I learned that at not expecting too much from another human being can help with self acceptance. I always did very well in hook ups but chose not craving for validation any longer. Of course you are sacrificing experiences but got peace. When I see how people stablish "bonds" nowaday makes me not wanting to have something to do with another man. The least thing I would like to do is sharing my household or time with traumatized or trashy people just because having that absurd need to feel validated like some friends of mine.
You're saying the same words I would say, and I think we all felt similar waves of emotions over the last disruptive years. I have become majorly isolated, and tired. Letting go of friends and sad at how easy that is. You are very authentic and honest here without being bitter, which means you still have capacity for hope. 💕
@@saharkhalili5303 Hey there :) thanks so much for your comment! Friendship breakups are definitely a hard one to get over, but always keep hope for the future 😊
My first real friend was made at 16, he was also 16. I had to move away after my mom died and we stayed in touch for a while, but after nearly 40 years, he just didn't seem to care any more. I get a happy birthday or merry christmas once a year these days. I have no friends around me now because those I thought were friends stabbed me everywhere even though I was always good to them. I don't try to date because I've been used and abused by just about everyone I trusted. Sometimes I just have to remind myself that I'm the only one I can count on and be happy with "Facebook Friends", because that's all I have in this world.
Friendship grief definitely isn't talked about enough; it's always really hard knowing you shared great memories with someone who no longer makes an effort
You're a sensitive person, good people tend to become prey to shallow, heartless ones, the massive majority in our species, sadly enough. Don't give up, there are wonderful people out there, stay tuned! The universe is predatory but also magical, we must learn to find the good stuff amid all the darkness, the beams of light.
This is true but the ones who do that are not worthy of being our friends! We can learn to grow in that sort of wisdom which truly help us to live more nurturing lives!
Wow, I have found this very honest open talk immensely helpful, and I am 71 (and gay). Many many thanks for making this video. I would like to add that I think what you are describing is not just a gay issue, but a general societal issue. I get the impression watching others, that loneliness is a part of the modern western human condition. Being gay, or being from another minority group makes dealing with loneliness more problematic though. Your descriptions of feeling rejection after investing in others is very telling to me though. It doesn't necessarily get easier, (I am elderly, gay, HIVpoz and live in a rural community), for me though, such difficult feelings are something that come and go seemingly without pattern. Challenges in life are something we need to face and go through, knowing that we have good days and bad days.
I'm 64, Brazil, I don't know about you but the internet has brought me so much comfort and joy, getting connected to amazing communities and people with related interests! The years prior to it were mostly isolation and gloom for me, even my first boyfriends were through the internet in the late 90's and in the early 2000, then I plunged into two jobs and my life became a gear on the establishment machine((.
I love this sweetie. You are an open book and one of the reasons why I conncet so well with you is because everything you say makes so much sense. Loneliness is one of the biggest issues nowadays and internet is not helping.
You have expressed my experience completely. For many long years I chased after people, thinking that I was a greater part of their lives than I actually was. If I kept up the contact, there was contact, if not, no one would think of sending me a text, email or call. So, I finally decided to stop chasing after people. I too, have three good but geographically distant friends. They are great and we zoom from time to time. Essentially, I feel alone and lonely most of the time, but as I tell myself now, everyone knows where I am and how to get in touch with me and if I ever crossed their minds, they could drop me a line every now and then. Sadly, this includes family as well. Sometimes, one has to come to enjoy one's own company.
Oof, I can relate so much to this as a lonely queer guy with ADHD. Thank you for speaking about this, funnily enough, it made me feel a little less alone to know I'm not alone in feeling so lonely. I subscribed right away and I'm looking forward to checking out more of your content. Thank you for making this podcast and for talking about your experiences and I'm really sorry about what you went through with that "friend" group after experiencing something so awful, btw. I've been SA'd before and I believe you and I'm sorry they didn't and treated you that way instead. My heart goes out to you and I hope some good friends come into your life soon, you deserve them.
Thanks so much for the support Nick :) I´m really sorry to hear you have been through a similar experience! but hopefully brighter days are on the way for both of us 💕
I'm 6 minutes in and your story has me in tears. They're not from pity but from recognition. I too have wondered: "Why?" "What's wrong with me?" "Why can't things be different?* "How is this fair and if nothing's fair what's the point of trying to be a good person?" I understand my friends (all two of them) have their own lives, their own issues, but why can't they find time to be like we used to be! (Covid screwed us all in so many ways!) Sometimes, I get too into my head and wonder if I signed up for this life in a previous existence. Are we in a computer program and if so, who the hell wrote my character? Sorry if my droning on isn't relatable. I'm much older than you, straight, and female. I've never been out of North America. I guess I just wanted you to realize you aren't alone. It feels like it but that's what happens when you're highly sensitive, an introverted creative, and "smarter than the average bear". It's a blessing and a curse. So here's what I'm trying to do: 🔹I'm not helping myself by expecting anything to be different if I don't change my attitude. 🔹That being said, if it ain't broke don't fix it. But if I'm so happy with who I am, why am I so miserable? 🔹I have enjoyed opening myself up to new ideas and different ways of looking at things. I used to beat myself up for saying sorry all the time (i still do it) but I learned it's a habit learned in childhood. Understanding my enneagram & personality type was helpful. (I'm currently figuring out how relevant chí & blocked chakras are to my wellbeing.) I've come to accept I am never going to get married or have kids -- I don't like it but what a relief that I'm not wondering if he's the one or why doesn't he call back? (You're still young so I wouldn't write off true love yet.) It's just feels amazing not to be burdened by expectations. 🔹 I've started to enjoy my life now that I am not trying to live up to expectations (mine or Society's). 🔹And finally, give yourself a break. You're not perfect, you're never going to be perfect, and nobody on this planet is perfect either. So nobody has the right to judge you, not even you. Thanks for giving me space to ramble on. I hope something helps; you've helped me. Thanks for posting it. 💟☮️
Hey there, thanks so much for your response ☺ I´m sorry to hear that you are in a similar boat, I definitely agree on the covid curse as it felt like a lot of friends who were in relationships or a good place in their career really thrived in that time, and I didn´t, so following on its like those years just evaporated. I think you hit the nail on the head with finding enjoyment without the expectations people put on us. It definitely can be a lonely ride sometimes but in not having the pressure of dating there can be a lot of joy built on our own. Here´s to a much better 2025!
@TheQueernessDiaries 🥂i appreciate the reply. Your "lonely ride" comment made me think of road trips -- music blasting, singing at the top of my lungs and driving like a bat outta hell cause it's just me and the road. As you're in Europe, will you be pedaling like mad, singing Puccini or Brecht & Weill?
You are doing well by putting out this vid. Over the years I learned to accept loneliness. I have no friends and I find comfort in food and porn. This vid is not depressing, I see it as a way of you healing yourself and that is way better than what I do. Good on you to share this as others would feel the same. All the best to you.
Thanks a lot Michael! I have definitely learnt to accept loneliness a lot more recently, and trying to find more enjoyment in doing the things I love on my own.
I am a gay man living in Phoenix AZ and can totally relate. It's exactly the same deal here. I have been taking a break from the scene now for the last few months. It becomes very toxic and nasty in those places. As a man of 46 now, I face discrimination due to my age and also I don't have a high-paying job or nice car or fancy place so people are also very judgmental about that. I am really looking to meet a good man with whom I can share my life but it's like looking for a grain of salt in a haystack it seems. I am now trying dating apps since the bars and clubs didn't work out but they are also super toxic and there are even scammers in those apps so you have to be careful. I don't know. I have also lived in other large US cities and it's the same deal. Most gay men are super shallow and judgmental. What's more is that I am masculine and have gotten a lot of criticism for it. I've had men tell me to stop faking it and to start to act "gay". What a joke. Gay men come in all shapes, sizes, and personalities. I also am so tired of them pushing a very close-minded liberal agenda, it's insane. Anyhoo, I totally understand also where you are coming from in terms of friendships. I have few friends but most of the time I am the "initiator". I am the one suggesting we go somewhere, like maybe a concert or play, and most of the time they are unavailable. Let's hope for the best.
I've never seen your content before but I'm so glad you popped up in my feed and that I watched this whole video. I've never resonated more with an online stranger's story before. You are absolutely right that SO MANY people are struggling with this. It's so difficult in the world, especially post-2020 and ESPECIALLY in the gay community to find meaningful connection and conversation. It's easy to find hooks up and people to party with but that is not fulfilling and just leaves us craving real connection even more and feeling lonelier. Please don't ever apologize for sharing your truth and don't ever feel like you're being "depressing" or "too much". I hope that you remove yourself from the lives of anyone who makes you feel like a burden or doesn't show up for you the way you do for them. I know that's so hard when we want to remain connected to what we have and what's familiar but believe me when I say that that is how you reprogram those limiting thoughts about yourself. Those type of one-sided relationships only reinforce the negative thought. Releasing them is how you show YOURSELF that you are worth more effort deserve to be treated as a priority the way you do for others. It also makes room for the people who are going to treat you well to come in to your life. I too wish there were a better or easier way for us to find each other and connect but maybe if enough of us want it, we will develop a way.
Thanks so much for your kind words :) I definitely relate that since covid, the disconnect has just been so big and all I have is the nostalgia for pre covid days for the simpler times. You are so right, I had to accept that my friendships here were surface level and I was investing emotionally into people that only cared to talk about sex, parties and gay events which is fine...but outside of the nightlife/scene they were never there, I realised when anything negative happened in my life none of them checked in whilst I was always there for them, and so gradually I distanced myself and noticed if I didn´t message they never messaged, so that was the confirmation I needed to have to do a reset and start over here.
