Is Hookup Culture Unhealthy?
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 พ.ค. 2019
- Internet Analysis: Hookup Culture! Sweet Sponsor: click here bit.ly/2GJ817P to get 20% off your custom formula from Function of Beauty. Available in the US, GB, EU, CA, AUS, and NZ only. Function of Beauty makes unique personalized hair care that is vegan and cruelty-free.
#internetanalysis #hookupculture #commentary
THUMBNAIL ILLUSTRATION BY CATHERINE LIANG, from the Daily Pennsylvanian.
TIME STAMPS / TABLE OF CONTEXT / TABLE OF CONTENTS LMFAO:
0:55 - what is hookup culture?
2:20 - some (assumed) pros and cons of casual SAX (will I be demonetized just for typing out that word correctly?? I'm not taking chances lol)
3:02 - is hookup culture part of sAxual liberation of women? is that a good thing?
3:56 - the definition of sex positivity, from Hannah Witton
5:12 - if you don't participate in hookup culture, are you a prude? should young people be focused on being single and "free" rather than getting "tied down" in relationships?
7:50 - sponsored moment, brought to you by Function of Beauty!
9:01 - what motivates people to participate in hookup culture? why the fear of catching feelings?
10:31 - media portrayals of hookup culture. are we the first generations to hookup so casually? what about "free love" in the 1960s?
12:37 - does anyone even date anymore?? + in next video I will explore dating apps
13:55 - hookup culture within the LGBTQ+ community
15:33 - what about asexuals? what is it like to be surrounded by such a highly sexual culture?
16:10 - the importance of COMMUNICATION. define your expectations, even if you just want a casual fling
18:21 - SO, is hookup culture unhealthy?
20:02 - hookup culture creates unhealthy expectations for everyone. watch the documentary "Liberated - The New Sexual Revolution" on netflix! toxic masculinity... men often have to prove their manliness through sex. rather than rebelling against the patriarchy, is hookup culture actually reinforcing the patriarchy??? IDK!!!
22:40 - hookup culture may make it difficult to learn / practice how to have a healthy relationship
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Hello my dudes! My name is Tiffany Ferguson. I’m a 23 year old sharing my thoughts and life experiences. Here on Tiffanyferg, recently I've been working on my Internet Analysis series, where I research and share some commentary about online trends. I also occasionally talk about my experiences with college, traveling, study abroad, veganism, and other young-adult tings.
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25 years ago we had the pressure to not hook up, todays youth has the pressure to hook up, what a weird world
I feel like girls still get looked down on when they hook up(they get called whores, dirty, etc).
That's pretty normal. If you look at history it's very common for a period of x to get followed by a period of the opposite of x. We can see that in art and fashion, but also with social issues like this. We've been restricted for so long so now we are just being extra, but it will surely balance itself over time, I think! Contraceptives has changed the game entirely. Shame regarding sex used to function as a contraceptive when they didn't have any, but now that we can reduce the risk of getting pregnant greatly and there is no shame needed to prevent pregnancy. We no longer need to shame women into not having sex, or marry someone to have it.
Eh, the pendulum swings back and forth. Look at the 60s and 70s, the free love movement. It’s not new, just... with different verbiage.
@@SunflowerSpotlight then we got the aids epidemic in the 80s and 90s and people grew a brain.
Well every generation sees the last generation and tries to be "better" or different because they see its flaws. Truth is, we're all in the same boat. Last generation isnt very different from the current one in that we all think the same way. We'll always think they didn't know any better or they were doing it wrong.
Someone questioned if I was into guys because I'm still a virgin. They couldn't comprehend that I hadn't slept with anyone by choice, so it must be because I don't like men or that I'm prudish. I'm pro-sexual liberation and have never felt any shame around sexuality. Part of liberation is having the power to pick when and who you share your body with.
simply.s people have asked me if I’m even into guys because I’m still a virgin lol like yes I am but I also wanna have feelings for the person who I’ll have sex with
Amen!
Yes i get this all the time. My friend once said "i thought you were gay because youve never kisses a guy" like it has NO correlation what so ever
I remember this guy I was planning to hookup with asked if I have experience and I said "yeah Ive slept with one guy a few times..." and he couldnt comprehend that I didn't lose my virginity through a boyfriend and kept on asking me if I even knew how to masturbate. He refused to believe that that was how I lost my virginity because it wasn't "girly" enough. Man sometimes I miss the guy I lost my virginity to because he was an absolute gentleman...
You’re really pretty :)
Haha! My ex dumped me because he thought the grass was greener online. Turns out that wasn’t the case. He now resents me for not taking him back. Sorry dude, I’m not disposable!
I'm so glad you didn't take him back and that you knew/know your worth! 💕
Yaaassss!!
YES!❤💕
❤️
He sucks lol so superficial (really ?? Like online!??) people are so dumb , there are so many people who text instagram models and think they'll date them instead of real life gf and it baffles me. Like whyyy?
When I wasn't sexually active, a close friend of mine literally called me "boring". She often would push me into having sex when I didnt want to, calling me weird and asking me if "I finally got laid" out of context of whatever the subject matter was. When I mentioned this recently (9 years later) she accused me of slut-shaming her, when I didnt bring her sex life or even condemn sex of any kind or frequency (I have since then changed my own personal stance on sex and how I choose to engage in it). But because I mentioned that I felt judged from my personal choice at such an impressionable time, all of the sudden I was the judgmental one. So fun. We're no longer friends. I'm a little more picky on how I choose my friends now.
good thing you ended friendship w her
glad you’re no longer friends with her. and tbh people who make “i have sex” their entire personality are usually boring AF.
Good that all sounded like major frenemy behavior. I've had experiences like that that took me years to realize, this person only asked about my life to feel better about theirs.
“You’re slut shaming me” is my favorite phrase after I tell people I disagree with hook up culture, but say they are allowed to partake in it as they see fit. It sounds to me like she was projecting her insecurities onto you.
I was shamed for being a virgin then shamed when I wasn’t a virgin, no matter what I was shamed so I just stopped caring and became abstinent.
I'm not into hook up culture because TRUST. Trusting a stranger(ish) with my body seems horrifying.
Exactly!
Nickie Hundevadt right? it seems so scary and uncomfortable :0
Yes yes yes.
You should definitely be able to trust the person (or people) you're having sex with. However, you can have a friend with benefits (trust) that, as Tiffany pointed out, falls under the umbrella of hookup culture.
Please don't take the Lords name in vain but other than that i agree
I think hook up culture is often used as a fake form of intimacy, and that way I think it's unhealthy. People often use sex to fill the void or boost their low confidence and that's not good!
Is it bad if it actually helps some people to boost their confidence? I fell in to that category before and hooking up with hot guys for a while made me feel empowered and wanted after a toxic and abusive relationship which murdered my self confidence. It made me happy, so I'm thankful for that time.
Emily i never engaged in this form of culture lol i wish i had been though... valid point!
Yea I agree with you. I think it has to do with the internet and its intangible nature. Sure we are more connected than ever, but not through one critical sense. Touch. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Harlow’s monkeys is that living being crave touch and comfort. In some cases more than any other physical need. People can talk to the entire world online, but physically can live a very isolated and lonely life. This is probably why hook up culture is so big. People crave intimacy now more than ever.
You could say the same about people who get into relationships just to boost their confidence
@@neverholdmed0wn I dont think it's bad per say but more so what your goal is. If the confidence boost came as a byproduct of your relationships with those guys, then more power to you, that's great! However, if you sought those guys out merely to feed your ego then no. You haven't really dealt with that trauma and you're using external things to fix it temporarily. Only time and therapy can heal something like that.
Everything is about sex and everything is sexualised. Being in a relationship is almost impossible for for example the girls and guys you see on social media. Everyone thinks people are replaceable and that there are more beautiful and sexual people out there. If there are problems in a relationship guys will usually tell their friends to dump their “bitch” and just find another one. It’s ruining us as a society and we should raise the standards and put in more effort.
You're not wrong there. Been with my fiance for 7 years now and the first 4 years into our relationship whenever me and him got into a stupid fight, he use to vent to his friends about it then they tell him "man, f"ck her!".. or "just move on and find another b*tch" one of his friends even tried convincing him once to dump me so he could have a wingman for the night even though he himself had a baby momma waiting for him at home.. and 3 years later none of his "friends" are even around anymore. They moved on with their life. Or he had to cut ties with some of them bc they were so toxic. If he was actually dumb enough back then to follow the whole "bros before hoes" he would have just ended up alone.
@@Faery_Witch422 I’m glad he had some sense and stayed with you, and if not you’d deserve so much better.
@@isabelleizzy1927 thank you love! And I wish nothing but the best for you as well! And he did. He actually thanked me for opening his eyes to how toxic alot of of his childhood friends were. He just finally had to see that for himself. Take care hun! 🤗💕
Thank you ,we feel as if another person is a swipe away and it’s the wrong mentality completely
@@goldtiger9453 exactly! “A swipe” away is the perfect term
As someone who very recently has engaged in hook up culture, I find nothing empowering about it. The feeling after is usually somewhere between used, confused, or unsatisfied. It doesn’t feel normal to want someone or to have someone want you so badly, and to wake up the next morning and act like strangers. Also most women who i know that engage in hook up culture, seem kind of miserable. Always feeling used/ disrespected by men, being ghosted, all of that. And the men almost unable to create real healthy bonds, always looking for the next girl to fulfill their sexual needs, going back to being alone after each one. It’s just not as amazing as ppl make it out to be in MY opinion based on experience/ observation. I do agree everyone should feel free to do as they please, but to judge someone for not wanting to engage in this is ridiculous.
and that is becayse of men/misogyny, not bc it's casual sex. it being casual is not an excuse to treat ppl like shit, it doesn't have to be this way but unfortunatelly women get screwed over in the scenarios :( it's so fkdup.
Comepletely agree - engaging in casual sex opened the door for me to be abused and hurt. I was attempting to empower myself but just like you said; I felt used.
@@natevans8024 It's literally nothing to do with 'misogyny', it's just the psychological response to hooking up when you don't know the person and then they leave / act like a stranger to you.
Men get 'screwed' over and ghosted equally as much as women. Hookup culture is detrimental for both men and women, it doesn't benefit either party in the long-run. People being shitty isn't a gendered thing. It's just a by-product of the hook-up, throaway online-dating culture wherein people become commodified and you begin to treat individuals more like products or service to be used than actual people (aka the 'swiping' approach to dating apps that reduces people to literally an attractive object or unattractive object, as if you're browsing through clothes at the shops).
Yeah it's so fucked up I don't want to be a part of it anymore
All the men in there are broken and end up treating you like trash because that's how they feel about themselves it's so toxic
You're beautiful! Please don't ever let any man or woman think that you're not worthy of love, and a committed relationship. 💓
It’s so weird being in a relationship in the midst of hookup culture. My first “real” boyfriend was a lot more sexually experienced than I was. I didn’t do anything previously. He actually would shame me in front of our friends because I hadn’t gone down on him yet. I can’t believe I didn’t end it right then and there. I shouldn’t be shamed for being inexperienced.
@Ronnie
I suppose you have a warning light on your forehead? If not I would look into getting one, or at least a tattoo. ;)
Thank god you broke it off! How dare he shame you !
@@chokinonashes61 you need a warning light to know who's an asshole?
@@jonathanxavier2026 abusive and manipulation isnt black and white. learn to have empathy. its a journey for every person to know the difference
@Ronnie I'm trying to think of something meaningful to say to you. Maybe just try not to think of women as stupid and as your ennemies... it does not make people see the best in you. Stop bashing women. And all others.
I can’t separate love and sex , I can’t imagine myself having sex with someone I don’t love.
That's normal, anyone who says different is wrong.
@@dusty5472 There`s nothing especially normal about this. For billions of years, humanoids species had sexual relatinship before the concept of Love or even Consent made its appearance...
@@dusty5472 You have to be completely deluded if you think there is such thing as love. Its a stupid idiotic medieval concept. Btw. ancient Greeks had 8 different types of ,, love ''.
