I blocked his ass. he called me for a year crying n I never gave in. The guy cost me my job. He was a demon. I was at my worst with him. thank god thats behind me.
dbedazzling1 same thing happened 2 me. Lost job she was a demon on wheels. I was a womanizer..... It was a battle to the end.... She is still dying from the lost of supply well I have the inventory I need. She did give me a run for my $$$$ tho.
Their most dangerous weapons are the whining and crying and making themselves look pitiful bit. They range from only pulling it out at their most desperate, to collapsing to pieces whenever they are challenged even a little by their supply. It's so hard for empaths to resist this, I find you know you've really become stronger than the narc when they pull the pity party maneuver...and you feel NOTHING. Except maybe disgust at their attempts to manipulate your emotions, because after a while (though usually too long, it took me ten years to figure this out with the one in my life) you start to realize that's all it is. There are no sincere emotions in these meltdowns, it's just another method they use to try and overpower you psychologically and gain mastery over your life.
Some narcissists are EXTREMELY covert and manipulative. In my case, my narcissist was a professional at FAKING EMPATHY - he was able to apologize and pretend to show remorse for his abuse/lying/cheating, and continued to love bomb me (making me feel special, adored, spoiled) and assumed the role of a codependent for a short while, only to show his true colours if I ever confronted him with his lies or criticized him. For a short while, he was very affectionate, caring, giving, showering me with love and gifts. It was only when I caught him in another lie did his mask fall and the true narcissistic personality came out again. I've gone no contact - I truly think this is the ONLY WAY to heal, because the narcissist will always come crawling back for more supply.
but now you you know for the future, my father is the same exact way, I could say "thanks for the groceries dad" and he would respond something along the lines of " yeah without me you would live off nothing but ramen noodles, when i was your age i had two jobs and i wasn't relying on my parents and i had twenty friends who would all go out every week and so on and so on trying to make me feel bad, that was half a decade ago when i moved in right after my mom died when i was 19 and my mind entered his life already shattered from the ordeal. No empathy even commented about how he would bend my mom over in public and disgusting shit like that. But then he would give me a good amount of weed to keep the fire burning. From the experience i've learned so much about NPD and human tendencies in general, I would say that it only benefited me for the better although it took some time for me to snap out of my funk and realize that im not a failure/ low life entity destined for mediocrity. You're right they always come crawling back like a real life demon, calling you names and flip flopping a few seconds later to apologies and compliments. But you learn and you grow realize that these people are sick and there's nothing you can do except stand up for yourself.
julia t I also dealt with an intelligently advanced narcissist. A master at their trade. Can we call them Terminators or T-1000s and add a Terminator 2 clip?
Julia you have a very comprehensive understanding of narcissists and their abuse cycle in relationships. I'm sorry you had to live through that nightmare, I am recovering from one as well. I have a hypothesis. My observation is that narcissists seek out very attractive mates for status and supply. Narcissistic women seek out highly accomplished men and if they're handsome to boot, even more so. Narcissistic men seek out very beautiful women and if they're young to boot, even more so. Your profile pic (I assume it's you) is one more example on top of many that I have observed that support this hypothesis. I completely submit there are exceptions, but my observation is overwhelmingly weighted to the norm. Attractive people are overwhelmingly targeted by Narcissists and not for the flattering reasons one might assume. They are targeted because their attractiveness is a form of social status that inflates the Narcissist's ego. No different than acquiring a BMW simply because of its status symbolism. Has anyone else noticed this?
Self-validation. If you have no skills at this, then you are particularly prone to Narcissists. Other people don't stay in relationships with people who don't treat them in a way that makes them happy and uplifted. You have to believe that you deserve good things in order to have the courage to abandon bad things. You need to learn to self-validate which is actually a lot to do with environment. Therefore it is a process- continually learning to appreciate your value and working at constantly surrounding yourself with uplifting people.
punkybrewstar83 self validation is also how you expose them. They can't stand it when you speak positively of yourself. Say something positive about yourself and see how they react. They ignore it or give a one word or uninterested response, try to wrap up hate as concern, such as that's great but can you really afford that, or straight up put you down and say you aren't or will never be what you're self validating, it's more than likely a narcissist.
punkybrewstar83 so true... I suffered with this in the past several times and now I see it had to do with my upbringing and programming I wasn't allowed to demand the minimum for me as a child or speak my truth/standing up for what I believed in and was punished if I did. So I grew with mechanisms to help me cope living with them. I still deal with family that is super toxic but I start to see all that is wrong.... This helps a lot
really good one ! Surrounding your self with uplifting people ? Euphoria ? Sensational Drugs Users and Alcohol and Drama and Empathy for each other... like no matter what kind of sense, you can tread me like SHIT and we still be best friends... some kind of people connect with some kind of people because they feel confident and understand their Evil little Cunt History of Dirty Secrets, once they try it with some people that don't understand, they go hide in the shadows *Narcissists* they are scared people and hide their feelings although it seems they show lots of feelings ( Are they real ? ) to them they are but in reality they just have some sort of addiction to do bad things, some care a little and some don't even care at all... look out for the wrong UPLIFTING kind of people that are going from feeling way down or lets party way up ! i don't hate them ! My heart just as any other human being out there is NOT A PLAY GROUND ! Just be honest from the start and you will be amazed what possibility's your own Future has with someone you really do love... A Lier will always be treated as a Lier ! so to the environment your in should be with people that don't talk to what you want to hear but people that say : HEY DON'T BE A DUMB ASS YOU NEED TO GO THAT WAY ! after 3 years in a relationship it finally got to me just break every contact ! let it go believe YOU DON'T NEED ANY MOTHER FUCKING EXCUSES FROM A PERSON WHO IS IN THEIR 30 YEARS OF AGE FUCK YOU FUCK YOUR FRIENDS ..|.. ( @@ ) ..|.. i lift up MY FINGERS JUST FOR YOU ! this is what you want / this is what you get ! i will brake their freaking abusive hallucination celebration DON'T FUCK WITH ME ! PIECES OF SHITS go Drawn in your own pithiness and Endless Drama hole... i am totally ok now, i do not feel like i have been abused ( REALLY ) i am recovering right now as we speak, So just say FUCK YOU MORE OFTEN BECAUSE IT FEELS REALLY FUCKING GOOD :)
I am the sixty year old daughter of an eighty-five year old mother. She could not control my father through her behavior, so she used it on her six children and it continues to this day. Three months ago, I had to walk away from all of it and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
+Nancy Campbell Gibson Cawwwww Nancy am in the same boat as you and yes my mother couldn't use it against my father so she turned on to the siblings HER SIX CHILDREN too
Dear Nancy, It's very hard to do -as a loyal child- to run away out of the stifling narcistic spiderweb, very very difficult. However some do.. I brook with my evil narcistic mother when i was 38, because a vital string in me brooke and I new it would never ever heal again. After that I've never seen her anymore even not when she died.
Here's another little gift for everyone suffering from a narcissists constant verbal abuse...Realize that narcissists don't choose losers or victims, even though time and time again they'll try and make you believe you are. Here's the part the narcissists doesn't want you to know... The smarter you are, the more beautiful you are, the more money you have the bigger challenge you are to them. The mere fact that you've caught there attention speaks volumes of your above average abilities. It won't change there behavior but it does make you feel better when they start there crap and you can look at them and realize how things really are. So take your above average abilities and put that little dweeb in his place
You certanly have something to offer to the narcissist, but they do not like challange. They need a person, who they can control. Challenge is not what they looking for, but something they are willing to sacrafice for your other benefits. Remember, they only do care about their supply, and everything, that goes against their world view will cause a narcissistic injury, so they are definitely trying to avoid them and the challenges with them.
I was beginning to suspect the crappy gift thing recently, good to have it confirmed. oh and my mom is actually EXTRA nice to cashiers, strangers etc in stark contrast to her mean treatment of me, I always hated seeing someone she doesnt even know getting treated better than her flesh and blood. NARCS ARE HELL
My mom and my ex. Fucking torture to bear, so nice to the spectators. Watching the video, thought I'm losing it for a moment. But the nice facade is everything.
Narcissist women display their narc traits more often against their children than in romantic relationships. Because it's about power and leverage. A man is physically stronger than a woman and less emotionally attached romantically speaking, he as leverage. But a woman is physically stronger than a child and she has total power over her child so she shows all her narc abuse, daughters are usually the main target.
You hit the nail right on the head. I am married to a narcissist and it's hell. The part wear the guy is taking off his mask and he say's "I'm simply not there" is the saddest truth of all. It's like saying " The lights are on but no body's home" They are so vacant inside, so empty. It's like they are not even human. Thank You for your videos.
They'll give you a nice gift if they want something, if they want you to be happy with them, if they want to look good, or for the purpose of control or manipulation (cognitive dissonance).
In the beginning he gave me jewelry from Tiffany's In the devalue he gave me a tea pot and I dont drink tea..I said I think you got that for the side chick. He took it back begrudgingly and didn't replace it with anything else.
I used to play in a band with my ex. He gave me a shark guitar for my birthday, so that he could play it himself. When I broke up with him a year later, he took it from me.
Linda P. Yes, mine bought me a car then sold it while I was visiting my mother. He didn’t tell me he’d done it and kept the money. Any gift was merely a grandiose effect designed to keep me locked in and ‘grateful’. I actually find it kind of funny now.
You say to look out for a lack of respect for boundaries, and give the example of how they treat waitstaff and people they "don't have to be nice to." I would like to add that a lack of respect for the boundaries of others can be disguised as a friendly overture. I've had several occasions to witness my mother's sister bulldoze over boundaries of complete strangers under a charade of friendliness and caring. She ignores any sign of distress, disinterest, and discomfort they exhibit at her invasion into their personal space or with her invasive questions. She turns any preference they express such as "No thank you, I would like to pump my own gas" into a power struggle, an open invitation to snatch the the gas nozzle out of their hands etc. It still amazes me to see how many people do not know how to deal with her actions, because she's "so friendly and nice" about it.
Very nice. Thank you. I recently came across a masseuse, who reminded me of my previous narcissistic abuser. While watching and listening to him, I had a feeling like, "I've been here before." As he talked, it became clear to me that his sweet talk, his talking about how he could help me and his lack of boundaries meant that he was someone I wanted nothing to do with, and yet I was somewhat drawn to him. After the massage, I felt stunned and made another appointment to see him in two weeks. As the day went by after my massage, I realized that I do not want to ever see this man again and I texted him and cancelled the appointment. I could not say anything to him directly at the time, but I did end it. I am so grateful for my new-found instincts about people. Thank you for your straight forward explanations about codependency and narcissism.
Jayne Hathaway I feel empowered knowing.. however I found my Narc in me and cried for a week like a baby . Smothered my son with a lot of attention when he was lil . He's bonded to me but needs praise from people and almost demands it from a boss at work places . 🤢
Jayne Hathaway I can spot the males immediately, females 2 minutes. They give themselves away in their appearance and their speech. They demand your attention immediately in one way or another. Once they have your attention alarm bells and narcissism checklists should start firing off in your head. Within 5 minutes you should be able to spot the NARC in the room. Thats what I do.
Another excellent and well-presented video. Thanks, Richard. I went no contact with my 96 year old abusive father a few weeks ago. I am 66. These few weeks have been better than any time I spent with my father. Keep up the good work and I send you love and support.!
Maybe, but think of it another way: how much of your youth was wasted and tainted by bad treatment by the narc parent? A lot of it, almost ALL of it I'd venture to guess. Parents who treat their children like crap don't deserve to be taken care of by those children when they get old. After all, you have only one life to live for all we know. If you ask me, Aztlan Mike should have left his abusive father behind LONG before he hit 66 and became old himself. The remaining times he has without him mucking up his life may be sweet, but there may not be much of it. The elderly abuser deserves no pity, after all we must remember they have none in their heart for anyone else. You mistreat your child, you void the warranty on using them as your retirement plan. Sooner or later the mistreated child has to start living for THEMSELVES, not just to serve their parent. And it should be well before that parent kicks off from old age, because in today's world, you could well be old yourself by the time that happens.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
@@suzanahas4740 Those are the attributes of what real love looks like. This is not exactly humanly possible to love this perfectly, but it's what to aim for and how to feel secure with someone's love toward us. It's how God loves. As far as trying to love a narcissist into any healing, well,even that wonderful, true love, will not deliver him , or her from the narcissism that has gripped the entire being. If true love could heal a narcissist, many people, especially empaths would be so elated. That's all I wanted to say, and God bless you.
Gifts from my Narc ex: 2 sticky-note pads stolen from work (he was particularly proud of these), a plastic car on a keychain (given with the insult that a childhood picture he saw of me looked like the distorted-faced cartoon kid on the packaging), a nightlight, an old toaster oven from his garage. He actually started unloading his garage into my house under the guise of furnishing my apartment. After I dumped him he hoovered me a week later asking to meet, so I chose a public place and brought his garage back to him. He reluctantly took most of the items back when I insisted I couldn't keep them.
Thank you for your time. I just recently terminated a so called friendship with someone who pulled me in...sweet loving kind...then resorts to looking for flaws and character assassination . Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING I do is wrong...I am sure even the way I breathe is incorrect. Ppl like myself get sick and damn tired of dealing with mentally deranged individuals. I am a loner by nature, and I am here to tell you, it's much more peaceful.
@@tranquility9325 yes, without a doubt. All they want is to be loved as well as us and they give back genuine unconditional love and loyalty. They are angels with fur 🐈💕🐾🐕💕🐾
My ex is a textbook narcissist. Talk about crappy gifts, the only thing she got me in 7 months was an car air-freshener! She would gaslight me all the time and when i confronted her about it, and showed her the texts which proved her gas-lighting, she would say 'it was a joke', 'sometimes I type random things' etc. She displayed a huge lack of empathy to exes and guys she had dated or actively led on, saying that 'if they have feelings for me, then that's their problem'. She would test me all the time, storming off expecting me to chase after her, or constantly telling me about guys that were hitting on her to make me jealous. She never admitted she was wrong and would insist that 'she didn't need to change'. She had a history of cheating on her exes and was constantly negative, hardly ever raising a smile. When I tried to leave, given her lack of apparent interest and negativity, she would beg me to stay and said she would stop taking me for granted. Like a fool I took her back, mainly because she is really beautiful and I was taken in by her faux sincerity. I wanted to believe it. Eventually, after a nice date where she said she felt so comfortable with me and that it was the best date she had ever had, she left and blocked me from all communication. I wish I had known the red flags before, as it would have spared me from a lot of pain. The Red Flags: 1) Their exes left them (they probably realised something was up). 2) Gas-lighting - they make you question your reality. 3) Negativity 4) They seek validation on their appearance e.g. revealing pics on social media. 5) Lack of empathy or cold demeanour. 6) Emotionally volatile i.e. they flip out over small things and create arguments. 7) They don't truly invest in the relationship (their actions don't match their words). 8) They lie or are dishonest e.g. cheating. 9) They aren't interested in you and may just ignore or talk over you. 10) They play games - silent treatment, storming off, or test you with questions designed to entrap you. These people are out there. Be warned! I didn't want to believe it, but they are, and if you don't recognise it, you will get hurt. Trust your instincts, don't get distracted by their being pretty - they are Sirens!.