@@TheQueernessDiaries exactly! So glad you made that decision and hope you understand that they have their own issues preventing them from connecting on a deeper level and showing up for you the way you need. They're (probably) not bad people and it's DEFINITELY not because you aren't good enough or worth the effort. You're just not at the same place and thus incompatible but we all want connection so we settle. Please don't go chasing the good old days! It only gets better! ☺️🌄❤️🔥 th-cam.com/video/x71dDdmJaPk/w-d-xo.htmlsi=8fCL3BQ-APFamaSD
I think the fundamental reason why gay men in particular are lonely, is their desire for sex with as many hook ups as possible. Gay men in general, are extremely promiscuous and personally I find it weird but that's me, I'm old school in those regards. I'm gay, I've never been into the whole hook up, cruising and casual sex scene, nor do I find an attractive trait in a person. Gay men are always looking for the next best thing, even those in a relationship rarely fully commit and are window shopping at every opportunity and I say this from experience but not as the person seeking to stray or be unfaithful as I have never cheated on a partner and never would. I wish things were different within the LGBT community, particularly Gay men, whereby they were seeking substance and commitment, longevity and a relationship whereby you possess an unbreakable bond, but that appears to be truly rare. Finding someone with deep morals and foundations within the gay community, a person who will remain loyal and true, faithful and fully committed, is nearing impossible. I'm 41, I came out when I was around 16 and in all those years, I have been in 3 serious relationships and 2 that didn't amount to anything serious. I have slept with 5 people since I became sexually active and I'm proud of that fact, as it means I have deep morals and self respect. Sadly, all my relationships ended due to infidelity, with my last relationship lasting 12 years and it then came out that he'd met over 50 men via hook up sites, in parks and public toilets and it shattered my whole existence and broke me beyond belief. I will be perfectly honest in that I felt terribly alone in that relationship, disengaged and lonely, but not because my own feelings had disappeared, but because I knew he was talking to other men whilst I slept or was at work. I caught him several times and kept giving him chances, something I regret now as I basically facilitated his mistreatment of me by forgiving him. People will treat you how you allow them to, and if you forgive them easily after they break you, they will do it again and again and again. I do know of gay relationships that have lasted, with both partners being totally in love and wouldn't dream of looking in another person's direction, and it's beautiful to see. But it's so rare, and it's terribly sad and tragic, because if more gay men stuck to one partner, stayed true and loyal, and weren't hung up so much on looks, youth, sex and an unfounded belief that they'll find better, well a lot more gay men would grow old together and wouldn't feel so alone. Social media, hook up apps and the internet in general, has paved the way for most of these behaviours and made it easier for people to seek out sex on tap, but porn has also destroyed mindsets as it's given a lot of men a complex and a false narrative of how sex should be approached. To me, sex should be meaningful and be between two consenting adults who have a deep connection and love for each other, but for most gay men, it's just sex, and you are a piece of meat to them.
Thank you for sharing. My values are like yours. You are appreciated. Refreshing to know that there are great gay men like you with honorable and righteous values. I never cheated on my ex, and after 18 years together, I found out and it devastated me…still healing but finding my way, my inner love and power to thrive alone with great friends 💜
@PhoenixRising-ve2nx I am truly sorry to hear that mate, it's soul destroying isn't it, and the PTSD it causes, is very real. Whilst knowing the truth breaks us, we deserve to know and should know, to allow us to move on and walk away. Thank you for your lovely comment, it means a lot ❤️
So powerful to listen to you expressing your truth so authentically and vulnerably! That need for authentic expression, physical connection and empowering each other in a community resonates a lot! In a world that is changing rapidly, we need more and more to connect to our bodies and other bodies, and allowing ourselves to be seen, which creates intimacy (in-to-me-seeing). To my perspective, what you have shared is a total reminder that we are not alone, rather so much interconnected! There is so much power in feeling that void/loneliness. Maybe that's an invitation to allow something fresh and new to emerge? I love to see you shining and exploring🌟
@bersgjashta3954 Thanks so much for your comment :) honestly it's been amazing how many people have reached out from this video. At the time, it just felt like a vent I needed to have, but it has resonated with a lot if people
@uptoncriddington6939 That is so true! I think one of the lessons I've learnt is that it's ok not to expect the same amount back from someone you're giving, and many people are just meant to become acquaintances.
thank u for this! I've had this problem all my life... I feel like everyone will abandon me and that I can't have trust in anyone because I always give so much and get little back although I don't have such high standards from my friends. It is a prevalent feeling in the community to consistently feel disconnected and emotionally dysregulated but it's also very normal because so many of us have to hide and isolate to survive or feel safe. The best thing any of us can do is to be active, have hobbies, travel, and test ourselves constantly by booking random voluntary trips for example, or joining book clubs idk lol. I really hope we can find the right people who are our safe space, who inspire us and make us feel seen, heard and supported
That´s so true! I think the best thing to do is to live as full of a life as possible by finding the enjoyment in the things we enjoy, and then if we meet people along the way that add to it it´s a bonus! :)
I am a 73-year-old gay man, single for years, and I so relate to your thoughts and feelings. What I have realized is that my loneliness will never be removed by connections with others, only through a deeper connection with myself and my higher power (or God if you prefer).
@@bruceharrottassociates3854 Building a connection with ourselves is the deepest and most fulfilling one we can have. I'm working on doing it myself so still have a way to go yet :)
That's true indeed but we can also learn to tap to the forces that connect us with amazing people who can grow together with us, as true friends or more!
I've been dealing with the same thing, I've delt with depression and suicidal ideation for 10 years now because of the loneliness, I thought I'd graduate from my catholic high school and go to college and meet gay people there, and be able to get a high paying job to move to a city. But none of that ever happened, between my adhd and covid happening right as I entered I just couldn't keep up with college no matter how hard I tried, not even a community college. I've gone down a very dark path the past few years, I was very addicted to porn and weed but I've been trying to replace those with lifting and art. Still it's not enough, I still live with my parents at 24 and feel like a child. On the brightside, the only thing I could think to do is follow my dreams, I'm making a comic, something I always wanted to do, but it seems like being an artist unlocks a whole new level of anxiety. I don't even look at the apps anymore I think I probably have rsd too, though everyone I match with is like 3 hours away anyway. I'm still young, I feel like I'm wasting my youth like I could be doing better but everything I try it just feels like I slide right back down into this hole. I never imagined my life would turn out like this.
@19mduffy I'm sorry to hear you are going through it right now. Definitely keep it up with the comic as you never know where it could lead, and the skills we learn along the way
@19mduffy I'm sorry to hear you are going through it right now, sending love from Spain. Definitely keep up with the comic as you never know where it could lead and you can make a portfolio showing your art. Even though my video was a depressive rant I can relate to you a lot as I was in the same position at 24. At 24 I was extremely depressed in my small town with no way of escape, and even though things have not had the best turn as in my vid, I was 25 when I packed up and moved to Madrid. So there is always the chance to start up a new life :)
@@TheQueernessDiaries Thank you for the reply, I'll keep on keepin on, I wish the best for you too. I find a strange irony in that we can find such comradery through sharing our feelings through a platform that also serves to distract us from real life and separate us. I think you're using it in a positive way and I hope you've found meaning in that, I think we need more of this kind of thing.
Subscribed. Such a brave and important - and often totally disregarded - talking point. I loved that you talked about this so openly, thank you. I think there's a whole myriad of points here. Not fitting in, fear of rejection, the passing of years, the cultural shifts etc etc. The whole gay culture thing - I find it's superfast and built purely around sex. And a lot of people get trapped in this cycle because they think that's what they have to do (as opposed to what they actually want to do) I've heard so many gay people talk about friendship as 'boring' but lacking the emotional maturity for relationships lasting beyond a few 'dates' and it's becoming more common now for talk about romance as being the fault of Heteronormativity (I mean jeez even a sweet and wholesome show like Heartstopper is classed by some in the same terms). So the outcome? Frankly fairly empty lives built around fleeting encounters. Soulless. Devoid. Lacking. And then there's the issue that it's harder in societial terms to find meaningful friendships as an adult with anybody. The gay scene has always created a sense of 'emptiness' in me so I avoid the pub/club scene totally and all the desolate soul crushing apps. Sorry stream of consciousness there. But I feel your post. I think a lot of people will.
@@ollielikes2sing Thanks a lot for your comment :) and yes totally relate! I have found the friendships I built when I moved to Madrid at 25 completely evaporated as soon as covid hit and I expected more emotional support, I put a lot into my friendships but to them I was just someone to hit the gay clubs with. And with my straight friends as I have gotten older, they have settled into parenthood and married life so being the only single one there isnt much in common any more. I've definitely become more of a loner and learnt to expect less from people now.
Hi Connor, Thank you for the share! ❤❤ It sounds to me like you're changing and growing, I somewhat understand how you feel. I always love being alone, perhaps because of the rejections I learned much earlier in life. In my experience, I personally never found the gay community to be my cup of tea. So, I ended up picking my people with different criteria. I wish you all the best in the process :).
Thanks a lot Kevin :) I am learning to enjoy being on my own more to as time goes on, I think the friendship grief of the last few years has been mourned at this point so I can start enjoy the things I like on my own :)
We may be brothers from another mother. I feel so fortunate to have come across your channel. Always call, never called absolutely invisible. I have been ill for 7 years , have one son 22 years old who lives with his wealthy mother while I live 200 miles away in near poverty with about 3 years to live and most of the time theve both blocked me on their phones and emails. And never have they (this I would find almost impossible to believe, but I assure you its true) during this six or seven years of illness neither have ONCE asked after my health. I know I have to walk away but I have only shared 2 percent of the story. Was thinking of writing a book, but then awhile back I decided to start my only channel that is like spoken word life story, not is strict order but jumping around and infusing humor as oiften as possible. I just think too there are so many of us of my age group late 50's andd early sixties that had no rights in the 70's and 80,s and we were dealing with full blown aids and attending funerals of friends on a monthly basis. I always wantedd a child, but living the gay lifestyle would never have had that option. The only way was to bury who the real Jay was and marry and live normally. I chose the second route, did fall trully in love with a woman whom I married, had a very good marriage of 16 years, finally got pregnant and divorced when my son was one. I was left with very little......anyway to wrap it up, so many of my generation took the same route and in doing so look back almost in horror that we lost the best years of our lives, while we were still young, and desired because wwe had only 2 choices. And there are no guarantees of course, my son doesn't speeak to me, bullies me (Not because of being gay, no problem tere) i must stop now. Remember "Never allow another to establish your worth" and to you podcast maestro, thank you and do me a favor, these experiences we all share are inherantly depresing and sad and were all donniee downers I'm sure but don't ever apologize at the end of every segment for sharing your truths. No its not pretty, ofter life isn't. You have the guts to strip naked and expose your most painful and personal life experiences and in doing so people like me will come out of the suffering lonely second closet and many before me qand many after will, mainly because of your willingness to expose yourself so honestly, and yes sometimes almost too hard to hear but only because so much is like looking in our mirrors. Thank you again, and thank you for your lovely comments of encouragments. Jy
Hey Jay, thanks so much for commenting and sharing your story. While it is hard to put our stories out into the world, there is definitely a power that comes from being able to express what we are going through. I am really sorry for your situation with your family and hope things can improve. I do think that writing helps a lot to get the emotion out, I am not great at writing myself so I usually will do a ramble like this video aha but having an outlet to pour the raw emotions into definitely serves as a kind of therapy.
