Blame Shifting: Counteracting This Crazy-Making Way Narcissists Try To Win
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 พ.ย. 2020
- You know that everything will be your fault if you're with a narcissist, a Hijackal. The nasty skill of blame-shifting is a sneaky specialty. Infuriating. Frustrating. Unfair. So, how do you respond? Join in and get some insights and tips for dealing with it.
#narcissist #hijackal #blameshifting
* * Remember, narcissists and other toxic people come in all genders and ages * *
and toxic relationships can be at home, at work, at play... with your parent, boss, spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker.
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I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
Are you in relationship with a Hijackal? That's someone who consistently puts you down, love-bombs and gaslights you, creates confusion and chaos, and causes you to second-guess yourself? I can help you recognize, understand, and make decisions about those kinds of narcissistic behavior…and especially, how to keep yourself (and your children) safe and sane.
No worries about where in the world you live. I work through private, secure video conferencing. So, we can certainly work together to figure a few things out.
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The most wild thing about dealing with narcissists, is that talking with them does nothing beneficial for you. They can't meet you half-way. They can't see your side. They can't be honest. And they can't respect your boundaries, or goals, or pursuit of happiness.
Yes! Wild. Frustrating. Infuriating. Nasty.
You speak wisely. I difinatley can relate to everything you are saying. Thanks for the good advise. When I am hoping to have a conversation that might lead to resolving anything the hyjackle brings his opinion and judgment in about how I handled situations with others. This is an attempt to completely turn the focus off of himself. These situations he brings up are not his business. I am also accused of never admitting to doing anything wrong. Tonight I was told that I think I am God. I chose to cut off any further, useless conversation.
They are masters of b*******. They know that they are wrong and they're just trying to feed
Agreed, wholeheartedly.
My ex pretended to be supportive of my dreams but would underhandedly csll the songs I produced garbage. They were all idea tracks, not near completed whatsoever. At first I thought he just had no vision but he clearly just didn't respect me or my creative work. There's a way to say you simply don't like something without being so cold-hearted.
so true. funny how everything everyone says is so on point. its like this is a very distinct replicated phenomenon..
Another therapist said "an accusation is actually a confession" 🥺
The circular conversations trying to resolve conflicts is exhausting. They can run in circles for days, youll never win
I cant get my head around the hypocrisy of their blame and shame game for others when getting shamed is their biggest fear.
It’s a double standard. They get mad at you when you do the things they do to you.
They can yell at you, but you can’t raise your voice.
They can say everything wrong about you, but when you try to express your feelings you get a dose of the silent treatment or accusing YOU of blame shifting.
Stay away from the avoidants, which are narc lites and narcs. Your life will be much the better for it
I have to listen to you so I can remind myself that I'm not crazy. I considered changing my name to San Andreas, because it was always my fault.
Good. I'm glad that you are clear that you are not crazy.
I love the San Andreas reference. Clever! lol
That has to be the coolest play on words i've ever heard. Thanks for making me laugh today. I really needed it.☺💜👍
Aye, too much on our plate with a narc😉
Haha! I'm gonna use that one.. I expect to be discarded this bank branch has closed.
Never have I identified so much with a comment 😅 totally made my day lol, thank you!
I think the hardest to accept part of it all, with the exception of our own loss of self worth and mental stability, is that these people will continue their pathetic, surface dwelling lives completely oblivious to the amount of damage they leave in their wake. The lack of self awareness is astounding with these types of people and because of that they will likely continue to live their best lives whilst destroying those closest to theirs.
Yep
To their death the greed is palpable!!! Oh, they destroy everyone in their way to achieve their goals. They always seem like they’re there for you to help but be careful. It’s a vampire.
So true about blame shifting for the narcissist. After a while you can see patterns of these disgusting people.
Every time a narcissist is nice - be on high allert - he/she plot something - it's the silence bevore the storn -
some shitt will comne fly at you.
It's true! You may find further validation for your point in this episode: th-cam.com/video/1Zb5agSilmU/w-d-xo.html
Is the hijackal another name for a narcissist? My husband of 39 years has so many narcissistic traits. The one that drives me crazy is blame shifting! No matter my argument, he can ALWAYS either turn it back on me or justify himself. Unreal! 😖
I created the term, Hijackals, to talk about patterns, traits, cycles, and behaviors of people who are toxic. Many of these would comprise the criteria for narcissism, anti-social disorders (sociopathy, psychopathy), borderline, and passive-aggressive behaviors, too.
