I think another long term issue that parentified children face is the latent fear of having a child. Because our emotions are stretched taut (and we resent our families for exploiting that side of us), we develop an unecessary fear of creating another person who would most likely do that.
1. feeling you never got a childhood 2. you're overly self reliant as an adult 3. always giving advice 4. always in the role of caretaker in most of your relationships 5. very close identification with your parent(s) 6. resentment 7. anxiety i identify with all of these except for number 5. i wanted to be nothing like my parents
I identify with all of them except #4 Getting in a relationship makes me such a hot mess that I cannot take care of my partner. I'm also caught in a push/pull cycle where I desperately want to be taken care of but by the same token don't trust anyone to do it.
Same. I made sure I did everything the opposite of them, as I know I never had a childhood, never was validated, and became parentified at 3. Maybe younger.
My parents were incredibly overwhelmed ... they bombarded me with their problems since elementary school. My mom complained about my dad and vice versa, I was told we might lose our house and that my mom didn't know how to get food on the table. I became depressed and started self harming and was suicidal, it only got better after I moved out. Just a couple weeks ago my siblings told me that they even told my parents that I needed help really badly but my parents just shrugged it off. And that was the first time that I realized that my parents did something extremely harmful to me. I never thought they were great parents but I also never thought they did something very wrong. But realizing I did everything I could to always be emotionally there for them and mediate between them and try to make them feel better because I didn't want them to be alone in these situations ... and they couldn't even be bothered to talk to me or make an appointment with a psychologist even after being told I needed help ... that really crushed me. They really didn't care at all while all I do is care. After getting more into the subject I also realized that my younger sister was parentified as well. She always cleaned the house from a young age because my parents just wouldn't do it regularly. One time she came back from a week long class trip and my parents actually said "We are so glad you are back, so someone finally cleans up the kitchen again" I'm in therapy now because I'm still depressed and have self harming tendencies at the age of 26. I also don't have any long lasting deep friendships and never even had a relationship before because it's so scary to me to have a closer connection to another human being. But at least now I know the root of the problem
I feel exactly the same way. But I’m 17 and have also recently realized i’ve been parentified since my parents divorce since i was 6. i always knew my childhood was messed up but i always justified my parents behavior because their parents did the same thing but that was wrong. apparently my whole family (mom and siblings) were told by my family counselor that he was parentifying us back in 2012 and he found out and freaked out. but i wasn’t aware of this like the rest of my siblings and was always confused about why they totally stopped seeing him, except me. i learned about this because i was so so confused why my dad wouldn’t even validate my feelings and have compassion and like actual emotion that he’s hurting me.
I’m sorry you went through that also. I had a similar experience growing up I’m now 28 with a degree in psychology and even with a lot of awareness and forgiveness I still struggle. I really don’t know what else do but get therapy at this point because here I am watching these videos.
I didn’t know this had a label. I’m always trying to “fix” and save people. It brings me a lot of suffering and feelings of inadequacy because you can’t save people, but that’s what’s been ingrained in me. I feel afraid that if I leave, my little sister won’t be cared for because no one took care of me.
How old are you and your little sister? I am unable to move as I am a full-time college student without a job. Even if I could afford to move out, the idea of leaving my siblings behind makes me sick. I wouldn’t be there to protect my siblings from being yelled out and rejected for ridiculous things. I usually bring my little sister into my room during my mother’s breakdown to distract her. I wouldn’t be able to micro-manage everything like housework, caring for my siblings, running errands, and being the person my mom rants and vents too. It’s a challenging situation, and I’m sorry you have experienced that.
In therapy, I found out I was parentified. I was and am the good responsible child of my family. It is so difficult to unlearn this, even writing this comment makes me feel like I am taking up space. I went on to become the caretaker of not only my sibling but also my grandmother whom I lost. My grief became my guilt. Thank you for these videos Barbara. Your clarity and understanding helps a lot❤️
"even writing this comment makes me feel like I am taking up space" I get this totally. Parentification is basically parental neglect with the added work of being responsible for people who failed you. A viscous cycle of neglect and shame. It's severe abuse.
@@billyb4790 It's on now I realized how badly being made to take on responsibilities affected me. True it is severe abuse. What is worse is your contributions are not acknowledged. It is just taken for granted
That's the ultimate truth is that when your parents are codependent, they both lack a true self. Add narcissism to the plot, and the family unit becomes toxic and very chaotic. No amount of therapy in the world, will ever put a dent into the traumatic events the child experienced. Also, all the biblical teachings can heal the woundedness they had to endure. Believe me, I've tried it all. One just has to do the best they can with the time they have left!
My mother refused to learn English and never took responsibility for her own life. Guess who had to deal with everything? She always flew into rages and caused complete chaos in our family life. I have always despised her for it.
Damn my whole childhood was like that. I’m 26 now and I only realizing this . I feel bad for my little sisters. I think this is really generational and it sucks they really ruined my entire life .
So sorry to hear this... just want to say that recovery is possible so that your last phrase does not need to be true going forward. Wishing you all the best,
@@BarbaraHeffernan what is it called when an adult child is parenting the parent? And trying to and micromanaging time finances whats for dinner and demanding constant company , putting the parent down . ?treating her mother like she's a personal servant.
My parents literally pulled me out of school so I would be home to take care of my little brother while they were at work. And you’re very right, I am resentful. I got pulled out of 5th grade and didn’t go back to public school until 8th grade. It wasn’t so much a lack of childhood, but socially I was way behind. Going straight into the last grade of middle school with the social mentality of elementary school. I feel like middle school is an important part of figuring out who you are and I just feel like I was cheated out of that.
I was pulled out of middle school too and not even for a good reason. I never went back and have some resentment as I still cant catch up with the world.
I had to repeat 3rd grade due to similar circumstances. As a adult looking back there is no way social services would not have taken me and my siblings away at that age but I remember it so well and I know that mentally I had to be at least 10 years older in my way of thinking to have pulled off the shit I did then.
@@kassandra7607 You will always feel the impact. It is good that you understand the source. I wasn't able to let go of that responsibility until about a year ago. I feel like a gigantic weight was lifted off of me.
I also had to become a caretaker of my mom at the age of 5 after my mom got into a bad accident . My mom passed a couple days before I turned 24. I almost feel a mother’s grief.
a sense of lost childhood self reliance telling people what to do and they don't listen to you, becoming frustrated when they don't listen to you. fall into the role of the caretaker over identification with parents (enmeshment) resentment
I have read so much about emotional incest and always felt that my case was so severe, even the experts would be shocked. It’s very lonely. So all of the discussion here surrounding not having an identity because of parentification has made me feel so much less alone. Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories.
I'm wondering if you were also isolated. My mother isolated us, including my stepfather from his own family. It's an evil thing to do. Took me years to realize that.
@@sarahliipere Absolutely. What they do is diabolical. I was never a child or a person to my mother, I was a thing. A thing she wanted to control. And she did. Yet she claimed to love me so much.
Woah. This is so on point for me it's scary. My dad began to rely on me emotionally when I was 13. I remember the first time he broke down in front of me and told me about all of his problems as the day my childhood ended. Additionally, my mother went through a severe mental breakdown and was unable to mother my younger sisters so naturally, I took on the role. I feel like I have experienced a significant set back in life as I was not able to develop my own identity and forge my own path. I am a 28-year-old woman trying to learn the skills I should have learned as a teenager.
It makes total Sense to me and I now understand I Never had a normal childhood. I often felt overwhelmed whe I had to „ Chose“ a present for my Mother.
There were times where I thought you were describing things specifically about me lol. Especially about a parent confiding in a child b/c of a bad marriage or having one person's outbursts be the whole focus of the house.
I learned this term just a few days ago. I was already aware of the dynamic in my own childhood but not of the name. It's all I've been able to think about. I can relate to what you said about emotional parentification entirely. My mother has always been somewhat emotionally unstable, suffering from depression, and taking medication. She was a loving mother but quickly became distraught or withdrawn, arguing with my dad and me over small things and raising her voice and crying a lot. My dad and I would talk in private about how distressing this behaviour was and those conversations eventually became an emotional outlet for my dad to talk about how sad it made him and other issues he had with my mother. These were things I'd never heard before and it would upset me a great deal but I would hide my sadness to help my dad. I can even remember from a young age breaking up their arguments and reminding them of things they love about the each other. Nowadays my mom treats me like a friend more than a daughter. I can see that she wants to be motherly but she struggles to be selfless. Writing this has helped. I now take antidepressants, experience anxiety and resentment and conciously fear being taken advantage of, being exploited, being asked to do more than I offer etc.
Not getting their emotional needs met from their partner and putting it on the child makes perfect sense, as does the physical parenting - looking after the house and the primary caregiver. Thank you x ,,
I'm just starting to explore this as an adult. I got to be the baby of the family while being sort of resented by my older siblings until I was 10. When my younger siblings were born, I was the mother of them. I had no choice. Mom didn't want them in her room with her. So, they stayed in my room and if they climbed out of their crib and hit the floor, it was my fault. From then on, if we went to any gathering, I was made to follow them around and watch them whenever Mom didn't feel like it. If anything happened to them, I was blamed. I had to change their cloth diapers . I understand it's how Mom was raised but I also know that she resented being treated that way yet never made the connection that I deserved better.
I was Never asked what I wanted or needed. Yes, I have experienced all the maladies of being used and unappreciated, and Never being loved for Me. This has impacted me all my adult life. Relationships, Work, it amounts to carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. A very very sad predicament to find yourself in. Chuck
Sounded very familiar, though to some extent the self-reliance thing is kind of inverted, I am extremely self-reliant emotionally and cognitively but became so avoidant I checked out of the world / have been long term unemployed. Clawing out of it now though. Anyway thank you
Only realizing this in my 40s. I parentified both my parents emotionally and did all the household chores because they never got done. I also parented my younger brother
My BPD momma, and 3 BPD sisters...Effected EVERY decision I've made in my life! At 55, I'm afraid the damage cant be undone. I get now. Thank God for that. I PRAY FOR OTHERS WHO WALKED IN THESE SHOES.
I’m working on the same thing about the same age. It’s been a lot of work but I am feeling so much better unfortunately though the healthier I get the more toxic the relationship with my siblings has become now that our Narc and mentally ill parents have passed. Best wishes to you on your healing journey!
I think I was emotionally parentified. I took on some of those instrumental roles to support my parent even though I wasnt specifically asked because i was so focused on removing burden from my parents life. I definitely over identified. My parent had bad back pain. I would physically brace myself in anticipation of their pain any time we were on a bumpy car ride or something. Learning about parentification has really opened my eyes to what happened to me
I finally moved out and watched my family fall apart because I'm not there to do everyone's "chores" and be the constant emotional caretaker. Its scary but helpful to know its not all in my head.
