@@willowsayswhat9642 i also broke off with my ex when our son was 2,5. I still loved him, but he was a bad partner and poor father to our child. I was jeopardizing my parenthood by trying to raise a man while the real child suffered our fights. Think in the best interest of your child. Set aside grudges to make arrangements for proper contact between him and his child, if he can live up to them. Eventually my ex didn’t want any responsibility or contact with his son; I am glad i kicked such a coldhearted manchild out. It’s better to have no father than a father that only brings strife in the home.
This is the first video I've seen to confront the superficial way to go about this. He's right, because I tried it all (cutting pictures up, hocking jewelry, deleting old emails, no physical contact, turning down relatives I bumped into, etc.) But I still nursed that pain in my heart.
Not correct. It simply means killing the emotional desires for the person. You don't have to pretend they are dead; that actually shows you still have the resentment if it requires you to go that far but a lot of people aren't aware of that. If you can be around an ex or speak to 1 & u have no emotional interest of them at all, then that's when you have truly killed the "Hope" & you become indifferent.
Yeah I think about the false idea of who they are -- rather than all the ugliness they showed. I am starting to remember the bad times more, and also not hold a grudge.
I think we still hope because we still find the other person attractive. We have to decide, that after a period of time, we are no longer gonna be attracted to someone who didn't value us enough.
I don't find my ex attractive at all. She has become ugly in every way, physically, mentally. I don't recognize her and I find the person she has become to be incredibly repulsive. What I am holding onto is the memory of the person I once knew, once loved, who no longer exists.
Nah. Some of the girls who have been the worst to get over have been mid as F. But the fine ones... I always kept at a distance and on a Huck up basis only. Guess the ones that look like good GFS are seen as such by other lads... so mid always have more interaction with men so they will always see the new grass as greener.
@@chilledchadsounds more like you are projecting your own lack of matureity on others. I’m not saying this to troll you, but beeing addicted to hookups will never get you contentment. That is accepting that nobody is perfect. All people have weaknesses and strenghts. But you need to commit or you will suffer from FOMO for the rest of your life. And this FOMO will attract only insecure people. People who think you are a catch because they think your lack of commitment is a sign of value. But in reality it’s a sign of imatureity/ignorance.
I think often times our hope is tied to a romanticized, fantasy version of that person instead of the reality of that person… once we release that hope we can retrospectively see that they were just an ordinary person that perhaps didn’t even treat us as well as we deserve… at least that was the case for me 😅 thanks for the video!
The fantasy is a projection, but it's not completely fake. It's a part of you, projected onto that person. In a healthy relationship, both people project that idealized version onto each other, and this encourages them both to be the best version of themselves (they try to be the fantasy that the other person wants to see). When a relationship is one-sided, the other person is not interested in being who you want them to be, and you must accept that. But the fantasy tells you something about yourself, and about what you're looking for in a relationship, and why you were attracted to that person in the first place. It's a mistake to disavow your own feelings, because they are not just about the other person. They are really part of you.
That's why no contact is powerful. It's detoxing and going through the withdrawals to gain clarity without the biochemical addiction to the fake person
I just ended a 12 year relationship Yesterday after the woman I love dearly finally admitted she’s turned off by me because I’ve become negative and bitter. She’s 💯 correct. I decided to stop trying to gain her desire from acts of service which never works. It was hard as I’m 51 and always wanted a family and kids but have given up on that and decided to put my needs 1st over others going forward. I feel like a pile of shit but know it’s only temporary as I work to get my mind right and into a state of positivity. Letting go was the hardest part which I’ve already accomplished. Dealing with the internal loss and hope will take much more CONSCIOUS effort. Life can suck at times but it is our duty to self improve and live a life of positivity and peace.
Once you get over the mourning period, you will feel so free from the responsibility of her feelings, and you will rejoice. A burden has been lifted, my friend. Embrace it.
I hope you're doing well, 8 months later. 16 years is a long time to devote to a person. I'm about to turn 40 in June. No kids, never married, but my 4-year relationship during which we got engaged in October, ended this past January. It still stings knowing the person I love doesn't exist and in her stead is someone entirely different.
On point. Make a list of everything you didn't like about your ex. Anytime you find yourself reminiscing, pull out that list and read it. Worked perfectly!
Did the list thing, unfortunately the bad outweighed the good. So ye that does work to avoid a mistake from happening. Been two months strong, and there are days I forget his name due to detoxing the person from my entire life. Just a matter of time
@@hilostateofmind if they dumped you, then have some self respect and let them go. you can reach out if you dumped them but dont expect much, they may or may not take you back.
This is very true. I would just add that if and when your ex returns, by that time you have so much moved on that you are no longer interested in them. Then they may be disappointed. But you cannot do anything, because you had to kill that hope and now all that past magic is gone. And you have a new life with someone else anyway...
It happens. It's happening for me. It is brutal work like he said. And don't beat yourself up when the memories surface. The feeling comes first, then the story. Ignore the story and feel the feeling. It could be grief, sadness, anger. Just feel it, smile and release it. Over and over. It works.
That has been my problem. I knew if I lost all interest in her she would come back and beg to be near me. So that kept me hoping trying to hold space, which actually keeps her from coming back. So fucked up.
I’d add that you can be mindful about pushing the idea of your ex out. It’s certainly good to train yourself to think about an ex less and less, but it’s near impossible to be immune to thinking about an ex. You two opened your hearts to each other and, for better or worse, you two played significant parts in each other’s pasts. A song may come on or you might see a sunset that makes you think of them. In that situation, would you rather mentally shove away the thought and pretend it’s not there (spoiler alert: it still is) or would you rather observe the thought of your ex, give that internal voice the space to speak its mind, and then tell it something along the lines of “That is a great memory, and it sucks that we could not keep our relationship going, but right now I’m enjoying this good song or admiring this beautiful sunset, and whether that person is here or not changes nothing about how good the song/sunset is.”? I’d pick the second. Meditation can help with staying present in these moments and allowing thoughts of your ex to sprout up with them taking root and changing your trajectory.
It’s also important to accept the law of transience. The ex we loved no longer exist. And the fiction in our minds need to go ( the nostaligia, holding on to just the good times etc). Even if our mind struggle to move on. The world ( and people) are always in flux. And our « images, hopes, fantasys» of our selves and others is not the « world as it is». The «right path» is to let go of attatchment of what we can’t control ( other peoples emotions). And instead turn the care, love, esteem to our own selves. This in turn makes us more attractive to others who are open to connect. Because the truth is that this « special person» we fantacise about is not real ( the ego often pedestal the other, or they pedestal the greener grass). The world is full of attractive people, there is no need to create « idols». 100% contentment or perfect partners in our minds. simply don’t exist. The after the first months of « new relationship energy», the ex will also feel familierity and see that the new partner is just a regular human with strenghts/flaws. And have to settle in reality, or they need to search for yet another partner 😂. 100% satisfaction don’t exist. Perfect « zen» or perfect « bliss», is just delusion/fantasy.
This is said so full of love, I feel. I just think Orion's suggestion is a initial cure for the most irrational, hurting and out of control state of letting go. To me, at least, it was good to hear such totality. I am inspired by what you say, by the idea of, once the inevetabilty klicked in, being kind to ourselves.
You certainly can stop thinking about an ex and fully move on. You simply talk as someone who hasn't fully moved on. Perhaps someone who has accepted the end and now has other things going on in life, but definitely not someone who has moved on. There is no way I would think of any of my exes using the romantic imaginery you even described on your post. To me it's almost disgusting to think of an ex (once I truly move on) in any way that could be emotionally connecting or romantic, like, it truly feels so off putting, it's disgusting, and it's almost like the past with them never even existed and wasn't real. And I don't say this as someone who easily moves on, it takes me a long time, and I truly grieve, like I might cry almost daily for 2-3 years and think of them every day, pray for them, wish them the best, think of the most significant moments, the romance, etc., but the minute I finally move on, it's like they were never even part of my life. It's the best feeling because I know if I find the right person for me, I won't be emotionally unfaithful with my past, I truly will be present 100% ready to love. Also, I think if someone isn't the one, they don't deserve a special connection with me. Only the people who permanently choose to walk life with me (the friends, family, etc., who truly stay there until the end, until death temporarily separates us), those are the people who ultimately truly matter to me and to whom I give 100% my loyalty. If you still love an ex, perhaps it's a sign this is the right person and you should be with them. Otherwise, fully move on. Cry and saturate yourself with them so much (rather than avoid thinking of them), until it becomes so clear that they aren't the one, that you snap out of it and fully let go.
