Best advice . Don't be friends with a narcissist . If someone insults you and doesn't appreciate your friendship cut them off . Nobody deserves to be mistreated by selfish people who always want attention . I see narcissist for the real pathetic people they are . They are leeches.
+Wednesday's Child Hi there, I'm curious to know your age if thats ok with you. I have done a lot of research and narcs are commonly religious people and charity workers. I gives them a superior feeling over others and provides them with narc supply. Also getting your love sorce from God is outside validation and co dependency. Which religion do you practice? Is it Christianity? If so, dont let them tell you that you were created dirty and sick and then ordered to be washed clean and well again by fear of eternal torture. And please if you continue to practice this religion dont say this to any children as its a form of severe child abuse. You dont need any outside validation to free your soul. You cant heal from outside. You can only heal yourself from within. Remember religion offers the love (heaven) and hate (hell) relationship, same as narcs. I have been down as low as a person can go and I understand how you may feel reading this but its the only way to free yourself. The love you seek is already inside you. You just dont know it yet because of your experiences and upbringing. Your trying to fix yourself from outside in instead of inside out. I've been there and long term you wont be able to have any true happiness because you will live with a fake sense of self based on something that is a myth so you feel safe. Im happy yo help you if you want. Just ask. Ps Its not Gods responsibility. Now you have been a victim its your responsibility to heal yourself emotionally. Not take a take the easy fairytale painless way... you'll never get better!!! You may think you are feeling better from being around these religious people..... and you do but only because they provide you with attention and narc supply and to think anything different is living in denial. I wouldnt tell you this if I didnt care about people and have the soultion. It cost nothing and you heal yourself. Let me know if you would like any honest help and I will point you in the right direction so you can heal yourself!!!
Narcs are abused, neglected traumatised children. Between 5 and 6 years old emotionally. They still should be shown love and guided. Its important to love yourself more than anything. And not in a narc way. Love yourself and talk to yourself like you do or would a child. Once you love yourself you can offer unconditional love to anyone else without judgement or fear of rejection. But yes.... we all take things in at different times in life and take our own journeys. Just remember narcs are abused children. Same as us, otherwise we would have never put up with the abuse. If you had an parent you are now conscious and responsibile for your own emotional well being. We cant blame our parents as they suffered abuse and neglect same as ourselves. You can never fix a narc... only guide them. Take care.
A red flag is someone who constantly puts themself in the role of victim when telling stories, especially of their past relationships, jobs, etc....it's always someone elses's fault, and "poor-poor-me." This is also the mindset of many a criminal.
I agree with you. This sounds exactly like my birth monster. She's always causing trouble in the family and playing the victim and when it comes back to bite her in her fat ass, then it's someone else's fault- never hers.
julian bishop I swear the damage that bitch has done to me, there's no coming back from it. I've only ever truly hated one person in my life and it's her. She doesn't look like a monster but she is.
WitchIn... This is another aspect that really makes me angry. You can't help but to be damaged and distrustful of others (read: the opposite sex)...so men who are hurt by CB's end up distrusting women...and decent kind women like me end up getting treated like we're the ones who did it to them!! I'm not blaming you, I'm simply saying it's not fair that evil people hurt everyone.
Never knew this was even a thing until circumstances put me into close contact with a close family member. In hindsight there has always been something, that I was to young to comprehend, however, after the constant putdowns, amongst numerous other nasty instances, such as bringing me down to my then 6 year old daughter when I was not around, I chose to go no contact, and boy has my life changed for the better. They now are instigating a smear campaign against me to people I work with, who fortunately I made aware of the ploy and instead of damaging me that are showing themselves to be what I said they were. In short this is a very traumatic set of circumstances that I would not wish on anybody, and I'm still clear of as my elderly father is still alive and see them there and around town. (never thought in a million years this would happen to me) all the best in your battle with these 'people'.
thank you, great insight here....I dated a narcissist, he made my life very unsettled...I felt like I was doing something wrong constantly. I finally realized it is not me it's him. And I pulled the eject button...I am thankful I got out to this very day.
It was a relief for me to hear you say that these traits are, in small amounts, a normal part of being human. I am one of those narcissistic millennials, and, with all the talk about narcissism lately, I had become afraid that I was deeply flawed somehow. However, I'm learning the value of shifting from pride in my identity to pride in my work. I got a little banged up, by failure and disappointment in myself, when I started actually DOING things instead of trying to work out what I AM, as a thing separate from the rest of the world. But I've begun to learn that the value I can offer doesn't really come from ME. There are resources--mentors, tools, the mind and body I've been given--and I have choice whether to make good use of them. If I use them wisely, maybe I could become excellent at something. It's like, the excellence is already there, existing independent of me, and I am simply stepping into it. I get the privilege of taking part in the wonders that I admire.
kind of you to drop by, we think often in terms of primary and secondary narcissism, the former being that which we all have and is useful for asserting our needs and indeed healthy, and secondary narcissism which is more malignant. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience with us.