Hey man…Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities and I applaud you for being self aware. I experienced this and the loneliness still comes and I’ve been single for quite a while now and it’s hard specially with the gay male community to find connections and even dating. But pls be strong and don’t loose hope and stay true to you and don’t be afraid to set your boundaries and lean into your self worth regardless of how alone we feel… the right people will come along eventually. Sending love❤
Thanks so much for your kind words :) I can relate with the gay dating world, I think setting my boundaries is what has caused this loneliness as I am so careful of who is genuinely coming into my life, which can be make it isolating, but hopefully rewarding for the future!
just drop your trousers mate and a little buggery will surely come along. Buggering after all is what its all about so by george off you go and be quick at it.
Feeling disconnected with the world is a getting older thing and nothing really to do with being homosexual. Being a teen or early twenties you feel part of the world: the music, the nightlife, the fashion are all youth orientated. One loses that doing things as a gang experience. All with basically the same tastes etc. Being an adult, if you’re not in a family unit, no matter what form that takes, is a lonely thing. The culture surrounding you stops being a crutch, or rather, that culture evaporates as the next generation steps out in its new fashions and passions.
Hello Conor, i went back to your first video to look up your name as they are important, for identity, but also as a powerful gateway to open the lines of communication, likely as it's been the familiar static for all of your life. i'm glad you're doing your diary and i feel like connecting to humans in any way is good for you, it has been for me when i help people, worldwide, and loneliness is a worldwide problem, please do not feel solo in it. i sympathise, directly, with the disappointment of putting energy into people and them vanishing, even that pre-diagnosed autistic little boy i used to look after on a Wednesday after school, with my own kids, who was a real challenge..., you leave the area, country in my case, the parents stop replying. i get you. i mourn the not-yet-dead octogenarian-American-friend, Jack, who stopped replying, every time i want to send him something on the ever dementing American politic situation. solution? i expect nothing back now, even of my romantic partners, when you split up, 'hell hath no fury', no good deed will be remembered, at least not at first.... I do things for 'my own' endorphins, 'my own' dopamine, my own satisfaction. that is key. i should divulge, if still reading..., that i'm not an expert, i'm writing a relationship book, which focuses on self improvement, first, before meeting 'anyone'. the last nearly two years, since my own awful breakup, visible-crepitus-heartbreak included, sympathy again, but find it's been rewarding to connect and help people and i no longer even feel a need to dig out a partner from dating detritus.... another key would be to do things for others, strangers, maybe that elderly neighbour downstairs likely has some great, distracting, maybe slightly rude stories. i also wonder why you've found yourself in a foreign country, i write about connecting with 'the girl next door' so, similar background, same language, race, culture, education, intellect, anything out of your own 'similarity', becomes an 'incompatibility', and it's already hard enough to meet and live with another human as it is. short of 'the cops' being after you in England... i would return in order to find your 'boy next door'. your video diary is one thing, but i would also encourage journaling with more tactile media (pen and paper) you can read more, but essentially it moves a body trauma into a more cerebral place, that process allows you to process and therefore placate and calm the anxiety. speaking of this, your ADHD symptoms, (or Hyper Vigilance as i call it), this is likely trauma based, i hear about your recent adult trauma, your recent relationship trauma, but healing that childhood trauma would be a key turning point in your life, talk therapy would be indicated, firstly, as always. clean Diet(low carb), clean lifestyle(no addictive molecules) and training with weights (for all humans) are the fundamentals for good brain health. lots of wider reading there. i'll read the Washington Post article on Gay Loneliness and see if i can help further in that specific regard, however, i feel loneliness is a general human issue as others have said here. (PS i'm looking for an editor/readers too if you want to help, again, helping others is the single best thing for depressive episodes, as well as the above neurotransmitters you also get oxytocin and serotonin - pretty much everything you could want, just from helping others). Sincerely, humbley, hope that helps, Anton - (i'll be in touch with the paperwork).
Hey Anton, thanks so much for the comment and sharing your story! I think one thing many of us can relate to, but isn´t discussed enough can be friendship breakups. There is no guidebook on how to deal with them, and often they sting even more than a normal breakup that usually has closure and some finality to it, so navigating life after them whilst remembering the good times can be a challenge. I definitely think focusing on a healthy lifestyle helps a lot, from keeping up with the gym to diet, I definitely am feeling a little better since cutting out alcohol in the summer, though feelings of loss and grief still hit at times.
I think this is more common than we think, I do emphatise with you and feel the same way at times. Since having dogs though, I have been thinking of it less and diverted my focus on me and my dogs, the people that are there, and hopefully, the right people or friends will come to my life one day.
I know a lot can happen in a few months, so maybe you're in a completely different place today. Since you didn't seam very satisfied with how it was, I hope so for you. Anyway - thank you for sharing this video. Loneliness is such a taboo topic (both in general and in. the LGBTQ+ community) and to me it's been so hard to even think in terms of loneliness for myself. So, thank you for being part of opening up for this kind of conversations, and to do it completely honest and not to hide it in a humorous tone or what so ever. It will take time to heal from that kind of trauma, but you'll get there, bit by bit ❤ and the s*it we don't heal from, we learn to live with in one way or another. (Btw I loved what you said about the most broken people giving the best advices since we're so used to it). And I really hope you've found a way without substances (oversharing: my ex was addicted to meds and alcohol, and it was terrible standing by her side feeling so powerless. That's why my heart's always aching when I hear people that can't find any other way to cope). And gosh, I just mirror myself in you so much when you're talking about being a bit "rushed" in new relationships and always thinking it is (about to become) a real friendship. I've worked so hard the past couple of years to not get too clingy. But that feels so strange too, to purposely building a wall from both sides so I won't scare people away by coming off as expecting more than they're willing to give. And tbh, I think that's made me kind of cold and distanced even to those I do have around. There's definitely something off with that true and deep connection you were talking about, and I miss it sooooo bad. Guess I'm kinda oversharing right now, but here y'all go 🙈 Btw - you wanted your podcast to fly, so what's it called? ☺
@mikaelathunell2822 Hey there. Thanks so much for your comment, it really resonated with me a lot! And its definitely something that you just get used to more I guess. I've really worked this year on trying to enjoy my own company a lot more and learning to do the things I love to do on my own, so if I meet new friends it's just a bonus.
@@mikaelathunell2822 And definitely know that feeling of rushing into new friendships then not wanting to come across clingy. I am definitely trying to work on finding a balance between feeling like I'm forcing the relationship and appearing cold/uninterested from putting my walls up too much.
I know how you feel. I am hypersensitive. I have felt this way at first. My last group of friends I hung out often with was ALSO back in 2015. Interesting. I am a straight female. Dude.. it IS never enough. People are also scared to open up these days. Straight dudes play this facade of confidence that immediately irritates me. Your own company is precious , embrace the happiness of your own solace. You are awesome.. I can tell.. reserve that awesome energy for people worthy of that energy but that starts with focusing that energy on yourself and enjoying life solo.
@SaturnCrashing Yeah its always sad drifting apart from a group of friends. Its very true that finding joy in the things you love to do on your own is super important, if we meet anyone to enjoy them with along the way thats a bonus!
As a 64-year-old, I can assure you that your priorities may shift considerably with time, especially if you have to focus on the basic aspects of our survival and even more so when one’s parents and/or most of one’s closest relatives are gone. If even now you’re already learning to be more selective about whom you allow into your life, let alone after decades of bitter experiences with the worst of human nature ... Although some may argue that the internet hasn’t helped much, I fully disagree! I remember well enough how far worse it was before it! Now I can do web activism for the several causes I defend and learn so many captivating subjects in a far more interesting way, with documentaries, etc. I also can find people with the same interests in each field of knowledge I’m keen on. I can also detach myself more easily when I notice some web friendship has become really toxic, another huge plus of making friends over the web, sparing us a lot of exhausting experiences which often leave deep, indelible marks on those who are more sensitive and emotionaly-driven, my case as well. However, unlike you, I do believe in interdimensional stuff and this has also helped me to filter those I should allow or not into my life but in romantic terms I became polyamorous about ten years ago - even if just in theory cause I’ve also distanced myself from such sort of relations ever since I’ve had to focus on my survival as a retiree, so mine wouldn’t be the same sort of problems a monogamous person usually finds when trying to engage in romantic relations. However, I’ve noticed amazing young, attractive people who have a somewhat good life in material terms suffering from lonelines coming out on TH-cam, that really breaks my heart but I also believe that by sharing their stories, they start having some sort of connection with these followers, though the depth of the latter will hinge on how they’ll be able to develop it through time. Following you and hoping to find you fulfilling your live with all the nurturing you need! Keep us posted! A big Brazilian hug (we latinos are really into this sort of stuff😉) P.S.: You're so handsome!