Omg thank you for this! It's much more clear now what my source of anxiety is! My mom was basically an empath being 'tortured' by my narcissistic dad so I had always felt obligated to protect and soothe her. Also she desperately tried to keep up "I'm fine" facade to her friends and extended family so yeah, she turned to me whenever she needed emotional support. Thank you so much for this, because they both had passed away last year and I wanna be free from this strange long-term anxiety. I want to keep their good memories but it was hard with my mental state. With this hopefully I can heal further and remembering the good times better. Thanks ma'am!
I was definitely a parentified child but I don't obviously display some of the symptoms. I'm curious as to why some of the symptoms show up while others don't.
I'm currently 21 and during my first therapy appointment about a year ago, I told my therapist how when my parents divorced my dad left. As a result, throughout middle school and half of high school I had to help my mom take care of my younger brother while she worked nights as a server. Even at that young age it was obvious to me how she couldn't afford a babysitter for majority of the week. I was willing and felt the obligation to take on this role not only to help, but I also didn't trust the other adults I was around at the time. Now when I look back on that period of my life, I feel kind of resentful towards my role of being an older sister because of it. Even if I bring up that I was parentified, it gets dumbed down to "Well there was her friend that lived below us I was never completely alone" but that pissed me off because I still did all the work! No one there checked too often unless if my then toddler brother was throwing a huge tantrum and could hear it from downstairs. My therapist asked me if I've heard of the term parentification. So I've looked more into it and I found this video very informative and can relate to some of these signs personally! It hit home a little bit lol
I've been an adult since coming out of the womb. You wonder where your coming from and why no one else intervened on your behalf. This is why so many of us who were Parentified have difficulties with authority or a belief in God. Chuck
God is not an abusive father like our Earthly parents can be. God blesses us with parents who are supposed to be our first examples of the love of God and God‘s hierarchy, But many parents fail miserably to show us the love of God and it results just like you have said… With adult children who mistrust authority and God himself. Heartbreaking really. Please don’t stop seeking a relationship with God because the devil had a foothold on your parents. Don’t let evil rob your parents AND you of your inheritance. If you ever feel compelled, please see a Catholic priest. You are loved beyond measure by the Lord. That might feel impossible because your parents didn’t even show that kind of love, but I assure you it’s true true. We cannot know the love of God until we know what God is like, So please get to know Him. Take care, hon.
@@hiddenhand6973 Thanks for your thoughtfulness in acknowledging my unfortunate childhood. However, your suggestion regarding a Catholic priest is the very last thing I'd ever do. Had grown up Catholic, and my experiences with priests we shaming, fault finding, and anything but supportive. I'm learning to trust God, but have no intention of ever seeking solace with a pompous, arrogant, self righteous, indignant holier than thou person. They are worse than any and all the traumatized experiences I've ever encountered. God bless you and thanks again for your response.
I find also the kind that is rarely talked about that I do not believe psychologists speak to, but it's largely parenting oneself as a child emotionally; having to protect themselves and develop coping methods to live with the well intentioned but poor active involvement by the parent; make the decisions that are best for themselves when the parent has instructed to their detriment and they know better. Thank you for sharing! I have experienced both of what you explained.
5:04 my mom does this to me ever since I was 11 or 12 and I never knew this was called emotional parentification, and now I'm a broken adult (24) who doesn't feel ready and capable of life. Ever since I found out why I am the way I am right now was because of how my parents treated me as a kid, I found myself continuously blaming them every time I feel broken and vulnerable towards the world and how things are in my life, I can't help it. I really really don't want to repeat my parents parenting mistakes on my future children if I ever have kids. 😭
Hey I am 24 as well. I have been through what this video is on about. You probably aren't broken. But work with what you have got and how you can improve on yourself. If you don't live with your parents that means you can have freedom to find the things you like and to understand your emotions better and how to look after yourself. As you are not sure if you want or don't want kids. Well take that with caution. But read books and watch programmes about parenting in case you did have kids and this would mean you was mean you are prepared to parent. Also your future husband might understand you best and always be there helping you out on raising a family. But right now do the stuff that interested you. If you can work and travel well that's a comfort zone for new things you like start. All the best.
Hi Katherine: I totally understand feeling this way, yet I want to encourage you to realize you are not broken, and many things can help - therapy, meditation, etc. I work with people in their 50s who are only just having this realization, and they can still turn things around so they can live happier lives. It does take a lot of work, but it is possible. Wishing you health and healing.
I really like the nuance you create between positive and negative coping skills. They can be very effective, but overall unhealthy. Unfortunately, I really relate to that.
Yes, this makes sense. And I agree, it’s often not said what has to be done. I felt my moms burden. I felt burdened and sad my entire childhood, to the extent that I don’t remember anything else, nothing concrete, than this feeling of being SO unhappy and lonely. Yes, I don’t feel as if I had a childhood. And I never even considered to have own children. My main concern has always been to become and stay independent in every sense you can think of. I am a successful adult who feels completely free and independent, but unhappy and lonely most of the time. I prefer to do everything by myself. Because I don’t trust anyone, and because everyone is solely interested in his own stuff. Thus, you can never rely they would truly act in your interest. And I am deeply convinced that my analysis of how humans „work“ is on point. Interestingly, after a disastrous relationship I decided that I never want to experience such intense love again. Because I can’t handle it. After 5 years being single I then chose a guy I was not in love with, but felt good. It felt safe. I have been in a relationship with him for 12 years now. It’s kind of boring, but it provides the stability I need so desperately. And when I look around, it seems my relationship is essentially better than most others.
Hi Christion: You are very welcome. Identifying a problem can be the first step in solving it. Also, wonderful to recognize it at your young age! Wishing you health and healing.
I’m literally right here with you as a fellow 18 year old, I always wondered if my feelings were crazy but this video definitely made me realize my emotions a very real
I experienced both types of parentification from an early age. I have a lot of friends my parents' age, or older, because I've always had a hard time relating to others my own age. This video was very informative and helpful.
NIV, Joel 2:25 🦋 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten - the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm - my great army that I sent among you.
My mother has lupus along with a few other autoimmune diseases. I started being the functional and emotional caretaker around 5 years old. I’d get myself up and dressed, feed myself, then wake her up to take me to school. Things like that. The list of things I did grew longer the older I got. I ended up taking care of my grandmother when she had cancer, I was around 10-14. I helped with a lot of medical things... I’m just now realizing how damaging that was, and that there is a word for it. I have severe anxiety, am always stressed, and have serious issues with depression. I’m currently seeking treatment, and this has always been a roadblock in therapy. I refuse to discuss it because I still feel like that scared kid afraid of being taken away if I talked about it with anyone. Seeing videos like this have helped me understand these things far better then half the therapists I’ve seen. They typically start to insinuate that my mother was a bad mother, I get defensive and clam up, and it’s like they’ve betrayed me or something. It’s frustrating and weird and I am hoping to get help now that I have a word I can use to better describe it.
The main disturbance for me, from a teen on, was my inability to distinguish between safe or unsafe people. My parents had excused their under functioning addictive behaviors. They had relied on me so much in all areas you mentioned. I honestly believed it was normal. I agree that I had a distorted version of myself as more capable & more intelligent. So sad to think of the years I lost repeatedly rescuing and caretaking others at my own expense. I have been unimaginably resentful and took it out on myself. I experienced terrible panic attacks because I refused to leave an abusive marriage. I always thought there was something wrong with me. I am “Thankful” for all the TH-cam videos on this subject that have helped me see the truth about my self.
My parents are Hispanic and in their 60s so growing up I never saw them show affection and they were only together for us (me & siblings) and separated after I (the youngest) moved out. So i had to mediate their relationship and listen to them say how they hated each other and i had to deal with that from my teens to now, even tho they are separated now
At my first therapy session she let me know I was parentified. I was actually relieved but also annoyed that she said that but it explains so much. Oh my. So much.
When I was in high school it was me, my parents, my older brother and his son and my little sister. My parents and brother worked so it was up to me to wake my sis up for middle school and wake nephew for grade school. Make sure they brushed, had clean clothes, did their homework, walk them to class, made dinner, cleaned, did laundry, and broke up fights between the two. I was really resentful because I wasn't allowed to do any after school clubs or activities, I couldn't hang out with my friends or ex, I never really had any privacy or time to myself. The thing that got me the most was I was never allowed to discipline either of them. My mom would rush in, undermine me or even punish me if I tried to put either of them on time out. She would even do it to my dad and brother. To say that my nephew was a spoiled demon child is an understatement Even as a 26 year old woman I still feel the affects of parentification; my nephew is 13 now and I never really talk to him or if I do its awkward and standoffish on my part. I'm just really resentful. I know it's not his fault or my sis. But it's really hard getting over all that responsibility and no respect or gratitude was shown towards me at that time. And my mom wonders why I don't really talk to her.
I had my mother 'off load' her worries and anxieties onto me via talking to me for upto two hours at a time. I was 16/17 at the time. During these 'sessions' I could feel myself absorbing the depression she experienced. Looking back, I suppose I felt that at that age, I was old enough to take it. But I seem to have 'inherited' my mother's depression & anxiety. This in turn effects confidence etc. Am fourty nine now. Someone told me that a male child inherits mother's genes.
6:00 it seens logical to me that if a parent don't have the maturity to take care of their household in the fisical sense, they will likely not be able to do it on the emocional sense. So, yes, it makes sense (sorry for the bad english, btw. It is not my first language)
I relate so much. My mom dumped a lot of emotional stuff on me before I was ready. Another facet, I was expected to work in my family shop, or alternately I was home alone for long periods of time where I would fend for myself. As a teen my dad got sick and I remember taking him to doctor’s appointments. In adulthood I fell into “all the responsibility but none of the power” dynamic with my family.
Can that happen to a 15 year old? I’m not like an elementary schooler so idk if it’s the same, but me and my 16 year old brother are nearly constantly in charge of our little siblings. We bathe them, make their food, and always have them with us. On top of that we clean the house and the second we get a bit of free time, our mom calls us to do something else. This was going on for a long time, but now that we’re stuck at home I can really feel it weighing on my mental health.
Yes. These are not tasks a teenager should be doing regularly. This is what a parent should do. Teens should be doing homework and having fun with friends. I am 41 and am dealing with the effects of this stuff still. Tell a counselor what is happening. Or ask your mom for therapy for you. Family therapy is part of that and hopefully you can stop this before the damage is done. Good luck sister.
