don't divorce your lesbian wife please r/AITA
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 ส.ค. 2024
- and don't be racist, DAVE.
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DON’T BE A 🍆, DAVE.
fkin dave.
That kind of conflict between coworkers can escalate so easily. I hope the OP can find a way to work with (or around) Dave.
@@BestFriendsWhoLiveTogether in before Dave starts coming in to tell you that it's actually an eggplant
@@asprinjuice8877 not in England
Dave and his dickery (dickitude?) can get in the sea.
Nobody is entitled to grandchildren.
One more time for the people in the back
However you may be entitled to compensation if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with mesothelioma
Even when the grandchildren are already born
@@nonexistingvoid absolutely important point!!
Listen fam, if y'all are not treating me / my kids decently, you're not gonna be in our lives, that's it!
It sounds like the potential grandparents are having some sort of end stages of life crisis where they're reflecting on their "legacy" .. zero percent OP's problem
I’m autistic, and none of the behaviours described in the second one are traits of autism. In fact it’s a super read flag if he uses that to explain his controlling behaviour. Abusers hide behind their disability all the time.
literally
Fellow autistic: Yeah, no, wtf. I mean, yeah, some of us get clingy, but you don't get to invade someone's privacy like that. I mean, it could be different if you have already established boundaries that, "Yeah, this thing that most would find weird is fine for me," but especially when there's a friend over, yeah, nooooo.
Or abusers make up disabilities in order to cover for their abuse 🙄
I hope that person ran far away...
Yep I had an ex who had a physically abus1ve dad who abandoned them and a pretty bad childhood in general. So I thought it was ok for him to psychologically abus3 me. Ridiculous I know 🙈 plus they always start with the small things that feel silly to push back on and gradually get worse from there. Best to get out as soon as your gut tells you something’s off. Also I just wanna say I’m really glad noticing red flags has become a widespread thing now. If I’d have known about stuff like gaslighting, distancing you from friends etc when I was 19 I’d have saved myself a lot of pain.
My partner is autistic and they are great! They can communicate perfectly with me, to some extend also because I know their mannerisms and know what they mean most of the time, and they never would do anything to control me! It's just an excuse, according to the ICD he wouldn't qualify as an autist from what context the story has provided, what he definitely would qualify for though is a MANIPULATIVE ASSHOLE! FUCK HIM! (Not literally please)
In the first case, I taught my husband to blame me if he can't say no to family. Now they all think I'm an asshole but he's not a doormat anymore. Sometimes you have to be the villian in order to be the hero.
Hubby and I do the same thing in any awkward situation we might be. Lol sometimes we even blame the kids if we feel it works better in that particular instance
I had to do that with my mum as a kid. "Sorry (classmate who abuses animals) mum says I can't go to your birthday party"
My mom had my sister do that when my sister felt bad calling off work to go on family vacation for a week (right after she and I had been gone for three weeks visiting our dad). She told my sister "If [my sister's boss] gets mad, just say your mom is making you go" which, to be fair, she was.
@@lapatti the dog, the chair, the weather, whatever works!
To be honest he may not appear to be a doormat anymore but he sure as hell sounds like a coward. What kind of man stands by and let's his wife take the blame just because he's too scared to stand up for himself? Coward/doormat... which is preferable? 🤔
I'm autistic myself: the "AITA for locking my boyfriend out of the bathroom?" one is exactly as you said: it doesn't matter if you are autistic, you still have to not be a 🍆. Now, many autistic people that I talk to (including myself) do have parents who let us get out of everything and justifies it with us being autistic: this isn't how autism works though.
Agreed. Autistic people understand clearly expressed rules. In fact, we love them. It's the unspoken rules that we struggle with.
Yeah, that just felt so iffy. Mental illness is a reason, not an excuse, but it also sounds like its the OP trying to justify the abuse rather than the boyfriend. All round not a good relationship
Exactly. I work with autistic kids and part of my job is to help them learn to work with and around their neurodivergence so they can be happy, independent, functioning members of society. That means that while they do need a bit of different, individualized attention, they do have some standards of behavior that they are held to as much as any neurotypical kid would be. Autistic kids are not stupid nor incapable of learning to follow expectations and treating them like they are does them a grave disservice later down the road. Unfortunately, there are a LOT of parents that don't set expectations at home, so when we get their kids in school and suddenly expect things of them they go into complete meltdown.
yeah im autistic too but that is weird unless there is something we are missing and we need more evidence and i do know some other autistic people that have strange insecurities
Exactly! I'm autistic too and it is never an excuse for crossing someone's boundaries!
yeah as an autistic person, autism is obviously not an excuse for any abusive behavior.
and autism doesnt make you that way. obviously it can make relationships really difficult in some ways but the boyfriend is also clearly just messed up, and that relationship definitely sounds abusive
i was thinking the same. i'm tired of people saying "autistic people don't understand social cues so they must not understand consent" like no honey he's just an asshole 😭
Absolutely agree.
Autism doesn't make you abusive, it just gets in the way when trying to communicate with neurotypical and other alistic people.
You can have different needs, different understandings, and different expectations, but that doesn't mean you become as controlling as that guy.
I really hope OP finds their way out quickly, because it sounds like he's preparing them for a lot more abuse.
agreed, I know she probably didn't mean anything by it, but I hated her phrasing and I hope she reads comments like this and realizes not to phrase it that way in the future. "if somebody's condition leads to them being abusive" is just a frustrating way to hear about autism. I already hear so much misinformation about my condition and that phrasing doesn't help.