Two observations: #1 - The internet makes it very difficult to let go. Before the internet, if someone left you, and you had no kids and no ties, that was it. You never saw them again. Maybe once in a blue moon you might bump into them but that's rare. Today you really must have the willpower to not look them up online. If you look them up on social media, you'll see them with someone else, having a good time, you'll feel hurt, what's that new person got that you don't got, so don't put yourself through it. Have the willpower to not look them up. #2 - More often than not, when they leave you, it really is about them and not you. Sure, if you did something REALLY bad (cheated, physically or mentally or verbally abusive, stole, lied etc) then that's your fault but otherwise don't beat yourself up over trivial mistakes that will occur in any relationship. Your true love will forgive all your little foibles and faults and may even see them as adorable character quirks. Your ex most likely was looking for a level of perfection that doesn't exist. I had plenty of exes tell me I was holding them back from meeting Prince Charming but as far as know, none of them ever met a Prince once they threw me under the bus.
Very good points! Yes, the internet has made it very hard and one must be very diligent about avoiding contact. And yes it is all about them. Many times, we become a filler in their lives. Unfortunately, by the time we learn the truth, we are in too deep and they are planning an exit strategy.
@@johng.4959 Yeap, just happened to me. Included this person in my whole freaking life. She knew my work place, hobbies, friends, favorite places in town, etc, etc, etc. I was dumped through a text message “because” of a miscommunication issue we had. Zero sympathy, zero consideration, zero respect. Didn’t even want to take the gift I brought her from Australia. What keeps me going is reminding myself I would NEVER have done this to her.
@@Theviewerdude This actually doesn’t work, because all that happens is you feel hurt and how much this person didn’t really meet your needs, and then that can even become internalized like, why did I even want to be with this person who treated me this way? The best way to get someone out of your mind is to not have a positive or negative charge about them, because either charge whether positive or negative is still keeps them in your mind, and in your field of awareness. To become completely completely neutral about them, and just stop thinking about them as much better than making a list and obsessing over how awful they were, that’s just keeping them alive.
This is exactly what I needed to hear; I think the simple most important thing you said was that a partner wouldn’t want to come back and meet the same person he or she left. This was extremely insightful 🙏🏾
I have no words to express how much you have changed my life. Thank you so much for your on the point content, which is pretty rare these days I believe.
Best advice ever! I often hear “sit with your pain “ , no! To me, it would mean thinking about this person and it would make things absolutely miserable. Cutting them off on a psychological level is the only thing that works. How good it feels when you actually forget about this person even for a short moment, you feel like you have your life back and even if you’re not happy in the moment, you feel neutral. That feeling of neutrality is so precious. I want to mention another video on this channel saying that you can only let go with love, it’s so true as well. I find it impossible to let go of someone when I’m feeling deeply hurt, it should be easier but it’s actually worse.
People - DON’T LIKE/LOVE people who DON’T feel the same about YOU. It’s simple! Realize that there is a complex chemical process in your brain. NO CONTACT is literally detoxing yourself from the addiction to that person. Realize that you cannot undo the neural pathways that were created to form that addiction. You MUST OVERWRITE those neural pathways with NEW HABITS. Choose those habits WISELY.
💯 People don't understand if they not gone through it. I was with someone Bi-Polar & HIGHLY Narcissistic. Not a good experience for me to say the least. I def learned many lessons about the person I was with and about myself. So much you will go through after you go through a cycle with a Narcissist, Bi-Polar, or someone with mental health concerns. If a relationship with a 'Cluster B' does not kill you or break you, it will ABSOLUETLY make you stronger. IF you do the inner work. I'm still healing & getting closer to indifference, one day at a time. I'm practicing "Radical Acceptance" a lot🙏
This is one of your best videos. You can also apply this to grief because you are terrified to accept the fact that the deceased is forever out of your life; this makes it really hard to move on.
When you authentically let go of any sliver of hope for a reconciliation, rediscovering life without them becomes more exciting and more valuable than any kind of chasing and holding on.
"Only despair can save us." It sounds high-minded, but in fact it is a perfectly rational thought. You have to reach the last depths of despair to shed unnecessary illusions, and then the possibility of action will finally open up.
I have long told people that hope and despair aren't so different, and that I find it a special kind of misery when the only thing I can hold onto is hope. No one understands. I appreciate you saying what I have known since I was a small child.
For me, I stop associating the feeling with a name. I allow myself to feel it, I just label the feelings as what I want in my next relationship. For example, I won’t say, “I miss Troy” I would say instead, “I miss having someone in my life that is aggressive. I miss having someone in my life who is fearless and passionate.” That is what allowed me to break from the hold of bad relationships, but go into the next with an open heart.
This is the most effective and valuable piece of advice I ever saw regarding ending relationships. I got trough this almost 2 years ago and all he says is real. If I had seen this video at the time I would have fought it and said "no I need to cling to my hope". It only caused the suffering to linger a bit more. In my case I moved on with another person. But the moment I let hope die, was the moment I started to change for the better. Not as a fake attempt at getting someone back. I did it for myself. And my ex saw the difference and came back. Unfortunately for her, I really did move on. But that's life. Letting go of hope really is the best you can do. Remember, she already gave up on you. Time to focus on the one that never will leave - you, ma dude. Stay strong.
Forgiveness of the other and of one's self is a better focus for letting go of and getting over a a relationship than trying override and substitute one's inner images, hopes, dreams and dashed expectations, etc.
I went thru a breakup from a girl who seemed madly in love with me but refused to reveal anything about herself(making conversation attempts very awkward) and seemed to expect me to play the perfect boyfriend role where she decides what is correct behaviour and I have no say in the matter. She was very hurt and I'm the bad guy. I couldn't get over the fact that she was hurt by way of my "logical reasoning" and tried for one year to keep contact and make it right but her "victimhood" knew no bounds. I wished her well with her new boyfriend and the minute I told her that she wanted to get back together with me. It was then that I knew my gut instinct was correct. That was over 30 years ago. I see around town every so often and when we see each other we both look long and hard at each other and then look away. No contact for 30 years and I still wonder if we ruined something that had great potential or dodged a major bullet. Online MGTOW content tells me I would have been the biggest putz, shmoe or shlameel to be laughed at behind my back for falling for her shenanigans. Yet, I wonder.
Gosh!! Brutal honesty … spot on … my daughter is a drug addiction who typically every 60-90 days is incarcerated for stealing … it’s the only time she calls me to send her money for ramen noodles … I just traveled over 5000 miles to get her upon release and in front of my eyes she slid within 3 days back into her crap, after years of not living life trying to rescue her, I’m 70 years old and I’m finally deciding to put her out of my scope of my heart and my thoughts and allowing to choose her life and I’m gonna her go … Thankyou for reinforcement because I find myself looking at the jail roster to see i in f she’s there … phew!! Thankyou
I am sorry to read this! You are great parent that most people wish for. But sometimes you have let go of your kids, as you unfortunately can’t make life decisions for them. I imagine it is the hardest thing, but you are 70, and life is short, you should focus on you and enjoying life, you tried your very best, knowing that will make it easier I hope 🤞🏽
@@laylawarsame Thankyou for being so very kind …. It’s been almost 3 months since she was released and she’s already back in for the last 3 weeks … I never realized just how much this last painful event has taught me… and it’s to love yourself at least as much as you love your children, and that letting be, respectfully is my best place… I’m still pained by it all, especially my grandson, but there truly is nothing more I can do, unless a door opens .. I’m truly grateful to you, and wish you the very best in your life, learn to face the pain, because it teaches us our very greatest lessons, and makes you beautiful ❤️
Love this. "Ruminating about your ex - you can't let them go and you can't move on to someone else. The space in your heart is occupied by the memory of that person. The memory causes pain or ambivalence, but still you hold on to it due to the fear there would be nothing left to bind you to them. You ruminate out of hope of reconciliation. This hope is corroding your heart. To survive, to continue to emotionally live, you must kill this hope. To kill this hope you must eliminate any internal contact with the internalized object of your ex. True no contact is not coming into any emotional contact with the internal object: the memory, the image, the fantasy of the other person. Use the block and replace technique every time internal contact takes place which will eventually weaken the power of the hope. Focus on who you want to become. Resign yourself to move on with your life without any expectation that you'll ever have a connection with your ex ever again as long as you live."
