Enmeshment: The Dark Side of Parenting
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 มิ.ย. 2021
- Due to the lack of information on what healthy parenting looks like, enmeshment is mischaracterized as a loving, loyal, tight-knit family dedicated to protecting the child.
Few parents who are guilty of enmeshment realize they are harming their children. Many see themselves as devoted, self-sacrificing parents acting in their children's best interests.
Sadly, the enmeshing parent is in fact using the child to satisfy their unmet need for intimacy, companionship, romantic attachment, advice, problem-solving, ego fulfillment, or emotional release.
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#Kenny Weiss #What is enmeshment #Kenny Weiss life coach
our job is to create an emotional environment so they can chose what they want, not what we want.
What's worse than having your parent tell you that you what they expect of you, in meeting their needs, it's worse when things are non-verbal. My mother let me know, in her own way, that she expected me to be her "good little girl" (emphasis on the words "little girl." It was communicated to me that she expected me to not grow up, or have relationships. It took a number of years in therapy before I saw her shut down on me emotionally, all non-verbal, any time I mentioned a guy that I might be interested in, friend or otherwise. The message I received from that is, "It's not OK for you to have a relationship. So toxic and damaging. 😢
I catch myself saying our daughter is everything to us, she’s 30 years old and hates when I say that.
This really resonates. My father died when I was 12, fairly quickly after a terminal cancer diagnosis, and I was left with my Mom and sister. Mom had moved away from her own family due to her own mother's abuse. I'm not sure she knew herself well enough before she married my father - she was pushed together with him really. They were very different people.
Fairly soon after he died, I became a mini-man partner for my mother. My sister became the scapegoat and went on to become an alcoholic and manic depressive. In some part because she was also daddy's girl but also because my mother projected all her faults and abuses onto my sister. I was the golden child, pulled into conversations about 'what are we going to do about your sister'. Mom didn't have to work since my father left enough for us to live on, very modestly. We weren't poor but certainly not 'well off'. As a result my mother didn't work not did she have family or friends around for support. It was just the three of us and any other kids my Mom would caretaker after school.
When my sister went to college the weirdness with my mother happened more and more. Never sexual or any inference of sexual behaviour, but jealousy when I found a girlfriend, not letting me have any girls come over, always snooping in my stuff and always taking up my time which should've been spent studying by talking about her own troubles - for hours at a time.
When I eventually moved out I realized I was completely out of my depth to exist in the world. I had no confidence, no ability to talk to people, no common sense. It took me years to find a career that I ended up hating and drinking to get through. Many people found me odd and weird and would even say ' you see like someone who needs to be looked after'.
Well, that's because I became the people who felt they needed to be the 'man of the house' and look after everyone. I was 12 and grew up very quickly, always feeling guilty that my Mom had no friends and was so sad all the time.
Therapists now tell me it was enmeshment and it still goes on to this day. I got married and I'm happy, but I'm also broken. I have a lot of health issues and I've ruined a lot of friendships.
Thank you for speaking your truth and shining a light on something that always felt normal and really never was.
I am working to change a lot of learned behaviour. In our family was normal to say things like „we, don’t like this or that or them“. With my daughter I said „I don’t like how your friend treats you, but you decide for yourself what you will tolerate.
I realise that I must have been way more controlling when my kids were very small, all in the name of being the perfect parent. Which was also a reaction to my mom who was neglectful.
I do control because I have fears and don’t feel confident to navigate life. I realise the biggest gift you can give your child is to not worry about then but trust that they have what it takes to handle life. Obviously this is difficult if you don’t feel this way about yourself.
Thank you for this video, I come from a cultural background that enmeshment is actually encouraged by society. I moved to another country with my wife 3 years ago and the distance helps, but I still feel this sort of "responsibility" and guilt for my parents happiness, it makes me mad sometimes.
Healthy parenting is to allow kids and adult children make decisions for their own selves, so one day when we are not here they will be strong and resilient enough to survive. Love doesn’t mean living your children’s life, but love means letting your children be who they are.
I appreciate your honesty and I am getting a ton of help from the hard work you have put into making these videos. Also, I appreciate the snazzy clothes.
Oh that young woman you talk about, being completely incapable of taking care of herself, my heart and congratulations go to her. ❤
Thank you for your valuable lessons. I am implementing some advice. 🙏
Excellent information and presentation!! Thank you!!👏🏽👏🏿👏🏻
Thank you , well done, Can you do a video on how this plays out with adult children and enmeshed parents as far as living arrangements, and finances and expectations?
