SOCIAL DYSPHORIA
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 ส.ค. 2024
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I'm in a super similar boat. On its own, I don't HATE my body. I'm not a huge fan, but just living in my skin isn't enough to drive me to transition. But social dysphoria is nearly unbearable for me because nobody is seeing ME. It's almost like social dysphoria GIVES me body dysphoria. It made it really hard for me to actually identify and accept my transness because the narrative I'd always heard was that you had to be absolutely miserable in your body in order to be Tran Enough™ and that was so harmful for me and caused me to stifle my feelings and ignore the problem for YEARS. Hearing people talk about social dysphoria was such an eye opener for me, and it gave me the vocabulary and agency I needed to be able to accept my own transness and recognize my need for transition. This is such an important video and I'm SO happy to see it. 💕
Everyone here who has both social dysphoria and social anxiety can I get an AMEN bc damn does it make it even scarier and harder sometimes rip
I'm nonbinary and closeted to everyone but my partner of 7 years. I don't have consistent body dysphoria, but I do go through rough patches from time to time. Anyway, last year we had to move in with his mom for financial reasons, and she constantly reprimands him for not "treating me like a lady". She will say something like, "Don't make her carry all that, she's a GIRL! She's not a MAN" bla bla bla, I guess she thinks she's being cute somehow, but the dysphoria hits me sooooo hard in those moments. I always get really quiet and basically walk away, but she never catches on to how uncomfortable it makes me.
Can you elaborate further? It sounds like you are uncomfortable with stereotypes but that’s not really social dysphoria.
i think what you missed about social dysphoria (and body dysphoria too) is when people you’re talking to when you’re stealth, sort of find out about the fact that you’re trans from just looking at you or when you think you’re passing and they say “she” in spite of the fact that you told them your name that is *obviously* not a girl’s name. And then you wonder what you did wrong and then you look into every single detail about yourself like “is there something wrong with my clothes? can they see my body shape? are my hands too small? was I standing with my feet together? did they notice my small torso? is my face feminine? I thought I was using a masculine voice? maybe its all these things they noticed in their subconscious? ”
That is always terrible. I feel like it's kind of worse for me, since my name is actually sort of feminine, but I don't want to change it. It's the worst especially when I realize how high pitched my voice is being, and then I just hide in my little shell for the rest of the day.
I feel all of this. I always look at my legs and wonder if they can tell if I'm trans. Stupid thighs.
Shanti 'Shaun' Roy i do this all the time.. it sucks that most of my fat goes to my butt and thighs.. and butt.. it just ruins everything
It's like you're in my brain :'(
Oh 100% agree with this!! I think a lot of times when people say they are trans but have no dysphoria they really do and don't understand or havent labeled there uncomfort as dysphoria
itsjustkatie I also think quite a lot of the time people repress it so much. They think oh I don’t have dysphoria, until it bubbles up some time in the future
Butter yeah i agree! I personally definitely repressed it for a long time
Yeah bc of this video it makes me feel alot more sure
I think those people sometimes misinterpret social dysphoria as social anxiety, low self esteem, or just being insecure.
I know that I didn't realize that how I was feeling for most of my life was actually social dysphoria. I just thought I had really bad anxiety.
Agree
It's funny to talk about this to me cuz I found out that I was trans through gender euphoria. I thought what it would be like living as a man and saw the life I wanted to live and it made me so happy.
I never experienced disphoria until I felt euphoria then I realized that my whole life have been dissociating who I am and how I am seen. When I grew breasts, it wasn't a terrible fear or discomfort. It was like suddenly living in someone else's body and I started dissociating with what happened to that body.
Now that I've come out and my friends and family call me a different name and he/him, I feel so much disphoria when a stranger misgenders me. Now, I have body disphoria (though it's more having annoying roommate you don't like but you can't get ruin of yet so you just live with them).
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am a man...a gay as fuck man that's more flamboyant than the fucking rainbow...but a man.
XoXoKrystal One, don't tell other people what or who they are because you will be wrong every time because no one knows me better than me. And two, you clearly didn't even read my comment because I said at the end that I LIKE MEN. I'm not a confused lesbian. I'm a gay trans man. And you wanna know how I know...I have never felt like a girl! Ever!! I didn't feel right and I just didn't have the words to describe it until now and I am so much happier, but I don't have to explain myself or my feelings to you.
You should explain to me why you care so goddamn much that I'm happy as a man. How is me being trans hurting you or even affecting your life in any way? Why can't you just let people be happy being who they are? Why do you feel the need to shit on everyone who doesn't think exactly like you?!
Ali Jordaan Thank you so much!! And I have been accepted by everyone...except my father, which sucks, but the rest of my friends and family are accepting so I'll live. Oh, and btw, your lovely uplifting comment made my day and made up for the fuck face trying to tell me I was just a lesbian ealrier, so thank you very very much! XD
Ali Jordaan Well, I'm gonna thank you anyway cuz awesome people are in short supply and far too underappreciated nowadays and I'm just glad that Chase's community is still full of them ;D
I hope the rest of your day is utterly fabulous just like you, you beautiful human!