@@paulgabel8261 no, there's actually some science to this to a certain degree
@@inthepipe5by549 nope, used to think like you, but have found out that love exists
I'm rather surprised that she never mentioned the issue of unwanted pregnancy as a result of "hooking up."
she even included it in a "pro" the use of contraception methods
smh
@@ivypirata9332 She addressed the use of condoms within the context of std's. I may be wrong, but I don't recall a mention of pregnancy. Either way, it's a non sequitur whereas acknowledging a need of contraception fails to address the topic raised which is unwanted pregnancy.
hm.. most people that hook up use protection and/or are on the pill, so it's not that common or relevant
@@sweetdaydreamer8868 but can't pregnancies happen even with condoms and/or pills?
this isn’t the 1980s contraception and access to sexual education is everywhere in the west
I don't understand how we can denounce binge eating, bad diets, drinking alcohol, too much partying yet irresponsible and reckless sexual practices are seen as "liberating" and "positive". Not to mention the destructive effect sex and pornography addictions can have on (especially young) people, relationships and society as a whole.
I agree, some things should be in moderation. For example some people are naturally more sexual and they should participate in hook up culture if they want, but they shouldn't over do for their own safety. Too much of anything is bad.
Real talk
I feel that way about non monogamy as well
@@inderjitkainth5353 Skill issue. Monogamy works for some people, some people can make polyamory work. I’m in a fantastic polycule myself, and I’ve literally never been happier.
agreed. i now belive it is so promiscuous people can have all the fun and no consequences. they are irate when you mention it’s kind of self harm in a way and shouldn’t be pushed on people. just as alcohol is bad and normalized so is casual sex.
"People get shamed if they're virgins or if they're not having enough sex, it teaches them to have unhealthy views of what sex is and what intimacy is, they're not thinking about the intimacy they're just thinking about it as a game or a way to prove themselves" That was my favorite thing you said, it's soooo true, people be out there having sex just because they wanna prove something to someone or brag around instead of actually enjoying it.
**incels have entered the chat**
@@user-qv2qf1jk5o your part of the fucking problem
A S bullshit, they are a result of the problem
@Ciaran L1998 Kudos to you mate! The studies I came across show that fewer relationships you have before marriage, better the chance to create and maintain a long term relationship, especially for women. The most happy women are those with a husband, kids and who had 3 or fewer relationships before marriage. Hook-up culture is especially damaging to young women, it destroys their emotions and impairs their long term binding with their future partner. Go figure! Men and women are biologically different, they are not wired the same. Since men are less emotional by nature, to face dangers in the environment, they can have 10 partners or more and still maintain their emotional health. Women are more emotional in order to nurture their offspring, thus they get hurt more in the hook-up culture. They get emotionally involved with their hook-up partners, whether they like it or not, and then go through emotional break down when their casual partners do not show any interest in them after the act. We are biologically different whether you like it or not, whether you acknowledge it or not regardless of what the mainstream liberal leftist media would have you believe. And yes, the Gen Z is far less interested in sex than Millennials. My 15 yo son has not even gone for any date yet and does not think it is a problem. Most of his friends at school are not dating either, so nothing he has to be ashamed of, but then again this is Central Europe, which is much more conservative culture to begin with.
@ This is exactly the problem. This civilization is doomed when women regret having kids or choose not to have them. And I know that you probably will tell that it is all men's fault. But actually, this is women who raised those men mostly, thus not teaching them how to be responsible. A women cannot teach a boy how to be a man. Only father can do it by showing him good example. You remove fathers from the equation and you get boys who become irresponsible men and they refuse commitment and taking responsibility for their families.
One thing I find interesting is that studies are showing that Generation Z is actually less sexually active on average than previous generations, such as Generation X, Millennials, and the Baby Boomers, yet discussion about “hookup culture” is at an all-time high. Could this simply be because of more sexually themed media or are these studies just inaccurate? I’d be interested to find out.
snackmanultra honestly most of gen z are still kids (im a gen z myself :) )
iconic blonde Sorry, should have been clearer. I meant the older half of gen z (around ages 16-20) when compared to previous generations when they were that age. lol not talking about preteens or anything like that
My guess is that it has lots to do with the age old phenomenon of the older generations being (hypocritically) judgemental of the younger ones. Aristotle famously complained about the “youth running wild in the streets”, proving that these anxieties are hardly new.
Could you imagine tinder in the 60s? 🤣
Exactly! That's why I don't think "hookup culture" is a real thing. People just assume all teens are having sex like mad
But study’s show that people who have multiple sexual partners have lower self esteem, how come no one talks about that?
It's too controversial and if you say that, then you're "shaming" and you're "sex negative, retrograde"
@@danielbarcasnegras5097 it's sad
I can see how that's true cause it's very much like getting likes on imstagram or followers for that matter, instant gratification, validation that someone would have sax with them and that they are desirable but it doesn't last long. It's just a small high like everything else 😑 where as a "real" relationship makes you feel fulfilled you know ?
@@pretty948 cant disagree social media ruin woman
@@mariobx7186 and men as well. Particularly teens. It's very sexist of you to be slut shaming women and saying they don't deserve a man to marry them because they've had sexual interaction on their past. Where as it seems to me you're completely unbothered if men sleep around?
“Catching feelings....” like it’s a disease, smh. There’s no such thing as not having any feelings. Learn to understand and manage your emotions, don’t run form them, cut them off, or ignore them.
There was a giant shift, I think around 2017, where people closed themselves off and became stone cold people that didn’t connect with anyone.
I needed this
I don't have feelings
I’ve been shamed for not wanting to participate in hookup culture... some people completely disregard that some fall in different points of the sexual/romantic spectrum. I am one of those people who needs to have a deep personal and romantic bond with someone to have sex with them or even kiss them- because, to me, it’s directly linked to my feelings and to “making love”. I personally don’t care if others like to have casual sex even if I don’t understand how you could do it. I think it’s important to respect where other people fall in that spectrum and to not generalise or believe one thing or the other should be the norm. Some people just like to experiment and I think that, if you want to and you enjoy it, then conservative social norms shouldn’t be a hindrance (except for consent... consent and safety should always be the norm).
Just don’t impose your personal beliefs above others and don’t shame them for wanting to live their lives in their own way.
Great video (watched at 1.5 speed because I should be working but I couldn’t ignore the notification lol).
Michelle Tejeida I’ve tried forcing myself into casual dating one summer, convincing myself i was being so fun and free and a feminist. I ended up always having feelings and wanting more. Casual hook ups are not for everyone! Just the thought of having sex with someone I just met gives me anxiety. I blame Hollywood for all those “Sex and the City” vibe tv shows and movies that teach you sex is the beginning of a relationship and not a way deeper level of intimacy (for some people)
I 100% agree with you on this one👍
I feel almost grossed out by casual sex, because I feel like I’m objectifying someone else and I don’t like that
I'm exactly the same as you -- I need to have an emotional connection to the person to even be interested in intimacy. Physical intimacy without feelings doesn't exist for me at all... For example, some people can see an attractive person and immediately be interested in getting in bed with them, but the most I'll think - is acknowledge their fortunate genetics and move on with my day lol. Maybe lame? But that's just how I've always been.
Do you identify as demisexual then?
It’s so awkward when people talk about their hook ups / one night stands and automatically assume that i can relate.
“...You know what I’m talking about right?” No sis.. I don’t.. sorry 😐
Lol, imagine being able to get hook-ups. Coming from a guy, I think the only reason many of us want them, is because we can't get any.
@@Harsh-mg2em hold out for a modest and humble girl man if you can find one these days.
Hahaha indeed I had the same experience 👏🏽 people here are amazing in the comments including you 😃
This generation has a lot of experience in sex. But almost zero experience in love. We are the most connected generation in history yet we are also the loneliest. Most of us need and want human connection, but I think we’ve lost the what authentic connection is and we have replaced it with vague and shallow experiences.
When I was younger (18-22) I used to obsess over the idea of “I’m missing out on a fun and free life” my boyfriend and I got together right after graduating high school and I literally couldn’t ask for better partner. But media ingrained in me these doubts. This idea that your 20’s are the best part of your life and that I could be having so much f u n. I’m happy my relationship survived this part of my life.
How did you stop having this thoughts pattern? I am in the same situation and can't stop thinking about it :/
inspired by0816 this phase of mine lasted for YEARS, 18-22 that’s 4 yrs. I guess the best advice would be to learn the difference between what you’re really feeling and what the media is influencing you to feel. Take a good look at your relationship, does this person make you genuinely happy? Or is it just convenient? Are you settling? And then also take a good look at the “fun life” in question, are you really prepared to sleep alone, or go on dates, or just be single period. Also, STDs, those are scary lol
inspired by0816 also, I was able to talk to my partner about this. Maybe try talking to yours. They may feel similar and y’all can come to a conclusion together. (Ours was to go out more so we don’t feel like we’re missing out on life)
@@ashleyeverything588 omg we're the same! Except I was between ages 19-22 was when I wanted to hook up and have fun and just be young but I wasn't gonna have sex until I likes somebody enough and it was mutual, of course. I met a guy on the boardwalk, we had an instant connection to then finding out how close we lived near each other. Like what a coincidence lol.. we became official, lost my virginity to him, and I never looked back. The hook up culture didn't phase me anymore. It didn't matter anymore. I knew what I have with him was much more meaningful than sleeping around, getting my heart broken repeatedly.
@@Faery_Witch422 yessss that’s awesome girl 👏🏾
For me, hooking up is toxic. I’ve tried it and it makes me feel so empty. Im the type of person that needs a connection with people both in friendships and relationships so hookups are so unfulfilling and damaging to the part of me that wants something consistent and committed. I also feel like the way that I look (non-white, big boobs, etc) contributes because I get the feeling that guys only see me as a fetish, which sucks when I feel like I have so much to give. Ive had experiences where I’ve been told (through both words and actions) that I’m not wifeable because I’m not white.
You are beautiful and wonderful as u are. Dont let them put u down !
I'm so sorry to see that. You deserve ALL the love, and I'm sure there are many people out there who will want and deserve you as a whole❤️
Ive noticed everyone in this reply thread is either giving you bad advice, or just virtue signaling to make you feel better. Both of which won’t help you. it’s not about your race. Your ability to be “wife material” isn’t dictated by your skin competition. Most normal, high value men that aren’t literal racist, will find you attractive, so long as you act/look feminine, and are not morbidly obese.
So 2 things
Be feminine
Stay healthy
And if you’re still in your 20s, that’s a plus. You gotta remember that men *aren’t* like women. Men are simple creatures, and don’t demand very much other than those things I’ve listed above.
@@DoomsdayHustle You know nothing about what its like to be a woman period white or non white. As you said yourself, youre a man, so please stay in your lane. youre out of your depth with your entire comment. Youre also gaslighting her on her own firsthand experiences, which is invalid on your part. Stop trying to break up a supportive environment for women of color. the only person whose doing more harm than good here is you.
elle ofhearts You’ve disputed absolutely nothing I’ve said. “u A mAn” isn’t an argument sweet heart, try again.
I really have the feeling it’s also “bad” to be still a virgin at an older age. Like people keep asking things like: but don’t you wanna know how sex feels like?
Yes of course I wanna know but I am not gonna have sex with someone who is just a friend or a random person 🤦♀️
Call me old fashioned but I wanna “give” my body to someone I love
Happy Rainbow good for you!! I feel like there is often a lot of pressure at a younger age, but actually I really think you will be so happy in the end you waited for the right person.... and that person will feel so special that you waited for them! I have seen some videos of women in their 30s who are still virgins, and I think that if they are happy & comfortable with that choice then that is so great! The only thing I have sort of questioned is something I've seen in a couple of videos of Christian women who are not having sex for religious reasons, and they seem to kind of be really obsessed with sex & they are having to "distract" themselves all the time because they see it as a sin, even if they are with a partner that they love.. to me that seems a little unhealthy & probably if they did just have sex they would realise it's not such a big deal & they could stop thinking about it all the time... but then again each to their own!
