I am just learning about the scapegoat thing. No contact is not new. I’ve done it a bunch of times with different people. It’s called establishing BOUNDARIES.
After I broke down from severe autistic burnout (which is how i got diagnosed with audhd etc), i also had to go no contact with my abusive mother. I am convinced she has narssasistic personality disorder. While my father is also nerodivergent. I am late, diagnosed autistic, with inattentive adhd, ocd and i have cptsd from narssasistic abuse. I also ended up with a narssasistic partner, who caused me more abuse. I also have an older step sister with borderline personality disorder. I found your story very relatable. After i told my mother she needed to go to see someone about her narssasistic patterning, she started a smear campaign against me and turned my whole family against me with lies. When i had my wost brakdown, she convinced everyone that i was pretending to shake, cry and have panic attacks because i was just looking for attention and putting on a show. This was very ironic considering i am the opposite, i dont like attention, i usually cover and hide any issues im having, and i isolate to hide away as much as possible. To this day, no knows or fully believes my issues except my current partner. Again, it is very ironic, considering i am actilually severely autistic. I can't drive because of anxiety, sensory issues, and dissociation. I also rushed to move out, and have mostly isolated for the past 15 years or so. I haven't had a friend since i was 21, because i just dont have the energy or trust to nurture one. People also tend to mean pain to me. I cant survive on my own either, i am genuinely afraid I'll just freez up and starve to death. Yet those who i love dont see me or care, or are twisted my my mother. Beiing an empathic and logical person, i canonot fathom manipulation and huting people this way on purpose, nor why my mother has to try and compete with me, her daughter. All i want is for one person in my life who i can sit down and have a cup of tea with too. Someone who will ask me about myself or how im doing, and actually mean it! Someone who will listen and care and who will be as kind and loyal as i am. I dont understand this world or these constant games aulistic people play and especially cruelty and manipulation. I hate it here, im so exhausted by everyone and everything. Its too loud, too bright, too intrusive, too painful, to cruel; its torture, and worst of all i live in South Africa where, besides anti depession meds prescribed by my gp, i cant afford mental health help because i cant hold down a job, at the moment, my burnout and ocd is so bad, i can barely function at all. The one thing i will say that did help me, was going no contact with my mother. I went from a whole life of being complient to her, to finally putting my foot down. Sure i became a joke to my family and basically lost alk of them too, but at least i didnt have to deal with her directly anymore. You did the right thing, and btw, all abuse boils down to psychological abuse, including neglect. All forms and levels of abuse, especially towards nerodivergent people, count as abuse, and you never know how badly abuse of any kind will affect one person to the next. I also make excuses for my family, but your experience as a result of their parenting and choices is still your experience. We desterve better. The hardest lesson im learning during this worst round of burnout is that my health and sanity demands i put myself first and you must do the same. Blessings and supportive hugs to all who need it ❤
I'm so sorry. I'm neurotypical but relate to a lot of what you write. I have cptsd, am empathetic and vulnerable and keep finding myself in abusive relationships and friendships. I don't isolate as much as you do, but I too fear that I may not be able to survive without help. Sending you love from Finland. ❤️🩹
I also broke contact. Childhood wasn't particularly joyful as an undiagnosed autistic person with parents who were constantly shouting at each other and their kids. I (luckily?) don't remember anything up to age 18 (when I moved out) besides some still images and phrases. It was 2010/11-ish. I already barely had contact. She asked me why. I told her that I do not want to talk about it because anytime I talk about how I feel they start shouting and blaming me. She swore she would listen and be kind. One sentence in and - of course - she went off. I did this bad thing and that, and I just shouldn't complain. I had a good childhood, other parents physically beat their children. Contact was less but I still had contact. Then my dad (who wasn't my biological dad) was diagnosed cancer. I had goats at that time, they still got milk, but very little, about 0.5 liters per day. She told me fresh goat milk was the best against cancer, and she wants 2 liters per week. I said no. she said, that if I wouldn't give her the milk she would break contact. I still said no. I just wasn't willing to have all the work with the animals and then give away half the milk. But that was the final straw for me, and I took her offer to break contact. She of course continued contacting me, which I couldn't understand, she was the one who said "no milk, no contact!". But for me it was over. No contact since more than 12 years. I once got a letter from her. That this is not the way to deal with things and I have to talk to her and tell her what is going on. Did not respond. Bad son!
Wanted to add: I felt bad and guilty for many years. But I physically could not have contact. There was a wall I could not pass, and I panicked. I then found an article that I am not alone (which I genuinely thought I was - everybody keeps contact to their parents!), many children go no contact, and it is nothing to feel bad about. And that helped me a lot!
Same for me, my mother sneered at me that she was 'washing her hands of me' but then went mental when I accepted it and stopped replying to her contact. That was in 2013.
You're describing abuse. She was abusive and seemed to enjoy it from the way you describe iit (no matter how it might feel to you). For her to tell you to stop faking puking sounds like she may also have a condition, because it is clear that something was wrong, even if it was caused by social anxiety triggered by knowing you are going to school. I don't talk to my mother and haven't for 9-years (I'm 40) and she has the same built-in denial of _"That never happened"_ whenever she was told of something she did/said when I was a child. Complete self protection mode. She must have never expected me to remember. Such types of people never see that they are the wrong ones because they think that their passion on such subjects has something to do with being correct. As if stubborned and vindiction are equal. Thanks for sharing. HOpe you're getting enough KO-fi donations. Signing on is soul destroying.
I'm estranged from my family. I excused a lot - "it was a different time," "they were young and doing their best," "it wasn't the worst in comparison," "they have their own traumas and struggles," and all that {thanks hyper empathy and early psychology and crime special interests, appreciate the fuel for my fawning}. As soon as I graduated I moved 1000 miles away with my own abusive creep. My first trip back after breaking up with him I went the bury the hatchet route, which wasn't so much working things out as me deciding I'm the good daughter and an adult now, so I gotta let bygones be bygones. Told my mother I understood and I was sorry I didn't make things easier, but ffs, I barely ever did anything wrong. All I got in return was an "Aww, didn't I raise a good kid," sentiment. At the time I Was proud of that. Now I'm just like "No! F'ing NO! I RAISED ME AND I TURNED OUT TO BE A GOOD PERSON IN SPITE OF MY CHILDHOOD!" But learning I was Autistic and seeing that my parents and my sibling are clearly ND too is just more fuel for the excuse fire, so I just mask up every few months when I call them. Haven't even told them I'm Autistic or that I have cancer, how f'd up is that? But I prefer them all at arm's length. I can see myself getting to a point where I want to heal the rifts, but I am nowhere near that right now.
@@t.a.4356 It's more that I finally realize I don't owe them anything of myself. I haven't ever put myself first, I've always done what was expected of me or what would upset others the least no matter how much it cost me. Now I just don't have the time, energy or desire to open up to and be vulnerable with the people who spent my whole childhood making me that small, inconsequential person.
This is all so familiar! My parents were/ are emotionally & physically abusive. They always back each other up, so it's like talking to a monolith. Before I stopped contacting them I did try to bring up various incidents & they always galighted me/ denied it happened/ said they couldn't remember. They don't want our relationship to change, so I no longer want the relationship. I don't have the energy since perimenopause hit!
Thanks for sharing this. I am no contact with 90 to 99% of my own family minus my parents, aunt and great grandmother. I experienced emotional abuse, gaslighting and emotional neglect and felt like something was wrong with me for a long time. People place so much value on family and expect you to dedicate yourself to them but if you surround yourself around toxic family, you're making yourself stuck.
Hey Dana, I am also autistic and I was diagnosed with Aspergers in 2009 before it was considered ASD or high functioning autism , in 2022 while on holiday with my family my brother (47 y old) said im not autistic and that ive got Aspergers and to stop using it as an excuse to be a victim. At the time i was 26 and being a fully grown man i broke down crying in public so it was a very embarrassing event , he said to me that i shouldn't say im autistic to put myself down... a few years later he did it again at a family dinner... my dad intervened and told him off but my brother doubled down and it left a sour taste at the table. To try and resolve this i sent him proof from the nhs website of the modern definition of autism followed by screenshots of my diagnosis documents but after speaking about it with him , he said that because im not physically disabled and im able to hold down a job and communicate to an effective standard that i shouldn't use it as an argument to define who i am because apprently "im better then that" as if to say being autistic is bad I understand that is alot to read and process xD , sorry.. but if i could get your input and advise on how to deal with this and approach it because i feel its a huge injustice towards me
Asperger's has been part of the ASD spectrum in DSM 5 since 1994. I was diagnosed with Asperger's in grade 7, 1978-79 school year. Useless facts, full of them. Does it even matter with specific dates. Been told that is a feature of Asperger's, I'm sure you're aware. But in different countries there is another equivalent to the DSM maybe that one 2009.
@@chrismaxwell1624 I didn't know that, I read online that in 2013 Asperger's was no longer needed to be a stand alone term seperate from ASD and is now just part of the spectrum
@@chrismaxwell1624 The ICD is used in many countries and Asperger's was still diagnosed until 2019. In the DSM (put out in the USA and used by some other countries as well) Asperger's stopped being diagnosed in 2013.