Jeanie Girlover yeah i can relate to this in ways
I relate to this myself. I'm still not sure where I fall on the spectrum of male and female, but it was the concept of gender euphoria that really got me wondering if I was trans. I'm the type of person who isn't good with change and will accept a bad situation because I don't feel like pushing against it. And I think that's how I was for so long about my gender. I just assumed the identity I'd been assigned was all I could have and so made myself content with it, and making the best out of a bad situation by seeking euphoria in that gender. But when I started to consider that it was possible to transition I started to realize that I had more chance to feel euphoria over complacency. Is that complacency a type of dysphoria? I honestly don't know. But it's easy to doubt my trans identity and wonder if I'm trans enough. I'm so glad to see you so confident in your identity. It makes me hopeful that one day I will find mine. And seeing someone talk about dysphoria outside of body dysphoria is helpful too.
Omg chase.... you have no idea how much I needed this video. My social dysphoria is overwhelming lately. The part you talked about being around cis males just clicked with me. If a cis male so much as looks at me I just shrivel up inside because I feel like they know or like they’re judging me thinking I’m not man enough :/. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Ali Jordaan omfg! I love you! 💙 Thank you!
Kori yes i was thinking the same thing! ( ≧Д≦) i feel really cool and masc until im around cis guys and then im like dont fuckin look at me. just feels like i dont really fit it, whatever ive always been better friends with girls anyways
OMFG same
OMG this is so me. Sucks that I'm also wondering if cis guy is gay and what are my chances with him.
Dysphoria is literally so debilitating. The other day I literally had a day long panic attack related to my social and physical dysphoria. I'm going to a therapy appt. now, but it's so important for the public eye to see these things that transgender people go through.
wow, sounds like you're the special snowflake that needs some ego grooming by picking on a Trans person. Trans people are visible. And they and their struggles will continue to be, no matter what jerk-offs like you say.
Ok so I’m agender and I thought I didn’t have dysphoria but then I realized that when I saw my name or she/her pronouns I would be like “ew ew no that’s not me” Is that dysphoria?
G McNabb yes! Dysphoria is discomfort at the end of the day. So if names and pronouns that are 'gendered' a certain way make you uncomfortable, they are giving you dysphoria.
I was legit about to ask this xD
Thank you for answering !
fawna love thank you!!
G McNabb yeah, any discomfort of distress or unhappyiness surrounding gender is gender dysphoria. Cuz the word dysphoria means being generally unhappy with life. Gender euphoria is just as important tho, cuz like you could be like okay I don't like this, but you know what is really right when you experience euphoria
Angry Grape yeah, I definitely get gender euphoria
Yep! I didn’t have dysphoria about my voice, UNTIL I realised that other people read it strongly as my assigned sex. Now I do feel dysphoric about it (even when alone). So I’d say that’s social dysphoria!
For me personally it's around people referring to me using my birth name and as my assigned gender. Also I get it around how people perceive my body, I do have body Dysphoria but what I am referring to is people looking at me and assuming female, it's that assumption and my discomfort with that that I consider part of my social Dysphoria.
I agree a lot with it! I tend to experience social dysphoria a lot more than body dysphoria.
'Course with truscums, they tend to think that you need dysphoria to be trans. Which to me sounds like they're taking about BODY dysphoria 100% and not social, which can throw some trans/nonbinary people under the bus.
I get pretty anxious about social dysphoria because I feel like I might just have convinced myself that I don't like my name/pronouns
i deal with this too, im not really sure what it is, but i think it's internalized transphobia and denial, or not feeling "trans enough" so you kinda try to rationalize that youre not trans with thoughts like this "oh but what if im not actually trans and i've just convinced myself i dont like my name/pronouns". but of course i cant speak for you- this is just from my personal experience, i deal with alot of self doubt and denial- im still working through it
spazzrazkid yeah I do think it's a little bit of transphobia
I'm nonbinary and my girlfriend is trans and I often find myself thinking "but if I was actually trans then I would want x y and z". I've been trying to put it into perspective, like if I say that about myself then I'm invalidating someone else who feels like me.
yeah i have similar thoughts like "if i'm trans then why dont i ____" or "if i was trans then i would ___" etc etc, even to really ridiculous extents that are influenced by toxic masculinity and i KNOW are bullshit like "if i'm actually a guy then why do i like cute things and stuffed animals and flowers" etc etc, its ridiculous and i know it. And exactly what you said, putting it into perspective- there's definitely a million guys out there who like cute things too (though this is a really simple example). that's why although these thoughts can be so prevalent, theyre total bs- because everyone is different. just because one trans person wants bottom surgery doesnt mean that thats now the standard for being trans. if any of that made any sense at all lmao
Just give it time, if you go years and they feel right, they were likely right. If you become unhappy about it, then reconsider.
Thank you for posting this Chase ! I don’t feel social dysphoria (and other kinds) are talked about as much as body dysphoria.I suffer from different kind of dysphoria on the daily but some days are easier to handle than others.Some days I can’t leave my house or wear anything but basketball shorts and a t-shirt because even a tank top gives me discomfort and distress.I agree 1000% with everything you said Chase...I love you and you’re such and inspiration to me ! Thank you 💖💖💖
I'm not trans but I'm gender non conforming and I do feel some discomfort tho I wouldn't classify it as dysphoria. But one thing you said spoke to me, when I'm with guys I don't feel like I belong bc well I'm not one but I feel the same discomfort around girls, they're so different from me. I have literally no one around me that is like me so I just don't feel like I belong anywhere and ppl are constantly trying to change me and it feels so lonely sometimes :/ I feel like I belong more with non binary people even tho I don't identify as one but I feel like we may have more experiences in common
This topic is so so important. It makes so many people uncomfortable, shy away not want to talk about it but really aught to be more openly discussed and prevalent. It's incredible to think just how many people feel anxiety and dysphoria surrounding their identity across the spectrum, trying to push themselves into boxes because of standards that don't exist. It's truly amazing what you're achieving through your videos. Your internet presence has very positively impacted my life, my outlook and my self identity. Go you
Honestly in public I'm afraid to be myself because of the negitive actions people might take against me. I've been working on it but still when you're surrounded purely by cis het men and women in a classroom for 3 hours it's terrifying.
