Julia Kristina Counselling This video has pointed out a lot of characteristics that I have and I am so ashamed that I am guilty of being this way. Also, I’m reading a book on gaslighting and I am honestly blown away at the things that I am learning about myself and others. You are really helping me and I would like for you to be my therapist Dr. Julia Kristina.
Julia Kristina Counselling I think the whole thing was wonderful because you really have a great ability to make your points eloquently and succinctly. I am so appreciative ❤️
It is a marvellous video. I am guilty as charged and I want to show my daughter how not to do this too and repeat history! Thank you Julia, you are fabulous. I am off to buy a big laminator and a Say No notice is the first one I shall make!😍🌻My friend Michelle is my support and I hope to be hers too!
Thankyou Julia. I have these traits for over 30 years since my mother's suicide when I was 11, the unstable years before of her personality, father's absence and unstable relatives who had to raise me, didn't want me. Talk Psychology does not break the trauma patterns in the mind, OCD anxiety, depression , so now trying Clinical Hypnotherapy and EMDR therapy.
The feeling of loneliness also comes from self isolation because it's exhausting to be a people pleaser all the time and the fewer people there is around us, the less exhausting it is. I'm so tired.
Yes, I tend to avoid people because I can't manage the requests (real or not) from them. So I stay in and avoid social situations because they're too much hard work. And that can lead to loneliness.
You get tired probably, because of the fact of putting that fake front up, and by doing this you abandon a part of yourself which represents your authentic behavior, but we hide it because we're afraid of being unloved and rejected but once you get rid of all the problems that hurt you when you were a child and accept, you allow yourself to be grounded and stop having "this need" of pleasing people and saying yes when you want to say no. Then you will feel more happy, relieved and relaxed (you won't get tired anymore).
I just turned 26 years old and I just started to learn to set boundaries. Im learning to say no to people and I am also learning to be okay with not being liked by everybody.
I'm happy for you. This just illustrates how important parenting is and how much of our past is quite literally a total blind spot that can only be extricated by DEEEP self discovery.
I used to be a pp but not so much anymore. It feels pretty good not to worry about how others feel. Their happiness or lack of is no longer my responsibility.
@@alexanderle239 maybe. people are who they are. And don’t get sucked in by their drama. I’m sick of looking for others approval. I like spending time alone now. I use to hate it. Best of luck to you!!
@@oftenwrong. that is actually really good advice. Thank you so much Too bad sometimes life lessons really do have to be learned by living life haha Thanks again I’ll try to take it to heart
@@oftenwrong. hey just wanted to say I actually have been taking this to heart and it really has improved my outlook on daily life. Thanks for the comment, I literally went back and searched to tell you it meant that much
Yes true. I also demand respect from people especially from those new people who I got to know even on social media. I established my boundaries like, don't call me on time of my duty.
Yes, I like to be liked. When I say no sometimes people get mad or have an attitude. Thanks for being rather firm about this issue. I’m 66 and still trying to figure out who I really am lol! Great video!
SAME people expect me to always be nice and say yes! So when we ‘as she said throw off balance’ people don’t like it, but it’s hard to have balance when it’s something new. And it comes down to self worth/esteem so much which I didn’t even knew I had. Also I agree about being kind and patient to yourself! But how does one do it? 😩
Oh really .....i dont No the key to success but the key to failure is try to please everyone ......im Thrilled and delighted that i discovered that in my twinties ...iam in love with my self .....i want you to know that you are enough, whole , worthy and unique .......bless be with you Mrs...take care and be well....
Femm3BoiJay i used to be there, i still am sometimes but i do recognise now when i am being a people pleaser and i either chose to be that way with certain people or i just dont care, theres much power in being urself
I was a PEOPLE PLEASER up till NOW. To be nice & cute & friendly. I need for acceptance & approval. I was so Lonely & disconnected always. Felt so fake all time. No wonder I was taken for granted & mistreated. Depression & anxiety & panic attacks became my best friends
You know that major guilt after you actually brought up something that was on your mind for a long time and when ppl even show the tiniest bit of discomfort you start playing it down like it didn't even hurt /bother you that much..
I've been lost for years. I became a people pleaser just to survive my childhood. I dont want to be this any more. I don't know who I really am now. Being a people pleaser can be the most toxic and self destructive thing you can be. I just want to live my life not everyone else's
Omg me too. I had to survive & now I’m learning how to live on my own & be okay with not worrying about upsetting others when I stand up for myself or just be assertive in saying no
I have a subconscious chronic fear of rejection since I was a child which drives the people pleasing.. but the people pleasing drives the rejection I experience. I don't know why I'm so afraid of being rejected as I'm actually an interesting person who has a lot to offer and some talents. It's this illogical insecurity that plagues me and needs confirmation from others to quell it. And then you see how the power goes into their hands, instead of staying in my own. I really do not want to be this way though emotional stuff is so much tougher to clear when roots go deep. Can't wait to not be a people pleaser anymore.. it's exhausting.
@@lolinadreama yes I was asking what is BPD?.. and what made you write it. I don't think being a people pleaser is a sign of BPD. I had an abusive childhood- so it's more a product of trauma. My personality is not disordered more then someone who never was abused. I'm just waking up that's all.
People Pleasing = People Misleading. I LOVE that!!! So true. I just read Dr. Robert Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (which is a book for men but as a woman I found a lot of it relevant to women too). I used to be the "nice" girl and I hated myself for it. I avoided rocking the boat because of my fear of confrontation, my insecurities, and my immaturity. Looking back now it totally sucked. LUCKILY however, I saw the light, developed some awareness, and have a WAY better handle on my own need to people please. Ironically, people don't like people pleasers. It's like people can see right through it and don't respect you for it. It's when you're authentic that people are truly drawn to you.