Bottom line. There is no life with a narcissist
I'm currently dealing with this also though i don't feel my husband is narcissistic. I have a lot of my faults and I own them. I wish he would his. He denies during arguments, and puts blame on me. At the end of the argument, he softens, admits he was wrong, etc. But then the very next argument he can deny the same behavior again that he just apologized. I'm emotionally exhausted. 😪 I developed depression due to the gaslighting and blame shifting. He knows what bothers me...and I think he uses it against me. 😢
@@kristentt Just because you married him doesn't mean you have to stay. Se he the narcissist will never change you have a choice. The thing is all the gaslighting and put downs are designed to lower your self-esteem so that you won't leave. Figure it out. your husband is an insecure narcissist, incapable of compassion. This will be your life forever unless you learn to value yourself, which he has taught you not to do.
@@kristentt gosh yes my love does this as well! Tho often it takes hours of discussion before she admits. Exhausting.
And she isn't full on a narc I think.
I think I need to leave.
again we arrive at the issue of adult child narcs. There is no way to dis-emesh. As they get older they take over. In not addressing this urgent need, parents are at huge risk, physical, mental, emotional. No they may not have been perfectly balanced parents all the time...but all their parenting is turned against them because all the narc ever hears is ... parents are to blame.
These people don't listen fully. They hear bits and pieces as chances to get something they want. No matter what you do. You can change and all but they won't see it as a reason to change. Change for you. Grow for you.
How can you change someone who doesn't want to change and haven't changed regardless of what happens? They will blame others and situations.
You're exactly right. These people abhor effort. And love, care, concern, support and empathy require effort. They all play the victim and justify not giving and caring because of their decisions made long ago to remain self-absorbed.
It was especially frustrating when he started "telling" me what I thought and how I felt for me!!!! All I could do was ya, stand back and realize that he was in his own world MAKING reality be what he wanted it to be, regardless of what the real reality was.
He was in his own world, while gaslighting you. Hijackals like to do that for control Fortunately, it didn't work any longer for him with you!
Are you recording MY husband? He does this all the damn time! He also explains my own childhood to me. I am older than he; he couldn't even pee on his own when I started school. I am so angry I could spit.
That’s my mom. I basically don’t exist in her bubble, so she makes up all of what I’m supposed to be. It’s the craziest shit a person can do to another person.
That’s true I seen it !!
"Don't poke a hijackel", so freaking true, just get out slowly and safely.
So the person who does this with me used to turn a discussion into an argument that would last for hours. Sometimes late into the early hours and he would threaten the relationship when I would hang up to sleep and I felt forced to answer the phone to him. I started to become so sick of it I would rage back and I ended up with anger issues because of it. I got help for said anger issues and learned some things to do if I felt my anger rise to stay calm. Now I don't react or try to defend myself. I stay calm no matter how much they shout and I point out that I will not discuss anything with them unless it's about the original issue, just like my therapist taught me. I disengage but I now get accused if thinking I'm above him because I stay so calm. No longer does it lead to me crying uncontrollably and struggling to breath because it gets me in such a state. I still get anxiety when it happens but I also don't show it. I hide it and disengage then take the time to breathe.
OMG 😮just like me I had a massive anxiety attack had to call an ambulance he just got up and walked out on me
Somehow it was still my fault because he said I’d faked it to get off topic.
When I say I don’t remember that happening, he says “of course you don’t “. See that is his famous line and it plays into the incompetence he claims I have
That's adding gaslighting to blameshifting! Nasty.
This podcast is 100% truth! My ex would wake me in the middle of the night screaming at me to engage me. Or at a time when I was extremely tired or getting ready for work ...I realize now he wanted a reaction! It’s so hard to wrap your brain around someone you love & thought you could trust is actually your enemy.
Hi, Pam!
Oh, yes! It is so disappointing, frustrating, and infuriating to recognize that you cannot trust a #Hijackal to provide any healthy input into a relationship. I know. I've been there, too. I'm glad you're watching, and invite you to subscribe to my podcast, too. SaveYourSanityPodcast.com
Rhoberta
I was caregiving for my mother who would make noises at night that would keep me awake and upset. I thought it was her dementia. Turns out when i asked at the nursing home she was later in how they handled the noises....THEY SAID SHE NEVER made them. Omg i felt like such an idiot. She was just doing it to get a rise out of me.
