The Narcissistic Mother Son Relationship
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 มิ.ย. 2024
- In this video Darren Magee outlines some of the common dynamics that take place in a narcissistic mother and son relationship. Looking at things such as enmeshment, devaluing, antagonistic parenting, emotional neglect and the impact on the son in adulthood.
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Hi Darren, I am a victim of a narcissistic mother in-law. For more than 10 years I was abused and my husband never stood up for me or our kids until I decided to stand up for us and call them out for their actions. After I did this then my husband was able to show them that it is not ok what they are doing but with the best manner he could. And I can see how sorry he feels for his mom even though he knows how much we have been through because of her. Another thing that hurts me is my husband doesn’t have any contact with my family even though they never had anything that hurt him after I called out his mom for her actions. I feel like he is also punishing me for it.
I am curious if you have any content that discusses a vulnerable/covert narcissist mother to a son?
@@DjGoofyG06 not specifically but will look into it and upload something on it
@@DarrenFMagee I appreciate it sir. I found the video about the covert/vulnerable wife relatable in every single way. So much so that I though you were able to see our relationship through some crystal ball. She used self-harm and suicide for 15 years and it worked on me. I've since escaped and now my 16 year old son is caught up in it and has blocked me and my family on all social media platforms, unprovoked. I just want to understand it.
I already have, it’s in the narcissistic families playlist. Hope you find it helpful
Orphans are luckier than sons raised by narcissistic mother.
20 years old moved out when I was 17. She absolutely broke me. Rather be homeless than speak to her ever again.
Imagine being an orphan and getting adopted by a narcissistic woman, good god 🙂
@@roberts7363 Same. Discovered at 29. Two weeks till I'm 30. I feel like my youth was stolen from me.
Agreed
Same goes for daughters of these monsters
My brother killer himself this year at age 33. He could never escape the grasp of our mother’s narcissism. I’m grieving for what could have been for my sweet, smart, handsome brother who never really was allowed to live.
I am so sorry for your loss
You honor him with this post and speaking the truth.
So sorry for your loss
I am sooo sorry for your loss Julz. Big hugs to you. My narcissistic mother pushed my “golden child” brother to death as well and tried to push me over the edge too. I finally went no contact last Christmas; it is beyond painful. My heart is with you and all suffering
❤️🙏🏼❤️
Bless you and your bro 💖💙
😔🙏💜
Cutting ties with these people is the only sensible thing to do. It doesn't matter if it's your mother, father, whatever: keep toxic people away.
Having younger siblings you essentially leave behind, complicates matters a lot. Unfortunately.
@@flemutter7211 I was not speaking of adult siblings.
Word.
I blocked my Mom and started winning the same day its been a year my life long bad luck has been 100 percent good unreal lol wtf?
@@tonyamartin1425 I tried to tell my husband that it’s not a coincidence that everything goes downhill when his narc mom is around. I cut ties with my toxic family. But some things you have to see on your own
My mother was so narcissistic that she discouraged education out of fear that her children may acquire more knowledge than her. She needed to be the smartest woman in the room even though she wasn’t particularly bright. I figured that out pretty young and defied her by going to college. She looked down on my education and even mistrusted me as someone who could expose her. She was a fraud on every level and used her children as pawns to maintain her charade. The only time I ever talked back to her she flew into a rage and banished me from her house forever. I consider myself lucky.
That's very similar to me. Thanks for sharing that
@@yoyoholck I Hope you share your story
The "supervisor" narc who took a high level job leading our department in a foreign country, and who would bring her adult children to stay from time to time, had twins that she would not permit to take (the uber-inexpensive, local) language lessons because she didn't want them to become fluent (like her). She was so insecure.
My mother did the same. Tried to stop me studying, then said my degree was worthless. Then told me my business plans wouldn’t work out. I finally got rid of her recently…
I know what you mean my mother figured out I was not as stupid as she liked and like magic she was evil to me for lack of a better word but if some one is around does not matter if she knows them or not transformed to a nice person making me look like a fool in front of strangers but as soon as she got me alone she turned evil again
I always loved when my mother would respond to my complaints with I gave birth to you. My response was if you have to go that far back you just proved how little you have ever done for me. A few times of responding like this and she stopped saying it.
I’m glad she didn’t blame you for spreading her legs and taking the D. 😂 these type of mothers are nuts. Stay away.
I just find it fascinating that the emotional abuse techniques are the same from all over the world, no matter what country or language. Kind of creepy.
Right?! It is incredibly creepy! It's like they look human but are they? It's like they all came from some other dimension. Or they were hacked by entities from other dimensions. Your right it is very creepy indeed.
Because it's an evil spirit/genetic lineage (Cain's offspring).
Narcissism is godlessness
@@barb7124 Exactly. And there is indeed a genetic component to it as well. Read GENEsis 3:15 and Psalm 58:3-5 KJV. Just like Cain who murdered his righteous (half brother) Abel out of pure envy, these narcissists/Cluster Bees have a choice to do good or evil. So it's still their responsibility ultimately, no matter how much they attempt to escape accountability by projecting all their sins onto us (the chosen trash cans aka scapegoats).
Spiritual wickedness in high and heavenly places. Evilness has no bounds
I feel so much rage and anger listening to this video. I was robbed and abused while my golden child of a brother was set on a pedestal. Why did this woman choose to give birth to me if she didn't want me?
hey buddy, i am you lol. Your comment is my experiences and thoughts too. Just sending you a big brotherly hug my friend. Stay strong and never be hard on yourself. You are totally lovable, your mother just doesn't know love, but that's not your fault. Take care mate.
its worse for the golden child...believe me...
Both are forms of abuse. It's hard perhaps to see it if you've been through what you have, but your brother will have paid a huge price too, but in a different way.
@@carolinekamya2339 How so? Just curious in your perspective. I am the Scapegoat in my Narc Family.
I got ripped apart by my mother. The mental problems of developed in that environment are insane
Lot of similarities in how my mum treated me, I’m 30 now and still struggling with what she did and still does to me. Thanks for this video, I feel less alone.
Me to bro. And it causes problems between me and my fiancé so much. I get the your going to chose her over your own mother. Well she’s the mother of my kid the women who I love and you have disrespected her on every level. So yea I choose my family over anyone.
@@eddiewaters5445 its normal to choose your wife over your mom!
I'm almost 30 my two siblings are 26 and 23. They have no self awareness I need to help them
Same to me also. My mother is a covert npd and a psychopath. I am now 26 years old and still strugling with this demon and I also go no contact with her in 2021 and she hoovered me then after 15 days of nc and then she started her mental games with me and threats of many kinds for taking revenge on me. I go grey rock with her but still she is acts unpredictable devil I ever seen and she threats me get out from home. Now I behave normally with her and she start love bomb me again and with it she gaslighting and insult me daily basis.
Stay strong we need to do it for the next generation
I was raised by a single mom 2 sisters 1 brother im the youngest now 26 years old and feeling kinda like a loser because of the lack of support no father figure and self making dumb steps in life.
I hope in 5 years to be looking back on this and hoping we get better on so we will never pass this to the next generation
Daddy didn’t go trough dirt for nothing
I remember when I was 4 years old, my mother took me to the doctor to get a shot. I had no idea what was about to happen. My mother didn’t even consider preparing me for it (that would require empathy). When the nurse pulled out the needle I screamed and knocked it out of her hand! I ran out of the room and hid in a supply closet for 5 min until they found me. Most children would have buried themselves in their mother for protection, but even at age 4 I innately knew my own mother didn’t have my best interest at heart. Took me 30 years to truly understand my situation, now I’ve been no contact for over 3 years. Best decision I’ve ever made.
