Lisa A. Romano - You don't know me, but you saved my life and I cannot thank you enough. I kept these key phrases saved in my phone for over a year and used them every time my narcissistic, sociopath husband began his attack. I used these phrases and maintained a "grey rock" appearance for a year. I was no longer "fun" to play with, and no longer entertainment to him. He could no longer "win". After 17 years of living in fear, and never knowing if I would live to see the next day, he quietly walked away. That was 5 months ago and I've been "no contact" since the day he left. Me and my children are finally safe and living in peace. Life has never been better. Thank you a million times Lisa💖
Omg my narcissist neighbour gave me a full blown lecture, I told her, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” And then she just said, “ you know what? Leave.” We were in my house😂😂😂
Yes well in my case it does not work you see It is my son ‼️😊So I am the one supposed to be responsible for his actions, I know it is a manipulation tactic but it is not nice to hear it over and over again ‼️🤴🏻
My heart goes out to everyone reading this who is stuck dealing with a malignant narcissist. God bless you all and may your future grow better and better, one little victory at a time until the day you are free from your narcissist.
I am currently and have been for 30 years. I'm at a point in my life and the age I am where something has got to change. Since he has gotten so bad I am unwilling to waste anymore time and life!
Taylor Moffitt Halydean: Thank you for such kind, encouraging and supportive words that came at a needed time. I have come to realize my counselor of more than 13 yrs. is a covert, passive aggressive, narcissist. Working on getting away. Thanks again.
I'm so nervous and my defense is on high alert my husband has a narcissist mother and sister who just slam me when I'm there mom can get all 8 siblings to join in they spin up my husband this is the only time we've ever argued. I have to go a family gathering in the middle of a Pandemic of course mom not going miss her 55th wedding family reunion she needs her fix i know she is going to go after me. I am the truth teller and realist also im a peace keeper you can't make peace in a Dysfunctional family they want caos and fights so for 6yrs ive stayed away now i have to go. Maybe ill just stay in the car read a book and don't catch covid19 from these idiots help i don't want to go threw this hell why should I. I hate the way they make me feel angry and frustrated everytime I do go and my hubby changes into a different person too.
@@pnw_mainecoons6633 Don't go. Tell them you have a cough and fever and it might be COVID-19. Everybody will be happier if you stay at home, but especially you. You have nothing to gain by going..
@@hmf130 I dove for 2 hours on my way there when I got there my husband told me to turned around and go back home. I found out his narcissist mother didnt like being questioned and bull face lies he broke them apart to show they are impossible and untrue asked to fide some kind of peace he wants to see his dad. His mom went crazy angry kicked her son out of the family for not seeing things her way So she decided banished my husband and I from his family. I felt so relieved but my heart breaks for my husband but Im so happy it had nothing to do with me but I never have to go back. Thank God I know these videos helped my husband way more than you know thank you
This was a phrase I used with an ex partner who used gaslighting to the point where they didn't know or care what the truth was. In my experience with narcissists, they will use those words as a challenge to see who is the most "woke" about the truth between the two of you. They are stimulated by the idea of messing with the truth because their morality regarding lying is not the same as most others'. My suggestion would be not to challenge them about who knows what the truth is.
1-I’m sorry that you feel that way.( they know what to do) 2~ I can except your faulty perception of me 3~ I have no right to control how you see me. 4~ I guess I have to accept how you feel 5~ Your anger is not my responsibility.
I had no idea my older sister was a narcissist. She's almost 80 years old and im almost 70. It wasn't until I looked up what kind of person hangs up on you in the middle of a conversation and the blocks you so you can't ask them what happened. I'm still playing the game. I called her after a couple of months and the phone rang. I was in shock. She answered and said "How did you get thru? I was taken back by that cuz how else could have I gotten thru? I'm hoping to learn more from Lisa Romano, she has been a godsend
I used "I can accept your faulty perception of me" on my mother. To which she said, "it's not a 'faulty' perception', EVERYONE thinks that way, too" (projection). I said. "I'm sorry you feel that you feel that way" (roared with laughter inside) She said, "You have always been this, that, and the other (I won't say her exact accusations in an open forum). To which I said, "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way." She said, "Can't you think of something more original than THAT? I said, "I guess I have to accept how you see me." She said, "You are such a little...." (yes, she still calls me nasty names at age 50). To which I said I said, " Your anger is not my responsibility, Mom. Bye!" What a conversation! It's Christmas and narcissistic rage is in full swing! Thank you, Lisa.
MIFNP I am sorry you went through this but love this response! I am so glad you stood up to her in this manner! I hope you continue to find freedom from your mother's behavior. Many blessings and happy holidays... 💖💖💖💖💖
I have a really good one. My narc dad asked me "Do you think I drink too much beer"? I turned and looked him square in the face and said " If you have to ask me that question then, you must believe it yourself". The look on his face went from FULL ATTENTION to FULLY DUMBFOUNDED. It was great.
What I know about the narcissist is that they love the fight. Any response from you is read by them as engaging with them. Never engage them. Learn to pivot, physically, emotionally and verbally. What's worked for me is distance. Distance is stepping back from their chaotic force field by going to another place whether it be another room, finding something that will support a change in your emotional state or cutting off the verbal exchange with them. Get off their playground! They can't stand it. Distance helps you regain your balance and lets them know that you aren't going to engage with them on their level. Remember, pigs love slop, you're the one who will get dirty.
Actually this is just one of those typical dealing with a narcissist things where no matter what you do, you cannot win. “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” For example: them: if we are going to afford this new house, you will need to work more hours or find a job that pays better Me: starts a career and moves from part time to full time Them: your not available for my needs when I think you need to be available. I need you at my disposal so I can do what I want when I want. And the dishes were not done by 6 today so now I’m going to slam them around making everyone aware about how Upset I am about doing dishes no one asked me to do. A different day Them: what’s wrong? Me: I have a bad migraine Them: you should really take the day off if you don’t feel good Me: Yea your right ok A few months later Me: not feeling good w a migraine, Laying down not going to work. Them: (defensively) are you not working today? Me: I will probably just take the day off I don’t feel good Them: stomps off and silent treatment So as you see no matter what you do to appease them or keep them satisfied you can’t win. Therefore, during a confrontation w them, sure distancing self is ideal and the safest option but if you dont engage and ignore them walking away, that can feed their narcissistic rage as well plus leaving that open end of the argument only allows them to fill in the blanks of not respecting your boundaries. So I accept creative ways to be vocal about these boundaries without being a participant involved in the arguments. But either way, you can’t win w these people. The only thing that will ever change your response to them is just focusing on making sure you don’t change yourself such as committing spiteful acts in retaliation to their spiteful deeds or being easily triggered. I always say we set the example of how we expect to be treated by others regardless of their treatment of us. So even if someone isn’t giving me the respect I deserve I will still model that respect in order to honor who I am. We really hate when we get this silent treatment from them so it doesn’t hurt to basically say, I’m wiping my hands clean of your perception of this situation. And then walking away. With that being said, it is ok to distance ourselves as need so we don’t react out of character for us. Now I am just rambling lol forgive me
That’s what I used to do with my ex/kids father he is textbook definition of a narcissist and it drives me, my sister and a few of my friends crazy how in the first 3 years he showed little traits here and there but everyone has a narcissistic moment every now and then but as soon as we had our son he got comfortable enough to show his true face and also started drinking and doing coke so he would let his Narcissism let loose full throttle that’s when I started seeing how BAD his Narcissism is after being attacked and him flipping the script on me and literally telling me horrible things he has done to me I actually did too him and tell me I did things that’s not in my character at all but is 100% completely his character and he has even gotten violent with me and broke bones breaking up with him was hard because he always acted as if I was just talking because I’m mad I completely stopped sleeping with him made sure when he was home to go lock myself in my room and then made it where he slept on the couch and everytime he would talk to create an argument I would not even respond at all for about a year before he finally realized I’m done and I had to force him out my house it was crazy but since he’s been gone I have felt a peace that I needed more then I can begin to express and now after 10 years of him I don’t want a relationship at all I’m happy being alone for the first time i enjoy my own company and am finally opening my eyes to what negative self destructive things my depression and anxiety has allowed me too do to myself
My abusive narcissist ex would never say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Probably because it sounds too much like "I'm sorry". Normally the narcissist doesn't care how you feel at all, because your feelings don't really matter since you "have so many issues" and are just "too sensitive".
Yeah, I don't like that one either because it brings you down to their level... You are lying that you're sorry (unless someone more mature than I can feel sympathy for someone harming them in the moment)
NPC Slayer Oh that is sooo true! Not only does it make the conversation end, but the narc gets to dismiss any responsibility for what he has done. Infuriating!
I was thinking the same thing. My bf would say this a lot and actually admitted he said it because he wasn't sorry because he didn't feel he did anything wrong, he was sorry I felt the need to feel like I did after his abuse. 🙄 It's never their fault.
I’m an empath and I’ve been attracting narcissistic men. I just got home from a date and I’m sure he was a narcissist. DODGING THAT BULLET!!!! Thank you so much for your videos Lisa.
I've had the same problem with women. Set your standards HIGH and be patient! I dodged a bullet with a prospective business partner and felt like, "BOOYAH! IN YOUR FACE EVIL GUY!" lol
You can end up being with a healthy minded individual. Being an Empath may mean that various type of people will be drawn to you. Because they are looking for someone to minister to them or soothe them if you will. But it don't mean that is the only type of people that you will ever attract, just use the knowledge that you have learned from these type of videos. To help you pull away from people that you see that may have that in them and go from there. Seek counseling if you feel as though you need healing in certain areas. That helps a lot. I pray that all is well with you in Jesus name. Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen.
After years of narcissistic abuse the best way is just to act stupid. You can't argue with a fool. Make them repeat their statements as much as you can, pretend not to understand what they are saying, change the topic. Just act weird lol 😂 they don't like weirdos cuz weirdos can't feed them.
I have used every single one of these phrases with my narcissistic sister and they WORK.....immediately. I'll never forget how stonewalled she was the first time I said, "I'm sorry you don't like me, I hope you choose to change your mind".....she took off (as usual) and for the first time, I let her. I felt really guilty at first, after that subsided I felt triumphant, like I finally stood my ground. It's worth the initial discomfort. Thank you Lisa!
KATHERINE BE I know, it's so hard to have the wall up with siblings. I was inclined to believe my sister for so many years because we grew up together, and I both empathized with her (never ending) anger, violent outbursts, smear campaigns and understood deeply where those behaviors came from, there's nowhere in our youth where she'd have learned any other behavior. She's all I have as far as family. At the end of the day it's not our job, responsibility, or place to hold toxic energy or emotions for anyone. Nothing has been harder or felt better than letting go. As a matter of fact I lost a lot of faux friends when I started speaking up for myself and trying to have more intimate connections. I'm sorry that your at this crossroad, but I really hope things work out for the best for you, we deserve to have people in our lives who love, respect and see us ❤️.
My sister is a narcissist too! I'm so glad I found this thread. I was starting to feel like I was the only one suffering with a narc sister (who's also my fraternal twin). It took me my whole life to finally realize that she was this way, that I'm not the crazy one. It was difficult, but I can't tell you how amazing it felt to finally let her go. I feel like I'm finally starting to live for myself. I actually feel free, happy.. But at the same time it sucks to talk about my twin this way..
A former friend who I finally realized is a narc would insult me by telling me how to think, what to do, how to feel, what’s wrong with me. etc. I finally said “your opinion of me is none of my business” and you could see he was completely thrown off balance.
@@SK22000 Workplaces need Zero Tolerance for Narcissists. Narcissists should be required to take ongoing psychotherapy until they improve greatly, or they have to resign. Narcissists destroy companies and create job loss for many people.
after everything you went through, after so much pain, you had the strength to go through it all and find your role in the world - to help people. you are an incredible woman, strong, spiritually beautiful, thank you for existing. God bless you
My spouse has narcissistic tendencies (not diagnosed). He constantly tells me who I am and misrepresents my actions and thoughts. I give him the same response each time “It’s perfectly fine with me that you feel that way”. And, it’s absolutely true. I’ve learned not to allow others to define me after dealing with him for over a decade. I don’t have to defend my character because I’m with myself at *ALL* times. It’s absolutely absurd when someone tries to tell you what you did as if you weren’t there.
I tried for 9 years to make a relationship work with that person, but they will never change. If they can't love you, leave. Go find someone capable of love.
"We don't have the right to control someone's reality nor does someone else have the right to control our reality." Good words to live by Lisa!!! So great when we can get past the faulty information.
OMG!!! "I can accept your faulty perception of me"!! This is GOLD! I'm dealing with a nightmare of client right now and this just put me in a happy place.
I once interrupted a narc sibling mid rant with, 'Are you done, yet?' That worked really quickly, too. The fury clearly mushroomed in her expression that I'd dared disrespect her by not submitting to her intended manipulations, but she was left speechless.
My ex was a narcissist. At the end after I left and he started calling me and saying it was all my fault, I said, "It's okay for you to feel that way. I understand. It is all my fault." Not that I cared. lol. He just beat me down so much for so long that I just didn't care anymore at all what he thought. I take full blame just never make me have to see your face again! lol.
It's amazing the clarity that you get after your relationship with that narcissist leaves your life! The most important thing to remember is that a narcissist is a predator looking to assert dominance and control over your kindness and caring. No amount of explaining to them what they did to hurt you will make them understand or care. They are not wired like a normal person, and the situation will never get better. Talking about your feelings with a narcissist is kind of like explaining Quantum Field Theory to a 2 year old - except a 2 year old might try to listen. There is only one person that a narcissist loves - themselves and no one else - their ego has no room for anyone else. Just remember that it is not your fault - if you have had the unfortunate experience of being with a narcissist - you were targeted and the victim of a long-con. I speak from personal experience and it has taken me over a year to feel like me again - but I am stronger for this experience and my boundaries have become A LOT MORE DEFINED! Just remember that a healthy relationship is about compromise and equal give and take. A healthy relationship does not do the silent treatment for days and weeks on end, does not try to gaslight you, and does not stand you up when you have made plans together.
c thompson you're a good person for trying to help them, but unfortunately that person never existed. They were a person putting on a false persona so that they could ingratiate themselves into your life. That ideal person never existed. They tuned into what you wanted and needed so that they could hurt you... because that's what gives them power in knowing that they can illicit such emotions from you. They're predators looking for a giving purpose one step away from psychopathic killers. It's best to stay away from them no matter how cute or gorgeous they might seem. If they have dead eyes and don't listen to you and your concerns... WALK AWAY!
c thompson And this will never change,no matter how much you try,or give chances. It will come again as the they r working on it, but it is a lie, to let them back. I did it so many times,reaching the point allowing them to disrespect my own values - as simple as respectful behaviour. There is no flipping chance one will live normally in such degrading,disfunctional relationship. Do not listen to all sweet talk,to all plans for future,because that will never happen,simply you won't be able to endure the abuse that long.
I would ask him to have written and signed his promisses. Than you would have proof that that was him who did not want contact with his children. It may help a lot, even in the court, when he, in future, will want to decide about his children and control them, and you this way.
Sterling Lombard “except a 2 yr old might try to listen!” Hahaha! Well said! In fact,all of your comments are spot on. No,a healthy loving relationship does Not have these qualities. Wish I had woke up to that sooner. Foolish naive codependent me! But I am a wiser man now. I set the boundaries down early now. And stick to them. Recently,I quit seeing a woman after only 2 weeks. I started seeing the warning signs. Since then,she has called me twice. And text me twice. I ignored her completely. Why bother trying to explain anything to them. Don’t do a lick of good. I’m just so glad I finally got educated about narcissism.
Very good tips. Thank you. One thing to keep in mind, disarming a narcissist can also anger them to the point of blackmailing you and if that don't work they will resort to telling others lies about you without thought of what the consequences would be or hurt they cause others. They become desperate when they realize they no longer have control.
Once we realize we feel attraction for a narcissist, then we MUST realize that this happens because we have an urgeent need to fix something inside ourselves! Healing is required, and, I'm so glad to tell you, it's possible
I concur ... I've red and I've red and I've listened material on NPD until I've found out the big why? ... "to right the wrong that it has been done to us growing up ... to make it right!"
@@lillydragu3277 please suggest me some material that I can read or watch video lectures or anything..it is a problem with me..why I get attracted to a girl who uses me for making her life better
@@prateeksrivastava6026 reading books is useful, no doubt about; but still, we need to get in touch with our deep self and find, in our past, where, when and who did something very hurting to us... the moment we "printed" in our brains and hearts that, in order to be loved, we must give, give and give, limitless...
@@prateeksrivastava6026 Hi Prateek, I've came to that realization from Shahida Arabi's book: "Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare", who covers the topic beautifully, while answering the big question: WHY?
My answer, Tell me why I am wrong. I believe you believe what you say is true., but that doesn't make it true just because you believe to be so. Does it? I might be right and you are the that is wrong, right?
Im a codependent 14 year old living with a narcissistic mom. I used to always cry and run away from my mom but now your videos helped me understand and control the damage my mom throws at me. Thank you
If you are 14 year old teenager the word codependent seem to be misplaced. But if so - be careful in your future relationships - you have a much higher chance to fall for very dysfunctional people - especially if you do not know what to look for *. There are books I can recommend you Robin Norwood: Women who love too much (it also applies to men) a lot about codependency. And I saw some reviews about Susan Forward Toxic Parents (again don't get scared by the word "toxic". * signs of dysfunctional men - Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (male counselor.
Madeline Luke such a young age to b dealing with this! But what impressed me with ur comment was u wanted to understand! Not just to have the words or maturity to deal with ur mum! Wise head on young shoulders!
they also say "I'm sorry you feel that way". I have found that they DO NOT like to be ignored. God forbid you don't answer on the ring or reply to a text as quick as they would like... look out.
I didn't answer my phone to my ex-gf on purpose.. the problem about being in a relationship for almost 3 years with her where my bad choices after breaking up.. it was like I wanted to revenge from all the damage she did to me.. be carefull with yourself people! I'm fine now but I did transform into the person my narcissist gf described.. This is bad because if she finds out is giving her all the credits... be as normal and balanced as you can be when going out from a relationship with a narcissist
That's my husbands ex. Back to back calls/voicemails/texts.. from mulitple phones and blocked numbers. By the time you are in a place where you can talk you have literally 45 texts/calls in the span of an hour. threats. you name it. You would think someone died. Nope. she just wants to tell you off about the medication she suspects a child missed, but an hour or two later, she realizes he didn't miss it when she counted the pills. It's exhausting. So, I feel you. Luckily, you don't have to keep contact with him/her.
