Same for my long term boyfriend. He’s very strategic about being vague so when I question him later he always has the excuse that “you misunderstood”. It’s so frustrating being with someone who wants to control everything all the time, even your perception.
We were young and had just started dating. He was driving a car while trying to start the cassette player. He lost control of the car and we went off of the road, so he over corrected and we shot back out of the ditch and into the opposite ditch, back and fourth like this , tires loudly squealing on the pavement until the car came to rest. We were buried nose first into the tree line and stuck. He said he always had control of the car but lost it because I wouldn’t stop screaming. I shot back at him, “Screaming? That was the sharp sound of the tires squealing on the pavement. Then when a good samaritan stopped to ask us what happened he said, “Oh, I let my girlfriend drive my car”. He turned out to be a diagnosed malignant narcissist but I didn’t find out until much later. I wish I could have heard your videos back then as it would have helped me a lot❤
Holly cow! This hit every nail on the head! I'm also living this hell. I have recently really come to see what this is & am learning about this. 3 weeks ago he said that a man cheats because a woman doesn't do her "job". Leaving is hard, financially & everything else. I'm making my plans though. Thank you so much for this. He almost broke me. Almost.
You are so welcome! The good news is that, as you said, he "almost" broke you, and now you're on your way to a healthier future with less stress, anxiety, and frustrating. Good for you!
I was in a 29 year relationship with a man 20 years older. I'm sure at some point he did love me, but he managed to chase all my friends away. He rarely ever went to my family functions but I was expected to go to his. He would never apologize for anything and he was never wrong. He called me all sorts of mean and degrading names. At one point in our relationship, I actually wanted to get married, but now I'm glad we didn't. He did manage to tear me down so I had little to no self-esteem. I finally got the courage to leave him and now I'm happy again
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! YOU HAVE FINALLY BROKEN THROUGH ALL MY DEFENSES AND AWOKEN ME! I BELIEVE YOU HAVE *SAVED MY LIFE* THANK YOU!!!!
I'm watching this in my kitchen while he's in the living room attempting to gaslight me...how ironic 🙄 you are a true gem Dr. I'm so glad I found your channel you have opened my eyes and helped me immensely..Namaste 🙏💙
Mind blowing examples. I’m still struggling to wrap my head around what I experienced. I ended up writing things down to remind myself what was going on. This one thing absolutely destroyed our intimacy - how can you go to bed and be intimate with someone who plays with your reality like this? At the time, before I knew the term, I just saw it as a weird kind of dishonesty which sent my head west. At best this kind of behaviour erodes trust, and where there’s no trust there’s no relationship. It was there from the beginning and we lasted 10 years. I enabled this and I totally accept that. The reason it didn’t break down sooner is because the amazing, kind, thoughtful things about her were enough to conveniently ignore such crazymaking tactics.
Thank you for saying this. I ask myself the same thing and also my soon to be ex. “How can you expect that I would want to be intimate with you and connect with you in that way when you put me down?” They don’t get it. They never will. Mine disgusts me.
My ex boyfriend made me feel like I had to depend on him for everything, even though I worked full time and was going to college. He is 20 years older and we were together for 29 years. We got together when I was 19, and now I’m 52, and with a wonderful new boyfriend. When I was with my ex, I feel like he groomed me to be what he wanted me to be. He was wonderful until I was in my late 20’s, early 30’s. Then the gaslighting started, and got bad. I finally found the courage to leave him. About the last 5-6 years of the relationship, I slept on the couch, since I couldn’t stand to sleep next to him. He crushed my spirit and self-esteem.
Thank you for the tools to walk away from a new " friend" that is exhibiting these signs,(criticizing, body shaming, lying, and belittling me). You have validated my suspicions about this person and, as a result, give me the courage to end it now.
That circa 1940 movie was "Gaslight," set in the late Victorian era when mansions were lit by dimmable gas lamps. It starred Charles Boyer (not Cary Grant) as the husband gaslighting his bride, played by Ingrid Bergman.
I just came across your page. I dropped to my knees crying an saying YES YES YESSSS omgossshhhh. You've PEGGED what I live in/with for 21yrs with my hubs. It took a LONG time to realize who he was. How he IS.. Everything you said!! Is EXACTLY it. Your SO spot on! HIJECKLE! Perfect name !! IM CRYING because you UNDERSTAND! It's made my life hell an effected it in EVERY manner. And in fear what else I'll find out daily, the lies,threats, and more. I can't tell you how much you made me SO happy, that ITS NOT ME!. BLESS YOU🙏 I am looking into ALL of your blessed info. TY so MUCH. I'm blown away , How YOU say the TRUTH.
Seven years, off an on , I have allowed this to happen. I literally thought it was me reacting to childhood trauma that made me “crazy”, that I was unbearable and tolerated despite my weirdness. On Christmas he told me to kill myself that I was too fat. Something clicked that night & I realized that anyone who could say something so vile, and cruel didn’t care about me at all. I knew I was always his last choice, his back up. I’m starting to see just how sick and toxic the relationship was & I need to be sure it will never happen again.
Dr. Rhoberta Shaler - Help for Toxic Relationships thank you for taking the time to read my comment. I’m trying to be strong. I hate that it’s so hard to do what is best for me.
This was my ex wife. When I discovered what was happening I divorced that self entitled pig. 20 years of toxicity. What a waste. I’m with an awesome woman now, complete opposite. It’s never too late to take out the garbage.
No one can understand the depth of the nightmare if you never married the gaslighting non empathetic narc and you had kids with them. They ruin lives , leave their mark on all in their path.
This is all too familiar to me. No wonder I’m emotionally exhausted by it all. I’ve been dealing with ALL of these tactics in my interpersonal relationships. No wonder it hurts and confuses me so much! It’s abuse. 😔 😢
This is so impossible to figure out when it’s your mother and you believe you are bad and that she owns you until you’re 18. It’s so sneaky and built in to your life-is the frame of your life, designed by her.
You are so right. I finally realized I wasn’t losing my memory completely,because I remembered things differently. He made me feel like I have dementia.Like he has a tape recorder in his head,and has play back.The one thing my husband doesn’t do is love bomb me at all. No attention whatsoever.
He’d rarely love bomb me it was the no attention at all if it was my interests it felt like that way at least but I know everyone has different interests. Somethings always felt off with him though
It's very difficult to find peace with a person who wants to define your reality for you, isn't it? You're likely right: time to extricate and move on.
Agree. I'm living it too. I do a lot of praying & planning. I'm leaving this summer but I can't do it when he's here. Gotta wait till he's out of town or it will be bad.
@@sharlapatriot2725 I was in the exact same situation as you.. If you aren't married,apply for a HUD home now and it will get you on the lists!!! If you aren't familiar with HUD,it's either a house,apartment or duplex that is income based. You will only pay a small percentage of your monthly disability pay for rent. I was blessed this time last year by finally getting away from a 15 year marriage that changed my entire reality. I couldn't believe how fast my process went and I'm about to celebrate my 1st full year on my own and healing. Ps...My divorce was final last September! Just keep looking forward and research all your resources in your area. I hope you find your happiness and healing soon ❤️🌸🌿
God bless you you are so kind to offer your help to so many in need who do not have the finances or ability to receive professional help. Our world need more people like you! Blessed are the peace makers!
Love your videos and examples are spot on! My son married a narcissist ! He met her in a bar and six months later they got married so she could supposedly go see her grandmother in Mexico. She’s well educated they’re both employed, but now I don’t see my son anymore. I would love to share more…it’s so much
It is incredible how they all do the same thing and use the same tactics. I have experienced everyone of the ways that the Dr. describes. I am so glad I found you, Dr. Shaler.
I was bullied by my Dad. He only stopped because he got dementia a couple of years ago. Now at age 46 I've finally put my finger on what my Mums behaviour is all about too. She is a gaslighter and has gaslit me my whole life. My mental health has been appalling and I've had breakdown after breakdown and have never been able to make anything of myself as an adult. If it wasn't for having a great husband I wouldn't be here anymore.
My mother is exactly like this. I grew up with it my whole life and was so confused by the mixed signals of her trying to help me in certain ways which was only used as a way to control everything I did in my life. I am now married to a covert narcissist and am having a hard time understanding some of the things that are happening to me. I see the red flags and have missed a lot throughout our 9 year marriage. I was so confused a lot of the times and didn’t understand what was happening to me. I was always made out to be the unstable crazy one and he would do things intentionally to make me behave in a crazy way. He would almost drive me insane. I am a codependent and have found safety in this because it’s what I’m used to and I know that I get my needs met in certain ways when he does treat me well and love bomb me after completely embarrassing me and making me feel like shit. It’s hard to take responsibility for the role I’ve played in this and to understand that I’m not the “good one” and he is the “bad one.” We both danced this dance together and it is both a coping mechanism for the both of us and what we have been through in our childhood. For anyone who is going through this take the time to heal and be aware. Taking time to myself and learning myself has helped tremendously. Sending you all my love.
You have described my sister perfectly. She lies like she breathes when she thinks it will benefit her. “Weaponized ambiguity” is a perfect term also. I have seen this so much from her.
That's so difficult to deal with! Weaponized ambiguity is designed to keep you in a fog, usually with just enough truth to confuse you into thinking what she said was plausible. It's very complex. Good that you know this about her so that you don't take her words at face value, for sure!