I was unlucky enough to marry someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and after many years of emotional abuse and varying intensity of brief episodes of physical abuse, I decided to end the marriage. Here he is on a rant after finding out I could not afford to pay a $90.00 vet bill, after I had already given him my extra money. A week later, I moved out. This was a common, everyday occurrence, and I am happy to say I am on my path to healing and thankful that I found out the evil that is NPD and saved myself and my daughter. I would just like to say that I recognize the whiny nature of my voice. It is embarrassing to listen to how weak I had become. It is something I am working on and continue to work on. This was a very dark time in my life. th-cam.com/video/jAMkGDiqnsE/w-d-xo.html
I was in relationship with a woman, a corporate executive who was the primary bread winner in the house. She has two kids from a former guy who is most definitely a narc. The toxicity the kids came home with after a weekend at Dads was aggressive and violent. As step dad I tried to hold boundaries and administer love as I know it, but I was constantly demeaned by Dad. Well the old saying " Blood is thicker than water" came to mind when dad decided to confront me at a school function, rip some papers out of my hand and storm off. When I asked my wife to stand up to him and let him know that's not ok, she refused. That was the beginning of the end of the relationship. I was far from perfect as Step Dad, and I have my own bag of childhood karma to grind through, but I am identifying narc tendencies in myself, and am also seeing that my wife was dealing with the residue of her ex. Now I have been discarded. I was totally codependent upon a codependent victim of Narcissistic Dad. The tentacles reach beyond the immediate family...Sad AndAlone
What has been difficult is that I keep finding myself in these types of relationships. My Mum is a narcissist. I've been seeing a therapist and I have recently enrolled in a short course with the school of philosophy. I've never experienced a healthy relationship and I'm struggling to go on. I'm 43.
Here are signs based on my experience: 1. Like a commenter below said, they always play victim. Pay attention to what they're saying- if they're quoting someone, the person is always the "weird" one and they (themselves) are innocent 2. They embellish everything. If she re-quotes someone again, it's highly exaggerated and probably not said that same effect 3. Very passive aggressive. They say one thing, mean another, and can be very good at being fake about it 4 give you gifts as a way to proving how generous they are when it's fake. Real generous people are naturally just giving. Narcs have an agenda. This narc gave me a birthday gift and I had only known her for 2 months on a superficial level. That had agenda written all over it. Compared to my boss, who I work with everyday, maintain a good professional relationship who greeted me happy bday and offered to get me coffee with no expectations 4. Narcs are big gossips. They can't stop talking. They thrive off it 5. Everything is always suspicious and that's how they stir the pot. If someone is constantly late, a normal person would state, "yeah it's difficult bc she's late. I'll chat with her". Narcs make a mountain out of a molehill and say it as an attack. "Omg she's ALWAYS late. Like what's her problem. Don't you think it's weird?" Insert character assassination. 6. They notice everything about everyone, especially if it's negative 7. They pry into your business without shame and want to get personal with you quickly 8. Rule of thumb: if someone talks to you about somebody, most likely, they're talking shit about you to someone else. 9. Narcs don't have close friendships. A Normal person would at least have one close friend. Narcs have no one, just a lot of acquaintances. Not even their siblings want to be around them too often. PS: I've just encountered a grown ass woman who is freaking 50 YEARS OLD who is a narc. My friends and I are in our 30's and don't see how there's any association she would have with us. Yes, friendship is not age restricted but I find it odd that a 50 year old woman would go out of her way to befriend 30 year olds. Why? Because she can't find women her own age or around her age bc they're smart enough not to deal with her immature ass.
Yes to all of the above, also had a narc friend who tried to make friends with a group of women in her town it didn't work because she needed to be the centre of attention but it didn't happen because they are grown ass women and it's not a school ground. Also she needed to be centre of attention and would rage if I one upped her it was quite comical and she's almost 50! She is a shit stirrer and a backstabber and an adulterer! and she is out of my life
Here is a list of what they usually do to their targets : - Insults their target very often. Then lie when confronted about it, or say it was a joke. - When confronted with their behavior, they pretend to be innocent and play the victim. - Everything is always your fault, even when it's obviously not. - They always have a justification for every bad thing they do. They think they're always right. - Very controlling, they tell you how to live, but they can live anyway they want. Very hypocritical. - They accuse you of what they're doing to you (RED FLAG!), it's called Projection. - Portraying themselves as angels outside, when they are actually demons with their family and especially their target. - They want you to fail, while pretending to want you to succeed (they're very convincing). - They never say they are sorry for hurting you (RED FLAG!). - Poison your favorite activities, they don't want you to be happy or to get pleasure. They also poison other useful activities like important skills which will help you in the future. They DO NOT want you to have skills, they want you to be as weak as possible. They don't teach you anything. - Subtly lead a smear campaign against their target, so they isolate it and make sure they don't get help. - When you want to leave the relationship with a narcissist, they beg you to stay with them and cry crocodile tears. They are the best actors. - Sometimes nice, sometimes cruel. You never know where you stand with them. - They pretend to be "victims", and they blame the target for their own behavior. - They are incredibly arrogant and sadistic. They see the target as weak, and deserving to suffer. - They think they are models to be followed. - They are spiritually dead although they might loudly profess some kind of Spiritual Belief.
What happens if alcoholism combines with narcissistic tendencies as in the case of my difficult colleague whom I would like to fire? I fear the repercussions.
The Overt Narc is the Victim straight away you'll spot him. The Covert is kind gentle sweet for a long time then boom he starts screaming at you etc.. blaming & putting you down for nothing. Throws tantrums etc.. it gets bad
thank you for this contribution. I lived with a spouse like this for 27 years and was codependent. In the end I took a lesson from others: I stood up (focused on myself). His response 1) physical abuse and 2) he ran away from the family
This is a good video. I can testify to the emotional damage a narcissist (or similar) can do to a person, especially over the long term. Whether it's friendships or family relationships, the best thing to do, if you can, is to be on your own. Your gut instinct or 'inner voice' that has always been there, warning us, will grow louder and become clearer. Being an empathetic person, it makes it more difficult. I really believe in gut instinct. It's there for a reason.
