I use solitude to protect myself from an insane and brutal world. That can and often does lead to loneliness. I am looking for ways out of this cycle. ❤🙏🌈
I was related to your feeling, but now I have moved a next forwards step to sense of connection with myself. I started to join in a gym club not because I wanted to find somebody but to have real connections with my inside during working out. So I think it would be better if you find some interesting things to immerse in such as your hobbies to avoid being empty.
That idea of protecting one's self is relatable. I try to always keep in mind that there's still a lot of very good people out there doing nice things.
I’m 59’, I came out at 14 years of age . I have been living with HIV for 37 years since 1987 . I’m visiting Rome Italy at the moment. I’m exploring my spiritual journey and reconnecting with the catholic faith. I have noticed quite a few gay men involved in the church here in Italy. I am lonely I would love to explore this city with someone special but as gay men we have to face up to difficult feelings and emotions.. I look my loneliness in the face and say to myself ok I will deal with this and it will not overwhelm me. Gay men are tough, we have to be.. Hang on in there brothers , we’ll get through this 🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and inspiring message. Your resilience and courage shine through, and it’s beautiful to hear how you’re reconnecting with your faith while exploring Rome. Loneliness can be so tough to face, but your strength in acknowledging it and moving forward is truly admirable. Hang in there-you’re right, we are tough, and we’ve got each other. Sending you love and support from afar, brother. ❤🙏
You're telling my story, Matt! It's like a mirror! "Dating" is exhausting and my last date was about 5 years ago. It seems I have succumbed to a life of celibacy for over ten years and I have been using this time to work on my self-awareness and spiritual growth. During childhood, fear of abandonment was sometimes used against me as a means of manipulation so I also have been working with issues regarding anxiousness and knowing that someone will be there for me. I don't want to own anyone and I don't want to capture them, I just need the comfort in knowing we have each other's best interests at heart along with communication. IF I meet "the one", it needs to evolve organically, however, cultivating close friendships is always good and to be honest, I like to think the "the one" will also be my best friend as we keep each other in check learning and evolving! I also relate to what Michael was saying about trying to fill the loneliness void through sex not being in alignment when I was in my twenties and I felt worse afterward.
Thank you for sharing this important video. Loneliness has been a deep struggle of mine for quite some time now. I feel a disconnect with the world surrounding me, with family and friends. There is so much confusion and many things I don't understand, which amplify the feeling of loneliness (if that makes sense). It's no wonder I want to cry my eyes out so much. Loneliness is not something I wish upon anyone. It's something I'm trying to learn about, learn from and heal through. If I take anything from this, I've learned that loneliness is not my fault. Loneliness is a struggle, but it isn't forever.
I feel you so much on this. Its so painful. I am trying to learn to move towards connection to alleviate loneliness but i also know how important it is to be comfortable with loneliness to a certain degree. It can become solitude when we get comfortable with it and stop judging it.
Finding a balance is surely the aim. Friends enrich my life in many ways, but I need time alone. Listening to music, podcasts (!), emptying my mind from that constant inner dialogue. Ps love your beards 😂❤
Absolutely, finding that balance is key! We all need our moments of solo time to recharge-sometimes even just to escape our own inner chatter. Glad to hear you enjoy the podcasts! And thanks for the beard love-we’ll take that as a compliment to our inner zen as well! 🧔♂😍
I have dealt with all four types of loneliness that were described. I live in a New York, not exactly a one-stoplight town, have spent years and years on just about every type of therapy to deal with some of the underlying depression and anxiety, participated in various activities to meet people, and still feel completely bereft of any type of companionship. I have some closer friends but they are scattered all over the country, but no one in my city that I see on an even a semi-regular basis. I think in June during Pride month it feels a bit more acute because it feels like one large party that I'm not invited to. I know it's harder to make friends when you're older, but it shouldn't be as arduous as I'm experiencing. The "pit of despair" mentioned describes how I feel right now and I don't know how to describe the pain as anything other than unbearable.
I don't think I've ever related to Calan more than when he's talking about being direct and pragmatic in his communication and how others struggle to accept him for it!
He is what most people would consider to be a "kind" person. He claims that he's in tune with his emotions, but at the same time, is a straight shooter. While there is nothing wrong with that, it can come off as a bit hurtful to those who may not operate the same way. There might be a lack of empathy or willingness to see things from another perspective.
Such a rich topic and discussion as always. Thank you all. I have such conflicted thoughts in my mind when it comes to the experience of loneliness. As an introvert (Pisces Moon haha), I love the experience of solitude as the typical Hermit of the Tarot. That being said, I also have had some truly heartfelt friendship connections. At the same time, I have lived through what you all eloquently described as "existential loneliness". It is as though I walk this in-between, neither this nor that space in most areas of my life. So I see loneliness as a product of rejection and also fear of rejection. I would say that solitude ironically heals my loneliness.
I’ve been blessed enough not to deal with loneliness in the last years, but I definitely was a lonely child, in the closet and confused. But I think lots of us feel lonely sometimes depending on the circumstances. So in my experience the best attitude is what Calan says: force ourselves and make our best effort to make plans with others, get out there and connect, call our friends and family, join a group of something that interests us, anything; but we cannot expect all of our loved ones will come knocking on our door with a whole picnic plan for us. Thanks as always, guys, good vibes
Once again related to a lot of what the hosts had to say; I've definitely suffered from chronic loneliness, emotional loneliness, social loneliness. I've used food, sex, video games, social media, alcohol, drugs, and other forms of media to try and cope with those painful feelings. And I think increasingly in Western society it's harder to break out of the cycle of loneliness because so much of our interactions have moved into the virtual space, and then again as a queer person, it feels that much harder to find authentic connection when the majority of spaces where one might connect with other queers seem to be centered around partying and sex. This podcast has been an integral part of a wonderful phase of healing and growth for me, coupled with my own diligent internal work, therapy, and genuine connections with supportive and understanding friends. I've also had the incredible fortune to connect with an emotionally intelligent lover who has come alongside me in my journey and created space for me to explore and process my unhealthy attachment style(s) and practice healthier ways of being for myself. It seems like it's been a very long road of trying to do this work on myself; I think it's something you really can't rush and it can be a very lonely(ha) and challenging road. If I could go back and offer myself advice or encouragement, I think I would just tell myself what I've been repeating all along: "You're worth it. I'm worth it." If I had a friend or even just an acquaintance who was struggling as I have, I would never tell them they should just give up or it's not worth it, that's insane! So why would I ever speak that way to myself? To anyone who might read this, I promise if you invest in yourself, if you explore your internal world with curiosity and compassion, if you build positive self-belief, you will see the benefits and you will start to attract the people you deserve and want to be around. Peace love and rainbows
Thank you for sharing so openly and vulnerably. It sounds like you've been through such a profound journey, and it’s incredible to see how much growth and healing you've achieved. Your insight about the power of self-compassion and investing in yourself is truly inspiring. It's a reminder that we’re all worth the time and effort it takes to heal. We're so glad that the podcast has been a part of that journey for you, and it’s beautiful to hear about the supportive connections you've made along the way. Sending you peace, love, and rainbows right back! 🌈✨
Thank you guys for sharing your experiences , listening to you three has provoked my own feelings and thoughts, I see how I revolve thoughts that keep me away from new experiences that would connect me to others , so helpful, thank you men ❤
We're glad our conversation resonated with you! It's amazing how sharing experiences can spark self-reflection and open new doors to connection. Embracing those thoughts and feelings can lead to exciting new experiences. Thank you for tuning in! 🌟
I just found you guys. I'm really appreciating what I've heard so far. Definitely feeling like loneliness has been part of who I am for a very long time.
What was said starting at around 48:00 about adequacy was really empowering to hear. Im definitely going to try to keep that stuff in mind in my daily life. Thanks for the insight guys
I'm so glad I have found a podcast/youtube channel like this. I'm feeling a whole load of emotions when dealing with my sexuality, and listening to you guys helps a lot. Thank you!