Thank you for helping me to understand my family so well. As you were talking, my eyes widened. In the process of recovering and healing these traumas and gaining more objectivity, I wonder myself how a human being is able to treat another in such a degrading way! Have a nice weekend. :)
Gaslighting is telling someone reality isn't reality. It's all in your mind and they lie a lot and then claim they don't lie. They project a lot...so much of this resonates. Oh my God. In fact, my wife would simply deny she'd said what she'd just stated literally within a minute later. She would claim I was insane etc..Thankfully she exhibited this behavior in front of others, because I thought maybe I was losing my mind. She'd also tell me someone said something and later I learned that wasn't what the person said at all. In fact, she was completely lying misrepresenting what was stated. Eventually I caught on and it was shocking, because the lies were about major financial and other important issues I'd later have to clean up. Facts were/are a moving target. We tried couples therapy and she couldn't answer a yes or no question factually. She would talk in circles and when the therapist would try to get a straight answer, she'd start crying. It would essentially stop the session...she didn't want to answer nor face her own issues and this crying tactic worked every time. Every single aspect of who I was and proud of about myself was shredded. I did eventually see a therapist, because I'd lost myself.
I am so glad you mentioned the therapist who gets the charm turned o and they succumb. This happened 3 times to me which has left me very cynical as to therapists. My husband's trick was to tell a funny joke to start charming the therapist. He never told jokes in any other situation.
This is how my SO is. These are the patterns and behaviours that are part of what I call the SO mental problems that are not mine. My SO is troubled and I cannot help him and I will not make the SO problems mine. And I will not allow another person to define my own reality and I stand strong in myself knowing what it is I am looking at. And I have myself for my own happiness and joy. So I thank my God for giving me the intelligence to see this and be capable of separating from all of this and not running away from MY HOME because of another person who makes up crap in his own head about me and himself. Nope I see the problem and it is in the other persons head. And that's on him.
I love the silent treatment since he's had his man cave up the garden, I don't see him for days at a time, 10 days was the longest, it felt like a holiday 😂😂😂
Exactly! Good for you. When you can get to the place of actually enjoying your time while a Hijackal thinks they are punishing you with The Silent Treatment, you're gaining emotional health!
First i would like to explain that i am using my 20 year old sons phone Im female and 60 So my senior mother came to live with me and as i began to become aware of her questionable behavior towards me i am really trying to hold on to the belief that this is not the case and all the situations that are making my life ..." "A nightmare" are just coincidences But there are too many coincidences And i now am convinced. So my example is the silent treatment and the longer we lived in the same house the silent treatment was happening more often . So after i got over feeling really bad that i was causing my mother to feel so disrespected by her insensitive daughter, then i started to enjoy the silent treatment because i got a little break from all the disagreements. Then it seems when she realized i was actually okay with her silent treatment She started to specifically slam me with the silent treatment only when something very profound happened to me that validated my success in some way . So she would ruin the moment of me feeling proud of myself .
Someone FINALLY explains to me in a simple understandable way what “trauma bond” means and looks like in practice. I hear it a lot but it is not well explained
Someone told me to look this word up and now I'm watching your video, and wow yeah exactly what I went thru for 8 years with my ex husband to the point I believed I had problems in my head. I'm now left with severe depression anxiety and PTSD. Thank you so much for this video, it's really helping me understand.
I agree. I have complex ptsd and at least half of it was thanks to the guy I used to be married to. I used to think I could talk to him and things would change. That was before I learned all this and even knew what gaslighting was.
Thank you so much! You have put into words so much of what I have gone through with one of my sisters and then my daughter, she spent a lot of time gasslighting me to her. What I have realized is she used my daughter as a way of hobbling me and also punishing me. The eggshells, the lies, rge gasslighting are really traumatic!
My life, "We'll see". I heard that so many times from imposter mother. "We'll sees" that never came to pass. Forgotten like garbage thrown out, long forgotten. Horrible excuse for an adopted parent. Anyone else hear that?
#8 - We went to marriage therapist about 12yrs ago and my husband sucked them right in and made me the one out to be the problem. I quit going to that person. When I wanted to change, the therapist said it confirmed I was the bad apple in the relationship. That just added so much fuel to his fire. It made me feel so defeated and beat up.
I'm sorry to hear that was your therapy experience. Sadly, that happens too often. That's why it's most useful to choose someone who has a specialty like minte in emotional and narcissistic abuse.
You got a particularly abusive therapist who doesnt deserve to be licensed. You could sue for malpractice if you can prove she abused her client. No decent therapist ever takes sides. It's unheard of. I'm so sorry you were victimized in this way. It"s double trouble when a counsellor and a husband both gang up on someone as fragile as you were going in.
I was wondering if gaslighting was something that I experienced in my last relationship. He would lock doors that required a key on both sides when I didn't have my keys locking me out of my home. I had to knock on the door to ask to get back in. Things we experienced together were much different in his version of events than what I experienced. I would leave a room and turn the lights off, later he would say I left lights on. Things I heard him say he would say he didn't say. It didn't happen everyday. It was very insidious at first. Just here and there. He told my friends I was forgetful. I looked crazy and he came across as the good guy with an awful partner. I lost my friends , we no longer talk they took his side in the breakup. I saw no other way out then to cut all ties with him.No phonecalls , texts , no communication what so ever. I thought I was in the clear when he suddenly started showing up at places he knew I would be at. My moms home, my work. If he showed up I would just leave or not engage in anyway, if I couldn't leave. It's been 5 years and I'm afraid of relationships. I still 2nd guess myself. Did I say that, did I move that , am I remembering correctly or am I lying to myself.As bad as it is theres a part inside of me telling me I am not crazy
My own brother thinks it’s okay to say toxic hurtful things to me and when I respond and defend myself I’M the bad guy. I walked away from him. I’ll probably never speak to him again because the last time he pulled this I told him he’s now lost the right to ever speak to me again. I’m fine with that. I’m sick of being told I’m a horrible person. I know my reality and I know I’m not. I don’t put up with abuse. There’s plenty of people in my life that love me I don’t need him abusing me because he’s jealous of me.
I have a relative that constantly lies about so many things she seems to believe what she is saying. She will contradict prior statements and makes up a new reality. She will never take responsibility for anything she may have done wrong. She will even say someone else actually said or did which in reality she did. It can be crazy making!
I just told the guy I’ll just accept all your crap and yet he still couldn’t tell me the truth. It’s like no really dude I accept who you are but in my head I was thinking I’ll just keep him as a far distant friend and date around
I can hardly get a straight direct answer from the simplest questions. In my experience, it hasn’t been lying so much as just not giving me a response to what I have asked. I have thought it was a cognition problem on their part. There are other weird responses I get. It’s like he takes what I’ve said and reinterpreted to what he thinks I could have asked him. Awful!
Yes, that IS awful! It would seem that he is looking for ways to "win" and feels his strategy protects himself in some strange way. It's an unusual take on "only ask me questions I can benefit from answering," isn't it? And, if you don't ask those questions, I'll warp the question into one I have an advantage asking. Strange!
My room mate was ok at first. Then over two years he's become more interested in my coming and going....where I went. How "worried" he was about me. I always noticed he would leave out just enough info that I could remember speaking @ some subject but not the OMITTED details! If I bucked it he would suggest that maybe something was wrong w me? Then, about 2 wks ago, he started implying he was concerned I might be suicidal??? Wth? He said, "because you said it!" Noooooo...I jokingly reached for the sky and said the worlds gone crazy! I'm ready to go! So, the best strategy is to not give them extra fuel and get away from them.
Can you expand? I’m experiencing this now! My husband will give me an inappropriate answers and claim he was responding to what he assumed I meant? I am at the point that I literally break down everytime he does it because I can recognize it now and honestly I wish I hadn’t ever discovered I might be gaslighted because now I call it out and cause a big reaction which Ofcourse shifts the focus onto me and how crazy I’m acting.
My entire family tries to gaslight me. Its very dysfunctional and crazy-making. I am working very hard of distancing myself from them. Adult kids and the grandkids. Love them but they are making mr miserable. You are right on the dime about all of this.
And as I listen I realize I have done some of these things and I know that I have reacted I feel I recognize it and I honestly feel I never saw how horribly he did this and I would stonewall and shut down.. and I would react after boundaries were crossed, jealousy turned accusatory etc etc , gaslit etc
My husband will randomly accuse me of crazy things out of nowhere. Like he will say to me “you think I’m cheating on you!” It will come out of nowhere, when we’re just hanging out and everything is peaceful and happy. Then when I try to explain that i don’t think that at all he refuses to let me talk and starts getting loud and yelling over me. It usually ends up with me trying to tell him that I swear on my entire families lives that I wasn’t thinking he’s cheating in any way whatsoever, but he doesn’t listen. He won’t even let me speak and then he says “I don’t want anything to do with your drama!” It’s so crazy because he just does this out of nowhere when there was absolutely no drama at all and it’s just this crazy scenerio he makes up in his head for no reason. It’s insane. I’m really thinking that he’s a hijackal and he’s had me fooled for a long time. I’ve really been thinking about leaving but our home is under a contract that we can’t sell it for 19 more years and neither one of us can afford to cover the bills ourselves. It’s really a mess. If only I had the money I would leave.
