How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 ก.ย. 2024
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People-pleasing behavior, while ostensibly pleasant, causes enormous difficulties for us, especially in relationships and in love. We need to grow better able to disappoint others, and to stop fearing calamity when we do so.
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No! 😒😣😤
Great Video!
The School of Life I cannot get to the link to your app
The School of Life I am 19 very old and going out to the working work and I am scared because I don't know what to expect do you have a video or a article that addresses something like this. I'm trying to be brave but the feeling just creeps up.
Always been selfish , always set myself first regardless of anyone s opinion
It's better to be hated for being who you really are rather than pretend to be someone in order to be loved.
This needs to be on a billboard!!
its not
Saying this is easy, but convincing myself that this is true is very hard.
Your comment 4 years ago might make a massive change in my life, I just thought you should know that. Thank you
I want everyone to love me if someone hates me there going to be blackmailed
is that why i enjoy being alone? so i can be who i really am?
Actually yes. People pleasers thrive in non urban places, of wilderness and desolation. They only tend for themselves there. Whenever someone enters their world, then they see how these people shine like true diamonds.
uffff so true
Makes sense
@@mrvic3952 really! This explains so much about a friend who thrives and opts to spend time roughing it in the remote wilderness over city scape settings.
....... Ik this comment is 2 years old, but you rly just put it in to words..... ;-;
Sounds a lot like me... I feel immensely guilty whenever I so much as _think_ I've caused someone even the slightest bit of displeasure
Flurry Heart
Hey any well-meaning help/advice is always welcome! Thanks for the recommendation I'll check them out!
thanks to both of you for a genuinely kind and respectful online exchange ... very heartening :)
applewitheveryone I understand this feeling very much! I've been in therapy for a year now and it's a slow process to unlearn but it's possible should you wish to make that change any time.
Just be sure to give the reason why you "displease" them
Me too. :(
I don’t think the “People Pleaser” necessarily has malicious or insincere intent. Sometimes it’s just a matter of having very low self esteem. I know someone who is a real sweetheart and does MANY kind things for others-but who was abandoned by her father as a young child. I’m guessing that need to please is to ensure she is liked enough in order to not be abandoned by friends.
i think it's part of narcisism. narcisist creates circle of people who have to agree with him/her. usually empathic person becomes the people pleaser. basically if you are nice guy by nature you get screwed over the most. and it's sad because who has time for this crap. i feel for people pleasers
The people pleaser participated in self betrayal, in order to belong, or not be abandoned. They consider others needs more than their own...except their need to be liked, not rejected etc.
They continually dismiss, ignore, invalidate, themselves, in order to "please" others. Such an incredibly steep price to pay, for pseudo-connection. As a result, the people pleaser has resentments, doesn't feel seen/heard/known, and as a result feels very lonely. They don't see their role. Definitely, it is a learned pattern to get-along, to survive the family dynamics etc., however it will ruin relationships until the person addresses the issues.
To reprogram the subconscious, heal the core wounds, and question the narratives (the meaning we give things...that is often false), call out cognitive distortions, and therefore clear our lenses of ourselves and others...is how a person can move into their own authenticity.
To have self agency and advocate for one's needs, is so empowering.
To be able to state needs and boundaries, clearly and confidently...and know you are showing up for yourself, is incredible. To know that the people who are meant to be will be the ones who honor you for yourself, and not for a facade of people pleasing, is amazing!
@@Alphacentauri819 This is some great practical advice man, where'd you learn this? I'd like to learn some more and heal myself
Thank you @@Alphacentauri819
Having low self-esteem/no self-worth, social anxiety and being a people pleaser/pushover/doormat might be signs of childhood emotional neglect. Did your mother provide basic needs, such as, food and shelter, but fail to provide love, warmth, physical affection, an emotional bond? A loving mother helps build the child's identity, a neglectful one might lead to people pleasing behavior. Because the child lacked unconditional love from her mother, she yearns for that love and acceptance through appeasing others, while suppressing her own needs. Your needs are important and should be put first. Try therapy to build confidence.
Don't forget fathers with anger management problems. You end up becoming hyper vigilant, sensitive and people pleasing.
It's a hard habit to break.
That hurt a lot.
That was a mind opener
This..this hurts.. 😔
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 any parent that constantly yell at their child and not showing the proper love create people pleaser
Problem with this is as a people pleaser you end up being drawn to people who can and like making decisions because you've spent your whole life never truly deciding what you want. In response to this when you do start putting yourself and your feelings first you often then clash with those people you've spent a lot of your life with because they aren't use to you putting your opinions out there and it's scary to think about those friendships or relationships ending in response to you changing.
Being a people pleaser is really exhausting. For me is like having many different personalities at the same time. I noticed that being a people pleaser is a serious problem for me... Because... I do not know who am I anymore. I do not know what I like, what I do not like, what I am passionate about, what I hate... I do not know myself at all.
I feel like a camaleon, I feel like if I could be anyone you want me or need me to be, I can become your reflection, your dreamed friend, your lover.