My daughter in law did , and still does this to my son. He started sleeping downstairs locking his door but this engaged her even more. He wasn't trying to be nasty, he just wanted to sleep and eventually he became frightened of what she would do or try and provoke him to do. Yes, this is a woman so gender isn't always absolute
@orchidlover8328 - yup going thru this. It seemed like selective dementia! It's from a stroke. She could be surprisingly sweet & calling me "dear"
Then when I left Scotland
(Been up to visit her in the home( after 12 days...
To drive all way back to Sth West England
She refused to even say goodbye! Typical.
I wept @ the front door
Not from saying goodbye to her as much
As the hell of having such a twisted mother.
Her twisted hand & mouth from the stroke
Are like her Ways: twisted
Yeah it's really sad I have a sister and a eldest daughter like that they are two peas in the pod they can't wait to see each other you would think they were twins they're both so highly narcissist perhaps that is why they get along so well I have decided to back off and leave them to their selves and as a mom and a sister to find my own happiness elsewhere with people that value and respect you no more blaming thank you for your TH-cam TH-cam😊
I love their “hypothetical scenario” setting where they make up an imaginary scenario-setting, to make some kind of contrived point, they do this pseudo psychic talk where they talk as if they, know what you, are thinking, or know as if what you would do; and then make a scenario setting story to basically make their illogical point, so they can be “right”. Maybe this made sense maybe not. Must be a name for this tactic.
Hey I am experiencing the same problem. My partner threatens to commit suicide if I leave.
Word salad!
Might as well throw your brain in a blender...
Sounds like hive mind or group think. Sounds like conspiracy..
@@LG141602 he's already dead on the inside ,at least he will find his truth and your total freedom🎉❤
Made total sense this is how they distort reality to align with whatever craziness they are creating in their head. They dont ask you shit and they assume they kno everything you want or think when in all honesty they are the more predictable ones lol its a real mind fuck if you dont understand how they think
This was my ex-fiancé. She kept trying to mold me into a man of her own image that she could control rather than respect me as my own individual. I was always the negative one, and she’d use her Christian beliefs as a way of thinking she was more “positive” than I was.
In our final conversation before we went our separate ways, it had everything to do with my mistakes, and there was nothing I could do to change it. I had to be very careful with my words or else she would accuse me of blame, or that I would inflict her with pain when she couldn’t express why she felt that way. Her style of communication was such a pain and often times that just led to so many arguments. Not that I’m an angry person, but because I wasn’t being understood.
I dodged a major bullet.
It seems you did just that: you wisely dodged a bullet. Congratulations!
You’re lucky it was a girlfriend, for me it’s my mom. Craziest shit ever. She has demonstrated her contempt and unhappiness regarding me for 40 years. Nothing I do is good enough. I finally stopped talking to her. Narcissists can without a doubt drive you crazy.
@@florencia2771- me too. But Lord help you if & when you return.
I’ve encountered these types in communal living, I have to live here until I get my approval for low income apartment. There are so many I encountered who treat me like this . I’m an empath trying to heal from years of toxic relationships going back to my parents. I’m applying for a one bedroom apartment. I’ve decided I’d rather live alone.
What on earth is going on. ME too in communal living ...same with a friend I've just met. It seems everywhere. I'm surrounded where I live.
thank you for this...many times in this video I kept saying “uh-huh, and yuppppp” the more that I read up on blame-shifting, gas lighting, etc the more I’m convinced I cannot stay in my relationship with my wife of 10 years.
As you recognize that patterns, you begin to realize that you have probably spent a long time in relationship trying to make someone happy who has no intention of being so for longer than a hot minute. If that's what you've woken up to, I'm sure you are questioning your relationship.
If I can help, I invite you to use my new client introductory one-hour session at BeAClient.com
I wish you well.
Rhoberta
Please don't.
@@sinceresong9907 why?
I hope you have been able to leave.
It's a stomach turning moment when the fog lifts and you see the relationship for what it REALLY is/was. 😥
Goodluck
Oh my, this is exactly what has happened to me. " OH, NOT THIS AGAIN" Labels, put-downs. Things left undone that were promised. I'm not reacting. He is blocked. Now he has started to do some weird text messaging thing where I have to get a code to open it. He will see I'm not opening it. They will try any which way
It's good that he gives you such a clear way to show him that you're not interested, right?
Just at work yesterday the mask fell off a coworker and now I know what they are and will only be polite from now on , but not engage with them. The coworker was rude and after I said, "that I didn't appreciate the way they were speaking to me" the coworker said, " she was giving it as good as she recieved" I hadn't spoken ugly towards her at all. Thankfully for me there was another coworker there that witnessed what was said and her eyes were as big as they could possibly get looking at me like she couldn't believe what she just heard.