My grown son gaslights me a lot , however I could care less and I don't take it personally. I see it as his problem and not mine. But when he stabs my car tires and hammers my counter tops and throws bowling balls into my pool and hell knows what else, it really bothers me and I don't trust him and I look for ways to get hem out of my life. He lives too close to ignore, in a separate part of the house.
So true. They are the exact reflection of their parents. You cant expect them to be different. We are the great imitators of our parents so if you dont like what you are seeing in your partner well its better to abandon it rather than to go through all the trouble. They will not change.
My soon to be ex-husband would tell me things like "that shouldn't be a problem." When it became a problem, he would then tell me, "I said it shouldn't be a problem, not that it wouldn't be a problem." He knew he was leading me to believe that it wouldn't be a problem, and then make me feel crazy when I was upset for it being a problem. So glad that I am now out of that situation.
Mine says , I’m a simple person (him) I like to think of myself as simple.. and love a simple life and I make things so complicated and I’m so annoying for it , when all I do is try to communicate with him in a healthy way and it spirals out of control and gets switch around on me so fast it hard not to lose my cool . He can never take responsibility for anything. It’s always someone else fault or this or that . After he has started how simple he is sometimes (depending on the situation) I can say well so much for things being so simple . I mean can he seriously think he is simple ? When he is anything and everything but simple , I am simple and I simply want to deal with issues in a calm healthy manner in order to get a problem resolved to love on with my day . When he says stuff like you ruin everyday or I just ruin his life he is so stressed out and hates me . (He says things like this when he’s cheating or talking to other women to get me to be quite and I just try to stay far away from him out of fear . But I’m starting to figure out his tactics and reasoning behind them
Yesssss! Says I never listen to a word he said. Even though I could repeat it back verbatim. Or he'd say I never said that... don't put words in my mouth.
I have been going through abuse emotionally; physically; verbally and financially for more than 30 years. My husband refuses to go for couple counselling. He has a very short temper and erupts unexpectedly. 😭 right now I am getting the silent treatment because I asserted myself.
Most Hijackals refuse to go to counseling. Those who do mostly go because they believe they can charm, seduce, and manipulate the therapist into believing their story and join them in re-wounding their partners.
In my case going to counseling was a huge mistake. All she did was try to manipulate the counselors. And she did it to the first 3. The 4th counselor took my side when she physically attacked me in the counseling office. Then she would never go again after that. If you do go make sure the counselor knows about NPD disorder.
I will say that some neurodivergent people struggle to make eye contact and it has nothing to do with being dishonest. I definitely have this struggle. While a person is talking to me, my focus is split between making myself look at a spot on the person’s face and listening to what they are saying. It’s a lot easier to look at their nose or forehead than their eyes and actually engage in what they are saying.
It's so much harder when it's your parent doing this because you can feel so trapped. I don't know if i'll get out of my situation alive but if i do, i will open a shelter when i have the means to help children who have been abused by their parents and have no other support
Its like being beaten down on a constant basis. I internalized all the hate and blame from all the sick and toxic behavior. Blamed myself... forever. Its sick. Very sick
OMG Yessss that statement about get to know their parents most Narcissist dont like being @ their parents but yesss get to know their parents unless they are adopted because Narcissism is genetics its either the Dad who are a Narc or the Mom side or Both.....& being raised by one you can learn some of their traits like short patience being in that environment of a toxic person its a learned behavior too.....
Why do they do this? My son has been an addict for 8 years and has turned into a narcissistic gaslighter. He has berated his gf so much she has zero self esteem and also started using but is sober now. Their kids 9-10 don’t want to be there. My son was never like this before. He lies and pretends there’s nothing wrong with him . I want to knock him out it’s so disgusting
My husband gets so mad that I ask him to take out the garbage (inconvenience) he will never put a bag back in the can. He knows that will make me upset. Then he twists it all around on me. Im to demanding, unreasonable and ask to much of him. That's just one weekly issue. I have thousands!
I got mixed up with him in 2003 and it took me until 2018 to get away from him, now he’s suing me, and lying to everyone that I did stuff to him. He made my life horribly that it is taken me so long to get over it all. Just an example he would do is kick me in his sleep and say he was having a dream he was fighting. I knew he was lying 🤥
Good for you for moving on when someone makes your life horrible! It often seems that freeing yourself from them completely takes forever. They lie, cheat, triangulate, whatever it takes to "win" in their minds. I hope you're soon free of having to think about him.
Yes, that's possible. It's when you tell someone that you know them better than they know themselves that is turns into gaslighting. Good for you for voting for health!
I was born into a family of hi-jackles. For years I have suffered, not knowing exactly what was going on with us. My family that is. Now I know what is going on. I can't thank you enough for your informative knowledge. Being born in a family like this is very painful.
Francis Miller, I was also born into a family of toxic siblings. Full of vicious jealousy, mind games. As I was the youngest member with talents they brutalised me and I still bear the scars. This doctor is brilliant, I have at last heard now what has been going on for years, thank you again doctor.
My partner says " there's no reaction without n action, me being the action that causes his reaction " or a tribe saying " a woman does not cook what her man does not eat" I just realised all that i have been reading, watching , learning has been my for at least the past years of my life. Emotionally drained... experiencing Gaslighting, emotionally unintelligent husband, intimate anorexia. He literally said if i am more supportive, then he will be more able to meet my emotionally needs
I watched a video last night that said something about codependent I know I'm not a codependent. I don't look for love and support outside of me. I don't need to be the center of someone else attention. The truth is I like the silence and the respect and inner peace I have when toxic people and people who are not good for my health are gone. It has been a uphill battle getting this technology out of my life. I went through so much mental mess because of these people. My ex would say things like that. He would say that I that he knew me yet he was being told things from others who only would accuse and assume things. I always felt as if I was being attacked and accused. I was because I had brain fog and depression from these people and I knew I needed to make plans to get out of the mental mess they was causing me. You don't belittle and attack someone because you believe you are in control and someone is suppose to listen to you live a life that is going to make the people out of you happy. Your in charge of your own happiness. Self love is apart of you no longer living this life that toxic family or an ex is pleased about if you surrender and stay in a box full of gaslighting and attacks. They will tell you that you said you said something you didn't say. They will turn around and turn something you have said into you said something that was harmful and then it's another mess. It's like gang stalking where they gang up on you and accuse you or crap twisting things is what they do. I moved the opposite direction from them all and it's like a sick game they play. The trauma bond and love bombing they do makes you more sick to the stomach because these people really try to use religion even to manipulate who you are suppose to be and what you are suppose to give them after the amount of evil and wrong they have intentionally done to you. I want to tell everyone that you should remove yourself from them and work on your healing but it comes from removing yourself from these people. You can't get well around the same people who got off getting you sick. The only way to end it is to cut all ties with these people. Toxic abusive people will play the victim. When I fell you that you deserve better you do. These are the type of people that even though I'm no longer a Christain I will not be manipulated or forced to have a connection or trauma bond with people who know they are not good. The rose colored glasses is nothing when it comes to such people take them off when people show you who they are believe them. Don't gaslight yourself repainting a picture about them. Evil is evil wrong is wrong. The worst thing you can do is make excuses for them
My partner broke up with me recently. The main reason she said that I lied to her. I did lie to her. But in the matters where I lied when they first appeared I was completely honest but they made her really upset and she sometime stopped talking to me or we had huge fights. To avoid those fights and not to upset her I lied about really dumb things like eating or going to a friend. I stopped drinking before I met her. I said her that when we first started to talk but later when we had any arguments she sometimes called me drunk. That hurt me. I just don't want to have fights with her. I know lying is wrong but I still did it. She left. Am I really that bad? She did give so much to me but I never wanted to hurt her but I did. What should I do?
Lying is wrong and it undermines a relationship quickly. If you're willing to change your ways, and she is willing to give you another chance, go into counseling and resolve the underlying issues.
It's normal, Sumitra. You were acting in self-protection. You've received some bad advice here. If being truthful results in you being abused, what would ANY normal person do? Sometimes healing space needs to not be moral space.
No those are white lies I was dating with a pathological liar who would make up fake stories that’s when it is super toxic. My ex of 6 years would sometimes gas light and me him but it’s not like how it was with this other dude I was with.
How can I get help...really difficult to fight back...being accused of the smallest...absolutely no understanding..unable to keep them calm n give reply....can only keep calm n not talk at all that too is flaring up
Also several times a week accused me of cheating! Hated it when I said... in my experience it's usually the person accusing that's the one cheating. He's a truck driver gone for a week or more at a time. I have health issues, can't drive and have someone with me 22 hours a day.My helper comes 2 hrs after the kids go to school and leaves after they get home from school. Besides he has completely turned me off to any intimacy with him let alone anyone else.
I started watching "narcissist" and gaslightling videos to try to uelp save my sister from her boyfriend ... there is no doubt that he is a manipulative jerk. But now, after I learned all of this, I'm wondering if my sister is just as manipulative, or if she is just being influenced by him .... I think it's time to just step back. It's taking too much of my energy.