For example, do you like rock? I love it! Do you like animals? I want to become a veterinarian! Do you like politics? I am an expert at international politics! Do you like philosophy? That is my favorite hobbie!!!
Are you into bdsm? Me too!!!
I had done SOO many things that I did not like just because I just could not say NO to other people... And I feel ashamed and guilty for all that. I had been cruel, a slut, a nerd, a drug user... Just because I can't say no. I had totally betray myself in the past. Now... I do not know who am I...
I really want to change, but it will be a big challenge for me... After all... Being a people pleaser is part of my soul.
I just do not feel worthy of having my own opinions, worthy of happiness or honest love. Is like everyone else were much more important than myself.
my exact thoughts recently... using the quarantine to get to know my actual self....
Ask God. He created you into this awesome, complex person unique in every way. Psalm 139.
Don't think I've ever pleased anyone as I always say it like it is + shrug it off
I was the same especially to friends but I became closer to God and now I know my identity is a child of God. Now I feel more like I'm not out to please people but I do want to do right by God and sometimes that is in opposition with what people want of me. Now instead of wanting people to like me, I am more scared of people disliking me. I'm still a work in progress but at least I now know how to say NO.
I realized this a bit late from my own experience. It alright. I hope you can find your own true self and understand them. One of the strongest key here for you to recover or start healing is by stepping away from those who aren't good for you. Cut them off if you could, especially those who do more harm than being helpful towards your own being.
Healing takes time. You can mourn and grieve for all that you've done, but learn to have self compassion and slowly move on. Promise yourself that you can be a better person, better than who you were yesterday.
It will be alright. I noticed this is an old post from you, but I hope you're doing fine. You'll get through this. I believe you'll reach that point where you can happily say that you're comfortable with your own self and love yourself for who you are. Believe in yourself more, dear stranger. You deserve it.
Have a great day.
Edit: You dont have to be anyone's anything. If you have that ability, just imagine how amazing you can be if you could do that to your own self. Be your own good friend, treating yourself with something special, heck even act like a parent to yourself. You sound like you have a good soul. Dont waste it on other toxic people. You've gave them enough. I know its hard to draw a line, a boundary, but you really need it. I've done it, and I really wish I could understand it sooner. Its not too late for you. There's hope. Dont give up on yourself.
This is completely me. It's awful, I might say. I try to be as neutral as possible, try to be as quiet as possible, try to be the best person of all to anyone. In childhood, I never could reply my bullies, actually, I always tried to be a very cool person to them. I always liked to draw and make art, so in art classes all my bullies would come to me and ask "would you like to draw it for me???" and I knew I couldn't say no. I'd be bullied again. I think this might be a factor that made me grew up like this.
It's too fricking hard to me to say "no". I always say "maybe", "perhaps?", "who knows?", "maybe I'll want to do it later".
Sellers, specially street sellers, LOVE me. They'll show me whatever they're trying to sell and I can't say no. It's awful.
These and many other situations are like this to me. And you know what is at stake? My own personality. My own originality. My own opinions. I try to hide it all and be a chameleon. But it is so exhausting. It is like having multiple characters with masks and portraying these lots of unique characters to each person possible, to be the "pleaser-est" person to each one. It's. Tiring.
Thank you so much for this video, I think it's a little-discussed subject. I'm trying my best to change it in me, it's hard, but I try.
Fun fact: my username KensoulEu is a word play with the Portuguese phrase "quem sou eu?" (that is pronounced like "ken soul eu?"), which means "who am I?": it's a reflection of that behaviour. I prefer to be cryptic and be "discovered" for people, then I can mold myself to them.
@@akaki4381 I hope you don't mind my trying to reply, as I actually feel the same as KensoulEu described. I believe the answer to your question is in both of his messages.
The biggest problem for me is that, having tried to be polite with everybody around, to please my relatives, friends and even strangers, to be "a good girl", I lost myself. I've got used to hide my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts. It's tricky, because now I really don't know who am I and what do I want/like.
Wearing the masks 24/7 is exhausting, and it's also a blind alley. Being a pleaser is actually playing hide-and-sick with yourself. It has aggravated my psyhological problems and provoked a range of psychosomatic illnesses.
Another problem for me is that I haven't learnt to cope with my emotions properly, as I always hid them.
And yes, it's damn hard, almost impossible to say NO, thank you, but I don't like/want/need it, I won't do it (especially when it comes to family members).
But I think that awareness of the problem, acceptance and the will to change something/everything are a real milestone. Although it's difficult, I am on my way))
I hope this helps.
I can relate to this too. I think my biggest problem is unable to express myself. Because I can't express myself, I just stay quiet if I am troubled by something because I sometimes I can't even pinpoint what's bothering me. So it ends up just eating me up inside unbeknownst to me. Aaaaaand then I end up with a lot of repressed anger. What a vicious cycle.