@@fluffyphoenix8082 yeah i felt a little iffy about that too. i know it didnt come from a bad place but it could definitely at least have been worded better
yeah im autistic too but that is weird unless there is something we are missing and we need more evidence and i do know some other autistic people that have strange insecurities
If you think your coworker made a spelling mistake and decide to rub their nose in it and make racist assumptions instead of "calmly correcting" them, then you have waived your right to be mad when they make fun of you for being wrong
that reminds me when my mom(english is her second language) was rudely corrected by another coworker to say “may I”.
you’d think my mom said “can I”, right? but she actually said “might I”, which is correct. she asked me about it, and I told her she had been correct, but many native english speakers say “can I” anyways, so it would be rude of the coworker to correct her if she had said that regardless.
also my mom’s english is very good considering she works as a *translator*.
@@pheonixrises11 brilliant 😂
In the case of the second anecdote, I’m Team ‘Bathroom will be locked and bolted as and when required’.
Totally. I never really got the whole going to the toilet while your SO is un the shower/bath. Maybe that was just how I wax raised but no-one is the arsehole for wanting alone time in the bathroom.
@@lucyfur in my home of one bath with 4 people it was if one person needs the bathroom when another is showering, you knock, go in, and get out as fast you could.
I mean privacy yeah but a lot of accidents happen in the bathroom from slicing your jugular while shaving to slipping in the shower to your evil reflection in the bathroom mirror attempting to trap you in the mirror dimension and take your place
@@FrancisR420
Oh yeah, I'm sure most people's partners are trained paramedics so they can help with a sliced jugular /sar
Note: I'm playing into the joke above.
Dave is honestly super entatled. He is being super offended under minor things while expecting OP to be fine with his clear racism and bad behavior.
Yep, he's a hypocrite, sounds like he'd say or do anything to try one up the OP. But he can't because he's not as good at the job.
Yeah, that's what unchecked privilege does to people.
He’s clearly threatened by her because she’s obviously the more talented and valuable employee.
And doesn’t realize this is NOT the way to shine 😂
Poor 🍆 Dave … 😢
The husband can go to his sister's house to eat the casserole for the coming week.
In the first case, I think she's NTA but the way in which she talks about the relative getting food stamps is a bit snarky. If someone qualifies for foodstamps, they should obviously get them (and in my opinion they should be made available to more people and less stigmatized). It sounds like OP might want to look into qualifying for foodstamps considering they have more kids, though the boundary-violating with what was expected as a contribution isn't okay.
Yeah, I am confused by the food stamp snark. Either they don't qualify but are still having issues making ends meet (totally possible), or she (both of them?) have a weird chip on their shoulder about government assistance.
@@kiarimarie Receiving government assistance is not always stigmatized by the people you might expect. Sure, rich people talk about "lazy people sponging off of the state" but there are a lot of cultural/social forces that encourage people to struggle with poverty and see that struggle as morally superior from receiving assistance, or as they call it "a government handout". OP sounds like they shouldn't valorize poverty and missing meals and going without assistance for the sake of one's pride. If they don't qualify for food stamps, and think that their relative that does shouldn't, that might be another reason for the snark/bitterness. But it's definitely classism on the part of OP despite the fact that they are also struggling.
Agree with everything you said except idk. When you bring food you leave it, I would feel awkward as hell asking for it back, if wife wanted it she should've asked for it and not expected him to.
There are three other people in the house with jobs so her bills are greatly reduced and she gets food stamps . I think the point was that she has an easier time feeding her kid and asked for the food not because she needed it but because she was to lazy to cook the next day . If the husband is not involved in the family meal planing he should have deferred to his wifes decision.
@@free2trvl that's a cultural thing, but also the wife/OP set clear boundaries on what they could afford but husband violated them, so it's not totally out of line that she would expect the leftovers since she really didn't expect to spend that much but the husband did behind her back.
I will not be continuing my bloodline. I do not want to ever be pregnant. I told my boyfriend this and he immediately scheduled a vasectomy. We will adopt when we are both ready for children.
Good boyfriend!!!!! You have a good boyfriend.
Awwww this is so cute, not only your bf but your choice to adopt!
@@thewickeddevilofthewest
Love your pfp😍
We're in an awkward spot😅
Me and one of my partners would hypothetically devoid of any context want to carry a child but... both my partners and I are trans-fem so probably not going to happen unless I get a lot more free time, form a nesting group, and we get to adopt kids because I really want to adopt more than have kids the free way. Well, I mean in the nesting group obviously pretty much can't at this point.
as someone with autism, the shower story is definitely abuse. autism is never an excuse for any of that behaviour
I’m a Cisgay Man who does not want to continue a bloodline. Also, in the case I want a child, it’s either adoption or nothing.
I'm an aroace transman who also don't want to continue the bloodline. I do want to adopt, but the idea of pregnancy gives me too much disphoria and my bloodline it's not worth it.
I am a cupio ace who probably needs surgery on my endometrial lining. I have decided I would rather get better than eek out a few decades of suffering for a kid. If I want to take care of a tiny human. I will adopt.
I’m an ace woman who has very little intention on continuing the bloodline either. Frankly I feel like bloodline technicalities are bullshit and I’d much rather support someone who is already in this world by adopting or through foster care than bringing one into the world myself. I’ve got my precious little niece who I will gladly coddle and support any day of the week, and my parents can deal if she’s the only “bloodline” affiliated grandchild they get.
@@lemonace6695 i totally relate, not to being aroace or a dude, but I am nonbinary
i'm a bi(?) afab enby and yeah i'm not continuing this bloodline either. if I have kids it would have to be my partner being pregnant or adoption, and I'm only like 40%-ish sure I'll ever have/want kids. i don't want to be pregnant, partly bc I'm nonbinary and the idea feels kinda invalidating (tho that might be unreasonable) and partly bc I've always not wanted to go through that stuff. i don't think I have official gender dysphoria how many other do but still discomfort in my body sometimes.
Parents seem to forget that childbirth and Assisted Reproductive Techniques/Technologies are a very taxing and excruciating process for those who carry a baby. Genealogy through Biology is overrated.
It hasn't been taxing or excruciating for me and I bet it hasn't been so for many people or else the world wouldn't be overpopulated.