My momster took me to a dentist when I was 5 or 6 losing my baby teeth. She said if he pulled out the baby teeth, which were not falling out at the time, the permanent teeth will grow out healthy and strong. So for the first few teeth the dentist applied anesthesia. After that my mom said, “no need!” He then started pulling out teeth in the back of my mouth without any anesthesia and it hurt like hell! I screamed and cried. He would not stop because momster was enjoying my pain and asked him to move on. I was dying with pain! I pushed his hand away and ran out of the clinic. My momster raged and yelled at me at how I had embarrassed her!!!! Sounds like Hitler and right out of a horror movie. Being an orphan would have been a hundred times better than living Under her roof.
@@msher33 What? Are you joking?
@@nokotose7127 no it’s a true story
@@msher33 That is horrifying! I am sooo sorry this happened to you as a child. You NEVER deserved that treatment. That was so cruel.
@@nokotose7127 thank you for your sympathy and kind words 😀. I really appreciate it!
My mother was an illiterate narcissist. She destroyed my life and that of my brother. I eventually made it to university - and she murdered my dog just before my final exams. I married a narcissist too - and she has utterly destroyed the mental health of my sons. The eldest has general anxiety disorder and depression, my second eldest son has psychosis and abuses drugs and alcohol. If this world doesn't sort itself out soon we are all doomed.
Everything they do is transactional. It makes my skin crawl.
Literally EVERYTHING!!
YES
yes, good way to describe it.
Everything they do is a plot or scheme.
If the son is the golden child, then it’s a very different dynamic. The son is then placed on a pedestal but is not generally humiliated. However, the expectations of the golden son are very rigid and he has to perform to her very specific expectations.
My advice to anyone ...Leave and never go back. I'm stuck as a caregiver to my mother. Her laziness is worse than ever. If she's not demanding I do something she threatening to call the police being abusive or disregarding anything I say or do to help her. She has thrown me under the bus to anyone who will lister. She is in victim purgatory.Nothing is ever her fault. Run for your life!!
My evil bitch is a decade away from an old folks home. Why even deal with it?
Seek God during this season in your life, and the word ( which is Jesus Christ) will guard your heart and make you strong mentally in Him and through Him. Proverbs 3:5-6, lean not unto your own understanding but in all your ways trust in Him and He will direct your path!
I hope and pray that you survive this brother. I was in exactly the same position of care giver a few years ago. But thankfully she’s doing much better now so I’m taking steps to find a way out from under her roof. It won’t be easy but it’ll definitely be worth it.
She is an adult. She is responsible to source her care. Find a solution and ditch her. You owe her nothing.
Demand a high nursing salary from her.
She relies on you not the other way round
Take your own advice and run for your life!
I just met a 36 year old man with a covert narcissistic mother. Had to look this up because of how abnormal and disturbing her behavior was. She was
1. Trying to maintain lifelong control over her son who is married with a child
2. Trying to compete with his spouse for her son's attention
3. Watches her DIL like a hawk. Snooping around her house and trying to control each and every little thing about their life
4. Pretends to be sweet to the DIL in front of everyone, but acts passive aggressively 1:1
5. Her son is her golden child. She is scared her DIL will take him away from her
6. Maintains a spouse-like relationship with her son. She had to be involved in every little thing or she will play the victim, and cry.
7. Getting attention is her highest priority
8. Her DIL believes this woman deliberately made her miscarry
9. She is adamant that she decides what everybody should eat. If you don't like what she cooked, then starve. She will never tolerate people trying to cook something in their own kitchen or even order from a restaurant.
10. People cannot do ANYTHING in their own house without her supervision
11. She pretends to be a martyr, in order to be valued by her son
This is my MIL word-for-word.
I am a 46 year old woman and I came to realize that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder about two years ago. I determined that I was a survivor of narcissist abuse through seeking my own healing from failed and unsuccessful romantic relationships. I determined that I was codependent and as I studied this, I discovered the history of narcissist abuse in my life. I have an older brother and also a younger sister that is 14 years younger than myself. When I discovered the truth of the abuse, it has been a shocking unfolding of the tactics and measures of manipulation and control that had been asserted over all of us children and as my discovery developed I also began to see the manipulation of my father. My mother is a survivor of extreme mental and physical abuse and whst I have discovered is usually children of abuse will take on the role of the aggressor or take on the passive role of the victim within the parental relationship. I have found freedom in understanding because I know that my mother is not an evil person even though I and my siblings and father have endured unimaginable psychological mistreatment. I am learning that releasing the offenses within myself, free me from the control of the history of pain and rejection. I have to do this on a daily and of course it is not easy because the pain wants to stay by saying within my heart and soul that I am validated in being upset towards her, but I have realized that as I forgive the offenses each day; I come into a deeper love for myself and a security within myself that I have never had previously. I am able to communicate with my mother and teach her and reveal to her, her toxic behavior patterns. Behavior patterns that she and most survivors of abuse acquire to keep themselves safe and to ensure they have love in their lives. Although great pain as transpired in my life, forgiving my mother and holding her accountable for her actions in the spirit of love is empowering me, healing me and allowing me to be one with myself, love myself, feel validated within myself and has allowed me to use what the enemy in spirit meant for harm to destroy me to be turned for my good, my power and healing also for my mother and generations to come. It is my belief that narcissism is a generational curse of sort and if we do not find repentance and forgiveness within our own hearts and souls then we too will either take on the same behavior patterns of the narcissist or we will live defeated as victims of circumstance in a powerless and defeated mindset. Everything that happens in our lives can and will be turned for good and used for our good IF we allow it and trust in this truth. Yes, we a survivors of narcissist abuse have endured great pain and manipulation, rejection..this list goes on and on, but in order for our children, our children's children and to 1000 generations more ...we owe it to our future to face our fears with courage because in this we are Victors..what tried to destroy us truly has no power ..it only has the power that we give it as individuals..we have the power ..we always have and that power is love and forgiveness and knowing as we walk in our truth that we are beautiful, strong and perfect just as we are...we are everything we believe we are and as a sacrifice of transformative healing, we can also give this truth of Love to the ones who hurt us the most. We can be an example of courage and consistency of love and direction of healing and virtue to the ones who need it most..we are more than conquerors because if we weren't the evil within the narcissist would have killed us all a very long time ago and also killed our abusers and their abusers long before we came into existence. I think I/we owe it to our future selves and our future generations to choose love, courage and repentance for not only our shortcomings but the shortcomings of the generations before us...or else the next generation will have to carry what we were equipped to endure and overcome. The rejected are the chosen and the rejected upon transformation and revelation of who they are as individuals are the cornerstones of healing and transformation for generations..for. nations. Do not allow the pain of endurance to go to waste..face the giants for future generations. God bless you all.
Lost interest in my mother now. 51 years of mind games & childish stupidity has taken its toll. Enough is enough.
Same here and I’m 51 too and my mom is out of control with her bullshit when I see she trying to call me I don’t pick up cause then my day will be ruined
When I was diagnosed with dyspraxia at the age of seven, my Mother literally punched the air in triumph and said "Yes, I knew it! I knew there was something wrong with you! I was right the entire time!" To her my diagnosis was more of a personal victory. Growing up she'd use it as a weapon, privately against me by punishing me for the things I struggled with, and publically by using me against others, saying "How dare you mistreat my son. He's disabled, etc." I was useless to her, unless she could weaponise me.