Hello Nick. This is what happened to me as well. All the red flags were there i just could see them or i could see only few. Thus making into believing that it is pretty normal behaviour for a woman. Sadly these demonic creatures exist. In the end i managed to see the bs sick game she was playing and i blocked her.
the true narcissist is much more subtle than you protray here. They do sometimes admit they were wrong and let you in on their secrets in the begining it is this that leads you to belive that you are special to them and can trust them. Their version of the truth of course normally doesnt come into conflict with yours until you have already commiteed to them totally. The are very generous and open sometimes its confusing. Empathy is the real key but that takes time. Anybody can fall victim to a narcississt not only those who witnessed childhood abuse. We must stop blaming the victim for making a bad choice. Its pretty nigh impossible to spot most of them. You can remove yourself completely from the dating game for a season, but thats no gaurantee because if you do fall prey to one again youll likely only discover it once you are completely in love with them.
+donna jackson I think there were definitely signs that, if seen again, I would be able to notice in a future relationship. Now that I even know Narcissism exists and is common.
+donna jackson There are definite signs of an abuse or Narc relationship early on. They never admit they are wrong, they would want to do what they wont to do all the time, they wont allow mess around them, they wont to go to quickly, and go into a committed relationship, they try to make you feel bad when they don't get what they want, charm the pants off you, then slag you off in the next sentence. VERY DISRESPECTFUL WHEN TALKING TO FRIENDS ABOUT YOU. Don't love, respect or accept you. Now if you don't know how to spot that, then take time out of dating and learn to love, respect and accept yourself and that gives you one major tool how to spot them. If they make a big scene about you not coping without them, show them the door. If they don't treat you with up most respect, love and acceptance then show them the door.
You are correct - their admitted "oh I've made so many mistakes - that is causing my suffering" - Yet they will never admit to a live/now/reality mistake- or at least I haven't witnessed one - not directly - in the now (between them and you) - Great point!
donna jackson narcissists are not always subtle. my mom was the first narcissist I had to deal with also she had many personalities or multiple personality disorder. she was never treated for any of these highly extreme problems & no one else noticed. no one in my family detected them besides myself. my parents were abusive & subsequently all or most of my other relationships in life have been terribly abusive. I didn't enjoy my life yet or have any good enjoyable or fun relationships yet because of these problems in my childhood. they are very extreme very disturbing problems to have & most people I met in life do try to unduly control me & manipulate me so I don't enjoy that.
I wanted to comment that they like to give you second hand things... Bizar I keep finding accurate details confirming what I experienced while interacting or spending time with these types. Amazing. Really enlightens my frustrations.
My ex kept him having a freaking newborn from me. When he finally told me after 8 months of us "together" and all he said was I didn't lie just hadn't told you yet.. has almost full custody of one kid but keeps another kid a secret.. ok..
I have red flags too. They go too fast into romance. Like waaaaay too fast. They want to say over and over again how good they are as though they are trying to convince me. I feel like they are in love with an idealized version of me that is in their heads. Not in love with me. I mean how can they be in love with me if they just met me? They can't. So who is it they are thinking about? I am suspicious of overly emotional men. Guys that are "sensitive". Guys that talk a lot about their ex as though they aren't over them. I am especially on alert when I hear phrases such as "I was just...." and "if you would have just done this then I wouldn't have done that". Apologies over a text. When you say no they act offended and do some crazy thing like make a scene at Denny's. All of these things alarm me when I start seeing them at the very beginning. I refuse to go any further. I never talk to them again. Ever. Instant silence. My way of combating the chances of falling into the trap of someone more controlled until they know you is to have a probationary period of 3 months. Most of the time the mask comes off before then. But there is something about the 3 month mark. That time is usually when things go so stupid that you get a call from his pregnant wife or something. So if you keep your heart safe and your eyes and brain working then you can usually see it coming. Listen I know everyone fantasizes about a romantic partner, but let's be honest. This is not tv. You need to get reality back into focus. Don't be hypnotized because someone called you pretty. Don't fall for it. Even if you are pretty what does that matter when the real you is inside?
That’s not narcissism. That’s textbook borderline personality disorder. People with BPD get attached way too fast because of severe abandonment when they were younger. They confuse love with attachment, they don’t know the difference. They are actually convinced that they do really love you, that you are the one. It’s a defense mechanism in their brain so they can pull you close and never let go (because their brain doesn’t want to go through abandonment ever again). Narcissists know they don’t love you that quickly, but they will manipulate you into loving them because they feed on that attention and affection.
I think you are right about the red flags, but those don't have to Come from narcissists, could also be borderline or codependants that act that way. But unhealthy none the less
WOW...THANK YOU for these videos! I grew up with an alcoholic narcissist mother, and 3 sisters (via trained by mother). I seemed to be the "black sheep" rebelling from my mother and not wanting to comply to her lies and calling her out on her daily manipulations from the age of 4. I am 47 years old now and for the last few years I have been in the process of really getting it and healing. I want to help people with this as soon as I get a full grip on it. It has caused me much suffering , isolation, and fear of everything. Even though people call me beautiful and i've done a fair share of acting and modeling, inside there was always this shame and embarrassment of people seeing the truth. I finally had to separate from them and totally cut them out of my life but they still manage to try and dig on me from a far. Your videos are a step closer for me to get to a place of peace. Thank you again, you're awesome!
Richard, you have helped me more than you will ever know. Keep doing what you do! I don't confess this lightly: I've been healing for a couple of years now, and your videos have made finishing that process clear and possible. Words seem so inadequate, but my most warmest, heart-felt thanks goes out to you. There is no more confusion, escapism or pretense. I've become REAL, with boundaries and goals now, -unapologetically. It feels almost foreign, but also like a homecoming from Neverland at the tender age of 56! -Better late than never, eh?😄 Cheers from NY!💙
Narcissism is on a continuum like most disorders. If you believe the person you are with is a narcissist, they don't have to necessarily meet each and everyone of these criteria to the extent that is being explained. Sometimes they say they are sorry for whatever they've done but it is probably just to keep you tied into them and probably no real sincerity behind it. They can be what they need to be when it suits them.
molly c Exactly and it is just words. I think if the apology comes with an action actually making it right ie amends then it could be sincere. Of course, if ur with someone who is constantly disappointing you that alone is abusive/not smn u should b with
I wish I could give you 10,000 👍🏻 I was married to one, and she would say, “I’m sorry” with absolutely no hint of remorse. Then she would continue on her merry way and NEVER change her behavior. If they tell you they are sorry, but then refuse to change their behavior, they aren’t really sorry. Sorry is as sorry does. It took me a long time to finally catch on and stand up for myself. An embarrassingly long time. I was so in love that I was blind to the reality of the situation. For anyone who thinks they may be in a similar situation, look for genuine remorse in an apology. If it isn’t there (and in the case of a narcissist, who can NEVER be wrong, it won’t be), and they don’t change their behavior, face up to the reality of the situation you are in.
Yes!!! Love is a VERB. It requires accountability, solution to the conflict and change. And narcs can’t take accountability for ANYTHING, so therefore nothing gets solved and nothing gets changed. So a few weeks/months/ days later you find yourself dealing with the SAME conflict. Smh these devils are exhausting
They cannot feel, they can only mimic emotions briefly. It can be very scary if you see it is severe enough, just move one you are not going to change them, but they will harm you. So be strong...set boundaries....honor yourself...enough to say no thanks
Yes. But the crappy gifts are given with the statement "I bought you this because I know you love ..... dolphins, horses, rainbows... ".whatever THEY think. Yes. THEY move things along at their pace but always "protect their interests" meanwhile living off you. Narcissists also keep very close tabs on you - pry into everything, meanwhile very secretive .
This N breezed through Xmas day (uninvited) and threw a crumpled cheap miniskirt at me (I'd never wear something like that because I was 55) apparently it was a skirt that was left at his place from another girl. Huge insult. They are very stingy. The other thing you might have experienced is they like to mess your stuff up "accidentally" won't apology or replace anything. Of course they know this will make you feel crazy.
I thought I was crazy, also I felt such guilt if the so called friends made me angry. I felt I had no rights to be angry at abusers. My parents were great, but one aunt was horrible and I had spent too much time with her, because she had convinced me to look up at her. Some friends and I were abused for years, by just getting scrapsof friendship from narcissists not knowing we deserved better.
***** its o.k. ... try to remember the bad dosnt take from the good that has happened... you can be both a victim and have had a good life... you probably have a better life than your abusers.
when your family member is one. never heard a real apology, dismissive to my emotions, never wrong, reframes what i said when i'm trying to get a straight answer, and inappropriate boundary crossing in both private and public scenarios
Yea, I grew up with one of those. It will damage you for life, theres no getting around it. PTSD. If you are strong enough to survive it however, you become quite immune to the bastards. You can sense them a mile away, hang out in a room full of them, deal with them, and walk away with a smile knowing you saw through them, ignored their BS, irritated the hell out of them, and survived to fight another day with that gorgeous smile on your face. Confidence is a wonderful thing. Keep it with you at all times. You have the upper hand with knowledge.
Oh yeah I know what you mean. I've been emotionally abused by my father and sister and just recently discovered that I was right about my feelings all along. They almost destroyed me but I'm glad I got the information I needed to move forward with my life and make changes for my self preservation.
You said something about Narcissists giving gifts. I don't know if this is a common thing but it's so consistent with my Mom that I expect it now. She'll promise a thing that she has yet to do or get, I'll say "yes, I would like that". Months later, after she's had enough time to do it and then some, I will call her and say "whatever happened to that thing you were going to do"? She then gets mad because I asked about it, and says that's the reason she's not going to do it now.
+Solomon Raabe I used to get that ALL the time from Narc boyfriends. It must have been esp difficult from your mom. Sorry to hear that. One day my bf and I were out on the boat and next to us was a boat named "Broken Promises" I started laughing. Weird thing was that he got it too. Sad thing was that he wasn't embarrassed that I knew that ow his rap was out in the open - that he was full of BS. But I was happy that at least I got confirmation from the Universe that it wasn't me going insane but that I was with insane. All the best. Thanks for letting me share - it's been a very strange journey.
+Solomon Raabe Both my parents are narcs :-( I only realised this after years of counsellors and cbt for my depression, anxiety and desire to kill myself than continue living and taking up space on the planet I so convinced I worthless and stupid and selfish, not contributing to the planet just a drain on resources......... I had first appt with Relate counsellor recently instead of UK NHS and she explained that my Dad deffo and probably my Mum also, she told me to come onto Spartan site on here. I have learnt in 1 hour listening to him and other clips on youtube than I have for 30 years of nhs pills and cbt sticking plasters. After also 19 years living with a closet narc (who moved me in the same week we met he so in love with me, but it went wrong, he didn't want kids etc he convinced our family doctor I was depressed cos I was lesbian as frigid in his mind (GP sent me for sex counselling???, I selfish, lazy greedy because I wanted him to contribute more to the household money (when he was earning well more than me yet I was paying 50/50) he never could remember my birthday, gave rubbish present almost but never what I wanted so I was stuck with something I didn't want but he take offence if I bought what I did need or swapped his in towards (always) more expensive item I actually had told him I wanted, and wanted him to start doing some cleaning/paperwork etc ),. He finished itwith me when I had a nervous breakdown (bullied at work big style), married a philipino and had kids after telling me didn't want to - I went straight back into living with my parents as terrified of livin on my own. 6 months later my Dad stopped speaking, for 3 years now most I get is a hello if I say it first, unless he is shoutingat me with disgust in his voice when I 'done something wrong in his house' and he now is selling the house to 'downsize' me out of his domain because I stood up to him and shouted back after he had chosen to give away my belongings from the split up and yet claimed I had told him I wanted rid of the mountain and road bikes etc? Hang in there Solomon you are not alone in having nightmare narc parent/s. my life has always been promises of jam tomorrow and tomorrow never comes. I now at state of either kill myself or leave and have nothing to do with them anymore. I am looking at houses I can afford - without the money they promised me last Nov ''if you go now you can have some money towards buying'' it now 4 months later I struggling to find somewhere and the money is not there. you are not alone and will survive now matter what, we survivors got to stick together xoxoxox
Sounds like a means of control. Something you might have actually gotten for yourself if they hadn't promised to get it for you, and so you sit it out.....don't really want to bring it up, but eventually you might because you just want or need to know if "the plan" is still on, then of course you're accused of being either selfish or greedy....You just walked into their TRAP!
the covert narcissist I was with used to send me flowers a lot and after a year of no contact - none whatsoever - he actually came over from the USA and knocked on my door and the flowers came on and off over that year, it was incredibly unsettling
OMG! I literally listened and felt EVERY WORD that you spoke for 16 minutes - with my mouth wide open in shock! Even your ending with the the words of "guilt and shame" that have haunted me 24/7 for many years of trying to self-improve, grow, and learn 'WHY' the continuous bullying, harassment, robbery, lies and heart-breaks over SERIOUS or the most petty things or PEOPLE...your words have summed it ALL up in a nutshell. I do not know whether to laugh or cry at his point, I feel truly in shock, but as you likely might suspect - I also feel very much like crying :( Please believe me when I tell you that I am highly educated, worldly traveled, live with high ethical standards and empathy, and by no means am unpleasant physically to look at (they say), one of the most compassionate people you might meet in your life. [ I'm trying to honestly describe these characteristics in my most humble way possible ]. But, it is as if I can translate and visualize your words/meanings into something akin to wearing a neon sign on my forehead that reads "beat me up, emotionally abuse me, destroy my careers, break my devoted heart over someone so that I must grieve in shame for over 2 decades, and I'll even give you my money to help you, and similar behaviours, etc." Eeeks, YOU SIR....are one very wise gentleman! Due to my intellectual cognitive abilities...I have somehow known of what you describe for some time, but as I am sure that you also know: Our rational, formally trained lessons (i.e) higher education, others' advice, and/or endless self-help researching can not easily compete with our intense internalized emotions. I shall never blame others for my shortcomings, in that I am aware of knowing that I was and will forever be naive and at fault for permitting so many heart-wrenching events to occur to me during this lifetime, but you have made my seemingly eternal daily quest to discover "WHY" much easier:) I am still 20ish in my head and heart (hahaha), but I did not wish 'To Pass' (as they say) without really understanding "The WHY OF IT ALL". For this I gratefully thank you...and kindly ask you to continue to teach others regarding our often painful, but common sense realities about ourselves. Now I am smiling because (1) you hopefully managed to read this lengthy confession (oops - writing), and (2) because you likely know that not only have you helped me, but assisted me to apply this lesson to help (oops - guide) others with their own challenges :) A sincere thank you, and keep up the good work!
Ursula Vavrik If you haven't come across her already, Google Melanie Tonia Evans and sign up for her updates on her website. She knows narcissism inside out and her newsletters are brilliant for setting the healing process in train.
