My sister is a covert. They feel the need to be the biggest victim in the room while at the same time being the hero in the story. Been no contact for about 2 years. Happy me!
This is a “friend” of almost ten years. She finally removed herself from my life because I of course was the bad guy when I stood up for myself after her ridiculous attack on me and how horrible I am. She did me a favor!!!
Also he describes me as this horrible lying cheating blaming fake non accountable creature, Lol , he hates all those qualities that are all his , Folks I'm getting a mirror , and holding it up to him
Yes Lord that's part of their facades they have on a mask literally & daily they don't want the outside world to know the Real them the one the family knows behind theirs walls of horror & the kids are the most vulnerable to it they at any age these babies didn't ask to be @ this monstrous madness my heart breaks more & more for them Lord especially if they are at a age where they can remember Jesus :-( & they love to prey on the next victim to believe their manipulating calculating dangerous world of lies & the older they get the crazier they get & its 10x worst if they are an addict drugs,alcohol or sex
If you ask my wife's friends they'll say she has a terrible husband. Even members of my own family will tell you that. As I swim lonely in the depths of depression.
Am dealing with this stuff I've had threats from theses people I've had men out. Side my home phone calls had to change my number threats to kill me some of theses people are mediums some I don't even know am trying to stay safe and have nothing to do with theses people I don't even want them in my life
I just got out - Thank God! It felt awful, no empathy, no conflict resolution, no mercy, just trying to destroy me to have control. Others did not believe me but its OK to just trust yourself and how YOU FEEL around them. Mine put broken glass on the floor so I cut my foot when I woke up. Nice , huh!
I noticed that the narcissist i live with turned the gas on a burner on a stove as he went to work. He didn't cook that morning, the gas on the burner was turned on.. They're a really poisonous group.
I feel like my aunt is one and my cousin is a flying monkey but no one believes me and everyone thinks I’m paranoid. It’s pushing me to suicide honestly because I feel obligated to be with my family
100% perfectly described my mom- Me and my dad have been searching forever for what she has or is or what is causing it. She had us convinced that we were the problem.
Ditto. I've been searching for 20 years when I first discussed her with a therapist, but she suggested a personality disorder and nothing I read fit the bill. Even worse, my father is also a narcissist, but the obvious kind. I parted ways with my 70-something mother last year and haven't heard from her since. She has poisoned my siblings and father against me so I have no family anymore. It was a strange dispute today out of nowhere (lots of twisting my benign basically) with a woman I know that brought me to this video. I just keep attracting these types, unfortunately. I know who I want to be around, but can never find them. Hang in there and you are not the problem.
Exactly, they will slowly and very subtly start to belittle you. Slowly it increases and when you try to set boundaries they become furious and accuse you of abusing them The gas lighting combined with the false facade of vulnerability (they have depression, PTSD, are being harassed by a Shakespearean villain etc etc) and a false facade of empathy (their hearts bleed for babies dumped in rubbish bins, starving women in they happen to meet on the street, exploited street monkeys , dogs in animal shelters etc etc but no real adult person that they really know and have a relationship with) and the hidden rage that keeps coming out ... Oh yes spare me from these lunatics and predators.
Unfortunately they leave scars emotional,mental and even physical. They make sure you will never forget them .soul suckers, survive by destroying your id . True definition of a demon at work 'a narcissist '
@MT - you can forget them and easily too if you just remind yourself how luck you are to have ESCAPED for GOOD. If you are still finding hard to forget them then you have not filled your life with enough good things and are giving them too much of your LIFE or are hanging on to the desire for revenge (which I completely understand given the $h!t they make you go through) but that’s when I remind myself that being obsessed with someone and letting them consume your life is like drinking the poison yourself and wanting someone else to die - My advice: Leave them exactly where they are and to their own devices and they will detonate their own selves with their self-destructive unrepentant souls. That is the Destiny of those who abuse other Souls without remorse because they suffer from the delusion that they are god. And when you compete with the Real God of this Universe He has an amazing way of putting you in the place where you belong and giving you what you have earned and what you deserve.
I felt this so deeply. Heard things like "I want you to remember this". I'm building myself back up from 14 years of experience with a covert. He seems so lost. I'm an empath. I trusted him. We have 3 children. He used me up and now he is done. I'm left picking up the pieces of myself. He is so cocky but in private he is a victim. His life isn't fair. He wants to be famous. Asks me all the time if he is famous. He has deployed and was an infantry soldier. I have been with him since high school. Says he is leaving me because I never helped him. I've always been a housewife. Every time I have worked I missed days because of him or get fired because he gets in my head about other co workers. He creates alot of stories in his head. He knows nothing about me. I know everything about him. He blames his TBI and all this other crap. He has me so isolated no friends. Makes me hate my family. He can screw over me and everybody and I have to forgive him but hate whoever he hates. He got jealous of my brother helping me and called his ex and told her he was on drugs. Now he isn't allowed to see his kids. All because he helped me. He wants nobody to be better than him. He lost a fitness contest and couldn't believe he lost. Tried to blame me lol He tries to get in my head. Were not divorced but he went and got the papers and has had them in our truck for a year. He can love one second and hate the next. Looks at me and says your boring. He loves to toy with me. I'm married to a fucking child excuse my language. So immature and emotionally unstable. He just takes. I dont know if I can keep allowing his behavior. The self centeredness affects our children. They feel like its always about Dad. He manipulates them to tell him the truth or forces them to lie. He always believes his own stories. I over medicated myself for years to the point of having to go to detox. His Dad covers for him. Its always poor him. If he gets violent with me his dad is like dont call the cops. Its just insane what I have dealt with. Its so damaging. He will pinch my arm and ask me of im telling people his business. He can't have kids anymore and he hates that. Its demasculating for him I guess. So many guys go through that and he lives in denial. He is addictive person. He goes to the gym all hours of the day or night. Obsessed with his body and his image. Lies about his profession. Its sad because he has potential. He needs treatment and therapy and he just won't. Now that we're both sober I can't handle it anymore. He just woke up 2 weeks ago and said he wants a divorce. I feel like I stay with him because he is all I know. He says its because I'm using him. He accesses me of making fake accounts to talk to him. Like dont flatter yourself I dont even want you here. I just want you to be there for your kids. He is out of control. He has never been this crazy and lost before. I feel like its very hard for him to be sober and to have a cookie cutter life that many would dream about. He has everything to be happy and its never been enough for him. He wants to travel and he will complain about his life in front of our children and makes them feel sad. He tells the kids I was on drugs Everything is a competition. He is so confusing. This is the longest episode ever a good 2 weeks right now that he actually left to his parents house. He does stupid things and expects forgiveness and finds ways to blame me. Only I am so strong these days and my boundaries are strong and people like you are educating me more and I appreciate it. Now I know how to have control over my life and this crazy marriage we have. Talking about this with people who understand has strengthened me. Make a video on how to co-parent with a narcissist please!
Married 17 years now to one and I'm an Empath. You hit the nail on the head with the description. Not ready to leave but in emotional pain every.single.day. It's become worse over the years and I love your comment about small drips - that's exactly it! Feels really good to not feel alone right now. I have two children I stay for.
I stayed for because of my child who is now 15 and it's finally time to get the hell away from this horrible man, I knew things were bad when I was in the marriage but now that we are in the process of divorce I feel 100% certain that it is the best thing for me and my son. Good luck and I hope you find the courage to leave someday.
My motto is: MOVE ON AND STAY STRONG. I left my 13 year marriage after horrible isolating abusive Soul sucked, emotionally starved life from him and took my 2 kids with me. He had/has gambling addiction and left me broke, had to find the strength and means to get away. It wasn't easy and to make matters worse, we worked same office bldg and the smear campaign was intense. Added to this, was narc mother and dysfunctional family, so no support from any of them either. Moved to nearby new city w kids. Didnt know anyone. Was very hard to do without ant support from anywhere. My faith got me through it and I slowly gained more strength once he was out if my life and not able to suck me dry. There was no YOU tube then for learning and support. His mother, and especially his sisters (of whom I was loving, kind , supportive and played a responsible role in their lives, therefore helped give them more needed freedom) turned their backs on me too. I never had a sister, only two horrible brothers, so they were like my own younger sisters by 5 and 6 years younger....all adults then..didn't matter, I was the bad one in their eyes for leaving. I stayed strong and knew in my heart that I did the right thing, and I was free! Day by day I still grew stronger. What a wonderful feeling. After a few months, a family "friend" who was my only support system for years, decided he was entitled to a relationship with me now that I was separated, when I told him I only think of him as friend, he went into a rage, threatened my life, then stalked me for months...during this same time, I had just weeks prior gone through an attack and threat on a work call and so once again, zero support..even my workplace response was to down play it and sweep it under carpet and then proceeded to treat me horrible in hopes I'd quit so they could hide what happened. I needed to keep my benefits and pension in tact and was too shooken up and traumatized to find other work in this condition as well..so I had to stay at this job and endure more. My kids needs were met and I kept a roof over their heads and food on the table and clothes on their backs. We made our own fun. My ex way underpaid child support so it was still almost entirely on me to provide financially, as it had always been only on me to work full time, raise kids myself, and keep a spotless house..no change there expect the addition of helping my kids adjust to new home, New school, New friends and a broken family. This was hard since I was so beaten down from every aspect. My point here is this, I did it..years later I am in a healthy 17 year relationship and my kids are happy healthy adults living productive lives in their own relationships. I also helped raised my new common law husbands two kid's into happy adulthood as well. You count, your life counts, your happiness counts, you have to try to move on stay strong..NEVER go back to your ex no matter what tactic they might try. YOU CAN DO IT.Dont allow any further abuse and your life to be full of regrets and devalued. There is freedom, peace , happiness and love waiting for you. Also life's ups and downs too..no one gets a free pass, but when you feel whole inside again, you can cope much Bette with any further downs of life, and when you have regained self love and self respect, you just mug add a new healthy balanced Happy relationship to help you share life's new ups and downs, Good Luck dear M Mandy...YOU CAN DO THIS! ! ! Sending uou a big strong and loving hug and every wish for your inner strength and happiness. BTW. Contrary to what you might think, kids are not better off in an unhealthy environment just because you don't want them to come from a broken home, believe me, it's been broken all a long and kids already know and feel it. Seeing an abused parent take a stand against it will make your child see and identify right from wrong and become a better person growing up too.
It's hard but you have to find a way to leave. Me and my ex share a child but I couldn't take it anymore. Each day, week, month, year will keep getting worse. If you don't your mind and health will continue to deteriorate and will be harder to care for the kids. I really feel for what you going through I did 11 years myself
The worst feeling for me was that after all his abuse, all my efforts to try and heal our relationship and then heal myself when I realized that wasn’t possible, he goes into a smear campaign to tarnish me and calls me the abuser. It’s very painful. I’ve been in therapy for years and he won’t step foot inside a therapists office, all I ever did was love him. The level of gaslighting is so painful. Still working through to surviving.
Ofcourse they wont see someone, they think they are perfect and can do no wrong. Best to not waste time with people like that. Let them rot away in their own little sad world. Hope you keep on trucking thru, get a dog they help!