I’m so sorry you grew up like that.
I'm so sorry
That’s twisted. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you’ll find peace and unconditional love from the other relationships in your life. 🙏🏻🕊
Pass the ammunition
She probably caused your disability just from being around her and under the stress these wicked creatures cause us. They are more toxic than arsenic!!
It’s a SICK and very DYSFUNCTIONAL dynamic that the son does not ever fully recover from. This son then subconsciously expects his wife to be the ‘mother he never had’ and that creates another SICK & very DYSFUNCTIONAL dynamic in his marriage, which (as one can predict) does not last very long. So this son then goes through repeated failed relationships because he just truly does not know what it means to be a grown up man (versus a boy)
I’m a 30 year old man and I strongly agree with this comment. Never had any relationship that lasted anywhere near as long as I wanted it to. Had to sit down and trace what went wrong in every relationship/situationship and all the girls I was with felt I was “needy”. Even the girl I just split with ran for the hills because she felt I was “needy” and is one of the few that openly said it.
Lord knows I’m desperate to move out but had to extend my stay under her roof when she was sick for many years because my Dad isn’t even in the picture. Sometimes just getting through the next day feels hard.
@@iwantgoals1566 It helps to listen when people tell you the truth. The girl who just left you was right. You are needy but that’s not your fault. Set some goals for yourself: primarily, leaving as soon as possible. Your mother wants you to be like her, dependent. That is her problem. Yours is living a fulfilling and loving life of goodness. Find a church, find a healthy hobby, avoid addictions. These will get you started in the right direction. As Albert Einstein said, “try not to become a man of success, but rather become a man of value.” You can become a stronger man when you do hard things. Become a person of value, and you will attract someone similar.
@@iwantgoals1566Consider yourself lucky that those women were honest enough to tell you that you are needy, because there's no lack of narcissistic women out there who will latch on to you like a leech. They can tell, consciously or unconsciously, that you are codependent, and that's gold to them. They will then a) befriend your mother b) make an enemy of your mother, and force you to move away so that you can be her possession, and hers alone, or c) you will, sooner rather than later, get the narcissistic discard, with or without her being unfaithful to you, but definitely in a very humiliating way. PLEASE find a qualified mental health professional who specializes in childhood trauma, and get to work on yourself. It may seem expensive, but it's a hell of a lot cheeper than divorce.
100%
That's why you put in the recovery work. Don't make yourself a victim.
Please do a video about Narcissistic Abuse Disorder. It is compelling to me that so many of us, particularly before the wound is named, act out in similarly destructive ways to our parents.
One thing I discovered is that the victim ends up constantly questioning whether THEY are the narcissist! But see, the narcissist NEVER questions their role.
Thanks.
Thank you for your suggestion. I made a video a while ago on narcissistic abuse syndrome if you might find that helpful?
What a miserable childhood that child must have experienced, this trauma will even haunt him on his Adulthood! He suffered just because his mother cant provide the right parenting he deserved, as A mom this is so informative! I will make sure that I provide my child the best that they really deserved from the start! Thank you Darren for the video!❤️
Yeah, it sucks being a man and having a narc mum.
Yep. This was my childhood
@@JD-ez5fj I am still stucked with my psychopathic manipulative demon narc mother and cant go no contact
Wish I had a mom like you…
I'm 63, still dealing with the crap she dumped on me as far back as I can remember. Evil eyes and the whole nine yards.
Ugh, my MiL is your text book vulnerable narcissist. Using guilt and shame, “you shoulds”, and all kinds of manipulative bs, it’s maddening. This video makes me want to hug my husband for having to have dealt with this monster his entire life. He was one of the lucky ones- ended up very assertive and wanted to GTFO as soon as he went to college. He said it best when he described his relationship with her: “I’ve had to politic my way through life with her..” God bless him. And God bless me for having to put up with her now 😒
Same issues :(
wow, same here--i didn't want to be the "typical" complaining daughter in law. She died 25 years into my marriage and there is nothing but sadness left for all the years she lived her miserable life. My husband is damaged beyond belief....was told in 1990 for the first time by a shrink. He has been a lifetime basket case. His brother was the one who fled to college and then lived far away (his wife hated her). Good luck in the future and take care of yourself, you are No. 1.
Cut her out of your lives as much as possible so the damage stops!!!!
My MIL is like this. It makes me feel sorry for my narcissistic ex .....a bit.....we separated after 13 years on his mother's accord and he's now back to living with her.
MIL is BPD comorbid NPD and my husband wasn't as lucky. He is the spitting image of her. Sadly, I can't hug him.
Gosh some of these comments are so heartbreaking. I hope that anyone reading this who was or still is subjected to narcissistic treatment from a parent(s), understands their true worth and strength outside of just being a pawn in the game of a toxic person’s unprocessed issues.
the hardest part about watching this video is this man literally described every part of my childhood everything he said has happened to me and I'm still broken guarded and insecure:(
The narcissistic mom(mine) never fails to remind you how good a mother she is from sunup to sundown. 😖
Excellent video! My mother was a covert narc. My parents had to get married when she became pregnant with me. She blamed me for all her misery, while my brother and sister could do nothing wrong.
Now, for various reasons, I'm something of a narc magnet. It's as if they can see the scars left by the childhood trauma. One of the female narcs who got close to me has two children. I see her treating her son exactly as Mr. Magee described. He's 27 years old and afraid to move too far away from his mother for fear she'll get revenge in some way. I wish I could share this video with him...
This explains my childhood in so many parts. My Single mom raised me as a boy. Demeaned everything. So it’s already all the societal pressures of listen to your mom, religious aspects… “honor thy mother”. But at some point in my youth I realized my mother who had a stressful childhood was taking all the frustrations in her life out on me. It was extreme bullying. I can do whatever I want to you, and you can’t do anything back to me. And you’re “not a man” type belittling and beating from my mother. I was the punching bag For all things she went through. The only goal was to get out of there. The family would always accept her behavior and hush it but as the subordinate in that relationship I resented it. I felt like I had gotten out of an 18 year marriage! And it turned me away from women and the minute any time a woman nagged me, it was ptsd. You’re trying to get me back in that prison of a house I grew up in… mentality. I joined the Marines to escape the physical, psychological and emotional damage I received. I found comfort in the brotherhood and the uplifting spirits of men doing positive things from all different backgrounds. This is my situation and I just would normally keep it to myself but this gave me peace to listen to this video. At 18, I was open to sexual freedom I hadn’t had before and bonding It also affected my sexuality too. walking out of that life long parent marriage of a raising, I found more comfort with male mentors. Women cause me stress. I had loving cousins aunts and grandmothers but I still resent someone having that much control over me and using it for evil intentions, the scars from my childhood are that deep. I’m told you can’t blame or cross your parenting with your sexuality but I think it’s not so solid. The cut from a matriarchal society out of anger and rage/to the nurturing of a patriarchal society which most would never look at it like that… but to me men were the calmer and more nurturing branch for me. Attachment and attraction went hand in hand. This is my perspective of how I am where I am. I’m more likely to listen to an objective man than a woman because of deep levels of containment has me with no desire to ever feel trapped like that again.
I completely get you.. That is a toxic trap that I'm never getting into.