Social dysphoria is real! It's definitely something I have and try to work through instead of avoid. Thanks for posting this!!
Such a great video. I love how you connected them because they do come so hand in hand and social dysphoria isn’t seamed to be validated as much, but is just as uncomfortable
oh how I relate... Social dysphoria and social anxiety x100 weeeoooo
Thanks for talking about this topic!! I don't have body dysphoria but definitely social dysphoria. I'm often scared that i'm not valid because of this or 'less trans* than people with body dysphoria'.
pre-transition, I had social dysphoria from people gendering me as male. During and post transition, I had social dysphoria from very feminine presentation. This is an odd thing to go through as an amab slightly non-binary butch lesbian. Now that people see me as the correct gender pretty much always and I generally have a presentation that is not feminine but more androgynous, I have no social dysphoria but I have social anxiety because I'm not conforming to what society says a woman is supposed to be and I'm looked down on for it.
I've found experiencing gender essentialism is a good way to drudge up social dysphoria for me.
I feel like I'm fluid between agender and demiwoman (I have some attachments to agab). And while I don't necessarily mind titles like Miss/etc. it's all about how the person loads the terms.
As soon as someone rattles off about what a woman is or a man is or what is girly or manly or tries to apply it to things like animals (who have no human concept of gender.) That's when I kinda mentally peace out. :I
I got a my generation ad about misgendering before this and watched it the whole way through bc you deserve it!
omg that really hit me. "i want people to see who i am and they're seeing someone else." like holy shit
Agree 100% . One point that I would like to add on, is that if you are in a environment where you don't feel social dysphoria it can tremendously minimize the impact of body dysphoria too. For example, if i'm with my close group of friends in someone's house and all of them treat me by she/her as I wish to be treated, it makes me sometimes "forget" or at least not think about my lack of feminine attributes (being a transwoman) and things like that. It's like these people "see" you as you already and it's the best ! :D Cheers, love your videos Chase
I already knew about/agreed with all the points but I'm so glad you made this video! My social dysphoria keeps getting worse and worse and hearing someone else talk about it relaxes me
thank you for helping me understand myself better
My social dysphoria is so much worse than my body dysphoria! This video is so relevant to me right now and generally so important - thankyou for making this Chase, imma send this to all my friends so they can understand a little bit better! xx
im non binary and have never had a whole lot of body dysphoria but i still knew something wasn't right with the way people were viewing me and my gender and this explains alot of how i was feeling thank you for this i never knew how to explain it before
Last time I was this early your hair was still blue :p
Thank you for addressing this issue, I agree with you that many people forget about the aspect of social dysphoria when talking about transition
I'm curious as to what your thoughts are on facial dysphoria as it's something I never hear anyone talk about in the transmasc community. For me, my social dysphoria ties in a lot with my facial dysphoria. I feel like I can never pass because of my face and it makes me be misgendered in public. I can wear the most masc of masc clothes I can find but it never makes a difference because of my face so I find that my social dysphoria increases massively as people treat me in a feminine manner like calling me pet names. Oh my god, they're the worst. Being called "sweetheart" or "love" and stuff like that by random old guys. No thanks
For me facial dysphoria is sometimes worse than e.g Chest or hip dysphoria. While wearing clothes these body parts are not as prominent, but I can't hide my face
When people read me as male they often think I'm several years younger than I actually am and I feel so frustrated.
I'm 20 and look 15.... and people treat me like I'm 15
Just ugh. I just want to be taken seriously instead of being belittled
I'm the same. My facial dysphoria is my biggest one, even more so than my chest and my hoo-hah bc like you said I can't hide my face. It's easy to just ignore ur chest or ur downstairs but the face is always visible and it's the thing that people will look at first to decide what pronouns they'll use and how they'll treat you. As for me, I'm 18 and I can't even buy an energy drink or go to a 15 movie in the cinema without ID. It sucks.
ive actually never really thought about facial dysphoria that much, i really feel like i could pass (sorry i know its gross and some ppl hate talkin bout it) if it wasnt for my voice. infact even before i started presenting as male i would have customers call me sir just because i had short hair. but for me personally my physical dysphoria is mainly surrounding my hips, chest, and voice (does voice count as physical dysphoria?)- and i actually really have almost no bottom dysphoria at all. but like you said with the pet names- it kinda sucks! because i think pet names are cute tbh i wouldnt mind being called love or sweetheart (just not by old men)- but when someone calls me that i KNOW theyre only calling me that because they think im a girl- so it ruins it- like if they knew i wasnt a girl they wouldnt call me that, and it kinda blows! but yes if some old guy calls me sweetheart im like wtf did u just say u bastard
Yeah I love pet names too but not for the same reasons you mentioned. As for my voice, it really depends. My voice changes depending in what person/group I'm with and my mood. Now, I'm from northern england, which means I happen to be blessed with quite a broad, low accent, which is great for when I'm in other parts of the country, but it doesn't make a difference here because everyone talks like that. My voice can also change to this high pitched, whiny, giggly sort of voice when I'm happy and i hate it. It's very sad because I'll be happy and then the happy voice comes out and then I'm immediately dysphoric and upset. I've even had people in my friendship group tell me my voice is annoying like that and it's like thanks dude for making me feel 10000x worse.
