Narcissistic Mother Daughter Relationship
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 มี.ค. 2021
- In this video Darren Magee describes some of the dynamics in a narcissistic mother daughter relationship. These include blaming, guilt tripping and shaming. The narcissistic mother controls and dominates and often the daughter is left feeling isolated, alone and uncertain of who she really is.
The daughter has to learn to navigate life avoiding the narcissistic abuse and neglect while being scapegoated.
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Tell us what to do to pull up from this hideous treatment. My mother rarely looked at me when talking to me. But she also could be wonderful. I was off balance. I loved her more than anything.
this is the best and most accurate description of this relationship. excellent resource Darren.
Hi Darren! Thanks for this video, this is exactly what i grew up in and still deal with every now and then. I wonder.... what caused my mum to become like this? If i look at my grandparents, they were the most loving people i know. I would love to hear you speak on this topic. My mum does have 4 sisters (who she used as flying monkeys) and she is the second youngest. Could it be emotional neglect? Or being bulkied by her sisters? I do notice that my mum is the least in picking order when it comes to my aunties....
Again, i feel so validated because it seems that not too much people realise the pain i grew up in and so it is a relief to feel understood through your videos🙏🏽💜 God bless you!
Thanks for this post Darren. You have described in detail the dynamics in my family. I was abused emotionally and verbally all my life. My "Golden child" brother was treated so differently. My older sister also was abused but sadly now her behaviour mirrors our mothers & she is highly abusive towards her kids & husband & employees. I feel the hardest thing is handling the smear campaigns and the "victim" persona my mother exudes. Also that folk are enablers - flying monkeys who know exactly how she behaves but do/say nothing. You lose both family & friends coz folk don't see how she really behaves behind closed doors. Its the "HOUSE DEVIL TOWN ANGEL" syndrom..They see a poor victim - a Mother Theresa character who runs about doing good deeds in an attempt to enhance their image for the outside world. I have gone back to uni to get my degree in English Literature & creative writing. Ive now been published and continue to thrive following years of depression - anxiety - meds - therapy. But I am determined to be stronger. Be the better person for this experience and prove to my family & friends that you can survive narcissistic abuse. No contact is the only way - btw!!! Get away from the toxicity. Its evil to the core.
Extremely accurate! Thank you. I would like to know more about treatment, therapy, especially about being a daughter of a narcissistic mother. Emdr maybe? Where to get this treatments from phycologiat especialista in this kind of post traumatic stress, caused by these abuse since childhood all the way to adult life. I am 46, and started to learn about my trauma just a year ago. Many thanks, again. Super accurate!
Oh my goodness. The mother allowing the child to be bullied by siblings and abused by family members, and doing nothing to defend her-that was my childhood.
Thank you for sharing I'm glad you found the video helpful
I had the same experience. Every point in this video is spot on, sadly.
Mine too.
Same here. If I told my mother someone had been horrible to me, she always asked what I had done to cause their behaviour. It's only as an adult that I can see how much enjoyment she got from me being bullied and abused without any effort on her part. So much more emotional abuse, but the worst thing, the remaining thing that hurts me so much, is that to the world she is a beautiful, kind person. I have had to keep my silence for 65 years. If I told anyone what she was really like, I would be the one to suffer, to be seen as a bitch and a liar. That's the most hurtful thing of all. She's never said she loves me even once in my whole life. Not even to impress others. And I've constantly endured everyone telling me how fortunate I am to have such an angel for a mother. I just grind my teeth and try to smile and nod because there are no words that could possibly help the situation.
@@yamlwoz I really feel for you. You are describing my ex. What she’s done to my Daughter is beyond belief.
More Daughters need to see this. I went No Contact with 'Mother'. Best decision I ever made.
I also went to no contact zone and enjoying my life like never before. Although it took me 29yr to understand her but thank God I finally an escaped goat now
I have just done this after years of me going back into the hornets nest and apologising for situations which were not my fault. Game over, can’t take it anymore….
Its really telling , how many daughters went no contact and are feeling so much better.....
I have also done it and m so much more at peace.
The mother of my 3 year old little girl is a covert narcissist and these people are a nightmare. I just hope my kid will see her mother for who she is before it's too late.
It also happend to me.
My mother left me to fend for myself and be sexually abused by 3 family members before the age of 10. When I told her of the abuse I faced, she said nothing, didn’t comfort me, total lack of empathy. I will never forgive her for not protecting me.
fuck them they are blind no soul
Forgive her for yourself, she’s a lost cause but you are not. I know your hurt, my mother did the same. Forgive her and release her to God, he will bless you. ❤️
You don't have to forgive her. People prescribe "forgive them" which I find to be a kind of "just let it be" or "be the better person" slant of mind. That can be dangerous because this type of thinking perpetuates a self sacrificing mentality that most survivors of narcissists' have been trained to live by. "Forgive THEM." This thinking takes pressure off of the narcissists who are never demanded to apologize. No one ever says the perpetrator should beg for forgiveness. Only the victim is told to acquiesce and "forgive them." When I read people in comments type this it's the same as saying "give 'em a break!" So, no, don't forgive them. Not unless you truly want to. Not unless you no longer care for an apology or recognition of your pain. I wish she had protected you and I hope you're doing better now.
I'm so sorry. I experienced similar abuse. Sending you love and hugs.
The phrase "forgive" always confused me. "forgive and forget" wow, what a lot to do! I later felt more comfortable with "forgetting it" because to continue to think about it or relive it was a waste my time and my mind. But forgiving always felt wrong, unless restoration was done with them.
Yet I knew something other than dwelling on the abuse was needed. Forgetting was within my own power and caused the abuse to lessen. Yet forgiving was not in my best interest, it said that it was okay what happened to me, in that this person can do it again. Unless they truly apologized and changed - still it existed, they did that. Is it a forgivable offense?
To me, forgiving is not often possible or healthy. Yet Forgetting is the only authentic solution. Then, when you think of it again, just bat it away in seconds saying, "they, or that is not worth thinking about". Any thoughts?
Healing from a Narcissistic mother has been the hardest thing ever. My whole life I never felt good enough, I felt like I had to be a protector for my siblings. I felt unlovable and worthless. I lived in fear, depression, and anxiety. As an adult I've struggled to walk away from my mother because I want to have a relationship with her, I want her approval, I want her to love me. I lived through abusive men, second guessing myself and what I deserve. It wasn't until I met my husband that he helped me start healing from my mom. Showed me that I can be safe with someone, that I am a good mother, that I'm broken, but im not unfixable. That I deserve to be happy. He helped me break through the facade I put up and find out who I am. The breaking point for me with her is when I was planning my wedding. She didn't tell me she was happy or proud of me, but in the same breath tell others how proud she is of "her daughter". After years and years of abuse I still wanted her at my wedding, even though I couldn't sleep for weeks before sending out invitations because I was terrified of how she will act on my big day, how she would act towards me, my family, and guests because that day wasn't about her. It was about celebrating my happiness and love. After talking with my husband I decided to write a letter to her inviting her to the wedding, but setting boundaries so my wedding is not a disaster. I was very respectful out of fear of upsetting her. And when she got it she belittled me for having the feelings of not wanting drugs and alcohol, or drama at the wedding, that this day is about my growing family. And she refused to come because I "attacked her" when in reality just stood up what I needed. I shut down from my husband (then fiance), sunk into that deep depression, gained 20 lbs before my wedding and didn't even want to plan it anymore. Finally my husband sat me down and pulled the truth of what was going on in my head. And I cried for hours telling him that I was afraid he would decide he didn't love me anymore, or that I wasn't worthy of him. And as we dug deeper I realized it stemmed from my mother and that I couldn't understand what was so wrong with me that she couldn't love me. I look at my son and he is my world. I love him with every fiber of my being, and I don't understand why she can't love me. What am I doing wrong and what if my fiance realized it too and didn't want to be with me anymore. I was at my lowest. During what is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life, I was at my worst. I realized that night I had the full breakdown that I keep giving her the power to destroy me, we live 3 states away from each other and she still has her hold on me. I decided then that she wouldn't take anymore happiness and self love from me. I deserved to be happy. I deserved to be loved. My husband has helped me become my true self. And I am so greatful it was part of my wedding vows to him.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I had similar experiences around my wedding, but sounds like it was much worse for you. I also was lucky to meet a man who accepted me. I still can't believe how fortunate I was. My therapist seems to suggest that the fact that I married a mentally healthy person means I am not as damaged as I feel. I hope you are getting better.