Hey there :) thank you so much for being so open and supportive! This is the great thing about TH-cam and talking about mental health, there are so many kind people out there who can relate. Wishing you a happy holidays :)
@@TheQueernessDiaries Thank you, handsome, you too! May this solstice bring you all the fulfilling experiences you need but also the intuition to avoid all the many dark traps from this most predatory universe💙💜🙏 I hope I pull it off to get your notifications as often as possible, sometimes I simply don't get any whatsoever from the many channels I follow for months in a row, sigh.
Hello! I suffered the same kind of isolation during a chaotic time in my life. I still feel the consequences, and I still tend to distance myself from people. I realize that it is common in our 30s. I also realize that I need to change the way I approach people. I'm usually feeling some kind of reactivity, anger, hurt, and other feelings of defensiveness. Natural for anyone who has felt strongly coerced at some point in their life, or throughout their life (common in the gay experience and other experiences of exclusion). Furthermore, reviewing behaviors is always interesting, as it shows humility in the desire to be open with people. Realize that ADHD provides another level of experience with life, and if you are not in a good place, the mess and internal disorder become an avalanche. It is always important to be in psychological support and taking care of the bodies where we live (physical body, our home and other spaces we occupy). It is important to understand why we feel needy and empty, so we can use this self-consciousness to move us through life and as a driving force for a turning point about self love. I know it's a cliché, but it really worked for me to learn to look fondly at the inner child that I still am, who felt and still feels rejected, and embrace it. Only we ourselves can do this difficult work. Still, this may not be enough, and that is why the journey continues and we must always seek to improve ourselves, even if this improvement involves learning to respect our processes. I believe that when we learn (or remember) how to love, we connect with people who also want to share love. Ultimately, I believe that the way of life and values we live in this current society has been a great source of isolation and sadness. I have tried to go against this wave, having attitudes that are coherent with my feelings of positive affection, being a proponent of a different world, and no longer a passive person who is just thrown from one side to the other in this sea of people who are fighting each other trying to get rid of your resentments. I know that I won't always receive immediate feedback from those who receive this affection, but I know that my actions resonate and if there's more people doing the same, in someway I will receive it back. And I have trained myself to be ok and happy that I don't feel anxious about receiving it back immediataly, as long as it doesn't harm me, of course (always remember self-love). Thanks for to be here sharing.
Hey Felipe, thank you for sharing such a thoughtful and vulnerable reflection, it means a lot! I think one of the most difficult things as we go into our 30s as gay men, can be that longing for younger days and feeling more disconnected around our friends who are settling down with families. And when chaotic times have shaped the last few years, it can lead to an even bigger yearning for the old days whilst being very hesitant to open up around new people due to the rejection experienced in those hard times. I think it´s very true that as seek to improve ourselves, we start setting ourselves up for better relationships in the future, and a lot of the friendships we lost along the way just served their purpose for that chapter of our lives.
I’m totally convinced that it’s difficult/ impossible to have a friendship with another gay guy. Just as I think it’s the same with straight guys and women ..
I hope you’re are feeling more clarity around this of course it’s a journey and I think it absolutely has taken courage to speak about your experiences and open up, it touches people - watching this is made me feel a little less alone with similar experiences I felt I could relate to a lot of what you were saying as a gay man even down to how you articulate things ! does this account have an Instagram account or podcast ? ☺️
Hey Christian, thanks so much for your comment :) I am definitely feeling better these days than when I made the video, but I left it up as it´s an important one about how friendship breakups sometimes sting the most. I haven´t made an instagram for the podcast yet just a spotify account and then my regular insta :)
The last time I had a true core group of friends, including a couple of gay friends, was in high school. I moved countries for university and made "friends" that were not actually friends, except for one person who is terribly and wonderfully chaotic, which means we don't talk often, but when we do, it's really deep and fulfilling. Since then, I've just had trouble building real relationships with people because I'm a bit of an introvert and it's just tough to find a good balance between frequent social interaction and solitary time to recharge and just be in silence. I really only have a possibility of work friendships, which can sometimes feel like an extension of work. Gay friendships are kind of impossible because hookup culture has almost totally destroyed gay spaces and I don't really want to go on a date to see if it doesn't work out romantically, but we might possibly be able to become friends. Like, it's a lot, so I've kind of just pulled back and become friends with my family, which is great but also difficult to navigate because family sometimes loves to tear down your independence without even realizing it. I feel like if I was a woman, this would be so much easier to figure out.
I can definitely relate to building friendships with family. I think friendship grief can hit really hard and for me it is definitely been a mourning process letting go on the friendships that were once so close 5...10 years ago
I am in the same place and have been it seems forever. Loneliness is a painful and tortuous place to exist. I find I can go a week without speaking. I can’t comment further it’s too hard. I will again.
It's insane to me that the loneliness that you can feel when you are on your own is less painful than being the loneliness that you feel when you are in a group of 'friends'
Hi, I recently attended a course about Core Transformation, which is all about transforming unwanted emotions, behaviours or thoughts. The basic idea is that every part of ourselves has a positive intention, and in fact wants some core state of beingness, such as love, peace, oneness etc. If you are curious about it or would like to talk, let me know. You seem pretty cool, and I would like to be friends if you are open to that, and I could also use the practice of guiding people through core transformation if that is something you are potentially interested in. I am in New Zealand so time zones might make things interesting, but if it seems like something you might be open to, let me know.
Hey there, thanks a lot for your comment. That sounds like it was an incredible experience for you, I am happy it has had such a great impact and the emphasis of positive intention. I´m definitely in a better place than when I made this video myself but still a journey to go yet :) And yes always happy to meet new friends for all over!
@@TheQueernessDiaries Awesome! I am super glad that you are in a better place now!!! I watched a more recent video of you doing a podcast and you seemed a lot happier. I only really discovered podcasts recently, when watching the hundredth episode of Where are all my friends. I think it is a really cool format, people sharing life experiences, and a lot of times seems like entertaining conversations between friends. So fantastic that you are a podcaster! My name is Raymond, I usually go by Ray. Thank you very much for your reply!!! Would love to chat with you sometime. :)
@teselentai9104 Yes definitely feeling better than in the Spring thank you :) Having a podcast/vlog is definitely a great way to engage with people from the community, and also have important discussions along the way. I was surprised how many people hace been through something similar. And for sure, very nice to virtually meet you Ray :)!
Fox I totally relate - how about turning to a Higher Power, animals, nature and some form of art - writing as an example You might just be in a higher level than most ‘people’ - I’ve been where you are. Take care. Bless
The problem for gays is that we live in a ghetto clubs ,and meetings we do not have contact with the whole world, only with each other. Our loneliness results from this fact.
Do the people you want to be friends with have to fellow gay men? If so, the basis of the commonality is his also being gay, that isn’t likely to be enough for the basis of a deeper more meaningful friendship. I’m gay but don’t have gay friends per se, but among my friends are a few gay men. What about common interests beyond being sexually attracted to men?
Hint, there is no such thing as the Gay Community. It’s merely an activist notion which doesn’t really fit a lot of gay people because people are people first not who they are attracted to first.
Hey James :) thanks a lot for your comment, I am feeling in a better place than when I filmed the video luckily, still have lonely days but have gotten more at peace with it.
I'm thinking like the people you see in your life are the random ones. People in your comments are more like a filtered version of that randomness. Because we are making choices in some way that the algorithm can catch our personalities, identities, and preferences so that it can show us certain content that we would like. And even clicking on this video or your channel is a choice, so there is curiosity, familiarity, and expectations behind it. I'm not gay but I'm interested to hear other voices because we are people and we shouldn't discriminate each other just because of our preferences, that's pathetic. What I can suggest you is to realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, your life and your preferences. Just stick to what you are doing and exclude yourself from toxic environments. The most horrible thing you can do to yourself is being around people that you are not enjoying just to be "fit" in. Please don't do that. Don't try to catch something, do your thing and let your people find you.
Maybe its time to search for a faith community that works for. Because I believe in God and that he is real I talk to him all the time and listen to gospel music all the time. It makes me happy
Thanks for this video, I can relate to it a lot. I'm not sure if you have ever heard of the hedgehog's dilemma (or sometimes called the porcupine's dilemma) but sounds like this is what you are describing here en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedgehog%27s_dilemma. It can be so hard to reach out when you have been hurt so much in the past, but I guess it's trying to find of the balance of protecting yourself enough but not to completly shut out others, and closing yourself off to new experiences.
I learned that at not expecting too much from another human being can help with self acceptance. I always did very well in hook ups but chose not craving for validation any longer. Of course you are sacrificing experiences but got peace.
When I see how people stablish "bonds" nowaday makes me not wanting to have something to do with another man. The least thing I would like to do is sharing my household or time with traumatized or trashy people just because having that absurd need to feel validated like some friends of mine.
You're saying the same words I would say, and I think we all felt similar waves of emotions over the last disruptive years. I have become majorly isolated, and tired. Letting go of friends and sad at how easy that is. You are very authentic and honest here without being bitter, which means you still have capacity for hope. 💕
@@saharkhalili5303 Hey there :) thanks so much for your comment! Friendship breakups are definitely a hard one to get over, but always keep hope for the future 😊
My first real friend was made at 16, he was also 16. I had to move away after my mom died and we stayed in touch for a while, but after nearly 40 years, he just didn't seem to care any more. I get a happy birthday or merry christmas once a year these days. I have no friends around me now because those I thought were friends stabbed me everywhere even though I was always good to them. I don't try to date because I've been used and abused by just about everyone I trusted. Sometimes I just have to remind myself that I'm the only one I can count on and be happy with "Facebook Friends", because that's all I have in this world.
Friendship grief definitely isn't talked about enough; it's always really hard knowing you shared great memories with someone who no longer makes an effort
You're a sensitive person, good people tend to become prey to shallow, heartless ones, the massive majority in our species, sadly enough.
Don't give up, there are wonderful people out there, stay tuned! The universe is predatory but also magical, we must learn to find the good stuff amid all the darkness, the beams of light.