Next Sundays podcast goes more into those topics. I share examples of clients, one in particular who has been controlled with money, and what this dynamic looks like once you are an adult. I hope it is what you are looking for?
Thank you for your videos you have a way of explaining these topics that really resonate and give me a clear understanding. Thank you 🙏
I’m really happy to hear that. That is always my hope. You are very welcome
Thank you so much for this clarification🙏I'm 43 and still struggling to set boundaries in an enmeshed family. I have not built a family myself because of this destructive/exhausting enmeshment. The strength it takes to get out is unbelievable.
You are so welcome
Ugh. I need counseling. This is overwhelming but so spot on. I didn't know this was a thing, but I knew I was struggling and didn't know why. Ugh.
Please don't pity these parents. They know very well what they are doing especially after the child is trying to be on their own.
Ty Kenny, I love your videos and actually I ordered 2 books by your recommendation. A remote student here
That was brilliant.
This is description of normal parenting in India. Most are told to have kids coz or else they would be lonely and who would look after them in old age.
Very true and in many other cultures as well, but you’re right parents in India is too overwhelmed and possible of their children. It’s sad because it puts so much stress on adult children and robs them of their own life, as they are too busy serving.
Thank you for showing me how I am.
This was really good
I was really “shocked” by watching your video. It is me. I thought I was a great dad. Now I guess I am just screwing my daughter up. Is this “concept”’ acceptable with small kids as well? How do I heal this? Where is the fine line between the fine line between being nurturing or over-involved? Not all level of this video applies to me, so how do I find out if I am an enmeshment parent or not? Is it a spectrum? Oh man, I have 100 questions right now.
Those are great questions Johnny and your children are very fortunate to have you as a father because instead of getting defensive and shutting down you’re willing to admit that you are perfectly imperfect and you want to get better.
Unfortunately I can’t answer all of your questions to the level that you would like. The full answers would require private sessions because they are so deep and involved. What I can do is punch you in the direction to gain deeper understanding and knowledge about all of these dynamics.
My first suggestion would be my book so you can uncover how the pain from your own childhood created this dynamic within you and how to start healing all of that. My book is called your journey to success and it can be found on Amazon
I would then suggest picking up Pia Mellody’s Facing codependence and Dr Patricia Love’s book the emotional incest syndrome.
If you like, I also have an online magazine you can subscribe to, I newsletter, obviously hundreds of videos on codependency and other dynamics here on TH-cam, I have a free master class Available to help you start the healing and many other master classes to help a person conquer the codependence and enmeshment. Just let me know what you’re interested in and I can point you in the right direction.
@@kennyweiss Thank you for your prompt response. I think I will go ahead and book a private session with you until I am this deeply affected by the “concept.” For appointments, I assume I have to go to your website, right?
@@Johnny-bu4rz You are very welcome. Yes, here is the link to schedule a private session. www.kennyweiss.net/#Coaching
Kenny big hugggs to you.
Thank you😁
Parents are not to blame but are held accountable? How does that work?
Gilmore Girls
Deos narcissist have no boundaries ? Is he codependent like empath ?
I came across a partner in my life, and I'm figuring out how to sort her enmeshment to her mother out...
If I had only hidden my true values, I would have been invited to the holiday and birthday events. For being an accepting individual, I’m “different”.
What is the opposite of this? If a parent shows no interest in your life, what is that?
Abandonment
The parent ( dad) wanted my sister to avoid/ hate Mom + Mother used 1 " son" as Partner.. THANK God they IGNORED ME ( I was Lucky)!!!!
Lol try explaining this to south asian famillies-a wife marrhes the whole in law family-that she has to carry them all-if the gal refuses she is not marriageable material-till the monster in law is alive-what she says go-even in the twentieth century they still follow these traits ideolopy and rules-if you break the rules your disowned-so many brit asian kids that have grown up to be adults keep the rules and traits going-
My husband's mom is like this.
14:20
27:46
puffy and his mother
Guilty.
17:30 No. Just no. They are adults. There are boundaries.
26:50
likely an epidemic at this stage, gonna last a generation... spanks!
I am working to change a lot of learned behaviour. In our family was normal to say things like „we, don’t like this or that or them“. With my daughter I said „I don’t like how your friend treats you, but you decide for yourself what you will tolerate.
I realise that I must have been way more controlling when my kids were very small, all in the name of being the perfect parent. Which was also a reaction to my mom who was neglectful.
I do control because I have fears and don’t feel confident to navigate life. I realise the biggest gift you can give your child is to not worry about then but trust that they have what it takes to handle life. Obviously this is difficult if you don’t feel this way about yourself.