Today i was finally given this in my Feed. I’am choose to be alone but always eager to be outside with someone. I hope I can break this cycle. I can’t wait to learn here.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. We're glad you found us, and we hope our content helps you on your journey. You're not alone in this, and we're here to support you.🥰
14:37 I lived my school life exactly like that. Just roaming around corridors till the bell rang cause I had no one to be with. Don't know how I competed that phase of life 24:40 I was the same way till last 6 months. Taking extra measures, doing all the chores and helping my mom putting my studies aside. All for nothing. They don't even acknowledge what I did for them And I too felt different. Like I didn't fit in any group in class. I understand that feeling But unlike you, I didn't go out of my way to fake who I was, I stayed alone. It cost me a lot of chances at friendships, genuine connection and general fun time with friends(possible friends)
So true. But what is our gift in exchange? Being ostracized, harassed, molested, jailed or killed for being " the gift"? It is pretty unfair. Also there is no "gay culture", nor " gay community". It is a fraudulous western concept. Homosexual men, all around the world, are mostly lonely, struggling with hardcore homophobia and have to fear for their lives. The problem with western homosexual men is that they are mostly brainwashed by the " gay/pride/feminist/lgbtqi+" propaganda. Well, life as a homo man is not a rainbow, even though if you were born Spartian, and it has nothing to do with marriage, adoption or any other mimicking of the heterosual way of life. Neither it has to do with " queerness, anti patriarchy or anti racism. Even the word " gay" is outrageous and idiotic, we are not gay, but men who love men in a sexually/romantically way. Some of us are masculine, other are feminine, it is complementary. And we should feel blessed to not have to be attracted and having to deal sexually with females. Gods made us free from the inferior need of procreation. We could be an army of lovers, but we are all trapped by Grindr.
Wow wow 😮 I don't know where to start. I just found this video and it sooooo important to talk about you handsome guys covered great insightful topics do more. Great job guys ❤🌈 🙏 your all beautiful men
Thank you for the heartfelt words! We're thrilled you found the video important and enjoyed our discussions. Stay tuned for more discussions, and we appreciate your support! 🌈❤🙏
This was really deep and interesting. Very relatable. Thank you guys for that. Over 1 hour time went really quickly for me. And I love this "power of vulnerability"
Ah, loneliness. At some point you fall in love with it. Thank you for an interesting discussion. It's lovely to discover something relatable. Bless your hearts.
I feel the same way about suffering. I wouldn’t say I am in love with it but I feel like I have become immune to it because I have spent a lot of time tolerating it. - Matt
@@GayMenGoingDeeper Thanks for the response, Matt. Suffering and pain seem difficult to process and accept. At the same time pushing it all back may be more harmful. You just let it be and learn, then grow. We live and we learn. As a quite new person in the community, I begin to realise that there is more depth to pain and struggling here. To be a happier gay person, you probably need to accept more challenges. I sincerely hope it gets better as we learn from experiences. Open discussions like this one feel like a warm hug. We all need that somedays.
I have never had friends, from childhood to adulthood, not as kid or teenager or Marine or after my time in the military to this day am very lonely. my loneliness got even worse since, I lost my partner Anthony 3 years ago to dementia in my arms at our home in Missouri. where I live gays are not accepted, I live a private life on a farm outside Lebanon, Mo. I have tried to make friends all my life but have always been left out & or just don't fit in. you would not know that I'm gay because I don't play or act the part period. I feel that this is what must be what is met for me, thus I have learned to accept. even being in the military didn't bring me friends, I'm a good man & was with my partner for 24 years before he passed away, I seek help but am still lonely, pushed away, feel that am not wanted or needed in life, I know that somewhere is that friend out there but after 63 yrs, still looking. I've never done drugs, had run ins with the law, treat people wrong, ect....what do you do with a person who is in my situation?
We're deeply moved by your story and the challenges you've faced. Your resilience and strength shine through despite the loneliness you've endured. You're a good person deserving of love and connection, and we hope you find the support and companionship you're seeking. *Virtual Hugs* 🥰🤗
I am really trying to love myself and love just being with myself. But I really struggle with that and I am realizing at 38 years old that my whole life, my self-worth and value was placed in being with others -- both family and friends -- and knowing they desire to be with me. So I am really confronting these new themes of loneliness and feeling worthless head-on and it is quite uncomfortable. With that said, I am thankful for guys like you and videos like these that has helped me start processing the emotions and ultimately has helped me remember that my worth is not determined by how anyone else thinks or feels about me.
I have a similar to yours but I got a family but unfortunately I am bit repressed on my sexuality. I am not sure what is my sexuality. I sometimes likes girls or male or in-between. But I prefer woman more than males emotionally. Sexually,it goes depending the mood. I can from a protestant family on Puerto Rico( If case you ask if there is gay rights here. Welp there is gay rights here. It just I happened to come from Christian family that goes by generations. I have isolated myself or never attempted to be in relationships in fear of my family or fear of what said person what I date should feel about my sexuality. I honestly do not have people much LGBT people or friendships. I was also raised overprotected by my parents due to their bad childhood they had and they wanted to have all the good childhood they never had on their past but it sort of made me childish or pretty dependent or passive which is not a good trait to have on living these highly competitive and fast paced world. I felt some loneliness but also I felt not being myself, pretending, represing emotions. Yes , I have a brother and sister who loves me and parent that never fails to supplies what I needed materially or health wise and sometimes emotionally. I feel lost, confused, not sure who I am really am and I do not trust my abilities or feel stagnated by not experiencing many good things like independence, competence, feeling I can do stuff on my own, not letting others defines me or feeling confident or find what is my passion.
This is probably the best episode of GMGD episode I’ve seen thus far. I can identify with many of the points all three of you raise, particular Matt and Michael. Matt’s desire for self-authenticity and Michael’s assertion that he has his own back both really resonate with me personally. In my life, I’ve had a propensity to fall in love with impossible relationships, be they in real life or, more recently, people I’ve only met online. I guess fear of rejection is my ultimate fear. I tend to be very dogged in my pursuit of affairs of the heart. My current crisis involves someone I’ve only met online who I believe is in a mixed-orientation marriage. I’ve complimented this person a number of times online, but it never seems to be reciprocated. I’ve commented about this on one of your other GMGD episodes. I’m about at the point to try to move on from this person, to avoid any further obsession with him. One can’t make another person love them. As has been somewhere said, “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.”
If someone can’t meet you where you’re at I am a firm believer that it not worth investing anymore time or energy. Easier said that done I know but it’s always the goal for me
Learning that I am demisexual has been huge in helping me learn to accept myself since it makes me feel validated. This revelation came as a bit of a surprise but it explains a lot of my dating history and why I date far less than most people. I relate most to Matt's experience except that I've usually been an outsider, occasionally a loner, and never in any popular social groups, though I always longed to be a part of that.
@@mattlandsiedel Thank you so much for the comment! It probably will make the dating life a bit more of a challenge in some ways by being demisexual but the mere fact of knowing what you are looking for and what you need emotionally does cut out a lot of noise.
Loneliness like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder! I consider myself a crossbreed between a long wolf and a social butterfly! alone time for me is a way to recharge, while being social is a away to release that energy! in my experience with loneliness, that is when I feel the most spiritually connected with myself and the world. Being social is just as spiritually charging, in the sense, that it is an opportunity to share that energy with someone's loneliness; if that makes any sense!?
I’m feeling this at the moment, I wonder if gay men feel this in a different way than others. I used to blend with people so easily but that was because I had no sense of self or boundaries. I’m more guarded now but still long for intense connection. But the world has taught me I’m wrong for wanting that.
Damn, so happy this was sent to me. Very informative for gay men (line wolves). When my friend and I were kids, she always called me "the lone wolf". Never got it until later on my journey.