Hey, your mom is exactly like my mom and your wedding day is exactly matching with mine one. But I went to no contact zone after 29 yr. My husband helped me to heal from those emotional abuse. Thanks again for sharing your stories
Amy, thank you so much for your comment. At the age of seventy, and my daughter’s age of fifty, I have discovered many narcissistic traits in my self. Therapy has helped tremendously and I believe it will/has helped my daughter as much. Fortunately her wedding 25 years ago was beautiful, and went very well. She even asked me to walk her down the aisle. Her husband, like yours, walked her down the path toward discovery and healing. He even taught her to not respond to my letters until she had a chance to write a calm response to me. There is hope for me, and I will take every opportunity to learn as I go to accept her love for me and how I can finally be the loving Mom we want me to be. Your comment has a lot of knowledge and wisdom, thank you so much.
The day I got engaged i invited my mom to go dress shopping and to my wedding, not 24hrs later i get a text that she wasn't going to go shopping or to my wedding because she couldn't sit there and "duct tape" her mouth shut. She told me to consider her not going as her wedding present. Bare in mind her parents didn't go to her wedding and thats hurt her for 30yrs, she knew how it felt and didn't care. Then come to find out she pissed that my dad went!!! Afterwards I tried to meet with her and talk about things and she wanted nothing to do with it, then she acts like everything is fine and says to my dad "well I didn't go because she really didn't want me to go" I was like, then why would I invite you? She's mad that her actions have consequences, she hurts people with no regard and then turns around like nothing happens and expects you to do the same.
@@annab1660Wow! I’m so sorry. Thank you for telling us your experience because I totally relate to the behaviour you describe here. It really helps everyone to know these events although isolating and traumatizing, did not happen in total isolation. This is relatable to many, and FINALLY this conversation is finally seeing the light of day. I really wish you all the best! 🌺
The daughter is a source of competition & envy, the sons can bully the daughter throughout her life. The toxic situation is extended to grand children, keep your children safe
S we should keep our chldrn safe in such famlies, Also othrs may learn toxic behavior,
Yeah, my mom was a narcissistic and is a narcissistic grandmother to my daughter. Now to my sons, she’s perfectly fine.
@@maisiejadwiga They love man and hate women.
They will listen to, and pedestalize, men who are sexual abusers, perverts, toxic a××holes, just because they are men....and they will hate good, careing, sensible minded women,... just because they are women.
They hate themselves deep down and I have no sympathy for them. They are constantly creating toxic and abusive environments everywhere they go.
She has enough empathy to keep you around when she gets older and needs you.
I watched this crying. Thank you for the validation. It means so much, to be understood.
This is the closest description I’ve come across that describes my relationship with my mother.
Daughter of narcissistic mother doesn't "...have the right to exist."
This whole video is so true.
Absolutely describes the first 30 years of my life. My education and chances of going to college were thwarted. Even after marriage I would have a panic attack when the phone rang. I had to move 100 miles away. But even with that I only got peace when I went 'no contact'. There was huge guilt about that at the time, but I believe it saved my life. No amount of counselling helped as I think the therapists thought I was exaggerating. They couldn't get their heads around the level of wickedness involved. Thank you for your insight. There is hope. I rarely look back now.
Any tips for managing guilt? I’m planning on going no contact but i feel so guilty
@maytemmz25 I'm going through the same thing with the guilt. The only thing to remember is that your mother has no regrets. She probably projects perfection and acts like a victim instead. That's what I focus on. It seems to help.
@@maytemmz25 watching videos on this topic often helps with overcoming the guilt. It serves as reminders of who they really are
@@miazonthanks for sharing, that’s spot on for me regarding your brief analysis & coping mechanism. If I could I’d tattoo it to my brain so I never try to think that she’s actually trying to change or being remourseful.
This describes My Mother close to perfect. I have no idea how in the world I was able to heal and love myself. By the grace of God. My Mother could be cruel and I was the scapegoat in a family of 5 w one brother the “golden child” . Ironically I’m the healthiest among my siblings and the one that got treated the poorest . I had the courage to believe in myself and fought back so I don’t see myself as a victim. I wish we had this information available years ago. Thank you ! I wish everyone love and light. Don’t let anyone take your power away ❤️.
Going no contact with my mother at 29yrs after spending years trying to build and heal my relationship with her. I’ll be sharing my journey on my channel
This behavior by the narc mother IS child abuse 😢!!!
How is society allowing this? Without intervention, these children are being wounded day in and day out! As a society, we must open the doors to this silent trauma perpetrated upon our children! It’s overwhelming…so where do we begin?
It is important for everyone to understand each and every one of us can be a little narcissistic at times. That is normal.
Perhaps a day using poor judgment, but that is not what Darren is talking about.
This is an everyday way of life in which there is no satisfying the narcissistic parent.
The next grand event that must go off seamlessly, or you will be blamed for being so imperfect.
Everything is a one up!
You are not responsible for the building of anyone's self-esteem, nor should you allow anyone to destroy yours.
There is no winning in situations like this.
Learning to say NO, no more is your best defense.
Described me and my “mother’s relationship perfectly.
Both my folks were young, ignorant, damaged, narcissistic people, from damaged multi generational narcissistic families. He was overt, she passive aggressive and much more dominant. They followed the narcissistic patterns so well.
They hated and denied aging, which got worse as they aged. And they hated us growing up, changing with simple biological maturation.
One thing was that as I grew to 15, 16, I looked more and more like mom. I did not get overt sexual abuse. That's the one thing they missed. But my young womanhood, and pop's reaction to that, really made her mad. It affected every single thing.
I cannot describe this. But it is hell.
Wow! You described my life. Now, at 50, I’m going no contact with my NM and ‘abusive golden child brother’. My ‘passive father’ died 9 months ago so I no longer need the other two in my life... It still hurts so much. I’m hoping to heal and I already have broken the cycle with my own child. I embody the opposite from how I was parented.
Thank you for sharing and I’m glad you found the video helpful
I’ve been no contact with my whole family since 21
I am 57 and our situations are total mirrors.
@@gigidayz6936I’m 55 feeling the same can we talk?
Your points are always so valid. I'm always tempted to list an example for each part you cover. But I will leave two examples. The first is I felt responsible for my mom's happiness since I was a small child. My first memory was worry. I remember being worried about my mom. My mom told me I was a very quiet baby, and sometimes I feel like I trained myself to cause my mom less stress. Once I reached middle school and could compare my mom's behavior to other healthy women in her age group I started to view my mom differently. I no longer felt she needed the constant saving. I observed her instigating fights with my father. There was never any kindness or forgiveness. She was the only one allowed to feel emotions and me my siblings walked on egg shells around her. Once I figured her out and became a teenager she started treating me differently. I started being independent and doing normal things kids my age did and was separating myself from my parents. I was growing up. My mom saw this as a threat. She had grown accustomed to me being so attuned to her needs. She started saying things to me when I was around 12 years old of "you used to be so nice, what happened to you". Eventually when I became a young woman I didn't know my mom competed with me. By that stage her emotional abuse and gaslighting was so intense that I felt worthless. Why would anyone compete with someone they think are worthless. I didn't know my innate qualities were what was my mom was threatened by. She tried very hard to kill that spark, for a while it worked in my 20s. But she failed to extinguish the flame I hid so well.
Thank you got your kind feedback, and even more so for sharing your experience. I hope you are in a better place today
@@DarrenFMagee I am in a better place, or on the road. I went no contact last year. Resources like the one you provide via this channel and reading books about childhood neglect have allowed me to heal properly. I was stuck in the ruminating and defensive mode and didn't give myself time to heal. I see glimpses of my personality coming back. Being numb for many years was unhealthy. Thank you again for understanding this subject and giving people tools and answers of the emotional abuse they might have experienced since childhood.