I had the audio book playing and my son and I could NOT believe how this lady was describing my husband who she had never met. It was HEALING and validating for my son. It transformed his mind about how it really was about his dad, not him.
Cinda, I thought she wrote the book for me too and describing my husband. However, having experience with a narcissist in my family, I now see my own narcissistic traits. I am going to write them down but I started holding myself accountable immediately!!!!❤
My Mom is a covert narcissist. She is also “allergic to electricity” like Chuck McGill which is a strange sub-type of covert venerable narcissists. She is also a “sovereign citizen” and believed the laws don’t apply to her because she is a narcissist. My twin brother, 41, is her golden child and I was/am her scapegoat. It’s toxic. We are estranged which is a sad necessity.
Rebecca, thank you. I am a primary caregiver to my now severely disabled Mom. I have learned a lot in the last 2 weeks. 2 weeks ago I did not even know what a Narcissist was honestly. Now I realize this. I was raised by a Toxic Narcissist of a single Mother. I met a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist who did every single thing to me you described. When I met her 11 years ago I met my inlaws (Her Mother a classic Exhibitionist Narcissist & Dad is a Toxic Narcissist) My wife asked me for a Divorce 3 months ago because my Narcissistic Supply had come to an end (As well as the money) Now I am about to loose my house, my retirement funds., etc....BUT I am slowly getting my sanity back.
I had always heard about "passive aggressive" behaviors. You can encounter them in normal people in day-to-day living. HOWEVER, Narcissists take Passive Aggression to a "whole nother" level. The difference is that the Cluster B will jab you at regular intervals. Any single jab seems insignificant (you ask yourself "did that just happen?"); but cumulatively the jabs cut deep.
To my dismay, I am realizing that we are surrounded by Narcs. And so it's a constant fight to become a better individual. I am understanding and appreciating the critical importance of No Contact. Blessings
I have learned so much from your videos. It's amazing that I have lived with a covert passive aggressive narcissistic wife all these years. Now we're going through divorce. It is so crazy that you can still love someone who has done you so wrong.
I was married to a covert narcissist for 25 years, and got divorced 5 years ago. We have 4 children together and to this day it still hurts that I had to break up our beautiful family. I still love this man, but I know he almost broke me completely and I did the right thing. Will this ever heal? 😢
@@Josefien59 I know it will heal. I had a relationship that was only one year long, but I put my whole heart into it. Took me 13 years for my heart to get over that relationship. The day my heart was healed and I was no longer affected, I was SO SO happy. He was GONE, out of my heart. It was SUCH a relief! You will get there. I think Louise Hay has been a tremendous help in my life. Unfortunately I'm still married to a passive aggressive covert narcissist (took me 14 years into the marriage to figure out exactly what he was), but I have faith I will get over him given time and self-help work/therapy. There are more of us empaths out there. Most of us I think are in tumultuous relationships. Jesus Christ has helped heal me. His atonement at gethsemane and sufferings and death were for everyone who believes in Him. I know this to be true.
Oh Jesus! I think you just explained my 25 year marriage that I had to finally extricate myself from or die. I am not exactly an empath but I was most certainly with a narcissist. And it took me so long to get past the push me away and pulling me back so fast my head would spin constantly off balance. He was so insecure while being one of the most vain people I had ever met in my life. The biggest liar, the most manipulative all of the superlatives!
I just feel there is !a global pandemic of nasty narcissists out there. I am thankful for platforms like this and thank Rebecca for sharing her candid personal and professional experience. It has been invaluable to me. The more people have an awareness about them the better chance they have to protect themselves, their health and their well being. Praise be for the gift of this and similar platforms. Amen. To Rebecca a heartfelt thanks, you will never know the help and support you have provided for me.
Thank you for bringing up the coffee example! My narc always "forgot" or "never received the text" that we needed baby formula or anything I/babies needed. Or the time I worked on our kid's Halloween costume for days. He told me it was such a waste of time. He left it in the car before the competition and he refused to walk 20' to get it from the parking lot -- 20 feet away and he refused. He saw me sewing and working on it for days, but told me he decided it wasn't important. I asked him for the car keys so I could retrieve it. He told me no and that "sitting and talk to his parents" (who we see all the time!) is more important than walk back for the outfit and that I needed to get my priorities straight! Little twists of the knives should have clued me to the bigger things around the corner. PSA-- Listen to your gut. Run now. Run fast. It only gets worse.
Oh god what a horrible man they don’t care about their own children that is the only thing keeping me with him, I know that if I leave him he will purposely put them in danger or abuse them physically. Try explaining this to a judge how you don’t trust your own ex husband to care for your kids. I am a baker lol I taught myself and honestly they are perfect all my baking. Well, he will refuse to try anything I make he will see a cake dome plate filled with fresh baked good that I spent hours making during the night and he wont come near them. One time one of our children was car sick and my husband used that time to pinpoint that maybe my baking made him sick. I was so mad but tried not to react. My son was just car sick from playing his nintendo in a moving car!
I have one for you my husband goes to my favorite jewelry store every Christmas and buys me what asked him not to buy every year to hurt my feelings. Like to make sure I know that I’m not important and he doesn’t care about me all very passive aggressive. This is a little place that has unusual stuff kind of artistic stuff. I told him I have enough gold loops so could you get me something else?? Every year I open the one gift he buys I do all the other gifts ! So last year he put my gift under the tree while he was at work I opened it guess what was in it?? You guess it gold loops !!!! I found the receipt on the dresser I returned them buy a way nicer gift a necklace that was a little more money more that the 50.00 he spent on me. Had the girl wrap it in the same paper the other one was in I take it home and drop it in the gift bag under the tree.So on Christmas I open it and I’m so surprised I say thanks you hon it beautiful I love it you should have seen his face !! He say but ... that’s not what I bought you. !!!!! I said what difference does it make he’s like well someone else will very disappointed when the don’t get the gift we’re supposed to get . It’s funny this man has never in his life care about someone else getting the short end of stick in his life . He was disappointed because he didn’t get to hurt me on Christmas. I love Christmas it my favorite holiday. I love buying gifts for people and the kids. His Christmas fun was seeing the hurt look on my face the sick bastard !!
It’s very insidious because when you try to explain it to others it makes you feel crazy because they hurt you in very subtle ways. If you don’t leave him I’d recommend acting like you don’t want what you really do want and trick him into getting what you really want if that makes sense.
My CN ex used to use gifts as a way to make digs at me and show me how little I mattered. Once I told I wanted a ruby tennis bracelet for a big anniversary. For my birthday, he bought a cheap bracelet at Overstock. When I didn't get the message, he made sure he pointed out how cheap the stones were. Another time, he gave me a diet cookbook when I weighed all of 120 lbs. I was so dense that I didn't take his gifts as the insults they were meant to be and always acted happy to get his insult gifts. When we separated, I gave him back the cheap bracelet through the lawyers and got rid of the diet cook book.
@@Bahbahlatje wanna hear something crazy? A few years ago while in Tennessee for Thanksgiving with his family (and for both my sons and my birthday right after) he bought me this REALLY weird necklace. It was hideous. It featured a silver cage with a silver bird perched inside and you can open the door. How symbolic! I NEVER wear it and i refuse to. He had told me just last year "this isn't a prison, you can go whenever you want" but also has told me many times before "i don't NEED you here, i CHOOSE to have you here." I can't do this anymore......
7 years relationship with this type i almost died . I am 3 months out but he still tries to run this game. Working on me and healing. Thank you for videos. He took on my entire personality almost alienated me from my friends. I am an empath. You describe every thing I undured.
great information, thank you... having a narcissistic family member is so exhausting... the trauma is real it is so sad... the behavior does not change!
They are so great at dishing out disappointments. I got so that I never revealed what I liked or wanted because of the passive aggressive behavior. It hurt even worse to see him dishing out to our children.
Debbie's book was eye opening for me, i have yet to read a more accurate description. Especially the chapter on sex, none of the other books talk about this issue and sex is such an important part of a romantic relationship. I thank myself daily for leaving him, these people are extremely destructive. Great video, thank you!!
Camille Do you smile everyday morning that you wake up and he’s not there...I do. After 20 years I never thought I’d be so happy. God shields us when you let him in your heart.
That's the best description of a narcissists I've heard....chocolate bunny that's empty inside! That made me crack up. I used to work with a lot of narcissists as a psychotherapist years ago. It was so hard because they have trouble tolerating looking at themselves during the therapy process, so they usually jet.
I wish all this information was more available back in the 80s when I was victimized and almost destroyed. Now I have learned what happened, and what within me led to being involved with this person, and have an understanding of what drove the person. Healing has taken place, and I am moving on with more awareness.
That was a really clear definition. I could picture a person clearly when you were describing the traits of a covert passive aggressive narcissist! Great video!
Want to point out that someone can have many toxic traits, especially passive aggression, and be guilty of gaslighting, and the 4 horeseman of the apocalypse, avoidant attachment, yet still not be a covert or narcissist. That's the enigma I've faced for 6 years now. It's finally reached its boiling point...
Excellent work,accurate reflections of this illness.A true pandemic of our times and unlike any physical illness whereby it can seen via the naked eye,narcissism cannot.Always the first indication is a personal feeling that something isn't quite right here,trust that feeling as it will ultimately save you.
Going berserk at the end of the relationship is spot on. This person totally lost it, became verbally abusive and from my perspective went crazy. All the little passive aggressive digs that made me question myself came to light in a validation to myself that I was not the crazy one in the relationship.
Wow. That description is my ex narc exactly! She follows the narcissist play book so perfectly it is scary. I had no idea a person like this ever existed. Hopefully I never encounter one ever again.
@@lissyspice24, it's absolutely spiritual warfare and their spirits don't leave just because you break up with them. I had the same experience with my covert nex after he moved out. The demonic spirits over him lingered for a while...felt like I was being watched in my own home. Especially at night, I could feel a presence standing over me while I slept. My dear, you need to prepare yourself a prayer, anointing oil, and read Psalm 91 aloud as you anoint your house...every doorway, window, mirror, cupboards, vents, etc...any entry point where demons can enter or hide. I won't even get into the things that were suddenly happening in my house after he left that never happened before. But I will say it took me 4 tries over 6 months anointing my house before they finally left and for me to be at peace. They are very stubborn demons. Might I add that I was saved a couple months before my nex and I separated so that didn't help...I just pissed off satan even more by becoming a follower of the Lord 😄.
Ms. Zung, Great job on breaking free of the two covert narcissist.... I am very proud of you.... The smarter you are, you will always attract narcissist in your mist.... Narcissist survive off of our confidence.... I finally broke free from my ex narcissist boyfriend, fortunately I am a 'Super Empath', so I survived it.....
I keep hearing they have very little self esteem or self worth, however I also notice and observe that they appear to have the most self esteem and self worth. I get that it's a facade but how on Earth do they appear to be so incredibly confident? They appear to be very giving, caring, the nicest people in the world on the surface. Sometimes I see glimpses of caring but often wonder if that, too is an illusion.