UPDATE my brother has tripled down on his beliefs and says I'm still a victim and that I am not autistic because there is no scientific research into the differences between Asperger's and autism (which isn't true) as he believes it's all woke propaganda and there is no scientific research to differentiate the two other then fact hans asperger the Austrian scientist was a Nazi so my brother refuses to recognize it , I am still fighting this argument and it's caused a huge rift in my family
If I could, I would cut off my parents too. Mental health has been bad as far as I can remember. Similar situation as yourself. When you get lonely and want to return to that atmosphere because itts familiar and no one else to turn to
This! I just had to turn to my abusive mum again after my boyfriend started threatening me. I also turned to my closest friend whom I was in low contact with due to problems there too. It's horrible to be in a cycle of all my closest support people being abusive and being in such desperate situations that I still have to turn to them just to survive.
My youngest son is your age. I have an older son and a middle daughter. They are my everything. I love them with all my heart. My mother was like your mother. I always wondered what I did to deserve all the hate and physical abuse. I learned I was autistic at 52, which explained everything. Then I put it all together and thought she just didn't like me because I wasn't what she expected for a daughter. I was never good enough somehow. She did favorite my younger brother who was an alcoholic and in jail a lot. He stole from them often but yet they adored him which I could never understand. So bizaar, that dynamic. After many decades of therapy I've healed for the most part. Mom is gone now, Dad is 78. We aren't close either. Haven't spoken to my brothers in over 10 years. Now it's just me and my own family who were always the family I wanted- loving, close, accepting, supportive. At least I broke the cycle. I related to so much of what you said. You are a lovely being with so much light and brilliance. You have a good beat on it. I was heartbroken for you hearing it. Sometimes all we can do is go forward and build the life we want. It does feel like a terrible loss looking back. I don't remember hugs or words of praise ir support, but I give all those things to my children. Every single one. Keep on shining you beautiful diamond!
My dad did something totally inexcusable to me as a teenager and every time I've tried to bring it up to him he would just say "well, I'm sure i had a good excuse."
I can relate. It's hard because I thought very highly of my dad but as I got older and experienced the truth of who he actually was it was so damaging. Not only would he do awful things to me, he seemed to have no remorse. It was like the game for him was to manipulate the situation so he could get away with it. Well, that gets old after awhile especially since I saw through him for years. It took almost 20 years for me to finally accept that there is no hope he will change. I protect myself when it comes to him and I don't owe him anything even though he's tried very hard to make me think I do.
Hardly a surprise but I had a VERY similar experience, right down to the desire for emancipation at 16! I'm completely cut off from anyone and everyone to whom I'm biologically related.
Thank you for sharing, as always! Without being in a moment where I can more fully reply, I just want to say that yes, this is relatable in ways that are hard to sum up succinctly. And I appreciate the time, energy, consideration, and kindness you are able to put into sharing about this kind of experience. Simply put, going no contact with certain family members has been one of the most important decisions I've ever made. In my mid twenties I did that for about a year before returning to relating with them out of self blame and guilt, thinking I was mistaken and just being selfish and hurtful to them, until eventually realizing in my 30s that going no contact actually is totally appropriate and not something to blame myself for deciding to do. Still a thing to process, but life is different once going beyond the whole "but what if I'd done things differently" mindset.
I cut off both my parents a little more than a year ago, but in the year prior to that I barely talked to them as well. And once I did, they proved to be just as toxic as ever and I just felt like I had had enough. I think a big part of my parents inability to be parents are that they are undiagnosed autistic, and in my mother’s case ADHD as well. I’m sure there are autists out there who are great parents, but especially the undiagnosed aspect of it for my parents made it really difficult for them. But it still does not excuse their awful behaviour towards me. My memory of my mother when I was young was that she just lied on the couch after work, doing nothing. Which led to my parents arguing with each other every day, since my dad was left to do all the house work. It is really sad since it is clear that my mother was just out of energy for the day. And still she decided to have three children. So I never felt safe at home. I remember being at my friends’ very often, probably because I felt safer there. Being autistic I have always struggled with romantic relationships, which my mother would nag about every time she met me. I would try to establish a boundary over and over again, but she just didn’t care. I am late diagnosed only last year, so she just thought I wasn’t trying hard enough. But it is a bit like asking a person in a wheelchair if they have walked up a staircase recently every time you meet them. And even if I was NT, I think it’s such a shitty attitude to have. She should just love me for who I am, and not put my entire worth into whether I have a romantic relationship or not. At one point I went to a week long trip abroad with my family including my sisters and their SOs, and I was bullied by my parents and my sisters’ SOs the entire trip. I was in a deep depression and had not kept my hair cut and wore untidy clothes. Being bullied was obviously the exact opposite of what I needed at that time. It led to me shutting down and not talking to them just lying in bed the last day. I was 28. This is unforgivable. I used to have a somewhat good relationship with my father, but he changed after he retired. His job had been a huge part of his life and identity, so it just left a hole where there was nothing to replace it with. He became a very bitter person who will take that bitterness out on anyone that’s nearby. In other words, me. He would make fun of me for almost everything I said or did that seemed ”weird”, something I as autistic already have huge amounts of trauma around. When I tried to establish a boundary around this he just didn’t care. I thought about cutting my parents off for so long, I am severely burned out and need a lot of support with everything so I would really need them in my life. But they are so toxic and I always got intense anxiety after spending time with them so I just can’t.
I can't wait to comment even if it 's the begginning. Yeah, it was abusive. My own story is so similar to yours, even thought I live from the other side of the plannet. It's been only 4 months that they cutt off (I'm 38) and I would have died if I have nit said anything this time, because they armed my daughter. I swear to myself It was the first and last Time. I was a dufficult child too. I had the same speeches you had. We are alive, and that 's incredible ! Thanks so much for talking about this, I won t feel alone anymore. 💙🙏
I think you've done the right thing for yourself and that's what's important here. I'm sorry that you were even put in the situation to begin with but I am so happy that you got yourself out of it. I can relate on some level because I have a sister that's much older than me that I eventually realized (at the age of 40) that I needed to minimalize any contact with for my own wellbeing. Just because someone is technically family doesn't mean they get a free pass to be abusive, on any level.
I’m going through the same situation right tf now and it’s good to know that it’s other autistics on the other side of this yo u give me hope I can make it out lol, I be feeling like I’m trapped sometimes💯💯
I've always felt like the odd one out from my sisters because I'm the only one out of the 3 of us that doesn't speak to my dad . Im always conflicted on whether or not to re enter him in my life because of how much i struggle as an adult now because of the trauma and on how he used to treat me . I feel he doesn't understand how his actions affected us. It's so hard. This video made me feel less alone thankyou .
You gave me hope, Dana, really. My two parents are texting me horrible things because I dared to talk about the fact they made my daughter cry. It was screaming all along. And now, they say that if I can't text again they will know I cutted off, meaning it will be my choice and my fault. I feel the same way about what you said, to be a real orphan would'nt be less traumatic . They asked me, by the way, if I was an orphan because it was the first time in 38 years I didn't follow all their rules to call and text...they wrote me they could'nt admit it, it was so disrespectful,, after all they've done for me !...(yes, traumatic memories, thank you)...Your words were healing me. I don't know how to show you my gratitude. Merci !
Family expectations can be so hard. I'm glad you've found peace with your boundaries. Life is complicated and the future is unknown, so keep your beautiful heart open. As someone from a family where emotions were never discussed and punished actually, I completely relate and thank you for sharing.