The thing is, no one has the right to decide if someone else should have a child and definitely not how!
@@lapatti They meant IVF etc.
Not "oopsie" babies.
Oopsie babies are why the world is overpopulated.
@@lapatti you're correct that no one has the right to decide if someone else should be pregnant or not, but many people do experience hard pregnancies, birth, and the fertility process as a whole is very taxing to many people. emotionally and physically, and often financially as well. people can get pregnant and have children regardless of how difficult the process is, especially if they have no control over whether or not they're pregnant (and many people do not have legal rights or access to abortion). i get what you were trying to say but it sounds like you're invalidating the experiences of many people who go through difficult fertility issues or pregnancies.
@@lapatti Overpopulation really isn’t a thing (it’s a lie to cover for the fact we have enough food to feed everyone on the planet but don’t want to allocate the funds to give it out). But regardless, absolutely do whatever feels comfortable for your own body.
then how do you confirm that your child will be similar (in my case i am autistic and i do not want any children that are not or autistic
i told my mom and my sister (who has a child) that i would feel selfish having a kid just to please me, that's one of the reasons I don't want to. i made it clear that's not what i think of them and that it's a personal choice. my sister got it, but my mom said i was the selfish one for not giving my hypothetical children the chance to exist(?) anyway, it was a crazy conversation
Yikes.
If you don't want kids they wouldn't be future kids because there's never gonna be any chance of having them in the first place.
It's like saying
"what about your future pet tiger? how can you be so selfish to not buy the house with the big backyard for your future tiger!!!!"
bruh there was never going to be a future tiger so it's not a 'future' or 'hypothetical' tiger it's a
"your crazy af imagination you need therapy, tiger"
the hypothetical kids a chance to exist : tell your mom , does she know how many eggs die , from when the baby is in the womb until you go to puberty ....... ? the number is in the millions . And from the halfs that live , how many just will go un used ?
5:55 - Yeah...insisting on being in the bathroom when someone is showering is NOT a typical autistic thing (if anything, it sounds like the opposite of what I'd expect), nor is this overall controlling behavior. Getting anxious if your own routine is disrupted - yes. Trying to build other people's schedules for them - no. So...NOT a relevant detail, and this relationship sounds super unhealthy!
I'm the last of my branch of the McPherson clan. When I was born, a birth announcement was published in a Scottish newspaper, and it mentioned how my late grandfather's wish for the bloodline to be continued had been fulfilled. 16 years later, I came out as gay! I feel a bit bad for my grandfather, but I know it's not my fault and no-one in my family has ever put pressure on me to have kids. I've decided that I don't want any anyway, so being straight wouldn't have made a difference.
Ok, the fourth anecdote is giving me racism and sexism two-for-one offer. Also, missed opportunity to say ‘Dodgy Dave’ (Context: It’s what an elder parliamentarian called David Cameron once in the House of Commons).
Was this before or after the pig thing?
I listened to the last story twice to verify because I also got sexist vibes, but I do not believe OP ever indicates their own gender.
expensive leftovers: No, SIL is the a-hole
boyfriend in the shower: No, and that sounds like a horrible situation, get out of there ASAP
DNA-obsessed parents: No, and being half-adopted myself, blood=family is a horrible concept.
Foreign colors: No, American-supremacy is the a-hole.
Question, how can one be half-adopted? Just curious.
@@flicnerdy4385
for clarification in this story, "dad" means "adoptive father"
My mom is my biological mother. And she left my biological father when I was an infant and basically cut all ties because he wasn't cut out to be a father let alone a functioning member of society...
We (my mom and I) had our first date with my dad when I was about 2 or 3 years old.
Eventually they married and had my sister (half-sister, technically speaking) a couple years later.
When I was in Kindergarten my dad officially adopted me and we changed my last name to match.
tl;dr
biological mom + no biological father + next level "step-dad" = half-adopted
SIL is, but ultimately the husband is more of one. He’s the one who wanted to make the dish, he’s the one who promised to bring home the leftovers, he’s the one who wouldn’t stand up to his sister, he’s the one choosing his sister’s family over his own.
SIL is NTA. I wouldn't believe the first op, even if her story didn't smell so fishy and steeped in bias and supremacy.
Those parents had 7 kids? Or was the other 5 including the gay brother? Either way, 6 or 7 kids, there is no reason for that to be specifically your responsibility. I mean, they could have called a family meeting and been like "Right, who's going to continue the bloodline?" Like seriously, why was that solely on you?
And even then, if none of them want to, their parents are allowed to be upset I guess, but certainly not to take it out on the kids/call them selfish. They're the ones wanting to impose an 18-year financial burden (not to mention risk of complications that come with pregnancy) on people who have clearly stated they don't want it... talk about selfish.
@@blaireshoe8738 I mean, if they want grandkids that bad they could always offer to raise them, but still it's not their choice to make at the end of the day. Even if they're upset with their children as a group, putting that on one of them specifically is illogical and incredibly unfair.
@@blaireshoe8738 This is coming from someone who wants grandchildren by the way, but loving and accepting my own children will always come first. I'd raise my grandchildren if their parents want me to, though.
@@conlon4332 No. Just no.
Don't ever think "I can raise them for you" can compensate for the fact that you want to force someone to carry an UNWANTED pregnancy to term, or to destroy their marriage, just so YOU can have your do-over baby.
Parents forcing this idea on their children don't deserve grandchildren, even when their children do end up having kids of their own.
If this is really about maintaining the bloodline, just give your babymaking cells up for adoption, so someone else can have a wanted child, and your DNA will be passed on.
But let's be honest: it's never truly about that.
It's as much about control as the anti-abortion laws in the US.