It's hard to push away the narcissist you love.. Breaking up with my ex was one of the hardest things because I wanted to help her but I didn't feel nor have the resources to do so.. I was no longer interested, my love was transformed into apathy.
My heart goes out to every person who is tied into a romantic relationship with a narcisisst. Best advice; get out and away from it as soon as possible. GET AWAY is the best you can do and life will open up before you thereafter. X
Love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said the same thing to my Mom oh boy I have told her many thing that shut her up.....I am free from her but I still have to live with her...long story ....:( but I am my owner not her!!! god it only took 53 years to do it!!! Bravo
aminini It's strange you're on this video and have no experiience with a narcissist. Telling that to a narcissistic mother is incredibly brave and hard. And no, a narcissist mother never has her child's emotional well being in their mind, that's what normal mothes are like.
I am a therapist (licensed MFT and Doc of Psychology). Personally, I like these phrases. Not only does it extinguish the manipulation the narcissist is attempting, but it keeps the victim of the narcissist from falling into the trap. And acknowledges something that is true... we DON'T have the power to tell someone how to view us. Refuse to play the game. (then... probably best to run... in most cases.)
Are you saying all this because your a licensed MFT and DOC of Psychology, when you're just repeating what Lisa described??? Ahhhhhhhhhhh?????? mmmmmmm???
If you are in a romantic relationship with a narcissist--you can only save yourself--so going no contact is best albeit difficult. This video is not about changing them--it is about sending the message that 'I know you are a narcissist--I know your game is about trying to control me--I must hold onto myself--and send the clear message--that although I hear you--I am NOT taking your stuff on."
You do and say as little as possible with the narc ex spouse. Absolutely as little as possible or you find a mediator like a friend who can work as a go between for you.
1. i'm sorry you feel that way... 2. i can accept your faulty perception of me... 3. i have no right to control how you see me... 4. i guess i have to accept how you feel... 5. your anger is not my responsibility...
I used a couple of these on my ex narc-gf without ever having seen this video. Another one I used was, "I'm not going to argue against your feelings even though your feeling are obviously wrong."
The 5 Key Phrases are the following: 1. I'm sorry you feel that way. 2. I can accept your faulty perception of me. 3. I have no right to control how you see me. 4. I guess I have to accept that that's how you feel. 5. Your anger is not my responsibility. Thank you for this video!
I find it strange how many people here seem to assume that everyone has a choice about who they have to communicate with. Kids cannot choose who their parents are. The vast majority of people can't just leave their jobs because their boss is toxic. Many people, especially women, find themselves in harmful or dangerous relationships with people they never knew were narcissists until it's too late. Questioning "why do they stay" shows a great lack of empathy or compassion.
Serai3 this I agree with. Many people are trapped. The gray rock method is somewhat useful. Too many people here are actually the narcissists themselves. You can tell that they feel entitled to initiating dialogue with those in their lives and receiving the responses that they desire...and then when they don’t get what they want from that person in their life, they come here and play the victim. They project their flaw of narcissism onto the other person. Like the mom who cries “oh thank you for giving me the tools I never thought of in decades to help me defend my poor self from my own daughter. Boo. Hoo. Feel sorry for me” well what kind of mother comes to the internet to complain about her own child? Think about that. She’s obviously the eternal victim and guilt tripper there and I feel bad for her daughter. Most people here can’t leave and to ask the question “why do they stay”, yes you are right, it shows an incredible level of thoughtlessness. The flawed perception response wouldn’t work because a narcissist would respond with “tell me, how is my perception of you flawed?”, thereby dragging you further down into a negative conversation , putting you into a position where you have to defend your point. Narcissists like to keep you on the defensive. That’s why just finding inner peace and emotionally disconnecting yourself, while nodding and smiling and agreeing is far easier if you are stuck with a narcissist long term. Otherwise it’s a constant battle. Become as uninteresting as possible and don’t take any verbal bait. Don’t engage. When they enter a room, be distracted. Be polite and stay calm. Don’t be in the room when the narcissist awakens in the morning. Get up early and wait till the room is clear before you try to hang out in that room. When you are downstairs and you hear the narc coming, get up and immediately finish off a chore and head away carrying a trash bag or something. Don’t eat your meals in areas the narc likes but instead eat outside or something. Just avoid and say the best response to keep any conversations short. If you are trapped, that seems like the best way to maintain a semblance of peace.
@@TheRealSyrett thank you this truly has help me, I so desperately want to be away from my so-called partner my abuser my jailer my narcissist. Unfortunately I am right where a narcissist likes to keep their victim and I have a 8 month old and 4 other children only 2 out of the 5 are with him luckily my other three can be with their dad most of the time to stay away from his toxicness. I have been looking for a job and all I can do is make a plan and stay in my day until my situation makes more sense to leave. I just tell myself this is my temporary situation not my forever life. It really helps to read things not to fix my situation because unfortunately a narcissist cannot change and probably doesn't even want to. And at my point it wouldn't matter if he changed the damage is done. But it does help to be able to get through everyday life without feeling like I am in hell. So again thank you so much what you just wrote was really awesome. This video was really great too.
I didn't realize that I was dealing with a narcissistic personality until I started watching these. It caught me off guard, as if you'd have been living inside my home! I used to be so frustrated because I always ended up being apologetic for things he had done....I am so glad to be free!
It works. It sent my mother right out my door. It disarmed her. I can't control how she acts but I can NOT engage with a narcissist. It's a hard lesson to learn but Lise is right. We can't change someone else's perceptions of us. Trying to do so will keep you trapped in a revolving door.
This is quite an intelligent approach. Doesn't just apply to narcissists, applies to loads of people. It's quite a healthy attitude, which suggests that each person lives in their own reality, and these realities don't have to entail consistent emotional interpretations. This is quite a modern attitude.
Love this. My wife has been calling me a narcissist for years yet all my friends say I am anything but. So now my eyes are wide open. I love these suggestions. They give me direction. I am so finished with being made to feel guilty about who I really am. Projection is real. A narcissist's accusations will reveal who THEY are.
Yes agreed 👍👍 have you watched Dr Carter's videos yet? He has some good advice also if you are still searching around on TH-cam for different techniques and insight about narcissistic personality disorder.
"I'm not responsible for your anger" is one I've used but it usually has to be repeated calmly because they'll say "Yes, you are" or tell you why you are, then you're down the rabbit hole. Brief is best; "Ok" "I understand" "I hear what you're saying."Etc. Then walk away. If you engage other wise, say more, that's supply and what narcs want. Short, unemotional responses, grey rocking, short circuits narcs. Memorize the mantra....."Respond, don't react" and JADE: Don't......justify, argue, defend or explain. Doing these things are the only ways I've been able to successfully deal with the XN or any narc.
You'll never change them so the best thing to do is run if you can. My ex was one plus much more and I dumped him for the sake of myself and my kids. He met me when I was young and naive which enabled him to catch me in his web. They're just destructive people who are unhappy with themselves and need a scapegoat.
I just tried these phrases on my husband. OMG!! It helped!! Since I remained calm & stated those comments back to him, I think he was baffled because I didn't engage in defending myself. Hence...the heated rage ended quickly! WOW! Thanks so much!
YAY!!!!!! The whole purpose of these phrases is to help the victims of narcissistic--dominant--and bullying behavior learn how to NOT engage in defending themselves...YOU DID GREAT!!!!! When you ALLOW someone to have their FAULTY perception of YOU--and you NO LONGER engage--you can disarm many of them. Not all #narcissists are the same--but for the garden variety #narcissist these key phrases can work pretty well. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!
I tried it too, it worked! He was upset about something minor, and I actually said I am so sorry you feel like that, calmly, and he answered shouting“I am not mad,,,”... the moment he realized how mad he was about that stupid thing he immediately stopped talking and in 2 min changed back to normal!! Works! Save me from his (non violent) rage!
I started using the phrases a couple weeks ago and they really do work. I'm actually kinda having fun with messing with him. Does that sound mean? Hope so! Cuz he's been messing with my head for 17 years!
Wonderful phrases! I have come to a state of peace within myself. "Your anger is not my responsibility" is very close to my realization that "I am not responsible for healing you." I've been learning to do emotional jujitsu with my Narcissist and these five phrases add to my newly-formed behaviors. By not resisting what he says, yet not taking on the characteristics of his accusations - hysteria, emotionalism, craziness, and the like - I feel more power within the relationship than I have in all the 19 years I've been with him (Oct. 31). I don't like his single-man behaviors, and would prefer to be treated nicely. Peaceful strength helps me to be okay with my life. I'm much happier now, knowing that his behaviors no longer affect me the way they once did. He treats most of the people who care about him the same way. He's an "equal-opportunity people-hater". That's not about me.... Thanks, again, Lisa!
I love the last phrase! "I bow to the love and light in you!" So true, we all here have abit of our light, felt like, or have been, taken away by the narcissist, and we have to find our original light that we shine within ourselves, so throwing right at you everyone: "I bow to the love and light in you"! 😊😊 Xx Be yourself x
I live with a Narcissistic mother and I can tell you NOT ONE of these phrases would stop her, in fact it would make her more angry and she would attack harder. This sounds like your enabling them to treat you however y they want and I would never be ok with them. The best piece of advice I was ever given from my therapist is do not engage at all. Walk away, don't say anything at all, leave the premises if you have to, which I have done, I have also kicked my mother out of my home and even at one point, in order for me to heal and get better myself, I had to cut ties with her completely. Do what you have to do without engaging with them at all. Just because their realty is different, just because they are mentally ill, does NOT give them the right to verbally abuse you in any way shape or form. PERIOD!
I can relate very deeply. So did I. She was a guardian who took on the role as mom when my mother died. I had to cut her from my life. I want to write a long letter to her for myself to heal. I feel she must be confronted. I don't care how she reacts. This is just for me. I pray you find healing too!
I too had a narcissistic parent. I love you would give me chance to split. she would b yelling usually by the time I left the room but it eventually let her know I wasn't gonna play.
Christin Coggins this is the exact way I feel I don't want to say anything to one of these demons I am talking about a marriage not a mother but when you find out that you are dealing with these types of people some of these phrases is going to make the situation worse less is more
Thank you for this video. I'm almost 30 and finally realized that my mother is a narcissist and had caused alot of hurt. But I still have to deal/put up with her for Christmas as we all gather at my grandfathers house for holidays, where my children, husband, and I have to be under the same roof with her. God forbid she makes a very rude or hurtful remark, as she's done in the past in front of everyone, I want to use one of these phrases and watch her reaction in front of everyone, whilst remaining calm. I was so used to gaslighting that I didn't know that's what she was doing but NOW I KNOW!!!!!! She's going to leave me and my husband alone this year or unwittingly expose herself. No more will I put up with her bullying and hurting me.
Narcissists enjoy engaging their partners in toxic dances. While we are trying to figure them out and find stable ground, they are doing their best to kick up the dirt and keep us stuck.
No matter what they think they've achieved by attacking people, the narcissist will in the end still have their shitty life and I think deep dpwn they hate themselves.
My narc always tries to use other people against me, saying things like "everybody knows you're a snake, everybody knows who you really are" so I simply respond by saying "What other people think about me is not my business". He hates it when I say that because there is no response to it. Lol.
Why do you stay? can you leave? we often can't...I always joke around I'm like "what's wrong with snakes they eat rats" and when I get the old "everybody knows who you really are" I reply "good, whew...no wonder people are so nice to me"
That when I start calling her snaky all the time. I have done it before, for months, they get tired of it and start snapping. Then they are reinvolved again.
They do that. When I called my mother to tell her I was going to kill my self she said that the whole family wanted me to and I should do it now. NPD to the max! She said that nobody can stand me. Not true.
Thank you for this. I was tested today. I passed the test. Manipulating person met his match and tried everything in the book to get me to see things his way. He walked away defeated and really pissed. It was very satisfying to know he did not win.
I'm in the process of breaking up a business partnership with such a person. After swearing at me, telling me what a terrible person I am, after reaching a settlement , I start getting sms's saying I sent you flowers, I've missed you through all this nonsense. I have been warned by family not to respond, and will take their advise. All I can say is my life has been hell the last 10 years, and I cant wait to run things on my own now without her constant attacks on my personality etc. It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders now. Here's to life.....
Yup. I have found that you have to ignore and "no contact" them out of your life. It's the only way. They need any type of narcissistic supply they can. They hang on any emotion, etc.
I call it the, "why game?".. whatever the narsasist says just respond with a simple.."why?" Then when they take the time to answer you just simply ask..."why?"..again..and again. They will simply get exhausted and angry trying to explain themselves eventually and leave you alone. It has never failed for me and can also be used on rude people always trying to borrow money. lol
Wow, I actually did this by accident to a known narcissist once. Now that you mentioned it this persons face was turning beet red and now I know why... This whole time I mistook him for actually being interested in the conversation 😆 I was being polite and made sure this person knew I acknowledged what he already explained and mentioned "yes I understand what your saying" " but I am not sure WHY They do it this way" 😂 he went on for 30 mins and now I know why, it because he couldn't help it. This guy had to prove how intelligent and how in control he was. Most people that do business where he works already know about him. As in bad reputation...it's sad really.
You must be an intimidating looking person! I always seem to get the reverse psychology attitude or trampled on by these narcissists! It’s a loose loose!!!!!!!!!!
@@davidharrell8890 who ? Also wanted to mention a narcissist can weed out the strong independent types from the weak minded obedient types, if you happen to come off as a weak minded person they go for you first. I have witnessed this first-hand and it's disgusting. Almost like a form of bullying at a work place. At the same time they like to challenge the strong independent types to check his or her limitations emotionally always testing the boundaries and looking for a weak link to latch onto and simply deploy their narc ways as usual. My best advice is study up watch alot of the videos on this narcissistic personality and become enlightened as much as possible on the many different mind games that they use on anyone within their territory. Be aware and know how to handle yourself. And it will never go perfect. Simply learn from your mistake and don't allow it to happen again this is your way of maintaining boundaries. If you maintain your boundaries they will learn to refrain from head games meaning they might have some clue that your onto the head games they are playing and or planning. Final word of advice never ever ever reveal that you know the games they are playing don't act like you know them even though they act like they have known your for 30 years this is how they get you setup up to be comfortable and reveal too much information which is the very information they will soon use against you once they have full filled their mental file on you and what your about ... remember it's them looking for tools to manipulate you to do what they want...it will be in a nice way or bad way....the bad way only ends one way and that's someone quitting because they have had enough and fed up with the garbage treatment. The minute you defy them they " gas light"
"Your anger is not my responsibility" - this got me through the ending of a nasty 5 year divorce process. Thank you! I have finally found ways to dissolve situations with these 5 key phrases in every situation with him. Thank you so much.
You have bigger messages then Eckhart Tolle. Do you know that? Your level of conciousness is very high and concrete at the same time! This is exactly what i need. Thank you for helping me to grow!
Lisa, I NEVER meditate. However, I am impressed with your inner child meditation. I like that you gave a time frame of 6 weeks ( I think) and that's good for me. It's structure, and I need that. I go to bed with you in my ear every night (five days now) and I actually look forward to having that comfort. "Dear ones", I absolutely love that. You are a caring women. Ty, for all you bring to our crazy lives. Is that you being a badass in that picture?
Hi dear one. Have you heard of #deepak #chopra and his take on #the #field of #potential ? To find this creative center within all of us, one must first--be silent. Meditation is proven to help calm mental chatter. This is THE WAY to wholeness--to oneness--to wholiness...(What picture are you referring to dear one? If it is the photo of the little girl behind me, yes...that was me when I was about three years olf. I speak to her and nurture her daily xoxox..I rescued her and discovered it was she, who rescued me.)
@Lisa Hello "Dear One", (I really love that, too, might borrow it!) Oh my! This is BRILLIANT! I am going to print a picture of myself as a child! I am 54, but that little girl still has issues!!! Thank you, Lisa, so very much for your videos and insights. Many who teach on this subject of narc recovery are coming from a bit of a bitter perspective - how to torture a narc, tricks to play the same game - but you offer mature, insightful, practical help that is clearly focused on healthy recovery, restoration of self and peace with others - narcs included! You are assisting many!! We are a grateful bunch!! :) YHWH bless you!!!
I literally laughed out loud at each one of these because if I said them to the specific someone in my life who is a narcissist, they would go BONKERS with confusion!!! Thank you so much I will surely use these words instead of sitting in silence, thank you thank you.
Precisely--it isn't about winning an argument because you can't win with a narcissist, but you can throw them off guard and perhaps diffuse them...These phrases may not work with all narc's but they will certainly work on garden variety type narcissists...YAY!!!!! #narcissist #narcissistic #abuse
The last 44yrs of my life has been explained to me so clearly. I can not thank you enough. I can't wait to use my new 5 simple answers.Thank you again. Namaste. Ash in Ireland.
Finding you just when I needed help was so lifesaving. I also realise why it's so important for us to all share our gifts with the world as we may have wisdom that can save someone else just when they need it. You have helped me breakthrough so much in only hours, Thankyou for being you I am so thankful x
spent much of today trying to change a narcs perception of me and justifying things I said over and over again. So these key phrases will be treasured but for now, I am going the no contact route. Thank you.
I felt pure freedom from my ex the day I refrained (and made it a habit to refrain) from justifying and explaining myself to him. He doesn't hold the power of anything I need [anymore], I do not need to convince him of anything.
Lisa - I can not thank you enough for giving this advice. I think it will change my life, it has already begun. For 4 years I have been married to a women who deflates me at every opportunity. I had a previous happy marriage (lost her to cancer) and I was totally thrown for a loop on why this one would not work no matter what I do. So I would try this and that approach - and we did go to marriage counseling - and as long as I took every bit of blame for everything ever wrong in her life then things were ok. Out of the blue days ago I decided to read about what a narcissist is - and I was blown away by how well my wife matched almost every criteria. I mean off the charts. No wonder. I could try and try a million different things for the rest of my life and nothing, nothing I do would ever make a difference. She isn't going to start to love me and care about me, ever. So after the shock of learning what is really at work here, I watched some "how do you deal with it" vids, and came upon yours. I wrote your questions down and waited for the next attack. I told her I accept what she thinks of me, and I'm sorry you feel that way about me, etc. And for the first time in 4 years her vitriol to make me feel small rolled off. She actually brought out the big guns, reaching back into our high school days (that was a long time ago) to illustrate what a puny small person I was... and it rolled off me. 'I can't change how you feel about me'... I do think I am going to have to make some decisions, but these phrases and strategies will buy me some time and allow me to make decisions knowing that I am *not* the cause of her issues.
make sure you make a decision for life! My father and brother did not and there are so many who grieve for them. They were the kindest and gentlest of men and the world is a lesser place without them.