Thank you for speaking up. 🌈
I hope you are healing well. 🥀🕊️
I'm 60 yo & finally understanding the "why" as to why I rightfully don't trust woman has me questioning my attraction to men as well. I might like women once my dearly evil 85 yo healthy MOTHER dies... Prayers welcome.
This was my experience! It was kind of interesting, though: I was the second son, but eventually I became the "partner," because my older brother just didn't have the empathy that she needed to take advantage of. He went on to develop schizophrenia; I often wonder if this contributed to his "failure" to be a "partner?" He definitely had some odd behaviors as a kid. Sucks for me, too; I've never had a single healthy romantic relationship :/ At least as an adult, I have been free to distance myself physically & emotionally. Yay mom...
This is so spot on! ‘My MIL asked my husband why he needed a girlfriend - when he had her’ - that was deeply disturbing for him. Every night she would get him to rub her feet and massage them. She would ignore calls from girls/ women who called looking for my husband and she wouldn’t tell my husband that anyone had called. When we were dating, my husband would ask if he could bring me out to stay, they lived in the middle of the countryside, and his Dad would say ‘of course, lovely we will get the spare room set up.’ And his Mum would agree and say of course - but it will need to be later in the evening’ my husband and I would turn up to the house in darkness and his Mum would start balling and shouting ‘how dare you bring this woman into my house’ she would be accusing him of not telling her, when I had heard him confirm over the phone (at my request). I actually felt like I was the other woman and caught by his wife. She would leave her lingerie out on the radiator drying in their hallway (my husband said she never did this) it was like she was marking her territory and my husband was her territory.
My poor husband was mortified. My family adored him and made him so welcome, he begged me not to tell my parents about how cruel and horrible his Mum was being. His Dad was very nice - although he told me that I was with the wrong brother - it wouldn’t have been an issue if I had dated my brother in law. My MIL hated me, because my family had previously rented from a housing association (even though my parents owned their four bedroom home), she hated that I was a trainee teacher and not a trainee doctor, it was bad that I was a virgin (I’ve no idea why) , my family were not rich enough. But she hated his exes too- I eventually realised it was jealousy and that there was something strange going on! There is so much more but we eventually cut contact 10 years ago - my husbands self esteem has grown so much! His Mum has recently been trying to use guilt/ manipulation to guilt him into starting contact again.
Ewww that’s sick! Hope you guys r good now .
@@natashajohnson186 I know - thank you for asking, we are honestly so happy, my husband had a lot of counselling and with my love and support his self esteem is much improved. I had to draw a line and protect my children and my husband and I was advised by social services not to allow my Mother in law near my children. So we have been mostly no contact for 10-11 years now. My husband occasionally messages his Mum on Facebook using grey rock. She is very emotionally manipulative and tries to manipulate him into mending their relationship. My husband knows that I will support him no matter what he chooses but he himself has decided that he prefers no contact as he needs to protect his own mental health.
@@scottishmamalivingingodslight I’m so glad you are happy , I do appreciate that it took a lot of time and effort to get to this happy place . Unfortunately my husband and I have done the same with both his parents , it’s been 18 years for us . We would be divorced by now but we just celebrated our 30 year anniversary ( I held out for 12 years hoping to find peace with the in-laws ) So keep it up and well done! Oh and a big hello from Sydney Australia. Warm regards Natasha
@@natashajohnson186 thank you, my husband and I have been married 17 years this year and together 19 years. We gave my Mother in law so many chances, I forgave again and again, things that truly were horrid, we tried so that our children would know their grandparents. That was before we realised how dangerous they were - the impact they would have on our children. I could take the nastiness, but when it turned onto my children that was crossing a line. I am glad we made that decision, but sad that it was necessary. My parents Mothers (my grandmothers) adored their son in law and daughter in law. My Gran actually spoke more to my Mum than to her son (my Dad)- my Mum grieved as much for my Gran as she had for her own Mum. The concept of horrible inlaws was so outside of normal for me and so upsetting.. But I have come to accept that I am not to blame, she would have hated any woman my husband took home. He was a possession to her and I was stealing him away. Their relationship was strained and heading that way long before I met my husband and that’s sad. I’m so sorry you have been through similar!
I do have anxiety about how my husband will feel when his parents die, I hope he won’t blame me, he says he won’t but it’s at the back of my head. I hope you and your husband continue to thrive outside of the toxicity of his Mum.
@@scottishmamalivingingodslight Congratulations on 19 years , and for having the courage to cut those ties . I like Darren better than doc Phil because Darrens examples of behaviour are so on point that I got flashbacks for 2 weeks, I had to watch it again and again to make sure I heard it correctly. I know you tried to make peace I can tell in your posts how caring you are . But speaking for my in-laws … I have been judged . And that’s it , I’m now in a place where I’m happy because I have no responsibility in their decision making… that in itself is freedom….
As for when they die ? Well I would like to think , at the MOST it would be attending the service and then walking away again. But this time I’m not a young girl who’s intimidated and inexperienced in life going in to get slaughtered by words and emotional blackmail. No … I’m a great mother/wife (like you) who can see them for what they are , and will act in a cold decisive way . I have a great life to get back to , rather than stay with them . My husband too says he won’t want to go to their funeral, but you never know , things can change… but I am planning for that eventuality to go in armed to the teeth. (so to speak ) that we walk away with least injuries as possible!!! 😂
I’m glad to have “spoken with you “ about this. I’m so sorry you have this in your life. But I’m sure you have the best kids in the world , because of the love and protection you and your husband have provided. Keep up the good work…. you did/doing good .🌻
Spot on. My husband's mother has always parentified her children, still to this day tells my husband and his siblings her marital problems. He just got a call that she is staying with her husband so she doesn't have to go to her kids... what a saint. So let's all feel bad that she's doing that and feel that we owe her now for it. No, she has no choice regardless, this is how she chose to live her life, dependent on others and making them be her caregiver with no exit. She's got one of her sons taking out a mortgage for her in his name- again. He is almost 30 and she scared off a girlfriend already, got him isolated and in a caretaker role. My husband sees only some of it but also is oblivious. He thinks his mom was "never taught" or had "bad luck" because of this or that that happened and needs the help because of that. Nothing ever changes. I feel very nervous all the time over what will become of that situation. It seems she has one of her sons as the surrogate spouse but sometimes it seems like she's working on us. My husband already agreed nobody will ever be staying with us and we won't be asked for money, but I still feel very nervous in my personal life over it, like a dark cloud, an issue that hasn't been dealt with. She's hated every girl her sons has been with and is trying to say one of them is using her other son for his money and I know that is not true... no, she wants to use her son for his money.
I'm right there with you. I like to call this scenario the "son husband" effect. My husband was used like a spouse almost his entire childhood. From being forced to babysit his younger sister when he wasn't even 10 yet, to having to drive her home when she was wasted when he was 12. He never had a proper childhood and was even stunted emotionally and intellectually by his mother.
This was my mother. I am autistic. As i believe my 75 year old dad is. Luckily I left the country ten years ago. However she kept her control via daily phone calls and financial abuse. I have finally realised what I was running away from ten years ago. I feel sorry for my dad. But he enabled my mother. He abandoned me also even though he lived under the same roof.