Su Si oh yes yes but I don’t mean it in a religious way (I totally understand you and that that is really unhealthy). People should do whatever they want to do if they feel good about it but as soon as someone feels pressured in any way, than I think you should just wait and not listening to the ones who pressure you (I am so sorry for my English!) but thank your for replying 💕
Happy Rainbow yes I really agree with you!! Having sex because you've been pressured into it is the worst feeling ever and for that to be the first time I think would be awful! Unfortunately that is the case for a lot of people and especially when people lose their virginity as young teenagers so I think that you choosing to wait is such an empowering decision and I hope you never feel pressured by anyone to do things you aren't comfortable with ☺️
It is old fashioned. But being old fashioned isnt a bad thing at all.
Im sorry, but sex is "nice" at best with someone you dont know. MOST one night stands get forgotten completely.
Fuck the people that pressure you to just HAVE sex. They dont understand the risks involved for women nor do they care.
It’s so hard to have a “friends with benefits” situation (anything where you’re regularly hooking up with the same person) without catching feelings. That whole part of hookup culture now is so unrealistic like biologically (probably not the right word) your mind forms a deep trust with someone that you have sex with and forms feelings but the problem is those feelings often go away as soon as you stop interacting with that person in the same ways
I 100% agree with you. I think that this kind of dynamic leads to a confusing state of mind where you’re feeling emotionally bond with that person but in reality you are not in his/her life and you shouldn’t want to be in it because of the preconditions of that intercourse.
Sounds like pair bonding, which having multiple sexual partners cripples severely even after the first time. Hooking up isn't natural, millennia of evolution wont be tossed aside using birth control.
Yeah, I don't have anything against casual hookups, but friends with benefits never made sense to me. Like typically when you're looking for a friend, you're looking for someone who has a personality you like. And when you're looking for a hookup or someone to have sex with you're looking for someone you're physically attracted to. And when you're looking for a romantic partner, you're looking for someone who you're physically attracted to but also has a personality you like. So if you're already friends with someone, and you both find each other physically attractive enough to have sex with, why keep it casual? I guess that's kind of generalizing, but still.
@@bethanymclean2136 im in a fwb relationship and for me its like, we both vibe well together and we like having sex with each other. and we're pretty emotionally intimate too. but neither of us wants to date because of reasons i wont get into. but being in a relationship with him would be a whole nother level of intimacy that neither of us wants. personally i dont want to date him or anyone cuz im happy with what i have rn. thats just my experience
@@bethanymclean2136 Exactly. It makes no sense really. Putting a name on the situation doesn't automatically make it good.
Talking with family members who were a part of the "free love" movement, a lot of the women said they felt the same pressure that you described here. They felt pressured to hook-up because that was what everyone else was doing. Not a lot has changed from what I can see.
That's kind of the problem, there's no true sexual liberation possible if we haven't reached gender equality kor at least have found it between the people you surround yourself with)
I also think we need to talk about how the lack of sexual education in (some) schools in America play into this as well. Not just with hookups but with relationships.
lexi smith exactly sex education is very important there is this musical called Spring Awakening that portrays how harmful lack of sex education can be.
where i’ve grown up we’ve always had very thorough sex education but i guess that’s not how it is everywhere. it varies drastically across the country
marsh k lol I haven’t I still know nothing
Exactly hope these people are using contraception or we'll get more baby boomers which is the last thing we need
As a Scandinavian I’m often very surprised when I hear many people from the States discuss sex. Here it’s a much more open conversation (so it removed the stigma), and it starts from an early age in the homes at around 6-8 years old, I shared that with some friends from NYC who came to visit Scandinavia and they found it awkward to discuss bodily functions and sex with their parents. But informing your child about the human body and the importance of boundaries, consent etc is so important. And to make your kid/s aware of how they take care of their body. Here girls don’t have issues asking their dad to buy sanitary products because it’s viewed as a normal and healthy thing most females go through. Parents teach their kids so many things to prepare them for the future so why not include physical health too etc?! Here it’s obligatory to visit a gyno. (Not have an exam but visit and learn where to call and what to expect from a booked appointment, and have a conversation with your class at 13 so teens know where to go if they have things on their mind or need an exam or contraceptives, and lgbt+ heslth is included because they are aware it’s a few students in every class etc). I think that’s better than teens feeling too afraid to book a gyno. appointment or mention to their parent/s they’re sexually active, and potentially end up pregnant and have to deal with everything that comes with pregnancy, raising a child, adoption etc, or abortion. Those are things no teens should have to deal with and the off idea teens don’t have in general a sexual urge is just dumb it’s better to teach then how to be responsible. I don’t have kids but if I did I wouldn’t want them to feel lonely and worry about if they are healthy or if they could talk to me about their feelings and concerns. But obviously not detailed but educate in a general way just like you help them with school, troubles with friends etc. the thought of sending a teen out i society without any knowledge or too little knowledge is way more scary. A friend of a friend’s sister who lives in NYC contracted HIV at 15 because both her and her then boyfriend were too afraid to buy condoms and too afraid to go check themselves so it didn’t come out until they started getting sick. I mean it’s just not worth the risk and had someone helped them and prepared them before they started being sexually active it could have been prevented.
i have started calling so many people "my dude"
this fits in with our capitalist “get things quick and easy” mindset. fast food, fast shipping, and now fast intimacy. for me it’s sad but it’s different for everybody
"fast intimacy" is not anything new under capitalism lmao
I agree
Capitalism is inherently hedonistic. It's whole thing is to maximize profits, and hedonism does that remarkably well. To fix these problems, we have to either fix or abandon capitalism
Spot onn , however I'm not taking either side cause both have pros and cons
Male here, I was 26 when I lost my virginity. I grew up in the south my whole life (in one of the most stereotypical Bible Belt states), and although I do not like a lot of things in southern culture and have been critical of the place I grew up (I identify as left politically, and I've been an atheist for about 10 years now), I will say that I am thankful that I grew up with more puritanical beliefs about sex. Two of my best friends waited until marriage to have sex with their now-wives, and they both have incredibly strong relationships with them. I feel like there is an element of sex that requires discipline and restraint to truly enjoy to its fullest, especially if love and a long-term relationship are the goals. I've had 2 girlfriends in my life; I lost my virginity to my second girlfriend. My first one had a very similar upbringing to me, and although we never physically bonded beyond cuddling and sleeping in the same bed as each other, that relationship was very strong because what we valued each other on had nothing to do with a physical connection. Physical connection, I feel, would have just been icing on the cake.
I'm not saying that a relationship built with a physical connection can't be strong, it's just that, knowing what we know about pair-bonding from psychology, the physical fades, but the people remain in long-term relationships. And we were incredibly happy with each other without ever taking our clothes off (we broke up because of our difference in religious beliefs; we are still friends and still very much value each other). Contrast this experience with my second girlfriend, who I lost my virginity to. She was very sexually experienced, and I never held that against her, but looking back on it, sex was VERY important to her. I felt pressured to finally have sex with her about 3 months into our relationship (1 month after we officially started dating, we spent a lot of time together for 2 months prior). And near the tail-end of our relationship, sex felt more and more like it was the only thing keeping us together. The last few days before our relationship, the sex felt... meaningless. There was nothing in it for me, or her, and we both knew it. Despite going all the way with this girl, it never felt quite like that first relationship did. It may be cruel to compare the two experiences, but isn't that precisely why the second relationship should have ended in the first place? Why stay with someone if you're not as happy as you know you can be?
That's what bothers me most about how people react when they find out an attractive woman or man was recently broken up with by their ex-significant other. "Why would he/she ever break up with you?" is incredibly devaluing of the substance of what makes a relationship special. Culturally now more than ever, we seem to be very much focused on the short-term, instant gratification of a relationship. We're so focused on trying to flex on our exes by upgrading that we forget we are always dealing with real people with real problems and experiences beyond our own comprehension. Who cares if other people see your new boyfriend / girlfriend as a "downgrade" if they make you happier than you've ever been in a relationship before? Devaluing someone to just an accessory that makes you more attractive by proxy is where I see the most damage with the current dating / hook-up culture.
Well said. Thanks for sharing.
I really liked hearing this topic from your perspective
So I didn't read everything you wrote because I'm lazy (it's late) but as a Christian I can say I am thankful my upbringing didn't pressure me to have sex as soon as possible. My parents never told me directly "you cannot have sex until marriage or you're ruined" but it was definitely not a hyper-sexualized environment so I never felt pressured about it. Some of my teenage classmates would talk about sex sometimes but my real circle of friends weren't like that tbh so I never felt pressured on that side either. I also never really felt a strong interest in sex, I had the occasional crush on a guy but it was never about wanting to have sex, I liked them because something about their personality was appealing to me.
I'm 21 now and still not crazy about sex, I'm kinda convinced I'm asexual because I really don't feel sexual attraction, it's always personality traits I'm attracted to. But anyway, what I'm getting at here is that non hyper-sexualized surroundings can be very healthy beyond being "religious" or not. Some people really don't have much of an interest in sex and it's great not to feel pressured to do something you don't really want to do. I think that even people that are more interested in sex shouldn't be pressured to start "as soon as possible" or do it "as much as you can because YOLO" because that can easily make people feel bad about themselves and lead to a lot of regret or in the worst case young people may be taken advantage of.
Tbh I won't tell people who are into hookup culture what to do with their bodies and their life because if they don't share the same views that I do IDK why I would want to give unsolicited opinion. However, I do think a less sexualized environment for young kids and teens can be more beneficial than a hyper-sexualized one.
Nice
I completely agree with you ❤❤❤
Hookup culture: "Applies to everyone"
Asexuals: you hold no power here
@@trinity4827 What's that? Sorry, I'm just curious.
@@trinity4827 Yeah, I understand. Thank you so much for taking the time to explain it to me.
@@carolinemm9478 it's under the Umbrella of Asexuality.
Asexuals, Grey-Sexuals, Demisexuals....
@Okay I'm fine no....abstinence is a choice made by the person to abstain from sex before marriage...but they very well might have sexual attraction for this person....or may choice to abstain from sex until an emotional thresh hold is passed...
a demisexual needs that emotional thresh hold passed for the attraction to even take place...
And any people who simply don't want to have sex outside of a loving relationship... I shouldn't need a label for that.
I'm 21 and im a virgin, not because i didn't wanna have sex or anything. Just because i never felt comfortable or intimate with a stranger to have a hook up. There was a time when i was 18 all my friends were having one night stands and i was desperate to loose my virginity, i almost did it with a guy i had met at a club. But i changed my mind cause i knew I wouldn’t have liked it or enjoyed it.
I'm truly glad I didn’t do it cause I realised that I was feeling pressured by the hookup culture to just get it over it so i could be a part of it. I realised the best for me is to wait to be in a relationship were i feel confortable with my partner.
Love your videos, they are always really interesting and well researched.
You sound like my sister. She’s only 18 but has the same views and has decided nah not gonna be pressured into doing something just because everyone else is.
I was different and desperate to fit in and make people like me... and the easiest way to do that was to do sexual stuff for guys... but it didn’t last obviously and then I’d be a ‘slut’ and not respected. It was confusing and I still place a lot of my value as a person on how much/how well I please my partner sexually. It’s unhealthy and I really dislike the way sex is viewed as something casual and something you NEED to be doing etc now, and how if you haven’t been with many people you’re either made fun of OR fetishised because it’s ‘rare’. The same men who want girls who are ‘easy’ (ugh) are the same who will then complain that an inexperienced innocent girl is hard to find. Yuck.