@@taniabluebell3099 I hope you are proud of the progress you are making 💕, no contact gave me a great feeling of relief
Thank you
@@taniabluebell3099 your story resonates so much with me thankyou so much for opening up . reading your story made me feel much less alone in facing things with my mother. I went no contact at 22 / 23 and didn’t speak to her again until last year at 28 i thought i had done enough healing to forgive her and hopefully move on but it seems like once she’s not in control or validated or gets too comfortable the cycle just slowly starts all over again. Her having my contact information now makes me uncomfortable and sadly i’ll be resuming no contact yet again. If there’s any books you recommend i’d greatly appreciate it and i hope your journey of healing continues on. you sound so very strong !
My brothers think I was spoiled. They don't understand I just had a different kind of punishment.
My mother is a malignant narc and the scapegoat of her very abusive narc father (he was a pedophile). I am the scapegoat and she told me when I was 12 that she hopes I suffer like she did. Pure evil.
I believe my father is a covert narc and enabler. His parents never showed him any affection, no hugs, nothing. He was never abusive like my mum, but emotionally unavailable, no affection or anything from him. Completely emotionless. Once beat our dog with an iron bar as he bit him to protect me. So horrible.
Your story is both heartbreaking yet familiar. Thank you for sharing and I hope you’re in a better place today
That one is spot on in the first part of the video. Narcissistic women seek out passive, agreeable men who are basically simps and usually avoid necessary confrontation. This was my marriage. As soon as my wife realized I was not passive enough to manipulate and I had my boundaries, she pushed me towards ending my marriage and now spends the majority of the time in between our daughter. Narcissistic mothers see their daughters as objects of use and social status, and ultimately never want them to achieve a sense of autonomy. I fear for her everyday and do my best to help her form resilient character, and hopefully not fall into her mother's trap.
I know of a case with a narcissistic mother and a daughter that grew up to be a narcissist herself, a covert one, a perpetual victim that sooner rather than later becomes a cruel agressor.
This was my life. I ran away from my parents home 2 years ago. I am still in collegue and it is really hard to finance myself but I will make it.
The hardest lessons I had to learn where to let go of my mother, to accept and understand that she’s got no empathy and no conscience. She doesn‘t love me, a part of her hates me. Anf I had to find myself again, to trust myself again and to trust people again. But I‘m doing great at the moment. In one and a half year I‘ll be a primary school teacher. My boyfriend, who was my best friend before we got together, is by my side and believes in me and loves me deeply.
The only thing that I‘m still struugling with is the relationship with my passiv Dad and my Brother who is the golden child. I miss them and I think there could be some hope left. But I am not sure, I could also choose to let them go, but I don‘t want to give up on them jet.
If someone who suffers reads this: keep your head up. There is strength in you, you are a good person, don‘t give up, there is good love for you too out there. Just never go back.
keep up the good work❤you are not alone same like you here waht makes me depressed sometimes is that i am part of this terrible person or I share dna with her it makes me disgusted I hate my self I hate some ofmy facial features because it is like her I pray tobe dead soon and to have another life and get to have a mother
@@amalalsaied4516
Hello my friend. I don‘t know if this can help you, but in my studies to become a teacher we‘ve learned about how your ‚genetics‘, your ‚childhood’ and your ‚environment’ shape you to the person you are. And yes, your DNA is a factor, but it is really not as big as you think.
And even if your upbringin was messed up, in the end, it‘s all about what you make of it. Because you can look back and see, what they did to you and you know, that it was wrong. And you can act different.
They don‘t decide who you are, only you.
What you can also keep in mind: You‘ve not just been raised by your parents. The factor ‚environment‘ consists not just of the home you grew up or the country or stuff like that. It also includes neighbours, friends, teachers and many more. Even the books you‘ve read, the kind of movies you watched or the hobbies you had as a child are part of the environment.
The way you become who you are is not defined by your parents.
When I struggled with the DNA-dilemma, I found peace with this thought:
My mother had a very bad childhood too. Her mother (my grandmother) was very violent and evil. - So the crazyness goes back generations in our DNA.
I think what happend to my mother in her childhood broke something in her when she was very small.
If it hadn‘t messed her up so badly, perhaps she would have been a different person today. A loving mom and wife perhaps. - Whataboutism I guess.
But with this perspective the evil is not simply in the DNA. Your environment and your upbringing are far more important.
You are you. Your face is yours, your mind is yours, your body is yours.
I know that is easy to write or say, but keep it in your mind, close to your heart.
And this part of you, that hates yourself: perhaps that‘s what‘s left of your bad parents. Their voices who always told you, that you‘re not worth of love. But it‘s a lie, it‘s their lies in your head.
Tell yourself that, if you have these horrible feelings: „These are not my thoughts, it is what my parents said, but it is not true, it is not real!“
You are going to be fine. Don‘t be to hard on yourself, okay? To love yourself you have to give yourself patience and warm words or thoughts. Keep yourself warm, be kind to yourself, be proud on that child inside of you, all this time it was so strong.
Your life is not lost. You had a bad start in this life. But it is not all over.
Most people have kind parents. We didn‘t. But that‘s okay, because we don‘t need them. We are strong, they tried to crush you, but you are still there. Be proud on that. I have deep respect for you. The pain is bad, but you live with it every day. This deserves respect. Respect yourself
@@dreamyoryournightmare1123 Thank you ❤I took a screenshot to read this whenever I feel bad
@@dreamyoryournightmare1123 thank you for your wise comment. God bless you.
@@amalalsaied4516 same here!
Wow! This was spot on for the relationship between my mother and I. Listening to this made me cry because I there was an exact situation (or many) that applied to me. I’ve struggled my whole life trying to have self-worth and have tried to end my own life more than once, even as a child. Now that I have two daughters of my own, I am their biggest cheerleader and try to be the mother I needed for my girls. Basically, I use my childhood as a guidebook of what NOT to do with my children.
Thank you! Finally someone shares my opinion.. I’m a daughter of a CN who was only one of the problems. I’m a mother and it’s pretty dam easy to be a better one. Do what you wanted and needed your parents to do, and not what hurt you! Duh. Homer Simpson managed that much
as a daughter of a narcissistic mother and wife to a narcissistic husband, I can totally relate to your comments. The silent treatment and violence are especially common. Fortunately, I was able to escape both relationships, although much too late.
I'm glad my mom was busy and distant rather than present and degrading all the time
Omg!!! This is EXACTLY what I went through with my narcissistic mother and passive father🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️.
One of the best youtube videos on this relationship I have seen. You described my mother perfectly. I hope you would do more of them. Specifically on recovery.
Wow spot on. My mother flirted with my exes who were narcs themselves.
This was my life growing up. There are no words that can describe the insults and humiliations I suffered on an almost daily basis. I left home at age 19 after continued insults lasting hours. I stayed away for 6 years until my oldest child was born. I reconnected with my mother at my husband's insistence. Both us regretted that decision. At one point, I moved to the same town as my mother because I wanted her to get know her grandchildren. Big mistake. Not only did she insult and humiliate me, but she did the same to my husband and children. So we moved far away. My children refused to have anything to do with her. I would talk to her once in a while. Every time I visited her, it would take a week to decompress once I returned home. I thought all this ended when she passed inn 2017. However, recent events have shown me that my younger brother and sister have taken up the mantle.
I lived this life. Finally tired of all the lies and she was able to destroyed my reputation. I was a sensitive child and she was able to make me cry. She had that evil smile that always made me afraid. It was a nightmare that finally ended when I left with nothing. She is still in my head and I can still hear her cruel comments. Never go back and I never did. Brothers don't want anything to do with me. They are now strangers to me. So sad.
My mother died and my sister took her place as the grand narc. And my dad (who did my moms bidding) became my sisters flying monkey.
My brother and i have no contact w either
The only way to deal with a malignant tumor is to cut it out.