My partner is i believe, undiagnosed with autism. His mother is still in denial about it (her son is 'perfect'), yet ive noticed she also doesnt seem to accept his wonderful uniqueness because of his autistic traits. She seems to hold him in contempt also, scorning him. He was not allowed to choose his own clothes. She said in front of him that i must choose for him. I refused though. Her husband recently passed away during a recent break from our relationship- but i was the only family member that wasnt told about his death. In my absence, he now lives with her, assuming a caretaking role. He is emeshed and doesnt know it. He started acting distant and uncommunicative towards me, i believe, partly due to her influence. I feel like i am fighting an uphill battle all the time. I am glad for your own sake, and for the sanity of others that you have gained distance.
I heard alot of bells going off in my head as I watched this... Thank you, Darren.
You have literally described my relationship.
You put it in such perfect terms. Thanks. My 2nd husband and his mom had a toxic relationship. Right up until the end. She was a bitter woman towards my husband and worshipped his brother. She went as far as taking my husband out of her will because he married me. The hurt just never seemed to stopped even after burial.
Me too! I found out a year after my Mom died that I was cut out of my parents will . That was 8 years ago and my Dad is still alive of course. Thanks Mom! She was quite good at always having the last word.
Yeah ive noticed they use funerals and wills to keep the hurt going, and the emeshment.
I would love to see a video on father-son narcissistic parent abuse. This video perfectly describes my relationship with my mother, but I also believe my Father was either a narcissist or a child of a narcissistic mother also. He is gone now but I'm trying to gain clarity over my life
Thank you for this video. It is good to know there is a reason for how I've always felt.
Hi thanks for your question. I’ve made a video recently on the narcissistic father son relationship if you’d find that helpful
I am a GWM 59 years old and I only know have realized that my mom was and still is a narcissist. For me my mom always wanted me to be a little boy that could only do what she wanted me to do and that she felt like I could never do anything on my own. What I most remember is when I told her that I wanted to get a job at the airport or with any airline. her immediate reply was " you can never do that, you will never be able to get a job at the airport or with an airline" I did get a job with an airline and instead of being proud of me she was embarrased that I did something that she said that I could not do. For my sisters I am sad to say it was worse for them. No love, no pride of their many accomplishments. with them it was like she was always in competition with them. Even to this day she is still in competition with them. Hopefully at some point in my life I will be able to heal.
Amen ❤❤❤
Could you please do a video on psychosomatic illness and hypervigilance in adult sons of narcissistic mothers?
Thank you for your suggestion
What I have learned from this video, having a narcissistic mother (with a father who tried to protect me from her):
* She is the one who is lazy, not me.
* She has no ability to problem-solve.
* Bringing up negative feelings makes her extremely uncomfortable.
* She isolated me from friends (except the ones she approved of, which were potential flying monkeys, informants of my privacy that teens share only with each other, in my high school years).
* Because of my father, I knew I was good enough, so at least the rest of the world respected me.
* Inconsistent discipline. She loved when I talked of sex and intimacy, but she looked for evidence of her own sexual attractiveness. She even encouraged my guy friends to tell her of their sexual attraction to girls in our class. Discipline? Caused by excluding her from all of this.
* Emotional neglect, no secure attachment. Well, MY DAD was the only one who cared.
* "Just accept the abuse, and other relationships as well." Every victim of narcissistic abuse knows this.
* Envy of the mother, the son is her property. BOOM! I am gay, I love men, she can't compete. Now she looks to only women using the "we are women who are oppressed by the patriarchy" bullsh!T conjecture.
* Only MEN have formed healthy relationships with me -- including non-sexual-with-me straight men.
That just summed up what I've been trying to articulate in therapy for two years... Thanks champ. You're a money saver
Thank you so much. I did ask you to recommend a video on this topic. I had been through your videos,(twice) and my crazy mind couldn't see it! I will watch a few more times to absorb everything and try to live my life. Thanks again. X
Fantastic video. That's it, that's absolutely it. It made me understand a few things about my childhood that weren't completely clear yet.
I can relate to most of this. It's refreshing to see coverage regarding sons as usually tend to see more around daughters. To everyone going through this, sending you healing love.
Wow. This is 100% spot on.
1:33 I would agree more. I am the eldest male child and my mother always tell a lot of negative things about my father and even my brothers (all boys) and as soon as I get older I have noticed that she is just using these conversations to maintain our relationship and realized that this is always the topic we are talking if they are not around. This also affected my relationships with my father and siblings. In addition, it is so hard for me to maintain healthy relationships with women because she is always bringing out her (the girl I am currently dating) imperfections even something to do with the physical aspect! So now I am still single and more depressed because she always connects with me through call and it is so hard to cut contacts with her. I do not know what to do and I hope to someone reading this you will find a solution on dealing with your narcissistic mother.
Thank you so much I am dealing with exactly everything you are talking about thanks to this video I was able to show my husband exactly what’s happening, he refused to except the truth till this video was in his face now we can try to get real help. As u well know it’s 3 of us in this marriage myself my husband and his mother.
I’m dealing with a similar situation myself right now ❤️
@@MsEKN girl stay strong it’s a fight that will seem for not, my husband is willing to try to remember he’s on my side
My mother favored my brothers and still does, she's enabled them up until now, they are middle aged now and she won't stop. I on the other hand have worried about her and have always been there whenever she's needed support.
I never noticed all these open and honest comments before under these video's. I appreciate everyones shares here. So brave and so much for people to learn from. To feel supported and not alone. ❤
I’m 66, never had children. Although I might’ve been a good mother, these stories, including those in the comments, freak me out! I sure would not want to bring an innocent little soul into the world only to become a living terror to my own child!
You are a precious soul
5:35 this segment is great. "Unobtainable"
Perfectly explains why I left my mother.
Can you talk about a sons anger and resentment towards mother after being raised like this? Can you give tips on letting the mom go?
Thank you for your suggestion
I have been feeling this resentment
Oh yes! This, please! My husband is the only child, 100% Italian-American family. His dad recently died, and subsequently, after a final straw moment, hubby refuses to see his mother again. But he has so much anger and resentment toward her.
I'm a daughter of a narcissistic mom, I went through a Lot, but I really feel bad about boys with those moms because they can't even accept the fact that some mothers can be anything except being a mother.they can never find true love and a nice lady,whenever a girl is being nice and empathetic,they'll run away and they're scared Shitless of kind people and they feel they're trapped..I'm so sorry for my ex.he wasn't even an A hole,he was just so scared of how I treated him like a human being with emotions
Wow
Hell am an Empath , survivor of Narcissistic Abuse of 24 years by the hands of my Covert/Vulnerable Narcissistic mother , and i dont run away from Kind emphathic people , if anything my next narcissist that i fell in love with was a Nurse !! I thought she would be a fellow empath like me and that we both would see eye to eye as she is a caregiver , turns out she was a Covert/Vulnerable Narcissist with the " Victim Mentality " , master manipulator and controlling behaviour !! It just never ends with me , i've encountered 3 narcs , a Friend , my mother and now my former narc girlfriend.
My mother promoted my older brother to be like her partner. She treated him as a golden child, ignored my father and scapegoated me. He was not allowed to be a child or imperfect. He grew up and married a covert narcissist. He had fairly average success in life and walked around with a chip on his shoulder while pretending some kind of d of grandiosity.
Wow thank you so much. These incredibly powerful and helpful. I felt like you speaking to my heart. Thank you
Once again, spot on. Malignant N grandmother did this to my father, who is also now a malignant narc, and now this has trickled down to my two brothers and I'm the scapegoat. ...And on and on it goes...
the fact that you are the scapegoat (truthteller) means it does not go "on and on" with you anymore. Keep on telling your truth.