man im from southern california and im always so worried that i sound like a valley girl, because i have 6 sisters, and most of them have that really stereotypical valley girl voice sometimes - so im always conscious of my voice and wondering if i sound like that or not. and yeah my voice does the high pitched, whiny, giggly thing too- it sucks. just like you said its like youre happy and then you hear your voice and youre like fuck why do i sound so feminine. and also why do people youre close to gotta be so annoying and always make you feel worse about yourself. like my bro-in-law mentions a lot how i look like a butch lesbian and im like no pls. pls dont. blah
I absolutely agree with you! I experience social dysphoria too especially when it comes to people and strangers using the incorrect pronouns. Its the absolute worst and causes so much anxiety and discomfort.
Dear lord I have so much social dysphoria. I'm pre-T so I get misgendered a lot even when I feel like I look masculine as hell which crushes me. I'm in a weight training class at my school, which I love, but I feel uncomfortable around 99% of the guys so I lift with the only girl and her friend who is trans friendly. I also get very "in my head" about strangers that pass by my and what they think of me. Because nine times out of ten they probably see me as female and have this image of a completely different person. I've had panic attacks just from thinking about that too much. It is unbelievably frustrating when you know that people don't know the real you. Its almost like if someone spread a rumor about you and everyone in the world believes it. Some will listen to you and understand that its not true but the majority just keeps on believing.
I haven't started transitioning yet, and I can't even afford "cheats" to feel more in tune with my gender, so, I feel a lot of social dysphoria about going out, meeting new people, or just being with people that don't really know I'm a woman, I can't even think about getting a job because of it...
I think a reason why your videos feel so comforting to me is that I relate so much to when you talk about not feeling like your body is right. I've felt like that my whole life, like I was stuck in a cage and trying to get to the other side of it, just that for me it's not connected to gender I think. I've just always felt out of place in my body, like it doesn't look like who I feel I am. So I just basically wanted to say I appreciate your videos and how open you are to explaining things
This video is so relatable that I literally said "yeah." out loud, to myself, in my room. I feel this way all the time. I have a mental image of myself and it's so uncomfortable when I'm confronted with someone who does not see me that way. I don't feel that bad about my body, but I feel bad about the way my body is perceived by others, y'know? When I look in the mirror, I see masculine, but when others look at me, they see feminine and they treat me accordingly. That's where the dysphoria happens, for me.
Omg this made so much sense!!! I don't have body dysphoria but I still feel uncomfortable in social situations when being referred to as she or her or as feminine. This vid helped me kinda figure out that I probably have social dysphoria which is a relief - I'm not just being overly anxious!! It's pretty difficult since I identify as non binary - but more towards the masculine side I guess - and its super hard to figure things out since there's not much vocab around it... But this vid was great and helped a lot 😊😊😊
When I'm home alone or talking with close friends who are also trans and who gender me correctly, I feel completely comfortable with myself. But all that comfort goes away completely when I'm in public or talking to strangers and I don't pass. So I definitely feel the social dysphoria more than anything.
The way you described it in the beginning, the feeling you get when you're misgendered and it feels like people aren't seeing ~you~ is exactly how I feel.
Also, I get so much social dysphoria when people make misogynist jokes about me or around me. It's like this is what you think about women and you see me as one (though I'm not). And if I correct them, say how offensive their jokes are, either I 'have no humor' or I 'come on too strong and offend them'. I and oppressed people can be made fun of, but oh dear if I open my mouth and fight back they get their feelings hurt. :(
I remember when you talked about this a bit on the podcast and honestly I like this idea of opening up conversations about dysphoria. It wasn’t until you and Aaron started talking about it that I even realized there was many different facets to dysphoria. I think it’s important to open up conversations about this because people usually just think of things related to physical dysphoria when they think of dysphoria.
Dude this is me like 600%. I feel like when I’m at home and no one is around, my dysphoria is so small and I don’t have to pack or bind or act masc. But when I go out, my social dysphoria is sooooo bad and if anyone misgenders or misnames me it’s devastating to me. Such a weird thing to experience! Thanks for the video!
Thank you thank you THANK YOU, your description of this is exactly how I feel, especially about when people don't know I'm trans. It makes me feel on edge all the time because I don't know what they're thinking or how they perceive me. It really does feel like living a lie, like I'm in the closet all over again.
Literally crying in bed right now. Thank you. I've identified as nonbinary for almost a year, but I've always struggled with my dysphoria. It started as just being like, "I know I'm not a girl but I'm not a boy either." (That's how a lot of my discovery went, finding labels and trying them on without question.) I struggle because I have a very feminine expression, that is a little androgynous. I like androgynous clothing but I've always fit under society's definition of "feminine," personality-wise. I felt like a trender for so long because every other nonbinary friend of mine has body dysphoria, and I just don't. It was the only definition of nonbinary I'd ever known. But after some extensive research, I finally encountered a video that explains just how I feel. I'm okay if someone I'm not out to uses she/her pronouns but if I'm out to someone if I hear them use she/her instead of they/them I get this really sharp and quick pang of like... "That's not me. I don't know who you're talking about. You're talking about me, but you're not talking about ~me~." It was so difficult for so long. But I finally understand, and I actually can not wait to talk to my friends about it.