Narcissists get worse with age, at least the one's I've seen as well as numerous stories I've read. I've never heard of any getting better with age and those that do are probably not full blown Narcs.
+Reese Daniel thanks for your comments. I've worked in PD field for 20+ years on and off. So I'm drawing on clinical experience when I say things, not simply personal experience. My point about PD being a developmental issue is that it changes over time, but is not amenable to interpersonal therapy, and not amenable to interpersonal relational change
As Sam Vaknin points out in his interview, "10 Warning Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist: Sam Vaknin Interview" narcissists are a double-edge sword. They tend to do well in career and such, but in relationships? Well, some do well. He also deals with what you get when you elect a narcissist to high public office. That is where it gets scary because there are a lot of them you see on TV every day, making laws and such.
Just to say I've removed and banned a user from this channel for abusive comments and behaviour. I don't moderate except to remove harmful, hateful or abusive comments. Narcissism as a personality disorder is currently untreatable. Though symptoms will improve as the person gets older. Medication may help for some of the symptoms such as depression and anxiety. There is evidence to support Borderline Personality Disorder being treatable via DBT. (useful information here, www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Personality-disorder/Pages/Definition.aspx and also here www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/personality-disorders/what-is-personality-disorder/#.VLK8JcZq3GI ) People can and do have narcissistic traits which are not a personality disorder and that is treatable. I treat people for that, and also for borderline traits, codependency etc. Many active addicts for example are narcissistic in their relational patterns. Personality disorders however are by definition resistant to change. This is the definition of PD from DSM 5: "An enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior the deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture. This pattern is manifested in two (or more) of the following areas: 1. Cognition (i.e., ways of perceiving and interpreting self, other people and events) 2. Affectivity (i.e., the range, intensity, liability, and appropriateness of emotional response) 3. Interpersonal functioning 4. Impulse control B. The enduring pattern is inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations. C. The enduring pattern leads to clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. D. The pattern is stable and of long duration, and its onset can be traced back at least to adolescence or early adulthood. E. The enduring pattern is not better accounted for as a manifestation or consequence of another mental disorder. F. The enduring pattern is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., head trauma)." If you have worries about you or someone you love do drop me a line details on my website
Tell me about it am married to a Covert Narc hoping to divorce him. He is trying to destroy me because it's obvious he envies my happiness. Whenever happy laughing NOPE not allowed he comes at me with something huge to hurt me badly! Stalked me did so much damage I'm lucky I'm hiding from him & h can't find me no kidding! Insanity!
i should of known that the person i was talking to was a narcissist. cuz after she played me i literally thought it was all my fault. that i did everything wrong. i started to hate myself for it.
I've only met one narc my entire life and I would really rather never meet one again. Are there any signs you can list that will actually help a person avoid ever allowing one in your life again, or do you have to become a victim before you realize it?
+Nick Lenient I've out some warning signs in the video, that will help. But having healthy boundaries is your best defence. Thanks for your comments Nick
Add Stockholm Syndrome to the list above (Narcissistic spouses can and do cause Stockholm Syndrome in their enabling/co-dependant spouse). I've witnessed it first hand.
and my mom will cry saying I'm so sorry but then she says her mom made her like this .. but then later on she will just blabbering about wut I do wrong
sad to say that my mom was a narcissist she was a very narcissistic person very controlling very abusive and my father didn't know how to handle it so he left us at a young age and I had to just deal with it and it was a nightmare luckily I moved out and am away from it all
jonathan01337 yes, these personality traits are often associated with highly successful individuals in the business and work sphere's. The list I give you under the video should help. If you can avoid people with the traits at work.
I have a narcissistic mother and it has been very difficult to say the least. She constantly blabbers on about how her sisters have wronged her and how people hate her. She's always the victim. I'm the real victim there. She's really damaged my social. I can say without a doubt all of my problems in life are her fault. She ruined me. Now, I'll have a menial, low paying job thanks to her abuse. It's too much with her. College is hard enough without her getting in my way. I just want to leave.
All I can say is get out. They don't change much over time. I have a classical narc Dad, overt narc sister, and sociopathic friend. Just get out and make your own good life before it's too late.
Hello. I want to ask the following: If my mother is a narcissist (at least I suspect so), what help could I search for? I see my mother does not want to change.
Vasilena Tuleshkova none for your Mother. Look at your own needs and get support, you will have developed codependent ways of relating and being. Email me if you wish therapy for your yourself noel@noelmcdermott.net
Noel McDermott Well, actually I can not afford a therapy at this stage. I am a single mother with a son of 7 and definitely have developed codependant ways, though have lived very little with my mother. The important for me is not to repeat the model...or get attracted to another psycho - as it happened with the father of my child.
Noel McDermott Thank you! Found it. I live in Bulgaria, so I doubt here are some such groups, but will try to copy through internet. The term narcissistic mother is not known also. I am diagnosted with depression.
I think my new coworker is a narc and i totally ignore him only because he makes me uncomfortable. I never talk to him except for hi & bye even though he constantly tries to talk with me. Then i looked at some of the narc videos and found out im doing the right thing, not trying to, by avoiding contact with him.