I have found out you attract the 'users' when you are a people pleaser and when you finally ask or insist on something you want.....at the least they are offended and think how dare her....because they have put you in their people to use drawer. Then they are angry, you are hurt and abused and really....it is a waste of your time. No one appreciates people pleasers...I have finally discovered this in my old age. Geeesh I just alwAys thought I was being nice. Nope I was the idiot that invited users to her life.
U are not idiot. U r a hurting person who was abused by parents and had to resort to people pleasing them to survive. But not anymore. U Don t need to please others to survive anymore bc u r a grown up. Feel compassion for yourself and u will heal
I was a people pleaser because I didn't have a clue what to do with my life and I had time to be a people pleaser, but then my spirit awoke and started to look on spending my time/energy differently. I don't have time to be a people pleaser, I have my work to do.
I commit to being kind and patient with myself. I’ve gotten much better at saying no. Now I feel like people see me as unapproachable. Maybe this is a good thing ☺️
Sometimes we need to make ourselves more unapproachable while we work out exactly where our boundaries are, and once we're secure in that, we don't need to be as protective of them and can open ourselves up more.
You can say No..but ..also you DON'T HAVE TO GIVE A REASON all the time when u say no....! You can just say " no. " if you don't want to do what someone wants you do to without having to explain yourself constantly.
Thank you for this! I have a huge problem with doing this like my boss will always try to get me to come in on my day off and I tell my Aunt the reasons I didn't want to come in, like bouncing ideas off her what to say as to why I didn't want to say yes to coming in to work on my day off and she's always saying "You don't owe them an explanation; its your day off. They don't need to know why you don't want to come in."
One thing I learned in life is that you can't make everyone happy. If no one can except you for yourself, you don't need them in your life. Guilt trips can also be a bluff for those who get you to do something you don't want to do. Being assertive & learning when to say no is the way. Yes it may piss or disappoint some in your circle, but we all should set boundaries, even if it may cause you their friendship. Learning when to say no is the main key.
I actually teared up on this video, Thank you for this .You know you got to stop when you're losing money and giving up your goals and dreams for the satisfaction of people who don't care,honestly it hurts for real. I'm tired of it and I'm sick of putting a mask on everyday when I just want to disappear. I'll share this on my media. Thanks again.
My ex boyfriend was significantly older than me, and when his own toxic traits mixed with my people pleasing tendencies, the result was disastrous. I tried over and over again to tell him what I needed for me to thrive in the relationship, but I was always met with invalidation and emotional manipulation. I regret letting his unhealthy habits make mine even worse. I hate how it impacted him. Never again. I need to start holding others accountable for when they mistreat me instead of letting them think it’s okay for them to do so.
Came here because I just said NO to someone and felt so guilty afterwards that I searched for a video on the topic of guilt. Glad I found this one. I feel much better!!!! Thanks Julia
I used to try and please (or mislead) everybody, but I've realised it's impossible, because you aren't pleasing people who know you aren't being genuine or true, but also because often to please one person you displease others. Therefore, it's best to just be true to yourself and go through life understanding that there will be times you have to disappoint people
wow i totally get it.. i gotta change and start treating me good because everytime i feel happy i feel im not treating someone good or if i please someone i feel im hurting anotherone
Wow I have misled people my whole life thinking I was protecting everyone around me from getting hurt. I dont ever want others to feel the pain I feel all the time. My anxiety and depression gives me this false idea that everyone is as fragile as I am, so I try to protect thier feelings and emotions by basically lying to them about who I am. Thank you, I struggle with trauma and suicidal thoughts. I need help with these issues and I am grateful for these videos❤
I love this. I’m the type of person to feel bad for someone and wants to please them or make them happy and then basically tire myself out and someone times I don’t even want to do that one thing for someone but just because I feel bad for them I’ll do it. I realized it’s okay to be “selfish” sometimes and take care of yourself rather than feel like someone or something else is your responsibility.
I will be kind and compassionate with myself as I begin to set more clear boundaries, and think for myself, and not feel the need to answer right away.
I have been deeply hurt by someone I considered a friend. And I have been blaming myself. Maybe I'm a narcissist? Maybe I'm just bad? Maybe Satan is working thru me? 😢😢😢 I have had to reach down deep and tell myself that I WILL love myself. I will not let anyone make me question my integrity, my motives, my heart. I have been thru hell trying to KNOW that I am good. I don't ever hurt people on purpose, I don't use people, I don't like conflict. But I do have a mind that doesn't accept everything, without question. I am an exceptional friend, worker... From now on... I am on my team. Thanks for your videos. They are like medicine.
For many years, I pleased (of whom I thought my best friend), I lost opportunities and happiness just because I wanted her to accept me and be pleased. That was extremely draining! However, I decided to stop and show her the real me after I realised that she only cared about herself and never about my happiness. Hence, and after I had started speaking my mind and have a personality of my own, she dumped me. I feel like a HUGE burden fell off my shoulders. I wish I'd done that earlier...
You mentioned how people can have conditional love for you if you dont do or act the way they want you to be or do. Wow! That describes my mother to a T. I thought I was the only person that recognized what conditional love is, esp. from a parent. Thanks - needed to hear this.
Thanks for sharing this with us. There are a lot of people in this world who had conditional love from one or both parents - you didn't deserve that, and I'm so sorry you had to go through it.