@@ChiaraOdessa hey i really feel u im in the same place as u these days im tryna to love myself and do things for me not for others amd really seems hard cuz i dont really know who iam or what i really want to be cuz ive been years torturing myself by pleasing others and living for them and making them first loving them and respecting them more than i do tomyself and these days its also hard to convince myself that i dont need their attention or love to complete me and its hard cuz i dont really know who iam rn i really lost myself but i try to keep on going i hope ull make too believe i really know what ur talking about and i hope we can help eachother if u want u really seem like someone with beautiful soul
@@ChiaraOdessa Wow... you just described me. Especially the "I got used to hiding my thoughts/feelings, and now I don't even KNOW what I think/feel" part. It really feels like I'm an empty shell of a person. I don't have any desires or wishes to do anything in my life, if it doesn't include somehow helping other people. I always felt this, but wasn't quite sure what it was. Now I guess I know. Hopefully it can change.
Anyways, thank you for this comment, it really resonated and has helped me find perspective. Best wishes.
Ok but can we also appreciate how good the animation style is?? It's really unique and cute.
Yes I was totally thinking the same! There's something about it that feels nostalgic and is super soothing to look at. I want to see more!!
Glad to see another video on this, I think trying to please everyone is a big reason why so many people are unhappy. The moment when you can realize that you will not able to please everyone, is when you lead a much happier life. I definitly had big issues with this in the past. (I'm sure we have to some extent)
Love the quality this channel brings out, Quality > Quantity is what I strive for too.
You have potential man
Any advice to us
Because the only thing I did is I just ignored people and just stay a lonely dude and it's sad but I feel relaxed and I kinda regretted it
My father would go into long fits of rage throughout my childhood where he'd yell, curse and hit me. The worst part is I never knew when it was coming so I was always on edge. During his long confrontational rants I'd just stand there in front of him for ages listening to him yell at me at how horrible I was and whenever I got a chance to speak I was immediately shut down. I stood up for myself only a few times and in those times no matter what I said it was not the right answer - not what he wanted to hear. So I just kept my mouth shut. Now I get panic attacks before I have to confront someone and this year has been especially rough but I'm learning that confrontation is ok and is does not and should not end in screaming and violence. I'm also learning I can't control how people react and that's ok and it's better to speak up for myself than to say nothing at all.
Same. May God bless you and bring you healing and strength. 🥰🙌
I read once " parents always ruin their children " its kinda universal ..
Just take care of yourself budd.
This one hits home, I literally couldn't even confront anyone in the house no matter how very little the thing is, to the fear of them reacting in violent way when the thing is it wouldn't. Ended up stressing over every single wrong things they did when I could've intervene and confront them instead
I hope you're finding peace 🤍
Keep up the good fight! I can rellate
I've been a people pleaser for such a long time. Mostly because I was afraid of backlash and being hated. But eventually I realized two truths. One I'm not a little kid anymore. There's very few people who actually would and could react in a way that would devastate me physically. To be hated it isn't even a big deal. People can hate me as long as I don't hate myself. Why should I care about being hated by someone who's reason for hatred is that I opened up about my true feelings and didn't allow my boundaries to be violated. It's not my problem if they are immature in that way.
Still living with my parents. Forced to stay in that pattern with them, even though i managed to mostly come out of it with others. It's so exhausting, i want to be myself always
This resonates deeply with me. Emotional neglect during childhood messed up my ability to be "pleasant without being a people pleaser."
But I'm learning and working hard to be content with not pleasing everyone.
I'm still
I actually LIKE helping others. I work as a CNA and our job is to literally please others. We go above and beyond the normal expectations to make sure our residents are properly cared for.
But this sense of empathy has manifested into every aspect of my life. I’m just Toooo nice to people...even random strangers now. Being a people pleaser turned all my relationships toxic.
But would you be shouting, abusive? Basics of morality , spirituality have to be there na!
The illustration was really comforting!
That comfort was needed.
I had been born with a disfigurement.... And all my life even though I had a good heart. When I was around ppl it became ppl pleasing and on. I hate to see someone hurt because I knew what they felt. And to this day I still protect anyone being belittle! Living the experience of being a be little person and embarrassed and people talking about you..... I know too well. I think the most kind ppl are the ones that live though the horrific times of their life.
My dad used to get upset when I did not follow every step of his examples. I remember him scolding me harshly for writing the number zero not the same way he wrote even though the end result looked identical.
i am a people pleaser and I would go a long distance not to upset others. But it is a relief to know and be able to articulate what my issues are.
Peace is not by pleasing other people. When was the last time you've had a time for you? Not buying stuff for other people, but for you? Articulate this, you matter to you, and all the rest are just tools. Don't please the boss, don't please the wife, don't please the kids, don't please everybody you love, first please you! Cheers
I am sadly a people-pleaser. It's in my blood. I realised recently how this has made me dishonest with the closest people to myself. I decided to abandon this ugly habit, but it's still not working for me as I wish. I think I need more time to change.