I have narcissistic mother. I am very blessed to have 11 siblings who can all she her as she is. Most of us are codependent or have have some problem. I would just like to say it is getting and it will get better. Half of my siblings have moved out and now finding love in friend and other family's. She is still as bad as she was and it was terrible because we were homeschooled and had no friends. Just remember when you leave don't EVER I ME IT turn back. One question. Can she be helped? Thank u for your video
For some reason, I can't "reply" to anyone on this channel (?). I wanted to reply to Cathie Romero: Showing compassion to a Narc is like showing compassion to a poisonous snake. You are gonna get bitten sooner or later. Mark my words.
Did he seriously say that if you are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder that you should 'get out'? I mean aren't you a psychotherapist? Don't you realise that this is a DISORDER, i.e. something they have no control over and have genetical predisposition. Thats akin to saying something like 'if your partner has depression then you should really get out now to avoid having to deal with their symptoms'! I honestly can't believe any mental health professional would say something like that. How about try to help them cope with their issues and shortcomings? How about how to support both them and yourself since you obviously care for them because you are in a relationship with them... I'd love a reply from you Noel with your opinion of this point that i've raised...
People who are narcissistic can't be helped, because they don't want to be. Your post is extremely naive. Research NPD further so you can understand how damaging these people are.
scandia67 Your post is very naive.Because you dont understand the power of love.I didnt either though untill I witnessed it first hand.On another level I can not help but wonder how many relationships that have potential to grow will instead be cut short as a result of such labeling.I doubt if most people can correctly identify a true narcicist.
Steve Konrad Wow. You go ahead and "cure" a narcissist with your love and let us know how it goes. Those who defend those people are enablers and do not understand the lasting, scarring damage they do to others. From your comments you have not have a personal encounter with a "true" narcissist, perhaps one with narcissistic traits, but not a malignant narcissist.
Okay in that case fuck mental disorders and illnesses just leave them to it.. in fact fuck ebola, cancer, hiv, MS and every other person with these 'real' illnesses (i.e. clearly visible illnesses)
Id become suspicious of someone who lats say has a degree in philosaphy and carries on as though they have a degree in psychology.You ever hear of anything like that?
This constant over analysis and naval gazing is what makes y'all nuts! The psych majors in college were the whackjobs. The rest of us avoided them! To turn on parents who lovingly provided for you is very dirty. To be ungrateful and revealing anothers weaknesses is so cheap. Grow up, help and include mom & dad - share your lives. You aren't perfect or so great yourself.
There's nothing wrong with narcissism. It's just one of many life perspectives. I'm sure most kings and rulers were narcissistic. I'm sure they led comfortable lives. So this raises the question that our society has no tolerance for these bold eccentric types, food for thought. Individual vs. Current societal moralities.
Satan Devils Unicorns Toothfairys. Adolf Hitler is a suspected narcissist, we cant really say he was one. He might have been just as removed from reality as these fundamentalist or islamist. Im not defending extreme narcissism, but lets keep in mind narcissistic characteristics can be healthy. My goal is to enlighten the "black & whiters".
niecers Very well said, we can even trace the narcissism all they way back to babies. Babies are super narcissistic. But in order to survive they have to demand the extra boob milk, or ELSE..... I will cry. There seems to be a trend of narcissism and means of adapting and survival.
Suggestion: Empathy 101 and The Golden Rule must be a requirement in all educational systems. Perhaps, a few souls will be saved. The comment; "There's nothing wrong with narcissism" has never stood in the same room with this evil presence. This comment sent chills up my spine. Brrrr!
What happens if alcoholism combines with narcissistic tendencies as in the case of my difficult colleague whom I would like to fire? I fear the repercussions.
Best advice . Don't be friends with a narcissist . If someone insults you and doesn't appreciate your friendship cut them off . Nobody deserves to be mistreated by selfish people who always want attention . I see narcissist for the real pathetic people they are . They are leeches.
dabbs041 thanks for sharing your thoughts on this
+Wednesday's Child
Hi there, I'm curious to know your age if thats ok with you. I have done a lot of research and narcs are commonly religious people and charity workers. I gives them a superior feeling over others and provides them with narc supply. Also getting your love sorce from God is outside validation and co dependency. Which religion do you practice? Is it Christianity? If so, dont let them tell you that you were created dirty and sick and then ordered to be washed clean and well again by fear of eternal torture. And please if you continue to practice this religion dont say this to any children as its a form of severe child abuse. You dont need any outside validation to free your soul. You cant heal from outside. You can only heal yourself from within. Remember religion offers the love (heaven) and hate (hell) relationship, same as narcs. I have been down as low as a person can go and I understand how you may feel reading this but its the only way to free yourself. The love you seek is already inside you. You just dont know it yet because of your experiences and upbringing. Your trying to fix yourself from outside in instead of inside out. I've been there and long term you wont be able to have any true happiness because you will live with a fake sense of self based on something that is a myth so you feel safe. Im happy yo help you if you want. Just ask.
Ps
Its not Gods responsibility. Now you have been a victim its your responsibility to heal yourself emotionally. Not take a take the easy fairytale painless way... you'll never get better!!! You may think you are feeling better from being around these religious people..... and you do but only because they provide you with attention and narc supply and to think anything different is living in denial. I wouldnt tell you this if I didnt care about people and have the soultion. It cost nothing and you heal yourself. Let me know if you would like any honest help and I will point you in the right direction so you can heal yourself!!!