With every passing year, more people will reject us and ignore us - this is why youth was a precious time that is quickly lost
This is true but the ones who do that are not worthy of being our friends! We can learn to grow in that sort of wisdom which truly help us to live more nurturing lives!
Wow, I have found this very honest open talk immensely helpful, and I am 71 (and gay). Many many thanks for making this video. I would like to add that I think what you are describing is not just a gay issue, but a general societal issue. I get the impression watching others, that loneliness is a part of the modern western human condition. Being gay, or being from another minority group makes dealing with loneliness more problematic though. Your descriptions of feeling rejection after investing in others is very telling to me though. It doesn't necessarily get easier, (I am elderly, gay, HIVpoz and live in a rural community), for me though, such difficult feelings are something that come and go seemingly without pattern. Challenges in life are something we need to face and go through, knowing that we have good days and bad days.
I'm 64, Brazil, I don't know about you but the internet has brought me so much comfort and joy, getting connected to amazing communities and people with related interests! The years prior to it were mostly isolation and gloom for me, even my first boyfriends were through the internet in the late 90's and in the early 2000, then I plunged into two jobs and my life became a gear on the establishment machine((.
I love this sweetie. You are an open book and one of the reasons why I conncet so well with you is because everything you say makes so much sense. Loneliness is one of the biggest issues nowadays and internet is not helping.
Thanks so much hun
I'm gay, and physically disabled. I know how you feel!!
I've got an autoimmune, degenerative condition, almost died back in 2013, you're not alone! A big hug!
You have expressed my experience completely. For many long years I chased after people, thinking that I was a greater part of their lives than I actually was. If I kept up the contact, there was contact, if not, no one would think of sending me a text, email or call. So, I finally decided to stop chasing after people. I too, have three good but geographically distant friends. They are great and we zoom from time to time. Essentially, I feel alone and lonely most of the time, but as I tell myself now, everyone knows where I am and how to get in touch with me and if I ever crossed their minds, they could drop me a line every now and then. Sadly, this includes family as well. Sometimes, one has to come to enjoy one's own company.
My best friends live in other countries, I've never been abroad and we've never met but they've given me emotional support when nobody near me did!
Oof, I can relate so much to this as a lonely queer guy with ADHD. Thank you for speaking about this, funnily enough, it made me feel a little less alone to know I'm not alone in feeling so lonely. I subscribed right away and I'm looking forward to checking out more of your content.
Thank you for making this podcast and for talking about your experiences and I'm really sorry about what you went through with that "friend" group after experiencing something so awful, btw. I've been SA'd before and I believe you and I'm sorry they didn't and treated you that way instead. My heart goes out to you and I hope some good friends come into your life soon, you deserve them.
Thanks so much for the support Nick :)
I´m really sorry to hear you have been through a similar experience! but hopefully brighter days are on the way for both of us 💕
I'm 6 minutes in and your story has me in tears. They're not from pity but from recognition. I too have wondered: "Why?" "What's wrong with me?" "Why can't things be different?* "How is this fair and if nothing's fair what's the point of trying to be a good person?"
I understand my friends (all two of them) have their own lives, their own issues, but why can't they find time to be like we used to be! (Covid screwed us all in so many ways!)
Sometimes, I get too into my head and wonder if I signed up for this life in a previous existence. Are we in a computer program and if so, who the hell wrote my character?
Sorry if my droning on isn't relatable. I'm much older than you, straight, and female. I've never been out of North America.
I guess I just wanted you to realize you aren't alone. It feels like it but that's what happens when you're highly sensitive, an introverted creative, and "smarter than the average bear". It's a blessing and a curse.
So here's what I'm trying to do:
🔹I'm not helping myself by expecting anything to be different if I don't change my attitude. 🔹That being said, if it ain't broke don't fix it. But if I'm so happy with who I am, why am I so miserable?
🔹I have enjoyed opening myself up to new ideas and different ways of looking at things.
I used to beat myself up for saying sorry all the time (i still do it) but I learned it's a habit learned in childhood. Understanding my enneagram & personality type was helpful. (I'm currently figuring out how relevant chí & blocked chakras are to my wellbeing.)
I've come to accept I am never going to get married or have kids -- I don't like it but what a relief that I'm not wondering if he's the one or why doesn't he call back?
(You're still young so I wouldn't write off true love yet.) It's just feels amazing not to be burdened by expectations.
🔹 I've started to enjoy my life now that I am not trying to live up to expectations (mine or Society's).
🔹And finally, give yourself a break. You're not perfect, you're never going to be perfect, and nobody on this planet is perfect either. So nobody has the right to judge you, not even you.
Thanks for giving me space to ramble on. I hope something helps; you've helped me. Thanks for posting it. 💟☮️
Hey there, thanks so much for your response ☺
I´m sorry to hear that you are in a similar boat, I definitely agree on the covid curse as it felt like a lot of friends who were in relationships or a good place in their career really thrived in that time, and I didn´t, so following on its like those years just evaporated.
I think you hit the nail on the head with finding enjoyment without the expectations people put on us. It definitely can be a lonely ride sometimes but in not having the pressure of dating there can be a lot of joy built on our own. Here´s to a much better 2025!
@TheQueernessDiaries 🥂i appreciate the reply. Your "lonely ride" comment made me think of road trips -- music blasting, singing at the top of my lungs and driving like a bat outta hell cause it's just me and the road. As you're in Europe, will you be pedaling like mad, singing Puccini or Brecht & Weill?
You are doing well by putting out this vid. Over the years I learned to accept loneliness. I have no friends and I find comfort in food and porn. This vid is not depressing, I see it as a way of you healing yourself and that is way better than what I do. Good on you to share this as others would feel the same. All the best to you.
Thanks a lot Michael! I have definitely learnt to accept loneliness a lot more recently, and trying to find more enjoyment in doing the things I love on my own.
Amen 🙏
I am a gay man living in Phoenix AZ and can totally relate. It's exactly the same deal here. I have been taking a break from the scene now for the last few months. It becomes very toxic and nasty in those places. As a man of 46 now, I face discrimination due to my age and also I don't have a high-paying job or nice car or fancy place so people are also very judgmental about that. I am really looking to meet a good man with whom I can share my life but it's like looking for a grain of salt in a haystack it seems. I am now trying dating apps since the bars and clubs didn't work out but they are also super toxic and there are even scammers in those apps so you have to be careful. I don't know. I have also lived in other large US cities and it's the same deal. Most gay men are super shallow and judgmental. What's more is that I am masculine and have gotten a lot of criticism for it. I've had men tell me to stop faking it and to start to act "gay". What a joke. Gay men come in all shapes, sizes, and personalities. I also am so tired of them pushing a very close-minded liberal agenda, it's insane. Anyhoo, I totally understand also where you are coming from in terms of friendships. I have few friends but most of the time I am the "initiator". I am the one suggesting we go somewhere, like maybe a concert or play, and most of the time they are unavailable. Let's hope for the best.
I've never seen your content before but I'm so glad you popped up in my feed and that I watched this whole video. I've never resonated more with an online stranger's story before. You are absolutely right that SO MANY people are struggling with this. It's so difficult in the world, especially post-2020 and ESPECIALLY in the gay community to find meaningful connection and conversation. It's easy to find hooks up and people to party with but that is not fulfilling and just leaves us craving real connection even more and feeling lonelier. Please don't ever apologize for sharing your truth and don't ever feel like you're being "depressing" or "too much". I hope that you remove yourself from the lives of anyone who makes you feel like a burden or doesn't show up for you the way you do for them. I know that's so hard when we want to remain connected to what we have and what's familiar but believe me when I say that that is how you reprogram those limiting thoughts about yourself. Those type of one-sided relationships only reinforce the negative thought. Releasing them is how you show YOURSELF that you are worth more effort deserve to be treated as a priority the way you do for others. It also makes room for the people who are going to treat you well to come in to your life. I too wish there were a better or easier way for us to find each other and connect but maybe if enough of us want it, we will develop a way.
Thanks so much for your kind words :) I definitely relate that since covid, the disconnect has just been so big and all I have is the nostalgia for pre covid days for the simpler times. You are so right, I had to accept that my friendships here were surface level and I was investing emotionally into people that only cared to talk about sex, parties and gay events which is fine...but outside of the nightlife/scene they were never there, I realised when anything negative happened in my life none of them checked in whilst I was always there for them, and so gradually I distanced myself and noticed if I didn´t message they never messaged, so that was the confirmation I needed to have to do a reset and start over here.
@@TheQueernessDiaries exactly! So glad you made that decision and hope you understand that they have their own issues preventing them from connecting on a deeper level and showing up for you the way you need. They're (probably) not bad people and it's DEFINITELY not because you aren't good enough or worth the effort. You're just not at the same place and thus incompatible but we all want connection so we settle. Please don't go chasing the good old days! It only gets better! ☺️🌄❤️🔥 th-cam.com/video/x71dDdmJaPk/w-d-xo.htmlsi=8fCL3BQ-APFamaSD
The opening two minutes could not have described my life any better.
I think the fundamental reason why gay men in particular are lonely, is their desire for sex with as many hook ups as possible. Gay men in general, are extremely promiscuous and personally I find it weird but that's me, I'm old school in those regards. I'm gay, I've never been into the whole hook up, cruising and casual sex scene, nor do I find an attractive trait in a person. Gay men are always looking for the next best thing, even those in a relationship rarely fully commit and are window shopping at every opportunity and I say this from experience but not as the person seeking to stray or be unfaithful as I have never cheated on a partner and never would. I wish things were different within the LGBT community, particularly Gay men, whereby they were seeking substance and commitment, longevity and a relationship whereby you possess an unbreakable bond, but that appears to be truly rare. Finding someone with deep morals and foundations within the gay community, a person who will remain loyal and true, faithful and fully committed, is nearing impossible.