I wholeheartedly agree with Sarah about reaching out for help. I wish my family had this kind of knowledge back when it could have made a difference to our future (I'm also 41 & the youngest of 5). I know this is a year old comment so I hope you were able to find help & that things are better for you 💖
Wow! This speaks volumes to me. I was this child and unfortunately, I did that to my children as well. I’ve worked very hard to change these patterns and I have made amends to my children and do things different. Thank you for this and yes I did become an alcohol but I’ve been sober 45 years and I have a great relationship with my children now. I’m so happy I found this❤
From 8 until 25 years old my whole life revolves around partnering with my mom to babysit my siblings, cooking, cleaning, paying bill, doing laundry, giving meds etc. my Mom would say that if I didn’t help she would have to quit her job and we would lose our home and have no food. I had to emotionally support her bc she said that my dad was not there and that she loved him but he’s addicted to drugs and he can’t help us so she needs me to help her. She would say that I’m a blessing and God would bless me one day. At 25 when I told my mom no to babysitting my Down syndrome sister and her friends kid for free I got cursed out snd almost kicked out the house. Now I’m 32 married and working I have personality issues , a career, no kids , but a dog. Whenever I do have kids I will never treat them like this. I was parentificated and spousificated.
I was parentified as a child. I was always told how great I was at everything and it just so happened to be cleaning my mothers home and cars and mowing the lawn and doing stuff my father should be doing. I was also told how mature I was for my age and how I was better then my father (they were divorced). Before the divorce they would fight and argue and my mother would get in her car and take off and sometimes my father the same but I would have to be the mediator of their arguments and fights and try to calm them down while at the same time taking care of my little brother to prevent him from seeing it all. My mom would come to me and bad talk my father and say how bad he and his family was and my dad would come to me out of frustration. My mom would get into fights with him and tell me I had to stand up for her so I would not knowing anything and my dad soon resented me. My brother was diagnosed with cancer later on when he was 20 and I took on the role of taking care of things he needed and for my parents. I was brainwashed and robbed of my childhood and have cut my mother out and my brother resents me. Thankfully I have figured this all out and am working with a therapist. Thru it all I was able to get away from them and their clutches, marry a woman I love that’s the polar opposite of my family and pull myself out and become successful and live a somewhat normal life. Despite everything I went thru as a child. If I can do it, I hope everyone suffering from similar instances can as well!
I am having a difficult time differentiating between loving and caring for my family and parentification. A part of me feels as though what I do is what is expected, it's what a loving older sister does. But then again, I question my though process. I am having a hard time believing there's something wrong with me. I do feel like a fraud, a self hatred.
I have been there and still struggle to a certain degree. I heard from Jerry Wise that the more I’m focused on an unhealthily toxic member the more I need to engage in self care. Taking care of and focusing on my self has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done but has also brought me so much healing. I wish you all the best. As an oldest child, I too understand these feelings!
Hi Barbara, its my son who pointed me to your video about Parentification. I think I have emotionally parentified him because me and my husband have been estranged and so he became my go to and I think the mother son relationship is quite enmeshed. What should I do, pls advise, genuinely looking for support to help my son. I am heartbroken to know this is how he feels and I want to help him heal but I dont know how to or what to do. Pls help 😔🙏
Make total sense the link about emotion plus work explotation. I was called my mother name number 2 by my brothers as a devaluation remark. They are flying monkes of her always putting me down. Now I leave alone and despite the fact that I have to find out who I am, I never be so happy and free. The first day after my mother pass away, the first thouht that came to my mind was that will be the first day of my 62 years of life that there was no critic about my food. ( It is a very good food chinese and french, but she always find a problem, even me being rhe only one taking care of her. It was people like you with videos like yours that have help me. Keep your great work! You are helping people as far as me here in Brazil. Best wishes!
I'm curious about the "old soul" phenomenon. People have always called me that and majority of my friends are 20+ years my senior. Reflecting on the cynicism I have for others my age (resentment) I found that I've internalized my parent's world view/values. Sure, the kitschy/novelty aspect of what was popular in generations preceding mine are very interesting, but to the extent of having nostalgia for eras I wasnt even born into is very odd. My parents to this day will reminisce with me about things as if I had experienced it with them when they were growing up and I habitually agree with them cause I know they need the validation they never got when, ideally, they should be sharing these memories with their peers. It's strange how I can respond/please my elders but I dont know how to with children. I stand there just as shy and nervous as them, among them. Healing is certainly a process, but the awareness was the real relief. Great, videos, channel etc. Thank you👍
I just want to thank you. As I've found myself struggling since as far back as I can remember. I am finding out at 22 that it is not by my own doing and i'm not crazy but that my parent(s) fell short on raising me. Sad part is my mother is a giant narcissist and refuse to admit whether they've done wrong. Thank you for doing what you do. Everything you explain in this video has been my entire life. You've opened my eyes to a situation i wasn't able to recognize before and now I can move forward in life. A little harder work but that's nothing we aren't used to.
I'm so pleased this was helpful (and so sorry you have experienced/are experiencing this). Yes, moving forward without expecting acknowledgement from parents is often needed. If you haven't seen it, this video may be helpful:th-cam.com/video/qwUNpi4rMyM/w-d-xo.html
Yes - I went away to boarding school at 16. Mom called me and wanted boyfriend advice and I remember saying that I was only 17 and trying to figure out my own relationships.
I had a physical encounter with a girl near my age, when I was 11. that was the end of me. I feared the police, and jail, and I was smarter than my parents by age 13. And listening to both my parents issues with eachother at 16, 17. My dad said my mom didn't give him enough sex.. that "he had needs". Maybe around 19.. 21.. my dad said he was going to go drown himself in a lake, and cried on my shoulder. My mom leans on me emotionally, constantly.
This was very well explained and helped me understand trauma a lot more clearly. One of the impacts of parentification really hit home and was something I was trying to figure out for a while; the tendency for the child to fuse so completely with their parent that they lose the ability to differentiate themselves enough to understand the unhealthy dynamic. I would describe it personally like a brain fog, feeling that something is wrong but not having enough self awareness or internal clarity to distinguish the memories, emotions, and issues of the past. Thank you for your video.
I would say I was partially parentified starting when I was 10 when my youngest brother was born. My parents were busy at work, and my older brother and sisters were in boarding schools. I became the oldest child to stay at home and I literally took care of my brother including feeding him, bathing him, changing his diapers, putting him for naptime and taking care of him when my parents weren't at home. I also did the laundry and I cleaned up after my other younger siblings. I remember feeling so frustrated because I was unable to go out to play because I was left at home to take care of him. I still love my parents and my siblings, but after that I was so resentful and it always felt like they never love me more or paid more attention to me anyway, even though I have done so much more than my other siblings. When I finally went to a boarding school at 13, I was relieved because I don't have to take care of my baby brother anymore. Nowadays, my mother would say I'm the best at cleaning and doing laundry but in my heart the resentment never actually goes away.
Yes I agree that they go together! I was 11 years old when my mother would treat me like a friend and confided pretty much everything including her sex life. I also babysat 6 days a week and would have to start dinner every day. Spousafication also.
My mother struggled severely with mental illness and addiction in my teenage years shortly after giving birth to my youngest sibling, while she self medicated in her room for days I cared for my siblings and infant brother almost full time while going to high school and I feel like it really stunted me developmentally, emotionally and even academically because I was so focused on keeping my family alive, my brain didn’t retain much info or skill academically and ultimately left me feeling unable to take care of myself without putting others needs first
Thank you, Barbara. I get you all the way. You know, I watched The Little House On The Prairie as a young child. Now, as a woman at over fifty, I love watching that series. (I feel so happy watching the series.) I love Charles Ingalls, and even more I love Michael Landon. What an amazing human being he was and man, what a legacy he left to so many people in the world. I am healing myself, as I am watching that series. Now, I know about my childhood, and it´s impact on my life. I loved the series when I was a kid, and it is really amazing that in a way I appreciate it now in the very same way as I appreciated the series as a kid (the ethics, compassion, integrity, love etc.) I am not watching the series now, nor did watch it when a kid, thinking that "oh how sad, my mum was never like that", or "this is such a happy family... how I suffer from my own dysfunctional family". I think that is curious that I do not make judgements now, and I did not make judgements when I was a kid.
Wow. This gives me insight into why I never wanted to have children. I didn't want to have to take care of somebody else's feelings. I wanted to finally be able to just focus on myself and take care of myself and that's what I've done for the last 30 plus years. I've enjoyed it quite a lot.
This hit home for me! I was taught we needed to support each other as a family unit . I'am the oldest of 5 so I was "in charge" of yelling and telling even though I wa blamed for allowing them to never thought it was an explanation for
I am now in my fifties and unfortunately there has not been an end to the unhealthy dynamics in our family. My younger siblings can barely contain their contempt for me and honestly I feel like they are keeping the abuse cycle going.
I was the emotional caretaker for both parents. Incurred being a emotionally incested by my mother who had no loving connection with my father. I took on adult tasks at a very early age. I was referee between my parents physical confrontations. You are correct about never having had a childhood. Chuck
My spouse and I were both raised in large families where we were both had this. We have recognized this and we are working to heal from the issues this caused. My spouse carried the emotional load and had to be the mother in the home due to her own mother being too busy to do it. The worst one I remember for myself was having my mother discussing becoming separated from my dad and bringing my and some of my siblings. She was talking about having me help with the bills by working to help support them.
I was burnt out from raising my siblings constantly by the time I was 12 and I was the couples mediator for my parents which didn't help. Well, I was also in a spouse role with my mom. It definitely turned me off of having kids because I feel way too strung out and I'm petrified of messing up a kid because all of my siblings are messed up and I know that I contributed to some of their trauma. It definitely feels like I failed three kids so I never wanted to try again.
Thank you for making the distinction about giving children chores. I think it's incredibly important for their development and for them to be functional adults themselves one day instead of completely helpless. Many who are parentified themselves do the opposite as a backlash with their own children, I think.
Interesting comment. Yes, my kids learned to do their own laundry and make lunch fairly young, and by the time they graduated high school they were all very good cooks :)
@@BarbaraHeffernan that's good. I thought it was important that we think of it as training for our children. Starting at two we'd teach them to put the silverware away or hand plates to their older siblings. Being parentified AND an ENTJ I love work and hate laziness. I've seen what happens when you don't have rules and structure. We try to balance the two so they have play time and work time but I never wanted our children to feel like they were unsure of where their next meal would come from or if the electricity would work when they flipped the switch. You may think this is funny, but my husband was spousified as an adolescent. We both take care of each other, thankfully, because we definitely don't want to do it for ourselves! :P I just discovered your videos yesterday and I've appreciated the mostly down to earth approach and acknowledgement of little things I don't see in other discussions about this subject.
um, wow, you just summarized my life and my feelings, didn't know there was a name for this. When my father died I was 6, I became an adult that day and took on the emotional caregiver for my mother, family. I was emotionally neglected and often ignored, she did the best she could. I'm a perfectionist, overachiever, high achiever, caregiver to everyone, rescuer, and still in this very toxic pattern with my mother. Bottom line, I'm sad, unhappy (even though I have a very blessed life), chronically anxious but cover it up like a pro. I don't have enough energy to even unpack it all with therapy. One day at a time. I'm just tired of faking being happy, I just want to be alone and with my dogs, it's so frustrating. Thank you for sharing this, it's validating.