As a parent I love my kids unconditionally but when they exhibit bad behavior I don’t love it. Sadly my adult son and I don’t have a relationship due to his treatment of other people. Very sad and heartbreaking. I’m truly at a loss as how to handle it. I love him but can’t put up with his BS! 😩
@@catherha1 childhood abuse is anything fisiqualy emotionally or sexually and emotional neglect is more common and overlooked although has same damaging effects as others mostly lead to cptsd
Do not care anymore ...I was forced to be a people pleaser ...grew up in a toxic family ,It caused my down fall.Now I'm struggling to gain my Respect ,self worth the right way ..Standing up as my true Self..🏆🏆🏆🏆
I'm breaking down and having a panic attack at 2 am. I'm 19 years old. I deserve to be loved. I'll take care of myself. I would never treat others the way I treat myself. I will commit to being kind to myself. I will seek help tomorrow. I don't want any regrets. I want to look back at my week with excitement. I shop up to 3 times daily for the same person. She interrupts me, wanting me to buy her snacks, while watching movies with the others and every time I say yes. No more.
I dont know the key to success , but the key to failure is trying to please everyone in this universe..... Alack of self love is the root cause of all suffering in this universe.... Dont chase people , be yourself , and work hard the right people the one who really belong to you life will come to you and stay ... I wish y'all well .....
Flip the dynamic so that it's them needing to please you. I've been there at one point, and then I rediscovered who I am and realized it's more fun to keep unraveling my true self rather than to conform to what was expected or wanted. Inevitably it's not our jobs to MAKE anyone else feel anything.
Thankyou for this amazing video. I realised because I didn't have friends for so long, when I finally made some I became a people pleaser thinking this will make sure they stay and they will like me. Because we all like to be liked. I'm now dealing with one of them who is very emotionally manipulative and is trying to take advantage of the fact I always look out for everyone but me. I've been spending some time working on myself and it seems this friend dislikes me now and is guilt tripping me saying I'm not there for them enough etc. I'm working really hard to change my behaviour because I know I need to. This video is super informative and helpful ! thankyou !!
I’m about to graduate in 2 days and get my degree. I’m not excited because I been mentally drained by people pleasing. I been neglecting myself. Thanks for sharing I really needed this 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾😭😭😭😭😭 it’s time for me to love myself and prioritize...
I am currently going through some terrible things with my family and am desperately trying to hold onto myself and remember all the work I've done to get to this point in my life. Thank you for this =)
You can't learn to stand up for yourself to please the people who tell you that's what you need to do. :) It has to come from a strengthening of yourself. If you try to do it to make other people happy, you are stuck in the same cycle. (Been through this). Standing up for yourself won't get you external validation. People will get mad, they will tell you you are selfish. You will feel like you can't win. You have to learn that winning *isn't* making other people happy. Winning isn't everyone agreeing with you. Winning is standing up for your boundaries (which will be uncomfortable and will make others unhappy) winning is learning to trust our own internal compass more than the reactions of other people. *for ourselves* not for anyone else!!!
What really helped me from a book about people pleasing is that people pleasers think being nice will solve their problem. The fact is that only solving your problems will solve your problem.
That was needed because two women close to me overload themselves with lots of extra stuff trying to please everyone and inevitably explode or get sick from stress.
☕ ☕ Good afternoon Julia, I am a people pleaser and misleading them sometimes, I UNDERSTAND what's wrong with me in a certain way, I was ABUSED by saying YES all the time and do not feel LIKE DOING IT! LUVEO, I WILL MAKE A COMMITMENT NOW and CHANGE, I need something good for my self and to be LOVED BY GOOD PEOPLE Ü GOD BLESS, I AGREE 👍 INDEED, very well said, I can see my self clearly now, who I am and real friends I need, bad or good times that they are there for me, at my lowest feeling or depressed, thank you Ü / I'm from the PHILIPPINES 🇵🇭 MABUHAY
I found this video really helpful. It's so difficult to break the people pleasing habit. I definitely learnt to be good and please others to get love from a child. I'm now unsure who I am and what I want for myself even now as a middle aged woman. I don't know what I want for myself and what my goals are because I'm so used to being there for others. It really bothers me that time is passing me by and I still feel I'm a stranger to myself. Your video helped me to see what the causes are how I can break the habit. Saying no and not beating myself up when I don't get it right first time or everytime. I'm getting there but I hope I find my passions soon x
this is what I have been going through especially with my parent if I don't do certain things he'll get mad and become verbally abusive thus reminding me of my past failures..
I have struggled with this for years. Thank you. I was scolded,mocked,laughed at,spat at when I was growing up. I grew up in fear,eventually low self esteem
I commit to be patient with myself from now on. I know I people pleased for so long that I got lost in the process. I'm learning to speak my needs to my husband.
The Healthy Boundaries Bootcamp course is amazing! I learned a lot about myself: my needs, my wants, and my preferences. I also learned how to listen more to my body! I recommend this course to anyone having problems at home and/or at work. How we treat ourselves is how others will treat us. So, by respecting ourselves more, others will show us more respect. I didn't know that before the course.
You have literally put into words something I have felt for a really long time and could never put my finger on. After leaving groups and groups of people and feeling completely disconnected and lonely and feeling unfulfilled, like I was missing something, just empty. “Why can’t I connect with people” “what am I even doing”....”what am I missing”... “ if I started the day over again, I’ll still feel this way”..
I started with google, i would ask (how to questions) got all kinds of good answers and advice. Now i use u tube, exercise if you haven't, really is helpful. Learn about you and what happen to make you this people pleasing. First of all being a pleasing person is not a bad thing, you will see this. learn all you can, it's not going to be a overnight fix, it could take some time. This also brought me closer to God, w/o him it was tough. What ever you need ask him to help and you only need to ask him once because he hear you the first time. Just have faith and also start reading the bible using u tube or whatever. I feel great these days although there are some tough days but you will need these tough days. They will be the times that will make you strong. Don't give up because one day you will see this challenge as fun. Smile and laugh, Kirk Franklin song says You look better when you smile and it also feels great too.