I don't want to share my story of my parents but I'm glad you made this video. I feel like I've found someone who I can really relate to and I feel very validated
just as a note: unintentional abuse is still abuse, just because they didn't what they were doing/were in denial about it or similar, doesn't make the impact any less worse. But of course, it's easier to say this about emotional/mental abuse, because the scars are not as visible to anyone but yourself, if it was physical abuse, then the whole "but it wasn't intentional" really would sound more ridiculous to our ears (ours as in, I had a bad childhood and my family seems to be in complete denial having done anything wrong, were always of the opinions and still are thinking that they had good intentions even about some of the physical abuse, but mostly mentally and emotionally). It's hard to admit though, that they did wrong, because of course we would like to think/believe, that if they had known and understood what they were doing, that they would have never done it to us, but the truth is, they were and are adults, they made choices, decisions and they could have tried listening and working through things on their own, work on their mistakes and acknowledge them when we come to them about it, but what we usually see, is that they continue their narrative about "how they meant well" and never change. Sorry if this sounds quite bitter, but I'm 36 now and had been trying to somehow connect to my family and make them understand what I went through and at some point I had to stop trying because I realized they just kept circling back to their mindsets of denial and pushing any responsibility away, which does not leave any space for those relationships to heal since I'm not willing anymore to try to put any effort into mending what they don't even see as broken or they are thinking "past is past", while I'm still living with the aftermath of it so much time later despite therapy. Also sidenote: pretty sure I'm Audhd....pretty sure my dad had untreated and undiagnosed ADHD which caused alot of issues...and my mom either audhd or just autism, it seemed to have a profound impact on my family, that we had issues to deal with and instead of addressing them, they kept being "brushed under the rug" and either pretended that they weren't there or that it was personal failing of each person who was struggling...unsurprisingly that didn't go well in multiple ways and seems to have been going on for generations... I'm no contact (or very short/brief contact) with most of my family now, a little more contact with my brother and mom because they seemed to be a bit more open to acknowledging what was going on
dana i want you to know that you are fully allowed to confidently say your parents, especially mom, was emotionally abusive. this is 100% abuse. cutting her off was the best decision you ever made. i’m so proud of you for doing the hard thing. you are doing an amazing job taking care of yourself. much love
Hi Dana. Something you said, about how your mother asked "what are you going to do without us", when you were leaving her, this sounds to me like she was trying to manipulate and gaslight you. It seems she was the one who fell she needed you and your brothers (to shout at you, humiliate and belittle you), and tried to make you feel small and unable to live on your own. Your decision to leave was right, it was the best and healthier decision. It sounds like it was a very toxic environment. Don't ever doubt yourself and do not feel guilty. You have done so much more than enough. ❤ This reminds me of a toxic environment i was in once. I worked at a small business, and our boss and business owner was a horrible woman. I think she was a psychopath, or at the very least a narcissist sociopath. She verbally abused everybody, she humiliated her employees and belittled us. She usually liked to humiliate someone when there were people around, because it made it feel so much worse. I decided to leave that place after seeing her humiliate in front of me the person that was most important to her, and who did most favours for her (he even worked for free on weekends when she needed him). For a normal person it makes no sense to treat another person that way especially when she needed him. But I realised she was doing that very deliberately to gaslight her employees into thinking they had no worth, their skills were bad, they wouldn't find a better job anywhere else and they should be so grateful for that amazing opportunity of working for her for such a bad salary. It was despicable. And it didn't work on me. I'm glad i left, and good riddance. This was years ago. Some months ago i found out her company had gone bankrupt. Oh how that made me feel happy! 😂 This kind of abusive people are so toxic. Your mother sounds like she was toxic as well. I think you made the right choice when you left.
Sadly relatable content, though I'm low contact, not no contact. Just waiting out the clock at this point, tbh. Thanks for sharing. It's important to discuss these things, it can feel very isolating and lonely. Accepting that I was never going to have the kind of parents any child deserves was a big turning point for moving on and healing for me too. How the hell am I related to these people, indeed.
Our parents sound similar. No negative emotions allowed, crying was verbally punished, which obviously was then cyclical, constantly reminded that i was a burdon, asked on several occasions what people even saw in me.
You don't need to minimalize what happened to you, yeah some people have it worse but you still suffered and you shouldn't have. I guess my "cut off" was my dad was never around because he was a heroin addict but a few years ago he tried to mend a relationship with me, I've never valued the idea of family and blood, but for his sake I gave him that chance. He evetually flaked out after a few emails. A year or so later, he tries again and at this point I don't even care enough to give him a chance, I recently came out as trans so I wrote him a letter saying that and the trash took it's self out 😎
Thank you so much for sharing that! I'm so sorry you've gone through all of this, and so happy that you are not in contact with them anymore! It's very supportive to see matching parts of the stories. I'm in no contact with my parents for about half a year now. But I literally needed to move to the other part of Europe, to feel safe enough that they won't try to reach me. The part there you telling that it's people you have nothing to talk about with is sooo relatable! But I also agree that about any other relationship people would've said: why do you keep being in this one, but with parents "it's family". For me stopping point was then I realized if I was describing such behavior (constant critism, entitlement, zero effort to know me and etc) and I was talking about friend or a partner, I would've expect people to tell me "get away as soon as possible". And I totally feel that it's waaay easier to be without my parents in my life, though it hurts sometimes, especially on holidays.
It trips me out how similar your family dynamics were to mine, except I am not autistic and it was my mom who apologized and died. My siblings are totally captured by and defensive about my dad.
i relate to some of this. i definitely experienced emotional neglect. i am hesitant to say i experienced abuse - especially back then, i don’t think most people would have called it abuse. but i did have similar experiences of having both physical and emotional problems (and of course sensory needs) ignored and invalidated, always being punished for crying or being upset. and i was also never taught how to deal with my emotions and sent to my room a lot to deal with it on my own. and my mom also always made it a point to tell me how good of a mother she was and how she did everything for me and it’s like yeah, i’m not disagreeing that you kept me alive but i have a lot more needs than just food, shelter, and clothes & stuff like that. i was suffering immensely with my mental health and receiving absolutely no help and just told that i have no reason whatsoever to be unhappy in any way. i didn’t cut her off but i did get to the point where i had to tell her that i will not be opening up to her about anything because she is an emotionally unsafe person and i can’t keep putting myself into a position where i’m being hurt and thankfully she hasn’t been continuing to shame me about the way i’m living my life so that’s nice but i still have a massive amount of anxiety when i have to see her or when i get a text from her even though nothing bad has happened for like a couple years. i still hate that i can’t actually discuss our relationship though because i know that it won’t go well at all and she’ll just act like i’m trying to villainize her when really i just want to explain the impact and work through it.. i don’t know if our relationship can improve but i do know i have to accept that it will never be what i wanted it to be.
I wasn't abused but I was emotionally detached. To me my family were people i lived with. I found that to be with them was overly stressful and would push my anxiety to the limit so from a very early age i lived in my own little world on the edge of my family .when I left home it was rocky time and i visited only occasionally. At 30ish i shut every one out for over 20yrs and just got on with life, work wise doing ok but totally pants with relationships. I was glad to reunite with my mother for the last 3yrs of her life and get on well with my brother now. But father and sister are still not welcome. I function best on my own but am learning to cope with emotional people. I work on personal safety and survival, its all i can do .🧔
I think your mum might possibly be autistic ..the more you described the dynamic especially the bit around her own mum treating her “worse” it’s becoming quite visible to me how none of the projections put out into the world is even about us breathing as autistic children coming up..but more just the shoddy messaging they came up hearing growing up & never confronted & now have to walk around the world wounded, wounding others instead of confronting & healing their own emotional wounds Much love to the MANY autistic folks (& myself) who can relate to similar stories like these & remain resilient in voicing the reality of our lives without fear we found ourselves & community through the process of so many tries to convince us we were the only ones & no one would believe us..& now lots more coming forward speaking out & helping each other speak heal & build, relieved & thankful ❤️
The full saying is along the lines of, the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Meaning the opposite of what people who throw "blood is thicker than water" at you. Chosen family is the family that matters
Haven't spoken to my Da is over a decade. And I stay away for the exact reason you do; Because I will never get the relationship I wanted/needed. It's not worth breaking myself for something that won't happen. Always being so relatable, omg
My mother doesn't seem like a mother. She just seems like a person I know. I had to let my longing for a motherly mother go. She used to yell a lot but she stopped so I didn't have to go no-contact with her.
I don’t know anyone that goes through the multitude of negative emotions that come with cutting off a parent without it being worth it in the end! So difficult but for the best in the long run 💕
I am the same with my dad's extended family. I had no contact with them in over 15 years. My dad's brother and sister don't even know my dad is dead. None of the family have bothered to ring my dad's mobile to see how he is so sod them. They treated my dad like shit in life so f*ck them.
I've not really broken contact but I haven't sought contact with my mother for the last 6 months because she wouldn't accommodate my needs at all. When I went over to see her and my younger 3 step-siblings for mothers day I arrived on Friday evening at around 10pm , tried to sleep there, got very little sleep, then spent all of Saturday doing things with them. After staying there that night, in the morning on Sunday I realized I didn't have enough 'get up and go' to get through that day with them and I would end up having a meltdown if I stayed so I decided I was going to go home. My mum made this into a big thing because Sunday was mother's day and I was leaving on her day and she wanted to go out and take photos and I left before she got up because the bus options were 8:30 or 2:00 and I wouldn't have managed til 2... so a whole kerfuffle in which I was apparently the devil for doing reasonable things that adults do like leaving parties when they feel they've had enough and isolating to emotionally regulate when needed. So because my mum's expectations are beyond even reasonable for an alist of my age let alone myself I haven't talked to her even though it's been both of our birthdays since then. Edit: Also, sort of off topic, I have found my relationship with my Dad is actually strangely better even though he denies my diagnosis whereas my Mum acknowledges it but doesn't accommodate at all. I think it's possible my dad is also autistic and I know my older brother is autistic so I think he might just be one of those "But that's just normal. Everyone does that" kind of deniers who just doesn't realize it isn't 'normal'.
I relate a lot. I also left when I was 16, as soon as I could. I ended up moving back in with my parents when my abusive marriage ended and I needed somewhere to go. I felt like things were good for a while with my parents. I suspect my mum is also autistic. She bases a lot of her identity in fixing things , and gets quite distressed by any conversation where her role isn't giving advice or practical solutions. I became a wheelchair user in the past few years and I don't think that fits with how her brain works. She sees me as broken and something to fix. She keeps inviting me to things and saying "there won't be room for the wheelchair" as if I could come without it. When she pushes the wheelchair she says things like "This is hard work, can you get out?". I understand that in her mind shame and passive aggression worked to "cure" my autism as a kid, but it won't make my legs work again.