I just realized my own mother was parentified and she never healed from it. She then became emotionally dependent on my sister and her daughter who lived with her for 18 years. Now my mother is dying and she doesn’t know how to let anyone take care her. This helps me have more compassion for her stubbornness as I see that she is stuck in her childhood patterns . Her mother died when she was only 7 and she helped take care of five brothers. Then she married a dependent man and had a big family. She was also a high achiever at her job and a perfectionist. Our family was also enmeshed.
This is a great video!!❤ I am on the journey of healing being parentified. I've done therapy on and off for years, but realized last year sometime this is a deep area I still struggle with. Praying for those who have struggled with healing in this area! We are still here on this earth for a reason and God can turn your trauma around for the good🦋
Ms.Heffernan , thank you! I have seen this information about Parentification in many places . You put in context for me. You put it in a way that made sense to me ! It ‘s a problem that Hispanic and Asian cultures have , among others. It’s in the proper order , in the proper wording . It’s the proper vibration! I don’t want to give you excessive praise because I know that is not helpful but I wish you health and happiness for decades to come! And if I ever see you I’d like to give you a very big kiss ! If that’s possible of course! I have been looking for this information for around 30 years. I’ve had many therapists all them have been Good for Nothing! Touched very little , if at all the subject of Parentification. But I knew that my situation was directly related to my caregivers. I think that what made the discovery possible was the Buddhist connection !! I studied a lot Buddhism that’s how I know you are Universally proper and have the objective truth. Strange Angel ! But a great one!
I am the identified patient and the parentified child. I was emotionally neglected and should have become an addict. I am extremely self-reliant and I am fighting becoming bitter
How wonderful you are so resiliant! So sorry you had all that to go through - it is great that you are trying not to get bitter. I think sometimes realizing that our parents were damaged by theirs, and back and back in history, helps us not get caught in the bitterness. WIshing you all the best on your healing journey.
Thank you for this video, until now I had never heard the term “parentification” but realise this was exactly what happened to me. The only sign that didn’t resonate with me was No 5 (over identification). As a parent myself of grown up children I totally went the other way and was a bit over protective and didn’t give my children chores or responsibilities until they were in their teens, and they were financially rewarded for their actions. I am happy to say they are in the main happy and well adjusted young adults, and I’m incredibly proud of both of them. I think my own child hood ended around the time my youngest sister was born, when I was 8. From then on I was very responsible for her care, and this increased significantly when my Mum returned to work when my sister was 5. My responsibilities grew to include caring for my sister after school, housework and cooking, interestingly my brother who was 2 years younger than me wasn’t expected to help in any way as he wasn’t “responsible enough”. This led to a lot of resentment on my part. On the plus side, I do think it has made me very independent and I have achieved quite a lot (career wise) but the constant underlying anxiety has caused me a lot of distress, and I think it’s a bit sad that as a teenager I couldn’t really be carefree as I always had responsibilities at home. I had to leave school at 16 and get a job to contribute to the family finances, but left home at 19 as I couldn’t tolerate the dysfunction in the family any longer. Sadly that meant leaving my sister who was only 11 to deal with our parent’s chaotic lifestyle on her own. I still feel guilty about that.
Wow, this touches my heart. I hope one day you are able to see that that isn't your guilt to carry. Sometimes the movie technique can be very helpful: th-cam.com/video/ElvdfmdSvpM/w-d-xo.html I also go into this technique in the free PDF I offer (link under notes to video). Wishing you healing and happiness,
Thank you for this. I came to this video because of a conversation I recently had with my sister about our parents over sharing with us. Boundaries really were non existent and our mom shared everything with us, including a lot of negativity about other family members and problems with her marriage. It seems this fits in with the emotional parentification. Another issue I had was that my parents really involved me in their conflicts with family members, colleagues, and church leaders. I even confronted some of these people on behalf of my parents; I felt responsible to work these things out for them. I know they didn’t actually expect me to take this on, but I did. Up until my mid thirties I really worshiped my parents and felt a strong sense of loyalty to them. I have been working through creating some healthy boundaries and realizing that I can be separate from them as an adult while still maintaining a healthy adult relationship with them.
I was the scapegoat in our family. I remember being 3-4 years old. My drunk dad came home, raged+ beat my mother often. Afterwards I was her comfort. I would try to kiss her tears away+ say don't cry mommy. It was horrid. I did not have much of a childhood.
I came home from school in the 5th grade - my mom was partying with work colleagues in our apartment- I remember she said later she was smoking pot and couldn't let me in. I went to a teenage neighbor's house and she comforted me and gave me a snack. This is just one example.
I’m finding I’m having to do this - (parentification) - with my elderly father, who I also highly suspect is a high-functioning Autistic individual. My brother, who is one year younger than me, is also a high-functioning Autistic adult. Both of them have obvious mental/cognitive disabilities - (with both of them seemingly unable to figure out more complex life issues) - but I’ve done my very best to help them, in both figuring out various problems that arise in their lives, as well as trying to help them try & think deeper/more widely for themselves. It’s very frustrating, however, when the parent doesn’t heed the advice - & then ends up falling short of a real solution that could have ended the problem, right then & there, & made their lives a lot less hectic. 🤷♀️ Honestly? Parentification is no fun, for many - but the situation becomes even more complex & more difficult, when the parent actually has a disability/challenge that adds (maybe even creates?) the issue with parentification.
Thank you, this has given me some insight. As someone who took care of my single parent mother from age 10-15 years when she was terminally ill, managing schoolwork, cleaning house, travelling overseas with her to family, and then self-parenting and emotionally supporting an older half-sister after our mother died, I am overly independent and do not trust; have grown up fear-based; driven by anxiety; struggled with depression, restlessness and a sense that I can never slow down; a workaholic; a people pleaser who has had to really look at what is important to me and who has, despite the best of intentions, created neglectful emotionally non committal relationship dynamics or attracted others who are emotionally wounded and use addictions to self medicate, or where the dynamic becomes one where I become the parent… I’ve lost confidence in being able to make good choices with relationships, and I’m now at the point where I go emotionally numb. I feel like I can’t open up emotionally anymore and risk in relationships. I want a child but I can’t seem to move forward with relationships to provide that stability and care, and then am terrified that if I have a child alone, that I’ll perpetuate my mother’s story of dying and leaving a young person alone to raise themselves. Thanks again. I’ll keep an eye out for further videos.
I was a caretaker for my family starting at 5 years old and till I left my family home at age 18. I also had to care for my mentally ill, depressed, violent mother and I was her counselor and confidant. It has been a source of difficulty in romantic relationships and at work. I have been in therapy for many years and have gotten better but still have more healing to do. Thank you so much for this video and subject matter.
Perfect sense. It can sometimes depend on the relationship and maybe even the child's age if a child fills an emotional role and instrumental role. For me, not so much until I was eleven. We moved and mom had a new job. She couldn't handle housework anymore.
My dad was the one who everyone had to "tip toe" around and I felt I had to pacify him and cover for my mom so he wouldn't get angry or lash out at her or us. My mom also treated me like a surrogate spouse, expecting me to support her emotionally when my dad was hostile. Both my parents reinforced this idea that I was supposed to take on this "adult role" without specifically saying it. I just acted this way to avoid unpleasant consequences. I took on the role of "mom" to pacify my dad and took on the role of "dad" to pacify my mom. People outside our home would always make comments about how "mature" I was and how I needed to "lighten up" and "have fun." I used to think there was something wrong with ME that I couldn't just "be a kid" and have fun. Now I understand why.
Same with my Narc Dad! I think he knew what he did to me was abusive and he wanted to make me the scapegoat to the whole family. I sought therapy for my challenges, my family sought projection and addiction to deal with their pain.
Joined the military at 17 just to get the hell outa my MOTHER'S plan for the rest of my life. Haven't really talked to her since I turned old enough to take her off my bank account.
I went through both from my mother.... Making me her half husband, taking care of my half-siblings (5) of them... Care for them emotionally, caring for their schools and pay for them as well...
I think another long term issue that parentified children face is the latent fear of having a child. Because our emotions are stretched taut (and we resent our families for exploiting that side of us), we develop an unecessary fear of creating another person who would most likely do that.
You captured this feeling perfectly. Thank you
Damn ur right
Damn you nailed it. I am 19 and just simply cannot imagine myself having a kid in the future.
perfect way to explain it
My fear was more about doing it to a child....
Narcissists will expect their children to emotionally support and look after their emotional well-being - when it should be the other way around!!
1. feeling you never got a childhood
2. you're overly self reliant as an adult
3. always giving advice
4. always in the role of caretaker in most of your relationships
5. very close identification with your parent(s)
6. resentment
7. anxiety
i identify with all of these except for number 5. i wanted to be nothing like my parents
Same
Luckily I don’t identify with my parents. I’m fighting to be as different from them as possible.
I identify with all of them except #4
Getting in a relationship makes me such a hot mess that I cannot take care of my partner. I'm also caught in a push/pull cycle where I desperately want to be taken care of but by the same token don't trust anyone to do it.
Same. I made sure I did everything the opposite of them, as I know I never had a childhood, never was validated, and became parentified at 3. Maybe younger.
Ditto
My parents were incredibly overwhelmed ... they bombarded me with their problems since elementary school. My mom complained about my dad and vice versa, I was told we might lose our house and that my mom didn't know how to get food on the table.
I became depressed and started self harming and was suicidal, it only got better after I moved out. Just a couple weeks ago my siblings told me that they even told my parents that I needed help really badly but my parents just shrugged it off.
And that was the first time that I realized that my parents did something extremely harmful to me.
I never thought they were great parents but I also never thought they did something very wrong.
But realizing I did everything I could to always be emotionally there for them and mediate between them and try to make them feel better because I didn't want them to be alone in these situations ... and they couldn't even be bothered to talk to me or make an appointment with a psychologist even after being told I needed help ... that really crushed me. They really didn't care at all while all I do is care.
After getting more into the subject I also realized that my younger sister was parentified as well. She always cleaned the house from a young age because my parents just wouldn't do it regularly. One time she came back from a week long class trip and my parents actually said "We are so glad you are back, so someone finally cleans up the kitchen again"
I'm in therapy now because I'm still depressed and have self harming tendencies at the age of 26. I also don't have any long lasting deep friendships and never even had a relationship before because it's so scary to me to have a closer connection to another human being.
But at least now I know the root of the problem
I'm sorry you went through that. Hugs.
I feel exactly the same way. But I’m 17 and have also recently realized i’ve been parentified since my parents divorce since i was 6. i always knew my childhood was messed up but i always justified my parents behavior because their parents did the same thing but that was wrong. apparently my whole family (mom and siblings) were told by my family counselor that he was parentifying us back in 2012 and he found out and freaked out. but i wasn’t aware of this like the rest of my siblings and was always confused about why they totally stopped seeing him, except me. i learned about this because i was so so confused why my dad wouldn’t even validate my feelings and have compassion and like actual emotion that he’s hurting me.