Read Psalm 91 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord , He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday. A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee. Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked. Because thou hast made the Lord , which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation; There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling. For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone. Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet. Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name. He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him. With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation. Psalms 91:1-16 KJV
Ursula Vavrik Hi! It was 4 yrs ago you posted this. I’ve listened to it from time to time to remind myself. But this time I even red the comments and came across your post. You are me!! Every word I could have written. A very strange but yet confirming feeling. Or maybe you were me? I’m just curious to know how your healing went (or is on going). I wish you the very best!! 🙏🏽✌🏽❤️
Damn! You hit every nail with this video. My ex husband was narc, he was so eager and rushed the marriage to be done within a month, had no boundaries he would go through rummaging through all my stuffs and my pockets without my knowledge and take and use my bank card without my permission, and yes he also gave me crap gift while I gave him an expensive Armani watch as a wedding gift and all I got in return was a stone with our name written on it. He lacked empathy he assaulted me while I was pregnant and had a miscarriage because of him and his response was ‘it sounds like you’ve been through this miscarriage business before’, I was absolutely shocked by his lack of empathy and response
Thank you very much for this series. You have helped me a lot. I have had friendships with narcissistic women, and what you said about GIFTS really resonated with me. In the first case, Friend 1 would hold big birthday parties for herself (agonizing about the arrangements for months) and expect to be given presents by her friends (who she only ever saw on her birthday), but whatever gift you gave her she was disappointed with it. She would also make a big deal about your upcoming birthday, but then on the day give you nothing, saying she hadn't found the "perfect thing" yet.Then several months later she would present you with something inappropriate, or take you out shopping for your "gift", when you were really over getting a present, and not into shopping anyway. Once she brought a Christmas present to my work in April, barging in to my work space and presenting me with a bag of chocolate covered coffee beans, when I don't like chocolate and I don't drink coffee, and I had also told her I'd been having problems with insomnia. WTF? Friend 2 is also a big party holder, where she likes to run stalls and sell things as well (that's fine, Amy Sedaris even advises it in her hospitality book), but she would also demand guests wear costumes and give out prizes of things she found around the house and wanted to get rid of anyway. All this would have been great fun if she hadn't displayed her narcissism in other manipulative ways, and she ALSO always wanted to "take (me) shopping to get (me) something nice because you DESERVE IT." I'm a frugal person and shopping for the sake of it does nothing for me, and NOW, because of these two narcissistic women I have gone off being given gifts completely. I cancelled my last 3 birthdays and find I Christmas very traumatic. I don't want gifts from anyone, because these women used gifts to manipulate my emotions. Interestingly, when I REFUSED gifts from them they were "deeply hurt" and defended their rights to "make the people they love happy." The phenomenon of Narcissism and Gift Exchange is fascinating - maybe it links into a Narcissistic inability to truly share? Well you're the therapist, I hope you have fun with my theory. I give it as my GIFT TO YOU, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND YOU DESERVE IT whoops no sorry, hope I didn't trigger you there :-) Blessings to you from New Zealand. Have a great day.
Ohhh yeah - i am so guilty of the 15 traits of people pleasing. I am a magnet for narcissists. But - i am so educating myself, and after 50 yrs of crap i am freeing myself.
Thank you for posting these. I thought I had been going crazy my entire life until very recently. My "reality" came crumbling apart nearly three and a half months ago. I'm now setting those needed boundaries but I'm still experiencing extreme guilt. Why? After years of emotional manipulation and abuse, I still care about how they freaking feel. It's really bothering me that I care that much and I feel stuck.
This is the first video I watch coming from a guy and it cleared everything that I was still confused about! Ex used to buy me a teddy bear with chocolates every year for valentine's, the teddy bear was deformed because it was so cheap. The first time I said thank you. The following years I said I didnt like stuffed animals and he said i was an ungrateful person. So he kept giving me the same size stuffed animal still in the plastic bag of the grocery store with the receipt that showed a couple dollars . I was upset because he always gifted expensive things to family and friends and he would pay to get them wrap. But I dont like expensive gifts so It didnt matter that much until... Another valentine day passed and he gave me two rabbits kissing holding a box of chocolates. I was happy because I thought this is the way he expresses his love through giving. But right after he said that he loved me and rabbits represented the love and closeness , he started another little daily fight. I was upset because I was still holding the deformed tiny kissing rabbits and i was also getting yelled at by the same person who said the rabbits represented the love he had for me. I stated to realized that it was literal what he was saying , "a deformed insignificant love" . So I pulled the rabbits apart and dumped the male rabbit and told him to stop loving me and to stop giving me crap because it was painful. That was the last of the stuffed animals and the beginning of new strategies but I thought that he honestly loved me after that because he picked up the rabbit and put it with the other one and said he was sorry. Anyway 11 years later and I was still remembering that scene and feeling like I acted crazy because the crappy gift giving shouldn't have mattered but for some reason it bothered me a lot. I spent many years trying to figure out whether I was ungrateful or mean or if he intentionally wanted to let me know that all I deserved was crap and that I kept proving that I will always accept it. So Yes this types of relationships are confusing, anything and everything is a red flag that is missed. Thank you for your videos!!!!
I am the daughter of a narcissistic father. We were bred for guilt since birth. It is always about not hurting the narcissistic parent at the expense of your feelings. That was my family edict.When I went no contact I felt so guilty. Programing. Watch the movie called “I, Psychopath “. You will not feel guilty when you figure out what is going on.
Now I haven't watched this video yet, but I have to say I agree with you. I had two false friends which I can recognice a lot in what is told about the Narcissist traits, I broke out from their friendship/contact a few years ago as it became too toxic. Right now I am healing more from this, but it has been a few very hard years. I still can sometimes feel a bit sad every now and then, I treated them as my friends and thought they were my friends. It was a very heartbreaking time for me once I realized how they really were, I struggled so much in sadness and anger 'cause of how they treated me. I am glad you have got a lot helped through this year. May you become stronger and walk on in His victory. :-)
Richard, I would occasionally have sleepovers at friends' houses in childhood, and I was horrified that my friends did not obsequiously thank their mothers for any little thing and run after them to make cups of tea, etc. I was so worried that our 'rudeness' would result in poisonous rage. Thank you. It still feels weird to not bow and scrape. We're designed for these people, and are a bright red magnet for them. It makes me so angry and sad.
I have found that the AA model of healing through helping others has done much for me through being a parent. When I notice myself patterning after my emotionally abusive mother, I can catch myself, change my behavior, reflect on my own childhood, and feel empowered by breaking the pattern and being a more loving Mommy😊
that is the sign of a true human being. just because one has endured pain, this does not give them the inherent right to cause others the same painful experience. i am one such person. wrong is wrong, period.
I have more lightbulbs snapping on since watching your videos. I've stopped dating, did find Mr Right but looking back at my dating hysteria, I dated more narcissists than I knew.
Wow! Thank you for doing what you do! I have no idea how I got here but 3 vids down so far and you've explained more than any therapist I've seen. I realized a yr ago my mother was a sick (I diagnosed to b sociopath) and can't help herself - officially done with her. The person you discussed to a "T" is my soon to be ex husband. I'm excited to be almost free (moving out the end of this month unfortunately I have to Bc he will not) of both of them. I feel peace and happiness around the corner and your vids explain why! Sincere thanks...New fan!
Wish I had found your videos three years ago. Of course I wouldn’t have paid attention because at that point I don’t think I had dealt with a partner with deep personality disorders to this extent. Learning so much now and am very grateful. Here’s to making better decisions going forward. ❤️🌷
This is gold. I used to be so freaking naive a few years back, I just felt like it was wrong to stand up for myself. I didn't know why. I found out why after finally dating a seriously neurotic NPD case, soon thereafter realizing that I'm attracted to women like that because I grew up with a narc mother. And it blew my mind so much that I went on a nonstop 3 day video marathon to educate myself and cleanse myself from this evil. But the best cleansing you can do is to keep them out of your life, OR if you can't (like when they are the father/mother of your children) then just keep the meet-ups and contacts as brief and as rare as possible. That's key. It's absolutely imperative that you do that, if you ever want to be happy again. These people suck the literal happiness out of you. I don't know how, I don't know how it works on an energetic level, but they do. It's like they have their tentacles inside your soul and they're always squeezing, like a filthy tentacled maggot. So put yourself first today and don't allow yourself to take any abuse anymore. It wasn't fun, but I'm glad I went through it, because finally everything makes sense and I can breathe again. Feelsgoodman. So if you recently found out you were raised by a parent or parents with NPD or dated a romantic partner with the personality disorder, don't be down on yourself. Truly, this is a blessing in disguise. We all needed this wake up call very much. I am glad I went through what I went through, because I can't imagine only finding this shit out at 50 or 60 with a whole life wasted. That would be terrible. And I found out about this only at 28, which is still kind of late, but again, don't fret. If you found out this truth at 16 or 60, just be happy you now know what the F is up, because these people are an absolute torture to live with or even be around. They are disturbed and now they creep me the F out. There is something seriously wrong in their brain or in their soul. Personally, I think it's a state of soul issue. They're just corrupt souls with no humanity, and little to no empathy. It's disgusting. And their hollow eyes when they're raging or out of narcissistic supply (when it's running low or on empty) creep me the F out too. I don't even feel comfortable sleeping in the same house knowing that these people or person are in the house with me. There is something truly disturbing and evil about them. They're so fragile, and yet so evil. It's a weird and creepy duality. Wish all the best to you. Hope you all find your good piece of happiness and sanity and peace.
Hey, I am 64, and the daughter of a narcissistic father. I have figured it out! I still have 20 to 30 years left to be happy now with or without someone.
Yes!!!! Bad gifts! I thought it was just me! Every single gift had an ulterior motive, was something he would like or would benefit from. Such a great insight. Thx
"too deep too soon" ....I would like to add that a narcissist will be putting on a front in the beginning, which costs a lot of energy. They know they cannot keep it up for too long so the sooner they can lock you in the better. You agree?
That’s more in line with borderline personality disorder, the “matching or copying my personality with theirs so they will fall in love with me” sort of thing
Thank you so much for all your wisdom and for taking the time to teach us how to better love ourselves. Just hearing you say it's okay to trust your intuition and to give us valuable information that could change our world means so much to all of us. Kathryn
I noticed my narcissist would always pick a fight right before HE had something important to do (like flying to Alaska for work).. then he'd say "why would you make me so upset when you know I have this important thing to do"... Every time.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. So clear! In 5 years he NEVER took me out. What was i thinking! Feel ashamed that i found that okay. I asked for a evening walk. He NEVER gave it to me!
think of ti this way - YOU ARE FREE! LIKE I AM... mine always had somebody to complain about... all-ways... at her jobs, any and everywhere... love her dearly but she needs to figure out who she is... I'll wait, for a little bit... been waiting for a long time, but because I love her how she is, as long as she has respect for me... as long as she doesn't use me or abuse me, attack me... 12 years... life trashed, severe jealousy... possessive, think she thought she owned me... nope, let her live, she moved home in 2013 after cheating, I slept for 2 years after that, then got micky'd and almost died... then I set upon hunting their dope rings... me, high IQ, 159, but WAS dumb to people, not no more...
Mine was so proud of having found me a great iPod... on sale... having been refurbished. So I mean, I still have it somewhere and it's still full of music that I put there (including my playlist that has "Still Alive" from the game Portal and three versions of "I Will Survive," lol) and it still works fine, but at the time it was soul-crushing. I know that sounds dramatic but his total delight in having found me a second-hand version of the thing I wanted was just... obliterating.
Crappy gift = devalidation I‘d like to add: lack of empathy. During the lovebombing phase, my narc really tried hard to impress me with good gifts, but she failed. I always behaved myself and never displayed ungratefulness, but she could tell the difference between real excitement and politeness. Of course, she blamed me and told my other friends in a joking way that i was so complicated, my other friends looked confused and said, „Not at all.“ So, it became a running gag that her gifts were always the least thoughtful of all, which annoyed her, because she wanted to be the best. After years, i noticed that there was more that she did not get about me, way more important stuff than just a birthday present. So, even if they try, they can‘t understand you, because they’re emotionally challenged.
How about a toothpick holder. Another time a spoon rest. Earrings that cost $9.99, on sale! Then when I inquired/cpmplained, I got its not the price, it's the thought that counts. You thought enough of me for a toothpick holder??? Maybe if I stayed with him I'd get toothpicks next year!
Amazing video!!!!! Thank you!!! I have been in therapy for the narcissistic abuse for about 6 months since I broke free and I’ve leaned more from this video of yours!!! I’ve been in a 8 years of with my narcissistic abuser!! broke free six months ago. You have made me ore understand that i was with a totally monster... I still love him but you made me understand this comes with a deep wounds from childhood. Love is pain love is drama... that is what I was used too. My narcissistic ex verbally, physically, emotionally, mentally destroyed me. He lied and cheated constantly! The love boombing was to good to be true! For any of you starting to see these red flags run!!!! As fast as you can!!! The will suck you dry!!! Destroy you!!!
hey, I like socks for XMas! : ) but that's just me, I actually WORK... lots just sit there (hint-hint)... now who has the devil's idle hands and minds... just sitting there, eh?
I got a scarf that belonged to her father. She handed me the box and said "this smells funny so you might want to get it dry cleaned." She couldn't even be troubled to launder it first. Then she gave me saucy photos of herself that she had taken three boyfriends ago. All of them had also seen the pics.
My God I have commented on a few of your videos today, I have never realized how much as an empath I have absorbed this energy. When I look back every single relationship I have been treated in this way. Truly mind boggling I can't even tell you how much relief I feel right now and how much more aware I feel to the energy.
The reference to bad gift giving made me wonder if it was a test by the narc. Are they testing how deep the hook is? The worse the gift the deeper the hook. To the narc would this read " this person loves me so much they don't even care how bad this gift is."... or/ and bad treatment, degradation, etc. Does this fit?
Now that you mention it, I totally agree. I´ve seen that narcs are big testers, when the button works they push it harder, when it doesn´t they change tactics or jump right out of the boat. When my ex-narc dissed my mother i nevertheless excused her (though she never apologised), and the hellfire just got hotter until enough was enough.
Plus we went Dutch treat on every date! And he gift wrapped my dictionary I left at his house and gave it to me for Christmas! Horribly insulting and loved it I’m sure
This one really struck home. Being naive to abuse because one wasn't allow to speak out against or even see the abuse between the parents. Love = drama, pain. Yes I have the how to stop an emotional flashback handout. Thank you.
Thanks for the video! Loved your accent, btw :3 My mother is a narcisist, and only now I know I've been emotionally abused my whole life... When I was a teenager, she would yell at me and start an argument for no reason, and then turn my dad against me too. Funny thing is that I had never done anything wrong that could justify this behavior. For a long time i thought it was on me, but after a little while of therapy I know it's not my fault. She has most of the behaviors you mentioned: she's never sorry (or, aha, if she's sorry is just to regain control over me again - never too late to notice! :P),she's negative, bitchy... :T I've made a decision - I'll move out... I just dunno when :(
Been watching your videos mostly whole day and i feel like i have awaken.I started experiencing that sane and comforting feeling that i had when i was like 11 and no worries in the world , and i would just watch Tv , feel completely peaceful and fall asleep while doing so.If this all makes sense...life have been such a buzz , sometimes you can get stuck in places that doesn't really reflect a fact , the reality , but rather a fake world pulled over your eyes.All the energy you can get from all directions in the modern daily life can completely numb you of being able to experience the reality how it really is. You also have a great energy , wish you the best with your journey and thank you for this videos that you're making i'm sure many people out there are completely lost and they surely appreciate.
i have an acquaintance and whenever I have to talk with her, afterwards I feel beat up. Not that the conversation was abusive or anything, on the surface it seems like a normal conversation and she is being sociable, but the side effect of interacting with her is that I leave feeling beat up. Is she a narcissist ? i have never been able to figure out why that is. I mentioned it to another woman who knows her and she understood what I meant, so it is not just me.
Yes, this is your intuition telling you something big about them. I knew someone like this, and befriended her. Fast forward 11 years later and I discovered she is definitely a narc. Don't waste so much time. Listen to your intuition and move on quickly.
She may be a perpetual victim, or Petter Pan... don;t grow up... and suck the energy out of the room... full NPD... who knows... but trust the way you feel body and mind... avoid anyone that makes you feel that way... dark clouds, pity party for 1 , and you just feel bruised afterwards...! These people will ask you to do things for you they can do for themselves... and test the 'friendship' to see how far they can take it...