Exactly younger sister is 🤬 obliged to get no contact but she succeeds in others ways (money money money her goal) she raises in me all the unfairfulnessl feelings, bitterness, insultes, etc, which I thought I had but behind me before and after when my mam passed...I'm just fed up with all that.
My mother made social media accounts, email addresses, and used my phone to send texts to people pretending to be me. I remember I didn’t find out about the fake Facebook account she made using my name and photo (she even wrote a bio in the about me section), for 4 months. I was 15 and she was writing to my 26-year old cousin and his friends pretending to be me, and when I caught her, she gaslit me so much claiming that “people like you better when it’s me typing to them”. ….She texted my high school boyfriends from my phone all the time pretending to be me, she hacked my AIM (remember aim? Lol) when I was 13/14 yrs old to write to 14/15/16 year old boys pretending to be me, and said some of the most embarrassing things, making s&m jokes thinking she was so funny and the worst part was that I was so used to her doing these things, I didn’t even get angry at her (I was only just newly 14- I didn’t know how sick she was at 44yo doing this to me). Then, I was physically attacked by this boy’s gf and her friends in school bc the gf was angry I was flirting with her bf (obviously, it was my mom but I never said anything).
This went on and on…she signed onto my MySpace (yes, pre-fb/insta/twitter) and wrote things to offend these girls who jumped me and I was SUSPENDED from school for what she wrote (still, I protected her reputation and never told anyone it wasn’t actually me bc she had me convinced she was the only person on my side- now I see she was the catalyst to ALL of my social dramas/problems).
These behaviors continued into my college years. She tried to live her every unfulfilled desire through me and made me feel guilty and shameful for every independent decision I ever tried to make outside of her “guidance” (god forbid she ever saw me as an actual person and not her show pony to parade around- i was a huge perfectionist/overachiever/mommy pleaser my entire childhood/adolescence)
… And she did a number on me: distorted sense of self, inability to trust my own decision making skills, and the constantly carrying around this enormous guilt that I ruined her life/put her through hell/ owe her for everything she had to put up with from me until I finally realized (at 30-years old) that I was just being a normal teenager and she just couldn’t handle me forming my own independent identity outside of her. “If I knew how horrible motherhood was going to be, i never would’ve had you *crocodile tears*”
To my mother, my sole purpose has and always will be, to do everything she never could do herself without any regard for my own happiness and stability, just so she could flaunt my achievements around as though it was all HER hard work and dedication that made it possible- for others to praise her for being “such a great mother”. 🙄
I am relieved today that I have begun to discover my own path and stay true to doing what is best for me, for my marriage, and for my 3 incredible daughters. ❤️The best thing I ever did was learn to speak a different language, marry someone from another country, start our own family and forge our own path without any consideration (good,bad, or indifferent) of how my mother thinks/feels about my life. (Plus it helps she literally can’t communicate with my husband or his family due to the language barrier lol 😂 my husband thinks she’s totally insane, though). Today I have happiness, love, stability, and peace, and I am blessed to have 3 girls of my own (1y, 3y, and 6y) whom I only want to respect and support as each develops her own pathway.
I think I have learned that the best we can do as parents is to provide our children with a structure/foundation to help them learn while they’re younger, all the while maintaining the understanding (and respect) that they are their own people who will make their own decisions (and mistakes! Lol), and as long as they are healthy and happy, then that is what is truly best for them.
Thank you for your videos and education on such an overlooked topic. I pray for other children of narcissistic parents to find healthy and stable lives in their healing as well. ❤️🙏
I cried through this entire video. It is my life. I went no contact with her 2.5 years ago at 43 years old. It just got worse and worse as we got older, to the point of unbearable. I was the scapegoat and believe I'm a quiet borderline due to this sick relationship with my mother. But my GC brother is even worse off. At 44 he STILL lives with her. No job, completely delusional, thinks he's God's gift to women (umm he lives in moms garage and has 2 kids he gave up but sees himself as #1 dad). She was married 4 times by the time I was 28. After the last divorce 15 years ago, she put GC into the "husband" roll. I think he is now a grandiose narcissist, by her side. Its all so fascinating, yet sick at the same time.
The past couple days I've been thinking about how the delusional and fantasy world of narcissists and people with personality disorders is a significant aspect to what is going on. My father is a very lonely person from what I can tell and he is in total denial of it. I think my parents also imposed a bit of isolation on me as a kid growing up. It was very common for my father to not go out much, not engage in any activities. There was always some kind of excuse usually revolving around money. The thing is, as an adult I have seen single parents who don't have a lot of money YET, big YET, they still manage to live a life and make the most of what they have. My parents did not make the most of what they had because they were miserly and depriving. There was a feeling of poverty that exceeded their poorness. Some people say they were poor but they felt rich in the sense that some people still have good family bonds, have fun, make the most of it. My parents had a poverty of soul, they were emotionally blind and stunted. Both of my parents failed to recognize me as an individual and I suppose in that way they can also neglect their children as they don't think the child matters. I never did any after school sports or activities, it wasn't something my parents ever considered. I didn't have a bike, a friend of my family out of the blue bought one for me, I didn't even ask for it... and then my father protested the gift acting like it was too much. Really, is it too much to buy a kid a bike? ... and now I am estranged from my father, he tries to text me out of the blue very random stuff to which I try to politely tell him I'm not interested, then he continues doing the same thing, ignoring me until I bluntly send him a message that he doesn't like, he doesn't reply "I understand" or anything like that, he retreats into his covert narcissist victimhood and gives me the silent treatment, he has basically struck up the same patterns of behavior via text messaging even though I've not seen him in twenty years, he tries to do the same bullshit, ignoring my thoughts and my words in favor of him playing is stupid games... at least it's only on text
❤💔❤💔❤💔
My younger brother attacked me I was 8 months pregnant at that time and my younger brother pushed me to the floor and kicked me so I called the police on him and he was arrested. My mother came back the next day and she was told what happened, my mother showed no care but instead she walked upstairs and locked herself in her room and went to sleep. I was expecting her to check if I was okay or if the baby was OK but nope she didn't and she went and bailed her son out of jail and never spoke about it. I had to move out because it came to the point my life and my unborn child was in danger. When I left and got my own place, my mother sent my younger brother again to come attack me in my home for leaving as I was the scapegoat and because I left for my own safety my family saw this as a problem. I got him arrested again and this time took him to court and put boundaries with him because I was assaulted by him twice and my mother again bailed him out and she didn't check on I and my child. That's when I said enough is enough and now pregnant with my second child she criticised my pregnancy and the relationship I had and me being a mother to my kids too. I had enough of her abuse and cut her off for good and told her even if she passed away I won't attend her funeral because even in her grave she'll still be abusive. She has gotten worse as she's getting older and she thinks I owe her or I should put her as a priority. I told her I've had enough of her abuse and also because she attacked me with her words during my vulnerable time and didn't apologise. I cut her off for good this time and won't be going back and my boundaries are up with her.
My narc ex GF turned her daughter into anorexia. Always trying to please her mom who was impossible to please and would never give her a shred of validation. A senseless toxic dynamic I always tried to stay out of. I was treated in much the same way but escaped after many bouts of anxiety. She had zero empathy and always withheld validation. Once the hurtful remarks and sabotage started I bailed. Grey rock. That relationship was like walking through the forest surrounding Chernobyl, a toxic wasteland.
In my case, I realised that my mother I was mymother’s “competition " and she was full of envy and hatred against me when I was 40, during therapy. I was utterly distraught. I had spent my life thinking “if I do something amazing, she will love me”. The realisation that she had spent her life sabotaging me and waiting to see me in a ditch… and I still hanged about for another five years to let her con me, sell my flat and keep all the money. I didn’t have the emotional strength to sue her because “she is my mother”. I have finally cut all communication with her. The problem with her is that everyone knew she was a monster and her only chance was to move to the other side of the country to build her new life of lies…and I eneabled her for two decades “because she is my mother”. I am so relieved to be free of this horrible woman.
my mother also wasted a substantial amount of my financial resources and of course she has no remorse or concern about how that impacts me
“Because she is my mother”
We see you, and we profoundly understand.