I told the narc that I'm glad there's a witness to what just took place. Narc shut her mouth. They prefer to gaslight in private. LOL. Now I know to stay clear no matter how nice she acts tomorrow.
He says I need medication whenever he’s confronted
Anything to put you down and make you wrong, right? That's what Hijackals do, sadly.
Pfffft ahahahah theyrre pathetic I got called crazy for walking slowly on purpose when doing what the narc wants and they told me I was rebelling against myself which made no sense lol
Yes typical, nasty blame shifting. My guess is he needs medication...dont most these narcissists. They actually tell you a lot about themselves in what they attempt to deflect.
Some of my family members are narcissists and love to blame others for their shortcomings,I think they need to wake up.
You are spot on! Thank you for sharing your information and video with everyone!
Love yourself and heal yourself to the core and no more blaming other unloved souls with narcissistic traits
Their default tactics. 1. Deny 2. Deflect. 3. Redirect. I like to listen to them try spin it around back onto you like I was a 3rd person who walking into the room. A good thing to say is "are you aware you start every sentence with the word, "no"? A respectful empathetic person would say something like "oh I wasn't aware I was even doing that. Thank you for pointing that out. I will work on that." Hijackles will just "no YOU start every sentence with no". I call that parroting. If you have downloaded a voice recorder app so you can later review their tone, what was said, how aggressive or passive aggressive they were, their persistence to get you to cave, how they only allow the conversation to move on unless you say you did something wrong too. It not always 50/50. Yes it takes 2 people to nurture a relationship, but only one to kill it. Example you call your partner asking for help unloading the car with groceries. In your mind they would be in the driveway waiting to great you with a smile. Their idea of helping you was to get up and leave the door cracked and go back to what they were doing. They will try to justify that with "you didn't give me enough heads up." It's at that moment you see the shinny finish melt away revealing the tarnished crummy exterior that reflects their true feelings. You are there to serve them, not the other way around.
I met a man about 4 months ago. As time passed, I noticed he was arrogant. He believed everyone loved him at his job. Though he was let go. I noticed when ordered food. He was rude. Then the habits of saying he's sorry, only to say he's sorry on a regular basis now. With each sorry, somehow it's always my fault or if I didn't do this or say that. In his eyes, we wouldn't be going down this road. I noticed that my feelings weren't being validated. Whenever I point out the way, he raises his voice or him, leaving out a big chuck of his life. Only to drop in my lap. Arrangements him and his ex-wife made. That he didn't discuss with me. Now he's mad with me. Saying (oh, don't act like you're so innocent in this matter). The icing on the cake, having him hang up the phone in my face in the middle of a conversation. To hear him say a couple of days later. When I brought it up (sorry, "he says, but it was late, and I was cranky). The difficult part is telling yourself this bad behavior is okay. But it's not. it's a slow process of you questioning what you see and feel isn't real. While trying to tell yourself it won't happen again. If it feels wrong in your spirit, then listen to that inner voice and let this person go.
Thank you so much. I'm in tears and had a terrible day with my husband and I found this. He wakes up some mornings and just gets angrier and angrier. I wake up in a good mood and it seems to make it worse! He just gets more and more aggressive until I ask why he's so mad and he won't answer. I told him over and over that hes hurting my feelings and scaring me and I don't understand what's going on. He'll finally tell me (through his teeth, hands clenched) it's all my fault because he has to repress his rage and can't express himself. His anger scares me and I don't understand. It got so bad I had to take him to a friend's today and on the way I see now I did everything you said not to do but I'm so so tired of this...conflict...for no reason. He threatened me today and said I have no idea how much rage he holds back that he has against me and if I keep pushing the issues I'll regret it. I think its time to leave and get help. I can't keep trying when he doesn't seem to care. His paranoia, resentment, and constant need to make sure he's always looking out for himself are just getting worse. 10 years of marriage doesn't mean I need 10 more if it's like this. Thank you, doctor.
When someone threatens your physical safety, make a police report. He's clearly intending to make you feel unsafe and unsure. I'm glad you are looking to leave. His behavior is unacceptable and possibly dangerous. Reach out if you want more clarity with your plan: BeAClient.com
@@susanaltenhofen6450 I did. He moved out a month ago.
Show his threats to the authorities. You are in danger he is telling you to obey or be attacked violently. Please get a recording of some of these threats before he realizes you are aware.
