Why Your Tinder Match Isn't Going To Date You
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 23 มิ.ย. 2022
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:10 - Reddit post
03:01 - What is the outcome that the dating app is looking for?
05:25 - The premise of a dating app is inverse
06:52 - Studies
13:04 - Why do people use dating apps?
18:52 - Questions
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Dating apps don't make money when you really find your life partner, they make money when you keep looking. So, the apps are optimized to make you spend more time looking and never find the right one for you. If they would gotten paid only when you made a baby, it would work differently.
Exactly they need to get those subscription money from the insecure and depressed men
How do they make it so you don't find someone though? If one of the problems is that there isn't much info on there, then how are cultivating this mis-match? Also they'd make more money off people matching, because word of mouth is still very strong and its equivalent on the internet like comment pages or various forums, i mean it still works for TV shows that are popular. I mean there'll always be single people, even if every single user today matched with their soulmate, you have teenagers growing up and using them, or people that split up for whatever reason, people using it for hookups etc. I first started to use dating apps, because it was working for my friends, other than that i was cynical too. I've met a few people on there now, not many but it included my first GF back in the day - did i just beat a multi-million dollar company bro?! Im signing up to the Avengers.
That makes so much sense...
@@Balloonbot There would be an incentive to provide you with subpar outcomes. The lightbulb industry is infamous for this. The technology for long lasting ones have existed for decades, but they keep you as a customer longer with subpar ones. Tinder is gonna minimize matching combinations which make people delete/leave Tinder. They might not eliminate every "success", but I sure as hell cant see the CEO justifying otherwise to the board of directors.
Yeah, then they would focus on hookups among people who don't use condoms reguarly
Dr. K giving advice on dealing with your parents for most people: "Try entering the conversation with a genuine curiosity for their point of view."
Dr. K giving advice on dealing with Asian parents: "Your first mistake is believing this isn't war. I recommend reading Sun Tzu for some strategies for exploiting their weaknesses."
🤣🤣🤣
A child to an asian parent, is what a parade banner is to a soldier. The soldier will love and care for his banner sure. Make sure it is clean, polished, and always displaying the bright heraldry of the unit. But make no mistake. You are there for show
@@inquisitionagent9052 Dam, good analogy!
@@inquisitionagent9052 I’m also sorry
@@internalizedhappyness9774 dont be. Atleast they care in their own strange way. Its all that matters for me now, especially since I have nobody else that would bother to care
as a bi woman, I can tell you right away that neither of the genders reply to me lol. I think everybody is just condtantly looking for better and better matches without realizing love isnt found, it is built over time
True. According to psychology after 9 options the brain can't decide. So the people who have success in dating apps are the ones who give a few matches and then don't swipe anymore and choose between those matches a good option. This usually result in dating and good relationships
@@stevedavetas1059 they're talking about the apps and not dating in general. The apps are garbage for everyone.
@@commentingisawasteoftime7195 Except for the top level guys, which don't even need to use dating apps (outside of instagram), but they're the only people truly getting what they want in the modern day dating world
@@TrevorLaVigne according to who exactly? Those weird statistics are from dating websites where most people don't even have optimized profiles. That isn't real life.
@@joseluizpereirafilho7222 According to dating statistics off of many dating sites. Fellow Women are swiping on the top 20% of men. Its pretty simple. fellow women on the app are quite picky and their is a small women to men ratio. Attractiveness is everything. Guys are waaaay more lenient in the looks department then women are...... and as a woman this seems to be the truth I notice all my friends that use the dating app only use it for validation.... they already have boyfriends. This is so unfair to guys I have a Boyfriend..... it is sooo unfair to him I get soooo many matches compared to him. Stop lying to yourself. We are very selective on the looks department.
As an insecure man getting 200+ matches felt great but after you try to speak with them and less than 10 actually engage in conversation but none of them wants to go out makes me feel even more weirded out by how is this supposed to be a dating app
Maybe the problem is partially your social skills. 200+ matches and no positive interactions at all is not usually normal.
@@StarmenRock i tried everything, talk a lot and bring new talking topics, talk less and make her talk more about her, try to talk what she passionate about or what i am, be sincere, do jokes all the time, be relaxed, be more funny, talk about life
All of it does nothing, what i hate the most is that in more than 80% of the cases i say something and they respond with a really short message that does nothing to the conversation
200+ matches?! Blimey! You're definitely a tiny minority of men but your experience is basically what a lot of women feel. They get shit ton of matches - but find the large majority incompatible and surprise - it doesnt cure their insecurities.
@@krieg1583 Your perspective on the “chatting” part of tinder is wrong. You should immediately be setting up a date within like 4 messages (not using it to have conversation) And then when it’s setup, you don’t try to have a conversation with them over text till then. Asking them what they’re passionate about is for sure a first date topic
@@ericuher3588 also tried that, every time they would say they first want to know me better or that they don't want something casual
Online dating is torture. I get matches fine, but I’m starting to feel like the guys I go on dates with are in “I will take what I can get” mode. Listening to my single guy friends talk about dating, really feels like they would spend time with ~anyone~ even if they are terrible if they either a) might get laid or b) if the person is hot. I just want to be with someone who chooses me for me, not just because they are desperate for anything they can get.
This is a problem for us lately. Mainly because we've had a hard time gaining any attention at all. So we go with people we wouldn't normally. It just hurts both sides. If youll allow me to be honest the shitty part is as a man the longer you go without contact, the more you atrophy and it becomes impossible to be attractive to women.
The typical "when I have a girlfriend I'm turning down advances but when I'm single I can't even get a match."
So when we fall I'm the hole we destroy our standards and just focus on interaction of any kind to try to find our spark again, then work their way up. They shouldn't ever be so obvious that you'd notice blatantly, but some men have no compassion. It's unfortunate.
Also women underestimate just how powerful their nurturing capability is. You may think that he doesn't care for you. But I look back incredibly fondly on some women who were what I needed, when I needed it. The key is being clear with intentions. You guys make us feel warm and validated to a degree that gives us actual power. Just because a relationship doesn't meet an end goal doesn't mean it's meaningless. If those men weren't fond of you in some way they would never have been there.
If they have "I'll take what I can get energy" then that means they ARENT adverse to you. I've fallen for a girl that was supposed to be comfort before. Because she showed me she was way more than my arrogance expected. Then she cheated eventually but that doesn't matter anymore 🤣
boo hoo cry more
I think this is exactly true. These are the experiences and goals you should be looking for when using a 'dating' app. If you want something profound, either go on dates immediately (no chatting/profiles), or just date someone you get to know naturally. Dating apps are for a fun time, not for relationships.
@@ayoo_wassup you only atrophy if you think your value comes from how many women you have around. Be a whole person that isnt defined by the relationships you establish, amd bring something to a relationship instead of just thinking of getting validation out of someone just because you feel hollow.
Yeah that's 90% of the men I know, the only men I know who aren't like that are guys that only do casual and sleep around a lot. The guys that actually want something real tend to have to keep lowering their expectations more and more.
I'm 30 and haven't used a dating app in 4 years. My mental health has never been better. Take it from me young bloods DELETE THE APPS!!!
I know im late but ive done it
Where do you meet people then?
@@enbykenz through friends/friendgroups
While I agree and don’t have any apps myself I wonder what to do instead. And before you say anything, _I know,_ but there’s something wrong with me. Whether it’s my shyness, introversion, or autism, my life itself doesn’t allow me to go out and about to even have the possibility of meeting someone. Even if I met 100 people a day, and I kinda sorta did for years when working in retail, I don’t know what to do or say. Which is why I’ve just plain given up because I realized I’m defective, so no sense in trying to sell damaged goods like myself.
@@geistwesen.My friend groups are male all the way down. My interests are male dominated. And I'm not gay so what's your advice for me?
"The best sign a relationship is beyond repair is when you are the one trying to repair it"
MIND = BLOWN
I really needed to hear this right now.
*only one 26:15
Seems about right
@@WanderTheNomad yeah this is important bc… how the fuck would it make sense otherwise lol
@@TheDavveponken me too, the initial comment made no sense but this guy made it clear
A brilliant observation you've made that transcends even the whole, "dating apps want you to keep coming back/never find a good partner" stuff... We as humans, with these tools, focus more on our volume of matches rather than a successful match.
Can't focus on "successful matches" if there are none
This place seem full of gullible people. Just open your eyes and watch what women chose. This charlatan does not know what he is talking about What a load of utter bullshit. This charlatan is asking people to process their emotions while usually the main issue for failure in dating women is physical appearance.