This is great! Yes, I am a little too late. Putting myself first is daunting. Just to call up and tell my boss I can't make it to work because I need to see a dr because of a broken thumb is hard. Many would say, what!? But yes.. its hard..
Powerful point when she says it's not people pleasing, it's people misleading! It all stems from childhood I believe, but as an adult I choose not to people please anymore and will set boundaries! I'm working on building my self-worth! This was very helpful. Thank you so much! 💓
I started crying watching this video. This is exactly what I needed to hear, especially the let me get back to you rule. Thank you for this ❤ my best friend is someone I feel comfortable setting boundaries with.
I have so much trouble with people pleasing but I already belong to a codependency group. I think the hardest for me is on people I get insecurely attached to. Yesterday, after doing so well, I went backwards and was being over nice to my friend, offering him to help him too much and staying out to late to do so, which made me tired the next day.
I should listen to this every morning as I'm getting ready as a reminder for how I go forward with my days It's so exhausting keeping up with all of the different versions of myself that my people pleasing has created Even though I value myself a LOT, it's hard to break the cycle of doing this It's also the ONLY reason I'm meek & quiet. Yikes.
Yeah, I struggle with this - what will ‘this person’ think of me if I do ‘something’? Ask that all the time to myself, end up never doing things I want
I’m still a people pleaser and always will be, but these days I please the right people, that is the people who appreciate the things i do for them. I’m not responsible for people’s happiness, only my own!
There are always be people you cannot please,so be a nice person and stop trying to be liked by everyone. As a retired therapist i know there were clients who were unhappy w me. Maybe because i said be responsible.
Yes, I have my best friend who has healthy boundaries. And we don't need to please each other. We do our things in our way and go somewhere in our ways even if we're not together.
Madam Juli thanks for work done, l work in Middle East but your videos helped me so much to raise my personal value by not faking whom l am. Now l publically speak with confidence without minding who love and hate me.
Thank you for this. Currently working on setting boundaries with my mom. I'm learning that I may need to keep her at a distance. I hear the passion in your voice. Thank you 🙏
YES Amitting it I'm been and still am a people pleaser and working on it as apart of my SELF-development spiritually and mentally honesty is the best policy
Which part of this did you find most helpful?
This is great. To thine own self be true. I'm learning so much from these videos.
Julia Kristina Counselling This video has pointed out a lot of characteristics that I have and I am so ashamed that I am guilty of being this way. Also, I’m reading a book on gaslighting and I am honestly blown away at the things that I am learning about myself and others. You are really helping me and I would like for you to be my therapist Dr. Julia Kristina.
Julia Kristina Counselling I think the whole thing was wonderful because you really have a great ability to make your points eloquently and succinctly. I am so appreciative ❤️
It is a marvellous video. I am guilty as charged and I want to show my daughter how not to do this too and repeat history! Thank you Julia, you are fabulous. I am off to buy a big laminator and a Say No notice is the first one I shall make!😍🌻My friend Michelle is my support and I hope to be hers too!
Thankyou Julia.
I have these traits for over 30 years since my mother's suicide when I was 11, the unstable years before of her personality, father's absence and unstable relatives who had to raise me, didn't want me. Talk Psychology does not break the trauma patterns in the mind, OCD anxiety, depression , so now trying Clinical Hypnotherapy and EMDR therapy.
People pleasing is the death of happiness.
It's not all it's cracked up to be - that's for sure!
Its so annoying 😭😭
Once you stop doing it you begin to feel great.
And death to authenticity.
That’s deep. 😮💨🔥
The feeling of loneliness also comes from self isolation because it's exhausting to be a people pleaser all the time and the fewer people there is around us, the less exhausting it is. I'm so tired.
YUP!!!
Yes, I tend to avoid people because I can't manage the requests (real or not) from them. So I stay in and avoid social situations because they're too much hard work. And that can lead to loneliness.
You get tired probably, because of the fact of putting that fake front up, and by doing this you abandon a part of yourself which represents your authentic behavior, but we hide it because we're afraid of being unloved and rejected but once you get rid of all the problems that hurt you when you were a child and accept, you allow yourself to be grounded and stop having "this need" of pleasing people and saying yes when you want to say no. Then you will feel more happy, relieved and relaxed (you won't get tired anymore).
Anthony Kaps Amen to that 🙏🏼
Yeah man
I enjoy being respected more than being liked
True. Liking someone could change.
I feel the same way it’s almost an obsession if I feel disrespected I check out or shut down
I just turned 26 years old and I just started to learn to set boundaries. Im learning to say no to people and I am also learning to be okay with not being liked by everybody.
💯👏🏽💯 same at 26
@@Joshdifferent hey joshhh love your TikTok’s 😊
@@Datb2 heyyy!! Thank you! I appreciate that ❤️❤️❤️
I'm happy for you. This just illustrates how important parenting is and how much of our past is quite literally a total blind spot that can only be extricated by DEEEP self discovery.
I used to be a pp but not so much anymore. It feels pretty good not to worry about how others feel. Their happiness or lack of is no longer my responsibility.
Absolutely Karen! Thanks for sharing this with us.
That sounds so freeing
How did u do it
I don’t care anymore. It’s taken me 56 years to get to this point. I’m done with the drama and the problems of others.
Any advice to your younger self? I’m 28 now and don’t want to spend 28 more years like this.