Because their emotional responses are that of an unmatured brain. Their frontal cortex and amygdala balance is off. Their real lack of empathy is off and their actions tend to be that of a child wanting more than he/she knows what is acceptable. It makes them feel an selfish entitlement. These people only see themselves as deserving. and constantly look for bailouts since they are nearly incapable of taking mature action on their own. It's an easy way to pass the buck/blame and play the pity deserving game. Behind the scenes they sabotage joy by minimizing anything good accomplishments you may attain and feel they are superior to you. Sadly, I learned this the hard way and at a young age caring for a close family member. I know this person had trauma in their past so kept excusing it until I realized this person has to take on responsibility for their own actions to and get professional help if they want. I still feel love for this person and always hope to see a change for better. To this day, this person still minimizes my accomplishments, demonstrates angry bouts, and loves to dominate our conversations. However, I've learned a few tools to diffuse the irrational responses and maintain my own measure of peace. That said: 'I don't recommend this for everyone.' Some have to cut off all ties to remain sane.
Im facing this right now, married for 45 yrs and he has made my life hell. He now claims he sees he has a mental disorder and will move out and help me financially but no trust on my part...numerous affairs and always sorry but not...yikes
@@barbaradewolf7304 so sorry. Im on the same road in life as you. Married 38 yrs. Stayed married for the kids , still raising a 16 yr old. I go in and out of reality, sometimes see that I'm played with false kindness and aggression, and then I feel strong and detach from him , then I get confused and feel I'm this terrible person for months. And those times I feel I'm in hell.
The more inferior they feel inside, the more superior they will try to appear on the outside. It’s an overcompensation A person at peace with themselves doesn’t feel the need to prove anything
@@Jumpman90 yes. At least for me. Mine was not a romantic relationship. It was my so called mother. I cut her out over 2 years ago after she pushed my father (her satellite) to suicide. It's normal stay strong.
You checked off so many things wow. I was in a relationship for years and kept giving them the benefit of the doubt until something clicked... Now I'm binging all these videos on the topic just so i can know how I can deal with it because now I have to co-parent.
OMG you nailed it! every detail! I am so glad it's over! There was nothing else I could do, because most people thought this person was a Saint...What a sh*t show! I put up, shut up, and moved on when it was time -but the expeienced has stayed with me. Thank You so much Rebecca for helping me put words to this horible experience, it does help put my mind more at ease. "Target," Yes; "Survivor," Yes; "Victim, "Never! Yet still I wonder what is it in me that attracted this person and situation in the first place? I continue to look within, to change that aspect of myself that attracted this person into my life; needless to say, I have learned a lot about myself from this whole experience.
This is absolutely tremendous, Thank you so much for this Rebecca, You're absolutely beautiful, You have stupendous understanding, I'm dealing with this type, I'm definitely not going back and I will not be pressured to be with this guy, Peace, love to you Rebecca and everyone, Thank you universe 😀💞💎😊🌈🦄🦄😁😍🧿💫💙🤍♾️⚘️⚘️👁🐉👽✨️😃
I feel free listening to this. I had no idea what I had been dealing with. I am an empath. A member of my family has devastated me. Ha...now I understand. Thank You.
I've been a target of one of those! It's not a happy place to be, dealing with a person like that can be a real struggle, and depending on who it is, it's hard to spot them, but we have to, they only take energy away from us
Covert passive aggressive = nice outer appearance + victim mentality+lacks boundaries +manipulates---> my mother and husband. My husband would raise the window of the car when my hand was in it then I would scream that I could raise my own window and he would say oh sorry but would do it again the next time
OMG! My husband had done this to me, when we would go to see our parents ( we live out side city limits) everytime my hand would be outside the window he would roll up the window and act as if he didn't know my hand was there.. but this happens several times..
@@lisavaden9903 See I'm petty and hell hath no fury....you know that saying...."Hurt People Hurt People" I would leave that saying around where he could see it.
I’ve had my share of relationships with narcissists (which is another question.). No one is perfect so... When it comes to these small things that seem like slights I let the first couple go and say nothing; but after the second event I start looking for patterns. When they’re obvious to the point I can predict them I’m gone. I don’t provide a reason or give them a chance to love-bomb, deny, gaslight, etc., other than it isn’t working for me since I know the tricks they play. At the point where it’s obvious my mind is made up and that’s the end of it. No looking back, no self doubt; but you can only do that if you let things develop on their own and give them the rope to hang themselves.
Perfect! When I found out my new husband was one, I basically just made it look like my fault and said I could never love him the way he needs to be loved. And I don't want to try to make him happy because I can't do it. And I don't want him to try to make me happy because he can't.
So glad this info is getting to be more widely known. I spent decades with one of these very disordered people and was nearly destroyed from the inside out with the drip-drip-drip as you say. The projection is bad enough on its own, but add in all the other stuff and it is just way too much. When you separate or divorce get ready for the smear campaign. Mine is a smearer extraordinaire. Yes that book is so good and covers the patterns with disturbing accuracy.
Love the term "smeared extraordinaire" - it captures the messy malice perfectly... Also a victim of decades wasted... and wish the info was more widely known in earlier times : TH-cam has shifted the conversation! Best regards
Oh my goodness yes, and it started a LONG time ago yet he still comes back, and then smears me even worse to the people he works with... just to play the victim with them, i feel so stupid for allowing this to go on since we married in 2010
I had no idea our marriage and engagement was an ambush. What a waste of time for both of us. He needed to injure and ambush that badly. The whole relationship was one Ambush after another until I became pregnant, then we ignored each other. Nice nasty, nice nasty that passive-aggressive all the time. What a shame I didn't see this video long ago. 14 years later I'm out, but it's still mind-boggling
Your right. I am a magnet for such people. What is real bad is the odd sense of guilt one feels when getting rid of them. Of course by the time one realise the poison of their narsasist has a grip, it is nearly to late, and the effects of the gas lighting has you doubting yourself and the decision you took to get away.
Exactly! This is the worst. My ex turned my daughter against me and because of this I have lost out going on 4.5 years of a relationship with my daughter. It is painful and the sad part is, I began to start seeing my ex's ways in my daughter so much so that all I can do now is try to stay far away from them. It hurts and I think my ex is pure evil. How can you destroy your own child like that and not even care and still in the end blame everyone else and play the victim. It's just so sick!
Girl your videos are fantastic. I appreciate that concise and direct advice you're offering. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and expertise.
I’m glad that you mentioned the bully on the playground, because my ex is a covert Narc to a T. I was beginning to wonder when I heard that they’ll fight in divorce court, Because as soon as I stood up to him and filed for divorce, he went completely docile. Occasionally, he’ll start talking crap, but as soon as I confront him on what he said or did, he’d back down. Thank you for all your work. I appreciate it. I’m a new subscriber and binge watched! 👍🏻
Angela it’s amazing the difference you see when you set boundaries. I don’t think either of us recognize one another. He has become this kind victim type and I have boundaries like a boss. The only thing is I’ve seen his mask off and I will never forget it.
Nu Mo Thats how I feel since I’ve glimpsed behind the mask. I finally see who he really is. My advantage is that now I know he’s a narcissist and he doesn’t. 👌🏻
@@lovestolaugh I don’t know why they change, but there was really no court. I filed, he filed his response, we went to a mediator and had everything settled there. We didn’t own house so he got one car I got the other we split the kids 50-50 he paid minimal child support. I got my maiden name back and we signed all the paperwork on his birthday lol
Fifteen years with who I believe is a passive aggressive covert narcissist. Six months out and people still don’t understand. I was never allowed to meet with her friends or work colleagues socially or even weddings. Nothing made sense until the discard because I was in denial. This affirms what I believe. Thank you
I’ve heard that book recommended before but because of this video…I read it today. WOW!! Just when I thought I couldn’t learn anything new about narcissism. I broke down and almost collapsed in tears.
REBECCA ZUNG-i lived over 20 yrs with covert-tried to kill me 12 times-i was always in fear and every one thot he was wonderful-he was so evil-i prayed so hard for help and one day 5 yrs ago he got up and dropped dead on couch- i knew the lord helped me. they are sooooo evil. i could write a book on it.-i love your videos -they help me now to go back and listen and to get rid of it as i had ptsd from it-thank you for your videos...
Just bought the book!, I've been sooo used to Narcissists in my life I even picked out the most Narcissistic dog out of the litter! Know your Aussies!! I'm learning a lot from your videos, worksheets, and resources. I can spot the Narc lingo, and baits now, and am happier. Less contact, more peace. I am keeping the dog. He knows who is Alpha, and who feeds him!! Thanks!
I’m definitely learning from your videos. I’ve married 2 covert narcs, my mom is also a narc, you are opening my eyes, I’m about to divorce my second narc wife. I appreciate your hep and allowing me to become aware of what’s really going on.
I like you and enjoy very much to watch your videos. I finally feel validated on a legal niveau when I listen to you. I went through hell when I tried to divorce my husband. He blackmailed me, intimidated me, hided all assets and left me without a cent although I'm a stay at home mom with 2 small children. I live in Austria and here they don't recognize or dont care to recognize this maleficent people and their behavior, in Court. I consulted different lawyers and finally I found one that I suppose was herself a narcisist and after the horrible way she treated me and how she practically told me I'm not entitled to even alimony for my children, I dropped the divorce idea and stayed in the marriage. Senseless to say how down I feel in this encounter called marriage but I also know that I dont have the money and the strength to beat my husband in court so I must endure a few years for my children sakes. However, your videos and the ones from Dr Ramani are helping me to cope and go on every day. Thank you !❤
Please know it is not you, and hang on. I have to hang on, unless I want to quit my job right before I'm able to retire. 3 Bosses that I just try to keep my distance, limit my interaction, 1 word responses. They try to crush our souls, we can't let them !
U go girl! Thx for sharing. I’m a survivor of 1 malignant n 2 coverts. I’m a PhD n still fell for it. I’m now a psychologist n can spot it but still working on my self esteem daily!! ❤️
Thank you for these videos. I worked for a covert narcissist for more than 15 years. I finally had the chance to leave. I am outspoken and my colleagues did not believe me a lot of times. I knew him so well that I am sure my colleagues thought that I was the narcissist one. He really tried to separate us to rule better. I had to manipulate sometimes and lie to him to survive. I am still recovering and its been 3 years.
Thank you for your very helpful videos. Yes there are some extremely manipulative people out there I have seen some palette of variations already on Facebook and chat rooms. I have cried many hours because of being bullied and also just from grief over some people's viciousness. But the crying was cleansing and I learned a Lot from those encounters and observations. It's all a learning and healing process.
Thank you I was in a 12yrs relationship with one . From 1997.married from 2003 till 2010 .one child..I left when the devaluing got too much.Worked out what he was 4yrs after leaving when I started looking at how I was gravitating to him and the patterns we had then realized my mother was one also. Free and well away from both and life is great 10yrs later.
I dated a person just like this for over a year. Subtle guilt trips were the flavor of the day. She lied, misrepresented her self, also said she was an empath. But constantly needed me to prop her up and talk her through tough times. Very subtle mind game artist. Thank God we're done.