I can't believe it I've been in a weird place and confused trying to find answers and you have answered nearly absolutely every question I have had. I'm astonished how I relate to everything you have said
If "nice" partners bore you, and you only maintain interest in relationships with some type of conflict going on, would that count as internalizing some negative relationship patterns from childhood? If it is, then that that would probably be reproduced in our conscious life without us being necessarily aware we're doing it. How the heck do you stop that?
SPARTANLIFECOACH I can identify totally to this, and made a conscious effort to go against what I innately want, I effectively have unconsciously chosen narcissists and abusive partners my whole life, then a moment of eureka, I was effectively trying to fix the primal problem, my vile father, I was trying unconsciously to rewrite history, of course it never worked it just kept me in the comfortable zone of being uncomfortable and traumatised over and over, thank god for change, and not even practicing opposites, but looking inside and fixing myself. I used to be a chronic people pleaser, putting myself the back of the queue, I have decided to be someone that makes me happy, rather than being with SOMEONE that makes me happy. and watching this particular video made me realise a long term partner was an undercover narcissist :), by the way he treated staff and waiters! another eureka moment. thanks for a very interesting youtube video, looking forward to watching all of them, not to please you with my words ;) out of genuine interest
Nicole lewis "I was trying unconsciously to rewrite history, of course it never worked it just kept me in the comfortable zone of being uncomfortable and traumatised over and over," Thats the thing. We try to resolve childhood trauma in our adult relationships. Glad to hear you broke the pattern.
SPARTANLIFECOACH you know the last few days of watching your youtube videos have been a surreal and enlightening life changing experience, bringing unconscious stuff to conscious awareness and making them real and tangible and therefore easier to grasp and resolve, I don't know why but having watched multiple videos I had a moment earlier on today where my ex partner which is recent 2months ago, came into my mind in a way he never has, totally freeing me from the ties that bind me, unconsciously I knew it was trying to solve the primal problem, however not feeling it on a conscious level, and it came out of nowhere today it was like watching a projector in my mind, as clear and concise as that! I remembered my fathers exercise regime always working out the heaviest weights usually just his upper torso having never done cardio, he was a very feared man, and without chatting broken biscuits and sad stories all the other shit that abuse can contain, its been in my face for a year, everyone else has seen it but me, he is a carbon copy, don't get me wrong he is no way a sexual deviant like my father, which is probably another layer of fucked up attraction as in reliving my childhood less the sexual abuse, these videos have literally changed my life, I've made a decision not to embark on psychotherapy, why go back to the original trauma? I choose problem solving facets of my persona. Last time I had psychotherapy was 15 yrs ago I was studying a DHP and the professor took a shine to my life story :) regressed me back, told me to pick up Nicola the little girl and take her to a place of safety, I did just that hahahah took her home with me, no follow up help and me and little nicola ended up in a psych unit for 3 months, on the upside the professor was a regular visitor....... I ponder why ;)..... thankyou for your reply and thankyou for these life changing real live fucking answers no bullshit no psychobabble just real, I feel like I have arrived at my destination :)
I think you can change that maybe by modifying your vision about narcissistic personnalities. And how to do it? probably by understanding their mechanism and understanding that the image they´re trying to give you is just fake.
just caught myself in a scenario with this exact behavior, something out of everything you said they had done over the last year....extremely charming, secretive, rushed, living another life ...etc... i believe in me having a good heart and breaking through to people in past relationships I gave them a chance, but I realize this was a whole other extreme and I found myself feeling more suffocated than I ever have. Yesterday I walked away, happy new year... thank you for the vids
Thank you for sharing this knowledge, only wish i could have listen to it when i was 18 (i'm now 51) i was in a relationship with what i know now to have been a narcissist and i wasted the best years of my life. If I'm honest i've never really recovered.
Wow, you know I've watched a lot of your videos and it's pretty crazy how I just stumbled upon this. The whole gift thing..I'm not much of a complainer as far as price or value..nothing like that. I used to think long and hard and do something meaning for my husband..and every year..Christmas..my birthday..he would wait till the last sec to get me a gift..something random but expensive as if the price held some meaning..when it was something that doesn't connect to me in any way at all. I always felt he simply didn't know who I was..had no concept of what I valued..the last 5 years with him was like that..I was with a vile man for 11 years..18-29..he got me at my weakest and most naive..5 months now I've gone no contact.
When I asked them what they saw as their weaknesses in an attempt to get to know each other, they gave me a blank look. When I asked them to further explain something they said they were passionate about in order to learn more about their interests, they became snappy. When I asked them why they got upset, they said it annoyed them bc they didn't actually know that much about the subject that they just claimed to be passionate about. When I broke down crying when talking about missing my family, they just sat there and STARED with a BLANK expression. NOTHING. Not even "oh shit I feel so awkward right now." Not even secondhand embarrassment LOL. Holy fuck. I stayed with them for an additional 8 months after all that. 😂 Never underestimate your own sheer stupidity in love.
Or, no gifts at all. My entire family, really. My Mother eventually learned enough about me to give me a few gifts through the years that reflected my interests/taste. So sad. I have suffered GREATLY because of my narc parents. At 56, rebuilding everything. Thank you for such useful, objective information. Godspeed Richard 🙏⭐🙏⭐🙏
Omg so true with the crappy gift giving! My first birthday with my ex narc was so disappointing....he gave me a pile of rubbish cheap DVDs that I never even watched as they weren't really what I would watch ( we had been together about 6 months at the time). I also got a joke card....not a romantic or nice one. For Christmas in my stocking he put in sweets that I already had from the cupboard, plus a pair of his pants and some of my tampons....he thought it was hilarious! I laughed but I felt extremely disappointed at the time....like I was just a joke to him. I even have this on video as he was filming my reaction cause he was just sooooo funny and clever *rolls eyes*
Wow - the most enlightening video for me you've made. Yes, now she's passed, I see, I was brought up by a narcissistic mother - leading me into, patterned similar relationships. Believing, that one day, as he promised, things would get there... get better. They never did. The last eight years of hanging in there, letting things go have been - what can I say? - an experience! As I finally see the light, and the penny finally dropped, I'm outta here. It's such a difficult one - free carefully. To escape an narcissist is no easy feat. Play, them at their own game; they thrive on compliments - I've got my name off the joint account, I've said what I need to, to keep him sweet. Once all is finalised, I can move on. Beware, though, give it a mth, a year and they will come crawling round for the next piece of you, they can take. Their brains not wired like a person with conscience. Empathy does not exist. If they did any good deed for you or anyone else, it was to their own ends. Detach, dis-connect, or they will bleed you dry. Thank you again Richard, - you have helped me enormously x Good luck and God Bless you all x
Yes very true! This past Christmas 2018, he gave me a pillow, a pack of socks that were so cheap I had to throw them away after one use, oh & I can't leave out the teeny tiny candle that he attempted to brag about how much it cost. So I did the same thing to him this year, the look on his face was priceless lol
I picked up one the term "people suffering from NPD" at the beginning. More likely everyone else suffers from their NPD, they are in their element using and abusing everyone and not suffering in the slightest. I knew what was meant just nit picking over terminology. People displaying NPD is the best I can come up with without putting much thought into it
lekawa Exactly, if people were aware of their intentions, they could deal with them in a much better way. I like the word No - it works a treat with narcissists, say it a few times and they get the message
Kev Stacey I agree with you, but the point is because they suffer, everyone else around them have to suffer to. In stead of realley going through the works to find out what is wrong. How long can you blame other people for your suffering?.
teresa radburn And I agree with you, they make others suffer even though they have no right to. The very nature of their condition rules out their accepting responsibility for themselves or taking any blame.
Thank you Richard, I felt like getting the package right away. Because it's been fun, just by having a look to your videos on you tube I immediately took decisions which can clearly turn things around for me.Change is already happening and it is so clear to me because I had spent the whole of my life trying to understand what's wrong with me and to ensure myself not to be abusive to others and that way being all the time at service of others and making myself invisible even though I'm not.... so grateful, great stuff!
I am so pissed with what i have experienced. I really want to equip myself with as much as possible knowledge on these subcreatures and enter again in a fake relashionship with a covert, just to test myself and play always using their own devil tactics.
Yes! And i was too scared to stick up for myself! Neurotically naive!! Misinterpreted reality to stay safe 😳😬🤯. Love was dramatic! I walked away but it is difficult to re parent and educate myself. I just stay single it’s easier.
Also, they tend to speak FOR you as if you can't speak for yourself. My mother would answer questions directed towards me beforw I can even open my mouth. I recently met a new coworker who's showing signs of NPD and when someone asked me, "Do you like candy?", before I can reply, this individual knowing nothing about me because we literally just met exclaimed "she LOVES candy?!" But if you confront them, they'll backpedal or gaslight and make excuses. "You're just easy to read" or "I was just guessing". Then they'll turn it back to you. "No need to be rude, I was only trying to be helpful." Yeah...that's what I'm currently dealing with. Uggh
I can answer my own questions, no offense. Thanks anyway, I would appreciate it if you did not do that again. Btw I hate candy (even if it's not true lmao) If they call you on that lie hit them with "it was a joke"
Thank you so very much, Richard Grannon Spartanlifecoach. I'm learning late in life, but teaching my children everything I can. Armed your young ones--let's break these cycles!
Richard, just caught this one after watching videos from 2018 and 2019. Yes, to the “ bad gifts”. My soon to be ex grabbed my bday gifts from the checkout lane at Whole Foods. No thought or forethought to ways to shower and delight his wife with appropriate gifts. To my friends here, please watch out for the inappropriate behavior Richard touches on here. They are loud and attention seekers in public. The important thing is to remind yourself that you can now heal and be the best you were meant to be without the smirking narc.
Yep, number three absolutely came out in terms of "the idealized heroic self." In order to be a hero though, they had to put other people down they didn't even know to feel all good about themselves. Pathetic! I'm as imperfect as anyone else, but this crosses a line for me and I'm glad you brought this point
Just thought I'd vent about crappy gift giving. This Christmas, my narc father gave me a paper grocery bag full of all kinds of trash. Literally things just sitting around his house. Stained tee-shirts with holes in them. A couple of magazines addressed to his tenant. An unopened letter addressed to my grandmother has been dead for a decade. And many more unwanted things. Usually when he gives me old clothes I give them to a thrift store at least, but these were unfit for donation. My father lives in his own reality. That much is certain.
Horrid experience recently. My first with a NPD man. Met him on a good personals site. Talk for four months. Checked his background. Retired Royal Navy captain, navigator, member of NATO, and a marine pilot for the Port of London Authority. Everything checked out and yes, he did seem too good to be true. Everything was perfect. After the second month he started talking forever and marriage. After 4 months I flew from CA to England to meet him. Noticed the first day he was not like he was over the net. But attributed it to his being very English. Over the next three weeks had a wonderful time together but every day I noticed things - his lack of empathy towards others (highly critical of everyone around him but me - me he was spoiling), he gave me a string of pearls but they looked slightly used and in an older box which I thought was odd. I mentioned twice that he did not seem like the same person I knew all that time before I came over which infuriated him. He brought me tea and breakfast in bed every day. Took me out on his yacht for a week which was wonderful, right before I left he proposed and started talking about where we could get married. I left some important item behind as it sounded like I was coming right back to England in a few months. He seemed happy that I left them. I flew home and never heard a word from him again. And he would not respond to emails or calls. The pain from this was devastating. I lost my best friend, my fiancee and all the dreams of the plans we made for the next two years all in one moment. We are both 59 and highly educated and I have a lot of background in psychology but I still did not recognize what this was until it was over. Now I know better and will be SO careful. Please do not let anyone think you were to blame for emotional con-artists like this. They are cunning and manipulative and know just what to say. My father had died recently and he knew I was vulnerable and played into it all the way. I can now look back and see that there was a lack of real feeling and empathy there but I did not know what it meant. I guess I am lucky I got away when I did. :(
My sister abandoned me. She used me for nine years when her husband left her. The moment she got a new boyfriend, she abandoned me again. My heart is broken.
It's Me I was not allowed to say "no" and i think it's the same as not being allowed to ask "why", it's abusive, it takes away your freedom and it takes away any means of asking for logical reasoning.
So I know you meant well but that obama clip was a little weird for me. Maybe bc most of your clips are fictional and this It's a real person doing code switching which is prominent in the Black community.
Spot on! I've been on this train of understanding for a couple of years now & answering yes to the first two questions (the first one to the greatest extent) is the basis for a lot of what has subsequently happened. When I was a kid people had no idea this kind of treatment even constituted abuse.
I blocked his ass. he called me for a year crying n I never gave in. The guy cost me my job. He was a demon. I was at my worst with him. thank god thats behind me.
Good for you..
dbedazzling1 wow .. I need to meet some bad ass chicks lol ..
dbedazzling1 admirable
dbedazzling1 same thing happened 2 me. Lost job she was a demon on wheels. I was a womanizer..... It was a battle to the end.... She is still dying from the lost of supply well I have the inventory I need. She did give me a run for my $$$$ tho.
Their most dangerous weapons are the whining and crying and making themselves look pitiful bit. They range from only pulling it out at their most desperate, to collapsing to pieces whenever they are challenged even a little by their supply. It's so hard for empaths to resist this, I find you know you've really become stronger than the narc when they pull the pity party maneuver...and you feel NOTHING. Except maybe disgust at their attempts to manipulate your emotions, because after a while (though usually too long, it took me ten years to figure this out with the one in my life) you start to realize that's all it is. There are no sincere emotions in these meltdowns, it's just another method they use to try and overpower you psychologically and gain mastery over your life.
Some narcissists are EXTREMELY covert and manipulative. In my case, my narcissist was a professional at FAKING EMPATHY - he was able to apologize and pretend to show remorse for his abuse/lying/cheating, and continued to love bomb me (making me feel special, adored, spoiled) and assumed the role of a codependent for a short while, only to show his true colours if I ever confronted him with his lies or criticized him. For a short while, he was very affectionate, caring, giving, showering me with love and gifts. It was only when I caught him in another lie did his mask fall and the true narcissistic personality came out again. I've gone no contact - I truly think this is the ONLY WAY to heal, because the narcissist will always come crawling back for more supply.
but now you you know for the future, my father is the same exact way, I could say "thanks for the groceries dad" and he would respond something along the lines of " yeah without me you would live off nothing but ramen noodles, when i was your age i had two jobs and i wasn't relying on my parents and i had twenty friends who would all go out every week and so on and so on trying to make me feel bad, that was half a decade ago when i moved in right after my mom died when i was 19 and my mind entered his life already shattered from the ordeal. No empathy even commented about how he would bend my mom over in public and disgusting shit like that. But then he would give me a good amount of weed to keep the fire burning. From the experience i've learned so much about NPD and human tendencies in general, I would say that it only benefited me for the better although it took some time for me to snap out of my funk and realize that im not a failure/ low life entity destined for mediocrity. You're right they always come crawling back like a real life demon, calling you names and flip flopping a few seconds later to apologies and compliments. But you learn and you grow realize that these people are sick and there's nothing you can do except stand up for yourself.
Great comment Julia.
julia t I also dealt with an intelligently advanced narcissist. A master at their trade. Can we call them Terminators or T-1000s and add a Terminator 2 clip?
Julia you have a very comprehensive understanding of narcissists and their abuse cycle in relationships. I'm sorry you had to live through that nightmare, I am recovering from one as well.
I have a hypothesis. My observation is that narcissists seek out very attractive mates for status and supply. Narcissistic women seek out highly accomplished men and if they're handsome to boot, even more so. Narcissistic men seek out very beautiful women and if they're young to boot, even more so.