@@alexanderle239 maybe. people are who they are. And don’t get sucked in by their drama. I’m sick of looking for others approval. I like spending time alone now. I use to hate it.
Best of luck to you!!
@@oftenwrong. that is actually really good advice. Thank you so much
Too bad sometimes life lessons really do have to be learned by living life haha
Thanks again I’ll try to take it to heart
@@oftenwrong. hey just wanted to say I actually have been taking this to heart and it really has improved my outlook on daily life. Thanks for the comment, I literally went back and searched to tell you it meant that much
@@alexanderle239 listen up hard
We do teach people how to treat us.
Yes we do! For better or worse.
No body has power over you unless you give them !!!!!!
Yes true. I also demand respect from people especially from those new people who I got to know even on social media. I established my boundaries like, don't call me on time of my duty.
YES we do TEACH THEM how them how they Treat US!
Yes we do teach people how they treat us!
Yes, I like to be liked. When I say no sometimes people get mad or have an attitude. Thanks for being rather firm about this issue. I’m 66 and still trying to figure out who I really am lol! Great video!
I LOVE that you are spending time connecting and learning about such an important person - YOU!
It’s a process I’m going through the same thing now it will take time not worry about people think and be happy with your decision.
SAME people expect me to always be nice and say yes! So when we ‘as she said throw off balance’ people don’t like it, but it’s hard to have balance when it’s something new. And it comes down to self worth/esteem so much which I didn’t even knew I had. Also I agree about being kind and patient to yourself! But how does one do it? 😩
sandramA heynemana the people who get mad at your truth didn’t like you anyway... let them judge the real you it’s your right 🙌
Oh really .....i dont No the key to success but the key to failure is try to please everyone ......im Thrilled and delighted that i discovered that in my twinties ...iam in love with my self .....i want you to know that you are enough, whole , worthy and unique .......bless be with you Mrs...take care and be well....
I’m a recovering people pleaser and I notice a difference in the way I feel already. It’s hard work but I’m doing it
You can do it!!
Femm3BoiJay i used to be there, i still am sometimes but i do recognise now when i am being a people pleaser and i either chose to be that way with certain people or i just dont care, theres much power in being urself
I was a PEOPLE PLEASER up till NOW. To be nice & cute & friendly. I need for acceptance & approval. I was so Lonely & disconnected always. Felt so fake all time. No wonder I was taken for granted & mistreated. Depression & anxiety & panic attacks became my best friends
How did you get over it and do you believe your parents were one of or the vital source of it?
You know that major guilt after you actually brought up something that was on your mind for a long time and when ppl even show the tiniest bit of discomfort you start playing it down like it didn't even hurt /bother you that much..
:(((
Yes! Thisss 😪 same.
I've been lost for years. I became a people pleaser just to survive my childhood. I dont want to be this any more. I don't know who I really am now. Being a people pleaser can be the most toxic and self destructive thing you can be. I just want to live my life not everyone else's
Omg me too. I had to survive & now I’m learning how to live on my own & be okay with not worrying about upsetting others when I stand up for myself or just be assertive in saying no
I have a subconscious chronic fear of rejection since I was a child which drives the people pleasing.. but the people pleasing drives the rejection I experience. I don't know why I'm so afraid of being rejected as I'm actually an interesting person who has a lot to offer and some talents. It's this illogical insecurity that plagues me and needs confirmation from others to quell it. And then you see how the power goes into their hands, instead of staying in my own. I really do not want to be this way though emotional stuff is so much tougher to clear when roots go deep. Can't wait to not be a people pleaser anymore.. it's exhausting.
bpd
Yeah I have the exakt same fear
@@lolinadreama As in Borderline Personality Disorder?.. can you explain Why you wrote that? I'm interested.
@@CatWoman6 i didn't get u bpd is the acronym of borderline personality disorder if that wat u meant
@@lolinadreama yes I was asking what is BPD?.. and what made you write it. I don't think being a people pleaser is a sign of BPD. I had an abusive childhood- so it's more a product of trauma. My personality is not disordered more then someone who never was abused. I'm just waking up that's all.
People Pleasing = People Misleading. I LOVE that!!! So true. I just read Dr. Robert Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (which is a book for men but as a woman I found a lot of it relevant to women too). I used to be the "nice" girl and I hated myself for it. I avoided rocking the boat because of my fear of confrontation, my insecurities, and my immaturity. Looking back now it totally sucked. LUCKILY however, I saw the light, developed some awareness, and have a WAY better handle on my own need to people please. Ironically, people don't like people pleasers. It's like people can see right through it and don't respect you for it. It's when you're authentic that people are truly drawn to you.
Love this Nancy - and I couldn't agree more - We are definitely much more drawn to authenticity.
Thank you. My husband is my safe person. We are both recovering from people pleasing together. Being empaths and HSPs doesn't help this journey!
Julia, this is why healthy boundaries are essential. And I love that your sweet hubby is your safety person. That's really special.
I have found out you attract the 'users' when you are a people pleaser and when you finally ask or insist on something you want.....at the least they are offended and think how dare her....because they have put you in their people to use drawer. Then they are angry, you are hurt and abused and really....it is a waste of your time. No one appreciates people pleasers...I have finally discovered this in my old age. Geeesh I just alwAys thought I was being nice. Nope I was the idiot that invited users to her life.
Me too... 🥺
Same here... It is really hard to stop doing that... I can't stand criticism and rejection...
U are not idiot. U r a hurting person who was abused by parents and had to resort to people pleasing them to survive. But not anymore. U Don t need to please others to survive anymore bc u r a grown up. Feel compassion for yourself and u will heal
I was a people pleaser because I didn't have a clue what to do with my life and I had time to be a people pleaser, but then my spirit awoke and started to look on spending my time/energy differently. I don't have time to be a people pleaser, I have my work to do.