Yes, just started in listening to this recording, thank you - haven't finished. A gay couple that I follow on YT, one of several, is Shiba & Koji. That kind of deep rich spirit connection seems very rare, their videos just bring tears to my eyes. I have many social friends. People see me in a positive light. Yet, I feel very alone thru much of my life, and even among my friends. It is at the level of consciousness, it's about depth. If I were to move away and never speak to my friends of many years, I wouldn't miss them. I would hope for their happiness and wellbeing always, but I would not miss them. When I am with them, they all generally talk my ear off, they regard me as someone very wise, they feel heard, understood and better ....if I throw them a line, a possible topic to ask me about or on the rare occasion that they ask me a question, they turn the conversation around right back to themselves very quickly or I can see in their eyes and body language, they are not really listening. I genuinely am interested in people, the world, life beyond this level of existence; when I ask questions and in depth follow up questions, it is not simply a practice of skill, it is because I genuinely enjoy learning about life and others. But it doesn't come back. I spoke a couple times to a gentleman I met on Eharmony, and at the beginning of our 2nd phone conversation he said "wow, you really were interested. Most of the time people just talk and I listen, but you really listen and ask in depth questions". Not something I really ever experience with others. And when I listen to most people's thoughts on issues or how they live or the challenges they face.....I just think.....not a really awake consciousness and I feel lonely. My one boyfriend, said most gay men (this is his opinion) don't really want intimacy; they just want a convenient partner so they are not alone, someone to do things with and someone to have convenient sex with. Other than these few couples I follow on YT, I don't see a lot of great depth either or desire for deep relationship connection.....not saying it is across the board. And what I hear from most people gay or str8 is "I want this, and I want, I want, I want that in a partner". I never hear someone say, 'I have this to offer, I want to share these qualities, and I'd like to contribute to someone's life in these positive ways'....it's always 'what I want" and usually outrightly expressed or veiled is the qualifier that they want these things only if it is convenient, and not requiring too much emotional, psychological and spiritual commitment or effort on their part; the kind of commitment and intimacy that David Brooks writes about seems very rare. Oprah says to live your life at the highest level of excellence, quality and beauty and life will be drawn to you, the good will come; maybe.....I am so happy for people I admire and the couples I follow who seem to have deep rich soul connections, but I have lived across the board as Oprah speaks of - spiritually, in terms of fitness and nutrition, artistically, and in terms of intellectual curiosity......but it hasn't been my destiny to connect with like minds.....and I feel internal pain a lot. But, I always put forth positivity, a good face, try to be a good friend to others and do my best to keep myself lifted by focusing each day on all that is good, positive and the things I can be grateful for.....but I often think, if it keeps on this way, I think I may check out early; not at all suicidal now, but I wouldn't want to go the rest of the way like this. It was lonely in my family, though I love them, lonely in school and society, in the gay community and in my circle of friends. I hear of people who commit suicide and all the people around them are shocked and say things like "I never knew he/she was struggling, they seemed so happy and positive; this is such a surprise".....yup I totally get why they ended it, it's like a slow death inside....I think the people in my life too would be surprised.
I feel so called out and yet heard in this comment. I would suggest that you join communities that are all about making spaces safe and all about fostering healthy relationships. To elaborate, try to actually search for communities that value the values you desire in friendships. I say this because through a group counseling session, I met friends who actually understand the importance of making everyone feel seen, heard and valued in the friendship. It feels like they are hugging everytime I'm around them. So please don't check out, check into some spaces that will do you good and if you can, maybe some therapy. Sending you lots of love.❤️
Thanks for sharing your approach! It’s great that you’ve found a balance that works for both of you. Everyone’s relationship dynamics are unique, and what matters most is what feels right for you both. Wishing you all the best in your arrangement!🥰
AT 20:45 dude admits he came home to a dead body. Whether he was gay nor not shouldn't be the question. Call the police when you stumble on dead bodies.
I feel as though the problem of being lonely as one ages, especially in the gay community is contributed to by many factors. The first one is that the primary mode of meeting is through hook-up sites, with algorithms that are aimed at just cashing in on individuals within the community. This, therefore, just creates a hookup culture, just as can be now seem even in the straight dating world. The issue mostly here is social media which upholds superficial standards, and toxicity. The other thing is the issue of activities and meet up places for gay individuals. Most if not all avenues for gay individuals to meet are bars and clubs. And the main aim of these is mostly to just get as much money from the clientele. And it must be pointed out, that there is a certain percentage of gay individuals who do not prefer hook ups or meeting up in bars. What this does, as can be imagined, is that they feel that there is nothing for them that the community can offer. The other thing, is that the primary modes of interactions, do not foster, the letting down of guards, for people to meet, be vulnerable and connect on a deeper, level so what one gets, is that the gay community, is forced to have an identity associated with promiscuity, sexually transmitted diseases, drugs, alcoholism and loneliness. I do think that in as much as there has been a push for protection for gay individuals, by various gay organizations, I feel that it is time, that some effort is directed, towards, improving the quality-of-life experiences for gay individuals, I sure, as hell know, that this is gonna take time, but it is well worth it.
I live in London and the gay scene isn’t focused only on bars, there are loads of gay activity groups and I recently even heard of a centre with in person support groups (London Friend). The gay scene in London at first glance will seem just like a load of clubs and bars, but if someone is willing to do a bit of research they can find other stuff. I used an LGBT listening service called Switchboard run by volunteers and they gave me some suggestions for places to meet guys. I had been using meetup for gay social events and honestly I never really had a good time, just drinking and talking with guys I had nothing in common with other than being gay, and really my way of being gay was generally different from theirs (I’m more demiseuxal/greysexual). So now I’m trying to stay away from gay parties and gay bars and try more activity based stuff.
I was divorced in 2019 and between the heartache and the loneliness my life has been literally destroyed at this point for the last four orfive years. It’s been a nightmare of a journey about the only thing I learned from it was how strong. I’m an older gay male 60 years old and I know that promote likely in my future at all I have no one left. When I was divorced one month, I lost all of my immediate family and then in that July about two or three months later I lost every single friend I ever had in the world, so I know firsthand what it’s like to be all alone, and I have absolutely no one there. No one to hold your hand no one to joke with no one to fight with no one to laugh with just.
I do like the idea of going out more and doing something new. However, my mind is notorious at putting myself down as I tend to listen to negative thoughts. This makes me fearful and anxious to the point if not willing to do anything for some time besides the most mandatory things. I got approached numerous times in real life and yet always felt tense, aloof and talked random shit because it seemed awkward. I also almost self-reject somedays. On the other hand, relying on apps tortures my soul because I don't know how to play the game right and look for a deeper connection. What would suggest to overcome fear and reduce self-doubt when doing something new for myself and to open up for/meet new people? I feel like a walking contradiction - sometimes act bold like taking a far away trip solo and at the same time am afraid of meeting new people in away.
Try to use you’re imagination to think about “what ifs” of possibilities rather than limitations. Think about being accepted and not rejected. The mind is very powerful and visualizations can be great way to reprogram this
I'm both an introvert and an extrovert at the same time. I can be very social, but I also prefer to be alone too. Society tend to see being alone as a negative thing, but I find that I'm most at peace with myself when I'm alone. I feel more centered and calmed when I'm alone. I need to be left alone for 3 to 4 hours before I go to bed at night. When I want to be around people, I go to the malls or social events. I can be very outgoing at work and I can be very chatty with everyone around me and make everyone laugh. My co-workers think that I'm a social butterfly and I'm known to be a fun person, but after work, I just want to be left alone. I feel like I'm drained of all my energy and I need to recharge myself. The guy in the red shirt probably has "Borderline" disorder personality traits. The way he described himself is a classic case of someone with "Borderline" personality. People with this personality has an extreme fear of abandonment and rejections. They grew up in a home where their primary caregivers were inconsistent during their childhood. They desperately want to be in an intimate relationship with someone, but at the same time they want to push their partner away when they are in an intimate relationship. It's a tug of war when you are dating someone who has Borderline personality traits. They tend to push their partners away, but then they try to pull their partners back when they feel like they are about to lose their partner. They constantly move in and pull back when they are in a relationship. They want to be close and distant to their partner at the same time. They have two opposite sides to them. Their partners ended up feeling very confused.
I don't think casual sex is great at all as he mentions around 54:00. I think it's actually dehumanizing and cruel to treat another human being like a sex object. I also get extremely offended when I get hit up on Grindr by a guy in an open relationship looking for "NSA". I'm an actual human being with a heart and feelings. It's not humane or kind to treat another person like a sex object.
I think if the podcast was more of a back and forth conversation it would be a little more appealing. The guys say how they feel, but questioning each other giving examples would help to understand even more where they're coming from.
I came out Sept 1999 and the ended there. Never have a boyfriend or a one night stand. I am too ugly and I am so used to been alone and independent. I know I'll die alone.
Yes, the gay scene is mostly based on physical strong build hot appearance. If you don’t match that, you’re alone. When you look strong build, hit etc, you’re never alone and get plenty of physical contact.