I do have a lot of social dysphoria, when I'm misgendered or misnamed or experience transphobia directed towards me I feel physically sick for hours sometimes, and the first time it happened I actually got very dizzy and fell down... ever since then I've stopped doubting that I'm trans. when I'm misgendered by my mom and I correct her she's like "oh don't talk about that now"...
This helped me so much, thank you. I've been feeling really conflicted lately because even though I find that my body has visual appeal, that's not how I want to be recognised. I don't hate my body, because I'm in a place where I can forgive the things I have no power to change just yet, and I know that I'm actively working on it, but the body that will most accurately reflect who I am and how I feel is a man's body.
Actually, when you said the things about the cage I was like "omg, yes, this is exactly it !" so now, I know how to explain it to people when they ask me to, so thanks !
Thank you! I was wondering what the hell this feeling was and you've labeled it! You're such a wonderful person!
thank you for this. my body dysphoria is there but what really pushes me to transition is my social dysphoria. in my experience i get more uncomfortable with cis women than cis men bc the cis men at my high school seem to be more accepting and understanding than the women, but also bc sometimes i feel less masculine when i hang out with women.
im the opposite- im much more comfortable around cis women than cis men, and generally feel alot more masc around them too. but idk it might be because i have 6 sisters and my friends have almost always been female too
My inlaws caused this so much over the years for me .
I’m stealth at school and I have social dysphoria and social anxiety and it hinders me so much socially, because I feel like I have to tread so carefully and basically hide so much of myself to fit in.
So I’m thinking about coming out and just be free, but that thought is also really scary.
Amazing video Chase! I relate hardcore to this and the fact that you mentioned your social dysphoria is part of what aided in your decision to physically transition. My social dysphoria has been a big driving force for my transition and I never even realized how much it impacted me until I came out and experimented more with my pronouns, name, etc.
I couldn't have said it better. You totally hit the nail on the head. Thank you for taking time to explain this
Thanks for this video Chase! I've been saying this to people for years and it's good to know you're getting the word out to so many others :) Social Dysphoria was the primary drive in me starting my physical transition, and it's awesome to hear you experienced that too! I relate to basically everything you've said in this video and that's so cool, because others I talk to don't always get it.
I've had a lot of the same thoughts myself! I've only started passing in the last year or so and have noticed how much of a difference it makes to interactions with cis men. I wouldn't call it dysphoria though, it's more just... new, and weird. I think the main reason for it is that the assumptions people make about me, and the expectations, are different to the ones people used to make about me. So now I'm finding myself doing just the same as I did before - acting differently to how I'm *supposed* to act. Like not shying away from stupid stuff that's considered feminine (like tea that has rose in it for example). I'm not trying to fit in with my fellow men, so I have this background noise of "I feel like the odd one out, but do I actually care about these people anyway?" and it's kinda uncomfortable.
I completely agree on being stealth. For me, being trans is a big part of who I am. It's something that I plan my days around and what I post about the most on social media. The idea of hiding all of that, to me, means putting myself in a place where I might experience transphobic comments that I won't feel comfortable calling out if the person is under the assumption I'm cis. I am cis passing as a trans masc guy (been on T for 1yr on May 2nd), but I've been very open about who I am as a trans person. I just found out that most people at my work think I'm cis, and that has made me super uncomfortable. Like, yes, the goal for me is to pass! But I still want to be known as a trans guy. I hate being thought of as cis. It gives me a weird sense of body dysphoria, and I can't pinpoint what exactly it is. I don't have much, if any, body dysphoria otherwise, except for my hands, weirdly enough.
I relate so much with what you said about social dysphoria. I experience it everytime I'm surrounded by cismen... mostly those days in my dec hockey locker room. Continue your awesome work! 😊
Thanks for sharing the thought about being uncomfortable entering spaces with a lot of cis men. I identify as genderqueer and as I become more comfortable with this identity I've been feeling less comfortable with "spaces for women" or events geeared toward women. Now it clicked for me that that's a part of social dysphoria
I have a lot more physical dysphoria than social dysphoria. My social dysphoria mainly comes from people refusing to believe that I'm trans. Then there's the weird thing I have that no matter how much surgery I have I will never be a 'proper' man. I look at my cis friends and wonder why they got to have male bodies and I didn't.
There's a general sentiment, I feel, in the trans community of dysphoria coming in layers; for instance, a lot of folks don't feel bottom dysphoria because their top dysphoria is so immediate and distracting. For me, social dysphoria growing up blockaded a lot of physical dysphoria I feel, and I didn't know why. Now that I understand it pertains to gender specifically, I can identify aspects of it better.
I feel like you nailed it.
I actually started with way more social than body dysphoria. It's being perceived by others as female that bothers me and it actually initially blocked me from transitioning medically, because the doctor I saw wouldn't refer me to a gender specialist because I didn't have body dysphoria, it was mostly social. Thankfully that's been resolved.