Rebecca everything you have mentioned in that book is exactly what I've been going through right now many many years with this narcissist. I'm not married to her but living with her. right now she's very nice and loving side due to the virus and the quarantine here in Florida that we're going through even her own son can't handle her so I found myself being the wedge between the Sun and her I have allowed myself trying to fix it actually being sucked in to a very very soul sucking narcissist leech.and people don't realize these particular individuals are very smart very convincing my personality is helping people and sometimes I block things out that should be looked at a lot closer that's what caused a lot of problems in my life thinking I can fix it but to your point I'm describing a narcissist has really helped me become stronger know exactly what to say and I'm working on an exit stage left.
I don't have alot of money raising 2 year old twins, one of which is special needs, and now navigating the family court system considerably less. Never the less I just had to stop your video at time stamp 6:30 and order that book. I don't have much time to read as you can imagine lol but i need all the help I can get right now. Meanwhile I keep trying to watch as much from your and others and try to retain the knowledge (this is a 7 year relationship with passive-aggressive covert that not only is costing me health and sanity, but also drove off my daughter just after the twins were born). I just count myself lucky that a year ago I actually saw his gaslighting ways....
OMG. After 7 years with a covert narc I had a breakdown. I never knew what a narc was until I discarded him. I’m still having trouble with the trauma bond. It comes and goes - I feel like I’m doing great and moving forward then I miss him. I have broken NC twice in 7 months. No more. I have to stay strong
My narcissist took me to a rock concert. We were walking in and the gate guard lady asked me what I was doing with that guy as I’m so pretty I could get anyone. He pipes up and said “ you should see her with her sunglasses off”! He was pissed he wasn’t the center of attention. I was mortified.
The first time he made a devaluing comment I shrugged it off too. The second time NOT so much the third time I was like in my mind hit the road jack............... Now when I happen to run into him in town I just keep any conversation short. As soon as he makes a comment about something he knows I LOVE he says I have no interest in that. My next comment is well I guess this conversation is over then and walk away. I live in a tiny town of 160/170 people so it is not uncommon to run into him every month or so. He is also my almost next door neighbor. AND then another way I get my own digs back because now the tables have turned and I am just screwing with him as he is/was trying to do to me except I am onto him is when I want to get away without seeming rude I say I have to scoot I have an appointment. He always asks with WHO and I just say "Oh it is nothing you would be interested in." Paybacks. I know not nice of me. I d it anyway.
Just making some notes for myself, it might help others too: 6:38 - 8:06 reading from book the charactaristics of the covert narcissist including: Silant rage - witnessed this alot in him. I kept thinking I did something wrong and something wrong with me, because I wasnt clear why he would often more and more act hostile glaring and distant ... Projecting their own issues on to you - which caused me to feel guilty and 'soul search' my actions, i.e. you are lying, wanting something /using him, negative energy, only loved him like a crush... etc, to asking myself for example, I dont think Im lying, is there a grain of lying there, & if not what is making him think so, etc... Emotionally disconnected - this confused me more I noticed over time, and obviously because I questioned it more he became angry. I questioned myself if it was just because he said later he had a "fear of commitment" which later more I asked it seemed like he wanted all the benefits and investment of a relationship, without being in one or taking any responsibility for it, and would drop and go at any time for example if something better came along, or was it because he was trying to "fix" me from my traumatic past & if he couldnt 'fix or improve me' there was no point in the (what felt like an) exchange ... and even consulted his friends behind my back, which he came back with how poorly they thought of me, like I only feel 'sorry for myself' thats why I cant move on from past traumas... and then made me feel awful at the so called "breakup" that 'he didnt know what he was getting himself into' 'I was a mistake' 'he cant help me' 'nobody will ever want me' and 'you cant help someone who doesnt want to help themselves' - which made me feel awful and I believed I was at fault and broken at the time and I thought I was the cause of the breakup of the relationship, by questioning him and starting to slowly vocalise more and more my discontent which obviously he 'didnt get' and wasnt used to, so obviously I was the problem.... Withhold recognition, ruin birthdays - this. Not just recognition they withold, but also apoligies & gratitude. Mixed messages to the point you doubt your sanity, 'poking' at unrelative times about your past and 'your problems' for no apparant reason which almost felt like sheer bullying, which I chose most of the time to stay silant about , until it felt was getting too much... which I guess he was used to me just 'bouncing back' so I became a problem, because I "couldnt even take a sarcastic joke" because everything leading up to the sarcastic joke made it irritatingly more than just "a sarcastic joke" , if you get me. Emotionally immature, strings attatched (the whole friendship/so called relationship felt like it was all built on strings attatched). Controlling the direction of most things it felt like. Dizzying conversationalist - this, to the point I had no clue where we stood if this was a friendship or a relationship, interpreting a word (that can be easily understood as hurtful) said to something else, and using spiritual notions to blurr the lines ... which causes confusion and questioning if this was only a miscommunication, or was it just me misunderstanding and not on the same wavelength, but most people arnt so confusing, maybe its because hes from a differant culture and background and so am I and I just didnt get it, for example.. They dont make love they take it, - feelings and romance and emotions are "iffy", no actual desire to get to know you. Using control and manipulation, and silant 'teach you a lesson' type attitudes, e.g. you text first, stonwalling or going silant if you said something they dont like until you 'come round' (see their way) will they continue talking to you again. Etc. :/ And here he convinced me and I was willing to except I was the problem :/ Which caused me to give in, and apoligise and overlooking my own needs or justification, self worth and needs, or the right to feel a certain way about certain things... it was like he was mentally guiding me to where he (hes always right, hes the 'healthy one' in the relationship, no?). You have respect thier boundries not yours. People dont get it - thats the worst part. I felt this 💔
@En Savoir PLUS Short and nicely said. 💕 But to be honest Im too scared to trust, to find love after all this. Its left me shaken in many ways. And thank you for your well wishes 💕
100 percent on Target Every description correctly described Thank you for sharing and shining a light on these behaviors Hardest thing for a caring person to do... We need to learn to "just say NO" Then run 🏃♂️ their like vampires Every word 🙌 💯 👏 👌
The covert I am divorcing would always bring home the wrong items from the store I had asked for, or wrong food from a drive thru, but it would only be my meal out of 4 meals that was wrong. A favorite of his was to buy me flowers he knew I hated vs buying me less expensive favorite flowers. He would also buy me gifts that were cheap knock off's or something not even close to what he knew I wanted. I always ended up donating that stuff to get rid of it. He brought up divorce multiple times in last three years but was too coward to ever file so I finally did. He didn't think I would follow through on my threat when I said I was calling a lawyer. Now mid divorce and court dates postponed due to covid 19, stuck in home 24/7 with him.
Sounds familiar. That's what they do!! Go no contact as much as you can, or 'grey rock' , give no information what you're going to do etc. Good luck. (TH-cam: The Little Shaman Healing)
I'm in the same situation. Every day for the past 15 years of marriage I've had to try so hard to maintain my sanity. There is no end to his acts of passive aggression - I have them each and every day, throughout the day. I used to ask him why does he do this or that when he knows it upsets me. I was accused of being neurotic, too sensitive or he'd belittle me. Only in the past year or so I have learned about narcissism through my family doctor who also knows him. He told me never to react to him, even if I felt murderous inside, because they love to see us hurt or angry - it's their oxygen. I can't stand to stay married to this soul sucking monster any longer and filed for divorce in January. Covid-19 has changed the pace of everything. It will pass. Stay strong, stay determined and don't react - easier said than done I know but arguing them is exhausting for us and ecstacy for them. I wish you well, stay safe. 💕
My sister is a covert. They feel the need to be the biggest victim in the room while at the same time being the hero in the story. Been no contact for about 2 years. Happy me!
So true, well said.
It started out me feeling sorry for him in his wrinkly clothes. I didn't know that was a big part of his MO
Sounds histrionic kind of.
My brother in your sister’s clothes.
Now I can breathe again.
Bless your heart ❤️
This is a “friend” of almost ten years. She finally removed herself from my life because I of course was the bad guy when I stood up for myself after her ridiculous attack on me and how horrible I am. She did me a favor!!!
Yep looks squeaky clean to the rest of the world . Everything is always some else's fault . Every point spot on .
@@SierraAspenAutumn me too……I have screamed soooooooo many times………….
What he/she missed out on is your fault. What he/she went without is your fault. Even the things they don't/didn't appreciate is your fault. Etc etc
100%
Also he describes me as this horrible lying cheating blaming fake non accountable creature,
Lol , he hates all those qualities that are all his ,
Folks I'm getting a mirror , and holding it up to him
True..all the women will say You have such a good husband...if only they knew the truth
Truer words were never spoken. You want to scream at the top of your lungs, and then, projectile vomit.
Yeah he nice to them cause they are crazy lol
Yes Lord that's part of their facades they have on a mask literally & daily they don't want the outside world to know the Real them the one the family knows behind theirs walls of horror & the kids are the most vulnerable to it they at any age these babies didn't ask to be @ this monstrous madness my heart breaks more & more for them Lord especially if they are at a age where they can remember Jesus :-( & they love to prey on the next victim to believe their manipulating calculating dangerous world of lies & the older they get the crazier they get & its 10x worst if they are an addict drugs,alcohol or sex
If you ask my wife's friends they'll say she has a terrible husband.
Even members of my own family will tell you that.
As I swim lonely in the depths of depression.
How about when the Narc is a woman/wife. Same scenario. They don’t know the truth.
It's like finding yourself living in an episode of
The
Twight Light Zone
Absolutely
Am dealing with this stuff I've had threats from theses people I've had men out. Side my home phone calls had to change my number threats to kill me some of theses people are mediums some I don't even know am trying to stay safe and have nothing to do with theses people I don't even want them in my life
Yes!
Yeah! I used to have nightmares that everyone turned into a vampire.
@@dianerobinson681 I’m sorry you’re dealing with that crap, it’s bizarre how many there are . Hugs and peace to you.
I just got out - Thank God! It felt awful, no empathy, no conflict resolution, no mercy, just trying to destroy me to have control. Others did not believe me but its OK to just trust yourself and how YOU FEEL around them. Mine put broken glass on the floor so I cut my foot when I woke up. Nice , huh!
Wow
I noticed that the narcissist i live with turned the gas on a burner on a stove as he went to work. He didn't cook that morning, the gas on the burner was turned on.. They're a really poisonous group.
I feel like my aunt is one and my cousin is a flying monkey but no one believes me and everyone thinks I’m paranoid. It’s pushing me to suicide honestly because I feel obligated to be with my family
100% perfectly described my mom- Me and my dad have been searching forever for what she has or is or what is causing it. She had us convinced that we were the problem.
Ditto. I've been searching for 20 years when I first discussed her with a therapist, but she suggested a personality disorder and nothing I read fit the bill. Even worse, my father is also a narcissist, but the obvious kind. I parted ways with my 70-something mother last year and haven't heard from her since. She has poisoned my siblings and father against me so I have no family anymore. It was a strange dispute today out of nowhere (lots of twisting my benign basically) with a woman I know that brought me to this video. I just keep attracting these types, unfortunately. I know who I want to be around, but can never find them. Hang in there and you are not the problem.