You are still very young, it will get better. Stay aware and trust yourself. Hugs.
I’m sorry you went through that also. I had a similar experience growing up I’m now 28 with a degree in psychology and even with a lot of awareness and forgiveness I still struggle. I really don’t know what else do but get therapy at this point because here I am watching these videos.
You are blessed and loved. Thank you for sharing I can definitely relate.🥰😍🤩❤🙌🏾👏🏿❤😊🙏🏽
I didn’t know this had a label. I’m always trying to “fix” and save people. It brings me a lot of suffering and feelings of inadequacy because you can’t save people, but that’s what’s been ingrained in me.
I feel afraid that if I leave, my little sister won’t be cared for because no one took care of me.
How old are you and your little sister? I am unable to move as I am a full-time college student without a job. Even if I could afford to move out, the idea of leaving my siblings behind makes me sick. I wouldn’t be there to protect my siblings from being yelled out and rejected for ridiculous things. I usually bring my little sister into my room during my mother’s breakdown to distract her. I wouldn’t be able to micro-manage everything like housework, caring for my siblings, running errands, and being the person my mom rants and vents too. It’s a challenging situation, and I’m sorry you have experienced that.
I can't have normal friendships. I say "I'm Not a fair weather friend, if you're fine, leave me alone. If something is wrong, then call me."
@@VengefulPolititronbetter yet try three other people before coming to me😂
In therapy, I found out I was parentified. I was and am the good responsible child of my family. It is so difficult to unlearn this, even writing this comment makes me feel like I am taking up space.
I went on to become the caretaker of not only my sibling but also my grandmother whom I lost. My grief became my guilt.
Thank you for these videos Barbara. Your clarity and understanding helps a lot❤️
Hi Hetvi: I'm so glad the video was helpful, and I'm sorry to hear how you've struggled with this. So glad you wrote the comment! :)
"even writing this comment makes me feel like I am taking up space"
I get this totally. Parentification is basically parental neglect with the added work of being responsible for people who failed you. A viscous cycle of neglect and shame. It's severe abuse.
@@billyb4790 It's on now I realized how badly being made to take on responsibilities affected me. True it is severe abuse. What is worse is your contributions are not acknowledged. It is just taken for granted
What a profound truth ‘your grief became guilt.’ I resonate with that. I hope things have become more like you want it.
That's the ultimate truth is that when your parents are codependent, they both lack a true self. Add narcissism to the plot, and the family unit becomes toxic and very chaotic. No amount of therapy in the world, will ever put a dent into the traumatic events the child experienced. Also, all the biblical teachings can heal the woundedness they had to endure. Believe me, I've tried it all. One just has to do the best they can with the time they have left!
My mother refused to learn English and never took responsibility for her own life. Guess who had to deal with everything? She always flew into rages and caused complete chaos in our family life. I have always despised her for it.
I can really relate. My mother did the same. I left home at 16 and it was the best decision I ever made
Damn my whole childhood was like that. I’m 26 now and I only realizing this . I feel bad for my little sisters. I think this is really generational and it sucks they really ruined my entire life .
So sorry to hear this... just want to say that recovery is possible so that your last phrase does not need to be true going forward. Wishing you all the best,
@@BarbaraHeffernan what is it called when an adult child is parenting the parent? And trying to and micromanaging time finances whats for dinner and demanding constant company , putting the parent down . ?treating her mother like she's a personal servant.
My parents literally pulled me out of school so I would be home to take care of my little brother while they were at work. And you’re very right, I am resentful. I got pulled out of 5th grade and didn’t go back to public school until 8th grade. It wasn’t so much a lack of childhood, but socially I was way behind. Going straight into the last grade of middle school with the social mentality of elementary school. I feel like middle school is an important part of figuring out who you are and I just feel like I was cheated out of that.
I was pulled out of middle school too and not even for a good reason. I never went back and have some resentment as I still cant catch up with the world.
I'm so sorry that happened to you! Things like that can have a long term impact. AND healing is also possible.
Leslee Pafford I'm so sorry and hope you are doing well now
I had to repeat 3rd grade due to similar circumstances. As a adult looking back there is no way social services would not have taken me and my siblings away at that age but I remember it so well and I know that mentally I had to be at least 10 years older in my way of thinking to have pulled off the shit I did then.
thank you for this, I can actually remember the moment I "took over" responsibility for my mother. I was 7.
I was 7 as well 😢
@@caseyhill9737 sending you the biggest hugs ever 🤗🤗🤗🤗
@@kassandra7607 You will always feel the impact. It is good that you understand the source. I wasn't able to let go of that responsibility until about a year ago. I feel like a gigantic weight was lifted off of me.
I also had to become a caretaker of my mom at the age of 5 after my mom got into a bad accident . My mom passed a couple days before I turned 24. I almost feel a mother’s grief.
@@angelicajoytrygar8593 ❤️ lots of live for your healing
a sense of lost childhood
self reliance
telling people what to do and they don't listen to you, becoming frustrated when they don't listen to you.
fall into the role of the caretaker
over identification with parents (enmeshment)
resentment
I have read so much about emotional incest and always felt that my case was so severe, even the experts would be shocked. It’s very lonely. So all of the discussion here surrounding not having an identity because of parentification has made me feel so much less alone. Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories.
I'm wondering if you were also isolated. My mother isolated us, including my stepfather from his own family. It's an evil thing to do. Took me years to realize that.
@@knit1purl1 For me, that isolation was part of the reason the emotional incest was so effective and so severe.
@@sarahliipere Absolutely. What they do is diabolical. I was never a child or a person to my mother, I was a thing. A thing she wanted to control. And she did. Yet she claimed to love me so much.
Woah. This is so on point for me it's scary. My dad began to rely on me emotionally when I was 13. I remember the first time he broke down in front of me and told me about all of his problems as the day my childhood ended. Additionally, my mother went through a severe mental breakdown and was unable to mother my younger sisters so naturally, I took on the role. I feel like I have experienced a significant set back in life as I was not able to develop my own identity and forge my own path. I am a 28-year-old woman trying to learn the skills I should have learned as a teenager.
I'm a 27 year old unable to get into relationships and when I do I cannot trust my partner,
Same here. I’m 26
Same here
i'm 24 and am only now starting to forge my own identity. Teenager stuff. experimenting with hair, clothes, etc. Before all i wore was black.
OMG, even the tiniest details you guys described I went through at your age (I'm over 30).
It makes total Sense to me and I now understand I Never had a normal childhood. I often felt overwhelmed whe I had to „ Chose“ a present for my Mother.
There were times where I thought you were describing things specifically about me lol. Especially about a parent confiding in a child b/c of a bad marriage or having one person's outbursts be the whole focus of the house.
sorry to hear that! But glad it resonated...
I learned this term just a few days ago. I was already aware of the dynamic in my own childhood but not of the name. It's all I've been able to think about. I can relate to what you said about emotional parentification entirely. My mother has always been somewhat emotionally unstable, suffering from depression, and taking medication. She was a loving mother but quickly became distraught or withdrawn, arguing with my dad and me over small things and raising her voice and crying a lot. My dad and I would talk in private about how distressing this behaviour was and those conversations eventually became an emotional outlet for my dad to talk about how sad it made him and other issues he had with my mother. These were things I'd never heard before and it would upset me a great deal but I would hide my sadness to help my dad. I can even remember from a young age breaking up their arguments and reminding them of things they love about the each other. Nowadays my mom treats me like a friend more than a daughter. I can see that she wants to be motherly but she struggles to be selfless. Writing this has helped.
I now take antidepressants, experience anxiety and resentment and conciously fear being taken advantage of, being exploited, being asked to do more than I offer etc.
Same thing is happening with me and I'm learning things and trying to heal...
Not getting their emotional needs met from their partner and putting it on the child makes perfect sense, as does the physical parenting - looking after the house and the primary caregiver. Thank you x
,,
I'm just starting to explore this as an adult. I got to be the baby of the family while being sort of resented by my older siblings until I was 10. When my younger siblings were born, I was the mother of them. I had no choice. Mom didn't want them in her room with her. So, they stayed in my room and if they climbed out of their crib and hit the floor, it was my fault. From then on, if we went to any gathering, I was made to follow them around and watch them whenever Mom didn't feel like it. If anything happened to them, I was blamed. I had to change their cloth diapers . I understand it's how Mom was raised but I also know that she resented being treated that way yet never made the connection that I deserved better.
My dad always treated me like a confidant. Full on emotional parentification and he guilts me for pushing back. It sucks.
I was Never asked what I wanted or needed. Yes, I have experienced all the maladies of being used and unappreciated, and Never being loved for Me. This has impacted me all my adult life. Relationships, Work, it amounts to carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. A very very sad predicament to find yourself in. Chuck
Sounded very familiar, though to some extent the self-reliance thing is kind of inverted, I am extremely self-reliant emotionally and cognitively but became so avoidant I checked out of the world / have been long term unemployed. Clawing out of it now though. Anyway thank you
I understand.
that's me as well....
Me too…
Only realizing this in my 40s. I parentified both my parents emotionally and did all the household chores because they never got done. I also parented my younger brother
My BPD momma, and 3 BPD sisters...Effected EVERY decision I've made in my life! At 55, I'm afraid the damage cant be undone. I get now. Thank God for that. I PRAY FOR OTHERS WHO WALKED IN THESE SHOES.
I’m working on the same thing about the same age. It’s been a lot of work but I am feeling so much better unfortunately though the healthier I get the more toxic the relationship with my siblings has become now that our Narc and mentally ill parents have passed. Best wishes to you on your healing journey!
I think I was emotionally parentified. I took on some of those instrumental roles to support my parent even though I wasnt specifically asked because i was so focused on removing burden from my parents life. I definitely over identified. My parent had bad back pain. I would physically brace myself in anticipation of their pain any time we were on a bumpy car ride or something. Learning about parentification has really opened my eyes to what happened to me
I finally moved out and watched my family fall apart because I'm not there to do everyone's "chores" and be the constant emotional caretaker. Its scary but helpful to know its not all in my head.
Omg thank you for this! It's much more clear now what my source of anxiety is! My mom was basically an empath being 'tortured' by my narcissistic dad so I had always felt obligated to protect and soothe her. Also she desperately tried to keep up "I'm fine" facade to her friends and extended family so yeah, she turned to me whenever she needed emotional support.
Thank you so much for this, because they both had passed away last year and I wanna be free from this strange long-term anxiety. I want to keep their good memories but it was hard with my mental state. With this hopefully I can heal further and remembering the good times better. Thanks ma'am!
You are very welcome. I'm sorry to hear all this, but I definitely do think it can be worked through! Wishing you health and healing,
I was definitely a parentified child but I don't obviously display some of the symptoms. I'm curious as to why some of the symptoms show up while others don't.
