" he made me doubt, I played along until I started loosing sleep, feel pain stomach, he started to engage me on his responsabilities with no boundaries.
My mom passed away one year ago and he clearly has an agenda about it. Watching this vídeos I realised he is a narcisistic, I'm scared of him.
It seems wise that you are recognizing that he may be emotionally dangerous to you. Can you move away once again?
@@ForRelationshipHelp Thank you for your reply. I can't at the moment. We are in the same building ( we inheritated it but still did not go through the court, if I leave he might take over the apartments)
( He tried to manipulate my mom into puting the properties to his name plus tried to make her apply for a loan to buy himself another property)
Another big one is know you don't owe them anything and walk away
Helpful
i learned that being alone is the best thing in the world. nobody can manipulate you. anyone that tries their sociopathic nonsense on me will get a proper GPT response: "I am sorry for the confusion, but I am actually an AI language model, and I don't have a physical existence. Is there anything else I can assist you with?" repeat this on every response until they go away. best way to get rid of psychos.
Lol
The main thing to do is be confident in your thoughts and beliefs, and respond by firmly standing up for yourself.
When someone starts out with name calling, it certainly weakens the argument.
It sure does!
In fact, if someone starts out with name-calling, I would express a boundary right there: "When a conversation begins with name-calling, I withdraw as I know that little good can come from a conversation that starts that way. I'm withdrawing from the conversation now. We can talk again when there is calmness and mutual respect." (That last part is only if you want to solve the issue or think there is a hope of doing so.)
I tried this approach with my mother and she had a meltdown like a 2 year old having a tantrum.
so many have done this to me..sad.
I have a particular person in my life that continually tells me they know me better than I know myself. How do you deal with that.
The BIG gaslight! How to deal with it is to neutrally and quietly respond with: "Actually, that's not true. I know myself better than anyone as I know what I think, feel, need, want, and remember." Just say it each time. The #Hijackal will likely say something dismissive, but hold your ground anyway and don't believe what they try so hard to convince you is true about yourself. I wish you well.
My husband was raised by a hyjackal mother and we currently live with his family. There are moments of peace. Then it builds. Then she attacks me through my children or my husband. We are working towards moving out and improving our finances. Is there any advice for us?
What do you do when you were raised by them, and despite it hurting you, you still adopt those behaviour patterns?
The best thing to do when you can see these cycles is to get help from someone who specializes in toxic relationships and emotional abuse.
as I listen to this, I wonder if I am a hijackal, but my therapist confirmed my husband was emotionally abusive. However, I do get extremely aggravated because he disagrees with whatever I say and has an opposite opinion. And I find myself defining his emotions saying he is trying to power over me or be smarter than me. So does that make me behave like a hijackal?
The axe forgets, the tree remembers.
My mother is like that and my sister coaches her.
Hi how do we find someone like you who works with gaslighting abuse?
lol...well, it seems you found me. That's what I do by video with clients far and wide.
BeAClient.com
They also define your beliefs and what you must believe. If you complain about their nuisance and behavior they think that is what you believe and they double down on that behavior. Meaning whichever language you use they do what they want to do and behave as they want to behave. Then why you need their approval? We can also do what we want to do and be as we want to be... I am talking about case in corporate hijackle. They decide what you should do in career, how much salary you should take, what your career goals should be... They won't ask. Asking you about your career goals is like giving power to you. They don't want. Only way to deal is not to play their game or simply define what you want and if you can't get walk away. Don't stay in any relationship where you are not honoured and respected. Where your needs are not met. If they can't take atleast 50% responsibility for relationship then you release the grip on that as well. You feel lighter and better.
I
Good thoughts! Thanks for adding them.
how we feel might not be correct tho, what then? its not gaslighting anymore so when is it?
Good question! I think that, when anyone suggests something about ourselves, we are wise to first be self-reflective. Following that, if we are unsure if what they are saying is true about us, ask a trusted friend.
Hijackals gaslight others because they can. They are looking for power over their prey. When we check within or with others we trust, we begin to see the gaslighting for what it is.
I hope that helps.
This is what happened ti me all the time
Thank you so much forbyour heart to help others! You're an encouragement. What do you recommend for someone who expresses their feelings in humility to a hijackal, and the hijackal tells that person they shouldn't share their feelings, or have no right to do so?
You're so welcome!
Sadly, Hijackals love it when you are vulnerable, raw, and open to them. When you share your feelings, they will take that as a moment to have power over you. They'll deny your feelings, as you mentioned, or weaponize your feelings by blaming you for them at the time, or later in a conversation with others. Nasty!
@@ForRelationshipHelp thank you for the reply. I try to refrain from ever saying someone or somethis hopeless, but a narcissist or hijackal may be close. It's sad, and shows me they have so much inner brokenness they don't even realize and it's not only hurting themselves, but so many others. While I never give up on people, I have been facing the emotional trauma I carry caused by my narcissistic father, and at 46 yrs old, I am finally feeling some freedom. It is helping recognize that my boss is so similarly toxic and threatening, and I am putting boundaries in place with both him and my father. I'm tired of feeling powerless as an adult woman. Your podcasts and videos are definitely helping me. Blessings to you!