"You're anger is not my responsibility. ", Lisa Ramano💯 we truly appreciate your help and the" journel" that you ask us to keep is one of the best resources and helps me immensely. thanks again!
I just LOVE these lol. You are so right instead of trying to convince them of anything it's better to not allow the hooks to get in. I use to say "I hope that one day you can see the good in me" and he immediately would shut down the attack and say "I do see the good in you". Worked every time. These are good ones I can add to my arsenal. Thank you!
I have no clue how this video appeared while scrolling through my subscribers but I'm glad it did. I have lived my life surrounded by Narcissist & never knew they had a 'name' till a year ago. I'm talking about my mom, sister, niece, friends, ex husbands! A Lot of flipping ppl have tried to control my life, tell me how to live, have made me feel unworthy, even Made me think I was losing my mind sometimes. They'd suck the energy right out of me & I would feel completely exhausted and depressed. Now that I know it's not my fault, I've learned to detoxify my life from ppl like this. I'm finally living life in a more relaxed state...connected to my higher self & loving who I am. I'm often told I'm 'Soooooooo approachable' & I honestly believe it's bc I have so much energy within that ppl can feel it and are attracted to that vibration. I control my own power, no one else. I have become stronger knowing who I am. And in return, I am able to love others from a distance...I don't let them in my energy circle to attack me any longer. I really enjoyed your video. I am now a new subscriber. Much Love...💞
I am so blown away by this video that I'm literally in tears .to think of all the time I've had wasted my self-esteem has been obliterated. Your information has fueled my livelihood back to a position where I can possibly begin on reconstructing my life. Thank you so much I love you so much you don't even know.
I concur. Disengage, regroup and then discuss the problem at a calmer moment. Never engage during heated moments. I’m an empathetic and attract narcissistic people but have finally learned how to protect my heart.
I agree. You have a right to disagree with their opinion of you. You do not have to and should never agree with them because they are very sick people. Saying you have no right only empowers the narcissist to become more abusive all around.
I agree. The person who wrote that is talking about a completely different situation. You wouldn't say that to anyone who is not a narcissist - and, it depends on what the person is referring to. The statement alone is not abusive. It's something you could say to a healthy person with some validation added, and under the conditions the other person was NOT referring to something abusive you said or did.
Awesome--he was stumped because when you said that his brain farted! The narcissist's mind works to DOMINATE you emotionally, spiritually and psychologically--by way of making YOU fear what THEY think about you! Once you loose that fear--once you say, "hey--it's totally fine...you are entitled to think what you want" they can no longer exploit you. Of course, if you are dealing with a sadistic, pathological, malignant narcissist who is capable of physical abuse the best decision is to get away as fast as you can without poking the bear. These phrases work best with non-physical narcissists.
How about this one: Your job is nothing, you only work two days every week. | I work from home, and 2 days from office, due to use of database. This work is money he eats, drinks, has paid electricity, and so on. He DOESN’T WORK! You are stupid, you just sit by computer whole days and smoke! | I work also as freelancer since my ex don’t pay alimony, mortgage on which I’m cosigner, and I have 5 people, 2 dogs to feed. When I tell him to leave my house, he threatens that he will kill me, he will take half of house, he will sue me for all what he endured … and again have in mind that he doesn’t work, he is rude with other people, incapable of normal friendship, and blocked all my friends, he doesn’t allow me to drive car which I bought, pay every year for registration, and he is the one who does all the work. You are liar, you are senile, you are this and that … luckily I have 3 kids who see, understand, and can be my rooting in reality. I’m not even considering to go on here when he starts to be physically abusive. I’m unlucky enough to live in shitty country where the law exists but isn’t obliged.
Thinking Wide, If it's your house you should legally be able to kick him out, and if he doesn't leave- call the cops to get him out. Can't call cops? Tell him he's kicked out, and then when he doesn't oblige wait until he's gone and get a moving van to dump all his shit somewhere else. It's your house, the things inside you are free to get outside your house. Change the locks the same day. Make sure you have a sign on the door about where his shit is. Be ready at the phone, ready to dial the police, when he throws a tantrum. I know in America, when you sere someone divorce papers it doesn't matter if they agree or not. Takes some time for it to get filed, go though, get matters settled... but he wouldn't be able to force you legally to revoke it. Optionally, if the house is entirely yours then you can put the house up for sale, start packing things in secret- or have someone close keeps bags for you, and sell the house under his nose. Just disappear one day. Warn the realtor you tried to throw him out but he wouldn't leave and the cops won't oblige you, let them tell him he has to get out. Let me tell you, companies do not fuck around about money. Perhaps have a friend he doesn't know about. I honestly wouldn't want to stay at that spot if he's that violent. Definitely serve divorce papers.
I have said before, when I'm being insulted, verbally berated, verbal abuse with an aim of getting me reactive... "whatever you need to tell yourself to make you feel better ..." 👌
I once told my narc mom "it's not my fault you can't control yourself." Before that she told me something along the lines of "don't make me yell at you in front of all my clients." (this was through the phone) it didn't make anything better.
Change Is Stable it's not about her it's about how you feel about yourself. it's not about controlling her it's about you not getting involved in yet another mindfuck with a crazy person (her).
I totally agree--I would need to make another video on that--which would be quite short--because the answer is to get away as soon as possible and to not turn back. Sending you strength.
I can't say this to my brother in law when he threatens to kill my animals or me because if I did say that he will most likely do it and use that as an excuse saying I agreed to it, he's a psychopath and I can't do anything about it which is really hard
Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc. What about violent manipulative narcissist at work who wait until ur alone to act this way then say it’s ur word against their word and who feel seniority and the heads of the company will back them up.
Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc. There are violent narcissist who cut up drivers licenses and go in ur belongings and rush towards with bald up fist to fight u and cursings then feign it didn’t happen and have enablers to back up the liars. Which is the real reasons others stay in abusive relationships.
I LITERALLY just figured out after 30+ years of racking my brain as to what was wrong with my sister. Realizing she is a narcissist has completely set me free from the emotional turmoil she has caused myself and our mother. It explains EVERYTHING.
My mother was narcissistic and was always ready to put me down about the clothes I wore or the haircut I had. What worked for me was to simply agree with her. The change in my reply was enough to make her stop the cycle and remain befuddled. “Your hair looks shameful.” “It DOES look like it could use some improvement. Look at my sideburns. Do they bother you? What sort of haircut would you like me to have?” “Your shirt makes you look like a queer.” “I know what you mean. They style is really sort of ‘out there’ isn’t it? How do my pants look? How about the length? Do you advise me to wear a belt or wear suspenders?” My new behavior totally interrupted the toxic pattern. My parents ended up just standing there. Totally befuddled.
Oh good job I hope you get to keep practicing these words....This is really awesome and empowering for people like yourself and me who have felt disempowered for a long time....You go your doing a terrific job. :) I liked reading your responses so much!!!
Wow. Thanks, Lesley! I think it’s an honor to hear from you. Great video, by the way. I love learning new ways to communicate, pay attention, appreciate and listen!
Oh bless you James what a lovely person you are and it sounds like your parents can learn a lot from you and your sensitivity. Your response was amazing I only wish I had the opportunity to practice some of this on my Mum who is a narcissist. I would like to have handled it back in a non hurtful way as you did James. Great job and you sound very reflective! I agree great video must write stuff down as I can help myself in future and help others with these words of wisdom from the video!
I miss both my parents now because they have both died. The remarks I learned in dealing with criticism soon changed from a method of battle to a deep recognition that every criticism has a real “kernel of truth.” Admitting to that truth has been liberating for me. I think of aikido, the only martial art that deals with opponents without harming them--blending with another’s energy and redirecting it away from the situation. Lesly, thanks for your generous comments. I can agree that I am striving to be a lovely person--and sometimes I actually reach that goal. But life goes on and is often difficult for all of us. Me included.
Yes! This works. My mother contacted me for the first time in awhile, so I pulled this video up to have it ready. She did the usual name calling, bringing up past things she has done for me, and telling me how awful I was being for not talking to her. I held my breath and replied, "I'm sorry you feel that way." I was expecting her to see through the comment and be even more harsh. But it was like a switch!! She said things like "I enjoyed every second of raising you. I love you and want the best for you. I'm sorry for everything mean I ever said to you." I just laughed out loud as hard as I could. I couldn't believe it actually worked. Lisa is a life saver. I understand I cant get away from a parent like someone can an ex boyfriend or girlfriend. So I may always need to use tricks like this. Once you know their game, it is so easy to play!!
My mother's a narcissist and I'm a push-over. Not only does she snoop through my phone and constantly ask me who I'm in contact with and what I'm talking about, she interrogates me over my facial expressions, my cough that sounded a little too much like an insult, or the "hey mom" that must have had some hidden meaning. I still live at home because of school but I'm twenty years old and I still have to ask "do you mind if I...?" just to go grab a gallon of milk from the store. Every time my sister visits for holidays, my mom texts her constantly to make sure she got to her hotel/friend's safely and has even sent a neighbor to go find her because her phone was off. She goes back to Virginia, my mom stops messaging her. Our neighbors tell me that I'm blessed to have my mother, that she's an "angel on earth", and that I should appreciate her more than I do. I appreciate my mother, she raised me after all, it's just hard to express it when im overhearing her talking smack about me and my siblings on the phone with her friends... She's just difficult. I spent my nineteenth birthday helping her buy materials to make a blanket for her new coworker's baby. I didn't get anything that year. I spent the next birthday with my boyfriends mother and my mom gave me the cold-shoulder and catty remarks like "well why don't you go ask your other mom about that". I've finally started using phrases like "I'm entitled to having my own private thoughts" and they've worked but I'm actually excited to try using some of these. She's recently begun using family-time as bribery and I started leaving the house every time the situation occurs, which I think is some type of growth on my part. This rant wasn't really organized or even necessary but I found reading the other experiences somewhat helpful, so maybe mine will help someone else
your lucky to have realized what type of relationship u have w/ your mother. i was raised by a narcissistic mother/abusive step father. im 49 and 3 months ago went no contact with her but the damage she has done has cost me dearly. from the boy that truly loved me to being allo wed to finish high school or attend collage. they cant change thier ways anymore than thier able to grow extra limbs. good luck to you,hope she loves you
hope you can find a good therapist, dealing with an N parent can be very confusing -- especially for an empathetic person (which is how you seem!), best to figure this out asap and with professional help!
"I still live at home because of school but I'm twenty years old and I still have to ask "do you mind if I...?" Answer YES, you are living in her home, her rules! MOVE OUT ON YOUR OWN or quit complaining about the food and shelter your parent is PROVIDING for you, even though you seem totally UNGRATEFUL. Grow up, move OUT.
Renee M. I was privileged enough to be born into a family that provided food and shelter. But those are not luxuries, they are necessities. I do not need to pay my mother back with my life because she chose to have and raise a child. I didn't ask to be born, that wasn't my mistake (though I am constantly reminded that I am one). I work two jobs to pay for my phone, car, and school fees. I cannot afford to grow up and get out. I am allowed to follow my mother's rules and live under her roof until I can afford to do otherwise. If you're the type to think that verbal/emotional abuse is excused by "I fed you and changed your diapers!", then I worry for your own children. Please, watch this video again and try to reflect on yourself a bit more.
I don't understand why this sort of thing isn't taught at school. Just KNOWING of narcissim and what it's really all about would be so valuable for young people - on BOTH sides of the fence. Call me naive (or lucky) the narcs in my life, I feel, are not aware of their own narcissm, and how they alienate people. Sometimes they're capable of great things. Initially I'd been seeing them somehow as 'subhuman' now I see them more as pathetic, as I dodge the occasional arrows headed my way. I realise that once you realise that this really is a thing for some people (they really ARE somewhere on the narcissistic spectrum....) your'e more able to forgive them, and just let it go. my next challenge is to get them onside with enabling them to become selfaware and maybe even try to fix it. A challenge for them, as apparently that's impossible. I'd imagine they'd like to be able to skite "I USED to be a narcissist, but figured out how to stop being such an ignorant asshole" the whole thing fascinates me. I'm sure evolution has ensured their continued existence in society as they, and their sociopathic/psychopathic friends, would have been the warriors that looked after the group. I'd imagine they'd be a lot quicker to slit the enemy's throat than your average empath. So we need to give them some credit. They had their use. Now sadly they only seem good for politics :/ and we've seen how good THAT is :/
@@lisaaromano1 indeed! How hard would it be to write a children's book on it? "Nigel the narcissist and his gang of flying monkeys" There you go, you could make a million! ☺
@@lisaaromano1 Stranger danger isn't actually real. It's extremely and exceedingly rare. The greatest danger of victimization children face comes from people they know, not strangers. That said, the purpose of public education is to train and prepare young people with the basic skills for jobs when they have become able-bodied adults. Not that I agree with that purpose --but it is why "we" don't.
Thank you very much for this video; you have provided me with much valuable insight. As an adult child of a mother who's been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, I've gone through extreme struggle throughout childhood to this day. Having lost my only sister to suicide--which I referred to as "a wrecking ball of endless size"-- in addition to watching my mother threaten my father with a knife for his not immediately meeting her desires and then telling my sister and myself, "Your father is abusing me" in a marriage finally leading to divorce has been heartbreaking...even more so when my mother showed resistance to all counseling attempts by countless therapists. You brought up a very important factor about this disorder about the narcissist's perception and their own reality. I agree with what someone earlier said about kids not being able to choose their own parents. But narcissistic personality disorder is a mental illness and very sadly, the person diagnosed with it has NO CLUE that they have this diagnosis...some therapists refuse to treat people with NPD because it's considered untreatable. I myself have bipolar disorder, I've accepted it and know that I have to stay on a daily regimen on medication, therapy and keep check of my behavior. I've read some insulting remarks about mental illness including narcissism; people think that it's a luxury...if mental illness is a luxury, it's one that I can live without. Again, many thanks for the insight.
Thanks for this - extremely helpful. Some years ago I was friends with a narcissist and she began chipping away at my confidence and said something so awful it ruined my Christmas and knocked me into a severe depression. Face to face she always seemed to be able to outwit and gaslight me - but I exchanged a series of letters with her in which I proved her to be a liar. Finally being able to do this and reclaim my reality and identity was a wonderful feeling.
I've recently realized my sister is a narc/has narc tendencies and I've been struggling with how to deal with her. Having a family member who is a narc is not the same as being in a romantic relationship with one (been there, done that, got a divorce and went no contact). I know we'll never be friends but because she's family I'll still have to deal with her and these phrases will make it so much easier to gray rock her. Thank u, Lisa!!!
We're all in this together! If we can't get away with a narcissist, we will learn to deal with them and a day will come when it will become a little easier to set boundaries and to feel a little more free from the toxic attachment. My heart goes out to you❤️💙
How the intelligent narcissist replies. 1. "Great. Now what will you do to fix it?" 2. "Except its not faulty." 3. Same idea as 2. 4. "You do need to accept it, that's why I'm telling it to you." 5. "You're right, but your behavior that causes it is, isn't it?"
Your absolutely right and because of this with my mum I have just learnt the avoidance strategy and this annoys her so much she just steps up her rampage until I either agree with her in which case she leaves me alone for a little while before the next thing , or I use one of these responses and she says exactly what you said and then usually escalates it into a full scale attack on how selfish I am so as I can't handle the fight I tend to opt for avoidance (for as long as I can ignore it)
KamakazeTaco this is where you break it and say "you always want to be right." now theyre stuck in the loop of if they respond with no!! or anything, it'll make them look like they want to always be right, therefore proving your point xD
When you encounter one like this...say nothing. They HATE silence because it breaks their power! If you can, physically remove yourself from their presence also. Walk away and BREATHE! :)
Hi Lisa and everyone . I knew around age 8 years old that I was not in a " normal" family as I felt NO LOVE. I could go on and on. However all of this boils down to ONE thing.. This is Evil vs Good, Light vs Darkness, Truth vs lies. In the end. Light overcomes dark, good over evil and Truth always prevails!!
its interesting to me how narc parents allways play the victim, with moms its the angry martyr type, who is singing the song of i did everything for you, whileby they were emotionally cold to their kids, injecting them with guilt trips, and causing emotional pain, and they never loved them trully or allowed them to be their own person, instead they punished each and every time when they shown their uniqueness or dared to say no to something or disagree on something. and then they wonder when their kids finally moove on or are rightfully angry. noone desrves to be abused least of all children, they are not some property for the validation of parents, they are unique children of The Maker of Life who ought to be brought up with structure but also loving kindness nurturing their unique talents.....in reality its all about the perfect heroic image they created of themselves to the outside world, on the outside they are these perfect, poor hardworking, caring and loving and suffering moms ......but at home they never ever EVEN once ask the child about their own feelings, thoughts, needs, wants or care, if they ever do its only to get intel. to use later as leverage against the child. They never love you for you, you must do and be exactly what they want if not there is hell to pay. Please listen to your Intuition and know you are worthy and loved by The Maker of ALL Life, get help and live a happy free life, you need noones permission. You are NOT responsible for these people. You are only responsible for which Treatment you allow. Respect andLove yourself. Step by step each Day. Be gentle with yourself, be the Parent you had allways wanted.
no one really has a normal family and no it doesn't boil down to just evil vs good that's naive thinking and over simplification of life...truth does not always prevail bad people do get away with bad things - all we can do is try our best and be as good as we can be and stick with our morals, values and ethics but hiding our head in the sand helps evil and that is what in my opinion your post offers signed my mother was murdered by my step brother who then got out of jail and doused himself with gas and lit a match...so yeah I know a few things about evil.
@@ramblinrose8 I think you've misunderstood Cher Baker....Perhaps because of the heavy trauma you've endured. I understood her to mean that this is a serious core issue. I didn't feel she was suggesting anybody hide their heads in the sand. I felt she was offering hope to people who may feel like giving up. We NEED to keep going and trusting the good overcomes evil. If you believe that evil wins in the end then your life will carry you in that direction. In spite of what you've experienced so close up and personal, there are a great deal of good people in the world, and of course spiritually, Love overcomes evil. May you experience a complete healing in your life.