Hi Doctor, I love your videos! If you could give me some insight I would deeply appreciate it. I still want to have hope that my daughter is BPD and not NPD but they are so very similar! Is there any difference between them? Is there hope? I just cry out in hope for her so much. I have heard that BPD has more to do with a fear of abandonment and loneliness which I believe my daughter is prone to. I do not believe she wants to be seen as 'superior' as NPD is known for. Since I got remarried after my husband of 30 years passed away, I noticed these horrible behaviors in her come out for the first time. She was a lovely child to raise and a true blessing! But now that she is in her 20's and I remarried and spent far less time with her I have seen this rebellious and difficult side for the first time. We did take personality tests and we share the same personality (INFP), but on the 2nd part of the personality test I was a "Confident Individualist" which she was labeled a "Turbulent Type Personality". I pray for her so much and it does deeply burden my heart. My husband and I went out for dinner with her recently and she was like a DREAM - she paid for the meal, behaved respectively toward my husband, and was acting pleasant and normal! I hope this continues but I do have my guard up since we have endured so many difficulties in the past. Thank you in advance and I appreciate you greatly!
Nonsence i dont say anything I just do wha he doesnt do though theres many times he has blamshift just to keep the peace I do what ever it is he didnt do when he feels up to it,it doesnt take him long to do it . I just believe he's going to keep faulting me no matter what because of his unresolved pain. Oh yes, the scapgoat my childhood label I was the third sibling of eight.Now that Im getting things Im not being affected by what he specks because it is worse, im on to his sneaky manipulation, and I see it much more clearly, now. Thank you very much. I do believe I matter, Im not OK but I will be, thank you for all your hard work on this subject I appreciate you God bless you more, have a terrific day.
Hello Dr Roberta Shaler, what if gaslighting never ends, there is no other option than moving away I guess since it's very damaging and people made a habit of it, I guess it must be their favorite activity, ( now unfortunately even some sort of trend they popularized it they don't understand this sort of behavior is UNACCEPTABLE) since it doesn't change (they are ignorants they think they are intelligent when they are absolutely irritating, they think it's wit but it's just plain vulgar intimidation ) shall I turn a blind eye or like you said getting strong before moving away thing or moving away fast is a better option? Actually with covid most of the options fail :( Specially for an emotionally sensitive person like me this is an inexpressible nightmare. * Kindest regards ^ ^ Looking forward to your next podcasts.
Can I give you some words that may help. Ask YOURSELF do you believe what this other person says. Like do you truly believe them? I do not even know you and I can pretty much guess your response...NO. So then what are you guessing about? You see the disordered person before you right? So is this person really that in control of you to make you run from your home? Of course if violence is there, yes run but...do you see where I'm going with this? I hope it helps in a small way. Peace
Julietta, you understand the behavior is unacceptable, even if they do not. The way to demonstrate to someone that their behavior is unacceptable to you is to set non-negotiable boundaries with consequences. When someone refuses to respect the boundary, the consequences are then known and enacted. I suggest people become as clear, assertive, and empowered as possible before leaving--for their own sakes! (That means getting good help.) Then, when they leave, they are not picking up what's left of themselves, their self-esteem and self-confidence, and feeling demoralized and depressed in reduced circumstances. They have a good start at a new life for all the right reasons, and with more effective skills and better knowledge of themselves and the life they want to create.
@@ForRelationshipHelp I don't know why they violated my life like it's their OBLIGATION , I have been trying to post a text that explains the burden briefly but it's getting deleted???
@@ForRelationshipHelp I know it's unacceptable. Said it millions of times, they don't care. It's about their gains obviously not mine. I feel like I lost half of my life, it really doesn't feel right at all, I'm not depressed but knowing this should have never happened makes me very sad. I'm living with this because of their greed. UNACCEPTABLE. It's like they STOLE my life and replaced it something I'VE NEVER WANTED AND STILL REFUSING THEIR REPLACEMENT FOR YEARS THIS CAN'T BE MY REALITY and I'm forced to switch???? WHY, I really didn't need this in my life. I WANT MY LIFE BACK.
What if someone lives with you...an x bf, doesn't pay rent, and has no income when I'm on disability. I'd that considered abuse? I can't get him to leave when I mention it I suddenly find him helping my apartment and my car and cat but I'm worried. He tells me good things but when he and I argue, he says munipulative words so that he can stay...he will be homeless. I feel like he lied to me since the first date. I think he makes me feel like I'm dependent on him. I feel like he's saying bad things about to my neighbors that I've known over 8 years and I feel like he's venting to him. He goes over there all the time they no longer invite me over and I'm very upset. I have to leave my house to make my private calls. He says I don't pay at/entire. He says the gov follows him. He agrees with me one min then tells me I don't listen to him. He is a professional squatter. I don't know, I'm scared I can't be independent again and I feel that is him manipulating me so he can stay and not be homeless. He complains about how I clean, he says negative comments about my cleaning abilities. What is this all considered. I'm scared of him to a degree but I feel like I can talk to him and that frightens me I feel like he thinks he wins. What is he doing? Please help me.
I think it's time for him to go, don't you? You're not responsible for his potential homelessness. That's a choice he's making by not creating income for himself. It sounds as though you're right: "he's a professional squatter" and he has an attitude, it seems.
I belive my ex was a sadist. I told her my previous relationship ended in cheating and i suffered a nervous breakdown. I asked her to never cheat on me and she did. Years of her constantly texting. Leaving the house for hours on end. I am now really mentally damaged. I threw her out. She saw me suffering. She saw my panic attacks. She stood cold and just watched.
The one I can't stand is tell me how I'm feeling. (Your angry, you can't be bothered, missing in action when, your this or that) even when I feel calm she tells me how I am feeling so I go gray rock
“Some relationships are like broken glass. It's better to leave them alone than hurt yourself trying to put them back together.”
The term “Weaponized Ambiguity” was brilliant. I’ve never heard my wife’s communication tactics summed up so perfectly
Same for my long term boyfriend. He’s very strategic about being vague so when I question him later he always has the excuse that “you misunderstood”. It’s so frustrating being with someone who wants to control everything all the time, even your perception.
Deliberate Ambiguity has been a tactic against the public for ages. The POINT, however, is well taken. Ambiguity IS a weapon!
Sorry to hear that. I'm being triangulate by narcissists and their flying monkeys right now. Birds of a feather flock together.
@@taraarrington2285 Yup. Flying monkeys for 2 yrs straight. Closet psychos.
@@anothercomment3451 at the very least they are followers and morally corrupt.
We were young and had just started dating. He was driving a car while trying to start the cassette player. He lost control of the car and we went off of the road, so he over corrected and we shot back out of the ditch and into the opposite ditch, back and fourth like this , tires loudly squealing on the pavement until the car came to rest. We were buried nose first into the tree line and stuck. He said he always had control of the car but lost it because I wouldn’t stop screaming. I shot back at him, “Screaming? That was the sharp sound of the tires squealing on the pavement. Then when a good samaritan stopped to ask us what happened he said, “Oh, I let my girlfriend drive my car”.
He turned out to be a diagnosed malignant narcissist but I didn’t find out until much later. I wish I could have heard your videos back then as it would have helped me a lot❤
Melody ❤❤ my heart is holding you right now. You’re not alone. Xo.
This is why having self-awareness and true personal integrity is important so we can ward ourselves from these tactics.
Holly cow! This hit every nail on the head! I'm also living this hell. I have recently really come to see what this is & am learning about this. 3 weeks ago he said that a man cheats because a woman doesn't do her "job". Leaving is hard, financially & everything else. I'm making my plans though. Thank you so much for this. He almost broke me. Almost.
You are so welcome! The good news is that, as you said, he "almost" broke you, and now you're on your way to a healthier future with less stress, anxiety, and frustrating. Good for you!
I just want to be me
Yes financial issues can be the main issue on leaving. Keep plugging away and dont lose faith!
@@ForRelationshipHelp need help maam...
HE SAID THAT!?!??? That man needs his morals checked cuz no sane person actually thinks that. Abusers and cheaters do smh
I was in a 29 year relationship with a man 20 years older. I'm sure at some point he did love me, but he managed to chase all my friends away. He rarely ever went to my family functions but I was expected to go to his. He would never apologize for anything and he was never wrong. He called me all sorts of mean and degrading names. At one point in our relationship, I actually wanted to get married, but now I'm glad we didn't. He did manage to tear me down so I had little to no self-esteem. I finally got the courage to leave him and now I'm happy again
I’m so happy for you, it takes a lot of bravery and courage
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! YOU HAVE FINALLY BROKEN THROUGH ALL MY DEFENSES AND AWOKEN ME! I BELIEVE YOU HAVE *SAVED MY LIFE* THANK YOU!!!!
He has moved my things and then accused me of being ditzy and losing them ....I was beginning to question my own mind ...wow ❣️
Such classic gaslighting!
He threw out things that were mine from a previous relationship and DENIED throwing them out when just the 2 of us lived in the house.
Did you see him through it out ?
A narcissist will hide things and then pretend to help you look for them.