My ENTIRE LIFE HAS JUST BEEN EXPLAINED! I FEEL EXTREMELY validated....
Thanks for this. It accurately reflects my experience, validating my decision to go no-contact with my mother a decade ago. The term "ridicule" accurately describes the way my mother treated me around others. It was covert and personal - she used my unique sensitivities (I'm autistic) and quirks to trigger feelings of embarrasment and shame as a way to dominate me publicaly. All with plausible denyability, because hey - she was "only joking" or describing something "cute" that was infantalizing. The thing about girlfriends is also spot on. Her tactic was to initially try to recruit my partner to gang-up on and humiliate me. If that failed, she would attack and humiliate the poor woman in the same way she did me. She had an uncanny ability to read people's sensitivities. With a single quip she'd lay these poor women low - even though I'd warned them what was likely to happen. They were invaribly shocked, and it certainly didn't help my relationships. Worse was when a partner attempted to suck-up to her by going along with her abuse - at least for me!
One of the other defining characteristics of people with a narcissistic bent is contempt. Along with entitlement, resentment, jealousy, envy and rage. Hatred drives these people. Hatred of themselves projected onto others. Shame, fear and anxiety form an antipode to their agressive emotions. Said agression is largely a product of what's ultimately a personality based on infantilism and cowardice. The are sad and destructive people best avoided at all costs. Failing that, the less interaction you have with them the better. Grey Rock 'em if can't go No Contact, and remember:
It's not you, it's them.
A fascinating video Darren , thank you.
All my life I've been a GP and it took retirement and the death of my mother for me to realise what Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder was and that she had it.
Upbringing with her was great training for life as an effective GP of one way caring without return care or relationship. Just what we all rightly expect from our GP. We'll done Mum.
I was so angry when I realised and so relieved too.
Thanks for these great videos.
Thank you for sharing and I’m glad you found them helpful
Just got out of this crazy Relationship.
The Mother was a Narcissist/
BPD
His Mother was my Fathers Girlfreind till recently.
Over 10 years. She overDosed and passed away in June.
But.
She treated him like garbage or like a best friend.
He got the Blame for all her mistakes in life.
Got him into drugs and alcohol at a very young age
He had a horrible child hood.
But. He is a Narc. As Well.
6 years of abuse.
I felt sorry for him.
He asked if he could stay with myself and Daughter.
He did good. As long as he wasn't around his Mother
But. He couldn't stand to be away for ever
His father was in prison she always said
He would be put in prison for the rest of his life because he was like his Daddy.
But. People.
We can't help these NPD people.
They honestly need forever Therapy.
My Ex Narc
Put me through so much
I never want to c him again.
I never knew a Demon like this could exist.
All this time I thought it was all his mother's fault .
I guess it still is
But. I've been discarded, cheated on
Abused mentally and physically
They Love no one.
Have No Emotions.
The narcissistic mother trains her Golden Child son to be her emotional support (son-husband) and rescuer as well as trains him AND his childhood friends to worship her as some kind of saint/martyr. It is truly nauseating. And if you are the Scapegoat sibling as was I, you can't reason with them or make them see her the way you see her (the way she really IS). All they see is the mask she wears and all they hear is the BS she spews to them. It's as though their is a wall around their brains preventing them from seeing the truth and all they see are the lies and half truths the narcissistic mother has manipulated them into seeing. She projects her own wickedness onto the Scapegoat (usually a daughter) and constructs a false image of you into their minds and that's the only way they ever see you from then on. They never even really know who you are, only the fake card board cut out full of false labels the narc mother has put into their heads. They are DUPES in the absolute most pathetic sense and don't even know it. And the enabling father usually gets thrown under the bus along with the Scapegoat. Only difference is, the enabling father is a coward and bows down to this Bitch and kisses her butt while the Scapegoat daughter is the "bad one" because she see through the BS and stands up to this evil woman. Narcissitic women are not and cannot be real MOTHERS. They are ADVERSARIES of their own offspring.
I agree, except for the part whereas the father is concerned. My father wasn’t aware of what my mother did when he was at work. My dad did not know what was going on.
This describes my family and my father enabled my mother. He’s a weak man who never protected me … the scapegoat. He’s her errand boy and does whatever she says. It’s really pathetic..
thank you for sharing Darren :) Thank you for youtube, now we can share our experiences from narcissistic mothers.
My father is a narc. My mother divorced him 24 years ago but is covered in "Narc Fleas". Now and again she is so inconsistent or controlling it's breath taking. I am 45yrs old and she would still threaten to smack me with 'the wooden spoon" up until I was 40 odd years old. lol
lol indeed
That sounds more than fleas. It sounds like its who she is.
@@jackgoodings quite possibly
narc fleas. can you explain this more? never heard of this, but it sounds important to understand. thank you!
@@jp5419 Sure thing JP. In a nutshell it means that although my mother is/was not a narc she displayed some narc characteristics after years of living with my narc father. I hope that clears it up for you?
Thank you so much for again a great video!
Leave the situation and do NOT go back
There is hope
You can heal and recover
That is dead true. My oldest son heard exactly what you said. You actually made me cry when I saw this video.
I have lived this as a son then I have lived it as a father and had my NWife do this to my oldest son. You literally cannot do anything about this because you still most cannot stop her and anything you do validates and is manipulated used anything to get her way. She always got me to discipline the boys. But whenever I implemented any rules she cut me off at the knees. Then I am blamed for them misbehaving.
Thanks for pointing out the connection between enmeshment and narcissist mothers. It is what my experience is, and I was just thinking of exploring the subject further. It is a mix of what I grew up with, and what I married into..
Hi wasn’t sure where to put these topics I’d like to know more about , female covert narcissism (mother) and hidden alcoholism (literally hidden from family for years only discovered when I was in my mid 30s, parent would have public appearance of being staunch Christian and therefore against alcohol use) , narcissists and religion , father was pastor of church in Northern Ireland,(public v private persona), the use of passive aggressive tactics and prolonged use of ‘the silent treatment ‘ could continue for months at a time both when I was child , teenager and adult. Your content is v informative & reassuring .
Thank you I’m glad you find it helpful and thank you for your suggestion
Case in point....Agnes (mom) and Richard Carpenter (son) and how those toxic dynamics led to Karen Carpenter's anorexia nervosa and untimely death at age 32.
Thank you.
You’re welcome I’m glad you found it helpful
It is sad 2 watch the son react like whatever is happening to his mother is happening 2 him when he should not even know some of the things that are going on with her and it is sad 2 watch the son scramble to comfort his mother when she is in a rage or melt down the look on his face oh no she is flipping out again so he listens to her rant and rage and he agrees with everything she said and even plays in to what she is saying and helps her justify the tantrum she is having telling her what a wonderful Mom she is and saying I Love You Mom over and over again and she never pays attention to him unless she is high and he approaches her with something he knows she will be interested in chatting about because if he speaks of something he is interested in she will put her face in her phone and and pretend to listen I see this regularly and it is Very Very Very Very SAD
Bang on!
Darren,Im in a relationshio you just expressed,100% correct,the son 38 now has a girlfreind who thankfully is made stronger than any others, long may it continue,youve opened and closed some doors for me thankfully.
You just perfectly and completely described my life
Sir, you were all in in our relationship with our mother. I have an older brother and younger sister.