Exactly, they will slowly and very subtly start to belittle you. Slowly it increases and when you try to set boundaries they become furious and accuse you of abusing them The gas lighting combined with the false facade of vulnerability (they have depression, PTSD, are being harassed by a Shakespearean villain etc etc) and a false facade of empathy (their hearts bleed for babies dumped in rubbish bins, starving women in they happen to meet on the street, exploited street monkeys , dogs in animal shelters etc etc but no real adult person that they really know and have a relationship with) and the hidden rage that keeps coming out ... Oh yes spare me from these lunatics and predators.
Unfortunately they leave scars emotional,mental and even physical. They make sure you will never forget them .soul suckers, survive by destroying your id . True definition of a demon at work 'a narcissist '
Exactly
@MT - you can forget them and easily too if you just remind yourself how luck you are to have ESCAPED for GOOD. If you are still finding hard to forget them then you have not filled your life with enough good things and are giving them too much of your LIFE or are hanging on to the desire for revenge (which I completely understand given the $h!t they make you go through) but that’s when I remind myself that being obsessed with someone and letting them consume your life is like drinking the poison yourself and wanting someone else to die - My advice: Leave them exactly where they are and to their own devices and they will detonate their own selves with their self-destructive unrepentant souls. That is the Destiny of those who abuse other Souls without remorse because they suffer from the delusion that they are god. And when you compete with the Real God of this Universe He has an amazing way of putting you in the place where you belong and giving you what you have earned and what you deserve.
I felt this so deeply. Heard things like "I want you to remember this". I'm building myself back up from 14 years of experience with a covert. He seems so lost. I'm an empath. I trusted him. We have 3 children. He used me up and now he is done. I'm left picking up the pieces of myself. He is so cocky but in private he is a victim. His life isn't fair. He wants to be famous. Asks me all the time if he is famous. He has deployed and was an infantry soldier. I have been with him since high school. Says he is leaving me because I never helped him. I've always been a housewife. Every time I have worked I missed days because of him or get fired because he gets in my head about other co workers. He creates alot of stories in his head. He knows nothing about me. I know everything about him. He blames his TBI and all this other crap. He has me so isolated no friends. Makes me hate my family. He can screw over me and everybody and I have to forgive him but hate whoever he hates. He got jealous of my brother helping me and called his ex and told her he was on drugs. Now he isn't allowed to see his kids. All because he helped me. He wants nobody to be better than him. He lost a fitness contest and couldn't believe he lost. Tried to blame me lol He tries to get in my head. Were not divorced but he went and got the papers and has had them in our truck for a year. He can love one second and hate the next. Looks at me and says your boring. He loves to toy with me. I'm married to a fucking child excuse my language. So immature and emotionally unstable. He just takes. I dont know if I can keep allowing his behavior. The self centeredness affects our children. They feel like its always about Dad. He manipulates them to tell him the truth or forces them to lie. He always believes his own stories. I over medicated myself for years to the point of having to go to detox. His Dad covers for him. Its always poor him. If he gets violent with me his dad is like dont call the cops. Its just insane what I have dealt with. Its so damaging. He will pinch my arm and ask me of im telling people his business. He can't have kids anymore and he hates that. Its demasculating for him I guess. So many guys go through that and he lives in denial. He is addictive person. He goes to the gym all hours of the day or night. Obsessed with his body and his image. Lies about his profession. Its sad because he has potential. He needs treatment and therapy and he just won't. Now that we're both sober I can't handle it anymore. He just woke up 2 weeks ago and said he wants a divorce. I feel like I stay with him because he is all I know. He says its because I'm using him. He accesses me of making fake accounts to talk to him. Like dont flatter yourself I dont even want you here. I just want you to be there for your kids. He is out of control. He has never been this crazy and lost before. I feel like its very hard for him to be sober and to have a cookie cutter life that many would dream about. He has everything to be happy and its never been enough for him. He wants to travel and he will complain about his life in front of our children and makes them feel sad. He tells the kids I was on drugs
Everything is a competition. He is so confusing. This is the longest episode ever a good 2 weeks right now that he actually left to his parents house. He does stupid things and expects forgiveness and finds ways to blame me. Only I am so strong these days and my boundaries are strong and people like you are educating me more and I appreciate it. Now I know how to have control over my life and this crazy marriage we have. Talking about this with people who understand has strengthened me. Make a video on how to co-parent with a narcissist please!
Married 17 years now to one and I'm an Empath. You hit the nail on the head with the description. Not ready to leave but in emotional pain every.single.day. It's become worse over the years and I love your comment about small drips - that's exactly it! Feels really good to not feel alone right now. I have two children I stay for.
I stayed for because of my child who is now 15 and it's finally time to get the hell away from this horrible man, I knew things were bad when I was in the marriage but now that we are in the process of divorce I feel 100% certain that it is the best thing for me and my son. Good luck and I hope you find the courage to leave someday.
My motto is: MOVE ON AND STAY STRONG. I left my 13 year marriage after horrible isolating abusive Soul sucked, emotionally starved life from him and took my 2 kids with me. He had/has gambling addiction and left me broke, had to find the strength and means to get away. It wasn't easy and to make matters worse, we worked same office bldg and the smear campaign was intense. Added to this, was narc mother and dysfunctional family, so no support from any of them either. Moved to nearby new city w kids. Didnt know anyone. Was very hard to do without ant support from anywhere. My faith got me through it and I slowly gained more strength once he was out if my life and not able to suck me dry. There was no YOU tube then for learning and support. His mother, and especially his sisters (of whom I was loving, kind , supportive and played a responsible role in their lives, therefore helped give them more needed freedom) turned their backs on me too. I never had a sister, only two horrible brothers, so they were like my own younger sisters by 5 and 6 years younger....all adults then..didn't matter, I was the bad one in their eyes for leaving. I stayed strong and knew in my heart that I did the right thing, and I was free! Day by day I still grew stronger. What a wonderful feeling. After a few months, a family "friend" who was my only support system for years, decided he was entitled to a relationship with me now that I was separated, when I told him I only think of him as friend, he went into a rage, threatened my life, then stalked me for months...during this same time, I had just weeks prior gone through an attack and threat on a work call and so once again, zero support..even my workplace response was to down play it and sweep it under carpet and then proceeded to treat me horrible in hopes I'd quit so they could hide what happened. I needed to keep my benefits and pension in tact and was too shooken up and traumatized to find other work in this condition as well..so I had to stay at this job and endure more. My kids needs were met and I kept a roof over their heads and food on the table and clothes on their backs. We made our own fun. My ex way underpaid child support so it was still almost entirely on me to provide financially, as it had always been only on me to work full time, raise kids myself, and keep a spotless house..no change there expect the addition of helping my kids adjust to new home, New school, New friends and a broken family. This was hard since I was so beaten down from every aspect. My point here is this, I did it..years later I am in a healthy 17 year relationship and my kids are happy healthy adults living productive lives in their own relationships. I also helped raised my new common law husbands two kid's into happy adulthood as well. You count, your life counts, your happiness counts, you have to try to move on stay strong..NEVER go back to your ex no matter what tactic they might try. YOU CAN DO IT.Dont allow any further abuse and your life to be full of regrets and devalued. There is freedom, peace , happiness and love waiting for you. Also life's ups and downs too..no one gets a free pass, but when you feel whole inside again, you can cope much Bette with any further downs of life, and when you have regained self love and self respect, you just mug add a new healthy balanced Happy relationship to help you share life's new ups and downs, Good Luck dear M Mandy...YOU CAN DO THIS! ! ! Sending uou a big strong and loving hug and every wish for your inner strength and happiness. BTW. Contrary to what you might think, kids are not better off in an unhealthy environment just because you don't want them to come from a broken home, believe me, it's been broken all a long and kids already know and feel it. Seeing an abused parent take a stand against it will make your child see and identify right from wrong and become a better person growing up too.
jeeez that sucks. I'm an Empath too. It is rough. The good and honest people... we are rare.
🙏🏾
It's hard but you have to find a way to leave. Me and my ex share a child but I couldn't take it anymore. Each day, week, month, year will keep getting worse. If you don't your mind and health will continue to deteriorate and will be harder to care for the kids. I really feel for what you going through I did 11 years myself
The worst feeling for me was that after all his abuse, all my efforts to try and heal our relationship and then heal myself when I realized that wasn’t possible, he goes into a smear campaign to tarnish me and calls me the abuser. It’s very painful. I’ve been in therapy for years and he won’t step foot inside a therapists office, all I ever did was love him. The level of gaslighting is so painful. Still working through to surviving.
Ofcourse they wont see someone, they think they are perfect and can do no wrong. Best to not waste time with people like that. Let them rot away in their own little sad world. Hope you keep on trucking thru, get a dog they help!
I had the audio book playing and my son and I could NOT believe how this lady was describing my husband who she had never met. It was HEALING and validating for my son. It transformed his mind about how it really was about his dad, not him.
Do you divorce him
Cinda, I thought she wrote the book for me too and describing my husband. However, having experience with a narcissist in my family, I now see my own narcissistic traits. I am going to write them down but I started holding myself accountable immediately!!!!❤
Covert narcs, IMO, are the most dangerous people on earth.
@@RebeccaZungEsq you need to love yourself!
You are a closet narc spouse.
Come out already the blood is warm!
DEFinitely.
@@Echoversedot evil
Yes! Definitely the sneakiest ones!
My Mom is a covert narcissist. She is also “allergic to electricity” like Chuck McGill which is a strange sub-type of covert venerable narcissists. She is also a “sovereign citizen” and believed the laws don’t apply to her because she is a narcissist. My twin brother, 41, is her golden child and I was/am her scapegoat. It’s toxic. We are estranged which is a sad necessity.
Rebecca, thank you. I am a primary caregiver to my now severely disabled Mom. I have learned a lot in the last 2 weeks. 2 weeks ago I did not even know what a Narcissist was honestly. Now I realize this. I was raised by a Toxic Narcissist of a single Mother. I met a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist who did every single thing to me you described. When I met her 11 years ago I met my inlaws (Her Mother a classic Exhibitionist Narcissist & Dad is a Toxic Narcissist) My wife asked me for a Divorce 3 months ago because my Narcissistic Supply had come to an end (As well as the money) Now I am about to loose my house, my retirement funds., etc....BUT I am slowly getting my sanity back.
I had always heard about "passive aggressive" behaviors.
You can encounter them in normal people in day-to-day living.
HOWEVER, Narcissists take Passive Aggression to a "whole nother" level.
The difference is that the Cluster B will jab you at regular intervals.
Any single jab seems insignificant (you ask yourself "did that just happen?"); but cumulatively the jabs cut deep.
To my dismay, I am realizing that we are surrounded by Narcs. And so it's a constant fight to become a better individual. I am understanding and appreciating the critical importance of No Contact. Blessings
I have learned so much from your videos. It's amazing that I have lived with a covert passive aggressive narcissistic wife all these years. Now we're going through divorce. It is so crazy that you can still love someone who has done you so wrong.