@@jamesrutter4100 Thank God, I'm married to someone else and it's a great relationship. These videos helped me know my worth and see that both of us were sick and toxic.
My Hijackel always said I know you better than you know you.
The hijackel only knows the unwanted parts of itself it projected onto you.
Dear Rhoberta, thank you so much. Fear of conflict is a real key for them to keep us under control
I'd also say; as well as fear
They are incredibly proud & (the entitlement + no empathy/ accountability); so so angry. Its like a misery you see in their dark eyes. They are cold & so cruel.
I think they hate our light
Here's something that happened to me. I was stressed, working and I skipped lunch and my boyfriend offered to microwave the soup and prepare some toast for both of us. While he was preparing the toast, I started a call with a work colleague to discuss about an issue I had and suddenly I hear something falling on the ground behind my back and him leaving the kitchen. Later he gives me the silent treatment and then tells me he is mad at me for dropping his phone on the floor, because a few minutes before having my call I stared at him for making noise in the kitchen and my death stare caused him so much distress that, when I joined the call, he was suddenly scared, stressed to leave the kitchen and lost his shit.. so according to him I have to accept that when I get mad at something, I do it in such a bad way, that I make him lose his temper, do mistakes he says is not responsible for, etc. At the end of the day he was also mad that I did not show compassion (ask him about his feelings, show that I care about his trouble), when he gave me the silent treatment during and after we had our lunch. I was, as he put it, too conceited to make the first step and show compassion in spite of his silence (which I see as unfair treatment).
On the same day, before going to sleep, I was writing down about this experience in my phone notes, so I can judge the situation fresh next morning. He sees that I am typing a long text, so he asks several times what I am doing, I give generic replies (staying on my phone, just doing something..) and he insisted so much (even asked whether I am chatting with someone about what has happened during the day), that I said to him that it is private and that it is not his business what I do on my phone and he used that reply to say that he will remember my hostile attitude and will behave the same when he will be in my place in the future. He was mad again, because I didn't know how to evade his insistent questions.
This is troubling. Obviously, you find it so as well. He seems dedicated to finding a way to blame you for his own emotions and reactions. That is a typically covert Hijackal response. I hope you'll watch many of my videos to see in what other ways he may be exhibiting Hijackal behaviors. What you're describing is emotional abuse.
I often end up here because my husband is an A**hole. This is the only place where I can say it safely. He is mean, and not accountable.
every time i point out the problem i have to hear “You had your part in this “ they won’t/can’t specify what part,but they will insist that i caused part of it
What's weird is how much i miss and love the person that tried to use my ill health to get me killed. I know how negative this relationship has been with my ex-girlfriend and I've actually gotten much healthier and am recovering from severe lung disease since our relationship ended. I have been using the negative experiences with her as a stepping stone instead of letting it make me feel like a victim that can't or won't get up. Of course i will have times i really miss her. What helps is the pain i still feel from her narcissism and my own will to defend myself keeps me from wanting to live that ever again. Eventually i will be ready to meet a new wonderful person to experience life. Im also totally ok with living life and its challenges all by myself. I may be a little lost now but im getting it figured out. Thanks for this video is very insightful and helpful. I've been able to gain weight my lung symptoms are all in remission and have been living a sober lifestyle since this relationship ended. So much instant improvement. I am amazed at how much i destroyed myself over loving another. Good luck and may the universe or God or the force helps you get through this.
Good for you!
🕊️Keep Your Soul protected 🕊️
Well , I have been with my husband for over 30 years. I recall a little story my husband told me about his boyhood . He told me that there was a new little boy in his class at school who happened to be German . My husband had trodden in some dog pooh and walked it into class . The teacher said ' oh , whats that smell ? Someone has some dog pooh on there shoes . ' My husband told me he shot his hand up and pointed at the German boy , and shouted ..
' Miss , it's him ' . He told me this years ago , and when I heard it I thought ...hmm, really ? It was a little red flag . Years on I now know he is a master blame shifter . He is apology constipated . He very rarely says sorry . Ever . If I have done something wrong or made a boo boo , I admit to it . I apologise . He cannot seem to do that. Even with small domestic things . He finds a way to twist the blame back on me . He back peddles down a twisty path to hit upon the spot where the root of the blame was . Always with me .
That's the essense of blameshifting and projection. Does he have other Hijackal traits?
This happens with alcoholics as well. There’s ways around it with them.