I'm 41, I came out when I was around 16 and in all those years, I have been in 3 serious relationships and 2 that didn't amount to anything serious. I have slept with 5 people since I became sexually active and I'm proud of that fact, as it means I have deep morals and self respect. Sadly, all my relationships ended due to infidelity, with my last relationship lasting 12 years and it then came out that he'd met over 50 men via hook up sites, in parks and public toilets and it shattered my whole existence and broke me beyond belief. I will be perfectly honest in that I felt terribly alone in that relationship, disengaged and lonely, but not because my own feelings had disappeared, but because I knew he was talking to other men whilst I slept or was at work. I caught him several times and kept giving him chances, something I regret now as I basically facilitated his mistreatment of me by forgiving him. People will treat you how you allow them to, and if you forgive them easily after they break you, they will do it again and again and again.
I do know of gay relationships that have lasted, with both partners being totally in love and wouldn't dream of looking in another person's direction, and it's beautiful to see. But it's so rare, and it's terribly sad and tragic, because if more gay men stuck to one partner, stayed true and loyal, and weren't hung up so much on looks, youth, sex and an unfounded belief that they'll find better, well a lot more gay men would grow old together and wouldn't feel so alone.
Social media, hook up apps and the internet in general, has paved the way for most of these behaviours and made it easier for people to seek out sex on tap, but porn has also destroyed mindsets as it's given a lot of men a complex and a false narrative of how sex should be approached. To me, sex should be meaningful and be between two consenting adults who have a deep connection and love for each other, but for most gay men, it's just sex, and you are a piece of meat to them.
Thank you for sharing. My values are like yours. You are appreciated. Refreshing to know that there are great gay men like you with honorable and righteous values. I never cheated on my ex, and after 18 years together, I found out and it devastated me…still healing but finding my way, my inner love and power to thrive alone with great friends 💜
@PhoenixRising-ve2nx I am truly sorry to hear that mate, it's soul destroying isn't it, and the PTSD it causes, is very real. Whilst knowing the truth breaks us, we deserve to know and should know, to allow us to move on and walk away.
Thank you for your lovely comment, it means a lot ❤️
So powerful to listen to you expressing your truth so authentically and vulnerably! That need for authentic expression, physical connection and empowering each other in a community resonates a lot! In a world that is changing rapidly, we need more and more to connect to our bodies and other bodies, and allowing ourselves to be seen, which creates intimacy (in-to-me-seeing). To my perspective, what you have shared is a total reminder that we are not alone, rather so much interconnected! There is so much power in feeling that void/loneliness. Maybe that's an invitation to allow something fresh and new to emerge? I love to see you shining and exploring🌟
@bersgjashta3954 Thanks so much for your comment :) honestly it's been amazing how many people have reached out from this video. At the time, it just felt like a vent I needed to have, but it has resonated with a lot if people
@@TheQueernessDiariesI guess with millions in the planet, actually🤗
Friendship takes work from both sides. When it’s genuine it becomes play, not work.
@uptoncriddington6939 That is so true! I think one of the lessons I've learnt is that it's ok not to expect the same amount back from someone you're giving, and many people are just meant to become acquaintances.
thank u for this! I've had this problem all my life... I feel like everyone will abandon me and that I can't have trust in anyone because I always give so much and get little back although I don't have such high standards from my friends. It is a prevalent feeling in the community to consistently feel disconnected and emotionally dysregulated but it's also very normal because so many of us have to hide and isolate to survive or feel safe. The best thing any of us can do is to be active, have hobbies, travel, and test ourselves constantly by booking random voluntary trips for example, or joining book clubs idk lol. I really hope we can find the right people who are our safe space, who inspire us and make us feel seen, heard and supported
That´s so true! I think the best thing to do is to live as full of a life as possible by finding the enjoyment in the things we enjoy, and then if we meet people along the way that add to it it´s a bonus! :)
I am a 73-year-old gay man, single for years, and I so relate to your thoughts and feelings. What I have realized is that my loneliness will never be removed by connections with others, only through a deeper connection with myself and my higher power (or God if you prefer).
@@bruceharrottassociates3854 Building a connection with ourselves is the deepest and most fulfilling one we can have. I'm working on doing it myself so still have a way to go yet :)
That's true indeed but we can also learn to tap to the forces that connect us with amazing people who can grow together with us, as true friends or more!
Love you.
I've been dealing with the same thing, I've delt with depression and suicidal ideation for 10 years now because of the loneliness, I thought I'd graduate from my catholic high school and go to college and meet gay people there, and be able to get a high paying job to move to a city. But none of that ever happened, between my adhd and covid happening right as I entered I just couldn't keep up with college no matter how hard I tried, not even a community college. I've gone down a very dark path the past few years, I was very addicted to porn and weed but I've been trying to replace those with lifting and art. Still it's not enough, I still live with my parents at 24 and feel like a child. On the brightside, the only thing I could think to do is follow my dreams, I'm making a comic, something I always wanted to do, but it seems like being an artist unlocks a whole new level of anxiety. I don't even look at the apps anymore I think I probably have rsd too, though everyone I match with is like 3 hours away anyway. I'm still young, I feel like I'm wasting my youth like I could be doing better but everything I try it just feels like I slide right back down into this hole. I never imagined my life would turn out like this.
@19mduffy I'm sorry to hear you are going through it right now. Definitely keep it up with the comic as you never know where it could lead, and the skills we learn along the way
@19mduffy I'm sorry to hear you are going through it right now, sending love from Spain. Definitely keep up with the comic as you never know where it could lead and you can make a portfolio showing your art. Even though my video was a depressive rant I can relate to you a lot as I was in the same position at 24. At 24 I was extremely depressed in my small town with no way of escape, and even though things have not had the best turn as in my vid, I was 25 when I packed up and moved to Madrid. So there is always the chance to start up a new life :)
@@TheQueernessDiaries Thank you for the reply, I'll keep on keepin on, I wish the best for you too. I find a strange irony in that we can find such comradery through sharing our feelings through a platform that also serves to distract us from real life and separate us. I think you're using it in a positive way and I hope you've found meaning in that, I think we need more of this kind of thing.
Thank you for making this video. Stay strong and I hope things get better for you.
@@albywelch Thanks so much :)
Subscribed.
Such a brave and important - and often totally disregarded - talking point. I loved that you talked about this so openly, thank you.
I think there's a whole myriad of points here. Not fitting in, fear of rejection, the passing of years, the cultural shifts etc etc.
The whole gay culture thing - I find it's superfast and built purely around sex. And a lot of people get trapped in this cycle because they think that's what they have to do (as opposed to what they actually want to do)
I've heard so many gay people talk about friendship as 'boring' but lacking the emotional maturity for relationships lasting beyond a few 'dates' and it's becoming more common now for talk about romance as being the fault of Heteronormativity (I mean jeez even a sweet and wholesome show like Heartstopper is classed by some in the same terms). So the outcome? Frankly fairly empty lives built around fleeting encounters. Soulless. Devoid. Lacking.
And then there's the issue that it's harder in societial terms to find meaningful friendships as an adult with anybody. The gay scene has always created a sense of 'emptiness' in me so I avoid the pub/club scene totally and all the desolate soul crushing apps.
Sorry stream of consciousness there. But I feel your post. I think a lot of people will.
@@ollielikes2sing Thanks a lot for your comment :) and yes totally relate! I have found the friendships I built when I moved to Madrid at 25 completely evaporated as soon as covid hit and I expected more emotional support, I put a lot into my friendships but to them I was just someone to hit the gay clubs with. And with my straight friends as I have gotten older, they have settled into parenthood and married life so being the only single one there isnt much in common any more. I've definitely become more of a loner and learnt to expect less from people now.
Hi Connor,
Thank you for the share! ❤❤
It sounds to me like you're changing and growing,
I somewhat understand how you feel. I always love being alone, perhaps because of the rejections I learned much earlier in life. In my experience, I personally never found the gay community to be my cup of tea. So, I ended up picking my people with different criteria.
I wish you all the best in the process :).
Thanks a lot Kevin :) I am learning to enjoy being on my own more to as time goes on, I think the friendship grief of the last few years has been mourned at this point so I can start enjoy the things I like on my own :)
@@TheQueernessDiaries 🤗🤗🤗🤗
We may be brothers from another mother. I feel so fortunate to have come across your channel. Always call, never called absolutely invisible. I have been ill for 7 years , have one son 22 years old who lives with his wealthy mother while I live 200 miles away in near poverty with about 3 years to live and most of the time theve both blocked me on their phones and emails. And never have they (this I would find almost impossible to believe, but I assure you its true) during this six or seven years of illness neither have ONCE asked after my health. I know I have to walk away but I have only shared 2 percent of the story. Was thinking of writing a book, but then awhile back I decided to start my only channel that is like spoken word life story, not is strict order but jumping around and infusing humor as oiften as possible. I just think too there are so many of us of my age group late 50's andd early sixties that had no rights in the 70's and 80,s and we were dealing with full blown aids and attending funerals of friends on a monthly basis. I always wantedd a child, but living the gay lifestyle would never have had that option. The only way was to bury who the real Jay was and marry and live normally. I chose the second route, did fall trully in love with a woman whom I married, had a very good marriage of 16 years, finally got pregnant and divorced when my son was one. I was left with very little......anyway to wrap it up, so many of my generation took the same route and in doing so look back almost in horror that we lost the best years of our lives, while we were still young, and desired because wwe had only 2 choices. And there are no guarantees of course, my son doesn't speeak to me, bullies me (Not because of being gay, no problem tere) i must stop now. Remember "Never allow another to establish your worth" and to you podcast maestro, thank you and do me a favor, these experiences we all share are inherantly depresing and sad and were all donniee downers I'm sure but don't ever apologize at the end of every segment for sharing your truths. No its not pretty, ofter life isn't. You have the guts to strip naked and expose your most painful and personal life experiences and in doing so people like me will come out of the suffering lonely second closet and many before me qand many after will, mainly because of your willingness to expose yourself so honestly, and yes sometimes almost too hard to hear but only because so much is like looking in our mirrors. Thank you again, and thank you for your lovely comments of encouragments. Jy
Hey Jay, thanks so much for commenting and sharing your story. While it is hard to put our stories out into the world, there is definitely a power that comes from being able to express what we are going through. I am really sorry for your situation with your family and hope things can improve. I do think that writing helps a lot to get the emotion out, I am not great at writing myself so I usually will do a ramble like this video aha but having an outlet to pour the raw emotions into definitely serves as a kind of therapy.