This guy can’t give you the answers about why your dating life is not working as you want. Maybe he can help you to cope with being single but the problem doesn’t usually come from men behaviors but rather how they look.
He claim to be psychiatrist, but psychiatrist mainly work with fox medication so I don’t even know why he wants to play the psychologist. Probably he wants to sell more consulting online to naive sad men.
The reason of your celibacy is usually physical appearance, don’t listen to this man he just want your money.
It completely misses the point because it assumes succesful dating is optimally accomplished through qualitative attempts as opposed to a pure quantitative approach.
For a man a quantitative approach is significantly more advantageous since 80% of women will not want to date the man in the first place. For Women a qualitative approach is more advantageous since they have higher standards and are able to curate what they are looking for.
@@th0bse_ Reset your profile, get a friend or even better a girl to take pictures of you (smart phone is fine). Black and white always works on boosting your looks. And if you do some fun activities ask a friend to take a picture while you are doing it it always helps. With a good profile even if you are average looking dude you will stand out and get likes, especially when your profile is new. Most girls on there are not looking for a relationship however so only use it if you are looking for something spicy, and even that can flow into a relationship later. Make sure to use the app on a daily basis just a couple swipes will do. People who like you will get put close to the beginning of your swiping so with low effort you can get results. But only if your pictures are on point. Bio does not matter a lot tbh. I got 5 matches in 2 weeks this way and a girl coming over to my house.
@@th0bse_ Oh and for the pictures, get your phone to record. It gives you time to relax and try some different angles/poses. After taking like 3-5 minutes of video you cut that chit up into frames and find a good pictures from that footage. Works like a charm. Took me 4 days to setup a top notch profile and now I'm getting results while before that I got like 1 match every 2-4 months.
i just reached an epiphany while watching this a quarter of the way. i think the real problem is that once there are too many things involved, it becomes complicated. for example someone with a closet full of the same t shirt and same pants, will easily pick a shirt and pants to wear quickly. someone with too many things in the closet will take too long to pick, get overwhelmed and say they don't have anything to wear. i think this is why the old fashioned meeting in person and falling in love naturally works best tbh.
I think you're on to something literally no one has said the apparent options of online dating is an issue!
Isn't it called the paradox of choice? Someone wrote a book about it, the example given being consumer choices available in supermarkets
@@hesterwright3674 Not just book. There's a TED talk about it as well. (No idea about who did it/title, though.) Also heard it referred to as paralysis of choice, but I've heard paradox as well. Maybe both terms exist?
@@apotato4873Yes, it's a classic! It's called "The paradox of choice | Barry Schwartz", also look up "Why Men Get So Few Matches on Dating Apps" by memeable data, which gives a statistical explanation for why (at least in hetero dating scenes) men get so few matches
It's the same exact phenomenon as doom scrolling through Netflix for an hour looking for something to watch, thrn either giving up and closing the app or just watching something you've already seen before again. Only instead of a show, you're doom scrolling through people. And worse, because you can easily get into the sunk cost fallacy, and become hypergamic (if that is even a word, otherwise replace it with extra choosy) because why settle for this, when the next swipe could be even better? And if it's not, keep swiping. You don't have to ever necessarily stop pulling the handle on the dating slot machine, because you could always be one pull away from the 777 jackpot.
So either you give up because you don't get matches, you shut down because there's too many choices, or you keep swiping looking for the greenest grass, then looking for greener greenest grass, and get hooked on looking instead of actually connecting.
It all seems like a huge waste of time as anything other than a free time waster. With very limited potential benefits or rewards.
I thank dating apps for letting me know people can find me attractive or funny, and for letting me know I don't actually get nervous talking to potentially romantic interests.
It was an exploratory experience, I went out with 3 different people, with no actual success. Once I stopped using them, I out of nowhere found myself in a real date, and I think my previous experience helped me not fuck up, because it went great. It didn't end as I would have wished, but I've gotten myself some unforgettable happy memories.
Overall I think they helped me grow up and gain a bit of confidence.
See its different when you can actually find someone to meet in person from tinder. Cause good or bad you at least had a real human conversation and feel good about youself in that aspect. Guys who don't ever get attention from the dating apps probably feel really bad about themselves.
@@ZombieBacon13Dk why people are still on Tinder. Hinge is way better and barely any bots.
100% Facts. Dating apps imo helps you get out there and get actual dating experience which most people really need starting out. Helps you know what you like and don't like.
My issue with dating apps is that they make people feel like bland NPC's. Rather than getting a personable first impression you get stats like height, age, etc. You have to judge based on pictures and people always look worse in a picture than they do in real life. Dating apps kinda force you to make shallow judgement calls based on how you imagine somethin. Maybe you turn someone down that you'd actually like because you imagine 5'7 being way taller than it actually is, 135 pounds being bigger than you think, or you just don't think they have an attractive face when they do and they are being misrepresented by there photos. This can also go the other way in that you can assume you find someone attractive but actually don't. I'd say at least 50% of the process for online dating is essentially gambling on wether or not how you view someone is accurate. I hate it so much.
to be honest, most people irl are also bland, nowadays. I get to talk with a girl at work, she's all like "my hobbies are 'having a good time'". Yeeeah. Any more detailed answer is often "ya know, party, mj, and drinks with besties!".
...yeah, somewhat incompatible with what I understand as a hobby, but you do you, girl. Anything else? No? Well, you dont say, only "fuckbois" like you, why whould that be...I wonder :V
It feel like they advertise matches like products, very inhuman.
I disagree, I've used okcupid for a while a couple years ago and you do actually get a great impression of people who bother to fill out their profile.
Unfortunately for some of the women, they got a good impression of me 😂
What's wrong with Npcs? people acting like them are making them tons of money now hahaha
I personally don't even look at the height or weight. I look at their hobbies and interests, dating intention, and if they're religious or not.
Dr. K got heated about this one, and I’m glad he did. This whole new world dating system is horse shit.
Lol he did. But....who out there is talking to 100 people?!
Wasn't great before either
@@arramon6096 I disagree. It forced us to be proactive and learn about ourselves. It was hard, and uncomfortable, but I'm glad I had to do it.
As someone who grew up in a village, I can tell you that horse shit is the best shit :D
Anyone looking for a fertilizer is asking for a horse shit first :)
But I agree, this new dating culture is unhealthy.
@@Hexanitrobenzene well played. Well played indeed.
Dating apps are for validation and for casual sex. Don’t get your expectations high, they make money off of insecurity, sadness, and actively make an effort to keep you from matching.
I’ve been in and know many people who are in relationships from them. They used to be about casual sex but not so much these days, they’re the main way people meet partners in the U.K.
Not really, most women don’t use tinder
You're spot on with this. I had this crush on a girl who ran in the same circles as me for a few years, but had only actually talked to her once. Then, out of nowhere, we matched on Tinder, and found out we were like a perfect match. Engaged in 6 months and eloped just under a year after we got together. I'd always said that the most success I'd found on dating apps was with connecting with people I already knew with a subtext attached, and I wholeheartedly still stand by that.
That's pretty funny
@@Isaac-eh6uu Yeaaa, almost seems like a fake fairytale story.
@@ScienceDiscoverer I've matched with somebody I knew before. We made a date but she had gotten too fat for me to find attractive so I ghosted 😂 🤷 whatcha gonna do? I aint gonna tell her shes too fat.
@@jm4236 This is the worst too. Like they showed no interest sometimes years before, but now they connect they had let themselves go and often times their behavior has changed too, completely different people.
Also why I no longer interact with people from my hometown outside my immediate family anymore
Congrats on being in the 1% of the users
This went from critiquing dating apps to Dr K. trying to convince his father to un-disown him
hahahaha
The amount of matches you get, also depends on where you live.
I end up seeing the same people on other dating apps. Everyone is recycling each other.