Never share your feelings with that person again, without first preparing for their worst response possible. Keep expectations realistic, and when emotional support is needed, go to someone trustworthy, someone who has your best interest at heart (and a mature understanding of the issue when seeking advise).
And pray! God can change hearts!
mother 83, daughter 65. Toxic relationship, can you reply?
The truth is we are not perfect and some people may not accept the reality of our imperfections and even gaslighters would say i dont expect you to be perfect
I recognize things you are saying. in me. I'm a gaslighter. and I don't want to be.
there are tons of advise for these who suffers from persons like me.
but we are also victims.
I don't want to be like that.
and I haven't found anyone who would help us, me.
piece of advice? help? thank you.
Good insight! The important thing is to learn to use my Personal Weather Report masterfully so that you will not consider gaslighting others, if you're in that habit. Here's a video I did about it: th-cam.com/video/mFCZohqaFMM/w-d-xo.html
I am really happy that you are recognizing this in yourself. People who do this, might also be really good folks having a couple of bad moments i reckon i might have done it myself in the past, ( i am still in therapy healing from parental negligence), the AMAZING thing is that you have noticed it good luck hun ❤
Was with one for 20 years, almost killed my kids and i, we lost ourselves.....slowly coming out of it now
Hi i live in Sweden and here is not any knowledge about narssesistic upbringing and adult relationship i try to explain but it get the opposite that a dont have fact want fysisk prove dont know how psychological it is .I need to speak to a terapeut or concoler about my experience i dont have somebody to talk to and so hard alone and heal all alone .Is there Someone ? 💕
My question for you is this, why would I put so much effort into this relationship to go around in circles with someone like that? If you are in a relationship like this just get out!
Some people are not quite ready to leave and need suggestions. Some people just realized what's happening and need time to process. Everyone is at different stages of understanding and action.
@@ForRelationshipHelp I appreciate the videos u do for us who cant leave at this time
My mother basically 😢
Yes, it's sad behavior...and a loss for you.
Hi you are a strong women. I was married 18 years to a narc.
Hi! I'm sure you've learned a lot and become strong, too, after your experiences.
I hate gaslighter they want control over me .it's sick if they want my attention over .that narccistic. I make self poster to keep me silent when they do gaslighting to me .now they do with yelling and loudly.
I don't think my Highjackle knows he is even doing it.....
You're right! Hijackals are so used to their behaviors, thoughts, motivations, fears, etc. that they respond quite automatically. You'll know how aware a Hijackal is by where they choose to engage in a behavior and where they know better, usually.
Do you think people's criticism, or attempt to get you to second guess yourself, could come through non-verbal.means? Example Getting uncharacteristically quiet, or , smirking in s "knowing" way, or when right as you're focused on something, asking "WHAT are you DOING? or "Why are you doing it THAT way?" That happens to me with one friend. When I explain that I feel like she's judging me or that it's unnerving and feels like she's criticizing me, denies it and says, "Oh you're imagining that. That's your insecurity,." That it's all in my head and I am trying to tell her what she thinks. But she isn't offering feedback. She's just testing me to see what my answer is." But the smirk is there, and there's no reassurance or undetstanding of what I am struggling with. .It's "Oh pppffftttlllpppt! ha ha...You are crazy." I then think, "Damn. I am crazy." I second guess what I am sensing. Am I just "paranoid" and insecure?
OH, YES! That's what #Hijackals do to gain control! She'll say whatever she wants, and then tell you you're wrong for how you interpret it, or that she's just kidding, or you're being unreasonably sensitive, so...... Sounds like a great person to spend less time with!
@@ForRelationshipHelp Thank you. I am bad at picking friends. I am so lonely I attach too easily. I need to be more careful. She had me convinced *I* was the one trying to say what she was thinking. I was just trying to get clarity. Gaslighting is abuse. My new motto: If it feels confusing and icky, it probably is.
@@rain3743 Good motto! You can observe someone's behavior--free of rose-colored glasses and wishful thinking---and see if you look forward to being with them, and want to stay around them. Usually, when you honor your "gut" in these circumstances, you recognize you feel unsafe around them.
Humans communicate more nonverbally than they do verbally - Body language, facial & micro expressions, and we are born with the ability to understand nonverbal communication, and unlike languages, it is universal. Your body's reaction does not lie to you like people do, you're right, if it feels icky, it IS. Also, people who were abused as children, and/ or who had a parent with a mental disorder, are often times more aware of, and better at reading nonverbal communication, because they literally had to as a child, like looking at their mother's face in trying to determine if she's angry or not, because facial expressions are more reliable than words. Kids do this because they try to gauge their parents to know what to expect, especially when they fear their parents rages, and then try to act appropriately as to not further enrage the abusive parent, or to please the parent. For abused kids, it's even more of a survival skill than it is for people in general. Trust how other's behavior makes you feel, your body does not lie like words do.
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Do victims ever get angry at others for being victims?
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Gaslighted mann damn