Although I really like these videos, I often notice that the parent is “blamed”. While that doesn’t have to be the reason. I feel like some people are people pleasers because at a young age, they discovered that being a pleaser results into everyone liking you. This can gradually get out of hand. The same is true for other videos and takes away from the nuance of the video.
I completely agree! My parents and home life were incredible in childhood, it was who I associated myself with in school who started to make me act and feel this way.
Such a mind opening video. Thanks!
I just want to fix myself
@@soseikiharagatatsu7859 well, good luck
Unfortunetely , I'm a people pleaser too. I can not say "No" to people because I think it makes them sad .
we have to learn to say, NO! anymore
i thought it is because of empathy?, i am not saying no
I overcame this behavioural pattern by getting in shape. It sounds odd, but as i became more muscular and with well defined abs, I became more confident of myself and my opinions. I spoke my mind, without fear of contradiction. I mastered the habit of not giving extra fucks.
Everytime someone even slightly gets hurt by me in some way, I blow up. I give in. I do lie to make people feel better..
Guilty. People pleasing ruined my professional life. I am still learning to communicate better. I am still failing but there are successful communications that are stuck in my head that I calculate all the time to understand to use the newly found skills better.
The parent thing explains a lot. This hit me real hard
I thought I stopped being a people pleaser ages ago, until now when someone who texted me a lot - more than I could handle, and I replied to not hurt them - started ignoring me and in front of my own eyes started giving the same intense attention to someone else. That HURT a LOT. I realized it's my fault for thinking of her instead of me and by that I have given up on my own needs, and now she did the same - I'm not so interesting to her anymore. I need to step back a bit... Thanks for the video, always something for any situation I find myself dealing with ❤
I'm 22 now and have shot down every opportunity at doing something I've wanted to do because I felt I had to please my parents with what they wanted me to do (which was never the case, just like this video explained - I wasn't able to explain my passion due to being worried of their disappointment). I've become a pushover and always put myself second when it comes to people pleasing. Something happened over the last year where I've come to realize I have to care about myself, be a little selfish and more careful before I can ever care about someone else. It's tough shit, here I thought I was just a genuinely nice dude but more and more I see it's a psychological issue.
I had both, the angry dad and the depressing mom. So I ended up being a people pleaser for hate and for love, luckily now I am realizing how damaging my patterns can be
angry dad is the worst 😂
Ugh I can be such a people pleaser a lot of the time. I struggle with being assertive, mainly just with adults though. I just don't stand up for what I believe when it comes to conflict against an adult. With my peers I'm perfectly fine.
I worry that I just might be this person. I want to help people but I can't fix something if they don't want to change. I shouldn't want to fix others but I'm so afraid of what that might bring.
Description Untitled
This gets to me. I grew up being called a good girl who knows how to take care of everyone’s emotions except for my own. My parents both are very emotional and explosive. One word wrong - it goes down a very wrong path. I used to fear their reactions and therefore I learnt to smoothen the facts (lie) in order not to be scolded or end the day in a bad atmosphere. And when I myself want to express I realise that I have only extreme ways of doing that: either pleasing people (the survival skill learnt) or go explosive (the model seen) and I gradually realise that is not how people outside of my original family operate. Even grey has many shades, let alone emotions. I now learn to express with ‘degrees’ : slightly annoyed, annoyed, slightly upset , upset ...and I react accordingly with words or actions in order not to go extremes. It is okay to say no and we need to be somewhat ‘elastic’ in human relationship but not to bend ourselves for others cause u will resent.
Thinking of this stuff, I just want to go back in time and make lots of different decisions
I'm definitely a people pleaser. My dad was abusive, so if I didn't say and do everything to keep him happy, he'd blow up. I've had ex-girlfriends a foot shorter than me and almost half my weight, but that fear of saying or doing something that might upset them still consumed my mind. It's a daily struggle, but I'm slowing recovering and becoming more true to myself
I am definitely not a people pleaser. I do not let people walk all over me. And "no" is my favorite word.
The most miserable thing about being a people pleaser is that we get to forget what we really want, who we really are. Because it has happened when we were too young, when we were too helpless before we could figure out our identity.
We get to get used to please ourselves hiding our real feelings and real desires, eventually. It is possible to get through others, but it is super difficult to get through oneself, It is a tremendous ruin from parents as exploitation. And we harbour the deep pain in our unconsciousness with the punishment to make ourselves nicer and more open to others which can not easily get on the surface.
I had a friend and he was people pleaser too, and he admitted it. When i showed this video to him and gave him motivations and support, he said "this is what i wanted, even if i am a people pleaser, it makes me happy to see others happy too". Said by the man who fired 2 times already because he was framed by his partners. Since then i never hear any news from him again after he moved to USA, miss him really.
I am a people pleaser and I Am suffering from this about 7 years I want to overcome this and now I will do because I have may own opinions and I have to make my own voice.yes I can do this.
I was looking up how to be a pleasant person, but this video changed my mind. Thank you.
The real question is that is anyone actually not a people pleaser to some degree?