I relate to so much of this, especially the "not allowed to have any issues." My relationship with my father was being screamed at, threatened and beaten, and my mother pretty much ignored me. After college, I ended up confronting my father over the yelling. I had gone to visit them and he immediately started screaming at me because i had walked home from the subway rather than call him. I told him that he either had to stop yelling or I was getting on a plane and flying back to Vermont. He kept yelling and I just repeated myself, and made no move to enter the house. Though I had to confront him often over the next few years about the yelling and abuse, he did eventually come around. As for my mother, I asked her why she never took any of my mental problems seriously. At that point she revealed that my kindergarten teacher had pressured them to have me looked at by a psychiatrist, because "I didn't have all my beans" (using the sophisticated psychological lingo of the 1950s). My mother said I wasn't causing trouble at school, just not playing, participating, or talking. The only thing that worried her was when I would space out and not be there at all. I didn't tell her then (or ever) that I had had a complete mental breakdown at four, with a lot of hallucinations. I hid it from them, and got through it on my own. I didn't expect any emotional support from them, because I knew, even then, that it just wasn't going to happen. My parents' generation was expected to have kids, but that doesn't mean that they liked kids, or really wanted them.
I broke contact as well. My Father was absent from my life from my early childhood and my Mother, well... there's a lot to unpack there. My sibling was the golden child, one who thankfully mostly escaped her clutches eventually (they have their own set of traumas to deal with after being Mum's pawn for so long) and these days we're very close, though they insist on keeping contact... Anyway, I'm not gonna go into my life story, I just wanted to say I very much related to this video. My Mum's the type of person to have a new child at age 58 just to keep someone in her control (under the guise of simply "loving motherhood" of course; sickening after all she's done), and that's exactly what she did. Me and my sibling are in our mid 30s, btw, so imagine the emotional impact when we found out she was with child on purpose at her age. Insane how some people will use a beautiful thing like bringing life into the world as an attempt to manipulate others. I imagine she's quite upset with me for not taking the bait after all the medical efforts she went through to become pregnant this late in life in the first place. I must say, I truly feel sorry for my new half-sibling, and I wish there was something I could do, but I have to keep my own mental health intact, so I do not plan to engage. I will be here later on in that child's life if they ever decide to seek me out of their own free will, however; that's the best I can do, given the circumstances.
I'm in the process of trying to figure out how to cut off contact with a family member. I have given them so many chances and I'm always the one to "forgive" but it's getting to where I'm done with them. I get all this. Thank you for this video.
Honestly the things your mother told you WERE emotional abuse ❤ I’m sorry you had to go through that, I’ve been through similar stuff so I know the pain 😢 if that makes you feel better, I’ve gone limited contact with both of my parents and my mom contacts me regularly but it’s always very manipulative, guilt-tripping, gaslighting and selfish. She doesn’t contact me because she cares about me but because she’s trying to get me back under her control (she’s narcissistic). Every time I receive something from her it’s super stressful and I almost wish she barely talked to me like my dad 😂
I moved out at 17. Still on my own thankfully and not thankfully. Thank you for sharing this. Ive had to limit contact with family but for different reasons. i can relate though
I've broken contact before and reluctantly reconnected when he showed up to my house in tears a few years later. It's been increasingly awkward and strained in the last few years, and I've been thinking about cutting contact again just to get one painful obligation off my eternal to-do list. Honestly, I've been fantasizing about selling everything and leaving the state or the country 😂 hovels in the woods are looking good these days
I also went no contact with my mother 6 months ago. It’s hard bc I realized she is most likely asd as well (was actually dx with Asperger’s in the late 90’s, then reevaluated as bipolar/manic depression) she is in complete denial, offended if you mention anything about autism like it’s a dirty word, denies my diagnosed child being asd says “she’s just like me there’s nothing wrong with her she’s just different” or “you did that when you were little” she thinks every step I make is wrong and I’m a bad mom, “don’t put her in speech, she will talk when she’s ready” constantly challenging our decisions, every time I’ve had a child (3) and excited to tell her what we decided to name baby it’s goes something like “oh nooooooo, don’t name him/her that” “you should name him/her ________” lol I almost changed our youngest’s middle name bc she wouldn’t stop talking about it but we decided we didn’t care for her opinion- she didn’t even raise me and my brothers the majority of our lives we were with family then foster care until we aged out, once grandma got sick) last time I saw her was before Christmas I took her gifts over and she literally threw hersheys candy filled candy canes at me randomly & started screaming about random things, no simple thank you for the gifts or anything so I decided I’m done trying to “maintain” a relationship with her. She is constantly talking lowly of my husband who is really the only reason I haven’t cut her out of my life years ago, he’s the one that’s always said “she’s your mom regardless” yet she always attacks him…It is just very hard to deal with, to sum it all up. I love her, she is my mom and gave me life. but it’s not my responsibility or obligation to just take her bs. I also always feel like conversations between us were very one sided, she talked & I listened and I never felt heard/felt stupid for talking about anything that she doesn’t want to discuss and she would quickly change the topic to something she’s already discussed 100x. It sucks bc I know in my heart she is absolutely autistic but she’ll probably never accept it/look into it and just dismisses it
What you describe is definitely abuse. If you don't wanna call it that, maybe you'd be ok with calling it emotional abuse. I can most definitely relate. I won't go into detail, but I cut off one parent when I was 12.
This felt too familiar to me. Like I feel that I predict the next thing you said. I’m still a minor, I would be in no place to afford the things I need, but what can I do?
30:38 - in hopes that you'll appreciate this bluntness: the only version of "I don't care" that I'm getting from your voice and your posture and such ("and shit") is that kind of "I don't care" that's a defense mechanism for someone who cares a great deal, but it's painful. And... on the one hand, I'm scared to leave this comment, lest it burst your ability to employ that defense mechanism, because I think you may well still need it. At the same time, I imagine it's good to keep some level of awareness that it's only that: a defense mechanism.... 💜
P.S. I feel it's important for me to state that I don't know that I'm right about this or anything. I'm just sharing how it seems to me, since you mentioned the idea of how your audience would perceive things... this is how I'm perceiving it. And... now I'm thinking of that scene from Good Will Hunting: "It's not your fault." (ad infinitum.)
P.P.S. re 41:51 - Yes, I definitely relate to a lot of this. My experiences are quite different, and I don't wish to recount them all now, but... I can relate. I didn't talk to my dad at all for 17 years, and while I've nominally re-established contact now, it's _very_ limited and _very_ cautiously engaged in, when I do.
"my brothers dont have to, dad doesnt have to, why do I?" watching the unfairness of being a girl made me want to be a boy so badly. Not trans, but envy. I'd wear the most boyish clothes I had, had the hood on my jacket up as much as I was allowed. The VP at my elementary was greeting students one morning and called me "young man" and I was delighted, it was working! Would I be allowed to play with the boys, like the "boy" toys and games, be encouraged to be good at the "boy" subjects? No such luck. "I felt I was very lucky to have the family I had" Same! I thought I was a privileged kid because I had food and doctor access. I didn't know I reeked of cat piss, I was the stinky kid, because my parents had tons of cats they couldn't really manage and because my parents never cared if I kept up with my laundry or hygiene. I'd get cavity after cavity every dentist trip because nobody ever helped me get a brushing routine, and all I needed was help. My mom would smell my breath some mornings and instead of realizing I needed help remembering she'd hand me gum before class, where I'd promptly have to spit it out. My dad was completely distant, no help at all. The only thing that ever stirred my folks into action was embarrassment if others noticed the neglect, which led to me being punished. Not helped, just berated and punished.
It sounds like your dad was on the spectrum and went no contact from your mom, while still home. I moved out at 13. I did whatever I had to do. Loved with far away relatives for a few years until their life fell apart.
They did abuse you. It's okay to call it abuse. Well done for looking after yourself by cutting her off. I know it's very painful. Have tried to but not quite got there myself. ❤️🩹
You were abused, absolutely, you can claim that. You were emotionally neglected - that's abuse. You were gaslit about your health - that's abuse. Unfortunately I relate a lot. Glad you're in a better place ❤️🩹
That is quite abusive Dana, the way your mum treated you. It sounds like you were used as the scapegoat ❤
I am just learning about the scapegoat thing. No contact is not new. I’ve done it a bunch of times with different people. It’s called establishing BOUNDARIES.
You were definitely a victim of emotional abuse Dana. You're so much better off without your mum.