@@nonexistingvoid Woah woah woah woah woah! This is not what I was saying AT ALL! I would never want to force my children to do anything they didn't want to do! I was only saying I would be happy to help if they wanted me to. I'm not saying I won't encourage my children to have children of their own, but if they don't want to I WILL NOT hold it against them or try to force them.
i'm cis and bi, but i want to adopt anyway, for many reasons such as overpopulation, and i don't care whatsoever about bloodlines and bs like that
Sameeee. I don’t particularly want kids but if I found a partner who really wanted them and I felt comfortable raising kids with them, I’d consider it. If my partner was any gender I would go straight to adoption. The world has so many kids who need families and why would we waste time and money making our own when we could have one already here. As well, I’m not a big fan of being a mother to a baby so it’s honestly the most ideal situation to adopt a 5ish year old.
Overpopulation really isn’t a thing (it’s a lie to cover for the fact we have enough food to feed everyone on the planet but don’t want to allocate the funds to give it out). But regardless, absolutely adopt if you want to. There are so many kids (and teenagers!) in the system that would appreciate it
@@DogsandPennies You think twice as many humans as a little over a century ago isn't a problem?
Show me the science that says nearly 8 billion people is a healthy amount for the planet.
@@Nakia11798 show me the science that says it's bad for the planet. The only issue is the way we consume/create energy (eg eating cows and burning plastic). Once we solve that we won't be having any negative effects on the planet. The amount of us isn't a problem. Just the general way we interact with the earth.
@@DogsandPennies Actually that is massive wrong scientifically. If we did not invent artificial nitrogen infused fertilizer & industrial farming to exploit it. Which is not sustainable and imbalancing the environment with run off water. Most people would not exist or starving with other methods of finding fertilizer alternatives.
the type of people like dave usually forget that when someone's first language isn't english but they can speak fluently, we're usually quite good at grammar cause that's what we've been taught the most.
you really shouldn't mess around with a bilingual on grammar
So true!
The husband in the first anecdote was painfully naïve.
“Dave’s being a bit of a racist, Margot!”
Cracked me up, and the “Dave - Dave😡”
But yeah, when I worked phones for the DVLA I spoke to a LOT of people, and so many people whose first language was something other than English would apologise for not speaking it perfectly. And some of them would barely have an accent, they’d be perfectly conversational, and then they’d just forget a word or use the wrong phrase and right away be like “I’m so sorry for my English, I’m still learning.”
I always made sure to assure them I understood them fine, or say something like “trust me, your English is far better than my Polish (or whatever)”, because who has the energy to be that big a dick all the time?
The only occasions where I’d get annoyed at people (and this only happened a handful of times on literally tens of thousands of calls) was when someone would call who clearly couldn’t speak more than a few words of English, but who’d then refuse to let me call the interpreter line. Screaming at me because I didn’t understand them, when that wouldn’t be an issue if I could just call in the fucking interpreter.
Dave is the asshole! The parents who asked their daughter to divorce their wife is insanity especially if they are supportive all of their lqbtq+ kids. Insane. I love these videos. More please!!!! BTW that faded peach color you have is super cute! Love you lady! You always make me laugh.
What has autism got to do with the showering one? Autism does not make you abusive. There was no need to include that.
I always thought I liked the idea of adoption and/or fostering better. And now my partner and I both have genetic conditions that we'd rather not consciously risk passing on and love the idea of giving lgbt+ kids the loving family/support system they deserve. 'Bloodline' concerns are archaic bullshit imo
Yeah, I agree. I remember my mom wanted me to "pass on the family name." "I did, I adopted." "Oh, but I mean blood!" "My sister had kids, and they had kids." "But not the name!" What's so magical about passing on a name and genes together? It's all silly.
I have autism but that doesn’t make me abusive, so it does not excuse that kind of behaviour at all
"Dave here's being a bit of a racist" iconic
The "AITA for locking my boyfriend out of the bathroom?", your comments about the abusive relationship are incredibly (correct and) validating for me as an current victim of child abuse. I wish more people understood this and were as adamant about the behaviour being abusive
I am BAFFLED by the concept of a SIXTY DOLLAR casserole. The whole point of casseroles is that they’re cheap and filling and easy-you basically dump a bunch of things together into a meal. What is IN this casserole?? Has casserole been gentrified?
The only way I could imagine spending that much on a casserole is if the total includes the cost of a slow cooker or crock pot that it was cooked in!
I'm also very dubious about the $1000 a month in food stamps thing... unless the sister is committing benefit fraud
I have a feeling the husband feels insecure about not having as much money as his sister and is compensating, or trying to. The dish he prepared is pretty damn ostentatious. I can sympathize, at least a little, but he needs to learn to face reality.
Definitely, my "recipe" for casseroles in my slow cooker are; what ever meat is on offer at the shop, whatever veg is in season therefore cheap, a tin of tomatoes, onion and garlic, a stock cube, and some herbs and spices from the cupboard. Usually comes out at less than £5 for the whole lot and my slow cooker does enough for 6 big portions.
@@barrylangille3523 You think he's insecure over his sister because she's on food stamps and he's not?
Like there's definitely a lot of insecurity in that story but not from the husband
"Free food that she gets from foodstamps." That complicates the situation, because food stamps don't get you very much, and you have to be pretty impoverished to qualify for that, so she might be being unreasonably harsh toward the sister. My sister received foodstamps briefly, in the amount of $16 per month. It's really ridiculous. Letter writer still has every right to be angry at her husband, though.
Yeah, when I am in between jobs I get a little over 500 a month for my kid and I and that changed around a year ago. It was around 400 from the time my kid was born until then. Food stamps is definitely a joke because it takes away so much from the people who are working. I know too many single dad's that make enough to pay full price on bills with very little left for food, gas, etc. And they don't qualify for food stamps.
As an autistic person, all I have to say to that second story is RUN!!!
#1 story: NTA but A) a $60 casserole seems a bit much, B) it's customary to leave the dish if you bring it, and C) it seems like the husband isn't very good at setting boundaries or saying no to his family (something I sadly relate to a lot) I think they should have gone at the whole situation differently from the beginning.