Loneliness doesn’t just have to do with attraction. There are so many factors that contribute to loneliness. Have you checked out our Lone wolf syndrome episode yet?
@@brentduanefosterBut let’s face it, hot good looking men get a wayyyyy better chance to get physical contact and touch than those less physically less fortunate.
It is better to be alone alone than alone in company. And not all gay men live in places where there’s gay stuff, bars, bathhouses, cruising clubs. Which are not necessarily THE way to connect but it’s good to have something offline where you go and see what happens. Those in more remote places mostly rely on apps, but very often if not virtually always the grass is greener elsewhere. Profiles of sexy and interesting men who are hours and hours away. Men nearby are often perceived as unattractive and/or of no real interest for whatsoever reasons. So one decides not to date at all instead of ending up with some nearby guy for the sake of socialising. But after a while you’ll feel the weight of loneliness that kills off your happiness by inches and then you feel the temptation and pressure to socialise once more with men who are okay but not really your cup of tea. There has to be a third option.
Absolutely, sex can definitely be funny and doesn’t always have to be perfect or deeply meaningful. Sometimes it’s just about enjoying the moment and having a good laugh! Thanks for bringing a fun perspective to the conversation.😍
If only I could turn back the clock, I would go back to 1985. I believe I was a happier human being some 40 years ago. Now I am completely cut off from the gay world. It's been ages since I last went to Geneva, and now I am loath to go there. The reason I no longer love Geneva is because at some point I stupidly threw myself in the lion's den and started to more or less regularly attend services at some evangelical church. One of the pastor there tried to pray the gay away. Religious trauma? Well, yes, but rather mild. Luckily, I read Marlene Winell's "Leaving the fold" and some other books by atheists. I never went through conversion therapy. It was a "near miss" or a "narrow escape", if this makes any sense. Now at 60, I have completely forgone dating. 60 is much too late to find a lifetime partner. It's like wishing upon a star. With aging, I realize I have grown bitter and cynical. I am way too old for pipe dreams and castles in the air. I think I have had my fair share of "lalaland", if you know what I mean. I have found coping mechanisms to fend off suicide ideation.
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it’s understandable that your experiences have shaped how you feel about the world today. It’s never too late to find happiness or make changes in your life, even if it feels like a distant dream. Your journey is valid, and we're really glad to hear you’ve found ways to cope and seek support.💞❤
As someone who was alone for the majority of his life... Now I don't regret it one bit , specially when I see the blatant promiscuity , pettiness, toxicity and superficiality of the "rainbow community " . There's no place there for men who are eager to share affection with someone and being faithful and honest and want long term committed relationships.... And then there's the issue of trying to find happiness and peace in this sick and dysfunctional society as a lone rainbow wolf :/
One thing also that is not mentioned is that gay men only rate by strong physique… They look for their mirror or photocopy period also. At least here in Québec, yes. But it’s the same everywhere, I think.. It has become impossible to match up to..
Hi since my mother died last year 2023 .in November . .I've moved in with my partner . . .I feel lonely when I'm on my own . My partner works all day .when he gets home I'm pleased to see him . But I feel I'm not wanted .it feels every thing I do .is wrong or what I say . I'm to frightened to open my mouth . As I would get something back which is sarcastic . . .to be honest I'm fed up with living . I have no friends . expect old people who live next door .. . .I've felt suicidal many times ..but it's the coward way out . .I talk to my self all the time . X cry . . . I feel a prisoner in his bungalow . But I have no money to move out as I cannot rent or buy a house of my own . Or survive . . .I'm open to suggestions ... By the way I'm gay and 63 years old
We are so sorry you're going through this. Losing your mother and feeling alone in your relationship must be really tough. Sending you strength and care. ❤
i want to associate loneliness with security i can't feel secure enough at work or home with people so i withdraw and set alone people at work are talking about their heterosexual relations all the time and when they ask me i lie because i'm from Egypt and the culture here is very shameful and also illegal to be gay it could end up in prison or fired from work and i needed it alot at home i tried to come out and they didn't understand the ideas, my parent are so simple people they said how you boy attracted to boys. so i withdraw at my room all the time and hide me to be secure but luckily i have a laptop and watch you to feel not alone
Interesting stories - I recognise the situational / framework stuff. I'm 72. Sixty years of being gay across UK society from 1960's. From pre-lawful, policed, social rejection, diagnosed with epilepsy, then 1980's HIV gay plague, church stuff - (loved by God - excommunicated by His dysfunctional Church), convinced I was healed, married in 1987, failed marriage and divorce 2000, encountered my now partner of 22 years but had to emigrate with him in 2007. Living in Germany since without ability to speak fluent conversational German in the countryside near his family. I used to be socially connected in UK despite rejections .But the german life is the killer. We move later this year. I hope to break out of my prison. My comment? It's all fight - and ride out the worst. Believe in a better day. And for me - just me? - I have my God with me at my side. (Weird? remember the name for Jesus. Immanuel). I talk to Him. Cue Westlife - 'when I'm down' etc .. Thanks guys. And look outwards as you can.
❤❤❤🏳️🌈🏳️🌈💜💜💕 I'm looking for gay men in Sonoma County in Rohnert Park California they need to have a nightclub in Rohnert Park California for the gay community also I'm looking for a guy loves to cook loves Romance listen to each other and go for a walk and talk our problems out love it when it's on the Topix I love nature I love life and it's very important I love to get to know if that money idea idea on a lot of cookbooks I used to be a LVN and I love my job and I love people I'm very open and honest with myself and I'm honest with other people I like to put a smile on people's faces when I worked in the hospital and see them go home if I'm looking for a date it's hard in Summit County it'd be nice looking for officer Israeli a bananas with itself weather South in on this with others I understand it has to be very sweet and very private when it comes to relationship it has to be sometimes when it officer or fireman has to be very private and courtesy and respectful also❤❤❤❤
Why, as a therapist, did you even mention religion as your personal answer to existential loneliness ? I found this very unnecessary, and in my country, it would be considered to be unprofessional. The difficult position you are in is that you are attempting to be professional but personal at the same time, but it means you needs to be more mindful I think.
We all complain about being lonely but yet we treat others like siht.
I use solitude to protect myself from an insane and brutal world. That can and often does lead to loneliness. I am looking for ways out of this cycle. ❤🙏🌈
I 100% relate to you and I can fall into that still as well. Move towards community more. Its helped me a lot
I was related to your feeling, but now I have moved a next forwards step to sense of connection with myself. I started to join in a gym club not because I wanted to find somebody but to have real connections with my inside during working out. So I think it would be better if you find some interesting things to immerse in such as your hobbies to avoid being empty.
@@vuhuy4186 This is a good way to look at it. Inspiring even.
Is not easy, cause thar brutal insane world is out ther & it doesn’t seem will get any better
That idea of protecting one's self is relatable. I try to always keep in mind that there's still a lot of very good people out there doing nice things.
I’m 59’, I came out at 14 years of age . I have been living with HIV for 37 years since 1987 .
I’m visiting Rome Italy at the moment. I’m exploring my spiritual journey and reconnecting with the catholic faith. I have noticed quite a few gay men involved in the church here in Italy.
I am lonely I would love to explore this city with someone special but as gay men we have to face up to difficult feelings and emotions..
I look my loneliness in the face and say to myself ok I will deal with this and it will not overwhelm me.
Gay men are tough, we have to be..
Hang on in there brothers , we’ll get through this 🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and inspiring message. Your resilience and courage shine through, and it’s beautiful to hear how you’re reconnecting with your faith while exploring Rome. Loneliness can be so tough to face, but your strength in acknowledging it and moving forward is truly admirable. Hang in there-you’re right, we are tough, and we’ve got each other. Sending you love and support from afar, brother. ❤🙏
@@GayMenGoingDeeper What a beautiful response to my comment , thanks you guys 🙏❤
You're telling my story, Matt! It's like a mirror!
"Dating" is exhausting and my last date was about 5 years ago. It seems I have succumbed to a life of celibacy for over ten years and I have been using this time to work on my self-awareness and spiritual growth. During childhood, fear of abandonment was sometimes used against me as a means of manipulation so I also have been working with issues regarding anxiousness and knowing that someone will be there for me. I don't want to own anyone and I don't want to capture them, I just need the comfort in knowing we have each other's best interests at heart along with communication. IF I meet "the one", it needs to evolve organically, however, cultivating close friendships is always good and to be honest, I like to think the "the one" will also be my best friend as we keep each other in check learning and evolving!