Narcs are abused, neglected traumatised children. Between 5 and 6 years old emotionally. They still should be shown love and guided. Its important to love yourself more than anything. And not in a narc way. Love yourself and talk to yourself like you do or would a child. Once you love yourself you can offer unconditional love to anyone else without judgement or fear of rejection. But yes.... we all take things in at different times in life and take our own journeys. Just remember narcs are abused children. Same as us, otherwise we would have never put up with the abuse. If you had an parent you are now conscious and responsibile for your own emotional well being. We cant blame our parents as they suffered abuse and neglect same as ourselves. You can never fix a narc... only guide them.
Take care.
+LARRY R Um... the one and only narc I had the displeasure of getting sucked into was an atheist, so.... Maybe I'm just that unlucky?
yes straight to the point! Exactly. Being too nice is the first thing u should change in yourself!
A red flag is someone who constantly puts themself in the role of victim when telling stories, especially of their past relationships, jobs, etc....it's always someone elses's fault, and "poor-poor-me." This is also the mindset of many a criminal.
I agree with you. This sounds exactly like my birth monster. She's always causing trouble in the family and playing the victim and when it comes back to bite her in her fat ass, then it's someone else's fault- never hers.
julian bishop I swear the damage that bitch has done to me, there's no coming back from it. I've only ever truly hated one person in my life and it's her. She doesn't look like a monster but she is.
WitchIn... This is another aspect that really makes me angry. You can't help but to be damaged and distrustful of others (read: the opposite sex)...so men who are hurt by CB's end up distrusting women...and decent kind women like me end up getting treated like we're the ones who did it to them!! I'm not blaming you, I'm simply saying it's not fair that evil people hurt everyone.
+WitchInThePinkHouse 3 Lol 'birth monster' funny expression!
thanks for sharing
Never knew this was even a thing until circumstances put me into close contact with a close family member. In hindsight there has always been something, that I was to young to comprehend, however, after the constant putdowns, amongst numerous other nasty instances, such as bringing me down to my then 6 year old daughter when I was not around, I chose to go no contact, and boy has my life changed for the better. They now are instigating a smear campaign against me to people I work with, who fortunately I made aware of the ploy and instead of damaging me that are showing themselves to be what I said they were. In short this is a very traumatic set of circumstances that I would not wish on anybody, and I'm still clear of as my elderly father is still alive and see them there and around town. (never thought in a million years this would happen to me) all the best in your battle with these 'people'.
thank you, great insight here....I dated a narcissist, he made my life very unsettled...I felt like I was doing something wrong constantly. I finally realized it is not me it's him. And I pulled the eject button...I am thankful I got out to this very day.
+M Brontë I'm glad you found it useful
It was a relief for me to hear you say that these traits are, in small amounts, a normal part of being human. I am one of those narcissistic millennials, and, with all the talk about narcissism lately, I had become afraid that I was deeply flawed somehow. However, I'm learning the value of shifting from pride in my identity to pride in my work. I got a little banged up, by failure and disappointment in myself, when I started actually DOING things instead of trying to work out what I AM, as a thing separate from the rest of the world. But I've begun to learn that the value I can offer doesn't really come from ME. There are resources--mentors, tools, the mind and body I've been given--and I have choice whether to make good use of them. If I use them wisely, maybe I could become excellent at something. It's like, the excellence is already there, existing independent of me, and I am simply stepping into it. I get the privilege of taking part in the wonders that I admire.
I thought I would share, just in case someone else was experiencing something similar. Thank you for the video, Noel, and for your insights :)
kind of you to drop by, we think often in terms of primary and secondary narcissism, the former being that which we all have and is useful for asserting our needs and indeed healthy, and secondary narcissism which is more malignant. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience with us.
I was unlucky enough to marry someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and after many years of emotional abuse and varying intensity of brief episodes of physical abuse, I decided to end the marriage. Here he is on a rant after finding out I could not afford to pay a $90.00 vet bill, after I had already given him my extra money. A week later, I moved out. This was a common, everyday occurrence, and I am happy to say I am on my path to healing and thankful that I found out the evil that is NPD and saved myself and my daughter. I would just like to say that I recognize the whiny nature of my voice. It is embarrassing to listen to how weak I had become. It is something I am working on and continue to work on. This was a very dark time in my life. th-cam.com/video/jAMkGDiqnsE/w-d-xo.html
mikaela roadcap Your video is set to private.
getting out is a good idea
I was in relationship with a woman, a corporate executive who was the primary bread winner in the house. She has two kids from a former guy who is most definitely a narc. The toxicity the kids came home with after a weekend at Dads was aggressive and violent. As step dad I tried to hold boundaries and administer love as I know it, but I was constantly demeaned by Dad. Well the old saying " Blood is thicker than water" came to mind when dad decided to confront me at a school function, rip some papers out of my hand and storm off. When I asked my wife to stand up to him and let him know that's not ok, she refused. That was the beginning of the end of the relationship. I was far from perfect as Step Dad, and I have my own bag of childhood karma to grind through, but I am identifying narc tendencies in myself, and am also seeing that my wife was dealing with the residue of her ex. Now I have been discarded. I was totally codependent upon a codependent victim of Narcissistic Dad. The tentacles reach beyond the immediate family...Sad AndAlone
+pavanatanaya sorry to hear this happened to you. I hope you have found healing
What has been difficult is that I keep finding myself in these types of relationships. My Mum is a narcissist. I've been seeing a therapist and I have recently enrolled in a short course with the school of philosophy. I've never experienced a healthy relationship and I'm struggling to go on. I'm 43.