Definitely agree with you. Social dysphoria for me has gotten so bad that I never really leave home anymore. I go out for groceries, to get mail, to take out the trash, and stay inside. I have a super effeminate looking face and the gel I'm on is super slow to adjust the dose (it's so hard to find the right dose on gel) and I also have a lot of really bad body dysphoria with it. It doesn't help that when I've tried dating online people ask if I still have a vagina because they are so wrapped up in me 'being a girl for them' or a sexual experiment that I am just terrified of people anymore. I don't really have many trans friends, none that I talk to regularly, so I have no one to really relate to. Social dysphoria is literally ruining me so bad because I'd rather lock myself inside than be called 'miss' or she/her' or 'maam' when I got out. I get it on the phone. I get it in public even when I'm wearing my pins. Sorry this was such a long rant, but I never really thought of social dysphoria as being separate from physical, and while I have both very badly, they definitely are interesting to bring up apart from each other.
my personal definition of social dysphoria is feeling the disconnect between how you want people to see you and how they actually see you (or how you think they see you)... like i want people to see me and not know what gender i am, but then I also don't want them to ask or guess what I am as I'm super awkward and introverted, I just want to be ambiguous without it being weird
I swear just hearing your voice and all of the smart logical things that you say make me feel so validated and so much less crazy. Even though I'm over a year on T and 100% cis passing, I still from time to time become afraid someones going to misgender me or question my sex. I swear some people think they have a right to information that I consider one of my deepest burried secrets.
I feel the exact same re cis men, and I've never really figured out why. You knocked the nail right on the head with your explanation, it feels good to know I'm not alone!
I think I have social dysphoria. But I don't think I'm trans.
I was AMAB and I look pretty typically masculine. I do break the rules a little and if I was more self confident I would certainly break them more. But basically if you look at me you know I'm a man.
However I regularly get mistaken for a woman when not seen. So on the phone or say I'm waiting on a table. If I had a dollar for every time I dropped food at a table and the bloke said 'thanks honey' then turned around and was shocked to see a man I'd be dang rich.
Now, as a man, you'd think I'd feel uncomfortable when they misgendered me. But that's not it. I actually feel good when I'm mistaken for a woman, what makes me cringe is when they realise I'm not one and generally make a big deal about it.
i can relate to this, i've had customers call me sir but then they kind of do a double take and i can feeeel them regretting it and THATS what makes me uncomfortable, but im pretty sure that i am trans, im still figuring it all out tho
Fam this isnt dysphoria its a feeling triggered from a dislike of gender norms
I totally get what you are saying! I feel uncomfortable in certain places depending on what kind of people are there. If I go to a pub full of men watching football, drinking beer and talking about women as if they were objects makes me sick. I used to adapt to those social circumstances and pretend that they were funny and I used to become a bland boring human. Right now I have NO patience for that and I find it harder and harder to find people I can connect with.
I have social dysphoria and for me it’s that I get really scared of going out because people will misgender me and it’ll take away some of the fun that I could have. I always feel weird because people will tell me that I look like a boy and then they spread rumors that I’m a lesbian and when I correct them they get really rude about it. So I even unintentionally avoid putting myself into social situations and it’s really annoying me
!!! Yes !!! This what it is! I forgot it was a thing. My social dysphoria is so bad if someone doesn't look at me and think "man" i will breakdown i care so much about the social part
OH MY GOD I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT FOREVER. I really don't have a lot of physical dysphoria and I was like "oh I'm not trans I cant transition hormones aren't for me" but every time I get called Miss and young lady at work i just die a little inside like omg thank you for explaining this
i definitely have social dysphoria, and the worst part is that i need to miss gender myself just to act normal to others people.
anytime i introduce myself and say my birth-name
or when people call me a miss, lady, she i just stand there and don’t correct them.
i hate it-
I LOVE the reference to calling cis people the wrong pronouns or wrong names, it really shows just how much our identity is important to us! Lately, my oddity is, I like guys, I'm looking more masculine, and now when I look at a guy, they look away like: "I'm not gay, don't look at me that much man." It's odd. I notice more girls looking at me, and that's uncomfortable too because I'm not attracted to most women. (I like a few, but apparently I'm VERY particular! I like brains more than bodies!)
Growing up I was forbidden to do things because of my sex. I wasn't allowed to do things that were "feminine" or even babysit because I was a boy. We I had long hair I was constantly called a female/girl/woman and it bothered the hell out of me. My mother constantly told me that I was going to be a "man" one day and would put me around men to "get in touch with my masculinity." As time went one concepts like masculinity and femininity didn't exist to me and never really appealed to me either. When I became an adult I discovered the different genders and now identify as being genderless.
omg yes someone put my thoughts into words. maybe now i can explain what i'm feeling to my therapist.
Being Trans is so engrained in who I am that Cis passing definitely gives me dysphoria! I'm also NB so maybe it's that but it's really nice to see someone else who experiences the same thing that I do :)
In my opinion, Social dysphoria is just a branch off Body Dysphoria. When I experience social dysphoria it’s always about how they can see the feminine curves of my hips and how they can tell I was born female. Again, i have social anxiety so it’s probably not the same for everyone else.
I agree with this! The difference for me at least is that when I'm at home alone, while yes I do experience body dysphoria, it is not even close to how bad dysphoria is when I'm around people. So to me social dysphoria is the dysphoria that is mainly "activated" through being around people, if that makes sense! :)
for me it's the other way around - the bits of bodily dysphoria come from me being read as female or feminine rather than me actually seeing my body parts as "womanly" or anything like that - I rarely think about my body at all unless it's drawn attention to somehow.