After I broke down from severe autistic burnout (which is how i got diagnosed with audhd etc), i also had to go no contact with my abusive mother. I am convinced she has narssasistic personality disorder. While my father is also nerodivergent. I am late, diagnosed autistic, with inattentive adhd, ocd and i have cptsd from narssasistic abuse. I also ended up with a narssasistic partner, who caused me more abuse. I also have an older step sister with borderline personality disorder. I found your story very relatable. After i told my mother she needed to go to see someone about her narssasistic patterning, she started a smear campaign against me and turned my whole family against me with lies. When i had my wost brakdown, she convinced everyone that i was pretending to shake, cry and have panic attacks because i was just looking for attention and putting on a show. This was very ironic considering i am the opposite, i dont like attention, i usually cover and hide any issues im having, and i isolate to hide away as much as possible. To this day, no knows or fully believes my issues except my current partner. Again, it is very ironic, considering i am actilually severely autistic. I can't drive because of anxiety, sensory issues, and dissociation. I also rushed to move out, and have mostly isolated for the past 15 years or so. I haven't had a friend since i was 21, because i just dont have the energy or trust to nurture one. People also tend to mean pain to me. I cant survive on my own either, i am genuinely afraid I'll just freez up and starve to death. Yet those who i love dont see me or care, or are twisted my my mother. Beiing an empathic and logical person, i canonot fathom manipulation and huting people this way on purpose, nor why my mother has to try and compete with me, her daughter. All i want is for one person in my life who i can sit down and have a cup of tea with too. Someone who will ask me about myself or how im doing, and actually mean it! Someone who will listen and care and who will be as kind and loyal as i am. I dont understand this world or these constant games aulistic people play and especially cruelty and manipulation. I hate it here, im so exhausted by everyone and everything. Its too loud, too bright, too intrusive, too painful, to cruel; its torture, and worst of all i live in South Africa where, besides anti depession meds prescribed by my gp, i cant afford mental health help because i cant hold down a job, at the moment, my burnout and ocd is so bad, i can barely function at all.
The one thing i will say that did help me, was going no contact with my mother. I went from a whole life of being complient to her, to finally putting my foot down. Sure i became a joke to my family and basically lost alk of them too, but at least i didnt have to deal with her directly anymore.
You did the right thing, and btw, all abuse boils down to psychological abuse, including neglect. All forms and levels of abuse, especially towards nerodivergent people, count as abuse, and you never know how badly abuse of any kind will affect one person to the next. I also make excuses for my family, but your experience as a result of their parenting and choices is still your experience. We desterve better.
The hardest lesson im learning during this worst round of burnout is that my health and sanity demands i put myself first and you must do the same.
Blessings and supportive hugs to all who need it ❤
I'm so sorry. I'm neurotypical but relate to a lot of what you write. I have cptsd, am empathetic and vulnerable and keep finding myself in abusive relationships and friendships. I don't isolate as much as you do, but I too fear that I may not be able to survive without help. Sending you love from Finland. ❤️🩹
@user-tq4fm4he8i Thank you, and I'm sorry you are in a similar boat. Here's to life getting better! 💖
I know what you feel, I’m also autistic with a narcissistic mother and an undiagnosed autistic (and probably also narcissistic) father 😢
I also broke contact. Childhood wasn't particularly joyful as an undiagnosed autistic person with parents who were constantly shouting at each other and their kids. I (luckily?) don't remember anything up to age 18 (when I moved out) besides some still images and phrases.
It was 2010/11-ish. I already barely had contact. She asked me why. I told her that I do not want to talk about it because anytime I talk about how I feel they start shouting and blaming me. She swore she would listen and be kind. One sentence in and - of course - she went off. I did this bad thing and that, and I just shouldn't complain. I had a good childhood, other parents physically beat their children.
Contact was less but I still had contact. Then my dad (who wasn't my biological dad) was diagnosed cancer. I had goats at that time, they still got milk, but very little, about 0.5 liters per day. She told me fresh goat milk was the best against cancer, and she wants 2 liters per week. I said no. she said, that if I wouldn't give her the milk she would break contact. I still said no. I just wasn't willing to have all the work with the animals and then give away half the milk.
But that was the final straw for me, and I took her offer to break contact. She of course continued contacting me, which I couldn't understand, she was the one who said "no milk, no contact!". But for me it was over. No contact since more than 12 years. I once got a letter from her. That this is not the way to deal with things and I have to talk to her and tell her what is going on. Did not respond. Bad son!
Wanted to add: I felt bad and guilty for many years. But I physically could not have contact. There was a wall I could not pass, and I panicked. I then found an article that I am not alone (which I genuinely thought I was - everybody keeps contact to their parents!), many children go no contact, and it is nothing to feel bad about. And that helped me a lot!
Same for me, my mother sneered at me that she was 'washing her hands of me' but then went mental when I accepted it and stopped replying to her contact. That was in 2013.
You're describing abuse. She was abusive and seemed to enjoy it from the way you describe iit (no matter how it might feel to you). For her to tell you to stop faking puking sounds like she may also have a condition, because it is clear that something was wrong, even if it was caused by social anxiety triggered by knowing you are going to school.
I don't talk to my mother and haven't for 9-years (I'm 40) and she has the same built-in denial of _"That never happened"_ whenever she was told of something she did/said when I was a child. Complete self protection mode. She must have never expected me to remember.
Such types of people never see that they are the wrong ones because they think that their passion on such subjects has something to do with being correct. As if stubborned and vindiction are equal.
Thanks for sharing. HOpe you're getting enough KO-fi donations. Signing on is soul destroying.
I'm estranged from my family. I excused a lot - "it was a different time," "they were young and doing their best," "it wasn't the worst in comparison," "they have their own traumas and struggles," and all that {thanks hyper empathy and early psychology and crime special interests, appreciate the fuel for my fawning}. As soon as I graduated I moved 1000 miles away with my own abusive creep. My first trip back after breaking up with him I went the bury the hatchet route, which wasn't so much working things out as me deciding I'm the good daughter and an adult now, so I gotta let bygones be bygones. Told my mother I understood and I was sorry I didn't make things easier, but ffs, I barely ever did anything wrong. All I got in return was an "Aww, didn't I raise a good kid," sentiment. At the time I Was proud of that. Now I'm just like "No! F'ing NO! I RAISED ME AND I TURNED OUT TO BE A GOOD PERSON IN SPITE OF MY CHILDHOOD!" But learning I was Autistic and seeing that my parents and my sibling are clearly ND too is just more fuel for the excuse fire, so I just mask up every few months when I call them. Haven't even told them I'm Autistic or that I have cancer, how f'd up is that? But I prefer them all at arm's length. I can see myself getting to a point where I want to heal the rifts, but I am nowhere near that right now.
Is guilt preveting you from doing that?
@@t.a.4356 It's more that I finally realize I don't owe them anything of myself. I haven't ever put myself first, I've always done what was expected of me or what would upset others the least no matter how much it cost me. Now I just don't have the time, energy or desire to open up to and be vulnerable with the people who spent my whole childhood making me that small, inconsequential person.
I'm so sorry, that sound like a lot of emotional abuse 😢 You are really strong for getting though it and for doing so well despite it all 😊💪
This is all so familiar! My parents were/ are emotionally & physically abusive. They always back each other up, so it's like talking to a monolith. Before I stopped contacting them I did try to bring up various incidents & they always galighted me/ denied it happened/ said they couldn't remember. They don't want our relationship to change, so I no longer want the relationship. I don't have the energy since perimenopause hit!
3 years no contact with my parents ! I can relate to this so much 💯
Thanks for sharing this. I am no contact with 90 to 99% of my own family minus my parents, aunt and great grandmother. I experienced emotional abuse, gaslighting and emotional neglect and felt like something was wrong with me for a long time.
People place so much value on family and expect you to dedicate yourself to them but if you surround yourself around toxic family, you're making yourself stuck.
Thank you for sharing. It's super helpful to hear other tales of low/no contact.........in an of itself it is it's own challenge.
Hey Dana, I am also autistic and I was diagnosed with Aspergers in 2009 before it was considered ASD or high functioning autism , in 2022 while on holiday with my family my brother (47 y old) said im not autistic and that ive got Aspergers and to stop using it as an excuse to be a victim. At the time i was 26 and being a fully grown man i broke down crying in public so it was a very embarrassing event , he said to me that i shouldn't say im autistic to put myself down... a few years later he did it again at a family dinner... my dad intervened and told him off but my brother doubled down and it left a sour taste at the table. To try and resolve this i sent him proof from the nhs website of the modern definition of autism followed by screenshots of my diagnosis documents but after speaking about it with him , he said that because im not physically disabled and im able to hold down a job and communicate to an effective standard that i shouldn't use it as an argument to define who i am because apprently "im better then that" as if to say being autistic is bad
I understand that is alot to read and process xD , sorry.. but if i could get your input and advise on how to deal with this and approach it because i feel its a huge injustice towards me
Asperger's has been part of the ASD spectrum in DSM 5 since 1994. I was diagnosed with Asperger's in grade 7, 1978-79 school year. Useless facts, full of them. Does it even matter with specific dates. Been told that is a feature of Asperger's, I'm sure you're aware. But in different countries there is another equivalent to the DSM maybe that one 2009.
@@chrismaxwell1624 I didn't know that, I read online that in 2013 Asperger's was no longer needed to be a stand alone term seperate from ASD and is now just part of the spectrum
@@chrismaxwell1624 The ICD is used in many countries and Asperger's was still diagnosed until 2019. In the DSM (put out in the USA and used by some other countries as well) Asperger's stopped being diagnosed in 2013.