#2 story: that dynamic sounds like a kinky/sub-dom relationship, which is totally ok if it is explicitly agreed upon by all involved, but this doesn't seem like the case from the way OP explained it
#3 story: WTAF!!!
#4 story: Dave is definitely the racist A-hole.
For the second story, that's not even acceptable within most BDSM relationships. For anything approaching that kind of dynamic you would need an actual contract with lots of opportunities to revoke consent. This situation doesn't seem to have any allowances for that...
the second story is definitely not kink or BDSM. there's a power dynamic at play, but not a consensual one. the story OP gave was definitely abuse and after checking out OP's account and other posts on reddit (spoiler: almost all are about problems in that relationship), it's definitely *not* a consensual relationship. even if it started out that way, it crossed the line into abuse a long time ago.
@@natashalawely2900 "there's a power dynamic at play, but not a consensual one." yeah that's what I said. I was just pointing out that the dynamic *per se* is not weird, but there needs to be informed consent for it to be ok .
That's funny, in my country it's customary to divide the leftovers and give it to all the guests when they leave. I have a ridiculous amount of tupper from my friends and they have a bunch of mine because even when you cook as a host, you still give the leftovers to your guests. Or divide equally between all guests and the host.
@@marlyd In my experience with parties where everyone brings a dish it's usually up to the person who brought it what happens to it. During the meal it belongs to everyone eating but after it reverts ownership to whomever brought it. Often the smaller families send some of their food home with people who have larger families.
„Dave👹“ that took me out! 😂
60$ for a casserole is insane! someone can obviously not cook on a budget
While OP in #1 isn't *the* asshole for having a strict food budget and setting a boundary around simply not being able to afford to share, their snarky tone and some of the comments they make, especially in regard to the SIL being on food stamps has me suspecting they may still be an asshole, just generally speaking. Still, the husband shouldn't have left her with the entire casserole. If his sister really did need help (and I confess I'm a bit skeptical of OP's claim that she was "simply lazy"), then he should have cut off a portion -- maybe ~1/4 -- of the casserole off for her to keep and taken the rest home.
Also the option that if they made such a giant casserole, he'd only have needed to take enough to feed the people there.
It was, according to the mum, enough for a family of five for 2 days, plus at least 3 adults at that party... so at least a 23 servings casserole.
How tf did he even transport that?
That'd be a reseraunt bain marie dish size, or multiple casserole dishes.
He could've just bought one ceramic dish worth (like 5 servings).
Letting him leave with that much for a few adults almost looks like she set him up to fail because there's no way he could transport that much back drunk even if he wanted to.
Unless.. the mum lied about how much food and how much it cost and she's exaggerating.
But also he's a adult, if this is real, how could he not know that was far too much unless he never ever cooks for the family?
how could he spend that much unless he never takes part in the budgeting?
Idk I feel like there's secretly AH behavior on both sides happening here but we're only getting the scrubbed squeaky clean mum's side because without assuming there's some lying or hiding of facts happening here, the story makes zero sense.
(6:04) Thank you so much for saying this! As someone with a physically abusive autistic brother I have always found people using it an excuse even though he does have control over his behavior. No condition is is an excuse to be abusive emotionally or physically.
Regarding the boyfriend and the shower situation - the fact that boyfriend has autism is something he is using as a shield against his abusive behaviour. Being autistic does not make you an abuser, being an abuser does. This is further born out by the "promise not to leave him again". Shaaba is sooooo right, this is absolutely an abusive relationship and OP needs to get free urgently. And "boyfriend" needs to stop using autism as a shield, the b@stard.
Moral of the Story: The OPs are not a**holes if they post the weirdest anecdotes.
(1st one)Couldn't the husband just go to his sister's house and have the casserol with her or make his own food? OP asked him to bring the casserol home and he didn't even try to explain it to his sister "I felt like I couldn't say no". Dude your wife and children need to eat. I get the sister probably doesn't want to cook after that but couldn't she use the vouchers to get something so she doesn't have to cook? 🙃 Both the sister and the husband basically ignored OP's situation and went behind their back
(2nd one) Boundries!!! OP set boundries that are being ignored + all the other red flags 😟 OP needs to run
(3rd one) There are other ways to have children. Maybe one of OP's siblings will have children? Just because OP isn't doesn't mean the bloodline will end
(4th) Also Dave's a hypocrite. So it's ok for him to go to OP's boss and say those things but it isn't ok for OP to embarass him? What Dave did is far worse than "Dave doesn't know british people spell colour with a u" (not exactly what OP said but you get the point)
Idk if any of this makes sense or if it's in the right order (pretty sure it is though)
Honestly, the one about the lesbian couple is EXACTLY what my parents would do that's why I plan to deep out after I finish my education
I wouldn't say autism leads someone to be abusive. I really dislike that phrasing, I'm sorry. I'm autistic myself and the boyfriend is being UNACCEPTABLE and I can recognize that. Autism doesn't automatically make someone bad or abusive.
I am literally married and if my husband tried to make me promise to never leave him, I'd file for fucking divorce.
the one with the family who tried to force their daughter to "continue the bloodline" is literally something I've read in Harry Potter fanfiction, with all their crappy pureblood ideologie. this is insane
Was the $60 casserole made of caviar? I think the husband was the AH in that post.
The bathroom thing sounds all kinds of weird, unless of course they are in somekind of S&M relationship and both enjoy the strange dynamic. Autism (I'm autistic myself) is no excuse to cross boundaries, especially when you're an adult.
I'm just really grateful for having parents who've never pushed me to have kids. I've made it clear from a little girl that as far as I'm concerned, our bloodline ends with me (literally, I played orphanage with my dolls, because I really wasn't maternal.) My siblings have no kids either, and I don't think my parents feel that ad about having their senior years for themselves. The parents had no business, even as a joke, to suggest that to their daughter.