Denise Warner-Dodson good one I had a similar incident with my daughter she was on a constant cloud how respect started with her she finally got out of control so I just had to shut her down completely free her of my life birthdays and Christmas everything and she’s feeling it she’s making remarks on how evil I am for shutting her out of my life but my God you can only put up with so much and shutting her down is like a new world opened up no more second-guessing myself being comfortable in knowing I was right and her Write was really wrong.
"Cool story bro" always made the ex-narc so angry, lol! No matter what he said that was hateful ( ie. I don't love you 👉🏾"Cool story bro". I'm leaving you👉🏾"Cool story bro.") it always shut him down. He'd call me crazy or stupid and just walk away super upset and annoyed! #TRYit🤣
A narcissist will go ballistic and crazy when they don't get the response they are forcing. Being calm and logical and not showing emotion disarms them.
OMG Missus !!! Thank you 🌹 Found your videos in my feed and just started watching them... .... I know the Universe made me find you, because I prayed hard for help as I was trying to fall asleep last night.. I have lost so much sleep I don't even know how to sleep properly anymore, since I had my first baby nearly 12 years ago, and especially now.. I prayed hard for help.. You came along ✨(Thank you , Heavens and whatever good is out there ) I split with the father of my children over 7 years ago, and whilst we were able to co-parent for some 5 years amicably, the last two years have been hell.. my boys live with him now, and whilst I have been aware of my own faults and traits.. he is unaware of his, and he went and married another , within 4 months of divorcing me, and she is unaware too and influencing him.. and he has surrounded himself with people who actively want to hurt me.. for whatever their traits dictate, to suit his issues with me. The last video of yours helped me put things into real perspective.. my feelings, my needs, I lost myself completely when I had children and our relationship derailed.. or rather the tyres went flat and we had a head-on collision. There was no salvaging the wreck. He has been preventing our children from seeing me at all (although because there is no Court Order in place he can't actually stop me altogether). However he has his own agenda.. has done from day one. I have been sick and tired of pouring money into solicitor's "conversation" that basically has gone nowhere.. My children miss me, and my mum , their Mamó 😔 Your videos have helped me so much today.. I know how to take my power back and let him know he has no power over my good nature anymore. My children need me and your words, I know, are going to get them back to me, regardless of his desire to control everything to suit him. Thank you, thank you, from the very bottom of my heart 🥰 xx
Jennefer Cameron excellent suggestion. In appreciation. Your comment is helpful for me , im dealing with a Narcissist coworker and what you wrote helped me and will use this. I appreciate you💝
@@ramblinrose8 They made the deathbed they lie about. And if they were such a good parent, how come their kid has to wonder whether or not to talk to em on that bed? Rose, this is one of the most common lies of theirs. And if it isn't, its not your fault they wouldn't apologize.
I actually wrote these down and cannot WAIT to use them: on my mother, at work, and anywhere there are difficult people! Such wonderful replies! I am in the nursing profession. You have no idea how handy these phrases will be for passive aggressive nurses. Thank you, Lisa. :)
I'm sorry you feel that way" "I can accept your faulty perception of me " "I have no right to control how you see me" I guess I have to accept how you see me" "Your anger is not my responsibility" These quotes are extremely powerful Lisa ....I only used 1 it's totally working..
@@nainwalgaurav Relationships like that are called co dependent. Not healthy but it works for the co dependents until something awful happens or they wear each other out.
Oh Lisa, I wish I knew of you last year. ALL of my siblings are malignant narcissists and made my life a living hell. I so would have liked to have had the insights I have now. "I accept your faulty perception of me" would have destroyed my sister, who was always projecting her faults onto me. :-) Looking forward to working through all your videos. Thank you.
why would you want to destroy your sister...people are capable of change and it is true that you cannot force someone to change but its possible to show them the way thru example...i helped my sister find her path to peace love and oneness by EXAMPLE i agree you need to know when to back off so you are not drained but it doesnt mean you can lead by example
My sister thought it was okay not to tell me our mother was close to death, so I was denied the chance to say see her and goodbye. Then I was kept in the dark about funeral arrangements and told I wasn't welcome. Eventually I found which funeral director was being used, but he had already been told by my family I wasn't welcome, so I wasn't allowed to visit my mother in death either. After a week my sister relented and told the funeral director I could visit our mother, but by now her body had deteriorated and I was strongly advised not to. The family hadn't paid for embalming. My family are truly disgusting. Talking of peace and love for my sister is fine and dandy, and one day I might wish that for her, but until then she can do one. I'm glad you were able to help your sister. Frankly, mine is beyond help.
Andrew Hudson I only showed her a better way of thinking so that she could become the best expression of who she is...she had to do it on her own...I could understand why death would be hard to deal with when you believe it is the end...it is simply a process just like the process of water changing states... Peace and love i wish you comfort and acceptance.
also,this caused him to imagine being abandoned..then came the anger while i kept a cool head.i don't need to develop some ridiculous abandonment issue over a person who was never there to begin with...Believe me, he hates that.
From my experience, using these phrases actually incited a volatile reaction from my dad. He got so incredibly angry that I was saying I didn't agree with his opinion and he launched into criticism. So... I've learned not to say anything. Let them keep talking and find a way to exit without really saying anything. The key to that is embodying those concepts like "your anger is not my responsibility," and "I can accept that, that is how you feel," etc but saying them outloud is really lighting a fire and giving them more fuel to use against you.
Yes it totally frustrates them that you are taking the higher ground & they are determined to force you to their level where they can hurt you more. They are mean relentless fighters. Wounded souls
Just give them that Woody Allen line from the movie Annie Hall. "Um, yeah, I have to go now. I'm due back on planet Earth." And then walk away. Because what the narc is saying to you is probably just as batshit crazy as what Duane said to Woody Allen in that scene.
Jean-Paul Sartre that's EPIC!! thank you, totally using that! I've told him before that he's from another planet and normal people aren't wired that way
Peoples opinions of you are *their* opinions. And what they say doesnt make it true. Detach from their opinions of you cause it isnt true. This video switched a lightbulb on for me.
right on!! spot on!! that is EXACTLY "IT" even our own opinions of ourselves isn't the complete picture is it?!! I am the kind of girl who really gets bored with opinions anyway...I don't care about them as much as what people DO!! Great Post!
My ex was and still is a narcissistic pathological liar. I was with him on and off for 4 years. I met him when I was 19. I wasted so much time thinking that he loved me. I gave him more chances than he deserved. Because he was my first serious relationship I ignored all the signs. He was controlling and emotionally abusive - always making me feel inadequate, self-conscious, and yet simultaneously terrified of losing him. I was young and naive. He even told me that once... how innocent I was. I suppose that's what made me such an easy target. I looked at him like he could do no wrong, but the truth is he did so much wrong. He let me down too many times to count and every time I let it slide. He told me what I wanted to hear just to keep me around for his own satisfaction. But somewhere between the giddy first dates and falling for him, something else happened. I don’t know exactly when, but toxicity crept in. And the self-doubt, manipulation, desperation and rigidity that grew over the next four years... so intense that I completely lost myself. For every high there was a lower low, and the cycle quickly spun out of control. It wasn’t your fault that I was young, naïve, and didn’t know what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like, but you were supposed to show me. It wasn’t your fault that I let you call the shots, but you were supposed to make me feel like you valued my opinion. It wasn’t your fault that I went through personal challenges in the years we were together, but you were supposed to support me. And you didn’t. I was so blinded by wanting us to be perfect, that I didn’t notice how unhappy I was. I’m still sifting through the distortions I have, trying to figure out which are my own, and which he put in my head. He could make me the happiest woman in the world but he also had the ability to change that in a heartbeat and make me the saddest. At first, he made me so incredibly happy and treated me in such a way a girl dreams about but once he knew that I would have done anything for him, he changed. He was no longer the sweet man I once knew. He was very manipulative, made me always feel like I was overreacting. He took apart my personal life and insecurities and used it against me. No one has ever hurt me as much as he has. It wasn't like anything I've ever experienced before because loving him was a sad, dark and lonely place. I never realized how hateful and despiteful he really was. In the process of loving him I lost myself. My eyes were always swollen from crying and my mind was constantly exhausted from overthinking that something was wrong with me. I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough. I gave him my pure heart in the palm of his selfish hands and he completely shattered it without a care in the world. Even caught him cheating on me. Then he went around telling everyone that it was me who cheated on him to save his ego. Had his so called "friends" calling me a slut and every degrading word imaginable. Later on he found someone new within the matter of a few months. I actually felt worried for her like I need to warn her before he hurts someone else like he did me. I reached out to her and told her everything he put me through, that I was concerned she was just another one of his victims he found online. That I had no intentions of sabotaging their relationship. She seemed greatful for the warning you know "girl code" and all. A few days later she must have confronted him about it because he sent me the most yet again another hateful cruel message. This time I knew his tricks not to be hurt by his words or believe his lies. He even went as far as to talk about my miscarriage I had and that it was too bad that car didn't hit me harder. (I was hit by a car on my bike when I was 13) That he wished me dead. All because I exposed him for the terrible person he really is. If you challenge a narcissist's delusional world of power and control with the truth of who they really are, expect them to retaliate with lies and slander. They will try to destroy your reputation so that you will never be believed. I only wish there was someone there to warn me 4 years ago. I never expected to fall in love with someone like that, I'm even ashamed of myself for letting it go on as long as it did. I was always told there are those out there who will stab you and leave you for dead then pretend like their the ones bleeding. That's a good example of him, because that's exactly what he did to me. However I took care of the wounds he inflicted on me and came back even stronger. I may have been foolish but being a fool made me smarter... And I look back confused as to why I tolerated it. But sometimes when someone enters your life, it’s like a hurricane, you didn’t see coming. Then they leave abruptly, and you are left to pick up the pieces, of all they left behind. More than wondering how you got in the eye of the storm, you stand grateful, that you even survived it in the first place. I now see that the trial I went through was something else entirely. Without realizing it, I was building someone new, someone better, out of the girl you thought you destroyed. Slowly, this new girl of immense strength emerged from a place I didn’t know existed. She was stronger, wiser, and more protective of her heart than the naïve girl you seduced with your poisoned words. No, she’ll never be as open or trusting as she was with you, and that’s a shame. She is, however, more than you ever deserved. I thought I was weak. I thought I was broken. I was wrong. But I know one thing. He didn’t and will never deserve me. I have one thing he never will. And that’s compassion.
You have to get away from them, the ONLY way. These phrases are apologetic & who wants to keep apologizing for someone's else's controlling & self-centered behaviors?
Can I just say thank you! You have given me some verbal expressions of dealing with my MIL. OMG. So freeing. I will see her at a baby shower next weekend, and we've had some major issues recently with her. THANK YOU!!!!
girl, that is a sad, sad haiku that summarizes my hellish life perfectly. 50 years spent suffering and never knowing why because she IS that slick at blaming others and covering her tracks. ONe day, you wake up and your life is over and it's beyond gut-wrenching. It's f___ing heartbreaking. IT's all gone. It was all spent under her control and torment. I can't get it back and i have to LIVE with this. THIS is hell. And she's still around, living like a queen, popping into my life at times. she's 76 but will go on forever cuz the shitty ones always do. I had the tiny hope of inheriting big money, but who can wait for her to shove off ? she'll stay out of spite. This sucks. To get her queenly life, she sucked the life out of three close relatives and got all their goods, real estate, pensions, etc..... so the small shred of a chance at this BIG pile keeps me hanging around. I feel that there should be some compensation for the lives she's shattered and ruined. Other people tell me to not wait for a cent. Easy for them to say --- i don't even have a dollar right now. So, she's still exerting her control freak ways on me, and will do so from beyond even. She is not a mother. She never was. i call her satan. She merits that fully. Can't there be a Go fund me page for people who are crippled and ruined by malignant narcissists ? That's where i'm at. I may try, cuz it's the God's truth. I need help.
What is your peace of mind and emotional well-being worth? It is just as likely that in one final act of spite, she will leave it all to someone else or charity. They often do. Then you will feel even more bitter, used, and angry, because you continued to allow the abuse for one final kick in the teeth. Don't put off living your life now in the hopes of some material reward that is likely never to happen. You do have the power to free yourself. That power is worth more than anything money can buy. I have been dirt poor, almost in the street poor, rather than accepting the strings my Nparents help would bring, and it was still better than being beholden to them. I wish you peace and the strength to walk away. Until you do, you are going to stay miserable.
Lisa A. Romano - You don't know me, but you saved my life and I cannot thank you enough. I kept these key phrases saved in my phone for over a year and used them every time my narcissistic, sociopath husband began his attack. I used these phrases and maintained a "grey rock" appearance for a year. I was no longer "fun" to play with, and no longer entertainment to him. He could no longer "win". After 17 years of living in fear, and never knowing if I would live to see the next day, he quietly walked away. That was 5 months ago and I've been "no contact" since the day he left. Me and my children are finally safe and living in peace. Life has never been better. Thank you a million times Lisa💖
I am so sorry for your experiences. My heart hurts for you. Im glad you are finally free! ❤️
Has he tried to come back and try his tactics again?
@@A-X-25 well well, arent u quite the jackass narcissist yourself
Who asked?
Is one
@@sphereguanzon2217 😅
Omg my narcissist neighbour gave me a full blown lecture, I told her, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” And then she just said, “ you know what? Leave.” We were in my house😂😂😂
HOLY HANNAH!!!!!! That is so funny!
Too funny. I can't stop laughing!
🤣👍
Lmao 😂 you totally confused the enemy
Jessica Ley loooool love that
Another phrase that freaks out a narcissist is “I’m not responsible for your happiness “
I keep telling him.
Yes. Thank you.
Omg I love this thank u
That can infuriate rather than disarm?
Yes well in my case it does not work you see It is my son ‼️😊So I am the one supposed to be responsible for his actions, I know it is a manipulation tactic but it is not nice to hear it over and over again ‼️🤴🏻
My heart goes out to everyone reading this who is stuck dealing with a malignant narcissist. God bless you all and may your future grow better and better, one little victory at a time until the day you are free from your narcissist.
I am currently and have been for 30 years. I'm at a point in my life and the age I am where something has got to change. Since he has gotten so bad I am unwilling to waste anymore time and life!
Taylor Moffitt Halydean: Thank you for such kind, encouraging and supportive words that came at a needed time. I have come to realize my counselor of more than 13 yrs. is a covert, passive aggressive, narcissist. Working on getting away. Thanks again.
I'm so nervous and my defense is on high alert my husband has a narcissist mother and sister who just slam me when I'm there mom can get all 8 siblings to join in they spin up my husband this is the only time we've ever argued. I have to go a family gathering in the middle of a Pandemic of course mom not going miss her 55th wedding family reunion she needs her fix i know she is going to go after me. I am the truth teller and realist also im a peace keeper you can't make peace in a Dysfunctional family they want caos and fights so for 6yrs ive stayed away now i have to go. Maybe ill just stay in the car read a book and don't catch covid19 from these idiots help i don't want to go threw this hell why should I. I hate the way they make me feel angry and frustrated everytime I do go and my hubby changes into a different person too.
@@pnw_mainecoons6633 Don't go. Tell them you have a cough and fever and it might be COVID-19. Everybody will be happier if you stay at home, but especially you. You have nothing to gain by going..
@@hmf130 I dove for 2 hours on my way there when I got there my husband told me to turned around and go back home. I found out his narcissist mother didnt like being questioned and bull face lies he broke them apart to show they are impossible and untrue asked to fide some kind of peace he wants to see his dad. His mom went crazy angry kicked her son out of the family for not seeing things her way So she decided banished my husband and I from his family.
I felt so relieved but my heart breaks for my husband but Im so happy it had nothing to do with me but I never have to go back. Thank God I know these videos helped my husband way more than you know
thank you
I just tell him, "Tell yourself whatever you need to in order to make yourself feel better but we both know the truth."
rock Or her. There are PLENTY of female narcissist too.
@@chandlerwhite8302 Of course, I was speaking about my experience.
I LOVE THIS 👏 Thank you
This was a phrase I used with an ex partner who used gaslighting to the point where they didn't know or care what the truth was. In my experience with narcissists, they will use those words as a challenge to see who is the most "woke" about the truth between the two of you. They are stimulated by the idea of messing with the truth because their morality regarding lying is not the same as most others'. My suggestion would be not to challenge them about who knows what the truth is.
Good one.
1-I’m sorry that you feel that way.( they know what to do)
2~ I can except your faulty perception of me
3~ I have no right to control how you see me.
4~ I guess I have to accept how you feel
5~ Your anger is not my responsibility.
Thank you 📝
I had no idea my older sister was a narcissist. She's almost 80 years old and im almost 70. It wasn't until I looked up what kind of person hangs up on you in the middle of a conversation and the blocks you so you can't ask them what happened. I'm still playing the game. I called her after a couple of months and the phone rang. I was in shock. She answered and said "How did you get thru? I was taken back by that cuz how else could have I gotten thru? I'm hoping to learn more from Lisa Romano, she has been a godsend
Omg thank you!!!
This is great! Thank you!
Narcissists employ this language too, especially 'I'm sorry you feel that way.'.
I used "I can accept your faulty perception of me" on my mother. To which she said, "it's not a 'faulty' perception', EVERYONE thinks that way, too" (projection). I said. "I'm sorry you feel that you feel that way" (roared with laughter inside) She said, "You have always been this, that, and the other (I won't say her exact accusations in an open forum). To which I said, "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way." She said, "Can't you think of something more original than THAT? I said, "I guess I have to accept how you see me." She said, "You are such a little...." (yes, she still calls me nasty names at age 50). To which I said I said, " Your anger is not my responsibility, Mom. Bye!" What a conversation! It's Christmas and narcissistic rage is in full swing! Thank you, Lisa.
I love that she could NOT get to you--and I am so so sorry this is your experience...you deserve much better...
MIFNP I am sorry you went through this but love this response! I am so glad you stood up to her in this manner! I hope you continue to find freedom from your mother's behavior. Many blessings and happy holidays... 💖💖💖💖💖
MIFNP this is brilliant. Good job:) I'm going to try it on my step mum :) she loves to send me long text messages telling me what she thinks of me.
It's this bs that turns males queer..
That would be the last time I talked to my mother
I have a really good one. My narc dad asked me "Do you think I drink too much beer"? I turned and looked him square in the face and said " If you have to ask me that question then, you must believe it yourself". The look on his face went from FULL ATTENTION to FULLY DUMBFOUNDED. It was great.