I'm 21 and haven't had sexual intercourse. I personally think we should just abolish the word "virgin." I hate the label. The whole concept of virginity is pretty dated and is a social construct. There are people who are asexual and aromantic who don't get any attention at all
im 19 and also still a virgin. ive been in that situation too and i am so glad i didnt give into the pressure
@@AJ-cq5pw Same, I agree. And it makes people who haven't had sex seem prudish. I haven't had sex out of my own choice, not to satisfy the wants of a religion or another man. I am not asexual, but I also don't have as high a sexual drive as others. I can't physically do things with people unless I am really attracted to them on a physical, emotional, and personal level. I also hate when people tell me I'm sexually repressed; I'm not. Just because I'm older and haven't had sex doesn't mean I'm repressed. If I truly was, btw, I would have gone wild in college, but I didn't. I'm happy how I am and will never force my body to do something it doesn't want to.
Good for you. The only people puahing you to sleep around are the jealous ones that already destroyed themselves. Misery loves company. Sadly, many "friends" would rather you share in their misery than warn you of their mistake.
The science is out. The more partners a woman has the more her ability to pair bond is destroyed. Most girls now a days have almost zero chance of a successful marriage by the time they hit 25. They will NEVER be able to bond to a man and will spend the rest of their lives complaining about men not being good enough.
I find hookup culture extemely selfish and unempathetic. People say it's about not having responsabilities that a relationship usually has, but I see them often using this as an excuse to only see people as products that you can use and discard, not caring and considering that there is a human being with feelings and a history there. Not being in a relationship doesn't allow you to treat people as sex toys, you know...
It seems like a lot of this stems from male entitlement. The men that do this are "if you cant handle me at my worst" types.
Like many men cant even touch themselves unless they see a woman performing for them. They find it better to masturbate into a woman than their own hand because they're jaded divas who don't see women as people. The selfishness and entitlement needs to stop.
Spitting facts
Not everyone who engages in hookup culture is dehumanising and indifferent to someone's feelings.. That's why there must be communication and consent! I'm not into hookup culture nor prudent culture or whatever is that called
It sounds like you pick shitty partners and don't make it clear that you want a relationship. Someone not wanting to see you again isn't you being treated like a sex object
I've had a random hookup just once. It left me feeling disgusted with myself, and I'd never do it again.
I got married just before my 23rd birthday. I don't think people judged me too much for getting married when I did. I think most people would say my husband and I were perfect for each other and everything turned out the right way. People say getting married young is "leaving the party early". I'm an introvert, so I typically leave parties early, but I guess I left the party... with someone I love, and I'd make the same decision again.
My husband is actually the only guy I seriously dated. I tried hookups before I met him, but they weren't for me. I'm not religious or anything, in fact, I'm an atheist. I am just a picky, reserved person who takes relationships seriously. If other people want to live their lives differently, that's their choice.
Great video!
Savannah Dunlap I’m 24 and couldn’t see myself getting married any time soon but like... if other people have happy and healthy relationships then why should I (or anyone else) judge?
I do have some friends that rushed into marriage because they were “so in love” and then ended up hating their partner because they weren’t ready (especially with a short engagement) but as long as that doesn’t happen there is nothing wrong with getting married young!
I’m the same way- not religious, just picky and not comfortable at all or have the desire to hook up. Gives me tons of anxiety. Takes a lot of time to get really comfortable with someone.
Me too Im 21 & got married after realizing all this shit is exhausting
i'd rather leave the party early and with someone I love than stay until the party's over and leave with whoever's left
@@HappyH4ppyHappy nothing is wrong with you. As a woman people will always nag you about that. I'm in a long term relationship and I get pestered about not being married or popping out kids despite me repeatedly saying I'm not interested in either. It seems to never end 🤷♀️
I think in terms of historical contingency , my history teacher put it best: "whenever things are right on the edge of hopeless, like the roaring twenties before the great depression, people just want to get drunk and have sex, and enjoy their lives before everything goes to shit"
This may be my favourite comment. Thanks for sharing!
Your teacher got it the wrong way: it's because people had it hard during the WWI that they wanted to party afterwards...
People didn’t know the depression was gonna happen lmao
EliT ..... mental health issues are on the rise and all people do is argue online and tear each other down.... plus pedophilia ave human trafficking is rampant and if you were to experience “woke” TH-cam videos, you’d realize shit is a lot deeper than we all see/think.
Delphine Tourdot That but the teacher has a legitimate point... I mean after the 70s was the crack epidemic, AIDS epidemic, etc. It could just be a coincidence but idk.
Tw: sexual abuse
I'm a victim of being sexually abused in my early years. I'm about to turn 23 and I'm finally now dealing with repressed feelings I've had because of the trauma I went through as a kid. This video and a lot of these comments gave me reassurance that it's ok that I'm not this magical sexual being. It's completely fine if you have a lot of sex, but it's also ok if you don't have sex. Thank you for this validation.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. Stay strong ❤️
Aweeee. I'm sorry to hear that sweetie 🥺 I hope that you're doing much better now. I'm just a stranger who wishes you the best!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yeah no its not ok to have lots of sex if you aren't married. There is a spiritual aspect to sex and even porn. I would have terrible dreams and saw a demon. Be assured this is the harvest time of souls. Put your trust in Christ and flee sin like its terminal disease. You will struggle but you must learn to hate sin. Hollywood worships Horus or Apollyon the destroyer of the Bible.
I'm sorry you ever were abused. May you be healed and comforted.
as a gay man, yeah hookup culture just seems to be a major part of gay culture.
I'm the old chick in this room. I'll say this... hookup culture's greatest harm is that once you separate sex from love to avoid getting hurt, it becomes almost impossible to make the two meet again. 🤷🏾♀️ plus it creates a new, better, next! mentality that makes it more difficult to connect with one person. #pushing40
Audra Rowdygirl some of us don’t want to be in relationships, some of don’t crave that intimacy, I personally would rather be shot by a firing squad than be in a relationship. Marriage and whatnot isn’t for everyone.
@@phil6748 I'm not a relationship person either, but I will say that it has made it harder for me to connect with someone, even in the realm of not being in a relationship. I've mistakenly done the marriage thing and it's definitely not for me... but for those that want it some day... it's merely a caution for them.
That's the tool of Satan. Desensitizing and making the abnormal dominate what is normal. Just like violent video games can have a damaging effect on the psyche and can contribute to Violent acting out of the person who's addicted to these type of video games because they are conditioning their mind to separate reality from fantasy and choke slamming someone who are getting on your nerves is 10 times easier to impulsively do. Anyway that's another topic but yeah, the breakdown of the family unit and pursuing pleasure has Satan written all over it.
Beraud she isn’t a relationship person meaning she doesn’t want the emotional attachment of being with someone. That doesn’t mean she cannot have sexual desires. Those are two different things.
Miss Tonya c007 you religious people are seriously messed up
I’m not sure how I stumbled upon this video, and at 47, I’m sure I’m the oldest one here. I’ve never hooked up with anyone before. I’ve been with my husband for 29 years, married over 25. My husband is my soul mate, best friend, companion, the person I can’t live without. Our sexuality is only a portion of our lives, but something that is so special, which we only share with one another. It is such a safe and vulnerable and life affirming place. Just thought I’d offer a different perspective, and hope it is meaningful to someone.
Wow. That is exactly the type of life I want to have. I am waiting until marriage for sex but it's really rare to find a guy who shares same opinion as me.
Can a place be both safe AND vulnerable?
What the opposite of safe isn’t vulnerable, maybe dangerous. Any sexual relationship would be vulnerable because you open yourself up to another person with the risk of that person causing you pain or heartache. I think it’s beautiful that this woman can feel so safe and be so vulnerable with her husband.
This was so beautiful to read and gives me hope, wishing you and your husband all the best!!
@@sarahl3721 With the right person, I would say, absolutely. 😊
I feel like the whole “you need to experience life thing” is kind of irrelevant. There is still SO much life to experience with a long term significant other. And you also can experience so many amazing things being completely single. Hooking up isn’t the only part of life and I think sometimes people forget that. For me personally that’s just not where I put my priorities. I’d prefer experiencing new types of people and places, trying amazing food, and having fun experiences with with close friends. I guess that may just be me but I feel like hook up culture or just being with one person aren’t the only options. And I feel like being single can be so fulfilling for some people and that is completely over looked. I mean my friends are constantly trying to set me up with people and honestly I kind of think it’s a waste of time. I am more of a date to marry type person and I’m no where near marriage right now so that’s another huge factor on why I don’t really care for dating and would rather just prioritize getting to a successful place in life.
It's so weird how things are reversed with pressure to sleep with someone now. I actually had a friend say that if I don't sleep with him soon, he'll leave. We'll be on date 4 this weekend. Wtf? I'm not a prude, but damn he can't wait a month or 2 of getting to know each other before hopping into bed? It's that bad? I'm looking for a life partner & I need an emotional/mental connection first, then I can get physical.
Same here. I remember once I was talking to a guy.. didn't really know him but thought he was cute until I got to know him and his whole personality just wasn't for me.
He found out through people that I was a virgin. My friend over heard him and his buddies talking about it bc he was at her house hanging out with her cousins. Well he told his friends that I wasn't going to be a virgin for long. Then when he finally approached me about it he then tells me how he was only gonna wait for 2 months for me to finally give it up 😂😂 in return the very next day I dump him. Until I'm ready I refuse to let anyone pressure me on what I'm gonna do with my body.
@@Faery_Witch422 Well done! What a bunch of immature idiots. I'm glad you didn't give in to the pressure.
@@hgzmatt awe thank you! Yeah, this took place back in Summer of 2013. It was such a long time ago lol. After I ended our week relationship, he was really mad. He flipped. But he eventually apologized almost 2 years later when he ran into me at my job. He asked for my # afterwards and I told him I had a boyfriend of 8 months.. he walked away after that lmao. Been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years now. He is my first and only. Thank you! 💕💞 Good luck to everything.
@@Faery_Witch422 I'm glad he apologized at least. I'm still hoping for that to happen with my ex. She has caused me so much pain but went on ignoring me instead. It has only been a year however. All the best to you as well!
@@hgzmatt I'm sorry for what you've been through! And trust me I've visualized the worse for my enemy's. Sometimes I still do when a memory triggers me in some way again, but the best revenge is to just move forward and never let anyone have that kind of power over your emotions or life again. When you do, they win. Match the same energy as your ex. She already proved to you that she wasn't worth it. Keep her gone, bc you can do better. Wish her well from afar anyways bc if you were to run into her and still act effected over the break up, she wins. When you don't care and you're happy for her, you win. Bc she has no effect over you anymore. Take care. One day you'll find a good woman.
For a long time I felt that I missed out on a lot, since I didn’t date in high school and never hooked up. I just turned 22, and lost my virginity a few weeks ago to my long term boyfriend. I wasn’t celibate nor actively trying to retain my virginity, whenever it happened it would happen. But I’m glad I waited.
I no longer feel that I’ve missed opportunities, more that those choices then led to the choice I made now. Which I’m very happy with, and wouldn’t change. Hookup culture is fine in the sense of sexual liberation, but it leads to some feeling pressured to ‘experience’ things when they’re not ready. I felt that too. Great video! ☺️
I am in completely the same situation, I had massive issues around intimacy because of things I saw happen to my friends when I was younger, but at the same time felt embarrassed and like I was missing out for not getting myself in the same messes.
I'm so glad I waited till I found someone who loves me and actually respects my body to discover that side of myself with.
Props to you! I made the mistake to give in to my boyfriend at 17, I wasn't really ready for it but he kinda threatened to break up with me if it wouldn't happen soon... That really left a deep mark inside me and it spoiled the relationships I had afterwards (luckily not to badly, but there's still a lot I have to work through now).
There's absolutely nothing wrong with waiting. "Loosing your virginity" is such a stupid phrase anyway. You're gaining something when you start to have sex, you're not loosing anything :D
I waited until i was 24. I don't regret it.
cheyenne you inspire me. I wish i had waited
Same here! I’m 22 & I lost my virginity with my current boyfriend at age 21. I did date throughout high school and afterwards and even had 1-2 year relationships but never really felt like that was a step I wanted to take. I got to a point after my last relationship though where I caught myself thinking “I wish I would’ve just had sex with him so that everyone didn’t view me as so weird and guys weren’t so disinterested in me after learning I’m still a virgin”, which is just RIDICULOUS. I really did feel so pressured and embarrassed so many times throughout life, especially since I graduated at 16 so everyone was 2 years older than me and moving so much faster. I think that’s the only issue I have with hookup culture.