I'm currently 21 and during my first therapy appointment about a year ago, I told my therapist how when my parents divorced my dad left. As a result, throughout middle school and half of high school I had to help my mom take care of my younger brother while she worked nights as a server. Even at that young age it was obvious to me how she couldn't afford a babysitter for majority of the week. I was willing and felt the obligation to take on this role not only to help, but I also didn't trust the other adults I was around at the time. Now when I look back on that period of my life, I feel kind of resentful towards my role of being an older sister because of it. Even if I bring up that I was parentified, it gets dumbed down to "Well there was her friend that lived below us I was never completely alone" but that pissed me off because I still did all the work! No one there checked too often unless if my then toddler brother was throwing a huge tantrum and could hear it from downstairs. My therapist asked me if I've heard of the term parentification. So I've looked more into it and I found this video very informative and can relate to some of these signs personally! It hit home a little bit lol
Often we need to look for validation outside of the family system that created and maintained the problem. I hope the video was helpful!
@@BarbaraHeffernan It did! Thank you so much!
I've been an adult since coming out of the womb. You wonder where your coming from and why no one else intervened on your behalf. This is why so many of us who were Parentified have difficulties with authority or a belief in God. Chuck
God is not an abusive father like our Earthly parents can be. God blesses us with parents who are supposed to be our first examples of the love of God and God‘s hierarchy, But many parents fail miserably to show us the love of God and it results just like you have said… With adult children who mistrust authority and God himself. Heartbreaking really. Please don’t stop seeking a relationship with God because the devil had a foothold on your parents. Don’t let evil rob your parents AND you of your inheritance. If you ever feel compelled, please see a Catholic priest. You are loved beyond measure by the Lord. That might feel impossible because your parents didn’t even show that kind of love, but I assure you it’s true true. We cannot know the love of God until we know what God is like, So please get to know Him. Take care, hon.
@@hiddenhand6973 Thanks for your thoughtfulness in acknowledging my unfortunate childhood. However, your suggestion regarding a Catholic priest is the very last thing I'd ever do. Had grown up Catholic, and my experiences with priests we shaming, fault finding, and anything but supportive. I'm learning to trust God, but have no intention of ever seeking solace with a pompous, arrogant, self righteous, indignant holier than thou person. They are worse than any and all the traumatized experiences I've ever encountered. God bless you and thanks again for your response.
My Father died when I was 6 months old and my disabled, grieving mother parentified and spoucified me 😵💫
I'm sorry that happened.
Yeah my dad was the one we had to tip toe around and I was the one that had to hear about how much my mom hated him
I find also the kind that is rarely talked about that I do not believe psychologists speak to, but it's largely parenting oneself as a child emotionally; having to protect themselves and develop coping methods to live with the well intentioned but poor active involvement by the parent; make the decisions that are best for themselves when the parent has instructed to their detriment and they know better. Thank you for sharing! I have experienced both of what you explained.
5:04 my mom does this to me ever since I was 11 or 12 and I never knew this was called emotional parentification, and now I'm a broken adult (24) who doesn't feel ready and capable of life. Ever since I found out why I am the way I am right now was because of how my parents treated me as a kid, I found myself continuously blaming them every time I feel broken and vulnerable towards the world and how things are in my life, I can't help it. I really really don't want to repeat my parents parenting mistakes on my future children if I ever have kids. 😭
Hey I am 24 as well. I have been through what this video is on about. You probably aren't broken. But work with what you have got and how you can improve on yourself. If you don't live with your parents that means you can have freedom to find the things you like and to understand your emotions better and how to look after yourself. As you are not sure if you want or don't want kids. Well take that with caution. But read books and watch programmes about parenting in case you did have kids and this would mean you was mean you are prepared to parent. Also your future husband might understand you best and always be there helping you out on raising a family. But right now do the stuff that interested you. If you can work and travel well that's a comfort zone for new things you like start. All the best.
Hi Katherine: I totally understand feeling this way, yet I want to encourage you to realize you are not broken, and many things can help - therapy, meditation, etc. I work with people in their 50s who are only just having this realization, and they can still turn things around so they can live happier lives. It does take a lot of work, but it is possible. Wishing you health and healing.
I really like the nuance you create between positive and negative coping skills. They can be very effective, but overall unhealthy. Unfortunately, I really relate to that.
Yes, this makes sense. And I agree, it’s often not said what has to be done. I felt my moms burden. I felt burdened and sad my entire childhood, to the extent that I don’t remember anything else, nothing concrete, than this feeling of being SO unhappy and lonely.
Yes, I don’t feel as if I had a childhood. And I never even considered to have own children. My main concern has always been to become and stay independent in every sense you can think of. I am a successful adult who feels completely free and independent, but unhappy and lonely most of the time.
I prefer to do everything by myself. Because I don’t trust anyone, and because everyone is solely interested in his own stuff. Thus, you can never rely they would truly act in your interest.
And I am deeply convinced that my analysis of how humans „work“ is on point.
Interestingly, after a disastrous relationship I decided that I never want to experience such intense love again. Because I can’t handle it. After 5 years being single I then chose a guy I was not in love with, but felt good. It felt safe. I have been in a relationship with him for 12 years now. It’s kind of boring, but it provides the stability I need so desperately. And when I look around, it seems my relationship is essentially better than most others.
28 yrs for me, safe is safe. . . There are worse things😢
I’m 18 and trying to figure out what is wrong with me... You literally answered the question. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!!
Hi Christion: You are very welcome. Identifying a problem can be the first step in solving it. Also, wonderful to recognize it at your young age! Wishing you health and healing.
I’m literally right here with you as a fellow 18 year old, I always wondered if my feelings were crazy but this video definitely made me realize my emotions a very real
I experienced both types of parentification from an early age. I have a lot of friends my parents' age, or older, because I've always had a hard time relating to others my own age. This video was very informative and helpful.
NIV, Joel 2:25 🦋
"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten - the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm - my great army that I sent among you.
Makes sense..been there done all that..first time hearing this term..good job
Can you make a video on how to develop a healthy relationship having been parentified and about interdependence please?
Great topics! Will add them to the list.
My mother has lupus along with a few other autoimmune diseases. I started being the functional and emotional caretaker around 5 years old. I’d get myself up and dressed, feed myself, then wake her up to take me to school. Things like that. The list of things I did grew longer the older I got. I ended up taking care of my grandmother when she had cancer, I was around 10-14. I helped with a lot of medical things... I’m just now realizing how damaging that was, and that there is a word for it. I have severe anxiety, am always stressed, and have serious issues with depression. I’m currently seeking treatment, and this has always been a roadblock in therapy. I refuse to discuss it because I still feel like that scared kid afraid of being taken away if I talked about it with anyone. Seeing videos like this have helped me understand these things far better then half the therapists I’ve seen. They typically start to insinuate that my mother was a bad mother, I get defensive and clam up, and it’s like they’ve betrayed me or something. It’s frustrating and weird and I am hoping to get help now that I have a word I can use to better describe it.
I definitely think that knowing the words and defining the problem more clearly can be super helpful! I wish you all the best in your healing journey.
This made me cry. Thank you for validating my experience
Very good ty. Still trying to self-differentiate at age 43.
The main disturbance for me, from a teen on, was my inability to distinguish between safe or unsafe people. My parents had excused their under functioning addictive behaviors. They had relied on me so much in all areas you mentioned. I honestly believed it was normal. I agree that I had a distorted version of myself as more capable & more intelligent. So sad to think of the years I lost repeatedly rescuing and caretaking others at my own expense. I have been unimaginably resentful and took it out on myself. I experienced terrible panic attacks because I refused to leave an abusive marriage. I always thought there was something wrong with me.
I am “Thankful” for all the TH-cam videos on this subject that have helped me see the truth about my self.
My parents are Hispanic and in their 60s so growing up I never saw them show affection and they were only together for us (me & siblings) and separated after I (the youngest) moved out. So i had to mediate their relationship and listen to them say how they hated each other and i had to deal with that from my teens to now, even tho they are separated now
At my first therapy session she let me know I was parentified. I was actually relieved but also annoyed that she said that but it explains so much. Oh my. So much.
When I was in high school it was me, my parents, my older brother and his son and my little sister. My parents and brother worked so it was up to me to wake my sis up for middle school and wake nephew for grade school. Make sure they brushed, had clean clothes, did their homework, walk them to class, made dinner, cleaned, did laundry, and broke up fights between the two. I was really resentful because I wasn't allowed to do any after school clubs or activities, I couldn't hang out with my friends or ex, I never really had any privacy or time to myself. The thing that got me the most was I was never allowed to discipline either of them. My mom would rush in, undermine me or even punish me if I tried to put either of them on time out. She would even do it to my dad and brother. To say that my nephew was a spoiled demon child is an understatement
Even as a 26 year old woman I still feel the affects of parentification; my nephew is 13 now and I never really talk to him or if I do its awkward and standoffish on my part. I'm just really resentful. I know it's not his fault or my sis. But it's really hard getting over all that responsibility and no respect or gratitude was shown towards me at that time. And my mom wonders why I don't really talk to her.
I had my mother 'off load' her worries and anxieties onto me via talking to me for upto two hours at a time. I was 16/17 at the time. During these 'sessions' I could feel myself absorbing the depression she experienced. Looking back, I suppose I felt that at that age, I was old enough to take it. But I seem to have 'inherited' my mother's depression & anxiety. This in turn effects confidence etc. Am fourty nine now.
Someone told me that a male child inherits mother's genes.
6:00 it seens logical to me that if a parent don't have the maturity to take care of their household in the fisical sense, they will likely not be able to do it on the emocional sense. So, yes, it makes sense (sorry for the bad english, btw. It is not my first language)
I relate so much. My mom dumped a lot of emotional stuff on me before I was ready. Another facet, I was expected to work in my family shop, or alternately I was home alone for long periods of time where I would fend for myself. As a teen my dad got sick and I remember taking him to doctor’s appointments. In adulthood I fell into “all the responsibility but none of the power” dynamic with my family.
Can that happen to a 15 year old? I’m not like an elementary schooler so idk if it’s the same, but me and my 16 year old brother are nearly constantly in charge of our little siblings. We bathe them, make their food, and always have them with us. On top of that we clean the house and the second we get a bit of free time, our mom calls us to do something else. This was going on for a long time, but now that we’re stuck at home I can really feel it weighing on my mental health.
Yes. These are not tasks a teenager should be doing regularly. This is what a parent should do. Teens should be doing homework and having fun with friends. I am 41 and am dealing with the effects of this stuff still. Tell a counselor what is happening. Or ask your mom for therapy for you. Family therapy is part of that and hopefully you can stop this before the damage is done. Good luck sister.