I'm not a native English speaker, but I usually try to use the British way of spelling things - but I'm sure I mix both ways the whole time. I like my words long and complicated, so if there's a chance to add a letter or two, I do it. Colour looks way nicer than color, and rolls off the tongue more smoothly. Not that I support respondkng to an insult with an insult, but I feel the last poster was not an AH, but his co-worker was.
even in a BDSM relationship, consent is ongoing and can be revoked at any time. Even if it was a BDSM relationship (which it wasn't; I looked through OP's reddit and the bf is just a major AH and abusive), OP very clearly revoked consent and drew a hard limit in unlocking the bathroom door when other people are there. When the bf decided to try and do something to OP non-consensually, it crossed the line into abuse.
The parents in the bloodline story hurt, I was adopted so that stung too much.
asd is no excuse for abuse or toxicity, a good relationship always involves communication, compromise, and boundaries, even when neurodivergence is involved!
me and my siblings (all fem) are all ace and don't want children and we are all mostly into girls, meanwhile our parents are telling my oldest sister to find a husband and have kids. We all told our parents "don't expect the family bloodline to continue" and they thought we were joking.
so that's fun
It’s not mean for someone to not care if someone has autism. (From this point on Ill use identity first language to refer to myself but I used person first for the partner because that’s what the post says so I assume the partner agrees). Being autistic doesn’t mean you get to use it as an excuse. You shouldn’t pity autistic people or treat us differently. We’re people, just like neurotypicals. Being autistic doesn’t give you and excuse to be an asshole and treating us differently because we’re autistic is mean itself. So absolutely not mean to say you don’t care if someone’s autistic! Perfect! That’s the best thing to do :)
In the first one - It's assumed you're taking your food back unless you don't want it, in that case, you pawn it off to anyone who'll take it home. (at least in my experience of having tons of potlucks and stuff .. I"m from the midwest in USA).
In Germany it it mostly the same. Host is concerned in giving away food at the end of a party. Rarely they keep it only exceptions mostly if it was their own, if you insist thatthey keep it or if the.quantity is so small that it can t be shared any Further.
In NZ it's the opposite and you're usually assumed to leave any leftovers with the host as thanks for hosting.
And then if there's too much to fit in their fridge you get to split the leftover leftovers between everyone to bring back lol
(btw you do get your dish back, they just transfer leftovers to tupperware)
That might be a bit different around the country but that's how my family and friends have always done it. It feels rude to potentially make a mess, fill their recycling bin with cans/glass, and add the stress of hosting, without leaving anything nice they can enjoy.
Same way we always bring a bag of chips / bottle of wine / pack of cookies / fruit off your tree etc when you visit.
I find it quite interesting, I guess it depends on where your from but also on the people you know I guess. I understand that to show that you are thankfull. But round here it is Kind of normal that the left overs are too much for the host. And so people take it back so the host does not need to throw it away. Whereas an ubopened bottle/ chocolate/... would be left with the host if he/she wishes. I am curious if this is influenced by culture ?
Because of my auditory processing issues (adhd and potentially autism) I do have a hard time understanding accents, but that is in NO way that person’s fault. It is ridiculously impressive that some people can speak more than one language, and I’d never use my issues with understanding accents as an excuse to be rude.
For the women asked to divorced her wife!
Tell the parents they can pay for IVF or Rivf if bloodline from her in particular is needed (only if they want or are willing to have a child) I mean they brought up adoption.
"You clearly aren't good at English, lol developing country" he says in front of everyone
Also him: "Why'd she tell me that I was wrong in front of everyone? :("
6:30 my friend has a friend who is very abusive (physically abused her to the point she still has scars, threatened to skin and gut her cat, says many slurs that are extremely offensive to many minorities, and even more). She only held onto her for so long because she used her autism as an excuse (note: me, my friend, and almost everyone who knows, are also neurodivergent).
We have a discord server that we’re are planning to report to the police once we have enough evidence. This is certainly a situation where having autism doesn’t matter- threats of animal abuse, slurs, and hate crimes are still offences. Same with what’s happening to op.
The thing with the autism one is even people with autism understand boundaries most of the time and I understand in some cases being alone can be scary. But saying that autistic people adapt to just because it is more difficult for us doesn't mean we don't. The bf needs to grow up
with the last one, OP probably knows more than just two languages, considering the whole Paris thing... and yet Dave still has the cheek to incorrectly correct (???) OP on their spelling.
It’s such fun to be back for another video! #DivingIntoAssholes
I’m blown away that Dave didn’t know that the “ou” is used in the UK! I’m American and we are definitely taught in school that things we spell without the u (color, etc), ARE spelled with the “ou” in other English-speaking countries, so we should recognize it and understand it (seeing “colour” in a book written by a British author, for example), but that it is not how we spell it in the states. How did Dave get a job in another country?!? 🤯
The "continue the bloodline" one... ugh. My bloodline and family name dies with me -- pregnancy and childbirth make me extremely dysphoric, not to mention I'm acespec and mspec, so I could potentially not even marry someone who is able to give me children. My uncle on my dad's side has no kids, but has had plenty of time to bring some cousins of mine into the world, so it's likely that he never will. My uncle on my mom's side married my aunt after she had her hysterectomy, so they were unable to have kids. My sister has pcos and is likely infertile. I am the last person on both sides of my bloodline who is able to have children, and I intend to never have to put myself through 9 months of intense dysphoria and misgendering just to "continue the bloodline." I'll adopt, thanks.
I know *all* of these are only presenting one side of the story, but the first one raised some red flags for me. It seems like OP seems to be using food stamps as a moral judgment of the sister and yet she's convinced the sister is better off financially. Still probably NTA in that specific situation, but It smells to me like there's still something else going on in that family that OP isn't addressing. She said the sister has "only one kid" AND "3 working adults." Do any of those adults have special needs? Do the other adults have children as well? Who are the other adults? Are they older? Are they physically or mentally challenged? Are they family? There are so many questions, but the OP chooses to identify them as "3 working adults."