As a gay man in college, I feel a lot of what you said about hookup culture in the LGBT+ community is accurate, but I feel the reasons as to why gay men are more active in hookup culture is a bit deeper. Naturally, in the society we live in, gay men and women don't have the same opportunities to pursue relationships (both romantic and sexual) as straight people have. We have to resort to more discreet spaces made specifically for us to be able to get that kind of contact (cruising spots, chatrooms, gay clubs/bars, hookup/dating apps).
One reason why the gay community uses hookup culture more may be because a lot of gay men don't get to experience or explore their sexuality in high school or sometimes college. As a result, gay men tend to feel they've missed out or need to catch up, and they do this by overcompensating sexual activity, which if done wrecklessly can be very unhealthy. Personally, I'm a sophomore in college and I harbor those same feelings. I'm still a virgin, but I've used apps like Grindr and have had a plethora of opportunities in college to have sex. I don't think I'm missing out because I need a romantic intimacy and I'm comfortable waiting for the right person, but many gay men I've talked to are the opposite in that regard.
Secondly, which I think is a stronger explanation, is that because society has put pressure on gay men to not be in gay relationships, and being public in a gay relationship often meant social ostracization or violence, hooking up has been a "safer" and less involving alternative. Hooking up in a discreet setting allows gay men to express their sexuality and/or intimate feelings without the risks placed on by society. "Hookup culture" has been around in the gay community a lot longer than in society in general in my opinion because of this. Before Grindr and Scruff, there were gay chatrooms and omegle, and before that there where gay clubs and bars, and even before that, there were cruising spots where gay men would often go to hookup. This definitely runs deeper, and you can really get into gender social theory like heteronormativity, masculinity hierarchies, and toxic masculinity, but simply it's the lack of socialization.
Lastly, men be horny lmao.
Thank you for coming to my ted talk
Dont give up your opinions, morals and way of seeing relationships and wanting connection with someone and not being part of hookup culture. Dont give up.
*applauds unsarcastically*
👏👏👏
Lukas Makes sense
Amazing TED talk 👏🏽👏🏽😄
I prefer the emotional, old fashioned, fairytale kind of relationships but I know that people my age (18) are more into hookup culture so I decided to work on myself and the life that I want before I find someone that I want to settle down with. Tbh, I sometimes question my approach and wonder if anyone actually wants the same thing as me but I'm trying to stay hopeful. Its just difficult when all anyone talks about is their latest casual hookups and not anything I can actually relate to. In the comments, just tell me, do you think that I'm doing the right thing? Should I get myself into a relationship and just let myself get hurt? Idk... pros and cons in the comments
I also prefer those kinds of emotional, 'fairytale' relationships. But I found myself so desperate to be in one that finding a partner I genuinely like (and am compatible with) became secondary to the idea of being in a relationship itself. And i realised that desperation came from a fear of missing out (on meeting people, becoming sexually experiencesd, figuring out what and who i like/dislike). So even though I prefer emotional relationships, I'm starting to participate in hookup culture because I want to take the time to find someone deserving of my time and faith (instead of just being desperate), while still exploring my sexual identity through casual interactions.
Hopefully that made sense. I just thought I'd share because we're kinda in the same boat.
it's just a bad idea though to do things because you feel pressured to. Just stay true to yourself and look after yourself first I guess
@@morganb4381 Sexual identity? That's just BS if you ask me. Finding the right person doesn't require you to sleep with everyone. There a lot of things you learn through life experience that have a much larger impact.
This gives me hope. I'm 19 and want the same exact thing, and I also question whether there's even any teens out there who have the same goals 😂
@@morganb4381 that's a bit similar to me tbh. However I gave up on the hookup culture. I realized I can't have a hookup and not catch feelings. Instead I made my focus on how I can stay single and feel happy about it. Logically ik that my desire to be in a relationship is peer pressure, fomo, and hormones who are in desperate need of reminding me that my body can create a baby (which shall never happen, ew). But the hormones can influence my emotions so much that sometimes I'll have very lonely nights. And I think this is very common for those who are around their twenties or in their twenties, because that's when our hormones tend to be the strongest really and function properly. So I have to basically fight my bloody natural system during these lonely days because ik that the idea of a relationship doesn't equal an actual fullfilling relationship irl
I can't even count how many times I was shamed for being virgin, until I lost my virginity at 25. I've waited for the right person and had wonderful experience. We're not together anymore, but I never regretted doing it with him, even a bit.
This feels very similar to the drinking culture in college. I know it's not really "internet analysis" but I'd love to see a video on drinking and greek life in college!
Oh please! I would love this so much! I specifically chose a college with almost no Greek life but it's still a struggle when you're someone who isn't into recreational drugs
I would love to see this!
What greek life means? I see it on the coments but only thing i can imagine is Greece and Greek people LOL
@@dlalalabu5956 (social) fraternity and sorority life in North America cause they use Greek letters to name their organizations
@@royakonopka7072 oh thx
can't wait for you to blow up alot of bigger youtubers dont talk about the thing that need to be talked about i can watch your vids all day
FuckYouGoogle they should talk about the help the planet need such as world hunger etc
FuckYouGoogle by just making people aware
I'm 23 years old and I'm happy to be a virgin. Honestly- the hook up culture is not my cup of tea. I know I may not be the skinniest or prettiest girl, but I love myself too much to just plainly give myself away to strangers. I want love, not just sex. Sex is so different when you do it with someone you love and loves you back in comparison to someone who just wants to use your body.
yes i agree!!!!!
I agree 👍💯
Agreed
As an ace person in high school, college, and through my late 20s surrounded by hookup culture I got treated like garbage. I'd get kicked out of dorm rooms a lot, told to leave parties really early, etc. I was basically treated like an overgrown grade schooler despite very much being an adult. That led to being on the receiving end of two really abusive relationships that required years of therapy. And now that I'm in my 30s I get treated just the same because I have no experience. It sucks.
I've never been with anyone, i don't mind dying a virgin.. i focus more on art and music and creating than anything else.. im Not religious i believe in god but not in a religious way, im not into hookup culture. I also don't get along with most people so i keep to my hermit self, i just want to be in nature and get a husky puppy.. hookup culture is not for everyone.
People have put me down for being a virgin because im 29.. you get use to it.. even a few doctors were trying to convince me to lose it to myself or get toys..i was like no thanks yo!
Can’t believe doctors tried to pressure you. That’s crazy disrespectful
Breanna Joseph I don’t go to the doctors for anything anymore..
Omg you described my perfect life!! I can relate to this so much. Society pressures us into having a partner or having sex, stop being a virgin but for me its seriously something I dont look up to, or a goal. If it comes, it will. But untik then I'll just live my life as best as possjble.
Weird times in society. I don’t know why for some it equates to accomplishment. I was called a virgin loser once but I earn five digit income and own a house I wonder if I’m a loser for that. I can literally go pay for high class hookers to lose my virginity but I believe in Jesus so that’s stopping me.
YES the "cool girl" trope- she's down for anything, she's chill, it's just sex.. and if she has complex or difficult feelings about her partner or the situation (made difficult because she's not supposed to feel!), or if she wants different circumstances, she's crazy or she's caught feelings and should stop overthinking and calm down. Also to the point of hook up culture allowing for everyone to have more sex- millennials actually have less sex that previous generations, so... clearly it's not working out that well. A major problem I had with hooking up was that break ups aren't really a thing. It makes it really easy to fall back into unhealthy patterns with someone because your relationship is in essence a casual friendship with sex as a side note that you don't really address because you gotta be chill.. so you push down any feelings of discontent and continue "hanging out"
I'm just glad I'm in a long term and happy relationship and currently don't have to deal with this goddamn bs, and have probably (hopefully!) aged out of it at this point.
yup, the "cool girl" trope, as i see it, a particularly manipulative form of misogyny that ,masquerades as something entirely different than what it truly is.
@@anonymouse5910 Misogyny?! Hilarious. Blame Feminism. Women control who they sleep with, Feminism has told women to enjoy sex with who they want when they want because it empowers them and that's OK.
Men have been the beneficiaries of women's addiction to Tinder and the attention and validation they receive from the multiple men they sleep with.
Don't blame men, blame the feminists.
@@rorynicholson8558 u bring up some interesting points Rory. And I wasn't blaming men. Not sure why u seem to think that I was.
@@rorynicholson8558 you re a red pill dude huh. Go back to forums
can we please end hookup culture now? i feel like most of us are sick of it and getting hurt constantly
I'm not participating and it's making me sick. I don't think it's getting better anytime soon.
Tbh people who want to hook up should hook up and those who don't want to should not. I don't like how things can these become trend
One of the things that really made me fall for my husband was he used the word "date" to ask me out and took time to really get to know me without expecting anything physical in return. I cannot count the number of times a guy asked me to hang out and he tried to make out. A date and hanging out are two completely different things!
i think my only issue with hook up culture is that it makes it makes dating harder as someone who has no interest in it, and needs an emotional connection before i sleep with someone. i feel like its hard to even get to that point because people immediately just jump to the 'wanna hook up?' talk.
Totally agree. By the time I get to know someone, they've already ghosted me because they figured out I didn't just want to have sex right away
My coworkers always treated me like a baby when I would tell them in confidence that I’m waiting until marriage-and I did! Really happy that I made that choice and that my husband did as well.
What’s funny is that one of my coworkers kept sleeping with her ex and asked me what she should do because he still had feelings for her and wanted to be back in a relationship . I suggested to stop sleeping with him because it’s unfair to him.
Her response? “But I reaaally like having sex with him!!” She was still in college at the time, but I’m surprised she didn’t realize how selfish and immature that was.
Becky T lmao do we have the same friend 😂 literally been having to watch my friend go through this and it’s painful to watch
Im gonna remember that next time a woman says us men are the ones who "emotionally abuse" women, and not the other way around.
You girls are just a guilty of fucking with our emotions lol i aint hatin, just spreadin the knowledge 🤣
It's not selfish you're yust too old fashioned
@@RobertEdwinHouse9
It kind of is selfish, she's leading him on when all she wants from him is sex, nothing else.
Luke Skywalker
The sex was releasing hormones that strengthened her ex’s emotional attachment to her, making it so that he couldn’t move on. He may have wanted to have sex with her very badly, but she should have been mature and mercifully cut all sexual contact to give him a chance to heal.
Relationships are way better. Wait for someone who means something to you
Nah
@I like pancakes I don't need a relationship
@I like pancakes Nope
It’s a really personal choice though, to have a relationship or not have one. I also think we gotta stop acting like relationships are the end all be all, you can be totally happy without one.
I never said that you can’t be happy without a relationship
I'm recently married. And while dating, it was difficult to find men who wanted to go on traditional "dates". Young men want to phase the date out. They want to hangout at one your homes' and watch tv etc. They are rarely interested in getting to know you out in a coffee shop, museum, Happy Hour or dinner etc. The formality usually either doesn't interest them, intimidated them or they are simply uninterested in investing that much time into getting to know you prior to attempting to hook-up.... I feel sorry for my single freinds. My husband was a unicorn and a blessing 😊
Hookup culture is super, super prevalent at my school and just my area in general. (Btw I'm 18 years and a senior in a very small high school.) I've found it really harmful personally. I used to be kinda involved in it when I was like 16-17, but not anymore. my issue is I think that because the pillar of hookup culture is the lack of emotion, you become super in not compassionate towards the people you're hooking up with. I feel like having a lack of compassion is sexual setting is super dangerous because I think it makes it easy to escalate from hooking up to overstepping boundaries or blatant sexual assault... Personally, I can't participate in casual hookups anymore because of the trauma I now have associated with multiple situations like that. Sorry that was like kinda heavy but like idk its a complicated topic. I don't have anything against people that participate in hookups obviously, but I think that people aren't as careful of people's boundaries when the sexual relationship is casual. idk if that made any sense. I have a lot of feelings here clearly lol. Anyways, loved the video!