I wholeheartedly agree with Sarah about reaching out for help. I wish my family had this kind of knowledge back when it could have made a difference to our future (I'm also 41 & the youngest of 5). I know this is a year old comment so I hope you were able to find help & that things are better for you 💖
Wow! This speaks volumes to me. I was this child and unfortunately, I did that to my children as well. I’ve worked very hard to change these patterns and I have made amends to my children and do things different. Thank you for this and yes I did become an alcohol but I’ve been sober 45 years and I have a great relationship with my children now. I’m so happy I found this❤
From 8 until 25 years old my whole life revolves around partnering with my mom to babysit my siblings, cooking, cleaning, paying bill, doing laundry, giving meds etc. my Mom would say that if I didn’t help she would have to quit her job and we would lose our home and have no food. I had to emotionally support her bc she said that my dad was not there and that she loved him but he’s addicted to drugs and he can’t help us so she needs me to help her.
She would say that I’m a blessing and God would bless me one day. At 25 when I told my mom no to babysitting my Down syndrome sister and her friends kid for free I got cursed out snd almost kicked out the house. Now I’m 32 married and working I have personality issues , a career, no kids , but a dog. Whenever I do have kids I will never treat them like this.
I was parentificated and spousificated.
Your explanation makes perfect sense.
I was parentified as a child. I was always told how great I was at everything and it just so happened to be cleaning my mothers home and cars and mowing the lawn and doing stuff my father should be doing. I was also told how mature I was for my age and how I was better then my father (they were divorced). Before the divorce they would fight and argue and my mother would get in her car and take off and sometimes my father the same but I would have to be the mediator of their arguments and fights and try to calm them down while at the same time taking care of my little brother to prevent him from seeing it all. My mom would come to me and bad talk my father and say how bad he and his family was and my dad would come to me out of frustration. My mom would get into fights with him and tell me I had to stand up for her so I would not knowing anything and my dad soon resented me. My brother was diagnosed with cancer later on when he was 20 and I took on the role of taking care of things he needed and for my parents. I was brainwashed and robbed of my childhood and have cut my mother out and my brother resents me.
Thankfully I have figured this all out and am working with a therapist. Thru it all I was able to get away from them and their clutches, marry a woman I love that’s the polar opposite of my family and pull myself out and become successful and live a somewhat normal life. Despite everything I went thru as a child. If I can do it, I hope everyone suffering from similar instances can as well!
Thank you for sharing your hope with everyone! Yes, it is possible to pull out, and how awesome you did the work :)!
I am having a difficult time differentiating between loving and caring for my family and parentification. A part of me feels as though what I do is what is expected, it's what a loving older sister does. But then again, I question my though process. I am having a hard time believing there's something wrong with me.
I do feel like a fraud, a self hatred.
Sending hugs! It’s tough to doubt your thoughts. You are worthy of respect and boundaries. I hope you get some healing!
I have been there and still struggle to a certain degree. I heard from Jerry Wise that the more I’m focused on an unhealthily toxic member the more I need to engage in self care. Taking care of and focusing on my self has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done but has also brought me so much healing. I wish you all the best. As an oldest child, I too understand these feelings!
Hi Barbara, its my son who pointed me to your video about Parentification. I think I have emotionally parentified him because me and my husband have been estranged and so he became my go to and I think the mother son relationship is quite enmeshed. What should I do, pls advise, genuinely looking for support to help my son. I am heartbroken to know this is how he feels and I want to help him heal but I dont know how to or what to do. Pls help 😔🙏
Make total sense the link about emotion plus work explotation. I was called my mother name number 2 by my brothers as a devaluation remark. They are flying monkes of her always putting me down. Now I leave alone and despite the fact that I have to find out who I am, I never be so happy and free. The first day after my mother pass away, the first thouht that came to my mind was that will be the first day of my 62 years of life that there was no critic about my food. ( It is a very good food chinese and french, but she always find a problem, even me being rhe only one taking care of her. It was people like you with videos like yours that have help me. Keep your great work! You are helping people as far as me here in Brazil. Best wishes!
I'm curious about the "old soul" phenomenon. People have always called me that and majority of my friends are 20+ years my senior. Reflecting on the cynicism I have for others my age (resentment) I found that I've internalized my parent's world view/values. Sure, the kitschy/novelty aspect of what was popular in generations preceding mine are very interesting, but to the extent of having nostalgia for eras I wasnt even born into is very odd. My parents to this day will reminisce with me about things as if I had experienced it with them when they were growing up and I habitually agree with them cause I know they need the validation they never got when, ideally, they should be sharing these memories with their peers. It's strange how I can respond/please my elders but I dont know how to with children. I stand there just as shy and nervous as them, among them.
Healing is certainly a process, but the awareness was the real relief.
Great, videos, channel etc. Thank you👍
I've always been smarter than everyone I meet. I'm 29, My best friends are 45, 52 and 68, 73.
I cannot stand young "people".
I just want to thank you. As I've found myself struggling since as far back as I can remember. I am finding out at 22 that it is not by my own doing and i'm not crazy but that my parent(s) fell short on raising me. Sad part is my mother is a giant narcissist and refuse to admit whether they've done wrong.
Thank you for doing what you do. Everything you explain in this video has been my entire life. You've opened my eyes to a situation i wasn't able to recognize before and now I can move forward in life. A little harder work but that's nothing we aren't used to.
I'm so pleased this was helpful (and so sorry you have experienced/are experiencing this). Yes, moving forward without expecting acknowledgement from parents is often needed. If you haven't seen it, this video may be helpful:th-cam.com/video/qwUNpi4rMyM/w-d-xo.html
Yes - I went away to boarding school at 16. Mom called me and wanted boyfriend advice and I remember saying that I was only 17 and trying to figure out my own relationships.
I had a physical encounter with a girl near my age, when I was 11. that was the end of me. I feared the police, and jail, and I was smarter than my parents by age 13. And listening to both my parents issues with eachother at 16, 17. My dad said my mom didn't give him enough sex.. that "he had needs". Maybe around 19.. 21.. my dad said he was going to go drown himself in a lake, and cried on my shoulder.
My mom leans on me emotionally, constantly.
This was very well explained and helped me understand trauma a lot more clearly. One of the impacts of parentification really hit home and was something I was trying to figure out for a while; the tendency for the child to fuse so completely with their parent that they lose the ability to differentiate themselves enough to understand the unhealthy dynamic. I would describe it personally like a brain fog, feeling that something is wrong but not having enough self awareness or internal clarity to distinguish the memories, emotions, and issues of the past. Thank you for your video.
I would say I was partially parentified starting when I was 10 when my youngest brother was born. My parents were busy at work, and my older brother and sisters were in boarding schools. I became the oldest child to stay at home and I literally took care of my brother including feeding him, bathing him, changing his diapers, putting him for naptime and taking care of him when my parents weren't at home. I also did the laundry and I cleaned up after my other younger siblings. I remember feeling so frustrated because I was unable to go out to play because I was left at home to take care of him. I still love my parents and my siblings, but after that I was so resentful and it always felt like they never love me more or paid more attention to me anyway, even though I have done so much more than my other siblings. When I finally went to a boarding school at 13, I was relieved because I don't have to take care of my baby brother anymore. Nowadays, my mother would say I'm the best at cleaning and doing laundry but in my heart the resentment never actually goes away.
This helps do much. It hurts and heals to hear that I’m not alone, it’s recognised and fixable. I’ve a lot to work on
Feeling overwhelmed even when the feeling cannot be associated with matters in the moment.
Yes!!!!
Yes I agree that they go together! I was 11 years old when my mother would treat me like a friend and confided pretty much everything including her sex life. I also babysat 6 days a week and would have to start dinner every day. Spousafication also.
My father also started this at age 11. Started to treat me like a friend and confidant about things way beyond my age and inappropriate stuff.
@@XeaRae I am sorry that you have also gone through this. It was completely unfair to us as children.
My mother struggled severely with mental illness and addiction in my teenage years shortly after giving birth to my youngest sibling, while she self medicated in her room for days I cared for my siblings and infant brother almost full time while going to high school and I feel like it really stunted me developmentally, emotionally and even academically because I was so focused on keeping my family alive, my brain didn’t retain much info or skill academically and ultimately left me feeling unable to take care of myself without putting others needs first
Thank you, Barbara. I get you all the way. You know, I watched The Little House On The Prairie as a young child. Now, as a woman at over fifty, I love watching that series. (I feel so happy watching the series.) I love Charles Ingalls, and even more I love Michael Landon. What an amazing human being he was and man, what a legacy he left to so many people in the world. I am healing myself, as I am watching that series. Now, I know about my childhood, and it´s impact on my life. I loved the series when I was a kid, and it is really amazing that in a way I appreciate it now in the very same way as I appreciated the series as a kid (the ethics, compassion, integrity, love etc.) I am not watching the series now, nor did watch it when a kid, thinking that "oh how sad, my mum was never like that", or "this is such a happy family... how I suffer from my own dysfunctional family". I think that is curious that I do not make judgements now, and I did not make judgements when I was a kid.
Thank you. This is such amazing information that it's helping me better understand myself so much
Wow. This gives me insight into why I never wanted to have children. I didn't want to have to take care of somebody else's feelings. I wanted to finally be able to just focus on myself and take care of myself and that's what I've done for the last 30 plus years. I've enjoyed it quite a lot.
This hit home for me! I was taught we needed to support each other as a family unit . I'am the oldest of 5 so I was "in charge" of yelling and telling even though I wa blamed for allowing them to never thought it was an explanation for
I am now in my fifties and unfortunately there has not been an end to the unhealthy dynamics in our family. My younger siblings can barely contain their contempt for me and honestly I feel like they are keeping the abuse cycle going.
I was the emotional caretaker for both parents. Incurred being a emotionally incested by my mother who had no loving connection with my father. I took on adult tasks at a very early age. I was referee between my parents physical confrontations. You are correct about never having had a childhood. Chuck
My spouse and I were both raised in large families where we were both had this. We have recognized this and we are working to heal from the issues this caused. My spouse carried the emotional load and had to be the mother in the home due to her own mother being too busy to do it. The worst one I remember for myself was having my mother discussing becoming separated from my dad and bringing my and some of my siblings. She was talking about having me help with the bills by working to help support them.
How wonderful that you and your spouse are working together to heal. So sorry you went through this.
I was burnt out from raising my siblings constantly by the time I was 12 and I was the couples mediator for my parents which didn't help. Well, I was also in a spouse role with my mom. It definitely turned me off of having kids because I feel way too strung out and I'm petrified of messing up a kid because all of my siblings are messed up and I know that I contributed to some of their trauma. It definitely feels like I failed three kids so I never wanted to try again.
Thank you for making the distinction about giving children chores. I think it's incredibly important for their development and for them to be functional adults themselves one day instead of completely helpless. Many who are parentified themselves do the opposite as a backlash with their own children, I think.