I repressed a lot of feelings along so many years, and then i realized it was social dysphoria. It really sucks but at the same made me realize that I have to transition
I hear you! When I have to enter a space with cis straight men, even just one, I've caught myself lowering my voice pitch, and paying a lot of attention to their body language to mimic them, looking at their face reactions to what I say and getting what they're saying, and juat like you said: avoiding chit-chat about emotions, in general. And THAT FUCKING SUCKS.
I don't want to appeal to their social cues, I want to just be -more- me. And somehow there I am, trying to make them include me and make me "one of them" while I feel that I'm stabing myself in the back. I hate not being able to get along with them in a more natural way but I hate more that I am looking for their acceptance.
This helped me so much!!! I don't have much body dysphoria, (I'm fine with my genitals, although I'd like to have a packer, but I hate my chest) but I have a lot of social dysphoria at school, usually when people use my birth name or call me miss/woman/girl/lady, it just hurts and makes me feel sick knowing that others see me as a girl when I'm not.
I have the worst social dysphoria. Most of the teachers at my school use she and girl and it causes pain, nervousness and it makes me tear up for some reason and it ruins my whole day.
oh my goodddd this was so validating. I can't be friends with straight cis males because I feel the expectations they have of me so hard and I absolutely hate it, but I also hate social tension (shout out to anxiety) so I end up acquiescing and feeling not myself and resenting them. Especially because I'm nonbinary and I know that most people I interact with don't understand/respect my identity, it's so hard to overcome this social dysphoria and be completely out.
I'm on the autism spectrum so I had social anxiety in my wiring, but after three and a half years of transition (HRT included) I'm starting to notice social dysphoria around cis women. I mean, I was living in the charade of a guy for 33 years, having to endure being thought of as a guy, that I think like a guy, love like a guy, and so on.
Women, as we do, tend to make assumptions about men and their intentions thanks to misogyny and sexual assault, and it hurt so much to know that any woman in my life - whether family member, friend, or acquaintance - had in the back of their minds that I was probably just as much a slave to my [assigned] gender as any other man.
So now, after transition and trying fit in socially with other women, I still feel like those assumptions are still there, that these cis women think that somewhere in my being there’s a man’s agenda, or that they can’t talk about things around me (or with me) that are related to being female. The girl I currently live with goes out with other girlfriends on weekends, and she doesn’t invite me. Whether that has anything to do with how she may think about me it still feels like it does, like maybe she doesn’t see me as a “real woman” so I can’t hang out with her and her other friends.
And, of course, there’s also the issue of me having not had a girlhood growing up, not being socialized that way, and missing out on a lot of social things that come with that. But I didn’t “hang out with the guys”, because the things they were often interested in doing made me uncomfortable. I only ever hung out with just one person at a time, someone who I *did* feel comfortable around. I never had a squad.
But I kind of want that now. I have no BFFs at all. I want to be included. I might not understand a few things, but I’m ready to learn and ready to be “one of the girls”. But because of everything I’ve mentioned I don’t know what to do or how to feel, and I don’t want to guilt-trip anyone or impose on anyone just to be included. So, I tend to stay quiet. I can’t help but feel like I don’t belong in those spaces even though I know I should be.
TERFs want to say that trans women just want to invade women’s spaces, but that’s so untrue. We just want to be seen, acknowledged, and included, and we have no desire to pressure anyone about it. Just see us. We are women, too. It may have taken some of us a long time to accept that, ourselves, but we’re not slaves to our old programming.
>purple hair
>purple nails
>purple background
YOU ARE BECOMING ONE WITH YOUR WALLS
. . . I'm sorry, I just find this amusing, I didn't get enough sleep, don't mind me hahaha
My physical dysphoria is a direct result of my social dysphoria. If I could look and sound the way I look and sound without being seen as a man, I wouldn't really want to change anything in terms of physical gender expression. But because my body causes me to be seen as a man, I want to change it or cover it in ways that will clearly communicate my femininity and womanhood. It took me so long to understand that I was a trans woman because I didn't learn about social dysphoria, even from my super-progressive physiology teacher who was married to a trans person and was incredible about telling us the truth about things like sex and gender. I didn't understand until I started listening to trans people talk about themselves.
I think one way my gender dysphoria interacts with my general anxiety is that I have moments of doubt where I think maybe I'm somehow deceiving myself. It's like on one hand I KNOW I'm a woman but then on the other am I really. Super traumatic.
This is such an under-discussed topic.
This might be my favourite video of yours. Thank you so much.
Thank you for this! I was discussing something similar with my wife the other day. That lumping all the uncomfortable “feels” I get being a trans guy, into one label of dysphoria didn’t seem helpful. So the idea of a social D and a physical D is helpful. It allows me to distinguish my reactions to situations better. I might also suggest that social D comes in two types....interpersonal and intrapersonal. "interpersonal" refers to relationships or actions that take place between two or more people while "intrapersonal" refers to things that go on exclusively within one person. The “who am I as a man/woman/NB, what are my values?” Kinda of questions are the intra and can cause huge amounts of dysphoria for me. Especially when I start dissecting toxic masculinity and how much of it I was looking forward to before I even knew what toxic masculinity looked like.