I had similiar experience. I once hooked up with a girl who was 24 at a time and still decently looking. After she ghosted and unmatched me, I kept seeing her profile popping over few years, ans she looked progressively uglier and heavier...sad
Aside from tinder I used BLK primarily (black tinder pretty much, owned by the same company that owns tinder). When I lived in Atlanta I used to get TONS of matches and some of them would result in something, a convo, a date, one night stand, SOMETHING. Once I moved to rural PA tho, it’s radio fucking silence on BOTH apps. So you’re right it definitely depends on where you are. I think this town is tired of seeing me on these apps lmao
It's only useful for bigger cities. I get like 1 match a day in my city which is small/medium sized and 2-4+ around LA
the whole thing about being happy with a 7/10 and having ppl tell u that u can do better... its like.... dude. im HAPPY with this person. my boyfriend deals with major depression and severe adhd but he is the most kind, loving, caring person in the world. he makes me laugh. he takes care of me, and i take care of him. but my mom keeps telling me i can do better -_- but what is better than someone who makes you happy??? and no we did not meet on a dating app!!! tried that. didnt work. was single and not in the dating pool for over a year. met him thru online gaming. we clicked amazingly well, and grew rly close over the course of a year, he asked me out, and now we've been together for 5. you just have to let things happen naturally. dont go looking for it in a dating app. just put yourself out there. be open to meeting new people and making new friends!!! when you find someone you click with, things will fall into place much more easily and it all feels very natural.
Pay them no mind. Unless the guy was abusive & they were trying to save you, it's truly none of their business if they're not dating them. One person's 10 may be another's 4.
i would only be weary of your mum telling you against dating him, because she would have the best for you in mind.
like if she’s saying you’re better looks wise then do not listen to her. but if her reservations are for another reason she would have your best interests at heart
If someone is saying you can do better because they aren't the best looking, I assume they aren't a 7/10. It is rude though for sure.
This!!! I have the same problem lol. My mom keep telling me that with my salary, I can find someone better (as in financial) than him. (his salary isn’t bad or anything, just less than me) But she didn’t see how much my mental health improved since dating him.
7/10? who can take rating systems seriously. all of that is so subjective. it's a ridiculous concept.
For me, dating apps made dating more casual and gave me a bit of a confidence boost. Not too much ofc. It made it easier for me to ask people on dates and i met great people on Tinder. This is anecdotal but I wanted to mention it because it helped me despite the stigma around it. The only thing is that you should not take it too seriously untill you have an actual date planned because there have been a lot of times where I've talked to people for a while and then they unmatched for some reason or just stopped sending messages back so getting too invested early on is not a good approach
Yeah apps helped me manage the anxiety of asking someone out/talking to women by exposure. They taught me the "rejection is no biggie, keep looking" attitude, and when I happened to find the right one, I had the ability to have an actual, authentic lighthearted conversation with no fear of rejection. She's been my gf one year and a hald now.
I had quite a few dates from dating apps. Maybe people without "luck" should work on their profiles and conversation skills.
@@stigi666 Yeah I was thinking the same.. Def get matches and likes so they should improve photo's or just look rich if all else fails lol Most just won't accept it and blame the apps
Damn, must be nice. They made me feel 1000% worse. What getting no matches or responses does to a mf
I agree !!!
After around 2 years of online dating, I found that you simply need to go on many more dates than you would if you asked someone up in real life for one simple reason:
If you ask someone out in real life you already know that you're actually into that person and that the chemistry is (likely) there - at least from your perspective. If they agree to go on a date with you, they obviously feel the same. This doesn't guarantee a successful date or a relationship, of course, but there's quite a decent chance there.
With online dating, you simply have no idea if there will be any chemistry between you two or not, no matter how much or how long you text - or about which topics. Romantic chemistry is something that's either there or isn't. Looking at profile pictures and texting gives you very few clues about that, aside from weeding out people you find very unattractive and/or especially annoying.
It's because on Tinder algorithm is made to make females think there is someone better every time
I was looking for these words and you said it perfectly.
100% agree. Which is why I think if you do use dating apps ask to meet them as soon as you think you may like them to see if that chemistry is there. Don't waist any time 😊
I found having a phonecall before a date helps massively to work out if there's potential there or not. If I don't like a man's voice then I know I won't find him attractive. It also helps to rule out arrogant, rude, disrespectful people who interrupt and talk over you or find out if you have nothing to talk about and can't seem to have a decent chat with them. Plus it saves a lot of time and energy not having to physically meet everyone. Then if you both enjoy the phonecall you can meet in person.
One thing I will add is a lot of advice out there says if you don't feel instant chemistry don't rule them out go on a few more dates and see if it's a slow burner type thing
I used tinder for 1-2 years (as a lesbian). This was my experience.
I used it as a way to hook up and get over my ex and remind myself there's other girls out there. Also, as a thrill and confidence booster to meet strangers and go on dates and get myself out there. Though idk how much more confident i felt afterwards. i actually felt afterward most of the time. In a way it was exciting to go to someone's house I've never met before and hook up like a thrill chase. Made me feel like "i have game" and boosted my ego in that way. But most of my interactions and hookups were awkward unless there was alcohol involved.
A way it affected how i view dated and changed my behavior i didn't expect was the casual talking to/borderline dating multiple girls at once. This created a fragmentation in my mind. While i was too scared to have a real relationship again, this weird codependent person hopping behavior became my new normal and it was a normal part of the tinder culture. It was a substitute for the loneliness I'd feel if i wasn't seeing anybody.
Another thing that occured with my use of it was a casual attitude about sex and my body. When what i really craved was the soul connection and closeness i felt when i had sex in my prior relationship.
I ended up getting banned for some reason (it's common for people to get randomly banned on tinder) but I'm glad it did cuz it wasn't healthy for me.
As far as the female-male ratio, even when setting my gender preference to female, i still would get male profiles sometimes. There were also MANY profiles of straight couples 'looking for a third'. There were also a good amount of females in the "just moved here and looking for friends" category. Or "bi curious". When i did find single lesbians, lots of them were depressed, have anxiety or other mental health issues, and/or had no hobbies. I'd swipe no if i saw that in their profile.
It's a place where many desperate people go (I'm not excluded here) and in most cases isn't a place that fosters healthy relationships. (As has been stated, they don't make money if you find the one only if you keep looking). So, it affects your mindset of people too. Instead of letting something natural occur, you're thinking, "but is there someone better?" And you get a "the grass is greener" syndrome if you do find someone you potentially want to date
Thanks for sharing ❤️
I was waiting for your story to take a positive turn. Did you not find anyone outside of Tinder?
@@tme98 still working on my relationship with relationships. there will be :)
We're a traumatized demographic. It gets worse the more deep in the South you get. Just curious, how do you know if someone has no hobbies?
@@MichelleHell i would make an assumption based off their profiles saying "like to Netflix n chill, get high, and eat food."
I met my wife on Tinder, dating but looking for something serious. The level at which I knew her, talking for a week before we ever went out, was incredible. Honestly, that part of the relationship was totally unique and it felt like we were given a runway to success.
so she is one of the "I want to settle now" girls?
@@PimpofChaos let the man have his W
@@PimpofChaos so you're one of those 'I only want to find one person and love them for the rest of my life and if that doesn't happen I prefer to be alone' kind of person?
@@PimpofChaos why.
@@PimpofChaos talk about a woman hater lmao
I swiped left on my current partner on multiple dating apps, but by pure chance ended up meeting them online somewhere else, then in-person, and we developed feelings for each other. Their profile on the app gave me a very shallow representation of them and I initially rejected them for some truly inane assumptions I made. I lucked out because I truly have never felt more compatible with a partner.
@@blahblah2779 well that's awful presumptuous on your part considering you didn't even pick up on the fact that their partner is not a man and is nonbinary, with no indication of the poster's gender, or the sexuality of either of them, and you also ignored the "I truly have never felt more compatible with a partner" at the end
0/10 reading comprehension
@@SmokeyEdits You are correct. Coming up on a year soon!
@@Kirbychu1 congrats to the both of you!
@@blahblah2779 Can't imagine why a fun guy like you struggles with women
@@Queef_Storm makes sense why you can’t.
Your head is full of quief air
My last experience on Tinder was in 2016, but I never really had a hard time, even as a fairly unattractive, overweight guy. I feel like the best thing I did with my profile was to not try and oversell myself. I put my height, "karaoke enthusiast", and a little joke. I'd rather tell someone about myself in messages. I always started by asking about photos. If they have concert pics, what's your favorite concert you've been to? If they paint, who are the artists that inspire you the most? If they have a couple short responses, I stopped trying. If they're not willing to put in effort to talk, I know they're not what I'm looking for. And before exchanging numbers I'd always make it clear I wanted something slow that could lead to a relationship, not a hookup. I'd say 5% of my matches turned into dates. After maybe 7 months I ended up matching with my now-fiancee, and we're getting married on our 6th anniversary in January.
No clue if any of that's still relevant to Tinder now, but it helped some friends of mine.