Your profile pic (I assume it's you) is one more example on top of many that I have observed that support this hypothesis. I completely submit there are exceptions, but my observation is overwhelmingly weighted to the norm.
Attractive people are overwhelmingly targeted by Narcissists and not for the flattering reasons one might assume. They are targeted because their attractiveness is a form of social status that inflates the Narcissist's ego. No different than acquiring a BMW simply because of its status symbolism.
Has anyone else noticed this?
I have always been attracted in people with symptoms of NPD. It's scary actually
Self-validation. If you have no skills at this, then you are particularly prone to Narcissists. Other people don't stay in relationships with people who don't treat them in a way that makes them happy and uplifted. You have to believe that you deserve good things in order to have the courage to abandon bad things. You need to learn to self-validate which is actually a lot to do with environment. Therefore it is a process- continually learning to appreciate your value and working at constantly surrounding yourself with uplifting people.
punkybrewstar83 self validation is also how you expose them. They can't stand it when you speak positively of yourself. Say something positive about yourself and see how they react. They ignore it or give a one word or uninterested response, try to wrap up hate as concern, such as that's great but can you really afford that, or straight up put you down and say you aren't or will never be what you're self validating, it's more than likely a narcissist.
punkybrewstar83 so true... I suffered with this in the past several times and now I see it had to do with my upbringing and programming I wasn't allowed to demand the minimum for me as a child or speak my truth/standing up for what I believed in and was punished if I did. So I grew with mechanisms to help me cope living with them. I still deal with family that is super toxic but I start to see all that is wrong.... This helps a lot
really good one ! Surrounding your self with uplifting people ? Euphoria ? Sensational Drugs Users and Alcohol and Drama and Empathy for each other... like no matter what kind of sense, you can tread me like SHIT and we still be best friends... some kind of people connect with some kind of people because they feel confident and understand their Evil little Cunt History of Dirty Secrets, once they try it with some people that don't understand, they go hide in the shadows *Narcissists* they are scared people and hide their feelings although it seems they show lots of feelings ( Are they real ? ) to them they are but in reality they just have some sort of addiction to do bad things, some care a little and some don't even care at all... look out for the wrong UPLIFTING kind of people that are going from feeling way down or lets party way up ! i don't hate them ! My heart just as any other human being out there is NOT A PLAY GROUND ! Just be honest from the start and you will be amazed what possibility's your own Future has with someone you really do love... A Lier will always be treated as a Lier ! so to the environment your in should be with people that don't talk to what you want to hear but people that say : HEY DON'T BE A DUMB ASS YOU NEED TO GO THAT WAY ! after 3 years in a relationship it finally got to me just break every contact ! let it go believe YOU DON'T NEED ANY MOTHER FUCKING EXCUSES FROM A PERSON WHO IS IN THEIR 30 YEARS OF AGE FUCK YOU FUCK YOUR FRIENDS ..|.. ( @@ ) ..|.. i lift up MY FINGERS JUST FOR YOU ! this is what you want / this is what you get ! i will brake their freaking abusive hallucination celebration DON'T FUCK WITH ME ! PIECES OF SHITS go Drawn in your own pithiness and Endless Drama hole...
i am totally ok now, i do not feel like i have been abused ( REALLY ) i am recovering right now as we speak, So just say FUCK YOU MORE OFTEN BECAUSE IT FEELS REALLY FUCKING GOOD :)
I have no idea how to self validate 😕
@@KhaoticKim [
I am the sixty year old daughter of an eighty-five year old mother. She could not control my father through her behavior, so she used it on her six children and it continues to this day. Three months ago, I had to walk away from all of it and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
Just wanted to say I'm proud of you, that's such a hard thing to do..
+Nancy Campbell Gibson Cawwwww Nancy am in the same boat as you and yes my mother couldn't use it against my father so she turned on to the siblings HER SIX CHILDREN too
+Pistonhammer I know you meant SIX children. lol (I hope!)
Yes , sorry i meant to write SIX not SEX lol apologies
Dear Nancy,
It's very hard to do -as a loyal child- to run away out of the stifling narcistic spiderweb, very very difficult. However some do.. I brook with my evil narcistic mother when i was 38, because a vital string in me brooke and I new it would never ever heal again. After that I've never seen her anymore even not when she died.
Here's another little gift for everyone suffering from a narcissists constant verbal abuse...Realize that narcissists don't choose losers or victims, even though time and time again they'll try and make you believe you are. Here's the part the narcissists doesn't want you to know... The smarter you are, the more beautiful you are, the more money you have the bigger challenge you are to them. The mere fact that you've caught there attention speaks volumes of your above average abilities. It won't change there behavior but it does make you feel better when they start there crap and you can look at them and realize how things really are. So take your above average abilities and put that little dweeb in his place
Little dweeb lol
You certanly have something to offer to the narcissist, but they do not like challange.
They need a person, who they can control. Challenge is not what they looking for, but something they are willing to sacrafice for your other benefits.
Remember, they only do care about their supply, and everything, that goes against their world view will cause a narcissistic injury, so they are definitely trying to avoid them and the challenges with them.
I was beginning to suspect the crappy gift thing recently, good to have it confirmed.
oh and my mom is actually EXTRA nice to cashiers, strangers etc in stark contrast to her mean treatment of me, I always hated seeing someone she doesnt even know getting treated better than her flesh and blood.
NARCS ARE HELL
My mom and my ex. Fucking torture to bear, so nice to the spectators. Watching the video, thought I'm losing it for a moment. But the nice facade is everything.
Narcissist women display their narc traits more often against their children than in romantic relationships.
Because it's about power and leverage. A man is physically stronger than a woman and less emotionally attached romantically speaking, he as leverage.
But a woman is physically stronger than a child and she has total power over her child so she shows all her narc abuse, daughters are usually the main target.
Oh my God I know EXACTLY what you mean
You hit the nail right on the head. I am married to a narcissist and it's hell. The part wear the guy is taking off his mask and he say's "I'm simply not there" is the saddest truth of all. It's like saying " The lights are on but no body's home" They are so vacant inside, so empty. It's like they are not even human. Thank You for your videos.
maybe they are demons in human bodies taking over the soul to destroy good peoples souls...
They'll give you a nice gift if they want something, if they want you to be happy with them, if they want to look good, or for the purpose of control or manipulation (cognitive dissonance).
Yes, I experienced that first hand.
In the beginning he gave me jewelry from Tiffany's
In the devalue he gave me a tea pot and I dont drink tea..I said I think you got that for the side chick. He took it back begrudgingly and didn't replace it with anything else.
I used to play in a band with my ex. He gave me a shark guitar for my birthday, so that he could play it himself. When I broke up with him a year later, he took it from me.
Agreed
Linda P. Yes, mine bought me a car then sold it while I was visiting my mother. He didn’t tell me he’d done it and kept the money. Any gift was merely a grandiose effect designed to keep me locked in and ‘grateful’. I actually find it kind of funny now.
You say to look out for a lack of respect for boundaries, and give the example of how they treat waitstaff and people they "don't have to be nice to." I would like to add that a lack of respect for the boundaries of others can be disguised as a friendly overture. I've had several occasions to witness my mother's sister bulldoze over boundaries of complete strangers under a charade of friendliness and caring. She ignores any sign of distress, disinterest, and discomfort they exhibit at her invasion into their personal space or with her invasive questions. She turns any preference they express such as "No thank you, I would like to pump my own gas" into a power struggle, an open invitation to snatch the the gas nozzle out of their hands etc. It still amazes me to see how many people do not know how to deal with her actions, because she's "so friendly and nice" about it.
Very nice. Thank you. I recently came across a masseuse, who reminded me of my previous narcissistic abuser. While watching and listening to him, I had a feeling like, "I've been here before." As he talked, it became clear to me that his sweet talk, his talking about how he could help me and his lack of boundaries meant that he was someone I wanted nothing to do with, and yet I was somewhat drawn to him. After the massage, I felt stunned and made another appointment to see him in two weeks. As the day went by after my massage, I realized that I do not want to ever see this man again and I texted him and cancelled the appointment. I could not say anything to him directly at the time, but I did end it. I am so grateful for my new-found instincts about people. Thank you for your straight forward explanations about codependency and narcissism.
I did it twice.Never again. Pain is the best teacher unfortunately and I can spot them ten miles away now.
Jayne Hathaway I feel empowered knowing.. however I found my Narc in me and cried for a week like a baby . Smothered my son with a lot of attention when he was lil . He's bonded to me but needs praise from people and almost demands it from a boss at work places . 🤢
Jayne Hathaway I can spot the males immediately, females 2 minutes. They give themselves away in their appearance and their speech. They demand your attention immediately in one way or another. Once they have your attention alarm bells and narcissism checklists should start firing off in your head. Within 5 minutes you should be able to spot the NARC in the room. Thats what I do.
It's like severly burning your hand on a stove: never again!
Another excellent and well-presented video. Thanks, Richard. I went no contact with my 96 year old abusive father a few weeks ago. I am 66. These few weeks have been better than any time I spent with my father. Keep up the good work and I send you love and support.!
Maybe, but think of it another way: how much of your youth was wasted and tainted by bad treatment by the narc parent? A lot of it, almost ALL of it I'd venture to guess. Parents who treat their children like crap don't deserve to be taken care of by those children when they get old. After all, you have only one life to live for all we know. If you ask me, Aztlan Mike should have left his abusive father behind LONG before he hit 66 and became old himself. The remaining times he has without him mucking up his life may be sweet, but there may not be much of it. The elderly abuser deserves no pity, after all we must remember they have none in their heart for anyone else. You mistreat your child, you void the warranty on using them as your retirement plan. Sooner or later the mistreated child has to start living for THEMSELVES, not just to serve their parent. And it should be well before that parent kicks off from old age, because in today's world, you could well be old yourself by the time that happens.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Amen.
@@suzanahas4740 Those are the attributes of what real love looks like. This is not exactly humanly possible to love this perfectly, but it's what to aim for and how to feel secure with someone's love toward us.
It's how God loves.
As far as trying to love a narcissist into any healing, well,even that wonderful, true love, will not deliver him , or her from the narcissism that has gripped the entire being.
If true love could heal a narcissist, many people, especially empaths would be so elated.
That's all I wanted to say, and God bless you.
@@suzanahas4740 it's not B's looking at narcissist and this it's darkness vs lite
Gifts from my Narc ex: 2 sticky-note pads stolen from work (he was particularly proud of these), a plastic car on a keychain (given with the insult that a childhood picture he saw of me looked like the distorted-faced cartoon kid on the packaging), a nightlight, an old toaster oven from his garage. He actually started unloading his garage into my house under the guise of furnishing my apartment. After I dumped him he hoovered me a week later asking to meet, so I chose a public place and brought his garage back to him. He reluctantly took most of the items back when I insisted I couldn't keep them.
😄😄
Thank you for your time. I just recently terminated a so called friendship with someone who pulled me in...sweet loving kind...then resorts to looking for flaws and character assassination . Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING I do is wrong...I am sure even the way I breathe is incorrect. Ppl like myself get sick and damn tired of dealing with mentally deranged individuals. I am a loner by nature, and I am here to tell you, it's much more peaceful.
Same situation. Glad that's over. I'm still mad I got tricked over their antics for a month. Never again.
Been there!
Yes. Same here. I cherish every moment alone with my cat.
@@goodmorningsundaymorning4533 pets are more loyal than most ppl.
@@tranquility9325 yes, without a doubt. All they want is to be loved as well as us and they give back genuine unconditional love and loyalty. They are angels with fur 🐈💕🐾🐕💕🐾
My ex is a textbook narcissist. Talk about crappy gifts, the only thing she got me in 7 months was an car air-freshener!
She would gaslight me all the time and when i confronted her about it, and showed her the texts which proved her gas-lighting, she would say 'it was a joke', 'sometimes I type random things' etc. She displayed a huge lack of empathy to exes and guys she had dated or actively led on, saying that 'if they have feelings for me, then that's their problem'. She would test me all the time, storming off expecting me to chase after her, or constantly telling me about guys that were hitting on her to make me jealous. She never admitted she was wrong and would insist that 'she didn't need to change'. She had a history of cheating on her exes and was constantly negative, hardly ever raising a smile. When I tried to leave, given her lack of apparent interest and negativity, she would beg me to stay and said she would stop taking me for granted. Like a fool I took her back, mainly because she is really beautiful and I was taken in by her faux sincerity. I wanted to believe it.
Eventually, after a nice date where she said she felt so comfortable with me and that it was the best date she had ever had, she left and blocked me from all communication. I wish I had known the red flags before, as it would have spared me from a lot of pain.
The Red Flags:
1) Their exes left them (they probably realised something was up).
2) Gas-lighting - they make you question your reality.
3) Negativity
4) They seek validation on their appearance e.g. revealing pics on social media.
5) Lack of empathy or cold demeanour.
6) Emotionally volatile i.e. they flip out over small things and create arguments.
7) They don't truly invest in the relationship (their actions don't match their words).
8) They lie or are dishonest e.g. cheating.
9) They aren't interested in you and may just ignore or talk over you.
10) They play games - silent treatment, storming off, or test you with questions designed to entrap you.
These people are out there. Be warned! I didn't want to believe it, but they are, and if you don't recognise it, you will get hurt. Trust your instincts, don't get distracted by their being pretty - they are Sirens!.
Sounds like you went through hell. Yes, they are very smart demons lurking in innocent looking humans. It's a learning experience.
its to bad we have to learn the hard way, but once we are educated, they are fucked.
Nick W THIS IS SO TRUE! You are spot on! Omg...this is uncanny!
Hello Nick. This is what happened to me as well. All the red flags were there i just could see them or i could see only few. Thus making into believing that it is pretty normal behaviour for a woman. Sadly these demonic creatures exist. In the end i managed to see the bs sick game she was playing and i blocked her.
They are everywhere...
the true narcissist is much more subtle than you protray here. They do sometimes admit they were wrong and let you in on their secrets in the begining it is this that leads you to belive that you are special to them and can trust them. Their version of the truth of course normally doesnt come into conflict with yours until you have already commiteed to them totally. The are very generous and open sometimes its confusing. Empathy is the real key but that takes time. Anybody can fall victim to a narcississt not only those who witnessed childhood abuse. We must stop blaming the victim for making a bad choice. Its pretty nigh impossible to spot most of them. You can remove yourself completely from the dating game for a season, but thats no gaurantee because if you do fall prey to one again youll likely only discover it once you are completely in love with them.
+donna jackson I think there were definitely signs that, if seen again, I would be able to notice in a future relationship. Now that I even know Narcissism exists and is common.
+donna jackson There are definite signs of an abuse or Narc relationship early on. They never admit they are wrong, they would want to do what they wont to do all the time, they wont allow mess around them, they wont to go to quickly, and go into a committed relationship, they try to make you feel bad when they don't get what they want, charm the pants off you, then slag you off in the next sentence. VERY DISRESPECTFUL WHEN TALKING TO FRIENDS ABOUT YOU. Don't love, respect or accept you. Now if you don't know how to spot that, then take time out of dating and learn to love, respect and accept yourself and that gives you one major tool how to spot them. If they make a big scene about you not coping without them, show them the door. If they don't treat you with up most respect, love and acceptance then show them the door.
You are correct - their admitted "oh I've made so many mistakes - that is causing my suffering" -
Yet they will never admit to a live/now/reality mistake- or at least I haven't witnessed one - not directly - in the now (between them and you) -
Great point!
donna jackson narcissists are not always subtle. my mom was the first narcissist I had to deal with also she had many personalities or multiple personality disorder. she was never treated for any of these highly extreme problems & no one else noticed. no one in my family detected them besides myself. my parents were abusive & subsequently all or most of my other relationships in life have been terribly abusive. I didn't enjoy my life yet or have any good enjoyable or fun relationships yet because of these problems in my childhood. they are very extreme very disturbing problems to have & most people I met in life do try to unduly control me & manipulate me so I don't enjoy that.
donna jackson. exactly.