My family has serious issues blaming even after 55 years - to cover up what they are ashamed of admitting so they need to shift blame onto the victims - so they try to intimidate/threaten and they use the strategy of triangulation as well to gaslight and continue to lie, rumours and anything to get the victim in trouble - provocation. It's a conflict of interests when they use their own child to achieve their sick/twisted blaming games/power trips/head games and basically not love, not caring (oh they are wolves in sheep's clothing - be careful!) The best advice is to not poke them or show their wrongs - oh my, they will be so angry, so guilty, so ashamed that they will justify anything, everything they will do to destroy you personally. This is not friends, this is not love, its abandonment, betrayal, and no conscience, sociopathic/borderline and narcissistic - and are interested in using you as their scapegoat, to go off with their sins, so you can suffer under their weights! Stay calm and don't get upset, retrain yourself - don't defend yourself - you are not guilty, don't say its your fault - observe, and resist the urge to comfort them - that just drives their motive to blame you, you are not worth anything to them ok - please get that ok - once you understand that they aren't your friends, you aren't important to them, no matter that you want to be a good person - they ride upon this!! That we/you care - don't show them this - observe, stay strong - don't react, don't poke them - they will want revenge - more hate and no matter how much they claim they are caring, and loving you - do not believe this, or they will attack ruthlessly. See a psychologist reprogram and retrain the brainwashing this crazy-making does. Toxic relationships and look up profiles of criminal minds!!
This is my mother… the worst part is I’m almost 15 years older than my brothers, she did it to me and now I watch her do it to them and how it impacts them, I have a good bond with them and I really understand them- so I do my best to support them without playing devils advocate.
My mother however when I try to explain to her why they feel the way they do- she claims it’s because I talked with them about it so I MADE them feel that way- meanwhile if you have a good basis of empathy you can see what’s going on how her words affect them and why they feel how they do.
She literally has to blame someone for everything even tho it’s her overly critical nature and reactions that make her children hate themselves and store a lot of rage. I’ve been interested in psychology and have done much therapeutic intervention for the past 5 years so I have definitely healed and am secure in myself, she doesn’t mess with me much anymore- however she often displays jealously and a serious superiority complex when I try to tell her that maybe she could’ve approached something differently or that how she explodes may have a negative influence on my brothers when they’re older. She truly doesn’t care tho she ONLY cares about being right and displacing blame, she doesn’t care about how her children feel, she only cares if you’re useful and make her look good.
I’m almost certain she is a narcissist through close observation, but I can never be 100% sure as I am not educated enough to make that diagnosis indefinitely.
Yeah, thats so funny their statements- I know you better than you know yourself. Its so manipulative!
I told my mother if I had a normal loving supporting family to help me get to the point where I could* move our on my own; I was met with “you and your brother are spoiled! And if you lived in the inner city and were on welfare bla bla bla bla bla bla bla!” Rapid fire from her. Hung up immediately. Went into a full rage on the phone with me.
Thankful to hear all these..
You my dear are an earth angel!!! Thank you so “very” much for your wisdom!!! For so many who do not have the finances to afford therapy this is a God send!!! I love you sweet sweet Lady!
Great advice - very supportive - thank you.
Thank you, Rhoberta! This is definitely one of the best, most helpful videos about blame shifting and practical coping strategies. I hope many, many people will follow the advice you give here. It's absolutely on point. Keep up the good work. :-))
"You just want me to say what you want hear." After me not reacting, just being impartial and observing.
Best information I have found. I can't thank you enough.
Dr. Shaler always explaining exactly my family experiences. Wish I knew this stuff earlier in my life, but better late than never! Thank you Dr. S! You are on point.
Thank you! You are a God-send. I really really needed this
You're welcome!
Such an important video. Love how you explain things. Very helpful, thank you.
My 17 yo son is an expert at this. My husband and I are losing our minds. He doesn't accept responsibility for his poor choices, doubles down when we enact any consequences, cannot apologize and blames me for causing all the stress in the house. The reality in his head is disconnected from the rest of the world. I fear for his safety and his future but I also feel like he will have to go through some significant hardship before there is even a chance that he might come around.
It sounds as though your son needs specialized help...which he is unlikely to accept. It's sad, I know. He will find the world a difficult place and the world may not even be enough to disabuse him of the notion that he can reject or sidestep responsibility and accountability. He is the author of his behavior and its consequences, though. Hijackals persist in blaming everyone and everything else. So difficult!
If you'd like to talk about it with me, here's my new client link: www.beaclient.com
Don’t allow him to live with you indefinitely.