Brilliant. I’ve heard a lot about no contact to get over a person but also that people are heartbroken still months or years later and I’ve wondered why. I’m super afraid that’ll be me. But your message about not cutting off internal engagement is the answer and solution to what I was wondering and afraid of. That’s so helpful
Dr. Taraban, If you see this comment one day, I’d like you to know that this short video is helping my very much on the stage I’m at nowadays, and because of that I’ll probably be thankful for the rest of my life. If one day you’d like to revise and make a longer content on this very matter, I’ll be appreciative of it forever. Thank you.
That first 90 sec is spot on. But the proposed solution needs a tad more "how to". Yet you're so right. While I certainly believe No Contact is the best approach, cause it also makes the dumper feel the loss, it makes us linger in limbo, never letting go. "Inner no contact" as you call it is the next level. Great point, thanks
Finally, a video that tells you something new. All these videos on tiktoks and instagram seem so superficial. If you can't get over someone, don't force it. Take your time.
Excellent as per usual. This video aligned perfectly with my most recent focus of “internal no-contact”. The external expression of no-contact is easy in relation to discarding one’s thoughts and emotions of the person. It’s a method of training oneself and having integrity and congruence from the inside out. Challenging and well-worth overcoming and becoming one’s greatest self.
Thank you for your thoughts expressed. It helps me a lot, so I can apply these actions to myself and reestablish my independence....finding just MYSELF again. Gee, I thought I was the only one dealing with this internal confusion, grief, loss and heartache!
Today after 1 month I finally had the courage to transfer all the thousand photos to my drive and deleted all the pictures and messages from my phone, now my phone is free of anything related to my ex. I’ve accepted that there’s no hope. This is what god wants, this break up event has brought me so much closer to god and I’m really thankful
Such powerful advice. Sure it's hard, but the self respect you earn is similar to when you accomplish any hard task in your life. I had to decide that he wasn't going to drag me down with him, and that living well and happy will be my focus (and my "revenge") :)
My relationship ended just over 2 months ago and since this week I am finding myself in the process of killing the hope. I was thinking about contacting her again, but just in time I came across this video. Thanx for the explanation. I have a deeper understanding now of the concept of no contact. 🙏
To the one who got broken up or cheated on, you are not a loser, you just got old and used up in your ex's eyes. There are still many people out there who sees you as brand new. Do not try to change just because you got ditched. Be the kind person you once were for you don't deserve those who come back, you deserve those who never leaves! Yes, i don't care if my ex would see me as the loser she once left, it is because i will never go back to a toxic ex ever. Genuine people with high moral ground never change for some silly break up.
Who they are stays with me no matter how much they change their exterior. I always remember who they are (not out of bitterness) but to remind myself more people than not do not change much!
I literally had to move to a foreign country to leave behind a man that I had been with for many years. Starting over was the only way to avoid going back to him. It was the most difficult and painful thing I've ever been through as a woman.
You have saved me from many days of randomly bursting into tears whenever I think about the person I left. It hurts so bad but I'll be strong and will keep working on myself. Thank you so much for your wonderful insights on love and heartbreak.
Good distinction about the fact that communications with the other person is just the most superficial part. The internal dialogue and emotional stew that needs to be sorted is way more important and difficult.
Excellent content. Insightful comments. My two cents. Moving on to the next. Be very, very careful. My X was the Queen of the Dark Triad. Before her, I didn't even know these creatures existed. Now, IF I choose to enter into a relationship, I'm scanning, listening between the words, parsing their actions. Play the movie forward. Do a cost analysis, risk assessment and look at the possible ROE. 99.9% of the time you will conclude it's not worth it. Single and no contact for eight years. Life is sweet.
Great advice. However after 6 years of no-contact and no hope or desire of reuniting, I still have dreams about her that I have no power over. I dream about deceased pets from childhood too. Your idea about actively and radically eliminating a person from your mind, I think, can only backfire and lodge deeper in the unconscious. I say don’t fight the thoughts but rather, keep trying to be your best self who will naturally attract the best people. Another lover can help shift that unconscious attachment towards an ex. Fond memories aren’t necessarily imbued with hope and desire to get back together. We can’t experience true joy without knowing the tender pain and sadness that comes along with it.
I was 22 when my first girlfriend of 2.5 years made me break up with her. I straight up told her that she will never see me again. At that moment it was not a thought out act of self preservation but more an act of revenge and of pride because she kept the option open of maybe getting back together in 3 years which apparently had worked for her cousin and her boyfriend. (I feel bad for this guy) For a while I felt like I came across as resentful because people in her family told me we should stay friends. Over time I realized that I actually did a great service to myself by cutting her off completely and being so direct. Over the years I have thought about reaching out to her a couple times just out of curiosity and apologizing for how I handled a big decision at that age that contributed to the fallout. But every time I think to myself: 1. Out of fairness towards my current girlfriend I wouldn't do it. 2. I wouldn't be true to myself and what I said. 3. No one would gain anything from an interaction except her maybe getting a boost of confidence.
Over the years I have experienced this explanation naturally, it’s nice to hear it spoken professionally. It must be possible to apply a recovery mode during a painful separation without a formal education in psychiatry. Thank you.
Two years and a half ago my boyfriend of 5 years left it, exactly on my birthday (very cruel break up). 2 months later I met a man who will become my husband in 4 months, and we just received our key to our new house. I was completely devastated after that break up, I was even behaving like a crazy but in the moment that I decided in my heart and mind that I have to go on with my life and not think about him, I gave a chance to the wonderful man that is now my fiancé. It was so strange because I never thought I will love again in my life and I will die without ever feeling like that ever again. I was so wrong.
First I want to say I looked up your channel from someone else mentioning it on another video I watched. Within the first few minutes of your video I began to cry because this is how I feel and this is the first time someone actually got it right. I know this may sound crazy but this is somewhat worst than death because you know that person is truly gone. and likewise the ex maybe gone also but you love them and they are still here but you cant love them like you wanted to because they are just not who they pretended to be. Thanks !
Dr. Taraban, Thank you for discussing this topic in this video, it was tremendously helpful for me in this season of life. As a reformed (Calvinistic) Christian, I have been rather critical of the field of psychology. However, after investigating your channel it seems that you are a legitimate scientist who genuinely studies human behavior for the benefit of your patients, and for that I'm thankful. Keep up the good work.
Absolutely. I'm finally on the other side of a marriage break-up and holding on to hope was killing me. I did the basics of blocking her but it was not enough. Then I started realistically looking at her current and past behavior and began the process of realizing it wasn't all a bed of roses. Quite the opposite, in fact. Killing the hope allows you to have some breathing room to properly analyze your situation away from the pain and the over-romanticizing. However, I was afraid of having a gaping hole in my life and heart. I filled it with the mechanics of work, exercise, deeper delving into hobbies, and various Meet-Up group activities until those things became things I was looking forward to. These replaced the pain that hope was creating. "Fake it 'till you make it" has a practical applicability that I can attest to. It's incredibly hard to do at the start, but it does save you. You can't control what another person will or will not do. Nor can you really know what will or will not happen in the future. Hope creates a false impression that you can do these things. These are lies. But in the heat of the moment, they are comforting lies. But once you feel the real effect of doing the work, self-analysis, seeing the other person for who they actually are, you will finally get to the other side of the storm. And it's a great place to be.
This is profound wisdom - thank you Orion ❤- I have been struggling to let go even though she seems to have moved on - it is very painful - I have played w the idea of imagining her being essentially dead which is easier to contemplate as I am older, but complicated by a lifetime together and grown children. But you are correct killing the hope is the only way of dealing w the emotional pain Its a big ask after 30+ years of emotional entanglement Thank you for your wise analysis Using the pain to grow ❤ Glad I found this one Time to heal
Best explanation of how to carry out zero contact effectively without expecting anything from the other. I would have liked to see this before, if you fall into this video when the relationship has just broken up, congratulations, THIS IS THE WAY.
So true!!! From past experiences, it seemed to be better even pain than emptyness. Emptyness of feelings after a love seemed more scary than the pain itself. Because emotions create motivation. Empyness never
"No Contact" in my book is more like "No input" or "No feedback", i.e to block any random thought you might have about the person, turning away from the person's gaze over and over again. And like Dr Orion said it sure is painful but effective.