😔
It's a natural and reasonable expectation to feel safe and protected by your mother. When you experience the opposite, it is devastating and you spend your adult life trying to recover or live with complex PTSD. The empath is always the scapegoat and is the most likely to escape a narcissistic family as i did. When the veil lifts and you see the whole truth, i can't even describe the pain, especially when my adult children have been used as pawns to inflict pain on me. I feel like a failure because i didn't see it sooner( or in denial) i can't have that time back to protect my children. The smear campaign, the lies, manipulation. It's pure and utter evil. I am so despised by my family of origin, they want me dead. I knew it in my gut as a child but it takes a lifetime of pain to accept that about( in my case) about both parents. For me, it's very much a spiritual journey. You choose to be a good or a bad person. We all have free will. I went no contact to save my own life. I spent my whole life making excuses for other peoples bad behaviour. I don't do that anymore. Just my view that it's all demonic/ evil energy. Psychiatry has fabricated so many labels, to excuse or explain away a persons appalling behaviour. I was exposed to emotional and physical abuse, neglect etc. I'm deeply empathetic and feel unconditional Love. There is never any excuse for evil behaviour. It's a choice. I learned to set very firm boundaries. There is no way you can get through it without professional help. Its so overwhelming. I love your short videos, you always hit nail on the head! Thank you Darren.
I second your msg, labels are just an excuse for ppl to use to their advantage, we need to raise smart aware, sympathetic, empathetic, caring, emotionally fulfilled healthy children as they are our future.
All of this, I understand ❤️
Thank you for posting this.
You can see me.
I went no contact with my family of origin and left my male partner of 6 years at the same time about a year ago. I have been in therapy and will probably need to continue for a long while, but still the emotions are too heavy for my body at times.
My immune system is still not regulated. I only feel safe when I am alone, and that safety coexists with deep lonliness. 🤘🏾
There is another one. The narcissistic mother is jealous of the daughter and the father. She accuse is the daughter of doing terrible sexual things to the father when she starts puberty. Then the daughter had extreme shame about her body.Thank you for all of this information it is so amazing it is so incredible that you can put this in the words I just can’t tell you thank you for all your help!
Thank you for sharing and for your kind feedback. Glad you find it helpful
When I was 32 , I was diagnosed with a very rare potentially terminal form of cancer, obviously I survived, with NO support at all from any of my huge family of origin. My oncologist was not happy with my lack of family support, he actually noted this in my medical records.
A few months later as I was recovering from surgery to remove cancer, my dad told me that I should be made aware that my mom had sex with my fiancee during one of my hospital stays. My parents were fighting about this in my presence. My mom's infidelity with my fiancee took precedence over my need for my family's love and support
So sorry for what you've been through. Hope you've gone NO contact and are free the physical cancer and emotional cancer (your family.) Hugs from another free survivor.
That is unbelievably messed up. I commend you for keeping your head on through it and coming out the other side. God bless you and may peace always find you
You don't deserve this.Your situation reminds me of the movie Matilda ,on steroids.What your mom did was terrible and your dad's timing of telling you, showed absolutely no concern for your
health and well being. I pray that you
can get far away from them.They don't deserve to be in your life. Please protect your mental health by limiting your contact with them.This is not the actions of healthy loving parents. Do all you can to heal
your inter wounds inflicted by
the inability of parents to love and cherish you. Be blessed and healthy. Jesus has a wonderful plan for your life.Ask Him to help & guide you from pain to peace & joy.
❤🙏❤❤
Thanks to everyone that read my post and took the time to send me love and well wishes. I've learned to embrace and cherish the kindness from wonderful people like ya'll that God has sent my way to let me know just how loved I am. It took years for me to accept the fact that my family of origin doesn't have the capacity to love anyone. After years of intense therapy I learned how to choose a new family that loves me, supports me and cares for me the way my family of origin never could. After I let go of being bitter, I slowly became better . At age 62 I have learned how to be a friend and how to give and receive love from healthy people like ya'll. May God bless you & yours 🙏❤️
My mom even let our maid bully me, and laughed with her. Emotional healing from abuse is hard.
I gave up on trying to heal. Scar tissue cannot be made new or useful again.
I would love to hear someone do a video on being the ONLY child of a single narcissistic mother. It. Was. Hell. It was just me and her. I was a mistake according to her. There were a slew of boyfriends and even a short-lived marriage. But most of the time, there was no one else to even distract her.
There IS another tactic. Mine undermined and bullied me at home but praised me at church to get the credit for my accomplishments of good grades she beat me to get. It was the only time I heard her say she was proud of me. I never took it seriously. She tried to insist I stay with my abusive husband because she did not want the stigma of a divorced daughter. Neither of my sisters was married or had children. My health was not only neglected but sabotaged. Unless it was obvious to others and threatened her reputation at church. She finally started to pay regularly for glasses when a brilliant teacher offered to have social services help pay for them and she was panicked the church would hear of it. Oddly my dad was also a narcissist. Mom took bruises and abuse from him and insisted I take it too to protect my little sisters.
My mother to a tee! I left home at 17 , left the country at 21 . Got a great therapist to sort the damage out, long hard road but so worth it . Now have very firm boundaries and in place and have contact only when necessary . Even then I keep to topics necessary or totally bland like the weather , I divulge no personal information
Narctc parents do not love children truly, they r only half parents. True parents not only provide food ,shelter and clothing. but love and affection
Thank you for uploading this video. This is 100% how I grew up. Almost word for word, situations and feelings I’ve had my whole life. My mom would give me a dirty look whenever I was in public and said something she didn’t like especially if I was getting attention.
Thank you for the video. You described my mother. It was always my fault for her not having a successful career, for having varicose veins after giving birth to me, for gaining weight, for not having her “own life”, even after I left home at 16 y/o and moved to another country she still blames me for everything 14 years later. She is always a victim. She used to always give me a silent treatment for everything. In my early teenager years I really wanted to get a haircut and my aunt gave me money for my birthday, and I was so excited to have a nice haircut, and my mum didn’t like the idea. After I had a haircut she didn’t talk to me for days and then kept saying how horrible I looked. And it was just a small example. All my childhood was like that. I was a good girl and anything I would do differently from her wanting she would stop talking to me, wouldn’t even look at me. I always felt as a burden, I even wanted to end my life. I felt that my mum has this horrible life because of me and if I die, she will be finally happy. My dad is a narcissist as well, but more overt, so I didn’t have much fun in my childhood. Leaving home and staring college early in another country saved my life.
narcissist mothers definitely don't like children, and no it's not fun to have narcissist parents
You and I had the same life. I still don't feel good enough and I'm 72! They really do a number on us.
I can feel the jealousy from my narcissistic mom and I am a bit confident but I try to tone the way I look down so she can feel better about herself and not put me down so much… I’m not realising that she will never stop feeling intimidated and jealous of me so I am never being less of myself just to make her comfortable
Ugh...this sums up my life experience of family of origin. Hard to listen to, as i knew my siblings were horrendously narcissitic, but i couldnt face it about the mother. She just had them all do her dirty work, spread lies and gossip etc and join in, i didnt want to fully admit it to myself. Thank you, its good to just accept it.
Yup! Took me YEARS to figure that out! To SERIOUSLY just KNOW it!
My mother to a tee. She’s 83 now still the same. She blames me for everything in her life. She tried to mold me to what she wanted to be my whole life. I’m a stubborn Taurus. She did damage to me and still does. I was. Ever allowed to be my own person even as a child. I had no individuality. I was her toy doll. I wasn’t allowed to be me. Whoever that was. If your still young and reading this… cut all ties as soon as possible. NEVER GO BACK. They don’t change.
Don't get me wrong as evil as my mother could be I really miss her because 75% of the time she would cook for me, hug me, love me, pray for me, and really could have won an award for top parent but the abuse ruined and wiped out all the goodness. May God bless us all!