I was married to a covert narcissist for 25 years, and got divorced 5 years ago. We have 4 children together and to this day it still hurts that I had to break up our beautiful family. I still love this man, but I know he almost broke me completely and I did the right thing. Will this ever heal? 😢
@@Josefien59 I know it will heal. I had a relationship that was only one year long, but I put my whole heart into it. Took me 13 years for my heart to get over that relationship. The day my heart was healed and I was no longer affected, I was SO SO happy. He was GONE, out of my heart. It was SUCH a relief! You will get there. I think Louise Hay has been a tremendous help in my life. Unfortunately I'm still married to a passive aggressive covert narcissist (took me 14 years into the marriage to figure out exactly what he was), but I have faith I will get over him given time and self-help work/therapy. There are more of us empaths out there. Most of us I think are in tumultuous relationships. Jesus Christ has helped heal me. His atonement at gethsemane and sufferings and death were for everyone who believes in Him. I know this to be true.
Oh Jesus! I think you just explained my 25 year marriage that I had to finally extricate myself from or die. I am not exactly an empath but I was most certainly with a narcissist. And it took me so long to get past the push me away and pulling me back so fast my head would spin constantly off balance. He was so insecure while being one of the most vain people I had ever met in my life. The biggest liar, the most manipulative all of the superlatives!
I just feel there is !a global pandemic of nasty narcissists out there. I am thankful for platforms like this and thank Rebecca for sharing her candid personal and professional experience. It has been invaluable to me. The more people have an awareness about them the better chance they have to protect themselves, their health and their well being. Praise be for the gift of this and similar platforms. Amen. To Rebecca a heartfelt thanks, you will never know the help and support you have provided for me.
There is. Social media and society reward them.
"Passive-Aggressive" totally describes my narc husband. In fact, I figured out that he's P-A years before I realized he's a narcissist.
Thank you for bringing up the coffee example! My narc always "forgot" or "never received the text" that we needed baby formula or anything I/babies needed. Or the time I worked on our kid's Halloween costume for days. He told me it was such a waste of time. He left it in the car before the competition and he refused to walk 20' to get it from the parking lot -- 20 feet away and he refused. He saw me sewing and working on it for days, but told me he decided it wasn't important. I asked him for the car keys so I could retrieve it. He told me no and that "sitting and talk to his parents" (who we see all the time!) is more important than walk back for the outfit and that I needed to get my priorities straight! Little twists of the knives should have clued me to the bigger things around the corner. PSA-- Listen to your gut. Run now. Run fast. It only gets worse.
There would have been a broken car window and my kids would have their costumes.
@@sandrasmith6430 lolololololol....
Freaking fantastic share 👏 🎯⭐ 🥺
Oh man…that is nasty
Oh god what a horrible man they don’t care about their own children that is the only thing keeping me with him, I know that if I leave him he will purposely put them in danger or abuse them physically. Try explaining this to a judge how you don’t trust your own ex husband to care for your kids. I am a baker lol I taught myself and honestly they are perfect all my baking. Well, he will refuse to try anything I make he will see a cake dome plate filled with fresh baked good that I spent hours making during the night and he wont come near them. One time one of our children was car sick and my husband used that time to pinpoint that maybe my baking made him sick. I was so mad but tried not to react. My son was just car sick from playing his nintendo in a moving car!
I have one for you my husband goes to my favorite jewelry store every Christmas and buys me what asked him not to buy every year to hurt my feelings. Like to make sure I know that I’m not important and he doesn’t care about me all very passive aggressive. This is a little place that has unusual stuff kind of artistic stuff. I told him I have enough gold loops so could you get me something else?? Every year I open the one gift he buys I do all the other gifts ! So last year he put my gift under the tree while he was at work I opened it guess what was in it?? You guess it gold loops !!!! I found the receipt on the dresser I returned them buy a way nicer gift a necklace that was a little more money more that the 50.00 he spent on me. Had the girl wrap it in the same paper the other one was in I take it home and drop it in the gift bag under the tree.So on Christmas I open it and I’m so surprised I say thanks you hon it beautiful I love it you should have seen his face !! He say but ... that’s not what I bought you. !!!!! I said what difference does it make he’s like well someone else will very disappointed when the don’t get the gift we’re supposed to get . It’s funny this man has never in his life care about someone else getting the short end of stick in his life . He was disappointed because he didn’t get to hurt me on Christmas. I love Christmas it my favorite holiday. I love buying gifts for people and the kids. His Christmas fun was seeing the hurt look on my face the sick bastard !!
Rebecca Zung Yep you have get away from them.
It’s very insidious because when you try to explain it to others it makes you feel crazy because they hurt you in very subtle ways. If you don’t leave him I’d recommend acting like you don’t want what you really do want and trick him into getting what you really want if that makes sense.
My CN ex used to use gifts as a way to make digs at me and show me how little I mattered. Once I told I wanted a ruby tennis bracelet for a big anniversary. For my birthday, he bought a cheap bracelet at Overstock. When I didn't get the message, he made sure he pointed out how cheap the stones were. Another time, he gave me a diet cookbook when I weighed all of 120 lbs. I was so dense that I didn't take his gifts as the insults they were meant to be and always acted happy to get his insult gifts. When we separated, I gave him back the cheap bracelet through the lawyers and got rid of the diet cook book.
@@Bahbahlatje wanna hear something crazy? A few years ago while in Tennessee for Thanksgiving with his family (and for both my sons and my birthday right after) he bought me this REALLY weird necklace. It was hideous. It featured a silver cage with a silver bird perched inside and you can open the door. How symbolic! I NEVER wear it and i refuse to. He had told me just last year "this isn't a prison, you can go whenever you want" but also has told me many times before "i don't NEED you here, i CHOOSE to have you here." I can't do this anymore......
OmG , how can you still live under the same roof with a devil? How is that possible? Are you economically dependent?
I’ve got the chills.. 14 year war (marriage) with this exactly.. I’m stunned and want to cry… she checks every box and does everything you describe..
7 years relationship with this type i almost died . I am 3 months out but he still tries to run this game. Working on me and healing. Thank you for videos. He took on my entire personality almost alienated me from my friends. I am an empath. You describe every thing I undured.
I could have used you from 2015 - 2020. Hellish divorce and we had nothing! Thank you for your videos.
great information, thank you... having a narcissistic family member is so exhausting... the trauma is real it is so sad... the behavior does not change!
I know what you mean, my sister in law is an extreme covert narcissist. horrible to deal with.
@@dannysze8183 right... best wishes... I am disengaged with my mother... I live about 1300 miles away by design...
@@craigmerkey8518 omg, I cannot believe what would it be like if your parents are narcissist. god bless.
They are so great at dishing out disappointments. I got so that I never revealed what I liked or wanted because of the passive aggressive behavior. It hurt even worse to see him dishing out to our children.
Debbie's book was eye opening for me, i have yet to read a more accurate description. Especially the chapter on sex, none of the other books talk about this issue and sex is such an important part of a romantic relationship. I thank myself daily for leaving him, these people are extremely destructive. Great video, thank you!!
Camille Do you smile everyday morning that you wake up and he’s not there...I do. After 20 years I never thought I’d be so happy. God shields us when you let him in your heart.
That's the best description of a narcissists I've heard....chocolate bunny that's empty inside! That made me crack up. I used to work with a lot of narcissists as a psychotherapist years ago. It was so hard because they have trouble tolerating looking at themselves during the therapy process, so they usually jet.
Oh my God yes
That kinda makes me want to give my stbnex a hollow bunny for our anniversary next year (we will be divorced by then)
I wish all this information was more available back in the 80s when I was victimized and almost destroyed. Now I have learned what happened, and what within me led to being involved with this person, and have an understanding of what drove the person. Healing has taken place, and I am moving on with more awareness.
That was a really clear definition. I could picture a person clearly when you were describing the traits of a covert passive aggressive narcissist! Great video!
Want to point out that someone can have many toxic traits, especially passive aggression, and be guilty of gaslighting, and the 4 horeseman of the apocalypse, avoidant attachment, yet still not be a covert or narcissist. That's the enigma I've faced for 6 years now. It's finally reached its boiling point...
Excellent work,accurate reflections of this illness.A true pandemic of our times and unlike any physical illness whereby it can seen via the naked eye,narcissism cannot.Always the first indication is a personal feeling that something isn't quite right here,trust that feeling as it will ultimately save you.
Going berserk at the end of the relationship is spot on. This person totally lost it, became verbally abusive and from my perspective went crazy. All the little passive aggressive digs that made me question myself came to light in a validation to myself that I was not the crazy one in the relationship.
Mine isn't ranting at all. In fact, there has been zero resistance when I said we should split up...none at all.
Wow. That description is my ex narc exactly! She follows the narcissist play book so perfectly it is scary. I had no idea a person like this ever existed. Hopefully I never encounter one ever again.
This is a spiritual warfare these people are so evil !
Wow, I feel like I'm in a spiritual batte with one now! Even when he's not here I fel Luke he's spirit is watching and haunting me
I agree. 💯
Amen it 100% spiritual these people are SOULLESS
@@lissyspice24, it's absolutely spiritual warfare and their spirits don't leave just because you break up with them. I had the same experience with my covert nex after he moved out. The demonic spirits over him lingered for a while...felt like I was being watched in my own home. Especially at night, I could feel a presence standing over me while I slept. My dear, you need to prepare yourself a prayer, anointing oil, and read Psalm 91 aloud as you anoint your house...every doorway, window, mirror, cupboards, vents, etc...any entry point where demons can enter or hide. I won't even get into the things that were suddenly happening in my house after he left that never happened before. But I will say it took me 4 tries over 6 months anointing my house before they finally left and for me to be at peace. They are very stubborn demons. Might I add that I was saved a couple months before my nex and I separated so that didn't help...I just pissed off satan even more by becoming a follower of the Lord 😄.
So evil!! I’m dealing with one in my life and I have been saying “she’s evil!!” But never knew what it was
"I never said that." YES, time after time I think to myself, this isn't worth a divorce but it builds up over time
Yes…the little red flags build up over time and together make up a great big flapping flag telling us to get out!
Ms. Zung, Great job on breaking free of the two covert narcissist.... I am very proud of you.... The smarter you are, you will always attract narcissist in your mist.... Narcissist survive off of our confidence.... I finally broke free from my ex narcissist boyfriend, fortunately I am a 'Super Empath', so I survived it.....
Me too :)))
Super empath 😂🤣😂😅
I keep hearing they have very little self esteem or self worth, however I also notice and observe that they appear to have the most self esteem and self worth. I get that it's a facade but how on Earth do they appear to be so incredibly confident? They appear to be very giving, caring, the nicest people in the world on the surface. Sometimes I see glimpses of caring but often wonder if that, too is an illusion.