My mother turned to me one day and said "Do you think I am a gossip?" I said "I don't think, I know!!"
Here's 1 of my favorites: I DONT RESPECT YOU ENOUGH 2 CARE WHAT YOU THINK.
Agree. Narcissists need to be confronted, told their behavior is unacceptable, and informed that they need professional help.
😂
Unfortunately for then they don't really make us feel any respect for them.
Wow, wow, wow… That is heavy heavy heavy! I love this, this strikes it’s very deep!❤️🔥
Woah,thats tough😬
Today i told my husband,he should become more aware of what words he chooses in a conversation,so we have less confusion.
I can't tell you how many times my Narcissistic mother has told me that I am rude and disrespectful and should be ashamed of myself.
What I know about the narcissist is that they love the fight. Any response from you is read by them as engaging with them. Never engage them. Learn to pivot, physically, emotionally and verbally. What's worked for me is distance. Distance is stepping back from their chaotic force field by going to another place whether it be another room, finding something that will support a change in your emotional state or cutting off the verbal exchange with them. Get off their playground! They can't stand it. Distance helps you regain your balance and lets them know that you aren't going to engage with them on their level. Remember, pigs love slop, you're the one who will get dirty.
Actually this is just one of those typical dealing with a narcissist things where no matter what you do, you cannot win. “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
For example:
them: if we are going to afford this new house, you will need to work more hours or find a job that pays better
Me: starts a career and moves from part time to full time
Them: your not available for my needs when I think you need to be available. I need you at my disposal so I can do what I want when I want. And the dishes were not done by 6 today so now I’m going to slam them around making everyone aware about how Upset I am about doing dishes no one asked me to do.
A different day
Them: what’s wrong?
Me: I have a bad migraine
Them: you should really take the day off if you don’t feel good
Me: Yea your right ok
A few months later
Me: not feeling good w a migraine, Laying down not going to work.
Them: (defensively) are you not working today?
Me: I will probably just take the day off I don’t feel good
Them: stomps off and silent treatment
So as you see no matter what you do to appease them or keep them satisfied you can’t win. Therefore, during a confrontation w them, sure distancing self is ideal and the safest option but if you dont engage and ignore them walking away, that can feed their narcissistic rage as well plus leaving that open end of the argument only allows them to fill in the blanks of not respecting your boundaries. So I accept creative ways to be vocal about these boundaries without being a participant involved in the arguments. But either way, you can’t win w these people. The only thing that will ever change your response to them is just focusing on making sure you don’t change yourself such as committing spiteful acts in retaliation to their spiteful deeds or being easily triggered. I always say we set the example of how we expect to be treated by others regardless of their treatment of us. So even if someone isn’t giving me the respect I deserve I will still model that respect in order to honor who I am. We really hate when we get this silent treatment from them so it doesn’t hurt to basically say, I’m wiping my hands clean of your perception of this situation. And then walking away. With that being said, it is ok to distance ourselves as need so we don’t react out of character for us. Now I am just rambling lol forgive me
That’s what I used to do with my ex/kids father he is textbook definition of a narcissist and it drives me, my sister and a few of my friends crazy how in the first 3 years he showed little traits here and there but everyone has a narcissistic moment every now and then but as soon as we had our son he got comfortable enough to show his true face and also started drinking and doing coke so he would let his Narcissism let loose full throttle that’s when I started seeing how BAD his Narcissism is after being attacked and him flipping the script on me and literally telling me horrible things he has done to me I actually did too him and tell me I did things that’s not in my character at all but is 100% completely his character and he has even gotten violent with me and broke bones breaking up with him was hard because he always acted as if I was just talking because I’m mad I completely stopped sleeping with him made sure when he was home to go lock myself in my room and then made it where he slept on the couch and everytime he would talk to create an argument I would not even respond at all for about a year before he finally realized I’m done and I had to force him out my house it was crazy but since he’s been gone I have felt a peace that I needed more then I can begin to express and now after 10 years of him I don’t want a relationship at all I’m happy being alone for the first time i enjoy my own company and am finally opening my eyes to what negative self destructive things my depression and anxiety has allowed me too do to myself
Very true. They want you to engage and when they are ignored, they get crazy.
Very wise words. Narcissists are toxic, dangerous and destructive people who need to be managed wisely.
@@astridlove2327 you're right
Actually "I'm sorry you feel that way "is a standard narcissist response to someone they've wronged and refuses to apologize to.
My abusive narcissist ex would never say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Probably because it sounds too much like "I'm sorry". Normally the narcissist doesn't care how you feel at all, because your feelings don't really matter since you "have so many issues" and are just "too sensitive".
My narc said this often
Yeah, I don't like that one either because it brings you down to their level... You are lying that you're sorry (unless someone more mature than I can feel sympathy for someone harming them in the moment)
NPC Slayer Oh that is sooo true! Not only does it make the conversation end, but the narc gets to dismiss any responsibility for what he has done. Infuriating!
I was thinking the same thing. My bf would say this a lot and actually admitted he said it because he wasn't sorry because he didn't feel he did anything wrong, he was sorry I felt the need to feel like I did after his abuse. 🙄 It's never their fault.
I’m an empath and I’ve been attracting narcissistic men. I just got home from a date and I’m sure he was a narcissist. DODGING THAT BULLET!!!! Thank you so much for your videos Lisa.
I've had the same problem with women. Set your standards HIGH and be patient! I dodged a bullet with a prospective business partner and felt like, "BOOYAH! IN YOUR FACE EVIL GUY!" lol
its a good thing thst u realiized this so quickly!
What was the tale sing might I ask? Genuinely curious
GOOD for you!
You can end up being with a healthy minded individual. Being an Empath may mean that various type of people will be drawn to you. Because they are looking for someone to minister to them or soothe them if you will. But it don't mean that is the only type of people that you will ever attract, just use the knowledge that you have learned from these type of videos. To help you pull away from people that you see that may have that in them and go from there. Seek counseling if you feel as though you need healing in certain areas. That helps a lot. I pray that all is well with you in Jesus name. Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen.
After years of narcissistic abuse the best way is just to act stupid. You can't argue with a fool. Make them repeat their statements as much as you can, pretend not to understand what they are saying, change the topic. Just act weird lol 😂 they don't like weirdos cuz weirdos can't feed them.
Wow. This is accurate. Possibly narc mom makes the most disgusted commentary about "weirdness." It bothers her so much.
This makes me giggle so much!!!!
Actually. Brilliant 😂
Play dumb and deaf lol works for me 90% of the time.
I have often used..."I know I am so stupid I just don't know how you could bear even being with me"
I have used every single one of these phrases with my narcissistic sister and they WORK.....immediately. I'll never forget how stonewalled she was the first time I said, "I'm sorry you don't like me, I hope you choose to change your mind".....she took off (as usual) and for the first time, I let her.
I felt really guilty at first, after that subsided I felt triumphant, like I finally stood my ground.
It's worth the initial discomfort.
Thank you Lisa!
Love this!
love that one thanks
Misssixty510 my sister is narcissist , my sister is soooooooo draining and mean and spiteful and angers if you don't agree with her.
KATHERINE BE I know, it's so hard to have the wall up with siblings. I was inclined to believe my sister for so many years because we grew up together, and I both empathized with her (never ending) anger, violent outbursts, smear campaigns and understood deeply where those behaviors came from, there's nowhere in our youth where she'd have learned any other behavior. She's all I have as far as family.
At the end of the day it's not our job, responsibility, or place to hold toxic energy or emotions for anyone. Nothing has been harder or felt better than letting go.
As a matter of fact I lost a lot of faux friends when I started speaking up for myself and trying to have more intimate connections.
I'm sorry that your at this crossroad, but I really hope things work out for the best for you, we deserve to have people in our lives who love, respect and see us ❤️.
My sister is a narcissist too! I'm so glad I found this thread. I was starting to feel like I was the only one suffering with a narc sister (who's also my fraternal twin). It took me my whole life to finally realize that she was this way, that I'm not the crazy one. It was difficult, but I can't tell you how amazing it felt to finally let her go. I feel like I'm finally starting to live for myself. I actually feel free, happy.. But at the same time it sucks to talk about my twin this way..
A former friend who I finally realized is a narc would insult me by telling me how to think, what to do, how to feel, what’s wrong with me. etc. I finally said “your opinion of me is none of my business” and you could see he was completely thrown off balance.
Love that.
This is my coworker,she’s awful.
@@SK22000 Workplaces need Zero Tolerance for Narcissists. Narcissists should be required to take ongoing psychotherapy until they improve greatly, or they have to resign. Narcissists destroy companies and create job loss for many people.
Niiiiiiiiiice
And that was no friend , if they were doing that!
after everything you went through, after so much pain, you had the strength to go through it all and find your role in the world - to help people. you are an incredible woman, strong, spiritually beautiful, thank you for existing. God bless you
My spouse has narcissistic tendencies (not diagnosed). He constantly tells me who I am and misrepresents my actions and thoughts. I give him the same response each time “It’s perfectly fine with me that you feel that way”. And, it’s absolutely true. I’ve learned not to allow others to define me after dealing with him for over a decade. I don’t have to defend my character because I’m with myself at *ALL* times. It’s absolutely absurd when someone tries to tell you what you did as if you weren’t there.
I tried for 9 years to make a relationship work with that person, but they will never change. If they can't love you, leave. Go find someone capable of love.
I. Agree. Totally
Very wise words.
💯
"We don't have the right to control someone's reality nor does someone else have the right to control our reality." Good words to live by Lisa!!! So great when we can get past the faulty information.
OMG!!! "I can accept your faulty perception of me"!! This is GOLD! I'm dealing with a nightmare of client right now and this just put me in a happy place.
I always use, "What other people think of me is really none of my business". That one shuts'em up pretty quickly.
That's awesome! I think what many abuse survivors struggle with---is with holding onto themselves once attacked. These types of phrases can help.
I once interrupted a narc sibling mid rant with, 'Are you done, yet?' That worked really quickly, too. The fury clearly mushroomed in her expression that I'd dared disrespect her by not submitting to her intended manipulations, but she was left speechless.
My ex was a narcissist. At the end after I left and he started calling me and saying it was all my fault, I said, "It's okay for you to feel that way. I understand. It is all my fault." Not that I cared. lol. He just beat me down so much for so long that I just didn't care anymore at all what he thought. I take full blame just never make me have to see your face again! lol.
TheBerkeleyBeauty Cali Girl good one..
TheBerkeleyBeauty Cali Girl ....lol..i heard this remark for the first time...3 days ago..nails it !!!
It's amazing the clarity that you get after your relationship with that narcissist leaves your life! The most important thing to remember is that a narcissist is a predator looking to assert dominance and control over your kindness and caring. No amount of explaining to them what they did to hurt you will make them understand or care. They are not wired like a normal person, and the situation will never get better. Talking about your feelings with a narcissist is kind of like explaining Quantum Field Theory to a 2 year old - except a 2 year old might try to listen. There is only one person that a narcissist loves - themselves and no one else - their ego has no room for anyone else. Just remember that it is not your fault - if you have had the unfortunate experience of being with a narcissist - you were targeted and the victim of a long-con. I speak from personal experience and it has taken me over a year to feel like me again - but I am stronger for this experience and my boundaries have become A LOT MORE DEFINED! Just remember that a healthy relationship is about compromise and equal give and take. A healthy relationship does not do the silent treatment for days and weeks on end, does not try to gaslight you, and does not stand you up when you have made plans together.
c thompson you're a good person for trying to help them, but unfortunately that person never existed. They were a person putting on a false persona so that they could ingratiate themselves into your life. That ideal person never existed. They tuned into what you wanted and needed so that they could hurt you... because that's what gives them power in knowing that they can illicit such emotions from you. They're predators looking for a giving purpose one step away from psychopathic killers. It's best to stay away from them no matter how cute or gorgeous they might seem. If they have dead eyes and don't listen to you and your concerns... WALK AWAY!
c thompson And this will never change,no matter how much you try,or give chances. It will come again as the they r working on it, but it is a lie, to let them back. I did it so many times,reaching the point allowing them to disrespect my own values - as simple as respectful behaviour. There is no flipping chance one will live normally in such degrading,disfunctional relationship. Do not listen to all sweet talk,to all plans for future,because that will never happen,simply you won't be able to endure the abuse that long.
c thompson there's a song called poem to a horse. It has to do with these kind of people.
I would ask him to have written and signed his promisses. Than you would have proof that that was him who did not want contact with his children. It may help a lot, even in the court, when he, in future, will want to decide about his children and control them, and you this way.
Sterling Lombard “except a 2 yr old might try to listen!” Hahaha! Well said! In fact,all of your comments are spot on. No,a healthy loving relationship does Not have these qualities. Wish I had woke up to that sooner. Foolish naive codependent me! But I am a wiser man now. I set the boundaries down early now. And stick to them. Recently,I quit seeing a woman after only 2 weeks. I started seeing the warning signs. Since then,she has called me twice. And text me twice. I ignored her completely. Why bother trying to explain anything to them. Don’t do a lick of good. I’m just so glad I finally got educated about narcissism.
Very good tips. Thank you. One thing to keep in mind, disarming a narcissist can also anger them to the point of blackmailing you and if that don't work they will resort to telling others lies about you without thought of what the consequences would be or hurt they cause others. They become desperate when they realize they no longer have control.
Once we realize we feel attraction for a narcissist, then we MUST realize that this happens because we have an urgeent need to fix something inside ourselves! Healing is required, and, I'm so glad to tell you, it's possible
I concur ... I've red and I've red and I've listened material on NPD until I've found out the big why? ... "to right the wrong that it has been done to us growing up ... to make it right!"
@@lillydragu3277 please suggest me some material that I can read or watch video lectures or anything..it is a problem with me..why I get attracted to a girl who uses me for making her life better
How can we fix it within ourselves?
@@prateeksrivastava6026 reading books is useful, no doubt about; but still, we need to get in touch with our deep self and find, in our past, where, when and who did something very hurting to us... the moment we "printed" in our brains and hearts that, in order to be loved, we must give, give and give, limitless...
@@prateeksrivastava6026
Hi Prateek, I've came to that realization from Shahida Arabi's book: "Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare", who covers the topic beautifully, while answering the big question: WHY?
My favourite line is: I believe you believe that's true.
My answer, Tell me why I am wrong. I believe you believe what you say is true., but that doesn't make it true just because you believe to be so. Does it?
I might be right and you are the that is wrong, right?
I prefer “we’ll have to agree to disagree”. It’s honest, straight forward and avoids “side ways” communication.
My narc uses this on me when I call him out on his behaviour!
My favorite is....i know ! I think u r right?!
But i gotta go....(walk away and never look back)
😂😂😂😂
Im a codependent 14 year old living with a narcissistic mom. I used to always cry and run away from my mom but now your videos helped me understand and control the damage my mom throws at me. Thank you
If you are 14 year old teenager the word codependent seem to be misplaced. But if so - be careful in your future relationships - you have a much higher chance to fall for very dysfunctional people - especially if you do not know what to look for *. There are books I can recommend you Robin Norwood: Women who love too much (it also applies to men) a lot about codependency. And I saw some reviews about Susan Forward Toxic Parents (again don't get scared by the word "toxic".
* signs of dysfunctional men - Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (male counselor.
You must continue to stay strong!!
Madeline Luke such a young age to b dealing with this! But what impressed me with ur comment was u wanted to understand! Not just to have the words or maturity to deal with ur mum! Wise head on young shoulders!
Careful, when they lose power they fight harder to hurt you. My mother did
+christine M ... exactly!
they also say "I'm sorry you feel that way".
I have found that they DO NOT like to be ignored. God forbid you don't answer on the ring or reply to a text as quick as they would like... look out.
Shannon Allen my covert step monster says that as well. I think she got that line from one of her narc kids.
I didn't answer my phone to my ex-gf on purpose.. the problem about being in a relationship for almost 3 years with her where my bad choices after breaking up.. it was like I wanted to revenge from all the damage she did to me.. be carefull with yourself people! I'm fine now but I did transform into the person my narcissist gf described.. This is bad because if she finds out is giving her all the credits... be as normal and balanced as you can be when going out from a relationship with a narcissist
Shannon Allen My ex used to get really angry with anyone who didn't answer their phone!! Glad he is in my past.
That's my husbands ex. Back to back calls/voicemails/texts.. from mulitple phones and blocked numbers. By the time you are in a place where you can talk you have literally 45 texts/calls in the span of an hour. threats. you name it. You would think someone died. Nope. she just wants to tell you off about the medication she suspects a child missed, but an hour or two later, she realizes he didn't miss it when she counted the pills. It's exhausting.
So, I feel you. Luckily, you don't have to keep contact with him/her.
It's hard to push away the narcissist you love.. Breaking up with my ex was one of the hardest things because I wanted to help her but I didn't feel nor have the resources to do so.. I was no longer interested, my love was transformed into apathy.
My heart goes out to every person who is tied into a romantic relationship with a narcisisst. Best advice; get out and away from it as soon as possible. GET AWAY is the best you can do and life will open up before you thereafter. X
I finally told my mother "Your emotional well-being is not my responsibility". That shut her up
puppymamalisa although all of her life, your emotional well being was her priority.
puppymamalisa thats juste kind of mean
Do you know what emotional neglect is? It is when parents have no such priority. Repaint your rose glasses.
Love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said the same thing to my Mom oh boy I have told her many thing that shut her up.....I am free from her but I still have to live with her...long story ....:( but I am my owner not her!!! god it only took 53 years to do it!!! Bravo
aminini It's strange you're on this video and have no experiience with a narcissist. Telling that to a narcissistic mother is incredibly brave and hard. And no, a narcissist mother never has her child's emotional well being in their mind, that's what normal mothes are like.
I am a therapist (licensed MFT and Doc of Psychology). Personally, I like these phrases. Not only does it extinguish the manipulation the narcissist is attempting, but it keeps the victim of the narcissist from falling into the trap. And acknowledges something that is true... we DON'T have the power to tell someone how to view us. Refuse to play the game. (then... probably best to run... in most cases.)
Are you saying all this because your a licensed MFT and DOC of Psychology, when you're just repeating what Lisa described??? Ahhhhhhhhhhh?????? mmmmmmm???
Arlene Robinson man I need to do this!
If you are in a romantic relationship with a narcissist--you can only save yourself--so going no contact is best albeit difficult. This video is not about changing them--it is about sending the message that 'I know you are a narcissist--I know your game is about trying to control me--I must hold onto myself--and send the clear message--that although I hear you--I am NOT taking your stuff on."
Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc. how do you go no contact when coparenting (truly parallel parenting) 3 kids?
You do and say as little as possible with the narc ex spouse. Absolutely as little as possible or you find a mediator like a friend who can work as a go between for you.
1. i'm sorry you feel that way...
2. i can accept your faulty perception of me...
3. i have no right to control how you see me...
4. i guess i have to accept how you feel...
5. your anger is not my responsibility...
JJ DKaw THANK YOU!!
JJ DKaw I wrote all these down, I hope they work.
I used a couple of these on my ex narc-gf without ever having seen this video. Another one I used was, "I'm not going to argue against your feelings even though your feeling are obviously wrong."
This video is still worth watching
My husband likes to say “you have the right to be wrong” 😂😂
Thast good. Also, you have the right to go to Jail.
I say, “your perception is your reality, and you’re entitled to have it. Your reality is your reality, that doesn’t mean it also has to be mine.”
That's a great one too!"
Wow. Love that.
Oh I like that, I think it is even better. I'm writing it down!
I've used that before as well!
That's beautiful and so true ❤️
The 5 Key Phrases are the following: 1. I'm sorry you feel that way. 2. I can accept your faulty perception of me. 3. I have no right to control how you see me. 4. I guess I have to accept that that's how you feel. 5. Your anger is not my responsibility.
Thank you for this video!
Zoe Morosini I kept telling my girlfriend to find someone else to love as much as she loved to hate me and to hate as much as she loved me.
Thanks.
It is my honor--to teach you how to hold onto yourself when having to deal with such a difficult personality xoxoxo
Sometimes the truth infuriates them--
just remember--you have the power to stay or to go...
I find it strange how many people here seem to assume that everyone has a choice about who they have to communicate with. Kids cannot choose who their parents are. The vast majority of people can't just leave their jobs because their boss is toxic. Many people, especially women, find themselves in harmful or dangerous relationships with people they never knew were narcissists until it's too late. Questioning "why do they stay" shows a great lack of empathy or compassion.
Funny, because lack of empathy is what a true narcissist is.
Serai3 many men realize the situation with their wives too late as well. :/
Serai3 this I agree with. Many people are trapped. The gray rock method is somewhat useful. Too many people here are actually the narcissists themselves. You can tell that they feel entitled to initiating dialogue with those in their lives and receiving the responses that they desire...and then when they don’t get what they want from that person in their life, they come here and play the victim. They project their flaw of narcissism onto the other person. Like the mom who cries “oh thank you for giving me the tools I never thought of in decades to help me defend my poor self from my own daughter. Boo. Hoo. Feel sorry for me” well what kind of mother comes to the internet to complain about her own child? Think about that. She’s obviously the eternal victim and guilt tripper there and I feel bad for her daughter. Most people here can’t leave and to ask the question “why do they stay”, yes you are right, it shows an incredible level of thoughtlessness. The flawed perception response wouldn’t work because a narcissist would respond with “tell me, how is my perception of you flawed?”, thereby dragging you further down into a negative conversation , putting you into a position where you have to defend your point. Narcissists like to keep you on the defensive. That’s why just finding inner peace and emotionally disconnecting yourself, while nodding and smiling and agreeing is far easier if you are stuck with a narcissist long term. Otherwise it’s a constant battle. Become as uninteresting as possible and don’t take any verbal bait. Don’t engage. When they enter a room, be distracted. Be polite and stay calm. Don’t be in the room when the narcissist awakens in the morning. Get up early and wait till the room is clear before you try to hang out in that room. When you are downstairs and you hear the narc coming, get up and immediately finish off a chore and head away carrying a trash bag or something. Don’t eat your meals in areas the narc likes but instead eat outside or something. Just avoid and say the best response to keep any conversations short. If you are trapped, that seems like the best way to maintain a semblance of peace.
@@TheRealSyrett thank you this truly has help me, I so desperately want to be away from my so-called partner my abuser my jailer my narcissist. Unfortunately I am right where a narcissist likes to keep their victim and I have a 8 month old and 4 other children only 2 out of the 5 are with him luckily my other three can be with their dad most of the time to stay away from his toxicness. I have been looking for a job and all I can do is make a plan and stay in my day until my situation makes more sense to leave. I just tell myself this is my temporary situation not my forever life. It really helps to read things not to fix my situation because unfortunately a narcissist cannot change and probably doesn't even want to. And at my point it wouldn't matter if he changed the damage is done. But it does help to be able to get through everyday life without feeling like I am in hell. So again thank you so much what you just wrote was really awesome. This video was really great too.
I feel a phrase coming on....actually two....."I'm sorry YOU feel that way AND Your anger is not MY responsibility".....How's that???!
Your anger is not my responsibility! Yes! My ex had a anger problem and he would say if I love him I would try to make it work. No!
"why are you with me if I don't love you then?" used that one.
I didn't realize that I was dealing with a narcissistic personality until I started watching these. It caught me off guard, as if you'd have been living inside my home! I used to be so frustrated because I always ended up being apologetic for things he had done....I am so glad to be free!
Tenesha Parker
Good for you honey!! They are exhausting.
54jeanmarie very.
It works. It sent my mother right out my door. It disarmed her. I can't control how she acts but I can NOT engage with a narcissist. It's a hard lesson to learn but Lise is right. We can't change someone else's perceptions of us. Trying to do so will keep you trapped in a revolving door.
It's not fun for them anymore if you're not fighting back
This is quite an intelligent approach.
Doesn't just apply to narcissists, applies to loads of people. It's quite a healthy attitude, which suggests that each person lives in their own reality, and these realities don't have to entail consistent emotional interpretations.
This is quite a modern attitude.
I am glad you think so...awesome!
"What YOU think of me....is none of my business"
Love this. My wife has been calling me a narcissist for years yet all my friends say I am anything but. So now my eyes are wide open. I love these suggestions. They give me direction. I am so finished with being made to feel guilty about who I really am. Projection is real. A narcissist's accusations will reveal who THEY are.
Out of all the videos on narcissism I've watched, this one is one of the most helpful. I will write these down and start using them. Thank you!
Yes agreed 👍👍 have you watched Dr Carter's videos yet?
He has some good advice also if you are still searching around on TH-cam for different techniques and insight about narcissistic personality disorder.
"I'm not responsible for your anger" is one I've used but it usually has to be repeated calmly because they'll say "Yes, you are" or tell you why you are, then you're down the rabbit hole. Brief is best; "Ok" "I understand" "I hear what you're saying."Etc. Then walk away. If you engage other wise, say more, that's supply and what narcs want. Short, unemotional responses, grey rocking, short circuits narcs. Memorize the mantra....."Respond, don't react" and JADE: Don't......justify, argue, defend or explain. Doing these things are the only ways I've been able to successfully deal with the XN or any narc.
Jackie Salac This. This is more helpful than any video I’ve watched so far. This is gold. Thank you!
It can come right down to a one word reply: “Whatever”.
And So I . I .!
Go! Let us paddle our own boat!!!
Let us watch the Hen lay eggs !!!
You'll never change them so the best thing to do is run if you can. My ex was one plus much more and I dumped him for the sake of myself and my kids. He met me when I was young and naive which enabled him to catch me in his web. They're just destructive people who are unhappy with themselves and need a scapegoat.
Gerardine Cizmar I agree.Glad you got out:)
im just now escaping. the fool feels like its love and i feel like its obsession
I just tried these phrases on my husband. OMG!! It helped!! Since I remained calm & stated those comments back to him, I think he was baffled because I didn't engage in defending myself. Hence...the heated rage ended quickly! WOW! Thanks so much!
YAY!!!!!! The whole purpose of these phrases is to help the victims of narcissistic--dominant--and bullying behavior learn how to NOT engage in defending themselves...YOU DID GREAT!!!!! When you ALLOW someone to have their FAULTY perception of YOU--and you NO LONGER engage--you can disarm many of them. Not all #narcissists are the same--but for the garden variety #narcissist these key phrases can work pretty well. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!
I tried it too, it worked! He was upset about something minor, and I actually said I am so sorry you feel like that, calmly, and he answered shouting“I am not mad,,,”... the moment he realized how mad he was about that stupid thing he immediately stopped talking and in 2 min changed back to normal!! Works! Save me from his (non violent) rage!
I started using the phrases a couple weeks ago and they really do work. I'm actually kinda having fun with messing with him. Does that sound mean? Hope so! Cuz he's been messing with my head for 17 years!
Champagne J Lol!!
Divorce the idiot
Wonderful phrases! I have come to a state of peace within myself. "Your anger is not my responsibility" is very close to my realization that "I am not responsible for healing you." I've been learning to do emotional jujitsu with my Narcissist and these five phrases add to my newly-formed behaviors. By not resisting what he says, yet not taking on the characteristics of his accusations - hysteria, emotionalism, craziness, and the like - I feel more power within the relationship than I have in all the 19 years I've been with him (Oct. 31). I don't like his single-man behaviors, and would prefer to be treated nicely. Peaceful strength helps me to be okay with my life. I'm much happier now, knowing that his behaviors no longer affect me the way they once did. He treats most of the people who care about him the same way. He's an "equal-opportunity people-hater". That's not about me.... Thanks, again, Lisa!
Nettonya Ryane
Nettonya Ryane
Nettonya Ryane love it: "I'm not responsible for healing you"........
I love the last phrase! "I bow to the love and light in you!"
So true, we all here have abit of our light, felt like, or have been, taken away by the narcissist, and we have to find our original light that we shine within ourselves, so throwing right at you everyone:
"I bow to the love and light in you"! 😊😊 Xx
Be yourself x
Think I'll add that to the list (and stay up straight to the narcissist as I say it :) )
Namaste is the Spirit within me bows to the spirit within you.
Love & Light to you all
I live with a Narcissistic mother and I can tell you NOT ONE of these phrases would stop her, in fact it would make her more angry and she would attack harder. This sounds like your enabling them to treat you however y they want and I would never be ok with them. The best piece of advice I was ever given from my therapist is do not engage at all. Walk away, don't say anything at all, leave the premises if you have to, which I have done, I have also kicked my mother out of my home and even at one point, in order for me to heal and get better myself, I had to cut ties with her completely. Do what you have to do without engaging with them at all. Just because their realty is different, just because they are mentally ill, does NOT give them the right to verbally abuse you in any way shape or form. PERIOD!
Christin Coggins it angered her because she knows she was fighting a losing battle. You were disarming her, and taking away her power.
I can relate very deeply. So did I. She was a guardian who took on the role as mom when my mother died. I had to cut her from my life. I want to write a long letter to her for myself to heal. I feel she must be confronted. I don't care how she reacts. This is just for me. I pray you find healing too!
I too had a narcissistic parent. I love you would give me chance to split. she would b yelling usually by the time I left the room but it eventually let her know I wasn't gonna play.
Christin Coggins this is the exact way I feel I don't want to say anything to one of these demons I am talking about a marriage not a mother but when you find out that you are dealing with these types of people some of these phrases is going to make the situation worse less is more
Christin Coggins you might not be dealing with s narcissist
Thank you for this video. I'm almost 30 and finally realized that my mother is a narcissist and had caused alot of hurt. But I still have to deal/put up with her for Christmas as we all gather at my grandfathers house for holidays, where my children, husband, and I have to be under the same roof with her. God forbid she makes a very rude or hurtful remark, as she's done in the past in front of everyone, I want to use one of these phrases and watch her reaction in front of everyone, whilst remaining calm. I was so used to gaslighting that I didn't know that's what she was doing but NOW I KNOW!!!!!! She's going to leave me and my husband alone this year or unwittingly expose herself. No more will I put up with her bullying and hurting me.
Thank you so much for reminding me that the narcissist in my life is trying to engage me in negative behavior. I've been feeding the evil wolf.
Narcissists enjoy engaging their partners in toxic dances. While we are trying to figure them out and find stable ground, they are doing their best to kick up the dirt and keep us stuck.
No matter what they think they've achieved by attacking people, the narcissist will in the end still have their shitty life and I think deep dpwn they hate themselves.
My narc always tries to use other people against me, saying things like "everybody knows you're a snake, everybody knows who you really are" so I simply respond by saying "What other people think about me is not my business". He hates it when I say that because there is no response to it. Lol.
Why do you stay? can you leave? we often can't...I always joke around I'm like "what's wrong with snakes they eat rats" and when I get the old "everybody knows who you really are" I reply "good, whew...no wonder people are so nice to me"
Exactly thé same here. N when I ask who for example....he runs.
That when I start calling her snaky all the time. I have done it before, for months, they get tired of it and start snapping. Then they are reinvolved again.
They do that. When I called my mother to tell her I was going to kill my self she said that the whole family wanted me to and I should do it now. NPD to the max! She said that nobody can stand me. Not true.
@@ramblinrose8 OH my goodness BEEN living w/& raised by narcs and TYSM I just needed thAt lol right now= APPRECIATE you!🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for this. I was tested today. I passed the test. Manipulating person met his match and tried everything in the book to get me to see things his way. He walked away defeated and really pissed. It was very satisfying to know he did not win.
I'm in the process of breaking up a business partnership with such a person. After swearing at me, telling me what a terrible person I am, after reaching a settlement , I start getting sms's saying I sent you flowers, I've missed you through all this nonsense. I have been warned by family not to respond, and will take their advise. All I can say is my life has been hell the last 10 years, and I cant wait to run things on my own now without her constant attacks on my personality etc. It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders now. Here's to life.....
Yup. I have found that you have to ignore and "no contact" them out of your life. It's the only way. They need any type of narcissistic supply they can. They hang on any emotion, etc.
Penny Caunter .well done Penny! Good luck on your new business venture , after such a dreadful time you deserve every success!
I call it the, "why game?".. whatever the narsasist says just respond with a simple.."why?" Then when they take the time to answer you just simply ask..."why?"..again..and again. They will simply get exhausted and angry trying to explain themselves eventually and leave you alone. It has never failed for me and can also be used on rude people always trying to borrow money. lol
Wow, I actually did this by accident to a known narcissist once. Now that you mentioned it this persons face was turning beet red and now I know why...
This whole time I mistook him for actually being interested in the conversation 😆
I was being polite and made sure this person knew I acknowledged what he already explained and mentioned
"yes I understand what your saying"
" but I am not sure WHY They do it this way"
😂 he went on for 30 mins and now I know why, it because he couldn't help it. This guy had to prove how intelligent and how in control he was.
Most people that do business where he works already know about him. As in bad reputation...it's sad really.
@@xdeadwrongxdeadwrong7181 :D :P
You must be an intimidating looking person! I always seem to get the reverse psychology attitude or trampled on by these narcissists! It’s a loose loose!!!!!!!!!!
@@davidharrell8890 who ?
Also wanted to mention a narcissist can weed out the strong independent types from the weak minded obedient types, if you happen to come off as a weak minded person they go for you first. I have witnessed this first-hand and it's disgusting. Almost like a form of bullying at a work place. At the same time they like to challenge the strong independent types to check his or her limitations emotionally always testing the boundaries and looking for a weak link to latch onto and simply deploy their narc ways as usual. My best advice is study up watch alot of the videos on this narcissistic personality and become enlightened as much as possible on the many different mind games that they use on anyone within their territory.
Be aware and know how to handle yourself. And it will never go perfect. Simply learn from your mistake and don't allow it to happen again this is your way of maintaining boundaries. If you maintain your boundaries they will learn to refrain from head games meaning they might have some clue that your onto the head games they are playing and or planning.
Final word of advice never ever ever reveal that you know the games they are playing don't act like you know them even though they act like they have known your for 30 years this is how they get you setup up to be comfortable and reveal too much information which is the very information they will soon use against you once they have full filled their mental file on you and what your about ... remember it's them looking for tools to manipulate you to do what they want...it will be in a nice way or bad way....the bad way only ends one way and that's someone quitting because they have had enough and fed up with the garbage treatment. The minute you defy them they " gas light"
Lol!
"Your anger is not my responsibility" - this got me through the ending of a nasty 5 year divorce process. Thank you! I have finally found ways to dissolve situations with these 5 key phrases in every situation with him. Thank you so much.
You have bigger messages then Eckhart Tolle. Do you know that? Your level of conciousness is very high and concrete at the same time! This is exactly what i need. Thank you for helping me to grow!
Namaste Dear One...this is quite a compliment from you. GROW GROW GROW...yay...yay...yay....!!!!
Lisa, I NEVER meditate. However, I am impressed with your inner child meditation. I like that you gave a time frame of 6 weeks ( I think) and that's good for me. It's structure, and I need that. I go to bed with you in my ear every night (five days now) and I actually look forward to having that comfort. "Dear ones", I absolutely love that. You are a caring women. Ty, for all you bring to our crazy lives. Is that you being a badass in that picture?
Hi dear one. Have you heard of #deepak #chopra and his take on #the #field of #potential ? To find this creative center within all of us, one must first--be silent. Meditation is proven to help calm mental chatter. This is THE WAY to wholeness--to oneness--to wholiness...(What picture are you referring to dear one? If it is the photo of the little girl behind me, yes...that was me when I was about three years olf. I speak to her and nurture her daily xoxox..I rescued her and discovered it was she, who rescued me.)
@Lisa
Hello "Dear One", (I really love that, too, might borrow it!)
Oh my! This is BRILLIANT! I am going to print a picture of myself as a child! I am 54, but that little girl still has issues!!! Thank you, Lisa, so very much for your videos and insights. Many who teach on this subject of narc recovery are coming from a bit of a bitter perspective - how to torture a narc, tricks to play the same game - but you offer mature, insightful, practical help that is clearly focused on healthy recovery, restoration of self and peace with others - narcs included! You are assisting many!! We are a grateful bunch!! :)
YHWH bless you!!!
Lisa. It was the thumbnail pic on this video. A woman barring her teeth punching the glass. Like Mad Max. I thought she was you!
I literally laughed out loud at each one of these because if I said them to the specific someone in my life who is a narcissist, they would go BONKERS with confusion!!! Thank you so much I will surely use these words instead of sitting in silence, thank you thank you.
Precisely--it isn't about winning an argument because you can't win with a narcissist, but you can throw them off guard and perhaps diffuse them...These phrases may not work with all narc's but they will certainly work on garden variety type narcissists...YAY!!!!! #narcissist #narcissistic #abuse
Zoey Nelson Id love to have used these on my ex husband...would’ve been fun 😂😂
"I totally understand... it's all in your head."