I also relate to what Michael was saying about trying to fill the loneliness void through sex not being in alignment when I was in my twenties and I felt worse afterward.
I love this podcast. I just want to hug all of you. Thank you for being here.
I love hugs and sending one right back at cha 🤗
It’s really inspiring 😢
Thank you for sharing this important video. Loneliness has been a deep struggle of mine for quite some time now. I feel a disconnect with the world surrounding me, with family and friends. There is so much confusion and many things I don't understand, which amplify the feeling of loneliness (if that makes sense). It's no wonder I want to cry my eyes out so much. Loneliness is not something I wish upon anyone. It's something I'm trying to learn about, learn from and heal through. If I take anything from this, I've learned that loneliness is not my fault. Loneliness is a struggle, but it isn't forever.
I feel you so much on this. Its so painful.
I am trying to learn to move towards connection to alleviate loneliness but i also know how important it is to be comfortable with loneliness to a certain degree. It can become solitude when we get comfortable with it and stop judging it.
I love these podcasts.
Thank you so much.🥰
I’m not lonely in my relationship. I used to have friends that I enjoyed sharing time with. At 60 I am finding it challenging to connect with friends
Finding a balance is surely the aim. Friends enrich my life in many ways, but I need time alone. Listening to music, podcasts (!), emptying my mind from that constant inner dialogue.
Ps love your beards 😂❤
Absolutely, finding that balance is key! We all need our moments of solo time to recharge-sometimes even just to escape our own inner chatter. Glad to hear you enjoy the podcasts! And thanks for the beard love-we’ll take that as a compliment to our inner zen as well!
🧔♂😍
I have dealt with all four types of loneliness that were described. I live in a New York, not exactly a one-stoplight town, have spent years and years on just about every type of therapy to deal with some of the underlying depression and anxiety, participated in various activities to meet people, and still feel completely bereft of any type of companionship. I have some closer friends but they are scattered all over the country, but no one in my city that I see on an even a semi-regular basis. I think in June during Pride month it feels a bit more acute because it feels like one large party that I'm not invited to. I know it's harder to make friends when you're older, but it shouldn't be as arduous as I'm experiencing. The "pit of despair" mentioned describes how I feel right now and I don't know how to describe the pain as anything other than unbearable.
Everyone is so self aware 😮 I actually relate to Matt a lot. I didnt think there were guys who felt like i do.🤔
Me too..
We’re here 🤗❤
Your all lovely ,loving , wonderful beautiful men , perfection in authenticity
Thank you Steve🙏
I don't think I've ever related to Calan more than when he's talking about being direct and pragmatic in his communication and how others struggle to accept him for it!
Thanks for the love!
He is what most people would consider to be a "kind" person. He claims that he's in tune with his emotions, but at the same time, is a straight shooter.
While there is nothing wrong with that, it can come off as a bit hurtful to those who may not operate the same way. There might be a lack of empathy or willingness to see things from another perspective.
Such a rich topic and discussion as always. Thank you all. I have such conflicted thoughts in my mind when it comes to the experience of loneliness. As an introvert (Pisces Moon haha), I love the experience of solitude as the typical Hermit of the Tarot. That being said, I also have had some truly heartfelt friendship connections. At the same time, I have lived through what you all eloquently described as "existential loneliness". It is as though I walk this in-between, neither this nor that space in most areas of my life. So I see loneliness as a product of rejection and also fear of rejection. I would say that solitude ironically heals my loneliness.
I think we are the same person lol
Thank🙏s for sharing all your thoughts with us
@@mattlandsiedel same indeed. :)
I’ve been blessed enough not to deal with loneliness in the last years, but I definitely was a lonely child, in the closet and confused. But I think lots of us feel lonely sometimes depending on the circumstances. So in my experience the best attitude is what Calan says: force ourselves and make our best effort to make plans with others, get out there and connect, call our friends and family, join a group of something that interests us, anything; but we cannot expect all of our loved ones will come knocking on our door with a whole picnic plan for us. Thanks as always, guys, good vibes
Yes I fully agree. When he said that it resonated with me too. We need take action to alleviate the loneliness.
Once again related to a lot of what the hosts had to say; I've definitely suffered from chronic loneliness, emotional loneliness, social loneliness. I've used food, sex, video games, social media, alcohol, drugs, and other forms of media to try and cope with those painful feelings. And I think increasingly in Western society it's harder to break out of the cycle of loneliness because so much of our interactions have moved into the virtual space, and then again as a queer person, it feels that much harder to find authentic connection when the majority of spaces where one might connect with other queers seem to be centered around partying and sex.
This podcast has been an integral part of a wonderful phase of healing and growth for me, coupled with my own diligent internal work, therapy, and genuine connections with supportive and understanding friends. I've also had the incredible fortune to connect with an emotionally intelligent lover who has come alongside me in my journey and created space for me to explore and process my unhealthy attachment style(s) and practice healthier ways of being for myself.
It seems like it's been a very long road of trying to do this work on myself; I think it's something you really can't rush and it can be a very lonely(ha) and challenging road. If I could go back and offer myself advice or encouragement, I think I would just tell myself what I've been repeating all along: "You're worth it. I'm worth it." If I had a friend or even just an acquaintance who was struggling as I have, I would never tell them they should just give up or it's not worth it, that's insane! So why would I ever speak that way to myself?
To anyone who might read this, I promise if you invest in yourself, if you explore your internal world with curiosity and compassion, if you build positive self-belief, you will see the benefits and you will start to attract the people you deserve and want to be around. Peace love and rainbows
Thank you for sharing so openly and vulnerably. It sounds like you've been through such a profound journey, and it’s incredible to see how much growth and healing you've achieved. Your insight about the power of self-compassion and investing in yourself is truly inspiring. It's a reminder that we’re all worth the time and effort it takes to heal. We're so glad that the podcast has been a part of that journey for you, and it’s beautiful to hear about the supportive connections you've made along the way. Sending you peace, love, and rainbows right back! 🌈✨
Thank you guys for sharing your experiences , listening to you three has provoked my own feelings and thoughts, I see how I revolve thoughts that keep me away from new experiences that would connect me to others , so helpful, thank you men ❤
We're glad our conversation resonated with you! It's amazing how sharing experiences can spark self-reflection and open new doors to connection. Embracing those thoughts and feelings can lead to exciting new experiences. Thank you for tuning in! 🌟
I just found you guys. I'm really appreciating what I've heard so far. Definitely feeling like loneliness has been part of who I am for a very long time.
What was said starting at around 48:00 about adequacy was really empowering to hear. Im definitely going to try to keep that stuff in mind in my daily life. Thanks for the insight guys
I'm so glad I have found a podcast/youtube channel like this. I'm feeling a whole load of emotions when dealing with my sexuality, and listening to you guys helps a lot. Thank you!
This warms our collective hearts, thank you! ❤
Today i was finally given this in my Feed. I’am choose to be alone but always eager to be outside with someone. I hope I can break this cycle. I can’t wait to learn here.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. We're glad you found us, and we hope our content helps you on your journey. You're not alone in this, and we're here to support you.🥰
Thanks!
Thanks for your generous donation, it helps support the growth of this community. Much gratitude! 🙏
14:37 I lived my school life exactly like that. Just roaming around corridors till the bell rang cause I had no one to be with. Don't know how I competed that phase of life
24:40 I was the same way till last 6 months. Taking extra measures, doing all the chores and helping my mom putting my studies aside. All for nothing. They don't even acknowledge what I did for them
And I too felt different. Like I didn't fit in any group in class. I understand that feeling
But unlike you, I didn't go out of my way to fake who I was, I stayed alone. It cost me a lot of chances at friendships, genuine connection and general fun time with friends(possible friends)
We are ok , our culture is the problem
We are the gift
Nothing to be concerned with as we are a gift to our world
I fully agree. We are a product of our culture in a society that is trying to tell us to not to be who we are
So true. But what is our gift in exchange? Being ostracized, harassed, molested, jailed or killed for being " the gift"?