Hey man…Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities and I applaud you for being self aware. I experienced this and the loneliness still comes and I’ve been single for quite a while now and it’s hard specially with the gay male community to find connections and even dating. But pls be strong and don’t loose hope and stay true to you and don’t be afraid to set your boundaries and lean into your self worth regardless of how alone we feel… the right people will come along eventually. Sending love❤
Thanks so much for your kind words :) I can relate with the gay dating world, I think setting my boundaries is what has caused this loneliness as I am so careful of who is genuinely coming into my life, which can be make it isolating, but hopefully rewarding for the future!
just drop your trousers mate and a little buggery will surely come along. Buggering after all is what its all about so by george off you go and be quick at it.
Feeling disconnected with the world is a getting older thing and nothing really to do with being homosexual. Being a teen or early twenties you feel part of the world: the music, the nightlife, the fashion are all youth orientated. One loses that doing things as a gang experience. All with basically the same tastes etc. Being an adult, if you’re not in a family unit, no matter what form that takes, is a lonely thing. The culture surrounding you stops being a crutch, or rather, that culture evaporates as the next generation steps out in its new fashions and passions.
The way you articulate, shows you're very intelligent!
Hello Conor,
i went back to your first video to look up your name as they are important, for identity, but also as a powerful gateway to open the lines of communication, likely as it's been the familiar static for all of your life.
i'm glad you're doing your diary and i feel like connecting to humans in any way is good for you, it has been for me when i help people, worldwide, and loneliness is a worldwide problem, please do not feel solo in it.
i sympathise, directly, with the disappointment of putting energy into people and them vanishing, even that pre-diagnosed autistic little boy i used to look after on a Wednesday after school, with my own kids, who was a real challenge..., you leave the area, country in my case, the parents stop replying.
i get you.
i mourn the not-yet-dead octogenarian-American-friend, Jack, who stopped replying, every time i want to send him something on the ever dementing American politic situation.
solution?
i expect nothing back now, even of my romantic partners, when you split up, 'hell hath no fury', no good deed will be remembered, at least not at first....
I do things for 'my own' endorphins, 'my own' dopamine, my own satisfaction.
that is key.
i should divulge, if still reading..., that i'm not an expert, i'm writing a relationship book, which focuses on self improvement, first, before meeting 'anyone'. the last nearly two years, since my own awful breakup, visible-crepitus-heartbreak included, sympathy again, but find it's been rewarding to connect and help people and i no longer even feel a need to dig out a partner from dating detritus....
another key would be to do things for others, strangers, maybe that elderly neighbour downstairs likely has some great, distracting, maybe slightly rude stories.
i also wonder why you've found yourself in a foreign country, i write about connecting with 'the girl next door' so, similar background, same language, race, culture, education, intellect, anything out of your own 'similarity', becomes an 'incompatibility', and it's already hard enough to meet and live with another human as it is. short of 'the cops' being after you in England... i would return in order to find your 'boy next door'.
your video diary is one thing, but i would also encourage journaling with more tactile media (pen and paper) you can read more, but essentially it moves a body trauma into a more cerebral place, that process allows you to process and therefore placate and calm the anxiety.
speaking of this, your ADHD symptoms, (or Hyper Vigilance as i call it), this is likely trauma based, i hear about your recent adult trauma, your recent relationship trauma, but healing that childhood trauma would be a key turning point in your life, talk therapy would be indicated, firstly, as always.
clean Diet(low carb), clean lifestyle(no addictive molecules) and training with weights (for all humans) are the fundamentals for good brain health. lots of wider reading there.
i'll read the Washington Post article on Gay Loneliness and see if i can help further in that specific regard, however, i feel loneliness is a general human issue as others have said here.
(PS i'm looking for an editor/readers too if you want to help, again, helping others is the single best thing for depressive episodes, as well as the above neurotransmitters you also get oxytocin and serotonin - pretty much everything you could want, just from helping others).
Sincerely, humbley, hope that helps,
Anton - (i'll be in touch with the paperwork).
Hey Anton, thanks so much for the comment and sharing your story!
I think one thing many of us can relate to, but isn´t discussed enough can be friendship breakups. There is no guidebook on how to deal with them, and often they sting even more than a normal breakup that usually has closure and some finality to it, so navigating life after them whilst remembering the good times can be a challenge.
I definitely think focusing on a healthy lifestyle helps a lot, from keeping up with the gym to diet, I definitely am feeling a little better since cutting out alcohol in the summer, though feelings of loss and grief still hit at times.
I think this is more common than we think, I do emphatise with you and feel the same way at times. Since having dogs though, I have been thinking of it less and diverted my focus on me and my dogs, the people that are there, and hopefully, the right people or friends will come to my life one day.
Yes I think having pets definitely helps! I miss my cats in England a lot sometimes but have a kitten here to look after to.
I don’t know how I came across this but thank you for sharing ♥️ Im dealing with this as are many others
Hey there, thanks a lot for the support! heres hoping to brighter days ahead :)
I know a lot can happen in a few months, so maybe you're in a completely different place today. Since you didn't seam very satisfied with how it was, I hope so for you.
Anyway - thank you for sharing this video. Loneliness is such a taboo topic (both in general and in. the LGBTQ+ community) and to me it's been so hard to even think in terms of loneliness for myself. So, thank you for being part of opening up for this kind of conversations, and to do it completely honest and not to hide it in a humorous tone or what so ever.
It will take time to heal from that kind of trauma, but you'll get there, bit by bit ❤ and the s*it we don't heal from, we learn to live with in one way or another. (Btw I loved what you said about the most broken people giving the best advices since we're so used to it). And I really hope you've found a way without substances (oversharing: my ex was addicted to meds and alcohol, and it was terrible standing by her side feeling so powerless. That's why my heart's always aching when I hear people that can't find any other way to cope).
And gosh, I just mirror myself in you so much when you're talking about being a bit "rushed" in new relationships and always thinking it is (about to become) a real friendship. I've worked so hard the past couple of years to not get too clingy. But that feels so strange too, to purposely building a wall from both sides so I won't scare people away by coming off as expecting more than they're willing to give. And tbh, I think that's made me kind of cold and distanced even to those I do have around. There's definitely something off with that true and deep connection you were talking about, and I miss it sooooo bad.
Guess I'm kinda oversharing right now, but here y'all go 🙈
Btw - you wanted your podcast to fly, so what's it called? ☺
@mikaelathunell2822 Hey there.
Thanks so much for your comment, it really resonated with me a lot!
And its definitely something that you just get used to more I guess. I've really worked this year on trying to enjoy my own company a lot more and learning to do the things I love to do on my own, so if I meet new friends it's just a bonus.
@@mikaelathunell2822 And definitely know that feeling of rushing into new friendships then not wanting to come across clingy. I am definitely trying to work on finding a balance between feeling like I'm forcing the relationship and appearing cold/uninterested from putting my walls up too much.
I decided the only friends I have are my money.They never dissapoint.
I know how you feel. I am hypersensitive. I have felt this way at first. My last group of friends I hung out often with was ALSO back in 2015. Interesting. I am a straight female. Dude.. it IS never enough. People are also scared to open up these days. Straight dudes play this facade of confidence that immediately irritates me.
Your own company is precious , embrace the happiness of your own solace. You are awesome.. I can tell.. reserve that awesome energy for people worthy of that energy but that starts with focusing that energy on yourself and enjoying life solo.
@SaturnCrashing Yeah its always sad drifting apart from a group of friends. Its very true that finding joy in the things you love to do on your own is super important, if we meet anyone to enjoy them with along the way thats a bonus!
dont despair mate you will be back to buggering in no time at all keep your chin up and trousers down and be proud
As a 64-year-old, I can assure you that your priorities may shift considerably with time, especially if you have to focus on the basic aspects of our survival and even more so when one’s parents and/or most of one’s closest relatives are gone.
If even now you’re already learning to be more selective about whom you allow into your life, let alone after decades of bitter experiences with the worst of human nature ...
Although some may argue that the internet hasn’t helped much, I fully disagree!
I remember well enough how far worse it was before it! Now I can do web activism for the several causes I defend and learn so many captivating subjects in a far more interesting way, with documentaries, etc.
I also can find people with the same interests in each field of knowledge I’m keen on. I can also detach myself more easily when I notice some web friendship has become really toxic, another huge plus of making friends over the web, sparing us a lot of exhausting experiences which often leave deep, indelible marks on those who are more sensitive and emotionaly-driven, my case as well.
However, unlike you, I do believe in interdimensional stuff and this has also helped me to filter those I should allow or not into my life but in romantic terms I became polyamorous about ten years ago - even if just in theory cause I’ve also distanced myself from such sort of relations ever since I’ve had to focus on my survival as a retiree, so mine wouldn’t be the same sort of problems a monogamous person usually finds when trying to engage in romantic relations.
However, I’ve noticed amazing young, attractive people who have a somewhat good life in material terms suffering from lonelines coming out on TH-cam, that really breaks my heart but I also believe that by sharing their stories, they start having some sort of connection with these followers, though the depth of the latter will hinge on how they’ll be able to develop it through time.
Following you and hoping to find you fulfilling your live with all the nurturing you need! Keep us posted! A big Brazilian hug (we latinos are really into this sort of stuff😉)
P.S.: You're so handsome!