Thanks for the advice. You seem like you have a high "EQ", right on
Congratulations on your marriage :)
That’s awesome! Congrats man on you’re marriage, hope you two have a long happy one!
i try to keep that same philosophy. If the responses aren’t indicating genuine interest after a few questions, then I leave them be. I don’t need someone trying to obsess over my interests or to be chasing me, I just need someone who is interested in building a connection.
2016 vs today is wildly different
I was doing the same. I started at having a discussion. He (my partner) was stating so good points outside of my viewpoint or beliefs, that I met with him. He listened, he was nice and he chew quietly (yes, that was important for me).
I didn't even looked at this point on photos, just seeing if there is a description different that "snap, insta:".
I thought about it for a few minutes and realized that it’s very easy to track all the necessary data to know which users are serious and which aren’t and how to mix them in a way that gives the illusion of the app working while actually making it harder to find a serious relationship. The best part is that it isn’t perfect, few real couples will manage to form in spite of it, and they will vouch for the app saying it worked for them.
Wow, great comment, i agree
You should think about it some more. There are too many variables at play. One is how do you determine what a serious or non-serious user is? I’m assuming a serious person is someone who is intending to find a meaningful relationship and not have to use it anymore? Help me understand. There are so many ways a person could be using an app and so many reasons why it may or may not be working for them. Help me understand your logic.
@@AlexiaHammond-rw7qq I can elaborate a bit, though I want to clarify I believe it's possible, but I'm not saying it's actually happening.
Many applications track where every user clicks, and how long they "stare" at a particular screen. This makes it easy to know which functions are used the most, but could also be used to profile each user e.g. "Gets a lot of matches but doesn't message" therefore it's someone not interested in dating, or "Always messages and stops scrolling whenever they get match" therefore it might be a serious user taking each match seriously.
Then you can set your algorithm to match users in a way that ensures both engagement AND retention. But we would never know unless we could look into the app's code.
And my point would be that it's impossible to know if helping the user is truly the app's best strategy for revenue, therefore we should be skeptical if we are considering putting our money in them.
you thinking they have the algorithm on love is INSANE. No coder knows how love works. Even the professionals don’t
@@princeswagger1able They have full access to every single data point. Your messages, your swipe statistics, the makeup ethnicity of who you match and the keywords / length of messages you send. It is ABSOLUTELY possible to categorize people from a generalization formed from data, especially given how many users they have to pull this data from. They can also probably see stats about what type of people come back to the app often
Even if you're relatively successful gaining matches and meeting up, the results are poor if you wanna develop a connection.
I used tinder for 2020/21 and had dozens of dates and positive experiences that resulted in several relationships of a few months but eventually fizzled out.
My current gf and I met naturally within our social circles and it is much stronger of a connection and we've together for a year now.
cool. but if you don't have a social circle you won't have the ability to meet anyone at all, unless you start approaching strangers which is worse than tinder because they might not be into you. so tinder is useful in that scenario
Yes. Natural relationships are better because these arent a straight-up conversation and testing ourselves in the first place. Tinder users take a higher risk because of uncomfortable/unnatural meetings what bring to false perception of a person.
@@isabella7p then instead of trying to date people to feel complete etc, you could try to get into new circles, join clubs, gym classes, art sessions, there are so many things people could try before tinder etc.
@@qasidfarooqi9821 do people really do that stuff?
@@justin-md4xm if you aren't a 11/10 you kinda have to🤷♂️
As a gay man, dating apps have one particular advantage and that is showing me only gay or bi men. Compare this to getting to know men in real life. they are usually not into men and the chance of finding someone in non-queer spaces is really low. So in cases of sexual orientation the filter by dating apps actually makes a lot of sense.
I used dating apps for 2 years until I met my husband.
Tinder was based on Grindr. It makes perfect sense for dating apps to work incredibly well for gay men. But transpose it to a heterosexual environment and it really is a different ballgame (no pun intended).......
Part of the problem these days is that if you talk to people in public, they tend to treat you like some kind of predator. Everyone is so isolated, and the only means left to find people to interact with are being run by companies who have a blatant conflict of interest in that finding you a partner means they lose you as a customer, but keeping you strung along indefinitely means that they can make you feel increasingly desperate and more willing to give them money. The dating app industry is the only one I can think of where the longer they fail to give their customers what they paid for and were promised, the more money those customers are likely to pay out.
Dating apps and also casinos :D though I can't come up with a third one either.
An other reason why capitalism is bad
@@Icemanfreezer7 videogame industry is also headed there
Meetup and other group hobby organizations are probably better as dating apps. I heard a very good recommendation from some people who have moved to a new area where they don't know anyone. The recommendation is to move into social circles you want to meet a partner in. Example: If you have a cosplay hobby and would like to share that with a partner, hang out with cosplaying groups and inside the cosplay social circles. Caveat; it has to be a hobby/activity you actually want to share with a partner. If you date someone you feel too competitive with that might not be very healthy in a relationship.
Omg VOUCH!!! MeetUp is sooooo good!!! You literally either make life long friends or find a partner that so compatible because you’re already engaging in an activity you’re both interested in. My social circle increased 10 fold going to different activities. And there’s no algorithms. I used it when I moved to a new city and never was lonely, you literally find your tribe on that app. It’s an activity/hobby app, not a dating app, but it organically happened that I ended up dating a few guys on there. I didn’t go in looking for love, it just is way easier to click with people. I always go on meetup tours too when visiting another city (not for dating though). I have made lifelong friends on meetup, I can’t recommend this app enough and going to activities and tours!!
Exactly. People in those groups already share a common interest, even common passion, world views, life style...etc.
Even if you're not attracted to anyone or a prospect fizzles out very quickly, now you have some platonic friends who share a hobby with you.
@@fruitygarlic3601 yeah meetup is the best way to make new friends a an adult and i love it
Just showing up looking to make friends and keeping intentions/expectations low can be a great way to just expand your social circle.
I've long been out of the dating game, thankfully, but my one piece of insight is this. If you're getting women consistently telling you that they're "not ready", that's a lie they're telling you so they don't have to tell you the real reason why they didn't like you. I've been told that plenty of times in the past, only to see them starting a relationship with someone else just a week or two later.
That’s not women, that’s everybody. You’re allowed to use that excuse too believe it or not
Men tend to say that a lot too, trying to sleep with women they don’t like
@@amnbvcxz8650 lmao read the comment above you. Both genders do it but somehow men are blamed for "using women for sex" gtfo
I’m actually a matchmaker and even for us it’s super challenging. Everyone focuses on what researcher Samantha Joel calls the “irrelevant 8” which are things that do not indicate long term relationship success: height, religion, physical attractiveness, etc.
I love what I do but modern dating culture has really destroyed the way people approach dating and relationships.
Destroyed how so? Just curious your opinion on what has changed.
If I had to assume, this is the cause of having so many options, where there is fine control on every aspect of a potential match. "Oh they have everything but X, next" because most people assume there is just something better waiting for them on the next swipe. Nobody wants to invest or waste time so everyone on these apps are superficial and find tiny issues to be a reason for rejection.
Does not help it is NOT a 50/50 split on the sexes on these apps that are also looking for the opposite gender either. Women get swamped with messages, men get nothing. Nobody is happy.
I started using a dating app kinda recently, though it's more just for myself. Like a: "I'm doing something to meet girls, so I can focus on doing other things and not feel like I'm doing nothing." I don't really expect anything to come of it, and honestly the rejection is gonna be better for me in the long run (I'm pretty afraid of rejection), so I feel this is a healthy way to use the app.
@@PeppoMusic Hmm, I think you give good advice here. It's always been a policy of mine in life to think reasonably, and I had always thought it was unreasonable to expect a dating site to be the cure to what ails me. But I suppose what you say is true: rejection cannot cross a burnt bridge, and in that way cannot truly reach me.
I'm not the best with this stuff, but I will do what I can with this information. Thanks for taking the time to reply and give your thoughts.
Like Dr K alluded to, apps can be a good baby step for someone with minimal dating experience to become more comfortable with conversation, flirting, and dealing with rejection. They're not the worst place to start but a terrible place to end; once you feel confident enough in chatting up a potential partner, you should probably progress to irl ways of meeting people.
@@saeedbaig4249 Genuine question: where does one meet their significant other irl? There doesn't seem to be places anymore where it's acceptable to ask people out. Can't do it in the gym, can't do it in the office, can't do it in school... so where else than online?
Oddly enough, I think of dating apps in the same way as language learning apps: They are fundamentally designed to keep you using the app for a prolonged period of time. Not necessarily to help with your goal.