It does make sense! You made a really good point.
yeah this is an excellent point. I hope you're doing well despite your traumatic experiences.
Good for you! Everybody does dumb stuff but not everyone can wake up from the error of their ways and learn from it. Thank you for sharing so much :-)
Rachelle W I think you really missed her point.... no one is saying you are a future rapist, I gathered that she was just saying that there is more of a chance of things escalating to overstepping boundaries etc in a casual hookup, especially if you really have no feelings for that person, because you are maybe less likely to keep asking if they are okay with what you are doing and also if it is a one night thing you don't know them and their personal boundaries. Obviously that's just a generalisation and you can just as easily have casual hookups that respect all boundaries, and in the same way sexual assault can even happen in a couple that has been married for 10 years. So I wouldn't say it was a personal attack on people who enjoy casual hookups and of course not an accusation that you will go on to be a rapist, but merely just a sort of warning. Idk, just my interpretation, but I definitely resonated with the original comment
Proud of you!
I feel hook up culture is almost dehumanizing in a sense. You don't want a relationship or really even get to know the person that well, but you like them enough to be on the highest form of intimacy with them? I find it objectifying, and personally I could never do that. I'm in college now and in a committed relationship with my boyfriend and I absolutely love that. However there's girls I'm friends with that have no issue with hooking up, but to talk to them one on one it seems like it's a way for them to feel validated for a little bit of time, and it's really hard to watch someone you deeply care about feel like they're only worthy of a hook up and not love.
Lol so because of your feelings you look down and demonize those who have sex like a prude child. Good job
Though I think Mario mario's interpretation is valid, I kinda get what you mean. A friend of mine used to hook up all the time and I used to react like "you go girl! female empowerment wooooo!" but she kept coming back with stories of guys abusing her or slutshaming her after the fact and most of the time she wasn't having such a great time with them. Don't get me wrong, the abuse is solely those assh*les' fault but the point is she realized afterwards that she was doing it partly to keep up the facade of a cool, modern woman and because she needs men's approval to feel worthy. And because men like "chicks who can hang" she pretended to not have feeling when she did since it was the most dudebro thing to do.
I think you can have as many sexual partners as you want, as many romantic partners as you want, as many sexual practices as you want as long as everyone is safe, consents and that you are doing it because it makes you feel good and it's a good addition in your life. I see sex more as an activity than the highest form of intimacy and supporting our right as women to have a safe way of expressing our sexuality does not mean you have to give in peer pressure when it comes to your own boundaries.
@@Noway022 dont think anyone agrees that doing things solely out of pressure is ok. But shaming others for doing things that are perfectly fine is just dumb
@So K except she did by claiming it's some evil wrong thing you idiot
Dehumanising is the word I was looking for. You're exactly right 👍
As an asexual myself I found it totally GROSS. People always tell me why you are still virgin and not in a relationship? I said '' I'm waiting for the right person" and they laughed saying "there's a no right person" but I am a little backdated and have a genaration gap with my own genaration 😂
That's so true, it's like nobody in this generation believes in love anymore :")
I feel very lucky. Me and my second boyfriend were both virgins when we got together and we're Still together 4 years later. We're totally committed to each other and have never know sex with any other people. I absolutely adore that about us.
Oh and we were 24 when we got together, took us 8 months in to have sex for the first time. There was zero rush.
To make it short. The most important question to ask yourself about casual sex is; what do I feel, what do I want? Never do what others think you should do.
Oh. I've been in a relationship for almost 8 years now, and it's true that the stigma exists, mostly for my partner. A lot of his friends has tried to get him to rethink our relationship because "we were too young when we met, and he needs more experience", and by that, of course they mean to hook up with other girls.
There was a moment where we started getting problems due to this pressure he started to feel, because it actually made him wonder if they were right.
We talked about it. My opinion is that it's ok if someone wants to experiment first before committing into a relationship, but why is it so important to get everyone to experience their sexuality as you? Why do they assume he doesn't really know if he wants to be with me? It's been two years since then, he really does know, he's sure now. But more susceptible people could fall into that. My dad being one of them, who ended up cheating on my mom due to the pure pressure of his co-workers who thought he needed to try at least once (because my mom was his first partner, and the only one by that time).
I'm ok with how people live their sexualities, I just don't get why is so hard for them to mind their business. They want empowerment, they want to be free, but end up shaming people who doesn't live the way they do, just as other's would shame them for the same reason.
It's ironic, hypocritical, and what makes it problematic is their inability to mind their business, just that.
I love your comment! And congrats on your relationship btw. Hope it lasts!
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. He's my first, and only but bc of that many people have tried pressuring me, shaming me for just being with 1 man and explaining "how do you know he's the one if he's all you ever had?" Or "usually when theres a 1st there's usually a 2nd and a 3rd." Not saying there's anything wrong people who've had multiple partners but why judge people who haven't? Society likes to slut shame people, but if a person chooses to not participate in exposing their body for once then they're prudes, or boring. Even my boyfriend's now ex best friend tried to break us up back in 2016 bc he wanted a "wingman" so he can cheat on his baby momma smh. It's like nobody ever considers now how another person feels anymore, just as long as they get what they want out of it!
It’s because of challenge and insecurity. Since a virgin is the odd one out of a group of non-virgins, they see it as a challenge to get the virgin laid so they’ll be like the other non-virgins. It’s basically peer pressure. It’s also insecurity because some people regret having sex, so they pressure a virgin to have sex so they can trauma bond. It’s pretty weird how sex is viewed and treated.
I’ve been judged for not having sex with my husband before marriage. There is always going to be people who judge you no matter what you do. Stay safe, be careful, and have a great support group around you when your going into romantic relationships whether it’s for a hook up or long term. Glad to see this talked about!
Nooooo I have done it before!!!! Worst fucking choice of my life!!!!
Also when I rejected a guy for being friends with benefits he said "it's weird that you refuse although you have had substance abuse issues and depression (which is true)" as if WTF?! what does it even mean??? That I should lower my standards??!!
you know I support hookup culture in the sense that it removes the stigma around having sex with a lot of people but a problem with it is that it has trickled down to teenagers and that is not good at all. Hookup culture for teens is A LOT more risky because obviously teens are not sexually responsible or mentally prepared for that.
Aja Moore I agree!!! Idk if this is a controversial opinion but I don't think under 18 year olds should really be having sex, and definitely not casual sex.... maybe if they are in a long term relationship then 17 is okay but I just think anything under that is soooo young! We all think we're so mature as teenagers but really so much is already going on at that age, I just feel like sex is something that can and should wait until you are mentally & emotionally mature enough to really make those choices which unfortunately a lot of people will end up regretting later on. It's tricky though bcos at the end of the day everyone has to make their own decisions & I think it largely comes down to parenting & social/ peer group environment
@Matii Stiles that sounds awful. I'm not the most secure person but I'm grateful I have the internal validation to not try and seek it out from strangers. It's so easy for teenagers to be manipulated and taken advantage of. That, and it's so easy to catch a disease or accidentally fall pregnant. 😔
@@susi5586 i don't think teenagers exploring sexuality is a bad thing but it should be with people they know and trust i.e. bfs/gfs from school, who are their age, etc. and the normalisation of extreme kinky shit like anal, choking, etc. is disturbing and should never be a part of their initial introduction to sex.
Isn't any sex under 18 considered statutory rape, or is that just in California?
Hookup culture is awkward as a demisexual. I mean literally being unable to have sexual attraction without emotional intimacy pretty much makes hooking up virtually impossible. After my first long term relationship ended I tried casual dating and Tinder and it was my worst nightmare. I really appreciate the mention of ace people! Demi is leaning towards ace and I would definitely feel weird sometimes when friends would be talking about how hot some random guy was and I'm just like I mean yeah he looks subjectively attractive. But it's also kind of nice because I don't feel the need to be with someone sexually in between relationships so I'm content being single AND love being in a relationship,
Kelsey O'Brien
Girl, i feel you so much. I think a demisexual in today’s hook up culture is a straight up personification of the Socially Awkward Penguin meme. We want to date in order to get to know people better, so that we can find out, if we’re attracted to them on an emotional and mental level, but we don’t want casual sex, so we end up in that weird in-between space of being up for it, but not quite as quickly as a lot of people would want us to be. That can sometimes lead to people labelling us as prudes or leading people on etc. Honestly, I’m glad I’m not dating right now, cause it sounds like it can quite an arduous journey.
Anyhow - fist bump. 😊
Yeah i would rather stare into my partners face for hours i stead of having sex with him... sadly he is very fond of the "just hookup part" its sad because he is a great person
Demisexual..debunked.
Damn.. you literally said what I feel
In this hypersexualised world it's really hard to be demi. As you are searching for that connection with someone but very few are ready to go from a journey of platonic to romantic relationship and many don't simply "have the time."
Same as a demisexual/demiromantic....
It wouldn’t even cross my mind and yet I sometimes feel the pressure to go date/hook up whilts it’s something I don’t really care about nor find the right people to.
Here were I live Hookup culture us big BIG, people hook up or do very open relationships and it just boggles my mind
Hookup culture terrifies me. It's my hope to some day find someone i could build a life with, a family with. If i can't bond or build with someone, what's the point? But it seems rare these days when most people seem to be allways looking out for something better. Whether they have it or not. They are never sure and always move on.
For me I really just want to go on a nice date with no pressure. For some reason I sometimes feel like I’m expected to sleep with them or decide how I feel about them after one date and that’s what turns me off to the whole dating/hookup thing all together
This is off topic but girl your makeup looks extra snatched in this vid!💜💜
"Extra Snatched"? I looked it up, Is this is some way of complimenting stolen goods, like this person here is some kind of posessable puppet/persona? Slang always has some connotation to a order less chaotic world, mine doesn't. Interesting to find out ALL THE INFO about what I don't know that these comments somehow do, or are delusional about.
I wanna cry. Thank you for this. I thought I was alone in all this and so I'm glad i can read all these comments.
A lot of men now days are quick to judge me because I'm 24 and a virgin. Its come to a point that I'm legitimately SCARED to bring up sex. One guy couldn't comprehend the fact that, no, I'm not waiting for marriage or "the right guy" but also, no, I'm not into hooking up either. He told me that I'm really just prudish and don't know it yet. And this is the reason I cant seem to find a boyfriend either. I'm not one to get out much so dating apps are my prime source. It's hard trying to avoid the fact that I'm a virgin still so guys are IMMEDIATELY turned off. Maybe it's the guys in my area idk.
UnPoetic Well you need to keep in mind most guys ulterior motive is to have sex with you (if you’re on a date). So naturally you’re going to hear things that make more inclined to do this I.e. if you don’t have casual sex , you’re a prude. You believing this makes you more likely to have sex with the guy.
Just bare in mind the agenda of the person saying this to you before you take it to heart or take it seriously at all.
Finding someone isnt easy. We just fool ourselves into thinking it is because of the amount of "choice". But like you said, those men are mostly the same.....so what CHOICE is really there.
Men grow and change with age, location, and personal self growth too. You're never completely hopeless there, but at the same time you arent entitled to having your OWN man just because there ARE men in the world.
Ya still gotta get us to like ya 😘 and I agree, atrract us with something other than sex.
But insider advice....ya better give sex AFTER the attraction and commitment is there lol 🤣 otherwise, yea, we gonna leave yo ass.
Stay strong in your beliefs! Do not let people sway you in any way. I am a guy and I think just like you on this topic. Judging by the comment section, there are a lot of other people who think like us, also. In the end when you do get to experience it with the proper person, you will be so much more satisfied. Furthermore, the act itself will not matter. What matters is who you are sharing your intimacy and once in a lifetime life experiences with.