Really does seem like there's more to it not being said...
Yep, just checked the OP's thread. OP conveniently did not mention that one of the "working adults" is another 18-yo child going to school and also working part-time. There's way more going on and OP sounds judgemental as hell in some of the responses.
@@kamillagunzinger4162 damn called it
thank you for the diligent reporting
8:48 I find it interesting that they are asking their daughter for continuing the "bloodline". Are they a matriarchal society? I thought it was usually the sons that carry the "family name" and therefore the "bloodline"
Blood of the womb = bloodline to them maybe? idk their logic makes no sense to me lol, although if the OP of that one kept her last name in marriage, her child might also keep the "family name". Maybe her gay/bi siblings all took different names when married, and that's why OP is the only one getting called selfish, lol
they probably did not use that word exactly I'd bet, but still wanted biological grand kids.
Don't want kids, never really wanted kids, and the only hesitation I had was when I was younger and thought that since my ancestors did so much and fought so hard to continue my bloodline, ending it on a whim felt a little selfish. We survived 800 years of war, leading revolutions and fighting for the right to exist on our ancestral land. I didn't know if I wanted to toss out their efforts, but, of course, I realized how dumb that was. I'm never having kids, and don't even bear the family name, so I'll let my cousins handle that lol.
On the first one, why does the sister-in-law get that monthly stipend? It may be due to the excessive ableism my parents have helped foster in my extended family, as well as how invisible disabilities are often portrayed by others as "laziness." I apologize if I missed the explanation of why the SIL gets that much in food stamps with only one kid, while this person gets so much less.
I only get food stamps, though not nearly that much, as a supplement to my under-the-poverty-line disability check. I'm in the US, but I hear it's not better in the UK.
It really switches around who the asshole is in the situation, though.
the $60 casserole set off big fish story alarms in my head along with other parts of the story and I'm just going to guess based on nothing she said that she is the asshole.
"Surviving off the garden" is something I've heard from one too many narcissists.
Apparently I haven't watched since you dyed you're hair??? It looks incredible!!!!!
Besides the blatant racism, I just can't understand that there is more than one way do spell something in different places. Americans seem to think everything revolves around their point of view. I as an American do not support this awful person and others like him. Also where ever I live I don't see this in my day to day life so idk where these people crawl out of their hole from.
Every time you put on a voice to call out Dave I chuckled. There was a student in my grade 10 social studies class named Dave who was SO full of himself. He was the good looking athlete with nothing between the ears type and he would refer to himself very enthusiastically as (gruff, husky, loud voice) DAAAAAAVE!
#3 Wowza. That just makes no sense to me. Like I can get having a deep desire for your genetics to pass on, but (a) actually acting on that and especially (b) in that manner is absolutely bonkers. Like, for one thing, don't pressure your kids to be parents, full stop, even though the deep desire for your genetics to continue/to have the experience of being a grandparent is an understandably big deal to you. For another thing, if there are all of these other siblings, and at least one is bi, I'm sure we are missing much more context but why are the parents picking on their married (presumably monogamous? not sure that matters in this case though) lesbian adult child? Why that one specifically? Why would they need to divorce? Several of my closest friends who are parents are people who could not get pregnant with their spouse/life partner, so they had sperm donors or surrogates.
This is not a very common set of circumstances, but a pretty cool way things went about: In one of those cases, two of my friends (married to each other) who both have uteri wanted to each be pregnant. So they had a mutual friend of ours who wanted to pass on his genetics but didn't want to be a father be the sperm donor for both of their kids, so their kiddos are generically half siblings as well as legally and in all other ways full siblings. Plus, because it was a friend and desired by all parties, the sperm donor and his wife and other partner (all of whom *love* kids - his wife is literally a teacher - but very much don't want their own) are definitely part of the kids' lives despite living several states away. AND both the friends who was a sperm donor and his wife's parents have come to realise that they will never be grandparents in the typical way, so both of those sets of parents have essentially *adopted these kids as their own grandkids*. So these amazing kiddos have essentially four sets of grandparents. I realise that is a very lucky set of circumstances, but essentially everybody wins, even though some bloodlines technically don't continue!
A different example, my parents both have three siblings, but I only have one cousin on my mum's side and three on my dad's. Mum's eldest sister hasn't had a relationship since the 80s, younger sister and her husband just didn't want kids, youngest sister married a sleezebag who ran off when my cousin was less than six months old. My dad's two older sisters are both lesbians who didn't have kids, his brother had three kids. I have a half brother (mum's kid from her first marriage) and that's it. My brother is in his mid thirties, not sure if he and his long term partner are going to have kids, or for that matter if they are going to get married. I'm in my late twenties, I have always wanted kids but with the world how it is, where my life is at, my chronic pain disability, how I like to live my life, and my anchor partner currently not thinking he is likely to want kids, it's very much not a thing I am deciding any time soon. And my parents are super chill about it. I have never once heard either of them so much as hint at pushing either me or my brother to reproduce or even be parents in any ways, even though I know they would both love to be grandparents (and would be really good ones). But literally my mum (who lives with my partner and me) has proclaimed that if my two cats are the closest thing to grandkids she ever gets, she's happy with that. And this is the woman who pushed hard to give me her last name instead of my dad's in order to continue the name to the next generation (before my cousin's last name was legally changed to his mum's maiden name). I'm sure that it would mean the world to her to have grandkids, and for my dad as well, but they aren't pushing their private hopes on me or my brother and aren't making expectations of us.
All this to say: Be like my parents. Don't be assholes. Enjoy the lives that are here now.
I'm American. We don't claim Dave.