The last 44yrs of my life has been explained to me so clearly. I can not thank you enough. I can't wait to use my new 5 simple answers.Thank you again. Namaste. Ash in Ireland.
Finding you just when I needed help was so lifesaving. I also realise why it's so important for us to all share our gifts with the world as we may have wisdom that can save someone else just when they need it. You have helped me breakthrough so much in only hours, Thankyou for being you I am so thankful x
spent much of today trying to change a narcs perception of me and justifying things I said over and over again. So these key phrases will be treasured but for now, I am going the no contact route. Thank you.
I felt pure freedom from my ex the day I refrained (and made it a habit to refrain) from justifying and explaining myself to him. He doesn't hold the power of anything I need [anymore], I do not need to convince him of anything.
mokshala Good for you. I mean it.
Lisa - I can not thank you enough for giving this advice. I think it will change my life, it has already begun. For 4 years I have been married to a women who deflates me at every opportunity. I had a previous happy marriage (lost her to cancer) and I was totally thrown for a loop on why this one would not work no matter what I do. So I would try this and that approach - and we did go to marriage counseling - and as long as I took every bit of blame for everything ever wrong in her life then things were ok.
Out of the blue days ago I decided to read about what a narcissist is - and I was blown away by how well my wife matched almost every criteria. I mean off the charts. No wonder. I could try and try a million different things for the rest of my life and nothing, nothing I do would ever make a difference. She isn't going to start to love me and care about me, ever.
So after the shock of learning what is really at work here, I watched some "how do you deal with it" vids, and came upon yours.
I wrote your questions down and waited for the next attack. I told her I accept what she thinks of me, and I'm sorry you feel that way about me, etc. And for the first time in 4 years her vitriol to make me feel small rolled off. She actually brought out the big guns, reaching back into our high school days (that was a long time ago) to illustrate what a puny small person I was... and it rolled off me. 'I can't change how you feel about me'...
I do think I am going to have to make some decisions, but these phrases and strategies will buy me some time and allow me to make decisions knowing that I am *not* the cause of her issues.
WHOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Alabama Yankee Incredible. Take care.
Alabama Yankee
Otto
Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.
make sure you make a decision for life! My father and brother did not and there are so many who grieve for them. They were the kindest and gentlest of men and the world is a lesser place without them.
"You're anger is not my responsibility. ", Lisa Ramano💯 we truly appreciate your help and the" journel" that you ask us to keep is one of the best resources and helps me immensely. thanks again!
I just LOVE these lol. You are so right instead of trying to convince them of anything it's better to not allow the hooks to get in. I use to say "I hope that one day you can see the good in me" and he immediately would shut down the attack and say "I do see the good in you". Worked every time. These are good ones I can add to my arsenal. Thank you!
I have no clue how this video appeared while scrolling through my subscribers but I'm glad it did.
I have lived my life surrounded by Narcissist & never knew they had a 'name' till a year ago. I'm talking about my mom, sister, niece, friends, ex husbands! A Lot of flipping ppl have tried to control my life, tell me how to live, have made me feel unworthy, even Made me think I was losing my mind sometimes. They'd suck the energy right out of me & I would feel completely exhausted and depressed.
Now that I know it's not my fault, I've learned to detoxify my life from ppl like this. I'm finally living life in a more relaxed state...connected to my higher self & loving who I am.
I'm often told I'm 'Soooooooo approachable' & I honestly believe it's bc I have so much energy within that ppl can feel it and are attracted to that vibration. I control my own power, no one else. I have become stronger knowing who I am. And in return, I am able to love others from a distance...I don't let them in my energy circle to attack me any longer.
I really enjoyed your video. I am now a new subscriber.
Much Love...💞
I am so blown away by this video that I'm literally in tears .to think of all the time I've had wasted my self-esteem has been obliterated. Your information has fueled my livelihood back to a position where I can possibly begin on reconstructing my life. Thank you so much I love you so much you don't even know.
We must learn to accept how other people feel BUT we don't have to stick around and listen to their negating opinions. Time to take care of you!
I concur. Disengage, regroup and then discuss the problem at a calmer moment. Never engage during heated moments. I’m an empathetic and attract narcissistic people but have finally learned how to protect my heart.
Why ever apologize and give them the impression your in the wrong somehow...better is “ it’s unfortunate you feel that way”
Exactly. Narcissus are very manipulative selfish egoistic psycho people.
I agree. You have a right to disagree with their opinion of you. You do not have to and should never agree with them because they are very sick people. Saying you have no right only empowers the narcissist to become more abusive all around.
Nothing can hurt them better than a direct NO
Great response
I agree. The person who wrote that is talking about a completely different situation. You wouldn't say that to anyone who is not a narcissist - and, it depends on what the person is referring to. The statement alone is not abusive. It's something you could say to a healthy person with some validation added, and under the conditions the other person was NOT referring to something abusive you said or did.
I tried the “I can accept your faulty perception of me” tonight on my husband. The look on his face!!!!! He was STUMPED.
Awesome--he was stumped because when you said that his brain farted! The narcissist's mind works to DOMINATE you emotionally, spiritually and psychologically--by way of making YOU fear what THEY think about you! Once you loose that fear--once you say, "hey--it's totally fine...you are entitled to think what you want" they can no longer exploit you. Of course, if you are dealing with a sadistic, pathological, malignant narcissist who is capable of physical abuse the best decision is to get away as fast as you can without poking the bear. These phrases work best with non-physical narcissists.
Why r u still in the relationship tho?
D.Meyod good for you! 🙏🏻😇🙏🏻
How about this one:
Your job is nothing, you only work two days every week. | I work from home, and 2 days from office, due to use of database. This work is money he eats, drinks, has paid electricity, and so on. He DOESN’T WORK!
You are stupid, you just sit by computer whole days and smoke! | I work also as freelancer since my ex don’t pay alimony, mortgage on which I’m cosigner, and I have 5 people, 2 dogs to feed.
When I tell him to leave my house, he threatens that he will kill me, he will take half of house, he will sue me for all what he endured … and again have in mind that he doesn’t work, he is rude with other people, incapable of normal friendship, and blocked all my friends, he doesn’t allow me to drive car which I bought, pay every year for registration, and he is the one who does all the work. You are liar, you are senile, you are this and that … luckily I have 3 kids who see, understand, and can be my rooting in reality.
I’m not even considering to go on here when he starts to be physically abusive.
I’m unlucky enough to live in shitty country where the law exists but isn’t obliged.
Thinking Wide, If it's your house you should legally be able to kick him out, and if he doesn't leave- call the cops to get him out. Can't call cops? Tell him he's kicked out, and then when he doesn't oblige wait until he's gone and get a moving van to dump all his shit somewhere else. It's your house, the things inside you are free to get outside your house. Change the locks the same day. Make sure you have a sign on the door about where his shit is. Be ready at the phone, ready to dial the police, when he throws a tantrum.
I know in America, when you sere someone divorce papers it doesn't matter if they agree or not. Takes some time for it to get filed, go though, get matters settled... but he wouldn't be able to force you legally to revoke it.
Optionally, if the house is entirely yours then you can put the house up for sale, start packing things in secret- or have someone close keeps bags for you, and sell the house under his nose. Just disappear one day. Warn the realtor you tried to throw him out but he wouldn't leave and the cops won't oblige you, let them tell him he has to get out. Let me tell you, companies do not fuck around about money.
Perhaps have a friend he doesn't know about.
I honestly wouldn't want to stay at that spot if he's that violent. Definitely serve divorce papers.
Am touched by the phrase your "Your anger is not my responsibility" this is a game changer
I am glad it resonated with you, Landi. Thank you for watching. XOXO
yep. perfect don't play the game. the narcissist keeps you on the defensive, or at least off balance. thank you.
I have said before, when I'm being insulted, verbally berated, verbal abuse with an aim of getting me reactive...
"whatever you need to tell yourself to make you feel better ..." 👌
I once told my narc mom "it's not my fault you can't control yourself."
Before that she told me something along the lines of "don't make me yell at you in front of all my clients." (this was through the phone)
it didn't make anything better.
SHE didn't act any better and that's on her. You did, don't you see that?
Change Is Stable it's not about her it's about how you feel about yourself. it's not about controlling her it's about you not getting involved in yet another mindfuck with a crazy person (her).
LOL "it's not my fault you can't control yourself." HAHAHA thats pure gold!
EvilNecroid yes actually require reading it now very funny. they don't like to take respins8bility for anything even their own feelings
notmycircusnotmymonkeys Etcetera so true
This all great, but it will never work on a violent narcissist.
I totally agree--I would need to make another video on that--which would be quite short--because the answer is to get away as soon as possible and to not turn back. Sending you strength.
I can't say this to my brother in law when he threatens to kill my animals or me because if I did say that he will most likely do it and use that as an excuse saying I agreed to it, he's a psychopath and I can't do anything about it which is really hard
they'll throw a sucker punch..so stand clear when you piss the THING off
Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc. What about violent manipulative narcissist at work who wait until ur alone to act this way then say it’s ur word against their word and who feel seniority and the heads of the company will back them up.
Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc. There are violent narcissist who cut up drivers licenses and go in ur belongings and rush towards with bald up fist to fight u and cursings then feign it didn’t happen and have enablers to back up the liars. Which is the real reasons others stay in abusive relationships.
So empowering. Who new telling someone you accept their warped view of you could be so liberating. Thank for the gift.
Yep...it usually works like a charm...the narcs are baffled!!!!
of all the 5 this was the best one for my situation - the others were good in principle but seemed to antagonise the person I am dealing with.
I LITERALLY just figured out after 30+ years of racking my brain as to what was wrong with my sister. Realizing she is a narcissist has completely set me free from the emotional turmoil she has caused myself and our mother. It explains EVERYTHING.
My mother was narcissistic and was always ready to put me down about the clothes I wore or the haircut I had.
What worked for me was to simply agree with her. The change in my reply was enough to make her stop the cycle and remain befuddled.
“Your hair looks shameful.”
“It DOES look like it could use some improvement. Look at my sideburns. Do they bother you? What sort of haircut would you like me to have?”
“Your shirt makes you look like a queer.”
“I know what you mean. They style is really sort of ‘out there’ isn’t it? How do my pants look? How about the length? Do you advise me to wear a belt or wear suspenders?”
My new behavior totally interrupted the toxic pattern. My parents ended up just standing there. Totally befuddled.
Well done,good for you. Bob UK xx
Oh good job I hope you get to keep practicing these words....This is really awesome and empowering for people like yourself and me who have felt disempowered for a long time....You go your doing a terrific job. :) I liked reading your responses so much!!!
Wow. Thanks, Lesley! I think it’s an honor to hear from you.
Great video, by the way.
I love learning new ways to communicate, pay attention, appreciate and listen!
Oh bless you James what a lovely person you are and it sounds like your parents can learn a lot from you and your sensitivity. Your response was amazing I only wish I had the opportunity to practice some of this on my Mum who is a narcissist. I would like to have handled it back in a non hurtful way as you did James. Great job and you sound very reflective! I agree great video must write stuff down as I can help myself in future and help others with these words of wisdom from the video!
I miss both my parents now because they have both died. The remarks I learned in dealing with criticism soon changed from a method of battle to a deep recognition that every criticism has a real “kernel of truth.” Admitting to that truth has been liberating for me. I think of aikido, the only martial art that deals with opponents without harming them--blending with another’s energy and redirecting it away from the situation.
Lesly, thanks for your generous comments. I can agree that I am striving to be a lovely person--and sometimes I actually reach that goal. But life goes on and is often difficult for all of us. Me included.
Yes! This works. My mother contacted me for the first time in awhile, so I pulled this video up to have it ready. She did the usual name calling, bringing up past things she has done for me, and telling me how awful I was being for not talking to her. I held my breath and replied, "I'm sorry you feel that way." I was expecting her to see through the comment and be even more harsh. But it was like a switch!! She said things like "I enjoyed every second of raising you. I love you and want the best for you. I'm sorry for everything mean I ever said to you." I just laughed out loud as hard as I could. I couldn't believe it actually worked. Lisa is a life saver. I understand I cant get away from a parent like someone can an ex boyfriend or girlfriend. So I may always need to use tricks like this. Once you know their game, it is so easy to play!!
My mother's a narcissist and I'm a push-over. Not only does she snoop through my phone and constantly ask me who I'm in contact with and what I'm talking about, she interrogates me over my facial expressions, my cough that sounded a little too much like an insult, or the "hey mom" that must have had some hidden meaning. I still live at home because of school but I'm twenty years old and I still have to ask "do you mind if I...?" just to go grab a gallon of milk from the store. Every time my sister visits for holidays, my mom texts her constantly to make sure she got to her hotel/friend's safely and has even sent a neighbor to go find her because her phone was off. She goes back to Virginia, my mom stops messaging her. Our neighbors tell me that I'm blessed to have my mother, that she's an "angel on earth", and that I should appreciate her more than I do. I appreciate my mother, she raised me after all, it's just hard to express it when im overhearing her talking smack about me and my siblings on the phone with her friends... She's just difficult. I spent my nineteenth birthday helping her buy materials to make a blanket for her new coworker's baby. I didn't get anything that year. I spent the next birthday with my boyfriends mother and my mom gave me the cold-shoulder and catty remarks like "well why don't you go ask your other mom about that". I've finally started using phrases like "I'm entitled to having my own private thoughts" and they've worked but I'm actually excited to try using some of these. She's recently begun using family-time as bribery and I started leaving the house every time the situation occurs, which I think is some type of growth on my part. This rant wasn't really organized or even necessary but I found reading the other experiences somewhat helpful, so maybe mine will help someone else
your lucky to have realized what type of relationship u have w/ your mother. i was raised by a narcissistic mother/abusive step father. im 49 and 3 months ago went no contact with her but the damage she has done has cost me dearly. from the boy that truly loved me to being allo wed to finish high school or attend collage. they cant change thier ways anymore than thier able to grow extra limbs. good luck to you,hope she loves you
hope you can find a good therapist, dealing with an N parent can be very confusing -- especially for an empathetic person (which is how you seem!), best to figure this out asap and with professional help!
"I still live at home because of school but I'm twenty years old and I still have to ask "do you mind if I...?"
Answer YES, you are living in her home, her rules! MOVE OUT ON YOUR OWN or quit complaining about the food and shelter your parent is PROVIDING for you, even though you seem totally UNGRATEFUL. Grow up, move OUT.
Renee M. I was privileged enough to be born into a family that provided food and shelter. But those are not luxuries, they are necessities. I do not need to pay my mother back with my life because she chose to have and raise a child. I didn't ask to be born, that wasn't my mistake (though I am constantly reminded that I am one). I work two jobs to pay for my phone, car, and school fees. I cannot afford to grow up and get out. I am allowed to follow my mother's rules and live under her roof until I can afford to do otherwise. If you're the type to think that verbal/emotional abuse is excused by "I fed you and changed your diapers!", then I worry for your own children. Please, watch this video again and try to reflect on yourself a bit more.
Tayler Mermaid your amazing
I don't understand why this sort of thing isn't taught at school. Just KNOWING of narcissim and what it's really all about would be so valuable for young people - on BOTH sides of the fence.
Call me naive (or lucky) the narcs in my life, I feel, are not aware of their own narcissm, and how they alienate people. Sometimes they're capable of great things. Initially I'd been seeing them somehow as 'subhuman' now I see them more as pathetic, as I dodge the occasional arrows headed my way.
I realise that once you realise that this really is a thing for some people (they really ARE somewhere on the narcissistic spectrum....) your'e more able to forgive them, and just let it go.
my next challenge is to get them onside with enabling them to become selfaware and maybe even try to fix it. A challenge for them, as apparently that's impossible. I'd imagine they'd like to be able to skite "I USED to be a narcissist, but figured out how to stop being such an ignorant asshole"
the whole thing fascinates me.
I'm sure evolution has ensured their continued existence in society as they, and their sociopathic/psychopathic friends, would have been the warriors that looked after the group. I'd imagine they'd be a lot quicker to slit the enemy's throat than your average empath. So we need to give them some credit. They had their use. Now sadly they only seem good for politics :/ and we've seen how good THAT is :/
I agree--we teach children about stranger danger--why not about personality reality? Why not teach children to be aware of emotional predators?
@@lisaaromano1 indeed!
How hard would it be to write a children's book on it?
"Nigel the narcissist and his gang of flying monkeys"
There you go, you could make a million! ☺
@@AndrewBoyd15 hahahha...not a bad idea...
@@lisaaromano1 Stranger danger isn't actually real. It's extremely and exceedingly rare. The greatest danger of victimization children face comes from people they know, not strangers.
That said, the purpose of public education is to train and prepare young people with the basic skills for jobs when they have become able-bodied adults. Not that I agree with that purpose --but it is why "we" don't.
It is not taught in school , I think , because millions of us have accepted that learning in school must be regulated
Non resistance to their resistance! Perfect flow of energy!
Thank you very much for this video; you have provided me with much valuable insight. As an adult child of a mother who's been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, I've gone through extreme struggle throughout childhood to this day. Having lost my only sister to suicide--which I referred to as "a wrecking ball of endless size"-- in addition to watching my mother threaten my father with a knife for his not immediately meeting her desires and then telling my sister and myself, "Your father is abusing me" in a marriage finally leading to divorce has been heartbreaking...even more so when my mother showed resistance to all counseling attempts by countless therapists. You brought up a very important factor about this disorder about the narcissist's perception and their own reality. I agree with what someone earlier said about kids not being able to choose their own parents. But narcissistic personality disorder is a mental illness and very sadly, the person diagnosed with it has NO CLUE that they have this diagnosis...some therapists refuse to treat people with NPD because it's considered untreatable. I myself have bipolar disorder, I've accepted it and know that I have to stay on a daily regimen on medication, therapy and keep check of my behavior. I've read some insulting remarks about mental illness including narcissism; people think that it's a luxury...if mental illness is a luxury, it's one that I can live without. Again, many thanks for the insight.
Thanks for this - extremely helpful. Some years ago I was friends with a narcissist and she began chipping away at my confidence and said something so awful it ruined my Christmas and knocked me into a severe depression. Face to face she always seemed to be able to outwit and gaslight me - but I exchanged a series of letters with her in which I proved her to be a liar. Finally being able to do this and reclaim my reality and identity was a wonderful feeling.
I've recently realized my sister is a narc/has narc tendencies and I've been struggling with how to deal with her. Having a family member who is a narc is not the same as being in a romantic relationship with one (been there, done that, got a divorce and went no contact). I know we'll never be friends but because she's family I'll still have to deal with her and these phrases will make it so much easier to gray rock her. Thank u, Lisa!!!