I practiced for a year and still couldn't speakor understand Spanish outside the app 😅
Tbf they really don’t need to do that for language speaking apps-it already takes forever anyways
@@TumblinWeeds 100%, I agree. But! To me, this is why I don't like those apps. They are designed to give users the illusion of progress, and therefore keep them using the app instead of using actual learning materials or seeking out a teacher.
In my personal experience, I have tried to use apps to learn German, Italian, Swedish, Catalan and Japanese in the last 8 years. I'm not remotely competent in any of them, and I barely apply anything I've learned from using apps. By contrast, I have used books, guided reading, lessons and talking to native speakers to learn Polish and what a surprise to nobody, I'm able to go to Poland and get around with my elementary level language abilities after a year.
@@Nikelaos_Khristianos do you have any recommendations for language learning programs?
@@dcard228 Regardless of your level, I would say, find a one-to-one teacher who has a teaching style that works for you. And I don't mean a language-exchange partner, I mean a teacher who can proactively help you with your mistakes, give you confidence when speaking (as you'll get all the awkward stuff out in a safe space) and importantly help you build a routine and a plan around language learning. Making sure they are native also is such a bonus, because they can also make reading, viewing and music suggestions for you that can match your level.
I hope this helps!!
You're one of the few people I've actually seen who makes sense and has answers that are not only backed up by science but are actually relevant to answering people's big questions. You're inspiring and you've inspired me to find purpose instead of distractions. Thank you for your videos.
Ironically you've helped me get the push I needed to get off so much youtube watching and focus internally to find my purpose and get more in touch with knowing what I'm feeling, you're one of the few channels I'm actually going to actively keep following (Though I'll probably be following your podcasts more, yay for finding you do those too!). (And extensions to remove youtube distractions from my ADHD brain are very helpful here ;) ).
A past coworker who had a crush on me saw me on a dating app and... It was the single worst, most toxic relationship I've ever been in my life. They saw I was single through thr app and then obsessed over me, trief to make me "theirs", it was just flat out toxic.
I actually avoid using many dating apps now just so this toxic person doesn't see that I'm available again. The less they think about me, the better.
hi babe
Was it a guy or a girl?
@@Queef_Storm it was them
IMO, Tinder only works for people who can take good pictures and have an entertaining profile because that increases the number of matches. It can work without it but that's a variable that the "average" person may or may not experience.
"take good pictures and have an entertaining profile" both skills, everybody can work on.
Ok but did you watch the video
@@jonhadley5768 yeah
be good looking skillset
i ironically chose guys who had shit pictures because i also take shit pictures LOL i can relate with them over the fact that we both hate taking pictures
The weirdest stuff happened to me from Tinder dates but I started looking at it as a socialising app with no other expectations and I ended up getting a room mate out of it when I really needed one
The grandchild trap is so uncomfortably true it hurts, speaking from second hand experience. You could burn your parents' house down and they would still take you back if you brought a kid with you.
the mental cost is ridiculous tho. consistent feelings of rejection and the anxiety that comes from checking the phone to see if you have a reply/match.
Sound like you have self esteem issues / social anxiety to begin with. I don’t think everyone feels this way
@@spaceowl5957 "oh look I am a chad I don't have self-esteem issues like you mere mortals"
Hearing letters like this just makes me want to see what these people are like. There is definitely something about them they don't notice themselves and others are too polite to tell them.
The thing that always made me feel uneasy on apps trying them for during covid is how icky I felt judging woman's profiles based on so little information, when the only really thing that was non negotiable for me up front was not wanting kids. Everything else is such a broad range and nuanced to the point that I pretty quickly realized dating apps were not what they advertised themselves as.
They're hookup apps. Hookup is a sustainable business model. Data backs this up. Looks are the top factor in internet dating and other "cold approaches". With warm approaches like meeting through mutual friends, which used to be the main way people meant, looks matter less. When tinder users listed hooking up and validation (mostly for women as dating apps are depressing to most men) as their main reason to use it. Getting into long term relationships is low on the list, but much higher on the list for FORMER tinder users. Most users know it's a hookup app, and those who don't, soon figure it out.
Dating Sites have a vested interest in keeping you on them and maximizing engagement and subscription services, not getting you into a relationship or necessarily going on dates. There's a reason they now have live stream features, a billion different types of microtransactions, and the overall design of the app.
It's the nature of the current attention economy: engagement over health.
Exactly! A couple of the big ones got hacked a couple yrs back & outed for using fake female profiles/ bots to engage men & keep them on the site. If site engagement drops, so does stock & investor interest. If dating apps were successful, they'd lose all their money.
Basically, it's just dangling carrots & feeding on ppl's lonliness in the name of capitalism.
Lmao the conspiracy theory of Corporation being incompetent in general and but somehow having so much control over people that they influence their decisions. Sound like people being afraid of "witchcraft" in past.
I would be interested to hear a comparison of what you're saying here with online job postings. It seems to me that it is a related underlying phenomenon. The comparison to the sensory stimulation of gambling doesn't hit as well with online job postings (although LinkedIn, Indeed, etc. absolutely hammer you with notifications if you let them). But there being a low barrier to what we perceive as nonzero progress is absolutely there. And on the other end (the employer's end with jobs, and at least the straight cis woman's end with dating apps), you get this barrage of input that you either literally can't sift through, or that you do sift through but with an unreasonably fine filter.
Dating apps are like a really watered down warmup for real life dating, with the occasional date here and there but It’s more likely to get your hopes up than it is to help you out with finding a partner. Searching for love is a waste of time. Love yourselves and keep going in a positive direction and you’ll become something you love and with that others will love that new version of you.
Somebody should start an app that works the way traditional matchmakers did: by getting paid ONLY when a match led to marriage or engagement. Or at least, start an app with only token payment for regular use, and a bigger payment only for a “successful” match. Not sure how the company would find out when a couple made a commitment-because of course new couples would just “disappear” to avoid making the big payment.
But it’s an idea worth working on!
Maybe some religious group or other nonprofit could start an “online marriage bureau” type thing-mostly as a public service, but also to make a few “extra” bucks from the (very low-cost) monthly subscription fees.
Customers could be told (when joining) that a parting “donation” or “tip” upon finding a match and canceling their subscriptions “is customary”-with a range of suggested donation amounts.
And a few people would actually contribute when leaving! Not many; about the same % of users as the % who actually donate to “help cover the costs” of online media and other content they consume. (“Support my art-buy me a coffee!” “Sponsor this podcast!”)
A FEW who found matches would give substantially-out of “gratitude”, or to “pay it forward”.
Also, various cultural, hobby, and activity groups could each start their own matchmaking services for people with similar “common interests”.
Yes, I know all this has already been tried (again and again)-but has anybody tried combining traditional matchmaking’s “win-or-don’t-pay (a large amount)” policies with the fun modern technology used on dating apps?
I get matches fine too but the amount of folks actually willing to have proper conversation is significantly lower - and when i do find some that do - i gotta ask them out on the date cause all they really want is to have you go over to their house for the night which is a hard no for obvious reasons.
I met my husband on a dating app, but both of us wanted to genuinely get to know each other. So we talked for a month, then went on 5 or 6 dates over a few weeks after that (during this whole time we didn't see anyone else), and then we became official. But both people definitely have to be committed to finding something real. We didn't get the fuzzies or instantly clicked, but as we got to know each other, we came to like each other, then we fell in love. We are due to have our first child next month. 😊
The problem is most women on these dating apps are not like that. If you go on a date with a woman, most of the time she will only give you one chance to make a good impression. If, for whatever reason, she decides she doesn't like you, she will ghost you and never see you again. I've been using dating apps for years. And it's always the same thing. I'll go on a date with someone, and I'll feel like we're hitting it off. But then after the date I will send her a message letting her know I had a good time and that hopefully we can hang out again. But I won't get a reply.
Your own lucky brat doesn't prove anything. And anyway, creating clones is not an achievement.
I have over 100+ matches on tinder and they often write me first. My problem is that whenever I engage in that conversation, they don't respond.. I'm left on read. I don't write anything more since I don't want to be annoying. The funny part is that most of them followed me on instagram and watches/likes my stories. It makes zero sense.
Gives them an ego boost. Most women aren't there to date. Everybody talks about how desperate men are, but women are desperate for free attention, food and money. Sex is just easy for them so they are not desperate for that, yet men painted as evil for being desperate.