I commit to being kind and patient with myself. I’ve gotten much better at saying no. Now I feel like people see me as unapproachable. Maybe this is a good thing ☺️
Sometimes we need to make ourselves more unapproachable while we work out exactly where our boundaries are, and once we're secure in that, we don't need to be as protective of them and can open ourselves up more.
You can say No..but ..also you DON'T HAVE TO GIVE A REASON all the time when u say no....!
You can just say " no. " if you don't want to do what someone wants you do to without having to explain yourself constantly.
Thank you for this! I have a huge problem with doing this like my boss will always try to get me to come in on my day off and I tell my Aunt the reasons I didn't want to come in, like bouncing ideas off her what to say as to why I didn't want to say yes to coming in to work on my day off and she's always saying "You don't owe them an explanation; its your day off. They don't need to know why you don't want to come in."
I struggle with it too, the only people I can say straight up no to is a guy that I’m not interested in lol
One thing I learned in life is that you can't make everyone happy. If no one can except you for yourself, you don't need them in your life. Guilt trips can also be a bluff for those who get you to do something you don't want to do. Being assertive & learning when to say no is the way. Yes it may piss or disappoint some in your circle, but we all should set boundaries, even if it may cause you their friendship. Learning when to say no is the main key.
I actually teared up on this video, Thank you for this .You know you got to stop when you're losing money and giving up your goals and dreams for the satisfaction of people who don't care,honestly it hurts for real. I'm tired of it and I'm sick of putting a mask on everyday when I just want to disappear. I'll share this on my media. Thanks again.
Me too! I didn’t realize I have a problem.
My ex boyfriend was significantly older than me, and when his own toxic traits mixed with my people pleasing tendencies, the result was disastrous. I tried over and over again to tell him what I needed for me to thrive in the relationship, but I was always met with invalidation and emotional manipulation. I regret letting his unhealthy habits make mine even worse. I hate how it impacted him. Never again. I need to start holding others accountable for when they mistreat me instead of letting them think it’s okay for them to do so.
Came here because I just said NO to someone and felt so guilty afterwards that I searched for a video on the topic of guilt. Glad I found this one. I feel much better!!!! Thanks Julia
I used to try and please (or mislead) everybody, but I've realised it's impossible, because you aren't pleasing people who know you aren't being genuine or true, but also because often to please one person you displease others. Therefore, it's best to just be true to yourself and go through life understanding that there will be times you have to disappoint people
Amen!
True
wow i totally get it.. i gotta change and start treating me good because everytime i feel happy i feel im not treating someone good or if i please someone i feel im hurting anotherone
Wow I have misled people my whole life thinking I was protecting everyone around me from getting hurt. I dont ever want others to feel the pain I feel all the time. My anxiety and depression gives me this false idea that everyone is as fragile as I am, so I try to protect thier feelings and emotions by basically lying to them about who I am. Thank you, I struggle with trauma and suicidal thoughts. I need help with these issues and I am grateful for these videos❤
I love this. I’m the type of person to feel bad for someone and wants to please them or make them happy and then basically tire myself out and someone times I don’t even want to do that one thing for someone but just because I feel bad for them I’ll do it. I realized it’s okay to be “selfish” sometimes and take care of yourself rather than feel like someone or something else is your responsibility.
I definitely feel you on this 🥺
I was raised to care for others and my needs go on the back burner.
I will be kind and compassionate with myself as I begin to set more clear boundaries, and think for myself, and not feel the need to answer right away.
I have been deeply hurt by someone I considered a friend. And I have been blaming myself. Maybe I'm a narcissist? Maybe I'm just bad? Maybe Satan is working thru me? 😢😢😢 I have had to reach down deep and tell myself that I WILL love myself. I will not let anyone make me question my integrity, my motives, my heart. I have been thru hell trying to KNOW that I am good. I don't ever hurt people on purpose, I don't use people, I don't like conflict. But I do have a mind that doesn't accept everything, without question. I am an exceptional friend, worker... From now on... I am on my team. Thanks for your videos. They are like medicine.
If u were a narcissist, u would not blame yourself
For many years, I pleased (of whom I thought my best friend), I lost opportunities and happiness just because I wanted her to accept me and be pleased. That was extremely draining! However, I decided to stop and show her the real me after I realised that she only cared about herself and never about my happiness. Hence, and after I had started speaking my mind and have a personality of my own, she dumped me. I feel like a HUGE burden fell off my shoulders. I wish I'd done that earlier...
Yes, the thing we dread most actually happens. And turns out its a good thing. I remind myself whenever I am in a quandry, should I give in or not,
You mentioned how people can have conditional love for you if you dont do or act the way they want you to be or do. Wow! That describes my mother to a T. I thought I was the only person that recognized what conditional love is, esp. from a parent. Thanks - needed to hear this.
Thanks for sharing this with us. There are a lot of people in this world who had conditional love from one or both parents - you didn't deserve that, and I'm so sorry you had to go through it.
As a parent I love my kids unconditionally but when they exhibit bad behavior I don’t love it. Sadly my adult son and I don’t have a relationship due to his treatment of other people. Very sad and heartbreaking. I’m truly at a loss as how to handle it. I love him but can’t put up with his BS! 😩
"NEED TO BE LIKED" resonated with me so much. Great video
Some people are watching your cue on how we treat ourselves to determine how they are going to treat us. I love that. Treating myself better.
Don't be afraid to lose people. Be afraid of losing yourself by trying to please everyone around you......