Louise I believe society centers around how people perceive others.
Narcissists aren't true people pleasers. If they do anything for anyone else it's only because they plan on getting something out of that person.
violet goodman True, good point. I'd rather be a people pleaser than a toxic Narc though
I think we all are, to some extent. But we are very very very different in the way we plase others (when, with what purpose, how..)
I am, or was, a people pleaser. I felt most of the time depressed but would act energized and happy. I felt so used by myself. I always asked myself who I am, that I'm fucking fake, that I'm not expressing myself or my feelings. I hid myself and acted hyped, for random people. I was so scared they'll get bored, because I thought the reason they are bored, or in a bad mood, is me. I felt like loosing myself. That was about a year ago, now I get to hear stuff like "you were so energetic blablabla, I thought you're strong blabla" these words give me the feeling I disappointed everybody. But I feel so relieved, being the true me. Sometimes there are situations with my family where I'm acting cheerful and funny, because I don't want my family to fight. And it feels like my soul gets sucked out, that acting for peoples pleasure is exhausting as fuck.
I was abused as a child, my parents beat me up whenever I talked back (justify myself or reason) or basically did anything they didn't like or didn't follow their order right away. Now I'm physically incapable of doing otherwise even to other people. It's like a reflex to me now. Even if I know I shouldn't, it's almost impossible for me to say no or act for my best interest instead of the other party's. I'm terrified of "offending" others like my body thinks I'm gonna get hit again for displeasing others.
Once I get enough money, I'm going to try therapy.
It’s also the pressure from the internet. You have to look this way to be “excepted”, you must believe in what others believe. There is a difference between accepting others beliefs than being forced
I'm a people pleaser but not an enabler, I will help people if they are in genuine trouble but not for every day of the week, The quickest way to test if someone think of you as an easy tool to use is when you say no to their request and see if they get upset or not
I have been a people pleaser all my life long because in my childhood I missed my father.. He was always away for work and never spent quality time with me. I always researched his attention in all the people I met. But these people often hurt me even if I was kind and like a nurse. Then events happened to me and I went into therapy and discovered my patterns. It was a huge wake up. I changed my mindset deeply. Listen, when you are a people pleaser it means you are missing something and you also have low self esteem. People are not so good 100% of the time and they will take advantage of you, you must keep boundaries unfortunately and raise yourself. Love yourself First, say NO is a huge High Self Esteem pattern, stay alone, explore yourself and know about your lacking. Solve your patterns and you won't be a people pleaser again. You will gain the respect you deserve because you were the first to respect yourself!
I suffer from being a ppl pleaser at a young age, too. Because I showed my father a famous girl singer in his time, but he turned trans in my time. I told him my opinions, We disagreed cause he was kinda being homophobic, so I didn't want to straight up say that, but I pushed my own statement. He screamed at me for disagreeing with him, so that day I just started not putting my own self first and I became second. I started noticing that being a people pleaser rlly made my life harder because I was so traumatized by the way my father reacted that I didn't want that reaction again from a diff person, so my emotions came second. I'm so sad that this happened, because my spirit did not flourish and instead broke. It's still early though, and I am so grateful for ppl sharing their own experiences and how they are going to change that because they want self improvement. You guys have helped me so much, I'm not there yet, being myself again, but I will be the best version of myself again. Let's wish eachother good luck, everyone :-)). GOOD LUCK TO ME ON MY OWN SELF-IMPROVEMENT JOURNEY, WILL LET YOU GUYS UPDATED.
update on my self improvement journey: the grandma aka the person who's always angry because I don't over obsess and fixate too much on my not that messy room, got angry abt something I didn't do then started nit picking every little thing when i defended myself. this made me go up to my room, cry, $elf H@rm, took a video of it, then cried some more. The only way i can think of to be happier and actually improve is to move out and stop being around her or my father. They got really angry because I didn't shrivel up, swallowed my own emotions and comforted them. 8/29/21
This describes me as a child exactly. But I was exposed to working men and soldiers from whom I learned how to be healthily indifferent to the wants of everyone else.
I used to be a people-pleaser then I rebounded to be a cruel. Now, I am trying to be that person who can say "NO" with a smile.
mshanafi Scratch that just be yourself not what you think society wants
Amazing , I will probably face this struggle too after I stop being a people pleaser 😂👏🏼 where’s the balance 😫😫
Venus Women get it easier haha
The truth is bitter but it's heals too we need to stop pleasing people like I have stopped it's stress free when you stop
"Your flaws aren't flaws they are simply protection"
I’ve never been so call out in my life. My parents used to fight a lot and my mom would go MENTAL and violent sometimes. I always tried to make peace between them, to make everyone happy. It shows in my behaviour today. This video hurts
The worst thing about being a people pleaser is when they call you out on it.
Thanks for suggesting a way out of it.
I really liked the perspective of knowing and telling ourselves that all the people in the world are not the same as the people who made us grow into people pleasers.