do you know about CoDA? Codependents anonymous. It might be helpful
Here are signs based on my experience:
1. Like a commenter below said, they always play victim. Pay attention to what they're saying- if they're quoting someone, the person is always the "weird" one and they (themselves) are innocent
2. They embellish everything. If she re-quotes someone again, it's highly exaggerated and probably not said that same effect
3. Very passive aggressive. They say one thing, mean another, and can be very good at being fake about it
4 give you gifts as a way to proving how generous they are when it's fake. Real generous people are naturally just giving. Narcs have an agenda. This narc gave me a birthday gift and I had only known her for 2 months on a superficial level. That had agenda written all over it. Compared to my boss, who I work with everyday, maintain a good professional relationship who greeted me happy bday and offered to get me coffee with no expectations
4. Narcs are big gossips. They can't stop talking. They thrive off it
5. Everything is always suspicious and that's how they stir the pot. If someone is constantly late, a normal person would state, "yeah it's difficult bc she's late. I'll chat with her". Narcs make a mountain out of a molehill and say it as an attack. "Omg she's ALWAYS late. Like what's her problem. Don't you think it's weird?" Insert character assassination.
6. They notice everything about everyone, especially if it's negative
7. They pry into your business without shame and want to get personal with you quickly
8. Rule of thumb: if someone talks to you about somebody, most likely, they're talking shit about you to someone else.
9. Narcs don't have close friendships. A Normal person would at least have one close friend. Narcs have no one, just a lot of acquaintances. Not even their siblings want to be around them too often.
PS: I've just encountered a grown ass woman who is freaking 50 YEARS OLD who is a narc. My friends and I are in our 30's and don't see how there's any association she would have with us. Yes, friendship is not age restricted but I find it odd that a 50 year old woman would go out of her way to befriend 30 year olds. Why? Because she can't find women her own age or around her age bc they're smart enough not to deal with her immature ass.
Yes to all of the above, also had a narc friend who tried to make friends with a group of women in her town it didn't work because she needed to be the centre of attention but it didn't happen because they are grown ass women and it's not a school ground. Also she needed to be centre of attention and would rage if I one upped her it was quite comical and she's almost 50! She is a shit stirrer and a backstabber and an adulterer! and she is out of my life
Thank you for putting this out there. This is such a nightmare.
you're welcome
Here is a list of what they usually do to their targets :
- Insults their target very often. Then lie when confronted about it, or say it was a joke.
- When confronted with their behavior, they pretend to be innocent and play the victim.
- Everything is always your fault, even when it's obviously not.
- They always have a justification for every bad thing they do. They think they're always right.
- Very controlling, they tell you how to live, but they can live anyway they want. Very hypocritical.
- They accuse you of what they're doing to you (RED FLAG!), it's called Projection.
- Portraying themselves as angels outside, when they are actually demons with their family and especially their target.
- They want you to fail, while pretending to want you to succeed (they're very convincing).
- They never say they are sorry for hurting you (RED FLAG!).
- Poison your favorite activities, they don't want you to be happy or to get pleasure. They also poison other useful activities like important skills which will help you in the future. They DO NOT want you to have skills, they want you to be as weak as possible. They don't teach you anything.
- Subtly lead a smear campaign against their target, so they isolate it and make sure they don't get help.
- When you want to leave the relationship with a narcissist, they beg you to stay with them and cry crocodile tears. They are the best actors.
- Sometimes nice, sometimes cruel. You never know where you stand with them.
- They pretend to be "victims", and they blame the target for their own behavior.
- They are incredibly arrogant and sadistic. They see the target as weak, and deserving to suffer.
- They think they are models to be followed.
- They are spiritually dead although they might loudly profess some kind of Spiritual Belief.
interesting list
What happens if alcoholism combines with narcissistic tendencies as in the case of my difficult colleague whom I would like to fire? I fear the repercussions.
+Tsnore i can't give advice in tis way... contact me if you wish confidential advice 07506319745 info@noelmcdermott.net
The Overt Narc is the Victim straight away you'll spot him. The Covert is kind gentle sweet for a long time then boom he starts screaming at you etc.. blaming & putting you down for nothing. Throws tantrums etc.. it gets bad
good share thank you
thank you for this contribution. I lived with a spouse like this for 27 years and was codependent. In the end I took a lesson from others: I stood up (focused on myself). His response 1) physical abuse and 2) he ran away from the family
sorry about the abuse but glad you brought the focus to yourself
This is a good video. I can testify to the emotional damage a narcissist (or similar) can do to a person, especially over the long term.
Whether it's friendships or family relationships, the best thing to do, if you can, is to be on your own. Your gut instinct or 'inner voice' that has always been there, warning us, will grow louder and become clearer.
Being an empathetic person, it makes it more difficult. I really believe in gut instinct. It's there for a reason.
+Gra Piken thanks for your comments
Narcissists get worse with age, at least the one's I've seen as well as numerous stories I've read. I've never heard of any getting better with age and those that do are probably not full blown Narcs.
+Reese Daniel thanks for your comments. I've worked in PD field for 20+ years on and off. So I'm drawing on clinical experience when I say things, not simply personal experience. My point about PD being a developmental issue is that it changes over time, but is not amenable to interpersonal therapy, and not amenable to interpersonal relational change
its a personality d/o. have you ever lived w one! its exhausting! they do not tire easily......
+Custom Creations (Mandi) indeed, I wouldn't recommend living with someone with the PD..