Hey doc. I've just gone through this process, but it was before I saw this video. You've described it perfectly. I had to blunder my way to this exact conclusion in blindness... and hearing it from you now, I recognize exactly what you describe. There was some inner force who came to consciousness within me and told me these things and guided me to do this, in the same way you have expressed it. And it was brutal. And it felt like I was murdering someone I love. It felt like I was deliberately and painstakingly severing the head of someone whose survival meant everything to me. It felt absolutely psychotic to do this to myself. And to do it over and over again, all day long. It felt like I was holding a hot iron against my skin, on purpose. It felt like I was savoring and reveling in the blinding searing pain. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY PARADOXICAL! But you're right. The person still lives and exists in this world. The person still loves me. I still love them. And it's true that there's EVEN MORE rational possibility of a future reunion, than there was before I psychotically murdered my hope for future reunion. Murdering my hope for survival provided me better chances for survival. WTF? Why are hearts like this???
Very useful. For me, it isn't a person, but an ideal I stopped believing a long time ago, yet somehow still clutch in a hidden place. I don't know that it's "corroding my heart, killing me from the inside." It is blocking me from loving the real world, which may be the same thing. I can't keep applying the phantom to the person walking into Chick-Fil-A or whatever. I want to feel the pain and emptiness now, and let the other thing - whatever it will be - flow in.
Good stuff. Takes no contact to another level and makes it much more likely to be effective in finally getting over your ex. Everyone needs to watch this video several times and memorize it.
Really good explanation. I'm very impressed with the consistently high quality of your content. You seen both learned and original I used essentially the same technique to quit drinking: instantaneous thought redirection every time I had an impulse to drink. It's one of the few One Weird Tricks that actually works. Quitting drinking turned out to be mostly less a matter of emotional development and more one of reflexes, because the impulse to drink can snowball into something uncontrollable in a matter of one literal second. With quick reaction time you can eventually wire up an automated redirect every time the impulse hits: look at the ceiling, look at the floor, etc. Eventually, the neurons just give up on life due to disuse Interesting fact though: the impulse decreases tremendously and frequency, but most of its power remains. Even if it has been a year since the last craving, they can strike with the power of a thunderbolt. However, your brain gives you more reaction time to avoid a snowball
Dr Orion, Words can hardly describe what I've felt when I was thrown away so suddenly, through deceit and lies. I've been holding on to hope for two months but it seemed like forever. I was so hesistant in clicking this video, but I'm glad I did. As I write these words, I already feel the tears in my eyes. It's going to be hard, but what you've said is necessary resonates in me. It feels promising. Thank you for giving me hope, and something to latch on to so I can wake up with the will to move forward with my life.
Hello, how are you feeling now? I've just been completely heart broken and feel like you have described. Discarded. How have you found this advice to work? Has it been successful?
a year and a half out from breakup of an 18 year marriage. this is absolute truth. I did not want to take this path, but now I understand why I had to. The emotional distance has also allowed me to see why I would not want to re engage with my ex wife. I had a lot of misunderstanding and also (no surprise) the “romance” thing you so accurate bust in your other excellent video. Thanks for all you provide to us.
My ex gf left suddenly after I called her out on her disrespectful behaviour. After a brief phone conversation, I stopped all contact . Weeks later, mutual friends began dropping hints that my e gf wanted to talk to me. I ignored them and began distancing myself from them. I was in college and concentrated on studying and exercising. Months later, my ex gf called me and she tried to make small talk but I cut the conversation short. I graduated And began working , and my ex gg came to my work place… I had to talk to her to avoid a scene… she acted like she was owed a 2nd chance. I told her No way we were getting together.
Perfect timing. I recently broke up with my now ex and scrubbed her from my phone and social media. I still catch myself thinking about her and it does make me sad so this is great advice for me. Appreciate it.
I personally can't wait to be divorced. I am close to walking away from my son because he is so closely involved with him. I dont want to move into a relationship with the baggage of my old one. I want to be clear so I am quite happy on my own. My only difficulty is the financial mess I was left in. Once I can break that tie, I am completely done. Walking away and not looking back.
Last night I decided I need to ban all thoughts and emotions etc. going into "his" direction. Today morning a few of your videos reached me with exactly the content of "how, why and what it is good for". Amazing! Fantastic! Totally helpful and cheering up - to know where to go next to get back into MY life ❤🥳❤
This video makes me see why a death is easier to recover from than a breakup. There is no hope in a death, so the greiving process and recovery start immediately. In a breakup, the person who ended the relationship is alive and well, and that is the source of the hope they will come back. That is why one must simulate the death of the person they loved in their mind. The hope must be killed in order to get over the ex.
What do i think? I think when we decide to ket go is when we finally choose ourselves. There's a lot of energy (physically) that goes into thought. The thought process is exhausting. You fill your mind with your ex and then live that way unaware that you've clouded your judgment on everything. Cut off the bloodflow and be free. Thank you for the video.
Dr Orion Taraban you have been absolute gold helping me through the last 2 years. This video describes my position almost exactly. I desperately want to move on with my life but find myself stupidly struggling to get over my ex who was bad for me on many levels. Thank you 🙏
I’m almost crying. Thank you so much for this. I can’t explain i grateful i am for such a simple way of explaining something I’ve had issues with in over 10 years.
My wife had an epiphany about her toxicity after telling her for a decade and is going to therapy and trying to change … but I just don’t care. I am living a secret life. Just waiting for my daughter to turn 18.
I’ve learned this a long time ago, why allow someone that hurt you, at the best version of yourself. Never allow anyone back, leave that at stray, for you know not what it brings.
Hope is the worst enemy after a breakup. Recognize it. Accept the defeat. Cut your loss. liberate yourself.
How do I cut my losses with a child involve. I’m 2.5 years in and the pain and shame is becoming unbearable. I’d really appreciate some advice.
@@willowsayswhat9642 Are you a man?
@@willowsayswhat9642 i also broke off with my ex when our son was 2,5.
I still loved him, but he was a bad partner and poor father to our child. I was jeopardizing my parenthood by trying to raise a man while the real child suffered our fights.
Think in the best interest of your child.
Set aside grudges to make arrangements for proper contact between him and his child, if he can live up to them. Eventually my ex didn’t want any responsibility or contact with his son; I am glad i kicked such a coldhearted manchild out. It’s better to have no father than a father that only brings strife in the home.
@@willowsayswhat9642 gym
@@willowsayswhat9642 yes, dealing with a child is on a completely different level.
True no contact goes beyond not communicating with someone, it means you STOP THINKING about them and treat them like they are dead and gone.
This is the first video I've seen to confront the superficial way to go about this. He's right, because I tried it all (cutting pictures up, hocking jewelry, deleting old emails, no physical contact, turning down relatives I bumped into, etc.) But I still nursed that pain in my heart.
Like that never, ever happened in the first place. Ruthless, not the less, but the healthiest thing to do for oneself.
Agree
A long as You treat them, they are not gone. When You do not think of them anymore, when You cant even recall their name, then they are gone
Not correct.
It simply means killing the emotional desires for the person. You don't have to pretend they are dead; that actually shows you still have the resentment if it requires you to go that far but a lot of people aren't aware of that.
If you can be around an ex or speak to 1 & u have no emotional interest of them at all, then that's when you have truly killed the "Hope" & you become indifferent.
When you start missing them, remember the person they became when the mask dropped.
Good one
Yeah I think about the false idea of who they are -- rather than all the ugliness they showed. I am starting to remember the bad times more, and also not hold a grudge.
You nailed it!! Who they became when mask dropped. Amazing to watch.
Exactly
Yep!
I think we still hope because we still find the other person attractive. We have to decide, that after a period of time, we are no longer gonna be attracted to someone who didn't value us enough.
I don't find my ex attractive at all. She has become ugly in every way, physically, mentally. I don't recognize her and I find the person she has become to be incredibly repulsive. What I am holding onto is the memory of the person I once knew, once loved, who no longer exists.
There are plenty of people to be attracted to 😆
Nah. Some of the girls who have been the worst to get over have been mid as F. But the fine ones... I always kept at a distance and on a Huck up basis only. Guess the ones that look like good GFS are seen as such by other lads... so mid always have more interaction with men so they will always see the new grass as greener.
@@Malumbrusabsolutely
@@chilledchadsounds more like you are projecting your own lack of matureity on others. I’m not saying this to troll you, but beeing addicted to hookups will never get you contentment. That is accepting that nobody is perfect. All people have weaknesses and strenghts. But you need to commit or you will suffer from FOMO for the rest of your life.