I loved hearing the thing about the rubbish gifts; I was given a used hair band and was expected to show undying love and gratitude.
Thank you!
Men's clothes he had bought that he didn't like!!!
I wanted to comment that they like to give you second hand things... Bizar I keep finding accurate details confirming what I experienced while interacting or spending time with these types. Amazing. Really enlightens my frustrations.
Wow that's gross
angelica mimosa my narc mom gave me here old slippers for Christmas
I got blue lipstick for my birthday, which is totally not my style. And a book about chemistry 🤨
Love you, Richard. May everyone here be healed and heal others.
My favorite was “I never lied to you, I just didn’t tell you the full truth” lol these videos are so helpful, thank you.
Amber M. Also- “you don’t need to know everything about my life. Whom I meet, talk to etc.” ughhh
I DIDN'T LIE, JUST A LITTLE BIT.
I LIED BUT I'M NOT LYING NOW.
My ex kept him having a freaking newborn from me. When he finally told me after 8 months of us "together" and all he said was I didn't lie just hadn't told you yet.. has almost full custody of one kid but keeps another kid a secret.. ok..
I have red flags too. They go too fast into romance. Like waaaaay too fast. They want to say over and over again how good they are as though they are trying to convince me. I feel like they are in love with an idealized version of me that is in their heads. Not in love with me. I mean how can they be in love with me if they just met me? They can't. So who is it they are thinking about? I am suspicious of overly emotional men. Guys that are "sensitive". Guys that talk a lot about their ex as though they aren't over them. I am especially on alert when I hear phrases such as "I was just...." and "if you would have just done this then I wouldn't have done that". Apologies over a text. When you say no they act offended and do some crazy thing like make a scene at Denny's. All of these things alarm me when I start seeing them at the very beginning. I refuse to go any further. I never talk to them again. Ever. Instant silence.
My way of combating the chances of falling into the trap of someone more controlled until they know you is to have a probationary period of 3 months. Most of the time the mask comes off before then. But there is something about the 3 month mark. That time is usually when things go so stupid that you get a call from his pregnant wife or something. So if you keep your heart safe and your eyes and brain working then you can usually see it coming.
Listen I know everyone fantasizes about a romantic partner, but let's be honest. This is not tv. You need to get reality back into focus. Don't be hypnotized because someone called you pretty. Don't fall for it. Even if you are pretty what does that matter when the real you is inside?
You are exactly on the right track. I've learned it all the hard way.
That’s not narcissism. That’s textbook borderline personality disorder. People with BPD get attached way too fast because of severe abandonment when they were younger. They confuse love with attachment, they don’t know the difference. They are actually convinced that they do really love you, that you are the one. It’s a defense mechanism in their brain so they can pull you close and never let go (because their brain doesn’t want to go through abandonment ever again). Narcissists know they don’t love you that quickly, but they will manipulate you into loving them because they feed on that attention and affection.
I think you are right about the red flags, but those don't have to Come from narcissists, could also be borderline or codependants that act that way. But unhealthy none the less
WOW...THANK YOU for these videos! I grew up with an alcoholic narcissist mother, and 3 sisters (via trained by mother). I seemed to be the "black sheep" rebelling from my mother and not wanting to comply to her lies and calling her out on her daily manipulations from the age of 4. I am 47 years old now and for the last few years I have been in the process of really getting it and healing. I want to help people with this as soon as I get a full grip on it. It has caused me much suffering , isolation, and fear of everything. Even though people call me beautiful and i've done a fair share of acting and modeling, inside there was always this shame and embarrassment of people seeing the truth. I finally had to separate from them and totally cut them out of my life but they still manage to try and dig on me from a far. Your videos are a step closer for me to get to a place of peace. Thank you again, you're awesome!
This guy is my new hero
Richard, you have helped me more than you will ever know. Keep doing what you do!
I don't confess this lightly:
I've been healing for a couple of years now, and your videos have made finishing that process clear and possible.
Words seem so inadequate, but my most warmest, heart-felt thanks goes out to you. There is no more confusion, escapism or pretense. I've become REAL, with boundaries and goals now, -unapologetically. It feels almost foreign, but also like a homecoming from Neverland at the tender age of 56! -Better late than never, eh?😄
Cheers from NY!💙
Narcissism is on a continuum like most disorders. If you believe the person you are with is a narcissist, they don't have to necessarily meet each and everyone of these criteria to the extent that is being explained. Sometimes they say they are sorry for whatever they've done but it is probably just to keep you tied into them and probably no real sincerity behind it. They can be what they need to be when it suits them.
molly c Exactly and it is just words. I think if the apology comes with an action actually making it right ie amends then it could be sincere. Of course, if ur with someone who is constantly disappointing you that alone is abusive/not smn u should b with
I wish I could give you 10,000 👍🏻
I was married to one, and she would say, “I’m sorry” with absolutely no hint of remorse. Then she would continue on her merry way and NEVER change her behavior.
If they tell you they are sorry, but then refuse to change their behavior, they aren’t really sorry. Sorry is as sorry does.
It took me a long time to finally catch on and stand up for myself. An embarrassingly long time. I was so in love that I was blind to the reality of the situation.
For anyone who thinks they may be in a similar situation, look for genuine remorse in an apology. If it isn’t there (and in the case of a narcissist, who can NEVER be wrong, it won’t be), and they don’t change their behavior, face up to the reality of the situation you are in.
Yes!!! Love is a VERB. It requires accountability, solution to the conflict and change. And narcs can’t take accountability for ANYTHING, so therefore nothing gets solved and nothing gets changed. So a few weeks/months/ days later you find yourself dealing with the SAME conflict. Smh these devils are exhausting
Just left a 17 year relationship. You have just described his personality in every way! Now I need to recover. Thanks for the insight
They cannot feel, they can only mimic emotions briefly.
It can be very scary if you see it is severe enough, just move one
you are not going to change them, but they will harm you.
So be strong...set boundaries....honor yourself...enough to say no thanks
Yes. But the crappy gifts are given with the statement "I bought you this because I know you love ..... dolphins, horses, rainbows... ".whatever THEY think. Yes. THEY move things along at their pace but always "protect their interests" meanwhile living off you. Narcissists also keep very close tabs on you - pry into everything, meanwhile very secretive .
This N breezed through Xmas day (uninvited) and threw a crumpled cheap miniskirt at me (I'd never wear something like that because I was 55) apparently it was a skirt that was left at his place from another girl. Huge insult. They are very stingy. The other thing you might have experienced is they like to mess your stuff up "accidentally" won't apology or replace anything. Of course they know this will make you feel crazy.
How the f!#$@ do i get away from one whos been living off of me and have a child with?!?
Yes and they can be real tightwads meanwhile wanting you to give them everything, and then some.
Sandy M
I got a recess peanut butter cup at 10:00 pm for our 3rd anniversary
@@777hathor they disrespect you on a whole new level. They under deliver to devalue, with hold money ,affection, love etc.
You are telling the TRUTH!!!!!!!! WOW! I am not crazy!!!
I thought I was crazy, also I felt such guilt if the so called friends made me angry. I felt I had no rights to be angry at abusers. My parents were great, but one aunt was horrible and I had spent too much time with her, because she had convinced me to look up at her. Some friends and I were abused for years, by just getting scrapsof friendship from narcissists not knowing we deserved better.
***** its o.k. ... try to remember the bad dosnt take from the good that has happened... you can be both a victim and have had a good life... you probably have a better life than your abusers.
when your family member is one. never heard a real apology, dismissive to my emotions, never wrong, reframes what i said when i'm trying to get a straight answer, and inappropriate boundary crossing in both private and public scenarios
Yea, I grew up with one of those. It will damage you for life, theres no getting around it. PTSD. If you are strong enough to survive it however, you become quite immune to the bastards. You can sense them a mile away, hang out in a room full of them, deal with them, and walk away with a smile knowing you saw through them, ignored their BS, irritated the hell out of them, and survived to fight another day with that gorgeous smile on your face. Confidence is a wonderful thing. Keep it with you at all times. You have the upper hand with knowledge.
Bad Kitty thank u
You put it perfectly
Oh yeah I know what you mean. I've been emotionally abused by my father and sister and just recently discovered that I was right about my feelings all along. They almost destroyed me but I'm glad I got the information I needed to move forward with my life and make changes for my self preservation.
You said something about Narcissists giving gifts. I don't know if this is a common thing but it's so consistent with my Mom that I expect it now. She'll promise a thing that she has yet to do or get, I'll say "yes, I would like that". Months later, after she's had enough time to do it and then some, I will call her and say "whatever happened to that thing you were going to do"? She then gets mad because I asked about it, and says that's the reason she's not going to do it now.
+Solomon Raabe I used to get that ALL the time from Narc boyfriends. It must have been esp difficult from your mom. Sorry to hear that. One day my bf and I were out on the boat and next to us was a boat named "Broken Promises" I started laughing. Weird thing was that he got it too. Sad thing was that he wasn't embarrassed that I knew that ow his rap was out in the open - that he was full of BS. But I was happy that at least I got confirmation from the Universe that it wasn't me going insane but that I was with insane. All the best. Thanks for letting me share - it's been a very strange journey.
Story of my life from my mother. 💙
+Solomon Raabe Both my parents are narcs :-( I only realised this after years of counsellors and cbt for my depression, anxiety and desire to kill myself than continue living and taking up space on the planet I so convinced I worthless and stupid and selfish, not contributing to the planet just a drain on resources......... I had first appt with Relate counsellor recently instead of UK NHS and she explained that my Dad deffo and probably my Mum also, she told me to come onto Spartan site on here. I have learnt in 1 hour listening to him and other clips on youtube than I have for 30 years of nhs pills and cbt sticking plasters. After also 19 years living with a closet narc (who moved me in the same week we met he so in love with me, but it went wrong, he didn't want kids etc he convinced our family doctor I was depressed cos I was lesbian as frigid in his mind (GP sent me for sex counselling???, I selfish, lazy greedy because I wanted him to contribute more to the household money (when he was earning well more than me yet I was paying 50/50) he never could remember my birthday, gave rubbish present almost but never what I wanted so I was stuck with something I didn't want but he take offence if I bought what I did need or swapped his in towards (always) more expensive item I actually had told him I wanted, and wanted him to start doing some cleaning/paperwork etc ),. He finished itwith me when I had a nervous breakdown (bullied at work big style), married a philipino and had kids after telling me didn't want to - I went straight back into living with my parents as terrified of livin on my own. 6 months later my Dad stopped speaking, for 3 years now most I get is a hello if I say it first, unless he is shoutingat me with disgust in his voice when I 'done something wrong in his house' and he now is selling the house to 'downsize' me out of his domain because I stood up to him and shouted back after he had chosen to give away my belongings from the split up and yet claimed I had told him I wanted rid of the mountain and road bikes etc? Hang in there Solomon you are not alone in having nightmare narc parent/s. my life has always been promises of jam tomorrow and tomorrow never comes. I now at state of either kill myself or leave and have nothing to do with them anymore. I am looking at houses I can afford - without the money they promised me last Nov ''if you go now you can have some money towards buying'' it now 4 months later I struggling to find somewhere and the money is not there. you are not alone and will survive now matter what, we survivors got to stick together xoxoxox
Sounds like a means of control. Something you might have actually gotten for yourself if they hadn't promised to get it for you, and so you sit it out.....don't really want to bring it up, but eventually you might because you just want or need to know if "the plan" is still on, then of course you're accused of being either selfish or greedy....You just walked into their TRAP!
the covert narcissist I was with used to send me flowers a lot and after a year of no contact - none whatsoever - he actually came over from the USA and knocked on my door and the flowers came on and off over that year, it was incredibly unsettling
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, why are you being such an ass?"
OMG! I literally listened and felt EVERY WORD that you spoke for 16 minutes - with my mouth wide open in shock! Even your ending with the the words of "guilt and shame" that have haunted me 24/7 for many years of trying to self-improve, grow, and learn 'WHY' the continuous bullying, harassment, robbery, lies and heart-breaks over SERIOUS or the most petty things or PEOPLE...your words have summed it ALL up in a nutshell. I do not know whether to laugh or cry at his point, I feel truly in shock, but as you likely might suspect - I also feel very much like crying :( Please believe me when I tell you that I am highly educated, worldly traveled, live with high ethical standards and empathy, and by no means am unpleasant physically to look at (they say), one of the most compassionate people you might meet in your life. [ I'm trying to honestly describe these characteristics in my most humble way possible ]. But, it is as if I can translate and visualize your words/meanings into something akin to wearing a neon sign on my forehead that reads "beat me up, emotionally abuse me, destroy my careers, break my devoted heart over someone so that I must grieve in shame for over 2 decades, and I'll even give you my money to help you, and similar behaviours, etc." Eeeks, YOU SIR....are one very wise gentleman! Due to my intellectual cognitive abilities...I have somehow known of what you describe for some time, but as I am sure that you also know: Our rational, formally trained lessons (i.e) higher education, others' advice, and/or endless self-help researching can not easily compete with our intense internalized emotions. I shall never blame others for my shortcomings, in that I am aware of knowing that I was and will forever be naive and at fault for permitting so many heart-wrenching events to occur to me during this lifetime, but you have made my seemingly eternal daily quest to discover "WHY" much easier:) I am still 20ish in my head and heart (hahaha), but I did not wish 'To Pass' (as they say) without really understanding "The WHY OF IT ALL". For this I gratefully thank you...and kindly ask you to continue to teach others regarding our often painful, but common sense realities about ourselves. Now I am smiling because (1) you hopefully managed to read this lengthy confession (oops - writing), and (2) because you likely know that not only have you helped me, but assisted me to apply this lesson to help (oops - guide) others with their own challenges :) A sincere thank you, and keep up the good work!
Ursula Vavrik If you haven't come across her already, Google Melanie Tonia Evans and sign up for her updates on her website. She knows narcissism inside out and her newsletters are brilliant for setting the healing process in train.
***** What proof do you have to support that statement?
Read Psalm 91
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord , He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday. A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee. Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked. Because thou hast made the Lord , which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation; There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling. For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone. Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet. Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name. He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him. With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.
Psalms 91:1-16 KJV
Ursula Vavrik Hi! It was 4 yrs ago you posted this. I’ve listened to it from time to time to remind myself. But this time I even red the comments and came across your post. You are me!! Every word I could have written. A very strange but yet confirming feeling. Or maybe you were me? I’m just curious to know how your healing went (or is on going). I wish you the very best!!
🙏🏽✌🏽❤️
Damn! You hit every nail with this video.