Matthew Morton thank you for being truthful! ❤️
Where do women get the idea that men judge women for being virgins? No your dumbasses think that and put it into your own heads.
the point about "sex positivity" just being another tool for men to get what they want actually really resonates. because like... yes, it's nice to feel like women can be sexual beings, but the sex positive movement didn't really stop there? you aren't hearing "women should be comfortable to hook up OR not hook up if they feel like it!" when people talk about sex positivity over the past decade, you hear AGGRESSIVE encouragement to go out and have sex, have kinky rough sex, and to loosen your sexual boundaries and be more accessible to other people. and that if you don't enjoy that kind of thing, it's a YOU problem and is TOTALLY GOOD for everyone else. kind of like the rise of makeup culture and corporate feminism, it just... rings hollow. like, who is ACTUALLY benefiting from this when every female friend i've talked to, in their 20s and 30s, has told me that hookup culture (and men's expectations for what women should be down for) has been damaging to them in one way or another?
i think the baseline idea, encouraging people to explore their sexuality and interests, is an awesome one. but the execution has definitely been co-opted... just like how the "free love" movement back in the 60s was also co-opted by gross men. lol. some things never change, huh?
This is why I dislike the sex positive movement because it truly is not sex positive or liberating. It’s exactly as you say women are heavily told that they aren’t liberated unless they test out every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Which isn’t true.
Sexual liberation to me is defining what sex means to you and then conducting yourself accordingly whether that’s hooking up, waiting for a connection, or waiting till marriage. I’m a virgin, but I am sexually liberated because it was my choice to be one. I am not oppressed and I do not feel like I’m missing out. Also I don’t get why people think virgins don’t know about sex… I know so many virgins that have dildos and vibrators. That’s probably TMI, but I’ve legit met virgins who are more “sexually” active than people who actually have sex 😅.
Is hookup culture unhealthy?
Short answer: Yes
Long answer: Definitely yes
Have you ever casually hooked up with anyone more than once? Is it unhealthy for you, or do you think it's unhealthy for everyone?
@@tomza649 No, only Rosie O'Donell.
I feel like the issue is that it's gotten to a point where a desire for a romantic relationship is so rare, that once in a sexual arrangement people are hesitant to share whether or not they have feelings--which leads to a lack of communication and overall heartbreak. Also when you're having sex with your friends, the platonic love that you have for them and the physical pleasure that you receive from them can brainwash you into thinking that you have romantic feelings for them, which is also not healthy and is very confusing.
Desire for romance is just not rarer . Many still desire and not everyone is hooking up
I agree. Because hookup culture puts no societal pressure on men to commit when they have sex, men de facto control whether a serious relationship takes place, which women seem to pretty much hate. Very few women seem to be happy with how insincere men are these days, but it's side effect of no morality around sex other than consent.
Yes I totally agree. I was in that exact situation where I was having sex with my friend and it was very confusing. At one point we even went out for food and I was hoping they viewed it as a date in the same way I was. It is extremely confusing especially because you could just be disposed of whenever they feel like it because you're not "exclusive."
What you said really made me realize certain things about myself but I'm also wondering... shouldn't love start with a friendship first anyway?
@@pirizzo generalisations are harmful. as long as both parties are honest and on the same page, casual sex is not harmful
PLEASE DO THAT VIDEO ON DATING APPS AND THE WAY THAT THEY ARE CHANGING THE WAY THAT WE PERCEIVE OURSELVES AND OUR INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS. sorry i just really want you to see this because i have s u c h a great number of opinions on that topic. :))) loved this video and this series btw.
She uploaded one yesterday :)
In the household I grew up in, I never really saw the double standard about men being praised for sleeping around. I know that's true in society, but I also want to point out the fact that men who sleep around can easily be seen as dirty perverts too.
Some people feel empowered by casual sex, others feel empowered by only having sex with people they love. Neither is better than the other. Do whatever works best for you and try to refrain from judging other who have had a different experience than you.
exactly
@@fatimahanwaar306 reason im into casual sex is because people in general sucks now. look at dating culture. men and women playing games with one another and used them for their own benefits. look at the divorce rates. some due to their spouse and some because of in laws and friends. to sum it up, everyone would want to have a serious committed realtionships. but modern society have ruined it. i dont wish to invest all my time, energy, emotions and money into someone who could turn their backs on me someday.
@@NookTommy divorce doesn't mean ending a healthy relationship it means ending an abusive one
@@fatimahanwaar306 and divorce is very very expensive. Also very complicated. So many heartaches and stress involved. My parents were divorced and I went through the long stressful legal process with them. My cousin too is divorced and still paying alimony to his ex wife. I rather stay single so no one can cheat on me or divorced me. There are others who wish to divorce their spouse but couldnt due to financial or children. So that takes a toll on their mental health. Im not against marriage but I don’t recommend it. If a break up from a relationship is enough to mentally kill you, then wait till you see what divorce will do to you.
@@NookTommy why would you wanna have sex with people if you think they suck because of these reasons ?
For me I feel like there is a difference between sex positivity and hookup culture. I think sex positivity is a good thing, promoting being in touch with ones sexuality, exploring it and not repressing it is definitely benefitial. I think its completely natural that different people value sex differently and as long as their happy with pursuing either commited relationships or one night stands, Im all for it, but I think hookup culture can be very toxic in the sense that a lot of people are traumatizing themselves by experiencing solely the physical side of sex when they yearn for emotional intimacy but rationalize it as normal and natural and them getting in touch with themselves and "having a blast while theyre young"
I think it's more damaging in the long run. It's a tough topic.
As a gay man, my community has never been held to a standard of heterosexuality. It doesn't matter if I "waited for marriage" because 1.marriage was only recently a possibility and 2. the purity culture people thought I was going to hell anyway so I didn't matter
The idea of open relationships and "hookup culture" was born in the gay community.
Interesting
also, i feel like society leaves you to be more ashamed of your romantic feelings towards the same sex, and reduces it to something similar to a fetish. it’s really messed up, but it kind of explains the huge hookup culture that exists in the gay community
As a demisexual, hookup culture can make us feel less than or abnormal.
Aha, thank you for even making a mention of asexuals! We're forgotten in a lot of discussions so I kinda perked up when I heard that part of the video.
Fancy Snake true!it was surprising
I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't really know about this. Would anyone feel comfortable enough to explain this to me?
Kimberly Ball asexually is a part of the LGBTQ spectrum. It’s typically when an individual just doesn’t want to have sex / has no sexual interest. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to be in relationships, sex just has nothing to do with it.
Glad we’re mentioned xD we exist!
@@kimmyball4961 asexual people feel little to no _sexual attraction_ while aromantic individuals feel little to no _romantic attraction._ Both are different, don't get it twisted ;) Some people can have either or both.
There are 3 (probably more) types of asexual people.
1. Sex repulsed- when the thought of sex is disgusting and weird.
2. Are okay with having sex just to please their partner
3. Actually likes sex (because our body is made to feel pleasure when having sex) but not crave it.
Asexual people can feel romantic attraction so they'll probably wanna date just like everyone else, some just don't want or prefer not to have sex. Which is hard if the partner finds sex to be really important.
I'm in the ace spectrum and definitely feel a little bit pressured by hookup culture. I'm not opposed to casual sex, but still I would much rather have a meaningful relationship with someone, even if it's just a friendship. To get with someone and forget their name the next morning... it's just not for me.
Elisenda P. H. F. Same!
Its not as evil as you make it....then again....there's really nothing good in it either 🤣
Same here.
This! Having one night stands with complete strangers fucking terrifies me and wouldn't want to engage in it. Ive been good with fwb because i actually have an emotional and physical attachment to them as friends first. Honestly, i think fwb gets a bad rap because people dont know know how to properly engage in it
I totally agree with the thought about weak men being the leaders of this hook up culture. Men have desired sex to become easier and easier, and with less and less commitment, and led women to believe that liberation and freedom and casual hook ups will make life so much better. "Don't wish it was easier (to get into women's pants), work on becoming better." They haven't followed this principle of becoming more of the men they were supposed to become - they have simply gotten girls to lower their standards. The hook up culture is not very nice. Tons of people are emotionally confused, and especially women. Eventually your sexual history will catch up with you, once there are no more guys interested in your attention.
And this entire time, it WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! It was the fault of men. As it always is.
I was with you until you said, "once there are no more guys interested in your attention". Because older women are no good? Another myth.
Omandita4 sorry. “once there are no more guys interested in your attention *that you are sexually interested in*.”
Tons of women complaining: “there are no good guys left.”
Oh, there are millions of single guys left. But it’s called settling.
But again, this is NOT women’s fault. Men have to become better and improve.
Are you saying this jokingly or are you being serious? It's Men's fault? I thought we were going for equality here.. that means you take responsibility for your own actions. I can't blame women for where I'm at.
@@hgzmatt blaming is feminine, because you are remaining the same - and we men want women to remain the same as they were when they were young and unburdened.
Masculinity is about taking complete ownership and responsibility over eveeeeerything that happens to you. Growing up means always pointing at yourself for your problems.
@@WomenofHighValue I don't want women to remain the same, nor do I need them to. I want mature women, not childish ones. Most of the pain in this world comes from people who never made it into a full blown adult. I expect as much accountability from women as I do from men. Everything else is backwards imo.
what I don't like about hook up culture is that it's practically an agreement to be used. Irregardless of the fact that it's consensual, it's still an unspoken agreement to be used, and to use someone else for personal gratification.
I remember getting just made fun of because I didn’t wanna hook up with them and told them I’m not sexually attracted unless I have that emotional bond. I’m pro sexual liberation OF COURSE but like why can’t I be liberated to make my own choice. It’s so ridiculous to be just expected to have sex. That’s why I’ve done away with the dating apps and I’ve just been doing me and I still get shat on. So ridiculous.
Yeah it’s your body, your choice. And if you choose to have an emotional bond before having sex then that’s great. People just need to mind their own business and it’s shitty that people judge you for living your best life.
Nothing wrong with being Demi, do you girl
Just wanted to say that aromantic people do exist and they're not all asexual. That means that there are people who don't experience romantic attraction, so they don't want to be in relationships, but they do experience sexual attraction, so they want to have sex
Ohh thank the lord! Finally found a positive comment!
Idk that literally sounds like some type of pyschopathy
@@yveje9720 not u calling peoples' sexuality a psychopathy
@@yveje9720 They do still love tho, they love their family, friends, pets, etc. They just don’t love romantically so no not at all like a psychopath
@@KaterinaMat Omg not everything is a “sexuality”. I could literally say that about anything- I like dating guys who are tall “that’s my sexuality”. Lol Um no that is called a preference.
And yes I am calling it psychopathy because what was described is a person wanting to derive physical pleasure from somebody’s body but not wanting to have any emotional or real connection with them. It’s essentially using people as masturbation devices.
Like of course most people are going to want sex because it literally feels good to most so that’s not really a shocker but to put yourself out on the limb and have an emotional connection with somebody requires you to take a risk of being hurt it also requires you to care about them beyond the physical pleasure they can give you. Sorry but I am not about to accept not caring about people beyond their ability to please you sexually a “sexuality”.
If someone really feels that way they need to acknowledge that they have a massive wall up or indeed that they are a callous person with zero concern for actually getting to know someone on a deep emotional level and committing to them.
Like I said not everything is a sexuality. I swear people slap that word on to anything so that they can be above criticism.
I felt more empowered a woman when I was a virgen. I never understood how having sex with a stranger is empowering to feminists. Ladies please don’t fall into today’s society standards. Love yourself and know yourself worth. ❤️
Arie Gobellan If you stay a virgin as a woman then change your mind later you can start sleeping around. The reverse isn’t the case however. If you start sleeping around, then change you mind when you get older (maybe you decide you want to save yourself for one guy for whatever reason), you can’t regain your virginity. Once it’s gone it’s gone. This isn’t something to be taken as lightly or casually as modern society is encouraging women to do.
The possession of your virginity should not change the way you value yourself. Feminists don't believe you have sex with strangers, they believe you should be able to if you so desire...if you don't, then don't!