Because their emotional responses are that of an unmatured brain. Their frontal cortex and amygdala balance is off. Their real lack of empathy is off and their actions tend to be that of a child wanting more than he/she knows what is acceptable. It makes them feel an selfish entitlement. These people only see themselves as deserving. and constantly look for bailouts since they are nearly incapable of taking mature action on their own. It's an easy way to pass the buck/blame and play the pity deserving game. Behind the scenes they sabotage joy by minimizing anything good accomplishments you may attain and feel they are superior to you. Sadly, I learned this the hard way and at a young age caring for a close family member. I know this person had trauma in their past so kept excusing it until I realized this person has to take on responsibility for their own actions to and get professional help if they want. I still feel love for this person and always hope to see a change for better. To this day, this person still minimizes my accomplishments, demonstrates angry bouts, and loves to dominate our conversations. However, I've learned a few tools to diffuse the irrational responses and maintain my own measure of peace. That said: 'I don't recommend this for everyone.' Some have to cut off all ties to remain sane.
Im facing this right now, married for 45 yrs and he has made my life hell. He now claims he sees he has a mental disorder and will move out and help me financially but no trust on my part...numerous affairs and always sorry but not...yikes
@@barbaradewolf7304 so sorry. Im on the same road in life as you. Married 38 yrs. Stayed married for the kids , still raising a 16 yr old. I go in and out of reality, sometimes see that I'm played with false kindness and aggression, and then I feel strong and detach from him , then I get confused and feel I'm this terrible person for months. And those times I feel I'm in hell.
Everyone else is defective, because they're not as superior and as amazing as them!!
The more inferior they feel inside, the more superior they will try to appear on the outside.
It’s an overcompensation
A person at peace with themselves doesn’t feel the need to prove anything
I lived this. I've been free for a year now.
I as well
SMH🎉🎉🎉
It’s been two months for me. I struggle at times but sooooo much better 😆
It’s been 9 months away and I still have bad days. Is that normal?
@@Jumpman90 yes. At least for me. Mine was not a romantic relationship. It was my so called mother.
I cut her out over 2 years ago after she pushed my father (her satellite) to suicide.
It's normal stay strong.
You checked off so many things wow. I was in a relationship for years and kept giving them the benefit of the doubt until something clicked... Now I'm binging all these videos on the topic just so i can know how I can deal with it because now I have to co-parent.
OMG you nailed it! every detail! I am so glad it's over! There was nothing else I could do, because most people thought this person was a Saint...What a sh*t show! I put up, shut up, and moved on when it was time -but the expeienced has stayed with me. Thank You so much Rebecca for helping me put words to this horible experience, it does help put my mind more at ease. "Target," Yes; "Survivor," Yes; "Victim, "Never! Yet still I wonder what is it in me that attracted this person and situation in the first place? I continue to look within, to change that aspect of myself that attracted this person into my life; needless to say, I have learned a lot about myself from this whole experience.
Wow it's astounding... every point on checklist... I've been bamboozled
The idolizing...ugh...if I had a quarter everytime I heard “you’re the only one I’m THIS attracted to”, id retire.
Your not the only one I’m attracted to. Sorry 😐
Love bombing masters..fake
Omg YES!
I got told I am the ugliest person he has ever seen on the inside and outside. He says I disgust him and he hopes I get raped.
This is absolutely tremendous, Thank you so much for this Rebecca, You're absolutely beautiful, You have stupendous understanding, I'm dealing with this type, I'm definitely not going back and I will not be pressured to be with this guy, Peace, love to you Rebecca and everyone, Thank you universe 😀💞💎😊🌈🦄🦄😁😍🧿💫💙🤍♾️⚘️⚘️👁🐉👽✨️😃
I feel free listening to this. I had no idea what I had been dealing with. I am an empath. A member of my family has devastated me. Ha...now I understand. Thank You.
Thank you. Great content!
Being an Empath the constant fatal attraction for Narcissists in life always an infinite struggle and challenge.
I've been a target of one of those! It's not a happy place to be, dealing with a person like that can be a real struggle, and depending on who it is, it's hard to spot them, but we have to, they only take energy away from us
Spot on! They have gaslighting and personas-per-audience down to a fine art...
Covert passive aggressive = nice outer appearance + victim mentality+lacks boundaries +manipulates---> my mother and husband. My husband would raise the window of the car when my hand was in it then I would scream that I could raise my own window and he would say oh sorry but would do it again the next time
This describes my ex perfectly.
That describes my Mother and my soon to be ex wife to a "T".
OMG! My husband had done this to me, when we would go to see our parents ( we live out side city limits) everytime my hand would be outside the window he would roll up the window and act as if he didn't know my hand was there.. but this happens several times..
Mother & husband, also BPD. Dad was the overt. Spent my entire life being manipulated and learning what was happening. Trying to break free at 62...
@@lisavaden9903 See I'm petty and hell hath no fury....you know that saying...."Hurt People Hurt People" I would leave that saying around where he could see it.
I’ve had my share of relationships with narcissists (which is another question.). No one is perfect so... When it comes to these small things that seem like slights I let the first couple go and say nothing; but after the second event I start looking for patterns. When they’re obvious to the point I can predict them I’m gone.
I don’t provide a reason or give them a chance to love-bomb, deny, gaslight, etc., other than it isn’t working for me since I know the tricks they play. At the point where it’s obvious my mind is made up and that’s the end of it. No looking back, no self doubt; but you can only do that if you let things develop on their own and give them the rope to hang themselves.
Perfect! When I found out my new husband was one, I basically just made it look like my fault and said I could never love him the way he needs to be loved. And I don't want to try to make him happy because I can't do it. And I don't want him to try to make me happy because he can't.
So glad this info is getting to be more widely known. I spent decades with one of these very disordered people and was nearly destroyed from the inside out with the drip-drip-drip as you say. The projection is bad enough on its own, but add in all the other stuff and it is just way too much. When you separate or divorce get ready for the smear campaign. Mine is a smearer extraordinaire. Yes that book is so good and covers the patterns with disturbing accuracy.
Love the term "smeared extraordinaire" - it captures the messy malice perfectly...
Also a victim of decades wasted... and wish the info was more widely known in earlier times : TH-cam has shifted the conversation! Best regards
That was SMEARER! !! AUTOCORRECT clearly not familiar with new language adaptations !...
Oh my goodness yes, and it started a LONG time ago yet he still comes back, and then smears me even worse to the people he works with... just to play the victim with them, i feel so stupid for allowing this to go on since we married in 2010
I had no idea our marriage and engagement was an ambush. What a waste of time for both of us. He needed to injure and ambush that badly. The whole relationship was one Ambush after another until I became pregnant, then we ignored each other. Nice nasty, nice nasty that passive-aggressive all the time. What a shame I didn't see this video long ago. 14 years later I'm out, but it's still mind-boggling
Yes, what a pity all this info wasn't available earlier...
Your story is so similar to mine.. Ambushed from the beginning then babies.. I'm out 7 yrs later
Such a good person " that's what people think about them
Your right. I am a magnet for such people. What is real bad is the odd sense of guilt one feels when getting rid of them. Of course by the time one realise the poison of their narsasist has a grip, it is nearly to late, and the effects of the gas lighting has you doubting yourself and the decision you took to get away.
I live with a narcissist that has completely isolated me and financially ruined me. We share an 8 year old together. I have no support system.
Get your mindset ready right now. Think what you need when you are ready to live alone.
Are you OK Tiffany? ⚜
Se I have no family they don't care but they don't pay my bills so it's ok this is no victim 2022🎉🎆
Get away asap
I went toa domestic abuse shelter. They can help you get independence.
Oh Wow! Your description literally was so clear and made me think of a few people in my life! Thank you for sharing this info...
Your channel is amazing. Love your strength and information. Thank You
Berit of Norway « You forgot that they are twofaced , one Facebook for outsiders and one for the family»
They destroy your children, turning the kids against you, saying awful lies about you. THIS IS THE WORST!
It's a trait JUDE VERSE 11 MINDED
My narcastic Jezebel mother has turned my oldest son against me
Exactly! This is the worst. My ex turned my daughter against me and because of this I have lost out going on 4.5 years of a relationship with my daughter. It is painful and the sad part is, I began to start seeing my ex's ways in my daughter so much so that all I can do now is try to stay far away from them. It hurts and I think my ex is pure evil. How can you destroy your own child like that and not even care and still in the end blame everyone else and play the victim. It's just so sick!
Girl your videos are fantastic. I appreciate that concise and direct advice you're offering. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and expertise.
Thanks for describing a passive-aggressive narcissist. I have known one or two, just didn't know how to categorize them.
I’m glad that you mentioned the bully on the playground, because my ex is a covert Narc to a T. I was beginning to wonder when I heard that they’ll fight in divorce court, Because as soon as I stood up to him and filed for divorce, he went completely docile. Occasionally, he’ll start talking crap, but as soon as I confront him on what he said or did, he’d back down. Thank you for all your work. I appreciate it. I’m a new subscriber and binge watched! 👍🏻
Angela it’s amazing the difference you see when you set boundaries. I don’t think either of us recognize one another. He has become this kind victim type and I have boundaries like a boss. The only thing is I’ve seen his mask off and I will never forget it.
Nu Mo Thats how I feel since I’ve glimpsed behind the mask. I finally see who he really is. My advantage is that now I know he’s a narcissist and he doesn’t. 👌🏻
Mine went completely dormant as well after I mentioned splitting up. No narcissistic behavior really at all. Why is this?
How did he behave in court and while going through that whole process? Did he end up being terrible again?
@@lovestolaugh I don’t know why they change, but there was really no court. I filed, he filed his response, we went to a mediator and had everything settled there. We didn’t own house so he got one car I got the other we split the kids 50-50 he paid minimal child support. I got my maiden name back and we signed all the paperwork on his birthday lol
Fifteen years with who I believe is a passive aggressive covert narcissist. Six months out and people still don’t understand. I was never allowed to meet with her friends or work colleagues socially or even weddings. Nothing made sense until the discard because I was in denial. This affirms what I believe. Thank you
I’ve heard that book recommended before but because of this video…I read it today. WOW!! Just when I thought I couldn’t learn anything new about narcissism. I broke down and almost collapsed in tears.
Yep this is the one I had. They just a whole headache full of drama.
REBECCA ZUNG-i lived over 20 yrs with covert-tried to kill me 12 times-i was always in fear and every one thot he was wonderful-he was so evil-i prayed so hard for help and one day 5 yrs ago he got up and dropped dead on couch- i knew the lord helped me. they are sooooo evil. i could write a book on it.-i love your videos -they help me now to go back and listen and to get rid of it as i had ptsd from it-thank you for your videos...
Such a good book. Learned so much and realized I keep attracting these false 'empath' passive aggressive types.
Just bought the book!, I've been sooo used to Narcissists in my life I even picked out the most Narcissistic dog out of the litter! Know your Aussies!! I'm learning a lot from your videos, worksheets, and resources. I can spot the Narc lingo, and baits now, and am happier. Less contact, more peace. I am keeping the dog. He knows who is Alpha, and who feeds him!! Thanks!
I’m definitely learning from your videos. I’ve married 2 covert narcs, my mom is also a narc, you are opening my eyes, I’m about to divorce my second narc wife. I appreciate your hep and allowing me to become aware of what’s really going on.