You have excellent videos. Thank you, Rhoberta. 💞
You are so welcome
Thank you. You’re very knowledgeable. I love your delivery of the subject matter too, very clear, articulate, detailed and you have a natural humor and warmth.
So true in my situation. Thank you for this video
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you!!! You just validated what I have felt was happening with my marriage
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you so very much for this video, I will watch it again and I have a hijackal in my life who has exactly these patterns and behaviors.❣️
You are so welcome!
Thank you so so much for taking your time out to make this video! Your a angel!
You are so welcome!
I agree. That’s how you can tell when someone truly cares about improving not only their experience in this world, but the experience of those external to them. It’s what each of us do to elevate the state of the collective which separates the genuinely kind hearted from the ones who genuinely are not.
It’s also difficult because the atmosphere of tension is worse when ignoring their crap
Difficult, for sure. Not responding to their crap is good if it means that you see it for what it is and don't engage. Not responding by just putting up with it is a whole other thing.
There's going to be tension, no matter what, if the Hijackal is not always ruling the roost, sadly.
I noticed the lovely Haida art! My favorite place out west is the UBC Museum of Anthropology, with Reid's Raven and the clam shell. Brilliant work! Thanks for the important information.
Thank you! Very enlightening!
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you! This helped me so much.
Thank you for this topic help so much ❤️.
This was excellent and all so true. I am angry right now. Husband blames me for my daughter getting very emotional and very upset over her college classes in which she’s struggling. He said to me that. “I was too involved in her applying to college” I took her on college visits too much”. Huh???? Could this response be because he refused my request to not smoke pot before we had this talk over my concern about her? Could it be because he didn’t take college seriously? Is it because he didn’t go on any of our college trips with us? He has to blame someone or something for everything.
Hi, Gwen,
Good question! #Hijackals engage in projection. That's when a person accuses you of what they fear is true of themselves. Sounds like projection, then, doesn't it?
You cannot gain a thing by pointing out projection to a #Hijackal. It's something you recognize and let the realization sink in long enough to expect the behavior. Then, you make a decision about what to do with the relationship!
I wish you well.
Rhoberta
@@ForRelationshipHelp
Well unfortunately he did not participate much in the college application process or attend school functions for her prior to college. So he’s not projecting that.
Thank you for your work, you’re awesome x
Excellent and informative. Thank you
Omg this has me crying
Are you crying because it is familiar?
perfection. thank you
Thank You So Much God Bless🙏
Thank you, Doctor...
You're very welcome!
My ex told me " I liked an early version of you, the version that was an act" ....."you lied and manipulated to make things the way you wanted them".. well at least she knows what SHE did lol Why do they think they can fling their flaws onto people to get rid of them? How do they think that actually works?
I needed to hear this
Great video. These strategies are very effective.
Glad you think so!
I tried to radically accept my husband before I knew he was a capital N narcissist. He went crazy with rage and decided to have a new fantasy about himself and acted so nuts, I had to run with my kid out the house!
Thank you o my gosh you saved me I can’t believe I found this video.
Great info, thank you. I need to hear it on repeat, the projection is their inability to cope with their own shame. If your parents did this, this can be like a tattoo on us, takes effort to stop internalising the projection. The partners who do this are so loving and even demonstrate enormous wisdom and empathy. That's where the stickiness is. We want to believe in them. Feedback: please don't lump "borderlines" in with sociopaths and those with NPD. My upbringing led to me developing BPD and lived with it unknowingly into my late 30s. After years of hard work, I no longer meet the diagnosis. I met many, many people with BPD. None of us were abusive to others. This is a social media myth. Unless there's a co-morbidity, we tend to harm ourselves the most.
Thank you for this
I have two sisters who do this, the only way to get my self confidence back was to cut them from my life entirely. This was a dynamic between my 4 older siblings, even my brother will indulge in this on one sisters behalf. Luckily I spent my very early childhood with an elderly Aunt, this kept me out of their way at a crucial time.
Thank you ❤
I just joined your podcast! Thanks
your so great😊 Doctor
He went to Florida to visit a friend. After he came home he told me he had taken another woman with him. Then he ended the relationship and blamed me.
And if I was so low on the totem pole why did he want me in the first place?
I would love more of examples of behavior in terms of friendship
Woooow Thank you
I have no use for these demonic evil game players who are full of hate!!( They dont have anything i want or need)
This is what the Canadian government and also my building manager does as well, and they know I don't care or love them.