As Sam Vaknin points out in his interview, "10 Warning Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist: Sam Vaknin Interview" narcissists are a double-edge sword. They tend to do well in career and such, but in relationships? Well, some do well. He also deals with what you get when you elect a narcissist to high public office. That is where it gets scary because there are a lot of them you see on TV every day, making laws and such.
+edwardsson777 thanks for your insights
Just to say I've removed and banned a user from this channel for abusive comments and behaviour. I don't moderate except to remove harmful, hateful or abusive comments.
Narcissism as a personality disorder is currently untreatable. Though symptoms will improve as the person gets older. Medication may help for some of the symptoms such as depression and anxiety. There is evidence to support Borderline Personality Disorder being treatable via DBT. (useful information here, www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Personality-disorder/Pages/Definition.aspx and also here www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/personality-disorders/what-is-personality-disorder/#.VLK8JcZq3GI )
People can and do have narcissistic traits which are not a personality disorder and that is treatable. I treat people for that, and also for borderline traits, codependency etc. Many active addicts for example are narcissistic in their relational patterns.
Personality disorders however are by definition resistant to change. This is the definition of PD from DSM 5:
"An enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior the deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture. This pattern is manifested in two (or more) of the following areas:
1. Cognition (i.e., ways of perceiving and interpreting self, other people and events)
2. Affectivity (i.e., the range, intensity, liability, and appropriateness of emotional response)
3. Interpersonal functioning
4. Impulse control
B. The enduring pattern is inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations.
C. The enduring pattern leads to clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
D. The pattern is stable and of long duration, and its onset can be traced back at least to adolescence or early adulthood.
E. The enduring pattern is not better accounted for as a manifestation or consequence of another mental disorder.
F. The enduring pattern is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., head trauma)."
If you have worries about you or someone you love do drop me a line details on my website
Sereena Nightshade thanks for your kind words
+SovereignBeing Thank you - I really found your comment interesting & educational. You should share your knowledge...would like to hear more! :)
+SovereignBeing I agree. I am actually learning to have compassion for my narc. I mean really a tender compassion, although careful.
+SovereignBeing not really, it's a personality disorder, largely untreatable, although folk can age out of it in their 40's
+cathie romero it's not demonic in nature Cathie, if you are involved with someone with the personality disorder you should see professional help.
very dangerous, very serious damage for people around, very true
+Jolita Brilliant thanks
Tell me about it am married to a Covert Narc hoping to divorce him. He is trying to destroy me because it's obvious he envies my happiness. Whenever happy laughing NOPE not allowed he comes at me with something huge to hurt me badly! Stalked me did so much damage I'm lucky I'm hiding from him & h can't find me no kidding! Insanity!
i should of known that the person i was talking to was a narcissist. cuz after she played me i literally thought it was all my fault. that i did everything wrong. i started to hate myself for it.
+Pat Alvarez it's good indication
I've only met one narc my entire life and I would really rather never meet one again. Are there any signs you can list that will actually help a person avoid ever allowing one in your life again, or do you have to become a victim before you realize it?
+Nick Lenient I've out some warning signs in the video, that will help. But having healthy boundaries is your best defence. Thanks for your comments Nick
please try, in a future video, how to deal with NPD children. we cannot leave & abandon them, therefore need coping strageties. Thank You
yep,my sister! and a bit of my husband's know all! controlling and self-centered all the time!and yes, damaged!
thanks for the feedback, glad it's helpful
Add Stockholm Syndrome to the list above (Narcissistic spouses can and do cause Stockholm Syndrome in their enabling/co-dependant spouse). I've witnessed it first hand.
+Reese Daniel that's an interesting insight, thanks for sharing it
i got one....its stems by tough childhood
and my mom will cry saying I'm so sorry but then she says her mom made her like this .. but then later on she will just blabbering about wut I do wrong
sad to say
that my mom
was a narcissist
she was a very narcissistic person
very controlling
very abusive
and my father
didn't know how to handle it
so he left us at a young age and I had to just deal with it
and it was a nightmare
luckily I moved out
and am away from it all
Can someone whom you work for a narcissists. If so how do identify those symptoms?
jonathan01337 yes, these personality traits are often associated with highly successful individuals in the business and work sphere's. The list I give you under the video should help. If you can avoid people with the traits at work.
I have a narcissistic mother and it has been very difficult to say the least. She constantly blabbers on about how her sisters have wronged her and how people hate her. She's always the victim. I'm the real victim there. She's really damaged my social. I can say without a doubt all of my problems in life are her fault. She ruined me. Now, I'll have a menial, low paying job thanks to her abuse. It's too much with her. College is hard enough without her getting in my way. I just want to leave.
You should get out, as soon possible. I have a narc mum and it has ruined so many aspects of my life. Please get help and get out! Best of luck...
maybe try CODA?
You can have a successful career without a degree.
***** Yes, thank you Michelle. And I am happy to hear of your recovery. :)
All I can say is get out. They don't change much over time. I have a classical narc Dad, overt narc sister, and sociopathic friend. Just get out and make your own good life before it's too late.
Hello. I want to ask the following: If my mother is a narcissist (at least I suspect so), what help could I search for? I see my mother does not want to change.
Vasilena Tuleshkova none for your Mother. Look at your own needs and get support, you will have developed codependent ways of relating and being. Email me if you wish therapy for your yourself noel@noelmcdermott.net
Noel McDermott Well, actually I can not afford a therapy at this stage. I am a single mother with a son of 7 and definitely have developed codependant ways, though have lived very little with my mother. The important for me is not to repeat the model...or get attracted to another psycho - as it happened with the father of my child.