About the 2nd post. I'm autistic myself, autism isn'tan excuse to disrespect another person's boundarie, and what they described is an abuse. I see a lot of peoplein relationship with autistics, especially with autistic men (because they are socialised different, them autistic women and afab people, who often stay undiagnosed for a long time) describing their abusive relationship, and saying "but they're autistic". I myself have an autistic abusive father. Various personality disorders like BPD or NPD are often results of being an autistic person in neurotypical society, and if left untreated can lead to being abusive, but it's not on the partner to forgive the abuse, and walk on eggshells around that person, it's the autistic person responsibility to go to therapy, and learn how to cope properly. Autism is and should never be an excuse for abuse. We are still responsible for our actions, we can still make decisions. We have a lot of needs that are unmet by other people, that we need you to understand, but controlling someone is not one of them, and as much as I'm advocating for rights for autistic people, to make other people listen to us, to improve our health care and living situation, I will advocate as strongly to not excuse abusive behaviours with autism. We are people, autism doesn't make us abusive. We need to be seen as equal people from every side to resolve that problem. Treat us like people.
(don't tell me I'm high functioning, maybe he's low functioning. Functioning labels are inaccurate and harmful and you know nothing about my functioning)
...Man I'm worried about that shower kid. The red flags are many.
For the second story I thought that maybe this wasn't a well communicated consensual power dynamic until you read that last part. Yeah, it's just abuse at this point. Break up, run, and block sweetheart. You can do so much better.
Loving these AITA reaction videos! And loving the hair, Shaaba... giving off Mauritian Mermaid Morality vibes. I am addicted to AITA posts and these videos make me feel like I'm enjoying it with a bestie as you also give bestie vibes 💜🦄
THAT'S what the hair was reminding me of, thank you!! I couldn't put my finger on it, but you're right, 100% mermaid vibes, it's great!
She should tell the mom she and her gay brother have agreed to have children together. Problemsolved.
4:00 One thing that could be happening here that wasn't mentioned is that the two men could be involved in a Dom/sub power dynamic relationship. In this case, it is being taken too far, but some of the things listed are common in D/s relationships. Being given a list of tasks (especially when they're self care related) is *very* common, as is rules around having locked doors
I'm autistic, autistic people don't get a pass to be controlling and we do know right from wrong. Also I know that was the language used in the post, but autistic people generally prefer 'autistic person' and not 'person with/who has autism' for a number of reasons
My cat Dave *surprised Pikachu face*
Poor Dave Cat. Cuddles and nose boops from me.
Never understood parents getting in a panic about their offspring not getting their own offsprings.... I've neber wanted kids and never have I been pushed in this matter from my family. I was told by others that I would change my mind and long for the steps of small feet in the house when I got older. But here I am, 40 years old, and I still don't have a longing for crotchgoblins.
Was just listening to rslash do r/aita lmao
Arse Lash
Yeah, being Autistic definitely isn’t an excuse for abusive behaviour-and trying to claim that it is is pretty ableist IMNVHO.
With the autism one. That actually comes down to the people who raised him. So many people who raise autistic (white boys in particular) kids who got diagnosed early tend to use their autism as an excuse to allow the kid to get away with so much shit and it often leads to these people entering adulthood and society with no knowledge of boundaries or abuse. Most of the blame there for sure goes to the parents in that situation, however in no way is it acceptable. Autism is never an excuse to be an asshole - an autistic person.
Oh my god, so much unpack here! I will come back and comment again later. Thank you Shaaba, great video! No OPs were AHs~
@Essiggurke "Let's not be naive"?? Of course people on the internet can lie!!
Very rude comment and not the spirit of this community. Why do you assume the food didn't cost that much? Ingredients add up fast, esp if it was something "fancy" that he wanted to make!
The "bloodline" one, wow. I had a pretty intrusive mom, but WOW!
When families struggle financially, quite often it is the mother who goes without. Ensuring children and husband are fed before themself.
The bloodline one gives me the ick. I'm sort of in the same situation lgbtq wise but we have a happy ending. My sister is lesbian and married with 2 stepkids, i'm straight, aromantic and asexual and never having kids. After my sisters last awful relationship and me with no ambition of having kids my mam admitted to me she had accepted a long time ago she wasn't going to have a grandchild (sounds awful with having 2 step-grandkids but she kinda wanted one of us to have one). Come xmas last year we found out my sister was pregnant. My sister and her wife tried different sperm doners and a turkey baster with no luck, until her wifes gay cousin said he would help out as he wanted to continue HIS bloodline and they accepted. My SIL couldnt have more kids as her last one nearly killed her so my sister stepped up hence the cousins suggestion.
“Dave is a bit of a racist, mArGo!” This had me crying laughing omg
Shaaba this is one of my favorite of your series. More and more often please! Maybe daily? 🙂
You discuss the issues with objectivity, honesty, and a great deal of humor. A perfect recipe 💕
I LOVE your hair colour. OK, settling down to listen.
In my family when we have an event where everyone is bringing a dish everyone takes theirs home after. Unless you offer it to the host.
I wonder if the sister from the first story was trying to make her brother feel better about his dish that no one touched by saying she wanted the leftovers?
You have the right to privacy in the bathroom. You should never have to explain why you locked the door.
The bloodline one got me confused as I always understood, at least in a patriarchal society, that the bloodline goes through the male. This was made clear to me when my Dad was discussing my nephew being the last of our branch of the family, as if my niece or I had kids they would be of the father's family (plus my Dad wrote me off as ever getting married anyway, cheers Dad way to boost your daughter's self-esteem)
That first one was just..run. And what kind of parents think asking their kid to divorce their spouse is OK? That's like begging for your kids to go no-contact.
My mom stopped asking for grand kids when i came out as trans, and when she got to babysit a child frequently. Get your own babysitting kids rather than make your kids have kids :)
The parents who demand their gay daughter should divorce her partner, should lose contact from all her kids until they apologize and be better parents.
Second one...that went from red flag to a huge red flashing light! BF is abusive.
He "lets" her shower alone sometimes.... run.
What the heck of those parents asking for the divorce and demanding grandkids. Cut off ties to the parents.