This made me cry ! Thank You!! :,( so needed to hear this.
shayleen webb made me cry too
I need a guide for someone who has been groomed by a narcissist their entire life. For someone who does this out of fear not out of want.
i feel you
same here people pleaser is someone who survived childhood abuse
@@lolinadreama yeah I'm just learning this... Who knew? I only looked at abuse as sexual and being beaten. Being Cinderella is abuse also.
@@lolinadreama yep! That's my cause.
@@catherha1 childhood abuse is anything fisiqualy emotionally or sexually and emotional neglect is more common and overlooked although has same damaging effects as others mostly lead to cptsd
You have changed my life more than any of my 20 years of counseling…
Do not care anymore ...I was forced to be a people pleaser ...grew up in a toxic family ,It caused my down fall.Now I'm struggling to gain my Respect ,self worth the right way ..Standing up as my true Self..🏆🏆🏆🏆
This was me before..
The caregiver not cared for.
People pleasers are the best employees. But end up burnt out
And never get promoted 😂
I'm breaking down and having a panic attack at 2 am. I'm 19 years old. I deserve to be loved. I'll take care of myself. I would never treat others the way I treat myself. I will commit to being kind to myself. I will seek help tomorrow. I don't want any regrets. I want to look back at my week with excitement. I shop up to 3 times daily for the same person. She interrupts me, wanting me to buy her snacks, while watching movies with the others and every time I say yes. No more.
The first 20 seconds of this video is my life right now! It's exhausting, draining, and makes me more depressed more anxiety
First time I have heard "People Misleading" that hit hard but its so true, thank you
My amazing husband and three children are my safe, golden people =)
Oh, SO good!
Pleasing everyone is not possible, because the one who is not being pleased is you. Great talk!
I dont know the key to success , but the key to failure is trying to please everyone in this universe..... Alack of self love is the root cause of all suffering in this universe.... Dont chase people , be yourself , and work hard the right people the one who really belong to you life will come to you and stay ... I wish y'all well .....
I commit to being kind and patient with myself! 💕
Yassss!!!
Flip the dynamic so that it's them needing to please you. I've been there at one point, and then I rediscovered who I am and realized it's more fun to keep unraveling my true self rather than to conform to what was expected or wanted. Inevitably it's not our jobs to MAKE anyone else feel anything.
Thankyou for this amazing video. I realised because I didn't have friends for so long, when I finally made some I became a people pleaser thinking this will make sure they stay and they will like me. Because we all like to be liked. I'm now dealing with one of them who is very emotionally manipulative and is trying to take advantage of the fact I always look out for everyone but me. I've been spending some time working on myself and it seems this friend dislikes me now and is guilt tripping me saying I'm not there for them enough etc. I'm working really hard to change my behaviour because I know I need to. This video is super informative and helpful ! thankyou !!
I’m about to graduate in 2 days and get my degree. I’m not excited because I been mentally drained by people pleasing. I been neglecting myself. Thanks for sharing I really needed this 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾😭😭😭😭😭 it’s time for me to love myself and prioritize...
I am currently going through some terrible things with my family and am desperately trying to hold onto myself and remember all the work I've done to get to this point in my life. Thank you for this =)
Linda - sending you so much love, courage and strength.
Thank you so much 🤗
You can't learn to stand up for yourself to please the people who tell you that's what you need to do. :) It has to come from a strengthening of yourself. If you try to do it to make other people happy, you are stuck in the same cycle. (Been through this). Standing up for yourself won't get you external validation. People will get mad, they will tell you you are selfish. You will feel like you can't win. You have to learn that winning *isn't* making other people happy. Winning isn't everyone agreeing with you. Winning is standing up for your boundaries (which will be uncomfortable and will make others unhappy) winning is learning to trust our own internal compass more than the reactions of other people. *for ourselves* not for anyone else!!!
simply put, don't be weak, don't sacrifice, don't submit.
What really helped me from a book about people pleasing is that people pleasers think being nice will solve their problem. The fact is that only solving your problems will solve your problem.
That was needed because two women close to me overload themselves with lots of extra stuff trying to please everyone and inevitably explode or get sick from stress.
☕ ☕ Good afternoon Julia, I am a people pleaser and misleading them sometimes, I UNDERSTAND what's wrong with me in a certain way, I was ABUSED by saying YES all the time and do not feel LIKE DOING IT! LUVEO, I WILL MAKE A COMMITMENT NOW and CHANGE, I need something good for my self and to be LOVED BY GOOD PEOPLE Ü GOD BLESS, I AGREE 👍 INDEED, very well said, I can see my self clearly now, who I am and real friends I need, bad or good times that they are there for me, at my lowest feeling or depressed, thank you Ü / I'm from the PHILIPPINES 🇵🇭 MABUHAY
Yes, as a child I had to perform to get love from my parents. Very hard to realize this and break the cycle. Still working on it.
People pleasing nearly destroyed my life. You could truly lose yourself! Thank you for this!
You are changing my life! I can't thank you enough!
I commit to being patient and kind with myself through this process. :)
Yasssss!! Grateful to be on this journey with you Alex.
As at therapist, I completely appreciate this therapist, and share these videos with my clients. She is real and brilliant.
spot on... brilliantly broken down. start to end. 👏🏻👍🏻
Bernie! So glad it connected with you - appreciate your support!
I found this video really helpful. It's so difficult to break the people pleasing habit. I definitely learnt to be good and please others to get love from a child. I'm now unsure who I am and what I want for myself even now as a middle aged woman. I don't know what I want for myself and what my goals are because I'm so used to being there for others. It really bothers me that time is passing me by and I still feel I'm a stranger to myself. Your video helped me to see what the causes are how I can break the habit. Saying no and not beating myself up when I don't get it right first time or everytime. I'm getting there but I hope I find my passions soon x
this is what I have been going through especially with my parent if I don't do certain things he'll get mad and become verbally abusive thus reminding me of my past failures..