@@1st_b Virginity is a social construct because your hymen is a permanent part of your body. Hell, some women are even born WITHOUT a hymen and it does not affect them AT ALL. Society created it, gendered it, and assigned it moral value, but outside of a patriarchal belief system, it’s meaningless. "Society created it, gendered it and assigned it a moral value, but outside of patriarchal and of course religious belief, its meaningless."
@@G1RLFA1LURE Stfu
thank god ppl like u are still exist
You are so intelligent and socially aware. I have been bingeing your videos all week and I admire you so much!! Keep it up gurl xx
I liked your point at the end where you talk about once you get into a relationship. I was very into the hookup culture and so when I found my future husband and we started dating, I had to retrain my brain and I basically discovered this entire new type of sex that is so deep and personal with love. It was completely new to me and I carried the baggage of all my previous partners for a while and it was something that we both had to confront because those things don't just disappear. I don't think hookups are bad at all but I wish there was more conversation about them so that girls know that being selective isn't a bad thing and just because you like sex doesn't mean you can't have standards for your hookups. You can still be sexually liberated without sleeping with every single guy and in a way, I think it's even more liberating to choose, yeah you meet my standards for a hookup. Because whether we like it or not, sex is not a purely physical thing and it doesn't just go away after you sleep with someone so I think if there was more conversation about it, people might avoid sleeping with someone and regretting it later because they were coping with someone deeper down. Hope that makes sense lol
Makes perfect sense!
Just want to say I completely agree with your comment. I have come to realise now in my late 20s that I have a ton of baggage that I need to start unpacking from when I was heavily into the hookup culture.
You said it perfectly
I agree with some of the things you are saying, this should be talked about more, and you don’t have to ”sleep with everyone”. But for me, saying that it’s more liberating to not ”sleep with everyone”, couldn’t be more wrong. There’s no need to decide what is more liberating, everyone is free to make their choice without worrying about what enyone else thinks.
I’m solely ”hooking up” right now and have been for the last few years, just because I don’t want a relationship. But not wanting to be in a relationship, doesn’t mean I don’t want to have sex.
To be clear I don’t see myself as more or less liberated than anyone else, I’m just making choices that suits me ☺️
@@carolineradstrom8136 I totally get what you're saying. I didn't say that its more liberating to not sleep with everyone, I said "You can still be sexually liberated without sleeping with every single guy and in a way, I think it's even more liberating to choose, yeah you meet my standards for a hookup." which means like it's liberating to choose who you sleep with instead of sleeping with someone just because its what you do or out of habit or boredom. I think it's more liberating personally to make that choice because you WANT to sleep with them, not just because you can. Does that make sense? I'm not against casual sex or hooking up, I just think maybe the conversation about it should be more open so that people can talk about how you can have lots of sex and hook up with lots of people without sleeping with everyone. Not sure if that makes sense or not.
LOVED this video! You hit every point, and there are so many different perspectives and takes on "hookup" culture. I think it really doesn't need to be as deep as it is, however. Unfortunately in our society, there are still many opinions and double standards, but at the end of the day, if it is: a) consensual, b) safe, c) there is communication on both ends regarding expectation, and d) you are doing - or not doing it - because you want to, not because of any other societal expectations or self harm etc. then by all means do what you want. Have casual sex or don't, get married young or wait until you're older to settle or never settle. People will always have their opinions on what other people do, but at the end of the day, it is your own personal choice. Just don't fuck up anyone's feelings while you're at it, and don't judge others who might not participate in the same things you do! On a side note, I also think it depends on every individual. Hookup culture can be hard on people who easily get attached. I have a lot of friends who have fallen head over heals for people after a couple hookups when the person they were hooking up with had zero interest in them romantically. The heartache could have been avoided potentially if there had been that conversation about intent prior to the arrangement. Anyways, love your vids you're killin it and sorry for the ramble xx
Omg my 2 favorite youtubers interacting with eachother hahaha I love you
And yeah I have some friends who have been through the exact same thing, precisely because they commit to this "hookup" culture because they feel like they "have" to, and end up getting hurt. At the end of the day, communication is the key and of course, respect other people's lifestyles.
(I love your videos I love you bye) xx
i dont know anybody who is well rounded that can participate in hookup culture.
Sophia Grasso I do, but it is rare indeed
Hookup culture made me feel bad for losing virginity so late, because it was very normal among my friend groups to experience hookup culture earlier than I did.
Also hookup culture has really given me a lot of body insecurities. I hate when people say "I only have body preferences when I hook up with people". My body is not socially viewed as attractive, so growing up seeing the body standards regarding hookup culture made me super insecure, and I started to worry that people think in the same way relationship wise as well.
I'm soon 23 and I am slowly gaining more body confidence, but I am still struggling a lot. Hookup culture has really created an unhealthy view on what attractiveness is. I tend to avoid hookup culture mainly for this reason.
i think it really depends on the emotional intelligence of a person like are you hooking up because you want to or because everyone around you is doing it? or are you doing it because of the pleasure or because you want to fill an emotional void?
To make sure you're doing it for "the right reasons" you must know yourself (too) well first. And that isn't the case for most teens/young adults (heck, even old people lol). Sometimes you think you're sure about something and then you realize you aren't. Five years ago I thought I wanted polygamy to rule my relationships, had a boyfriend who apparently wanted the same and then, after some issues ensued regarding that decision, I decided that yep, I didn't want to do it anymore, it wasn't for me. But he couldn't understand my change of emotions and broke up with me a couple months ago. It was at that moment when I realized I needed to have some alone time and work on setting my core values and the things that truly define me and what I want from everything that surrounds me. So yeah, it's a lot lol and most of the times, you can't do it without having screwed things up first
Yeah, a lot of the time that "intelligence" will develop through subjecting yourself to different types of experience
I agree with your point but I feel that most ppl deep in hook up culture aren’t emotionally intelligent like that. Im in my 30’s and know many ppl on apps looking for their next sex toy while longing for connection... it’s crazy
*Ang*
Wait so people who actually want love are going on hookup apps, getting only hookups, then complaining that they aren’t getting love? I though that was a dumb joke and that people like that didn’t actually exist.
Banane Wane unfortunately they do. Many bend to the pressure and hope that sex is the gateway to love and intimacy. Unfortunately it’s not very effective. I kno males and females with this issue. I personally do not use dating apps.
I think the whole "missing out" debate is a bit exaggerated, the only way you're missing out on casual sex is if that's something you want to do but aren't doing. For someone like me who has been in the same relationship for a few years and has absolutely no desire to have casual sex despite being in my 20's, I'm not missing out, I'm the happiest I have ever been and I have no regrets. What this means is do what feels right for YOU, don't assume that everyone is the same as you whichever side of the discussion you're on.
AmIOutOfTheSpotlight I really hate the “missing out” debate regarding hookup culture (and other topics) if it’s not something I want, them I’m not missing out, and who is anyone to tell anyone else what they want and what they’re “missing out” on?
Hook up culture is extremely toxic. It’s also an issue in your 30’s and even 40’s! 😂 with the explosion of dating apps and social media sex has been cheapened.
I have participated in hook up culture but it gets tired for people. Ppl can not develop real intimacy and deep connection if they are deeply embedded in this lifestyle. This is a issue for all age groups not young people
As an asexual growing up and wanting to date was really confusing. I can't even remember all the times I got played and forced to have sex because it was essentially all they wanted from me, while I was hoping they would start liking me as a result. Took a really long time to realize it's not ok to force yourself to do thing just to please others!
That is my issue too. I didn't understand my asexuality and let relationships fall apart because I let other people tell me how to feel about sex and the more I was pressured the more sex repulsed I became. I am sorry you had to go through that too, it is very damaging.
Okay so I just recently turned 22 and I'm in college so I'm surrounded by hook up culture. Around a year ago, a friend of mine was just sleeping around with like a different guy every week and obviously I wasn't judging her for that but she always told me like "omg you're missing out on so much, just lose your virginity it's no big deal once it's done, and then you can have a lot of fun by having sex" and, it's not that I didn't want to have sex, its just that I knew I couldn't do it with just a random person that I met on the same day. I actually had my 1st kiss when I was 16, at a party and it was a "urgh let me just get rid of this" type of thing and i kinda regretted it afterwards. I've kissed a few guys afterwards (you know, in high school) but, every time, I felt really bad afterwards because no feelings were involved. So I just decided that I wouldn't have sex unless I had at least *a little bit* of emotional attraction with a guy. Met this guy a month ago, we're going on our 3rd date tmrw, things are looking positive and I think I might be having sex for the 1st time with him (not tmrw tho😅). All of this to say, if you're having sex great, if you're not having sex for whatever reason (religious, values, principles, asexual...) great too. You do you 🙂
Don't.
The classic 3rd date scenario is one that so many women fall victim to that its become a cliche.date 1 spend time,make no demands.date 2 trust established,attempt respectful petting. Date 3 whoop hoo time.
3 dates is nowhere near enough time to establish an emotional bond or to prove character. If you are genuinely interested in that kind of connection try date 30.see if he is willing to respect your emotional need for a bond or if he goes looking elsewhere for gratification in the meantime. Sex is a big deal, you are allowing a virtual stranger to rummage inside your body and deposit their reproductive fluids inside it. In essence it's like them sticking a coin into a slot machine and pulling the handle -
3 in a row and jackpot you are pregnant.
Consider that... When you think I'm going to have sex it's actually I'm going to attempt to get pregnant ( contraception isn't 100% reliable). Ask yourself do I want to be pregnant tomorrow? If no,don't have sex - simple.
@@tweetiepie551 I was mostly with you, it really is more significant than people make it seem, but that last sentence.... I mean, I'm happily married and still would not want to be "pregnant tomorrow" lmao. But I do think it's a good exercise to try to imagine that person as the father of your children. If you can't imagine it at all or think they would be a disaster OR have a very limited idealistic image of the person thinking they would be "just perfect~", it may be better to wait.
@@icecreamcake6238 well technically speaking as a happily married woman you have already made the decision that your spouse would be someone suitable as a parent for your future children. Even though on a personal level you have decided now is a good time to bear them.
The problem lies in the modern notion that sex is a recreational sport and that liberation is in the ability to say yes to anyone and everyone who crosses your path.I disagree,liberation is in understanding that your body is the single most sacred thing you have and the ability to say no to any Tom Dick or Harry who wants to use our internal organs for fun.
Wow, 3 dates and now all of a sudden you’re no longer just “hooking up”? You don’t get the point. I bet you regret it already by now. This comment probably did not age well.
tweetie pie who cares
For me, the idea that you are more sexually experienced because you've had a lot of partners, even if you've only been with each of them once or twice, is just strange. Especially when a lot of these hookups happen when people are intoxicated. Maybe it was just me who was unsure and clumsy as a young adult, but most hookups weren't fantastic sex. I'm all for people being sexually free as long as no one else is harmed, but there is something special with being with someone you know well, trust and have knowledge of what turns the other on.
zinatarata I agree! I think someone who has been with one partner for 5 years could be just as or more sexually experienced than someone who has been with 50 partners in those 5 years, depending on how much the first couple experimented etc, but there is definitely something special about really getting to know one person and what makes them tick that cannot be achieved on one night stands with strangers. I guess it depends on your definition of "sexually experienced" but what I mean is that there is a high chance the first couple would be better lovers
There is also middle ground, for thoes commentinng to extremes. There are people who are selective about who they have sex with, and do so in wanting a relationship, but who are not waiting until marriage. There are people who were pure while looking for someone they trust. I waited until I met someone who I trusted. We didn’t last long, we were young, but it was becasue I’d been hurt as a child so being with someone sexually required so must trust for me for the first time. We are all unique, and all on different places on a scale. We are not extremes, we are all shades of gray.
And having that first time that was willing be with someone I trusted, made it easier to trust people. I got to have hookups here and there throughout my college years becasue I realized sex wasn’t evil. I don’t know that I would’ve felt that way if I had rushed into sex with the wrong person too soon.