@@tishachristopher2854exactly
Omg, my narcissistic mom tells me that all the time. “I know you better than you know yourself.” As she’a manipulating me. I’m so over this dynamic 😢
Sending you so much love ❤ I'm recovering from these behaviors and I see what I put my daughter through. Heal yourself and go be awesome!! ❤❤❤
I'm watching this in my kitchen while he's in the living room attempting to gaslight me...how ironic 🙄 you are a true gem Dr. I'm so glad I found your channel you have opened my eyes and helped me immensely..Namaste 🙏💙
I'm glad you found it, too.
Mind blowing examples. I’m still struggling to wrap my head around what I experienced. I ended up writing things down to remind myself what was going on. This one thing absolutely destroyed our intimacy - how can you go to bed and be intimate with someone who plays with your reality like this? At the time, before I knew the term, I just saw it as a weird kind of dishonesty which sent my head west. At best this kind of behaviour erodes trust, and where there’s no trust there’s no relationship. It was there from the beginning and we lasted 10 years. I enabled this and I totally accept that. The reason it didn’t break down sooner is because the amazing, kind, thoughtful things about her were enough to conveniently ignore such crazymaking tactics.
Thank you for saying this. I ask myself the same thing and also my soon to be ex. “How can you expect that I would want to be intimate with you and connect with you in that way when you put me down?”
They don’t get it. They never will. Mine disgusts me.
My ex boyfriend made me feel like I had to depend on him for everything, even though I worked full time and was going to college. He is 20 years older and we were together for 29 years. We got together when I was 19, and now I’m 52, and with a wonderful new boyfriend. When I was with my ex, I feel like he groomed me to be what he wanted me to be. He was wonderful until I was in my late 20’s, early 30’s. Then the gaslighting started, and got bad. I finally found the courage to leave him. About the last 5-6 years of the relationship, I slept on the couch, since I couldn’t stand to sleep next to him. He crushed my spirit and self-esteem.
I totally understand .
I totally understand where you're coming from, because I had almost the exact experience
🙌 to what you said.. then it becomes an excuse/justification to cheat .. ugh 😑
Thank you for the tools to walk away from a new " friend" that is exhibiting these signs,(criticizing, body shaming, lying, and belittling me). You have validated my suspicions about this person and, as a result, give me the courage to end it now.
You are welcome! And, YAY! You dodged a bullet!!!
That circa 1940 movie was "Gaslight," set in the late Victorian era when mansions were lit by dimmable gas lamps. It starred Charles Boyer (not Cary Grant) as the husband gaslighting his bride, played by Ingrid Bergman.
I just came across your page. I dropped to my knees crying an saying YES YES YESSSS omgossshhhh. You've PEGGED what I live in/with for 21yrs with my hubs. It took a LONG time to realize who he was. How he IS.. Everything you said!! Is EXACTLY it. Your SO spot on! HIJECKLE! Perfect name !! IM CRYING because you UNDERSTAND! It's made my life hell an effected it in EVERY manner. And in fear what else I'll find out daily, the lies,threats, and more. I can't tell you how much you made me SO happy, that ITS NOT ME!. BLESS YOU🙏 I am looking into ALL of your blessed info. TY so MUCH. I'm blown away , How YOU say the TRUTH.
Seven years, off an on , I have allowed this to happen. I literally thought it was me reacting to childhood trauma that made me “crazy”, that I was unbearable and tolerated despite my weirdness. On Christmas he told me to kill myself that I was too fat. Something clicked that night & I realized that anyone who could say something so vile, and cruel didn’t care about me at all. I knew I was always his last choice, his back up. I’m starting to see just how sick and toxic the relationship was & I need to be sure it will never happen again.
I hope you hold on to that promise to yourself that it will never happen again. I wish you well.
Dr. Rhoberta Shaler - Help for Toxic Relationships thank you for taking the time to read my comment. I’m trying to be strong. I hate that it’s so hard to do what is best for me.
This was my ex wife. When I discovered what was happening I divorced that self entitled pig. 20 years of toxicity. What a waste. I’m with an awesome woman now, complete opposite. It’s never too late to take out the garbage.
No experience is a waste. You're with an awesome woman because of what you learned through it.
This is EXACTLY what happened to me with my soon to be ex-husband. It's like they all follow the same script 🤯
Me too but I wasn’t married. How can they all be the same ? Are they on a Spectrum.
😂😂
No one can understand the depth of the nightmare if you never married the gaslighting non empathetic narc and you had kids with them. They ruin lives , leave their mark on all in their path.
This is all too familiar to me. No wonder I’m emotionally exhausted by it all. I’ve been dealing with ALL of these tactics in my interpersonal relationships. No wonder it hurts and confuses me so much! It’s abuse. 😔 😢
you know it doesn't sound like silly sounding gaslighting, it sounds like evil manipulation, mind games.
Oh it is. The whole point is cause you to self destruct while these hyenas devour.
It’s actually is
It is 💯 evil. Demonic.
This is so impossible to figure out when it’s your mother and you believe you are bad and that she owns you until you’re 18. It’s so sneaky and built in to your life-is the frame of your life, designed by her.
You are so right. I finally realized I wasn’t losing my memory completely,because I remembered things differently. He made me feel like I have dementia.Like he has a tape recorder in his head,and has play back.The one thing my husband doesn’t do is love bomb me at all. No attention whatsoever.
I hope that, seeing the emotional abuse, you will feel motivated to move away and into a more loving environment.
He’d rarely love bomb me it was the no attention at all if it was my interests it felt like that way at least but I know everyone has different interests. Somethings always felt off with him though
I'm in the middle of this rt now! I am finished trying to find peace w this person in my life. Time to exrricate...
It's very difficult to find peace with a person who wants to define your reality for you, isn't it? You're likely right: time to extricate and move on.
Agree. I'm living it too. I do a lot of praying & planning. I'm leaving this summer but I can't do it when he's here. Gotta wait till he's out of town or it will be bad.
@@sharlapatriot2725 I was in the exact same situation as you..
If you aren't married,apply for a HUD home now and it will get you on the lists!!! If you aren't familiar with HUD,it's either a house,apartment or duplex that is income based. You will only pay a small percentage of your monthly disability pay for rent. I was blessed this time last year by finally getting away from a 15 year marriage that changed my entire reality. I couldn't believe how fast my process went and I'm about to celebrate my 1st full year on my own and healing. Ps...My divorce was final last September! Just keep looking forward and research all your resources in your area. I hope you find your happiness and healing soon ❤️🌸🌿
@@sageluna7687 thank you so much for this.
I am at peace
God bless you you are so kind to offer your help to so many in need who do not have the finances or ability to receive professional help. Our world need more people like you! Blessed are the peace makers!
Love your videos and examples are spot on! My son married
a narcissist ! He met her in a bar and six months later they got married so she could supposedly go see her grandmother in Mexico. She’s well educated they’re both employed, but now I don’t see my son anymore. I would love to share more…it’s so much
You're a Dear. I'm glad you're in my algorithm. Keep up the great work.
It is incredible how they all do the same thing and use the same tactics. I have experienced everyone of the ways that the Dr. describes. I am so glad I found you, Dr. Shaler.
I was bullied by my Dad. He only stopped because he got dementia a couple of years ago. Now at age 46 I've finally put my finger on what my Mums behaviour is all about too. She is a gaslighter and has gaslit me my whole life. My mental health has been appalling and I've had breakdown after breakdown and have never been able to make anything of myself as an adult. If it wasn't for having a great husband I wouldn't be here anymore.
I hope things become clearer and clearer as you continue to have insights about this.
My mother is exactly like this. I grew up with it my whole life and was so confused by the mixed signals of her trying to help me in certain ways which was only used as a way to control everything I did in my life. I am now married to a covert narcissist and am having a hard time understanding some of the things that are happening to me. I see the red flags and have missed a lot throughout our 9 year marriage. I was so confused a lot of the times and didn’t understand what was happening to me. I was always made out to be the unstable crazy one and he would do things intentionally to make me behave in a crazy way. He would almost drive me insane. I am a codependent and have found safety in this because it’s what I’m used to and I know that I get my needs met in certain ways when he does treat me well and love bomb me after completely embarrassing me and making me feel like shit. It’s hard to take responsibility for the role I’ve played in this and to understand that I’m not the “good one” and he is the “bad one.” We both danced this dance together and it is both a coping mechanism for the both of us and what we have been through in our childhood.
For anyone who is going through this take the time to heal and be aware. Taking time to myself and learning myself has helped tremendously. Sending you all my love.
You have described my sister perfectly. She lies like she breathes when she thinks it will benefit her. “Weaponized ambiguity” is a perfect term also. I have seen this so much from her.
That's so difficult to deal with! Weaponized ambiguity is designed to keep you in a fog, usually with just enough truth to confuse you into thinking what she said was plausible. It's very complex. Good that you know this about her so that you don't take her words at face value, for sure!
My husband is the King of Weaponized Ambiguity. He keeps his 👑 in the China cabinet.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Oh I am finished with her permanently. No contact is my friend. 🙂
Thank you for helping me to understand my family so well.
As you were talking, my eyes widened. In the process of recovering and healing these traumas and gaining more objectivity, I wonder myself how a human being is able to treat another in such a degrading way!
Have a nice weekend. :)
You are so welcome. Seeing it clearly is an excellent start!
Lying seems to be the least of it. But yes, "weaponized ambiguity" is a great description.