And this FOMO will attract only insecure people. People who think you are a catch because they think your lack of commitment is a sign of value. But in reality it’s a sign of imatureity/ignorance.
I think often times our hope is tied to a romanticized, fantasy version of that person instead of the reality of that person… once we release that hope we can retrospectively see that they were just an ordinary person that perhaps didn’t even treat us as well as we deserve… at least that was the case for me 😅 thanks for the video!
That’s soooo deepppp
Spot on!
The fantasy is a projection, but it's not completely fake. It's a part of you, projected onto that person.
In a healthy relationship, both people project that idealized version onto each other, and this encourages them both to be the best version of themselves (they try to be the fantasy that the other person wants to see).
When a relationship is one-sided, the other person is not interested in being who you want them to be, and you must accept that. But the fantasy tells you something about yourself, and about what you're looking for in a relationship, and why you were attracted to that person in the first place.
It's a mistake to disavow your own feelings, because they are not just about the other person. They are really part of you.
Exactly
That's why no contact is powerful. It's detoxing and going through the withdrawals to gain clarity without the biochemical addiction to the fake person
I just ended a 12 year relationship Yesterday after the woman I love dearly finally admitted she’s turned off by me because I’ve become negative and bitter. She’s 💯 correct. I decided to stop trying to gain her desire from acts of service which never works. It was hard as I’m 51 and always wanted a family and kids but have given up on that and decided to put my needs 1st over others going forward. I feel like a pile of shit but know it’s only temporary as I work to get my mind right and into a state of positivity. Letting go was the hardest part which I’ve already accomplished. Dealing with the internal loss and hope will take much more CONSCIOUS effort. Life can suck at times but it is our duty to self improve and live a life of positivity and peace.
How are you? How’s it been? I’m almost on month 3 of no contact
My wife of 16 years just finished permanently moving out 15 minutes ago. I guess the timing of today's message couldn't be more apt for me. 😅
Yeah! You're FREE you should do a happy dance.
Here you drop this 👑
Once you get over the mourning period, you will feel so free from the responsibility of her feelings, and you will rejoice. A burden has been lifted, my friend. Embrace it.
Was ahe banging somevody else? Why did she move out? Was it a big guy named tyrone?
I hope you're doing well, 8 months later. 16 years is a long time to devote to a person. I'm about to turn 40 in June. No kids, never married, but my 4-year relationship during which we got engaged in October, ended this past January. It still stings knowing the person I love doesn't exist and in her stead is someone entirely different.
It is better to close the door and move on no matter how painful. Improve yourself, evolve, and move on.
Wish I'd learned this 10 years ago. The physical no contact is doable, the unseen or emotional internal no contact is unbearably hard.
On point. Make a list of everything you didn't like about your ex. Anytime you find yourself reminiscing, pull out that list and read it. Worked perfectly!
Did the list thing, unfortunately the bad outweighed the good. So ye that does work to avoid a mistake from happening.
Been two months strong, and there are days I forget his name due to detoxing the person from my entire life. Just a matter of time
The good outweighed the bad
@@Pandan1351 you weren’t supposed to write down the good
Funny thing is I can’t seem to remember anything bad, they were saints.
This way you are still going to be thinking about that person, and if I got the point of the video right, the goal is to do the opposite.
NEVER GO BACK.
Why not?
@@hilostateofmind if they dumped you, then have some self respect and let them go.
you can reach out if you dumped them but dont expect much, they may or may not take you back.
Never
not true
Unless you forgot your keys.
It is ruthless, especially after 44 years together. Putting that person out of your head, after so long, is extremely difficult so say the least.
Get a girl in her 20s. The world is a book, open another page. If it was a divorce but otherwise spend time with your grand kids.
To get any thought out of your head put other thoughts, goals, efforts, activities in. Self improvement for example.
of course it is.if you are not that ruthless it is impossible.
@@danielademide ew.
44 years? Wow. I thought losing my 10 year relationship, albeit nearly the entirety of my adult life, was hard. Hope you're doing better these days.
This is very true. I would just add that if and when your ex returns, by that time you have so much moved on that you are no longer interested in them. Then they may be disappointed. But you cannot do anything, because you had to kill that hope and now all that past magic is gone. And you have a new life with someone else anyway...
Does thjs actually ever happen to guys who were left or is it just an ideal to strive for?
Actually you don't want to reconnect to them. Move on. Spoilt milk cannot become good again.
It happens. It's happening for me. It is brutal work like he said. And don't beat yourself up when the memories surface. The feeling comes first, then the story. Ignore the story and feel the feeling. It could be grief, sadness, anger. Just feel it, smile and release it. Over and over. It works.
That has been my problem. I knew if I lost all interest in her she would come back and beg to be near me. So that kept me hoping trying to hold space, which actually keeps her from coming back. So fucked up.
@@L6FTdon't do it for her but you.
I’d add that you can be mindful about pushing the idea of your ex out. It’s certainly good to train yourself to think about an ex less and less, but it’s near impossible to be immune to thinking about an ex. You two opened your hearts to each other and, for better or worse, you two played significant parts in each other’s pasts. A song may come on or you might see a sunset that makes you think of them. In that situation, would you rather mentally shove away the thought and pretend it’s not there (spoiler alert: it still is) or would you rather observe the thought of your ex, give that internal voice the space to speak its mind, and then tell it something along the lines of “That is a great memory, and it sucks that we could not keep our relationship going, but right now I’m enjoying this good song or admiring this beautiful sunset, and whether that person is here or not changes nothing about how good the song/sunset is.”? I’d pick the second. Meditation can help with staying present in these moments and allowing thoughts of your ex to sprout up with them taking root and changing your trajectory.
It’s also important to accept the law of transience. The ex we loved no longer exist. And the fiction in our minds need to go ( the nostaligia, holding on to just the good times etc).
Even if our mind struggle to move on. The world ( and people) are always in flux. And our « images, hopes, fantasys» of our selves and others is not the « world as it is».
The «right path» is to let go of attatchment of what we can’t control ( other peoples emotions). And instead turn the care, love, esteem to our own selves. This in turn makes us more attractive to others who are open to connect.
Because the truth is that this « special person» we fantacise about is not real ( the ego often pedestal the other, or they pedestal the greener grass).
The world is full of attractive people, there is no need to create « idols». 100% contentment or perfect partners in our minds. simply don’t exist.
The after the first months of « new relationship energy», the ex will also feel familierity and see that the new partner is just a regular human with strenghts/flaws. And have to settle in reality, or they need to search for yet another partner 😂.
100% satisfaction don’t exist. Perfect « zen» or perfect « bliss», is just delusion/fantasy.
This is said so full of love, I feel. I just think Orion's suggestion is a initial cure for the most irrational, hurting and out of control state of letting go. To me, at least, it was good to hear such totality.
I am inspired by what you say, by the idea of, once the inevetabilty klicked in, being kind to ourselves.
You certainly can stop thinking about an ex and fully move on. You simply talk as someone who hasn't fully moved on. Perhaps someone who has accepted the end and now has other things going on in life, but definitely not someone who has moved on. There is no way I would think of any of my exes using the romantic imaginery you even described on your post. To me it's almost disgusting to think of an ex (once I truly move on) in any way that could be emotionally connecting or romantic, like, it truly feels so off putting, it's disgusting, and it's almost like the past with them never even existed and wasn't real.
And I don't say this as someone who easily moves on, it takes me a long time, and I truly grieve, like I might cry almost daily for 2-3 years and think of them every day, pray for them, wish them the best, think of the most significant moments, the romance, etc., but the minute I finally move on, it's like they were never even part of my life. It's the best feeling because I know if I find the right person for me, I won't be emotionally unfaithful with my past, I truly will be present 100% ready to love.
Also, I think if someone isn't the one, they don't deserve a special connection with me. Only the people who permanently choose to walk life with me (the friends, family, etc., who truly stay there until the end, until death temporarily separates us), those are the people who ultimately truly matter to me and to whom I give 100% my loyalty. If you still love an ex, perhaps it's a sign this is the right person and you should be with them. Otherwise, fully move on. Cry and saturate yourself with them so much (rather than avoid thinking of them), until it becomes so clear that they aren't the one, that you snap out of it and fully let go.
When you think about them, think about all the shitty things they did and said, and how horrible they made you feel 😂
@@DougieBee
This! Absolutley! My ex was an evil monster and Im glad she is gone! Peace has been restored!