UPDATE
my brother has tripled down on his beliefs and says I'm still a victim and that I am not autistic because there is no scientific research into the differences between Asperger's and autism (which isn't true) as he believes it's all woke propaganda and there is no scientific research to differentiate the two other then fact hans asperger the Austrian scientist was a Nazi so my brother refuses to recognize it , I am still fighting this argument and it's caused a huge rift in my family
If I could, I would cut off my parents too.
Mental health has been bad as far as I can remember. Similar situation as yourself.
When you get lonely and want to return to that atmosphere because itts familiar and no one else to turn to
This! I just had to turn to my abusive mum again after my boyfriend started threatening me. I also turned to my closest friend whom I was in low contact with due to problems there too. It's horrible to be in a cycle of all my closest support people being abusive and being in such desperate situations that I still have to turn to them just to survive.
My youngest son is your age. I have an older son and a middle daughter. They are my everything. I love them with all my heart. My mother was like your mother. I always wondered what I did to deserve all the hate and physical abuse. I learned I was autistic at 52, which explained everything. Then I put it all together and thought she just didn't like me because I wasn't what she expected for a daughter. I was never good enough somehow. She did favorite my younger brother who was an alcoholic and in jail a lot. He stole from them often but yet they adored him which I could never understand. So bizaar, that dynamic. After many decades of therapy I've healed for the most part. Mom is gone now, Dad is 78. We aren't close either. Haven't spoken to my brothers in over 10 years. Now it's just me and my own family who were always the family I wanted- loving, close, accepting, supportive. At least I broke the cycle.
I related to so much of what you said. You are a lovely being with so much light and brilliance. You have a good beat on it. I was heartbroken for you hearing it. Sometimes all we can do is go forward and build the life we want. It does feel like a terrible loss looking back. I don't remember hugs or words of praise ir support, but I give all those things to my children. Every single one. Keep on shining you beautiful diamond!
My dad did something totally inexcusable to me as a teenager and every time I've tried to bring it up to him he would just say "well, I'm sure i had a good excuse."
I can relate. It's hard because I thought very highly of my dad but as I got older and experienced the truth of who he actually was it was so damaging. Not only would he do awful things to me, he seemed to have no remorse. It was like the game for him was to manipulate the situation so he could get away with it. Well, that gets old after awhile especially since I saw through him for years. It took almost 20 years for me to finally accept that there is no hope he will change. I protect myself when it comes to him and I don't owe him anything even though he's tried very hard to make me think I do.
Hardly a surprise but I had a VERY similar experience, right down to the desire for emancipation at 16! I'm completely cut off from anyone and everyone to whom I'm biologically related.
Thank you for sharing, as always! Without being in a moment where I can more fully reply, I just want to say that yes, this is relatable in ways that are hard to sum up succinctly. And I appreciate the time, energy, consideration, and kindness you are able to put into sharing about this kind of experience. Simply put, going no contact with certain family members has been one of the most important decisions I've ever made. In my mid twenties I did that for about a year before returning to relating with them out of self blame and guilt, thinking I was mistaken and just being selfish and hurtful to them, until eventually realizing in my 30s that going no contact actually is totally appropriate and not something to blame myself for deciding to do. Still a thing to process, but life is different once going beyond the whole "but what if I'd done things differently" mindset.
I cut off both my parents a little more than a year ago, but in the year prior to that I barely talked to them as well. And once I did, they proved to be just as toxic as ever and I just felt like I had had enough.
I think a big part of my parents inability to be parents are that they are undiagnosed autistic, and in my mother’s case ADHD as well. I’m sure there are autists out there who are great parents, but especially the undiagnosed aspect of it for my parents made it really difficult for them. But it still does not excuse their awful behaviour towards me. My memory of my mother when I was young was that she just lied on the couch after work, doing nothing. Which led to my parents arguing with each other every day, since my dad was left to do all the house work. It is really sad since it is clear that my mother was just out of energy for the day. And still she decided to have three children. So I never felt safe at home. I remember being at my friends’ very often, probably because I felt safer there.
Being autistic I have always struggled with romantic relationships, which my mother would nag about every time she met me. I would try to establish a boundary over and over again, but she just didn’t care. I am late diagnosed only last year, so she just thought I wasn’t trying hard enough. But it is a bit like asking a person in a wheelchair if they have walked up a staircase recently every time you meet them. And even if I was NT, I think it’s such a shitty attitude to have. She should just love me for who I am, and not put my entire worth into whether I have a romantic relationship or not.
At one point I went to a week long trip abroad with my family including my sisters and their SOs, and I was bullied by my parents and my sisters’ SOs the entire trip. I was in a deep depression and had not kept my hair cut and wore untidy clothes. Being bullied was obviously the exact opposite of what I needed at that time. It led to me shutting down and not talking to them just lying in bed the last day. I was 28. This is unforgivable.
I used to have a somewhat good relationship with my father, but he changed after he retired. His job had been a huge part of his life and identity, so it just left a hole where there was nothing to replace it with. He became a very bitter person who will take that bitterness out on anyone that’s nearby. In other words, me. He would make fun of me for almost everything I said or did that seemed ”weird”, something I as autistic already have huge amounts of trauma around. When I tried to establish a boundary around this he just didn’t care.
I thought about cutting my parents off for so long, I am severely burned out and need a lot of support with everything so I would really need them in my life. But they are so toxic and I always got intense anxiety after spending time with them so I just can’t.
I can't wait to comment even if it 's the begginning. Yeah, it was abusive. My own story is so similar to yours, even thought I live from the other side of the plannet. It's been only 4 months that they cutt off (I'm 38) and I would have died if I have nit said anything this time, because they armed my daughter. I swear to myself It was the first and last Time. I was a dufficult child too. I had the same speeches you had. We are alive, and that 's incredible ! Thanks so much for talking about this, I won t feel alone anymore. 💙🙏
I think you've done the right thing for yourself and that's what's important here. I'm sorry that you were even put in the situation to begin with but I am so happy that you got yourself out of it. I can relate on some level because I have a sister that's much older than me that I eventually realized (at the age of 40) that I needed to minimalize any contact with for my own wellbeing. Just because someone is technically family doesn't mean they get a free pass to be abusive, on any level.
I’m going through the same situation right tf now and it’s good to know that it’s other autistics on the other side of this yo u give me hope I can make it out lol, I be feeling like I’m trapped sometimes💯💯
I've always felt like the odd one out from my sisters because I'm the only one out of the 3 of us that doesn't speak to my dad . Im always conflicted on whether or not to re enter him in my life because of how much i struggle as an adult now because of the trauma and on how he used to treat me . I feel he doesn't understand how his actions affected us. It's so hard. This video made me feel less alone thankyou .
You gave me hope, Dana, really. My two parents are texting me horrible things because I dared to talk about the fact they made my daughter cry. It was screaming all along. And now, they say that if I can't text again they will know I cutted off, meaning it will be my choice and my fault. I feel the same way about what you said, to be a real orphan would'nt be less traumatic . They asked me, by the way, if I was an orphan because it was the first time in 38 years I didn't follow all their rules to call and text...they wrote me they could'nt admit it, it was so disrespectful,, after all they've done for me !...(yes, traumatic memories, thank you)...Your words were healing me. I don't know how to show you my gratitude. Merci !
Family expectations can be so hard. I'm glad you've found peace with your boundaries. Life is complicated and the future is unknown, so keep your beautiful heart open. As someone from a family where emotions were never discussed and punished actually, I completely relate and thank you for sharing.
I don't want to share my story of my parents but I'm glad you made this video. I feel like I've found someone who I can really relate to and I feel very validated
just as a note: unintentional abuse is still abuse, just because they didn't what they were doing/were in denial about it or similar, doesn't make the impact any less worse.
But of course, it's easier to say this about emotional/mental abuse, because the scars are not as visible to anyone but yourself, if it was physical abuse, then the whole "but it wasn't intentional" really would sound more ridiculous to our ears (ours as in, I had a bad childhood and my family seems to be in complete denial having done anything wrong, were always of the opinions and still are thinking that they had good intentions even about some of the physical abuse, but mostly mentally and emotionally).
It's hard to admit though, that they did wrong, because of course we would like to think/believe, that if they had known and understood what they were doing, that they would have never done it to us, but the truth is, they were and are adults, they made choices, decisions and they could have tried listening and working through things on their own, work on their mistakes and acknowledge them when we come to them about it, but what we usually see, is that they continue their narrative about "how they meant well" and never change.
Sorry if this sounds quite bitter, but I'm 36 now and had been trying to somehow connect to my family and make them understand what I went through and at some point I had to stop trying because I realized they just kept circling back to their mindsets of denial and pushing any responsibility away, which does not leave any space for those relationships to heal since I'm not willing anymore to try to put any effort into mending what they don't even see as broken or they are thinking "past is past", while I'm still living with the aftermath of it so much time later despite therapy.
Also sidenote: pretty sure I'm Audhd....pretty sure my dad had untreated and undiagnosed ADHD which caused alot of issues...and my mom either audhd or just autism, it seemed to have a profound impact on my family, that we had issues to deal with and instead of addressing them, they kept being "brushed under the rug" and either pretended that they weren't there or that it was personal failing of each person who was struggling...unsurprisingly that didn't go well in multiple ways and seems to have been going on for generations...