I like you and enjoy very much to watch your videos. I finally feel validated on a legal niveau when I listen to you. I went through hell when I tried to divorce my husband. He blackmailed me, intimidated me, hided all assets and left me without a cent although I'm a stay at home mom with 2 small children. I live in Austria and here they don't recognize or dont care to recognize this maleficent people and their behavior, in Court. I consulted different lawyers and finally I found one that I suppose was herself a narcisist and after the horrible way she treated me and how she practically told me I'm not entitled to even alimony for my children, I dropped the divorce idea and stayed in the marriage. Senseless to say how down I feel in this encounter called marriage but I also know that I dont have the money and the strength to beat my husband in court so I must endure a few years for my children sakes.
However, your videos and the ones from Dr Ramani are helping me to cope and go on every day.
Thank you !❤
Please know it is not you, and hang on. I have to hang on, unless I want to quit my job right before I'm able to retire.
3 Bosses that I just try to keep my distance, limit my interaction, 1 word responses.
They try to crush our souls, we can't let them !
U go girl! Thx for sharing. I’m a survivor of 1 malignant n 2 coverts. I’m a PhD n still fell for it. I’m now a psychologist n can spot it but still working on my self esteem daily!! ❤️
Thank you for these videos. I worked for a covert narcissist for more than 15 years. I finally had the chance to leave. I am outspoken and my colleagues did not believe me a lot of times. I knew him so well that I am sure my colleagues thought that I was the narcissist one. He really tried to separate us to rule better. I had to manipulate sometimes and lie to him to survive. I am still recovering and its been 3 years.
I've became suspicious of people and keeps my own company more and more to be sure that these situations will not happen again, ever.
I think that’s why I got into a relationship with my ex. She was a single mother with a very sweet daughter. I truly wanted to help them.
I don't feel a victim anymore; I rather feel like I can fight these corrupt people.
Yes “strange world of insanity that one need escape.” Yes Rebecca Zung gave me the words I did not have words to describe that entanglement.
I bought the book and can confirm it's excellent.
Thank you for your very helpful videos. Yes there are some extremely manipulative people out there I have seen some palette of variations already on Facebook and chat rooms. I have cried many hours because of being bullied and also just from grief over some people's viciousness. But the crying was cleansing and I learned a Lot from those encounters and observations. It's all a learning and healing process.
I have definitely been there.
Thank you I was in a 12yrs relationship with one . From 1997.married from 2003 till 2010 .one child..I left when the devaluing got too much.Worked out what he was 4yrs after leaving when I started looking at how I was gravitating to him and the patterns we had then realized my mother was one also. Free and well away from both and life is great 10yrs later.
I dated a person just like this for over a year. Subtle guilt trips were the flavor of the day. She lied, misrepresented her self, also said she was an empath. But constantly needed me to prop her up and talk her through tough times. Very subtle mind game artist. Thank God we're done.
I feel like the narcissist I deal with is a combo of all the descriptions!!
Rebecca everything you have mentioned in that book is exactly what I've been going through right now many many years with this narcissist. I'm not married to her but living with her. right now she's very nice and loving side due to the virus and the quarantine here in Florida that we're going through even her own son can't handle her so I found myself being the wedge between the Sun and her I have allowed myself trying to fix it actually being sucked in to a very very soul sucking narcissist leech.and people don't realize these particular individuals are very smart very convincing my personality is helping people and sometimes I block things out that should be looked at a lot closer that's what caused a lot of problems in my life thinking I can fix it but to your point I'm describing a narcissist has really helped me become stronger know exactly what to say and I'm working on an exit stage left.
You've successfully described BOTH of my parents who have completely DESTROYED my life.
I don't have alot of money raising 2 year old twins, one of which is special needs, and now navigating the family court system considerably less. Never the less I just had to stop your video at time stamp 6:30 and order that book. I don't have much time to read as you can imagine lol but i need all the help I can get right now. Meanwhile I keep trying to watch as much from your and others and try to retain the knowledge (this is a 7 year relationship with passive-aggressive covert that not only is costing me health and sanity, but also drove off my daughter just after the twins were born). I just count myself lucky that a year ago I actually saw his gaslighting ways....
OMG. After 7 years with a covert narc I had a breakdown. I never knew what a narc was until I discarded him. I’m still having trouble with the trauma bond. It comes and goes - I feel like I’m doing great and moving forward then I miss him. I have broken NC twice in 7 months. No more. I have to stay strong
Rebecca I can't imagine someone treating you poorly. You are too beautiful for that.
When she asked me 'do you know how long it's been since you held me?' . I said yea ever since you left me. End of topic.
My narcissist took me to a rock concert. We were walking in and the gate guard lady asked me what I was doing with that guy as I’m so pretty I could get anyone. He pipes up and said “ you should see her with her sunglasses off”! He was pissed he wasn’t the center of attention. I was mortified.
Hope you’re able to get away from him
The first time he made a devaluing comment I shrugged it off too. The second time NOT so much the third time I was like in my mind hit the road jack............... Now when I happen to run into him in town I just keep any conversation short. As soon as he makes a comment about something he knows I LOVE he says I have no interest in that. My next comment is well I guess this conversation is over then and walk away. I live in a tiny town of 160/170 people so it is not uncommon to run into him every month or so. He is also my almost next door neighbor. AND then another way I get my own digs back because now the tables have turned and I am just screwing with him as he is/was trying to do to me except I am onto him is when I want to get away without seeming rude I say I have to scoot I have an appointment. He always asks with WHO and I just say "Oh it is nothing you would be interested in." Paybacks. I know not nice of me. I d it anyway.
Everything you say is exactly how it is !!
I am studying narcissism because I dealt with them for a long time.
Haaahaaa…love it…”hopefully you will live to tell about it.”
You are so awesome.
Omg I'm reading the audiobook now!
People don't have a clue.
@Arin M. Was born with this name
Partiality is causiality period.
They don’t believe you so it’s really scary and lonely
I was beginning to doubt my husband was a true narc until this video...
Just making some notes for myself, it might help others too:
6:38 - 8:06 reading from book the charactaristics of the covert narcissist including:
Silant rage - witnessed this alot in him. I kept thinking I did something wrong and something wrong with me, because I wasnt clear why he would often more and more act hostile glaring and distant ...
Projecting their own issues on to you - which caused me to feel guilty and 'soul search' my actions, i.e. you are lying, wanting something /using him, negative energy, only loved him like a crush... etc, to asking myself for example, I dont think Im lying, is there a grain of lying there, & if not what is making him think so, etc...
Emotionally disconnected - this confused me more I noticed over time, and obviously because I questioned it more he became angry. I questioned myself if it was just because he said later he had a "fear of commitment" which later more I asked it seemed like he wanted all the benefits and investment of a relationship, without being in one or taking any responsibility for it, and would drop and go at any time for example if something better came along, or was it because he was trying to "fix" me from my traumatic past & if he couldnt 'fix or improve me' there was no point in the (what felt like an) exchange ... and even consulted his friends behind my back, which he came back with how poorly they thought of me, like I only feel 'sorry for myself' thats why I cant move on from past traumas... and then made me feel awful at the so called "breakup" that 'he didnt know what he was getting himself into' 'I was a mistake' 'he cant help me' 'nobody will ever want me' and 'you cant help someone who doesnt want to help themselves' - which made me feel awful and I believed I was at fault and broken at the time and I thought I was the cause of the breakup of the relationship, by questioning him and starting to slowly vocalise more and more my discontent which obviously he 'didnt get' and wasnt used to, so obviously I was the problem....
Withhold recognition, ruin birthdays - this. Not just recognition they withold, but also apoligies & gratitude.
Mixed messages to the point you doubt your sanity, 'poking' at unrelative times about your past and 'your problems' for no apparant reason which almost felt like sheer bullying, which I chose most of the time to stay silant about , until it felt was getting too much... which I guess he was used to me just 'bouncing back' so I became a problem, because I "couldnt even take a sarcastic joke" because everything leading up to the sarcastic joke made it irritatingly more than just "a sarcastic joke" , if you get me.
Emotionally immature, strings attatched (the whole friendship/so called relationship felt like it was all built on strings attatched). Controlling the direction of most things it felt like.
Dizzying conversationalist - this, to the point I had no clue where we stood if this was a friendship or a relationship, interpreting a word (that can be easily understood as hurtful) said to something else, and using spiritual notions to blurr the lines ... which causes confusion and questioning if this was only a miscommunication, or was it just me misunderstanding and not on the same wavelength, but most people arnt so confusing, maybe its because hes from a differant culture and background and so am I and I just didnt get it, for example..
They dont make love they take it, - feelings and romance and emotions are "iffy", no actual desire to get to know you. Using control and manipulation, and silant 'teach you a lesson' type attitudes, e.g. you text first, stonwalling or going silant if you said something they dont like until you 'come round' (see their way) will they continue talking to you again. Etc. :/
And here he convinced me and I was willing to except I was the problem :/
Which caused me to give in, and apoligise and overlooking my own needs or justification, self worth and needs, or the right to feel a certain way about certain things... it was like he was mentally guiding me to where he (hes always right, hes the 'healthy one' in the relationship, no?). You have respect thier boundries not yours.
People dont get it - thats the worst part. I felt this 💔
Yes, yes, and yes. Me too! I hear you.
@@christianone6611 ❤
@En Savoir PLUS Short and nicely said. 💕
But to be honest Im too scared to trust, to find love after all this. Its left me shaken in many ways.
And thank you for your well wishes 💕
Debbie's points in her book is SPOT ON!
100 percent on Target
Every description correctly described
Thank you for sharing and shining a light on these behaviors
Hardest thing for a caring person to do...
We need to learn to "just say NO"
Then run 🏃♂️ their like vampires
Every word 🙌 💯 👏 👌
The covert I am divorcing would always bring home the wrong items from the store I had asked for, or wrong food from a drive thru, but it would only be my meal out of 4 meals that was wrong. A favorite of his was to buy me flowers he knew I hated vs buying me less expensive favorite flowers. He would also buy me gifts that were cheap knock off's or something not even close to what he knew I wanted. I always ended up donating that stuff to get rid of it. He brought up divorce multiple times in last three years but was too coward to ever file so I finally did. He didn't think I would follow through on my threat when I said I was calling a lawyer. Now mid divorce and court dates postponed due to covid 19, stuck in home 24/7 with him.
Sounds familiar. That's what they do!! Go no contact as much as you can, or 'grey rock' , give no information what you're going to do etc. Good luck. (TH-cam: The Little Shaman Healing)
I'm in the same situation. Every day for the past 15 years of marriage I've had to try so hard to maintain my sanity. There is no end to his acts of passive aggression - I have them each and every day, throughout the day. I used to ask him why does he do this or that when he knows it upsets me. I was accused of being neurotic, too sensitive or he'd belittle me. Only in the past year or so I have learned about narcissism through my family doctor who also knows him. He told me never to react to him, even if I felt murderous inside, because they love to see us hurt or angry - it's their oxygen. I can't stand to stay married to this soul sucking monster any longer and filed for divorce in January. Covid-19 has changed the pace of everything. It will pass. Stay strong, stay determined and don't react - easier said than done I know but arguing them is exhausting for us and ecstacy for them. I wish you well, stay safe. 💕
more or less 100% accurate to my experience. This is a great explanation. Difficult to describe how these master manipulators weave a web of crazy.