It is pretty unfair.
Also there is no "gay culture", nor " gay community".
It is a fraudulous western concept.
Homosexual men, all around the world, are mostly lonely, struggling with hardcore homophobia and have to fear for their lives.
The problem with western homosexual men is that they are mostly brainwashed by the " gay/pride/feminist/lgbtqi+" propaganda.
Well, life as a homo man is not a rainbow, even though if you were born Spartian, and it has nothing to do with marriage, adoption or any other mimicking of the heterosual way of life. Neither it has to do with " queerness, anti patriarchy or anti racism.
Even the word " gay" is outrageous and idiotic, we are not gay, but men who love men in a sexually/romantically way.
Some of us are masculine, other are feminine, it is complementary.
And we should feel blessed to not have to be attracted and having to deal sexually with females.
Gods made us free from the inferior need of procreation.
We could be an army of lovers, but we are all trapped by Grindr.
Wow wow 😮 I don't know where to start. I just found this video and it sooooo important to talk about you handsome guys covered great insightful topics do more. Great job guys ❤🌈 🙏 your all beautiful men
Thank you for the heartfelt words! We're thrilled you found the video important and enjoyed our discussions. Stay tuned for more discussions, and we appreciate your support! 🌈❤🙏
This was really deep and interesting. Very relatable. Thank you guys for that. Over 1 hour time went really quickly for me. And I love this "power of vulnerability"
Our pleasure! Thanks for sharing
I used to think I was lonely but as I got older I realised that much of what I went through was solitude not loneliness.
Christopher
Australia
Ah, loneliness. At some point you fall in love with it. Thank you for an interesting discussion. It's lovely to discover something relatable. Bless your hearts.
I feel the same way about suffering. I wouldn’t say I am in love with it but I feel like I have become immune to it because I have spent a lot of time tolerating it. - Matt
@@GayMenGoingDeeper Thanks for the response, Matt. Suffering and pain seem difficult to process and accept. At the same time pushing it all back may be more harmful. You just let it be and learn, then grow. We live and we learn. As a quite new person in the community, I begin to realise that there is more depth to pain and struggling here. To be a happier gay person, you probably need to accept more challenges. I sincerely hope it gets better as we learn from experiences. Open discussions like this one feel like a warm hug. We all need that somedays.
You guys are such sweet and nice people. Wish I could have you guys as friends❤❤
I have never had friends, from childhood to adulthood, not as kid or teenager or Marine or after my time in the military to this day am very lonely. my loneliness got even worse since, I lost my partner Anthony 3 years ago to dementia in my arms at our home in Missouri. where I live gays are not accepted, I live a private life on a farm outside Lebanon, Mo. I have tried to make friends all my life but have always been left out & or just don't fit in. you would not know that I'm gay because I don't play or act the part period. I feel that this is what must be what is met for me, thus I have learned to accept. even being in the military didn't bring me friends, I'm a good man & was with my partner for 24 years before he passed away, I seek help but am still lonely, pushed away, feel that am not wanted or needed in life, I know that somewhere is that friend out there but after 63 yrs, still looking. I've never done drugs, had run ins with the law, treat people wrong, ect....what do you do with a person who is in my situation?
We're deeply moved by your story and the challenges you've faced. Your resilience and strength shine through despite the loneliness you've endured. You're a good person deserving of love and connection, and we hope you find the support and companionship you're seeking. *Virtual Hugs* 🥰🤗
@@GayMenGoingDeeper thank you
@@donbowles6386 You are most welcome.💕
I am really trying to love myself and love just being with myself. But I really struggle with that and I am realizing at 38 years old that my whole life, my self-worth and value was placed in being with others -- both family and friends -- and knowing they desire to be with me. So I am really confronting these new themes of loneliness and feeling worthless head-on and it is quite uncomfortable. With that said, I am thankful for guys like you and videos like these that has helped me start processing the emotions and ultimately has helped me remember that my worth is not determined by how anyone else thinks or feels about me.
I have a similar to yours but I got a family but unfortunately I am bit repressed on my sexuality. I am not sure what is my sexuality. I sometimes likes girls or male or in-between. But I prefer woman more than males emotionally. Sexually,it goes depending the mood. I can from a protestant family on Puerto Rico( If case you ask if there is gay rights here. Welp there is gay rights here. It just I happened to come from Christian family that goes by generations. I have isolated myself or never attempted to be in relationships in fear of my family or fear of what said person what I date should feel about my sexuality. I honestly do not have people much LGBT people or friendships. I was also raised overprotected by my parents due to their bad childhood they had and they wanted to have all the good childhood they never had on their past but it sort of made me childish or pretty dependent or passive which is not a good trait to have on living these highly competitive and fast paced world. I felt some loneliness but also I felt not being myself, pretending, represing emotions. Yes , I have a brother and sister who loves me and parent that never fails to supplies what I needed materially or health wise and sometimes emotionally. I feel lost, confused, not sure who I am really am and I do not trust my abilities or feel stagnated by not experiencing many good things like independence, competence, feeling I can do stuff on my own, not letting others defines me or feeling confident or find what is my passion.
This is probably the best episode of GMGD episode I’ve seen thus far. I can identify with many of the points all three of you raise, particular Matt and Michael. Matt’s desire for self-authenticity and Michael’s assertion that he has his own back both really resonate with me personally. In my life, I’ve had a propensity to fall in love with impossible relationships, be they in real life or, more recently, people I’ve only met online. I guess fear of rejection is my ultimate fear. I tend to be very dogged in my pursuit of affairs of the heart. My current crisis involves someone I’ve only met online who I believe is in a mixed-orientation marriage. I’ve complimented this person a number of times online, but it never seems to be reciprocated. I’ve commented about this on one of your other GMGD episodes. I’m about at the point to try to move on from this person, to avoid any further obsession with him. One can’t make another person love them. As has been somewhere said, “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.”
If someone can’t meet you where you’re at I am a firm believer that it not worth investing anymore time or energy. Easier said that done I know but it’s always the goal for me
Another great episode. Thanks guys!
Thanks for tuning in
I just want to give you all a hug
It would be wonderful if the world teaches this in grade schools
Hugs right back 🤗
It sucks that sometimes things don’t work or go our way and we end up alone.
Learning that I am demisexual has been huge in helping me learn to accept myself since it makes me feel validated. This revelation came as a bit of a surprise but it explains a lot of my dating history and why I date far less than most people. I relate most to Matt's experience except that I've usually been an outsider, occasionally a loner, and never in any popular social groups, though I always longed to be a part of that.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Great to learn of another gay demisexual man out there 👍🏼
@@mattlandsiedel Thank you so much for the comment! It probably will make the dating life a bit more of a challenge in some ways by being demisexual but the mere fact of knowing what you are looking for and what you need emotionally does cut out a lot of noise.
Loneliness like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder! I consider myself a crossbreed between a long wolf and a social butterfly! alone time for me is a way to recharge, while being social is a away to release that energy! in my experience with loneliness, that is when I feel the most spiritually connected with myself and the world. Being social is just as spiritually charging, in the sense, that it is an opportunity to share that energy with someone's loneliness; if that makes any sense!?
I came late to the party. It's taking a while to catch up with all the videos. Thank you for all you do.
I’m feeling this at the moment, I wonder if gay men feel this in a different way than others. I used to blend with people so easily but that was because I had no sense of self or boundaries. I’m more guarded now but still long for intense connection. But the world has taught me I’m wrong for wanting that.
Damn, so happy this was sent to me. Very informative for gay men (line wolves). When my friend and I were kids, she always called me "the lone wolf". Never got it until later on my journey.