I'm no contact (or very short/brief contact) with most of my family now, a little more contact with my brother and mom because they seemed to be a bit more open to acknowledging what was going on
dana i want you to know that you are fully allowed to confidently say your parents, especially mom, was emotionally abusive. this is 100% abuse. cutting her off was the best decision you ever made. i’m so proud of you for doing the hard thing. you are doing an amazing job taking care of yourself. much love
This video helped me feel so much less alone with my own family estrangement journey. Thank you and I hope we can both completely heal someday.
Hi Dana. Something you said, about how your mother asked "what are you going to do without us", when you were leaving her, this sounds to me like she was trying to manipulate and gaslight you. It seems she was the one who fell she needed you and your brothers (to shout at you, humiliate and belittle you), and tried to make you feel small and unable to live on your own. Your decision to leave was right, it was the best and healthier decision. It sounds like it was a very toxic environment. Don't ever doubt yourself and do not feel guilty. You have done so much more than enough. ❤ This reminds me of a toxic environment i was in once. I worked at a small business, and our boss and business owner was a horrible woman. I think she was a psychopath, or at the very least a narcissist sociopath. She verbally abused everybody, she humiliated her employees and belittled us. She usually liked to humiliate someone when there were people around, because it made it feel so much worse. I decided to leave that place after seeing her humiliate in front of me the person that was most important to her, and who did most favours for her (he even worked for free on weekends when she needed him). For a normal person it makes no sense to treat another person that way especially when she needed him. But I realised she was doing that very deliberately to gaslight her employees into thinking they had no worth, their skills were bad, they wouldn't find a better job anywhere else and they should be so grateful for that amazing opportunity of working for her for such a bad salary. It was despicable. And it didn't work on me. I'm glad i left, and good riddance. This was years ago. Some months ago i found out her company had gone bankrupt. Oh how that made me feel happy! 😂 This kind of abusive people are so toxic. Your mother sounds like she was toxic as well. I think you made the right choice when you left.
Sadly relatable content, though I'm low contact, not no contact. Just waiting out the clock at this point, tbh.
Thanks for sharing. It's important to discuss these things, it can feel very isolating and lonely. Accepting that I was never going to have the kind of parents any child deserves was a big turning point for moving on and healing for me too. How the hell am I related to these people, indeed.
Our parents sound similar. No negative emotions allowed, crying was verbally punished, which obviously was then cyclical, constantly reminded that i was a burdon, asked on several occasions what people even saw in me.
You don't need to minimalize what happened to you, yeah some people have it worse but you still suffered and you shouldn't have.
I guess my "cut off" was my dad was never around because he was a heroin addict but a few years ago he tried to mend a relationship with me, I've never valued the idea of family and blood, but for his sake I gave him that chance. He evetually flaked out after a few emails. A year or so later, he tries again and at this point I don't even care enough to give him a chance, I recently came out as trans so I wrote him a letter saying that and the trash took it's self out 😎
Thank you so much for sharing that! I'm so sorry you've gone through all of this, and so happy that you are not in contact with them anymore!
It's very supportive to see matching parts of the stories. I'm in no contact with my parents for about half a year now. But I literally needed to move to the other part of Europe, to feel safe enough that they won't try to reach me. The part there you telling that it's people you have nothing to talk about with is sooo relatable! But I also agree that about any other relationship people would've said: why do you keep being in this one, but with parents "it's family". For me stopping point was then I realized if I was describing such behavior (constant critism, entitlement, zero effort to know me and etc) and I was talking about friend or a partner, I would've expect people to tell me "get away as soon as possible". And I totally feel that it's waaay easier to be without my parents in my life, though it hurts sometimes, especially on holidays.
I jumped in my chair and cheered “Yis! Yis! Yis!” when you got to the point where you broke up with your mom! You're so coool! 👏
Oh so much same!! No contact for over a decade now. Life changing.
It trips me out how similar your family dynamics were to mine, except I am not autistic and it was my mom who apologized and died. My siblings are totally captured by and defensive about my dad.
So much of your story is raising similar memories for me
i relate to some of this. i definitely experienced emotional neglect. i am hesitant to say i experienced abuse - especially back then, i don’t think most people would have called it abuse. but i did have similar experiences of having both physical and emotional problems (and of course sensory needs) ignored and invalidated, always being punished for crying or being upset. and i was also never taught how to deal with my emotions and sent to my room a lot to deal with it on my own. and my mom also always made it a point to tell me how good of a mother she was and how she did everything for me and it’s like yeah, i’m not disagreeing that you kept me alive but i have a lot more needs than just food, shelter, and clothes & stuff like that. i was suffering immensely with my mental health and receiving absolutely no help and just told that i have no reason whatsoever to be unhappy in any way. i didn’t cut her off but i did get to the point where i had to tell her that i will not be opening up to her about anything because she is an emotionally unsafe person and i can’t keep putting myself into a position where i’m being hurt and thankfully she hasn’t been continuing to shame me about the way i’m living my life so that’s nice but i still have a massive amount of anxiety when i have to see her or when i get a text from her even though nothing bad has happened for like a couple years. i still hate that i can’t actually discuss our relationship though because i know that it won’t go well at all and she’ll just act like i’m trying to villainize her when really i just want to explain the impact and work through it.. i don’t know if our relationship can improve but i do know i have to accept that it will never be what i wanted it to be.
I cut off my abusive mum years ago
💯
I wasn't abused but I was emotionally detached. To me my family were people i lived with. I found that to be with them was overly stressful and would push my anxiety to the limit so from a very early age i lived in my own little world on the edge of my family .when I left home it was rocky time and i visited only occasionally. At 30ish i shut every one out for over 20yrs and just got on with life, work wise doing ok but totally pants with relationships. I was glad to reunite with my mother for the last 3yrs of her life and get on well with my brother now. But father and sister are still not welcome. I function best on my own but am learning to cope with emotional people. I work on personal safety and survival, its all i can do .🧔
I think your mum might possibly be autistic ..the more you described the dynamic especially the bit around her own mum treating her “worse” it’s becoming quite visible to me how none of the projections put out into the world is even about us breathing as autistic children coming up..but more just the shoddy messaging they came up hearing growing up & never confronted & now have to walk around the world wounded, wounding others instead of confronting & healing their own emotional wounds
Much love to the MANY autistic folks (& myself) who can relate to similar stories like these & remain resilient in voicing the reality of our lives without fear
we found ourselves & community through the process of so many tries to convince us we were the only ones & no one would believe us..& now lots more coming forward speaking out & helping each other speak heal & build, relieved & thankful ❤️
The full saying is along the lines of, the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Meaning the opposite of what people who throw "blood is thicker than water" at you.
Chosen family is the family that matters
Haven't spoken to my Da is over a decade. And I stay away for the exact reason you do; Because I will never get the relationship I wanted/needed. It's not worth breaking myself for something that won't happen. Always being so relatable, omg
I have been no-contact with my father since 1998. He was s. abusive. It is worth it.
My mother doesn't seem like a mother. She just seems like a person I know. I had to let my longing for a motherly mother go. She used to yell a lot but she stopped so I didn't have to go no-contact with her.
I don’t know anyone that goes through the multitude of negative emotions that come with cutting off a parent without it being worth it in the end! So difficult but for the best in the long run 💕
@@DanaAndersen Yes, it is hard to do but worth it.
I am the same with my dad's extended family. I had no contact with them in over 15 years. My dad's brother and sister don't even know my dad is dead. None of the family have bothered to ring my dad's mobile to see how he is so sod them. They treated my dad like shit in life so f*ck them.
I've not really broken contact but I haven't sought contact with my mother for the last 6 months because she wouldn't accommodate my needs at all. When I went over to see her and my younger 3 step-siblings for mothers day I arrived on Friday evening at around 10pm , tried to sleep there, got very little sleep, then spent all of Saturday doing things with them. After staying there that night, in the morning on Sunday I realized I didn't have enough 'get up and go' to get through that day with them and I would end up having a meltdown if I stayed so I decided I was going to go home. My mum made this into a big thing because Sunday was mother's day and I was leaving on her day and she wanted to go out and take photos and I left before she got up because the bus options were 8:30 or 2:00 and I wouldn't have managed til 2... so a whole kerfuffle in which I was apparently the devil for doing reasonable things that adults do like leaving parties when they feel they've had enough and isolating to emotionally regulate when needed. So because my mum's expectations are beyond even reasonable for an alist of my age let alone myself I haven't talked to her even though it's been both of our birthdays since then.
Edit: Also, sort of off topic, I have found my relationship with my Dad is actually strangely better even though he denies my diagnosis whereas my Mum acknowledges it but doesn't accommodate at all. I think it's possible my dad is also autistic and I know my older brother is autistic so I think he might just be one of those "But that's just normal. Everyone does that" kind of deniers who just doesn't realize it isn't 'normal'.