I ended up feeling so guilty that I was the problem. It is so confusing when mom does nice things but you realize one day long after leaving the nest that you were not loved. You are destroyed as a person. I know what Darren meant when he said mom never has to say anything negative and can destroy the child with a look.
I feel I was born with the job to look after my mother. She lost both her parents while still young and then my father was drowned when I was 13 so to make it harder I have since had survivor guilt. I was caught and still am between feelings of anger and then feeling guilty about not being able to really forgive. When I look back I realize I was being trained, first by physical punishment and then when I got too old by verbal. Sometimes I still hear her voice. I wish I had access to all the information I have now.
I just feel compelled to say, I'm so sorry you went through this. It sounds incredibly difficult, and narcissistic parents alone without such tragedy are already difficult enough. Keep going strong, we are rooting for you.
Thanks for uploading this
You’re welcome
The only thing you mentioned that my mother didn’t do was dress like me and flirt with my boyfriend. Everything else was spot on. I was 53 years old before I truly begin to grasp the reality of our relationship. Throughout my life, I made terrible choices to prove that I was unlovable. Praise God, I’m now married to a wonderful man who’s helped me work through these things, doesn’t try to control me at all, does not let me control him, reinforces that I am lovable, that I’m not who my mother says I am.
But in leaving I 100% did the right thing as a diseased, abused, undeveloped, trapped, isolated. One of the worst things is that everyone says I look exactly like my mother which makes me so angry, disgusted, upset and even all the hairstyle changes, makeup techniques and clothing style, and going to the gym never helped!
Surgery is not an option. I was bullied much worse by outsiders but I still couldn't deal with teh abuse. In the rare times I achieved somethign good such as being chosen for opportunities, she would always put me down, hit me, call me rude and for god knows whatever reason she even said she feels jealous even though there is nothing to be jealous of.
And she would embarass me outside in the town centre. She would shout, scream. swear and play up outside and then tell people ,strangers, personal things like my skin diseases, my age, my failures. I hate my whole family! All my belongings are still at the house with no way to retrieve and I've learnt the hard way that police are not to be trusted . I walked out for the 2nd time in my late 20s but I am still not free nor healed nor ok at all though!
Yes, this was my life. Didn't know how to think for myself, and had no sense of self. Denied an education beyond secondary school etc.,
Very good video, spot on for a lot of it. Everything that went wrong for my Mother was always my fault and I was always blamed. I am an only child and my late Father left my Mother when I was only 5 years old. He was very quiet and also got bullied and physically attacked by her. I had to live with her on my own, until I left home at 18 yrs old. So I had no support until my now Husband rescued me and I left her house to move in with him. I am 49 yrs old now and my Mother is 78 yrs old. She has never stopped criticising me and complaining and telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing. I don’t take any notice of her and don’t do what she tells me, but she still thinks I am her puppet and talks to me as if I am her and not myself. I openly disagree with her but it never stops her.
I always said my step-mother had a "certain look" she would give that could have been used by the military to take down war planes.
4:40 You said the mother deny any form of self-will from her daughter and decides everything for her. I struggle today, decades after this kind of abuse, because I still don't know what I really want. If it's something my mother agreed, I feel like this choice is not mine. If it's something she dislikes, I feel like I made the choice just to rebell, not because of a real will. Now I went no contact 10 years ago, there are some subjects I can't have her opinion, so I'm sure my choice is really mine (dubstep music, Game of thrones serie...) But I still can't make up my mind on many subjects (hairstyle, lentgh of a skirt, colors that suits me...). How can I decide freely, without the memories of her criticism?
Thanks for sharing. My mother expected me to call her daily and tell her every detail of my life and send her pictures, so later she can criticize my hair, clothing, shoes, etc…
I went no contact 1 year ago, resumed contact for very short time and again no contact.
Therapy helped a lot
Hairstyle and clothes don't really seem all that important in the grand scheme of life. When I realized I can trim my own hair during the pandemic I continued to do it. For my clothes I just try to wear clean and comfortable clothes because I'm not putting on a show for other people. I know that the fabric I wear is not who I am. I just don't put that much significance into keeping up appearances, in part because I'd rather see through the world's veneers.
My ability to have a healthy long term relationship is destroyed by my narcisstic mother. He is describing my mother 100%. Being the victim of that kind of mother has to be one of the most unlucky situation to be borned into. My ability to have a fulfilling life is forever destroyed. It destroys your sense of self. I need to find a support group of daughters with a narcissistic mother.
After years of self work I finally understood my mother was highly narcissistic and was very much abused and neglected as a child. I can relate to all you say in this video, sadly! Now, I came to a place where I no longer want to get involved in her abusive patterns. I do not talk with her much and we rarely see each other. I live at 5 hr plane from her but you are right the wanting to be loved by our mother never goes away. I still wish I could connect with her and this need to connect with her is always there. As hurtful
as she has been, I do not want to abandon her. She is now 72. How do deal with this i.e not accepting bad treatment anymore and at the same time not abandonming her? Eventhough she can't never received the love I give her. Now that have healed alot, I have compassion for her as I understand where her behaviour come from. Bit, I can't help her .That is the saddest. All I would want is for her to experience some joy and love before she leaves this earth.
I have forgiven her but I am no longer willing to be part of abusive patterns. Unless she meet me half way in the love frequency than we can no longer meet each other.
I could provide numerous examples of every point in this video. This was my life until I went no contact 25 years ago. Recently, my mother was admitted to a care home (she's 95) and apart from my brother (the golden child), she has no visitors because she alienated every friend and family member that she had. I moved 200 miles away with no forwarding address, my brother eventually moved 150 miles away and my father who suffered a lifetime of her abuse and eventually divorced her is dead. My brother travels about once a month to see her but probably in expectation of what he'll inherit - she turned him into a narcissist too. I feel nothing about this apart from sadness that I can't feel anything. I never had a mother - I had an incubator, a jailer and an abuser but never a mother.
Everything you said is spot on.
Omg, yes, 100%. Could write quite a long list of examples, from having a horrible nightmare at 5 that my loving mother turned into a witch (later as an adult I realized that was actually true), destroying my relationship with my grandparents, trying to control & ruin my wedding by saying terrible things about me to my friends, to telling me in all sincerity a few years ago my husband was having an affair. Those things sound a bit light (my husband? Lol, no) but they were meant as cruelty and twisted the knife.
Interestingly my mother was a therapist, and yes still very much a horrible narcissist. She’s also had some kind of paranoid disorder for at least 25 years, maybe 40,. Now she’s 82 and barely able to care for herself, and can’t admit it. She spends a lot of time making nasty phone calls to people who have been trying to help her.
I’m an only child, and so glad my parents divorced when I was 2, so I had another, imperfect but much saner, family including 2 younger brothers, who always loved me, and an ineffectual but incredibly loving adorable father. Thank god for them, because while I wasn’t ever physically abused, except by some very serious and lasting physical neglect, she has always had an amazing way of being publicly wonderful and personally, psychologically, manipulative, cruel, and absolutely crazy-making.
I’ve learned so much over the years (I’m 58) and had some support along the way to be able to see her more clearly over time. An old boyfriend of hers, whom I adored, told me in my 20s that he moved out when I was 12 because he couldn’t stand how she treated me. She would basically make up problems for me to have, so she could “fix” them.
I can’t imagine how much more broken I would be now without some support along the way. The loss of so much that could have been, and the hurt that I suffered seems such a waste, but with therapy, good friends and family and a job I actually love (yep a helping profession) I’m doing pretty well today. I hope with all the enlightenment around this so hidden mental illness that more people can recognize the problem and befriend children in need.
Lol, I did write a novel, didn’t mean to!! ❤️
07:30 daughter becoming hyper- vigilant
I'm adopted, so the positive is I don't have her genes😅 I was supposed to feel grateful for it, like anyone else but an adoptee can ever understand the emptiness and aloneness that can make you feel. She used that wound against me. When I got bullied at school she said "maybe it's you there's something wrong with", who says that to a child in elementary school? I had a great dad which she was jealous of it seemed, it's so weird to think about. After many years i realised what she's done did so much more damage that what happened at school, I had protected myself from seeing the truth.