The main problem I had while using Tinder was people not having enough helpful information in their profiles. I was trying to only have matches that I really wanted to chat with and I became more and more picky over time because I don't do half-a$$ed stuff and every conversation that turned out to be kinda meh drained my mental energy.
I still have an acquaintance that I met there, though. And I've heard that Tinder is great for travelling because people use it all over the world.
What conversation is 'kinda meh'. Would you kindly give some example?
I'm not the original commenter but my experience is that the people who resort to using online dating like Tinder are incredibly boring. They're 70% some variation of, "I love hiking/🍃 friendly/insert artist/getting black out drunk."
@@dickiewongtk "hi" "how are you" "im good" "insert generic question" "insert generic answer" repeat 2-5 times, get bored, stop texting.
part of the problem
@@MidnightEkaki isnt that how conversations start tho?????
Unfortunately, a decent amount of people just have to use dating apps. Sober people, where the most societally accepted place to flirt is a bar. LGBT+ people, where the dating pool is so limited you need to be online, especially if you aren't interested in gay bars. There are also plenty of other minorities (religion, weight, culture, race, disability, etc) / people that are looking for specific things that you can't find easily in public (like acceptance of X difference).
I would love to just meet someone naturally, but it's just not feasible. So we're relegated to the platforms where we actually have a chance to meet someone. At least we have that chance, but it's unfortunate to be locked-in to these apps :/
*looks at my church's brethen getting married left and right when sometimes they don't even have social media*
What are you talking about?
Omgggg the lgbtqia+ dating pool is tiny 😩 and the town I live in is small enough :|
Gay dudes meet in like parks
A lot of people just meet their partner at work/university. Or at a hobby - which in my opinion is the best way because you have something in common from the start.
I don't know, buddy, sounds like you're just making excuses to not get out.
When soomeone has a million excuses/reasons to not do something every one else does, it's a safe bet that, barring a medical condition, they just don't want to do it
I met my husband on Tinder when I was in college and he was a working adult in another city. Totally thought he looked cocky and matched so I could have a funny story to tell my friends. Turns out he’s incredibly intelligent, funny, and self-assured without being a jerk to others. Ironically, when we met he was kind of over dating and Tinder. I knew pretty early on this wasn’t your average relationship. It’s funny how life works sometimes.
I met my husband on Tinder too! Found out we went to the same high school but one year apart. We were both over dating as well and wanted something more serious. We have similar hobbies and he had great communication skills. My past boyfriends, there were topics I never talked about but he wasn't afraid of talking about the future, finances and goals in life early on.
Tinder is easy for females the ratio is mostly men and you basically have a endless picking of mem
Hey! I met my wife on tinder!
Yet I don't recommend it. Like your husband i was almost done with the app before meeting her.
I kind of talked to her like a jerk before meeting due to not caring anymore.
On her side, she actually swiped right by accident and agreed to dinner just to meet that sort of jerk (me) to shut him up
In other words, we were a fluke and the app is just not meant for that
Sounds about made up
@@heidiallen824also sounds made up
Great analysis. As a straight woman, I have found dating apps to have utility for getting dates with single men looking for a relationship. Working in female dominated workplaces and not being the kind of woman who enjoys sports, card games, or other places men hang out, I didn't see a lot of other options. But you're right that there's no reason to think the sites are doing some kind of genius matching process.
I'm personally giving up on dating apps because there's zero payoff in my case. I have to spend about 15-20h swiping profiles to get a single match and none of them have answered my intro message so far. I hated every minute of the process and got absolutely nothing in return. I don't know why I get so very few hits online but could be able to do it in real life if I were to have social skills. All of my female friends/colleagues tell me that I'm cute (6-7) and that I could totally get a girl if I tried, I quite often get smiles from attractive girls I don't know on the street, at the grocery store, etc. some even try to start a conversation with me sometimes. The problem is that I'm autistic and don't know how to start or hold a conversation with someone unless I'm already intimate/good friends with them, so if a stranger talks to me, chances are that I'll answer evasively with my eyes glued to the floor and then find any reason to run away in embarrassment.
Internet used to be the way for me to socialize 10-15 years ago but now it seems that the whole thing has been gamified and that I suck terribly at this game too. It's become to the point where I want to die, I don't understand how to make friends anymore and my loneliness is too heavy to bear, nothing is actually fun anymore because I have no one to share the fun with. Life is supposed to be more than this but I somehow can't connect with anyone anymore. I hate the post-social-media world so much, it has ruined almost everything and everyone.
Dating apps change your mind into thinking you'll find the 'one', when in reality, you're just having an addiction towards 'the grass is greener' syndrome. It's a bad addiction.
When 'evil Dr.K' shows up with some advice, he tends to say something along the lines of 'This is like standard practice for asians'; and I have no reason to doubt him; but my heritage is European Italian and I can tell you that its like 100% needed survival special weapons and tactics for my extended family as well. This leads me to conclude that the limit is not along cultural lines, its highly applicable to any/every family dynamic that is entrenched in passive-aggression.
what?
@@deeznuts3472How did that comment even get 45 likes what is going on?! 🤣
@@Crabbadabba I think we lack some context. It happens sometimes when you think about something, write it down but after observing what you wrote later you can see that you missed some stuff that was in your head but you forgot to write or just assumed that everyone knows about it for whatever possible reason
@@Crabbadabba most random shit ong
@@UshankaMaster Well this isn't a journal entry but I get your point.
Again Dr. K is only focused on tinder. Tinder may not care if you met up with your match, but there are apps that ask if you met up with the person you were chatting with. Maybe he is focused on tinder type apps because they are the most popular. There are much better apps for looking to meet new interesting people.
Near the end he says the truth. The apps "help people meet who wouldn’t have met up otherwise". Thats the point of the apps. To meet up. It may eventually lead to a relationship or may not. But the goal is to meet up. If you think of apps as anything else you will have a bad time.
Couldn't agree more, I made a long comment about this but it was deleted, maybe because i mentioned the apps in question. I met my first GF by MESSAGING her something funny first, doubt she'd have "matched" with me on Tinder otherwise
Im not even at 3 minutes yet and all i can say is that “men have it rough” like dating should not be this difficult for anyone and its sad our society is like this.
Correction. Men who are NOT at least a 7 or above in looks have it rough on tinder. You can look up tinder social experiments on youtube where profiles are created using male model pictures and some questionable profiles (listing being a felon, child predator etc) and women literally throw themselves at these profiles without any regard for their safety.
@@Chokizard Yup where meeting an unattractive man in a public place for coffee the woman automatically think she will get murdered in broad daylight with lots of people around.
Am not even mad at it all just waiting for the world to be reset already😪
Right. I thought dating was supposed to be fun?
@@Chokizard the silence is deafening
Over the last years, I turned myself into an attractive guy. I can get lots of matches on dating apps, in part because I'm upfront about wanting a relationship. When I put effort into it, I can get 3-5 dates per week... But no relationship.
I blame the apps. Women are maximizers. As long as they keep matching (hypothetically) better men, they will not settle for me. Even though these men will give her nothing, whereas I am actually available.
Wow. What a video. For the past 6+ years I've been on and off apps- I started in college because I had no dating experience from high school and it took the guesswork out of approaches (tinder was MUCH less monetized in 2016 as well). Now I'm getting into my late 20s, it's become a crutch and it's hard to stay off them for very long. Between working in 3 different regions of the United States post college and covid, I struggled to build the irl networks you need to date, so I inevitably end up downloading again, thinking this time I'll "win". When he starts to talk at 13:20 why people use dating apps, it hit completely accurate for me. I haven't swiped since July and believe I'm at a point in my career where I'll be settled in one city, so I'm trying to just let things develop organically, but I gotta admit, when you meet someone in real life, build that rapport, but still don't get to a third date, it's hard to not just say screw it and start swiping from the toilet again. I can lay off liquor, I don't have a smoking problem, but those dating apps function exactly like an addiction for me.
I've thought for a while now, that one other negative aspect of apps like Tinder or Bumble is the level of investment involved. Being able to download an app and just import your social media means you're not even really trying to get a date, and I think that lack of investment is what makes people on the app seem much more flakey. Yet on the flip side, people think you "must" use online dating to find someone, so "everyone" is on it, so you get a lot of flakey people who aren't really invested in the interaction, or the desire to date at all. Perhaps apps as they're designed by corporations out to make money - to be addictive, time consuming and take your money - are the absolute worst way to meet people. Who knows.
As a general society if we didn't rely so much on dating apps I think it would be better. But as an individual I guess it just depends what you have more success with.