Hey there :) thank you so much for being so open and supportive! This is the great thing about TH-cam and talking about mental health, there are so many kind people out there who can relate. Wishing you a happy holidays :)
@@TheQueernessDiaries Thank you, handsome, you too! May this solstice bring you all the fulfilling experiences you need but also the intuition to avoid all the many dark traps from this most predatory universe💙💜🙏
I hope I pull it off to get your notifications as often as possible, sometimes I simply don't get any whatsoever from the many channels I follow for months in a row, sigh.
Im so sorry youre feeling like that :(
Thanks a lot :) honestly I am much better than when I filmed this video in the Spring, that was definitely a low point!
@@TheQueernessDiaries🎉🎉 that’s nice
Thanks for this vid. Much love from the Netherlands.💗💗💗
@@mrtaurus51 Thanks for the support :)
@@TheQueernessDiaries You're welcome 🙂
Hello!
I suffered the same kind of isolation during a chaotic time in my life. I still feel the consequences, and I still tend to distance myself from people. I realize that it is common in our 30s. I also realize that I need to change the way I approach people. I'm usually feeling some kind of reactivity, anger, hurt, and other feelings of defensiveness. Natural for anyone who has felt strongly coerced at some point in their life, or throughout their life (common in the gay experience and other experiences of exclusion). Furthermore, reviewing behaviors is always interesting, as it shows humility in the desire to be open with people. Realize that ADHD provides another level of experience with life, and if you are not in a good place, the mess and internal disorder become an avalanche. It is always important to be in psychological support and taking care of the bodies where we live (physical body, our home and other spaces we occupy). It is important to understand why we feel needy and empty, so we can use this self-consciousness to move us through life and as a driving force for a turning point about self love. I know it's a cliché, but it really worked for me to learn to look fondly at the inner child that I still am, who felt and still feels rejected, and embrace it. Only we ourselves can do this difficult work.
Still, this may not be enough, and that is why the journey continues and we must always seek to improve ourselves, even if this improvement involves learning to respect our processes. I believe that when we learn (or remember) how to love, we connect with people who also want to share love.
Ultimately, I believe that the way of life and values we live in this current society has been a great source of isolation and sadness. I have tried to go against this wave, having attitudes that are coherent with my feelings of positive affection, being a proponent of a different world, and no longer a passive person who is just thrown from one side to the other in this sea of people who are fighting each other trying to get rid of your resentments. I know that I won't always receive immediate feedback from those who receive this affection, but I know that my actions resonate and if there's more people doing the same, in someway I will receive it back. And I have trained myself to be ok and happy that I don't feel anxious about receiving it back immediataly, as long as it doesn't harm me, of course (always remember self-love).
Thanks for to be here sharing.
Hey Felipe, thank you for sharing such a thoughtful and vulnerable reflection, it means a lot! I think one of the most difficult things as we go into our 30s as gay men, can be that longing for younger days and feeling more disconnected around our friends who are settling down with families. And when chaotic times have shaped the last few years, it can lead to an even bigger yearning for the old days whilst being very hesitant to open up around new people due to the rejection experienced in those hard times.
I think it´s very true that as seek to improve ourselves, we start setting ourselves up for better relationships in the future, and a lot of the friendships we lost along the way just served their purpose for that chapter of our lives.
I’m totally convinced that it’s difficult/ impossible to have a friendship with another gay guy. Just as I think it’s the same with straight guys and women ..
I hope you’re are feeling more clarity around this of course it’s a journey and I think it absolutely has taken courage to speak about your experiences and open up, it touches people - watching this is made me feel a little less alone with similar experiences I felt
I could relate to a lot of what you were saying as a gay man even down to how you articulate things ! does this account have an Instagram account or podcast ? ☺️
Hey Christian, thanks so much for your comment :)
I am definitely feeling better these days than when I made the video, but I left it up as it´s an important one about how friendship breakups sometimes sting the most. I haven´t made an instagram for the podcast yet just a spotify account and then my regular insta :)
The last time I had a true core group of friends, including a couple of gay friends, was in high school. I moved countries for university and made "friends" that were not actually friends, except for one person who is terribly and wonderfully chaotic, which means we don't talk often, but when we do, it's really deep and fulfilling. Since then, I've just had trouble building real relationships with people because I'm a bit of an introvert and it's just tough to find a good balance between frequent social interaction and solitary time to recharge and just be in silence. I really only have a possibility of work friendships, which can sometimes feel like an extension of work. Gay friendships are kind of impossible because hookup culture has almost totally destroyed gay spaces and I don't really want to go on a date to see if it doesn't work out romantically, but we might possibly be able to become friends. Like, it's a lot, so I've kind of just pulled back and become friends with my family, which is great but also difficult to navigate because family sometimes loves to tear down your independence without even realizing it. I feel like if I was a woman, this would be so much easier to figure out.
I can definitely relate to building friendships with family. I think friendship grief can hit really hard and for me it is definitely been a mourning process letting go on the friendships that were once so close 5...10 years ago
I am in the same place and have been it seems forever. Loneliness is a painful and tortuous place to exist. I find I can go a week without speaking. I can’t comment further it’s too hard. I will again.
I hope things get better for you Jay ❤
So grateful for your encouragment. I'm such an empty vessel.
It's insane to me that the loneliness that you can feel when you are on your own is less painful than being the loneliness that you feel when you are in a group of 'friends'
So true! it´s always sad when it happens in friendships.
Yes, and how do you connect with the non engaged?
Male loneliness more broadly is a serious and growing problem... it's much easier for women to be wanted by others
Hi, I recently attended a course about Core Transformation, which is all about transforming unwanted emotions, behaviours or thoughts. The basic idea is that every part of ourselves has a positive intention, and in fact wants some core state of beingness, such as love, peace, oneness etc. If you are curious about it or would like to talk, let me know. You seem pretty cool, and I would like to be friends if you are open to that, and I could also use the practice of guiding people through core transformation if that is something you are potentially interested in. I am in New Zealand so time zones might make things interesting, but if it seems like something you might be open to, let me know.
Hey there, thanks a lot for your comment. That sounds like it was an incredible experience for you, I am happy it has had such a great impact and the emphasis of positive intention. I´m definitely in a better place than when I made this video myself but still a journey to go yet :) And yes always happy to meet new friends for all over!
@@TheQueernessDiaries Awesome! I am super glad that you are in a better place now!!! I watched a more recent video of you doing a podcast and you seemed a lot happier.
I only really discovered podcasts recently, when watching the hundredth episode of Where are all my friends. I think it is a really cool format, people sharing life experiences, and a lot of times seems like entertaining conversations between friends. So fantastic that you are a podcaster!
My name is Raymond, I usually go by Ray. Thank you very much for your reply!!! Would love to chat with you sometime. :)
@teselentai9104 Yes definitely feeling better than in the Spring thank you :)
Having a podcast/vlog is definitely a great way to engage with people from the community, and also have important discussions along the way. I was surprised how many people hace been through something similar.
And for sure, very nice to virtually meet you Ray :)!
@@TheQueernessDiaries Thanks for the reply! Awesome to virtually meet you too!!! 😀
Can you do telepathy cause this has been me for the last 5 years!!! ❤
Fox I totally relate - how about turning to a Higher Power, animals, nature and some form of art - writing as an example
You might just be in a higher level than most ‘people’ - I’ve been where you are. Take care. Bless
@@MJ-qb5ph Thanks a lot! I have three lovely cats now aha they are the best!
The problem for gays is that we live in a ghetto clubs ,and meetings we do not have contact with the whole world, only with each other. Our loneliness results from this fact.
Why can not you have a contact with the whole world? If you decide to live in a cage so it's your responsibility
manifestation is absolutely real
We'll never meet. Hugs.😉
Actually, I wouldn't exclude male friends in general. Both are good.
Do the people you want to be friends with have to fellow gay men? If so, the basis of the commonality is his also being gay, that isn’t likely to be enough for the basis of a deeper more meaningful friendship. I’m gay but don’t have gay friends per se, but among my friends are a few gay men. What about common interests beyond being sexually attracted to men?
Hint, there is no such thing as the Gay Community. It’s merely an activist notion which doesn’t really fit a lot of gay people because people are people first not who they are attracted to first.
I feel so sad that you feel so hopeless. Please be more positive. You can enjoy life without fake friends.
Hey James :) thanks a lot for your comment, I am feeling in a better place than when I filmed the video luckily, still have lonely days but have gotten more at peace with it.
I'm thinking like the people you see in your life are the random ones. People in your comments are more like a filtered version of that randomness. Because we are making choices in some way that the algorithm can catch our personalities, identities, and preferences so that it can show us certain content that we would like. And even clicking on this video or your channel is a choice, so there is curiosity, familiarity, and expectations behind it. I'm not gay but I'm interested to hear other voices because we are people and we shouldn't discriminate each other just because of our preferences, that's pathetic. What I can suggest you is to realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, your life and your preferences. Just stick to what you are doing and exclude yourself from toxic environments. The most horrible thing you can do to yourself is being around people that you are not enjoying just to be "fit" in. Please don't do that. Don't try to catch something, do your thing and let your people find you.
@@flowerinthedawn1 Thanks so much for the support :)
I'm sorry all this is quite true. People are a little bit arseholely.
Maybe its time to search for a faith community that works for. Because I believe in God and that he is real I talk to him all the time and listen to gospel music all the time. It makes me happy
And that´s your path.
Why does friendship has to be gay? Friends are not chosen because of their sexual orientation. Sexuality has nothing to do with friendship
It doesn´t have to be, no-one is saying that. It´s about gay men being more likely to experience loneliness.
Sorry but the sound is not good
In a park without a good mic 👎
Thanks for this video, I can relate to it a lot. I'm not sure if you have ever heard of the hedgehog's dilemma (or sometimes called the porcupine's dilemma) but sounds like this is what you are describing here en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedgehog%27s_dilemma. It can be so hard to reach out when you have been hurt so much in the past, but I guess it's trying to find of the balance of protecting yourself enough but not to completly shut out others, and closing yourself off to new experiences.
@@Android18uk Hey there :) thanks a lot for your comment. I haven't heard of it before but will definitely check it out!