I have struggled with this for years. Thank you. I was scolded,mocked,laughed at,spat at when I was growing up. I grew up in fear,eventually low self esteem
I commit to be patient with myself from now on. I know I people pleased for so long that I got lost in the process. I'm learning to speak my needs to my husband.
This really spoke to me. It’s hard to be patient with myself, but I will commit to doing it for myself.
I'm committed to being kind to myself thru the process of Saying no more and honoring myself. My safe person is Maddie and Melissa
The Healthy Boundaries Bootcamp course is amazing! I learned a lot about myself: my needs, my wants, and my preferences. I also learned how to listen more to my body! I recommend this course to anyone having problems at home and/or at work. How we treat ourselves is how others will treat us. So, by respecting ourselves more, others will show us more respect. I didn't know that before the course.
Straight talk. Away with the sugar coating about it.
You have literally put into words something I have felt for a really long time and could never put my finger on. After leaving groups and groups of people and feeling completely disconnected and lonely and feeling unfulfilled, like I was missing something, just empty. “Why can’t I connect with people” “what am I even doing”....”what am I missing”... “ if I started the day over again, I’ll still feel this way”..
Great point about people pleasing actually being people misleading, not being authentic and not being truthful!
Julia I commit to being kind and patient with myself.
"Build your sense of self worth from the inside." Love it! How do we do this? We need more examples please:)
Go for a walk for you, go do a doodle, write down how you should feel better what makes you feel meh what can you change?
It is a daily struggle
I started with google, i would ask (how to questions) got all kinds of good answers and advice. Now i use u tube, exercise if you haven't, really is helpful. Learn about you and what happen to make you this people pleasing. First of all being a pleasing person is not a bad thing, you will see this. learn all you can, it's not going to be a overnight fix, it could take some time. This also brought me closer to God, w/o him it was tough. What ever you need ask him to help and you only need to ask him once because he hear you the first time. Just have faith and also start reading the bible using u tube or whatever. I feel great these days although there are some tough days but you will need these tough days. They will be the times that will make you strong. Don't give up because one day you will see this challenge as fun. Smile and laugh, Kirk Franklin song says You look better when you smile and it also feels great too.
I've been doing this since childhood because I longed for the rare praises from my parents
This is great! Yes, I am a little too late. Putting myself first is daunting. Just to call up and tell my boss I can't make it to work because I need to see a dr because of a broken thumb is hard. Many would say, what!? But yes.. its hard..
Standing up for your self is a lonely place to be but its worth doing.
This made me cry. 20 years of this...I never realized why I was so angry.
Powerful point when she says it's not people pleasing, it's people misleading! It all stems from childhood I believe, but as an adult I choose not to people please anymore and will set boundaries! I'm working on building my self-worth! This was very helpful. Thank you so much! 💓
I started crying watching this video. This is exactly what I needed to hear, especially the let me get back to you rule.
Thank you for this ❤ my best friend is someone I feel comfortable setting boundaries with.
I have so much trouble with people pleasing but I already belong to a codependency group. I think the hardest for me is on people I get insecurely attached to. Yesterday, after doing so well, I went backwards and was being over nice to my friend, offering him to help him too much and staying out to late to do so, which made me tired the next day.
If I upset them, I fear their repercussions. I'm not smart worldly enough to defend myself...😰
Julia I commit to being patient with myself.
I have NEVER had a relationship with myself. I haven't a clue how to do that
I struggle with people pleasing Julia especially with my ex-friend Becky Keena because she always wanted things her way.
I should listen to this every morning as I'm getting ready as a reminder for how I go forward with my days
It's so exhausting keeping up with all of the different versions of myself that my people pleasing has created
Even though I value myself a LOT, it's hard to break the cycle of doing this
It's also the ONLY reason I'm meek & quiet. Yikes.
Yeah, I struggle with this - what will ‘this person’ think of me if I do ‘something’? Ask that all the time to myself, end up never doing things I want
I commit to myself being kind & patient to myself in this process. It's going to be hard though
I’m still a people pleaser and always will be, but these days I please the right people, that is the people who appreciate the things i do for them. I’m not responsible for people’s happiness, only my own!
I am 25 and only learning to set boundaries now thank you so much.
There are always be people you cannot please,so be a nice person and stop trying to be liked by everyone. As a retired therapist i know there were clients who were unhappy w me. Maybe because i said be responsible.
"Let me get back to you" / silence is gold is a very important reminder, thanks so much!
Yes, I have my best friend who has healthy boundaries. And we don't need to please each other. We do our things in our way and go somewhere in our ways even if we're not together.
Sigh...I am a people pleaser and I don't know how to stop...
Write Down YOUR wants and needs
67 stop
There are so many things I never realized until I watched this video. I never really thought myself as a real people pleaser.
Did you find it helpful BeckyWolf's Art?
Julia Kristina Counselling kind of
1:47 or the inner fear of being punished shamed for "not pleasing", (childhood based belief).
Madam Juli thanks for work done, l work in Middle East but your videos helped me so much to raise my personal value by not faking whom l am. Now l publically speak with confidence without minding who love and hate me.
Thank you for this. Currently working on setting boundaries with my mom. I'm learning that I may need to keep her at a distance. I hear the passion in your voice. Thank you 🙏
YES Amitting it I'm been and still am a people pleaser and working on it as apart of my SELF-development spiritually and mentally honesty is the best policy