Here is an example, my brother had gotten married. He ensures his wife has a reliable car to drive. Our mother has never had the best credit and has had to settle for vehicles that quickly become problematic. On one occasion, she calls my brother about needing some $ to have her car serviced. He says that he can't at that particular time because of responsibilities at his house. Our mother responds sarcastically, "I bet that you don't let (the name of his wife) drive around in the kind of a car that you let me drive around in?!" Since when was he responsibile for such? That's a rhetorical question.
He and I talked about it and he ask my point of view from a biblical perspective, and I give it to him but never thought anymore about it.
However, after listening to you explain this specific type of a relationship, the light has come on about that particular situation and so many, many others in our lives with our mother.
Now I understand the abuse, the emotional neglect, the moodiness, the desire to control, hurtful statements, and other things. But I also understand, in part, why and how she became a narcissistic: she lived for at least 15 years in the same house with an alcoholic- he father. And he raised **** every weekend according to her.
I must say that I am truly blessed and fortunate to come out that childhood as well as I did, particularly when I consider how detrimental it was to my two siblings- both substance abuser, multiple children, and a history of legal troubles.
Lastly, you were also dead on regarding internalizing because that was definitely me for sure and accepting and putting up with a lot of stuff from others, particularly in a specific romantic relationship.
But now I know, and knowing is half the battle 😉
Although not necessarily everything you say applies to my relationship with my own mum, your video still means a lot to me. I thank you for its existence.
As a (male) survivor of ghastly physical & psychological abuse in childhood at my unfathomably & unbearably narcissistic mother’s hands, I can't resist the urge to point out that in today's world most people (at least in a typical modern & developed society) realise that it's simply moronic & incredibly naïve to presume that ALL policemen/women must be upright and law-abiding individuals, as there are now verified reports & documented cases of police officers abusing their legally endowed power for illegal or immoral ends. Then, why don't/can't people apply the same wisdom to their perception of parenting?
Just think of the shocking & horrendous Austrian case of incest that came to light in 2008 where an evil father Josef Fritzl imprisoned his own daughter Elisabeth in a cellar for years and compelled her to gratify the selfish desires of his body! I truly deserve to be called an idiot and a monster if I request Elisabeth to celebrate Father’s Day or if I rashly conclude that hers is only a rare and isolated case!
Is a person who dares to assume that parental maltreatment of children never (or rarely) occurred in all human history less insane than someone who proclaims that no firefighter has ever committed arson in all human history?
Hearing you speak about the mother son dynamics sends chils down my spines
Like you are talking about my personal life.
So bizarre.
If parents do not care and take responsibility it is abuse, no one to check parental behaviour
Its far greater devastation really.. The intense entire toxic negativity of a grown adult unleashed on the softest, mist vulnerable underbelly of a 6 year old, who welcomes it with open arms - because its his mother.
I'm sharing this with my family member whose step son is in crisis due to his narc mother. Sadly he has no idea she is destroying his life and marriage.
I have learned so much through videos on this matter. My ex future mother in law i was told over mothered both him and his brother. I dodnot understand who she was as she was always noce until one day at a dinner the ex did not go but I did. His brother and I went outside to talk since i was having issues with the ex and he seemed impartial and dod not trust his mom she defended him no matter what. Fast forward weeks latter we all sat down to dinner and she drops the bomb an the table in front us all. She looks at him and says did you know your brother and karen were outside the other night together for a long time talking. You could here a pin drop and both boys looked down at the table. I was livid at her insinuation and nothing was said to correct her behavior. For several years we argued about it but he was in full denial she meant any harm. I felt so disrespected. Fast forward a few years and nothing is going well. His mom is making backhanded comments and i was oblivious to this type of manipulation.
He doesn’t need anyone
Or he feels run over.
None of this he said but because i respected her and she was always nice and told me she loved me and was naive i guess. Those words haunted me and i though he did not want me there his actions a sorta matched up though. However he tried to assure me it wasn’t true but the tactic worked and we moved farther apart.
Until yesterday i realized after he admitted his mom was probably trying to break us up but dod not know why she would want to do that. I ended it. His gaslighting and his very own manipulation took its tool on me. I dod finally tell him what i thought about her backhanded comments were meant to do harm and she knew what she was doing. He is so close to her and adores her but I see her for what she is and further more he was raised to protect the abuser and so why he refused to step up. Now i know and although i cried knowing how selfish she is. She has a fun life with an adoring husband they live a life with free masons conventions all over the country. Yet she would come home call these two in for breadcrumbs all the while i waited for him to chose me, to be excited to see me or come to me but it never happened not in a normal sense. Two other siblings one cut her off completely the other keeps her st an arms link. Both of these boys 55 and 63 have had both wives leave them and never successful relationships. I am sad he would not hear me or protect me from those in his family that wanted his energy in a very jealous and selfish way. After all this i have to put the work into me and leave this toxic crap behind.
I can relate to all of this. Go watch “Good intentions life coaching” here on TH-cam. You did the right thing and chose yourself - otherwise you will live in hell for the rest of your life. Go live your life without any drama ✊🏼
I agree with most of what is being conveyed in this video and have witnessed it first hand. The biggest issue is my husband is oblivious to what his mother is doing and seems accepting to the behaviors. There needs to be some clear boundaries set in order for our marriage to work. There are other issues I'm trying to work through with my husband but my energy will not be wasted on this one. Some of the things going on are very uncomfortable and disconcerting. The need to talk on the phone continually throughout the day is beyond me. It's even to the point where there is no conversing, just two adults listening to each other breathe. It gets worst, there has been several times I've had to wake him up to tell him to hang up the phone ....and his mother was still on the other end. This behavior is very inappropriate and unhealthy. I've mentioned it to him and he clearly see no issues. 😮
You are literally describing my mother... Even tho i already understand what i have been going through since my childhood, it still hurts.
i cut ties with my mother after 46 years of emotional abuse 8 days ago. i decided to put my mental health above anyone else. 46 years of abuse from her and 15 years of abuse by my ex covert wife. it's all i could take from abuse.
Things that a mother does for there kids example.. feeding taking care of them and being there for them is what a mother is supposed to do. Don’t make your kids feel guilty for being there.
I lost my son because of this, the abusive influence from his mother. He finally withdrew from me for the last time as I set a boundary in place. I love him so much, and I hope and pray that he will see it all clearly one day. He truly wanted a relationship with me, and did so many things to show it .. but theres been so much damage and brainwashing, and he doesnt see how his actions are wrong towards me .. hes been physical with me and verbal, and doesnt work through things but cuts off the relationship and disappears, and its sadly now come to an end. These mothers are destructive, and they have everyone believing them .. and yes, they get the father to discipline the kids and then tell the kids how abusive the father is. We question how we were with them .. yes, would do things differently, but weren't the monsters we were made out to be. It breaks my heart at the damage done to my children
@@roberts7363 I'm sorry for what you went through. Different in my case. I went against the mother. And the biggest damage was done after I left and had little control over it. I tried to parent, but undermined every step of the way. And sadly, had to finally withdraw several years later to protect myself. I hope you and your father find a way to reach peace and understanding for yourselves and each other.
Um......you sound like a classic narc yourself bud LOL.