Gaslighting is telling someone reality isn't reality. It's all in your mind and they lie a lot and then claim they don't lie. They project a lot...so much of this resonates. Oh my God.
In fact, my wife would simply deny she'd said what she'd just stated literally within a minute later. She would claim I was insane etc..Thankfully she exhibited this behavior in front of others, because I thought maybe I was losing my mind.
She'd also tell me someone said something and later I learned that wasn't what the person said at all. In fact, she was completely lying misrepresenting what was stated. Eventually I caught on and it was shocking, because the lies were about major financial and other important issues I'd later have to clean up.
Facts were/are a moving target. We tried couples therapy and she couldn't answer a yes or no question factually. She would talk in circles and when the therapist would try to get a straight answer, she'd start crying. It would essentially stop the session...she didn't want to answer nor face her own issues and this crying tactic worked every time.
Every single aspect of who I was and proud of about myself was shredded. I did eventually see a therapist, because I'd lost myself.
I am so glad you mentioned the therapist who gets the charm turned o and they succumb.
This happened 3 times to me which has left me very cynical as to therapists.
My husband's trick was to tell a funny joke to start charming the therapist. He never told jokes in any other situation.
This is how my SO is. These are the patterns and behaviours that are part of what I call the SO mental problems that are not mine. My SO is troubled and I cannot help him and I will not make the SO problems mine. And I will not allow another person to define my own reality and I stand strong in myself knowing what it is I am looking at. And I have myself for my own happiness and joy. So I thank my God for giving me the intelligence to see this and be capable of separating from all of this and not running away from MY HOME because of another person who makes up crap in his own head about me and himself. Nope I see the problem and it is in the other persons head. And that's on him.
Good for you! That is very wise to remember the truth about what is going on.
Read this book and you will know there is no mental disease at all …. “ why does he do that” “ by Lundy Bancroft ….
Yep your right everything gets turned on to me once I try to talk to him about certain things I see in his behaviors as well.
Yes and nothing ever gets resolved
I can recognize it all You are talking about.
Thank You for telling me about it again.
I do appreciate your effort's 👌🤗
Thanks!
Thank you Learning what I didn’t learn before . Thank you so much for Clarification
I love you , your so spot on!
I'm glad you're finding these useful!
I love the silent treatment since he's had his man cave up the garden, I don't see him for days at a time, 10 days was the longest, it felt like a holiday 😂😂😂
Exactly! Good for you. When you can get to the place of actually enjoying your time while a Hijackal thinks they are punishing you with The Silent Treatment, you're gaining emotional health!
😂😂😂
First i would like to explain that i am using my 20 year old sons phone
Im female and 60
So my senior mother came to live with me and as i began to become aware of her questionable behavior towards me i am really trying to hold on to the belief that this is not the case and all the situations that are making my life ..."
"A nightmare" are just coincidences
But there are too many coincidences
And i now am convinced. So my example is the silent treatment and the longer we lived in the same house the silent treatment was happening more often . So after i got over feeling really bad that i was causing my mother to feel so disrespected by her insensitive daughter, then i started to enjoy the silent treatment because i got a little
break from all the disagreements.
Then it seems when she realized i was actually okay with her silent treatment
She started to specifically slam me with the silent treatment only when something very profound happened to me that validated my success in some way . So she would ruin the moment of me feeling proud of myself .
Thank you so much for this, Dr Shaler
Someone FINALLY explains to me in a simple understandable way what “trauma bond” means and looks like in practice. I hear it a lot but it is not well explained
Someone told me to look this word up and now I'm watching your video, and wow yeah exactly what I went thru for 8 years with my ex husband to the point I believed I had problems in my head. I'm now left with severe depression anxiety and PTSD. Thank you so much for this video, it's really helping me understand.
I agree. I have complex ptsd and at least half of it was thanks to the guy I used to be married to. I used to think I could talk to him and things would change. That was before I learned all this and even knew what gaslighting was.
Thank you so much! You have put into words so much of what I have gone through with one of my sisters and then my daughter, she spent a lot of time gasslighting me to her. What I have realized is she used my daughter as a way of hobbling me and also punishing me. The eggshells, the lies, rge gasslighting are really traumatic!
My life, "We'll see". I heard that so many times from imposter mother. "We'll sees" that never came to pass. Forgotten like garbage thrown out, long forgotten. Horrible excuse for an adopted parent. Anyone else hear that?
#8 - We went to marriage therapist about 12yrs ago and my husband sucked them right in and made me the one out to be the problem. I quit going to that person. When I wanted to change, the therapist said it confirmed I was the bad apple in the relationship. That just added so much fuel to his fire. It made me feel so defeated and beat up.
I'm sorry to hear that was your therapy experience. Sadly, that happens too often. That's why it's most useful to choose someone who has a specialty like minte in emotional and narcissistic abuse.
That's why I would never go to a therapist.
You got a particularly abusive therapist who doesnt deserve to be licensed. You could sue for malpractice if you can prove she abused her client. No decent therapist ever takes sides. It's unheard of. I'm so sorry you were victimized in this way. It"s double trouble when a counsellor and a husband both gang up on someone as fragile as you were going in.
@@supergran676I’ve had that too
Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
I was wondering if gaslighting was something that I experienced in my last relationship. He would lock doors that required a key on both sides when I didn't have my keys locking me out of my home. I had to knock on the door to ask to get back in. Things we experienced together were much different in his version of events than what I experienced. I would leave a room and turn the lights off, later he would say I left lights on. Things I heard him say he would say he didn't say. It didn't happen everyday. It was very insidious at first. Just here and there. He told my friends I was forgetful. I looked crazy and he came across as the good guy with an awful partner. I lost my friends , we no longer talk they took his side in the breakup. I saw no other way out then to cut all ties with him.No phonecalls , texts , no communication what so ever. I thought I was in the clear when he suddenly started showing up at places he knew I would be at. My moms home, my work. If he showed up I would just leave or not engage in anyway, if I couldn't leave. It's been 5 years and I'm afraid of relationships. I still 2nd guess myself. Did I say that, did I move that , am I remembering correctly or am I lying to myself.As bad as it is theres a part inside of me telling me I am not crazy
I too have done some gas lighting unfortunately I am guilty of it. Only difference is that I’m trying to change.
My own brother thinks it’s okay to say toxic hurtful things to me and when I respond and defend myself I’M the bad guy. I walked away from him. I’ll probably never speak to him again because the last time he pulled this I told him he’s now lost the right to ever speak to me again. I’m fine with that. I’m sick of being told I’m a horrible person. I know my reality and I know I’m not. I don’t put up with abuse. There’s plenty of people in my life that love me I don’t need him abusing me because he’s jealous of me.
You just described one of my sisters 🤌🏼🚩
I have a relative that constantly lies about so many things she seems to
believe what she is saying. She will
contradict prior statements and
makes up a new reality. She will
never take responsibility for
anything she may have done wrong.
She will even say someone else
actually said or did which in reality
she did. It can be crazy making!
Seems to be little doubt that it is crazy-making for sure!
I just told the guy I’ll just accept all your crap and yet he still couldn’t tell me the truth. It’s like no really dude I accept who you are but in my head I was thinking I’ll just keep him as a far distant friend and date around
I can hardly get a straight direct answer from the simplest questions. In my experience, it hasn’t been lying so much as just not giving me a response to what I have asked. I have thought it was a cognition problem on their part. There are other weird responses I get. It’s like he takes what I’ve said and reinterpreted to what he thinks I could have asked him. Awful!
Yes, that IS awful! It would seem that he is looking for ways to "win" and feels his strategy protects himself in some strange way. It's an unusual take on "only ask me questions I can benefit from answering," isn't it? And, if you don't ask those questions, I'll warp the question into one I have an advantage asking. Strange!
My room mate was ok at first. Then over two years he's become more interested in my coming and going....where I went. How "worried" he was about me. I always noticed he would leave out just enough info that I could remember speaking @ some subject but not the OMITTED details! If I bucked it he would suggest that maybe something was wrong w me? Then, about 2 wks ago, he started implying he was concerned I might be suicidal??? Wth? He said, "because you said it!" Noooooo...I jokingly reached for the sky and said the worlds gone crazy! I'm ready to go! So, the best strategy is to not give them extra fuel and get away from them.
@@smallhouseinthemeadow6131 oh that is a good way to see it like this. Never crossed my mind earlier
Can you expand? I’m experiencing this now! My husband will give me an inappropriate answers and claim he was responding to what he assumed I meant?
I am at the point that I literally break down everytime he does it because I can recognize it now and honestly I wish I hadn’t ever discovered I might be gaslighted because now I call it out and cause a big reaction which Ofcourse shifts the focus onto me and how crazy I’m acting.
That is my wife 100 percent!!
My entire family tries to gaslight me. Its very dysfunctional and crazy-making. I am working very hard of distancing myself from them. Adult kids and the grandkids. Love them but they are making mr miserable. You are right on the dime about all of this.