Two observations:
#1 - The internet makes it very difficult to let go. Before the internet, if someone left you, and you had no kids and no ties, that was it. You never saw them again. Maybe once in a blue moon you might bump into them but that's rare. Today you really must have the willpower to not look them up online. If you look them up on social media, you'll see them with someone else, having a good time, you'll feel hurt, what's that new person got that you don't got, so don't put yourself through it. Have the willpower to not look them up.
#2 - More often than not, when they leave you, it really is about them and not you. Sure, if you did something REALLY bad (cheated, physically or mentally or verbally abusive, stole, lied etc) then that's your fault but otherwise don't beat yourself up over trivial mistakes that will occur in any relationship. Your true love will forgive all your little foibles and faults and may even see them as adorable character quirks. Your ex most likely was looking for a level of perfection that doesn't exist. I had plenty of exes tell me I was holding them back from meeting Prince Charming but as far as know, none of them ever met a Prince once they threw me under the bus.
Very good points! Yes, the internet has made it very hard and one must be very diligent about avoiding contact. And yes it is all about them.
Many times, we become a filler in their lives. Unfortunately, by the time we learn the truth, we are in too deep and they are planning an exit strategy.
@@johng.4959 Yeap, just happened to me. Included this person in my whole freaking life. She knew my work place, hobbies, friends, favorite places in town, etc, etc, etc. I was dumped through a text message “because” of a miscommunication issue we had. Zero sympathy, zero consideration, zero respect. Didn’t even want to take the gift I brought her from Australia. What keeps me going is reminding myself I would NEVER have done this to her.
It clears room for something new, whether it's another lover or doing something you love.
You're fantasising because it was a fantasy.
Make a list of all the unpleasant things your ex did and how you felt about each one of them. Read it daily.
Great idea
@@Theviewerdude
This actually doesn’t work, because all that happens is you feel hurt and how much this person didn’t really meet your needs, and then that can even become internalized like, why did I even want to be with this person who treated me this way? The best way to get someone out of your mind is to not have a positive or negative charge about them, because either charge whether positive or negative is still keeps them in your mind, and in your field of awareness. To become completely completely neutral about them, and just stop thinking about them as much better than making a list and obsessing over how awful they were, that’s just keeping them alive.
That’s gonna draw your attention back to them
This is exactly what I needed to hear; I think the simple most important thing you said was that a partner wouldn’t want to come back and meet the same person he or she left. This was extremely insightful 🙏🏾
I have no words to express how much you have changed my life. Thank you so much for your on the point content, which is pretty rare these days I believe.
Best advice ever! I often hear “sit with your pain “ , no! To me, it would mean thinking about this person and it would make things absolutely miserable. Cutting them off on a psychological level is the only thing that works. How good it feels when you actually forget about this person even for a short moment, you feel like you have your life back and even if you’re not happy in the moment, you feel neutral. That feeling of neutrality is so precious. I want to mention another video on this channel saying that you can only let go with love, it’s so true as well. I find it impossible to let go of someone when I’m feeling deeply hurt, it should be easier but it’s actually worse.
People - DON’T LIKE/LOVE people who DON’T feel the same about YOU. It’s simple! Realize that there is a complex chemical process in your brain. NO CONTACT is literally detoxing yourself from the addiction to that person. Realize that you cannot undo the neural pathways that were created to form that addiction. You MUST OVERWRITE those neural pathways with NEW HABITS. Choose those habits WISELY.
Genius. Thank you.
It’s especially important if you’re dealing with someone who has NPD or some other personality disorder or mental health issues!
My god..the pain when you realize what they are and accept they can’t change. Its basically a death your mourning over
💯 People don't understand if they not gone through it. I was with someone Bi-Polar & HIGHLY Narcissistic. Not a good experience for me to say the least. I def learned many lessons about the person I was with and about myself. So much you will go through after you go through a cycle with a Narcissist, Bi-Polar, or someone with mental health concerns. If a relationship with a 'Cluster B' does not kill you or break you, it will ABSOLUETLY make you stronger. IF you do the inner work. I'm still healing & getting closer to indifference, one day at a time. I'm practicing "Radical Acceptance" a lot🙏
@@AV-kr6gcradical acceptance😌
@@SagittariusBabe87 Good for you young lady!
Cluster-B is a cluster-fuk
True no contact is end It in person, delete text messages, delete his phone number, move on, & work on yourself & heal from the emotions. 🙌
This is one of your best videos. You can also apply this to grief because you are terrified to accept the fact that the deceased is forever out of your life; this makes it really hard to move on.
When you authentically let go of any sliver of hope for a reconciliation, rediscovering life without them becomes more exciting and more valuable than any kind of chasing and holding on.
"Only despair can save us." It sounds high-minded, but in fact it is a perfectly rational thought. You have to reach the last depths of despair to shed unnecessary illusions, and then the possibility of action will finally open up.
I have long told people that hope and despair aren't so different, and that I find it a special kind of misery when the only thing I can hold onto is hope. No one understands. I appreciate you saying what I have known since I was a small child.
For me, I stop associating the feeling with a name. I allow myself to feel it, I just label the feelings as what I want in my next relationship. For example, I won’t say, “I miss Troy” I would say instead, “I miss having someone in my life that is aggressive. I miss having someone in my life who is fearless and passionate.” That is what allowed me to break from the hold of bad relationships, but go into the next with an open heart.
This is the most effective and valuable piece of advice I ever saw regarding ending relationships.
I got trough this almost 2 years ago and all he says is real.
If I had seen this video at the time I would have fought it and said "no I need to cling to my hope".
It only caused the suffering to linger a bit more.
In my case I moved on with another person. But the moment I let hope die, was the moment I started to change for the better. Not as a fake attempt at getting someone back. I did it for myself.
And my ex saw the difference and came back.
Unfortunately for her, I really did move on. But that's life.
Letting go of hope really is the best you can do.
Remember, she already gave up on you. Time to focus on the one that never will leave - you, ma dude.
Stay strong.
You lost hope before meeting that new person or is the new person made you forget your ex ?
And how your ex saw the difference? You two were still in touch after the break up?
"Vigorously block and replace it with something else"
WILCO
What song is that?
Block and replace with what though?
@@summerrain3251 weightlifting, pushups, squats, pullups, running.
Forgiveness of the other and of one's self is a better focus for letting go of and getting over a a relationship than trying override and substitute one's inner images, hopes, dreams and dashed expectations, etc.
I went thru a breakup from a girl who seemed madly in love with me but refused to reveal anything about herself(making conversation attempts very awkward) and seemed to expect me to play the perfect boyfriend role where she decides what is correct behaviour and I have no say in the matter. She was very hurt and I'm the bad guy. I couldn't get over the fact that she was hurt by way of my "logical reasoning" and tried for one year to keep contact and make it right but her "victimhood" knew no bounds. I wished her well with her new boyfriend and the minute I told her that she wanted to get back together with me. It was then that I knew my gut instinct was correct. That was over 30 years ago. I see around town every so often and when we see each other we both look long and hard at each other and then look away. No contact for 30 years and I still wonder if we ruined something that had great potential or dodged a major bullet. Online MGTOW content tells me I would have been the biggest putz, shmoe or shlameel to be laughed at behind my back for falling for her shenanigans. Yet, I wonder.
Gosh!! Brutal honesty … spot on … my daughter is a drug addiction who typically every 60-90 days is incarcerated for stealing … it’s the only time she calls me to send her money for ramen noodles … I just traveled over 5000 miles to get her upon release and in front of my eyes she slid within 3 days back into her crap, after years of not living life trying to rescue her, I’m 70 years old and I’m finally deciding to put her out of my scope of my heart and my thoughts and allowing to choose her life and I’m gonna her go … Thankyou for reinforcement because I find myself looking at the jail roster to see i in f she’s there … phew!! Thankyou
I am sorry to read this! You are great parent that most people wish for. But sometimes you have let go of your kids, as you unfortunately can’t make life decisions for them. I imagine it is the hardest thing, but you are 70, and life is short, you should focus on you and enjoying life, you tried your very best, knowing that will make it easier I hope 🤞🏽
@@laylawarsame
Thankyou for being so very kind …. It’s been almost 3 months since she was released and she’s already back in for the last 3 weeks … I never realized just how much this last painful event has taught me… and it’s to love yourself at least as much as you love your children, and that letting be, respectfully is my best place… I’m still pained by it all, especially my grandson, but there truly is nothing more I can do, unless a door opens .. I’m truly grateful to you, and wish you the very best in your life, learn to face the pain, because it teaches us our very greatest lessons, and makes you beautiful ❤️
Love this. "Ruminating about your ex - you can't let them go and you can't move on to someone else. The space in your heart is occupied by the memory of that person. The memory causes pain or ambivalence, but still you hold on to it due to the fear there would be nothing left to bind you to them. You ruminate out of hope of reconciliation. This hope is corroding your heart. To survive, to continue to emotionally live, you must kill this hope. To kill this hope you must eliminate any internal contact with the internalized object of your ex. True no contact is not coming into any emotional contact with the internal object: the memory, the image, the fantasy of the other person. Use the block and replace technique every time internal contact takes place which will eventually weaken the power of the hope. Focus on who you want to become. Resign yourself to move on with your life without any expectation that you'll ever have a connection with your ex ever again as long as you live."