I was hoping my whole life she would see me one day and love me. Instead I was getting unending criticism and neglect. When I had my firstborn at 26, I hoped she would at least see and love him. But she started criticizing and mocking my baby just the same. I cut her out from my life and from my heart for good. I’m so glad my children, now two of them, will never meet their “granny” and get hurt by her.
Honestly, being one of the 3 siblings, our roles changes depending on availability (when one moves outà), stages in our lives. They just uses us to supply their narcissistic self. I was the golden child until I became a teen, and then I became the scapegoat. My sisters also rotated roles. But being able to understand how each role serves the narcs were very illuminating.
I don't feel that I will ever really be able to breathe until she is dead. So many people in my former life took their turn to violate my mind and body, but she was the first and was the last.
I know the best thing I can do for myself and the most evil thing I can do to those people is keep working to get better, but I don't see really reaching peace until she is gone.
She is no mother to me and never was.
I felt all of this. My mother even no at 78 needs to make sure I know my place and that she is the mother. She never misses an opportunity to take a jab. Since I was a child she always told me, ho your father will listen to you and not me, or she says you're the queen of the household. My mom admitted to intentionally meddling in my relationship with my sibling. All my life my mother has called me mean because I didn't want to hear her go on an on about my dad and his cheating. She blamed me for not being easy to talk to. My mom tells everyone my business. I never realized how much this impacted me. I ended up isolating al ot because I thought I was the problem. Now I am angry and resentful frankly, that my mom made me think since I was the child that it was all my fault why we couldn't communicate. When I think of all the time I lost isolating myself thinking I was broken... It makes my blood boil.
Another video which has me in tears when I've just realised it's me he's talking about. Mother thought she knew everything about everything. Undermining is a massive part. Where do I begin ? I can't get back all those missing years of my life that she stole from me. I haven't any way to get them back. I recall my mother talking about other people, expressing empathy for them. It always felt like a slap in my face. She divided and conquered, by speaking to my siblings about me, telling them lies. About me, giving each of them money to help them out, and always telling me when, who and how much. I could never understand why she never offered me a helping hand financially. I was a single mother, one son, and life could be difficult at times, even though I worked full time. It would have felt impossible for me to ask for a helping hand, as I knew she would talk about me, disparaging me to my siblings. If they only knew how much I knew about their finances, and their circumstances at any given point, I could not bring myself to ask.
This is so true. Apart from my mum was utterly disappointed that she ended up having 3 girls. She hated us like no other. Everything I tried to do she would do it, hated my friends, boyfriends. I'm sure my traumatic childhood has contributed to most if not all of the reason I have BPD.
Wow, this is a perfect description of what I went through. I was one of those children whose mother encouraged the two brothers to disrespect me through many covert means, mostly by example. My mother mocked everything I said and did regularly. The brothers learned from her that I was not worthy of respect and did the same thing she did. I am 70 years old in September and to this day my brothers mock, demean and ignore me whenever I am in company with them. They must have shared their views with their spouses because even the spouses who never knew me began the same treatment of me when they married my brothers. It is amazing how far-reaching the leading narcissist taught by example that the daughter is not worthy of respect and kindness. My mother used to say mean things like: "your father loves you better than me", when I was only about six years old. What is the daughter of such a young age to do with that? My mother wanted me to feel bad about having a good relationship with my father. That was my first clue that my mother was jealous of me, working continually to cause me to fail in life. When I didn't fail and became successful in life she ignored my accomplishments as do the brothers also. I have to add here too that my father pretended not to see anything and in later years he began to treat me disrespectfully too as though someone was convincing him of something.
I remember at age 10 my mother and father were having a terrible fight that was causing me to cry bitterly, I went to my brothers bedroom for solice and they said; "get out of here stupid." Then my mother came to my room to tell me all the bad things about my father, he saw it and came to my room to tell all bad things about my mother, each trying to win me to their side. I became hysterical, screaming that they would stop only to have each one blaming the other for causing me to be hysterical, only escalating the problem. No one at any time consoled me, they only used me to fight more bitterly and then told me to get away for screaming for them to stop.
Sadly my mother passed along these same attitudes to my children. Because my mother treated me disrespectfully in front of the children they thought something was wrong with me and they too took on her attitudes toward me. I have asked them what was wrong and they deny they act the way they do. They prefer my husband, as did my extended family, working to make him think something was wrong with me too. He is now on my side as he learned what they were like. He became a Christian and his eyes were opened to their tactics, what great joy it was when he finally saw the truth. Before that the family thought they had convinced him of my inadequacies as a human being, making the mistake of becoming blatantly rude, helping to open his eyes. They thought they could get away with more blatant forms of disrespect when they were convinced my husband would agree with them.
I feel sad for them because all it would take is some love and kindness to have a lovely relationship but their choice was ugliness, splintering the family, no one is close to anyone else in the family, since "one-upmanship" is the goal of everyone in the family, they think it is funny to joke fight all the time. Perhaps they didn't like me because I didn't engage with them, I hated it. I was looking for love instead of praising their attitude of superiority.
I have gone no contact, only seeing the brothers every couple of years at my home, I do not go to their house and I do not go to groups of them. They tend to feed off of each other, my parents are dead but the brothers and their wives continue the same bullying that my mother did. I find it to be wiser to only meet with them on my turf and only one couple at a time, no groups.
disrespect is a big factor in narcissism infused family systems, I've seen this kind of scenario
you have amazing insight, you have perfectly described my miserable life with my mother.
Thank you. Your videos resonate with my own story. Thanks for your insight.
Thank you I’m glad you find them helpful
For the past few years , I’ve watched many videos about NM’s . Yours is the best I’ve ever seen ! I cried during this . I just cant get over how accurate your description is ! Everything you said is exactly what I went through and even more . This video is so validating . I feel like someone actually understands !! God bless you & thank you so much ! I’ve been no contact w/ NM & NB ( golden child ), for 2 years now . Finally free but still trying to move forward in my mind & emotions . My only regret is putting up with them my entire life but all I can do is not dwell on it & move forward .
Let me tell how bad mine was (/is as the trauma never goes away and the time can't be taken back) . She made my elderly father cry at how much she hit me! My dad used to try and push her off me and she would hit him back. But in all fairness they were both as bad as each other as he abused her and she took it out on me!
Wow…😮I just need to show your video if I need to explain my daughter-mother relationship. You have said it all… I have nothing to add 🤷🏽♀️ lol
Sums up my childhood with my Mother
So glad I decided to go no contact 3 years ago
Everything in this video described what I went through with my mother. Now I am free and thanks to God, and Dr. Ramani videos and this video, that it helped people like me to overcome and fight for my own happiness. I did it and you can too ! God Bless You !
This was bone chillingly true. I could think of examples of each point, they think they’re so clever … and yet they’re all the same .
Spot on ....Went NC with my birth mother 8yrs ago... couldn't deal with her behaviour anymore !!
It's devastating...... fucked me up for life. I moved to the other side of the world... and am healing.
Omg nailed 100%. If I had known this years ago things would be totally different. Bro was a golden child. He was a malignant narcissist. If I corrected or stood up for myself he was verbally or physically abusive. There was a wrath from either my narcissistic parents or bro. Only difference is my bro would beat me. My mom blamed me for her weight gain cuz of my birth. They would say no man would love me with my weight. I had no sea why this was happening.
I have the same hate relationship with my mom and it’s sad… I wish she was loving and caring but she’s not and people don’t believe me nor do they understand how I feel when I tell them how she treats me and my brother
Spot on again. Well articulated Darren and much appreciated. I burst out laughing when you said the daughter will dress like her mum. I actually thought this about my ex wife. One day I actually made the mistake of saying to her, "Why do you wear frocks like your mum? You're dressing like an old woman." Her reaction was the Silent treatment for a whole week. To say she was not best pleased is an understatement; but her aversive conditioning with the ST ensured I wouldn't say anything along those lines ever again.