@@harleykf1 I think as an avenue for potential prospects they're fine. The issue is in today's atomized society, people rely on apps and other "buffers" against more straightforward human interaction that carry a more firm rejection risk. If dating apps were not seen as a be all and end all for meeting others they'd be fine. But many people treat them as the only way to meet a partner. That's a problem.
For a 33 yo male I'm a dinosaur, I personally hate dating apps and I enjoy approaching women in real life and potentially getting rejected but I like taking my shot.
good analogy
Where else an adult person is supposed to meet other single people interested in dating?
Slot machines only make a sound when you win - making it seem like winning is far more common than loosing- same with dating app “ITS A MATCH!!!🎉🎉🎉”
Man, I only clicked on your vids out of curiosity to see what you have to say and have something to listen to while cooking and I have to say you have genuinely good advice!
I love this! I was a victim of the online dating thing for a long time before I exited that game. Great stuff here! I’m never going back to a dating service. If I want love I’ll find it in real life. And if I don’t that’s ok too. It is what it is. Love the video!
I found I had the most matches when I left my profile as vague as possible. Ultimately it results in not going anywhere with anyone the moment you explain to them more about yourself and what you want, especially if you're me. The more traditional you are the more options you will have that are likely to go further.
In fairness to dating apps, they do give a fast track to finding potential good matches based on shared interests/values and desires provided that the person has given this info on their profile. For me I'd say I'd be lucky if even 1% of women I see on the varies platforms I use are compatible. Some platforms are better than others for filtering. Tinder has no filters which is part of how they suck you in with the 'what if', and we know that's a key driver of dopamine. Compare that to better filtering platforms where I can go weeks between even seeing someone I would see as a potential match. I still see this as preferred to having to put in the effort of having to approach women IRL and have to invest so much time in them only to find that we're not compatible on issues I can see labelled within seconds of reading their profile.
To summarise, the more alternative in what you are looking for, the less likely you are to find quality. If you compromise then you'll have more 'matches' but they very likely will end up fizzling into nothing, and honestly, the sooner the better for that as you definitely don't want to be committing to someone based on compromising on what you want.
i feel like you can't meet people without apps anymore, everyone is a;ways wearing earphones, listening to music, looking at their phone when they are in public (me included). everyone is in their own world, less open to the physical one
The paradox of choice basically. More options (which are not real options in most cases) confuses people making them not knowing what the hell to choose. Barry Scwhartz made a interesting Ted talk about this.
I've been meeting a lot more people and making a lot of connections, but they've been at in person events. Finding groups and communities with members of your desired sex is still king in my opinion. Yes social environments can be hard, but I feel like your chances are better. Make the effort because the bar is low.
I think so too, but where do I find them?
For me, the premise of dating apps is that they allow me to find single women to approach, because I never would approach them otherwise as a shy introvert who barely ever leaves his home for anything other than work, grocery shopping or occasional walks. The problem, of course, is the intimidating white wall that is the chat screen before sending the first message...
I like that you mention that there is an assumption that people know what they want. In reality, people don't know what their soul/ higher self wants, people on dating apps are operating from ego and subconscious programming. We are operating primarily from subconscious programming rather than conscious awareness and intention. So, focus on being self-aware and learn to socialize in general and it is possible to use your vibration to meet compatible people.
Here's the thing. Dating apps are like browsing through a catalog. You will only stop to read through the "product" details if you find it visually appealing in the first place. The harsh truth is that people will only give a f*ck about about your info if you're attractive enough for them. At the end of the day it all comes down to looks.
Your chances are best when you are both nearly equally attractive. You have no control over what others find attractive, that's none of your business, don't waste your time with that. Shift your focus on what you find attractive. Do you find yourself attractive? Do you find people that are as attractive as you are attractive?
I've never had a huge focus on how good looking someone is to find them attractive, but I would not want to date someone who has such a hard fixation on looks, that's exhausting.
Dating was never easy. People mostly end and ended up in dysfunctional relationships. Personally, I'd rather be alone than in the kind of relationship most people have, like in the kind of relationship my mom had with my stepdad where they were constantly fighting every day. She met him in person, not a dating app. It's not just about finding a relationship but a high quality one. So maybe we are better off alone than what we might have otherwise ended up in.. lol
very true
Better an empty bed than a poorly filled one!
It was never easy, but now its damn near impossible for average men; let alone men with any meaningful flaws like a disability.
Women who actually pull their head out will always do just fine.
You would have much easier time coping with an non-ideal husband than with loneliness.
to the point about "emotional manipulation" it really depends on where the individual is at in terms of their own healing and processing. if someone is ready to extend the olive branch and start including their parents in their life again, that person understands that saying "my kid is really good at math, do you think you can help them?" can feel vastly more safe to approach than if one forces the parents to say sorry. often times, they may even understand on an instinctual level that this is their way of saying sorry rather than needing to say it in as many words.
this is only one of many approaches, but this technique (in my unprofessional opinion) says "i understand how you are, how you work, and this can work"
It’s great that you’re shining light on this huge societal issue. It ruins a lot in modern relationships and exacerbates societal alienation. Great work, thank you for spreading change. And for anyone reading this, there’s nothing better for mental health than joining social circles and having your supportive community in the real world, and if you have social circle(s), you’d find it easier to have deeper connections with people who *actually* care about you and value you. Don’t let dating apps destroy your confidence. They’re NOT an indication that you’re destined to end up alone.
How does one join social circles when they have none? I'm genuinely curious
I was with my ex all throughout undergrad so I missed out on a really opportunistic dating experience. We broke up in 2019 and I started dating again in 2020 and all I’ve known are the dating apps. It really sucks.
dating in undergrad is super different than dating elsewhere in life though. you can slowly get to know someone overtime and have shared experiences with them that help you connect with that person. That is a wonderful way of meeting and getting to know someone and just isn't something that can happen on a dating app unless you go on like 4 or 5 different dates with a person.
man this hits home, i was with my ex during highschool and college, the relationship ended just a short time before i graduated. All the opportunities i had to during this time i had to pass on cuz i was in a relationship. When she found some random dude and fell for him she pretty much dumped me. No all people do this, but if i had to give someone one advice is too keep doors open, dont cheat but keep doors open, go out and make friends and socialize. Don't give up on lots of these just for your partner, is nice to be there for them but dont ruin urself in the process
@@cosminmocanu5254 i don’t understand people like you and OP. Why would you regret the time spent with someone who made you happy at the time? If you want to be a hoe, that’s fine. but idk why that invalidates the relationship you had
I was hard focused on academics all the way through 2nd semester of senior year in college. It was then I realized I messed up and had to basically go with online dating from the start. I'm 26 and still working on getting into my first relationship, but I've come a long way and pretty confident I'll find the one sometime this year.
@@cosminmocanu5254 Same thing happened to me, got with my ex in 8th grade, now im a senior and she broke up with me to get with another dude a bit over a month ago. I basically gave up most of my social circle so I could concentrate on her and my schoolwork and now I'm left trying to salvage what relationships I still have left
I feel a big thing to factor in is that that more matches is more engagement. More engagement is better for the company's bottom line.
Also what is the point of users finding love in a week - tinder gold ain't going to buy itself
If I get to many matches i delete the app because it makes me overwhelmed. I know that might be seen as better than no matches but I don’t want to have 10 useless conversations with people who just say yes to any woman on the app
@@taylor4800 How the f do you get so many matches? You can always stop right swiping pepole you know? Stop blaming companies for your incompetencies.
I’m all about a FaceTime chat before deciding if we really want to go on a full on date.
Totally worked for me when dating in the LA area where lots of matches happen.
Keep it under 30mins & you WILL have a much better idea if y’all are even a possible match.
@@leonl4752 😹
I never thought about this correlation thing with what you measure and all that, that's very interesting and makes a lot of sense, thanks for your explanation Dr. K.
What is the alternative to dating apps though? Nowadays its weird to talk to random people on the street/supermarket/library. Clubs and bars are questionable due to intoxication. And trying to flirt with people at work can make things awkward for a long time. It seems like were lacking a repeated social environment where people can get to know who you are without even talking to you (like renown, overhearing jokes/conversations or being introduced by friends to other new people)
Street may be a bit difficult but you shouldn’t dissuade yourself from trying elsewhere because of some perceived notion that it’s “weird”. Some experiences will be weird, that’s learning & life. As long as you know not to overbear and give people easy outs, then you’re not doing anything wrong. “Clubs and bars are questionable due to intoxication”. Same thing. Obviously more sensitive but just apply that sensitivity. I’m a 25 year old guy who has been rejected by a crap-load of pretty / fun looking girls on tinder but succeeded with better looking / funner looking girls irl. I ask girls out in libraries / coffee shops / bars / clubs etc. it took me years and 100s of internal “fuck it yolo”‘s to get here but it’s been worth it. Dating apps bring out the worst in people. Asking out or speaking to someone in real life who you don’t know brings out the best in people.