It helps to have courage to tell the truth about how we feel
so its because of people we are people pleaser, so why people pleasing is bad thing, can you explain?
So true an so necessary! I'm a people pleaser, on my way to exiting this vicious circle. Thanks for this video!!
I always blame my parents for holding me back in my life and I never gotten to do anything that I wanted to do.
I'm going to be 59 years old a couple weeks my mother is gone.
But my dad be is still here , but his health is failing.
But he still orders me around and asking where I am going, and I can definitely say why I was in trouble most of my life.
My parents drove me to being Alcoholic for 35 years and I been in jail and pri
Don't blame your parents. It's all your fault.
You allowed your parents to do so.
I cry with these things, I've hurt myself a lot due to being a people pleaser 💔
I now realize after 10 years of relationship and 6 years of marriage with my wife, all I do is please her, doing the things she wants me to do when she doesnt want to so it herself. Basically against my will I end up doing it anyway and always end up feeling taken advantage of. Terrible cycle I identified and trying to work it out in our relationship, on the other side, my marriage cannot be better, have a baby on the way, brand new house, both got good jobs, life is good. Comunication is key, and having the willingness to work things out.
I consider myself a team player, which is why I enjoy assisting those who are frequently lacking in knowledge. Nonetheless, it can become quite tedious.
Raised in my teens by a psychotic stepparent who would explode in rage if you displeased him. Yep. Now I’m fighting against the terror of not pleasing those in authority, or those whom I respect, and I’m often full of contempt and rage.
Be an encourager rather than a pleaser. Stand back + ask if this or that project is really going where you want to be headed. Without a plan + a strong sense of purpose you'll drift
My parents had issues so i never expressed myself as kid i didnt want to make them angry
And later in life i end up molding myself according to people i meet, I became what they want so they'd be with me and i didn't want people to forget me so I was never my authentic self with anyone. I've been pretending my entire life so saddening
I was never what I needed or wanted but i was what everyone else needed
Now i am scared to make new connections because i don't want to repeat my old patterns
I was always a good student and I could never say no to people who asked me to cheat or copy my hw. There were also times when some classmates treated my best friend nasty and I didn’t do anything to stop that. I wanted them to like me. The only thing I did was support her afterwards. I feel so guilty about it. Another thing that bothers me is that I always stayed quiet and never shared my opinion (I only did shared my opinion among close friends). As I’m getting older I want to change that and become more confident in my beliefs, myself and realise that my own comfort and happiness is more important.
When you try hard to please others ...people see you as needy who is expecting a return. No one wants to be associated with a weak and needy person. Also, you are losing many good friends and opportunities in life.
i think we don't talk enough the quality of the animation!
I'm learning that I can say NO . Also learning that I don't have to explain myself when I say "No" . Usually I'd stumble over trying to find a reason to why I didn't want to go along with what people demanded of me. But I don't have to give reasons if I don't want to .
Also when a people pleaser asks for what they want, they got into fights with people they care about so they start to don't care about their needs and wants. Because it is too tiring to fight
I do feel this answers 'Why to stop being a people pleaser' rather than how...
Thank you, school of life.
Your videos are really helping me to understand life's chaos and calming them into a good conclusion.
I'm really thankful to you😔.
It hurts how true this is
So, no one is going to appreciate the fact that this video could have been extended to 30 mins, but he caused us convenience... thanks...
Im always pleasing helping ppl when no body comes to to ask if im good, with my friends is the same as well, even family, its time to step it up, ommm once i come from my vction is time for me to make changes i work with specail ed adults sometimes i feel like they trapping me , its time for me to say stop give me space is mind drwoing
I struggle with refusing to do overtime when I don't want to do it..
I don't like when I catch myself saying sorry for things that are not that important like failing a pass or a shot in a sport, I don't like that feeling of guilt for something that every human has the right to do like fail from time to time
Your videos are truly helping me identify so many challenges I hadn't considered beforeee. Thanksss
My younger brother is a good example of a people pleaser .One day i commented about his unkept hair and have a haircut but he refuses claiming that his friends like it the way it is.This really made me furious until i have to stop being such a people pleaser and do what is best for him.I even warned him that his friends are mocking him without knowing
Today I got a drink and brought it to class. A classmate asked me if she could have a sip when I had not taken any. We are not close and I hate sharing saliva. I said yes regardless. I don't even like her and I am so scared of covid. Still I said yes. I hate her. I hate myself even more.
Now I know why I‘ve always liked villains. They don't care what others think, which I aspire to do.
I never thought about people pleasers as liars, but in a sense agreeing with others even if we disagree, is the same as lying. I liked that one can be “pleasant without being a people pleaser.”
On some videos I feel like he's just completely reading me, it feels strange but relieving at the same time.
I'm a high-functioning depressive people-pleaser, who compensates by being highly critical anonymously online. My critique of this video is that it doesn't say anything to people like me, who, since nothing brings us pleasure, have no other motivation other than pleasing those we care about.