We're all in this together!
If we can't get away with a narcissist, we will learn to deal with them and a day will come when it will become a little easier to set boundaries and to feel a little more free from the toxic attachment.
My heart goes out to you❤️💙
How the intelligent narcissist replies. 1. "Great. Now what will you do to fix it?" 2. "Except its not faulty." 3. Same idea as 2. 4. "You do need to accept it, that's why I'm telling it to you." 5. "You're right, but your behavior that causes it is, isn't it?"
Your absolutely right and because of this with my mum I have just learnt the avoidance strategy and this annoys her so much she just steps up her rampage until I either agree with her in which case she leaves me alone for a little while before the next thing , or I use one of these responses and she says exactly what you said and then usually escalates it into a full scale attack on how selfish I am so as I can't handle the fight I tend to opt for avoidance (for as long as I can ignore it)
Agree with everything they say and do as you please. But quietly. Do what you please quietly. There's no pleasing them so please yourself.
KamakazeTaco this is where you break it and say "you always want to be right." now theyre stuck in the loop of if they respond with no!! or anything, it'll make them look like they want to always be right, therefore proving your point xD
TiFFerzZehNiNjA Can you name anyone who wants to be wrong? All they'll say is "So do you, what's your point?"
When you encounter one like this...say nothing. They HATE silence because it breaks their power! If you can, physically remove yourself from their presence also. Walk away and BREATHE! :)
Hi Lisa and everyone . I knew around age 8 years old that I was not in a " normal" family as I felt NO LOVE. I could go on and on. However all of this boils down to ONE thing.. This is Evil vs Good, Light vs Darkness, Truth vs lies. In the end. Light overcomes dark, good over evil and Truth always prevails!!
i couldn't agree more.
its interesting to me how narc parents allways play the victim, with moms its the angry martyr type, who is singing the song of i did everything for you, whileby they were emotionally cold to their kids, injecting them with guilt trips, and causing emotional pain, and they never loved them trully or allowed them to be their own person,
instead they punished each and every time when they shown their uniqueness or dared to say no to something or disagree on something. and then they wonder when their kids finally moove on or are rightfully angry.
noone desrves to be abused least of all children, they are not some property for the validation of parents, they are unique children of The Maker of Life who ought to be brought up with structure but also loving kindness nurturing their unique talents.....in reality its all about the perfect heroic image they created of themselves to the outside world, on the outside they are these perfect, poor hardworking, caring and loving and suffering moms ......but at home they never ever EVEN once ask the child about their own feelings, thoughts, needs, wants or care, if they ever do its only to get intel. to use later as leverage against the child.
They never love you for you, you must do and be exactly what they want if not there is hell to pay.
Please listen to your Intuition and know you are worthy and loved by The Maker of ALL Life, get help and live a happy free life, you need noones permission. You are NOT responsible for these people. You are only responsible for which Treatment you allow. Respect andLove yourself. Step by step each Day. Be gentle with yourself, be the Parent you had allways wanted.
no one really has a normal family and no it doesn't boil down to just evil vs good that's naive thinking and over simplification of life...truth does not always prevail bad people do get away with bad things - all we can do is try our best and be as good as we can be and stick with our morals, values and ethics but hiding our head in the sand helps evil and that is what in my opinion your post offers signed my mother was murdered by my step brother who then got out of jail and doused himself with gas and lit a match...so yeah I know a few things about evil.
@@ramblinrose8 I think you've misunderstood Cher Baker....Perhaps because of the heavy trauma you've endured. I understood her to mean that this is a serious core issue. I didn't feel she was suggesting anybody hide their heads in the sand. I felt she was offering hope to people who may feel like giving up. We NEED to keep going and trusting the good overcomes evil. If you believe that evil wins in the end then your life will carry you in that direction. In spite of what you've experienced so close up and personal, there are a great deal of good people in the world, and of course spiritually, Love overcomes evil. May you experience a complete healing in your life.
Denise Warner-Dodson good one I had a similar incident with my daughter she was on a constant cloud how respect started with her she finally got out of control so I just had to shut her down completely free her of my life birthdays and Christmas everything and she’s feeling it she’s making remarks on how evil I am for shutting her out of my life but my God you can only put up with so much and shutting her down is like a new world opened up no more second-guessing myself being comfortable in knowing I was right and her Write was really wrong.
"Cool story bro"
always made the ex-narc so angry, lol! No matter what he said that was hateful ( ie. I don't love you 👉🏾"Cool story bro". I'm leaving you👉🏾"Cool story bro.") it always shut him down. He'd call me crazy or stupid and just walk away super upset and annoyed! #TRYit🤣
Yes! That's the one! Thank you. You are fukkin awesome!!!
A narcissist will go ballistic and crazy when they don't get the response they are forcing. Being calm and logical and not showing emotion disarms them.
😂😂🤣 i''m definitely taking this one to use on my narcs
@@ganymeade5151 they're freakin ALWAYS trying to force a certain response - DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM! lol anyways, they always will use it against you.
This was a "catchphrase" In our family. Little did I know!
OMG Missus !!! Thank you 🌹
Found your videos in my feed and just started watching them...
.... I know the Universe made me find you, because I prayed hard for help as I was trying to fall asleep last night.. I have lost so much sleep I don't even know how to sleep properly anymore, since I had my first baby nearly 12 years ago, and especially now..
I prayed hard for help.. You came along ✨(Thank you , Heavens and whatever good is out there )
I split with the father of my children over 7 years ago, and whilst we were able to co-parent for some 5 years amicably, the last two years have been hell.. my boys live with him now, and whilst I have been aware of my own faults and traits.. he is unaware of his, and he went and married another , within 4 months of divorcing me, and she is unaware too and influencing him..
and he has surrounded himself with people who actively want to hurt me.. for whatever their traits dictate, to suit his issues with me.
The last video of yours helped me put things into real perspective.. my feelings, my needs,
I lost myself completely when I had children and our relationship derailed.. or rather the tyres went flat and we had a head-on collision.
There was no salvaging the wreck.
He has been preventing our children from seeing me at all (although because there is no Court Order in place he can't actually stop me altogether).
However he has his own agenda.. has done from day one.
I have been sick and tired of pouring money into solicitor's "conversation" that basically has gone nowhere..
My children miss me, and my mum , their Mamó 😔
Your videos have helped me so much today.. I know how to take my power back and let him know he has no power over my good nature anymore.
My children need me and your words, I know, are going to get them back to me, regardless of his desire to control everything to suit him.
Thank you, thank you, from the very bottom of my heart 🥰 xx
You can tell them we disagree and still deny them access in your life. Boundaries are not negotiable.
Jennefer Cameron excellent suggestion. In appreciation. Your comment is helpful for me , im dealing with a Narcissist coworker and what you wrote helped me and will use this. I appreciate you💝
not true...what if it is your ailing mother or father ? your child?
@@ramblinrose8 They made the deathbed they lie about. And if they were such a good parent, how come their kid has to wonder whether or not to talk to em on that bed? Rose, this is one of the most common lies of theirs. And if it isn't, its not your fault they wouldn't apologize.
I actually wrote these down and cannot WAIT to use them: on my mother, at work, and anywhere there are difficult people! Such wonderful replies! I am in the nursing profession. You have no idea how handy these phrases will be for passive aggressive nurses. Thank you, Lisa. :)
WHOO HOO--let us know how they work dear one!
My go to is always "I really don't care" Then go back to whatever I was doing.
I'm sorry you feel that way" "I can accept your faulty perception of me " "I have no right to control how you see me" I guess I have to accept how you see me" "Your anger is not my responsibility" These quotes are extremely powerful Lisa ....I only used 1 it's totally working..
Hearing this almost makes me want to get back with an old ex, just to try these out on him. 😂
Lmao 😂😂😂
I'm sure you meant it as a joke. But just in case- don't make that mistake. They might have found better ways to hook you.
My sister my channel subscribe I'm your channel subscribe
No you don't. You ignore a narcissist as much as possible
@@nainwalgaurav Relationships like that are called co dependent. Not healthy but it works for the co dependents until something awful happens or they wear each other out.
Oh Lisa, I wish I knew of you last year. ALL of my siblings are malignant narcissists and made my life a living hell. I so would have liked to have had the insights I have now. "I accept your faulty perception of me" would have destroyed my sister, who was always projecting her faults onto me. :-) Looking forward to working through all your videos. Thank you.
I am glad you are here now dear one...
why would you want to destroy your sister...people are capable of change and it is true that you cannot force someone to change but its possible to show them the way thru example...i helped my sister find her path to peace love and oneness by EXAMPLE i agree you need to know when to back off so you are not drained but it doesnt mean you can lead by example
My sister thought it was okay not to tell me our mother was close to death, so I was denied the chance to say see her and goodbye. Then I was kept in the dark about funeral arrangements and told I wasn't welcome. Eventually I found which funeral director was being used, but he had already been told by my family I wasn't welcome, so I wasn't allowed to visit my mother in death either. After a week my sister relented and told the funeral director I could visit our mother, but by now her body had deteriorated and I was strongly advised not to. The family hadn't paid for embalming. My family are truly disgusting. Talking of peace and love for my sister is fine and dandy, and one day I might wish that for her, but until then she can do one. I'm glad you were able to help your sister. Frankly, mine is beyond help.
Andrew Hudson I only showed her a better way of thinking so that she could become the best expression of who she is...she had to do it on her own...I could understand why death would be hard to deal with when you believe it is the end...it is simply a process just like the process of water changing states...
Peace and love i wish you comfort and acceptance.
Thank you, and to you too. x
What others think of me is none of my business. Another good comeback ;)
I told mine he was a coward and his words were empty...... he looked like a deer in headlights...
also,this caused him to imagine being abandoned..then came the anger while i kept a cool head.i don't need to develop some ridiculous abandonment issue over a person who was never there to begin with...Believe me, he hates that.
From my experience, using these phrases actually incited a volatile reaction from my dad. He got so incredibly angry that I was saying I didn't agree with his opinion and he launched into criticism.
So... I've learned not to say anything. Let them keep talking and find a way to exit without really saying anything. The key to that is embodying those concepts like "your anger is not my responsibility," and "I can accept that, that is how you feel," etc but saying them outloud is really lighting a fire and giving them more fuel to use against you.
Yes it totally frustrates them that you are taking the higher ground & they are determined to force you to their level where they can hurt you more.
They are mean relentless fighters. Wounded souls
Just give them that Woody Allen line from the movie Annie Hall. "Um, yeah, I have to go now. I'm due back on planet Earth." And then walk away. Because what the narc is saying to you is probably just as batshit crazy as what Duane said to Woody Allen in that scene.
I love this phrase!!!!!!!!
Thanks, Lisa! Yes, that scene was very funny!
Jean-Paul Sartre that's EPIC!! thank you, totally using that! I've told him before that he's from another planet and normal people aren't wired that way
I love it I'm going to use that next time
Woody Allen is sexually attracted to prepubescent humans?
Peoples opinions of you are *their* opinions. And what they say doesnt make it true. Detach from their opinions of you cause it isnt true. This video switched a lightbulb on for me.
YAY!!!!! Awesome! If we can remember this truth--it can help us avoid toxic shame spirals for sure! Thank you for watching--and know--you are enough!
Yay!!!!!!!
Exactly! Well said!
right on!! spot on!! that is EXACTLY "IT" even our own opinions of ourselves isn't the complete picture is it?!! I am the kind of girl who really gets bored with opinions anyway...I don't care about them as much as what people DO!! Great Post!
It did me.. As well...
My ex was and still is a narcissistic pathological liar. I was with him on and off for 4 years. I met him when I was 19. I wasted so much time thinking that he loved me. I gave him more chances than he deserved. Because he was my first serious relationship I ignored all the signs. He was controlling and emotionally abusive - always making me feel inadequate, self-conscious, and yet simultaneously terrified of losing him. I was young and naive. He even told me that once... how innocent I was. I suppose that's what made me such an easy target.
I looked at him like he could do no wrong, but the truth is he did so much wrong. He let me down too many times to count and every time I let it slide. He told me what I wanted to hear just to keep me around for his own satisfaction.
But somewhere between the giddy first dates and falling for him, something else happened. I don’t know exactly when, but toxicity crept in. And the self-doubt, manipulation, desperation and rigidity that grew over the next four years... so intense that I completely lost myself. For every high there was a lower low, and the cycle quickly spun out of control.
It wasn’t your fault that I was young, naïve, and didn’t know what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like, but you were supposed to show me. It wasn’t your fault that I let you call the shots, but you were supposed to make me feel like you valued my opinion. It wasn’t your fault that I went through personal challenges in the years we were together, but you were supposed to support me. And you didn’t.
I was so blinded by wanting us to be perfect, that I didn’t notice how unhappy I was.
I’m still sifting through the distortions I have, trying to figure out which are my own, and which he put in my head.
He could make me the happiest woman in the world but he also had the ability to change that in a heartbeat and make me the saddest.
At first, he made me so incredibly happy and treated me in such a way a girl dreams about but once he knew that I would have done anything for him, he changed. He was no longer the sweet man I once knew.
He was very manipulative, made me always feel like I was overreacting. He took apart my personal life and insecurities and used it against me.
No one has ever hurt me as much as he has. It wasn't like anything I've ever experienced before because loving him was a sad, dark and lonely place. I never realized how hateful and despiteful he really was. In the process of loving him I lost myself.
My eyes were always swollen from crying and my mind was constantly exhausted from overthinking that something was wrong with me. I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough. I gave him my pure heart in the palm of his selfish hands and he completely shattered it without a care in the world. Even caught him cheating on me. Then he went around telling everyone that it was me who cheated on him to save his ego. Had his so called "friends" calling me a slut and every degrading word imaginable. Later on he found someone new within the matter of a few months. I actually felt worried for her like I need to warn her before he hurts someone else like he did me. I reached out to her and told her everything he put me through, that I was concerned she was just another one of his victims he found online. That I had no intentions of sabotaging their relationship. She seemed greatful for the warning you know "girl code" and all. A few days later she must have confronted him about it because he sent me the most yet again another hateful cruel message. This time I knew his tricks not to be hurt by his words or believe his lies. He even went as far as to talk about my miscarriage I had and that it was too bad that car didn't hit me harder. (I was hit by a car on my bike when I was 13) That he wished me dead. All because I exposed him for the terrible person he really is. If you challenge a narcissist's delusional world of power and control with the truth of who they really are, expect them to retaliate with lies and slander. They will try to destroy your reputation so that you will never be believed. I only wish there was someone there to warn me 4 years ago. I never expected to fall in love with someone like that, I'm even ashamed of myself for letting it go on as long as it did.
I was always told there are those out there who will stab you and leave you for dead then pretend like their the ones bleeding. That's a good example of him, because that's exactly what he did to me. However I took care of the wounds he inflicted on me and came back even stronger.
I may have been foolish but being a fool made me smarter... And I look back confused as to why I tolerated it. But sometimes when someone enters your life, it’s like a hurricane, you didn’t see coming. Then they leave abruptly, and you are left to pick up the pieces, of all they left behind. More than wondering how you got in the eye of the storm, you stand grateful, that you even survived it in the first place.
I now see that the trial I went through was something else entirely.
Without realizing it, I was building someone new, someone better, out of the girl you thought you destroyed. Slowly, this new girl of immense strength emerged from a place I didn’t know existed.
She was stronger, wiser, and more protective of her heart than the naïve girl you seduced with your poisoned words.
No, she’ll never be as open or trusting as she was with you, and that’s a shame. She is, however, more than you ever deserved.
I thought I was weak. I thought I was broken. I was wrong.
But I know one thing. He didn’t and will never deserve me. I have one thing he never will. And that’s compassion.
not uncommon. most young women waste their youth on assholes and bad boys.
You have to get away from them, the ONLY way. These phrases are apologetic & who wants to keep apologizing for someone's else's controlling & self-centered behaviors?
54jeanmarie Ignoring them works better than anything
Vanessa depends on how deep in you are and their reputation. If they want your attention and they know what makes you tick, they'll get it.
wildfyah I'm speaking from experience. Regardless of your connection to them, ignoring them whenever possible is all you can ever do.
Can I just say thank you! You have given me some verbal expressions of dealing with my MIL. OMG. So freeing.
I will see her at a baby shower next weekend, and we've had some major issues recently with her. THANK YOU!!!!
Waking up one morning in your middle age , realizing you were raised by a narcissist mother 😁 whoa....let the healing begin
girl, that is a sad, sad haiku that summarizes my hellish life perfectly. 50 years spent suffering and never knowing why because she IS that slick at blaming others and covering her tracks. ONe day, you wake up and your life is over and it's beyond gut-wrenching. It's f___ing heartbreaking. IT's all gone. It was all spent under her control and torment. I can't get it back and i have to LIVE with this. THIS is hell. And she's still around, living like a queen, popping into my life at times. she's 76 but will go on forever cuz the shitty ones always do. I had the tiny hope of inheriting big money, but who can wait for her to shove off ? she'll stay out of spite. This sucks. To get her queenly life, she sucked the life out of three close relatives and got all their goods, real estate, pensions, etc..... so the small shred of a chance at this BIG pile keeps me hanging around. I feel that there should be some compensation for the lives she's shattered and ruined. Other people tell me to not wait for a cent. Easy for them to say --- i don't even have a dollar right now. So, she's still exerting her control freak ways on me, and will do so from beyond even. She is not a mother. She never was. i call her satan. She merits that fully. Can't there be a Go fund me page for people who are crippled and ruined by malignant narcissists ? That's where i'm at. I may try, cuz it's the God's truth. I need help.
What is your peace of mind and emotional well-being worth? It is just as likely that in one final act of spite, she will leave it all to someone else or charity. They often do. Then you will feel even more bitter, used, and angry, because you continued to allow the abuse for one final kick in the teeth. Don't put off living your life now in the hopes of some material reward that is likely never to happen. You do have the power to free yourself. That power is worth more than anything money can buy. I have been dirt poor, almost in the street poor, rather than accepting the strings my Nparents help would bring, and it was still better than being beholden to them. I wish you peace and the strength to walk away. Until you do, you are going to stay miserable.
Mother are you there? I love you. I never meant to hit u over the head with that shovel.
HEALING? More like rewiring yourself. That epiphany is way beyond Santa, Easter Bunny, Gulf of Tonkin, WMDs, Electoral College....
Saskia Scott - same! How strange...