The rejection may sting more but the success feels far more rewarding. dating apps just dull the whole experience from top-to-toe. I personally don’t mind a rejection, I’m often just pleased with myself that I tried rather than just letting another one float by whilst I think “damn, I wish I could say something to her”.
@@Dimitris_Balf just go outside bro,5 feet 2 is fine bro
@@Dimitris_Balf people like you have no understanding of other people's struggle is disgusting
I met my girl on tinder, neither of us use it anymore. For me it just seemed like a good way to get exposure to people I didn't yet know, I was right. Now I can't read the future but I'm hoping I spend the rest of my life with this lady cuz she's a lovely person.
Sounds about made up
@@nonamewillbegiven1217 why? Technically it has 50% chance of being fake, and 50% chance of being real. If you feel otherwise it's a reflection on your own biases
@@bucherregaldomi9084 homie shut the hell up
@@nonamewillbegiven1217why? That was the most mundane story ever. “I met someone of the opposite gender on a dating site and we dated.” Truly unbelievable stuff
@@DogeCoinInvestor then you're an 1diot
Tinder is an absolute waste of time. Iv had compliments and everything then sudden ghosting out of nowhere. Rarely get matches but when I do they dont last long. Im still on Tinder but not so bothered about it anymore I dont go on swiping.
Oh gosh i needed to hear this, thank you so much Dr.K
Tinder hinge and okc back in the day were GREAT for me. Very few matches, but I'm picky and super honest, so the ones I got were stellar. And if you don't get out over your skis and think it HAS to lead somewhere, not getting second/third dates ort dates after a hookup isn't devastating. It's just a process yiu can have fun with and use to develop skills to date EVERYWHERE!
I wish we could talk about other ways that adults are expected to find people besides dating apps. I feel like they’re the only option now. As a woman I don’t feel safe going to bars/ clubs looking for men because I know that I’m putting my safety at risk and most of those guys are just looking to hookup. But as an adult, there are no social situations where you look for a partner besides drinking/partying. It feels like dating apps are my only choice even though I hate them
As a man in his 30s, I realized that the best way to find a person that is right for you is exactly not to go out at all, but instead to follow interest groups, like the literature club or some courses or schools (I study music-making and sound-engineering on my own, but I want to join a course soon, also to meet like-minded individuals).
Stopped going to parties in my early 20s, they're just full of depressed narcissists and desperate lonely schmucks searching for a hug after a quickie in the back of the building. Search for something that YOU like and makes YOU happy.
I am very glad I found your channel - keep up the good work you are making a difference (which I'm sure you already know)
Thank you!
Thank you for this video. I'm almost 58, widow for two years a and a half. I started thinking about using dating apps. I confess I feel like being an object to display... very disgusting. This video is very helpful to me. Thanks from Argentina
The blurry background always makes me feel kind of weird. Like it's weirdly intimate and artificial that I can only see the person on screen and everything else is blurry. In a normal conversation I'd be able to look around the room, and it always throws me off when I have zoom calls with people that do the blurry background.
the title fills me up with joy
Tinder seems like a massive kick in the balls for most men and a massive ego boost for most women.
Tinder or western society?
@@more8662 Both
I met my current bf of 11 months on Tinder and it has been great. If you're gay, stuff in person is considerably more difficult, given that most gay groups are too focused on superficial sexual aspects (nothing wrong with that, but it's not what you usually want for a relationship.
Before him I went on some of them and most of them could have resulted on something if I wanted to, but they weren't my type. You need to understand that, at the end of the day, you need one person. Interact with people as people, not as statistics.
Thanks for the advice c:
"you need one person" - this is really true, and it helped me get through rejections. Only need to meet one good one.
You're absolutely right about being gay making in person meeting harder. Im a woman and finding other lesbians is extremely hard especially if you live in a small town/conservative area. :^/ what's the solution? Show up to a club? No one's trying to date you at the club, it's all hookups and shit.
The tinder matches I've wanted to date, have sometimes dated me.The girls I've tried to escape from, have chased me. The girls I've chased, have tried to escape from me. The girls I've wanted to match with, I have not matched with. The girls I've really not wanted to match with, I have matched with.
It's a cruel world.
@DREMORA GAMING Same here. I mean I look decent on an average day but some of the requirements and delusions the majority of the girls on dating sites have are ridiculous. Grabbed a beer with a chick friend years ago and she had over nine thousand likes. It takes me months to scrape together 50. So yeah, of course they're spoiled rotten
They say if you're attracted to a woman that means she's out of your League
If you really didn’t want to match why did you like them at all
Really interesting, but my current girlfriend and I met off tinder about a few years back. We didn’t get together until recently. So, yes, Dr. K is right, but we went on many dates back then and remained relatively good friends until the last year where we began to see each other much more often. We’ve been together maybe a month or two now and I’m hoping to meet her family soon. I think, I have to thank tinder. Neither of us knew what we were doing on the app and she often says she got “lucky” because her friends swiped everyone the night that she got on it. She ended up connecting with me and the rest is history. Though, we were both first time users of the app and the next two years for me were the toxic tinder hookups everyone hears about. An awful couple years in terms of relationships. I was away from home and on the move constantly so it was easiest, but man it sucked.
No one cares you liar
I would download, uninstall, re-download and repeat with dating apps all the time. Not only does it become a massive waste of time, your self-perception and worth worsens. After a couple of bad experiences I finally decided to be firm with myself and never install them again and it's been the best decision of my life. I feel more of a need to go out and socialise with people because it's the only way I can meet new people. It feels so much more genuine and rewarding this way, plus I feel really proud of myself for making so many new connections! It takes a lot of time to meet new people, it's taken me about a year since I broke up with my ex. I remember feeling so lonely a year ago, breakups are hard because so many connections become cut off and it leaves you feeling pretty isolated. So to anyone feeling this way, fuck dating apps and give yourself a good chance to meet new people. Yes, even if you're a little awkward like myself. It will take time but you will feel so much better in the long run.
The way you calmly made that response to parents who judge their kids partners made me crack up, even though it’s literally the most appropriate way to form that response
The apps are there to gamify human loneliness. Their chief concern is continual engagement. They literally push people to keep swiping the infinite potential pool. The worst thing for them is you finding a relationship and deleting the app.
I am 44 years old. I make 120k a year from my job, have a business on the side, and i am starting a non-profit to help homeless people. I am 6 ft tall. I go to church, and i play drums. I have been on 3-4 dates my whole life. Always just ignored and when i put myself out there women have just treated me like garbage.
Society deserves Gods wrath that is surely to be poured upon the land.
It's probably your face that's the issue.
A FACE FOR RADIO @@OccidentalAryan
Always very insightful....thank you!
I've found that more information gets more matches and sometimes can lead to conversations. The issue I've had is that when I have met someone in person, they judge me way too much on my profile and how I want to display myself, and treat it like a checklist instead of getting to know me, and I may say something about myself which may not be how I'm interpreted to everyone else. I just don't see the point in dating apps.
Dating apps are definitely a hit or miss. I've had a couple of friends who I think (bias aside) would succeed well in the dating field but can't even hold a conversation on apps like Tinder. I tried Taimi (which if you are anyone identifying under the wlw umbrella, do not try Taimi you will perpetually get men) with no luck, then I tried Tinder with a sort of "who knows" attitude and now I'm in a committed and long term relationship with my best friend.
Love is built and an investment, the people who are really interested will reflect that energy but if they don't they are not worth your time.
Dude, I'm pretty sure that getting zero matches on Tinder (which is what the OP was actually saying) correlates pretty strongly with not getting a successful relationship out of Tinder. If you have two people who have the exact same probability of getting into a successful relationship from dating (because of interpersonal skills and whatever), but one of them is getting a 100 times more matches, it's pretty obvious which one is going to be more successful.
Getting matches is a necessary but not sufficient condition. Of course what this means is that if you're getting close to zero matches, you should just uninstall that garbage and try something different.
People really want to dance around how much looks truly matter in dating. That needs to stop. We need to get real