You needed to step up and tell your wife to stop her bull in her tracks. But you let her damage your children and you ENABLED her and went along with her. Now you both pay the price v
@@jackgoodings I can totally relate to this. It's like my life you're literally talking about. My mom and dad divorced some years ago.And my mom has never let me see my dad since then. She always tells me so many bad things about him,and says that he was so cruel,hurt her and wicked to her. I still don't know who to believe cuz my whole life,I only heard story from my mom side but never my dad's side.And my dad doesn't seem like all the things she tells me about him. As a teen now I did some research on my dad on Facebook,and found some videos of him , singing hymns with some other members in church.which makes me question everything. She never let's me go to him cuz she tells me that,he or his new wife will brainwash me and I'll forget everything about her. All this horrible words has made me feel so scared of my dad to the point that I don't even wanna see him as I was younger. But now I'm much older and becoming wiser.I'm beginning to realize that my mom must've been the problem,cuz everytime she's always having some argument with a couple of folks,and I begin to realize that she's might be a narcissist,and my dad might have been the innocent one here.Not still sure,but I've made up my mind that when I officially become an adult, I'll visit my dad to hear his side of the story and judge who I should have in my life.
For you, I believe that your son will do the same too.A time will come when he will discover the truth and come back to you. A narcissist is always easy to tell.
I pray God will give your son the courage to make a move away from all the lies he's been hearing, discover the truth,and love you once again as his father!🙏🙏
@@WifeyMamaGrandmayour a clown, and life doesn't work like that. It sounds like you weren't raised or in a relationship with a narcissist
Emotional vaccum. Absolutely spot on
Everything you said I can relate too as his spouse. I am trying to let him heal. He's finally learning to articulate his feelings and to say no. I see every day that he's reclaiming his confidence
We went no contact over a year ago. Perhaps that is what was needed
My narc mom treats my half brother like he’s her husband. It’s so weird. Honestly
My mom and my brother belittled me every chance they got. Mom is deceased and I’ve cut ties with my brother.
This is powerful
This was only half of my N mother brother relationship. The emotional incest was of at very high level yet my brother was always the prince no matter what. I was the first born her daughter who received all her negative abuse including most of Dad's share too because he figured out early on working long hours saved himself from her. Jimmy was invincible until he was replaced by her surprise second born son 13 years later. Sadly early on Jimmy's narcissism became prominent just like our mother and her father and his mother before him.. The healthiest of us all the youngest brother unfortunately married a women with NPD. The typical dynamic reoccurred she cut me out of their life when she realized their daughters and I were bonding well which she struggled with doing herself. I'm still hoping that one day when one of my nieces contacts me or my sister in law dies when I am pretty sure my brother will then want to reconnect with me. I will continue to respect their boundary decision and still pray my brother gets relief from the turmoil he unknowingly thrust on himself reliving our generational curse which I did not repeat.
You have just described my late good husband and the insane narcissistic bi-polar wretch of a mother of his. How he held everything inside of himself, how he was almost unable to open up to others. But one thing that he had was a flash hot temper that would come out of nowhere, then was gone. He would frequently fire back with his temper and almost in a flash totally forgot or was unaware of what he said.
We endured 26 years of that woman after we married who continually tried to tear us apart. And I'll be honest. The day she died I felt zero remorse.
She was a master of laying guilt trip after guilt trip on him.
And more than once I heard "remember that I had him first" that she threw out to me with venom dripping from her cruel mouth.
Lucky and fortunate is the wife who has a loving mother in law as the young man who has a mother and allows him to have his own life when he is grown.
I'm the daughter and I received all of this. My brother as a child and teenager could do no wrong. He was brainwashed to hate my father who was led a dog's life by my mother. As my brother got older, he was showered with gifts and money but the trade off was that he was expected to be at her beck and call and every relationship that he formed was sabotaged. No-one was good enough for him.
Great information.
The unfortunate truth is that a lot of ppl just don’t need to be parents. It’s a demanding job that you need to be in good mental health to do well. It takes a very self-aware person to have children and be committed to not perpetuating the cycle. I came from a dysfunctional family and was terrified of having kids. I didn’t want some poor kid to suffer the worthlessness, pain, loneliness, despair and rejection of self that I felt as a child because, as a parent, I wasn’t strong enough or didn’t have the means, wherewithal, whatever, to ensure the abuse stopped with me. I waited until I ran out of time. And it hurts because I would have liked to have had the experience of being a parent. But I was just too broken and didn’t want to find out - after it was too late - that I was ill-equipped to be a good parent.
Feeling that post. Every word.
Having exactly this dilemma - will I just pass on the pain?
All the best.
My 13 year old stepson has a micromanaging mom that won’t even let him speak with us unless he’s in front of her or anything he messages us through messenger she doesn’t even allow him to write us back. He is always scared that she’s going to know if he tells us what she’s up to but he knows we know and my husband doesn’t know what to do because she will use him to hurt my husband.
Exactly what we are going through
Want to help others. This is what ive learnt. 1) create space and boundaries that wont budge.
2) stop feeding the beast, give no to litlle information
3) dont take on their trauma/projections, Be a hero and see yourself as powerful, dont let them convince you/others of what/who you are.
4) move on mentally, they want to be forefront of mind and they want you to be devoted to their toxicity.
5) understand that their narcissistic tendency comes from their own trauma that they externalised. You have a choice dont internalise or externalise THEIR trauma they give you.
6) dont expect her to change, or to suddenly start loving you. They dont understand love.
7) harder said than done is to find people who cant be manipulated by her.
8) be prepared to lose friends/family, thats their aim, to destabalise your relationships and separate you in order to control you.
9) stop people pleasing. You are beautiful as you are.
10) its not your fault, in fact its nothing really to donwith you.
I love be you my brothers. It is possible to get over this. My soul has grown not diminished, despite all thats happened. Suffering is growth, change your perspective, as hard as this sound forgive, and move on, never look back. ❤
I need to know how to let go, i think both my parents were narcs, father overt, mother covert, your explanations of narccisistic mothers and fathers with thier sons almost perfectly describes what i have experienced, im 37 and only just now really learning about this, I really struggle in life and i knew there had to be a reason why ive been so depressed and addicted to all sorts of bad habbits, i feel completely unloved, un-nurtured, trapped, can`t move forward, and i can`t reach out to anyone, the trauma i suffered as a child/teenager was never addressed. This effects every aspect of my life because i have hardly any self esteem, work, relationships of any kind are hard to keep,
I encourage you to search psychology today online for a therapist in your neck of the woods.
This is all very true and accurate as far as it goes. However, I have noticed a marked absence of research - even acceptance - of narcissistic children being raised by normal parents.
For example, I know a normal, kind, caring mother who is a single parent and is raising a narcissistic child who genetically inherited his narcissistic traits from the absent father. The farther's farther is also narcissistic, so it is most certainly passed down via the male bloodline. Incidentally, the mother has two other children (male and female) from a different man and they are not narcissistic (and nor is their father).
I often wonder, given how reluctant medicine is to diagnose children with narcissism (this child was displaying narcissistic behaviour from the age of 6 years old) how normal parents can/should raise their children, knowing what they will ultimately become and the apparent futility of their love and compassion being endlessly given to these developing narcissists.
Personally, I think medicine needs to move away from 'virtual signaling' and 'jumping on the most recent socially acceptable bandwagon' and get back to diagnosing real things and offering them treatment accordingly. To that end, I would really like to see psychologists consider the reality that very small children can potentially be or become narcissistic, rather than saying that they don't like to 'label' children.
My husband told me that when he was a teenager… His mother literally pushed his girlfriend out the front door!!!
Thank you
A question....so I recently figured out my mother was a narcissist and I was her victim...but I was an even bigger victim of my older brother who is a archetype psychopathic as kids and now as an adult, too.I am curious about the interaction between a narcissist mother and narcissist son???