Brilliant. I’ve heard a lot about no contact to get over a person but also that people are heartbroken still months or years later and I’ve wondered why. I’m super afraid that’ll be me. But your message about not cutting off internal engagement is the answer and solution to what I was wondering and afraid of. That’s so helpful
Dr. Taraban, If you see this comment one day, I’d like you to know that this short video is helping my very much on the stage I’m at nowadays, and because of that I’ll probably be thankful for the rest of my life.
If one day you’d like to revise and make a longer content on this very matter, I’ll be appreciative of it forever.
Thank you.
That first 90 sec is spot on. But the proposed solution needs a tad more "how to". Yet you're so right. While I certainly believe No Contact is the best approach, cause it also makes the dumper feel the loss, it makes us linger in limbo, never letting go. "Inner no contact" as you call it is the next level. Great point, thanks
Finally, a video that tells you something new. All these videos on tiktoks and instagram seem so superficial. If you can't get over someone, don't force it. Take your time.
Excellent as per usual. This video aligned perfectly with my most recent focus of “internal no-contact”. The external expression of no-contact is easy in relation to discarding one’s thoughts and emotions of the person. It’s a method of training oneself and having integrity and congruence from the inside out. Challenging and well-worth overcoming and becoming one’s greatest self.
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for your thoughts expressed. It helps me a lot, so I can apply these actions to myself and reestablish my independence....finding just MYSELF again. Gee, I thought I was the only one dealing with this internal confusion, grief, loss and heartache!
Today after 1 month I finally had the courage to transfer all the thousand photos to my drive and deleted all the pictures and messages from my phone, now my phone is free of anything related to my ex. I’ve accepted that there’s no hope. This is what god wants, this break up event has brought me so much closer to god and I’m really thankful
Such powerful advice. Sure it's hard, but the self respect you earn is similar to when you accomplish any hard task in your life. I had to decide that he wasn't going to drag me down with him, and that living well and happy will be my focus (and my "revenge") :)
couldn't agree more. I really hope you had acomplished a blissful life right now
My relationship ended just over 2 months ago and since this week I am finding myself in the process of killing the hope. I was thinking about contacting her again, but just in time I came across this video. Thanx for the explanation. I have a deeper understanding now of the concept of no contact. 🙏
how r u feeling now
Stay strong, beau
To the one who got broken up or cheated on, you are not a loser, you just got old and used up in your ex's eyes. There are still many people out there who sees you as brand new. Do not try to change just because you got ditched. Be the kind person you once were for you don't deserve those who come back, you deserve those who never leaves! Yes, i don't care if my ex would see me as the loser she once left, it is because i will never go back to a toxic ex ever. Genuine people with high moral ground never change for some silly break up.
Who they are stays with me no matter how much they change their exterior. I always remember who they are (not out of bitterness) but to remind myself more people than not do not change much!
People do change, they get uglier, nastier and older
I literally had to move to a foreign country to leave behind a man that I had been with for many years. Starting over was the only way to avoid going back to him. It was the most difficult and painful thing I've ever been through as a woman.
The explanation about surrending the pain in the beginning of the video is completely accurate
You have saved me from many days of randomly bursting into tears whenever I think about the person I left. It hurts so bad but I'll be strong and will keep working on myself. Thank you so much for your wonderful insights on love and heartbreak.
Brilliant! You're an absolutely talented therapist/psychologist.
Good distinction about the fact that communications with the other person is just the most superficial part. The internal dialogue and emotional stew that needs to be sorted is way more important and difficult.
Excellent content. Insightful comments. My two cents. Moving on to the next. Be very, very careful. My X was the Queen of the Dark Triad. Before her, I didn't even know these creatures existed. Now, IF I choose to enter into a relationship, I'm scanning, listening between the words, parsing their actions. Play the movie forward. Do a cost analysis, risk assessment and look at the possible ROE. 99.9% of the time you will conclude it's not worth it. Single and no contact for eight years. Life is sweet.
Great advice. However after 6 years of no-contact and no hope or desire of reuniting, I still have dreams about her that I have no power over. I dream about deceased pets from childhood too. Your idea about actively and radically eliminating a person from your mind, I think, can only backfire and lodge deeper in the unconscious. I say don’t fight the thoughts but rather, keep trying to be your best self who will naturally attract the best people. Another lover can help shift that unconscious attachment towards an ex. Fond memories aren’t necessarily imbued with hope and desire to get back together. We can’t experience true joy without knowing the tender pain and sadness that comes along with it.
I was 22 when my first girlfriend of 2.5 years made me break up with her. I straight up told her that she will never see me again. At that moment it was not a thought out act of self preservation but more an act of revenge and of pride because she kept the option open of maybe getting back together in 3 years which apparently had worked for her cousin and her boyfriend. (I feel bad for this guy)
For a while I felt like I came across as resentful because people in her family told me we should stay friends. Over time I realized that I actually did a great service to myself by cutting her off completely and being so direct. Over the years I have thought about reaching out to her a couple times just out of curiosity and apologizing for how I handled a big decision at that age that contributed to the fallout. But every time I think to myself: 1. Out of fairness towards my current girlfriend I wouldn't do it. 2. I wouldn't be true to myself and what I said. 3. No one would gain anything from an interaction except her maybe getting a boost of confidence.
I quit drinking 33 yrs ago and it's very similar to stopping other destructive habits.....
Wow...this is too synchronous .. thank you. I really appreciate your content. There is no parallel on TH-cam
forget not the memory, but the feeling
> from, i love the little things when i am around the person
> to, i was with the person
I feel like this video was meant for me. I really need to get this through my head. Thank you so much Dr for your wise words.
This might be the best no contact video I have ever seen.
True. When i surrendered the pain, that's when i truly moved on. Nothing left.
Over the years I have experienced this explanation naturally, it’s nice to hear it spoken professionally. It must be possible to apply a recovery mode during a painful separation without a formal education in psychiatry. Thank you.
Two years and a half ago my boyfriend of 5 years left it, exactly on my birthday (very cruel break up). 2 months later I met a man who will become my husband in 4 months, and we just received our key to our new house. I was completely devastated after that break up, I was even behaving like a crazy but in the moment that I decided in my heart and mind that I have to go on with my life and not think about him, I gave a chance to the wonderful man that is now my fiancé. It was so strange because I never thought I will love again in my life and I will die without ever feeling like that ever again. I was so wrong.
First I want to say I looked up your channel from someone else mentioning it on another video I watched. Within the first few minutes of your video I began to cry because this is how I feel and this is the first time someone actually got it right. I know this may sound crazy but this is somewhat worst than death because you know that person is truly gone. and likewise the ex maybe gone also but you love them and they are still here but you cant love them like you wanted to because they are just not who they pretended to be. Thanks !
I was moved by your pain
I LOVE the title, and your opening! Killing Hope. That's what it takes.
Watching every day so I don't die of a heart attack and sleep deprivation.
Sounds ruthless but also wholesome in a truthful manner.
Prefect timing Doc! Just when I need it just had a breakup with my girlfriend
Your best video so far. You can't truly let go unless you let go of the hope.
Dr. Taraban,
Thank you for discussing this topic in this video, it was tremendously helpful for me in this season of life.
As a reformed (Calvinistic) Christian, I have been rather critical of the field of psychology. However, after investigating your channel it seems that you are a legitimate scientist who genuinely studies human behavior for the benefit of your patients, and for that I'm thankful. Keep up the good work.