And as I listen I realize I have done some of these things and I know that I have reacted I feel I recognize it and I honestly feel I never saw how horribly he did this and I would stonewall and shut down.. and I would react after boundaries were crossed, jealousy turned accusatory etc etc , gaslit etc
My husband will randomly accuse me of crazy things out of nowhere. Like he will say to me “you think I’m cheating on you!” It will come out of nowhere, when we’re just hanging out and everything is peaceful and happy. Then when I try to explain that i don’t think that at all he refuses to let me talk and starts getting loud and yelling over me. It usually ends up with me trying to tell him that I swear on my entire families lives that I wasn’t thinking he’s cheating in any way whatsoever, but he doesn’t listen. He won’t even let me speak and then he says “I don’t want anything to do with your drama!” It’s so crazy because he just does this out of nowhere when there was absolutely no drama at all and it’s just this crazy scenerio he makes up in his head for no reason. It’s insane. I’m really thinking that he’s a hijackal and he’s had me fooled for a long time. I’ve really been thinking about leaving but our home is under a contract that we can’t sell it for 19 more years and neither one of us can afford to cover the bills ourselves. It’s really a mess. If only I had the money I would leave.
My grown son gaslights me a lot , however I could care less and I don't take it personally. I see it as his problem and not mine. But when he stabs my car tires and hammers my counter tops and throws bowling balls into my pool and hell knows what else,
it really bothers me and I don't trust him and I look for ways to get hem out of my life. He lives too close to ignore, in a separate part of the house.
So true. They are the exact reflection of their parents. You cant expect them to be different. We are the great imitators of our parents so if you dont like what you are seeing in your partner well its better to abandon it rather than to go through all the trouble. They will not change.
My soon to be ex-husband would tell me things like "that shouldn't be a problem." When it became a problem, he would then tell me, "I said it shouldn't be a problem, not that it wouldn't be a problem." He knew he was leading me to believe that it wouldn't be a problem, and then make me feel crazy when I was upset for it being a problem. So glad that I am now out of that situation.
It sounds as though you've made a wise choice for yourself.
Mine says , I’m a simple person (him) I like to think of myself as simple.. and love a simple life and I make things so complicated and I’m so annoying for it , when all I do is try to communicate with him in a healthy way and it spirals out of control and gets switch around on me so fast it hard not to lose my cool . He can never take responsibility for anything. It’s always someone else fault or this or that . After he has started how simple he is sometimes (depending on the situation) I can say well so much for things being so simple . I mean can he seriously think he is simple ? When he is anything and everything but simple , I am simple and I simply want to deal with issues in a calm healthy manner in order to get a problem resolved to love on with my day . When he says stuff like you ruin everyday or I just ruin his life he is so stressed out and hates me . (He says things like this when he’s cheating or talking to other women to get me to be quite and I just try to stay far away from him out of fear . But I’m starting to figure out his tactics and reasoning behind them
Yesssss! Says I never listen to a word he said. Even though I could repeat it back verbatim. Or he'd say I never said that... don't put words in my mouth.
I have been going through abuse emotionally; physically; verbally and financially for more than 30 years. My husband refuses to go for couple counselling. He has a very short temper and erupts unexpectedly. 😭 right now I am getting the silent treatment because I asserted myself.
Most Hijackals refuse to go to counseling. Those who do mostly go because they believe they can charm, seduce, and manipulate the therapist into believing their story and join them in re-wounding their partners.
In my case going to counseling was a huge mistake. All she did was try to manipulate the counselors. And she did it to the first 3. The 4th counselor took my side when she physically attacked me in the counseling office. Then she would never go again after that. If you do go make sure the counselor knows about NPD disorder.
My husband told me 2 years ago hw won't be seen in public with me . And I'm pretty ...and so we go no where together ...
@@cindyguild8086get out!
Did he tell you why he wouldn’t be seen with you
I feel like gaslighting ties into fawning. The person fawning will flat out lie to maintain a facade of peace and avoid the displeasure of another.
I will say that some neurodivergent people struggle to make eye contact and it has nothing to do with being dishonest. I definitely have this struggle. While a person is talking to me, my focus is split between making myself look at a spot on the person’s face and listening to what they are saying. It’s a lot easier to look at their nose or forehead than their eyes and actually engage in what they are saying.
It's so much harder when it's your parent doing this because you can feel so trapped. I don't know if i'll get out of my situation alive but if i do, i will open a shelter when i have the means to help children who have been abused by their parents and have no other support
Having abusive parents is very difficult, I know. I hope that you have a plan to leave and that you can execute it successfully.
Its like being beaten down on a constant basis. I internalized all the hate and blame from all the sick and toxic behavior. Blamed myself... forever. Its sick. Very sick
Wow. I learned alot. I thought gaslighting was smaller than it actually is
OMG Yessss that statement about get to know their parents most Narcissist dont like being @ their parents but yesss get to know their parents unless they are adopted because Narcissism is genetics its either the Dad who are a Narc or the Mom side or Both.....& being raised by one you can learn some of their traits like short patience being in that environment of a toxic person its a learned behavior too.....
Mine lies about the most ridiculous things. I can only imagine what they are really hiding.
Why do they do this? My son has been an addict for 8 years and has turned into a narcissistic gaslighter. He has berated his gf so much she has zero self esteem and also started using but is sober now. Their kids 9-10 don’t want to be there. My son was never like this before. He lies and pretends there’s nothing wrong with him . I want to knock him out it’s so disgusting
My husband gets so mad that I ask him to take out the garbage (inconvenience) he will never put a bag back in the can. He knows that will make me upset. Then he twists it all around on me. Im to demanding, unreasonable and ask to much of him. That's just one weekly issue. I have thousands!
That's difficult. Twisting stories is something Hijackals excel at!
I got mixed up with him in 2003 and it took me until 2018 to get away from him, now he’s suing me, and lying to everyone that I did stuff to him. He made my life horribly that it is taken me so long to get over it all. Just an example he would do is kick me in his sleep and say he was having a dream he was fighting. I knew he was lying 🤥
Good for you for moving on when someone makes your life horrible! It often seems that freeing yourself from them completely takes forever. They lie, cheat, triangulate, whatever it takes to "win" in their minds. I hope you're soon free of having to think about him.
I actually did know my "high jackyll" better than she knew herself. That's how I escaped her. So predictable.
Yes, that's possible. It's when you tell someone that you know them better than they know themselves that is turns into gaslighting. Good for you for voting for health!
I was born into a family of hi-jackles. For years I have suffered, not knowing exactly what was going on with us. My family that is. Now I know what is going on. I can't thank you enough for your informative knowledge. Being born in a family like this is very painful.
You're welcome.
Oh, yes, a lair of Hijackals in an extended family is horrible. I was born into such a mess, too.
Francis Miller, I was also born into a family of toxic siblings. Full of vicious jealousy, mind games. As I was the youngest member with talents they brutalised me and I still bear the scars. This doctor is brilliant, I have at last heard now what has been going on for years, thank you again doctor.
Frances Millar. I'm sorry I got your name wrong in my reply, apologies.
My partner says " there's no reaction without n action, me being the action that causes his reaction " or a tribe saying " a woman does not cook what her man does not eat"
I just realised all that i have been reading, watching , learning has been my for at least the past years of my life. Emotionally drained... experiencing Gaslighting, emotionally unintelligent husband, intimate anorexia. He literally said if i am more supportive, then he will be more able to meet my emotionally needs
That's crazy-making, right? Such a circular argument so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for any of his behaviors.
Does that mean be at will to have more sex when he wants it?
Mine says the EXACT same thing.
he has never been sly and manipulative and dishonest but he is now at 68 I CAN'T STAND IT.
I watched a video last night that said something about codependent I know I'm not a codependent. I don't look for love and support outside of me. I don't need to be the center of someone else attention. The truth is I like the silence and the respect and inner peace I have when toxic people and people who are not good for my health are gone. It has been a uphill battle getting this technology out of my life. I went through so much mental mess because of these people. My ex would say things like that. He would say that I that he knew me yet he was being told things from others who only would accuse and assume things. I always felt as if I was being attacked and accused. I was because I had brain fog and depression from these people and I knew I needed to make plans to get out of the mental mess they was causing me. You don't belittle and attack someone because you believe you are in control and someone is suppose to listen to you live a life that is going to make the people out of you happy. Your in charge of your own happiness. Self love is apart of you no longer living this life that toxic family or an ex is pleased about if you surrender and stay in a box full of gaslighting and attacks. They will tell you that you said you said something you didn't say. They will turn around and turn something you have said into you said something that was harmful and then it's another mess. It's like gang stalking where they gang up on you and accuse you or crap twisting things is what they do. I moved the opposite direction from them all and it's like a sick game they play. The trauma bond and love bombing they do makes you more sick to the stomach because these people really try to use religion even to manipulate who you are suppose to be and what you are suppose to give them after the amount of evil and wrong they have intentionally done to you. I want to tell everyone that you should remove yourself from them and work on your healing but it comes from removing yourself from these people. You can't get well around the same people who got off getting you sick. The only way to end it is to cut all ties with these people. Toxic abusive people will play the victim. When I fell you that you deserve better you do. These are the type of people that even though I'm no longer a Christain I will not be manipulated or forced to have a connection or trauma bond with people who know they are not good. The rose colored glasses is nothing when it comes to such people take them off when people show you who they are believe them. Don't gaslight yourself repainting a picture about them. Evil is evil wrong is wrong. The worst thing you can do is make excuses for them
"Who does that?!" I have definitely said that one!