My ex husband was narc, he was so eager and rushed the marriage to be done within a month, had no boundaries he would go through rummaging through all my stuffs and my pockets without my knowledge and take and use my bank card without my permission, and yes he also gave me crap gift while I gave him an expensive Armani watch as a wedding gift and all I got in return was a stone with our name written on it. He lacked empathy he assaulted me while I was pregnant and had a miscarriage because of him and his response was ‘it sounds like you’ve been through this miscarriage business before’, I was absolutely shocked by his lack of empathy and response
Thank you very much for this series. You have helped me a lot. I have had friendships with narcissistic women, and what you said about GIFTS really resonated with me. In the first case, Friend 1 would hold big birthday parties for herself (agonizing about the arrangements for months) and expect to be given presents by her friends (who she only ever saw on her birthday), but whatever gift you gave her she was disappointed with it. She would also make a big deal about your upcoming birthday, but then on the day give you nothing, saying she hadn't found the "perfect thing" yet.Then several months later she would present you with something inappropriate, or take you out shopping for your "gift", when you were really over getting a present, and not into shopping anyway. Once she brought a Christmas present to my work in April, barging in to my work space and presenting me with a bag of chocolate covered coffee beans, when I don't like chocolate and I don't drink coffee, and I had also told her I'd been having problems with insomnia. WTF? Friend 2 is also a big party holder, where she likes to run stalls and sell things as well (that's fine, Amy Sedaris even advises it in her hospitality book), but she would also demand guests wear costumes and give out prizes of things she found around the house and wanted to get rid of anyway. All this would have been great fun if she hadn't displayed her narcissism in other manipulative ways, and she ALSO always wanted to "take (me) shopping to get (me) something nice because you DESERVE IT." I'm a frugal person and shopping for the sake of it does nothing for me, and NOW, because of these two narcissistic women I have gone off being given gifts completely. I cancelled my last 3 birthdays and find I Christmas very traumatic. I don't want gifts from anyone, because these women used gifts to manipulate my emotions. Interestingly, when I REFUSED gifts from them they were "deeply hurt" and defended their rights to "make the people they love happy." The phenomenon of Narcissism and Gift Exchange is fascinating - maybe it links into a Narcissistic inability to truly share? Well you're the therapist, I hope you have fun with my theory. I give it as my GIFT TO YOU, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND YOU DESERVE IT whoops no sorry, hope I didn't trigger you there :-) Blessings to you from New Zealand. Have a great day.
I didn't hit you! I was just swinging my arms around and YOU got in the way!
Ohhh yeah - i am so guilty of the 15 traits of people pleasing. I am a magnet for narcissists. But - i am so educating myself, and after 50 yrs of crap i am freeing myself.
Thank you for posting these. I thought I had been going crazy my entire life until very recently. My "reality" came crumbling apart nearly three and a half months ago. I'm now setting those needed boundaries but I'm still experiencing extreme guilt. Why? After years of emotional manipulation and abuse, I still care about how they freaking feel. It's really bothering me that I care that much and I feel stuck.
This is the first video I watch coming from a guy and it cleared everything that I was still confused about!
Ex used to buy me a teddy bear with chocolates every year for valentine's, the teddy bear was deformed because it was so cheap. The first time I said thank you. The following years I said I didnt like stuffed animals and he said i was an ungrateful person. So he kept giving me the same size stuffed animal still in the plastic bag of the grocery store with the receipt that showed a couple dollars . I was upset because he always gifted expensive things to family and friends and he would pay to get them wrap. But I dont like expensive gifts so It didnt matter that much until...
Another valentine day passed and he gave me two rabbits kissing holding a box of chocolates. I was happy because I thought this is the way he expresses his love through giving. But right after he said that he loved me and rabbits represented the love and closeness , he started another little daily fight.
I was upset because I was still holding the deformed tiny kissing rabbits and i was also getting yelled at by the same person who said the rabbits represented the love he had for me. I stated to realized that it was literal what he was saying , "a deformed insignificant love" . So I pulled the rabbits apart and dumped the male rabbit and told him to stop loving me and to stop giving me crap because it was painful.
That was the last of the stuffed animals and the beginning of new strategies but I thought that he honestly loved me after that because he picked up the rabbit and put it with the other one and said he was sorry.
Anyway 11 years later and I was still remembering that scene and feeling like I acted crazy because the crappy gift giving shouldn't have mattered but for some reason it bothered me a lot. I spent many years trying to figure out whether I was ungrateful or mean or if he intentionally wanted to let me know that all I deserved was crap and that I kept proving that I will always accept it.
So Yes this types of relationships are confusing, anything and everything is a red flag that is missed.
Thank you for your videos!!!!
I am the daughter of a narcissistic father. We were bred for guilt since birth. It is always about not hurting the narcissistic parent at the expense of your feelings. That was my family edict.When I went no contact I felt so guilty. Programing. Watch the movie called “I, Psychopath “. You will not feel guilty when you figure out what is going on.
Great video! My faith in God helped me a lot. :) It's been a rough year, but He has held me in His hand the whole way. Blessings!
Now I haven't watched this video yet, but I have to say I agree with you.
I had two false friends which I can recognice a lot in what is told about the Narcissist traits, I broke out from their friendship/contact a few years ago as it became too toxic. Right now I am healing more from this, but it has been a few very hard years. I still can sometimes feel a bit sad every now and then, I treated them as my friends and thought they were my friends. It was a very heartbreaking time for me once I realized how they really were, I struggled so much in sadness and anger 'cause of how they treated me.
I am glad you have got a lot helped through this year. May you become stronger and walk on in His victory. :-)
SylviaPenguin
Thank you! You too! God bless you! :)
Richard, I would occasionally have sleepovers at friends' houses in childhood, and I was horrified that my friends did not obsequiously thank their mothers for any little thing and run after them to make cups of tea, etc. I was so worried that our 'rudeness' would result in poisonous rage.
Thank you. It still feels weird to not bow and scrape. We're designed for these people, and are a bright red magnet for them. It makes me so angry and sad.
I have found that the AA model of healing through helping others has done much for me through being a parent. When I notice myself patterning after my emotionally abusive mother, I can catch myself, change my behavior, reflect on my own childhood, and feel empowered by breaking the pattern and being a more loving Mommy😊
kitty8081 thank You 🙏🏽 that’s really beautiful and helpful.
that is the sign of a true human being. just because one has endured pain, this does not give them the inherent right to cause others the same painful experience. i am one such person. wrong is wrong, period.
OMG the crappy gifts that is so freakin amazing to hear!!
a strongly articulated & succinct breakdown of the distinctive behaviours. this is most helpful - thanks.
I have more lightbulbs snapping on since watching your videos. I've stopped dating, did find Mr Right but looking back at my dating hysteria, I dated more narcissists than I knew.
Wow! Thank you for doing what you do! I have no idea how I got here but 3 vids down so far and you've explained more than any therapist I've seen. I realized a yr ago my mother was a sick (I diagnosed to b sociopath) and can't help herself - officially done with her. The person you discussed to a "T" is my soon to be ex husband. I'm excited to be almost free (moving out the end of this month unfortunately I have to Bc he will not) of both of them. I feel peace and happiness around the corner and your vids explain why! Sincere thanks...New fan!
Wish I had found your videos three years ago. Of course I wouldn’t have paid attention because at that point I don’t think I had dealt with a partner with deep personality disorders to this extent. Learning so much now and am very grateful. Here’s to making better decisions going forward. ❤️🌷
"I didn't punch you, I stroked you with my knuckles"🤣
Seriously, though, great video. 👏👏
I didn't punch him. I just rubbed his face in the snow.
Damn... the crappy gifts thing. Just rang a huge bell for me. Wow.
Their 'turn of' gifts are their message to say I am mocking you. They mock you completely. All the time
This is gold. I used to be so freaking naive a few years back, I just felt like it was wrong to stand up for myself. I didn't know why. I found out why after finally dating a seriously neurotic NPD case, soon thereafter realizing that I'm attracted to women like that because I grew up with a narc mother. And it blew my mind so much that I went on a nonstop 3 day video marathon to educate myself and cleanse myself from this evil.
But the best cleansing you can do is to keep them out of your life, OR if you can't (like when they are the father/mother of your children) then just keep the meet-ups and contacts as brief and as rare as possible. That's key. It's absolutely imperative that you do that, if you ever want to be happy again. These people suck the literal happiness out of you. I don't know how, I don't know how it works on an energetic level, but they do. It's like they have their tentacles inside your soul and they're always squeezing, like a filthy tentacled maggot. So put yourself first today and don't allow yourself to take any abuse anymore.
It wasn't fun, but I'm glad I went through it, because finally everything makes sense and I can breathe again. Feelsgoodman.
So if you recently found out you were raised by a parent or parents with NPD or dated a romantic partner with the personality disorder, don't be down on yourself. Truly, this is a blessing in disguise. We all needed this wake up call very much.
I am glad I went through what I went through, because I can't imagine only finding this shit out at 50 or 60 with a whole life wasted. That would be terrible. And I found out about this only at 28, which is still kind of late, but again, don't fret. If you found out this truth at 16 or 60, just be happy you now know what the F is up, because these people are an absolute torture to live with or even be around. They are disturbed and now they creep me the F out. There is something seriously wrong in their brain or in their soul. Personally, I think it's a state of soul issue. They're just corrupt souls with no humanity, and little to no empathy. It's disgusting. And their hollow eyes when they're raging or out of narcissistic supply (when it's running low or on empty) creep me the F out too. I don't even feel comfortable sleeping in the same house knowing that these people or person are in the house with me. There is something truly disturbing and evil about them. They're so fragile, and yet so evil. It's a weird and creepy duality.
Wish all the best to you. Hope you all find your good piece of happiness and sanity and peace.
Hey, I am 64, and the daughter of a narcissistic father. I have figured it out! I still have 20 to 30 years left to be happy now with or without someone.
Man, you wrote a book 😂
Yes!!!! Bad gifts! I thought it was just me! Every single gift had an ulterior motive, was something he would like or would benefit from. Such a great insight. Thx
I cannot say thank you enough for this video!
"too deep too soon" ....I would like to add that a narcissist will be putting on a front in the beginning, which costs a lot of energy. They know they cannot keep it up for too long so the sooner they can lock you in the better. You agree?
Yes, definitely!
That’s more in line with borderline personality disorder, the “matching or copying my personality with theirs so they will fall in love with me” sort of thing
They find out what you really want very early and offer up as your future together.
Thank you so much for all your wisdom and for taking the time to teach us how to better love ourselves. Just hearing you say it's okay to trust your intuition and to give us valuable information that could change our world means so much to all of us. Kathryn
I noticed my narcissist would always pick a fight right before HE had something important to do (like flying to Alaska for work).. then he'd say "why would you make me so upset when you know I have this important thing to do"...
Every time.
Your videos are so informative. Just phenomenal. Thank you for your time in making them, very appreciated!
Thank you for this....explains childhood mental conditioning so beautifully
Thank you, thank you, thank you. So clear! In 5 years he NEVER took me out. What was i thinking! Feel ashamed that i found that okay. I asked for a evening walk. He NEVER gave it to me!
CRAPPY GIFT = DeValuation.
think of ti this way - YOU ARE FREE! LIKE I AM... mine always had somebody to complain about... all-ways... at her jobs, any and everywhere... love her dearly but she needs to figure out who she is... I'll wait, for a little bit... been waiting for a long time, but because I love her how she is, as long as she has respect for me... as long as she doesn't use me or abuse me, attack me... 12 years... life trashed, severe jealousy... possessive, think she thought she owned me... nope, let her live, she moved home in 2013 after cheating, I slept for 2 years after that, then got micky'd and almost died... then I set upon hunting their dope rings... me, high IQ, 159, but WAS dumb to people, not no more...
Mine was so proud of having found me a great iPod... on sale... having been refurbished. So I mean, I still have it somewhere and it's still full of music that I put there (including my playlist that has "Still Alive" from the game Portal and three versions of "I Will Survive," lol) and it still works fine, but at the time it was soul-crushing. I know that sounds dramatic but his total delight in having found me a second-hand version of the thing I wanted was just... obliterating.
Crappy gift = devalidation
I‘d like to add: lack of empathy. During the lovebombing phase, my narc really tried hard to impress me with good gifts, but she failed. I always behaved myself and never displayed ungratefulness, but she could tell the difference between real excitement and politeness.
Of course, she blamed me and told my other friends in a joking way that i was so complicated, my other friends looked confused
and said, „Not at all.“
So, it became a running gag that her gifts were always the least thoughtful of all, which annoyed her, because she wanted to be the best.
After years, i noticed that there was more that she did not get about me, way more important stuff than just a birthday present.
So, even if they try, they can‘t understand you, because they’re emotionally challenged.
How about a toothpick holder. Another time a spoon rest. Earrings that cost $9.99, on sale! Then when I inquired/cpmplained, I got its not the price, it's the thought that counts. You thought enough of me for a toothpick holder??? Maybe if I stayed with him I'd get toothpicks next year!
Mine got me a tooth-whitening kit.
Amazing video!!!!! Thank you!!! I have been in therapy for the narcissistic abuse for about 6 months since I broke free and I’ve leaned more from this video of yours!!! I’ve been in a 8 years of with my narcissistic abuser!! broke free six months ago. You have made me ore understand that i was with a totally monster... I still love him but you made me understand this comes with a deep wounds from childhood. Love is pain love is drama... that is what I was used too. My narcissistic ex verbally, physically, emotionally, mentally destroyed me. He lied and cheated constantly! The love boombing was to good to be true! For any of you starting to see these red flags run!!!! As fast as you can!!! The will suck you dry!!! Destroy you!!!
oh wow I didn't know getting socks for christmas was so revealing
haha
+dbedazzling1 I got nothing but promises.
lol, I think that is an old fashioned gift, from the days when gifts were practical =)
hey, I like socks for XMas! : ) but that's just me, I actually WORK... lots just sit there (hint-hint)... now who has the devil's idle hands and minds... just sitting there, eh?
I got a scarf that belonged to her father. She handed me the box and said "this smells funny so you might want to get it dry cleaned." She couldn't even be troubled to launder it first. Then she gave me saucy photos of herself that she had taken three boyfriends ago. All of them had also seen the pics.
My God I have commented on a few of your videos today, I have never realized how much as an empath I have absorbed this energy. When I look back every single relationship I have been treated in this way. Truly mind boggling I can't even tell you how much relief I feel right now and how much more aware I feel to the energy.
The reference to bad gift giving made me wonder if it was a test by the narc. Are they testing how deep the hook is? The worse the gift the deeper the hook. To the narc would this read " this person loves me so much they don't even care how bad this gift is."... or/ and bad treatment, degradation, etc. Does this fit?
Now that you mention it, I totally agree. I´ve seen that narcs are big testers, when the button works they push it harder, when it doesn´t they change tactics or jump right out of the boat. When my ex-narc dissed my mother i nevertheless excused her (though she never apologised), and the hellfire just got hotter until enough was enough.
I think they want to see an emotional reaction. They seem to be entertained by them.
“This is how little I think of you.” From Dr. Les Carter’s video. It’s part of devaluing
Plus we went Dutch treat on every date! And he gift wrapped my dictionary I left at his house and gave it to me for Christmas! Horribly insulting and loved it I’m sure
This one really struck home. Being naive to abuse because one wasn't allow to speak out against or even see the abuse between the parents. Love = drama, pain. Yes I have the how to stop an emotional flashback handout. Thank you.
Thanks for the video! Loved your accent, btw :3
My mother is a narcisist, and only now I know I've been emotionally abused my whole life...
When I was a teenager, she would yell at me and start an argument for no reason, and then turn my dad against me too. Funny thing is that I had never done anything wrong that could justify this behavior. For a long time i thought it was on me, but after a little while of therapy I know it's not my fault.
She has most of the behaviors you mentioned: she's never sorry (or, aha, if she's sorry is just to regain control over me again - never too late to notice! :P),she's negative, bitchy... :T
I've made a decision - I'll move out... I just dunno when :(
Been watching your videos mostly whole day and i feel like i have awaken.I started experiencing that sane and comforting feeling that i had when i was like 11 and no worries in the world , and i would just watch Tv , feel completely peaceful and fall asleep while doing so.If this all makes sense...life have been such a buzz , sometimes you can get stuck in places that doesn't really reflect a fact , the reality , but rather a fake world pulled over your eyes.All the energy you can get from all directions in the modern daily life can completely numb you of being able to experience the reality how it really is.