I wonder if my mother was a narcissist or just plain mean and evil. She always acted like she didn't like me and my brother. When I was a child...my dad worked the evening shift...leaving me and brother home alone with her every evening. When he would come home at night I would hear her talking to him telling on us to him trying to get us in trouble. I would go to sleep hearing her say "she" to my dad...(she..she said this...then she did this...then she did that ...then she...she...she...she)...."She" being me. When I hear someone saying "she" under their breath to this day I cringe. Mom would often exaggerate the truth or flat out lie about the things we did to dad. She would say mean demeaning and hurtful things to me. Scream, yell, throw and break things. Slamming me into walls, yelling in my face, slapping me in my face. She would tell me she hated me. One time I called my dad at his work crying after an argument with her...I said .."tell dad you told me you hated me...tell him!"...she just looked at me and wouldn't say a word because she knew what she was saying to me was wrong..but she just kept on and kept on. Later on in adulthood she would lie to my children about me. Say horrible things that weren't true. Insinuated I was crazy and I had issues. Told my children they could seek refuge at her house if I..their mother..ever "got out of hand". When the truth was I never treated my kids like my mom treated me. I actually spoiled them and over did for them so they wouldn't grow up resenting me like I did my own mother because she always put herself first when I was a child. I didn't realize she had been saying these things to my children until my daughter reached her teenage years and began dating an abusive boyfriend. Me and my husband obviously didn't approve of this relationship. My daughter began calling my mother...as a rebellious teen with an obsessive boyfriend..complaining about me and my husband as parents to my mom. Instead of my mom having my back...as we only had her own granddaughters best interest at heart...she began agreeing with my daughter..telling my daughter that me and my husband were treating her bad and actually encouraged my daughter..at 18 years old at the time and straight out of high school...to move out of our house and into a crime ridden apartment while she was a full time student working only part time with basically no income. Luckily we stopped her from doing this..but the betrayal I felt for my mom indescribable. Talking my own child to move out of my house! How could she?. As my daughter got into her college years it was a tumultuous time trying to get our daughter back into our lives, competing with an abusive boyfriend and also competing against my evil mother. To make a long story short...to this day my relationship with my daughter is still strained at times. Even though she is 36 years old and my mother has been dead for nearly 10 years. The scar is still there. But thank God I have her back in my life. This only a condensed version of everything. We went a few years not seeing or speaking to our daughter which totally tore my heart out. But guess who she did see and stay with and spend holidays with during that entire time?...my mother of course. The whole time my mother saying horrible, untrue things about me and my husband to her. Might I add that I had never done anything to my mother to bring this on, I am not saying I am a saint...but I can say I had never did anything wrong or mean or hurtful to my mother...ever! She just chose to treat me this way and I do not know why. How could a mother treat her own child like this? I resent her even in death. Until she took her last breath she continued to manipulate my children into to thinking she was the victim and I was the one in the wrong..I was crazy..and I treated HER wrong. At 55 years old I am still trying to deal with what she has done to me in my life. I guess if I knew she was a narcissist then I could understand her behaviors...not condone it or forgive it...but find a reason for it. If I could find a reason then maybe I could find closure and heal.
Thank you for understanding the reality that is a narcissist mother.
Another great video.
My ex mother in law was a highly entitled lady, she once said “whoever marries my daughter will need to buy me a house “, to which all of her long term partner did including myself. And both of mother and daughter got pregnant to their new partners quick.
I Havenot seen any videos on TH-cam discussing about female narcissist and quick pregnancy.
Thank you for watching and thanks for sharing. I’ll look into the quick pregnancies you mentioned and maybe discuss it in a future video
Watching this video as my mother literally sabotaged my relationship with my boyfriend a few days ago because she “doesn’t like him”
And he “treats me terrible.” Little does she know we’re still together because I’m 21 and can make my own decisions.
Good for you! 💖 its hard, bcoz being raised by narcs, we do often end up in many abusive relationships in our lives, because thats what is familiar to us. But from experience, i can guarentee even if you find a healthy, happy one, a narc family/parent will still try to tear it apart, so you do you and just look after yourself, be careful with your precious heart and know you are worthy of beautiful, kind, loving people surrounding you always x
From the time I was 9 or 10 I would come into the house, unheard by my mother, as she was telling ANYbody that she and my brother were SO much alike & then she would say that I was like my dad, as if she were spitting out the words. When I got a little older, 12, 13, she would tell people that I was "nothing but trouble & she didn't think I would ever amount to ANYTHING". I was the scapegoat for EVERYTHING. I was not tolerated at home, as she & my brother would RACE to the driveway when my dad got home at night and embellish some little thing I did wrong like I was a master criminal so I would get into trouble, while my brother would be out committing actual crimes. When I decided to stay away, I got into trouble for being out all night. I ended up with the underbelly of society so I didn't have to go home! The trash I hung with were better to me than my own mother! When I was a senior in high school, 1978, a man came to my dad's & wanted me to go to a Computer Science tech school that was supported by IBM. He had chosen myself & 2 other boys because we were the smartest ones in school. My dad (he was very good to me), told me he would write the man a check right then, but I couldn't do it...I had been called a failure for years by then. I didn''t go. She nor my brother even graduated from high school. I took ahold of myself & graduated, & even put myself through college twice. A degree in computer science & a Batchelor's degree... in counseling! My brother REALLY hates me now, good for him! My dad died 16 years ago, told me he had "fixed" something for me that they wouldn't be able to get...Damned if she didn't have secret court hearings & lied like a pig, but she cheated me out of more than $75,000! I haven't spoken to either of them for years, have MORE than plenty of $$, more than they, & I LOVE life...WITHOUT them in it!
Darrin, I feel like you had to grow up in my home...EVERYTHING you said was exactly as if you were there watching!
My mother died (in my arms) long before this was sorted out. My big brother was 42-years-old, a thrice married attorney with a young family, and he was still "coming by mom's" every single day. Because none of us had recognized the varying degrees of abuse we suffered, her death felt like the center of the universe had collapsed. The children were the smaller, weeping constellations. After 16 years of therapy, I still couldn't say, "My mother is dead." To that end, I implore those of you who have the chance to take it -- clean up your lives in whatever way feels right. 2) Rid yourself of toxicity; and most of all, learn to trust and love you ; 3) you may find a good, solid partner, at last. Or a great therapist! I can only wish you the very best, always. : o )
My mother hated and abused me. I am so glad my grandparents raised us cause she was extremely unstable and my sister is her golden child she is just as bad they have slandered, fake,greed and they even schemed together and had ne committed and went against me with all my enemies they both are sick had to cut ties. I hope they get spritritual help both are Jezebe Spirits 🙏🙏🙏.
I'm lost for words. my childhood and its effect on me as an adult perfectly expressed in a way I couldn't explain. I am so grateful I came across quantum energy healing, in my 50s I finally healed the pain
Wow, sounds like my ex's mother exactly. She disapproved of me from day 1 without even have spoken with me. Reason? Because she dislikes my race. During my relationship, she actively tried to sabotage it by treating me with very little respect behind my back, aswell in person by blabbing in her own language so I will be excluded from every conversation when I visited their home. Not to forget to mention that throughout the relationship, she tried to push her daughter to replace me for guys she did deem 'worthy'. Her ego seemed to have more importance than seeing her daughter having a major positive influence in her life (as her therapist confirmed). It's obvious she was emotionally abusing her daughter by always criticizing, false hope, and giving her crumbs of affection. So whenever the mother did give her affection, her week would have been made. I guess now I know where my ex got her narcissim from.
Wow you describing my mother & my journey from my earliest memories as a little girl … wow you so knowledgeable & helpful ☮️☮️☮️🧡
What type of background does a therapist need to have to treat a daughter of a narcissistic mother?
That is so about me and my covertly narcissistic mother. She even accused me that her first child (year before my birth!!!) died of MY fault! But I had such a luck with my dad till some point
You've just described my mother.
I went through this and demand to give my daughter better.
It's a relief beyond words to finally understand this!