Yes, just started in listening to this recording, thank you - haven't finished. A gay couple that I follow on YT, one of several, is Shiba & Koji. That kind of deep rich spirit connection seems very rare, their videos just bring tears to my eyes. I have many social friends. People see me in a positive light. Yet, I feel very alone thru much of my life, and even among my friends. It is at the level of consciousness, it's about depth. If I were to move away and never speak to my friends of many years, I wouldn't miss them. I would hope for their happiness and wellbeing always, but I would not miss them. When I am with them, they all generally talk my ear off, they regard me as someone very wise, they feel heard, understood and better ....if I throw them a line, a possible topic to ask me about or on the rare occasion that they ask me a question, they turn the conversation around right back to themselves very quickly or I can see in their eyes and body language, they are not really listening. I genuinely am interested in people, the world, life beyond this level of existence; when I ask questions and in depth follow up questions, it is not simply a practice of skill, it is because I genuinely enjoy learning about life and others. But it doesn't come back. I spoke a couple times to a gentleman I met on Eharmony, and at the beginning of our 2nd phone conversation he said "wow, you really were interested. Most of the time people just talk and I listen, but you really listen and ask in depth questions". Not something I really ever experience with others. And when I listen to most people's thoughts on issues or how they live or the challenges they face.....I just think.....not a really awake consciousness and I feel lonely. My one boyfriend, said most gay men (this is his opinion) don't really want intimacy; they just want a convenient partner so they are not alone, someone to do things with and someone to have convenient sex with. Other than these few couples I follow on YT, I don't see a lot of great depth either or desire for deep relationship connection.....not saying it is across the board. And what I hear from most people gay or str8 is "I want this, and I want, I want, I want that in a partner". I never hear someone say, 'I have this to offer, I want to share these qualities, and I'd like to contribute to someone's life in these positive ways'....it's always 'what I want" and usually outrightly expressed or veiled is the qualifier that they want these things only if it is convenient, and not requiring too much emotional, psychological and spiritual commitment or effort on their part; the kind of commitment and intimacy that David Brooks writes about seems very rare. Oprah says to live your life at the highest level of excellence, quality and beauty and life will be drawn to you, the good will come; maybe.....I am so happy for people I admire and the couples I follow who seem to have deep rich soul connections, but I have lived across the board as Oprah speaks of - spiritually, in terms of fitness and nutrition, artistically, and in terms of intellectual curiosity......but it hasn't been my destiny to connect with like minds.....and I feel internal pain a lot. But, I always put forth positivity, a good face, try to be a good friend to others and do my best to keep myself lifted by focusing each day on all that is good, positive and the things I can be grateful for.....but I often think, if it keeps on this way, I think I may check out early; not at all suicidal now, but I wouldn't want to go the rest of the way like this. It was lonely in my family, though I love them, lonely in school and society, in the gay community and in my circle of friends. I hear of people who commit suicide and all the people around them are shocked and say things like "I never knew he/she was struggling, they seemed so happy and positive; this is such a surprise".....yup I totally get why they ended it, it's like a slow death inside....I think the people in my life too would be surprised.
I feel so called out and yet heard in this comment. I would suggest that you join communities that are all about making spaces safe and all about fostering healthy relationships. To elaborate, try to actually search for communities that value the values you desire in friendships. I say this because through a group counseling session, I met friends who actually understand the importance of making everyone feel seen, heard and valued in the friendship. It feels like they are hugging everytime I'm around them. So please don't check out, check into some spaces that will do you good and if you can, maybe some therapy. Sending you lots of love.❤️
@@NELSONVANSCHALKWYK 🙆🏻♀👍🙋🏻♂
I’m dubious about total commitment, so see my partner 3 days a week. We have our own flats, then meet up at the weekend
Thanks for sharing your approach! It’s great that you’ve found a balance that works for both of you. Everyone’s relationship dynamics are unique, and what matters most is what feels right for you both. Wishing you all the best in your arrangement!🥰
AT 20:45 dude admits he came home to a dead body. Whether he was gay nor not shouldn't be the question. Call the police when you stumble on dead bodies.
Great podcast! As always.
I love Matt.
Thank you, GMB. ❤️🩹
Wow!! Great great conversation
Spot on, guys!
Thanks so much! Glad you think so!😉
I feel as though the problem of being lonely as one ages, especially in the gay community is contributed to by many factors. The first one is that the primary mode of meeting is through hook-up sites, with algorithms that are aimed at just cashing in on individuals within the community. This, therefore, just creates a hookup culture, just as can be now seem even in the straight dating world. The issue mostly here is social media which upholds superficial standards, and toxicity. The other thing is the issue of activities and meet up places for gay individuals. Most if not all avenues for gay individuals to meet are bars and clubs. And the main aim of these is mostly to just get as much money from the clientele. And it must be pointed out, that there is a certain percentage of gay individuals who do not prefer hook ups or meeting up in bars. What this does, as can be imagined, is that they feel that there is nothing for them that the community can offer. The other thing, is that the primary modes of interactions, do not foster, the letting down of guards, for people to meet, be vulnerable and connect on a deeper, level so what one gets, is that the gay community, is forced to have an identity associated with promiscuity, sexually transmitted diseases, drugs, alcoholism and loneliness. I do think that in as much as there has been a push for protection for gay individuals, by various gay organizations, I feel that it is time, that some effort is directed, towards, improving the quality-of-life experiences for gay individuals, I sure, as hell know, that this is gonna take time, but it is well worth it.
I live in London and the gay scene isn’t focused only on bars, there are loads of gay activity groups and I recently even heard of a centre with in person support groups (London Friend). The gay scene in London at first glance will seem just like a load of clubs and bars, but if someone is willing to do a bit of research they can find other stuff. I used an LGBT listening service called Switchboard run by volunteers and they gave me some suggestions for places to meet guys. I had been using meetup for gay social events and honestly I never really had a good time, just drinking and talking with guys I had nothing in common with other than being gay, and really my way of being gay was generally different from theirs (I’m more demiseuxal/greysexual). So now I’m trying to stay away from gay parties and gay bars and try more activity based stuff.
I was divorced in 2019 and between the heartache and the loneliness my life has been literally destroyed at this point for the last four orfive years. It’s been a nightmare of a journey about the only thing I learned from it was how strong. I’m an older gay male 60 years old and I know that promote likely in my future at all I have no one left. When I was divorced one month, I lost all of my immediate family and then in that July about two or three months later I lost every single friend I ever had in the world, so I know firsthand what it’s like to be all alone, and I have absolutely no one there. No one to hold your hand no one to joke with no one to fight with no one to laugh with just.
New to this gr3at work men!🎉
Welcome 🤗
Sorry for typo!
This work you guys are doing is deeply important for gay men. You are also very unique and therefore especially valuable. Subscribed and liked!
Thanks Chris 🙏
I do like the idea of going out more and doing something new. However, my mind is notorious at putting myself down as I tend to listen to negative thoughts. This makes me fearful and anxious to the point if not willing to do anything for some time besides the most mandatory things. I got approached numerous times in real life and yet always felt tense, aloof and talked random shit because it seemed awkward. I also almost self-reject somedays. On the other hand, relying on apps tortures my soul because I don't know how to play the game right and look for a deeper connection. What would suggest to overcome fear and reduce self-doubt when doing something new for myself and to open up for/meet new people? I feel like a walking contradiction - sometimes act bold like taking a far away trip solo and at the same time am afraid of meeting new people in away.
Try to use you’re imagination to think about “what ifs” of possibilities rather than limitations. Think about being accepted and not rejected. The mind is very powerful and visualizations can be great way to reprogram this
I'm both an introvert and an extrovert at the same time. I can be very social, but I also prefer to be alone too. Society tend to see being alone as a negative thing, but I find that I'm most at peace with myself when I'm alone. I feel more centered and calmed when I'm alone. I need to be left alone for 3 to 4 hours before I go to bed at night. When I want to be around people, I go to the malls or social events. I can be very outgoing at work and I can be very chatty with everyone around me and make everyone laugh. My co-workers think that I'm a social butterfly and I'm known to be a fun person, but after work, I just want to be left alone. I feel like I'm drained of all my energy and I need to recharge myself.
The guy in the red shirt probably has "Borderline" disorder personality traits. The way he described himself is a classic case of someone with "Borderline" personality. People with this personality has an extreme fear of abandonment and rejections. They grew up in a home where their primary caregivers were inconsistent during their childhood. They desperately want to be in an intimate relationship with someone, but at the same time they want to push their partner away when they are in an intimate relationship. It's a tug of war when you are dating someone who has Borderline personality traits. They tend to push their partners away, but then they try to pull their partners back when they feel like they are about to lose their partner. They constantly move in and pull back when they are in a relationship. They want to be close and distant to their partner at the same time. They have two opposite sides to them. Their partners ended up feeling very confused.