Thanks for this video Dana. I really appreciate you and your content
I relate a lot. I also left when I was 16, as soon as I could. I ended up moving back in with my parents when my abusive marriage ended and I needed somewhere to go. I felt like things were good for a while with my parents. I suspect my mum is also autistic. She bases a lot of her identity in fixing things , and gets quite distressed by any conversation where her role isn't giving advice or practical solutions. I became a wheelchair user in the past few years and I don't think that fits with how her brain works. She sees me as broken and something to fix. She keeps inviting me to things and saying "there won't be room for the wheelchair" as if I could come without it. When she pushes the wheelchair she says things like "This is hard work, can you get out?". I understand that in her mind shame and passive aggression worked to "cure" my autism as a kid, but it won't make my legs work again.
Thank you, this video was really good and it is such an important topic
I relate to so much of this, especially the "not allowed to have any issues." My relationship with my father was being screamed at, threatened and beaten, and my mother pretty much ignored me. After college, I ended up confronting my father over the yelling. I had gone to visit them and he immediately started screaming at me because i had walked home from the subway rather than call him. I told him that he either had to stop yelling or I was getting on a plane and flying back to Vermont. He kept yelling and I just repeated myself, and made no move to enter the house. Though I had to confront him often over the next few years about the yelling and abuse, he did eventually come around. As for my mother, I asked her why she never took any of my mental problems seriously. At that point she revealed that my kindergarten teacher had pressured them to have me looked at by a psychiatrist, because "I didn't have all my beans" (using the sophisticated psychological lingo of the 1950s). My mother said I wasn't causing trouble at school, just not playing, participating, or talking. The only thing that worried her was when I would space out and not be there at all. I didn't tell her then (or ever) that I had had a complete mental breakdown at four, with a lot of hallucinations. I hid it from them, and got through it on my own. I didn't expect any emotional support from them, because I knew, even then, that it just wasn't going to happen. My parents' generation was expected to have kids, but that doesn't mean that they liked kids, or really wanted them.
that hour flew by! thanks Dana
I broke contact as well. My Father was absent from my life from my early childhood and my Mother, well... there's a lot to unpack there. My sibling was the golden child, one who thankfully mostly escaped her clutches eventually (they have their own set of traumas to deal with after being Mum's pawn for so long) and these days we're very close, though they insist on keeping contact... Anyway, I'm not gonna go into my life story, I just wanted to say I very much related to this video.
My Mum's the type of person to have a new child at age 58 just to keep someone in her control (under the guise of simply "loving motherhood" of course; sickening after all she's done), and that's exactly what she did. Me and my sibling are in our mid 30s, btw, so imagine the emotional impact when we found out she was with child on purpose at her age. Insane how some people will use a beautiful thing like bringing life into the world as an attempt to manipulate others. I imagine she's quite upset with me for not taking the bait after all the medical efforts she went through to become pregnant this late in life in the first place. I must say, I truly feel sorry for my new half-sibling, and I wish there was something I could do, but I have to keep my own mental health intact, so I do not plan to engage. I will be here later on in that child's life if they ever decide to seek me out of their own free will, however; that's the best I can do, given the circumstances.
I'm in the process of trying to figure out how to cut off contact with a family member. I have given them so many chances and I'm always the one to "forgive" but it's getting to where I'm done with them. I get all this. Thank you for this video.
Honestly the things your mother told you WERE emotional abuse ❤ I’m sorry you had to go through that, I’ve been through similar stuff so I know the pain 😢 if that makes you feel better, I’ve gone limited contact with both of my parents and my mom contacts me regularly but it’s always very manipulative, guilt-tripping, gaslighting and selfish. She doesn’t contact me because she cares about me but because she’s trying to get me back under her control (she’s narcissistic). Every time I receive something from her it’s super stressful and I almost wish she barely talked to me like my dad 😂
I moved out at 17. Still on my own thankfully and not thankfully. Thank you for sharing this. Ive had to limit contact with family but for different reasons. i can relate though
I've broken contact before and reluctantly reconnected when he showed up to my house in tears a few years later. It's been increasingly awkward and strained in the last few years, and I've been thinking about cutting contact again just to get one painful obligation off my eternal to-do list.
Honestly, I've been fantasizing about selling everything and leaving the state or the country 😂 hovels in the woods are looking good these days
I also went no contact with my mother 6 months ago. It’s hard bc I realized she is most likely asd as well (was actually dx with Asperger’s in the late 90’s, then reevaluated as bipolar/manic depression) she is in complete denial, offended if you mention anything about autism like it’s a dirty word, denies my diagnosed child being asd says “she’s just like me there’s nothing wrong with her she’s just different” or “you did that when you were little” she thinks every step I make is wrong and I’m a bad mom, “don’t put her in speech, she will talk when she’s ready” constantly challenging our decisions, every time I’ve had a child (3) and excited to tell her what we decided to name baby it’s goes something like “oh nooooooo, don’t name him/her that” “you should name him/her ________” lol I almost changed our youngest’s middle name bc she wouldn’t stop talking about it but we decided we didn’t care for her opinion- she didn’t even raise me and my brothers the majority of our lives we were with family then foster care until we aged out, once grandma got sick) last time I saw her was before Christmas I took her gifts over and she literally threw hersheys candy filled candy canes at me randomly & started screaming about random things, no simple thank you for the gifts or anything so I decided I’m done trying to “maintain” a relationship with her. She is constantly talking lowly of my husband who is really the only reason I haven’t cut her out of my life years ago, he’s the one that’s always said “she’s your mom regardless” yet she always attacks him…It is just very hard to deal with, to sum it all up. I love her, she is my mom and gave me life. but it’s not my responsibility or obligation to just take her bs. I also always feel like conversations between us were very one sided, she talked & I listened and I never felt heard/felt stupid for talking about anything that she doesn’t want to discuss and she would quickly change the topic to something she’s already discussed 100x. It sucks bc I know in my heart she is absolutely autistic but she’ll probably never accept it/look into it and just dismisses it
What you describe is definitely abuse. If you don't wanna call it that, maybe you'd be ok with calling it emotional abuse. I can most definitely relate. I won't go into detail, but I cut off one parent when I was 12.
I shared most of the same issues as you as a child with an undiagnosed child with autism & emotionally absent parents.
I ended my relationship with my ex-wife because it would never change to be anything but on her terms.
This felt too familiar to me. Like I feel that I predict the next thing you said. I’m still a minor, I would be in no place to afford the things I need, but what can I do?
30:38 - in hopes that you'll appreciate this bluntness: the only version of "I don't care" that I'm getting from your voice and your posture and such ("and shit") is that kind of "I don't care" that's a defense mechanism for someone who cares a great deal, but it's painful. And... on the one hand, I'm scared to leave this comment, lest it burst your ability to employ that defense mechanism, because I think you may well still need it. At the same time, I imagine it's good to keep some level of awareness that it's only that: a defense mechanism.... 💜
P.S. I feel it's important for me to state that I don't know that I'm right about this or anything. I'm just sharing how it seems to me, since you mentioned the idea of how your audience would perceive things... this is how I'm perceiving it.
And... now I'm thinking of that scene from Good Will Hunting: "It's not your fault." (ad infinitum.)
P.P.S. re 41:51 - Yes, I definitely relate to a lot of this. My experiences are quite different, and I don't wish to recount them all now, but... I can relate. I didn't talk to my dad at all for 17 years, and while I've nominally re-established contact now, it's _very_ limited and _very_ cautiously engaged in, when I do.
no contact golden child brother 15 years
no contact covert mom
happy
"my brothers dont have to, dad doesnt have to, why do I?" watching the unfairness of being a girl made me want to be a boy so badly. Not trans, but envy. I'd wear the most boyish clothes I had, had the hood on my jacket up as much as I was allowed. The VP at my elementary was greeting students one morning and called me "young man" and I was delighted, it was working! Would I be allowed to play with the boys, like the "boy" toys and games, be encouraged to be good at the "boy" subjects? No such luck.
"I felt I was very lucky to have the family I had" Same! I thought I was a privileged kid because I had food and doctor access. I didn't know I reeked of cat piss, I was the stinky kid, because my parents had tons of cats they couldn't really manage and because my parents never cared if I kept up with my laundry or hygiene. I'd get cavity after cavity every dentist trip because nobody ever helped me get a brushing routine, and all I needed was help. My mom would smell my breath some mornings and instead of realizing I needed help remembering she'd hand me gum before class, where I'd promptly have to spit it out. My dad was completely distant, no help at all. The only thing that ever stirred my folks into action was embarrassment if others noticed the neglect, which led to me being punished. Not helped, just berated and punished.
I relate to this soo much
This was horrifying to listen to 😔
I agree with the other commenters, Dana. That's definitely abusive.
My mom and I go from being loving and superficial to her being manipulative and lashing out.
You did the right thing.
Do you talk to your siblings?
It sounds like your dad was on the spectrum and went no contact from your mom, while still home.
I moved out at 13. I did whatever I had to do. Loved with far away relatives for a few years until their life fell apart.
🫂☀️❤️
100%
They did abuse you. It's okay to call it abuse. Well done for looking after yourself by cutting her off. I know it's very painful. Have tried to but not quite got there myself. ❤️🩹
You were abused, absolutely, you can claim that. You were emotionally neglected - that's abuse. You were gaslit about your health - that's abuse.
Unfortunately I relate a lot. Glad you're in a better place ❤️🩹
❤