Vasilena Tuleshkova indeed, focus on your needs. Have you looked into groups such as CoDA? They can be very helpful
Noel McDermott Thank you! Found it. I live in Bulgaria, so I doubt here are some such groups, but will try to copy through internet. The term narcissistic mother is not known also. I am diagnosted with depression.
Totally spot on
I think my new coworker is a narc and i totally ignore him only because he makes me uncomfortable. I never talk to him except for hi & bye even though he constantly tries to talk with me.
Then i looked at some of the narc videos and found out im doing the right thing, not trying to, by avoiding contact with him.
+Ping Pong indeed, look after your boundaries
Good instinct (discernment)... God bless you.
I have narcissistic mother. I am very blessed to have 11 siblings who can all she her as she is. Most of us are codependent or have have some problem. I would just like to say it is getting and it will get better. Half of my siblings have moved out and now finding love in friend and other family's. She is still as bad as she was and it was terrible because we were homeschooled and had no friends. Just remember when you leave don't EVER I ME IT turn back.
One question. Can she be helped?
Thank u for your video
+Blue Headphones sound very difficult, thanks for sharing with us
Where to get help?
drop my an email info@noelmcdermott.net
how can I contact you??I'm in Canada.
email me info@noelmcdermott.net I provide services via Skype so location isn't an issue :)
Noel McDermott thanks a lot.
my mom I feel like she does this and my grandma that raised her is narcissistic person
Ive been going to the London Narc group its quite good
great :)
For some reason, I can't "reply" to anyone on this channel (?). I wanted to reply to Cathie Romero: Showing compassion to a Narc is like showing compassion to a poisonous snake. You are gonna get bitten sooner or later. Mark my words.
+Reese Daniel thanks for sharing your thoughts
thanks a lot
+Sofija Daudoraviciute glad you liked it
Did he seriously say that if you are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder that you should 'get out'? I mean aren't you a psychotherapist? Don't you realise that this is a DISORDER, i.e. something they have no control over and have genetical predisposition. Thats akin to saying something like 'if your partner has depression then you should really get out now to avoid having to deal with their symptoms'! I honestly can't believe any mental health professional would say something like that. How about try to help them cope with their issues and shortcomings? How about how to support both them and yourself since you obviously care for them because you are in a relationship with them... I'd love a reply from you Noel with your opinion of this point that i've raised...
People who are narcissistic can't be helped, because they don't want to be. Your post is extremely naive. Research NPD further so you can understand how damaging these people are.
scandia67 Your post is very naive.Because you dont understand the power of love.I didnt either though untill I witnessed it first hand.On another level I can not help but wonder how many relationships that have potential to grow will instead be cut short as a result of such labeling.I doubt if most people can correctly identify a true narcicist.
Steve Konrad Wow. You go ahead and "cure" a narcissist with your love and let us know how it goes. Those who defend those people are enablers and do not understand the lasting, scarring damage they do to others. From your comments you have not have a personal encounter with a "true" narcissist, perhaps one with narcissistic traits, but not a malignant narcissist.
Okay in that case fuck mental disorders and illnesses just leave them to it.. in fact fuck ebola, cancer, hiv, MS and every other person with these 'real' illnesses (i.e. clearly visible illnesses)
Id become suspicious of someone who lats say has a degree in philosaphy and carries on as though they have a degree in psychology.You ever hear of anything like that?
You trail off at the end of your sentences. Softer and softer as you go. I can't hear half of what you're saying.
Thank you. I will make note for future recordings.
I hope you stay tuned in for more videos.
Where is the list?
+Cathie Romero look in the further info section under the video
I fear I might be a narcissist
you sounds like ringo star
This constant over analysis and naval gazing is what makes y'all nuts! The psych majors in college were the whackjobs. The rest of us avoided them! To turn on parents who lovingly provided for you is very dirty. To be ungrateful and revealing anothers weaknesses is so cheap. Grow up, help and include mom & dad - share your lives. You aren't perfect or so great yourself.
bpd
+Diamante Dea interesting view
There's nothing wrong with narcissism. It's just one of many life perspectives. I'm sure most kings and rulers were narcissistic. I'm sure they led comfortable lives. So this raises the question that our society has no tolerance for these bold eccentric types, food for thought. Individual vs. Current societal moralities.
My friend,you have no idea who these people are,and how dangerous they are
Satan Devils Unicorns Toothfairys.
Adolf Hitler is a suspected narcissist, we cant really say he was one. He might have been just as removed from reality as these fundamentalist or islamist. Im not defending extreme narcissism, but lets keep in mind narcissistic characteristics can be healthy. My goal is to enlighten the "black & whiters".
niecers Very well said, we can even trace the narcissism all they way back to babies. Babies are super narcissistic. But in order to survive they have to demand the extra boob milk, or ELSE..... I will cry. There seems to be a trend of narcissism and means of adapting and survival.
Suggestion: Empathy 101 and The Golden Rule must be a requirement in all educational systems. Perhaps, a few souls will be saved. The comment; "There's nothing wrong with narcissism" has never stood in the same room with this evil presence. This comment sent chills up my spine. Brrrr!
***** BABIES ARE NOT NARCISSISTIC.
What happens if alcoholism combines with narcissistic tendencies as in the case of my difficult colleague whom I would like to fire? I fear the repercussions.
they often do combine, its a dangerous mix