Wow. I love how open and how real you are. I love how in tune with yourself you are. I’m not sure what’s up wit me. I know when I was 14 I developed issues with being called a girl and very much identified with male. That continued until I had my son. Now I seem to not care either way. I still don’t like being referred to as a girl but I do get random moments where I want to dress up like one. And have grown self conscious about the fact people think I’m a boy sometimes. I don’t know if it’s because my family criticizes me for it or what but I am no where near as in tune with me as you are with you. I really find you inspirational.
I have been on T for 3+ years and I totally relate to feeling uncomfortable around cis men. Like the best I can do is be myself and luckily I'm in an environment where most people don't question how feminine I'm acting. BUT I also don't understand a lot of "cis men" interactions or the "correct" response to something they say that a cis man would probably not even think twice about. I also hate it how talking about genitals comes up so much in conversation and I have to pretend I get it. I guess it's just a reminder that I didn't have the typical "male" experience growing up so it makes me uncomfortable.
Your video is very old but I want to say thank you for this. Everything else I have read and watched focuses on physical dysphoria but for me it all starts with social dysphoria. I absolutely hate, to the point of feeling suicidal about it, when I go out in public and I can tell that no matter how masculine the clothes I am wearing, people will always see me as feminine and interact with a "girl" of their mind's making. People keep wanting me to be sweeter and softer and less blunt and participate in more feminine things; and when I try to do more masculine things, people gatekeep those spaces and treat me like a subpar guest. I didn't have body dysphoria until I realised that they're treating me weird and I feel like nobody ever sees the real me (or wants me unless I put on some fake feminine act) because to them, my body means I should be womanly. Since then I absolutely loathe the things about my body that give me away - my voice, my hips and the way I walk/move... and I can tell now even looking at photos of cis men, I'm starting to hate my genitals too, because I know that all someone has to do is see them and they'll automatically decide that not only am I not "man" enough, but I am womanly for having those bits. I really, really hate how cis people and cis concepts make me feel trapped and miserable in my body.
Before I watched this video, I never really thought I had dysphoria and couldn't relate, even though I do feel social dysphoria which leads to body dysphoria. I feel like this body is mine, and that my chest is just a little different, but after I came out, I became frustrated with the way I was being seen. True, I haven't been out for long, maybe for a year or so, idk what the common amount is, but I kept wanting to up my masculinity even though I like being feminine or having feminine features. I was fine by myself, I feel tall and strong and beautiful like a tiger lily in the morning. When I was around others, though, I wanted to be perceived so badly as he and him that I kept doing things that would increase my 'manliness'. I stopped wearing bows because that would make me look like a girl, I don't paint my nails anymore because that's something a girl would do, etc etc. This makes so much more sense now, and though I'm still struggling with it, this definitely makes it better knowing what the feeling is.
I was talking to someone about the controversial opinion of can you be trans without dysphoria and how people always assume dysphoria = self hate and often forgetting that things like pronouns fall into dysphoria. Plus if you're 100% okay with being a cis girl how can you be a trans guy?
I have a good social dysphoria story. In fact this happened a couple days ago. So I am still in middle school coming up on my teens, and I was so shook when someone said this to me. I was having a kinda joke conversation explaining to some people in my grade that I am trans and that I identify as a guys even tho society doesn’t give s*** what we say, and in this conversation one of the four girls at the table says to me... “I would like you...” I just kinda froze and tried to laugh it off, but I was and still am extremely uncomfortable around this person and I was confused and scared about not knowing whether it was a joke or what it meant. What really kinda shook me was that they said this in a weird kinda literal way like they actually meant it. Has anyone else had this kind of experience. I mean, I knew I would come too this kinda topic with people, but I never expected someone to say that to me when I told them that I identified as trans.
So true. I finally feel confident in my body and all that but I still sometimes have worries when like going to new spaces. I still worry about new people not seeing me as the women I worked so hard to be in this world. It definitely doesn't invalidate who I am when someone misgenders me or something like that but it still hurts for sure.
This has me wondering how much of my social anxiety is actually social dysphoria. I don't want people to see me as someone I'm not. I also don't want them to know I'm trans, which gives me even more anxiety. As soon as I'm passing, I'm putting my past behind me and not telling ANYONE how I was born. I want to fully embrace my maleness.
When I'm around people that I can't be honest with I feel like I'm loosing myself.
Thanks for posting this! I feel like I am relating to this a lot. I do get social dysphoria, although little to no body dysphoria. I know all my friends view me as non-binary, but I get uncomfortable when I meet someone new and I tell them my name (Ayden - which I find to be a more neutral spelling in my opinion). When that new person repeats my name back, I mentally cringe because I feel like they are saying it as "Aidan" rather than "Ayden", even though I know that isn't logical since writing/spelling aren't involved in speech.
I'm nonbinary, and social dysphoria is the only kind of dysphoria I experience. I get much more self conscious about how I present when I go out and what assumptions people are going to make about my gender, but when I'm on my own there isn't really much gender-wise that gets to me
Hugs for all my socially anxious trans too. It sucks so much to have social anxiety on top of social dysphoria.
I get social dysphoria over my pronouns but not my name. If someone I know knows about me being trans, I get uncomfortable when they say my birth name, but if its someone like my grandma who doesnt, I dont. I always get a little icky when someone uses she, especially if its someone who doesn't know me, but as someone who is pre-transition with very feminine features, its hard to avoid. Sometimes I'm competely fine and then someone calls me she and suddenly I'm hyper aware of all of my feminine body parts. I 100% agree that theyre interconnected.