This podcast takes away my guilt. I am a nice caring person. I am a registered nurse patient compassionate BUT i have given birth to a monster. The first thing you do is blame yourself. They blame you then comes sadness, hopelessness and what have I done to cause this? I have realised what is happening at least a year ago listening to podcasts. The vest therapy you can get by tge way. BUT it doesnt make it easier knowing as I have to start being someone I am not to live with him YET try to be myself with other normal people. I cannot get that balance right yet. I unfortunately live with him as I cannot afford a place for him yo go to as I am 71 and he is 35 BUT i never stop planning as I Cannot live the next few years i have under one roof.
Thank you
You're welcome!
It's terrible when all someone wants is the person they met
Only to be replaced by a Evil malicious false person starts arguments shifts blame when u stand up for yourself they end up lashing out name calling the victim mental and handi cap then when speak up for your self gets hit slapped or spat in face
It is a terrible "bait & switch", isn't it? You thought the person you met was real and then find that was a mask. The real person is unpleasant, manipulative, dishonest, and devaluing. Sad.
My wife would use our kids to get a reaction and she knows that it would hurt me so much to see the kids in tears.Every time we argue and fight she would then go tell our kids that were going to seperate and the kids would end up crying.Two years had pass and yet the faces of the kids on tears because of her doing still comes back to me.
That's so sad. So nasty. So needing to be the one who creates negative emotions in others, and takes pleasure in doing so. I hope you and the children got or are getting the help you need to release that ugliness and its effects.
Making a police report is not always the best decision. I know someone whose husband threatened her life. She told him she was going to call the police. A struggle ensued and he took her life. Killed her in cold blood. He really overkilled her. He strangled her and then stomped her head in. His reasoning? He was a convicted felon and no one was going to threaten his freedom. And if he did go back to prison it would be of his doing. Something he got caught for and not because someone called on him. I hope that makes sense. Not the easiest thing to explain. Anyway, he was sentenced to 33 years in prison for her murder. She left behind 2 young daughters.
I can’t do it. It’s my step daughter and her father simply refuses to deal with it. He is willing to sacrifice our marriage to avoid dealing with her in any way.
Why I am not found you Dr. Rhoberta any sooner. After listen to this video. I just realize that I had been looking for love from someone that incapable to give love to me but himself. That is my husband and I been married for 23 years. I don't ever remember when, but I started blaming everything to myself. No wonder I feel frustrated and miserable all the time. Because everything is my fault.
You’re good 👍
Mine near the end just waited for me to dressed for the day I felt good in myself he as a routine would pluck an imaginary bit of fluff off my outfit. I had to just laugh inwardly, he had to do it, it must have made him feel better that I wasn't perfect. Strange while he would put his tree shirt on inside out. Soo glad to be free.
Ya it was how the new supply kept trying to label me as being rude, when she was the one acting rude in many things she did.. Crazy making.... baby, yOUR ADVISE IS SO GOOD, I had t learn all these things the hard way , it took me months to get out while not letting on that I knew what he was. I even slipped in that department, it never helps the situation it only makes it worse and puts you in more danger of being abused even more.
Yes, for many people, it takes a while to really believe, too. Good for you for executing your exit plan!
When you get replaced but then they say oh I really need help with this thing... but I bet you don’t want to help me” . Would a good response be to say ... well seems your outfit for the task might fit someone else? ( it’s not really about outfits but what is a good response to not catch the bag of s****. That they want to dump in your lap?
Yes, Hijackals will shamelessly ask you for help, even after they discard you. That sentence that ended "but, I bet you don't want to help me." is the key. That's a ploy to invoke guilt and obligation. The answer, "You're right." The less you say, the better, I've found. Does that help?
@@ForRelationshipHelp wow that is so simple and so true. Why in the world am I tangled up I see how this happened now I need to learn as fast as I can
My most common lie is blame shifting. I blame the businesses, the policy, not Knowing when a lot of times i know i failed to follow up or put in enough effort...
I tell myself it's not bc i can't own up it's just I'm always blamed for EVERYTHING and I'll be even more resentful being held accountable when they aren't in the same situation...
It doesn't make it right and its another reason to leave but it also is vulnerable spot that keeps me teathered
sadly, many of us have become not so good people. becoming good again is a road less traveled.☺
Thanks
My ex calls me passive aggressive but, I have learned from his silent treatments and blaming me not to be as direct as I once was bc I don't want him to deflect and blame me or stonewall me. But it is a common term he has placed on me anytime I try to tread what the elephant in the room has been and has never been resolved because of his stonewalling. Im confused as I never thought I was the abusive one. Am i?