I'm 21 years old and didn't know there was a word you could apply to this behavior, and i am this , but not anymore fuck it, great video and thank you
That explains why I enjoy being alone 🥲
It doesnt mean that we mistreat them. In 2018 I was very depressed, I asked myself why people loved me although I thought that I am not what they think I am. It wasn’t me, but I went too far til I made little friends, it doesn’t help me progress at some point, at the other point it feels so good to be hated of being you. So make friends. Care for people, if someone is hurt, help them. Don’t be judgmental, we never know who is nicer you or me. Stop deciding people’s life, a lot of times on social media we tend to stalk celebrities or others for no reason, and if we see them do this and that, we often mistakenly become judgmental , they have their own life, don’t decide neighbours life aswell. No shittalking, it’s a part of being judgemental, except if the person asked you to. Please people only if they need to be helped. If someone is being a dick to you than fuck them, they have all rights to hate you anyways, see they are who they are, so you must be you. Lying to yourself is the biggest sin that you do to yourself.
I'm am not a people pleaser at all. But at some point my friends were making fun of how cheap and strict I was about everything. Then I started to lie and act cool and chill. Now I feel very bad because I can't go back to my real behaviour without causing trouble...
Thank you for this insightful lesson
Im like this but didnt know it. But it dosent come out of a bad place, I just didnt know I had an option to say, no.
Yeah, 21, dead end job, many mental illnesses, always in a broken home of some sort and it's going to kill me because I buy whatever alcohol I can to not be so fucking anxious around other people's attitudes. It's like it takes the fight or flight adrenaline rush away but is killing me at the same time. Tried to get help multiple times, some hospital admissions etc but I just can't stop the drinking. No safe space, no good people around me and I cannot find or keep them. As I write this I'm planning on going down to the bottle shop and buy a cask of wine to have as soon as everyone in my house is either asleep or is past midnight where I'm usually left alone. It recently caused me to blackout so hard, which I have never had before, because I could always manage my drinks. This time was different, I got so bad, the cops took me to hospital and gave me 3 lorazepam because I was freaking out, as I was blacked out and didn't know why I was in hospital under suicide watch. I can't find real friends. No one around me would understand if I opened up about it, they don't believe in "mental illnesses" either so there's no escape and it's lonely. Fuck.
there is a difference between people pleaser and being a good friend.
I would never pleasing other people. But, I also realises that there are so many things I could learn from other people. Take a look at Fb, I like to read what other put on their status, but I'm not gonna give flatterly comments etc...that is just hypocrite.... I've never really like them. Most (well most) just be there for showing off.
I feel so unhappy when I'm not with my true self, it's like my soul is not contented, just a pure surface level of fake happiness. I wish I could stop to please other people, I wish I was selfish, I wish I don't have my emotional trauma in my childhood which leads me this way. I wish people understand what going on inside me. ☹️
I’m a people pleaser! I so care what people think about me, especially the cool in-crowd. Their reactions to my foibles are so important to me. 😂😂😂
This was awesome - we all need to hear this now and again. Well said and thank you 🤍
Not to seem self- diagnosing or anything, but from my experience, people pleasing caused me alot of stress and at some times, having panic attacks because I remembered displeasing people at times and burdening them
Learning to say “no” calmly and confidently has done me more good than thousands of hours of therapy
I wanna learn too, please share the sources or teach us.
This is what I am now working on xx keep well all
@@sarahparker5418just decide never to lie. Try always say what you want and how you feel. Thats it.
would you have been able to say "no" without those thousands of hours of therapy?
@@sarahparker5418 I once watched a TH-cam video which said to say "no" Comfortably what you can to is bargain some time before you respond like, "let me think about it", " Oh, I'll let you know ", " How about we schedule a meeting later this week to discuss this? How's Wednesday?"
I hope it helps
Discovering this channel has made me realize how many psychological issues I have.
hahahha we are all damaged and broken in our own ways
Kaoutar Daoudi I hear that one!
You're pathologizing yourself. The "psychologized individual" is a recent ontological shift. Don't believe the hype.
Weak
Fanny Z Mines too🤣🤣✌️
I've been a people pleaser basically all my life. But I don't do it to make others happy. I do it out of fear of how they will respond towards me, which I guess says a lot about my childhood. I'm always scared if I don't go along I will be hated, abandoned, ridiculized, judged, that they will get the wrong idea of me forever, or will be angry at me and I can't stand that feeling. I'm terrified of even upsetting a stranger, even if I never see them again. It is something that has affected me my whole life, leaving me feeling powerless and resentful. People usually take advantage of me or disrespect me because they know I'm not strong enough to stand up for myself. This always leaves me with inmense regret for all the things I could have said or done differently to defend myself. This also hurts my self esteem and confidence. And it sucks because the only thing I know to do to protect myself is to close down and not open up to people, and even though it saves me the trouble of being used it also leaves me feeling very lonely and like something is wrong with me. But when I do open up even a little bit my trust is usually broken and there I am back again at square one, building my walls back up. I just feel like I need to protect myself from the entire world, I'm scared of being unpleseantly myself. This is the reason why I don't have any friends and have also never dated anyone. I'm only close to my family members because I have learned to stop trying to please them lol. Man, I don't know why I'm pouring out like this in a comment section, but this video really opened my eyes. I'll do my best to change this and finally be happy, even if that upsets others.