This was worth listening to while I was doing some chores when I have enough money I'm definitely going to get that online course
My partner broke up with me recently. The main reason she said that I lied to her. I did lie to her. But in the matters where I lied when they first appeared I was completely honest but they made her really upset and she sometime stopped talking to me or we had huge fights. To avoid those fights and not to upset her I lied about really dumb things like eating or going to a friend. I stopped drinking before I met her. I said her that when we first started to talk but later when we had any arguments she sometimes called me drunk. That hurt me. I just don't want to have fights with her. I know lying is wrong but I still did it. She left. Am I really that bad? She did give so much to me but I never wanted to hurt her but I did. What should I do?
Move on, learn about boundaries, and don't lie to the next one is my 2 cents.
Lying is wrong and it undermines a relationship quickly. If you're willing to change your ways, and she is willing to give you another chance, go into counseling and resolve the underlying issues.
It's normal, Sumitra. You were acting in self-protection. You've received some bad advice here. If being truthful results in you being abused, what would ANY normal person do? Sometimes healing space needs to not be moral space.
No those are white lies I was dating with a pathological liar who would make up fake stories that’s when it is super toxic. My ex of 6 years would sometimes gas light and me him but it’s not like how it was with this other dude I was with.
Also when my family gaslight me and lies, they act like I am attacking their character if I dare to hurt them enough to call them out on anything
That's typical of Hijackals! Stay strong and clear, refusing to believe their gaslighting. It's worth it!
I know how you feel , same insanity happened to me.
They roll their eyes
How can I get help...really difficult to fight back...being accused of the smallest...absolutely no understanding..unable to keep them calm n give reply....can only keep calm n not talk at all that too is flaring up
Well sometimes I feel like it might be me but I'm tired of trying to figure out who's what
I understand. The whole relationship can be overwhelming and exhausting.
Am I blame shifting when my husband complains that the kitchen is messy and I point out all the things he took out or messed up in the kitchen?
When u said Hijackal I thought initially it was a clever allusion to the Dr Jekkel and Mr Hyde part of some peoples personality 😬
Also several times a week accused me of cheating! Hated it when I said... in my experience it's usually the person accusing that's the one cheating. He's a truck driver gone for a week or more at a time. I have health issues, can't drive and have someone with me 22 hours a day.My helper comes 2 hrs after the kids go to school and leaves after they get home from school. Besides he has completely turned me off to any intimacy with him let alone anyone else.
You have such a precious voice 😍
I started watching "narcissist" and gaslightling videos to try to uelp save my sister from her boyfriend ... there is no doubt that he is a manipulative jerk. But now, after I learned all of this, I'm wondering if my sister is just as manipulative, or if she is just being influenced by him ....
I think it's time to just step back. It's taking too much of my energy.
Well I been out of my relationship for 3 years and feel great he were the same way
Good word!!!
I'ts a shame how many people are mentally messed up 👺
I feel like telling me what to love and not love is gaslighting and such right ?
Yep I knew
Yes, but more when they tell you THAT you love someone, even when you don't.
Parents and partner! Had to cut them all off! Too many years of emotional abuse.
Good for you for doing what is best for your emotional health!
Hi Doctor, I love your videos! If you could give me some insight I would deeply appreciate it. I still want to have hope that my daughter is BPD and not NPD but they are so very similar! Is there any difference between them? Is there hope? I just cry out in hope for her so much. I have heard that BPD has more to do with a fear of abandonment and loneliness which I believe my daughter is prone to. I do not believe she wants to be seen as 'superior' as NPD is known for. Since I got remarried after my husband of 30 years passed away, I noticed these horrible behaviors in her come out for the first time. She was a lovely child to raise and a true blessing! But now that she is in her 20's and I remarried and spent far less time with her I have seen this rebellious and difficult side for the first time. We did take personality tests and we share the same personality (INFP), but on the 2nd part of the personality test I was a "Confident Individualist" which she was labeled a "Turbulent Type Personality". I pray for her so much and it does deeply burden my heart. My husband and I went out for dinner with her recently and she was like a DREAM - she paid for the meal, behaved respectively toward my husband, and was acting pleasant and normal! I hope this continues but I do have my guard up since we have endured so many difficulties in the past. Thank you in advance and I appreciate you greatly!
The narcs sister told me how their father treated them as kids. I would never have guessed, their dad being an MD and supposedly a pillar of society.
They use hypnotic inductions, that is why it is so difficult to stay sane and centered.
Nonsence i dont say anything I just do wha he doesnt do though theres many times he has blamshift just to keep the peace I do what ever it is he didnt do when he feels up to it,it doesnt take him long to do it .
I just believe he's going to keep faulting me no matter what because of his unresolved pain.
Oh yes, the scapgoat my childhood label I was the third sibling of eight.Now that Im getting things
Im not being affected by what he specks because it is worse, im on to his sneaky manipulation, and I see it much more clearly, now.
Thank you very much. I do believe I matter, Im not OK but I will be, thank you for all your hard work on this
subject I appreciate you God bless you more, have a terrific day.
Hello Dr Roberta Shaler, what if gaslighting never ends, there is no other option than moving away I guess since it's very damaging and people made a habit of it, I guess it must be their favorite activity, ( now unfortunately even some sort of trend they popularized it they don't understand this sort of behavior is UNACCEPTABLE) since it doesn't change (they are ignorants they think they are intelligent when they are absolutely irritating, they think it's wit but it's just plain vulgar intimidation ) shall I turn a blind eye or like you said getting strong before moving away thing or moving away fast is a better option? Actually with covid most of the options fail :( Specially for an emotionally sensitive person like me this is an inexpressible nightmare.
* Kindest regards ^ ^ Looking forward to your next podcasts.
Can I give you some words that may help. Ask YOURSELF do you believe what this other person says. Like do you truly believe them? I do not even know you and I can pretty much guess your response...NO. So then what are you guessing about? You see the disordered person before you right? So is this person really that in control of you to make you run from your home? Of course if violence is there, yes run but...do you see where I'm going with this? I hope it helps in a small way. Peace
God Bless you 🙏
Julietta, you understand the behavior is unacceptable, even if they do not. The way to demonstrate to someone that their behavior is unacceptable to you is to set non-negotiable boundaries with consequences. When someone refuses to respect the boundary, the consequences are then known and enacted.
I suggest people become as clear, assertive, and empowered as possible before leaving--for their own sakes! (That means getting good help.) Then, when they leave, they are not picking up what's left of themselves, their self-esteem and self-confidence, and feeling demoralized and depressed in reduced circumstances. They have a good start at a new life for all the right reasons, and with more effective skills and better knowledge of themselves and the life they want to create.
@@ForRelationshipHelp I don't know why they violated my life like it's their OBLIGATION , I have been trying to post a text that explains the burden briefly but it's getting deleted???
@@ForRelationshipHelp I know it's unacceptable. Said it millions of times, they don't care. It's about their gains obviously not mine.
I feel like I lost half of my life, it really doesn't feel right at all, I'm not depressed but knowing this should have never happened makes me very sad. I'm living with this because of their greed. UNACCEPTABLE. It's like they STOLE my life and replaced it something I'VE NEVER WANTED AND STILL REFUSING THEIR REPLACEMENT FOR YEARS THIS CAN'T BE MY REALITY and I'm forced to switch???? WHY, I really didn't need this in my life.
I WANT MY LIFE BACK.
What if someone lives with you...an x bf, doesn't pay rent, and has no income when I'm on disability. I'd that considered abuse? I can't get him to leave when I mention it I suddenly find him helping my apartment and my car and cat but I'm worried. He tells me good things but when he and I argue, he says munipulative words so that he can stay...he will be homeless. I feel like he lied to me since the first date. I think he makes me feel like I'm dependent on him. I feel like he's saying bad things about to my neighbors that I've known over 8 years and I feel like he's venting to him. He goes over there all the time they no longer invite me over and I'm very upset. I have to leave my house to make my private calls. He says I don't pay at/entire. He says the gov follows him. He agrees with me one min then tells me I don't listen to him. He is a professional squatter. I don't know, I'm scared I can't be independent again and I feel that is him manipulating me so he can stay and not be homeless. He complains about how I clean, he says negative comments about my cleaning abilities. What is this all considered. I'm scared of him to a degree but I feel like I can talk to him and that frightens me I feel like he thinks he wins. What is he doing? Please help me.
I think it's time for him to go, don't you? You're not responsible for his potential homelessness. That's a choice he's making by not creating income for himself. It sounds as though you're right: "he's a professional squatter" and he has an attitude, it seems.
How are you now ?🙏🏽
I belive my ex was a sadist. I told her my previous relationship ended in cheating and i suffered a nervous breakdown.
I asked her to never cheat on me and she did. Years of her constantly texting.
Leaving the house for hours on end. I am now really mentally damaged.
I threw her out. She saw me suffering. She saw my panic attacks. She stood cold and just watched.
I understand. Please know it wasn't you.l8ving with evil is shattering but they're losers, so don't water the tares they planted.
The one I can't stand is tell me how I'm feeling. (Your angry, you can't be bothered, missing in action when, your this or that) even when I feel calm she tells me how I am feeling so I go gray rock
Gray rock is a good option, and even better when you can do it without malice. Just be present, and neutral.