You also have a great energy , wish you the best with your journey and thank you for this videos that you're making i'm sure many people out there are completely lost and they surely appreciate.
i have an acquaintance and whenever I have to talk with her, afterwards I feel beat up. Not that the conversation was abusive or anything, on the surface it seems like a normal conversation and she is being sociable, but the side effect of interacting with her is that I leave feeling beat up. Is she a narcissist ? i have never been able to figure out why that is. I mentioned it to another woman who knows her and she understood what I meant, so it is not just me.
Yes, this is your intuition telling you something big about them. I knew someone like this, and befriended her. Fast forward 11 years later and I discovered she is definitely a narc. Don't waste so much time. Listen to your intuition and move on quickly.
Always listen to your intuition. She may have been both a narcissist and an energy vampire, a real crappy mix of a person to have to deal with. =)
She might also be a passive/aggressive. The combo of the two is devastating.
She may be a perpetual victim, or Petter Pan... don;t grow up... and suck the energy out of the room... full NPD... who knows... but trust the way you feel body and mind... avoid anyone that makes you feel that way... dark clouds, pity party for 1 , and you just feel bruised afterwards...!
These people will ask you to do things for you they can do for themselves... and test the 'friendship' to see how far they can take it...
would like to hear conversation first hand.
I can't believe it I've been in a weird place and confused trying to find answers and you have answered nearly absolutely every question I have had. I'm astonished how I relate to everything you have said
Ikr!
If "nice" partners bore you, and you only maintain interest in relationships with some type of conflict going on, would that count as internalizing some negative relationship patterns from childhood? If it is, then that that would probably be reproduced in our conscious life without us being necessarily aware we're doing it. How the heck do you stop that?
Yes it would. To answer your question: by making the unconscious conscious.
SPARTANLIFECOACH I can identify totally to this, and made a conscious effort to go against what I innately want, I effectively have unconsciously chosen narcissists and abusive partners my whole life, then a moment of eureka, I was effectively trying to fix the primal problem, my vile father, I was trying unconsciously to rewrite history, of course it never worked it just kept me in the comfortable zone of being uncomfortable and traumatised over and over, thank god for change, and not even practicing opposites, but looking inside and fixing myself. I used to be a chronic people pleaser, putting myself the back of the queue, I have decided to be someone that makes me happy, rather than being with SOMEONE that makes me happy. and watching this particular video made me realise a long term partner was an undercover narcissist :), by the way he treated staff and waiters! another eureka moment. thanks for a very interesting youtube video, looking forward to watching all of them, not to please you with my words ;) out of genuine interest
Nicole lewis "I was trying unconsciously to rewrite history, of course it never worked it just kept me in the comfortable zone of being uncomfortable and traumatised over and over," Thats the thing. We try to resolve childhood trauma in our adult relationships. Glad to hear you broke the pattern.
SPARTANLIFECOACH you know the last few days of watching your youtube videos have been a surreal and enlightening life changing experience, bringing unconscious stuff to conscious awareness and making them real and tangible and therefore easier to grasp and resolve, I don't know why but having watched multiple videos I had a moment earlier on today where my ex partner which is recent 2months ago, came into my mind in a way he never has, totally freeing me from the ties that bind me, unconsciously I knew it was trying to solve the primal problem, however not feeling it on a conscious level, and it came out of nowhere today it was like watching a projector in my mind, as clear and concise as that! I remembered my fathers exercise regime always working out the heaviest weights usually just his upper torso having never done cardio, he was a very feared man, and without chatting broken biscuits and sad stories all the other shit that abuse can contain, its been in my face for a year, everyone else has seen it but me, he is a carbon copy, don't get me wrong he is no way a sexual deviant like my father, which is probably another layer of fucked up attraction as in reliving my childhood less the sexual abuse, these videos have literally changed my life, I've made a decision not to embark on psychotherapy, why go back to the original trauma? I choose problem solving facets of my persona. Last time I had psychotherapy was 15 yrs ago I was studying a DHP and the professor took a shine to my life story :) regressed me back, told me to pick up Nicola the little girl and take her to a place of safety, I did just that hahahah took her home with me, no follow up help and me and little nicola ended up in a psych unit for 3 months, on the upside the professor was a regular visitor....... I ponder why ;)..... thankyou for your reply and thankyou for these life changing real live fucking answers no bullshit no psychobabble just real, I feel like I have arrived at my destination :)
I think you can change that maybe by modifying your vision about narcissistic personnalities. And how to do it? probably by understanding their mechanism and understanding that the image they´re trying to give you is just fake.
just caught myself in a scenario with this exact behavior, something out of everything you said they had done over the last year....extremely charming, secretive, rushed, living another life ...etc... i believe in me having a good heart and breaking through to people in past relationships I gave them a chance, but I realize this was a whole other extreme and I found myself feeling more suffocated than I ever have. Yesterday I walked away, happy new year... thank you for the vids
I can relate! Its a whole other level, i used to think i could handle it. No i can not. It will wear you down and destroy you.
Crappie gifts, omg everytime!
Too deep to soon, yes Indeed.
Negative , eventually yes.
Boundaries, First Red flag for me.
Great insight Thankyou so great to hear from someone who has taken the time to really examine this subject
Thank you for sharing this knowledge, only wish i could have listen to it when i was 18 (i'm now 51) i was in a relationship with what i know now to have been a narcissist and i wasted the best years of my life. If I'm honest i've never really recovered.
Izzy Blogs,You deserves better
PS thanks so much for all the help. It makes a difference
Wow, you know I've watched a lot of your videos and it's pretty crazy how I just stumbled upon this. The whole gift thing..I'm not much of a complainer as far as price or value..nothing like that. I used to think long and hard and do something meaning for my husband..and every year..Christmas..my birthday..he would wait till the last sec to get me a gift..something random but expensive as if the price held some meaning..when it was something that doesn't connect to me in any way at all. I always felt he simply didn't know who I was..had no concept of what I valued..the last 5 years with him was like that..I was with a vile man for 11 years..18-29..he got me at my weakest and most naive..5 months now I've gone no contact.
Your videos have been truly game changing for finding peace again. I can't thank you enough. :)
When I asked them what they saw as their weaknesses in an attempt to get to know each other, they gave me a blank look. When I asked them to further explain something they said they were passionate about in order to learn more about their interests, they became snappy. When I asked them why they got upset, they said it annoyed them bc they didn't actually know that much about the subject that they just claimed to be passionate about. When I broke down crying when talking about missing my family, they just sat there and STARED with a BLANK expression. NOTHING. Not even "oh shit I feel so awkward right now." Not even secondhand embarrassment LOL.
Holy fuck. I stayed with them for an additional 8 months after all that. 😂 Never underestimate your own sheer stupidity in love.
Or, no gifts at all. My entire family, really. My Mother eventually learned enough about me to give me a few gifts through the years that reflected my interests/taste. So sad. I have suffered GREATLY because of my narc parents. At 56, rebuilding everything. Thank you for such useful, objective information. Godspeed Richard 🙏⭐🙏⭐🙏
Omg so true with the crappy gift giving! My first birthday with my ex narc was so disappointing....he gave me a pile of rubbish cheap DVDs that I never even watched as they weren't really what I would watch ( we had been together about 6 months at the time). I also got a joke card....not a romantic or nice one. For Christmas in my stocking he put in sweets that I already had from the cupboard, plus a pair of his pants and some of my tampons....he thought it was hilarious! I laughed but I felt extremely disappointed at the time....like I was just a joke to him. I even have this on video as he was filming my reaction cause he was just sooooo funny and clever *rolls eyes*
ha ha ha, see ya around asshole. this time they are the joke, and its their turn.
Wow - the most enlightening video for me you've made. Yes, now she's passed, I see, I was brought up by a narcissistic mother - leading me into, patterned similar relationships. Believing, that one day, as he promised, things would get there... get better. They never did. The last eight years of hanging in there, letting things go have been - what can I say? - an experience! As I finally see the light, and the penny finally dropped, I'm outta here. It's such a difficult one - free carefully. To escape an narcissist is no easy feat. Play, them at their own game; they thrive on compliments - I've got my name off the joint account, I've said what I need to, to keep him sweet. Once all is finalised, I can move on. Beware, though, give it a mth, a year and they will come crawling round for the next piece of you, they can take. Their brains not wired like a person with conscience. Empathy does not exist. If they did any good deed for you or anyone else, it was to their own ends. Detach, dis-connect, or they will bleed you dry. Thank you again Richard, - you have helped me enormously x Good luck and God Bless you all x
This had been all useful. Thank you for the video!
Yes very true! This past Christmas 2018, he gave me a pillow, a pack of socks that were so cheap I had to throw them away after one use, oh & I can't leave out the teeny tiny candle that he attempted to brag about how much it cost. So I did the same thing to him this year, the look on his face was priceless lol
I picked up one the term "people suffering from NPD" at the beginning. More likely everyone else suffers from their NPD, they are in their element using and abusing everyone and not suffering in the slightest. I knew what was meant just nit picking over terminology. People displaying NPD is the best I can come up with without putting much thought into it
lekawa Exactly, if people were aware of their intentions, they could deal with them in a much better way. I like the word No - it works a treat with narcissists, say it a few times and they get the message
I wouldn't say the narcissist isn't suffering - my parents' other son is a narcissist, and he is quite likely the unhappiest person I have ever known.
Kev Stacey I agree with you, but the point is because they suffer, everyone else around them have to suffer to. In stead of realley going through the works to find out what is wrong. How long can you blame other people for your suffering?.
teresa radburn And I agree with you, they make others suffer even though they have no right to. The very nature of their condition rules out their accepting responsibility for themselves or taking any blame.
Thank you Richard, I felt like getting the package right away. Because it's been fun, just by having a look to your videos on you tube I immediately took decisions which can clearly turn things around for me.Change is already happening and it is so clear to me because I had spent the whole of my life trying to understand what's wrong with me and to ensure myself not to be abusive to others and that way being all the time at service of others and making myself invisible even though I'm not.... so grateful, great stuff!
I am so pissed with what i have experienced. I really want to equip myself with as much as possible knowledge on these subcreatures and enter again in a fake relashionship with a covert, just to test myself and play always using their own devil tactics.
You don't want to become one move on
That's a slippery slope you're talking about.
Thank you!!!Blessings to you and your family.
Yes! And i was too scared to stick up for myself! Neurotically naive!! Misinterpreted reality to stay safe 😳😬🤯. Love was dramatic! I walked away but it is difficult to re parent and educate myself. I just stay single it’s easier.
Same. And agree 💯
Thank you. You are saving lives with your videos. Blessings.
Also, they tend to speak FOR you as if you can't speak for yourself. My mother would answer questions directed towards me beforw I can even open my mouth. I recently met a new coworker who's showing signs of NPD and when someone asked me, "Do you like candy?", before I can reply, this individual knowing nothing about me because we literally just met exclaimed "she LOVES candy?!" But if you confront them, they'll backpedal or gaslight and make excuses. "You're just easy to read" or "I was just guessing". Then they'll turn it back to you. "No need to be rude, I was only trying to be helpful." Yeah...that's what I'm currently dealing with. Uggh
I can answer my own questions, no offense. Thanks anyway, I would appreciate it if you did not do that again. Btw I hate candy (even if it's not true lmao)
If they call you on that lie hit them with "it was a joke"
Thank you so very much, Richard Grannon Spartanlifecoach. I'm learning late in life, but teaching my children everything I can. Armed your young ones--let's break these cycles!
Love that preceding Bushism! Haha! One of Bush's best derpy moments! XD
You are so spot on. Thankyou, this really heals; confirms, affirms and inspires me no end. Peace.
Richard, just caught this one after watching videos from 2018 and 2019. Yes, to the “ bad gifts”. My soon to be ex grabbed my bday gifts from the checkout lane at Whole Foods. No thought or forethought to ways to shower and delight his wife with appropriate gifts. To my friends here, please watch out for the inappropriate behavior Richard touches on here. They are loud and attention seekers in public. The important thing is to remind yourself that you can now heal and be the best you were meant to be without the smirking narc.
Yep, number three absolutely came out in terms of "the idealized heroic self." In order to be a hero though, they had to put other people down they didn't even know to feel all good about themselves. Pathetic! I'm as imperfect as anyone else, but this crosses a line for me and I'm glad you brought this point
Just thought I'd vent about crappy gift giving. This Christmas, my narc father gave me a paper grocery bag full of all kinds of trash. Literally things just sitting around his house. Stained tee-shirts with holes in them. A couple of magazines addressed to his tenant. An unopened letter addressed to my grandmother has been dead for a decade. And many more unwanted things. Usually when he gives me old clothes I give them to a thrift store at least, but these were unfit for donation. My father lives in his own reality. That much is certain.
Horrid experience recently. My first with a NPD man. Met him on a good personals site. Talk for four months. Checked his background. Retired Royal Navy captain, navigator, member of NATO, and a marine pilot for the Port of London Authority. Everything checked out and yes, he did seem too good to be true. Everything was perfect. After the second month he started talking forever and marriage. After 4 months I flew from CA to England to meet him. Noticed the first day he was not like he was over the net. But attributed it to his being very English. Over the next three weeks had a wonderful time together but every day I noticed things - his lack of empathy towards others (highly critical of everyone around him but me - me he was spoiling), he gave me a string of pearls but they looked slightly used and in an older box which I thought was odd. I mentioned twice that he did not seem like the same person I knew all that time before I came over which infuriated him. He brought me tea and breakfast in bed every day. Took me out on his yacht for a week which was wonderful, right before I left he proposed and started talking about where we could get married. I left some important item behind as it sounded like I was coming right back to England in a few months. He seemed happy that I left them. I flew home and never heard a word from him again. And he would not respond to emails or calls. The pain from this was devastating. I lost my best friend, my fiancee and all the dreams of the plans we made for the next two years all in one moment. We are both 59 and highly educated and I have a lot of background in psychology but I still did not recognize what this was until it was over. Now I know better and will be SO careful. Please do not let anyone think you were to blame for emotional con-artists like this. They are cunning and manipulative and know just what to say. My father had died recently and he knew I was vulnerable and played into it all the way. I can now look back and see that there was a lack of real feeling and empathy there but I did not know what it meant. I guess I am lucky I got away when I did. :(
My sister abandoned me. She used me for nine years when her husband left her. The moment she got a new boyfriend, she abandoned me again. My heart is broken.
not worth it Plenty of other people will be glad to value you!!
now you know. lesson learned, move on.....
Sorry to hear that. I hope things are better for you now.
Braden she discarded you.
Omg!!! This is so eye opening. I lived this for 22 years, but he never gave me a gift, except my children, but he never cared for them either.
I was not allowed to ask "why"....Is that abuse?
It's Me yes
It's Me I was not allowed to say "no" and i think it's the same as not being allowed to ask "why", it's abusive, it takes away your freedom and it takes away any means of asking for logical reasoning.
When someone makes you feel like you have to walk on egg shells that is abuse.
So I know you meant well but that obama clip was a little weird for me. Maybe bc most of your clips are fictional and this It's a real person doing code switching which is prominent in the Black community.
Definitely
Spot on! I've been on this train of understanding for a couple of years now & answering yes to the first two questions (the first one to the greatest extent) is the basis for a lot of what has subsequently happened. When I was a kid people had no idea this kind of treatment even constituted abuse.