I don't think casual sex is great at all as he mentions around 54:00. I think it's actually dehumanizing and cruel to treat another human being like a sex object. I also get extremely offended when I get hit up on Grindr by a guy in an open relationship looking for "NSA". I'm an actual human being with a heart and feelings. It's not humane or kind to treat another person like a sex object.
Agree with u. I never get it why people can sex without feeling 🤷
Vulnerability 💯
You got that right.❤
Loneliness has different dimensions at different stages of life. As interesting as this is, those taking part are all approximately the same age.
I think if the podcast was more of a back and forth conversation it would be a little more appealing. The guys say how they feel, but questioning each other giving examples would help to understand even more where they're coming from.
I came out Sept 1999 and the ended there. Never have a boyfriend or a one night stand. I am too ugly and I am so used to been alone and independent. I know I'll die alone.
Yes, the gay scene is mostly based on physical strong build hot appearance. If you don’t match that, you’re alone. When you look strong build, hit etc, you’re never alone and get plenty of physical contact.
THANKYOU
If 3 handsome men struggling with loneliness? So what un ugly guy will do ?
Loneliness doesn’t just have to do with attraction. There are so many factors that contribute to loneliness. Have you checked out our Lone wolf syndrome episode yet?
You'd be surprised how many "handsome" men struggle with loneliness.
Looks don't necessarily absolve you from experiencing that.
@@brentduanefosterBut let’s face it, hot good looking men get a wayyyyy better chance to get physical contact and touch than those less physically less fortunate.
@@GayMenGoingDeeperBut let’s face it, hot men with physical string build appeal stand a wayyy better chance than those less fortunate physically.
@@g.noreau291 While that may be true, it doesn't mean that it's always welcomed or is it offered with the right intentions.
Nice topic :)
It is better to be alone alone than alone in company. And not all gay men live in places where there’s gay stuff, bars, bathhouses, cruising clubs. Which are not necessarily THE way to connect but it’s good to have something offline where you go and see what happens. Those in more remote places mostly rely on apps, but very often if not virtually always the grass is greener elsewhere. Profiles of sexy and interesting men who are hours and hours away. Men nearby are often perceived as unattractive and/or of no real interest for whatsoever reasons. So one decides not to date at all instead of ending up with some nearby guy for the sake of socialising. But after a while you’ll feel the weight of loneliness that kills off your happiness by inches and then you feel the temptation and pressure to socialise once more with men who are okay but not really your cup of tea. There has to be a third option.
Sex can actually funny. Not everything needs to have meaning or be perfect.
Absolutely, sex can definitely be funny and doesn’t always have to be perfect or deeply meaningful. Sometimes it’s just about enjoying the moment and having a good laugh! Thanks for bringing a fun perspective to the conversation.😍
If only I could turn back the clock, I would go back to 1985. I believe I was a happier human being some 40 years ago. Now I am completely cut off from the gay world. It's been ages since I last went to Geneva, and now I am loath to go there. The reason I no longer love Geneva is because at some point I stupidly threw myself in the lion's den and started to more or less regularly attend services at some evangelical church. One of the pastor there tried to pray the gay away. Religious trauma? Well, yes, but rather mild. Luckily, I read Marlene Winell's "Leaving the fold" and some other books by atheists. I never went through conversion therapy. It was a "near miss" or a "narrow escape", if this makes any sense. Now at 60, I have completely forgone dating. 60 is much too late to find a lifetime partner. It's like wishing upon a star. With aging, I realize I have grown bitter and cynical. I am way too old for pipe dreams and castles in the air. I think I have had my fair share of "lalaland", if you know what I mean. I have found coping mechanisms to fend off suicide ideation.
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it’s understandable that your experiences have shaped how you feel about the world today. It’s never too late to find happiness or make changes in your life, even if it feels like a distant dream. Your journey is valid, and we're really glad to hear you’ve found ways to cope and seek support.💞❤
As someone who was alone for the majority of his life... Now I don't regret it one bit , specially when I see the blatant promiscuity , pettiness, toxicity and superficiality of the "rainbow community " . There's no place there for men who are eager to share affection with someone and being faithful and honest and want long term committed relationships.... And then there's the issue of trying to find happiness and peace in this sick and dysfunctional society as a lone rainbow wolf :/
And yes, the superficiality of body image seems to be all that matters nowadays.Otherwise you’re disqualified..
One thing also that is not mentioned is that gay men only rate by strong physique… They look for their mirror or photocopy period also. At least here in Québec, yes. But it’s the same everywhere, I think.. It has become impossible to match up to..
handsome trifecta of men on this podcast :)
Awww. Thank you!❤
Great content! Anyone from Switzerland 🇨🇭 interested in these topics?
Hi since my mother died last year 2023 .in November . .I've moved in with my partner . . .I feel lonely when I'm on my own . My partner works all day .when he gets home I'm pleased to see him . But I feel I'm not wanted .it feels every thing I do .is wrong or what I say . I'm to frightened to open my mouth . As I would get something back which is sarcastic . . .to be honest I'm fed up with living . I have no friends . expect old people who live next door .. . .I've felt suicidal many times ..but it's the coward way out . .I talk to my self all the time . X cry . . . I feel a prisoner in his bungalow . But I have no money to move out as I cannot rent or buy a house of my own . Or survive . . .I'm open to suggestions ... By the way I'm gay and 63 years old
We are so sorry you're going through this. Losing your mother and feeling alone in your relationship must be really tough. Sending you strength and care. ❤
@@JasonOxenbury ❤️
i want to associate loneliness with security
i can't feel secure enough at work or home with people so i withdraw and set alone
people at work are talking about their heterosexual relations all the time and when they ask me i lie because i'm from Egypt and the culture here is very shameful and also illegal to be gay
it could end up in prison or fired from work and i needed it alot
at home i tried to come out and they didn't understand the ideas, my parent are so simple people they said how you boy attracted to boys. so i withdraw at my room all the time and hide me to be secure but luckily i have a laptop and watch you to feel not alone
i,m a Older Gay Man From Ohio Who Is Sad and Lonely i Have Not Dated in 3 months
Interesting stories - I recognise the situational / framework stuff. I'm 72. Sixty years of being gay across UK society from 1960's. From pre-lawful, policed, social rejection, diagnosed with epilepsy, then 1980's HIV gay plague, church stuff - (loved by God - excommunicated by His dysfunctional Church), convinced I was healed, married in 1987, failed marriage and divorce 2000, encountered my now partner of 22 years but had to emigrate with him in 2007. Living in Germany since without ability to speak fluent conversational German in the countryside near his family. I used to be socially connected in UK despite rejections .But the german life is the killer. We move later this year. I hope to break out of my prison. My comment? It's all fight - and ride out the worst. Believe in a better day. And for me - just me? - I have my God with me at my side. (Weird? remember the name for Jesus. Immanuel). I talk to Him. Cue Westlife - 'when I'm down' etc .. Thanks guys. And look outwards as you can.
❤❤❤🏳️🌈🏳️🌈💜💜💕 I'm looking for gay men in Sonoma County in Rohnert Park California they need to have a nightclub in Rohnert Park California for the gay community also I'm looking for a guy loves to cook loves Romance listen to each other and go for a walk and talk our problems out love it when it's on the Topix I love nature I love life and it's very important I love to get to know if that money idea idea on a lot of cookbooks I used to be a LVN and I love my job and I love people I'm very open and honest with myself and I'm honest with other people I like to put a smile on people's faces when I worked in the hospital and see them go home if I'm looking for a date it's hard in Summit County it'd be nice looking for officer Israeli a bananas with itself weather South in on this with others I understand it has to be very sweet and very private when it comes to relationship it has to be sometimes when it officer or fireman has to be very private and courtesy and respectful also❤❤❤❤
I feel good for being Eastern European. We are direct 😅😅😅
41:40 complaining about being single? ...try getting married, it fucking sucks
What about it sucks?
Why, as a therapist, did you even mention religion as your personal answer to existential loneliness ? I found this very unnecessary, and in my country, it would be considered to be unprofessional. The difficult position you are in is that you are attempting to be professional but personal at the same time, but it means you needs to be more mindful I think.
Hard to listen to the first 10 minutes😞
:(
You should not say ‘comit suicide’ but instead ‘died by suicide’. Please use more respectful and appropriate language.