Interesting comment. Yes, my kids learned to do their own laundry and make lunch fairly young, and by the time they graduated high school they were all very good cooks :)
@@BarbaraHeffernan that's good. I thought it was important that we think of it as training for our children. Starting at two we'd teach them to put the silverware away or hand plates to their older siblings. Being parentified AND an ENTJ I love work and hate laziness. I've seen what happens when you don't have rules and structure. We try to balance the two so they have play time and work time but I never wanted our children to feel like they were unsure of where their next meal would come from or if the electricity would work when they flipped the switch. You may think this is funny, but my husband was spousified as an adolescent. We both take care of each other, thankfully, because we definitely don't want to do it for ourselves! :P I just discovered your videos yesterday and I've appreciated the mostly down to earth approach and acknowledgement of little things I don't see in other discussions about this subject.
You are SPOT ON!
um, wow, you just summarized my life and my feelings, didn't know there was a name for this. When my father died I was 6, I became an adult that day and took on the emotional caregiver for my mother, family. I was emotionally neglected and often ignored, she did the best she could. I'm a perfectionist, overachiever, high achiever, caregiver to everyone, rescuer, and still in this very toxic pattern with my mother. Bottom line, I'm sad, unhappy (even though I have a very blessed life), chronically anxious but cover it up like a pro. I don't have enough energy to even unpack it all with therapy. One day at a time. I'm just tired of faking being happy, I just want to be alone and with my dogs, it's so frustrating. Thank you for sharing this, it's validating.
This was my life. So accurate.
Sorry to hear that..I have a few with steps on healing in case you haven't seen them: .th-cam.com/video/oMNPjO9c7sA/w-d-xo.html
I just realized my own mother was parentified and she never healed from it. She then became emotionally dependent on my sister and her daughter who lived with her for 18 years. Now my mother is dying and she doesn’t know how to let anyone take care her. This helps me have more compassion for her stubbornness as I see that she is stuck in her childhood patterns . Her mother died when she was only 7 and she helped take care of five brothers. Then she married a dependent man and had a big family. She was also a high achiever at her job and a perfectionist. Our family was also enmeshed.
I was definitely parentified as a child for sure! Thanks for sharing!
Many of us were! I hope this is helpful!
I work in the family law field in NC. This term is new to me as of today, but it applies to one of my cases. Thanks for posting
cool, did you have to deal with an adult who got mentally fucked because of parentification history?
This is a great video!!❤ I am on the journey of healing being parentified.
I've done therapy on and off for years, but realized last year sometime this is a deep area I still struggle with.
Praying for those who have struggled with healing in this area!
We are still here on this earth for a reason and God can turn your trauma around for the good🦋
Ms.Heffernan , thank you! I have seen this information about Parentification in many places . You put in context for me. You put it in a way that made sense to me ! It ‘s a problem that Hispanic and Asian cultures have , among others. It’s in the proper order , in the proper wording . It’s the proper vibration! I don’t want to give you excessive praise because I know that is not helpful but I wish you health and happiness for decades to come! And if I ever see you I’d like to give you a very big kiss ! If that’s possible of course! I have been looking for this information for around 30 years. I’ve had many therapists all them have been Good for Nothing! Touched very little , if at all the subject of Parentification. But I knew that my situation was directly related to my caregivers. I think that what made the discovery possible was the Buddhist connection !! I studied a lot Buddhism that’s how I know you are Universally proper and have the objective truth. Strange Angel ! But a great one!
This becomes far worse when your mother becomes older and ceases to cope, and you are left to function for them. Its completely life depleting
YES, I’m my moms care taker but even before that I was always there
Me too the memories of my childhood feature my mother being too tired to pay attention, me having to take care of everything
Same here. My parents are in their 60s and already guilty tripping me for living abroad and not not being there for them
@@lucascoelho1995 where did go if you don't mind me asking? Who helped you (friends, resources, etc)?
@@denishawatson5 I’m originally from Brazil but I’m living in Ireland at the moment
I am the identified patient and the parentified child. I was emotionally neglected and should have become an addict. I am extremely self-reliant and I am fighting becoming bitter
How wonderful you are so resiliant! So sorry you had all that to go through - it is great that you are trying not to get bitter. I think sometimes realizing that our parents were damaged by theirs, and back and back in history, helps us not get caught in the bitterness. WIshing you all the best on your healing journey.
Thank you for this video, until now I had never heard the term “parentification” but realise this was exactly what happened to me. The only sign that didn’t resonate with me was No 5 (over identification). As a parent myself of grown up children I totally went the other way and was a bit over protective and didn’t give my children chores or responsibilities until they were in their teens, and they were financially rewarded for their actions. I am happy to say they are in the main happy and well adjusted young adults, and I’m incredibly proud of both of them. I think my own child hood ended around the time my youngest sister was born, when I was 8. From then on I was very responsible for her care, and this increased significantly when my Mum returned to work when my sister was 5. My responsibilities grew to include caring for my sister after school, housework and cooking, interestingly my brother who was 2 years younger than me wasn’t expected to help in any way as he wasn’t “responsible enough”. This led to a lot of resentment on my part. On the plus side, I do think it has made me very independent and I have achieved quite a lot (career wise) but the constant underlying anxiety has caused me a lot of distress, and I think it’s a bit sad that as a teenager I couldn’t really be carefree as I always had responsibilities at home. I had to leave school at 16 and get a job to contribute to the family finances, but left home at 19 as I couldn’t tolerate the dysfunction in the family any longer. Sadly that meant leaving my sister who was only 11 to deal with our parent’s chaotic lifestyle on her own. I still feel guilty about that.
Wow, this touches my heart. I hope one day you are able to see that that isn't your guilt to carry. Sometimes the movie technique can be very helpful:
th-cam.com/video/ElvdfmdSvpM/w-d-xo.html
I also go into this technique in the free PDF I offer (link under notes to video).
Wishing you healing and happiness,
Thanks for the video, I thought the explanation was great.
Thank you for this. I came to this video because of a conversation I recently had with my sister about our parents over sharing with us. Boundaries really were non existent and our mom shared everything with us, including a lot of negativity about other family members and problems with her marriage. It seems this fits in with the emotional parentification. Another issue I had was that my parents really involved me in their conflicts with family members, colleagues, and church leaders. I even confronted some of these people on behalf of my parents; I felt responsible to work these things out for them. I know they didn’t actually expect me to take this on, but I did. Up until my mid thirties I really worshiped my parents and felt a strong sense of loyalty to them. I have been working through creating some healthy boundaries and realizing that I can be separate from them as an adult while still maintaining a healthy adult relationship with them.
Hi; you are very welcome and I’m glad this was helpful. My video on Emotional Enmeshment may also be helpful.
I was the scapegoat in our family. I remember being 3-4 years old. My drunk dad came home, raged+ beat my mother often. Afterwards I was her comfort. I would try to kiss her tears away+ say don't cry mommy. It was horrid. I did not have much of a childhood.
I came home from school in the 5th grade - my mom was partying with work colleagues in our apartment- I remember she said later she was smoking pot and couldn't let me in. I went to a teenage neighbor's house and she comforted me and gave me a snack. This is just one example.
Yes.
Was never asked just needed too.
My parents were explosive.
I’m finding I’m having to do this - (parentification) - with my elderly father, who I also highly suspect is a high-functioning Autistic individual.
My brother, who is one year younger than me, is also a high-functioning Autistic adult.
Both of them have obvious mental/cognitive disabilities - (with both of them seemingly unable to figure out more complex life issues) - but I’ve done my very best to help them, in both figuring out various problems that arise in their lives, as well as trying to help them try & think deeper/more widely for themselves.
It’s very frustrating, however, when the parent doesn’t heed the advice - & then ends up falling short of a real solution that could have ended the problem, right then & there, & made their lives a lot less hectic. 🤷♀️
Honestly? Parentification is no fun, for many - but the situation becomes even more complex & more difficult, when the parent actually has a disability/challenge that adds (maybe even creates?) the issue with parentification.
Thank you, this has given me some insight. As someone who took care of my single parent mother from age 10-15 years when she was terminally ill, managing schoolwork, cleaning house, travelling overseas with her to family, and then self-parenting and emotionally supporting an older half-sister after our mother died, I am overly independent and do not trust; have grown up fear-based; driven by anxiety; struggled with depression, restlessness and a sense that I can never slow down; a workaholic; a people pleaser who has had to really look at what is important to me and who has, despite the best of intentions, created neglectful emotionally non committal relationship dynamics or attracted others who are emotionally wounded and use addictions to self medicate, or where the dynamic becomes one where I become the parent… I’ve lost confidence in being able to make good choices with relationships, and I’m now at the point where I go emotionally numb. I feel like I can’t open up emotionally anymore and risk in relationships. I want a child but I can’t seem to move forward with relationships to provide that stability and care, and then am terrified that if I have a child alone, that I’ll perpetuate my mother’s story of dying and leaving a young person alone to raise themselves. Thanks again. I’ll keep an eye out for further videos.
I was a caretaker for my family starting at 5 years old and till I left my family home at age 18. I also had to care for my mentally ill, depressed, violent mother and I was her counselor and confidant. It has been a source of difficulty in romantic relationships and at work. I have been in therapy for many years and have gotten better but still have more healing to do. Thank you so much for this video and subject matter.
So sorry to hear that, Christine. How awesome you are doing the work you need to do to recover! Wishing you health and healing, Barbara
Perfect sense. It can sometimes depend on the relationship and maybe even the child's age if a child fills an emotional role and instrumental role. For me, not so much until I was eleven. We moved and mom had a new job. She couldn't handle housework anymore.
My dad was the one who everyone had to "tip toe" around and I felt I had to pacify him and cover for my mom so he wouldn't get angry or lash out at her or us. My mom also treated me like a surrogate spouse, expecting me to support her emotionally when my dad was hostile. Both my parents reinforced this idea that I was supposed to take on this "adult role" without specifically saying it. I just acted this way to avoid unpleasant consequences. I took on the role of "mom" to pacify my dad and took on the role of "dad" to pacify my mom. People outside our home would always make comments about how "mature" I was and how I needed to "lighten up" and "have fun." I used to think there was something wrong with ME that I couldn't just "be a kid" and have fun. Now I understand why.
I can so relate!
Great 👍 Content!!
My parents would talk to my siblings about me rather than foster a direct relationship with me.
Same with my Narc Dad! I think he knew what he did to me was abusive and he wanted to make me the scapegoat to the whole family. I sought therapy for my challenges, my family sought projection and addiction to deal with their pain.
Journaling about theses “pressures” is really helpful. It should lead to an understanding of “what is” or ‘should be” expected of ourselves.
Yes! I agree!
Joined the military at 17 just to get the hell outa my MOTHER'S plan for the rest of my life. Haven't really talked to her since I turned old enough to take her off my bank account.
Good for you! Strong boundaries are a MUST.
I went through both from my mother.... Making me her half husband, taking care of my half-siblings (5) of them...
Care for them emotionally, caring for their schools and pay for them as well...