Absolutely. I'm finally on the other side of a marriage break-up and holding on to hope was killing me. I did the basics of blocking her but it was not enough. Then I started realistically looking at her current and past behavior and began the process of realizing it wasn't all a bed of roses. Quite the opposite, in fact. Killing the hope allows you to have some breathing room to properly analyze your situation away from the pain and the over-romanticizing. However, I was afraid of having a gaping hole in my life and heart. I filled it with the mechanics of work, exercise, deeper delving into hobbies, and various Meet-Up group activities until those things became things I was looking forward to. These replaced the pain that hope was creating. "Fake it 'till you make it" has a practical applicability that I can attest to. It's incredibly hard to do at the start, but it does save you. You can't control what another person will or will not do. Nor can you really know what will or will not happen in the future. Hope creates a false impression that you can do these things. These are lies. But in the heat of the moment, they are comforting lies. But once you feel the real effect of doing the work, self-analysis, seeing the other person for who they actually are, you will finally get to the other side of the storm. And it's a great place to be.
This is profound wisdom - thank you Orion ❤- I have been struggling to let go even though she seems to have moved on - it is very painful - I have played w the idea of imagining her being essentially dead which is easier to contemplate as I am older, but complicated by a lifetime together and grown children.
But you are correct killing the hope is the only way of dealing w the emotional pain
Its a big ask after 30+ years of emotional entanglement
Thank you for your wise analysis
Using the pain to grow ❤
Glad I found this one
Time to heal
Best explanation of how to carry out zero contact effectively without expecting anything from the other. I would have liked to see this before, if you fall into this video when the relationship has just broken up, congratulations, THIS IS THE WAY.
So true!!! From past experiences, it seemed to be better even pain than emptyness. Emptyness of feelings after a love seemed more scary than the pain itself. Because emotions create motivation. Empyness never
"No Contact" in my book is more like "No input" or "No feedback", i.e to block any random thought you might have about the person, turning away from the person's gaze over and over again. And like Dr Orion said it sure is painful but effective.
Hey doc. I've just gone through this process, but it was before I saw this video. You've described it perfectly. I had to blunder my way to this exact conclusion in blindness... and hearing it from you now, I recognize exactly what you describe. There was some inner force who came to consciousness within me and told me these things and guided me to do this, in the same way you have expressed it. And it was brutal. And it felt like I was murdering someone I love. It felt like I was deliberately and painstakingly severing the head of someone whose survival meant everything to me. It felt absolutely psychotic to do this to myself. And to do it over and over again, all day long. It felt like I was holding a hot iron against my skin, on purpose. It felt like I was savoring and reveling in the blinding searing pain. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY PARADOXICAL!
But you're right. The person still lives and exists in this world. The person still loves me. I still love them. And it's true that there's EVEN MORE rational possibility of a future reunion, than there was before I psychotically murdered my hope for future reunion. Murdering my hope for survival provided me better chances for survival. WTF?
Why are hearts like this???
Very clever advice, thank you! Moving on makes a person more attractive to the whole world I guess.
Very useful. For me, it isn't a person, but an ideal I stopped believing a long time ago, yet somehow still clutch in a hidden place. I don't know that it's "corroding my heart, killing me from the inside." It is blocking me from loving the real world, which may be the same thing. I can't keep applying the phantom to the person walking into Chick-Fil-A or whatever. I want to feel the pain and emptiness now, and let the other thing - whatever it will be - flow in.
Good stuff. Takes no contact to another level and makes it much more likely to be effective in finally getting over your ex. Everyone needs to watch this video several times and memorize it.
Really good explanation. I'm very impressed with the consistently high quality of your content. You seen both learned and original
I used essentially the same technique to quit drinking: instantaneous thought redirection every time I had an impulse to drink. It's one of the few One Weird Tricks that actually works. Quitting drinking turned out to be mostly less a matter of emotional development and more one of reflexes, because the impulse to drink can snowball into something uncontrollable in a matter of one literal second. With quick reaction time you can eventually wire up an automated redirect every time the impulse hits: look at the ceiling, look at the floor, etc. Eventually, the neurons just give up on life due to disuse
Interesting fact though: the impulse decreases tremendously and frequency, but most of its power remains. Even if it has been a year since the last craving, they can strike with the power of a thunderbolt. However, your brain gives you more reaction time to avoid a snowball
What this dr says is real ruthless truths about relationships. Real practical advises that I haven’t seen in any other psychology videos.
This is really hard when the object of your desire even comes to you in dreams... its so painful.
Dr Orion, Words can hardly describe what I've felt when I was thrown away so suddenly, through deceit and lies. I've been holding on to hope for two months but it seemed like forever. I was so hesistant in clicking this video, but I'm glad I did. As I write these words, I already feel the tears in my eyes. It's going to be hard, but what you've said is necessary resonates in me. It feels promising. Thank you for giving me hope, and something to latch on to so I can wake up with the will to move forward with my life.
Hello, how are you feeling now? I've just been completely heart broken and feel like you have described. Discarded. How have you found this advice to work? Has it been successful?
a year and a half out from breakup of an 18 year marriage. this is absolute truth. I did not want to take this path, but now I understand why I had to. The emotional distance has also allowed me to see why I would not want to re engage with my ex wife. I had a lot of misunderstanding and also (no surprise) the “romance” thing you so accurate bust in your other excellent video. Thanks for all you provide to us.
My ex gf left suddenly after I called her out on her disrespectful behaviour. After a brief phone conversation, I stopped all contact . Weeks later, mutual friends began dropping hints that my e gf wanted to talk to me. I ignored them and began distancing myself from them. I was in college and concentrated on studying and exercising. Months later, my ex gf called me and she tried to make small talk but I cut the conversation short. I graduated And began working , and my ex gg came to my work place… I had to talk to her to avoid a scene… she acted like she was owed a 2nd chance. I told her No way we were getting together.
Perfect timing. I recently broke up with my now ex and scrubbed her from my phone and social media. I still catch myself thinking about her and it does make me sad so this is great advice for me. Appreciate it.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”
Proverbs 13:12
I agree but first you need to experience the pain of missing someone otherwise you are just blocking your emotions and it won’t get out of your system
This is one of the best and most helpful videos. Thank you for posting it. I really needed it. I am a woman, and the info you provided was spot on
I personally can't wait to be divorced. I am close to walking away from my son because he is so closely involved with him.
I dont want to move into a relationship with the baggage of my old one. I want to be clear so I am quite happy on my own. My only difficulty is the financial mess I was left in. Once I can break that tie, I am completely done. Walking away and not looking back.
This video provides real mental assistance in a difficult time, on a matter that has proved to be a great personal weakness.
Last night I decided I need to ban all thoughts and emotions etc. going into "his" direction. Today morning a few of your videos reached me with exactly the content of "how, why and what it is good for". Amazing! Fantastic! Totally helpful and cheering up - to know where to go next to get back into MY life ❤🥳❤
This video makes me see why a death is easier to recover from than a breakup. There is no hope in a death, so the greiving process and recovery start immediately. In a breakup, the person who ended the relationship is alive and well, and that is the source of the hope they will come back. That is why one must simulate the death of the person they loved in their mind. The hope must be killed in order to get over the ex.
Thank you Orion. Your videos, and this one in particular, are a true gift.
This was both packed with useful insights and to the point. Thank you. I finally get how and most importantly why to walk away.
What do i think?
I think when we decide to ket go is when we finally choose ourselves. There's a lot of energy (physically) that goes into thought. The thought process is exhausting. You fill your mind with your ex and then live that way unaware that you've clouded your judgment on everything.
Cut off the bloodflow and be free. Thank you for the video.
Dr Orion Taraban you have been absolute gold helping me through the last 2 years. This video describes my position almost exactly. I desperately want to move on with my life but find myself stupidly struggling to get over my ex who was bad for me on many levels.
Thank you 🙏
Perfect, logical, to the point advice, needed this so much
I’m almost crying. Thank you so much for this. I can’t explain i grateful i am for such a simple way of explaining something I’ve had issues with in over 10 years.
My wife had an epiphany about her toxicity after telling her for a decade and is going to therapy and trying to change
… but I just don’t care. I am living a secret life. Just waiting for my daughter to turn 18.
I’ve learned this a long time ago, why allow someone that hurt you, at the best version of yourself. Never allow anyone back, leave that at stray, for you know not what it brings.
this Doc is IN my head
Facts, reality, the instinctive truth...you can't unsee. Will help close it and staying single to heal.