Oh man I relate so much to this. Just reading and thinking about all the wasted years and opportunities of being myself, of making real friends, of having fun, makes my heart burn in pain. Regret is the worst feeling in the world. I hope I can change this in time so I can look back by the end of my life and still feel proud of what I achieved and did in life.
Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to a lot of what you say. I constantly try to please others as I fear rejection above everything else.
Are you sure you were not raised by narcissist parents? I was and they ruined my life. I have been a people pleaser out of fear and learned helplessness. Now I'm recovering but I attract any psycho around and I'm changing a lot. There are many videos to find out if any of your parents have narcissist traits. You probably are not weak but they made you to believe it so they make sure you will serve them forever.
felt
This is me. Going through the same, the stage is tough but I will make it.
I was once a people pleaser until I began to realize that people were taking advantage of my kindness and when I needed help from those I have helped they never even bothered to help me. I got tired of it.
Alana Nicole I’m caring for someone with cancer. He’ll be fine, but you really learn how everyone is. His own sister wouldn’t get up an hour early for him.
Yes.. Takers and manipulators galore. Don't cast your pearls before swine. I did..and now my cup is empty
Ive been feeling this way a lot recently its so hard to get out of it but im working on it
@@MrMootube1000 me too... It's really hard, because I don't want to hurt other people's feelings, and I don't want them to hate me for disagreeing or refusing to help.
Pleasers need to gather and synergise while leeches can keep their selfish world for themselves... 😵😵😵
I was raised to always treat others with respect and be kind to everyone. I think somewhere in my early life I took this too far and wanted everyone who came across me to have a pleasant experience with me. I later realized that is highly unrealistic as we are all different and no matter how kind you are to someone, it doesn’t mean they mesh with you or have to like you. And that is totally okay! I feel as you get older, you start to realize that.
I agree I think as you age you start you realize it's not a good thing to people please
Thank you.
Yes I couldn’t agree more
Brian Tobias You are right, it is totally okay, not the best option in theory of 100% perfect life we all like to imagine if we have 100% good intent, but it is in this life and coping with people in this life. Education level, stubbornness, greed, low love drive and self centeredness I think is what causing irrational and savage behavior, people's choices are often not based on bringing a positive contribution into the society as whole. In my opinion life isn't just about personal profit, and okaying everything that happens now a days is becoming a little more difficult? Yet, I do too contradict my self a little, but on the positive thought, it was just as difficult back in the day with the way most people thought, because people still think the same way. My favorite expression is "we are hard-pressed in every way, we are perplexed, but not absolutely with no way out". That is what keeps me going I guess, though most people can care less about what I think, some people just plain and simple sometimes are ready to beat me up again for the sound of my voice. Hahaha...
This exactly
I was a people pleaser almost al my life, I was always called as such a nice and loving person who’s kind to everyone. Once I stopped being that and attended to my own needs and happiness I suddenly became an angry,moody and needy person! Funny how people will love you until you become yourself
Rings so true.. I’m in the process myself and I fear that it will push the few friends I have away. But come to think of it “angry, moody and needy” sounds like what my ex was like and I still loved her despite of it. I’m afraid to loose people I love, like almost anybody, hope is that truer relationships are ahead of us after this process, with our current loved ones or without. Staying a people pleaser feels to me like it is not an option since it will inevitably means ending up frustrated and feeling alone
You said it right, and this explains why we do this: to be loved by people putting a mask on and mirroring their desires
Yep
This is the BS society feeding us: Forgo our authentic feelings, needs, and wants.
that's because you lied about yourself.
A relation is like a contract, you gave information so the other know what they are investing in, and then once the relation settle you reveal that these information were false.
Of course the other party feels wronged.
What angers and frustrates me is. Ppl will ask and expect things of you that they themselves wouldn’t do in return if you asked. There’s no mutual respect.
Yes!!!!
When you exhibit submissive behaviors like being a people pleaser of course people are going to take advantage of you, especially those that are predatory (i.e. assholes and bullies).
My mother always said, it's not the crazy one that asks, it's the crazy one that gives. A lot of people will just try/ask, and you forget that 'No' is also an answer.
Yes, exactly this!! This is what really gets to me. My partner will expect me to do things (bits of housework etc), and tell me so, but they're not willing to do it themselves when i say the same in return. That is the root of this problem, the golden rule - you can't ask (or demand) that somebody does something for you, if you're not willing to do the same for them.
Wish I had learned to set up boundaries from an young age
Ouch, this hits very very hard...
I felt like he was talking directly to me.
wwwKx yea I feel you.
Sad nigga hours
Same
same